#and i fuck it up every time. but i tell myself as soon as i leave the building Go Right Not Left Go Right

[ghostofaboy]

... Your Call Is Important

Summary: Dave, Marcus and Javier continue their day together. (Direct Sequel to Hold Please…)

Pairing: Dave York/Javier Peña/Marcus Pike Rating: Explicit | Word Count: 2457 Part 2 of 2

Warnings: Oral sex, anal sex, double anal penetration, threesome - m/m/m

Note: This has not been beta read so I apologize for any mistakes. This is a fic with gay/bi characters. Please make sure you’ve read the warnings. Dividers: @saradika-graphics

As he rested on the large hotel bed, Dave found himself watching the tiny dust motes float through the air. Beside him, Marcus lay panting, his head tucked against Dave’s neck as the younger man came down from his stifled orgasm. The cool air of the room sent goosebumps dancing across their skin as their sticky, sweat drenched forms remained tangled together after the activities moments earlier. 

“You doing ok?” Dave murmured into Marcus’ hair, his gazed drifting down to the younger man’s still painfully erect cock, held in place with a black cock-ring.

“Yeah.” Marcus shifted his head to look up at Dave, his beautiful brown eyes looking darker than ever with dilated pupils almost erasing all color. “I’m good. Fuck, I wanna cum though.” Marcus laughed nervously, and Dave couldn’t stop himself from planting a kiss on his forehead. 

“You will, baby boy. You just have to be patient and let us old men get a second wind.”

“Who you calling old?” Javier muttered, striding back into the bedroom and throwing a hand towel over to Dave. “I’ll be good to go soon enough, precioso.” Javier threw Marcus a wink, cheekily waving his soft cock at them both.

“You haven’t changed at all, Peña.” Dave chuckled as he gently began to wipe the cum from Marcus’ face. “Still the same bullshit and swagger as always.”

“I could say the same to you, York.” Javier climbed back onto the bed and settled down next to Marcus, propping himself up on his elbow. “You still have to be in charge, don’t you?”

“You used to like me being in charge.” Dave threw the sticky towel back at Javier, who threw it down onto the floor, glaring. “Or at the very least you never complained when I’d have you cumming on my cock.”

“Listen,” Javier frowned, pointing at finger at Dave. “I don’t need another round of-”

“How did you two meet?” Marcus cut in, shifting to sit up. “You promised to tell me and well, neither of you are perking up just yet, so we have the time.”

“So rude, baby boy.” Dave chuckled, shaking his head, looking down at his still flaccid cock. “But, you’re not wrong.”

“You want to tell the story, I assume.” Javier smirked as he idly stroked his dick. 

“Well, I’ll start.” Dave grinned. “We were both at god awful joint departmental function and-”

“It was for charity.” Javier interrupted. “And it wasn’t that bad. Just, well, you know how these things are… just boring.”

“Right.” Dave rolled his eyes. “Anyway. I’m trying not to drink myself into a coma just for something to do when I spot this one.” Dave nodded his head towards Javier. “He was flirting up a storm with a very disinterested intern, and so-”

“She wasn’t an intern.” Javier scowled. “Fuck York, you make it sound like she was just a kid. She was a junior administrative aid, and for the record, she was very interested.”

“I thought you were letting me tell this story, Peña.”

“Well, you’re fucking telling it wrong.” Javier shrugged.

“So what happened then?” Marcus gave a small laugh. “After Dave spotted you?”

“Look, long story short, we ended up blowing each other in a side room.” Javier waved his hand dismissively. “After that we hooked up every few weeks until… until we didn’t.”

“Well, that’s a shitty version.” Marcus shook his head. “I want the long story, not the cliff-notes.”

“And I want to fuck you again.” Javier reached over to pinch Marcus’ nipple, before locking eyes with Dave. “And I’m ready to go again, viejo.”

Dave’s eyes wandered down Javier’s body and sure enough, jutting out proudly, was the other man’s growing erection. Glancing over at Marcus, Dave was just in time to see the young man lick his lips in anticipation before smiling at Javier. 

“I’ll tell you the full story next time, baby boy.” Dave purred into Marcus’ ear, kissing the younger man softly. “And fuck you, Peña, I’m ready.”

“Please let me cum this time.” Marcus gestured down to his trapped cock, his smile growing in relief as Dave nodded. 

“I got you.” Javier stroked a hand down Marcus’ face, gently cupping the younger man’s jaw, before leaning in for a long tender kiss.

Dave watched for a moment as his two lovers melded together, Javier’s tongue darting into Marcus’ mouth, all the while pumping his cock. Dave shook his head, allowing himself a smirk at Javier’s determination to get hard before him. The man never changed. And that was enough to wake Dave’s own member, and as he reached over to free Marcus from the cock-ring, Dave felt his dick twitch awake.

Marcus sighed into Javier’s mouth as Dave released him, tossing the ring onto the nightstand. Settling back onto the pillows, Dave watched and waited for the other two men to part, trying to push away the feeling of jealousy that tugged at the back of his mind. The softness that Javier poured into Marcus was something he and Javier never had, and something Dave could never allow himself to give to the younger man. Finally, Javier pulled back, smiling down at Marcus, their eyes locked on each other before they eventually turned to Dave.

“You good?” Dave forced himself back into the moment, pushing down any bubbling feeling, instead tugging on his erection.

“We’re good.” Marcus smiled back at him with flushed pink cheeks, while Javier simply gave a quick nod.

“Wonderful.” Dave reached over, pinching one of Marcus’ nipples hard, pulling a gasp and soft moan from the young agent. “Now, why don’t you come ride this cock and let me fill your ass. Let me add my cum to Peña’s.”

A low groan sounded from behind the grinning Marcus as Javier’s eye roamed down his body to Marcus’ ass, and Dave knew what he was thinking. He was thinking of the load he’d left inside Marcus’ already sloppy hole a short time ago. Perhaps once Dave added his own seed Marcus would be able to hold it in or perhaps, Dave hoped, he wouldn’t.

Swinging a leg over Dave’s torso, Marcus swiftly straddled him, his red leaking tip dripping onto Dave’s stomach as he moved. Over to their left Javier watched with dark, lust filled eyes, his gaze fixed on Marcus as he lined Dave’s cock up with his entrance. Then with a long, obscenely deep moan, Marcus sank down, engulfing Dave in his heat.

“Fuck baby b-” Dave pinched his eye shut for a moment to collect himself as Marcus immediately began to move. “In a rush?”

Placing his hand firmly on Marcus’ hip to still him, and after one final roll of his hip, Marcus stopped, staring grumpily down at Dave. Javier chuckled, shifting on the bed to kneel beside Dave’s head and nudged his cock against his lips. 

