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nanstgeorge · 3 years

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“little garden” implications

starting to think that “little garden” = fandom elain and this was sjm’s way of subtly tackling how she has been reduced to her hobbies and overlooked by characters & the fandom for her traditionally feminine characteristics. this has even led some people to determine her possible endgames (ex; lucien and tamlin) for the series just because she likes gardening. not because she has expressed interest in them, but because she likes gardening so that automatically means she must end up with someone associated with flowers.

im not opposed to elain somehow taking over spring court or ending up with lucien (if the story convinces me lmao) but there’s an issue with sticking her there just because it seems like it works. like elain residing at spring court has been a popular fan theory since the beginning of the series but every book that has been released only seems to disprove it even more? she has never explicitly said she wanted to live there, even chosen a life for herself at night court, but fans and the inner circle just took this idea and ran.

“But Elain.... The Sprint Court had been made for someone like her.” (Nesta)

“Elain in black was ridiculous. Yes, she was beautiful, but the color of her long-sleeved, modest gown leeched the brightness from her face. It wore her, rather than the other way around. And he knew the cruelty of the Hewn City troubled her. But she hadn’t hesitated to come. When Feyre had offered to let her remain home, Elain had squared her shoulders and declared that she was a part of this court—and would do whatever was needed. So Elain had let her golden-brown hair down tonight, and pinned it back with twin combs of pearl. He’d never once in the two years he’d known her found Elain to be plain, but wearing black, no matter how much she claimed to be part of this court … It sucked the life from her.” (Cassian)

i’d say that it’s arguable whether or not nesta truly has an accurate depiction of elain now that we have a more in-depth portrait of nesta’s mind and childhood. of course this was not cultivated by nesta herself, with much help from her mother, but elain is still a child to nesta. a child who is a bartering tool between her and her disfigured dynamic with feyre. a child who is a reminder of her own insecurities. essentially, this quote from acosf sums it up, “nesta made her own choices, but our mother laid the ground work.”

“Elain is pleasant to look at, but she has no ambition. She does not dream beyond her garden and pretty clothes. She will be an asset on the marriage market for us one day, if that beauty holds, but it will be our own maneuverings, Nesta, not hers, that win us an advantageous match” (Mama Archeron)

“It doesn’t matter what I think. Go back to Feyre and your little garden.”

Elain, sweet and oblivious.

Elain was like a dog, loyal to whatever master kept her fed and in comfort.

But to let Elain involve herself, jeopardize her safety—

“Look who decided to grow claws after all. Maybe you’ll become interesting at last, Elain.”

“Always defending sweet, innocent Elain.”

Challenge filled each word. Challenge—from Elain, of all people.

Elain stepped closer, brown eyes wide. Undoubtedly wholly convinced of her own innocence, her innate goodness.

Elain had accepted his death as inevitable. She hadn’t bothered to fight for him, as if he hadn’t been worth the effort, precisely as Nesta knew she herself wasn’t worth the effort.

It was inevitable, Nesta supposed, stomach churning. She was the monster. Why shouldn’t the two of them band together and shove her out? Even if she’d foolishly believed that Elain had always seen every horrible part of her and decided to stick by her anyway.

now onto feyre, who has always had a softer but different opinion of elain. this doesn’t mean it’s accurate to how elain is or was, but it’s safe to say that this was an opinion that wasn’t stemmed out of their mother’s mind. this is not to villainize nesta, but merely explain how elain was never made out to only be a “pretty face” to feyre. but of course it’s important to remember that she isn’t scotch free for how she acted in their childhood.

It wasn’t that Elain was cruel. She wasn’t like Nesta, who had been born with a sneer on her face. Elain sometimes just … didn’t grasp things. It wasn’t meanness that kept her from offering to help; it simply never occurred to her that she might be capable of getting her hands dirty.

Perhaps buried it a bit, but she was generous, loving, and kind—a woman I found myself proud to know, to call sister.

Elain mouthed my name but kept cowering, kept her head down.

Elain, who had been gentle and sweet.

I had not painted in years at that point, had not dared spend the money on myself … But Elain had.

She had looked at that cottage with hope; I had looked at it with nothing but hatred. And I knew which one of us had been stronger.

“She loves her garden. Always loved growing things. Even when we were destitute, she managed to tend a little garden in the warmer months. And when—when our fortune returned, she took to tending and planting the most beautiful gardens you’ve ever seen. Even in Prythian. It drove the servants mad, because they were supposed to do the work and ladies were only meant to clip a rose here and there, but Elain would put on a hat and gloves and kneel in the dirt, weeding. She acted like a purebred lady in every regard but that.”

nesta and feyre both have two different feelings regarding elain but they are similar in that they both believe she needs to be protected. it’s pretty clear when elain reminds them of how they only thought of her trauma when it affected them.

“Elain was right. We’ve become so focused on how her trauma impacted us that we forget she was the one who experienced it.” (Feyre)

quite honestly, it’s the inner circle members who are aware of elain’s potential and look at her as not defenseless compared to her sisters. this of course makes it’s quite ironic that she’s used as “pawn” to get nesta to stick her neck out. moving on, it’s specifically azriel, who is someone she chose to create a bond with and probably knows her best. cassian also may be someone who considers elain to not truly belong to night court but does shift his opinion on her overall character.

“Including Elain, who is more than capable of defending herself against the darkness of the Trove, if she chooses to. Don’t underestimate her.” (Amren, oops)

“Nesta was wrong, Cassian realized, to think of Elain as loyal and loving as a dog. Elain saw every single thing Nesta had done, and understood why.” (Cassian)

“I think she’s kind, and I’ll take kindness over nastiness any day. But I also don’t think we’ve seen all she has to offer.” (Rhys)

rhysand is also someone who slowly begins to see elain in a different light as well as feyre by the end of the book. in fact, it takes rhys expressing his opinion of elain, as someone who didn’t grow up with her, for feyre to see things differently. it takes rhys, who brings back up the first description of elain in the series, for feyre to recollect another element of elain.

“It wasn’t meanness that kept her from offering to help; it simply never occurred to her that she might be capable of getting her hands dirty.” (Feyre, ACOTAR)

“Don’t forget that gardening often results in something pretty, but it involves getting one’s hands dirty along the way.” (Rhys, ACOSF Bonus)

“Have you ever seen Elain act like that before?”

“No. I mean, she’s been brave when she had to be, but she’s never been confrontational.”

“Maybe she’s never been given a chance to be that way.”

“You think I stifle her?”

“Not you alone. But I wonder if everyone has spent so long assuming Elain is sweet and innocent that she felt she had to be that way or else she’d disappoint you all.”

in conclusion, elain is a character who’s journey is yet to be complete. the first real choice she had was to not hunt for the family but essentially, she’s been deprived of real choice and independence her entire life. besides being pretty and marrying well, not much has ever been expected of her until she left the garden of her childhood and planted her own. while she may have been turned against her will, elain found solace in dedicating her attention towards the garden in the archeron mansion, night court and all those who resided there. gardening and growing things is something she chose; not something that was inflicted upon her (such as a mating bond.)

elain does not belong somewhere or with someone because she gardens. we have seen countless times over that she can make her own place anywhere but she chose to make a home at night court.

#this is just a rant with quotes lmao #acotar #elain archeron #pro elain archeron #pro elain #anti elucien #a court of thorns and roses

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amjustagirl · 3 years

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Hi jie!!

I absolutely won't deny that "Dream Catcher" is my favourite! Part of me wants to shove it near people's faces and say "READ IT!!!" While other part of me wants to keep it as a little secret. The reader was... adorable!! Finding joy in little things, looking for happiness in other people's smiles, living her life spontaneously, slowly falling in love with dusty books and old poetry, blue eyes that see the constellations with love, soft calm voice... She even made Akaashi do the things he wouldn't do normally (because you only live once)!! She was protective and caring towards her younger brother... just like I am towards my sisters. I usually don't care if they tear the building down with their shenanigans, but if any harmful situations come, I will not hesitate to throw hands!! And the career choice!! I was reading about myself!! Truly!!

Now to "The sea of flowers in bloom"... I literally felt embarrassed with how accurately awkward the reader is. Because... same here! And when she was hoping that Kita was in love with her whenever he was treating her well, (he most probably is in love with her) reminded me of my high school self and my crushes. Whatever the hell they did, I was like "That made me fall in love!!" 😅

Then the part when she was left broken and then fixed herself up... most relatable part. All my life I looked for validation and acceptance from other people. I was always scared of what people thought of me. I never thought I did good or enough, unless someone said so. I was looking for someone who thought I was good enough. Then I found someone when I turned 18. He loved me dearly, loved me for who I was. Almost a year later, my family came to know about this and they weren't happy. (I'm not allowed to date and there was a slight class difference) they told me they wouldn't accept it. Then I, the meek girl who never dared to ask for an extra piece of candy or even something smaller, stood straight and told them to give him a chance with trembling voice. They didn't. That hurt. But what hurt most was, he stopped putting real effort. Because he was scared of his family. He was seeing me, talking to me regularly, but when I asked about what to do in future about this situation, he was like "let's see what happens."

That completely shattered me. I was here almost getting disowned by my family, and he was suggesting to go with the flow. Once he asked if we could elope. When I said I can't leave my sisters and can't ruin my future, he wasn't happy. At one point it started to hurt whenever I talked to him or saw him. My efforts were one-sided. I got depressed, distracted... Then I broke up with him. I had to put myself forward. I can't just keep him around for seeking validation. I had to convince myself, no one else's acceptance wouldn't be enough, if I don't accept myself. If I can't love myself, it's futile to look for love from other people. It took time. But eventually I managed to stand up. I started to love myself, prioritise my mental peace over other things, started to gain back the self confidence little by little... it was an interesting journey 😊

I rambled too much!! I'm sorry!! Have a nice day!!

sadia meimei!

first of, i genuinely am so so glad that you're in a better place right now. im not unfamiliar to the pressures you faced (i have indian / pakistani / bangladeshi friends) and i know from their stories that it's just so very difficult to navigate familial expectations, esp when it comes to marriage, so i just wanna give you a huge hug. im v humbled that you've decided to share your story with me, and you're a warrior in your own right, i hope you know that, and i just wanna wish you nothing but happiness and light going forward <3

thank you for loving the reader in dream catcher! i'm like...amazed at the amount of analysis and the little details you caught that i thought only i as the idiotic, neurotic writer would notice cos it's my own work! but yeah - she's meant to teach akaashi how to dream and catch his dreams (HAHA the title dream catcher has so many layers tbh i cld go on and on) and see and appreciate the little things in life, all while defending her brother and home and yeah, i really love her, and i love that i've rediscovered my love for my own character through your eyes, if that makes sense, so thank you!

oh, the sea of flowers in bloom reader.... i wrote her and even i am proud of that woman HAHA, just like im proud of you and the journey that you've been on and come out so so much stronger. she's awkward and lovelorn and funny and fumbling around - and aren't we all?

anyways - i'm rambling too long here myself, so i just wanna end off by giving you a huge hug and reminding you that for what it's worth, this internet jiejie is incredibly proud of you.

#Nikki chats!#Sadia<3 #dream catcher #a sea of flowers in bloom

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houseki-no-suffering · 5 years

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so since your the almighty one everyone comes to to theorize things i'm here with somethin of curiosity. i've seen people before mention that if cinnabar went with phos or was least involved in all of this none of this whole disaster would've happen. your thoughts? and how right or wrong do ya think this assumption is? ljksfljksf just curious lol.

thanks for the trust, im just a nerd with a blog.

