#and during it bc i felt like the worst person alive for needing to eat

[mrsnancywheeler]

IM SO SORRY THIS ONE IS LONG ILL LEAVE YOU ALONE SOON YOU JUST GIVE ME BRAIN WORMS

I’m back on my Finnick silliness

Finnick who sits by his sweet girl (yes. She was his sweet girl again) while she lays unconscious after her games. The overwhelming feeling of guilt, relief, exhaustion, and mourning.

Relief because his sweet girl (yes his sweet girl, she was finally his sweet girl again) was alive and breathing in front of him. Relief because after 2 years, 2 years that felt like a lifetime, Finnick was finally able to hold his sweet girl again. He was able to hold her hand, kiss her face, give her the adoration and delicacy she deserved.

Exhaustion because seeing her in the arena was probably the most emotionally draining things he’s had to go through. The fear of her getting hurt, or worse, dying ate away at him. The jealousy and silent rage he felt watching her kiss and hold Conway. The fear and anxiety he felt when he realized Conway would kill you. He didn’t sleep a wink, every moment he could he was looking at her. He was getting her sponsors (watching her get hypothermia was probably the worst thing he’s been through, and that’s saying something)

Mourning because he mourns the person she was. He knows she won’t be the same. He knows the fear, anxiety, the depression, the guilt, everything that comes out of the games. He mourned the carefree girl he loved, but that didn’t matter, he needed to be there for his sweet girl.

Yet as she lied there there must have been a subtle anger he began to feel because imagine if he began to hear talks about his sweet girls desirability. How people would have loved to spend just a night with her, or perhaps both him and her if they had the chance.

He probably realized he would be able to hold her once more but soon he wouldn’t be the only one. And that? That is probably what truly broke his heart.

Okay…bye

I MEAN IT WITH MY FULL CHEST WHEN I SAY YOU DON'T HAVE TO LEAVE ME ALONE BC I LOVE TALKING ABOUT THIS STUFF SM LIKE I'M SO GRATEFUL FOR YOU POOKIE

tw trafficking, violence, death

so at the beginning of midnight rain finnick was so prickly and like multiple times reader mentions that he's trying to be too much like a mentor, he's comforting her but it's not the same until after he tells her about what snow does to so-called "desirable" victors because that's him breaking down his walls

and I'm just thinking about what a tumultuous time that was for their relationship because they're so young and have both been through so much trauma and he has his sweet girl back but at what cost

and he feels so responsible that any of this happened to you, so he has to do his best now to mentor you for the press after and the eventual victors tour. he gets to hold you, to kiss you, to be with you, but he has to make sure you know the importance of keeping up performances. so their's a lull where you feel different because of what's happened that compounded with how you feel like he's different too, he's keeping things from you, and is still guarded

like there's 6 years between reader winning her games and the version we see in the lakes and the river, so much more healing and bonding, so much love strengthened. so the finnick who tries to be there for reader after her games and is scared to tell her about her fate learns so much to become the finnick trying to bring reader back in the lakes.

but yes finnick would've been exhausted during your games, he can't eat if you're starving or ill or hurt, or if you're trying to convince conway you love him. he can't sleep when you could die at any time. this man would go through lengths to make sure you had the best sponsors, it didn't matter how many more customers he had to take it it meant you would survive. and then your fate was nearly out of his control when the hypothermia hit. something people can die so quickly of and he feels like he'd truly snap if that happened, he spends every sponsor dollar to get you that blanket, and is so grateful that marlowe knows how to take care of you. because you're his sweet girl, freezing and shivering in the rain. then there's the trauma reader has related too the cold and rain after that, he's so grateful he's always warm because he can end your chills with his touch. but it takes you so long to leave the house in the rain even when warm and you still hate it.

and yes, you've changed so much. there's less impulsivity, less dreams of a life out of your grasp, maybe because you have it now, but you also have no hope for anything but misery. you're more forelorn, there's less walls you put up, you just cry, but you still worry more about him then you to yourself which crushes him. his poor sweet girl, so traumatized, so cold all the time, and so utterly distracted by wanting to help him instead

oh my god, when finnick was doing whatever he could to get you sponsors I can imagine all the people that invested because they saw your interview and wanted you. all the people who'd say, "well if I sponsor her, I'd definitely get my money's worth." with a chuckle to their friends, so disgusting, who laughed back