Locking eyes with Marcus, Dave slowly parted his lips to allow Javier entry, more than a little proud as both men groaned in response. Javier thrust lazily into Dave’s mouth, who flattened his tongue and sucked the tip hard. Held steadily in place, Marcus watched the show, his eyes flicking between Dave’s steely gaze and the sight of seeing the older, sterner agent with a thick dick in between his lips.

Releasing Javier’s cock, Dave began to kiss and lick along the length, pulling hisses and moans from Javier. Still holding an impatient Marcus with one hand, Dave beckoned him forward with the other, flicking the tip of his tongue across the slit of Javier’s cock. With a smirk that made Dave twitch inside the younger man, Marcus slowly leaned forward until he was face to face with Dave. 

Then quick as a flash Marcus pounced forward, his lips meeting Dave’s to kiss him sloppily and clumsily with Javier’s girth trapped between their lips. 

“Mierda.” Javier growled above them, thrust his cock toward to fuck between their mouths. “Both of you lick it. That’s right… fuck.”

Dave swirled his tongue around the tip while Marcus focused on the shaft, reaching out to fondle and tug on Javier’s balls. Dave kept his eyes fixed on Marcus, watching as the younger man sucked along the length before finding Dave’s lips to give him a slobbering kiss before working his way back up towards Javier's bush.

Satisfied that Marcus wasn’t going to blow his load the second he started to move now, Dave released Javier with a pop, turning his head to look up at the other man.

“I think it’s time to fuck our boy, don’t you?”

Javier frowned for a moment, before a single eyebrow quirked up as he caught onto Dave’s meaning. Glancing at Marcus planted on Dave’s cock, Dave could see the uncertainty in Javier’s eyes. Frowning again, Javier shook his head.

“Are you sure?”

“He can take it.” Dave playfully slapped Marcus’ ass, pulling a surprised yelp and laugh from the young man. “Can’t you, baby boy? Should I send Peña the pictures of you with that red dildo in you?” Looking back over at Javier, Dave grinned, dropping his voice to an exaggerated whisper. “I could fit both my hands in him afterward.”

Javier growled, pulling his cock back and away from Marcus and Dave’s lip, and climbed swiftly along the bed until he was behind Marcus again. From his seat atop Dave, Dave felt Marcus shudder in anticipation as Javier busied himself squeezing out more lube.

“You can take it.” Dave soothed, rubbing gently circles on Marcus’ hip. “We’re both going to fill you and it’ll feel so good when you cum.”

Marcus nodded, making a soft needy sound as Javier placed a hand on his back to push him forward slightly. As Marcus folded himself over, resting his face in the crook of Dave’s neck, Dave watched as Javier lined himself up. Dave could feel the other man’s heavily cock resting against the base of his own. Then slowly, achingly slowly, Javier began to push in.

Marcus arched his back and groaned, a low throaty sound that had Dave biting back his own moans as Javier continued to ease his way in. The sensation of Javier’s cock sliding against his own flooded Dave with a dizzying rush of heat that steadily built as the other man stretched Marcus’ entrance, splitting him open until he was fully buried alongside Dave. 

Marcus was panting into the crook of Dave’s neck, making soft whimpers and moans while his hole spasmed around them both. Javier’s face was flushed as he locked eyes with Dave, and Dave understood immediately. Despite all the swagger and bullshit earlier, Javier wanted, perhaps needed, Dave to take the lead.

With a simple nod from Dave, Javier began to slowly and cautiously move. Keeping his eyes fixed on Dave, Javier dragged his cock along Dave’s length, the two men held snugly inside Marcus’ ass. The feeling was electrifying, pulling a strangled cry from Marcus along with a muffled curse.

Javier began to roll his hips, tenderly at first, still wary of hurting Marcus, his eyes gazing into Dave’s. Eventually, Marcus lifted his head up, gasping as he looked over his shoulder towards Javier.

“Please.” His voice caught in his throat as he begged. “Fuck... fuck me. Hard. I want it hard.”

“You heard him.” Dave’s eyes never left Javier’s.

Baring his teeth, Javier bucked forward sharply, plunging his length deep into Marcus before withdrawing and jolting forward again. Grabbing Marcus by the shoulders, Javier began to fuck the younger man, taking control of the pace for him and Dave. All the while, Dave met his eye, feeling the lust inside him build as he watched it inside Javier's dark eyes. 

Despite his cockiness, Dave had never done anything like this before, and it was taking everything he had to keep his composure. Every nerve sang with Javier’s thrusts. His head throbbed with the intoxicating fog conjured by Marcus’ soft whimpers. All he wanted to do was throw his head back and howl as he came as the heat took over his entire body. But he couldn’t. He wouldn’t. So Dave held Javier’s eye and watched as the gruff DEA agent came undone. 

Red-faced with his breath coming out in bursts from between gritted teeth, Javier pounded into Marcus, the friction of his cock against Dave’s pulling both men closer to the edge quicker than either had anticipated. 

“F-fuck.” Javier stuttered, his hips faltering for a couple of strokes. “I’m gonna... I’m gonna…”

“Me too.” Marcus cried out as he came with a shudder, his muscles tensing around the cocks in his ass. With a cry, Dave felt Marcus spilling himself over the older man’s stomach, before collapsing boneless on top of Dave.

Javier kept his eyes locked with Dave as he came, his hips stuttering as Dave felt his cum flooding into Marcus. Dave was almost sure Javier mouthed something to him, but as his own climax hit, Dave’s vision blurred as he tumbled over the edge. Gripping the bedsheets, Dave arched his back as he emptied himself into Marcus. 

“How was your meeting?” Carol’s voice was soft in his ear as Dave looked out of the hotel room window out onto the city streets below him. The sun was just beginning to set, sending streaks of orange flaring out into the sky. “Do you think you’ll be home tonight?”

“We ran over.” Dave glanced over to the bed and the two men fast asleep in each other’s arms. Shifting the phone to his other ear, Dave wandered over to the hard, modern looking chair, running his hand along the smooth gray fabric. “I’ll be home tomorrow. Afternoon at the latest. The hotel is nice, though.”

“Well, that’s a plus.” His wife laughed before a noise in the background caught her attention. “Oh! I have to go, Cindy’s back with the girls.”

“Ok.” Dave sighed at the mention of their neighbor’s name, the woman Carol had been fucking for two years. “You two have fun.”

“Oh, don’t be like that.” Carol teased, the sounds of the girls in the background getting louder. “You have your fun, I have mine. Say hi to Marcus for me. I’ll see you tomorrow, honey. I love you.”

“I will.” Dave couldn’t stop himself from giving a soft laugh. “Love you too.”

