#and i have so many friends and people i get on at uni and my sports it's amazing 🥹

[suddencolds]

~

#not snz #more musings 📝 / mini vent: #not sure why my social battery is so limited 😭 and also so inconsistent #i feel like i can't sustain the amount of... like continued/consistent enthusiasm i see others giving esp in group settings #i just don't know how to engage in that way without burning out #over the past few weeks i've been stuck in like #a strange state where i can't muster the energy to properly respond to even the people i'm most excited to reply to #which is strange?? #(and if that is you i am sorry 😭 i love you and i will get back to you) #i think i can't even like manage to get myself into the mindset of enjoying something for myself (eg. a conversation with a friend) #i think a part of it is the stress from work leeching into my personal life #i feel like i've been working so hard and for such long hours but its the kind of work where the progress i've made is very hard to track?? #:( i just want to be off of ******* work so i can work on ******* work again #i also want to get ahead enough on everything in my life so that i write y+v D: #i feel like i haven't had a properly restful day in weeks... even over the weekend i was busy attending to others' needs #i just want a break from it all... but i dont have enough time to take off... but i dont know how much more of this i can take #i remember also feeling during uni like i was drowning #like there were simply not enough hours in a day to deliver everything i promised. it's such an awful feeling #i just feel defeated. like i've felt exhausted for weeks and weeks on end and like i spend every waking hour working on something or other #but ofc there is nothing to do but to keep at it 😭 other people can handle all of this and more #there are so many people i refuse to let down

[fridayiminlcve]

if i dont move to nyc or london or paris by age 27 what is the point of anything

#i looooove my city so much you guys like if i wasnt who i am (queer) rn i would be so fucking glad that i am in my current city but #i loooove art and history and fashion and stuff and this citymight be about second best for all that but its still soo crowded #people WILL judge no matter what you wear something cutesy and people dont shut up especially when ur 16 and tagging along with your mom to #the mall or something and everyone just stares and even among your classmates ive been complimented so many times #for my unique style or whatever (aka i have beaded shoelaces and wear lots of jewelery and absurd ass eyeliner) and theyre like oh #n******** is so fancy itni stylish bandi hai woh and its so attention grabbing but i dont want it to be a big deal !!! #i want to like 20 badges and wear insane makeup and dye my hair without calling much attention to myself!!! #of course i know that will change slowly as you go in to uni and meet ppl of your type instead of a bazaar market and youll pick ur own #friends who r like minded but considering this is india how many people can you truly find. #also my next two years are going to be spent in a college for jee and neet kids #you can wear what you want theres no dress code but you have to appear serious studious and simple if you want to be taken seriously #elle woods at harvard law type #i asked my mom to get an industrial & second lobe piercing and actual dyed hair and shes like turn twenty get into a good college then do #not bc she minds she allowed me to get my hair dyed at age 13 but to go in th college im going to there is SO SO much rigour #and if you dont show yourself as professional and shit they will keep you in lower effort self study classes instead of best of the best #i KNOW how difficult moving abroad is bc my family does not have that money i need to do it myself its so so expensive bc the money #itself has such a high value compared to here (you see americans cribbing abt 30$ hourly wage but here that is 2500inr) #2500 inr is as much as an expensive pair of jeans here. expensive clothes here r 30$ and in usa its 300$ . see the diffence #im changing topics so much but sometimes i do feel this place is suffocating #its a priviledge i have that i can even think about going abroad comapred to other indians but still #dp you get what i mean #and ik movies and all are very romanticised so it might not even be this way in western cities and just an idealisation but still #if things change around here then the entire question of going anywhere is out the window anyway #smalltown boy will byers moment #dni if you read all this and plan on replying unless ur a close mutual (close mutuals u know who u are) #also if someone says why would you want to go to usa uk paris when they colonised your country shut up <3 shut up very much <3

[minglana]

god you can so desperately tell that spring is here..... kill me now

#la primavera la sangre altera has never been so true..... i already know of people that have [redacted] this week. #since the weather is literally springlike. and the sun is shining and you can walk outside without a coat. and oh god whats to come.... #AND WHEN WILL IT BE MY TURN!!!!!! its never my turn. 5 yrs in these stupid dorms and only one yr have i [redacted] #and it was only halfway!!!! that barely counts! i want to do it w someone i enjoy!!! IN THE DORMS. #i truly feel like im not getting the full dorm/uni experience. which of course is bullshit but idk. ive seen it happen to so many friends #and other ppl at the dorms. that i just cant help but wonder. maybe if i wasnt so cold and offputting. #but thats something thats so hard for me to control :/ #z xarre

[larrysballetslippers]

.