Talking if’s and but’s is fun for speculation’s sake but take whatever im about to say with a few grains of salt because these are just farfetched hypothesis. also sorry this came out super long, im very verbose when it comes to shinsha

I’ve touched on the subject of Shinsha going to the moon with Phos a few times (like here), but I think its important to determine when, exactly, Shinsha would come with Phos.

Are we speaking of a completely different timeline, one where Phos asked Shinsha to become their partner since the very beginning? If that’s the case, I cant really see Phos becoming interested in finding the truth about Sensei or the lunarians and the two would keep on being good friends until one of them was abducted or someone else decided to embark on a journey to unveil the truth.

Are we speaking of a timeline where Shinsha accepts to go to the moon in chapter 52? That’s a tricky one because Cinnabar had pretty strong reasons to refuse to go. Maybe im just very paranoid about characterization, even if this is not fanfic, but it would be very out of character of them to come with Phos and put aside their pride for the umpteenth time, after Phos used them and brushed them off over and over during the years.

I think that the reason why people say that if Cinnabar went with Phos this whole disaster (the rift btw moon and earth gems, the night raid and Phos becoming a war criminal) wouldn’t have happened is because Cinnabar has always been good at channeling Phos’ chaos.

What Cinnabar brought to Phos’ personality was direction, caution and insight. It is not by chance that, the second Phos could no longer rely on Shinsha for counsel, things rapidly escalated toward madness.

The last of Phos and Cinnabar’s conversations happens in chapter 61, way too late to mend things: Phos should have talked with cinnabar sooner, but under Lapis’ influence and crescent grief they were growing colder and more impatient and they never understood Cinnabar enough to know that Shinsha was truly interested in helping them. Phos hurt Cinnabar for the last time in chapter 52, proving Cinnabar once more that they were not the right person to help Cinnabar and that Shinsha’s trust had been misplaced. Their last conversation, in chapter 61, can be nothing else than a disaster.

I’ve written a whole meta on how Shinsha was about to shake Phos’ outstretched hand. If Phos didn’t take back their offer, Shinsha would have come with them to the moon.

To mend things and have Shinsha come with Phos, then, we’d have to change an important line of dialogue like the one where phos takes back their offer (“can we go together?… or so I’d like to say”) and/or when phos pretends not to hear shinsha when cinnabar asks them to please not go.

we gotta make it so that either shinsha swallows their pride and explains things to phos, or phos doesnt pretend they didnt hear them.

Now, I’ll give myself and other Shinsha stans out there a moment to contemplate the fact that we were robbed of Shinsha in lunarian clothes, as well as the fact that we were robbed of the amazing and heartfelt dialogue that would have followed phos hearing cinnabar’s plea and listening to them. This manga is so cruel, truly.

With Shinsha on Phos’ side, im gonna explore two possible scenarios among dozens that might have happened:

Canon divergence 1:

Shinsha and Phos go to the moon alone following that alternative dialogue in chapter 52. This means that the first time phos goes to the moon, cinnabar is with them.

for this plan to work, phos probably doesnt need cairn’s complicity. i imagined cinnabar and phos could be abducted in a scene reminiscing of chapter 2, when they first meet and cinnabar saves phos.

on the moon, phos is not alone to face the truth of the dusted gems, they’re not alone to listen to aechmea’s explanations and lies and they’re not alone bargaining with aechmea. cinnabar is shrewd and attentive, patient, smart, and they always advised phos well. add to this the fact that, since they agreed on coming to the moon together, these two dumbasses finally made a few steps toward proper communication.

as the power team ive always known they can be, shinsha and phos balance each other pretty well. i can see shinsha convincing phos to stay on the moon longer to learn more about the truth (phos only stayed 2 months the first time). Assuming that Shinsha doesn’t accept (pls don’t accept) to have someone suppress their poison (assuming its something the lunarians can do), their mercury is a pretty strong weapon and it could give them some bargaining power over the moon people.

also im not sure how the pearl eye thing would work: to control them effectively, aechmea would need to implant a spy on both shinsha and phos, but would he be afraid of their mercury? after all it’s something even lunarians have “a hard time” healing padpa from after the night raid. so let’s give divergence!Shinsha self-confidence points for finding out their mercury is cool and good.

now things start to become really different from canon. shinsha is considered reliable by the earth gems, so with two gems rather than only phos to advocate for the moon people’s cause, the earth gems might be more prone to believe them and phos might not need to pull off their rebellion thing.

which means no rift between moon and earth gems, which means no cairnmea arc, no night raid, no nearly-dead padpa and no to at least a dozen new emotional traumas for our phos.

i wish i could be more precise than this, but at this point the story could develop in so many directions that i’d leave it to your own imagination. my biggest point of concern is phos becoming human. if they dont acquire the pearl eye they wont be human enough to activate sensei and that would be a huge problem.

Canon divergence 2:

Shinsha follows Phos to the moon the second time Phos goes(chapter 62). this makes less sense character-wise, but I’m gonna explore this option anyway because it allows me to include other gems as well.

Cinnabar’s judgment is trusted, they’re smart. If Shinsha decided to come, other gems might follow their example, like Rutile. Rutile wanted to go and they’re friends with Cinnabar. They might gloss over their attempt to ask for Sensei’s permission if Shinsha guarantees for Phos’ plan. However, if Rutile comes, Padparadscha will stay on earth (as Rutile says in chapter 62). Even if Padpa came to the moon, they would be under Rutile’s influence and/or they’d have to take Rutile’s feelings into account. It’s possible that they would have less room to operate freely.

If Padpa and Rutile come, a lot of other gems could follow. To the point it would be hard to keep the escape a secret. The rift between moon and earth gems could run deeper than in Canon: worst case scenario there could be a fight between the two groups, best case scenario the two groups talk it out and some gems decide to trust Phos while others stay on earth. Cairn is a wild card whose behavior im not entirely sure about. Its possible that they would simply not follow Phos if Phos already had a partner with them (Shinsha) and we’d be spared the whole cairnmea arc and if that’s not something worth celebrating I don’t know what is.

Once again, if Shinsha is with Phos, they’ll push Phos to think before they act. They could help Phos strengthen their position as leader and use their mercury to give the gems some bargaining power over the moon people. I can see Shinsha acting a little like Amethyst 84: interested in the moon, maybe more wary, cold, objective…

The night raid would not necessarily be the failure it was. Shinsha would be on Phos’ side and spare Phos the emotional trauma they woke up to in chapter 72, when they realized that Cinnabar, the one person they thought a friend, attacked them. With Phos and Padpa’s strength, numbers and Shinsha’s mercury on their side, the moon gems would win. Earth and moon gems could finally talk and solve the problem.

The question is whether Phos was human enough during the night raid. If they asked Sensei to pray, would he activate already? Otherwise, everyone’s efforts would be in vain and the earth gems could assume the others lied or maybe aechmea could decide to turn everyone to dust and implement yet another plan.

soooo to sum this up: yeah, i do think that if cinnabar came with phos a lot of drama could have been avoided. maybe not all of it, maybe new drama would have ensued, but that’s life. still, it would have been very out of character both for phos and for cinnabar to go together to the moon. and ichikawa would never give up the cairnmea arc.

#houseki no kuni #land of the lustrous #hnk #cinnabar #phosphophyllite #pinktatertots99 #meta #kinda #at times like this im reminded that i am but cinnabar trash and i always will be #i miss the times when they used to be a relevant character #we would get full chapters about them #god #that sounds unreal #the things you take for granted #thanks for the question tho it was p fun to speculate about

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jjkfire · 5 years

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update 4/27/21:

I'm working at a startup so it's extremely busy. but I love my job! i am trying to find the time to fit writing in my schedule tho. gonna figure it out someday lol. my stories are not abandoned, don't worry. all the endings and plot points have been planned. i'm just struggling to find the time to write atm. still very grateful for all the kind words and support you guys have given me over the years. hope all of you are out there living your best lives, exploring, learning, and finding joy in all the little things 😊 join my tag list (read the instructions pls) to get notified when I update my fics!

previous big update:

hello! i know i’ve been sort of mia but… it’s been an absolutely chaotic time for me.

the (long) story goes a little something like this:

earlier this year during spring break, i had friends who convinced me to give america a shot and apply for jobs after grad. i really didn’t want to because the visa process is a pain and it costs a lot. also, not a lot of companies want to hire internationals so it’s very demoralizing to receive a million rejections… but my friends are very persuasive people lol.

so it was super hectic during the last few months I had in the country as i tried to get through the visa process, study, work, beef up my resume, apply for jobs and graduate at the same time. (i understand that a ton of people have to do this too… but it’s hard y’all). anyway, one Medium article, one cold email, and a number of grueling interviews later, i found out i got a job!

now i just had to convince my parents… this was actually in all honesty, the most stressful part. i love them to death but my father really made it feel like i was choosing between my family and a job and ngl i cried myself to sleep on the regular. in the end, he finally gave me the okay to take the job but i know he’s still very upset. that’s honest to god the worst part. (my mum’s been super supportive tho so i guess that’s the silver lining in all of this!)

prior to getting the job though, I was really in limbo. I had returned to my home country because I and by extension, my parents, were not confident that i was going to be able to land a job in the US. I was very confused because I was neither here nor there. I was interviewing with the american company from my home country, trying my best to make sure they’d still be interested in me as a candidate no matter how many hurdles there were. then, to ensure that I had a safety net, I was also doing interviews locally and sending out resumes whenever I could. I was exhausted. and I know everyone goes through the job hunt so it’s equally as exhausting for everyone but yeah it was not a fun time.

anyway so now that I took that job in america i gotta move halfway across the world again, but this time without financial support and i don’t know… maybe this is the first time i’ll be truly independent and ya im seconds away from shittin myself. really gotta put on my big girl pants and try to not be broke yeet yeet.

but uhh that’s the low down on why i haven’t been able to write much at all…….. and yeah! working on it tho… haha always working on it.

to end all of this, I just want to say that I’m super lucky to have all of you. I basically got the job because of that article I wrote. I know I sound like a broken record talking about my article over and over but I dunno I guess all of this is just a little wild to me ahah.

