#and the last time this happened he had covid and almost died. well.

[sage-nebula]

Good news: I'm almost fully over my covid I think

Bad news: Pretty sure my dad has covid now and there's a high probability he'll die from it

#wooooo 2024!!! /s #he's all the way in Florida so there is fuck all i can do abt it #but when you call at 6pm and he yells bc he thinks you called at 5am #and then informs you he thought it was 5am bc he's been laid up in bed for a whole day bc of illness #and the last time this happened he had covid and almost died. well.

[swearyshera]

So we are at the end of the road on something that has always been about the journey, not the destination.  I’ve taken my time to gather some thoughts.  This blog has meant a lot to many people, not the least of which is me.  I’ve had a hard time these last few years – I think it’s been hard times for everyone, in one way or another.  Personally, I seem to remember discovering this blog not too long before I had a breakdown and handled it very poorly, making bad decisions that cost me a lot of friends, or at least people whom I thought were my friends up until a breaking point.  (Your blog was unrelated to this).  When I came out of hospitalization I had a few things to rely upon – a video therapy group was one, certain family members and, well, as silly as it sounds, hitting up tumblr for my daily dose of Sweary She-Ra to make me laugh. And then in mid-January, 2023, one of the people who was closest to me in my entire life died suddenly of technically unknown cause but considering his health issues, probably a heart-issue. It was sudden and devastating.  We shared She-Ra and the Princesses of Power together because he was kind of curious about it and I was a nostalgia-fan of the ‘80s series.  We both became massive fans of Entrapta.  In fact, my nephew / best friend got me into the fandom in the first place because he had a silly idea for a fanfic about Entrapta wrecking havoc in the Fright Zone just post first-season and had little confidence in his fanfic writing, but decided to pass along said idea to me, an inveterate fic-writer for many fandoms.  I was put through the wringer this year – it’s the first time I’ve been in partial charge of a memorial service.  I am feeling better now than I did at the beginning of this year because I’ve found the strength to keep doing things that he and I liked to do together and time helps.  And again, in all of this, I had a silly little comic where a sparkly purple princess calls people “twattingler,” others make liberal use of the word that originally meant Fornication Under Consent of the King, one character swears all the time but apologizes for it, one character is contractually obligated to use Ned Flanders style cursing and there’s a fourth wall breaker and an incompetent boss with indecipherable accent and Marxist unicorns and all the rest.  No matter what was happening with my emotions I could just… take a little break and look at the funny fancomic.  Sweary She-Ra for me has been like a warm mug of tea on a cold day or a bowl of baked macaroni and cheese with a butter-cracker crust made out of the old 1960-70 something Betty Crocker cookbook.  It’s been Internet comfort food that has been sorely needed at times.  So thank you.  I just want to thank you for this funny little fan project.  I don’t think you have any idea how much it has meant to your audience.  @freedfromthegalactichivemind

And I don't know if the audience has any idea how much it has meant to me!

When I started this, things were pretty shit, weren't they? Here in the UK we'd just come out of the second Covid Lockdown, with the third expected to happen imminently; the weather was miserable, we'd barely seen our friends in months, the world in general just sucked. And I'd love to say that I felt a calling to break through that with some humour, but no... it was nothing like that. This is what happened...

And so it all went from there.

I almost just went for random scenes as I thought of them, rather than starting from the beginning. But I thought "Eh, fuck it, let's see how far I get", and the rest is history.

Even as the storylines got more complex (bear in mind, I started purely with the intention to do the original script with a few swear words peppered in), I always wanted to keep things upbeat. The painful moments are those 'this is the good stuff, hurt me more' moments rather than actually horrifying things - I know there's been a couple of exceptions, but in general it's held true.

But I've always been driven by one thing - the world isn't very funny right now; it's stressful, sometimes downright terrifying. And if I can alleviate that for ten, twenty seconds per day and make that tiny bit of difference to someone, then I consider that a job done. I'm not out here claiming to have the cure for depression, or some kind of plan to save the world, but I (hopefully) can make a few people smile in the midst of all the shit that's happening, even if it's just for a moment.

So much has changed in the last three years, but this blog has been such a central part of my world, it'll be weird when it's over (maybe that's why I don't want to stop there!). But if this coming Friday really is the last chapter in this part of my life, I'll still be happy that it happened. And if you've ever smiled or laughed at the blog, I'm happy that happened as well.

#sweary she-ra origin story

[world-of-wales]

Is India really going to be renamed as 'Bharat'?

Aah you are gonna get me banned from here and red listed by the Indian govt 😭😭😭 buckle up, this will be a long one

So, bharat is already a name for the country. It's the Indian hindi name. So the constitutions Article 1 says 'India that is Bharat shall be a union of states.....' so it's already a name.

Now the government seemingly had no problems with the name ' India' before this month really. Infact in 2016 some conservative nationalist had gone to the Supreme Court petioning that we need to change the name since 'India's a foreign name, colonial etc etc' and back then, the same government had said no need to change it, it's the choice of the people. You wanna call it India you can, or if you wanna call it Bharat you can.

Now it's just rumors at this point but the people have been saying pretty much that the government is going to change the name. Media houses have hyped the rumor up. Celebrities have jumped in etc. Full on political storm at this point.

So the issue comes from the fact that the opposition basically all the opposition parties came together and formed an Alliance for the next elections happening in 2024 and they named themselves I.N.D.I.A. And since the day they formally decided to come together, it's only been political drama. Now you can easily guess where this thing about changing the name has come from. It's nothing but blatant insecurity.

The ruling party is not doing well there's been a lot of issues of their own doing. They're losing state elections. They've lost a lot of momentum due to their mishandling of a lot of things especially the Civil War situation in the state of Manipur, the way they have used religion as a way to divide people all across the country, the very high inflation, the basically non response to the environmental crisis - sinking of Joshimath, flash floods all across the country this monsoon, the washing away of roads, buildings collapsing like a house of playcards basically in the state of himachal. The government's Covid response? Disgusting.

Then there's a lot of other problems like for example the Indian wrestlers were protesting against the chairman of their federation. He's a bjp mp and the atheletes were accusing him of sexual harassment and the government didn't respond for a long time. He resigned but he still an MP in Parliament by the way.

Then the controller and auditor general (CAG) the one who actually audits the govt accounts, all the expenditure on the Indian treasury etc. They've actually released reports saying that a lot of the developmental projects have used excess money than what they were supposed to have used as per the initial estimates so that's another thing. Also there's very little press freedom, almost non exisitent freedom for activists. There's very little transparency especially when it comes to things established by this government.

They also tend to also put the laws in the constitution on the back burner and do their own thing as per their own whims. Don't even get me started on the kind of expenditure they are doing for the G20 summit happening right now. And the other things surrounding it in terms of organization etc, just search about what they've done to the low income areas of Delhi during this time on the internet and you'll find out

These are just a few issues, there's a lot more and I'm not putting them here since it's already turned into an essay. But safe to say that M*di and his govt would have had very stiff competition in the elections next year because a large population of the people are just not interested in their whataboutry now and want the real tangible things to be done on ground in terms of Healthcare, planning, education etc.

And if they actually do it, change the name I mean then it is basically a last ditch by the government to get their ardent supporters back on their side, give them a shot of nationalism and make sure they vote for them next year.

Legally speaking article 1, which I mentioned above it can be amended but till what level can you amend it? That's what I'm unsure about and I have been researching for the past few days, so still in the process of it. Because the thing is that the Indian constitution is both rigid as well as flexible. Basically means that, you can amend the constitution but you can't encroach upon or you can't change its basic structure like the main tenants which make it the document that it is. So I'm not particularly sure over how much the first article be amended to facilitate this name change. It's not even a name change really it's the deletion of one of the names.

The name which is basically what everybody knows the country as. If they do change it then it would be nothing but a political gimmick but also it will be a waste of a lot of taxpayer money. I'm honestly scared to calculate how much it would cost and what all would need to change from people's legal documents, to names of state institutions, their documents, the public sector firms, educational institutions etc.

Another issue is the language, Bharat is the Hindi name and a lot of states might not accept given the fact that their local languages have always been given a lower position as compared to the North Indian Hindi. Then there's the history attached to it the name India and the govt will be basically bulldozing all that has been associated with it if they delete it.

Now people who've never actually opened a book up in their lives say that this is a name given by the British so it's our Colonial Legacy etc, but the thing is the name 'India' is actually related to the ancient Greeks who used to trade with the people of the indus Valley civilization. Locally the indus river was known as 'sindhu' and they in their own language translated it to 'indus' and thus, the word India came into being - the people who lived on the indus Valley were thus called 'Indians'. And then this name India given by the Greeks was later exported to other western cultures etc. So not a colonial Legacy after all.

A lot of other things also but the gist is that the name change/name deletion situation is a very slippery slope to go down.

Once again saying that it's just rumors at its point, but I won't be surprised that they are thinking it. the government is known to take pretty significant and often rash decisions without any prior information to anybody. Still it's just rumors till now.

