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beneathsilverstars · 10 days

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MY ENTIRE ISAT LIVEBLOG

COPY PASTED FROM TWITTER LET'S GO!!!

oh my god i love isabeau

the correct reaction to an incredibly mediocre pun:

when i talked to odile i said i was gonna make isabeau sleep on the floor but that is NOT true

i was about to say i love all the sparkly stars aesthetic but... the game is literally named after them.... i shoulda known

omg isabeau what were you about to confess 😳👉👈

rock paper scissors is being explained to me in such painstaking depth... but the dialogue is cute, so it's ok

wtf i looped back to the town specifically in order to ask the cook about the openphrase for the one door but there's no option to ask!!

it was the shopkeeper 🤦🏼

so curious about siffrin's touch thing... it makes sense other people might be more conscious of a subconscious reaction to touch than he is, but he's so avoidant of the train of thought, i feel like it must be something a bit less.. subtle...?

damn... tryna give mirabelle the fan mail for the second time.... yikes :( so sorry mira........ is that what happened to the island to the north...? something about it got so retconned that it makes people sick to focus on the exact change?

oh.. siffrin's major memory problems.....

this game is sooo good

siffrin seems upset in the observatory.. at first i thought they were just getting tired/grouchy, but the game sure is named after stars... maybe stars had to do with their past trauma..??

i'm starting to wonder if this isn't their first set of loops and the bone-deep burden of all that (along with the practicalities of your memories constantly not matching reality) is why they forget words and shit....

went and looked at the castle again this loop bc i felt bad that sif never gets to sit down...

king asked if sif remembers REMEMBERS WHAT??? i just knowww after i terribly lose this fight im gonna have to go back through the whole game unlocking new rooms that like unlock my memories or smth

"not when i still can't say it" ofc the king is from the northern island... sif is obviously from there too, and that's why he can't remember most of his past... so that's the thing they both don't remember?

defeated him but like. there's still so many locked doors. i bet like sif is gonna go to sleep and they wake up from the nap like WHAT DO YOU MEAN I'M STILL IN THE LOOP?? WE WON?? but they didn't win correctly yet, they didn't actually solve everything that needs solved...

head handmaiden ma'am 😳

is odile's research genealogy??

i thought the reference to "colors" being an esoteric/irrelevant topic was a one-off gag about the art style, but it's plot relevant?? fuck yeah

what if odile is trying to figure out the northern island..??

OHHHHHH

BWAHHH the bonnie quest 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

first time redoing the mira quest.... siffrin!!! be brave!!!!! not only is your new idea good, even if it was bad you could just say oops oh well and switch the script back next loop!!!!!

is siffrin gonna have to learn how to be brave and normal in order to break the loop jdhshdjf (normal here meaning "not a loop-brained convomaxxer")

i hope siffrin can just ask the baker's daughter directly for the book this time hdhdjfj i don't really think the whole goose chase is necessary for the emotional convo.....

oh thank god

ugh i can't wait till sif tells his friends about the loop. is that gonna be sif's quest

HANG OUT QUEST!! YES!!!

hm.. is loop the deity of the northern island..? if stars and astronomy are like their whole thing....

INTERRUPTED AGAIN!!!!!!! AGHHGH!!!!! i know isa can't actually confess till the very end bc it would suck having to go through more loops knowing he likes you but he hasn't actually told you / if you go through a loop post-confession surely that would change quite a bit of dialogue

but AHHHHHH!!!!

oh my god siffrin is going beast mode on the tutorial sadness?? i had to choose "attack" bc it seemed the most different and thus interesting but also omg... there goes the warm friendship glow 😭😭

but ofc that glow would die a horrible sudden death anyway the moment siffrin is confronted with the fact that he is back on that damn loop grind :(

poor thing 😭😭😭😭😭😭

INSTANT REPLAY??????????

the loop power is getting stronger.. u~u;;

I KNEW IT WOULD EVENTUALLY GET WEIRD THAT SIF'S SUCH A HIGH LEVEL... just a couple loops ago i was like damn when is everyone else gonna notice that sif has like multiple crafts that they didn't yesterday

also i noticed a loop or so ago that their battle portrait is frowning and.. i don't think it always was.....?

oh my god the memory of sadness is kinda fucked up but. so useful jdhshfj im tired of avoiding them in the hallway,,

ok but also how do my teammates not notice that they have new equipment, and sometimes a new craft..... in the case of like a hair bow that's easy to gloss over but how does isabeau not go "wtf i'm dealing paper damage?" ??

the problem w telling your friends you're in a time loop is it must be such a fucking relief. and then you loop again

aw, sif.. tell them about the universe...

lol how funny would it be if i died to the rock this time

oops... i'm doing a big check-everything run, but i absolutely didn't do all the village stuff bc i was too excited to help isa... oh well,

i did idly connect that the "weird sadnesses" smell like sugar same as the king's time magic which makes, but i finally just actually thought about it and realized they're also star shaped....

siffrin having this time loop power... is it anything at all like mirabelle's time-resistance power, blessed upon her by the high priestess? did siffrin escape from their fucked up time island, sent out with the power to eventually save it?

odile is sooo close to figuring it out... she just said "verRrRy interesting"

BWAHH new post-level-2 convos!! so cute!!!!! love bonnie's new siffrin-patting routine..... and odile has it SO figured out, when is she gonna say something!!!

siffrin was afraid that he smells like timecraft? bc of looping or bc of repressed reasons.... probably bc of looping,

time for siffy's daily bathroom stall breakdown!!

they even went in happy this time and still managed to psych themself all the way out hdgshsjf

GHOST SIF??? GHOST SIF ON THE WAY TO THE KEYKNIFE??????

BWAHHH ODILE RUFFLING SIF'S HAIR!!! I WAS WAITING AND WAITING FOR MORE PEOPLE TO PICK UP ON IT BEING OK TO TOUCH THEM!!!

"in this moment, you are loved" god it is going to be so hard waking up next loop 😭

HAIR BRUSHING!!! THIS IS SO PEAK

i'm worried that the king's "isn't this the best moment of your lives" rhetoric is going to slowly gain appeal as sif goes through more and more loops... like. they crafted the perfect loop with their found family. they *can't* change it any more, make it any better. ...

EHAT DO U MEAN "NVM" ISA!!!!!! oh my god i can't believe you won't confess until siffrin is like more emotionally centered and open and ready to handle that kind of thing... why r u sooo considerate -_- ur killin them isa

oh my god why is it even worse why is the end of the loop even worse this time oh my GOD sif is gonna be inconsolable I'M inconsolable not isabeau reaching out im sobbing on da couch

ngl i kinda hope this time siffrin is just defeated and doesn't banter about shit and everyone is worried as fuck. sorry sif i just think it would be interesting. that flash of him slaughtering the tutorial sadness was so sick. esp the unique auto-rewind. more of that shit

they did the first convo w mira fine.. nvm i guess.... if that never happens that's gonna be my first fanfiction

another ghost siffrin... after i looped to unlocked floor one to look for articles....... :o

not beau saying "normally i'd be worried about this, but sif doesn't seem worried at all!" when i'm about to touch the tear specifically in order to die...

did the king used to hang out in the observatory... did he write that word (the country's name?) on the papers, and wear out the spot on the globe....... he did find a new home here in vougarde such that he's decided that he can't lose this one too, at all, ever...

i got to loop 30 and i was surprised bc i figured i was at like 25 tops. and now im at 37? i don't think it's been 7 loops since then...???

i've started dreaming about the tick of a clock.. i'm kinda worried i've started wracking up too many loops... i did just zip back and forth across the house a half dozen times checking various items and dead ends....