#I haven't been online much #i live on discord and my mental health has been declining by the day #i hate the people that are supposed to be my friends in uni #and I hate myself for keeping up this act that I don't #im anxious all the time and I feel like depression is for real approaching #im going to the uni therapist in a few weeks as I decided that it might be good to get tips on being stable #i made an appointment when I was doing well three or four weeks ago #well this week was the intake meeting and bro bro I can't believe myself #i spent a year crying and growing and healing and everything and Im still at this shitty place #and the worst is that I know I have grown and that I am doing much better but I don't see any results #I don't necessarily feel better in my skin because I haven't struggled eith my body since high school #yeah I guess I know self worth now but do I still hurt myself by staying in that friend group yes #yeah Im more confident asked many people out but I have gotten to date two which you couldn't even call date 2 #well here I am still fucking crying about the same things #i guess life is like that but I'm just as sick of this life as I am of my anxiety #already cancelling plans and things I wanna do because of anxiety #so just fuck my life Im the only one standing in my way but im the biggest obstacle #will I ever be good? i guess we will see

[adore-gregor]

I feel so lucky

#even though i often rant to complain here #i never imagined my life to be this good as it is now 🥹 #i have almost everything i ever wished for #i sometimes switch between this and feeling alone like no one gets me 😅 #like sometimes i feel like i should be so grateful but also that doesn't mean everything is awesome #often i feel like no one sees my struggles from the people i'm close to #because everyone always thinks things are easy for me like when it comes to university or because i appear so happy #it feels lonely sometimes but anyways #like they don't know the expectations people especially my family have for me even tho they don't say it normally sometimes it comes through #anyways i do have a lot to be grateful #i never had such a good relationship with my parents 🥺 it's not perfect but it feels so much more normal like it should be #and i have so many friends and people i get on at uni and my sports it's amazing 🥹 #i never thought that would be me it's like a dream :))) i struggled so much with anxiety #i was so scared to even speak to someone a few years ago 😅 #it makes the experience so pleasant i also enjoy uni <3 #(altough i still think of adding something to my major to give me more options but also i think i would like it) #my grades are good no worries of failing classes anymore atm (altough i will still worry 😂) #i even get great grades with minimal effort (though this one is only partly good as it encourages laziness haha) #and i found something i'm passionate about again i love tennis sm 🫶 #when i play i'm so happy and it gives me drive to become rly good at it even though it's not like i wanna become pro or sth. haha #it would be too late for that anyway lol tho ofc it'd be great but i just enjoy the challenge and seeing progress it's so rewarding 😁 #and tennis with friends >> #i also like football :) and it feels like the void ski jumping left behind is finally getting filled :') #like when gregor retired i kind of lost my love for the sport and yeah it's sad but i'm glad i have sth again 🥹 #also the freedom i have i could never have imagined #i could just go on a little trip with friends if i wanted to and i talked about this with a friend and i got so excited abt it 🥺😍😍 #to have the possibility to just travel when i want to :)) #i earned some money from (mostly summer) jobs these last years and it's great #and i can just get myself whatever i want mostly (i don't want crazy things) #and my family is much better off i guess that doesn't hurt either

[malpractice-morale]

continuously amazed at the fact that I have friends now

#I spent almost twenty years of my life (mostly self-)isolated and never really had friends? #like I had my best friend and usually one or two people in school I’d get along with #but I have changed so much during the covid years (20-22) both due to starting Uni and starting my volunteer job #that I actually got more social. as in I enjoy it a lot more. and I have so many people who I would consider friends. #and now I have friends who genuinely care about me and who I like and with whom I love to spend time and it’s amazing #who new that friendship actually was supposed to be fun???