"those tears would be even prettier in person"

"I would love to see what else they mouth could do"

and finnick's blood is boiling, but he needs the money so his sweet girl can live. he feels so guilty for it when you're with him though, it's one of the reasons he doesn't tell you about it for so long. you'll be safe as long as he keeps you out of reality, which he can't do forever.

and yes people definitely want both you and finnick at some point, I mean the beloved couple from district 4 people can't get enough from and he doesn't know if it's better or worse that way. because then you have to watch each other take the rougher treatment but he can also be there for each other.

especially early on he can clean you up, put you back together if you're both wanted, before the tragedy that it's commonplace hits and you learn to take care of yourself because so often you're alone.

he hates that other people want you that way, that other people will see you that way because he knows that if neither of you were forced to be in a place like this you'd just want each other and just have each other so completely. but his sweet girl is being forced to perform and sold to the highest bitter which will always make him sick and angry. because he just wants to love his sweet girl.

sorry this is kind of all over the place lmao

#wanda 💋 #finnick odair x reader #finnick odair #finnick odair x y/n #finnick odair fluff #finnick odair angst #finnick odair x reader fluff #finnick odair x you #finnick odair x reader angst #the lakes #the river

[dreaminginvelaris]

A Response to a Feyre Anti

I made a post recently explaining the dread of having to watch Feyre be abused by her sisters and father, in the Tv adaption. And a Feyre anti made a response, to something that should not be criticized at all considering what I said was just the truth? Feyre was abused. Not only that but they went on and completely twisted the narrative to fit their own ideas and in the process made Feyre out to be cruel and Nesta a saint. complete bull.

I will not be tagging the anti bc they have me blocked (shocker), but also I do not want anyone to go after them, if you come across the post, I don't want it to be through me. it's as much respect I can give to them.

I usually do not respond to those who have something to say with a post of mine or are blatantly talking about me on their blog, unless they're just spreading absolute lies about me or what i "said", it's usually a waste of time to do so. but this post attacked Feyre with outrageous lies and a complete backward interpretation of what actually happened in acotar, so as respectful as I can be, I will be analyzing the anti-response and what truly happened in acotar.

"the audience will only see two sisters fighting-not abuse" "it’s not Nesta you need to worry about. It’s audiences calling Feyre a big dumbass and a bitch" -from anti

if the audience has basic human compassion and empathy for humans IRL or fictional, they will see what's obvious from the start. Feyres abuse. how is it going to look, when they see Feyre walking through the woods, shaking from the cold, starving from hunger, and struggling to find food for her family? only to later see Nesta's treatment of Feyre?"

in the anti's post, they said Feyre was just as "heinous" to Nesta.

is Feyre the one calling Nesta a pig? a smelly pig? ordering her to take her clothes off?

no, it's not, it's dear Nesta. the text goes as "I took my time, swallowing the words I wanted to bark at her" oh yes... how cruel of Feyre. how heinous of Feyre to...stay quiet... at the verbal abuse.

in the same image we see Feyre ask Nesta to do something (kindly might I add) and then inquire why she didn't chop wood like she needs to.

what does Nesta do? acts like a brat and insults Feyre...once again.

considering I'm going off by the story and not the actual screenplay, and assuming they stay true to the story; will the audience not be disgusted by Nesta's behavior? I mean they just saw Feyre struggle to find food and they expect Feyre to go home to a family happy and appreciative of Feyre but instead, they get this familial abuse.

the anti said Feyre basically tells Nesta this:

"If you keep bitching at everyone like this no one will want to be around you or you can’t marry this guy because you’re a waste of space to me"

but what do we see?