Hanging up, Dave looked over to the bed and the two naked men, finding them both still sleeping soundly. Marcus resting his head on Javier’s chest smiled contentedly as Javier huffed in his sleep. Climbing into the large bed to sandwich Marcus between him and Javier, Dave settled into the pillows, watching the dust motes dance through the warm beams of light while he waited for his lovers to wake.

taglist: @aurorawritestoescape, @vabeachazn, @perotovar, @morallyinept, @for-a-longlongtime

#javier peña #dave york #marcus pike #narcos #the equalizer 2 #the mentalist #pedro pascal character fanfiction #pedro pascal character fiction #pedro pascal characters

[rebelwrites]

Twenty Six: He’s Gone

Charles Leclerc x Nova Teller (OC)

Till the wheels fall off Masterlist

Small town meets the fast lane. What happens when two souls meet? Will it end in happiness or will they both crash and burn?

Once again I’m sorry

As always reblogs and feedback is highly appreciated ❤️ if you want tagging in future parts let me know ❤️

Staring into the darkness I just felt numb, in a matter of hours everything had come crashing down on the family. I refused to believe that the man that saved my life, the person I looked up to and the one I ran to in my time of need was now gone. Nothing could stop this pain, I had dealt with a lot of heartbreak in my life but this was by far the worst. I felt like I had just watched someone cut my heart out of my chest, ripping it to pieces followed by setting it on fire in the process.

“Nova, sweetie, can you come in here for a second,” Pascale called from the living room.

Letting out a heavy sigh I slowly kicked the kitchen chair away from my body as I stood up. I felt like I had lead bricks tied to my feet, weighing me down with every step I took.

The moment my gaze locked onto my brother’s expression I found myself struggling to hold back tears, I could count on one hand the amount of times I saw Jax cry so seeing him this broken was like someone was stabbing me in the gut.

He roughly wiped his eyes with the back of his hands before lifting the blanket up signaling for me to join him and Elenor. Shuffling across the room I found myself flopping on the sofa, resting my head on my older brother’s shoulder trying not to break down for the millionth time this evening. I honestly didn’t know how I was still producing tears.

“I know you are both hurting right now,” Pascale said softly as she perched on the edge of the coffee table, “I am not going to tell you your feelings are invalid because we all grieve in different ways, so do what you need to do,” she paused, resting her hand on my knee. “Drink a whole bottle of whiskey, get high, punch things but please stay in the house where I know you are both safe.”

Taking a deep breath I flashed her the weakest smile, I was so grateful she was here, I honestly don’t know how we would have coped if it was just the three of us. The sound of my phone vibrating on the wooden table was the only noise that echoed through the room. Pascale slowly picked the device up before holding it out to me. “C'est Char, ma chérie. Ne le repousse pas, laisse-le être la force dont tu as besoin maintenant. It’s Char, my dear. Don't push him away, let him be the strength you need right now.” she whispered.

I knew she was right but how was I meant to tell him the Pops had died, I was struggling to form words to Pascale and Jax. Reaching out I took my phone off her before pushing myself to my feet. My heart sank when I realized Charles was facetiming me, there was no way I could try and hide anything. Part of me didn’t want to tell him what had happened because he needed to keep his focus on today’s qualifying, however deep in my heart I knew he needed to know.

Soon enough Charles’ face appeared on my screen, his smile was as bright as the sun but his expression quickly changed when he took in my appearance. I knew I looked like I had been dragged through the bushes, my hair was sticking all over the place and my eyes were red and puffy from the hours of crying.

“Nova, que s'est-il passé ? Parle-moi. Nova, what happened? Talk to me,” he said softly, with a concerned look on his face.

“He’s go-” my bottom lip started quivering as the word got caught in my throat, the thought of saying it made it real, leaning my phone against the bottle of beer on the kitchen counter I covered my face with my hands as my body shook from the sobs. I tried to steady my breathing before I spoke again, I desperately needed him here with me but he was practically the other side of the world, in Japan, “he’s gone Char, he’s fucking gone.”

“Sunshine, who’s gone?” he asked quietly.

“Pops.” I cried, refusing to look at the screen.

Charles found himself frozen on the spot, it was like someone had just pressed a mute button and the buzz of the garage suddenly disappeared. He couldn’t believe what his girlfriend had just told him, running his hand over his face he tried his hardest to blink back tears but it was no use. He didn’t care if the cameras caught him as he barged past the mechanics trying to get out of the crowd. Once he was alone in his driver room he slumped down onto the floor, “Babygirl, I am so fucking sorry,” Charles cried, knotting his fingers in his hair. “I can’t believe it.”

“I don’t know what to do Char,” Nova sobbed.

The sound of her heartbreak was crushing Charles, knowing he was what felt like a million miles away, when his girl needed him the most. Before he met Nova all that mattered was racing but now he didn’t give a shit about today’s qualifying nor the race tomorrow, he needed to be back in Charming with the person who meant the world to him.

His heart sank as he let his last conversation with JT play over and over in his head, it was something he was glad he got to do, especially because he knew how much JT meant to Nova.

The pair of them sat in silence both with tears streaming down their cheeks.

“Fuck, I was only on the phone with him yesterday,” the Monégasque breathed, looking up at the ceiling trying to hold it together the best he could for Nova, but he was failing drastically. “He seemed absolutely fine.”

“What, what do you mean Char?” Nova whimpered, causing Charles to look down at the screen.

Taking a breath he shook his head, he couldn’t tell her the reason for the phone call, he had the perfect plan in his head, although the news of JT might cause him to change things slightly. “I was just checking in on him,” he whispered, trying to not reveal the truth, silently hoping that Nova wouldn’t ask too many more questions.

Charles found himself wandering aimlessly around the garage, his phone pressed against his ear, hoping he caught JT on a good day especially with the question he was wanting to ask.

After four rings the cheery voice of JT came through the device.

“Aren’t you meant to be getting ready for free practice?” he chuckled, causing a large smile to appear on Charles’ face. His body sagged in relief as JT was making jokes over the traditional greeting.

“I swear I am getting in the car very soon, this just couldn’t wait,” he said, rubbing the back of his neck with the palm of his hand. His heart was pounding against his chest, for some reason he was petrified that JT was going to say no and his hopes and dreams would come crashing down around him.

“The camera just panned over to you and they are making jokes about this being such an important call it’s delayed you getting into the car,” JT chuckled, Charles could feel the warmth coming through the phone.

“This kinda is an important phone call,” Charles breathed, letting his eyes flutter closed as the words fell from his lips. “I have something to ask and I think this is going to be the second most important question I will ever ask.”

He could picture JT sitting there with an amused look on his face with a raised eyebrow, “You know I am intrigued now son, what is the most important question?” JT hummed, the tone of his voice told Charles he knew what was coming.

Charles took a deep breath before responding, “asking your daughter to marry me,” he paused, trying to calm his racing heart down a little, “she is the one for me, I want her to be my wife, more than I want to win the championship. So JT I am asking for your blessing for Nova’s hand in marriage.”