AHH AUTO REWIND FROM KING ASKING WHERE SIF IS FROM???? followed by "you do not answer" which. implies that wasn't the case before the rewind.?? maybe more like "you do not think about it" l o l oh sif 😭😭😭

i was about to complain that it won't let me zone out of the dying-and-bonnie-running scene but um. different this time. thank you for not letting me zone out,

YEAH IT'S LOOP 40 NOW!! this is right after loop 37 (with a small auto-rewind between)

😭😭😭😭😭😭 isabeau pleeeeease:

hanging out with loop and - we saw the kings first attack?? but how would the rest of the party even get that far without sif?? they'd die to the first rock trap????

oh good sif noticed too. "who was the king attacking".... did a siffrin remnant help the party, has he looped so many times that he can be in multiple places at once???

was the king kmsing??? who tf would he be attackinggg

does the loop end when siffrin loses hope?? but no, then the very first time they defeat the boss they wouldn't have looped... but no, if the handmaiden is just talking shit unrelated to the looping then that coulda still made sif think the loop was fucked, which fucked the loop?

it's kinda heavy how many times you have to k your s in this game... esp when you don't actually have to but it's, like, more convenient than 5-30 extra minutes of running around

siffrin tripping so they don't seem so creepily overpowered is SO sad 😭

fsr it's sadder than going through the motions of a conversation, or tripping bc you tripped last time... it's a whole new lie to offset a whole new problem...

oh yeah my other loop theory was that it ends when siffrin gets too reminded of the northern island..? the memory of the future or whatever the fuck from the big attack idk

siffrin rewinded after his friends saw the ghost.... kinda matches my "when he loses hope" theory. when he feels alone? when he's utterly lost with no clue what to do next..? (lol sif restarting every loop just bc he doesn't have plans for what to do after winning)

NOOO I WAS SO EXCITED TO NOT HAVE TO GO GET THE KNIFEKEY EVERY TIME BUT I DO HAVE TO... BOOOOO...... where's the consistency, loop!!!

i can use a memory to equip it for the boss fight but idc as much about that.... i just wanted to be able to check out the dead end rooms more often instead of having to use the crest to get the knifekey every time....

memory of ghosts, no effect??

oh, the vision of the future happens on the first attack always.. not when the king kills you always...

having the knifekey for the fight kinda isn't worth it.. siffrin only has one measly paper attack anyway, so i usually have them on potions and items duty.... gotta keep mira brothed up so she can cast the super duper shield every single turn

"it's fine. she isn't real to you right now either" god siffrin is gonna be so fucked up when they get out. siffrin is gonna have "everyone else is an NPC" brain

finished doing all four quests together for the second time, and sif's commentary at the end is reeally hitting my "eventually sif will understand the king's pov of wanting to freeze one perfect moment forever instead of going forward to inevitably worse shit" theory :(

"you've noticed you're starting to forget whole loops" AHA...... i'm so curious tho what was sif doing in those skipped loops. ig presumably it'd be whatever they did in the next loop that they actually remember? sticking to the plan several times in a row till it sticks,

does loop remember the skipped loops??

hm. whenever the loop ends early Not due to death (the little auto-reverses) maybe sif just.. forgot everything after that moment? till the normal king attack moment ....? or whatever death they find?

i wonder if the headache of not being able to say/read/think about the northern island is caused by many tiny loops, sending you back to the moment before you said/read/thought it, happening however many times it takes for the rapid time travel to make you so sick you just don't

i teach kid's music classes, and sometimes i'll practice one or two dozen verse variations, then i get to actual class and when i actually do that song i can't remember which variations i've already done? and it gets worse with each class i teach from that lesson plan. so dw siffrin i get it,

ok but wtf is up with the head handmaiden. what's she got to do with this. she's obviously more involved than she seems, she knows Something about the end. and imo it's sus that she was able to bless mirabelle to be impervious to the curse, how's she able to do that.

assuming that the king used to live in the house (spending lots of time in the observatory), euphrasie would've gotten to know him... perhaps seen the beginnings of him getting fucked up powerful...? thought she could handle it on her own but she couldn't?

are the mini auto-loops a meta "reload from last save"? i think it's the same quick rewind sound as actually reloading... i don't do it super often bc why not just loop back and keep my silly little mistake in, but i've done it 2 or maybe 3 times....

this game does such a good job starting in medias res. level 45!! i'm past 70 now. i feel like there's a definite chance i'll hit 90 which means siffrin will have done as much fighting in these loops as they did with their friends through months of travel and adventure.

choosing all the emo answers to the loop convo about how using your dagger would be faster than finding a tear to kill you. sorry frin not my fault you are depressed as fuck

LOOP GOT POSSESSED IN ORDER TO ALLOW ME TO K MY S MANUALLY??????? ??????? damn i had something actually important to talk about this loop too

I HATE PICKING CONVERSATION CHOICES WITH LOOOOOP I WANT TO SEE THE OUTCOME OF BOTH OPTIONS IM SO SPOILED!!!!

AHHHH FRIN FIGURED OUT THAT IT's THEIR COJNTRY! THEY TALKED ABt JT! THEY TRIED TO SAY IT!! BWAHHHHHHHH that was so fucking sadddd oh my godddddddd sif's poor clueless friends trying to stop whatever the fuck was happenin 😭😭

is the king's 9999 attack just saying the country's name, lol

wish craft . . .

oh my god oh my god he's gonna torture my friends to death in front of me oh my god holy shit oh my god oh no oh no oh no oh no

say the name siffrin!!! think the name!!!!!!! it'll fuck you up bad enough that you loop!

oh... sif is repeating their wish over and over..... like when they carve

well. finally a loop where sif wakes up freaking out so bad that their script with mirabelle gets way way off track. lol. just like i wanted. haha. shit

I CAN READ THE ISLAND BOOKS NOW???????? damn worth it fr sorry bonbon

i forget if i mentioned that i was thinking about how siffrin doesn't rly have much to look forward to, like his friends are about to disband...?

i was chatting w ari about it lol when she helped me defeat the king earlier, she was very concerned about how sif didn't have a home to return to, all his friends were talking about going back to their homes but where would sif go, isn't that sad

speaking of ari. very four year old raised by lesbians quote: "i like isabeau's name but i don't like his gender..."

siffrin dont get emo about how they don't hug you that first evening you literally already know why, they think you don't like it

damn. forgot about the rock

i had been thinking that the way the island was erased must be similar to the way the loops work, but couldn't fathom how time manip could erase a whole island. the magic being more general makes more sense. did someone wish away color as well....

i love magic systems where belief in a thing makes it more real but jeez this is scary

i was pretty on track with guessing that non-death loops happen when siffrin loses hope. it's whenever he goes oh fuck oh god i wish that hadn't happened

gotta say. i'm getting soo sick of running around unlocking doors so that i can go down a tear dead end for the nth time. plssss let me loop to "some doors unlocked; tear crest not used" 😭

i'm also starting to get low on loop-forward sparkles...

oh wow. siffrin had a really bad dream this tear-touch loop-back. i really can't ever use the dagger he would get plagued by the horrors. not that he isn't already, but,

i love to draw characters with horrifiedly blank expressions and very very tired eyes i can't wait to draw siffrin. lol

this game was made in a lab for me

every time i accidentally get into a fight with a sadness i'm like "siffrin is so fucked up at this point he should be able to just glare at them and scare them the fuck off" and then i remember that i literally currently have that mode equipped, me and the sadness just dodged in the same direction

can i at least get a memory that lets me one-hit KO the sadness crests- wait holy shit i just opened my craft menu and i literally have a new scissor craft called (just attack) when tf did i get that

.... was siffron's island erased specifically because they got gud at wish craft, and that's a power that the world shouldn't be able to harness...?

OH FUCK THE "remembering the name" STAR WAS SO SYMBOLICALLY STRIKING THAT I DIDN'T RVEN REALIZE THAT IT WAS ACTUAL COLOR...

nooo.. no one even reacted to being poked in the gardening room squeeze? right when sif needs it the most? let's make this set of the loops the worst set ever 🤗

what the Fuck is up with croissants though

i can't believe loop got siffrin to admit to themself that beau was planning to confess and siffrin is just using it to beat themself up. "poor isabeau, he probably can't help having a crush on shitty ol me".

i wish i could give siff a good loop but doing the missions makes them sad now 😭

wow. earlier i was like "what if the king is actually siffrin, weird-magic-shenanigans style". bc sif does have some similar thought patterns. but i was like no that's silly. but now this sad diary is talking abt making another self to talk to????

i also wondered if loop is some kinda shade of siffy??

i am writing this tweet while i let siffrin look through the big window in the observatory for a while. as a treat :(

OH THANK GOD.. ISABEAU IS TELLING SIF A NEW JOKE...: that's a much better treat 😭😭😭😭

oh no nvm their second thought was "i'll need to remember to laugh next time"

why don't siff's friends react anymore when he pokes them in the gardening room. it doesn't make sense.....

finally.. my "sif is quiet and moody and everyone notices" loop.......

sif has been super hungry in the commentary lately... more than normal i think... all those wish loops taking a lot of fuel?

have ppl not been reacting to sif's pokes bc they don't want to bother him when he's already obviously having a rough day...

i liked when they sat on the floor after bumping into the table. so real

finally got that death talk with bonnie.... i wonder when i'll get talk #2 with the other characters... odile has been quite sus of me for ages when's she gonna come out with ittt

ISABEAU PUSHING SIFFRIN AWAY.... probably bc siffrin was being very... sudden and depressed and desperate about it...?

did the daydreaming one's sister move to the northern island or something...

