#and functions perfectly? how come time passes by but he stays the same? why wont clark and dick stop giving gim

[bruciemilf]

I wonder how many times Clark and the batkids + Alfred revived Bruce with the Lazarus Pit and just never told him abt it

#he pieces it together later but i mean. its so hard for him to miss now that hes looking back at it #like why is he always always always cold with a turtleneck on and heating blasting #why is his appetite so scarce? how come his sleep deprived body withstands hours - sometimes DAYS - of patrol #and functions perfectly? how come time passes by but he stays the same? why wont clark and dick stop giving gim #*him looks of loving grief? #why does harley slam her fists on her head when she sees him? ' no no no you're gone. you're GONE. I KNOW you are!' #why does selina smile at him with such heavy pity ' sorry bruce. i don't do ghosts' #bruce wayne #dc #dc comics #batman #batfamily #clark kent #dick grayson #jason todd #bc they def exclude the cloning. they dont want another bruce. they want THEIR bruce. tim #like can you imagine jason getting up in tim's face and just ' if you're not gonna stand by us then stay out of our way' #dark bruce? tired. dark BATKIDS? sign me the FUCK up #batdad #text

[satonthelotuspier]

OK so I felt guilty I put JC through what I did in my day 31 UWF, so I wanted to do the meeting/confession fic to give him a bit of a break.

Nope, turns out I just like torturing the heck out of him. I love him really - I don’t know why I’m like this with my poor JC.

It’s not exactly a first meeting because obviously WWX/LWJ have been married for several years already in this AU.

Click the Jiang Family AU tag below to find more in the series.

Jiang Cheng’s phone was on speaker on his desk as he put the finishing touches to a commission piece, he wanted to get it sent to his client for approval before he set off for his brother’s for dinner tonight.

“Lan Xichen isn’t very long out of his relationship, so if you could curb your natural urge to verbally tear the pretty rich boys apart for the evening Lan Wangji and I would both appreciate it”

“I’m not a dog who pisses on the rug Wei Wuxian, I’m fully house trained and know how to behave in company. Mostly”

“I know, but how many times did I have to hit you on the nose with a rolled up newspaper to get you to this point?” Wei Wuxian mocked.

“I’m hanging up” Jiang Cheng threatened in annoyance and Wei Wuxian laughed.

“OK, just please be a little more sensitive than is your wont tonight, thank you, I love you”

“Whatever, bye” he hit the disconnect button, uncomfortable with verbally expressing his feelings, and having feelings expressed to him.

Honestly what did Wei Wuxian think he was going to say to the other?

Actually, no Wei Wuxian was fully justified in being worried. The truth being any time he was in company with Wei Wuxian’s brother-in-law, the handsome, elegant, rich, cultured Lan Xichen caused his brain to go into shutdown and when that happened his tongue took over and didn’t pay much attention to what he wanted to actually say.

He cringed, knowing full well he’d shown himself up in front of the other man on several occasions so far. To the point where he’d started to avoid attending anything he could in good conscience, where he knew the other man would be there too.

No wonder Wei Wuxian had felt the need to coach him.

He couldn’t avoid tonight as it was Wei Wuxian and Lan Wangji’s anniversary, and although they had to go to a gallery opening afterwards where some of Wei Wuxian’s art was on display Wei Wuxian had wanted to have dinner beforehand with their families.

***

He was a complete idiot.

Trust him to end up taking longer than expected to finish up his work tonight of all nights; so that he’d had to rush through a shower and change (because he doubted his brother would appreciate the ripped old jeans and baggy t-shirt he’d worked in all day) and then speed over in a taxi.

He dashed into the foyer of the building a few minutes before the time he was expected, by some miracle, and called for whoever was in the elevator to please hold it.

He was obliged and didn’t have to halt his momentum to rush between the doors. That he tripped on the edge of the elevator and flew head-first into the chest of whoever else was in there was just the icing on the cake. Although he supposed if the other person hadn’t been there to catch him it would have been a trip to hospital at the very least as his head would have hit the elevator wall solidly.

“I am so, so sorry” he lifted his gaze from where he was being surprisingly gently cradled against the other.

In retrospect he wished he had bashed his head on the elevator wall and was now soundly unconscious on the floor.

