#and just i am so fucking tired and angry and sick of shit

[invisiblerhythmcat]

also my pharmacy switched when i switched pcps, but I don't understand the medical system, so I requested a refill of my anxiety meds, but I haven't gotten them and I think I'll get them by Friday, but, in the meantime I only have one pill left and it's not something I should be bouncing on and off of either, so I kind of panic-stopped taking it already

and it feels like somehow this is my fault but mostly I just don't understand the fucking system and wish someone else would deal with it for me

but no one ever does and no one ever explains it because they all think I should be able to do it

and I can't.

I fucking hate it. All I want is a fucking pill.

(the good news is that I currently don't have major anxiety happening, but the depression is definitely coming on full force, but that was happening before I ran out of pills, so fuck if I know how this is going to go. Probably not good, but when is anything ever. gakjdsfa)

#i just wish i could get help with these things #but I don't have anyone to ask #and all the services I find are for people in different situations than me #and like #probably all i need to do is call the goddamn new pharmacy and ask if they sent the thing #but phones are evil and i am tired and i can't #i couldn't phone today and I had to anyway because the stupid fucking bank insisted on it and basically harassed me on email #until i picked up the phone #so now i am in negative phone energies #and i have to answer a phone for work tomorrow #at the evil place that wants to remove all covid precautions #in a very twisted way that basically claims they consulted with my committee #when they didn't #and just i am so fucking tired and angry and sick of shit

[soullessjack]

hi im tired and in a teeny bit of pain and I’m fed up with jack being used to fix and absolve dean so heres them mutually getting their shit together like they actually should okay goodnight send tweet

#I’ve had this for months but I am so sick and tired of this fandom #so very sick and tired #jack isn’t there to coddle a grown ass man for his traumas please shut the fuck up forever 🤞 #parentifying a man with parentification trauma just bc he isn’t grieving healthily is weird as hell fuck y’all #also LET JACK BE ANGRY ABOUT SHIT #I am. so fucking tired of this place HE IS NOT A RAY OF SUNSHINE GET THAT THRU UR FUCKING SKULLS #sorry if this is mean toned it’s because im being mean and have several contributing factors to my behavior and loss of patience #spn #supernatural #supernatural fic #spn fic #jack kline #dean winchester #dean and jack #dean winchester fic #jack kline fic #fix it fic #except they ACTUALLY FUCKING FIX IT ON BOTH SIDES.

[pepprs]

genuinely so angry and scared im shaking. how many other times this week this month this year have i been exposed without knowing it. do people even tell each other anymore. it’s just so grim. it’s so fucking grim

#purrs #delete later #covid19 #i am fighting for my fucking life every day to stay safe and to keep the people around me some of whom are disabled / chronically ill / #immunocompromised / medically vulnerable safe. i am fucking fighting for my life. it’s already hard that i am usually one of two people in #any given room still wearing a mask let alone an n95 mask. hard and bad enough that we get looks for wearing masks and people think im crazy #for my life still being on hold and for my family still basically never going anywhere. ITS FUCKING WORSE that we are still very much in the #throes of all of it and we are in constant physical and quite frankly EXISTENTIAL danger not only of getting sick / becoming (more) #disabled / literally fucking dying but also returning to the absolute hell of lockdown which while important was psychologically damaging in #ways that are difficult to even articulate. like not only have we as a society decided to not give a shit about unpacking all of that and #healing from the trauma and assuming everyone went through the same thing when we very much did not and to just send everybody back to #school and work because 🤑🤑🤑🤑🤑capitalism🤑🤑🤑🤑🤑 but we have ALSO decided to pretend like the freakish unceasing danger just doesn’t exist #anymore and to get rid of every tool we had available to keep us safe or at minimum make people have to pay exorbitant amounts of money to #access them because 🤑🤑🤑🤑🤑capitalism🤑🤑🤑🤑🤑 !!!!!!! im TIRED. im so fucking tired of it. i am so fucking exhausted and angry and scared. and i #HAVE the luxury and privilege of being able to afford n95 masks and covid tests and to be able to work a job that i can do remotely if i #need to and to not be disabled or immunocompromised. what makes me fucking furious is we decided to throw all the people who don’t have #that access or privilege under the fucking bus and forget about them lol. but what do you expect from a country rotten to its core the way #it is lol. im fucking despondent. why are we living in an incinerator. #* the lockdown(s) werent just important they were necessary. and arguably we should have another one even though if we do i genuinely fear #for my mental health both during and afterwards and quite frankly before. im tired. i am grateful for the life i live which has resulted in #part from the different things that have happened because of the pandemic but i also so desperately wish this never happened and every day I #think about what life would be like if it hadn’t happened. the grief of it all is unspeakably big.