THE LIST IN EUPHRASIE's OFFICE!! it's who wished to save vougarde, and who wished for something else!!

bwuh. thinking about the strength behind the wish "i wish i hadn't fucking done that" when you reach out to someone and they push you away

loop confirmed/unified my theories about why siffrin loops back without death sometimes heheh... the specific wording of "something that feels like the world is ending" or whatever also seems in line with my theory that siffrin is scared of leaving their friends tomorrow

they've got croissant trauma. they've got banana trauma. a cheap continental breakfast is siffrin's worst nightmare

poetic that euphrasie finally heard and replied to me on loop 99. waking up on the big double O more hopeless than ever! ☺️

gotta say it so funny that siffrin is forcing themself to try to get everyone's skills in order to beat the king faster when i beat him easily in probably less than half a dozen rounds last time. forgot to even equip the keyknife! these half-assed quests are taking longer than that...

fucked up house??????

i keep accidentally walking right back out of the door i walked into, lol. this is fun though!

also. ghost ✨???

oh.. the ghost ✨ figure i saw was siffrin, with a black hat..?

maybe.. this is the universe's way of granting both wishes...... vougarde is saved, but stuck in time forever. looping the same day of salvation.

i had wondered what would happen if (once?) siffrin totally lost hope, sure that there was no chance of ever, ever getting out. bc when they lose hope they restart. so they'd just. restart immediately. constant loop. with no chance to do anything to regain that hope.

ghost sif time :3c

mal du pays means homesickness...

SIFFRIN TRIPPED AND IZA CAUGHT HIM.. they're touching !

i've been playing at work but i have to stop and actually do some work now.... ty for taking good naps today baby :')

i can't believe mirabelle and siffrin are canonically moirails now

BUT... BUT WHY DOES SIFFRIN HATE CROISSANTS???

also i saw something on a map i was using about a starry hat?? i never got a new hat...

i also never managed to find the book with the tree on the cover again, now that i could read it...

i'm gonna have to find a full 100%ed playthrough to watch on youtube 🫡

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reading through ISAT socmed... the first time i saw one of the in-world swears in the game i was like "lol stormlight archive vibes" so it's very funny that one of the first posts i see is "my world building advice is to learn from brandon sanderson" i was sooo right. so true

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makes no sense to me that mirabelle asked siffrin to not spoil her on their convo topics... not spoil on where the convos *went* sure, but how does she not want to know the basic facts that siffrin now knows about her 😭 so wild

if one of my friends was in a time loop i would be like. please sit down and summarize everything we ever talked about so i can be caught up. but thats just me

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found some youtube video compilations of missable dialogue/events we are so back

AGHH why does this person not show the full cutscenes 😭😭😭 pls i don't want to have to do a whole ass entire top to bottom loop w like 20 object interactions...... maybe i'll just do it at work tomorrow while the baby naps 😩

at least it was pretty easy getting the initial croissant scene ☺️ but i am NOT redoing the entire last two acts to get the related final loop scene or whatever it is -_-

yayy that one's big enough that i found a video of it ☺️ i do wish i'd been able to do it in game myself instead, but. not redoing half the blinding game rn

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i Am doing a full loop to get the odile thing though... and in doing so i realized apparently i didn't go through the friend quests manually enough times, sif just had a bit of a mental breakdown abt odile's. which does lead up to the last-loop breakdown better!

NOOO I WAS 3/4 OF THE WAY THRU THIS LOOP TO GET A CERTAIN SCENE AND i was on autopilot and meant to use a crest on the tears but i didn't have the crest yet so selecting "yes" meant touching them and dying fuck meee

i hadn't saved at each floor bc i didn't want to touch my save files w this new offshoot canon...

i'm not actually quite sure what info gets carried over from the previous loop when you loop back to the same floor instead of the beginning or forwards? i'm just gonna try and do floor 3 again and see if it works....

either relooping level 3 messed it up or i wasn't able to get enough suspicion points bc the plantain chips didn't make me sick. gonna go slip on the banana five times and try again

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... i just used the dagger for the second time and now i'm stuck on a plain black screen and i legitimately can't tell if the game is broken or if the game is making me sit and wait for sif to bleed out

ok it's definitely a bug. wow this is so poignant it really does feel like i fucked around and found out

this is so funny i can open my pockets but i can't use the dagger or call loop.

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I DID IT I GOT THE SCENE!! it was good i'm glad i saw it. wish i hadn't fucked up and had to do it all twice but i DID IT

#in stars and time #in stars and time liveblog

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forgottenarthur · 3 months

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OOC | Arthur & Marian

MOOOOOOMMMM!!! eeeee! so happy to have her here heehee ok so!! arthur and marian! as we both already know all too well arthur's got some issues but one thing he's really got down pat is that he loves his family v much and would do literally anything for them!!!! and marian is the stars in the sky as far as he's concerned!!! she deserves the whole world and he hates watching her miss out and honestly just wants to fix it for her!!!!! she just has to say 'i want--' and he's already out there tryna make it happen!!!

ok so im abt to crash so imma copy & paste some stuff from a [ comment i did recently to ciara ] bc i ended up talking a lot abt my hc's re: arthur and marian and, obv, this was all before you were talking abt taking her so obv this is all 100% just hc's and id be delighted to change any and everything around now that you're here, but i figured it might be a good jumping off point!! ok so:

DIATRIBE TIME: arthur def sees himself as the head of the ~marian branch~ of the varmont household if you will – the mini household within roderick’s household in a way…idk how to describe it hahah but he’s the eldest son in a profoundly patriarchal/primogeniture setting, and so they’re ~all his responsibility to look after, including his mother in a way since she’s a woman!!!

honestly idk if arthur can really even articulate how grateful he is to ciara for ~being there honestly!!! i think marian probs tries but ultimately its different like they’re both responsible for e/o and she’s not a varmont by birth and, even growing up as bart’s kid rather than roderick’s, ciara at least knows the burden of #growingupvarmont arthur, offhandedly: wow, i bet its nice to be bart’s kid me: *winks*

[re: the revelation of arthur's potential true parentage:]

and also itd def reshape his views of his own mother, who he’s always i think been super protective of, and always felt kinda brokenhearted for bc he felt it i was sooooo obv that she loves roderick sooo much and frankly waY more than roderick loves her, but then it turns out she was sleeping around w someone else??!!??! (nm that roderick was too alkjsdfakljsdf) and even the rationale would feel sordid and materialistic to him, like just an excuse or at worst, a grasping powerhunger grab for the throne etc so yeah!! his notions of both his ~biological parents will be shattered akjadsfkljdsfsd just a generally fun time for everyone honestly!!

so yeah like i said these were musings from before and are totally flexible and all of them represent only arthur's ~impressions which may or may not be correct at all anyway (we already know his impressions re: his dad DEF aren't right hahahaha) so yeah obv lots of stuff we can do but these were some notions i already had locked and loaded so, since im abt to crash (hopefully anyway! i have an early morn tmrw hahaha), i thought id share 'em! <3

#ooc #marian varmont

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trenchcoatsbi · 1 year

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i am notthe0wing away my shot i am not theowing away my shot heyo im jsut like my coumtry im yougn scrappy and hung and i ma mot theoign away my shot IMMA GET A SCHOAR SHIP TO KINGS COLLEGE I PROBLY SHOULDNT BRAG BUT DANG I AMAZE AND ASTONISH SEE THE PROMISE IS I GOT A LOTTA BRAINS BUT NO POLISH I GOTTA HOLLER (HOLA, BACK GURL) UUST TO BE HEARD WITH EVEYR WORD I DROP KNOWLEDGE IM A DIAMOND IN THE ROUGH A SHINY PIECE OF COAL TRYNA REACH MY GOAL MY UHHHH I FORGET POWER OF SPEEHC UNIMPEACHABLE ONLY 19 BUT MY MIND IS OLDER, THESE NY CITY STREETS GET COLDS, I SHOULDA EVRY BURDEN EV DISAVCDTANTEGE I HAVE LEARNED TO MANAGE I DONT HAVE A GUN TO BRANISH I WALK THESE STREETS, FAMISHED!!!! THE PLAN IS TO FAN THIS SPARK INTO A FLAME. BUT DAMN ITS GETITNF DARK SO LEMME SPELL OUT THE NAME I AM THE a ‼️ 🇱🇪🇽🇦🇳🇩🇪🇷 WHAT THE FUCK I TRIED TO COYP AND PASTE WHAT FROM DISCORD SO IT WOULD BE FUNNT NAD GO LIKE :rgional text indicator: WHAT IS THIS

e r we AERE MEANT TO BE. a colony that runs Indepepdnelty meanwhile BIRTISN KEEPS shit9tngo n us NEDOELSOY!!!! essentially they tax us relentlessly, then king gogy funs around n runs a spending spree, he aint ever gonna SET his descendants free so there will be a reovlution in this century.