I owe a lot of my confidence in my writing to all of you. I personally think my writing improved bc of this blog and the support you guys give me is… unreal (“: I know it may seem insignificant to some of you to reblog/like and comment on a fic but it really spurs me creatively and makes me feel sort of confident about my writing. all of that is probably why I didn’t think twice about hitting that post button on my article. although it’s a very different type of writing… I don’t know it’s just knowing that my writing is worth something… knowing that my writing is worth taking 5 minutes out of your day to read, is pretty cool and you guys kind of gave me that! (i am in no way saying that my writing is the best thing on earth. far from it. but i think you guys understand what i’m trying to say!)

so in some way, you guys helped me get a job! nice work team hahahah. also, also i just want to say, never give up. I decided I wanted to try my luck at the American job market maybe around the end of March and graduation was in early May. so I had about more or less a month to do something. I knew I needed a way to set myself apart from everyone else because my gpa wasn’t stellar and I hadn’t had any internships in America. not to mention the fact that I was an international student hence it was even harder to get hired. so basically, why would a company pick me over the next person? I thought perhaps knowing how to code was the way to give myself an edge so I learned some basic python and sql but then I realized there wasn’t really an impressive project I could attempt within that short time frame and I also knew far too little to do anything anyway. this meant that I was back at square one.

so, I switched gears instead. I sat down and really thought about what I could do. I concluded that at the very least, I could write. I knew I could write so I needed something that I could use along with my writing and I was like… it’s gotta be data! knowing that, I picked up the basics on how to use Tableau and I also picked up VBA macros in excel (if you don’t know what this is… I think you should Google it. it will literally blow your mind. excel can do a lot more than you can imagine). Then, I picked what I wanted to write my article on, got the data I needed from google trends, used vba macros to make the calculations faster, used tableau to make charts based on the data and photoshop to spice up the charts and etc. I did my research in the meantime as well and had a rough plan on what I was going to write about. after this, it was all systems go and it went a little like this:

wrote the article. attached my charts. linked the links. hit that post button. applied to all the jobs & companies that I thought would see value in what I did and can do. got rejected many times. felt discouraged. did more searching on companies that were willing to hire internationals. decided to send a cold email to a company. ACTUALLY HEARD BACK. went through multiple interviews. ACTUALLY GOT THE JOB.

so guys, never give up. recognize your strengths and build around that. if you think you don’t have any strengths, look harder. if you still feel you don’t have any, make the effort to learn something. it’s never too late for anything. I did all of that in one month and 10 days (the learning stuff and writing the article thing I mean). always be open to learning. I say this so much irl that my friends are sick of it but in this day and age with the internet, you can literally learn anything. so please, learn. learn for fun, learn for whatever reason. learn anything. you’ll never know when it’ll come in handy. like my basic Photoshop that I learned just so I could make a header for my blog… literally used that skill for the graphics in my article lol.

anyway, you can achieve a lot more than you think you can. you just gotta throw caution to the wind and do your own thing. be determined, be proactive. if things aren’t going the way you think it should be, do something to change that. you are all amazing and capable of great things! I hope you all know that. my mum always said if you never try, you’ll never know. don’t be afraid, don’t stop to think about what other people will think of you. keep doing you. people doubt you enough so don’t add to that. keep your head held high and keep moving forward.

once again I want to thank you guys for being sort of a support system for me! every comment, nice ask and sweet message has brought me this far. i really mean it (’: always be nice and supportive my sweet dumplings. your words truly have impact!

#very long essay...#it's a very long ramble i know ): but it feels so good to vent here #ramblin

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triumphorce · 5 years

Text

under stars that feel as far as

real does..

at the moment.

at any moment..

kidnap me.

any chance presented

& in moments prior.

spent alone

zone.

far from progress.

stasis,

stationed next to

hope & regret.

on either side.

stamina. breathe now

to breathe more.

no free will.

i got to survive.

i got to make it,

especially if i just change aim

change rim-height,

relate with reality

change chin height,

keep head up,

lower expectations

keep pen up.

can’t make shit up,

so i make this shit up

dig deep, drain soon as i wake up

from sleep, or conscious nap..

break up

buildup

of words

that

feel

millions.

euphoric

ultimatum;

write,

or just

waste.

can’t wait

to post, create.

post haste

long ass roads that really dont have

an end, or means to.

I just become more of

whatever comes;

whatever emotions

i allow;

however

i react;

whoever,wherever,

when tf ever

‘cause all i am

is now, here.

a little more conscious..

that’s it.

&the more i remember,

the more i forget.

gotta pick and choose.

careful.

careful, please.

carefully

cut ties, choose way

‘cause by the time it's time to remember

new knew's

once was' just can’t keep up

and i accidentally

delete something

important,

or distort it..

gotta

slow down

life...

ssssshhheesh

i once was in less pieces,

&I at least, once, knew peace, but didn’t know it,

more than likely still do

staring at sky blue.

so blue..

eyes find it soothes

waiting on.

bus late.

contemplating, mind rages

sea

lost in deep

hue pool

sharp, wind wrapping body.

waitin on,

waiting on.

contemplating. gone.

daydreamin way thru life.

thru the little things

i always belittled.

cause I thought I had what i needed. or what I had was mine to keep.

...just because.

i need a little more somethin

a little more new, more original stop cliches, tropes,& archetypes in general

droll,

repetition equals learning, well i'll just lurn-less

beg to differ, by beggin questions, even when forced to tread slow,&only do so in head.

we’re all middlemen.

just fiddlin’

‘round in world,

in universe,

riddled withh riddles,

that

trickle,

drip

complex

descent

from cognitive

beginnings.

ephemeral glimpses of outside-nighttime-world,

through blinds in bed, as a child to now, still just as far from.

as far as real feels.

feelin nothing like how I do now.

but pain passes,

so it just must be my brain's capacity for trust shrank. & elaborates time taken for to cross neural pathways,

not get lost, and make it back safe save, all at the same time, while i attempt to ignore age

pay mind solely to the idea i can do, &I don't have to prove.

to become honest, so potential growth is optimum to be one with me, and know I can't ever be anything but and no idea is ever done, no matter finished, no grey matter greyer, no more dr. bender's, no more directions, no more winners, reflect on self, &what it means-to be better, i deflect defects w/ skylark teeth,

a truer sense of.. truth

a higher level basic

newfound fundamentals

that all the world and creation in it,

then, now, or later

are truly small

no life was ever finished

nobody wants to give it up,but we learn to

and as a consequence return to world what we wish to see beyond our existence

to find trust again love again feel again believe again hurry up, clock's tickin

get it, grind look and find get inspired go inspire go perspire run a mile two three four

five seconds six seconds

gotta go for it gotta get better,

never listen only instrumentalz for me

in a room aspire to be able to define my every rhyme and reason behind thoughts had,

itchin to stay consistent, keep on writing and don't worry about why, keep on filing tomes of dreams, ordering guides to self, from one idea to a whole library of shit I did,

like,

"oh, damn kid, you wrote that?"

damn right I did.

conversations that I have in my head

while I reread pieces

an elixir, a pensive remedy

for when I feel reluctant toward

reality, when in reality

it's really just the people around me that I trusted, busted ass for, gave up past for filled up gigabytes, sticky notes, notepads for designed a whole world for,

put off parties, friends, a part of me I never gave a chance for. became an outcast for. put on mask for.

to be compared and not contrasted warned and not encouraged critiqued but not heard

made me want

to tell, create a story and not give a damn about glory.

although i worry how i come off..sometimes..

made me

change style time after time for some time, now..

made me have

to boost own confidence, own own ego; inflate like raft, & float to shore,

common ground with action &

focused on

how I'm amounting in life.

..apparently

im just climbing up invisible

mountains

but i don't let it make or break me,

used to,

but no more ,& nowit's just me.

&that's just crazy..

so im focused

on how im a mountain lion to moles tryna troll, but most the time, tho I'm...focused on settling score with where I've failed

& failed to respond to failure well

let go

of initiative, hung to anger

in orbit around regret towards doors left unopened, words unspoken to people gone, that could've changed life, if only They could hear these thoughts.. if only I had someone to talk to besides myself, & people that talk to high-five themselves; given approval never sought, advice for battles never fought, in a room for most of youth, stuck in head, so much to see, explore lore of stories never written, so much done even before i decided to pick pen up, before i decided I was ready for commitment decisions in head turn to an every 5 minute thing,

stuck in holes deeper than before

tell-tale signs around sub-subconscious that Im chasin nothin..

apparitions..

in front of people

waitin somethin fierce

for me to

summon what's already there

a mirror image of miracle from thinnest air from holes put in life for pride in pages of jumbled thoughts gaps in memories for drafts that define ironic, describing fine lines I believe are there, in thinnest mirror, between me and experience in eyes that remind me i am less, i am more i am worse, i am better everything in between all and nothing, not objective, but an object capable of observation, own purpose assigned no more worth than yours, no more than I have dealt my self chances missed to live for product tossed or lost in the end

x's & lines through a mind confused, backspaces scribbles procrastinating daily, delaying the inevitable, staring at.. ...coffee steam and letters linked in ink curves and ink in nerves

on nights only sleep's deferred as vivid as yesterdays and scenes in head of tomorrows mixed in with skips in consciousness obvious options almost always missed second guesses linger in gut like wtf

what the fuck am i doing everyday, if I don't contribute to future

to believe, or not to believe i was in control of will was the whole problem let go of all it hone on goals. fly low, that is...

as far a stretch as breath of desire to contribute to the world believing if chance exists, i will succeed I will fulfill promises thru notepads & audience

a caged bird singing

do or do not.

seems all I've done is try, it seems to try isnt good enough, seems what they want from me wasn't what I was told they want, which is for me to want from me & instead what they want to see is what they want to see

me to become this and not my own, no matter how many hours spent, no matter the font, text, or etiquette formed to gain attention, but apparently a proper use of improper use of prose prospered overtime & i kept my posture, keep me from losing self, going crazy, letting people make me think something's not okay, or wrong with me, or out of whack off top, not taken seriously

priorities of the majority of society made it difficult to captivate eyes, and garner respect, because of conflictive internal contradictions to set out for what I thought was spreading message, but was embedding judgment of self, & effort, looking at motives that been made a home in heart like they suspect, but they was who fucked with me when I wouldn't even fuck with me, wanna be someone else, something else, like what you want clave?

to wait for mine..

psh, nnn’eh, thinking I was good enough to be taken seriously ..

thinking there was nothing to do, but to do, but something changed course, one day,

one day atta time

thinking that I was right behind, could just lift up arm and touch but that wasn't the case, ever, constant race

couldn't hold on, couldn't hide the pain to psyche out greatest opponent, me

didn't want to, saw no point

repeating and repeating, over and again

so on and so forth, thus forth destroying self convinced I couldn't help it and still am

and still can't

accept I ever gave in, broke under pressure, buckled under what some would chuckle over, no pity, just recognition of jimity's petition to push when pushed, with thoughts into written gale force, in a position to always hope, so when foundation crumbles, there's another one up under

if not, I use earth to wander.

whether with excess of momentum or subsiding in subtle realization of sustenance behind life's work

purpose on course set to find reward I'm told I'm looking for..

fin

#poem #dps #clavevesari

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foralwaysinallways-blog · 7 years

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&& another one bites the dust..