[seenthisepisode]

if my immunity system decided not to work then why should i

#i am so MAD #i am sick AGAIN like it's the 5th time since JUNE!!!! its not fever and antibiotics this time but i feel like shit #and i can't breathe and just want to sleep and i am constantly COLD #but like i have to live through it #because the worst part is it happens on my off days #when i have days off my body decides to get sick so i can't enjoy the free time and it's making me SO MAD #its gotten to the point it's almost unbelievable #personal #sorry but #i am so angry #because normally I'd enjoy two days with my family but TALKING HURTS and my nose is leaking and i can't breathe #and i have a 6 hour train journey ahed of me tomorrow and then a concert #and normally I'd be thrilled!!! like yay exciting day #but im just so fucking weak and tired #god let me live a little

[butchdykeorpheus]

bitching in the tags ignore me

#goddddd i hate being angry and frustrated and also i hate adhd #i am still pissed off at whoever in the flat decided to blast EDM in the morning when i was trying to catch up on sleep #after a long late retail shift and then taking over an hour to get home because the buses were being total shit #and with me knowing i won't be sleeping tonight. because this fucking essay needs me to do an all nighter #i want to scream. 🙂🙂🙂🙂🙂 #i have such a hard time coping with anger lmao im so bad at it #and i am SOOOOO tired and i am going to be awake so long!!!!!!! #im 🔪🔪🔪🔪🔪 #i might call out sick from work on tuesday to give myself a chance in hell of like. recovering before i have to deliver therapy on weds #and also a chance to edit this stupid thing before i submit it #anyway!!!!!! anyway!!!!!!!!!! #im more annoyed than i really should be tbh my brain is just so fucking frustrating at the best of times. let alone underslept #gray.txt #uni tag

[ridiculously-over-obsessed]

Living with her is such a weird limbo now I’ve decided to go no-contact when I move out, like I’m sad and annoyed all the time about her bs and her attitude and her gaslighting, but I also know there’s an end in sight so I don’t feel... anything about it at the same time.

Idk I’ve got all these weird feelings/non-feelings going on and I just want to reach that end date so I can get on with my life, I’m feeling very weird lately...

#gs rambling again #like rn she's asleep (yes it's 6pm here) and i had to get my sister up because she's got dnd online with her friends #which is fine but like... she's 19 and doesn't get herself up and i'm sick of it being my responsibility #and mum got snappy at me for daring to wake her up at 4pm because i was going to do food because she was tired and needed more sleep #like why tf are you snapping at me you're nearly 50 years old you should know how to communicate with ppl by now #so i just went back to my room because fuck that and had a cry because it's exhausting and i'm exhausted but i also just feel... empty?? #like i don't feel any type of way about my decision to cut her off i'm not sad i'm not angry i'm not relieved i just... am. #idk i've had enough and i want it to be august already so i can get out and stay out and maybe then i'll feel something about it #just praying sfe doesn't fuck me over again this year 🤞🏻🤞🏻🤞🏻 #also i really need to talk to my friends about this but i know theyre in a great place and i don't want to bring my sad shit into it #i feel bad for needing them which i'm aware is not a rational way of thinking and i need to open up etc etc #but i'm... i just got so used to keeping it to myself that i don't know what to say or how to open up #and now i'm just spiralling and feeling bad for not talking to them but also bad for even considering it #*gently thuds head into wall*

[lovingaeth]

honestly honestly REALLY honestly i need someone to smash a fucking pan over my head i am so sick of myself

#WHAT is with me and my inability to finish anything that doesnt have any direct consequences or impact on my life beyond increasing #my frustrations and self hatred. WHATS WITH THAT #im so tired i am SO. TIRED #i just want to write one thing. ONE THING. and i cant even fucking do that im so tired of myself #why is it that i crave to write whenever i CANT and when i finally sit my ass down everything just flies out of my brain like water through #a strainer #what kind of mental illness is this that it always fucking happens to shit i like doing like what. WHAT #im so TIRED and ANGRY i am SICK of myself #vent cw #vent tw

[rotturn]

every day on this trip is worse

#i can not stand my sister at all i truly can't #she's been yelling and arguing for 10 minutes because she has her hair straightner but mum doesnt have a plug converter #and she keeps yelling ab how her fringe is fucked when it looks literally the same as it has this entire trip #and is yelling ab how its mums fault as if she couldn't have bought this shit herself before we left #i am just. so over this #any fun that would come from being on an international trip is immediately taken away by my mum and sister constantly getting angry #and either yelling or getting passive aggressive and making me feel horrible its just so tiring #bc i feel like such a fucking asshole for not enjoying an international trip that i will never get the opportunity for again #like this cost so much money and it feels awful to say i dont want it or that its not fun or whatever #but i am constantly dissociating and trying not to cry and ive had meltdowns and panic attacks almost every day but im not allowed to show #them bc my sister tells me to calm down and not be so dramatic and everything is a sensory nightmare #and i have a very specific diet at home and its not available outside of nz and there arent really any worthy substitutes and even if there #are i wont know bc i dont speak the languages so im just living on shitty little protien drinks and hot chocolate which makes me feel worse #and on top of it all im sick and i havent had any chance to rest bc my sister wont stop ab going places and doing thingd #and gets pissy if i dont want to #and its just so fucking difficult i knew that being stuck w them for 2 months would suck but its been 1 week and i cant do this anymore #i have no other option but i seriously don't know what to do i don't know how to handle this im at my limit #travelling is stressful and anxiety inducing and its hard enough doing it once on my own #let alone every 2 or 3 days w family that rushes and runs late and has 10000 bags that never fucking fit on the trains #and its always me left standing in the aisle blocking peoples path with nowhere to go bc my sisters giant suitcase wont fit anywhere #i hate this so much and its making me hate all the cities and countries we go to bc i dont get to experience the places i only get #to experience fucking breakdowns and im constantly drinking water bc im constantly dehydrated from either crying or panicked breathing #its a mess and i hate it and i want to go home I haven't felt comfortable or safe since i left home and i wont feel either until i go back #but that isnt until the last couple days of january so i just have to keep dealing with things getting worse by the day #negative cw #rant cw #ask to tag cw

