#even on my good days i just dont feel worth it

[pierregazly]

are you warm enough? ꨄ oscar piastri

oscar piastri x reader

warnings: reader has the flu, sad!reader over being sick [945 words]

request: Could I ask for a 💗 with Oscar and "Are you warm enough?" prompt?

note: oscar is def the type to take care of a sick partner?? i dont make the rules but it's true! this is part of my 1.5k celebration! feel free to request away!!

It was inevitable it was going to hit you. It had struck through your entire workplace, through all your study groups. One by one, person by person, they were taken down. By a measly thing like the flu. You knew it was going to take you out, and you were going to hate every second of it.

Selfishly, you were hoping it would strike you the week Oscar was gone, not wanting to waste any of the short time that you did have with him by being confined to bed with a sickness that wouldn’t go away. Unluckily, just hours before his plane was scheduled to touchdown in Melbourne, you felt the tickle begin to climb in the back of your throat.

By the time Oscar’s bags were tossed through the front door of your apartment, you were curled up on the couch, a heated blanket over you while a half-empty cup of tea remained on the coffee table in front of you. Your head was pounding, your nose was stuffed, your stomach was aching. You couldn’t keep any food down, and it felt like the apartment had hit negative temperatures in the few hours between waking up with a scratchy throat, and Oscar coming through the door.

“Honey, I’m home,” he singsonged, walking around the corner and stopping dead in his tracks when he observed your state.

You had told him about all the people who were getting sick at work, at school, about how you had been diligent about making sure you were washing your hands and keeping away from them. How you had told him how you didn’t want to ruin the little time the two of you were finally going to be able to spend together, so you were being extra careful.

Oscar felt the sympathy wash over him as he observed you peak out from underneath the blanket, a look of sadness etched around your face.

“Osc… you shouldn’t come close to me. I don’t want to get you sick, too,” you said.

Ignoring your words, Oscar moved closer to the couch before sitting down beside your sock-covered feet. He gently maneuvered them so they were placed over your lap, rubbing soothing circles on your now-exposed ankle.

“I’ll suffer if I have to. Can’t make you take care of yourself when you look like you might freeze to death if I even move this blanket.”

Just from the blanket simply touching his leg, he could feel the heat emitting off of it, the number ‘6’ displayed on the power screen, indicating it was at the highest level the blanket could reach. 

“Do you want me to make you another tea? Maybe go pick up some soup? I can give my mum a call, see if she can make any and drop it off? Does that sound good?”

Your only response was a nod of your head at every question he threw at you, you weren’t one to ask for help when you were sick, always able to simply take care of yourself. But the idea of getting off the couch, moving from the warmth of the blanket to go and make yourself a tea, or dig through the cupboards to find a can of soup… it just didn’t sound worth it, at all.

“I don’t want to bug your mum, if you pass me my phone I’ll just order some soup here. I can get you something too, real food. But you may not want to eat near me, I haven’t really been able to keep anything down either,” the sniffles after every few words had Oscar grimacing.

“Oh hush, mum always has leftover soup. Someone’s always sick around there, she’d be more than happy to drop it off. Let me go make you a cup of tea, and I’ll be right back.”

It didn’t take him long to tinker around the kitchen, throwing your favourite teabag into the mug and heating up the kettle; texting his mum in the process to inquire about any recent soups she may have made. Unsurprisingly, dad had been sick just days before, excess of his favourite soup in a Tupperware container in the freezer. Nicole had promised to get it thawed up and dropped off before sunset, a message of ‘get well soon, honey’ likely to be written in black ink on the lid.

Holding the warm cup of tea in front of your face, he gestured for you to sit up, a groan emitting from your body as you did so. Gently placing the cup into your hands, he sat down next to you, a small frown marring his face.

“Are you warm enough, baby? I can go pull down a few more blankets from the cupboards? Or turn the heating up?”

Shaking your head, you placed the mug down on the coffee table in front of you, before snuggling up into his side. 

“Can you just hold me? You’re always so warm, and I just want to be snuggled up with you, right now,” you said.

The arm that was pressed between your two bodies moved out of the grasp, wrapping an arm tightly around your shoulders before pulling you in closer to his body. 