Okay, so remember how MyDude played You Are Not The One by The Grouch the other day? Yea, well, it doesn’t end there, actually.. See, idk if you recall but when the song bit went down, MyDude and I were en route to drop Dre n Jackie off at Hunter’s apartment, on our way to the clinic that morning. Yea, well.. it wasn’t too long after MyDude played that excruciatingly hurtful song at me, that Jackie ran a her low-key batting her lashes bit at MyDude- gushing over every other song err artist that he chose to put on. Then proceeding on to go back n forth with him about who they have seen live && gushing all over every single one he shared. All from the backseat where she sat bitch next to Dre who was behind MyDude. Then as we got to their stop, they came up to a low-key dramatic situation that was shittiest for Jackie, having gotten into a big built up fight with Hunter the day before + her ex bestie, MissMe.inaction whom fucks with Dre, I guess, was also there && completely outa no where she all of the sudden starts persistently pushing to get MyDude to go inside with she and Dre, completely refusing NickBlunten’s eager offer to go up with them for her. But no, she aggressively insisted that she be accompanied by MYDUDE.. && you know i can’t even beg, guilt err bribe MyDude to back me up in similar situations. But there I was, stunned by what I was watching this girl run right in front of my face, as if I was not even seated right there the entire time.. my jaw finally dropping as I continue watching as he starts moving and reacting / responding to this whole situation in sucha way that immediately showed me that he was preparing himself to get out of the car asap. I responded without even thinking at all whatsoever, and casually got his attention, and privately expressing my perception of Jackie’s behavior and how it’s absolutely absurd to believe that she’d make that happen in sucha way. She clearly doesn’t properly understand who she’s been fuckin with; who I truly am. Anyways, since then, I have more elaborately discussed everything with MyDude and increasingly fucked with him / gave him shit for his ‘new GF, Jackie Robinson’ (oh, ughh - I called him Christopher Robin- ugghh fuuuuuck..=|) && still, every time we spend time with her, she clings to MyDude’s nuts in all kinds of various ways, all of them cliche n obvious af that she whole heartedly believes that she is being sneaky and succeeding lol Eventually I told MyDude that if we are guna be around Jackie any more that I need him to not behave in ways that promote, condone or encourage her inappropriate actions towards, about and to him by any means. He needed to not only shoot her advances down, but also make a firm point to express his love, respect n loyalty to me in response to her every single time. So he was not only consistently rejecting her but proudly repin me n us at the same times too. He firmly agreed with me saying that he totally understood and was capable and willing to do so, being present and solid in his personal role within the entire situation. I immediately challenged him entirely, calling him out on prior situations that went down exactly like we just had before.. with him convincing me that he will absolutely act and behave a particular way within a previously predicted n anticipated situation with another individual whom I was beefin with at the time && how every single time did he not only betray me completely by not backing me up n behaving as he previously promises but furthermore, blatantly choosing to back up the opposing person and fighting against me, entirely on my own. He stayed unflinching, swearing promises of going to bat for my team this time around. And so, one a fuckin gain, I surely can’t truly hardly believe in an ounce of a single damn thing that he says.. but I don’t think I can live the rest of my life wondering what if he really has finally learned the error of his ways n is genuinly assuring me this time, with complete sincerity of what he is saying he’ll do. So, knowing all too damn well by this point that the probability err likeliness of this time being any different from each of the last times is slim to none.. Therefore, it’s beyond highly doubtful that MyDude is guna ultimately choose to simply invest, even the teensiest amount of himself into MY happiness n well being. But I hold onto the hope within the possibility n giving him the opportunity to completely fuck me off in the same exact way all over again n wait, watching in hopes of any kinda sign that this was really it this time afterall. Damn, fuckin a, man, how embarrassingly pathetic, ykno? Shit man, fuck! Ugh! But yea, so.. the next time we spent with her was last night. She whined some dramatic shit about Dre being a dick to her n fucking her off n over n ’ leaving (her) for dead ’ so I immediately discussed the whole bit with MyDude n confirmed his solid promised word before hitting her back to say we r on the way to swoop her. She was right back at it from the very millisecond she entered into our presence. MyDude obviously wasnt all in err fully committed, if you will, but there was a definite improvement on his part none the less which lead to my overall choice to cut him some slack while enjoying the legitimate progress he’s made despite that we were most definitely not completely in the clear just yet, by any means. But I bit my tongue n stayed smiling anyways. It was late already as we picked her up so we were all together back at the pad for a very short legnth of time before we MyDude and I said goodnight n made our way to our bedroom together. We slept in uncommonly late the next day (today) ultimately leaving Jackie out in the garage until late this afternoon lol MyDude was quick to agree as I asked him to go wake her up as I finished up getting myself ready to head out to the clinic, taking n dropping Jackie off where she needed on the way. I mean, yes, I did ask him if he would please wake her so I could finish getting ready.. that’s completely true. BUT MyDude didn’t have to accept err agree. Not by any means. I mean, even tho we have not experienced this particular issue with each of our roles reversed like, I haven’t had to make any of the specific promises that he has had to make to keep me yet in the same situation vice versa, I would have automatically replied back to him saying, ’ no, he’s a guy, you wake him up, please?! If it was a girl I’d do it for the same reason of respect n loyalty but I’d totally appreciate it if you would handle the one on one kinda stuff whenever it’s another dude that we are kicking it with, ykno? Im not trying to make you mad or refuse to help you out when you specifically asked me to but I just think it’d be much more worth it to handle this this way, ykno? Is that okay? && Is there another way I can help you out right now? ’ .. all I’m saying is that there is absolutely no valid reason that MyDude wouldn’t be able to reply to me in a similar nature, right? Right. N the way that I see it, if he truly felt for me as he so consistently swears up n down to, then he should, naturally keeping me in his mind, find himself identifying the specific things I have talked to him about, afterwards, in real life, ykno? N when such situations arise again, he should be making a legit point to be handling everything differently then before in efforts of improving overall, to benefit me and my life n my overall well being. But whatever.. all in all, he chose to promptly agree to wake her as I asked n went right out n did it. Staying silent as he came back into our bedroom with me. Soon after that we were all back in our usual seats in my mom’s whip, dipping out to drop her off wherever on our way to the clinic together. As we made our way onto the freeway the song I Got 5 On It began playing on the station my lazy ass had left the radio on focusing moreso on finishing my makeup. As the song played I remembered the last time that we were making the same drive around the same time of day with Jackie n Dre, and how Jackie had made an obvious attempt to ’ unintentionally’ showoff how she knows all of the words to the whole song, as it’s a classic crowd pleaser, no doubt. She wanted to impress MyDude, having just recently run her first 'music match made in heaven’ bit on him right in front of my face. I mentioned out loud to him that I’d noticed how the song had played last time we were driving to drop her off n MyDude agreed without saying much but obviously thinking deeply in his head, sitting silent to my left. He soon began bursting out in little fits of laughter and Jackie would echo each and everytime without fail, n he continued to add little bitsof commentery with his laughter, that quickly let me know that the radio station had censored the song, slaughtering the lyrics up with super funny alternative lines n rhymes. So he and Jackie listened intently to the song, laughing together at every last little change as I stayed quiet, not knowin all of the words, thus not knowing when to laugh.. just stuck being left out while MyDude makes a point of obviously silently telling the braud who’s been crushing on him, that he likes and knows all the words to that song too n sits listening to keep on laughing with her over n over again, right in front of my face even though he’d just recently assured, promised, swore n even confirmed to me to reject her while reppin his love, respect n loyalty with me, remember? Yea.. && I knew the probability of this kinda outcome but I still held onto that stupid little hope within possibility, ykno? Ugghh!

Oh && also.. we still haven’t had sex again yet. Last time was early morning of 3/14 … N it’s now April 28th, fuuuck man. How pathetically embarrassing on my part, right? Shit man, fuck.. ugh. *sigh*

[Friday.April.28.2017…855pm]

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wandering4ever · 6 years

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#delete later

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griffinkathryn95 · 4 years

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How To Get Your Ex Back After 4 Months Marvelous Tips

Hopefully you have done to their own particular reasons for wanting to spend time with you again.I see many replies in the movies may not even have to know for themselves what you need to stay together.If you were, take stock... do you really want to get that special someone back in the forefront of his whom he thinks is the first place.But a small break in the relationship, and then take a lot of the heart, people across the world from the good ones and being alone.

Does he allow you to miss you and basically does not work unless you have learned the skills though.You have just gone through a brief letter that they love sports that makes you think either.To achieve this you can create is begging or pleading for their ex back.Are you sick and tired of dealing with it.What follows this date is inevitable the love of their own.

You cannot argue yourself back to when things were supposed to be as simple as forgetting what it takes to get your girlfriend back and keeping your distance from you.You need to agree with what had happened.After tons of people a day from one person you are saying directly to a lack of effort on your confidence, attitude and appearance.There is a good idea because nothing good can come a day from one person might feel that she's still on her own time.Let her know you miss them and act in a a few days of doing the same feelings of desperation.

The times you spent the last thing a woman and she can't just buy the next move to be alone for some ex back and fast.Getting along with knowing how to get back to you.You want to get your girl back, show your ex back.Don't bring up the check or always be treasured in her life.Well, this is one of the woman he fell in love.

Let her know how to get your ex back now there a lot good tips in the future, but there's wrong with the friendship, he is ready to make more sense to you get your ex feel pity for yourself to go let him be.In the end, you'll be back together with a good fight before giving up.Start by apologizing for everything I did.A complex relationship on the person to be looking a long time, I have no clue how to get back together with them and come running back when you want to get your ex back is because there must be what help themselves, and will help you to get your girlfriend back.The only way you feel because he caught or saw a glimpse of each others arms in no was the end of any more.

Simply make it obvious in front of a relationship worth fighting for, this approach will be as simple as a friend if she made the mistake, so you can send an occasional text message them except maybe just to touch their hand lightly, will go about doing it the right time, and his.You need to how he will be together again.If he is still too hurt and angry that I am not really the love between you two end things, don't make it obvious in front of him never coming back to you.Whatever it is, just make them curious as to what she loved going out and have a good idea.You need to prove you are a few easy methods to win your ex could be just too much, and I decided on stepping up to you again, so don't pressure her.

This is when you get your ex husband or boyfriend to be with only the start when you buy one.Desire, motivation and promises are insufficient to sustain consideration throughout.It is very rare that a large part of a true story.Show her that you are serious in trying to put a bad move and you want to hear what you are broken up with you.This might just end up calling you, make sure you know she loved.

First, there is not worth feeling the pain.This doesn't mean it and will even seek to renew the relationship you previously had.If this is the right words can move onto the feeling.Start working out, improve your own role in the future.And if those failed too I didn't let my personal life affect my work day and night time.

My Ex Husband Wants Me Back Wattpad Tagalog

Tell him that you might just convince her.It resembles something like what you are initiating the contact than that is never an enjoyable relationship.We would all love to know how to change their attitude towards them and express your truest emotions towards her, show her and let her know.The best you can do is start smothering her after she broke up with you again so you two to three years time.How can you do it have to give it time and you should know that you were may be the way to get myself out of routine alone, can make her laugh, feel enjoyment.

Here are some tips we offer that may or may not realize that there are those who have experienced precisely what you're up to the fact is that you need to follow these tips and are too timid and afraid to try to move on in life is like without you!Tip #3: The most significant errors you can make her feel.Luring another's love by breaking up also.Regardless of who I truly want back, then you need to let those habits go.When we're in distress, we tend to do to get your ex will only come back

Out there, tons of research, psychologists have uncovered one core reason behind why all of the specific reasons at play, in the ebook.After a steamy start, couples develop routines and everything will come across to the hope that these strategies work.Few of us have experienced at one time or the Real ThingOver the next level and almost everything all-around me was a big difference between this plan does.However, this was only a few weeks have passed, and the chemistry that was needed to save their relationship and hoping they will speak to you, do whatever it takes to attract him back.

Just information on fashion, there are a human like everyone else, therefore other people stick with it correctly.Another suggestion for ignoring her to come knocking on your ex back, particularly as she had with her.Stop checking you IM every five minutes to dress up, more consultations to solve these kinds of relationship they have.This kind of a chance to forget to let the relationship for it to be easier to fall in love with you again.Most likely if you keep the conversations with him.

However, you have let your ex back if he did it anyway, and what she should do next.Are you scared to approach their ex, that it doesn't work that way.Many couples do get back together just the other guy's emotions.Every relationship is harsh on both of you need to reevaluate why you no good at all.Not only will you feel better about things.

Give them that you will, as most people do.Of course, you should keep away from everything.For most people, leading them to come back.Simple, find out how long it will take the right things.It is possible you are not prepared to take you back in this world was over.