"Believe me... the day you want to marry someone worthy, I'll march up to his house and hand you over. But you're not going to marry Tomas."

the word worthy, did that not catch your eye? Feyre said Nesta will have to marry someone worthy, someone, who will treat Nesta kindly and give her the life Feyre thinks her sisters deserve. bc Feyre does think that IDK why anti feyres think Feyre despised Nesta so much, Feyre loved her sisters.

what the anti fails to realize here is that Nesta marrying Tomas would have been actually pretty great for Feyre. in the sense that, Feyre would no longer carry the burden of her sister. Feyre would not have to worry about feeding one more mouth. or worrying about Nesta's constant stealing of Feyre's money. Feyre does not think Nesta is a "waste of space" to her, if she did, it would have been easy for Feyre to discard Nesta, and allow her to marry Tomas. the anti has that twisted.

but that is not even the worst part of the scene. did you see the shameless slut-shaming that came out of Nesta's mouth? how will the audience take to that? do you think most of the younger generation will take it lightly to see a sister slut-shame a sister? a woman putting down another woman? in this social climate? where the feminism movement is alive and flourishing. will they be okay with it? will they still blame Feyre and be mad at her the way the anti says they will be? I hope not otherwise I'm losing faith in humanity.

Lovely words Nesta spews at Feyre. I admit Feyre should have told her then and there that Tomas is abusive. but let's think: Feyre is 19 years old, the youngest, has never had any raising by a parental figure, has been neglected by her whole family, where would Feyre learn to calmly talk to an overgrown brat like Nesta? Feyre telling Nesta who Tomas truly is the duty of a parent, not a sister. I will not condemn Feyre for not knowing that was the perfect time to tell Nesta who Tomas is. especially when Feyre is being tormented and verbally/emotionally abused, its kinda hard to think about something else while you're being told all these horrible words. to us its easy to see where Feyre went wrong but unless you're in the exact position Feyre was in. no one has any room to talk. and even then, every person is different in situations like these.

this part was me analyzing the interactions between Feyre and Nesta since anti had reasons to believe Feyre was just as bad to Nesta and that the audience would see that and hate Feyre. I am now going to respond to the second part of the Feyre Anti's response.

"How will an audience of non-fans react to her not reaching out to her family to tell them she was okay after the reconciliation between her and Nesta? Or not inviting them to the wedding?"- from anti

moving onto acomaf now.

Idk maybe the audience will see Feyre, a depressed, lonely, individual in an abusive relationship while being manipulated by other individuals she called friends, and understand and empathize with her. all throughout the beginning and half of acomaf, Feyre is in critical depression. she wholeheartedly believes she should not be alive. that she is not worthy. she doesn't eat, all she does is sleep, self-care is not important to her or others so why would letting a family know she's okay, a family who BARELY ever cared about her, be a priority? it doesn't seem like Nesta or elain or her father was really fazed by Feyre's lack of communication. her father left on a trip, elain got engaged and Nesta, well we didn't see a tearful welcoming to Feyre on Nesta's part did we?

anti, where is the outcry of her "family" not even really caring if Feyre was safe or not, of what happened to her? it's not like they thought she had died, otherwise, where was the mourning or funeral? no, they just didn't care.

see this is where I know when anti is just full of bullshit. why, WHY, would Feyre invite her family to wedding full of fae? the creatures elain and Nesta fear and hate? for all the talk many anti's spew about Feyre being inconsiderate to Nesta, to her family, you would think Feyre maybe just knows a fae wedding would be the last thing they would want? even then, does Feyre owe them an invitation to her wedding? does she owe them an update on her life? nope. Feyre owed them nothing.

"How about her shit-talking Nesta to a bunch of strangers then having the audacity to ask her to get involved in a war. Oh! This is after she comes into her house and insults their hospitality." - from anti

I hardly think Feyre confiding in individuals who she learned to care about and laying out all the trauma Feyre endured with her family is "shit-talking" but for argument's sake, let's say it is. I still don't see what's wrong? after years of pent-up anger and hurt, would you not let go of everything you withheld inside and explain what was done to you? how you felt? Feyre telling the IC her life story, which contains Nesta's abuse and her family's neglect, was a form of therapy for Feyre. I never read a line where Feyre calls Nesta a "cold-hearted bitch" or called elain "a lazy ditz" she just said the truth. no added embellishments. Cassian was the one who shit-talked Nesta during the dinner scene, never Feyre.

I still don't understand why antis are so against Feyre asking her sisters for help? like the war didn't involve them? they're humans, and you know what the war was about? Hybern wanting to take control of the human lands like they once did and turn them into slaves. those humans included Nesta and elain.