“Jiang Wanyin, that was quite the entrance”

He wanted to dig a hole right there. He wondered if it was possible to open the elevator doors now and just step down the shaft to the blessed, unembarrassed relief of death.

Was it still too late to fake unconsciousness?

“L-Lan Xichen, I-thank you for catching me” luckily he did remember his manners, Wei Wuxian’s threatened rolled up newspaper coming to mind. He wouldn’t put it past his brother to use an actual newspaper, in front of guests, if Jiang Cheng screwed up too badly. He extricated himself carefully, “Are you hurt?”

“I’m perfectly fine, just a little winded. And you’re welcome. How could I ever face your brother if I let you get hurt in an elevator with me?”

Why did that have to sound so intimate when Lan Xichen said it? Jiang Cheng’s panicked thought would have caused a flush of embarrassment, but how could it when he was already bright red from throwing himself into Lan Xichen’s arms in the most cringe-worthy way imaginable?

At the relevant floor they alighted the elevator together and made their way to Wei Wuxian and Lan Wangji’s penthouse apartment door. They were greeted by Jiang Cheng’s brother and Wei Wuxian threw an assessing look at him, his gaze stony as he noticed Jiang Cheng’s heightened colour.

Jiang Cheng held his arms out helplessly behind Lan Xichen’s back and Wei Wuxian mimed rolling up a newspaper. Jiang Cheng held his hands in the air in surrender, mouthing “it was an accident. I said sorry”

Lan Xichen had turned to speak to Wei Wuxian then and they both pretended nothing had passed between them as Jiang Cheng slipped his shoes off and they moved into the apartment where Lan Wangji was putting the finishing touches to the table.

“Happy Anniversary” Lan Xichen said holding out a gift-bag and bottle of champaign to Wei Wuxian which magically Jiang Cheng hadn’t broken in the elevator.

“Fuck” Jiang Cheng exclaimed before thinking; he bit his lip as he realised he’d said it out loud and everyone had turned to him. “I’m so sorry, I left your gift and card at home. I was in a rush on the way out and completely forgot” honestly he frustrated himself so much sometimes.

“Jiang Cheng, it doesn’t matter, we’ll be coming over at the weekend, you can give it to us then” Wei Wuxian patted his shoulder soothingly, knowing him far too well and how stressed he’d be becoming. Little did Wei Wuxian know he was already at maximum stress levels due to his escapade in the elevator.

For all the times he’d imagined throwing himself at Lan Xichen when they were alone in an elevator together, (twice), it had never been like that.

For what an actual mess Jiang Cheng was ninety percent of the time it probably should have been.

Normally Jiang Yanli and Jin Zixuan would be here to celebrate too but as Wei Wuxian and Lan Wangji were due at the gallery opening they had offered to let A-Yuan stay over at his cousin A-Ling’s for the night. The boys were as thick as thieves and adored spending time together.

Jiang Cheng had offered himself up for uncle duty and had volunteered to have them both over for pizza and shenanigans tomorrow night so Jiang Yanli could still celebrate with the anniversary couple.

It was salve to his stinging ego that he managed to get through the meal whilst purporting himself to be a fully functioning human being who could engage in the society of others without causing offence, hilarity or injury.

It didn’t last much beyond the meal, unfortunately. He should have stayed away from the champaign bottle, as when he refilled his own glass Lan Xichen asked him politely to do the same for his glass.

It being Jiang Cheng, him being nervous, things didn’t quite happen as they should.

He tried to oblige, pouring into the glass, unfortunately he overestimated the distances involved and some splashed over the rim and directly into Lan Xichen’s lap.

He panicked, “I am so, so sorry” he swiped a napkin from the table intending to blot the spillage up, until he realised that patting away at another man’s lap was completely inappropriate. Instead he tried to press the napkin into Lan Xichen’s hand, but it fell to the floor as the other hadn’t expected it. “I’m sorry, I’ll get it” he slid to the floor to make good on his words and came up just as Lan Xichen tried to put his champaign glass on the table, instead it shattered as it came into contact with the nape of Jiang Cheng’s neck.

Chaos ensued.

***

He was utterly miserable.

“Why are you like this?” Wei Wuxian asked him in exasperation; the sting of his words was softened by the gentle hand he stroked Jiang Cheng’s hair with.