He was met with silence, causing his mind to race. His stomach was churning as he waited patiently for a response. “Boy, it’s taken you long enough to ask.” Charles was a little taken back by the response, he was worried that because he hadn’t been dating Nova long it would be a red flag to JT but here he was joking about the time it took. “I knew you were the one for my little girl the moment I introduced you to her.”

Charles’ heart fluttered hearing JT speak. A large smile appeared on his face as he glanced around the garage, holding his finger up to Andrea signaling he would only be a minute. “I am so glad you said that, because I already have the ring.”

JT paused for a moment before speaking, “I’m glad to know my sweet angel will be taken care of when I’m gone.” Charles could hear him choking on his words as he spoke, in fact hearing JT talk about when he was gone instantly brought tears to the Monégasque’s eyes. “Thank you for making her so happy, I haven’t seen her this cheerful in years.”

“Now JT, there isn’t any need to be saying shit like that, I don’t think you are going anywhere for a long time old man, plus Nova wouldn’t let you anyway,” Charles said with a small chuckle trying to lighten the conversation.

Hiding his face in his hand, there was no way he could go out and race, not now. He knew he would just end up putting the car into the wall and that was the last thing anyone needed, especially Nova.

The sound of someone knocking on the door gained Charles attention, causing him to look up as Andrea’s face appeared. “Charles, on a besoin de toi dans la voiture dans cinq minutes. Charles, we need you in the car in five minutes.” Andrea said with a large smile which quickly fell when he saw the state of Charles.

Charles took a deep breath, looking back at his phone, “Sunshine, I gotta go,” he hummed,

Nova flashed him a weak watery smile. “Please stay safe out there, Char,” she cried, roughly wiping away her tears with the back of her hand. “I don’t know what I’d do if I lost you too.”

“Je ne vais nulle part, bébé. I'm not going anywhere, baby,” he whispered, “I love you.”

“I love you too, Char. Get pole and win this one for Pops.”

The call came to an end, Charles took a moment to steady his breathing before pushing himself to his feet. “I need to find Fred,” he mumbled, causing Andrea to flash him a worried look. “Nova’s dad passed away last night.”

The moment the words left his lips he felt like someone had just stabbed a knife through his chest.

“Oh Char, I am so sorry,” Andrea said quietly, placing his hand on his shoulder. “Fred is out on the pitwall, do you want me to go get him, saves you being hounded by the media.”

“If you don’t mind,” Charles sighed, wiping his eyes with the sleeve of his fireproof top.

Andrea quickly disappeared from the doorway of the small room leaving Charles alone with his thoughts. His heart was in a million pieces right now, JT was an amazing man. Even though he had only known him for a short period of time he welcomed him and Pierre into his life with open arms. Suddenly the door burst open revealing his best friend standing in the opening, looking exactly how Charles thought he looked.

“Get your shit, we are going,” he gasped, like he had ran the length of the pitlane to get to Charles. “Jax just texted me, told me what had happened,” Pierre whispered, trying to hold back tears. Before Charles could speak Fred appeared by Pierre’s side, Charles had no idea how he would react to him dropping out of the race but he didn’t care either way he was getting on the first flight from Japan to California.

It was as if the words were caught in Charles’ throat, “I’m not racing,” he finally managed to spit out. He was struggling to explain to Fred what the situation was due to the tears that wouldn’t stop falling. Luckily Pierre stepped in to update the Ferrari team principal.

“Why are you still here?” Fred asked, cocking his brow at his number one driver. “Get your ass on the next plane.” Charles was a little taken back, he didn’t expect Fred to respond like this. “We will get Rob in the car, luckily he has already done FP1 this weekend so we aren’t breaking any rules. Go be with Nova, she needs you more than I do right now.”

@withmyteeth @chibsytelford @stillbreathin @danzer8705 @keyweegirlie @burningcupcakefire @dragon-of-winterfell @ohthemisssery @a-distantdreamer @sgkophie @angywritesstuff @enchantedbytomandhenry @scribbuluswrites @dangerouspursepeachbear @buendiabebeta @ferrarifwendvale @theplobnrgone @charlesleclercje @queenslife @panicforspec @justme2042 @liv67 @derpinathebrave @clcspeonies @pleasantducktimetravel @raaaaabzzz @mehrmonga @sbgal @fangirl-lb @pitconfirmbutton @oslokij @tall-tanned-tattoo @bigcreatorwombatdreamer @pumpkin-spice-hate @talicat713 @band--psycho @little-diable @i-love-scott-mccall @fourthwallhateclub @theysayitscrazy @rosieposie0624 @choochoo284 @meteora-fc @beeroses @darklydeliciousdesires @the-jer-bear @extraneousred @youflickedtooharddamnit @babypink224221

#Charles Leclerc #Charles Leclerc x oc #charles leclerc imagine #charles leclerc x reader #charles leclerc x female reader #sons of anarchy #jax teller #jax teller x reader #jax teller imagine #sons of anarchy imagine #sons of anarchy x reader

[cashmere-caveman]

hello everyone :) inspired by this post by @burrowingregg, please enjoy my thoughts on "what if crozier fucking dies and little becomes captain"

if he dies before sir john

one of two outcomes. sir john either doubles down ("we have to find the nwp for francis!"/"well now that the haters are gone its time to have Real Men Solve This Like Champs") or he goes hm. maybe this is a sign and actually this is a dire situation. perhaps we should pack it in men

i dont rlly have any thoughts on this except i am rlly curious what this would do to fitzy. does he ramp up the charming pretender routine now that he's the uncontested no1 son and crozier cleary didnt know what he was talking about or would this be an early wakeup call and jumpstart the fury beach convo w blanky?

if he dies pre ep4 (tuunbaq)

the lashing would not turn out this way bc little wouldnt have hickey punished as a boy -> less men would berth on erebus

mutiny later maybe? definitely different

(is this a good moment to squeeze in some solittle bc they have to cooperate to keep all the men in check.)

definitely better communication within terror command bc the lieutenants will know little is going to hear them out i think and since little sucks at asserting authority hed have to rely on them more than crozier did

weird tension between jopson and little i think. is it sexual. is it antagonistic. actually maybe i could see jopson joining a mutiny in a crozier dead scenario hmmm…. heres how hickeyjopson can still win !!1!!!!!

if he doesnt survive the withdrawal

jopson.exe stopped working

maybe i could see jopson joining a mutiny in a crozier dead scenario hmmm…. heres how hickeyjopson can still win !!1!!!!! (1).docx

joplittle coworkers to enemies speedrun. i think jopson would grieve so fucking much but then go Ah! We compartmentalise this emotion! Nothing easier than that :) and then hed be so fucking passive agressive as the new captains steward without even realising bc WHY does little walk around alive and hale when little was the one who got crozier the alcohol that killed him how is that fair (jopson is Not at a point where he is willing to confront the fact that he himself was just as much an enabler as little, if not more so)

also sidenote but he wouldnt shave little since that actually never was in a stewards job description in the first place lol no homoerotic blade to throat interaction for you, sir!!