#ash's asks #anons #PS

[capseycartwright]

every year since I have turned eighteen, i have written myself a letter the night before my birthday: it’s become one of the greatest and most familiar traditions of my life, and this year, i didn’t want to do it. i talk a big game about the value of challenge and taking lessons from the things life throws your way, and i still wholeheartedly do believe that - but this year, looking back on what 26 has been, i am struggling to understand the why. so, i figured - why bother to write a letter? and then i thought better of it, because well - tradition for traditions sake - but also because maybe in years to come with the benefit of hindsight, it’ll all make sense.

so - 26.

i turned 26 at my office, and perhaps that set the tone for the year. this year, i have become one of my most senior staff in my team, i have gotten to take over my dream policy area, and i have ticked off so many of my career goals in the four short years i have been in the professional world. my job gives me so much purpose, and joy, and fulfilment, and it’s the dream job. sometimes i think about the day i will leave this job, and it makes my heart ache - because i don’t think i will ever have a job like this, or be a part of a team like this again, and sometimes i miss it preemptively. in the same breath, i can’t help but be overwhelmed with gratitude that my first Real Job has turned out to be the dream job, and how often does that really happen? but with the joy has come some genuine grief, and this year, the colleague i started this job with left: and as much as i know it was the right decision for them on a personal level, god, was it hard. they were the person i relied on for advice and guidance, someone i learned an enormous amount from, and their last day in the office, i watched them leave and i couldn’t hold back the tears, because it’s hard to accept that you’ve started a journey with someone but you’re not ending the journey with them.

and somehow, that’s been a staple of this year in all aspects of my life - my very best friend Here, he left too. and i understand why, and he’s blossomed in the weeks and months since he moved home, but that doesn’t change the fact that the journey we started together four years ago now has become my journey to continue alone. living abroad like i do, emigrating, it’s an inherently lonely thing - you feel so far away from your friends, family - and it becomes even more achingly lonely when the friends you’ve made and the family you’ve built for yourself in your new home starts to change and there’s nothing you can do about it: because while my best friends journey abroad is over, mine isn’t, and accepting that i’m not ready for it to be over yet has been a big part of this year too. i never moved away with the intention of being gone forever, and i always figured that i would just Know when it was over and it was time to go home, and 26 had proven that it’s far more complicated than that. i have had so many moments over this last year when i have been so sure that this journey of mine is over and it’s time to go home, and there’s been so many other moments of beauty and genuine joy that have made me so sure that i’m not ready for it be ending. and so i am stuck in this strange middle ground where i know in my heart that the end is coming, but i am not quite sure when: so, i am doing my best to make the best of it before this crazy decision i made at 22 to move my entire life to another country becomes a memory i reflect on with a smile.

this year has been hard. when i thought about what i would write in this letter, there was a few things i wasn’t sure how i could immortalise with beautiful words: so, i’m not going to try and make it beautiful. this year, my mum almost died. and despite the fact it’s been six months, i have never written that down in black and white like this, and the words terrify me in a way i can’t describe. in january, i got on a plane and left ireland after six blissful (slightly covid ridden) weeks at home, and two weeks later, i got a call to say that during my mums check up, they had found serious blockages in her heart and they weren’t going to let her out of hospital without her having major surgery. countless doctors have told her she got as close to a major heart attack as anyone want to get, with her cardiologist explaining that if he’d let her leave that day, she wouldn’t have returned to his care alive, and i took the worst flight of my life, wondering why the hell i had ever moved away from my parents. and i wish that i could do the movie-esque thing, and roll the credits on my 26th year of life, and reassure you that everything is fine, but it’s not. my mum is about to go in for another major surgery and i (someone who is definitely somewhat of a control freak) can do nothing except sit by and hope that the doctors responsible for my mums life care about her even a tenth as much as i do.

the fragility of life is something that’s always terrified me, and naively, the people i love have always felt immortal to me, and i have struggled to accept that isn’t the case this year. i know that one of the hardest things i will ever do in my life is watch my parents age, and know there is nothing i can do to stop it: that all i can do is love them the way they love me and hope that’s enough.

but i won’t finish this on a sad note. as tough as this year has been, there has been some beautiful moments too. every year, i go to write this and i am reminded of the abundance of love in my life that’s given to me so freely - the family, but the friends, too, oh, how i love my friends. the friendships i have in my life are so deep and true and it feels like my friends are little pieces of my soul scattered all over the world, and as much as it aches to not get to spend every waking moment with them, the reunions and the holidays and the trips make it all worthwhile: because how could it not be, when i can spend weeks and months away from my friends and still collapse in their arms in the same way after a long day, and exchange a drink, and a smile, and for a blissful moment we’re 22 again, with the world at our feet? or we laugh, and joke, and suddenly: we’re fifteen again and we’re laughing at the silliest things. i carry my friends with me every day, empowered by their love, inspired to be more kind and caring, like they are, and regardless of year, they’ll always be one of the best parts of my life.

and i think this year, without even realising, i found more love for myself: i have struggled to love myself for who i am sometimes, and the process of healing from all the ways you’ve broken yourself to try and fit in to societies standards is a long and arduous one, but this year, i have made progress without even realising. i know now, i don’t need to fight for someone’s attention or care - that whether it’s friendly, familial, or romantic love, i deserve to receive it freely and without transaction, without having to beg for it. so i don’t, anymore. and nowadays - not every day, i have to admit - i look in the mirror and i see a woman of strength, and character, a woman who’s hit the highest highs and lowest lows and still continues on. i see someone i am proud to be, and that’s all the matters, really, right?

26 hasn’t exactly been what i imagined it to be - and somehow, i don’t think 27 will be either. it feels as though i am on the cusp of a transitional phase of my life and those seasons are always the most unexpected, and i think i need to let go and embrace that. because if 26 has proved anything to me, it’s that i can survive - and thrive - when life doesn’t go according to plan.

so - this has been 26. and tomorrow i turn 27. and we’ll see how it goes.

#in which i ramble #anyways…. this is a lot for me to write lmao but i hate to miss a tradition #it’s been a weird year folks #and here’s to the next one #the birthday posts #my writing tag

[tellthemeerkatsitsfine]

Personal life update below the “keep reading” link, posts about whatever the hell is going on with this season’s Taskmaster contestants will resume soon.

Well, life is happening. This weekend I’m going down to coach a tournament, for the first time in 2.5 years. A little more than that now, I think. It’s about five hours away, which is a road trip I used to do all the time. From about 2014 to 2020, I could mark my life by where I traveled. If you asked me how my last couple of months were, I’d tell you what city or town I was in every weekend, and what happened there. These places would sometimes be one or two hours away, usually five or six hours, occasionally twelve or fifteen. I was used to it! Spending so much time on the road was normal.

Now, I’m going to bed with my backpack already packed and my clothes for the drive laid out. I never used to do that. I used to just have a bag with extra toiletries and extra phone charger in my closet, and right before leaving I’d grab that and throw it in my backpack with a few clothes and go. Didn’t have to carefully think it through and pack the night before in case I forgot stuff.

It hasn’t been 2.5 years since I’ve been out of my city, or since I’ve done a multi-hour road trip. In that time, I’ve been to see my grandparents out East, I went to New York to see Nish Kumar (which seemed safer than coaching a tournament because I could keep my KN95 on every moment that I wasn't in the car or sleeping on my brother's couch, though given how few other people there wore masks it was still quite a risk), and a couple of other places. But tomorrow will be the first time in 2.5 years that I’ll be in a hotel, which is fucking weird. I used to be so familiar with those places. I used to spend such a large portion of my life in service stations and hotels.

We didn’t stay in hotels every trip, saving money when we could by crashing on friends’ floors or couches. I have one friend who runs a team in a city that’s near where a lot of tournaments are, and when it was available, he’d let my whole team sleep in his gym for free the night before competitions. That used to be fun. When COVID happened, that guy was one of the things I missed most. We have a long-distance friendship, as he’s about a five-hour drive away from me, but it didn’t feel long-distance that pre-pandemic, since we saw each other at events almost every weekend.

Not that we haven’t kept in touch during the last 2.5 years; he calls once in a while to give me gossip about our community that’s started to feel more and more like a memory, when it used to be where I had a real stake. There have been some quite memorable phone calls since I last saw him. The day our mutual friend died last year, he was the first person I called, and he did not already know, so I got to drop that news on him at 10 AM while he was at work. There were phone calls in which he started saying he thought some of the “COVID is a conspiracy” views of his fellow coaches might have some merit, and I fucking begged him not to start that way, because there are so few people in this world I trust, I've already seen the number dwindle over this and I can’t lose him too. He did, to his credit, stop before taking more than a couple of little steps in that direction. A year later, he was the one calling me to talk shit about the truckers.

He’s also been calling me this year to say the coaches from my team are telling him I won’t listen to them, but maybe I’ll listen to him, when he says it’s been two years and we’re all vaccinated and I need to stop hiding in my bedroom for my whole life and come back, and he wants to see me next weekend. And I always said I’ll try, but I never did, until this time. I haven’t even told him I’m going yet, because I wasn’t sure until today that I would, and I still want to leave myself the option to back out. But I’m almost sure I’m going. The ride is booked and everything. I’m driving down tomorrow with a high school kid on the team whom I barely know, and his mother, whom I’ve been told is lovely. That’s fucking weird. There didn’t used to be kids on the team I barely knew.

But then it’ll just be my best friend/co-coach and I in the hotel, which is nice. That’s part of why I picked this one as a way to come back – no coaches from my team will be there except the one guy I’ve known for 18 years. It’s been weird, fitting in to the new crop of coaches, some of whom joined after COVID started, but they know the athletes better than I do now. They know my own team better than I do. Figuring out how I work with them is something for another day. I will start with my best friend and I, the same coaching duo that ran that team for ages. I almost wrote “double act” there, and I guess that says something about how the lens through which I view the world has changed.

I haven’t told him I’m coming, but I’m really looking forward to seeing my other friend, the one who lives five hours away and never gave up calling me to tell me to come back, even though he hasn’t seen me in so long. I remember exactly when I last saw him. I wrote a post about it earlier this year, but the gist of it is that the last time I saw that guy was right before the finals of a championship tournament in early March 2020, when he pulled me close, leaned down from his 6 foot 7 height, and whispered: “Look, I don’t normally approve of showboating, but if your boy wins this match, he’d better make it rain.” Which is a top-notch sentence. I think all I really wanted from life was to set myself up in a way that someday, someone could say that sentence to me and it would make sense.

The tournament this weekend is about six hours away, in the town where I did my last couple of years of university. That not all it is to me; I’ve been back there many times since to coach other tournaments. But it’s an interesting place to start my return to any of those areas. To those various cities and towns that take turns hosting tournaments, that I used to know so well. At first, it was very weird to go so long without seeing them. Near the end of 2020 I seriously considered borrowing my parents’ car to drive down there and just walk around. Drive down in the morning, walk around for an hour, drive back at night, no need to stay anywhere and risk spreading COVID. Just see it, touch the pavement, know it’s still there. I may or may not have recently almost cried (only almost, it’s fine) while listening to Daniel Kitson tell a story on the radio in which he imagined doing exactly that during what should have been the 2020 Edinburgh Fringe Festival. He wrote an entire show about how much more careful he was than everyone he knew, and even he’s started touring again before I did. Though he’s been sticking to outdoor venues, and that’s not an option for me. If my sport could be done in an outdoor and COVID safe way, I’d have done this earlier too.