“Leave me alone to die in peace” Jiang Cheng had pressed his face against his folded arms as he laid out, naked from the waist up, on their couch. He was quite close to tears, “You need to go anyway, don’t you have a gallery opening to get to?”

“How can I possibly leave you in this state?” Lan Wangji arrived with the first aid kit and a pair of tweezers.

“I’m fine, I can look after myself” he sounded petulant.

“You’ll be able to make sure you get all the glass out of the cuts. That are behind you. On your neck?” Wei Wuxian asked.

“You should go to hospital, Jiang Wanyin” Lan Wangji agreed.

“Then that would make you even later, as you’d insist on coming too. It’s fine, just dig it out and wash it up. You’re going to be so late to your own party” he had his face securely hidden in his crossed arms but he knew Wei Wuxian and Lan Wangji shared exasperated look over his back.

He hated this with his whole being, being this kind of vulnerable in front of anyone, even his brother, was abhorrent, and being stripped half naked, with-things-visible to other people made it a hundred times worse.

“Jiang Wanyin is right”

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

He had assumed Lan Xichen had left, possibly in disgust, but no. He was still here witnessing everything.

At least he had spoken in Jiang Cheng’s defence. Let Lan Wangji try to go against his older brother! Yes, Lan Xichen!

“You’re going to be late” Jiang Cheng nodded his agreement into his arms, “So allow me to look at the scratches, and if I think I missed anything Jiang Wanyin will go to hospital without argument, and I’ll go with him, I’m sure we can all agree that settles everything to everyone’s satisfaction”

No it did not! Danger. Danger. Who knew what other damage Jiang Cheng could cause to himself or Lan Xichen in the interim.

He was sensible enough to know it was the only way to get Wei Wuxian to go though. So he kept quiet, and kept his face hidden.

They were persuaded and left for the gallery opening after Wei Wuxian collected clothes Jiang Cheng could change into afterwards. He also brought back a hand towel to drape over his ribs, ostensibly to catch the trickles of blood but in reality to cover up the scars Jiang Cheng didn’t want on view.

Lan Xichen knelt down next to the couch, “I’m sorry if this hurts, I’m going to look for any glass first”

Jiang Cheng welcomed the pain as the least he was due and he laid still and miserable under Lan Xichen’s careful ministrations.

It was worse than torture, and he didn’t mean the pain, it was the soft puff of breaths across his nape that made him want to shiver as the other carefully examined the several scratches for any leftover glass.

A few pieces were removed, then Lan Xichen dipped some cotton wool pads in antiseptic and water.

“This is going to sting quite a bit, sorry”

“It’s fine” he mumbled, “Thank you for helping me” and then he hissed softly at the promised sting of the antiseptic.

“Even though you didn’t want me to be here?”

Jiang Cheng tensed a little, “I didn’t want anyone to be here. Would you after the joy that today has been for me?”

“Fair enough” Lan Xichen agreed, “Wangji says you’re not a clumsy person normally. Do I disturb you that much?”

“Obviously” the admittance was torn from him, and he felt the other’s sigh blow across his nape again.

“That looks better” Lan Xichen said then, dropping the last of the cotton wool back in the bowl. He traced a gentle finger alongside a scratch and told Jiang Cheng, “This one is a little deeper than the others. I dont think you’ll need stitches but keep an eye on it and go to the hospital if it doesn’t heal closed on it’s own”

The soft touch had sent a tremor down Jiang Cheng’s spine he couldn’t hide, not that he supposed it would make a difference now he’d virtually told the other he liked him.

“OK, thanks” Jiang Cheng acknowledged his advice.

“May I use this towel to pat your wounds dry? The gauze won’t stick if it’s still damp” the fact he asked meant he knew the purpose of the towel. Which also meant there was no point in saying no.

“Sure”

Lan Xichen matched actions to words and soon had the gauze in place. “I’m not sure how well it will stick, its in an awkward place”

“Thanks” Jiang Cheng stuck with the basics, then at least Wei Wuxian would have nothing, (well, at least very little) to tell him off for.

“Listen, Jiang Wanyin. I’m sorry you feel that way about me. Surely we can be adult about it though, you don’t have to keep missing events because of your dislike of me”

He rose to his knees in pure surprise then, “Are you stupid?” Jiang Cheng demanded, all manners and good sense forgotten, “I mean, really? You think I make an utter fool of myself in front of you every time we meet because I hate you? I thought you were meant to be intelligent?”