[tough-n-dumb]

i’m so mad i’m fuming. there are pro life picketers downtown (but on the outskirts because they’re fucking cowards) and they have those gruesome fetus posters. so i drove past, stopped, and i yelled "do you hate women? because i think you hate women" and then told them to go fuck themselves and a man laughed at me and now i'm even angrier

#i know laughing at me was to antagonize me #and ya know what? it fucking worked. but i guess i was antagonizing them as well.. #i’m shaking and my vision is blurry i’m so angry #i am just so sick and tired of shit like this #anyway sorry..

[arolesbianism]

Man I've gotta be mean more often Im so sick of being polite abt bigotry I should just start killing ppl fr

#rat rambles #Im tired of babysitting ignorant ppl Im tired of trying to be nice abt shit someone needs to give me a gun #Im tired of trying to be presentable towards ppl who are on the fense abt shit Im tired of sanitising myself #I wanna reclaim slurs I wanna be angry I want to be loud I want to just yell at ppl that they Should be uncomfortable they Should be upset #you Shouldnt let ppl live in bliss you Should feel targeted when I call out your bullshit because I Am talking abt you fucking get over it #I have been teaching and guiding and explaining for as long as I remember and Im So Fucking Sick Of It #but someone has to. if I can get even one person to support us in a way that matters I have to. #I mean I dont. but I want to. except I also dont because its miserable and it fucking kills me to do. but I couldnt live with myself if I #didnt so here I fucking am. #I just want to be angry without guilt for once in my fucking life. I deserve to be. Im tired of pretending Im not. #goddddd Im so fucking mad rn Im sorry but also Im not but yknow. #I just wanna be more confident abt myself in like every regard like I hate how long its taken me to feel allowed to call myself mexican #yknow. a thing I am and always have beem #like I am still also white for sure and was raised in a very white enviorment but that doesnt stop me from being mexican #and Im allowed to reclaim slurs and Im allowed to defend myself from bigotry and Im allowed to be fucking angry abt it #Im allowed to exist as I am. I thought I had gotten to that point a long time ago but Ive been realising that I rly havent. #rat rants #rat vents #ok anyways. I should rly go to bed now lol #Ill probably be feeling better tomorrow but dont let that make you think my burning rage is gone lol #whatever gn gamers

[yellowhearther0]

ugh

#sagittarius.txt #negative #sorry for being annoying or whatever i just feel fucking awful #i am just so fucking sick of everything like god #im trying so hard but it doesnt count for fucking shit #i dont have that much to say im just angry and sad and tired #i hate crying every night and i hate always being in pain

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

AITA for making out with my boyfriend when we're alone?

This is so stupid and I am so angry but ok

My (25M) boyfriend (26M, J) was over the other day to hang out and watch a movie with me. We were cuddled up on the couch under a blanket and I was lying next to him (wide couch, fucking rules). I was getting a bit bored of the movie and I hadn't seen him for a while, so we started making out.

I have a roommate, S (30M), who was at work at the time. S is romance and sex repulsed, so to accommodate him, I try to keep J and I's PDA to a minimum around him. He gets pissed off at the tamest of things, like hand-holding or cuddling. I think it's my right to be as affectionate with my partner as I want as long as it's appropriate, but I'm tired of arguing with S.

Anyway, I specifically waited til S wasn't home to invite J over. I wasn't planning on going any further than kissing him, and if I was gonna go further, I wasn't going to do it in a communal space. We would have moved to my bedroom.

Well S came home from work early and he found me and J like that. He started freaking out, saying we were disgusting and that he was sick of living with me, shit like that. Eventually J started defending me, which escalated into a (verbal) fight, ending in J admitting to me that he was sick of having to walk on eggshells around S and he wasn't gonna come over anymore. He left, and I blew up at S. I said some things I regret, like calling him a prude, which I know wasn't cool, but I was too angry to care.

Eventually S told me that the reason why he freaked out is because he thought at first that we were fucking. Blanket was covering us so I can understand that, but he said we still shouldn't be "inappropriate" in the living area. I don't think we were, but he's not backing down. I definitely think that some of this is due to the fact that he just doesn't really like J and never has for reasons he won't tell me.

AITA here?

What are these acronyms?