“I’ll hold you whenever you want me to, even if you’re going to have to be the one to explain to the team why I have the flu next week.”

The only response you gave him was a shrug of your shoulders. You had already grappled with the fact you were probably going to get him sick, if you had to explain to the team why one of their prized driver’s was now sick… then so be it.

y'all... i didnt realize how popular oscar was until this celebration i have SO many requests for him lol. i hope everyone loves this, and as always, thank you for celebrating with me!!

#oscar piastri #oscar piastri x reader #f1 x reader #f1 x you #oscar piastri x you #oscar piastri imagine #oscar piastri fanfic #f1 one shot #f1 fic #f1 fanfic #formula 1 imagine #formula 1 one shot #formula 1 blurb #oscar piastri blurb #blurb #writing #fluff #pierregazly's 1.5k celebration

[carnivalcarriondiscarded]

why is job hunting.

that's it that's the post

#this is both radicalizing me even more & absolutely harshing my mellow #why. do i need. to communicate with a 'virtual assistant'. to apply at hot fucking topic #you know? maybe i Dont need to apply there. who wants em #everywhere is like you need This This and This #oh look an entry level job! aaaand i need a thousand certifications #Excuse Me Where Do People Who Have Done Nothing With Their Life Thus Far Apply??? #why do jobs exist. why cant we all just vibe huh #each application feels like a new death sentence #cant wait to work myself into the ground for a company that views me as nothing but an easily replaceable part! yeehaw! #cant wait to sacrifice my personal time / hobbies / wellbeing for a nine-to-five 5 days a week job i hate! #absolutely unprompted #this world we live in is miserable and infuriating and i want to SHAKE PEOPLE #fucking!! look outside!!! value yourself!! the company is not your family!! they are not worth dying for!! we are all worth so much more!! #gonna go out in the middle of a field and SCREAM #humans are made for art and kindness and for enjoying the short life we're forced into #why make an already doomed existence even worse huh. #why subject ourselves to that. we deserve better. our pasts deserve better. our futures deserve better. #sorry sorry im just. ARGH. this world!!! this life!!! could be so good!!! #but late stage capitalism rampant corruption among Many Other Issues said noooooooo #happiness is illeeegallllll #what if i BITE you. huh. what then. die #every time i sit down to apply i have to actively Not Think About It or i'll delete all my tabs and stop before i start #we as humans are not built for this life... we did not evolve proclivity for kindness and art just to stress ourselves to death #over silly jobs that do Not require the level of dedication we are forced to apply #abolish the 5 day 40+ hour work week... decrease the horrifying amount of funding given to cops and the military... etc... #i think i need to go lie down for a minute im feeling Too Much Anger at the absolute state of things #so happy to be an american. (sarcasm sarcasm sarcasm)

[ironmanstan]

I am coming to the realization i have been slowly killing myself with work i think oops

#m thinking now and im like #i havent read ... anything consistently .. or watched anything .. or had time to like do anything #in genuinely so long #and i was like kinda becoming ok w it #my brain issues .. nothing matters i dont need anything all i need is me i dont need to have anyone or anything with me <- bad. stop it #part of this was the i need my dad to be proud of me braincell but well i win award i have 4.0 gpa and he still yell at me #deciding now to stop caring so much (i still do but ill ignore it) i need 2 be alive again i dont care #im so mad i dont even know .. im so viscerally angry like actually i dont even know what to do with that lmfao #my brother does shit all and u give him sm slack have NEVER treated him as bad as youve treated me #and nothing i do NOTHING is good enough or changes how u look at me #like idk he called me and i cried so much i got so fucking upset i fhkdhdkf ok. ok. #he will b like omg im so proud of u i love u so much ive always believed in u and i just think back to when #he yelled at me once like fiiive years ago and i was like u just make me feel so worthless all the time #and he was like yeah bc you are worthless #and im like hmmm idk bestie i dont think youve ever changed from looking at me like that and it is insanely obvious lmao #i dont even know bro im crazy. m insane got given an inch and tried to take a mile like omg i can actually be recognized as worth something #nevermind ill stop killing myself for that pipe dream now lol #m not even upset im just mad lmao i dont wanna hate my dad and i dont but every day i feel more and more like i should #vent

[lordsardine]

.