[hella1975]

went to lunch with my mates the other day and a lad i used to be really good friends with (he’s from my weird popular girl party phase so he was very much in that crowd) was working at the place we were eating. and i was like oop that’s awkward for him i won’t force him to talk BUT this boy willingly started a whole convo with me and was really intent on finding out how i was doing and if things were going well for me like he still genuinely really cared and it was just really nice bc i still know so much about him that i completely forgot and he has a frank ocean tattoo now so I was like ooohhhh you got a personality i get it okay

#I’ve had that many botched friendships that usually seeing faces from the past is awkward at best triggering at worst #but this whole encounter was just genuinely sweet #and I remembered how much fondness I still have for him and I was so happy to hear he was doing well #like he’s working good and he moved house with his mum #(he’s a huge momma’s boy and his dad’s a dick so he’s proper protective of her) #and they’re both really happy and he’s off to uni next year to do something I remember he told me about when we were FIFTEEN #idk I was just really proud of him and I said I was and he looked so happy #and the friendship group I’m in rn had a pretty shit time of it at school so I know they get iffy #when I talk to my old friends bc they often associate my old friends with the people who made their lives shit #so they were all kinda stood there but I just didn’t care bc this lad was genuinely nice #and it was just a really nice interaction and I couldn’t explain to my friends why it was so nice #idk man

[sollilua]

it's official: 2 months is the longest time i can pretend to be a extrovert 🔥💥💯💥🔥

#dont get me wrong im still very happy!!! but after talking with so many people i realized that im happier with smaller friend groups #but it's still so much better to have the choice to be by myself sometimes #because while some days i love to talk and have company; other days i just want to stay with one or two friends #that's when The Deep Conversations happen #and that's okay imo #also yeah i still cant talk that much with neurotypical extroverts #idk. it feels just like when i was starting to learn English but couldn't type stuff correctly #my brain knows what it wants to say but my hands/mouth doesn't know how to say it #uni lore #anyways inner child healed and all that shit

[stillfruit]

it's so difficult to articulate the feelings i get when i see my friends engaging in healthy and good behaviors like asking for emotional support and taking the time they need to arrive because i just can't and i know i'm wrong for it but it still feels incredibly isolating

#i ofc never show this externally because i know how to act like a person i know to show empathy etc etc #and when i say i'm wrong i mean that i recognize that it's my problem how i feel and it's caused by my own issues and #it's not something i would ever put on somebody else because as i said it's not their fault i'm too repressed to do anything #but still it feels so strange to see other people having many relationships and doing so many things and still being like :( i'm so lonely #or outwarldy saying they really want to talk and that they need support with something #or always being late #i support all of that!!!! but i also know i can't do that and when we discuss relationships i know i always relate to the bad people #in the story who are not open and who do things wrong and are not considerate enough and so on #there are these common expressions such as loneliness that have vastly different meanings for people and that difference not being expresse #externally really ever makes me feel insane because it makes me feel like other people apply their understandings to my experience #anyway this was inspired by me not having friends to do sports with and also feeling like an ed relapse could be on the way #but it's not like i can do anything to either of those things because first i would never force people to exercise if they don't want to #and my friends don't enjoy the same things as i do or at least not in the ways that i do and it would be difficult for me to ask them #and second it's not like anyone even knows anything and even if they knew what could they do. nothing #the kind of “aww remember to eat” thing just doesn't fuckign work for me i need to stab myself with something #two years of uni left two thesis to do but after that idk what's keeping me here there are things that i like and people i care about #but on the long run i'm just sad and will get more alone and lonely as time passes and people find their places in each others' lives #in between these episodes it's fine i like my space i like to do things alone it's exhausting to be with people all the time but yeah #shit talking

[katya-goncharov]

why are all other autistic people so much less socially awkward and more capable than I am, or is that just how it feels to me