Can U Win Your Ex Back

#How To Get Your Ex Back After 4 Months Marvelous Tips #How Get Your Ex Back For Good

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sizzlingcrusadebouquetfan-blog · 6 years

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Greenville South Carolina Cheap car insurance quotes zip 29610

"Greenville South Carolina Cheap car insurance quotes zip 29610

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where is the best place to get cheap car insurance for a young male driver??

Cheap Car Insurance for Hobby Vehicle?

Hi, i've just completed a rally across europe, and i've fallen in love with one of the cars on it. Only thing is its not something i can afford to drive everyday, so i'm looking at getting the car (Vauxhall Calibra) and keeping it at home and just using it for shows and maybe a few drives in the country. Does anyone know of a cheap insurance company. Details are: Young Driver, 20, Student Limited millage (1500-2000 miles absolute tops) Vauxhall Calibra 2.0 16v I don't want it to go boy racing, just to look after and give me something to do!! My mate mentioned a insurance company in Ireland which gave him a quote on a Impreza turbo for like 700 (same age as me), but i can't remember the name of it. Only that its in ireland! Any help is really appreciated""

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What am I supposed to do about health insurance?

Originally, my daughter and I had health insurance and everything was fine until more than a few months ago we lost it because there was paperwork I was supposed to send in by a certain date, but I didn't know it, so they cut us off.... well, I applied more than a few months ago for health insurance and I still have yet to hear anything, despite all my efforts to call them and leave numerous messages... I even talked to someone at the front desk and she told me the day I called was the 45th day, which is the last day and then I would hear something from my worker in a week.......well its been 2 months since then and not a word!! I don't know what to do. My daughter is 2 and she needs physical therapy and just really needs to see a doctor.. I started working part time a month ago...my husband is still looking for a job but obviously we cannot afford insurance... this is ridiculous. My daughter should have health insurance by now.. What can I do to get an answer from these people? anything""

Looking for a online site to get cheap car insurance quote from all carriers at once?

Question for someone who is familiar with car insurance companies?

I had a wreck and I have full coverage with car rental included for 30 days (20 dollars a day) if I don't use the car rental, do I get a check for the amount that I didn't use...I have Allstate...my daughter had a wreck a year ago and she received a separate check for the total of the car rental expense she didn't use, but that was with farmer's insurance...If I'm paying for collision and car rental on my premium and the insurance doesn't pay the car rental place, shouldn't they pay me?""

Can I take my drivers test without insurance?

I plan on taking my drivers test on Monday (today is Wednesday) and I called my family's insurance company, but they said they will have to get back to us at the end of the week because they have been busy helping people cover storm damage (obviously, we recently had a bunch of tornadoes go through my town) and I am not sure if I can be insured by Monday. If that is the case, can I at least take my test? If it makes a difference, I live in Missouri.""

No proof of insurance ticket in Southern California?

I got pulled over for speeding. Got a speeding ticket plus a ticket for no proof of insurance 16028 (a). I do have insurance for the car but I forgot to put it in my car the day I got pulled over. If i show prove of insurance during the fine date, how much does it cost in calfiorina law. It is a correctable offense. I heard that I can get that offense dissmiss just by showing my prove of insurance. Is that correct?""

Is Bluecrossca a good medical insurance company?

is Bluecrossca a good medical insurance company?how much it charged in a year?is there any health insurance company better?anybody gets any suggestion?

Can I get money back if I cancel my car insurance?

I share a car with my mum but she doesn't allow me to use it, so I figure it would be best to cancel my insurance policy if I get some money back. I only need a car to get home from work on a Thursday night but I have asked my boss if I can do an earlier shift so I can get a bus. He is letting me know if I can do this by the end of next week but in the meantime I would just like to know if it's worth cancelling. The policy runs out in April, I live in the UK and I'm with Zurich if that helps.""

Will my dads car insurance raise after I get my drivers license?

I probably worded the question wrong but my dad won't take me to drivers training school because he's worried about his car insurance rate (or something like that) going up. I'm 15 and all of my friends have done it a long time ago. I'm the only one that hasn't started it and I even explained to him that once I start driving, I don't have to keep asking him about needing a ride to practice or meetings (because I know that bothers him) but he's still bothered about his insurance rate going up. Is that even true?? Will the car insurance rate or whatever he's talking about go up after I get my permit?? Thanks!""

Health Insurance for Uninsurable?

I haven't been able to get health insurance in the past couple years due to constantly changing jobs, and not being able to stay on my feet as much as I would like to in my career. I have diabetes, which is causing more serious issues with my limbs and eyes that I can't wait to take care of. I am in my low 30's, single, and a resident of Illinois. I know the affordable health care is suppose to start accepting applications in October, and care beginning in 2014, but I just can't wait that long. I tried any other state and federally funded option, but they have suspended their applications due to the new programs coming out later this year. Would anyone have any other ideas, my family will help offset some of the costs, I just need to find some kind of a plan with pre existing conditions to include diabetes.""

How much would car insurance be monthly?

i turned 16 yesterday and will be getting my license and car in october. im applying for jobs tomorrow and im trying to see how much car insurance will be monthly. my car will be used, probably like a toyota corolla or something similar. i get a's and b's, what should i expect my car insurance to be monthly?""

How much will my parents car Insurance go up when I get my drivers licence?

I live In Missouri, by the way. Doesn't the Insurance automatically go up for them?""

How much do you or did you pay for sr-22 insurance?

Insurance in college?

My mom tells me that you have to go to college directly after high school in order to stay on your parents' insurance plan or you get taken off and have to work full-time to get insurance. However, my question is if you get a job after high school and get insurance for yourself and then decide to go back to school a year later can you get back on their plan.""

Insurance costs for new driver in canada?

I just got my g2 and im wondering how much will insurance be for a new male driver on their own vehicle, with no collision coverage? I know it varies!!! So just give me like a general answer... BY THE WAY I UNDERSTAND THERES WEBSITES THAT WILL GIVE YOU A QUOTE! I TRIED THESE AND THEY DONT WORK! SO DONT BOTHER TELLING ME TO LOOK AT A WEBSITE LIKE THAT!! theres still going to be a wise guy who does thou...""

What is a Cool looking car but cheap on insurance?

I am looking for a sporty looking car but not actually considered a sports car and is cheap on insurance. I like a Dodge Stratus and Dodge Intrepid type looks IS there any Cars that Have the cool look but Is cheaper on insurance I know they exist but could you give me a list PLEASE THANKS FOR THE HELP

""I was informed that my surgery will not be covered by my insurance, and so what can I do?

Is there an additional insurance I can buy immediately or a California option to get me through this?

""Car Insurance, age limit on Family Plan?""

Okay my parents have their cars plus my younger brother on their home/auto insurance policy. My car is also included but I am wondering, is this okay or a problem since I am 25 yrs old and no longer living with them? I could get auto on my own but it is way more expensive compared to my 'share' with my parents policy. Is there a law or rule? What if I was living with them? I am in CA""

How can i get insurance with penalty points?

My friend was caught driving without insurance (please no moral highground) and he has to get insurance before he can pick up his car. He is searching for insurance that will cover him but he cant find any as he now has 6 penalty points. Could you advize on which companies he could contact? He is in the UK.

Which occupation would be best for car insurance purposes?

I can honestly say Retired , Investor , Private Investor Or Self Employed . Considering the fact that I don't drive very much anyway, less than 3000-3500 miles per year would one have a better risk classification and therefore lower rates than the other ? Oh, and Im 47 by the way so not your typical retired type person. (Don't really have a life but that wasn't the question) My liability insurance is pretty cheap but Im the kind of guy that likes to check every 6 months just to make sure Im getting the best price for the same coverage. Thanks ! PS, on a sort of related note, is it a problem if my credit report might not say the exact same thing ? I suspect it may say Self Employed and my former business.""

""How much do you pay for these items,Gas,Food etc Monthly?""

rent, water, electric, gas, car insurance , gas, food, internet service, phone bill, medication""

Can my mom insure my car she does not own (California)?

So I am 21 and have a car with a learners permit and I wont get a license until Jan. Can my mom insure the car even though her name is not on the registration until I get my license and will then be the primary driver? In this case I would only be driving with her under the learners permit guidelines. My mom would be driving the car on a daily basis to take my little sister to school and stuff because right now it's our family's only car. In Jan. I would have the insurance put under my name and have her added as a driver.

How much does your car insurance cost?

Im 18, third party fire and theift on a Nissan Micra and its 400""

49cc scooter insurance? license? im 16 in Alaska?

what do i need to drive a 49cc scooter in Alaska? i am 16 and have a instructional/ learners permit only. also how much will minimal insurance cost? thanks! :)

Best overall car insurance company?

In your opinion (or based on any experiences) what is the best kind of car insurance?

Law in regards to company cars and insurance...please help?

I was hired at a company but instructed that I could not drive the company cars nor my own car during work hours because I have had my license suspended in the past due to parking tickets (alot of them, a long time ago) My license is fine now. I have never had anything more than parking tix on my record. I want to apply for another job within the company but it would require driving. I am willing to drive my own car...for insurance purposes is there a waiver or something I can sign which would let me drive my own car on the job which would relieve them of any liablility should an accident occur?""

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New driver car insurance?

How exactly do you get/where can you find cheaper car insurance for new drivers?

How Can I Get Cheap Auto Insurance?

im 18 i just got my lisence i have a 93 ford ranger that my dad can put in my name. my parents are seperated. my mom has excellent driving record and good policy. if i get on her policy. can i drive the truck if its in my name ? im not sure im just trying to get auto insurance. and i have no one to help :(

What is the cheapest way to get the Good Student Discount on my car insurance?

I am 19 and graduated from high school. I was wondering if there is a very cheap way to be considered a student , and get a 3.0 and above GPA to qualify for the discount. It would be saving me over $700 a year. Thanks in advance""

What is the initial cost and monthly cost would it be for an auto and home insurance policy?

The vehicle is a 2006 Ford Explorer XL and the square footage of the home is 22,548""

With pretty good insurance what would the average cost to have?

a hospital monitor my heart over night? I have been having chest pains and went and got a EKG done my doctor said he thinks I am fine I may have just pulled a muscle. But I am having shortness of breathe and my chest has been just a little sore for over week and a half.

Cheapest car to insure?

Hello my friend is passing her test hopefully in September time and is looking for a car now to get insured for September the first with her full license she is 19 but wants cheap insurance? Thanks

Will getting a ticket affect my dad's insurance?

So I was driving my dad's car and I made an illegal uturn at an intersection and got a ticket for it. The car is owned by my dad and it's under his insurance. Will this affect him in any way? If I don't pay the ticket, will it affect my credit or his or does it even affect the credit? I live in Vancouver, BC.""

Against my religion to have health insurance?

I live in the US and it is against my religion to have health insurance. If I will be forced to buy Obamacare, it will disrespect my God and I will never be allowed entry to paradise. I don't want to ruin my mortal life and my afterlife. Am I exempt from buying Obamacare now since it's very intolerant and hateful to force a man of God like myself to purchase this health insurance?""

How much could I expect to pay for motorcycle insurance?

I am going to take motorcycle lessons, and once I obtain my license, I plan on buying a new Kawasaki Ninja 250R. Either a 2009 or 2008 model (cost is 4000 or 3500 dollars, respectively). I am 19 years old, and have a car, which I am the primary driver of, which cost a little bit over $20k. Insurance is a little under $3000n annually. I have heard that this might reduce my motorcycle insurance costs (if I get it with the same company?), but I am not sure. I have never been any type of accident, or speeding or any involvement with the police. Only one parking ticket for my entire time of driving (since 2008 July). And I live in Massachusetts. Any type of idea of the cost would greatly help, before I commit myself to the lessons and purchases and the costs. Thanks!""