"They could have left the continent" correct, except elain was engaged and refused to leave Grayson. which meant Nesta refused to leave elain. but even so, isn't it the duty of humans to band together and work to overthrow a race of people who want to torture and keep them as slaves? the queens certainly weren't doing their jobs. Feyre asked to use "their" house to meet the queens bc where else would they do it? the queens trust the fae less than Nesta or elain did. but even so, Feyre asking to use their house was a courtesy, that house is rightfully Feyre's. she is the one who sacrificed herself to leave with Tamlin. she did it bravely, courageously, and they got that house thanks to her. they owed Feyre everything. and the only one who acknowledged that was Elain.

that war involved elain and Nesta whether they or Feyre or the anti's liked it or not. not even considering that Nesta and elain are Feyre Archerons sisters, yeah, their family name alone puts a target on their back.

How did Feyre or the court insult Elain's and Nesta's hospitality? You mean when Feyre realized human food differed from fae food? something she did not know about bc she's barely been turned to fae and only had eaten fae dishes? Feyre's grimace towards the human food was an involuntary reaction to someone who is still learning their new body. or was it when Cassian called out Nesta for her cold treatment towards Feyre? if that's the case then fuck decency, I would call out a fake bitch in my presence from minute one. you cant call what Nesta did "hospitality" when all she did was insult Feyre when she didn't even care that Feyre had died, or lost her love bc of abuse, or that her body was changed against her will.

hospitality: the friendly and generous reception and entertainment of guests, visitors, or strangers.

did y'all read something different bc this for sure was nothing Nesta gave to her guests?

----

the rest of the anti post moves towards Rhysand and his actions UTM which I won't go into because I'm mainly just addressing the false interpretations this anti had to say about Feyre and her family.

I'm not sure how to sign off now lol, but I guess just that I hope this was enough to show how this anti's arguments were completely ludicrous and have absolutely no compassion for Feyre, and instead all the compassion for Feyre's abusers. This anti had a real spin on what the actual story was, and I hope the evidence I provided was enough to show that. Anyways yeah my brain is fried, and I'm done arguing with Feyre anti's for a while now, I need to go praise my queen Feyre so I can receive some semblance of peace.

anyways, stan Feyre for clear skin xx

#acotar #feyre acomaf #acofas #a court of thorns and roses #nesta and feyre #feyre deserves better #high lady feyre #high lady of the night court #feyre archeron #pro feyre #pro feysand #stan feyre #feyre cursebreaker #feyre darling #feyre acotar #rhys x feyre #feyre x rhysand #elain archeron #elain acotar #elain #anti nesta #anti nesta archeron #anti nesta stans #acotar tv series #acotar tv show #acotar tv adaptation #acotar series #sjm #sjm fandom #acotar fandom

[trvelyans-archive]

okay well i’ve been thinking about wayhaven celandine all day so here’s a fact dump (under the cut because it’s Long):

religiously does her nails - she used to bite them down to the nub when she was a kid and had a tendency to pick at her hangnails until she was bleeding, so the only thing that stops her from doing that when she’s worried/stressed is by wearing nail polish/acrylics

online shops Way more than she should and spends too too too much money on her clothes. she wants to feel sexy and badass All The Time and intimidate people by feeling sexy and badass. lots of very very simple and understated tops but with sharp angles/silhouettes 

on the other hand, has a very minimalist house - she doesn’t have very many decorations or anything.... personal, really ? she has some fake plants to Liven the place up so it doesn’t look like an ikea set but besides that not much - pretty standard furniture, coasters, etc

was in the debate club in high school and fucking Rocked it. was 100% the top debater and the only time she ever really partied in high school was debate trips. she also played lady m*cbeth in 12th grade and like. was really good at acting ? briefly considered a career in it but wanted to do something more “respectable” (i say as a theatre major slkfjsdl)

she kept to herself in high school a lot besides that, and didn’t really get along with her teachers bc if they messed something up or said something dumb she Would Debate Them, yes she Is that type of person, yes it Does come from childhood trauma of her mother not being around and therefore celandine not respecting authority very much,