i do think little and fitzjames would work well together! they did a good job on coordinating the carnivale and fitzjames is not someone who lashes out a lot, which is good bc little does not deal well w getting screamed at

i think blanky would become elemental. w crozier dead and mcdonald gone hes the last brit who speaks inuktitut fluent enough to communicate w silna Plus hes one of the v few remaining high ranking arctic veterans

(what would change in a scenario like this if my good friend and upcoming romance novel love interest graham gore - who was an arctic veteran and even competent and charismatic - was still around? food for thought)

what would hickey do? the object of his obsession is out of the picture so he cant get revenge for getting whipped, he still wants to go to his tropical vacation and i think w crozier dead he would switch to survival mode 3000 (he is always already in survival mode to begin with, but i mean the point at which he switches from playing defense to offense) sooner. if the captains dead theyre fucked for real whats holding him back? hickey voice in fact what is holding anyone back? men, we need to confront the situation!

i really think this might be where thomas "shouldve been a news reporter" jopson would shine. that nosy bitch knows about Everything going on, and in a situation like this where every information must be handled in a v tactical way so as to Manage The Situation i think there would be a great deal of avenues of action open to someone in a position like his. especially, i think, bc to me a great deal, if not to say the entirety of jopsons optimism and endurance and focus is simply build on this vast foundation of trust he has in crozier and w crozier gone, what happens to all of that? there are a few ways this could play out imo

a) he instead reorients himself toward the next Authority Figure, which in this case would probably be Fitzjames. I do think it is unlikely, simply bc due to crozier dying during withdrawal the fences would not yet have mended entirely and jopson Will Hold A Grudge. it wont be little, for previously mentioned reasons, even though i dont think jopson would be able to realise that himself. he does not have a lot of interactions w the other lieutenants up until then (not counting serving dinner etc) and since iirc they had not been called into the Sobriety Meeting i dont quite know about how much he would trust them. so unless sth drastically changes during the walkout the options would be fitzjames or little and i personally vote no on both

b) he would retreat into himself and simply Wait. wait for what? u ask. well :) he would wait. and then, maybe one day he might even React. but for now, he would Wait, and Pay Attention

c) i realize this is quite a shrewder reading of jopson than what dave k has said of how he sees him but as i said earlier to me a lot of jopsons "goodness" hinges of crozier providing him w the trust he needs to unfold these qualities. and w that gone, i think that leaves him as someone v smart, in a position where he has access to a lot of information, and also in a state of absolutely crushed hopes and reopened trauma. and that certainly does put you in a set of mind doesnt it?? atp his trust in the remaining leadership might be v fragile and he would certainly wonder how any of this would go on. so hed either implode and fucking idk. wither. (which, for the record, i think he would Not do) Or! he would decide that alright. no one left to handle this but himself so time to take matters into his own hands! youve shot smaller hawks than this tommy its time to get out of here! which, again, is where i think a possible hickey alliance, maybe via billy, might take place. if jopson and hickey would team up for a mutiny they would definitely constantly be daydreaming of killing each other <3 not to be me but i would read the fuck out of a hickeyjopson mutiny vs a solittefitz alliance. give me intrigue! give me bastardry! give me some fucking losers dishing it out in the canadian arctic over the worlds worst buffet options!

this is not necessarily a full point on its own but more of an addendum: i genuinely think jopson has it in him to pull a dundy. aka i think he v much does strike me as someone who would stage a quiet not so much mutiny but a quiet usurpation of power through simple calculated ruthlessness. which! speaking of usurpation!

option d) jopson decides that hes the only competent bitch left and the only way to ensure everyones survival is to go full grima wormtongue and become the puppet master advisor to littles captain. little would actually let this happen and might even welcome it. we know this guy is genetically engineered to follow orders. dont say i never did anything for joplittle enjoyers!!!

crozier dies during the walkout at any point:

i dont really have anything big for this. it would be bad but depending on what has happened at that point (how scurvy ridden is fitzjames? is jopson a lieutenant yet? has hickey killed irving already?) it might not change too much tbh

if he gets shot during morfins suicide it would be disastrous i think but it might actually make the men come closer together again maybe? if little becomes captain then and there maybe the mutiny might get prevented or at least postponed bc little would let the marines get their armed patrol and thus might not be as resentful/mistrusting toward command. ofc little As A Captain trusting tozer and getting fucking bamboozled by him if the mutiny still happened would be an even worse look lmfao. that is if morfin shot him. if it was however a Marine who shot crozier…… well. i think thered be an execution first thing at daybreak! and any and all weapons would be under lock and key w extra attention to the point that i think not even armitage would hand them out. plus lbr it wouldve been tozer in this scenario w the killing shot so! armitage without tozer…. does that poor lad even know how to exist when he is not in sols orbit. how would hickey exploit this….. (also extremely evil version is jopson shooting crozier which is so evil that we do not consider it. goodbye)

if crozier dies pre tuunbaq attack id be curious if the (attempted) hanging would still happen. i personally think it would, simply bc hickey would definitely try to start some shit and fitzjames would be wary enough to order a post mortem on irving plus jopson would definitely catch that rat. maybe he would actually hang, even, but that depends on whether little as his captain or fitzjames as the overall expedition commander would give the little speech beforehand. if it's fitzy, either him or hickey in his response would run out of time before the tuunbaq shows up and hickey would escape, but if it's little theres a real chance he would shortly state some dry facts let hickey speak for two sentences of last words maximum and then get it over with. and now That would be a fascinating scenario to explore. crozier gone, hickey gone, camp in ruins, dozens of men dead, fitzscurvy left in charge. would there be a second mutiny? des voeux, perhaps? or billy himself (he was also an architect of this!!! he burned the fucking maps!!! billy was not regular rat who marrydivorcemarried the evil rat he was evil rat no2!!! simply a less flashy (fleshy….. hah) flavour!!!) just quietly absconding w a bunch of men into the fog? what would tozer do, if he had survived and hickey hadn't?

last minute death scenarios

anything w crozier dead before hickey could capture him would not change much i think. maybe hickey would deflate some upon the news but hed still capture goodsir and still die as a wannabe new god. i think the real tragedy would be if little was left as the only captain after fitzjames' death. that man was Not made to carry such a burden and dundy would smell the blood in the water and ursurp him early i think, which ironically might lead to a scenario where there could be a sliver of hope for survival for the healthier parts of the crew

if crozier died during the capture bc hartnell didnt take the bullet hickey would fucking kill whoever fired that shot (i do not remember who it was. golding? was it golding? i fucking hate that guy i can easily belive it was golding) and i think hartnell and little and whoever else was there would either escalate the situation into a shootout to avoid the mutineers taking croziers body for food (lbr hickey would love to eat that old man) and die right then right there or maybe get themselves captured bc everything is just pointless now (unlikely outcome imo the tension would be too high) OR theyd somehow get the fuck out of there, organize a party of men to take the mutineers and have a final showdown (unless dundy intervened and ursurped ofc) which means: tuunbaq survives!!! yay :D good ending for silna :) she has not lost the tuunbaq so maybe even no exile <33

if crozier just died during the final tuunbaq fight: no changes at all

which concludes my thoughts! this turned out way longer than i expected and honestly did not focus on little v much but it was super interesting to consider all these scenarios so thank u burrowingregg for giving me the idea to begin with :) i would also be super curious to hear everyone elses thoughts on this so please do chime in!!