[riverstardis]

warning: long ass rant ahead

It doesn't help that I'm still disappointed with Saturday's ep but something about the lack of Ethan in that trailer seems to have set something off in me because now I'm mad about how dirty they've done him, not just recently, but over his whole time on the show. Because--and it seems weird to say now because since Cal's death he's become one of those characters that gets a lot of storylines (with the exception of s33 where he seemed to disappear off the face of the planet for a bit ofc)--before Cal died he hardly ever got any time to shine. Cal always got the focus and had storylines of his own whereas Ethan never had a proper storyline of his own, even the Huntington's storyline was mostly focused on Cal until the very end. It's kinda funny because it's canon that Ethan always felt in Cal's shadow but that doesn't mean they had to recreate that in real life!!

I remember in the fandom, among Ethan fans specifically (duh), when we found Cal was going to die we were of course sad about that but we were also hopeful that it would finally give Ethan his time to shine, and while yes it did do that, it didn't last very long because they soon started writing him completely out of character!!!

And then of course that lasted for years until somehow they managed to get his character back on track (obviously he's still very different to what he used to be like but I do think that what he's like now is realistic character development from what he used to be like given everything he's been through, unlike whatever the fuck happened in the middle there). But by the time they'd sorted that out, the quality of the show in general just wasn't as good. It has started to get better and it looks to be on the right track but now Ethan's leaving and by the looks of the trailer he's not going to have any focus until his exit storyline which seems like it might be around Christmas (so autumn or winter trailer maybe if they do them)?

I don't think I would be as mad if I thought that it was George Rainsford's choice to leave but I really don't believe it was.

And all this means that Ethan hardly has any rewatchable storylines, because the majority of storylines he's had that have actually been about him have been while they were butchering his character or while the show was suffering from covid restrictions. His stuff from s36 has been good but super depressing, and other than that he hasn't had a single storyline I would ever enjoy rewatching since s31, and if his next storyline's his exit, that's never going to change. (So basically yeah he's leaving in s37 but really he's been lost since s31.

I'm assuming his exit is going to be HD related but even then you'd have thought they would want to do as much as they could possibly do with it up to then while they still could but apparently not (I'm just going off the trailer here ofc there could be stuff not shown in the trailer). Like, so much for raising awareness, they've only brought attention to one (1) symptom. They could easily explore the cognitive and psychiatric symptoms while he's still able to work. Or they could give him a storyline that's not tragic and depressing for once in his damn life idk.

Anyways basically I'm sad Ethan's leaving, I'm mad at Casualty for not doing him justice, and I'm annoyed that despite the fact that he's been on the show for almost 9 years, it might as well have only been 4 years and even during those 4 years he was constantly overshadowed.

PS Classic Casualty is on s28 now which not only makes me feel very old, but it also means they should be reaching Ethan's first episode in a couple of weeks if anyone's interested.

#i really need to get a life #or go outside and touch a lot of grass #or magically become neurotypical #anything #bc why tf is this taking up so much of my headspace #or maybe i just need to be banned from making tumblr posts in the middle of the night #Bee's Middle of the Night Rants™ #bc apparently this is a recurring thing now #grammarly told me the tone of this post is gloomy and disapproving and yeah #sounds about right #@ fellow ethan fans reading this: come be miserable with me please #i'll make a proper post about my trailer thoughts tomorrow #ethan hardy #bbc casualty #rant #casualty

[sleephearts]

pink magnolia and rose quartz for your ask game <3 i hope you’re doing well today !

kurisu !!! i AM quite well ,,, legs r sore from climbing up n down a mountain 4 several hours but the view was v v worth (⁠.⁠ ⁠❛⁠ ⁠ᴗ⁠ ⁠❛⁠.⁠) i hope that u r taking care n having a lovely day too !!

pink magnolia— would you say that you develop crushes quickly?

yes! i think that i feel attraction v v quickly -- like da funny feeling in ur heart when u see sum1 cute yk? maybe a little heat in ur face? n obviously it grows the more time i spend around them...but lately they dont last long bc i WILL get some kind of ick. i have yet 2 meet a man i rly want 2 date on campus plaksdlfjg

(storytime : my last crush was abt a month ago on dis cute boy from my asian american psyc class bc we had sooo much in common but it all vanished two weeks l8er when he asked me if i knew what Twitch was 😭😭 like it's not even anything against him it just gave me da ICKY ick. so rip 2 that </3)

rose quartz— what’s your love language (romantic or platonic)?

i dunno how 2 rly describe it but if u tell me a story or talk abt things u like..i WILL remember it. store it in my brain like an elephant n bring it back out when we have a convo. this applies 2 bits abt life, fav foods, colors, songs, etc etc! ig it's my way of saying "i care u!" but a little less obvious hehe..hopefully it shows that this person is important 2 me + i cherish the relationship a lot ^w^

(more storytime : i had a tutor 4 SAT prep pre-covid that has dupuytren's contracture (tightening of hand tissue that eventually requires surgery) + when i met him a good bit of time l8er, over zoom, i asked him how his hand was n if his surgery went well/was still scheduled 2 happen. n this dude said, "...you know, you're the only one of my students that has asked abt my hand since we went online 4 covid. i think that rly speaks a lot 2 ur character." AND I ALMOST CRIED LMFAO BUT YEAH...IM GOOD @ THAT!!!!)

˚₊· ͟͟͞͞➳❥ pink themed asks

#KURISU I HOP U R FEELING GUD ON UR NEW BLOG TOO!!! #i hav been little miss writes an essay abt herself but doesn't work on her wips lately but....idc! dis is fun #ੈ♡ — games #꒰➳ lovemail.ᐟ #⊹₊ ⋆ games.ᐟ

[msvorderofoperations]

Shit Life Syndrome

I am in the midst of a crisis. Well, more so than usual as my life has been one slow motion catastrophe for the last year. To sum up: I was left holding the bag by a close friend that decided that he could no longer support me. I don't wish to divulge details but I did everything in my power to accommodate him on interpersonal, financial, logistical and emotional levels. It was not enough.

In the mad rush to get ready (though I don't know exactly how/when), I contracted COVID for the second time. While still isolating and recovering, I then had to start living on my own in a partially demolished space while I tried to get my feet under me. While that happened, I underwent surgery and it went literally as badly as it could. A week after the procedure, the incision tore open and became badly infected. I was all but bedridden for the next two months. As I was beginning to feel things take a turn for the better, my dad died. He was an utter piece of shit that I do not miss, but that he made zero plans for his death meant that the entire family was in disarray for weeks.

Literally the next day, I was told in no uncertain terms that I had to leave the space I had been living, even though I had been assured that I would always have a place until I found something permanent. I suppose that was a lie. I then had to scramble to try and get *anything* going for housing, while also having to rectify that I was now almost certainly afflicted with long COVID. As this happened, understandably (I hope) I got to a very low emotional state. I have flirted with suicidal ideation a number of times in my life, but it never gets very far. This time was different, and far worse. Just as I was in the worst throes of it, I had an epiphany. I have lived through worse, and come through the other side of it. All of these things that were weighing on me I have dealt with before, just never in such close proximity. I was not going to roll over to some amateur hour horseshit as being too sad. As has been said elsewhere, if hope cannot be found, spite can be a fine substitute.

Unfortunately, what is left unsaid is that spite is not infinite.

I have now been living in a tiny storage space with no more than a mattress, my clothes and my computer with my estranged sister and her deeply dysfunctional family for 3 months. I have been paying hundreds of dollars per month for the privilege, and do not have access to the homes amenities, and am still having to buy my own groceries. The only solace that I have is that I haven't had to move back in with my mom, who is bar none the worst of my abusers. But she lives close by and is constantly making things worse.

And to top all this off, to make this work I have had to move hours away from what few other supports I have in my life. I have not seen many of my friends in years owing to the pandemic, and to see any of them now takes at least two hours of traversal, a sizable portion of which is walking. This means that if I want to do anything I have to be prepared to lose 1 or 2 days just in the recovery.

This has also put enormous strain on my relationship with my girlfriend. She has been entirely understanding about all of this and has been an absolute paragon of love and support. She has also been working her ass off to try and make things happen wherever I cannot. I know that she is going to read this and worry, but I am going to reassure her and anyone else that happens to read this that I am not going to do anything drastic. I just desperately need to get these words out.

In watching a video by one of my favourite video-essayists, he has an aside on how COVID, and the ensuing health problems afterward delayed the very project that I was watching. For nearly a year. But having the video to work towards gave some structure and an end goal he could work towards even if he felt that he might not actually have anything useful to say. That his issues mirrored my own was discomforting, but that I didn't even have anything to work towards fully unmoored me.

Yes I have had the goal of finding a place to live, but nothing about that goal is concrete. I cannot any more definitively make a place to live happen by myself than I can will myself into being healthy. It is all down to blind, simple, clueless luck. We are in the midst of a generationally unique economic crisis which is inexorably tied to an almost entirely unprecedented housing disaster. I am of very little financial means currently, and for nearly everywhere that is not good enough.

And that's the real bitch of it! I'M ONE OF THE LUCKY ONES. I'm a white, cis-male passing person who has been able to find support within the social structures for disability available to me that precious few people will ever get access to. And for all that, it counts for nearly N O T H I N G. The monthly stipend for rent payments is utterly laughable, and it was already increased last year. Before that, it was even less. For years, bordering on a decade it was the Provincial governments opinion that $375 a month should be more than adequate. That has not ever been enough in my lifetime. And yes, I understand that elsewhere in the world It would be enough! But what isn't spoken about nearly often enough is that while Vancouver is highly celebrated for a great many things, all of that comes at the cost of some of the most extortionately high cost of living anywhere in the world. But I digress.