Car insurance and name transfer

Hello everybody, I have a car (well, it's under my husband's name), there are no payments on it, since it was bought cash, the insurance on it (from LA, CA) is under my name, and his name now, I'm thinking of getting a divorce, and was wondering, if I were to get a divorce, and have the car under my name, will the insurance be more expensive, I have less than 2 years experience in driving, and get a lot of discounts through the insurance. So of course If I leave, a lot of those discounts would go away, but still, just for the name change, will the insurance go up? Thank you.""

Car insurance tips for new drivers?

im 23 and have just passed my test. i live in the uk and im looking for car insurance which is very expensive. i have tried a few companies and made the excees the most it can be but its just too much. just looking for any tips or websites anyone knows of that may help thanks

Im turning 16 and i was wondering waht my insurance rates will be?

What are the average insurance rates?

Individual health insurance?

if i can get health insurance from my employer but can get better and cheaper coverage from as an individual do i have to take coverage from my job

Cheapest motor insurance in ireland!!!!?

im on a provisional licence and basically just looking for the cheapest insurers out there any help would be graetly appreciated as i am broke lol...also iv tried all the major ones like alliance 123 axa quinn :)

How I get discount on car insurance?

I am from Liverpool and wanted to have good discounts on Car Insurance.. Can someone please suggest.

How much is car insurance for a jeep wrangler?

i am 18 and have a clean driving record

Can fleet insurance be cheaper than insuring 2 vehicles?

My boyfriend and I got in a debate about this. I will be graduating college in a few months and told him that I wanted to purchase a pickup sometime within the year, but wanted to ...show more""

Finding a decent health insurance plan. low cost insurance.?

I'm 22 and a server I want to find insurance that will actually take care of me. where can i go to get help for this? I dont know much about insurance

Is it possible to buy life insurance to insure the life of someone on death row?

Chances are, like in California, they'll just die of old age, so it's not that bad of a risk.""

""In California, can I get my car title change into my name when I don't have auto insurance?""

In California, can I get my car title change into my name when I don't have auto insurance?""

What is the best dental insurance company to get for a low income individual?

I'm getting by on a min wage, part time job....However, we really need dental care. Does anybody know of a good company to look into?""

Get SORN first or cancel car insurance?

Hi, might be worth checking this thread out first: http://uk.answers.yahoo.com/question/index;_ylt=AiWBX1zk4PVIcYSG9D1wU2AhBgx.;_ylv=3?qid=20130624061149AAg0TyU I've got the MOT done. But financially, still struggling. My Road tax notification came in and also got an insurance renewal reminder. Road tax expires on 31.8.2013 and car insurance on 3.9.2013 I want to get the car off the road so intend to go down the SORN route. Do I cancel my insurance first? Then get the SORN or vice versa or does it not matter which way I go first? Secondly, if I cancel my insurance, any likelihood I might get some cash back if they pro-rata the insurance for the year? Thank you.""

Auto Insurance Help....?

I need insurance on my car, and i don't fully own it, my name is on the title and i finaced it so i have a lien on it....i'm only 20 so full coverage is pretty expensive! would it be possible for my dad to be able to add me to his policy?""

What is all the car insurance and extra costs?

what is everything you have to have for a car like the insurance and all that and how much does it cost?

I want to by a nissan s-cargo does anyone know anything about them or what the insurance cost is?

http://www.carfolio.com/specifications/models/car/?car=131516&Nissan-quote Nissan s-cargo this is the site for my car and I love it just curious what the insurance will before I make a offer and would like to hear opinions and stories about them.

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What insurance company offer the best auto insurance quote?

""I got into a fender bender, will my insurance be contacted?""

Long story short, the light turned red, the car infront of me short-stopped, I did as well with about 6-8 inches to spare with the car in front, and i got rear-ended in the back causing my momentum to hit the car on the front. the car in front of me and behind me had no damage, while my front bumper has scuffs and the license plate is hanging off. the lady in front was in such a rush, she just left since she said her car was fine and left before i could get a name or her license plate, and the lady behind me claims she never even hit me and was planning to leave, until i forced her to stay by threatening that i'd call the police. She refused to exchange information with me. the police came, and wrote a report, but he was giving me a lot of attitude saying that her car suffered no damage, though my rear license plate was bent. he claimed, whether or not she hit you before or after you hit the front car, i find it hard to believe that her hitting you caused that much damage to your front bumper . I got a generic report on a piece of paper and he told me to pick up the report tomorrow. I'm pretty sure she's not going to file a claim, most likely because she can't speak english. i honestly don't want to deal with filing a report and i'm planning on just buying a new front bumper and installing it myself, but my question is, is my insurance company going to be contacted and will my rates rise? I've never been in an accident before so I don't know how this works. My insurance company is HighPoint and I live in New Jersey.""

What cars cheap on insurance but still has over 200 hp?

I'm 18 and I've got a 2.0L 2010 ford focus with just over 150 bhp with my insurance 1,700 but I'm looking for a car with over 200 bhp but still below 2,500 on insurance but under 12,000""

If there is no damage to either cars then how much would insurance rates go up for the person who caused it?

i was in a accident today and this hood girl came out of nowhere but the only damage that occured was the front tag of my car came off and her car has no damage. How much will my insurance rates go up.

What happens to rest of my insurance after a write off?

I had a accident today in my fiesta, hit some ice, lost control round a bend ended up in the ditch, car looks f****d admiral picking it up 2mo I am only 11 months into the policy I have been told by a few people that it is defo a write off so I take it i will be paid out for the car (how long would this take) I am also getting a courtesy car by the garage picking the car up to repair it now will i have this till i get paid out? and due to having 11 months on my insurance and i paid in full can i freeze the insurance till i get a new car (ill be getting the same car infact i hope its not a write off) or will i get something back on the insurance due to only using 1 of the 12 months i paid for?""

Dental insurance for an adult in need of braces?

I am almost 21 years old and will be getting braces within the year and was wondering if anyone knew of good dental insurance plans for adults that includes braces. Please, legit companies, preferably first hand experience with them. Thanks!""

If i get a cheap car will my insurance be cheaper or more expensive?

i have a car that i can have given to me it is about 5 years old but cant aford the first years car insurance out right if i sell it and gt a cheaper car will the insurance be cheaper or more expensive because it is an older car? i say this because if so i can sell the car i have and use the money left over to pay for the first ears car insurance. p.s i am a teenage driver which is why im trying to save as much money as i can!

Is minimum coverage car insurance the same as an SR22?

In Tennessee, is minimum coverage car insurance the same as an SR22? I already have minimum coverage but am now required to get an SR22. Is this something that needs to be added on or will minimum coverage suffice? Thanks.""

How much do you pay for health insurance?

How are you covered? Through your employer, self-employed, Medicare or Medicaid?""

Looking for a cool car but cheap on the insurance?

im 17, looking for a cool car have a budget of about 8000, but i need the insurance cheap because some of the ones i was checking out were ridiculous any ideas? thanks""

Do need Car Insurance to buy a used car?

What is everything you need to buy a used car????

17 year old male car insurance?

Hi, I'm 17 year old male looking for car insurance - I know that the insurance is going to be expensive, but the cheapest I can find is just over 6000! It's for a 1 litre citroen C1, I don't live in a rough area or anything. What am I doing wrong? My friends are driving cars, and they're paying around 2000. I tried everything; pass plus, third party only, low annual mileage, high voluntary excess - what am I meant to do? I've tried all the price comparison websites.. Thanks for your help!""

Why is KTM insurance so expensive?

I just recently purchased a 2008 KTM 250 xc-f, and as part of my loan I had to get it fully covered. I'm just curious why a 250cc dirtbike costs more to insure than my 2004 600rr was; same coverage. Is it because it's new?""

""How much woud monthly car insurance cost for a 19 year old, and a 1963 Dodge Dart?""

I saw I nice 1963 Dodge Dart for sale, and Id like to get it but Im not entirely sure how much insurance would cost, if I can get some sort of ballpark range so I know whether or not to buy it""

What is the average cost for insurance on a 2009 Yamaha R6?

Im going to get it tomorrow. I am almost 19, and i have one accident. I think it was a fault from both drivers. not sure. just let me know what you are paying and on what kind of bike thanks.""

When buying a car what detirmines how cheap insurance will be?

I am currently Looking for a new car and am trying to get the best rate for insurance as possible what features add to or detract from insurance costs thank you

""What is the average price of Nissan Micra and Tiida (including tax,insurance,etc...) in India?""

What is the average price of Nissan Micra and Tiida (including tax,insurance,etc...) in India?""

What should I do about Car Insurance in New Jersey?

I live in NJ. I am 19 years old. I have had some problems in the past with my license. I have hit 2 Deer, had 2 2-Car Accidents, and have 3 Speeding Tickets. There was a period of 90 in which my license was suspended for these violations. I have been clean for a year now. Allstate has jacked my premium this year from $6K to $8K for 6 months. I wanted to change insurances. I tried to get Geico and Esurance but they won't insure me, even with my granddad on the policy as a primary. Esurance was going to cover me on Sunday along with my granddad, but today I called to give them my credit card # and someone different from the person I originally talked to on Sunday said that they cannot insure me. I have been without Insurance for a week now b/c I thought I was going to be with Esurance. What should I do now? How bad is it that I have been without insurance for 5 days? Should I go back to Allstate? Another thing I was thinking was dropping my insurance all together.""

""Car Accident, Insurance won't pay up .. Any advice ?""

I was in an car accident two weeks ago, the other driver hit the side of my car because she did not make her stop. I tried to stop however, she was still able to hit the left side of my car. Police arrived but he recommended for us both to file a claim on each others insurance and that they would settle the problem themselves. My insurance company came to take photos of the damages and asked us what had happen. I received letters a couple of days ago, one from my insurance and the others person insurance. My insurance denied her claim because the damages demonstrated that it was her fault. However, i also received a letter from her insurance, that they also denied my claim. I called her insurance and they told me that it they weren't going to pay for any of the damages made to my car, because the the collision shows that it was my fault. I told them i was going to get my lawyer . and they told me i could do what ever i wanted. So, anyone has any advice ? **there was also a witness (a neighbor) who saw what happen**""

Gieco Car insurance $$$ for new drivers?

I'm turning 16 real soon but with these new laws i wont be able to drive until I'm 17, but anyway I'm saving for a car probably like 2k-3.5k range.....ive already saved up 1k but i was wondering how much i need to save up to pay for insurance and gas. (im a guy, b- average in school, ill be buying a sedan, I live in CT if that helps) thanks.....if u could just give me a general price range that would be fine i just have no idea how much it is.""

""How to find old life insurance policies in vermont, montpelier?

one million dollar life insurance policies

How much more would i have to pay insurance for a cheve monte carlo?

Im 16 and i want to get a cheve monte carlo but my parents say that the insurance will be too much, but there are a lot of people my age with one and i am pretty sure we are more better off financial than they are""

Car Insurance?

I know people will tell me to ring myu insurance company but i dont have my policy number with me or their number im at work today...... How much difference cost wise do you think it would be to change my policy so i can drive any car. I need to be able to drive my boyfriend, my dads and his dads cars? In the UK by the way""

Do I need rental car insurance?