#sorry the formatting on this is atrocious ik but i ahve been trying to press the fucking post button three times now #and every time tumblr told me to go fuck myself so i switched devices and had to send myself the entire post via fucking Texts #bc it wouldnt even save as a draft. hellsite. also its way past midnight and im tired so pls excuse any typos rip #the terror #id genuinely be so curious abt anyones thoughts tho! if i missed or misremebred sth pls also tell me bc lbr the likelyhood is high rn #also if anyone wanted to expand upon any of this. say. in fic form or sth..... [eye emoji] pls do so. #i have half a page of notes for a 'hickey got hanged before the tuunbaq sshowed up but tozer didnt' scenario myself #but i will not be writing that anytime soon due to Real Life rip :/

[rubiesintherough]

.

#(( ooc. )) #venting tw #negativity tw #i know ive been bitching about this a lot lately but just let a girl vent pls #husband just got home and said 'you look tired you should go lie down ' #and i told him i cant. i have too much housework to do. 'well lay down after that ' #cant. because then i have more housework after that. #and he got all huffy at me like i was being dramatic #and he said 'how am i supposed to snuggle up with you if you arent laying down? c #and i shot back ' who's going to do the housework if i dont ' #and he rolled his eyes. straight up rolled his eyes. #this is the man that is constantly telling me to just ask him for more help. just make a list #yelled at me and stormed out of the house whej i told him to pls just use his eyes #bc i dont have time to make him a list of chores #and also the man who if i do ask him to do smth it doesnt get done #examples just from today. he was heading into town and i asked him to please bring the recycling with him. he didnt. #he yells at me for doing the cat litter bc its bad for my asthma. but then leaves it until its bad enough i have to do it #bc its unfair to the cats to expect them to use a litter box that bad. and then he gets mad at me for not just asking him to do it #like. its in the bathroom. right next to the toilet. he has to look at it when hes taking a shit every day. and youre telling me #he doesnt notice it? i have to remind him??? #and then i get yelled at and reprimanded for just doing it myself #' ASK FOR HELP DAMMIT! ' #i do. i do all the fucking time. i ask you to empty the garbage bc bending over makes my back scream. but you dont #and i have to power through and do it. #i ask you to bring the recycling into town to drop off. and as soon as you leave i find out you didnt even gather it up. #i ask you to please clear out the bathtub drain. for two weeks. and you brush it off until the day i decide to #do it myself and you get so passive aggressive about it and ' no ILL DO IT. the tool is back in my mom's room #guess I'll just go WAKE HER UP FROM HER NAP so i can grab it since you need it done! ' #im so tired of asking and then just being disappointed anyway. #if im gonna get yelled at anyway id rather just do it all myself so at least its done. and not sit there and beg for help and do it anyway

[homogranates]

i'm so serious when i say that school makes me wanna rip my flesh off

#feeling murderous rage #i hate devoting every minute of my day to doing these stupid math questions (and i actually used to like math!!!) #i wanna go out for like a walk or something rn but it's late and i still have so much to finish. like i've been working on hw for 4 hours #like i miss having time to myself #it's like everytime i think of school i break down... what a fucked up education system #i don't want to go back to school tomorrow... literally want to throw up #it's so stressful i hate it so much #all i do is get home. eat something. do hw for like 4 hours. sob for like 15 minutes. stare at the wall. and sleep. how miserable is that #and i just wanna punch someone rn. wish i could tell my teachers that assingning so much hw everyday only makes me wanna kick them #trapped in a simulation where all i can do is try my best to finish all my hw. and still not be able to complete it!!! #i just wanna be a teenage girl doing stuff that isn't school related.... is that too much to ask for #gonna sob soon bye ✌️ #personal

[fionnaskyborn]

there's something to be said about the very specific feeling of frailty you feel when you come face to face with just how little you've experienced. twenty-odd years on planet earth and you haven't really watched all that many movies. an unlived life facing an uncertain future. i do not know where to point the finger of blame because i live untethered from my past, floating in the present with no clear point of reference no clear definition of who i am or what happened to me and how i turned out the way i am (fucking. can you guess why five is my favorite game. insert that one lyric from that one modest mouse song.) but you're still here, and you can still learn, and you can catch up, but it still feels like you're a pitiful little nobody looking for excuses trying to explain why you're still new to the whole being alive thing. i've got a good head on my shoulders, though, for all that's worth, so i think i might be fine.

in other news, i watched scarface tonight. it was certainly a movie. don't really understand how the movie made it big, but it did have some damn good music. i mean, i don't know. i'm still learning about the world i live in. maybe it really is as much of a masterpiece as people make it out to be and i'm too dumb to see the reason why it's considered a classic. maybe i'm right. i can't tell at the moment. it's kind of a beggars can't be choosers situation - if you ain't watched that many movies, then you can't really be a good judge of quality. but, oh, well. it's one more movie watched. it's a win because i watched a movie. and i'll watch more movies.