(ENTER ME)

hw says in psr4nthesis

dont be shoced when your history book mentions me. i will lay sown my life ifmit sets us free and eventually you will see my ASCENDANCY!!! and i am not th8rouwinb away my shot (my shot) i am not throwing away my shot (my shot) eyo im iusy like my country I’m younb scappy and yhunhry and i a mot goigmt awh my shro i am not throwing away my shit

i am not looking away myshot heyo i mu

like my country im young cscrappy and hunrgy, and i am not throwing away my shot, its time to take a SHOT!!!! * dream of france without a monarchy!!!! the unrest in france will lead go anarchy, anarhcy, how u say how u say OH AMARHCY!!!!!!! thwhen i fight i make the other side PANICKY w ky SHOT

eyo im a tailors apprentice and i got yalls knuckleheads im local pareNTIS, IM JOINING THE REBELLION CAUSE I KMOW ITS KY CHANCE TO SOCIALLY ADVANCE. INSTEAD OF SEWINH SOME PANTS/ ITS TIME TO RAK E A *SHOT*

and but we’LL NEVER BE TRULY FREE UNTILT HOSE I BONDAGE HAVE RHE SAME RIGHTS AS YOU AND EM !!!!! YOU AND I DO OR DIE, WAIT TIL I SALLY IN ON A STALKION IN THE FIRST BLACK BATAL,ION >:DDD ITS TIME TO TAKE A SHOT

geniuses lower your VOICES. 🤬 you keep outta trouble, and you double your choice.s . im with you but 5he situation is fraught you oughta be cardully taught, if you ralk youre gknna get HSHOT

BUT BURR CHECK WHAT WE GOT, ME LAFAYETTE HARD ROCK LIKE LANDELOR, I THINK YOUR PANTS LOOK *HOT* LAURENS I LIKE YOU A *LOT,* LETS HATCH A PLOT BLACKER THAN THE KETTLE CALLING THE PO T, WHAT ARE THE ODDS THAT 5HE GODS WOULD UR US ALL IN ONE SPOR POPP9NG A SQUR ON CONVERNIONAL WISDOM MR LIKE IT OR NOT

a bunch OF REVOLUTIONARY MANU,IMSSION ABOLITIONISTS????

GIMME A POSITION SHOW ME WHERE THE AMUNITION IS/

oh am i talkig too loud 🫢 sometimes i get overwxcited shoot off at the mouth (ME TOO), i never had a broup of friends before i promise that ill make yall proud!

lets GET TJIS GUY what is this font

hLETS GET THIE HY IN FRONT OF A CROWD, I A, HMOT THROWING AWAY KY SHOT I AM NOT THEOWING AWAY MY SHOT, HEYO IM JUST LIKE MU COUNTRY IM YOUNG SCRAPPY AND HUNRGY AND I A, NOT THEOWING AWAY MY SHOR. (x2)

everybody SING WOAAHHH WOAH WOAHHHH, WOAAH OH, WOAH OH, OET EM HEAR U YA LETS GO, WOA WOA WOAAAA I SAID SHOUT IT TO THE ROOF TOPS WOAAA OAA OAAA SAID TO THE ROF TOPS WOA WOA WOAAA D,OM YEAH LETS BO RISee up when youre lifing on your knees you rise UP, tell your brother that (can i just say i love this bit and how its sung) that hes gotga rise up, tell your sister that shes gotta RISE UP . when r these gonanlies goann rise up, WHEN ARE THESE COLONIES GONNA RISE UP, WHEN ARE THESE COLONIES GONNA RISE UP, RISE UP

i imagine death so kuch it reels morelike a memory, when sit gonna get me, in my sleep, 7 feet ahead of me (LUCKY NUMHER) if i see it coming do I rum or do i let it be???! is it like a beat withojt a melody :( SEE I NEVER THOUGHT ID MAKE IT PAST 20, WHERE I DOME FROM SOME GET HALLF AS MANY. ask angbody oh fuck the font is big

ask anybody why we liiving fast and we reach fr a dlask, we have to make this moment last thats plenty. SCEATCH THAT. this is not a movement, its *the* movement where all the hungriest brothers wif something to profe went. those opposu us we make am honest stand, we roll like moses cliaminf his promised land, AnD??? IF WE WING OUR INDEPENDNC?!?!?! if thata agairantee of freedom for our dcendan7ts pr will the blood we she dbefin an endless cycle of dth and rveenge with no defendants D:

god my room is hot. I KNOW THE AFTIOJ IN THE STREETS IS EXCITING BUT JESUS BETWEEN SOL THE BLEEDING & FIGHTING IVE BEEN READING AND WRITING. WE’VE GOT TO HANDLE OUR FINANCIAL DITUATION. ARE WE A NATION OF STATES, WHATS THE STATE OF OUR NATIOM? KM PAST PATIENTLY WAITING IM PASSIONATELY SMASHING EVERY EXPRECTATION, EVERY ACT IS AN ACT OF CREATION!!!!! FUCKING HELL LIN MANUEL MIRANDA

im LAUGHG IN THE FACE OF CASUALTY AND SORROW AND FOR THE FIRST TIME IM THINKING PAST TOMORRO ‼️‼️‼️‼️ AND I AM not theowing aaway my shot, i a, not away my shot, AYAIOIOO IM JUST LIKE MY COUNTRY IM YOUG SCRAPPYH AD HUNGRY AND IM NOT NTEOWING AWAY MY HWOT

and the rest is looped

AND I AM NOT THROWING AWAY MY, NOT THEOWING AWAY MY SHOR

#hamiltom #hamilton #shotpost #shutir #shitpost #my hands hurt #sorry i mjsut a little imsane #dont mind this #tom posts #i am a tad fandom trash and that7s okay

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humanitittysswaggiest · 4 years

Text

I am not throwin away my shot

Heyo I’m just like my country I’m young scrappy and hungry and I’m not throwin away my shot

Imma get a scholarship to Kings college

I probably shouldn’t brag but dag I amaze and astonish

The problem is I got a lotta brains but no polish

I gotta holler just to be heard with every word, I drop knowledge

I’m a diamond in the rough, a shiny piece of coal tryna reach my goal my power of speech unimpeachable only 19 but my mind is older these New York city streets get colder I shoulder every burden every disadvantage I’ve learned to manage I don’t have a gun to brandish I walk these streets famished the plan is to fan this spark into a flame but dam it’s gettin dark so lemme spell out the name

I am the

(big) A L E X A N D E R we are meant to be

A colony that runs independently meanwhile Britain keeps shittin on us endlessley essentially they tax us relentlessly then King George turns around runs a spending spree he aint ever gonna set his descendants free so there will be a revolution in this century enter me (a/n(t/n?) bit weird Ham but whatever floats ur boat I'm not one to judge)

He says in paranthses

Dont be shocked when your history book mentions me I will lay down my life if it sets us free eventually you’ll see my ascendeancy

And I’m not throwin away my shot I’m not throwin away my shot heyo I’m just like my country I’m young scrappy and hungry and I’m not throwin away my shot

I am not throwin away my shot I am not throwin away my shot heyo I’m just like my country i’m young scrappy and hungry and I am not throwin away my shot its time to take a shot

I dream of a life without the monarchy the unrest in france will lead to onarchy, onarchy? how you say? anarchy when I fight I make the other side panicky with my

Shot

Yo I’m a tailors apprentice and I got yall knuckleheads in loco parentis I’m joinin the rebellion coz I know it’s my chance to socially advance instead of sewing some pants im gonna take a

Shot

But we’ll never be truly free until those in bondage have the same rights as you and me you and I do or die wait till I sally in on a stallion with the first black battalion have another

Shot

Geniuses lower your voices you keep out of trouble you double your choices I’m with you but the situation is fraught you've got to be carefully taught if you talk, you're gonna get shot!

Burr, check what we got mister Lafayette, hard rock like Lancelot I think your pants look hot Laurens, I like you a lot let's hatch a plot blacker than the kettle callin' the pot what are the odds the gods would put us all in one spot poppin' a squat on conventional wisdom, like it or not a bunch of revolutionary manumission abolitionists? give me a position, show me where the ammunition is!

Oh, am I talkin' too loud?

Sometimes I get over excited, shoot off at the mouth I never had a group of friends before I promise that I'll make y'all proud

Let's get this guy in front of a crowd

I am not throwing away my shot I am not throwing away my shot heyo, I'm just like my country I'm young, scrappy and hungry And I'm not throwing away my shot

I am not throwing away my shot I am not throwing away my shot Hey yo, I'm just like my country I'm young, scrappy and hungry And I'm not throwing away my shot

Ev'rybody sing whoa, whoa, whoa

Hey!

Whoa whoa! (Whoa)

Said let 'em hear ya!

Let's go!

Whoa whoa whoa!

I said shout it to the rooftops!

Whoa!

Said, to the rooftops!

Whoa!

Come on!

Yeah

Come on, let's go!

Rise up!

When you're living on your knees, you rise up tell your brother that he's gotta rise up tell your sister that she's gotta rise up

when are these colonies gonna rise up when are these colonies gonna rise up when are these colonies gonna rise up when are these colonies gonna rise up rise up rise up!