While feeling discomfited by the feelings brought up by this video essay, I turned to some of my comfort media. I am not unique in this, but frequently dour media has helped me get through tough emotional situations. This time however, did not. I was watching Chainsaw Man, and Denji's Shit Life felt all too familiar in tone, if not necessarily in details. And then I was hit with an intrusive thought of the absolute worst kind: when looking to narratives to comfort myself I fucked up because they were just that. Narratives. Stories. That actually have to meaningfully go somewhere. The real world does not enjoy that luxury.

For weeks unto months, I have been saying to myself and other that this won't last, that things will get better. But I don't know that. How many people in my situation or worse never pull themselves out of the mire they find themselves in? How many succumb each day to the elements, malnutrition, sickness, violence or plain unfortunate accidents? We tell each other that things have to get better because we believe that there is some narrative resolution to suffering. But for so many people, that never happens. One need only look to all the senseless deaths at the hands of the genocidal maniacs that are in power right now.

I don't have a useful way to end this. I am not going to beg for donations (seriously, I have to report any and all income and I could lose my benefits permanently if they don't like what they see), and I don't have any solutions or witticisms to ponder. Hell, I can count on one hand the number of people that will actually read this. I guess...just keep an ear out if you know anybody in the Greater Vancouver Regional District is looking for a roommate.

#personal #cw: suicide mention #might end up deleting this #I dunno #just catching a lot of feelings tonight

[a-dustlandfairytale]

People don't talk enough about how grief feels like a freight train running through your chest. There is no definitive conclusion on when it will end nor fade. Some days you feel kinda normal and you wonder why your friends treat you like glass. Other days you feel like even a pin drop could cause you to break down. This post is very personal so don't read ahead if you don't feel up to it.

I was reading texts that were from my dad, whom I lost 2 years ago, and I've been crying. It feels like needles of torture, but somehow worse than that would be to forget and ignore, because it feels like that's what everyone is already doing. It feels like my lungs fill up with fluid and I wanna cry out with animalistic wails as I grieve. Boy do I grieve. Grief is used too sparingly for a word that takes a bite out of your world.

My dad died when I was 19 (going on 20) I'm the most painful way possible for me. He had been sick on and off for months. He promised he would go to the doctor if he wasn't feeling well. He didn't and I ended up finding him dead. I had to tell my family he died. When I found him I didn't even know, I couldn't tell. He looked peaceful, like he was sleeping, but he was on the floor. I called my mom to come up from the car as they were divorced. Not long later she told me to look away and thats when I knew. I don't even remember what the cops asked me when they arrived. I just kept looking to where my mom covered him in a blanket. I couldn't breathe. I still don't think I can breathe sometimes.

5 months later my oldest brother died. His mom and stepfather had always been alcoholics and always peer pressured him into drinking. My dad definitely didn't love it but it was hard to beat a guy who was literally a multimillionaire. My brother became an alcoholic as he grew up. He always thought he could just have a drink on the weekends after he got out of rehab. A month after my dad died he almost died from liver failure and didn't tell us. He just told me he was in the hospital. So he kept getting mad as I nagged him. I was so worried. Foe good reason as I would soon find out. His doctor gave him maybe 5 years to live if he stopped drinking. Maybe a year otherwise. He told us on canada day. I held his hand as he died in the hospital barely 2 weeks later during covid restrictions, which meant only 2 people could be there. Only me and his girlfriend were there. His mom was too scared to see him die. His body was so thin and his hands so swollen. They couldn't give him anymore blood cause he kept bleeding out. He actually died with a liquor bottle in his arms. While i didnt love it, it was his last wish, it was the last thing i could help do for him. Before I met my brothers mom and stepdad, I never knew I could truly hate someone. Her and her husband are people I truly hate and will never forgive. Their daughter died this year from an overdose 2 days after I saw her. They only have 1 kid now.

I've never been able to find a therapist that works for me. Like there have been some okay ones but when it comes down to it, it seems that according to them veryone and clearly it hasn't been working for me. Since all this happened it's not unlike chidis reference to the ocean, thats how my grief feels and I want it to just go back to the ocean, but at the same time, much like Eleanor, im so scared I'm gonna somehow lose along the way. It's been 2 years.

I'm 22. I wanna be normal. I want my dad and brother here so badly. I wish I had been by my dads side earlier and helped him. I have so many regrets but I feel like I can't let them go.

Anyways back to our regular scheduled programming.

#grief #grief journal #death #dad #brother #personal #tw grief

[sylvinuk-turkey]

Today was almost like three days in one.

This morning we woke up at 4am for a 4:30a pickup by a van. We were the second of four groups to be picked up. First was a woman who spoke Italian and the other two groups spoke Spanish… so between myself and Gokay we ended up being the translators… which my brain was not ready for that early in the morning.

At first it felt like we arrived late, the sky was getting brighter, many vans had passed us earlier, and some balloons were already in the sky. In the end I think we had perfect timing, there were already balloons in the air we could take pictures of, and some behind us too, so we could see balloons on all sides. Also we got the moon with the sunrise, can you see it in the next picture?

They gave us small food bags which included juice, water, packaged chocolate croissant, and a chocolate bar… Breakfast of champions! Which I wasn’t really hungry for, Gokay went for it though.

Next they helped us into the rectangular basket. 4 square standing areas on either side of a thin rectangle for the two captains. It was 2-4 people per square, ours was the Italian woman, Gokay and myself. Although, it was both Gokay’s and my first balloon ride, it was the most incredible hour+! The view, going up and over a cliff, the other balloons, and the smooth landing. Who cares that we woke up so early! Lol

We came back to the hotel around 7a! Lol so back to bed. Breakfast at the hotel ends at 10 so we set a 9:45a alarm and went up for breakfast. After that we showered and finished packing our bags since we had to be out of the room by noon.

Once we were ready, we walked to downtown Urgup and caught a “bus” (basically a dolmush van) to Avanos. This is the same town the ceramic place was, we wanted to try going to the local museum when it was open, since it wasn’t open on Monday.

The museum was a house built in 1906ish and the owner died. It passed through a couple different businesses and government hands and then ended up as part of the local university as a museum that the students could run. The house is mostly original, and the stuff in the rooms give a sense of what life was like in the region, everything from arts to cooking to bedrooms. The student guide could only speak Turkish, so Gokay did an amazing job translating for me (I’m assuming 😜).

Next, our guide told us about a steakhouse in Goreme for a late lunch. We took another van bus there, but got stopped by police for a security check, everyone had to show proof that they could be in the country. Once they checked everyone we were free to go, but they did take one person off the bus.

Lunch at the steakhouse was incredible! I know it sounds very American, but due to us knowing the guide the chef came out and helped us order. We had appetizers, salad, a bone marrow dish (yum!) and 2 types of steak. We fed some of the meat to a cute cat that hangs out at the restaurant, we asked the waiter first if it was ok. We finished our meal with an incredible baklava and tea.

Next we had to meet a friend of Gokay’s mom in Uchisar, she was the one who made the taxi and balloon ride possible. This time it was easier to just take a quick taxi ride. Turns out she owns an amazing hotel (it was going to be their retirement home but then Covid happened). It has an incredible view and the day was so perfect and clear that we could see the volcano.

Since we were in Uchisar, we figured we might as well go in the “castle” which is the highest point in Cappadocia. We’ve taken many pictures of it in the last couple days, but from afar. So we went in and climbed to the top. Just breathtaking views with more carved out caves.

We headed back to our hotel for a little bit of a break, and then we met up with our guide again. He had offered to take us to the bus station in Nevşehir for our 11:30p overnight bus to Pamukkale. So we offered to pay for dinner beforehand. He again recommended a lovely place, Cafe Antre, which one of his students runs with their sister. The sister makes manti and yaglama. The second was a new dish for all three of us. It’s basically lacmacun, layered like lasagna noodles. You pour yogurt on the top layer and then wrap that layer around your fork… like spaghetti. Then you repeat for each layer. Soooo yummy, and also fun to eat.

We went to MiGROS again (the grocery store) to pick up some snacks for our bus trip. Not sure I’ll need food since I’m so tired I’m sure I will sleep the whole bus ride! Then our guide drove us to the bus station.

We waited a little… and a little more… my picture is us stuck in the parking lot waiting and the moon rising… it was beautiful but we were cranky. The bus was 30 min late, but we got on it… and it will supposedly arrive around 9a tomorrow. We are still up at 2a… and have made multiple stops.

Our guide gave us some recommendations on how to go through the pammukule sites tomorrow so we are very prepared… but we might be asleep…

[necrocat]

TW DEATH TW BUGS TW RELIGION TW DRUGS

aye yo tw graphic death shit under the cut and also religious talk and also just me venting and being emotional

my last reblog of dale gribble just like made me flat out start sobbing. dale gribble always reminded me of my grandpas nephew kenny. I always had a really weird relationship with kenny. He wasnt a great guy. He was a terrible father to his kids. We had to take in his kids so many times because CPS wanted to take them away. He was a polyaddict, mostly using alcohol towards the end but im pretty sure he was cleaning up his act. He was trying.

He was at my house a few days before christmas and he was in the basement working on our furnace with my grandpa. Kenny always did shit work and it never stayed fixed and usually ended up being worse after he got his hands on it, but he still came and helped. I was pissed he was here because he’s unvaccinated and wouldnt get vaccinated despite our pleas and despite us even taking him to the location he needed to get it done. I resented him a lot. He pissed me off a lot. My grandparents had contracted covid from him the year before. I couldnt wait for him to leave. I’ll regret not going down and telling him “Merry Christmas” for the rest of my life. We were the last family he saw aside from his ex who was actively trying to get him thrown in jail. Why the fuck am I such a bitch. I hate myself for that. I will always hate myself for that.

We bantered a lot when we saw each other. He would say im “as pretty as a hubcap” He reminded me a lot of my dad. I think thats what hurts a lot. He reminded me of like…. the good parts of my dad. The funny parts. The witty parts. Kenny did drugs with my dad when they were younger. Kenny never stopped fighting for his kids despite being a shitty father. I hated and loved kenny at the same time. It was a weird relationship. I cared about him a lot more than I thought.

