#and oh fuck dont get me started on legolas and gimli

[heretostealyogirl]

Which is gayer: being gay or whatever the fuck frodo and sam have going on

#yeah so i might be watching the lord of the rings movies for the first time ever and UH- #this is the gayest shit ive ever seen LMAO #the way they look at each other is so goddamn sweet #and oh fuck dont get me started on legolas and gimli #lord of the rings #lotr #frodo #frodo baggins #samwise gamgee #frodo x sam #frodo x samwise

[writerofshit]

alfredo and jeremy doing that legolas-gimli thing where they count their kills and try to outdo each other, but on a heist (romantic or platonic idc.) meanwhile trevor is the (very done) aragorn//leader who's just like "CAN WE GO NOW CAN YOU TWO STOP FLIRTING"

Oh shit, is it time for vaguely embarrassing facts about KS again? I think it is! The fun fact this time is that I have never watched, read, or otherwise consumed media from the LOTR franchise. I think I tried once and then gave up. Couldn't tell you why. I did watch A Simple Walk with Chris and Kerry, if that counts for anything.

BUT that being said, I love what you've described, Anon. It's top tier.

I imagine like... They're pulling some set up shit to get into the base of some rival crew, but not the good kind of rival? Like there are crews that they have a love/hate relationship with, like GG and and Haus and even the Roosters on a bad day, but they have an understanding, are the first ones to come to the others' defense if need be. Those are fun rivals.

But no, the crew theyre after this time is full of fuck-off types of assholes, involved in some Actually Fucked Up Shit, hell bent on climbing the criminal ladder and shoving off anyone they feel they need to. So fuck them.

So it's Fredo, Jeremy and Trevor on this particular endeavour. Fredo and Jeremy are there (there being in the woods perched up in trees with sniper rifles, that is) as muscle, and Trevor is there (there being sneaking into the compound wherever the other two have deemed clear) to have a 'chat' with the leader.

It starts in the truck on the way. Fredo says something off hand about having to carry the team. Jeremy takes offense, says he's a way better shot than anyone gives him credit for.

"I'm not saying you're bad, but you're not as good as me."

"Bullshit! I can absolutely hold my own!"

"Against anyone else, sure."

It turns into complete childish bickering, of course, and Trevor's up front vaguely wondering if it's possible for his eyeballs to completely roll out of his head. Eventually they settle on a bet, here an now, whoever takes out the most guards wins.

"Does the loser have to buy dinner?" Trevor jokes.

"A) im not gonna lose, and B) I'm not buying you shit, Trevor." Jeremy says quickly, the implication completely sailing over his head.

Poor Trevor thinks, you know, when they get out there, they'll have to shut up, right? They'll focus on the job amd being at least somewhat stealthy, right? Surely they won't continue to throw jabs back and forth over the comms, keep a running scoreboard, right?

WRONG, because that's exactly what they do!

Trevor's sneaking around a corner and he hears a body drop, which. Some fuckin warning would be nice, you assholes. It's followed immediately by a (way too loud) laugh and "that's one more for me, in your face Fredo." A few minutes later a guard outside of the main building drops, again startling Trevor. Then there's Fredo in the earpiece "that's even, actually. Oh, and the doors clear Trevor."

Trevor regrets ever agreeing to this, but goes inside to have his 'chat'. It's not pleasant.

As he's running back to the truck, alarms blaring, Fredo and Jeremy are still bickering about who's kill the last one technically was.

"We both shot him, Jeremy."

"Yeah but I shot him first! That's my point!" It's definitely a whine.

"Can you two dipshits stop flirting for five seconds so wr can get the fuck out of here?"

Immediately they both start defending themselves.

"We're not flirting-"

"This is a competiton-"

"Yeah, Jeremy's an asshole-"

"Hey!"

And Trevor is just so tired. So done. So needing to the get the fuck out of there. "Oh my god, we literally dont have time for this. Deal with your feelings later, get in the car now!"

They get out, because above all theyre good at getting away unscathed. Despite his headache, Trevor blares music in the truck on the way home. Anything to drown out the quiet bickering in the backseat. Ah well. They'll figure it out someday.

#idk what this became but have it anyhow #perhaps when im sober this will be A Thing #i really do like the idea #fahc #ks talks #anon

[helisol]

ye s, well

it basically came to me like a prophet receiving a vision from an angry god. you know. like brian david gilberts video ideas but with more slow burn.

no really i wrote all this down in my phone’s note app because some nearly coherent things popped up in my head every time i was on the train or bus these last few days.