#i mean this extends to things like world politics also i'm still learning and i'm eager to learn beyond what i am offered but that doesn't #make the process any less fucking terrifying. like sure fuck yeah i'll be a big shot and do it alone and i'll be proud of myself but the #thing is i really really really don't know how to be alone without feeling empty #and it's funny because the thing i yearn for the most is to be free and to create myself and do things on my own and i can do that i've #learned how to be an adult very early on and people say ah you've yet to face the worst but every time they tell me that i tell them i can't #wait #but at the same time sometimes i sit and i wonder why i haven't watched that many movies. was there nobody to watch them with? could i have #asked? could things have been different? is it my fault for never having really wanted things or somebody else's? and i'll never really have #a clear answer to any of those questions or at least not anytime soon because my cranium is messed up and unreliable but i won't get the #answers anywhere else. shrugs. i've yet to start living a life. i don't know when i died but i do know but maybe that's just an idea and #maybe i've been dead all along until some point in the past two years but then what are all those memories i have where did they come from #why are they so far apart why do they feel mine and foreign at the same time. can you guess who my favorite mg character is. #well okay i have like what four or five of those but read the text again and think really really hard about it. i'm just kidding i'm goofing #around at this point. i mean no not really but i am smiling about it. :] #logs

[momochiiee-reblogs]

Being screamed at for things that aren't my fault seems to be a norm in this house

There's cookware scattered an dirty? Guess who gets blamed for it? The exact one that almost never has spoons for cooking in the first place

I live cleaning the trail after me so they won't have any reason to scream at me, but my brother leaves absolute messes behind him and the screams are for me

Fuck off

#momochiiee mussings #then people ask why it's almost impossible to hear me walking around #I've grown used to avoiding at all costs being noticed and leaving anything that can tell I was through there #when I get up from the table I'm always told to put their dishes in the dishwasher as I am putting mine #then the days I'm not around no one fucking cleans the table after themselves and I am still the one that gets called dirty and messy #my room is a mess YES. but the rest of the house isn't my room and therefore Isn't my living space and I must make sure I do not litter #I clean my own room when I have the spoons for it and refuse for anyone else to do it for me. it's my mess and I must deal with it myself #why do they insist I am to blame for their own mess of the kitchen when I barely have the energy to cook once a month??? #and it's not like they don't entrust other chores to me #but I digress I'm just mad because I've been blamed for the mess my dad and brother did and blamed on me just because I went there #every time I happen to have the energy to cook they complain about my cooking or blame messes on me even if I handwash & put away everything #it would be nice if they spared a fucking word of appreciation every now and then #I'm not asking them to call me endearingly but at least to not spit on any tiny effort I manage to make... or blame me for their mistakes #I'm starting to see how as soon as I am rendered jobless mid December I'll start to get screamed at again more often #and get the I'm a nuisance treatment because I can't afford basic stuff anymore #it's going to be a long year for sure... but I must put my all on the intensive classes so I can score a good job #If I manage... I will finally be able to get out of here and have my own space without any more screams #and without them brushing off my sensory triggers every time I try to explain how certain things and situations get me anxious af

[angelnumber27]

I want to murder the love I feel for the man that cheated on me twice and beat the fuck out of me every day while claiming he loved me more than anything

#He is now dating the girl he cheated on me with at LEAST twice FOUR years ago :-) #so awesome and great for me to know they probably stayed in contact that whole time! love that! #found out bc he got a text and it said ‘I could kiss you all day’. #while we were together and everything was fine. I don’t understand why he did that. #this shit literally makes me want to off myself lol #and it fucking sucks because we dated for five years and it was so good for so long #and I love him more than I’ve ever loved anyone #but there’s nothing I can do #he also was the one who got me addicted to fentanyl. #and as soon as he went to rehab and got sober he left me. I wasn’t clean yet and could have died and he just left. #found out soon after he’d been seeing her. #when he cheated he sent me multiple pictures of her naked and her in our bed. #and my dumbass got back together with him. #every time #I was fucked up before this relationship but now I am literally irreparable #I can’t heal from this shit #he’d tell me to kill myself #and say he wished I was dead #knowing how difficult shit was for me and how suicidal I was #he’d strangle me and spit on me and trip me and punch me in the face #he’d constantly tell me I ruined every aspect of his life and that I was the worst thing that ever happened to him. #then he’d tell me that I’m abusive because of my mental illnesses. #I’m so tired :( #I’m so fucking damaged and broken from this shit I cannot even put it into words. #abuse tw #physical abuse tw #physical abuse cw

[aeide-thea]

amazing how over and over and over again you can realize you're framing a situation in terms of 'i think they might be displeased with me :( what can i do to fix myself it :(' instead of 'actually this interaction is making me feel bad and i should probably just step away from it' and yet. you know you'll do it again! because the childhood conditioning lingers!

#like it's such a fundamental immediate misprocessing of the actual data #like imagine if every time i‚ idk‚ got hungry i assumed it meant there was something i needed to fix abt myself #instead of understanding that the feeling is telling me: i want food and am not getting it #(not 2 like. frame a thing as hypothetical that i'm sure many people DO feel! but like. it's similarly fucked up) #(basic data abt yr own needs just immediately as soon as you feel it twisted into something to hurt yrself with) #(instead of what it actually is‚ which is information about what you need in order to feel *better*) #the psyche

[running-in-the-dark]

I had another idea to fix my fucked up sleep schedule: maybe sleeping on the couch would work. on purpose, I mean. I nap there (accidentally) all the time.

it worked! I managed to fall asleep, and because there's huge windows there, the sun woke me up before noon. I got up and everything!

and then I spent all day in that same spot on the couch, watching YouTube and playing Timberborn. I woke up at 10.. and now it's 6 and I'm obviously still awake. my brain is so awake. I can't stop thinking. it's not even anything bad, I just have so much energy right now.

#I think I'm probably getting kinda manic #I mean I got like. 5 hours of sleep last night. I usually need twice that #also bid on several dolls on ebay (I'm not allowed on there anymore because this happens every fucking time. though at least this time I #stopped myself quickly. but damn I've been feeling so shitty and like. there's literally no point in me waking up tomorrow you know. so. #it's kinda good to know that I'll be getting a pretty doll soon. idk man. it fucking sucks but I CAN'T work on this right now and none of my #other coping mechanisms are working) #ugggh #personal #I'm listening to rain sounds and cat purring with my ear buds. so I don't hear any of the noise that's now starting. ugh I hate everything #(you can tell that the thoughts have now moved to being pretty bad actually)

[seilon]

been having an overwhelming on and off feeling of dread all day over the thought of opening my email or getting a text or whatever and it’s Yet Another job rejection. like good god that’d fucking kill me

#I’m so tired of this dude #like I was pretty confident about this but. idk I’ve been turned down so many fucking times now and places have gotten my hopes up #just to let me down every single time and I just can’t help but feel like rejection is inevitable. cause im always rejected #note: I have been applying for jobs since January and have gotten exactly two (2) interviews that whole time. #kibumblabs #it’s only been a day but. idk #I am not going to be able to truly rest until I know the outcome despite how much I am dreading the possible outcome #and I don’t feel good reassuring myself and telllng myself it went well because that’d just be setting me up for a bigger letdown #man I wish they just gave me some kind of assurance on the spot #I think it isn’t helping that I’ve been super isolated recently #only one of my friends irl has been talking to me the last two weeks or so #and I know it’s realistically probably because school started but. idk no texts or anything #considering how things have gone this year overall mainly re: my ex and what he tells people I just feel like it’d be on brand at this #point for them to all want to stop associating with me and cut me off like my ex did and one of my close childhood friends did this year #I really don’t trust anyone anymore and I wish I could but when things are dead silent for a week or more it becomes kinda impossible #I wonder if any of them will talk to me voluntarily any time soon #I am not confident #lots of waiting lots of being alone lots of nothing