#every now and them im like 'should i make a genshin twitter account to interact w/ people' #because sometimes i feel like there's a glass wall between me and the fandom since i only post on tumblr #then i see the discourse and like. maybe it's not worth it #but anyway. saw nice comments about my fic. i am sending those people good vibes. smiling across the glass #miscellaneous #when i wrote for hetalia i at least felt /in the fandom since a majority of it was on tumblr #and i regularly interacted w/ people #now my main genshin interactions are with my brother. my friend who is not in this shipping hell with me. and my partner #who i am not talking about dottolone with #lest that unleash something into this world i cannot contain #so man idk. maybe one day when i inevitably write a second fic #i have ideas brewing but nothing concrete enough yet to make me put pen to paper #and i dont want to write something just for the sake of it #anyway. time to get ready for bed #had a nice evening and feeling touched the fic has gained a random resurgence of attention again

[pears-trinkets]

Love how mad Mischa was that i dragged her to the vet once again that she kept rubbing her nose against the carrier backpack I carried her in and now she has a bright red booboo on the top her nose

#i have to carry her 1.6 km / 1 mile to the vet and then back and i guess she just felt like shredding her nose against the rubber grit #shhhh dont tell her that we're going back on friday to check on the inflammation #but shes feeling much better again! 😭🥹 i took this photo on the bench on the balcony where she begged for treats #and the soft treats are available again and i bought like 8 bags so we're good for at least a month or two #we just played and now shes begging for dinner and im so glad shes annoying again😭😭😭 #i cried so much the past weekend she wouldnt come out of my closet and would scream in a very weird voice when i tried to touch her #the vet was so nice to her she was like :3 mischa we're gonna be friends i tell you you secretly like me do you :3 #they we're so gentle and kind with her 😭 #they made her a little cave out of towels so shed feel better #and her liver is doing better too 😭 i was so afraid we fucked it up completely with the surgery and then the pain meds and the treats #hate to say it but this expensive vet is really worth it even if the surgery and appointments are like 2.6k euro #and back in 2018 sissys 3 day kidney dialysis stay was like... half of that

[hella1975]

my mum: you've been doing really good lately. every part of your life is really stable and you seem genuinely happy, it's great to see :)

me, who's felt like ive been going actually crazy bananas insane for months now: yeah haha

#sometimes i forget that 'being in total control of my emotions at all times' isn't just my cringe lore & is actually something im good at #like wdym my MUM said this. girl im experiencing horrors over here! #i got really offended by it? ilke i just smiled at her and agreed but inside i was like HELLOOOOO CAN ANYONE HEAR MEEEE #i just genuinely feel like i am so detached from myself and im entirely manipulative and i micromanage every facet of my personality #and change it day-to-day person-to-person and not in the Normal Human Way but in a crazy insane I Am Manipulating People Way #& it's a CONSCIOUS thing & like. idk who the real me is idk if there is a real me idk if id like her if i saw her idk if im a good person #but i look like im doing fine. i seem really stable and happy atm according to the person who knows me better than anyone #like that's the extent of my control on myself. even my mum cant tell. HUH #idk i feel like im being dramatic bc last week and this week ive definitely been feeling a lot better #and like maybe i was just having some sort of months-long episode but that doesnt negate the fact that while i was IN it no one could tell #not even the closest people to me that see me every day in the same house where im most vulnerable could tell #that's like. worrying surely. maybe. i think. whatever im just saying shit at this point #i always do this tho i go 'i fundamentally base my self-worth on how little i share vulnerability with people #and it's been a constant part of my personality since childhood that i dont talk about my feelings' and then i get SO pissed off #when people dont realise im going through shit. like girl what did you THINK was gonna happen. look inwards #hella goes home

[squirmydonnie]

well. I need to get off of here again.