#aita #am i the asshole

[maraeffect]

(i need you to listen)

i do not want this body (my body is failing)

skin me like a basilisk (my body is failing)

electric cross to touch somebody (my body is failing)

justify my temperament

#i think I'm finally starting to Feel actual emotions over my health situation rn #I'll probably delete or archive this later whatever but it's midnight and I'm tired so #haven't really been able to give my therapist an answer about how the cancer diagnosis makes me FEEL #but these past few days.... I'm starting to unlock it. this song in particular and aphids #I'm just angry. so fucking angry #i already did this shit once when i was a literal child. i thought i could finally leave those days behind #and now here i am back getting poisoned from the inside out. nearly ten years later. what the fuck #i was finally getting my fucking life together man. i had a PLAN for my future for the first time in years #literally accepted an internship the week before they gave me the diagnosis #i was so ready to start building my career and to finish my degree. #it's just not fucking fair. and i know that nothing can change that and that i just have to push through #but it still just makes me so pissed. I've been through ENOUGH. i finally had PEACE #honestly lol wish i knew how to do uncleans so i could scream the fuck out of this song #anyway moping doesn't help but. i didn't realize just how angry i am right now #I've been so depressed and irritated the past few days and i think this stuff is just weighing on me #plus my parents are struggling with it a lot too and that gives me so much anxiety #I'm tired of being sick and never in a million years did i think my cancer would come back #the world keeps clipping my wings right when i start to dream a little #negative #round 2 #Spotify

[angelicsoka]

LAZY (SICKLY) MORNINGS AND MARRIAGE PROPOSALS, q. hughes

word count | 577 words

pairings | quinn hughes x reader

summary | where a common cold turns to the flu leaving quinn and his girlfriend to cancel their plans, leading to a lazy (sickly) valentines morning and a marriage proposal 

warnings | descriptions of vomit and other sickly bodily fluids. not proofread. no use of “y/n”. lowercase intended. this is a work of fiction, i am by no means saying this is how they act in real life.

a/n | i was gonna post this for valentine’s day but never actually got around to writing it lmao, but here it is now!

a groan filled the silent room, followed by someone hurriedly throwing the blanket off of them and running to the bathroom. the sound of heaving could be heard as the other person rolled out of bed and hurried to the bathroom to help. 

quinn rubbed her back with one hand, the other making a makeshift ponytail with her hair as she vomited what little of what remained in her stomach. she sat back against the wall once she had finished, wiping her mouth with the back of her hand.

“you okay?” she shook her head no at quinn’s question, fearful if she spoke she would begin to heave once more. “let me get you some water.” 

she rarely got sick, but when she did it was bad. she gratefully accepted the glass, sipping lightly. it eased the burning in her throat enough for her to speak, “you really shouldn’t be by me, quinny. the team can’t have their captain out sick.” she coughed roughly, trying to clear the flem from her throat.

“i’ve already told you: they can handle a game or two without me. i want to make sure you're okay.” he tried to conceal his own cough as him just clearing his throat, but she knew.

“damnit, i knew you would get sick. i told you!” she tried to come off as angry but she was too tired to portray an emotion she didn’t actually feel. quinn helped her off the ground, the two moseying their way back to bed. she sighed contently when her head hit the soft pillow, shivering slightly as she curled into the blankets. she began to shiver more as quinn got settled, unable to find warmth.

“cold?” he whispered, wrapping his arms around her in a tight embrace. she moved as close as she physically could, in search of warmth from him. she hummed as she settled in his arms, her boyfriend placing a gentle kiss on her head. “well, this is one way to spend valentine’s day.” 

“don’t remind me.” she muttered, turning slightly to look at him. “i’m sorry i’m sick. i know how hard it was to get that reservation and you got me that nice dress and–” quinn shushed her quietly, placing yet another kiss, this time on her shoulder.

“don’t worry about it.” she turned over fully to face him. “it does have me thinking though.”

“yeah?” quinn smiled softly at her. “about what?”

“about how i want to spend the rest of my life with you, ya know, through sickness and health and all that shit.” she giggled, a hint of confusion on her face. they had talked about marriage and family but she had thought he wasn’t ready.

“what are you saying?” 

“i guess i’m saying– well asking, will you marry me?” she felt the oxygen leave her lungs for a moment, before a smile broke out on her face.

“hell yeah,” she watched him smile widely. “god, i love you.”

“i love you so much, baby, so goddamn much.” quinn leaned in to kiss her, only to be stopped by her placing her finger on his lips.

“you can kiss me after i brush my teeth.” quinn pouted, earning a small giggle before she paled. “fuck.” she rolled out of his grasp, getting up and taking off toward the bathroom once more. it may not have been the most conventional way of proposing but neither party would have it any other way.