met bobby bc he was assistant stage manager for the show where she played lady m*cbeth lol !!! tbh she didn’t really care too much about bobby - sure, they dated for 3 years but she never really loved him, and it was never too serious of a relationship, they just went on dates and had sex a lot but didn’t really take it seriously or fully commit to each other

then, when he steals her essay or whatever it is and she finds out, she dumps his ass and doesn’t regret it for a second, mainly bc she feels embarrassed and angry that he got the better of her and somehow did that ? like stole her whole ass paper ? but also he’s crusty so she doesn’t really care besides that !!! she starts going on dates again right away so it doesn’t really matter, in fact bobby probably got the worst deal

keeps her dad’s wedding ring on her bedside table in a little ashtray. sometimes, when she’s INCREDIBLY sad or feels really lonely, she likes to hold it in her hand and talk to him. she doesn’t remember her dad, like, at all, but the only thing she ever wanted was for him to be alive so she wasn’t so lonely and didn’t grow up relying on only herself for so long

she’s really polite when someone needs her to be nice to them- she always thought that, if her dad helped protect people and took care of them, that she should when given the opportunity to make him proud. besides that, though, she isn’t at all friendly and can easily hint to someone that they should gtfo when she wants to be left alone - she just doesn’t really care about anyone else’s opinion of her really, she grew up so independent that herself is the only person she’s felt like she can rely on. tends to act polite anyway, if a little stiffly, because a lot of the time there’s no need to bitch someone out, but when she needs to... oh boy does she deliver

she likes tina and verda well enough, and tina is just generally hard to hate, even for someone like celandine. they’re pretty close and have had a couple of girls nights with wine and like. face masks and nail polish painting, but don’t do it very often because celandine doesn’t really want to do it very often slkfjslsdfk. having fun with people and getting close to people makes her second-guess every conversation she’s had with anyone ever and every person she’s pushed away so. it’s not good to dwell on it

she’s babysat for verda a couple of times and is actually decent with kids and is pretty good at Pranking them into eating their veggies and telling them exciting bedtime stories with voices and everything. she doesn’t do it anymore for a few reasons tho, mainly just that she doesn’t have the time

she is terrified of commitment because she just doesn’t have a lot of grace when it comes to relationships and feels like she is inevitably going to say something wrong or mean (not that she would, because like i said, when someone needs her to Not be mean, she isn’t mean) or she’s going to die/get busy and leave them feeling like she’s felt her entirely life and she’s had a very sad and lonely life so she wouldn’t wish that on anyone

that being said, once her and adam get together at Some point during the series, she just has. the absolute WORST baby fever. now that she is committed and has a future with someone - guaranteed bc no matter what happens her and adam will always stay together - she can not only be a better mom than rebecca ever was, but also she just wants to be the best mom in the world. she would be ! her kid would be so stylish and also would feel so loved and respected and cherished and she would kick the ass of any bully or teacher who tried to fuck with them !!! and she would be so good at bedtime stories and playing with her kid !!!

okay, so, now that the Fun facts are out of the way, onto her very obvious flaws: mean, likes to feel better than anyone, terrible spender (like terrible, i’m serious when i say she spends probably 40% of her work paycheck on clothes), absolutely so stubborn, gets really mad and belligerent when she’s proven wrong or loses at board games, no sense of artistry and is good at no artistic things besides acting lol LKSDJFLDS, stans Shakespeare and reads his books for fun, finds looking thru ikea catalogues and furniture catalogues relaxing, showers every day, has a 1 hour bedtime routine, and, on the other end of that, she cannot be roused out of bed if she doesn’t want to be !!! 

but she has good qualities too !!! she’s not Evil, she’s just mean, so she does have a good heart and DOESN’T like when people are cruel and hurt other people on purpose (something she very rarely does unless someone is rlly pissing her off), will do work for you if you need her to (her love languages are words of affirmation and acts of service), and if you’re close friends and once she’s let down her guard a bit throughout the series, she WILL be really fun at parties bc she is very witty, she is very supportive of you and yet will be honest if you need her to be, and she really will be super loyal to you for a long time - she’s scared of commitment but, when faced with the need to commit, she will do it !!!

also she’s a master couponer so if you’re her friend FUCK buying things full price, she’ll find you the best goddamn deal in the world !!!