#cheeseburgerboy #i just feel like im throwing myself into a spiral already #and its just been a few days #its almost been a week. i just need to keep it going #i want to be in spiral. due to those same fears. #but it need to stop thinking about if its worth it. #i shouldn't be willing to do this to myself #or even think that its my best decision. #because im already thinking that. i need to go now. #but i don't want to #im getting extremely freaked out. and letting it happen. #thinking its be best for me. #i don't understand that its not best for me to be in pain #i don't understand why its important for me to be happy if im not making other people happy. #i don't even understand my importance #and i dont need to make time for this #i need to be with with myself #and i don't even know how to be okay with noy being a helper #i feel like im shit #i don't know how to make good decisions for myself that don't involve other people #which is why i left in the first place #i only care about other people #i am less interesting by the day #i need to go

[todayisafridaynight]

if i think bout ichi going to jiro kasuga's grave and arakawa accompanying him Maybe At Least Once i just might explode

#snap chats #hi everyone. coping with my reality. plus it is fathers day tomorrow #ill save all THAT rambling after The Real Meat alright lemme get that juice out the way #anyway no i was just having an idle thought with fathers day coming up #an i just thought of like. Just-Got-Here ichi wantin to see his Relatively-Recently-Deceased's dad's grave #maybe arakawa wanted to ask ichi to do somethin on X day and ichi visibly is just 😬 #obvi he tries to brush it off like Oh Its Nothing Sir Haha :) but arakawa's A Dad. #and grew up with a troubled childhood alright he knows when someones hiding something so he encourages ichi to tell him the truth #such comes The Bean Spillin an ichi's just 'remember how i said my dad died yeah i wanted to visit him that day 👉👈 ' #followed up by the obligatory backpedaling But Its Fine I Can Do Another Day ! No Worries ! etc etc #so pleaaasse cut to arakawa making a 'deal' with ichi in that he can go that day but only if he could tag along #ichi's a great kid it's worth visiting the guy who raised him right #im gonna throw up if arakawa just gets a Funny Feeling during their visit yk what i mean #he just feels Especially grateful for jiro and what he did for ichi- doesnt exactly know why maybe ichi really is just that good of a kiddo #im gona make myself throw UP oh my GOD. crying dying etc etc #if you see me write or draw anything after this no you dont #speaking of though Personal Ramble Time i knew i shouldnt have eaten until later this is my karma <- thats not how karma works #i try not to eat in the evening and the time i do unprompted BOOM mother's home. screaming crying yelling #i still had things i wanted to do upstairs too gdi now i gotta wait til monday or like. 2AM ☠️☠️☠️ #ok thats all byyyyye im gonna cope with my cringe family situation with projection 👋

[toytulini]

mental health just straight up plummeting

#toy txt post #everyday the smallest things have me spiralling into such stupid despair #constantly fighting myself cos every single thing has me wanting to throw up my hands and walk the fuck off bc theres bo point #whats the fucking point!! just despair and exhaustion and burned the fuck out and gnashing at the fucking walls and then spiralling into #a stupid little self pity self hate spiral cos im just a weak stupid little baby who cant handle the real world. plenty of ppl have it so #much worse and havent given up yet so whats my fucking problem? which is so stupid. but i cant logic my way out of this one #so i am simply sitting here feeling so god damn bad #and i dont even really have. a good reason for it. idk. like i dont have a lot of concrete quantifiable reasons i can present about why #i am so goddamn miserable at my job. im just. going insane i need out im performing badly its not worth it theres no fucking point #every day im fighting the urge to just fucking walk off over the stupidest tiniest things that are definitely not worth that kind of #reaction. like yea maybe i do need like mental health meds or smth but i also know. i need out of this fucking. job. but i dont know #like. idk its like my options are just kore of this same stupid bullshit or retail/food service. and like. shout out to retail and food #service. i fucking could not i fucking cannot. but like im reaching that point here too. everything hurts all the time with no reprieve and #all my options just feel like its gonna be ! even more stupid repetitive motions that wont help! like idk! idk what to do. i just #wanna read about stupid little fucking worms and fish but doing that professionally im not sure im up to it and #between me and that career path is thousands of dollars and homework. so #now im the rat instead now im the rat instead now im the rat instead now im the rat instead #trying so hard not to display idk red flag behavior but im Going Insane. i should just start crying at work. why bother hiding it. whats the #point #vent #ig #i should go eat. and waste the rest of my stupid fucking night playing zelda trying to soothe my brain enough to function except im not #functjoning cos then itll be 5am again and ill have done nothing but play zelda and be up too late and go to bed and not get enough sleep #and be a little to a lot late and be miserable and the cycle just fucking never ends #not enough fucking podcasts about worms out there for this #i opened several academic papers on tongue eating isopods to cope and barely read them bc i cant do that at work it takes too long and i get #lost and my productivity is already in the shit and i need to stop being on my phone and i know that but like also if i dont fucking #distract my stupid fucking brain right fucking now im gonna start throwing things and crying #anyway. thats how im doing. bye