Around New Years Eve Kenny had went to visit his ex in a womens shelter. On his way home the muffler fell off of his truck. Kenny never did things the right way. He tempted fate almost constantly. He pulled off to the side of the road and hiked his car up with an old rusty jack just like he had done so many times. It wasnt enough. It wasnt enough the many times he had done it before but he just got lucky. We dont know exactly what happened, he could have kicked it, a big truck could have drove by and jostled it, we dont know, but the jack fell, and his car crushed him. He got squashed like a fucking bug and god im crying againbbecause dale gribble is an exterminator. It just feels so fucked up. Its not fucking fair. It just feels fucked up and evil. I have never coped well with things coming to an end.

Lately Ive felt so much resentment towards my grandpas method of grieving and i feel so guilty for that. Kenny was the closest thing to a biological son my grandpa ever had. I just wish he would mourn in his own way without bringing me into it. It seems that he gets this motivation to convert everyone when someone dies because he gets scared we’ll die and wont go to heaven because we havent been saved. It drives me crazy. Nothing about this death makes me want to become closer to god. I cant stand hearing people who didnt even fucking know kenny saying he got “called home to god”Try telling that to his fucking kids who are in foster care. Why the fuck would a god SMASH SOMEONE UNDER THEIR CAR. Why would god torment someone for their whole lives and then end it with a big disgusting smash. I dont like that god. I dont believe in that god. I condemn that god. Why cant tragic shit just happen? Its terrible. its heartwrenching. Why does it have to have some deeper meaning? Everyone fucking failed kenny. Everyone failed him. He never got a fighting chance to begin with. If there is a god that god failed kenny. squashed like a bug. His whole life he was treated like a pest and I was a part of that. It makes me feel ill. It makes me feel angry. It makes me want to scream and rip my hair out. Theres nothing I can do. The coroner said his death was sudden. He didnt suffer. I hope its true. I hope it was nothing but a warm embrace. I hope is pain is over. I hope his kids are in loving hands.

#personal #vent

[24ny17az]

happy? return?

So, a lot has happened since I last logged in. 

I got my Art History degree, then i instantly got my 1st job, which was traumatizing. It was in my town, which was fine, if it wasn’t because I worked for the town hall, which my parents have a past on so everybody knew them, and accordingly formed an opinion about me or treated me differently when they met me. Also, it felt like wasted time, doing nothing, or at least without a purpose. I did not feel valued. Sure, the money was nice but, damn, it was my first job, and it was related to my studies and it fucked me up. (Also, I was about to go to Italy for the 1st time when they called me and they ruined my plans). 

At the same time I started the master degree in my area (museums, heritage)... it was great, got to meet a bunch of nice girls, got a little more social, the job fucking ended, slowly but steadily i was feeling freed and more confortable with myself. I was about to start the mandatory trainee time and boom! COVID... Well damn. 

I mean, I bet I don’t need to tell what that time felt like. I wanted to crawl out of my skin, I couldn’t take any more pressure from living with my parents. I started studying for the competitive exams of the state museums (exasperating) as well as applying for any job I could fit into. Also, studying C1 english and B1 italian to get the stupid B2 level in order to ottenere la patente di guida turistica, ho conseguito il livello B1 ma non riesco a passare l’esame parlato del B2 perché sono idiota. I got the C1 in english though. 

Anyway, I eventually got a new job, slightly related to my studies, in a town 25 away but again in a new created possition, in a town hall, everything is slow and little depends on me, so, although the new people I’ve met, generally, have been nice to me, I still feel useless and worthless. 

But before starting in my new job, haha  bloody terrific, my childhood dog died, well, I had to put her down before she suffered more. It has been 8 horrible months since when but i finally don’t cry whenever I think of her, although I do tear up a little. And I just can’t stop thinking that maybe, if I hadn’t been so occupied, studying, being sad, maybe I would have noticed something was wrong with her sooner, and maybe she would have lived a little longer (I mean, she was almost 17, I had been preparing for this since I left for college, thanks anxiety! But still hurt like hell), or would have suffered less. 

On top of that, it’s been a little more than a year since my boyfriend moved 3 hours away for work. We have been seeing eachother at least once a month if not more but he’s what keeps me sane and I just miss him so much, being with him but most of all living with him. Having lived with him for 5 years (college and master’s degree) got us, I feel, into a great intimacy and daily routine that suddenly vanished. :(

The bright side this year was definitely Our Flag Means Death, also I’ve been quite excited for The Rings of Power, all the Marvel and Star Wars Stuff and House of the Dragon, Star Trek... What a year for fiction! Yey! Distraction! But I can’t really take the toxiticy and negativity in Twitter anymore so I came back here. Hoping to find less of that a more of beautiful takes, details, astonishing quality gifs to appreciate the beauty of it all. 

Well, I don’t really think anyone actually reads this but um, yeah this is just like the introduction I would give to a therapist if I ever go to see one (someday...)

(Also I think I’m giving up on italian.. lol)

[aoitrinity]

Why Do I Have to Feel Like a Fucking Conspiracy Theorist -- OR -- How I Find a Semblance of Peace on Sunday Night

I’m also going to start this out with a GIANT DISCLAIMER.

I am about to theorize about what may have happened to the SPN finale. I have absolutely no insider knowledge. I am merely speculating here based on the panels and a bunch of Twitter and Tumblr posts that I have been reading over the last few days. If you are not in a good place to read such things, TURN BACK PLEASE. Go take care of yourself and your mental health. You and your feelings are valid and deserve to be handled gently right now.

Additionally, if you are here to give me shit for being unhappy with the ending, please walk away as well. I am here to reach out and share my feelings with people who might be struggling to make sense of something that upset some of us in very deep-seated ways. I am not here to bother you or critique you or tell you that you’re lesser because you liked the ending. If you felt it was good, then go enjoy it.

Long-ass post beneath the cut, everyone.

Alrighty folks...I debated whether or not to do this because I have been spiraling down the hell that is the SPN finale since Thursday. The travesty of what happened to our show--to this beloved show that seemed to have been so perfectly and precisely written for at least four years that it had basically already paved its own tarmac on which to land its plane and we all thought we knew exactly what we were going to get. And then we didn’t. We had a nigh Cas-less and entirely Eileen-less ending. We had no goodbye between Cas and Jack. We had Dean dying young after finally finding his freedom, only to ascend to heaven with no one but Bobby. We had the weird, weird, weird incest-y death scene. We had the bridge crane shot thing because...sure. You do you, Robert Singer.

It was so terrible, so truly awful, and I couldn’t seem to square any of it with anything we had known going in. I tossed and turned and cried and didn’t eat or sleep all weekend. I spent hours just reloading tumblr and twitter, going to the Misha panel, reading and reading and listening and trying to figure out what the fucking hell is going on because I needed to know exactly where to direct my anger. And after a fuckton of talking with @winchester-reload, I think we have at least a very plausible theory about what happened here--I’m laying it out below as much for my own peace of mind as anything else, because otherwise all of these thoughts are going to continue to spin around in my head for weeks and I won’t be able to do jack shit.

Now to start off, unfortunately I do think Dean was slated to die from the beginning of this season. I don’t know WHY they thought that was the best way to go, and I wish they had listened to Jensen on this one. Part of me wonders if it was an order from on high based on the discussion between Becky and Chuck earlier this season--the writers knew it wasn’t a great choice, but they were trying to signal to us that we should feel free to write our own endings to the story because they’d be better (I can wax poetic on the signs of why many of the writers probably wanted Dean to live, but that’s another post). I’m not defending that choice by any means, just laying it out there that I think they didn’t necessarily all want to kill Dean like they did.

However, what I THINK I can explain now is what happened with Misha and why we got so jerked around with Cas’s story. Consider what we know (I can’t immediately source all of it, but I did my best):

At the end of episode 15x19, Lucifer has been returned to the Empty after being killed AGAIN. He talks with Cas. Maybe harasses him a bit about Dean, idk. But then...Jack shows up. New God Jack. And he picks up Cas and pulls him out of the Empty, leaving Lucifer behind, because seriously. Fuck that guy (also leaving behind his abusive father is character growth for Jack, so yay for that).

-Misha was contracted to film 15 episodes this season. He was only in 14.

-Misha told Michael Sheen he had to go back to film 1.5 episodes after the shutdown in March. (Starts at 6:13)

-Misha was in Vancouver during filming of the finale.

-Mark P said at Darklight Con that the last scene he filmed was with Alex and Misha (and Mark P was only in episode 19).

-Misha implied that he was present for various filming moments, including Dean’s death (start at 35:15), and said that it felt like a “mini-reunion.”

-Various sources have mentioned that Jimmy Novak was supposed to be in the finale.

-After episode 18, Stands tweeted a fan who was angered and hurt by Cas's death that they could talk about the “bury the gays” issue after the finale aired.

-In episode 19 we know there were takes of the parking lot scene where the only thing fans observing could hear was Dean yelling “CAS” at Chuck (fuck I can’t find this one right now, but it’s definitely out there)

-Also in episode 19, we had a very strange, awkward montage at the end of the episode.

-In episode 20, we know there were a FUCKTON of missing scenes

-We also had no opening montage, but three other separate montages.

-Carry on My Wayward Son was played TWICE, back-to-back at the end of the episode.

-Episode 20 was shorter than normal and had surprisingly little dialogue. The pacing was VERY strange.

-The cast and crew has been almost completely silent about the finale since it came out. When they have spoken, it has been with an awkward excuse of “Uh...COVID?”

-Samantha Ferris has specifically noted that, despite the Harvelle’s being back in play and a big heaven reunion having been planned pre-COVID, neither she nor Chad Lindberg received any such invitation to return.

-Cas and Dean POP Funko figures were pictured together in a replica of Harvelle’s in 15x04.