“You said I disturbed you...” Lan Xichen said carefully, a confused frown crinkling his brow.

“Fuck yes you disturb me, you make my brain stop functioning, and I’m destined to be clumsy, or say dumb shit in front of you. If you acted like a fucking idiot in front of a guy you were attracted to wouldn’t you be disturbed? Especially as he was with someone else for the majority of your association”

And there it was, three strikes and you’re out. He’d actually mentioned the taboo subject.

Wei Wuxian was going to gut him.

“I’m sorry” he rubbed at his face, honestly, after today he didn’t even have it in him to be frustrated at himself.

Lan Xichen didn’t really seem to have taken much notice to that element of his speech, however. “So you’re saying you’ve been avoiding me because you...like..me? That I make you nervous?”

“I’m saying nothing” Jiang Cheng bottled it, grabbing the clothes Wei Wuxian had left out for him and trying to walk past Lan Xichen to retreat to the bathroom and change.

The other halted him with an arm across his path, “Wait, you actually were saying you liked me”

“Who could like a dummy like you?” Jiang Cheng’s chin notched up in defence, ignoring the fact he should be keeping his head as still as possible.

“You, apparently” Lan Xichen said with a smile, “so would you like to have dinner with me soon?”

#xicheng #lan xichen #jiang cheng #kind of confession #shay's stuff #Jiang family AU #Modern AU

[freerebelmentality]

Take me to church pt3

Word Count: 2,448

>>> Part one Part two <<< Is where you can catch up 

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A month has gone by, you gave your notice at the news paper in New York and decided to stay home for good. You decided to try the freelance journalism and that has been working really great for you. Taking pictures on the other hand has been making you pretty busy and making money here and there for freelance photography.

After editing a few photos is when you noticed you were out of photo paper and needed to head out to buy some. While getting ready and looking for the keys only to realize mom has it. You took out your phone and called the auto shop. With one ring someone picks up the phone with a greeting.

“Lowell: Good afternoon Teller Morrow auto shop?

You: Hey its y/n, is my mom around?

Lowell: Yeah, one sec”

He puts you on hold while you wait for her to pick up the phone and finally soon after she does.

“Gemma: Hi baby, what ya need?

You: I need a ride to get some photo papers

Gemma: I cant take you, Im sorry. I have tons of paper work to do and Jax is off doing some club related business with your dad.

You: Chibs?

Gemma: He went to do a pick up for the shop. Hang on”

“Op, are you busy?” Gemma asks while covering the phone mouth piece with her hand

“No, Im just taking a break. Why?” He asks from the door

“Can you give y/n a ride to the store? She needs to pick up a few things” She asks in hopes he will agree to it.

“Sure. I’ve been wanting to hang out with her. Tell her Im on my way” He replies and walking out of the garage to his bike and drove off.

“Thank you and I will let her know” She says and places the ear piece of the phone back to her.

“Gemma: I found you a ride. Opie is on his way

You: Thanks mom. I’ll see you later

Gemma: No problem baby. See you after work”

You get off the phone with your mom to head outside and wait for Opie. You locked the door and sat on the front steps of the house, you hear a familiar roar of a motor bike and got up to meet Opie in the drive way. He pulls up into the drive way, he smiles to you while handing you a helmet and get on the bike while he backs out of the drive way and drives to the store.

“What exactly are you getting anyway?” Opie asks once we stop in front of the store

“I need photo paper, ink and a couple more memory cards for my camera” You reply while you lead the both of you into the store

“How is it working freelance?” He asks as he follows you through the aisles

“Its going good, even though it can be slow but still counts as work and make some what good money” You reply while placing the paper into your basket

“You ever think about opening up your own gallery? I know the club has warehouses and big enough for an art gallery” He suggests while looking at the items on the shelves

“Thats not a bad idea. I mean I have always wanted my own gallery for as long as I could remember” You reply while finishing getting the items you really needed and go to the till to pay for your things.

“If you want, I can talk to your dad about lending you the space and the rest of the guys. Im sure they wont mind” He says while helping you with your bag.

“I think I can handle my dad. You can talk to the other guys though and they would probably take it to chapel and vote or whatever. Since its the clubs warehouse” You say while walking out of the store.