[strwbrymlkshake]

you lied to me, and ruined everything, and ruined how I approach almost any romantic feeling at all. and all you can describe it as is having fucking beef with me. and you don't even recognize your own actions. you don't even fucking remember them. you aren't phased by it at all. I agonized, had meltdowns over it. losing me, ruining me was just a regular fucking day for you.

#mine #the other day i thought. why is my hatred worth it. why am i continuing with this? #🪳 #why am i continuing with something that happened so long ago. why do i CARE. and this is why. fucking indifference #no amount of fucking sorries will fix it. no amount of i love yous will fix it. #there is nothing you can do for my forgiveness other than die. <- banger post btw i need to make that #and this is just? fucking irrelevant to you? you changed the trajectory of my life forever and you can barely even remember #youre so wrapped up in your sick little romantic fantasy you dont even realize how many people hate you. #all the time i hear it. if so fucking many people hate the both of you and dont want you to be together then its not destiny! #you only stay together because youd be fucking nothing without eachother? so itd be best to just kill yourselves<3 #good evening yangang how are you all today. im balls to the wall batshit insane and about to get a murder charge #also good evening to everyone except terrible pieces of shit who i hate and want dead and who im writing this about. #me when i definitely have an undiagnosed mental disorder but idk what it is for sure so i just say im insane #like definitely BPD but there is something else too i feel like this cant just be one disorder #at this point i dont care if im forever regarded as a shit person because of all this. people dont really like me anyway? except val #shoutouts to val everybody. if they are reading this hii hello bestie #well there is a select few people who like me. but not enough that CARE about me. doomy for example is keeping me going #even if its just through mundane posting like this. i cant believe im liked let alone loved #maybe only my surface level personality is desirable but the more you get to know me the more annoying i am #well they still like me despite the fact im displaying every mental illness everyday on tumblr.com so thats niceys #no person is entirely bad or good. i feel like thats me though. i have so many bad actions. but so many good actions too. two halves #two wolves inside of you and all that business. thats me #also lotto to me to choosing the most shit idiot guys to care about ever this one isnt even responding to my misery #well he never responds to anyone elses misery either. and only mine if directly asked. #hes too much of a puzzle for miserable me to figure out. #well im done being angry here u go here's the post

[archipelagolago]

good things but personal so hiding in the tags

#its been a year now and WHEN will the honey moon phase be over im going ridiculous fr fr #our anniversary is literally on new years which is so fucking picturesque or whatever the word is i hate it (lying) #i got us matching bracelets and she lost hers that same day im literally so in love with her #and she told her siblings about us and her sister was just like. yeah obviously 🤨 #and then later her brother when her parents waiting in the restaurant for a table and me & her & him were in the car and he said yeah. #i figured 🙄 and then he came out to us and i love him. i love her family so much i feel unreal #and her parents literally dont know were dating. like genuinely. i dont know what they think but it works. they said next time they all go #home to the philippines they want me to come. i dont understand why they like me so much & im so scared of the day theyll find out im #dating their daughter and start hating me. but rn i feel so happy so its ok #and her mom said shes thinking of taling spamish classes at my community college and i should take them with her. even though i speak #spanish from home but i can help her #her family is just so kind to me and it makes me feel soooo i dont even know. everything #i just never thought i would be this happy its so impossible for me to understand or accept it #and everything with us is never perfect but its so much love and i feel so lucky its scaring me #i feel like im dreaming im so scared to wake up and lose it all #and its all been so hard and is going to be even harder but its worth it. more than anything and thats even more terrifying than #all the bullshit #but its good its good its good #louie type