I imagine death so much it feels more like a memory when's it gonna get me in my sleep seven feet ahead of me if I see it comin', do I run or do I let it be is it like a beat without a melody see, I never thought I'd live past twenty where I come from some get half as many ask anybody why we livin' fast and we laugh, reach for a flask we have to make this moment last, that's plenty scratch that this is not a moment, it's the movement where all the hungriest brothers with something to prove went foes oppose us, we take an honest stand we roll like Moses, claimin' our promised land and if we win our independence is that a guarantee of freedom for our descendants or will the blood we shed begin an endless cycle of vengeance and death with no defendants i know the action in the street is excitin' but Jesus, between all the bleedin' 'n fightin' I've been readin' 'n writin' we need to handle our financial situation are we a nation of states what’s the state of our nation? (t/n bit hardcore bit deep there Hamilton)

I'm past patiently waitin' I'm passionately smashin' every expectation every action's an act of creation i'm laughin' in the face of casualties and sorrow for the first time, I'm thinkin' past tomorrow

And I am not throwing away my shot I am not throwing away my shot heyo, I'm just like my country I'm young, scrappy and hungry and I'm not throwing away my shot

We’re gonna rise up time to take a shot

We're gonna rise up time to take a shot

We're gonna rise up rise up

Time to take a shot! (Rise up)

Take a shot! Ri— ri— ri—

Shot!

A-yo it's

Time to take a shot! (Time to take a shot!)

And I am— (And I am)

Not throwin' away my—

Not throwin' away my shot!

#you know how freaking long this took me??#i just copied the last part #beesus fuckin christ #what is wrong with u Lin #you already write like ur running out of time why tf dya have to talk that fast??#fml whyd i do this #*cries*#this isnt even the longest song?!?!?!#uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuh #procrastination helps too /s #and perfectionism /s #fucking goddammit

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turtle-steverogers · 5 years

Text

Departed- Chap 9

here’s chap 9 it’s a doozy. read here on ao3

Warnings: mentions of emotional, sexual, and physical abuse. be. careful.

Editing: minimal oop

Race and Spot laid tangled together on their bed. It was two days after Race’s birthday, and subsequently, the kiss they had shared on the ship. They had yet to discuss what exactly was happening between them, but they had silently agreed to allow some time to simply enjoy each other’s intimacy. Cuddling at night and around the house took on a whole new energy, and even now, as Race shifted around in his place in between Spot’s legs, his back pressed against Spot’s chest as they scrolled through their phones in comfortable silence, occasional kisses were being exchanged. The peace was broken when Race clicked off his phone and chucked it sluggishly onto the floor. Spot flicked his eyes away from his email app, where he had been checking his work schedule, and peered down at Race, who was twisting his fingers. Spot could practically feel anxious energy emanating off of the taller man in waves, and he casually moved the arm that had been draped across his middle off of him to allow him space.

“What’s up?” He asked carefully, also clicking off his phone and placing it on his bedside table.

He could see Race scrunching his nose periodically, a clear sign that he was in deep thought. He felt him take a deep breath, “I, uh, I wanna talk to ya about….I think I’m ready,” He said in a small voice.

Spot furrowed his brows, “Talk about…” he hesitated, “The other night?”

Race shook his head, then shrugged, “Yeah, I mean, I guess that ties into it, but that’s not what I meant.”

“What did you mean?”

“Melissa,” Spot felt his breath catch in his throat, “I’m ready ta talk about what happened.”

Spot nodded, “Share however much or little ya need,” he pressed an encouraging kiss to the top of Race’s head, “And stop if ya need to,” he added. Race didn’t say anything for another minute or so and Spot waited patiently.

“At first, she was perfect. Beautiful, smart, interested in the same things as me. I felt like I could be myself around her. We were a power duo, ya know,” he paused, swallowing, “I guess the first red flags were pretty minor things. Well, I don’t wanna say minor, but they hid themselves. I didn’t realize what she was doin’ was unhealthy ‘til it was too late.”

Spot hummed, listening closely, but not saying anything. Race continued, “She’d, uh, like get mad at me, right? And usually it was because I actually did somethin’ shitty, I realize that. I’d take her anger and harsh words and I’d let her be mad at me, because that’s how ya move past things. Ya get it outta your system, then work it out. I took the blame for things I deserved, but she couldn’t be bothered to do the same. If she did somethin’ wrong and I’d bring it up, she’d twist it around to be my fault. And suddenly, I was the one apologizin’ for being mad at all. I was in a constant state of guilt. I was scared to be mad at her, because I knew I would have to shoulder the blame. When I finally did bring it up, she cried for hours about how horrible she was and suddenly, again, I was the one comfortin’ her for something she did to me. It was suffocating.”

Race was speaking in a lifeless, almost monotone voice and Spot was surprised at how well he was keeping it together. It seemed as though he was detaching from himself in order to recount what he’d been through.

“Then there was the humiliation shit. Anytime we were around a new group of people, or even her friends, she’d bring up shit stories about embarrassing shit I’d done or things about me I’d rather people not know. I tried to tell her to stop, but then she’d jus’ tell me I was bein’ sensitive and I’d hafta bite my fuckin’ lip. It frustrated me ta no end. Also, oh fuckin’ also,” his voice turned malicious as he spoke, “She was fuckin’ awful about my ADHD. Like, she had no patience for my shit and when I’d get overwhelmed she’d fuckin’ leave me to rot. Or-or if I didn’t take my meds? God, she’d fuckin’ snap at everything I did. I think she was embarrassed, but-” he cut himself off shaking his head, “Anyway, it started gettin’ really bad around last Winter.”

Spot tensed his shoulders in anticipation. He had a feeling he knew what was coming, but he still didn’t want to hear it.

“We were fightin’ every week- constantly goin’ ta bed angry. Shoutin’ at one another, or more like, her shoutin’ and me tryna reason. It was exhaustin’. But then, one night,” Race’s voice wavered and he took a moment to compose himself, “One night she had this fuckin’ sick idea that we’d fuck away our problems. I agreed ‘cause I was too tired not ta, but as soon as we started, I wanted ta stop. My skin felt like it was burning, I-” his breath hitched and he quickly sat up, moving away from Spot and wrapping his arms around himself.

Spot watched helplessly, “Racer, if this is too much you can-”

“No,” Race said, voice shaking, “I needa do this, please.”

Spot nodded, biting his lip, “Alright.”

Race looked down at the sheets and heaved a breath, “Our, uh, our fights were replaced with sex. It was almost every night, whether I wanted ta or not. I tried to say no sometimes, but she’d ignore me until I gave in. I was so tired of fightin’ that I jus’ fuckin’ went with it, but this was worse. I was stuck.”

Spot felt anger bubble in his stomach and he bit the inside of his cheek to stop himself from lashing out and interrupting Race.

“I had enough one night and I tried ta walk away while we were…” Race pursed his lips and shook his head, steeling himself, “But she cornered me and slapped me really fuckin’ hard before I could even get my shirt on. I was shocked and she seemed to realize that it gave her leverage. From then on, whenever we disagreed about somethin’, she’d slap me, or flick me, or do somethin’ to get me to stop fightin’ her way. I knew it was bad, but I told myself that she wasn’t outright punchin’ me or nothin’, so it was fine. ‘Sides, I was the guy so-”

“Hey, no, that doesn’t excuse shit,” Spot cut in, “Guy or gal, a hit is a hit.”

Race grimaced, “I know that, Sean, I was jus’ in denial. I dunno. Anyway. it went on like that for a few weeks until, uh, fuck..” his eyes glazed over and he fixed his gaze on a place above Spot’s shoulder.

Spot felt unease grip at his spine and he sat up ever so slightly, “Racer?”

Race shook his head, eyes focusing again, “Sorry, sorry, uh. So, it went on like that until one night I’d had enough and I tried ta stop her by grabbin’ her wrist and twistin’ it,” he winced, “I hate that I did that, but I was so tired of, uh, yeah. I let go as soon as I’d grabbed her, but he was livid. Started throwin’ things. Got me right in the rib with an iron- I still have the scar.” Race lifted his shirt to reveal a long, white scar right below his left pec, “hurt like a bitch.”

Spot could see Race trembling as he lowered his shirt back down. He ran a hand through his blonde curls and blinked a few times, breathing through his nose, “The slaps never stopped, but now she wasn’t afraid to go harder and I endured it. Kept tellin’ myself that I’d be too much of a burden to ask for help. I started ta think I deserved it. Until that day when she was drunk. Came at me with that broken bottle and somethin’ in me snapped. I was hurtin’ and done and so so tired, I just couldn’t anymore. As soon as she was satisfied with her handywork, I fuckin’ left. And that’s when I came ta you,” he met Spot’s horrified gaze and sighed, “I don’t know why I didn’t jus’ leave as soon as she started bein’ shit, but I was so so lost,” his voice sounded tired and Spot wanted to scream.

“I love you, Spot,” Race choked out, voice thick, “You saved me and I wanna be happy with you, but I’m so fuckin’ scared.”

Spot shook his head, dumbfounded. He searched for the right words as he began to speak, “Race, I know you went through hell. Fuck, I’m gonna end that bastard next chance I get. But as far as we go, just know you are always safe with me.”

“I jus’ don’t know what I’m ready for, yet,” Race said, sniffling, “I wanna be with you, but..”

Spot leaned forward, tapping Race’s chin lightly to get him to look at him, “You’re settin’ the pace here, Racer,” he said softly, “You let me know what you’re ready to do and what you’re not. You let me know what your boundaries are and I swear on the heavens that I’ll stay in them.”