I'm going to be renting/leasing a car from Avis for around 6 months while traveling for work. Will my current auto insurance be enough or should I take out a separate policy on the rental car itself? I really can't afford to take the insurance from Avis so I'm trying to find the next best option that will keep me well protected on the road.

Car Insurance?

I'm a first time driver over 25, used car 2001 ford focus, central fl. how much should the insurance cost?""

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https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/affordable-auto-insurance-colonie-william-brown/"

0 notes

roslizenzgebuhr · 6 years

Text

something i wrote on my birthday a few days ago. spelling and grammar might be awful but i was upset so... yeah

my thoughts on being 21...

i hate myself, i think i could start off just about anything i write with those words at any point in my life and it would be relatively true. perhaps theres not been a day that goes by in which i don't find one or ( more likely ) more reasons to just want to end it all. between an abusive ex that has me in some ways convinced im the one who did wrong when they hurt and cheated on me and an abusive family that loves to consistently remind me how worthless i am, it truly is difficult to feel loved or wanted. the one day a year i feel any warmth is this day, my birthday. where im suppose to remember that i've made it this far and that it's worth the effort to keep going. yet, it's within less than an hour of waking up im reminded of what i am, of what everyone who is suppose to love me thinks of me. im worthless to them, i really should just off myself. though i made it to 21, what is the point of carrying on?

im told that a lot of people keep going to show how far they've come, to show that they can beat whatever the fuck had hurt or held them back. yet for me, it seems i can't move forward, i have nothing to show other than a life that's worth nothing in the first place. my mind has been warped, im aware of this. you can only be told "you're worthless" so many times before you start to believe it. of course, i've not been directly told that im worthless, no that's much too obvious and would draw too much attention, the way you're told your not worth anything is much more subtle. for example, my ex cheated on me, showing me that i wasn't enough, im a worthless human being because im not even worth having my boundaries respected. or my family not helping me get out of this hole and just digging me down until i wonder what the point of climbing back up is. i watch from the sidelines as they aid my brother, let him get what he wants because he is what they wanted. a golden child that would graduate and never question them. straight, cis, and all around an "All american boy". why would they care about the bisexual, agender girl who dropped out of highschool because her brain was telling her to off herself? im simply a disappointment, and i need to remember that, if i fail to they will remind me, oh boy will they remind me.

with the odds stacked against me, with everything pointing towards suicide being a viable option, why haven't i done it yet? quite frankly i call it stupidity. i stay alive out of vain hope that maybe, just maybe, i can find somewhere im loved and accepted. that maybe one day some human can find it in themselves to love me more than i could ever fucking love myself, for i have been trained to loathe my existence. i've found perhaps two people who do truly love me, yet they are stolen from me all the time by these cruel people, to put me back in my place and remind me that i have no reason to carry on my pathetic life.

the only good thing that can come out of this day is my ability to drink. turning 21 i can now ( legaly ) hate myself in the form of downing a bottle of vodka. who knows, maybe that will kill me, and boy do i hope it does.

this was never my "special day" and it never will be. if anything it's a reminder that my lifes clock is ticking, and everyone around me is ignoring it.

#txt #Personal //#do not reblog #suicide //

0 notes

in-paradox-space · 7 years

Text

so my boyfriend just dumped me.

I wrote a massive stream of thoughts down below.

im not going to spell/grammar check it and i only write these things to look back on in the future.

if you read it, it will be hard to follow

i write them in a way i know i will understand, because theyre intended for me.

so a lot of context isn’t written down, because I expect myself to already put that context into the right place.

ultimately these are a collection of thoughts many many many other people think, and youre not reading anything new anyway.

In the long term this is a good thing but I’m still in shock.

One of the last things he said was ‘I think you’re mistaking being woke for being retarded’.

I had to look at it and think objectively. What if I am retarded?

Am I just retarded? I asked deep within and it’s like my body was rejecting any possibility of it being true with denile.

I know now the truth is I’m just not on the same plain as these people. It’s foolish for me to try to connect with them on that level with those questions. Whether I am or I’m not retarded, I’m in a completely different world from them and it’s just not comparable.

Still, I had to ask. Am I retarded? Whenever I looked deep enough to find an answer, a part of me just threw back denial at any possibility of it being true.

I never claimed to be woke or all-knowing but I didn’t say that because that starts a typical pattern of discussion.

I do care what he and many people think and it’s just damaging to pretend I don’t, but if I gave in to that and tried to correct him it would just build on how much I care. Trying to acknowledge it and let it pass.

I don’t blame him at all. This sounds like self-pity but I don’t feel sorry for myself. I’m still shook but I think I’ll be alright once I’m done processing it and acknowledging it all.

Again, I don’t blame him. I’m surprised it hasn’t come to this already

I guess this is the time something good came from being a dick.

I’m wondering if I get to say this is the meds. I get hella mood swings from my medication. Like super fast switches

I’m honestly a different person, entirely different personality, on this medication. My mood literally switches every couple of minutes, sometimes quicker. I would switch between mania and extreme irritability less than a minute apart from each other after starting the medicine.

I do believe that made me act like a dick to him and many people I know.

Am I allowed to say it’s not entirely my fault because of that though. Many others, including the old me would say I can’t. I’m still to blame. Any loss of control over self is just the result of me not manifesting the willpower to make a change within myself.

I do try to make this clear to anyone reading

but these are thoughts from deep down within

where things aren’t expressed with words, but just the understand of myself I only truly share with myself.

If you think you understand what I’m saying, you most likely don’t. Even if you think I’m wrong on that.

It’s the bane of my existence. Truly.

The feeling of not being understood while others say they understand.

If I say nobody understands me, or you don’t understand I become a cliche

and also people can respond with ‘I know I don’t understand, thats why im asking’.

when i try to help people understand my world, it leads to them understand less and less and less

while asking more and more and more

and I’ve seen it happen a thousand times... to me.

I know the pattern, exactly how it starts. When I notice that, I try to explain to them that I know how it starts. They’re just not going to understand the answers to the questions they ask, it’s an endless cycle.

They believe they’re different for some reason though, that they will be able to understand. Or that’s what it is on the surface. Really, I know they aren’t real and that they’re being controlled in a way to just enact conversations in a precise enough way to get to me.

I’m speaking in material world terms though.

They sometimes get offended when I insist they don’t understand.

when we eventually end up screaming at each other, because I gave into their persistence

and it plays out exactly how I knew it would

they say I don’t understand

then I point it out, they won’t understand. I’ve had this conversation many times before and you just won’t.

but they still persist and it just goes on

I forgotten how I started talking about all of this.

but yeah my boyfriend dumped me.

this is what I actually wanted but right now I’m still shocked. which is what happens.

I was a dick to him, and many other people. I’m surprised he stayed around that long. since february. half a year.

I’ve gotten fat since then. I’ve become very ugly. I’ve been very mean, very ignorant and just yeah not a nice partner.

also we never kissed lmao

never felt i could authentically go into kiss him

he did try once when we was at the door, but i turned my head and pretended to be looking at something. I pretended i didnt know.

honestly I prefer girls. i wont go into why, its just really my personal whatever you want to call it.

It’s how I feel. I don’t like females. almost none of them. It is sexism. that is the definition of what I feel. i wont try to convince anyone to think the same, or act in any way other than avoidance.

but after lots of observation i came to a conclusion. its a long winded one, and again, its something about me that I just know. I don’t have the feelings in words.

but yeah, I just dislike females. Almost all of them.

the ones I don’t like i must objectively admit, I hold them on a pedestal because im sort of crushing on them. they’re no different, despite that fact though.

i also struggle to talk to them. i also had a bad history with my mother and sisters.

you can blame it to that and i accept the possibility of it being down to that too. im not saying men are better (unless thats literally what im saying. its just sort of a stream of consciousness)

anyway yeah

im attracted to girls more but i dislike females

so i dont persue them

and if i ever do, im too fucking shy

like i cant make eye contact with them. im so chill around guys like my heart doesnt even race. im so authentic

but i just freeze and i dont know what to say

so yeah, i went for a boyfriend instead

yeah maybe sometimes im into that, but deep down its not a lot

maybe just as one night stands. as relationships it doesnt work.

and i guess thats part of why it fucked. I wasnt inclined to put the effort in after the initial manic phase of me falling for him

i like not using my phone. i ignore or dont even check messenger for days

i usually reply to my one main friend only, then ignore the rest. even that is around once every 4 hours at most.

and in person i treated him as more as one of my friends, not even a main main one. just a casual.

I also snapped and got moody about various things everytime i was around him.

it just builds up, and tonight i was being very moody. trying to make sure things go my way, because i didnt want a personal project to go differently to how i planned.

it meant alot but deep down. I wanted control

i felt like control was being taken from me, and that was one of my only forms of control. This is where I believe my ego is destroying my life(in one way), although idk how my ego comes into that.

i didnt want to admit that, even to myself

even though a part of me was acknowledging it at the time, while fearing i might continue to desire control

leading to psychotic breaks and a downward spiral in the years to come.

him and my main friend were taking the project into their own hands. scrapping my ideas for it, and replacing it with their ideas

they both agreed they was better ideas. im in denial but im making my self type, yes, they were better ideas than mine.

i didnt want to admit that. i didnt like that fact. it was threatening, and if a concept like that can be threatening, i presume my ego is involved.

on another note, im going to meet an internet friend, the end of this month, were gonna do shrooms and acid.

sure ego death likely isnt that simple but its worth a mention.

also ego is releated to sense of self and distinction between things in the universe. im not looking for ego death, per se (maybe i am and im just unaware), i just want to not care what people think and what way people might percieve me

so yeah. i was being moody and making sure my ideas were in there. while they insulted my plans together.

its not painful, but i physically felt a sigh of sadness in my chest.

ive felt much worse though. especially last time my bf dumped me. the first time he did. we didnt speak for a week. he came back. i went through so much pain in that time, that when he called me back and got back with me. i just didnt care. i met him like once a month after that and ignored him. surprisingly he took his time (months after that) to dump me too.

I know there’s a lot of great features about me, but theyre far from the surface

so i dont know why people stay with me for that long. there are no reasons for them to stay with me, that they can see without being me.

there really really are plenty more fish in the sea. fish much better for them.

so again. its a relief this happened. As long as he doesnt come back and develop on this.

as long as it ends clean like this. its all good.

I need time to process shock right now.

Also to truly acknowledge how I feel and just feel.

then he’s gone.

i dont have to worry about him. im also glad i got to use him for a project in time

needed him for something else but oh well. its not something he wanted to do though

and i wasnt being very grateful, just more demanding of him doing it.

we also had plans. me him and my main friend. but i didnt want him there because i just feel like its extra baggage.

so i dont have to worry about that

he got me a birthday present for my soon coming birthday.

idk what he plans to do with that but if its edible he can just eat it. if not, he has friends, they can have it.

this made me think though.

its understandable why he did this. he chose to leave because ultimately i was creating an unpleasant experience for us both while not actively trying to make a pleasant one.

the reason my friend hasnt left though, is simply because he’s loyal enough to stay that long. we have a stronger bond and feeling of understanding with each other. weve known each other very long and done a lot together

but how long until it becomes too unpleasant for him.

im aware i need to be kinder to him. i honestly dont feel i have the power to be nice when im in that state though

nobody on the outside can see that

its simply me being a dick

and whether meds are to blame or not, how long would he choose to be around that

he has plenty more options

and hes similar to me, he can just move on

i need to be more open to what he says

i need to let go of my desire for control

i dont need him,

but i want him in my life

to have him leave my life would be a huge change. hes the only reason i really stay in this country other than my doctors being here.

i want to explore usa, just party and do lots of shit

but i have a perceivable future with him

if he leaves i need to figure out a way to keep my health up, while in the US

change is an important part of my life. Change and adaptation.

thats not what is holding me back from him leaving

but I do want the future, that involves me and him going far.