[famewolf]

it is me, the fool, trying to figure out if i should call my boss tomorrow, on my day off no less, and officially tell him to remove me from promotion consideration ... or will i finally have the nerve to do it on wednesday and in person

#[static] #i was in line for promotion last spring but i got really burnt out and started looking for a new job #told him i needed a break after training for months doing manager things and not getting manager pay #put off looking for work to focus on the handfasting and since then the company has a new manager position that was kind of what i wanted - #-in the first place and it seems too good to be true lmao everyone says i should do it and all the managers tell me i already do the job #but i have come to the realization in my late 20s ... that you dont have to do everything that you are good at if you are not passionate - #-about it ...... like you dont need to go for every promotion handed to you if you dont like the work #this position is higher pay but less hours so i'll be getting paid the same ( if not a little less ) for an extra day off #it's not worth it and im finally realizing that! i just need to leave and start over somewhere else #something that doesnt destroy my health every day and doesnt aggravate my chronic pain disorder #something that lets me have a life outside of work!! anyways .... he told me hed really like me to do the position #and i told him to talk to me after the holidays since i thought i'd be gone by then. and im still here and its 2 weeks until the end LMAO #i think im just gonna call him i could get the nerve to finally tell him no all week. i just hate letting people down lmao #and also i kept humming and hawing about the position even though i knew it wasnt a good idea #alas ... it is ok to start over even if it feels like youve put a lot of effort and time into something

[girlwithfish]

my inner thoughts rn i ruin everything i suck im a failure im ugly im worth nothing im a bad person im unimpressive and uninteresting im not going to have a future im not going to be happy or content when will i get out of survive mode im pathetic and a loser. real

#opposite thought so i can try to turn my mindset around um im still a person and there are worse ppl out there i guess so at least im not #on that level and every person has worth even my stupid ass so 😻live another day i guess #i just dont feel very capable of having a stable normal life and i guess its my fault bc i mever feel that self assured or #positive but even when im just teying to live my life and get thru the day nd feel good #the moment i feel bad it all comes crashing down and i can fall into the worst mental pit and then self sabotage and ruin every singlething #like okk. #idk whats normal anymore i hate it so mjch bc i feel like i am dying no offense

[be-good-to-bugs]

i want 2 go back 2 makin music

#the bin #music is the one creative thing i do that im too scared to share with anyone #except my 8yo sister bc she doesnt know what good music is yet. and she is swag #i feel like with most artistic stuff theres been this push against them having to be good to be worth sharing or making #but i dont see that with music like at all. its still seen as embarrassing and bad if you post amateur kinda shitty music by most people #at least it feels that way. idk. my voice isnt good and im not good at lyrics or any instruments and im also bad with digital programs but #does any of that even really matter? im not selling my music im just making it to have fun and be happy. why is that a bad thing? #i need 2 make music 4 my games anyway. i fins that starting with a music base helps me set things around it and give better vibes #going backwards is usually really hard for me. #maybe one day ill feel comfortable enough 2 post my bad music here tho. id like 2 share it. it means a lot to me

[pixiesfondlingmyballs]

i think everybody should have a hand craft. something where they sit and create with their hands. preferably something physical simply for the pure joy of getting to hold ur creations. fucking. get back into perler beads like you did when you were 7 bro, go make shit with ur hands!