#i mean i do feel like it's because it's a spectrum and obviously the people who are loudest on social media and out and about most are the #ones with the lowest support needs. #but also sometimes it's like. how are you all so capable! #like today at my uni event watching the couple of other autistic people just getting along perfectly fine and being sociable while i was #really struggling #i don't know. i'm in this weird middle ground where i basically got along fine in primary school and then was completely traumatised in #high school and am basically incapable of being social or making friends since then #so it's like i don't really fit into any category and not many people seem to have the same experiences as me #especially since i'm not even diagnosed but i'm also terrible at masking so i feel like everyone would be able to tell i'm autistic right #away even though it's not on record literally anywhere

[youjustwaitsunshine]

bought some craft supplies from etsy for a ✨project✨

#i am COMPLETELY going overboard but i love crafting supplies #im literally in the process of getting a bachelors degree in craft supplies (more or less) #love craft supplies #kinda wanna finish the ✨project✨ within the week but thats SUPER unlikely esp since i have like 6 assignments to write #eh whatever two of those arent due until end of july two more until the end of the semester and only the two lab reports are due next week #and for those i have a great lab partner and we motivate each other quite well also i like her A LOT #shes such a genuinely lovely person literally everyone gets along with her shes so insanely likable #like shes the one who almost everyone is friends with (but she is MY lab partner hA) #this is turning into a love rant about my friend but i just think shes so neat. the other day she was like #'ive never before gotten to love people as quickly as you guys' and i was so 🥺🥺🥺 because i do absolutely love her too! #also i love that i can tell my friends i love them and it's nor weird because i do love them! #i love that i willed myself to talk to and go out with people during my first weeks at uni and now have so many lovely friends #just. all in all very happy to be constantly evolving into a more confident version of myself #ANYWAYS BACK TO CRAFT SUPPLIES

[yellowshulker]

i think starting uni post-covid and living at home is the worst combination in the WORLD actually

#its so difficult to make friends because like #for one nobody talks to each other #like lectures are dead silent and pretty much everyone sits alone #or like. if they do sit with someone they only talk to them in that lecture and nowhere else in my experience LOL #i thought we all hated each other but i imagine a lot of us just like #aren’t used to being around so many people after covid still? #and like i guess it also sort of took out the chunk of time where we should’ve been socialising and having fun in a way #but then i face the living at home stuff #so i don’t even have like flatmates i see daily or something #which makes it so much harder #and i can’t join societies because to be fair all of ours look a bit rubbish but simultaneously a lot are like late evening #and i commute so that’s a nuisance for me #i dunno man it just SUCKS a bit at the moment like #i love doing stuff alone but sometimes i wish i had friends who wanted to do stuff too like #i have friends but none of them wanna do things #and i love my friends a lot but i wanna do things !1!/)2£2 #yelling this into the void of tumblr i have to get it off my chest ok #lonely uni students out there i am with you we are holding hands

[the-casbah-way]

hmm only getting along with and understanding autistic trans people is very lonely when you only know 3 autistic trans people

#my friends friends are always too normal so i can’t meet ppl that way #and i get bored of everyone else or stressed out bc i don’t understand them #that is on the off chance that people even consider talking to me in the first place #which doesn’t happen anywhere near as often as it used to now that i’m not normal looking #i have so many “Friends” but i stopped hanging out with them all bc i didn’t actually enjoy it #they’re all so. i dunno so boring and confusing and low key mean in that way neurotypicals are #i have to mask around all of them and the ones who knew me before still see me as a girl i cba #i also don’t have time for friends bc i don’t want distractions from uni butZ lonely

[awkward-smirks]

.