(after-actually-writing-this disclaimer/note: this is 2000 words of slightly edited rambling about Bagginshield in the Afterlife. i had to put it in a read more.)

so the gist of it

the botfa goes just as in the movie with minor details altered. like bilbo kissing thorin just before he dies which inadvertently causes a ripple in time and space that makes the valar curious of them both. you know. minor stuff.

so bilbo goes back to the shire, the war of the ring goes down, and the hobbit/elf gang sails to valinor at the end. classic stuff, not much alternating of universes here.

but here’s where things turn into the “my city now” meme because DUDE DO I HAVE A LOT OF THOUGHTS ABOUT VALINOR AND HOW THE AFTERLIFE WORKS

like, I’m sorry mister jolkien rolkien tolkien, but just putting people into a hall to await being judged like a hospital waiting room? snooze, that’s boring!

so first of all, and you can fight me on this, Yavanna Made The Hobbits And You Can’t Change My Mind.

it just makes sense for her to have been very saddened by the destruction of literally all her work on arda through melkor’s poison, so she made living, growing things that could protect themselves from harm. as opposed to the ents, by the way, which were made by Eru to protect all the other living, growing things. it was a nice gesture of Eru to make those, but not quite what Yavanna wanted or had in mind, i imagine.

as with the dwarves, Eru wasn’t all happy about the existence of another race he didn’t make but you know, whatever, ‘I’ll just let this married couple have their own kids aside from mine, it’s okay’.

so he hands both the dwarves and the hobbits independent thought and free will, but under the condition (and here is where the afterlife stuff comes into play) that Aule and Yavanna be responsible for their mortal creations after their death. meaning that both races have seperate afterlives from the halls of mandos, MEANING THAT ITS COMPLETELY FINE FOR AULE AND YAVANNA TO BE LIKE “oh look honey, these two are so very in love and remind me of us, shan’t we do something about that?”

so. they do something about that. more precisely, they rearrange their afterlife-realms so they’re next to each other and someone with enough willpower could cross through the barrier. because listen, they’re valar, they can do whatever they want just for kicks.

okay so after that tangent lets get back to the meat of the matter: gay dwarves. I know not everyone has read Sansukh, a 500k word mammoth of a fic, and I don’t really intend to copy any of det’s canon, but their version of The Halls of Mahal really inspired me. basically the dwarven afterlife is one big hunk of a mountain/underground city where they’re free to live their days until dagor dagorath doing what they do best in the company of their families and friends; like smithing, crafting, building and other JustDwarrowThings.

meanwhile the hobbit afterlife is Basically The Shire and instead of being given the materials to build things, all the hobbits who go there get to grow plants and do their gardening. they don’t have to- just like none of the dwarves have to craft stuff- since there’s always enough food for everyone, but they are just allowed to do what they do best if they so desire.

now when Bilbo arrived in the undying lands he was still Old As Hell and im sorry to put it this way, he definitely kicked the can after like, a week of living there. not really so undying, them lands, huh. anyway Bilbo bites the dust and LOOK AT THAT he’s suddenly young again, and another LOOK AT THAT he’s standing in a very comfy, but Not Quite Bag End hobbit hole that has a note hung up on the front door. you wouldn’t think gods could have handwriting but hey, again, they’re gods they can do whatever. the note just tells him that yavannah made this place special and just for Bilbo but that there’s another home waiting for him. very cryptic there, lady. he doesn’t leave at first because hey, his family is here. there’s a lot of reunions and celebrating and food because its the fucking hobbit afterlife, what else would you expect

it takes him a few days of Regular Hobbit Life in his new home to realise ‘holy shit, this is so boring’ so what does a Fool of a Took do when things get boring and there’s a note urging him to do something?

HE’S GOING ON AN ADVENTURE

so Bilbo runs through the whole not-shire, meeting all sorts of people he outlived on the way (looking at you, Lobelia), as well as some elves. because elves can definitely just waltz through all the afterlives. they can walk on top of snow, you think they wouldn’t walk around wherever they please in valinor? rip to mankind, but they’re different.

he gets to the furthest reaches of it eventually, and lo and behold, what awaits him but the view of a tall mountain, an invisible barrier and a very flustered Thorin who is at his wits end as to how Bilbo even got here.

now for thorin’s part of the story we’ll have to start after the botfa again. he basically woke up in the darkness like an episode of naked and afraid, and started talking to Aule. his maker, who loves him to bits by the way since he made thorin, just tells him he’s free to go wherever his heart takes him. again with the cryptic messages from the gods.