#finishing crochet projects makes my brain release all the good happy accomplishment chemicals #its like stupid. here i am holding the roundest lil creature known to man. and brain becomes sparkles and glitter #like any nd person. i have trouble completing projects. but the reward is so wonderful #with crochet. i just dont allow myself to take the project off the hook. cant start a new project if my favorite hook is occupied #i also have monkey brain but some kinda bonkers obsessive issues. so i make it a /thing/ to finish the project and make it /good/ #the only think keeping my monkey brain from being debilitating are my obsessive tendencies #all my isms run in my family. and. the final outcome is always addiction of some sort. but my dad and i have made it work #i should clarify that im not currently addicted to anything. it's just like. what the pattern says will eventually happen #technically. have been addicted before so. already happened. but itll prolly happen again #look. the point. the point is. that everyone deserves to have really good physical hobbies that they get to commit to #commitment is hard but committing to your crafts. even one that only slightly intrigues you. is so worth it #i actually hate crochet half the time. and then i finish a project. and its like the lil animal crossing sparkle emote #i feel as passionately about this as i do the importance of one weekly irl friend interaction and daily outside time #which. ik i havent talked about here before. but like. brain and body will appreciate all of it #if u can go more than a week without seeing ur best friend and feel fine. then you are a stronger man than my bff and i #it's like 5 days for us and then we both start to get antsy. which. u wouldn't think happen since we talk 24/7 anyways #and and! outside time. daily outside time. i walk around my house perimeter if i have nothing else outside to do #its stupid and i hate it but ooga booga brain needs to be in sun otherwise brain shut down #i quite literally hate getting the motivation to do it. but then i go back inside afterwards and feel so happy. and its so stupid #brain and body so complex and also so not all at once. trials and tribulations

[friendlifyre]

4 years ago i rejoined an old fanbase and met someone i was immediately infatuated with. we became really close friends really fast and over the months a lot of the things that used to belong to each of us had become ‘our’ things as we shared many with one another without restraint.

3 years ago i finally decided to attend one of the shows put on by an extremely popular local music festival seeing as one of the bands playing was one that me and this person had been enjoying together for some time. the entire process made me very wistful, however, as i deeply wished this person could have been attending with me. there ended up being a big thunderstorm that night, and they had to cancel the show after two songs.

2 years ago they announced the festival lineup and this band was set to return. we had talked about this person coming to visit me the same summer, so of course it seemed like an obvious decision to have them over at the same time the festival was going. they bought their plane tickets very prematurely though, considering there had been severe issues with our relationship for months by that point that we both knew and agreed we needed to talk about and sort through. i assumed they were just confident that we could fix things by the time they traveled here, until the rise of covid started threatening to cancel events and such, which strongly upset this person as they were worried the show would be canceled. i remember trying to reassure them while also being really hurt by their attitude, as it felt like they cared more to see this band than they did meeting up with me. i got confirmation of this a couple of months later, after we had a definitive fallout and they sent me a text telling me very explicitly how much they hated me and how glad they were that i wasnt gonna have ruined this experience for them after all. i wasnt able to listen to any of that music for months.

last year i started dating my current partner who, for months, had been unknowingly helping me reclaim so many of the things id had to let go of in the previous year because id allowed them to become an ‘our thing’ between me and that other person, including music. just getting to have my partner in my life and talking to them every day whether it was before or after we started dating has been so healing and constructive for me. ive been able to maintain a much healthier approach to most issues arising in my life this past year, because i can feel that their love is real and not hinging on something as fleeting as a common interest, and because i know i can always turn to them to talk things out openly and honestly whether its about us or something else. having this kind of positive and trustworthy presence in my life has helped me learn so much about myself and how to handle myself with other people, as i no longer have this constant paranoia that people who matter to me could get rid of me at the drop of a hat. ive been able to keep it together through tough times that i know for a fact would have broken me to my core two years ago. im still learning, i will always be a work in progress, but i can say with certainty that i have objectively improved.

today im finally seeing that band play, once and for all. im going for no one but myself and nothing can take that away from me anymore.

#personal #i feel like i havent spilled my guts into my personal tag in quite a while now #its been less and less consistant i think because i just feel a lot less alone #but a lot of things have been rolling around in my head these past couple months that i just havent bothered typing #im not rly sure if its a good or bad thing yet #i think feeling like i have a grip on what im feeling enough that i dont need to put it into written words would be a good thing #the downside is that i have no way of knowing if that grip rly is good enough or if it just feels that way bc i cant be bothered #some food for reflection in the next few days probably #the point is... this was important #even though i dont really Feel any particular way about it rn. im just excited to finally see imagine dragons live #theres so much around That that was tormenting me for so long #i think its worth documenting that i no longer feel said torment. and i get to turn that particular page for good tonight #its almost symbolic rly