Race’s face crumpled and he pressed a wet kiss to Spot’s lips, who reciprocated it, then pulled him into his chest, “You’re in control, Antonio.”

“Thank fuckin’ God.”

—

we get relationship development next chap and Spot’s thoughts so stay tuned

thanks for reading, chiefs

hmu to be added to my tag

TAG LIST:

@bencookisagod

@we-dont-sell-papes

@suddenly-im-respecsable

@aw-jus-let-em-try

@well-the-kids-do-too

@spot-conlon-king-of-brooklyn

@thatpoorguysheadisspinning

@labert-dasilver

@andthewoildwillknow

@the-newsies-justice-for-zas-blog

@sunshine-e-cigarettes

@have-we-got-news-for-you

@musical-shitposts

@thebroadwayaesthetic

@thomasbeingthomas

@irondad-spiderson-duo

@snakesarenonexistent

#newsies #racetrack higgins #newsies fic #spot conlon #sprace #departed

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thecopelessopus · 6 years

Text

I’ve been listening to Matt Maeson all night so im making a list of some of the best lyrics in his songs

•Grave Digger

- “But tell me if I run away, How long will I bleed?”

- “Ain't no point in tryna picking me up when I'm down. Yeah, you can stick out your hand, And you can lean towards the ground. I'll be... digging my own grave”

• Me and my Friends are Lonely

- the whole song

- Literally if you don’t know what I’m talking about please go listen to this song

• Straight Razor

- “It’s strange how the days later can weigh on you years later”

- “Oh and I'll try to convince myself I'm worth it, Oh and you'll lie with your strange and fitting purpose”

• Tribulation

- “I think I love you, But I don't ever think I can, Ever learn how to love just right”

• Twenty Twelve

- “I could open the door and breathe in the dust, I could walk through those flames till I don't feel their touch, Oh but how can I leave when I know what's out there”

• Put It On Me

- “I know that you'd never feel like I do

And I'd break into pieces right in front of you, And I'd burn down the city and string up the noose, And you watch in wonder”

• Hallucinogenics

- “Ripping with my sinners, Because fuck it man, I ain't no beginner”

- “I couldn't open up, I'm always shiftin, Go find yourself a man who's strong and tall and Christian”

- “I carried on like the wayward son, Now through and through I have come undone. And now I am just but the wayward man, What with my bloodshot eyes and my shaky hands”

• The Hearse

- “I can't scrub off the black from my lungs, I can't wipe off the taste from my tongue”

- “What was it like to feel in love, What was it like to feel in love”

- “I will never go backwards. I will never be free. I will never run faster”

• Cliffy

- “Oh so just tell me, are you still hurting? And where did you come by all of those burdens?”

• Unconditional

- “So maybe love was always near. Maybe love needs the fear. Well maybe love is a broken thing. Maybe love needs nothing”

- “Oh and darling I know that I haven't told you, But you mean more to me than you must know, But my head's full of fear and my heart of sorrow, But when I'm patient enough, you've always said go”

• Mr. Rattlebone

- “I am the driver, I am the shadow, and I am the hearse”

#long post #matt maeson #lyrics #quotes #music

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soobadnoonecanstopher · 7 years

Note

Lori,I wanna tell y,sth's bein a burden of my mind.D'ya have twitter?omg,Im just tryna havin into that one.I felt bad like why are peeps there just sayin such as trash(ok,everyone just has their opinion but I prefer be in tumblr to twitter) Im really sick of the fandom do war here&there,even they're just doin that on the same fandom like hell yeah,dont they have other activities beside doin fanwar?Even their idols support e/o but the fandom like asdfghjkl just realized that I regret bein there😭

I don't have twitter. Why don't you just delete? I don't get the struggle. Even animals know to escape something that is hurting them, just delete it and breathe in the fresh stank of the tumblr life.

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clafouttii · 4 years

Text

good god its been a while since ive had a good ole fashioned tumblr vent post. do yall still do these anymore or has everyone started finding healthy outlets? i know i dont have a fucking healthy outlet all i can do is cry. but im super emotionally volatile at my parents house so i wanna do a lot of crying but then i cant so it gets bottled up and i have a big freakout and then everyone calls me a super unhinged psycho and im like “i promise im not like this when im not around you”.

my sister also gets real fuckin butthurt when i look at her sometimes and then shes like “wehhh jeez why are you being such a bitch” but if i stay silent im a mopey bitch and if im like “bro i wasnt tryna be a bitch sorry” im an angry bitch and i honestly dont know if im actually the issue here or not because i would like to think thats not the case but who knows!! the only proof i have that im not the one in the wrong is my friends have seen her be shitty to me so thats my only hope is that theyve seen it happen so i feel a little better that im not actually a super secret abuser like she makes me feel like i am

and of fucking course as im entering my final year of college this covid shit happens and puts my entire post grad plan in jeopardy and my mom gets mad at me for freaking like im fucking sorry deborah this goddamned pandemic has ruined my junior year and destroyed what little stability i’d set myself up with mentally but yeah sure, i’ll be able to work at aldi if i cant get the internship. nevermind that i needed this internship for a lot more than just the money

ive been in such a bad place mentally and i dont know if its my fault for being weak or if its like a thing that you feel awful at your childhood ““““home”“““ or what but ive not wanted to actively kill myself this much since fucking high school. and my friends have been great but i hate feeling like a burden to them since theyve got their own shit but i cant not vent to them and then i feel bad because its not their job to fix me but im making it their job by being an inconsiderate ass and i just.

sometimes i feel like i should have gone through with it junior year of high school. woulda made things a lot easier on everyone around me.

#vent post #do people still make these? fuck it #i just need to scream my feelings into the void so i dont bother anyone

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usuckcharlie · 5 years

Text

jim

west coast smoker - I'm a nervous wreck, The drugs just make me reset

colors - You're only happy when your sorry head is filled with dope, I hope you make it to the day you're twenty-eight years old / Everything is blue ,His pills, his hands, his jeans / Everything is grey His hair, his smoke, his dreams And now he's so devoid of color He don't know what it means

don't threaten me with a good time - Five-thousand people with designer drugs Don't think I'll ever get enough / I've told you time and time again I'm not as think as you drunk I am

love/drugs - Cocaine bending on a daddy's dime, Nothing looks pretty in a heartless city, A new drug he’s ready to try

using - Needed a distraction from my head, Devil on my shoulder said try this instead

train - I wanna run away with you, Come on run away, run away with me

zombie - And I have seen it all, My own mother's afflictions taking over, Yeah I, I've seen it all before Where money alone can't buy forgiveness / And I can see that you don't seem like yourself anymore

drugs - Please don't make me go back to real life, It could be fatal

how does it feel - how does it feel, To be what you've become, What you said you would never be, 'Cause I don't feel anything anymore / And how does it feel, To be just like your friends

art school - Lay down, I lie again My pants on fire, Talking so confident My small empire

a detailed and poetic physical threat - It's messed up You always can become what you hate

happy pills - I take my pills and I'm happy all the time / we take strange things to feel normal

we try but we dont fit in - Hold on, who am I again? / All my friends, we're just the same. We all pretend that we're okay

summer depression - Pretty face with pretty bad dreams, No one knows I cry in my sleep Waking up feeling like shit It’s a normal thing to feel like this / My worst habit Is my own sadness, So I stay up all night Wondering why I'm so tired all the time

x & y - I know something is broken, And I'm trying to fix it, Trying to repair it, Any way I can

shades of cool - My baby lives in shades of blue, Blue eyes and jazz and attitude, He lives in California too, He drives a Chevy Malibu / He lives for love, he loves his drugs, he loves his baby too / But I can't fix him, can't make him better And I can't do nothing about his strange weather

off - Chew and swallow pills straight from Satan’s cabinet Swear to god I spent a lifetime building habits

my love - My love, Do I even know you at all?

star treatment - Ask your mates but golden boy's in bad shape, I found out the hard way That here ain't no place for dolls like you and me

im not ok - I'm not okay, I'm bad for my health, I'm just like everyone else Fucked up like everyone else, im sick of myself, who needs to get well

4am - I'm thinking too much again. How my life will end?

california - feeling down so you try to get fucked up. You’re up but you’re still down on your luck. You blacked out when the sky was still blue. People say what happened to you? California, what a way to die.

how to never stop being sad - praying just for one second you could feel the warmth of equally returned love. My life is shit because I deserve it, right? You must have done something really bad, and it's nearly impossible for you to cry now. Allow yourself to lose interest in the things you love. Watch as you begin to take a backseat to the world around you.

ocean eyes - You really know how to make me cry, when you gimme those ocean eyes. I'm scared

the beach - Fallin' again, I need a pick-me-up, I hope I don't murder me, I hope I don't burden you. Swim with me, I think I could see the beach

daddy issues - I'm not entirely here.Half of me has disappeared. Go ahead and cry little boy. You know that your daddy did too. You know what your mama went through. You gotta let it out soon, just let it out

greetings from califournia - I've got a dozen insecurities, But I don't think you should be worried for me. I know once you come to California You will never look back

fake love - I'm falling down your stairwell Eyes are closing, if you can't tell/ lose yourself until we come back down/ Hard drugs, fake love; it's a sensation

okay - Positive I'm blinking but I don’t know how Positive an oxy just went in my mouth Positive I'll die tonight, no fucking doubt. Okay, okay, dirty habits well you don't say. Tryna' stop me, I'm like no way, no way. Ask me how I'm doing, yeah, I'm coping. I swear ever since I hit it I ain't ever been the same.

drawing pins - Lights are on but no one's in. I don't feel like I belong here at all.