#angelicsoka #nhl imagine #quinn hughes #quinn hughes x reader #quinn hughes imagine #jack hughes #jack hughes x reader #luke hughes #luke hughes x reader #luke hughes imagine #hockey imagine #hockey fic #nhl fic

[zorrasucia]

Teach Me Tonight - Part 7

[Part 1] [Part 2] [Part 3] [Deleted Scene] [Part 4] [Part 5] [Part 6] Part 7: [Deleted Scene] [Part 8]

Reader x Carmy Berzatto (The Bear FX)

Rating: Explicit (3k)

Tags: Smut, Set sometime after the opening of The Bear, Porn with a little plot, Virgin!Carmy, Fluff, Miscommunication, Angry Sex, Nightmares, Domesticity, Morning Sex, Mutual Masturbation, Both Carmy and Reader have a bit of a praise kink

Summary:

Glimpses of every day life and sharing an apartment with Carmy.

"I'm sorry, okay? I am! I won't use your ingredients without asking- just- please calm the fuck down!"

Your small argument from closing time had escalated on the way home to the point where you were screaming at each other by the time you slammed the apartment door behind you and followed Carmy to the bedroom. You had fought before, of course you had. But this was probably the worst one so far.

Carmy stood on the opposite corner of the room, hands on his hips, breathing heavily.

"Do you know how fucking expensive imported black garlic is?"

"I don't, but I have the feeling you're going to tell me," you spat, petty, the whole sentence leaving a bitter taste inside your mouth. You backtracked."I'm sorry. I'll pay for it, okay?" you tried to appease him even as your blood was boiling. "Listen, when I moved in, I was ready to make some compromises. I downsized my closet, I sold some furniture-"

"I didn't ask you to do any of that," Carmy interrupted you.

"Carm," you gave him a stern look. "I'm only saying that you could be more understanding about shit like this. We share the fridge and the pantry. I'm sorry I assumed I could use the stuff inside without asking, it will not happen again," you repeated, then inhaled deeply. "Just- I can't help feeling this isn't about that."

Carmy looked red in the face, angry like you had only seen him inside the kitchen, pacing and flexing his fingers. You couldn't believe he was actually losing his shit so severely over a steak and some garlic - even if it was a super expensive steak and black garlic.

He looked at the ceiling. "It is about you touching my shit without asking. It is about you leaving your things on the kitchen table when I need it to work-" he clenched his jaw. "I'm sick and tired of not knowing where anything is in my own fucking apartment!"

You had organized the closet to fit your stuff, and  put Carmy's vintage denim and your bigger dresses in storage. You still had to get a desk for your sewing machine and work stuff, in the meantime it had stayed on the kitchen table, which, in your defense, had remained unused for most of your stay.

"Why didn't you say anything?" you asked in exasperation. "I've been living here for three weeks! You could have said something instead of bottling it up until it was-" you gestured vaguely in his direction, "whatever this is!"

"I like you being here, I didn't want to scare you off!" Carmy groaned.

"Carm, did you think I would leave if we didn't agree on where the shirts are supposed to go?"

He shrugged. "Dunno. Dunno!"

"You can tell me things, Carm!" you crossed the room until he was close enough to touch. His eyes looked like the sky before a storm. "You can tell me anything."

"Then why are you so fucking mad?" he said defiantly.

"Because I don't like when you yell at me like I'm just another chef in your fucking kitchen," you said, it was something you had been keeping quiet since your fight started. "I'm not getting paid to put up with this shit."

It struck Carmy completely quiet. And you regretted it the moment it left your lips. You had almost found some middle ground and you had trampled all over it. He took a step closer and stared at you, his eyes dark and angry, the space between you felt charged.

Before you knew what was going on, he grabbed you by the back of the neck and kissed you roughly, biting on your lips, mouth wide open. You pressed on his chest with your hands - you were still too mad at him. But his hands were strong and his tongue was relentless and you could feel yourself getting wet from the mixture of anger and lust - and who knew those two emotions were so close to each other?

"Fuck, I can stop," he said, barely separating his lips from yours, breathing hard. "You want that?"

You pulled on his shirt, bringing him towards you, kissing him back with just as much fervor. Then, using that same grasp, you moved him to the edge of the bed and pushed him hard, his curls bouncing as he fell on his back.

"I want you to fucking apologize, Carmen," you climbed on top of him, straddling his waist. You leaned over and trapped his wrists with your hands, above his head. Even putting all your strength into it, he could wiggle himself free at any moment, but he didn't; he stayed down and looked at you hungrily.

"I'm sorry," he said, a little too cocky for your taste, a smirk barely hidden on the side of his face.

You ground your hips against his, feeling his cock harden underneath you. He rolled his eyes and arched his neck. He looked beautiful, like a marble statue.

"What was that?" you asked, stopping your movement abruptly and getting close to his face.

He whined. "I'm sorry," and it sounded more truthful this time.

"Mhmm, that's more like it."

You kept holding both of Carmy's wrists with one hand, while the other moved downward, going underneath his shirt and playing with his nipple, massaging and pinching gently until he closed his eyes and hummed in bliss. Then you stopped.

"Fuck you," he said, letting out some leftover venom from your fight. 

You smirked - why was this so hot?

You got your answer immediately after, when Carmy got free and turned you over, fast and aggressive, like he rarely was in the bedroom. He caged you with his arms and legs, all taut muscle and shaking breaths.