You heard someone calling your name and the voice sounded familiar. Your heart stopped once that voice came over you, numbness all over your body and you look to Opie who just rolls his eyes once he sees who it is.

“I’ll wait by the bike” Opie says and leans against his bike

You nod and turn to the person who is standing not far from you. You see his baby blue eyes, he is in full uniform and a slight smile breaks on his face.

“When did you get home? How long have you been in Charming?” He asks only keeping his eyes on you.

“I have been home for a while” You answer him simply

“Welcome back home is in order then” He says never breaking his gaze away

“Uniform suits you. After how many years of talking about working for Charming PD” You asking breaking the awkward silence, well more awkward for you.

“Yeah, Deputy Chief and love what I do” He says with a wide smile

“Well I better go. I dont want to keep Opie any longer then I have. Uh it was nice seeing you” You say rather quickly and walk towards Opie and his bike.

“Can I see you again? Coffee?” He asks ignoring Opies glare

“I dont think that would be a good idea” You answer as Opie starts his bike and drives away back to your parents place.

Once he pulls into the drive way, stops his bike and you lead the way to the front door. Both of you get into the kitchen as he sets your things on the table.

“Wow, its been so long since I have been on a bike” You say to distract yourself from doing anything stupid. Such as calling David to come over and getting wrapped in each others limbs along with the sheets.

“You alright? I know it wasnt easy leaving but firsts always count for something” He asks leaning against the counter.

“Its never easy seeing them is it?” You ask in a hushed tone as your hand combs back your hair

Opie shakes his head while he gives you a sad smile. You were glad he was with you when David came walking up. If it were your brother then it would have been a different story.

“Do you still have feelings for the guy?” He asks and sits himself at the table with you.

“Honestly, yes I do. On the other hand, I love the club more and I understand why my parents tried keeping us apart. My feelings arent enough to get back with him though” You answer him honestly while it hurt to admit the truth

“I love you as my own sister. On one hand I am glad you aren’t considering of getting back with him but on the other you deserve a good guy and to be happy. I saw what he brought to you and remember it well. Whatever you decide, just remember think about what your going to do. Its not just your dad but its also your brother. Me included” Opie says while he gets up and kisses the top of your head.

“I got to get going, I’ll check in with you later and dont forget our talk” He says as he takes one last look to you and walks out the door.

One damn little chat and you were so damn conflicted on what to do. For sure you couldnt go back to the old ways because he is officially a law man and that wasnt going to be good for the club. Then Chibs came to mind, his gorgeous brown eyes, his sexy deep voice that goes perfectly well with that Scottish accent and then the phone rings.

“Stupid girl” You muttered about yourself as you got up the answer the home phone

“You: Hello

Someone: Y/n?

You: David?

Someone: Yeah, its me

You: Why are you calling me?

David: After all these years, your parents still have the same number?

You: What do you want David?

David: I want to see you again. Not just a few seconds but over coffee

You: I dont know if that should be a good idea

David: Why not? Dont tell me your parents are keeping you from seeing me

You: No, its not that. I just have work to do and Im really busy

David: You cant take the time away from work just to go for coffee?

You: No, I have pictures to edit and I have to set a few things up. I have unfinished articles to complete for certain magazines

David: Well when you arent so busy, maybe we can go for coffee or even dinner

You: Maybe. In the mean time I got to get going, my work isnt going to finish itself

David: Alright, talk to you soon”

When you hung up the phone is when you heard someone pull into the drive way along with a bike. You looked at the time and didnt even realize the work day for your parents was done. Well for the auto shop anyways

“Hey mom, daddy” You greet your parents as you sit at the table

“Hey baby girl” Clay says as he enters the kitchen and places the bag of groceries on the counter.

“Hi baby” Gemma says as she passes you and gives you a kiss to your forehead

“Something was brought to my and the clubs attention at church today” Dad says while mom stops what she is doing

“Well?” You ask in hopes it would be ok

“Well what? What was talked about in church?” Mom

“Our very own daughter would like to open up her own art gallery and a studio where she can take pictures and display them” Dad says while looking to his wife

Mom looks incredibly excited and happy that you would want to open up your own business.

“Really, you want something like this?” Mom asks in complete excitement

“Yeah, its something I’ve always wanted and I love photography mom” You tell her with a wide smile as she comes closer to hug you.