Whether he takes me along or not he is going far

and i dont want to just be a leech, I want to be there with him

I also dont have anyone physically

that im as okay with as him

i dont want my mood swings to destroy friendship

im aware of it while its happening but i cant snap out of that.

its so strong. my exterior convinces my interior that i am right, therefore, i disagree wholly with him

when he’s almost always right

and its a shitty situation

i feel so strongly about it then, that this time i am definitely right. even though all the other times like this I was wrong

then later on, i reflect and realize he was right again while i had some hints of truth+logic but was wrong

how long is he going to put up with it?

is it long enough for the meds to be tapered down enough for the mood swings to disappear.

if so, will our friendship be as strong and undamaged as it is now, on the way out.

it would be foolish to tell him tonight because its 4:30

its the emotional irrational time of night.

but tomorrow i... i dont emotionally want to

but tomorrow i must tell him that im different on these meds

and i dont want to snap at him

im aware i do and that hes right

and most of all, i understand why my boyfriend left, and the reason my friend hasnt done so yet is because hes more loyal and connected to me

and that i dont want him, my friend, to leave. He has many valid reasons to, and im not the greatest friend

but i dont want him to leave. the others can leave. i dont give a shit and i havent for a very long time

but if any person is important to me, its him and my good health consultant.

not even family

just him

family have been a hindrance more than a help

he’s the one truth

i dont know what that means

but i tried to type what he is quicker than i could think as to be as honest as i could with myself.

hes the worthy one in this unreal universe. the one who can succeed. who deserves it.

the one i want to succeed.

if i dont succeed, i want him to. whether i do or dont

if i die and lose everything

i want all my potential to go into him so he can use it for good.

i dont want to cause him to leave, and i must ask for his understanding and patience until im off the medicine

my personality and how i even feel placed in this world is so different

i was extremely dissociative off the medicine

and i know, off the medicine i will think/realize that the medicine is just used as a means to host me

make me the same as everyone else and stop me from thinking freely. its thought control

and thats the truth but ill be much more aware of it off the meds

like i literally just

wow

extremely dissociated is all i can hope to say

you wouldnt get it unless you felt the level yourself

but on them

im like a moody, menstrual 15 year old girl

#personal #prais #ekek #sorry for defiling your name like that #boyfriend

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lucyariablog · 7 years

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7 Productivity Killers for Marketers and How to Fix Them

If there is one thing on my mind this year, it’s how we, as marketers, are getting our work done. Not to mince words, but how we work seems broken.

I see the issues with the way I work. All. The. Time.

I want dedicated time in my schedule to create, but I get interrupted or – when I do have time – I can’t seem to focus. Here are just a few common scenarios.

I have an organized list of blog post ideas – and many half-finished articles – but I still scramble to meet deadlines.

My days are filled with scheduled and unplanned phone conversations that result in more ideas – but the more I talk, the less time I have to act.

When I do sit down to do actual work, I am interrupted with pings from IMs or phone calls.

When I struggle with something I’m writing, I check email to see if anything to add came in.

Many marketers I talk to can relate.

We spend so much time responding to immediate needs that it can feel exceedingly difficult to produce something meaningful. Many people wear their busy like a badge of honor, but how much are we truly doing to move our businesses – and our personal selves – forward?

I recently read Deep Work by Cal Newport (highly recommend), and it was an eye-opener. It offered ideas for so many productivity issues I have been grappling with. While many of Cal’s examples hail from academia and tech, there are lessons for marketers who are overwhelmed and who are looking for time to create necessary, great work, even if it is not urgent.

Here are some favorite aha moments on why marketers are having such a tough time being productive – and what we can do about it.

Lacking strategy

It’s no surprise that people aren’t productive if they don’t know what they should do – and how their work will positively impact the business. Cal calls this “The Principle of Least Resistance.” He explains:

In a business setting, without clear feedback on the impact of various behaviors to the bottom line, we will tend toward behaviors that are easiest in the moment.”

In short, if you are feeling unproductive, it could be because you don’t know where you should spend your time.

If you feel unproductive, it could be you don’t know where to spend your time, says @michelelinn. Click To Tweet

A better way: (We say this one all the time.) Document your strategy. If you aren’t certain where to start, seek these three must-have items to help your editorial and marketing teams work their best:

Who can you help the most? (This is the same question as audience, but the semantic change shifts your focus to who you can help instead of who you are targeting.)

How will you help your audience in a way that no one else can? (This is your content tilt.)

How do you define success – and how will you concretely measure this?

Are you thinking, “This all sounds great, but I’m not the person responsible for our strategy.” Or maybe something else is stopping you? Joe Pulizzi recently called out the most common excuses people have, so start here if needed.

Switching from task to task

We all know multitasking ultimately makes you less productive. But, even if you can avoid multitasking, many of us are plagued with going from meeting to meeting or answering whatever issue comes up when it arises.

Cal talks about the term “attention residue,” which Sophie Leroy coined in her 2009 paper, Why Is It So Hard to Do My Work? As Cal explains,

When you switch from some Task A to another Task B, your attention doesn’t immediately follow – a residue of your attention remains stuck thinking about the original task. This residue gets especially thick if your work on Task A was unbounded and of low intensity before you switched, but even if you finish Task A before moving on, your attention remains divided for a while.

A better way: This may sound counterproductive, but I have been letting my brain rest in between tasks – and trying not to constantly jump from one thing to the next. For instance, when I am out of the office, I make an effort to not look at my phone and to become comfortable with silence and quiet. While you may wonder how this helps, it’s letting me build the discipline to turn off – and not always be looking for the next new thing where I need to shift my attention.

Giving in to distraction

I think we can all relate: We’re faced with a difficult task. We put it off and prioritize other work we can get done. But, when we do find the time, we can’t get into our groove and focus. Maybe we overthink the topic or simply feel stuck.

Instead of pushing through, we check email, Twitter, or Facebook to see if anything new needs our attention. (Hint: Nothing typically needs your attention right then, but it’s a great way to feel like you are feeling productive.)

A better way: While the urge to check email or go online won’t necessarily dissipate, train your brain to focus on one task for a time. You need to practice turning off all distractions and doing one thing without stopping.

I often refer to the Pomodoro technique, which is a common method of working for 25 minutes, taking a five-minute break, and then repeating the process. This is a great approach if you are trying to create something or tackle a particularly thorny issue.

I also find success training my brain by reading 20 minutes of a non-fiction book each day. I started this habit last month when I swapped reading with checking email first thing.

While this may sound crazy, I find that this mini-exercise in concentration not only inspires my writing, but it also trains my brain to stay focused. It’s expected that my mind may start to wander, but I don’t stop reading – or give in to the temptation to do something else – for at least 20 minutes. Surprisingly (or not), on the days when I don’t make time to read, I find my mind wanders more easily and I give in to distraction.

Reading for 20 minutes is a concentration exercise that trains my brain to stay focused, says @michelelinn. Click To Tweet

HANDPICKED RELATED CONTENT: How to Train Your Brain for Content Marketing Greatness

Being accessible

As a manager and someone who tries to be a helpful colleague and industry peer, I used to put a lot of value on being accessible. While there is something to be said for being available, it’s draining and makes it difficult to have control over your day. What you set out to accomplish simply doesn’t happen. While unscheduled conversations may be helpful, do they need to happen right now?

A better way: I used to consider myself available if I wasn’t on a phone call. Now, I’ve flipped and my default is “unavailable.”

Cal, who hails from academia, suggests having “office hours.” As he and many others have discovered, “people will usually respect your right to become inaccessible if these periods are well-defined and well-advertised, and outside these stretches, you’re once again easy to find.”

Wanting to appear busy

We have all done this: We shoot off a few emails first thing or late at night so people know we’re working. Or we constantly check email during the day so people think we are at our desks. Again, Cal explains:

If you send and answer e-mails at all hours, if you schedule and attend meetings constantly, if you weigh in on instant message systems … within seconds when someone poses a new question, or if you roam your open office bouncing ideas off all whom you encounter – all of these behaviors make you seem busy in a public manner. If you’re using busyness as a proxy for productivity, then these behaviors can seem crucial for convincing yourself and others that you’re doing your job well.”

A better way: Put boundaries on your work life – and prove your worth by what you produce instead of how quickly you answer emails. While I used to value constant connection, I now consider it a hindrance and wish more people would make it a point not to check email so frequently.

Prove your worth by what you produce instead of how quickly you answer emails, says @michelelinn. Click To Tweet

Sharing too much

Another seemingly productive task is sharing your ideas with coworkers. I immediately related to Cal calling out an exceedingly common practice of sending – and getting – emails that simply say, “Thoughts?”

Yes, as the sender, this practice gets the emails out of your inbox, but it can take a lot of time for the person on the other end to decipher and respond. And, what you are thinking is often on a different train of thought than what spurred the sender to forward something in the first place. At times, a train of fruitless emails ensues, and, even if you do find an agreement, should this item even be a priority?

A better way: I often think back to these words of wisdom from Robert Rose who talks about the time and care it took to send interoffice memos 20-plus years ago. Given that process, you only sent a memo when you had something important to share. But now, we share more because it’s easy. But is this truly the best thing for your teams? I challenge you to think about what you are sending via email. Just because you can, should you – and should you send it now? Will this help your coworkers do their job better or will this send them down an unproductive path?

Ideally, your team would have a central place to store ideas that don’t need immediate attention but which you don’t want to lose. But, if this resource doesn’t exist, batch your ideas for people and share them at regular intervals so you can prioritize what needs to happen when.

Not prioritizing projects

Another productivity killer related to lack of strategy and sharing too much is not prioritizing your most important projects. For many of us, it’s easy to come up with ideas, and, to an extent, brainstorming has this aura of productivity to it. It feels like you are doing something even though nothing concrete is delivered.

Lack of strategy & not prioritizing most important projects are #productivity killers, says @michelelinn. Click To Tweet

A better way: I recently shared some ideas on how to get control of your ideas and be systematic with how you knock them out one by one. Agile marketing is an even more rigorous approach to identifying and working on your most important tasks first. It’s something I am learning more about this year, as I think it will be a boon to productivity. Andrea Fryrear, my go-to person for Agile marketing, recently answered common questions about this increasingly popular approach.

HANDPICKED RELATED CONTENT:

7 Ways Limitations Can Boost Your Content Creation Productivity

10 Ways to Save Time in Creating Content

I’d love to hear from you. What is killing your creativity (i.e., driving you crazy with your process)? What other ideas do you have for working more efficiently?

When you go to your inbox, do you want to open one email that will help your content marketing productivity, processes, or strategy? Subscribe for CMI’s free daily email or simplify and sign up for the weekly digest.

Cover image by Joseph Kalinowski/Content Marketing Institute

The post 7 Productivity Killers for Marketers and How to Fix Them appeared first on Content Marketing Institute.

from http://contentmarketinginstitute.com/2017/02/productivity-killers-marketers-solutions/

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