"What about you?" he said, his voice low.

"What about me?" you tilted your head. "I apologized like ten times, Carm. And I meant it."

"You said some fucked up things just now," his breath tickled your face as he studied you from every angle, like he was a wild animal and you were his prey.

"I did," you admitted. You arched your neck, trying to get close and... What? Kiss him? Bite him? You weren't sure. He put one hand on your throat, not quite a caress, closing his tattooed fingers around it. You squeezed your thighs together, blood flowing with need. "I meant some of that too."

"Which part?"

"That I don't like when you yell at me," you said honestly, the moment a little cheapened with how horny you sounded.

"That all?" Carmy's voice had turned hoarse from screaming and you wished you didn't find it so attractive.

"Yeah," you exhaled.

"Good," he said dryly and got up, freeing you, but you remained immobile.

Suddenly, he yanked hard on your jeans and underwear, leaving you bare in seconds.

"Fuck, Carmy."

You hated how needy you sounded, how wrecked you felt as he licked his hand and finally put his fingers inside you, how good he was at making you crumble... You let out a pleading and pathetic sound as he touched your clit roughly and finger fucked you a little too hard.

Then, he took his fingers out without a warning, leaving you empty and out of breath; his hands ghosted the insides of your thighs. You grabbed at his wrist, begging to be touched again. Carmy climbed on the bed instead, hovering above you, kissing you ferociously.

"Eager?" he teased when you started raising your hips to rub on his jeans.

"Impatient," you replied, trying to wind him up.

It worked - his eyes darkened again.

"Hands above your head," he ordered and you obeyed. He took your shirt off carelessly, your bra was almost spilling out with how forceful he was being but he didn't bother taking it off. The whole thing was angry, urgent, and so fucking hot. Carmy was undoing his belt and you used the pause to scoot backwards, just enough to reach your bedside table.

"Hurry the fuck up!" You threw a condom at him, hitting him square on the face.

Carmy gave you a look that was half exasperation, half amused lust. He unbuttoned his jeans just enough to take his cock out, then threw the empty wrapper back at you. He grabbed your legs and dragged you closer, forcefully, the duvet wrinkling underneath you.

"I swear I'm gonna-"

You didn't let him finish. You fisted the collar of his t-shirt and brought him down to kiss, biting on his lower lip, then soothing with your tongue. You opened your legs wide and tugged at the belt loops of his jeans - there was something arousing about him being almost completely clothed and you being almost naked.

"Fuck me, please, fuck me," you begged into his mouth, way past any sense of pride you had at the beginning of the fight. Carmy wasn't any better, rushing to obey the moment you said it.

"Fucking need it," he groaned as he entered you. It wasn't clear if he was talking about you or him - not that you had time to think about it before he started pounding into you. You felt every inch of Carmy's cock as it went in and out.

"So fucking good," you rasped to the side of his face. It spurred him on and made him go faster and harder - your moans got louder and louder. He covered your mouth with his hand.

"The fucking mouth on you," he mumbled low. You clenched your pussy in retaliation and watched as he rolled his eyes and lost his rhythm. "Holy shit, you're gonna kill me."

You ran your hands under his shirt, tracing the contour of his muscles, feeling them quiver and strain as Carmy tried his damnedest to keep going, one hand on the mattress and the other keeping you quiet. Part of you smiled in satisfaction knowing he was getting tired and wouldn't last.

"Shit. Fuck me," he whined and stopped for a moment, sweating and panting. He finally uncovered your mouth, conceding defeat.

"Want me to take over?" you asked with a chuckle.

Carmy sighed and fell on the mattress beside you. "Still mad at you," he said, the sound pitiful with how hard he was breathing.

"Good to know," you climbed on top of him, straddling, lowering yourself on his cock, making him arch his back with pleasure. "I'm still mad too."

You rode him mercilessly, your hips slamming against his, hands on his chest, his eyes marveling at the bounce of your breasts. You took him right to the edge and left him hanging, the veins of his neck bulging as he groaned in frustration.

You clicked your tongue, swaying gently. "Not coming until I do."

"Yeah?" he arched his eyebrows, taking the challenge for what it was.

His hand moved from gripping your hip to where your bodies connected, his thumb finding your clit and caressing it. Your legs shook involuntarily, a spark going through you.

He grinned.

"Oh, fuck you," you sighed, your neck arched, looking at the ceiling while you bounced on his cock. He knew just what he was doing - making you tremble and moan with every gentle touch.

"Come on," he urged you, meeting your thrusts, fucking into you, hitting your G spot almost by mistake.

"Fuck," you gasped, biting your lip to stop from screaming.

You rode him much faster, something desperate and feral taking over you. Carmy's eyes widened when your walls started fluttering around his cock.

"Are you-? Can I-?" he asked in a choked out voice.

"Yes, yes," you managed to say, squeezing the wrist of the hand that was touching your clit so deliciously as your orgasm started taking over every one of your senses. "Yes, Carmy."

He tensed underneath you, flushed all over, eyes closed, and his lips forming a beautiful 'O'. You stared, waiting patiently for him to open his eyes.