#i used to be so jealous of people and their friend groups #like i used to think that in college i'd be able to find my 4-6 person friend group that would be my ride or dies #and we'd go to parties and beach trips and home games and study together and whatever #that was really the life i wanted bc i was so lonely and craved being part of something #but now that i'm done all that #it's not even painful to me that i didn't have that #because i have so so many friends who love me #like two of them came on my graduation day and another one came down from another state to visit me #and all my classmates said such sweet things all the way up until the end #and my friends in my major took me out to six flags #and at least five more have expressed actual plans to come see me #six* once my bestie from uni comes back from virginia #and even more people from my entire life came out to say congratulations #from my elementary school friends/teachers #to friends from both my high schools #and my teachers from those high schools #then my community college friends and professors #and finally everyone from the uni i graduated from #and that's a lot of people who believed in you to get to this point #like looking back i am really really loved #and even if i don't think i deserve any of it #clearly a lot of people do to the point where it's illogical not to believe it as well #i just am so so grateful and touched #like it's crazy to reflect that u exist for people and even the people u assume are only acquaintances actually notice u and care!! #like one girl from my club went to graduation for her other friend but she saw me and immediately texted me 'I JUST SAW YOU!!!!!!!!!!!' 😭 #this will be a moment i remember fondly 🥺💖 #WAIT #also my internet friends????????? from all the way back in 2014 up until now??? on all platforms including my twitter and wattpad friends #this is absolutely wild that y'all have stayed w me for so long (or even recently and u still are so joyous) #sandy rambling

[mayonakano-archive]

hm.

#leoposting #vent in tags #i... have come to realize that i am... very lonely #you'd think that wouldn't be so given how many friends and people i have around me. but honestly... as much as i love my online friends #my real life is quite... desolate. #i don't really have a relationship with my parents (not a good one; at least. i tolerate them at best); all my friends graduated #so we barely see each other. my current school friends are just that - school friends. we don't talk outside of our shared classes. #i have my cat but she's getting old and... i probably have to leave her soon which genuinely makes me want to cry. #i doubt i can take her to uni. especially if i go overseas. i wouldn't do that to her. #huh. never thought that'd be the thing that makes me rethink all my plans. guess leaving your life companion is a little difficult... #it's difficult to imagine her not around. we grew up together. i got her as a kitten when i was 4. i don't wanna think about that anymore.. #but. life is lonely. it's not like i have places to be or anything. i barely talk to people. i guess that's my own fault though #i'm basically a shut-in with little interest in the outside world. my optimal life is shut up in some basement somewhere #all i need is a PC and some consoles and some food and i'm content to never be seen again... #it's... whatever. i guess. all i can do is push forward. i don't really expect people to stay in my life long. #i'm just grateful for the time they give me. maybe it's inevitable that people leave me. it's okay. #if i can bring them joy before then; then i'm happy. i hope people look back on me fondly. #i hope they never think of me again.

[iintervallum]

I hate the dismisal of online lgbt spaces as not as important as in real life or what goes on within the spaces as not that bad, because for me at least, I don't have anyone I know in my area that I can talk to about being lgbt, and I'm relatively scared of selectiviely outing myself to find more people, because i really wouldnt want it to get back to my parents somehow.

My point is, online spaces are very important as a point of connection for the many of us that have no one irl, and I hate how any serious method of discussion gets turned into discourse. like people saying there is a severe amount of lesbophobia, biophobia, transmisogyny and racism in the community are not picking fights. we're trying to make this space better because for some of us its all we have! so please, do better.

#aster.txt #kind of a vent more than anything because its frustrating and i'm getting both nostalgia for the past and derision for it #there were two people i did know in my HS that are lgbt but they both moved to canada for uni #one of them is a total sweetheart and I miss talking to her so much #like they were such a wonderful person to complain about our schools stupid rules #and how shitty gender roles are and how conservative indian parents suck #and last i saw shes transfem since they made a secret priv account with she/they pronouns and them wearing a dress as the first post #i hope she found people that they could connect to where ever she is now #the other is not so positive a story lol #she is the main reason why my self esteem issues went from not that good to very bad #like her mind games and the fact that she called me clingy as an attempt to get another friend to stop being around them was shitty #i isolated myself from other people for a long time becasue i thought i would just ruin things if i got too close and showed my personality #despite her doing that i didnt actually hate her until i found out what she did to a friend of mine #my friend was having family issues because her father had tyroid cancer and her “friends” including that person forced her to tell them #and that person had the gall to say that what she was going through wasn't that bad and she should stop making stuff about herself #after they forced her to open up #god i hated high school uni isnt any better but i'm glad its not high school #so many petty people because we're all teenagers going through our own shit and we're still figuring things out #i'm half thinking of just unfollowing a lot of them on instagram becasue they sucked but no i wont do that..yet