The both of you look to Clay in hopes he has good news for you. If it would be a yes then you would start getting to work on getting everything ready.

“When do you want to go warehouse shopping?” He asks with a wide smile

“ARE YOU SERIOUS?” You yell in pure happiness once he gives you the good news that you will be having your own business and if it goes well then you can have your own company

“Opie brought it up. He talked about how he suggested it, you always wanted one and Charming would benefit from the gallery” Dad says while you thank Opie over and over again.

“Thank you so much daddy” You get up to hug your father

He hugged you right back and hugged very tightly.

“Do you have everything you need for the gallery?” Mom asks with a wide smile on her face

“Yeah but I would need to get projectors for the digital displays along with the white sheets” You answer her still tucked underneath your dads arm

For the past few weeks you have been really busy putting everything together at the warehouse. A few guys from the club have helped with the heavy lifting and you were more grateful for their help. That was one of the ways you were able to spend more time with Chibs. You would stay late at night to place everything together and he would also stay behind and help you.

You gave him a camera to take pictures with. As he took them, they uploaded to the projector and the pictures he took displayed on the sheets you have placed around the warehouse. He takes a few pictures of you while you werent looking and they displayed as well.

“This one is my favourite” He says while selecting the picture and once he was done. The picture displayed on all four sheets.

It was a picture of you setting up your computer to the settings for the projectors that were hooked up to four different cameras.

“Ye look focused, determined and tired” He says while you look to the display as well

“Not bad Chibby. Maybe you can be my prodigy” You say with a proud smile on your face

“Nah, I leave the picture taking to ye” He says looking away from you and looks at the display.

You hit the print icon on the computer and an 8 x 10 printed out. You walked to the printer and got the photo. You walked towards Chibs and gave him the picture.

“Here, you can have this. Also keep the camera and take whatever pictures. Ill use them for the displays throughout the warehouse and dont worry I will give you full credit” You tell him as he takes the photo from your hands

“Nah, Im going to break yer camera” He says giving you the camera

“Im not taking no for an answer Chibs. I want to see what you see everyday. I want you to capture everyday living from your perspective” You tell him while placing the camera back in his hands and holding them while you tell him what you want from him.

“Ye are just like yer ma ye know that” He says while looking to you.

“I know” You say while smiling to him and walking away from him

“Its pretty late and think we should get going” You say while putting on your jacket and getting your things together.

“Ye need a ride?” He asks as he watches you gather your things

“Yes please” You answer him and the both of you walk out

You get on his bike as he hands you a helmet. Once the both of you drive away from your gallery, you enjoy the ride home and once the house gets near. You didnt want the ride to end, as he pulls into your parents drive way and get off his bike. You turn to give him a kiss on the cheek.

“Thank you, again” You tell him and walk to the front door to unlock it and walk into the house.

Chibs had to contain himself from giving you a full kiss, he needed to contain himself all together because you are his presidents daughter, his vice presidents sister and Gemma’s baby. He didnt know how he would explain himself if he ever started something with you or he didnt know how to explain his feelings for you to anyone.

You leaned against the door once you got inside, the lights came one and it was your dad.

#chibs #opie #david hale #gemma #chibs telford #filip telford #harry winston #filip chibs telford #harry opie winston #clay morrow #gemma teller morrow #chibs x reader #past!david hale x reader

[qgaje8wz-blog]

My motorcycle was stolen and at time I didnt have insurance, it has a lien on it. So what can I do?

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[aj0131]

Rabbit holes...