so thorin, still very self-loathing and bitter because of his actions right before his death, sees this as Mahal’s way of saying ‘please don’t step foot in my halls u disgusting litle creacher’, when really he just meant ‘please do some well deserved self reflecting and then come inside to be with your family, they all miss you terribly’.

after his chat with the maker thorin just spawns in right at the front gate of the mountain and he has a choice to make. go inside or stay outside. and we all know Thorin’s proclivity for drama so he basically spends LITERAL YEARS just living in self imposed solitary confinement.

oh also tiny hc here, thorin was said to have taken “any work offered to him in the towns of men”, and they showed him in a smithy, but personally I believe they meant it when they said “any kind of work”. so basically thorin is a jack of all trades, master of some. he definitely has master-level skills in certain areas though, enough to build a vaguely hobbit-hole shaped house. why is it hobbit hole shaped?

oh right, the part where Thorin is absolutely enamoured with Bilbo.

"Go back to your books and your armchair, plant your trees, watch them grow. If more of us valued food and cheer and song above hoarded gold, it would be a merrier world.”- HELLO? GAY POLICE? I’D LIKE TO REPORT A CASE OF ‘DWARF KING REALISING THAT THE HOBBIT WAY OF LIVING IS A REALLY GREAT ONE IN CONCEPT / WISHING HE COULD HAVE HAD THAT KIND OF LIFE WITH BILBO’

anyway it’s a long 80 years until Thorin does get to meet Bilbo again, and in the meantime we have one of my favorite additions to any Hobbit fanfic ever: Frerin

For the uninitiated, Frerin is Thorin’s brother. They also have a sister, Dís, but Tolkien never specified when she died and she was a bit younger than Thorin and Frerin so I reckon she’d still be alive as an old dwarf lady somewhere?

Anyway, Frerin. Oh boy. Sansukh, again, does an excellent job at turning Frerin into a character with a level of authenticity that gets real fucking close to Genuine Tolkien™, so most of my own characterisation of Frerin is based on that in Sansukh. With the important omission of the dwarves not being able to see the present/their still alive loved ones in middle earth through a magic mirror pool.

so Frerin takes it upon himself to leave the mountain in search of his brother because he really does want him back. but also because Mahal has had it with Thorin’s antics and suggests Frerin fetch him so he can finally reunite with his family. Mahal doesn’t talk to the dwarves a lot because he’s like an awkward and distant dad, but he does actually speak to them.

so Thorin is supposed to go see his family, which he does, but not immediately. it takes like, a solid year of just brotherly (and sister-sonly) companionship for him to open up about all his anxieties and regrets and THEN he goes into the mountain to cry in his mother’s lap. as you do.

however Thorin still feels like he doesn’t 100% belong with the other dwarves in there, so he frequently spends long stretches of time outside, building away at his house, thinking about Bilbo. the company goes out to visit him sometimes.

more details on the house tho, cuz it’s Important; it’s built halfway into a hill near the mountain, like a proper hobbit hole would be, but the lower levels are built into stone. look, he’s had 80 years to work on constructing this. it’s near perfect in every way for both hobbit and dwarf standards and could definitely fit the entire company and more inside.

now about the barrier. elves can pass through without a second thought because they’re shiny little bastards who just get to do all the cool stuff, but the other races can’t just hop between realms like that; they really have to muster up the willpower. which usually means they can’t do it because a drawback for both dwarves and hobbits is that they favor isolation from other races even in death, and as such don’t want to mingle with each other.

unless you’re Bilbo Badass Baggins though, who simply runs through the barrier to yell at Thorin for leaving him sad and alone for 80 years. he is that bitch.

there’s gonna be some legolas and gimli shenanigans if i can fit them in (cuz i dont know when exactly they sailed west together), possibly a mention of tauriel because bruh peter jackson did us dirty by not giving her any closure besides ‘lol i guess she’s banished from mirkwood??’ and Mairon. because. I also have some thoughts about him.

also Fili and Kili as pseudo matchmakers because every fic needs that

and did I mention there’s gonna be hozier lyrics for chapter titles

i said this was the gist of it but i somehow ended up at ~1900 words. well, more power to me.

#bagginshield #the hobbit #bagginshield afterlife au #this is the most coherent plot summary I've ever done for a fic so please enjoy the trash #also it's my sleepover and I get to pick which parts of canon i'll adhere by