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imtiredofthis1-blog · 6 years

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delirium

this isn’t a fairy tale and i don’t want it to end any way in particular.. i just wanna work on myself and now you’re on to the thread of it.. i didn’t even wanna text you but i just did it compulsively.. i’m sorry and i won’t bug you for decades.. this is stupid i’m stupid

this future is toxic, but everything comes to an end eventually good luck

anyways today was a bit stressful i handle one thing professionally finally and maybe soon i can be a checker i just hope they don’t ask me to go up your area i’d declive even though money is a priority at the moment.. i feel good and i finally feel comfortable in the open my coworkers like me and that’s good

my old coworkers liked me too i guess i’m pretty life idk.. they just don’t know my interior i’m just an artist though a developing artist a human artist an artist by itself

artist

omg i’ve been contemplating on a name for me and my bros lil project something that’s open

kind of like daft punk

but not like daft punk i just wanna be in genres and open into vast ideas of music

or genres it’s vague

but i’m doing fine my music isn’t that great but i got a compliment the other day about my minuscule drumming it feels good it feels good to share

although i sit here and wonder if you think it’s anything

im poisoned by that thought

anyways

today was okay

tomorrow comes again and we’re gonna try to record something it feels good it really does

to finally paint my sonically ideas into a digital canvas

i wanna go to another show soon i wish you could come

i gotta stop bringing you into my reality.. i swear

maybe i should bring my brother and enter him into my world of life

i opened up the other day to him it felt good

to apologize to be there

i really don’t like cycles because i know people and i know i’m not great either but we’re human and no human wants a burden on another

my cycle is inconclusive and destructive at times and i’m starting to withhold my tantrums and become a bit better with my behavior

im also stopping people from being misogynistic and also the antonym to it for women i can’t really reach the term but i know it’s there

well i’m sorry for burdening you btw i just wanted to play music again and i’ll probably just buy a new set of things so forget about it

has anyone ever wondered how fortune cookies work.. like i get the idea that you know someone types up these phrases but think about it’s like a 1000 to 1 chance that it’ll be somethin in particular and what i’m saying is what are the chances ya know like is it fate that you read this and it’s like hmmmmm idk im being a bit vague but like what are the chances you know

let’s say you’re eating you’re done you walk away but get stopped the ladies like do you want your fortune cookie and pulls it out the bag and it was next to about a general amount of 30 so is it fate to get that particular phrase attached to you or

yeah it’s weird idk

i has katsu today for the first in a while and i’ve just been contemplating it plenty

i hope i can be a checker though i’m sprung with joy if i do get it it’s gonna be hard work but more money for me.. i’m tryna save up by a car and then drive to california or should i visit canada for a minute hmmmm that’s a hard one

damn the future is a trip

but our fairy tale is over and i don’t want you to think i’m here to talk to you about us anymore i tried and now i’m just gonna write it out and sonically reach you it won’t work but i hope you feel it

this reality is weird

and it’s okay

and cut

you’re going down your hole again and i want you to understand that it’s okay it’s a break up you can feel this way but please for the life of yourself work on it and move on she doesn’t like you and you broke it so fix yourself and move it’s the best thing you can do for yourself and those around you and tbh you are great it can be difficult but know from internal to external that you are loved anyways understand that you just gotta keep pushing and creating this is your canvas and life can be hard but let go.. remember you got complimented for what you do now just try to do better and commit i love you from internal self to you..

this is delirium

this is reality

just let go

1:35, 1/5

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sleepingwonders · 7 years

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04162017

Dude. Happy Easter. I realise that my body just HATES smoke so I’m just going to accept that. Also found out that my ‘thing’ in my friend group that is highly notable is dissociation in the middle of hanging out. I will legit just like lay down anywhere and just like forget everything. And it’s great like, of you don’t know me well enough you’d think oh god she’s insane but I mean… yeah I am, but like I’m a chaotic neutral….. IM NOT GONNA GO OUT OF MY WAY to burden others nah boiiiii I’ll let you just set fire to yourself lmao. Speaking of Fire ok let me just start this over but with like what happened.

LET ME JUST STATE THAT I JUST ENJOY WRITING DOWN MY THOUGHTS ON THIS SITE AND BEING ABLE TO LOOK BACK. I also really like when people like reply to my diary posts bc like… I’m just o h your read it and don’t think lowly of me omf and I get happy.

Ok end rant let’s get on

So about 8 I made it to Mukilteo beach (finally) and met up w Mikayla, Jake, Annalise, Zane, and Kaitlyn(?)(just met her) then I found out Kevin and his gf were coming and I was like o. (Cause last time I saw him I completely switched on him and was a shit. A big shit. I feel bad but I had so many feelings against him that like it was impulsive…. he hurt me and doesn’t even know he did me wrong…. anyways) so I met his gf and whatever fine and dandy, bUT BOY WAS IT COLD so they left and we were all planning on meeting up at Zanes house; bc we can make a fire there, perfect. So we get there and jake tells me that Kev and gf didn’t come bc he had some thing and whatever (aka he didn’t wanna come or his gf didn’t wanna come whatever either way he didn’t come. Oh well) So we all get to Zanes (I got there last cause I got lost af ended up in Everett whoops) and I just like hang out for half a second but I looked up and soO MANY STARS BOI and then like I completely forgot that I was a person in a group of people for a solid 20 minutes… and I was lying on the ground, just looking up at the stars completely forgetting about everything around me until well mikayla gets a hold of the gasoline bottle and starts spraying the bottle RAPIDLY and jake is freakingout. Then Jake gets the bottle and IT BROKE HAHAH SO LIKE HE GOT GAS EVERYWHERE AND THE FIRE NATURALLY SPREAD TO THE GRASS AND LIKE EVERYONE WAS FREAKING OUT TRYNA LUT THE FIRE OUT AND AH HAHA SO FUNNY. but eventually they got it out, Hahaha then like I get up finally and join and andrew ended up coming and he was able to bring me my BTS posters !!!! I was HAPPY. anyways I get up and sit w the group it’s great and like I get super into the fire and zone out again and like forget everything again, I’m far enough away from the fire that my body cold af tho. So I’m freezing and also like inhaling smoke from the fire (no prob tho cause 'it hurts so good’)(plus like it makes me feel like I got the dankest fickin vape cloud cause all that’s in my body is fuckin smoke hahaha. And like andrew notices and was like dude chill that can kill you. So because again I’m a big shit, I start INHALING THE SHIT OUT OF THIS SMOKE. I made it a point to inhale the most smoke. He was not having is hahaha. Oh well. Then something happened and andrew tried to take the posters and I like, fuck I have ZERO CLUES as to what came over me but yo I bit andrew like alySSA WHATTHEFUCK. and then realised I needed to chill. So I let someone out (I was blocking them in the driveway) and came back and like everything was fine again. Then Zane brought ou t CATS ANF I WAS ALL FOR IT HECK YA. Then like the fire started dying and you know what that means (SMOOOOOOKE) well andrew again wasn’t having it so he stood in front of me lolol. Darn it. Then Jake and andrew, and annalise left and it was just Zane, Mikayla and I. So like I don’t know how it happened but eventually the three of us ended up hanging out and Zane got his vape and bc I’m always so interested in everything that I know nothing about I’m like BRO LEMME DO IT FUCKIN VAPE NAAAASHUNNN and hahahahahah my dudes I CANNOT INHALE SMOKE FOR SHIT. (Will post a video later or something) it’s so bad. I kept choking on the smoke and coughing it was bad. But it was really fun at the same time and I got some cool photos of Zane. I want to edit them and make them look cool and stuff and maybe I’ll post them or something sometime. (Probably will everything ends up on here) and yeah. Anyways we were talking about what our things are (Zane has this like shivering thing he does, mikayla has this face of utter disgust at something she’s displeased with, and I guess my thing is my Dissociation in the middle of everything and just laying down and looking at the sky.)(again I totally didn’t know it was so obvious). And then we dispatched. So on my way home I was listening to music at level fucking 30. (Mind you I never put it past 13/15 so I’m just BLAAASTING this stuff and I’m like hell ya and singing along and it was greeeeeat. All in all good night I was satisfied. But I’m gonna like stop it here because nothing else really happened after that. But I’m glad I was able to hang. Now. I have to sleep bc I have to wake up in about 8.7 hours to go to church! So excited. I hope everyone has a wonderful Easter. And to those who’ve already experienced their day, I hope you all had a wonderful Easter Day. Much love, and Bless up. (:

#diary #mikayla #dissociation

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rokurookajima · 7 years

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once again filling my evening answering questions nobody asked

cherry turnover: who do you live with?

i’ve lived by myself for three months now!! it’s cool and there are some things that are really nice about living totally alone like truly never bothering anyone with the shit you’re doing. but im tryna move in with evie soon and we’re hoping to have a place by mid june!!!! we just looked at some today and im jazzed bananas foster: do you believe in soul mates?

yes absolutely but like in a specific sense. i don’t believe everyone has like one singular soul mate, and i don’t believe soul mates are exclusively romantic. but i completely believe there are people you’re cosmically supposed to meet, and that sometimes the odds are all against you meeting but you still do, and when you finally meet there is some kind of feeling like you’ve either known each other way longer, or you instantly know they’re going to be so important to you. i think i’ve met more than one soul mate by that definition in my life. one was the guide of a travel group i went on a trip with when i was 16, and i only knew him for a week but we both connected so strong and instantly, and both were clearly affected by it i think we both walked away differently. i’ve never seen him since then and i cried a lot the last day of that trip. but like it definitely wasn’t romantic?? it was just some kind of deep soul connection. i also think you can have friendships that are gonna last forever and those are pretty close to soul mates too. basically i have a lot of very romanticized ideas about people you meet in your life glazed donut: would you rather visit a zoo or an aquarium?

prob an aquarium pumpkin pie: what were your interests as a child?

i really fuckin loved dinosaurs when i was rlly young, like preschool and kindergarten age. i liked cool rocks a lot too, i had a ton of geodes and crystals and those little stones you could buy at like museum giftshops that i kept in boxes and would just look at all the time. i was rlly obsessed with harry potter when i was like 8 i think that was when i first read the books and there were only five at the time. late childhood (like 4/5th grade) i loved cats on probably a weird level bc wow yeah i was a warrior cats kid, also loved pirates a lot lemon tart: how many languages can you speak?

just one unfortunately. i wish i knew a second language but alas chocolate mousse: how is your relationship with your parents?

it could probably be better, but i guess it is a lot better than a lot of people my age have. i love my parents but they’re rlly problematic people, and even tho they didn’t mean to, they are the biggest reason i have a lot of the issues i have, and they still do shit that perpetuates it. it’s better in some ways that i don’t live with them now, bc i think some parts of my mental health like my self image are better bc i’m around way more supportive people than them. but also i feel bad bc i don’t make as much of an effort to talk to them as i should since i don’t see them every day. me and my mom have always been pretty close, and i don’t want to lose that. they try sometimes creme brûlée: describe your style

american apparel lmao which i can only keep saying for like the next YEAR before that won’t define anything for people. but 4 real a good portion of my wardrobe is from american apparel, and when i shop else ware, it’s still pretty consistent with that style. like very basic cuts and colors of things, only pattern i ever wear is stripes, highwaisted everything, cropped everything. i only wear black white gray and green i am a stereotype cheesecake: have you ever visited a sex shop?

lmao yeah more than once. there’s a couple around where i live that i’ve been to a few times, and one in columbus. i’ve never bought anything at one, or gone there with like the intent to purchase stuff. they’re just honestly so funny to walk through and be horrified by the enormous dildos raspberry sorbet: favorite clothing stores?

wow i can’t say american apparel anymore im so sad. so uh. i honestly don’t know where im gonna get most of my clothes now. forever 21 and h&m are always good places to find some cheap stuff. i wanna thrift more, but i never seem to have very good luck at finding stuff green tea ice cream: who was your first crush?

lmao it was milo thatch from atlantis. but i assume we are talking about a real person that i actually y’know like. could speak to. which was my tumblr boyfriend that i met when i was 17. i met him in a fandom chatroom i ended up in through some other tumblr friends, then kinda started getting some feels when he posted a selfie after we’d already talked in the chat and i was like oh no he’s hot. so wowie a tragic tale of star-crossed lovers chocolate chip cookie: how has your life changed over the past year?

i can’t even start to say how much my life has changed over the last year. truly, i don’t think there’s ever been a year in my life that i’ve looked at and been so in awe of how many things happened. but yeah last spring-this spring i went through so many life experiences and firsts and personality changes and struggles and some of the happiest days of my life and by far the fucking worst days of my life. since april last year, i fell in love for the first time, had a real relationship for the first time, became a lot more social, got really close to some of the people i’m now closest to, got high for the first time, lost my virginity, went to big parties, got a lot more social, met a lot of people, saw a lot of new sides of life, questioned a lot of my own beliefs and came to new ones, left the country without my parents, traveled out of state completely by myself, got my heart completely destroyed for the first time, attempted suicide, thought my life would literally not make it to this point, moved out of my house, lived on my own, got stronger, figured some shit out, hooked up with someone at a party, had casual sex for the first time, now i’m hoping to move again in the next few months. i know some of that is like. not actually that exciting, and a lot of it was shit that most people do for the first time in high school, but it was a lot for me. i ended up in a world and lifestyle that i used to write fiction about and romanticize the hell out of, and never thought i’d actually live it first hand. so rlly this last year was fuckin wild for me and in a lot of ways i feel like i’ve aged 60 years, and i’m tired from that much all in one year, but i’m also still kinda naive and clueless so what can u do berry trifle: first & last concert you went to?

so wow i don’t go to real concerts. the first was probably some christian band with my family. the last. does the american murder song wake tour count? that was kind of a concert tapioca pudding: favorite animated characters?

WOW let me fuckin TELL u my favorite animated characters. number one will always always always be revy from black lagoon. i have never loved a character that much in my life, everything about her is so good. she’s such a goddamn disaster and so well written and complex and so much more than just a typical bad ass female archetype. i love that it’s not just headcanon to read deep into her personality, it’s a huge point of the series. i love that on the surface she is just like. a bad ass with no feeling. then u actually get to the end of the series and she is actually a CHILD inside who is so fuckin insecure and she LOVES ROCK SO MUCH i wanna die. also lust from fullmetal alchemist esp the 2003 anime fuck me ALL THE WAY UP. ed elric, and truly everyone in fullmetal alchemist what a series what a cast of characters. fudge brownie: do you like your name?

sometimes. i used to really hate it when i was younger, now it’s changed some. i like still don’t like it when i say it out loud probably bc people 100% of the time think i said cindy and i have to correct them every dang time. but like that i can shorten it to syd which i also used to hate bc toy story (i was a kid ok) but now i like it. there are also those times where people you like say your name and it makes u feel some type of way??? i like it then. so i guess i like it most when other people are saying it u feel me strawberry shortcake: are you good at keeping secrets?

i mean if it’s my own, absolutely not what the fuck is a secret i am a tragic over sharer about my own shit. but other people’s, yes i’d say so. i feel like a lot of people feel comfortable enough to tell me things they might not tell other people, and i don’t ever feel like it’s a burden to keep a secret y’know?? so it doesn’t like eat at me and make me wanna tell people tiramisu: are you daring when it comes to makeup & clothing or do you like to play it safe?

uh i guess somewhere in the middle. like the way i dress isn’t rlly how everyone dresses and i guess in some crowds would be considered pretty different, but i don’t know if its daring bc its not like....that adventurous or out there. esp bc i only wear neutral colors lmao. same with makeup, for the most part, it’s pretty simple but every now and then i like to do something fancier. i feel like the most daring things about me appearance wise are like having a lot of piercings and tattoos??? so y’know make ur daring shit permanent i guess im not that edgy lmao oreo milkshake: do you sleep a lot?

i feel like i sleep a pretty average amount. i wish i could sleep more bc i’m tired all the time, but way more i wish i could sleep less. i love the idea of being able to just naturally get up early and have so much time in the morning to do shit and enjoy the morning. and i like staying up late. but i’m always tired and even tho i have to get up early most mornings, it’s still a constant struggle and i wish it wasn’t. i’ll sleep pretty late when i get the chance tho

apple crisp: how do you relax?

guess it depends on what i’m feeling. i like to take baths a lot, or just chill and watch movies and stuff. i love having relaxing hangouts with friends, like just chilling watching movies with people and not needing to do anything else. i wanna do more quote-unquote relaxing stuff, like read and write more, go to yoga classes, shit like that carrot cake: who is your celeb look alike?

i’ve been told more than once i look like krysten ritter so i will go with her. it’s the bangs macaron: what is your ethnicity?

white af cinnamon bun: favorite salty snack?

wow salty snacks are my VICE i love salty shit way more than sweet things. fuck man i love chips of all kinds, i’ve been eating way too many hot cheetos lately, french fries, mcdonalds hash browns, i’m gonna have blood pressure issues from how much i love salt

#about me #personal #one man harp band

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