NOW with all of this in mind (and I’m probably missing some stuff too because there is so much--feel free to add on to that list), please bear with me because here is what I think we were SUPPOSED to get POST-COVID (after it was determined that the reunion couldn’t happen because of the virus):

In episode 20, we start with our NORMAL OPENING MONTAGE, like always. It traces everything that happened during the season. We are reminded of Cas. The confession. Rowena. Eileen. Jack. Billie, God, the Empty, all of it. 

Things then follow along in the episode where they did up until Dean dies and wakes up in heaven. After his conversation with Bobby, he drives off to find Cas (who, in the script, was listed as “Jimmy Novak” in order to protect against script leaks--who wouldn’t want to do their best to avoid spoilers about the finale with the wrapping of a fifteen-year show?). He does indeed find Cas. We get Dean’s end of the confession. Hell, maybe we even get a kiss. And then Dean sets up his new heaven home in the recreated Harvelle’s. Maybe Cas even fucking moves in. 

Years pass. We get Sam having his life on Earth (still can’t explain why they cut Eileen and couldn’t even have Sam signing vaguely to the blurry brunette in the background; if anyone wants to take that on, go for it). Eventually, Cas tells Dean that it’s almost Sam’s time. Dean takes Baby and goes to meet Sam at the bridge. The cover of Carry on My Wayward Son plays during this much shorter sequence. End of episode.

But that’s not what we got. Instead, much of what I just wrote about was excised from the episode. The remnants were stitched together after shooting had been wrapped. Filler was added in the form of montages and long, unnecessary extra shots to get the episode to something approaching a reasonable length. 

But why? Why would they spend all that time and money and quarantining on Misha, only to almost completely cut him out of the finale? I struggled with why the fuck the CW would want this mammoth show to go down as the greatest queerbait in TV history when they had the chance to do something truly beautiful and monumental with it? It couldn’t just be sheer homophobia, right? Well, I think that factored into it, my friends, but here is where my head is at right now.

It was about cold, hard cash.

Now I could be wrong, but this is what I’m thinking at the moment: Supernatural is going off of the air. Supernatural, the CW’s cash cow for fifteen years. Sure there is still money to be made on blu-rays and merchandise and cons...but they need people watching their shows. They need that sweet advertising revenue. And you know what show they have about to premiere? A show that could, potentially, bring with it a chunk of that SPN revenue?

Walker.

And if any of you know anything about the original Walker Texas Ranger, you know that the show was predominantly a show about a very heterosexual white man being very excessively heterosexual. And for SOME REASON over the years, many of the execs at the CW still seem to think that this show, Supernatural, is really attractive to a lot of middle-American white men...whom they desperately want to watch this new show with this guy from Supernatural that they already know.

Now here’s where COVID fucked us. I think Destiel was greenlit by TPTB, at least in SOME form, before COVID. But then the pandemic happened, and they panicked. They got the cut of the last two episodes and watched them in their original, probably queer form. And then, the execs at CW looked at the economy. They looked at their cash cow, about to make its journey to the great beyond. And they looked at this new little calf Walker that they were so desperately worried about. And they made a choice.

They decided that it would be too risky to take the step with Destiel. They were worried about frightening off their ever-so-valuable hetero male demographic with the possibility that a traditionally masculine man in his 40s could be in love with another man in an overt way. It was homophobia mixed with greed, spun up by fear for their revenues because of COVID.

So they called in Singer, possibly Dabb, although I wouldn’t be surprised if they went straight to Singer. They told them that Destiel had to go: executive orders. And the only way to make it go in a way that removed any trace of what had been there was to rewrite what happened to Cas and cut him out from the last two episodes entirely. It was too late to reshoot anything. They had to just cut and stitch and fill with bullshit montages. 

They removed the scene at the end of 19, probably because Cas and Lucifer discussed Dean. All that was left of Misha there was his voice on that fake phone call. They may have cut other things too, but I would bet my life that they cut a scene from the end of the episode and replaced it with that very strange montage. Then they moved onto 20. They cut out every scene with Cas. And left in only two platonic mentions of him, neither made by Dean. They tried to imply that Cas might show up in Dean’s heaven at some point, but that was as far as the editors could go in the time they had. They filled in with montages, awkwardly long shots, anything they could do to fill all of those missing scenes.

And they even had to take the opening montage, because literally everything in it pointed to Cas being there at the end of it all. They wouldn’t be able to leave out his scenes, they were too critical to the season. They couldn’t cut his confession without raising eyebrows. So they cut the whole thing and moved “Carry On My Wayward Son” to one of the newly-added driving montages at the end. Which is why we awkwardly had both songs play back-to-back--again, such a strange choice unless they were out of options and couldn’t exactly buy rights to a new track or compose anything else.

And so we were left with the shadow of the finale that we deserved, that Cas and Dean deserved. We were left without resolution or happiness or words. Bobo told us the most important thing about happiness is just “saying it” and our characters were silenced without anyone ever knowing the truth.

I think the writers might have known and been given the new party line that “Misha never filmed, he couldn’t, sorry, it was COVID, no one’s fault!” But I don’t think most of the cast even knew it had happened until they watched the finale on Thursday with us (though they might have been confused why the bit from 15x19 was sliced, they could reasonably have assumed it was a time thing and also BL episodes don’t make sense anyway). Why do I say that?

Well, first of all, Misha started sending out a bunch of excited texts to fans with some old BTS pictures about an hour before the show started airing on EST. He also wanted his children to see the episode, his YOUNG children. Why would he show them such a traumatic episode if their Dad wasn’t in it? What if it was because he wanted them to witness what was going to be a monumental moment in queer television history that their DAD got to be a part of? And then that was all dashed.

Which is why I think the cast and crew went almost completely radio silent the next day. I don’t think they knew. And based on how they have been acting on social media since then, I think many of them are absolutely furious, but they have been silenced because of NDAs, because they want to find work again in a cutthroat industry, because they don’t want to bring down the hellfire of Warner Brothers Entertainment upon themselves. So the most we have gotten is a little acknowledgement from the MERCHANDISING COMPANY trying to validate our pain (god bless Shirts, she is a LIFESAVER) and a response to my salty tweet about keeping good stuff in the closet from Adam Williams (the VFX coordinator) that seemed to acknowledge the validity of my complaint.

Then there was a scramble behind the scenes, I would bet my life. Talking points were fed to the boys who had panels today, to CE, to all the cast and crew:

Toe the party line. Misha never filmed. This was always about COVID. Do not mention Destiel. Do not mention Dean’s feelings for Cas. Do not promote the Castiel Project or anything that validates the idea that this was anything less than a superb ending.

And that is why we have heard so little from the cast on this front, and what we have heard has been muddled and contradictory. That is why the writers are saying nothing. That is why we have been left adrift.

Now before I close this out, I do want to say that I really, genuinely do not think this was on the writers at all. I feel like they tried to give us the best ending that they could, in a writers room that we know is notorious for splitting along party lines about the overall story (BL and Singer, who have always been about the brothers and their man-pain vs. Dabb and the rest who always seemed to want more for them and for Cas). I think they did everything in their power to at least end with Dean and Cas happy together. If they could give us nothing else, they wanted to give us that. And then the network took it from them. From us. From everyone.

For the sake of fucking money. 

And the WORST PART OF IT ALL, for me, is that in the wake of this disaster, the fans have been left to try and figure out what happened. We have had to wade through a mire of conflicting information in the midst of all of our collective anger and grief over this garbage ending of a show many of us have loved and even relied on for YEARS, all the while wondering if we’re just fucking crazy, if we have all fallen collectively into the hole of conspiracy theories. That hurts ESPECIALLY badly because we have taken so many hits over the years from other groups on social media saying we were crazy for seeing things that weren’t there (especially Destiel), for writing meta and analyzing tropes and believing the evidence of our eyes and ears. The network has made us relive that entire nightmare WHILE processing our grief for a show we wanted so badly to celebrate and which instead we now have to mourn.

So again guys, I cannot prove that this is exactly what happened at all; this is simply my idea of what may have happened. But right now, it’s the most sense I can make from this mess, and to be honest, the act of typing it out has helped me enormously in my processing of it all. I feel like I can see more clearly, like I know where to target my outrage and where to direct empathy. I feel like just fucking maybe, I might be able to do my job tomorrow without bursting into tears at random moments. 

I really hope that this post has helped some of you to, in some small way, process this too. We get through this the way that Misha told us at his panel this morning, the way the writers have told us to do all season long...we throw out the story God gave us and we make it better. We write our characters the happy endings they deserve. 

We save them.

One last thing--if you have not already, please consider channeling your rage into a donation to one of the five causes our fandom has put together to pay tribute to our beloved show and to mourn the ending it should have had:

-The Castiel Project

-Dean Winchester is Love

-Sam Winchester Project

-The National Association of the Deaf

-The Jack Kline Project

#supernatural season 15 #spn finale #speculation #destiel #destielgate #the ending was not the ending #fuck the cw #trust the story #we were robbed

[sylvanas-girlkisser]

Arcane Background Lore/Easter Eggs (Episode 2)

I have spent an unreasonable amount of time learning League of Legends lore, for those who are smarter than that, here’s some random details I picked up rewatching Arcane episode 2. These will range from “fun fact” to stuff that could potentially be useful for fanfics etc.

The mage in Jayce’s flashback is almost certainly meant to be the character Ryze. He is one of the most powerful mages in the setting and is at least as old as Heimerdinger. Like Heimerdinger he was traumatized by the magical cataclysm and is travelling the world hunting for the magical artifacts that caused it. Realm warp, which we see him casting here is his signature spell, and afaik he is the only mage who still capable of casting it.

The place Jayce and his mom nearly died is a region called “The Freljord” halfway across the globe from Piltover. The mountains of the region are known to be especially dangerous (and cold), and I’m having a hard time figuring out what in the world they would be doing all the way up there.

Heimerdinger’s hesitance towards magic makes sense given his life experiences – but it’s also kinda rich coming from a Yordle, a literal creature of magic.

This pistol, as well as the shooting gallery that Powder repairs use iconography from the pirate city of Bilgewater, which often attack Piltover ships.

