#and instead of brick theyre steel now

[spearcast]

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#tw vent #vent in tags #to delete later #i really wish i hadnt convinced myself that the server hated me earlier this year #i really wish i could stop convincing myself people hate me when they probably dont #i just feel like an inconvenience and like everyone would be better off without me #even on my good days i just dont feel worth it #and i truly have convinced myself im not. worth the time or effort so whatever people spare for me i dont deserve #and i dont want to talk about my feelings bc i dont want to bother anyone or burden them and i know to be close with someone they willingly- #-accept that burdens will happen and they willingly take on even the worst parts of you but #im still behind 800 walls that i dont know how to break down #and the ones i had broken through went right back up when THAT happened in feb/march #and instead of brick theyre steel now #and i cant talk about ocs or self inserts or my creative projects or myself or my feelings or my future #without tearing up bc i!!! i am so scared of being vulnerable #that i isolate and push people away bc i feel like thats what i deserve; that ppl deserve better than what little i have to offer #and that i deserve to suffer and be alone #and i just. keep repeating the same horrible cycles and i cant break them and im #i dont. fuck #i dont want to see my birthday!!!!!! i dont!!!!!!!!!!! and i hate that!!!!!!! #i cant even say that my younger self would be proud of us i think she would just be sad #that this is what ive come to #a dumb frightened unlovable creature stuffed behind walls sitting in the dark #a monster in the core of a labrynth i wont even let people into #i hate this