im severely lost on my path of life right now. I feel like I dont have many options. It is going to be found out that I failed a ton of classes to the point where I cant graduate on time. And so im not sure that I will end up getting my degree here. Something that was once so important to me became something that was forced and I didnt have a choice in. I didnt want to go to class anymore, it became almost a form of torture. I dont feel like im even intelligent anymore. And i think to what the reasoning is and im not sure I have an exact answer. I just saw the world differently after my mom passed. I unfairly didnt get credit for a class that I deserved to get, and it was like all of that effort meant nothing. Just like it did for my family situation. And I just felt powerless. I think thats a recurring theme... I want to have control over the things that are happening in my life. My best friend is leaving school, and that means ill only really have one person left. And ive told myself for so long that i can be alone again like i have so many times before, but i just dont want to do that again. Im going to be so sad when she goes. She makes me feel good about myself, like I matter, like im loved. And she makes me love myself. Its such a hard situation because shes the one who introduced me to doing drugs all the time, but ive been so much happier since that i cant regret it. It makes me question why society puts such a negative view on them. Ive experienced so much in my life that on a daily basis I have no desire to function or do anything, and drugs change that for me. And the thing is is I dont think theres something wrong with me for not wanting to do anything. I think I needed a break a long time ago. I think I broke a long time ago. And who knows if ill ever be a functioning member of society or if ill just figure it out. It scares me. But I dont blame the drugs. If I know that theyll be there, some days it gives me more motivation to do what I need to. Theyre kind of like a warm hug to come home to. And with my best friend leaving, there goes my access. And im really scared for how thats going to feel. I think im going to be miserable. I think reality is miserable. I spent a few minutes crying in the bathroom the other day just praying that this isnt really reality... and I think that if just my mom was alive and not sick, that I would be okay. I know thats not how life works, but thats all I ever wanted and was my goal. But you cant stop someone else from doing their addiction. I learned that a long time ago. And now hes trying to do the same thing to me before I get too bad, but he doesnt understand my use doesnt have to do with him. I just want to be happy. And my way of handling myself is this way right now. I dont want to hurt myself or want to die everyday. Its just it doesnt feel unhealthy because im not on them ALL the time, i just... whenever I try to justify it, I feel like I sound like a drug addict. That oh, I can stop anytime, its not affecting everything else blahblahblah. I just go as far as to wish I had done them earlier. I would have gotten some relieve sooner. I mean im typing this when im on something now, and its allowing myself to safely access my thoughts. Im done justifying it to myself, because my only job is to live my life and thats what im doing, and no one can tell me how to live it. I just imagine how my life would be if I quit and got everything together, and what I see is me having this giant house on the beach with a chandelier when you walk in, and a winding staircase in a beautiful white room. Id have my hair done up in a low bun with my hair tucked in crystal pins in a beautiful white dress. I would entertain people all the time and go to these beautiful dances and balls. I would have everything together, a perfectly clean house, I would do things all the time like take classes at the gym or take the kids to their soccer practice. And I would be so loved by my husband that i wouldnt even know what to do with myself. Just unconditional support. Id work part time at the aquarium nearby and work for nonprofits. 

The thing is, I dont think any of that is real at all. People fight, things get fucked up, things are stressful, I have numerous mood disorders at this point... I never thought I could get over the loss of my family. The day she died, I lost every bit of hope that Id ever have a real family, and so I never knew if I could then have a real family of my own. [I guess what I should mean to say real is is a healthy one and all the primary members are still present.] 

I finally overcame the hurdle recently where I thought I would never feel things again. He did that for me. And love means so much to me, I thought it was the one thing if I could have, that one amazing love, that I could accept all the things that happened to me. I thought God and I made a deal when I was about 10 that I would take whatever he had to throw at me, I just asked for love, and I felt kind of a confirmation I thought. But I dont think God gives guarantees and I think I was wrong. Or maybe I already fucked it up when I was given the chance. I mean, im crazy in love with a boy right now, but hes never looked at me the same since he found out what Ive done. I believe he loves me so he stays. But thats even hard for him to swallow. And when I think about that life for me that I want, hes who I see it with. He feels like hes my family, and that hes not going anywhere, and I want to believe so badly that he sees past all the bad of me. I want him to know im not like everyone else. And I try to understand that maybe I was given the option to make those horrible choices so that I would understand that I just possibly lost the best thing that couldve happened to me because I wasnt acting like the person that the best could want. I think of it as a way to force myself to see my mistakes so that I understand not to make them again and not continue down that path. I understand that I am at a huge crossroads in my life right now and that I can choose to not really do anything with my life and let it fall apart or that I can pull it together and try to make it what I want it to be. Im not sure that I have it in me to do it when things look so bleak.

I dont want to move in with my dad. I left for a reason. I cant handle living with him, he is really bad for my anxiety. I dont really blame him for it anymore, I think he has an anxiety problem too and doesnt know how to not put that on other people. But it would feel like taking so many steps backward. And I know I would have to sacrifice a lot of myself to do it. He demands to be right and he demands for me to feel and think certain ways that i just dont, and I will never be the perfect person for him, nor for anyone else. I recognize that I am a really strong minded individual that just cant for the life of me be what someone else wants me to be, but i damn sure wish I could. A lot of times I just wish I wasnt me. I feel like everyone wants something different from me, and that im just not enough. Or that I have too many issues to be what they want. 