He looked up at you, soft, grateful, a smile curling his lips.

"C'mere," he beckoned you downwards, meeting you with relieved kisses, breathy laughter filling the space between you. He caressed your back, tugging on your bra straps until you were somewhat covered again. The tenderness of the gesture warmed you all over.

"You okay?" Carmy asked and you nodded, nuzzling your nose against his in the process. A pause. "Hey. I am sorry. I was angry and-"

"I know," you fixed his hair, all sweaty and sticking on his forehead. "I'm sorry too."

He kissed your shoulder lovingly.

"I like you being here," he said. "I just- I need time to figure it out. That okay?"

"Yeah," you traced the line of his nose with your finger. "We'll figure it out together, baby."

You kissed him sweetly and he rolled you over to your side.

"I'll go to the thrift store tomorrow," you said, cupping his face. "Buy a desk and shit."

Carmy smiled. "I'll fix the pantry. Put labels on my shit. Make room for your things."

"I think that's the most romantic thing you've said to me," you joked, giggling when he tickled your sides.

"Shut the fuck up!"

He laughed with you, leaving kisses on your face and throat.

~

You woke up to the sound of Carmy talking in his sleep. Most of it was gibberish, quiet mumbles as he thrashed on the bed, the one word you could make out was 'Mikey' - over and over. He winced and let out a pained sound. You got closer and held him, your arm across his chest.

You knew he had nightmares, you'd been there for a couple of them, but sleeping every night with him meant you saw much more of it. It broke your heart how many you had missed, how bad he hurt...

"It's okay, Carmy," you soothed softly. "I'm here, baby, it's okay."

He woke up with a startle, breathing fast.

"Fuck, sorry," he sat up and ran his hands over his face. "Bad dream."

"I know," you waited for him to settle, giving him space.

After a while, he laid back next to you. You moved slowly, gently, touching the side of his face and caressing his hair, calming him down.

"Do you want to talk about it?"

"Uh," Carmy looked up at the ceiling, blinking hard, "there was a fire. Just so much smoke," he cleared his throat. "And, uh, Mike was there." There was a long pause. "Did I ever tell you he planned to set the restaurant on fire?"

"What?" you froze.

He hummed. "To cash the insurance money, you know," he reached for your free hand, intertwining your fingers and bringing them close to his chest; his heart was pounding.

"I'm sorry, Carm," you waited for him to say something but he stayed silent, vacant. "It feels so weird that I never met him."

"Probably for the better, to be honest," he said dryly. There was something dark about the way he said it.

"Hey," you squeezed his hand, trying to ground him. "What'd you like about him?"

"About Mike?" he said looking at you. "Uh- He was warm. He told the best stories, took care of Nat and me, gave the best hugs... A real big brother, you know?"

You nodded.

"Started getting tattoos because of him," he said, flexing his hands to show the ink on them. "He was so cool, and I wanted to be that."

"I think you're pretty cool," you said sweetly, kissing his knuckles.

"Thanks," he said through a sad smile. "Richie says he was all wrong by the end of it..."

"Wrong how?"

"He wasn't warm anymore, he was, uh, like a fryer fire, I guess. His stories didn't make sense. Kept forgetting shit. A mess, you know?"

"Maybe that's why he pushed you away," you said softly. You knew Carmy felt guilty for his time in New York. "He wanted you to remember him like he was before."

"Maybe," he conceded, looking up at the ceiling.

You stayed like that for a while, caressing his arm, tracing lines on his skin.

"Would you-" he said, then stopped.

You turned to face him. "Yes?"

"Would you hold me?" Carmy asked, his blue eyes open and vulnerable.

"Of course," you smiled and shifted on the bed to spoon him, his back to your chest, your arms around him, leaving gentle kisses on his shoulder blade. You could feel his heartbeat settle as he went back to sleep.

"Love you, Carm," you said right before you drifted off.

~

You woke up to the feeling of Carmy kissing your face softly. You hummed, content. When you opened your eyes, the bright light of late morning was all over your bedroom.

"Didn't hear you coming in last night," you said, your voice raspy with sleep.

"Got in late. Bad day," he raised his hand to touch your hair, staring at the way it caught the light. "Nat forced me to take today off."

"That bad?" you asked, a little concerned.

Carmy moved his fingers to the worry lines on your face, soothing.

"Not really. Someone talked about work life balance in her last Al-family meeting and she's all about that shit right now," he smiled. You loved to see how he looked soft with sleep, relaxed for a little while.

"Have I told you I really like her?"

"You might have," he said playfully, then leaned over to kiss you. It was a gentle thing, his lips lazy on yours and his body flushed as he hugged you.

You took his shirt off, not out of lust, just wanting to get more warmth from his skin on yours. You slowly started kissing his tattoos. You liked the ones on his arms and hands; they were familiar, whenever you thought of Carmy it was the image you conjured. But you loved his other tattoos, the ones nobody else saw, the secrets he kept and only shared with you. You left kisses on his shoulder and his chest, running your fingers on the ink on his ribs and right above his hip bone.