This target is a drawing of Gangplank, the Reaver King of Bilgewater. Also a very minor continuity error, he appears to be wielding the pistol “Shock” which he commissioned from, then used to kill the legendary gunsmith/gunslinger Abigail Fortune. In current lore he broke both Shock and it’s sister Awe after killing Abigail, however in older lore he kept Shock as a trophy until it was taken from him by Abigail’s daughter Sarah.

One last detail then I’ll move past the arcade scene: the games Vi and Powder each play call back to their archetypes in League, Vi is a bruiser, Powder/Jinx is a marksman.

I don’t expect house Ferros will make an appearance in Arcane but they are the house who first discovered Hex Crystals/the Brackern, and it’s about to make them very rich, which will lead to a whole lot of family drama. If you like sad and lonely middle aged women who have lost faith in humanity, and could kill you with ease; I recommend looking up Camille Ferros.

Mel Medarda is not a playable character in League however: there were supposed to be two more characters added to the roster this year that had to be delayed until early next year because of covid and stuff. These were an electricity themed marksman from Zaun, and a support themed around wealth and charisma heavily implied to be from Piltover. We don’t know that the support is going to be Mel, but the hints we have been given seem to fit.

This portrait is the first time we see Caitlyn’s parents, and its also the first piece of definitive proof we have that Caitlyn is biracial.

In this flashback Heimerdinger is (probably) referencing an event called the Rune Wars, where a bunch of mages used these McGuffins called “World Runes” to well, destroy everything. Knowing that it happened within Heimer’s lifetime actually forces the fandom to reconsider the timeline as fanon tended to put the Rune Wars approximately 1000 years ago.

Outside of Bilgewater and the Buhru, most cultures in League don’t pay a lot of attention to the sea monsters that lurk in Runeterra’s oceans. The majority of them are just funky looking overgrown fish, but some, like the kind Silco met are old, magical, and have a tendency to alter the people who meet them. Nobody know what the sea monsters are up to, but they are definitely up to something.

This clapping monkey toy featured heavily in Jinx introductory video (Get Jinxed). Back in 2013 when Jinx’s motivation was daddy issues, it was mostly just a visual shorthand to show how cuuuuuh-razy she was, so it’s fun seeing how Arcane managed to retroactively tie it into both Powder’s trauma and her destructive urges in a not horrendously ableist manner.

In the Get Jinxed video, Jinx/Powder spray paints a rhinoceros with the exact same pattern seen on this plushie in the basement of The Last Drop.

seeing as we have been talking a lot about Bilgewater, i’d like to end by introducing:

Miss Sarah Fortune, bounty hunter, captain of the Syren, bane of the Reaver King, ruler of Bilgewater, lover of women, and heavily implied to have had a threesome with Vi and Caitlyn.

If there’s anything I missed please let me know, I’m planning to do a breakdown like this for each episode.

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9

#Arcane #league of legends #arcane spoilers

[teddy06writes]

Who Knew Being A Youtuber Was Dangerous

requested by this anon: "Okay last one I promise…. I think. So CC!Dream x Bodyguard!Reader or reverse the roles, whatever works. Premise: Dream starts going to conventions and needs to be protected from all the antis and obsessive fans. But Dream didn’t know his bodyguard was gonna be attractive…"

dream x reader

trigger warnings: some swearing, yelling, general violence/threats

premise: The first vidcon after Covid has finally arrived, and with his face newly revealed, Dream's getting a bit worried a bout how a week in California will turn out, so, he (lets be real it was his manager) hirers you and your team for protection

{Also reader has implied military background}

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"You didn't tell me that they were coming all the way out here! I thought we were meeting them in California!" Dream argued into his phone.

You leaned against the rented escalade, watching as he paced back at forth.

One of your partners half leaned through the passenger seat window, "Sir? We're going to be late if you don't wrap it up!"

The man in the driver seat tapped his thumbs on the wheel anxiously, "I can handle politicians, I can handle CEO's, hell I can handle regular celebrities'- but youtubers? Dude why?"

You looked back at him, "Don't complain, he's paying bigger bucks than anyone we've had in years."

"I know but-"

You shook your head, cutting him off as Dream approached the car, "I'm sorry- I just thought I wasn't getting your services until I landed in California."

You shook your head, "You've still got to get through two international airports, and your flight. We'll be going along with you throughout the duration of your trip, but that won't happen, if you don't go get your things so we can leave on time."

"Yeah-" He sighed, "I'll- get my bags."

Shaking his head, Dream hurried back inside, grabbing his things before sending Sapnap a panicked snap 'sap help the body guard is hot'

When he got no response, he sighed, pulling his things out of the house and locking up behind himself, "You know for body guards you are dressed awfully casually."

You sighed adjusting your windbreaker, as you grabbed one of his bags to put in the trunk, "We're supposed to blend in. People might think it's suspicious that you need body guards, they could... plan things."

"And three extra people traveling with me isn't?"

"Smith and McAllen aren't going to be with us, with us. Within range, sure, but not following you around. You're going to be telling people I'm just- a friend or something- your life was private enough it would blend in." You reported, closing the trunk and moving to open the other door for him.

You moved around the car, climbing into your own seat, "Let's move."

~~

The airport was fairly crowded, but you navigated through it carefully, avoiding the biggest groups of people and instructing Dream to keep his hood up.

After almost two hours of anxiety, you had finally boarded the plane, tucking your backpack under the seat in front of you.

"Where'd the other two end up?" He asked quietly.

"Smiths on the other side of the row, two up, and McAllen's behind us." You reported.

Dream nodded, and the two of you settled in for take off.

Nearly an hour in, and you could tell he was getting bored as he leaned over, "So how does one end up doing body guard stuff anyway?"

You shrugged, "My contract was ended early.... I was looking for a job, retaining all my previous work experience, and I stumbled upon this agency."

"It's strange that it's even a real job."

"It's strange that playing a video game is even a real job." You shot back, grinning.

"How do you know what type of videos I make?" He asked skeptically.

"Well I have to make sure a client is legit before taking a legal offer, right?" You chuckled.

~~ The flight was nearing at end, finally, and you went over the plans again, looking over the layout of the airport on your tablet.

"What're you doing?" Dream asked.

"You never get tired of questions do you?" You sighed.

He frowned, "Sorry..."

You sighed again, "We're supposed to plan the routes around every fucking building you go into. We have a plan, we stick to the route, we keep idiots like you safe from anti's and crazy fans."

"Crazy fans?"

"Well you only just revealed what you look like, you've never been mobbed in public," You explained, "You can never trust what a obsessed person would do. That's how John Lennon died."

"Really? You're citing the Beatles on why your looking at airport maps?"

"You literally hired me for this!"

~~ So far, vidcon had been uneventful on your part, and you found yourself back in the old routine of standing off to the side, in hallways, or generally out of the way as your client did his thing.

The same lie had been told millions of times by now, Dream's partner, that's how the internet knew you, and lies grew, but all you had to do was walk along side him, nothing more.

Your partners could normally just explain away being assistants or managers working with vidcon organizers.

"Someone on twitter started a conspiracy thread that 'dream and (y/n) are not a real couple, I found so much proof this weekend'." Sapnap laughed.

From your place at the other table you nearly choked on your sandwich as Dream began to wheeze.

"why is this getting traction!?!"

"Someone added to the end," Smith reported, looking up from his phone, "Their debating if it's real, fake, or if the person made the thread cause they were jealous."

You took a sip of your water, "I can't wait till this is over, then we'll break up and the stans will forget about me."

Dream laughed, "That's too bad, I was thinking of taking you guys on full time."

You sighed, shaking your head, pretending to be annoyed, "Oh no, being paid to fake date some cute famous guy."

"You think I'm cute?"

You rolled your eyes, ignoring him, "Hurry up, we've gotta leave in ten."

~~

You were halfway through the convention center when suddenly you began to miss all that standing around.

As usual movement through the convention center was tough, but this time the crowd seemed different, particularly as someone near the back began yelling about something.

You scanned the crowd, and the woman seemed to lock onto you, "You! Yeah you! Who the hell do you think you are?"

You glanced back at McAllen, who nodded, starting to move to the side, Dream following, ever so slightly.

"You don't get to date him! How could you stoop that low Dream?"

More yelling erupted from the crowd, and someone seemed to charge forward.

You immediately took charge, grabbing Dream's arm and pulling him along with you as Smith hurried forward to block the man.

"What the fuck is going on?" Dream asked.

"Shut up, and stay behind me." You hissed turning down a side hallway as all hell started to break loose in the convention center, a single gunshot ringing out.

"Shouldn't you be going to stop that?" Dream asked as you and McAllen hurried him down another corridor.

"Job for the police, not us." You muttered, "Exit's through here, lets go."

From behind you, there were more shouts, something about stealing Dream.

“Motherfucker, these people are insane.” McAllen muttered.

~~

Somehow, you’d managed to get Dream out of the building, double back, and also collect Smith and Sapnap on the way.

Running on pure adrenaline, you’d then helped anyone else, evacuating civilians as the police worked to talk down the shooter.

By the time you had arrived back to the hotel, finished making statements and refusing to answer a frat deal of questions from father fans, you were about to collapse.

“I thought your job was just to get me out of there.” Dream said, looking up as you entered your room.

“I did.”

“And then you went back in.”

“I help people, okay?” You snapped, “Normally this job doesn’t include being shot at because I have to fake date someone who I’m protecting.”

You sat down heavily, “just- gimme a minute to breath. You’ve made my job more complex than it needed to be.”

“With my dashing good looks?” He laughed.

You rolled your eyes, “I mean with the amount of trouble you’ve caused me we might as well be actually dating, then I might benefit more.”

He grinned, “I just might take you up on that.”

#mcyt x reader #dreamwastaken x reader #teddy06 writes #teddy06

[bts-weverse-trans]

201128 Weverse Magazine ‘BE’ Comeback Interview - Namjoon

RM: “I spend a lot of time thinking about where I am now” BTS BE comeback interview 2020.11.28

The story of BTS’ new album BE started on April 17, 2020 when group member RM announced its production on the BANGTANTV YouTube channel. In the seven months that followed until the album’s release, RM’s mind was full, his thoughts flowing in and out of his head.