[autoneurotic]

ik i take anti anxiety/sedater at night to sleep better and not get anxious about nightmares etc, but i still catch myself feeling dread throughout the day as if i will be going to a real, physical place instead of To Bed

#90% of the time i love having vivid dreams and lucid dreaming #lately though i’m dreaming about like. moving back into my childhood home or trying to Go Home #and the house is different/on fire inside/my mom answers but won’t let me in #sometimes i’m very far away and i’m trying to call mom or dad to pick me up #and the buttons are illegible or i type in the wrong numbers time and again #OR they answer and refuse to get me so i have to walk miles through #foresty ravines with vague figures in the trees across the ravine #or through the show along highways and every night i swear #i dream about leaving a specific place and needing to make a specific turn #and i fuck it up every time. but i tell myself as soon as i leave the building Go Right Not Left Go Right #and i always go left for too long and end up by a huge interstate ramp Mess #most commonly nearly nightly o dream of being in a cramped many narrow halled home #small rooms where they shouldn’t be and the whole house is steeped in a skin crawling Sickly Essence. sometimes there’s an old person that #i feel equal parts pity and disgust for. always there is a basement that i do NOT want to go in but end up in anyway…dirt floors stuff #everywhere it goes on and on and on. wood beams and exposed wires n shit #OR finally o dream of being sick and kept in hospital. or i arrive to visit someone and am told i cannot leave #and am either made to be sick or i try to escape and usually the vessel i choose to flee on just misses me #or explodes over the sea with me in it #i want to. have cool dreams again. these suck

[slutdge]

🐞

#ignore its avent post sorry im gonna explode because i cant say this anywhere else #i like genuinely feel like i need to check myself back into the hospigal because of the level the abuse has escalated to #like every waking moment all i think about is wanting to die #and usually it was only half my waking moments i felt like that #but the hospital wont do anything anyways all theyll do is keep me in a brightly lit room for three days and release me with no resources #like ok cool were not responsible now if you kill yourself after release 👍bye #the mental health system as well as the disability system im working my way through right now #with no guarantee that i will even be allowed disability despite being hospitalized almost monthly and have been for nearly 10 years #is so dehumanizing #and on top of that im being dehumanized by an abuser and there is no hope i will be able to get out of this situation any time soon #like ive never wanted to die this badly in my entire life lmao #and i really just wanna say fuck it and relapse til i just die from that so at least i can have some peace for the rest of my life #whatever the hell is left of it #and doing this in complete isolation is only making it worse #im so god damn tired #anyways blah blah blah yes i know its my fault you dont need to tell me that please see yourself out im very aware its my fault #vent doesnt mean anything beyond getting my thoughts out and amazon 3 it doesnt mean im absolving myself of being an irredeemable fuck up #vent //

[ghostiboos]

#aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa #remember when I got to listen to music? or watch things? or read things? or- #every month of every year it gets worse and i always tough it out and tell myself it’ll get better ‘soon’ but it’s been years #it’s been fucking years #im not even conscious for my own ‘existence’ anymore #at least i had some agency in my oppression before but now i have to commit myself to it just to stay alive and i see no end in sight #i’ve had to give up listening to music multiple years. fucking m u s i c . #i used to have music and books and manga and movies and shows and writing and drawing and editing to feel even the slightest bit alive #but every year things only ever get busier even when I can’t imagine things being any busier and year after year one by one i’ve had to drop #each and every thing that gives me life and i just cant take it anymore i cant fucking take it anymore #and i know im working this hard to secure a path o u t of my family situation so I can at least have one less thing to worry about but #but when everything always only gets worse year after year ‘even when surely i cant possibly get more worn down than this’ i just #how am i even supposed to hope that things could possibly get better when every year that hope proves to have been in vain? #im so tired… #and i can’t help but hold onto just a little bit of hope that things will turn up as soon as this happens or that #but im scared I can’t hold out much longer #i hate money… i hate that it literally dictates whether I live or die… #and i hate that having it is so dependent on who you’re related to and whether they like you… #what’s a queer to do //jester hat jingles softly as i sigh in profound melancholy #free time #let me in #homegrown memes #family #work #working class #lgbtqiia+ #tag rambles

[im-traumatised]

Fuck the depressions getting really bad. Can't even find the effort to go to the grocery store. It's literally the only thing that gets me out the house and now I just can't be fucked with even that. But also I mean who cares? I've kinda stopped giving a shit about my health.

#it's not good tbh #my psyc will come back from leave soon and she's probably gonna be concerned lmao #but also who really caresM #not like im gonna need to drag myself out to meet with friends lmao #not like family are gonna wanna swing by my house and chill #not like I'm gonna have an event or a party or an outing or a get together #nobodys gonna notice nobody will care and I csnt be fucked caring any more #every time i look forward or hope or dream in my life its fucked me over in the end lmao #so im done imma just let myself slowly evaporate away in my stupid apartment #nobody will notice unless I tell them lmao #i dont have any reason to get out of bed or leave the house or take care of myself so why bother honestly #im really wondering why i should bother djjdj #gonna have to really talk to my psycologist about it all i guess #but im not really a fan of her idea to find a group to engage in the community like finding friends is something i want yes #but i just hate those kinds of things idk #almost our of psychologist appointments too probably only have a few left #im tired i got my freedom but im miserable because of jt lmao #is this what I get for getting away from my family? i mean its for sure whaf happens when you grow up isolated without the chance to #make long term friends lmao #i dont even know what im saying any more i think im having a bit of a break down hffhf so im gonna shut myself up now #AceofDragons #vent

[altruistic-meme]

hey maybe don’t keep pressing someone and asking questions about their gender when they clearly do not want to talk about it. maybe.

#a la my friend keeps very not subtley pressing me about if im enby or trans or whatnot #and like. mkay okay kay okay. so you are making me want to come out a lot less. #like i was finally feeling like maybe i could come out to her and my sister soon. and ask them to use my name/pronouns but #she like. she keeps fucking asking dumb shit or making comments that makes it very clear she wants me to out myself about it #JUST shy of outright asking me #and it's ~super uncomfy~ #so now im feeling very Unsafe about coming out to her AND my sister (since they're attatched and if i come out to my sister ik she'll end up #telling her even if i ask her not to) #so like thats fun and great and doesn't make me want to curl into a ball of tears and pain :) #pleaseeeee stop fucking asking about my gender!! stop asking questions about how i feel!!! stop it!!!!! #if i WANTED to talk about it with you i WOULD but i keep deflecting #and she CLAIMS to be good at reading people. which is fun too bc either she isn't as good at reading people as she thinks #or she is and is CHOOSING to keep pressing when i get very clearly upset every time she does #shh ac