Sometimes I have the strength to say fuck that, Im proud of who I became because anyone that knows the full truth has told me that they would have killed themselves a long time ago. And I appreciated that they were truthful about it. But I still dont really get any slack from it. Life doesnt stop just because you need it to. 

My dad says hes about to take a job overseas and that he wants me to take over the family and bills and all of that... and it honestly feels like hes choosing my life for me and that Im about to end up stuck in my hometown living the same life he did just a different job. When I go home all I see is my past and how miserable I was before, and just all of these ghosts of past people and past happenings, and specifically my mom. I mean we still have a lot of her things and we still live in the same house we lived in. Its like my dad and sister dont feel it. But its like all of what happened in that house is still there, like a haunting. 

But anyways, Im getting offtrack. The thing is is that hes right when he says I could live rent free and I wont be able to really afford an apartment by myself at first. But honestly, I only see myself doing three options. Living with my dad, taking a job in a random place because I found security deposit money and I just go for it, or I live with him. And while my favorite options is living with him, we fight every other day, and I am constantly afraid of when hes going to leave. (yeah, i know, healthy). Its definitely not the time to talk about it. It just fucking sucks because there are so many times I look at him, and I am just overcome with how much I love him (hes called me out on a few occasions, much to my amusement) and its like I cant say it or I shouldnt let myself feel that way because he doesnt want to be with me. Its not like I dont understand why, I just dont want it to be like that. But i cant give up. Especially after all of this, like I did not put myself through this for no reason. I just want to stop feeling so sad about it, its like I cant be sad because then im not enjoying the time hes giving me, but I cant be too happy because at any time he could just decide hes never going to want to be with me again. It makes me insecure and into a person that im not. But its yet another thing that i dont have control over. Because i do everything that i know how to do, but im told its not being seen or that its not enough. And sometimes Im so down about it that I think he just deserves better than me. When were in a fight and hes describing how he sees me, it makes me see myself like that, and then i just dont understand why he loves me at all. It makes me think that he has to see past what he thinks he sees. Ive been beginning to be so hurt by what he says about me that im not sure i can look at myself the same way. If the person that ended up knowing and seeing all of my worst and best parts of me thinks so little of me, then what am i to think of myself? I cant blame him for thinking that im a liar and a fake but good God do I pray someday he will look at me and not see that. Im trying so hard to turn my life around and be someone hes worthy of being with, and I think thats why when im in one of my really bad states that on the inside im just screaming at the top of my lungs, I feel like im not being heard, I feel like im not even here and that he has to be talking about someone else. How did I become that person? I just know that that cant be me or who I became, because ive fought tooth and nail to get out, and I dont believe in not being able to change your life around. I just know that if I dont continue trying to be with him and to stop doing what he doesnt want me to do, that im never going to know if it could have worked. That maybe that was it. Everything in me has been telling me I should fight, and now is the time I have to. That im in this place for a reason right now and I have to work my hardest to get out of what ive done to myself. I just know that ive hardly been able to feel anything since my mom died, and since i met him I feel everything in life again, like I care again about what happens. Im fighting for myself because I feel like theres something there. I can look outside and feel happy about a flower that I found pretty growing. Im filled with hope, and I want to fight. I think thats what I have to do. Fight for the life that I want and not let anyone else decide it for me. I need to fight to make myself better. I need to fight to get what I want. And I think hes been trying to fight with me and help me to. And maybe thats part of his purpose in my life. I just dont feel like its over yet. Any of it. I just need to be okay with not making a decision of what to do right this second. Things need time to work through themselves as well. I cant control everything. I need to do one day at a time and stop letting others influence me so much, and to trust myself to do whats right for me. (Ha, trust someone on drugs, real funny...) 

I just know this is only a fraction of how my mom felt when she was trying to do better after all that shed done, which is a lot worse than me, and I pray that she has peace now knowing that I know she tried. Im just going to try to not make the same mistakes of letting other people control my life and tell me who I am or am not. I decide that. And I dont have to let my past travel on with me. I just need to fight.