How do you feel about the unique approach you took to making your new album, BE? RM: The other members were a ton of help to me. My lyrics made it on the album, but the music I composed didn’t, so I’m really thankful to the group for the music. How should I say this? I feel like everyone is doing a great job. There are so many parts in these songs that I’m indebted to them for. “Stay” was originally going to be the title song on Jung Kook’s mixtape, but everyone liked it so much, and they all agreed to put that on our album. That’s how much influence they had. I’m really happy my room idea was chosen to be the album photos. Since we’re spending a lot of time in our rooms because of COVID-19, we laid out the idea of each of us decorating a room in our own style. I can’t remember for sure (laughs) but I think I’m the one who came up with that. I made a comfortable room, one that’s modern and warm because that’s what I like.

There’s a painting in the middle, and symmetrically arranged figurines. RM: The figures are from my own collection. I wanted to show one of my paintings, but that didn’t pan out. But still, those are the things I hold most dear to me right now, so I let the room embody the things I wish I had, too.

It’s well known that you like art and frequent exhibitions, but how do you feel when you look at art in your home or another space where there are no people, like in the album art? RM: Someone said, “You don’t have to buy this painting; it’s yours so long as you’re looking at it.” That’s my favorite sound bite these days. What I most envied about painters was that, even after they died, their work would be hanging up somewhere, maybe even in another country, still defining that space. Musicians leave behind their songs and videos, too, but it’s only through fine art that viewers in the future are able to completely meet artists from the past. I’m envious that this is only possible for painters. These days I’m trying to find spaces where I can have more relaxed viewing experiences.

There’s a full experience involved, from the time you get ready to leave your house until the time you’re actually looking at artwork in the gallery. RM: That’s perfect to me. There’s art you can keep at home, and then there’s art that should always be viewed in museums.

What effect do you think that type of experience has on your music? You didn’t compose any of the songs but instead participated in writing the lyrics to all of the tracks. Did that experience affect your lyric writing in any way? RM: I think it’s helped me develop a way of thinking using all the senses. I used to be attuned to speech and focus on language and auditory textures, but now I can look at my thoughts from many different angles. That’s why I spend more time studying art now. I’m waiting for the day that it all comes to the surface, like when you paint the base on a canvas over and over so the colors pop. It’s hard to answer in one word if it has a direct influence on my work, but I think people who create music develop a way of seeing the world through their personal experience and their creative process. Painters naturally exhibit their art over a very long period of time. I think it gave me an eye for looking at the world in one long, continuous stroke. So now it’s become a little challenging for me to write lyrics these days. I’ve become more cautious.

Why is it so challenging? RM: I used to have so many ideas pouring out that it was hard to pluck one out. So I would stack them up like a Jenga tower and ponder over which one to remove. But now, it’s hard to even add a block to the stack. I’m not sure why but, when I look at these artists whose works span their entire lives, I sense that the rhythm of my creativity is slowing down more and more. That’s the source of my dilemma. I’m only 27 years old. I still need to wander around and get tripped up a little. But am I just trying to imitate what the fine artists are doing? Or maybe BTS experienced so much in the past seven years, that now it’s time for us to take a breather? I’ve got so many questions, I feel like my hair’s turning white. That’s why none of my songs are on the album. I wrote some, but they were too personal to use there. I don’t exactly like myself like this, but I have to see through to the end in this direction and find the answer.

Maybe for that reason, your rapping has shifted focus to the lyrics more so than trend or musicality. It emphasizes the feeling of the words over a particular format or beat. RM: Exactly. In—was it 2017? Pdogg was talking to Yoongi, Hobi and me about our style, and said, “Namjoon, it feels like you’re becoming a lyricist,” and it really stuck with me. I have a lot of thoughts lately when I watch Show Me the Money or listen to hip hop songs from the Billboard chart. My music started out all about my life as a rapper, so I spend a lot of time thinking about where I am now.

So you’ve started to ask yourself who you are as a musician? RM: I listened to Lee So-ra’s seventh album again today. I keep changing my mind but, if I had to pick between her sixth and seventh album, I like her seventh a little more. And then I listen to the most popular songs on Billboard, and I feel kind of thrown off. Um … There’s something Whanki Kim said that’s been running around in my head lately: After moving to New York, he embraced the style of artists like Mark Rothko and Adolf Gottlieb, but then he said, “I’m Korean, and I can’t do anything not Korean. I can’t do anything apart from this, because I am an outsider.” And I keep thinking that way, too. That’s my main concern lately.

You can feel that on BE. As the members take on more prominent roles as songwriters and producers, characteristics of old Korean music—the kind of music you likely listened to in middle and high school—gradually entered your sound. But your music isn’t from that era, and it sounds like pop, but not quite. RM: The sound has to fit with the whole album so I couldn’t incorporate that feel into BTS songs, but the songs I’m listening to most lately have been Korean. Songs like P-Type’s “Don Quixote,” Dead’P’s “Spread My Wings,” Soul Company’s album The Bangerz. The impressions the songs from back then have left on me, the lyrics from back then and the lyrics from now, they’re different. So BE is both Korean and pop; it’s very unique, in my view.

I think that’s especially true for “Life Goes On.” It’s got a pop melody, but compared to “Dynamite,” it has a very different feel. It doesn’t slip deep into the sentimental, instead allowing the melody to flow naturally. RM: Exactly. The chorus is totally pop, and one of the writers was also American. But the song doesn’t really follow American music trends, weirdly. So I don’t know how “Life Goes On” is going to be received. It’s really calm, almost contemplative. So there’s lyrics, like, “Like an echo in the forest,” and, “Like an arrow in the blue sky.” The song kind of feels like that: It could just float off and disappear. It might even come off as bland next to “Dynamite.”

If nothing else, it seems the song will stick around for a long time. Maybe kids now will listen to it later on in the future. RM: I hope so. That’s the one thing I really hope for, people in the future, thinking back and saying, “Oh, right! Remember that one song?” That’s what my favorite artists and other people who leave a lasting impression on me have in common. One thing common among the songs that have affected me a lot, like Lee So-ra’s seventh album, is that the lyrics they utter in their voice along with the overall sound stick with me. I hope when people look back, my words uttered with the sound of my voice, echoes for a long time in an auditory or visual way, or even throughout their entire lives. But that’s the dilemma: We have all these bling-bling symbols of our success, but we’re not that kind of team.

And yet, BTS’s career path is even more “bling-bling” than ever. “Dynamite” was the top song on the Billboard Hot 100. RM: I was the first one to check our position (laughs) but I didn’t want to get too excited about it. I was scared of facing disappointment so I put the brakes on out of habit, and restrained myself. But on the other hand, I feel like I should relish this moment. This is a once-in-a-lifetime thing; shouldn’t I enjoy myself a bit? But I disliked that sensation of only feeling elated so I tried to be as objective as possible. I was just one small part of everything that made this happen.

It reminds me of that part, “Running faster than that cloud of rain /  Thought that would be enough / Guess I’m only human after all,” from “Life Goes On.” RM: “Only human” sounds so appropriate for me right now. One time, I saw a dark cloud over the N Seoul Tower while I was walking along the Han River. I was with a friend and we talked about where the border between where it’s raining and where it’s not might be, and suddenly, we came up with the idea to run and find that spot. But after running for 10 minutes, the cloud was even further away than it had been. At that moment, the puzzle pieces snapped into place. You think you can go faster than that dark cloud? No. That’s what I realized then. And I just like what Whanki Kim said, that maybe I can’t do anything not Korean, because that’s what I am. I used to work late and then stay up all night when things weren’t working out, sometimes walking from Samseong to Sinsa station, thinking everything through. But now, like the saying, I realize that maybe I can’t do more than what I am.

On Weverse, you said that you gained some muscle from working out. Could the change to your body improve your creativity in the long term? RM: I started to think I better change myself a little, physically or mentally. I’m talking about being steady. I used to bombard myself with challenges and worries and just get over them, but now I think it’s time to find that one sturdy thing and plant myself there. The best choice was working out, and I think it’s changing my behavior a lot. I’m hoping that, if I keep working out for a year or two, I’ll become a different person.

Music is your job, but also your life. Like you expressed in “Dis-ease,” how would you say you feel about your work? RM: This is my job and my calling and I feel a great sense of responsibility. I think I’m lucky and happy that I can solely worry about my creative process. And I feel very responsible to those people who put their trust in me, so I try not to cross any lines, judge myself honestly, and always be professional. Those are the responsibilities that come with the job—the things I have to do and the promises I won’t betray. But if I’m going to do it, I’m going to be happy while I do it. That’s not always going to be possible, but that’s generally how I feel.

Well then, how do you feel about BTS at the moment? RM: BTS is … Well, it’s really hard to tell. (laughs) When BTS started out, I thought, “I know everything there is to know about BTS,” but now it’s, “I don’t know a single thing about BTS.” In the past, I felt like I knew everything, and that anything was possible. Call it childish or ambitious. But if I were to ask myself, “What is BTS to me?” I would say, we’re just people who met each other because we were meant to. But it feels like the stars aligned and a startup company became a unicorn, with perfect timing and lots of smart people. Looking back, there were a lot of ironies and contradictions in this industry. I thought I figured them out one by one, and then finally understood the whole thing. But now I feel like I don’t know anything at all. Anyway, to sum up: My young, reckless twenties. The events of my twenties. There were a lot of contradictions, people, fame, and conflict all tangled together, but it was my choice and I got a lot out of it, so my twenties were an intense but also happy time.

And what about you, as one individual person? RM: I’m a real Korean person. (laughs) A person who wants to do something in Korea. I think millennials are charging into society stuck between the analog and digital generations, and what I chose is BTS. So I try to integrate myself into our generation, try to understand what people like me are thinking, and try to work hard to capture that feeling without being a burden on them. This might be another kind of irony itself, but this is who I am. I’m a 27-year-old Korean. That’s what I think.

Trans © Weverse

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