"I've missed you, Carm," you confessed.

It had been a hectic couple of weeks. You had barely seen each other, mostly just sleeping on the same bed, saying good night and good morning before each of you left for work.

"Missed you too," he replied.

His hands roamed your body, tugging gently at the fabric of your sleep shirt, helping you out of it, all while kissing you. You melted in his arms, pliant as he rolled you over and started leaving pecks on your skin.

"Carmy," you sighed. His lips left imprints on your jaw, your neck, your collarbone, and your chest. He stayed there, kissing the top of your breasts, the side, the valley between them, and your nipples. Your pulse was racing and you wondered whether he could feel it with his mouth.

"You're so soft," he said, his exhale giving you goosebumps. "Smell so nice."

"You smell nice too, baby," you giggled. Carmy's hair still had a lavender-like scent from his night shower.

"Mmm..."

He kept kissing. Your belly, your hip, the wrinkle that formed between your mound and your thigh. There was something so like devotion in the way that he moved; it wasn't about filling some selfish need to get his dick wet, he wanted you to feel loved.

"C’mere," you called him back up, to kiss his lips fervently, your hands buried in his hair. When you parted, he smiled, his eyes were still sleepy. He looked so comfortable, so soft...

Your hand traced again that tattoo on his hip, then moved downward, to the hair on his navel, and lower, touching him over his boxers. He was half hard, his nose buried in your neck. When he groaned, his chest rumbled against yours.

"So nice," he said. "’m too fucking tired to fuck you like you deserve, though."

Your free hand caressed the back of Carmy's neck, holding him closer.

"Just want you to relax, make you feel good," you whispered, moving the hand on his cock back and forth, slow, loving.

He moaned, then shifted a little on the bed. You didn't realize why he was moving until his hand snaked its way inside your shorts.

"Oh," you squirmed a little at the feeling of his fingers.

"Too cold?" Carmy asked.

"No, it's okay," you leaned to kiss him. "It's okay," you repeated.

You kept on touching and kissing, everything in that sort of clumsy haze, one of your legs over his. You needed this: being with him without the rush of being late, no urgency, no fucking as fast as you could before Carmy had to run to the restaurant. You had all the time in the world - you could count the freckles on his face and stare at the blue in his eyes as he mumbled sweet nothings into the morning air.

His free hand touched your wrist, guiding it to the head of his cock, the sluggish rhythm you had set just enough to make him roll his eyes and kiss you hard, drowning a whine against your lips as he released.

"Love you so much," Carmy mumbled.

You kissed the side of his face. "I love you, I love you," your voice came out choked and high.

Without you noticing, the constant massaging between your folds had built up too. You came with a long exhale, closing your eyes for a moment, lightly squeezing his side.

"Wanna stay here forever," he said after a while of just looking at you and caressing your back.

"Just sleeping and fucking all day," you replied tiredly.

"I'd like that."

~

[Deleted Scene]

[Part 8]

~

@th3h0nkz @faephoria @wadupppp

#reader moves in with carmy; shenanigans ensue! #it's three separate days/nights in case it wasn't clear lol #carmy x reader #carmen berzatto x reader #carmy berzatto x reader #carmen berzatto fanfiction #carmen berzatto x you #carmy berzatto x you #carmy x you #carmy berzatto smut

[cemeterything]

Oh my god stop fucking romanticising the Laika story. I'm sick and tired of you people glorifying the life and death of what was a completely normal dog who was horrifically abused and went through unimaginable suffering at human hands. She is not the patron saint of anything she was just a dog who experienced great cruelty. It could have been any dog. If they killed your dog by overheating and suffocating you wouldn't be saying this same shit. You actually make me feel sick lol. She wasn't a hero or the protagonist of some great story, she was a victim. The only reason you're even remotely interested in her is bc she was abused. Disgusting

i understand your anger and respect it, because clearly you see this in a different way than i do, but please consider that maybe a fellow abuse victim would relate to and want to give the memory of another abuse victim meaning and power. consider that it's not suffering that's being celebrated, but the memory of a victim who could have been any dog, but was Laika, and deserves to be acknowledged as such. consider that me making that post about her is because i want to mourn the sacrifice she was given no choice in making and not let it be forgotten. i don't love her because she's a victim or for the sacrifice she was forced to make. i love her because she was alive and she existed and that should have been enough. i love her so that her memory endures and she is not consigned to history as nothing more than a stepping stone in the name of progress. i love her because we have both been hurt and had decisions made on our behalves that weren't in our own best interests or even considered us and what we would be made to endure at all, and nobody loved us enough to step in and say "no" and stop it. i love her because i am angry and afraid and have suffered and seen others suffer and i refuse to be defined by that suffering and fear and anger alone. you can disagree with how i express that, but don't assume that you know me or my reasons simply because they don't fit your own expectations, and don't make it my problem that you made up a guy to be mad at and attached my name to him.

#🐉 #laika #animal death #animal cruelty #maybe this is harsh. but i dont like it when people assume the worst of me.