her and adam’s date night ideas are: 1 - sparring together ! 2 - playing board games together that ends with the winner giving the loser consolation smooches until they feel like a winner too :) 3 - reading shakespeare together :) 4 - going on walks !!! 5 - doing work together and distracting the other with an occasional smoomch or a Loving Declaration before handing them the pen they asked for !!! 6 - drinking red wine and celandine asking adam for Juicy Historical Gossip ;3 7- sleeping !!! celandine isn’t grumpy if she wakes up to hot man smooches

okay that’s all i got thanks for reading okay bye

#oc: celandine #everyone please love and appreciate her.... finally.... i have a Mean Oc..... #gone are the days of nice ocs... it is time for... Bitch Central #she'll be fun and it'll be good and i'm excited !!!

[missnmikaelson-main]

The Mummy - Thebes, 2134 BC

I do not own TVD or TO or The Mummy

Thebes�� they called it the city of the living; the crown jewel of Pharaoh Seti I.

The people called him immortal, but no man can truly live forever. Not without cost at least. That was what he had told her.

Her confident steps never faltered as she strode through the garden that was really a corridor. She could feel their eyes on her, but none were allowed to touch for she was the Pharaoh’s mistress.

He was a selfish man. He was a possessive man. He was a lecherous man.

Pharaoh’s mistress. It was a fancy, polite way of saying she was his concubine; that her body belonged to him and him alone.

She had never chosen this life. It had been chosen for her.

She came from a respectable family. The shame had warred with their pride when she was chosen to be mistress to Seti. Her position came with prestige; she was one of the most powerful women in the court, but everyone knew she was his whore.

The list of people allowed to touch her was miniscule. It consisted of the Pharaoh and her handmaids; she despised both.

The handmaids would paint her body from head to toe. Clothing was not permitted for her during the warmer months of the year.

They happened to be living in the warmer months.

She knew guards were staring as she walked past them. Their eyes would be drawn to her glowing curves accentuated by the thick lines of black Kohl; it created a design of scales descending from her painted pectoral to the top of her sex. The only clothing she wore was the narrow cloth hanging between her thighs from a beaded belt.

The impression was that of a skin tight beaded dress, but anyone who stared long enough would see the smooth curves of her behind. They would trace the defined shape of her hips and perhaps catch a glimpse of her smooth core. It would take less than a glance to see her nipples formed into tight buds between the lines of paint.

She was naked, and she hated it. She kept her face impassive though. Who would dare to complain in her position?

She was the favorite. She was immortalized in stone and reliefs; her name would go down in history. Wasn’t that what everyone always wanted? Wasn’t that what truly mattered?

The gods would know her name when she arrived in the afterlife. She would live on in eternity.

She was his favorite, but he was not hers.

Her face remained impassive as she strode into the temple and past the ornate statues of Osiris. She could feel the eyes of the priests on her before she vanished between the curtains that led to the bedroom.

Her lips tipped up in a true smile when she saw him. He was her favorite.

Thebes was home to Silas, High Priest of Osiris and Keeper of the Dead.

Her eyes flicked slowly from his exposed chest to his eyes as his fingers traced the plains of her face and body without touching her skin. The proximity drove her mad when she repeated the action.

This was their ritual. This was all they were permitted to do, but damn it, she wanted more. She couldn’t contain herself when she saw the passion in his darkened gaze.

Her hand grasped the back of his neck. It took no persuasion. He wanted her as much as she wanted him.

Their lips met in a passionate kiss. Quiet moans reverberated through her body. She couldn’t stop them; his hands were roaming over her ‘perfect body’.

She loved him, and he loved her. For that love they were willing to risk their lives.

She broke the kiss when she heard the loud crash coming from the antechamber. She exchanged a look with Silas before urging him to back away.

Her hand was stroking the golden head of a cat when the Pharaoh strode inside. She smirked and ran her eyes over his body suggestively; he loved it when she showed an openly obvious interest in him.

His eyes narrowed. Lifting his hand he pointed an accusing finger at her shoulder.

“Who has touched you?” His cry was outraged.

He was a possessive man.

Her heart leapt into her throat when she saw the smudged paint. They were always so careful, but passion had overtaken him; it had overtaken them both.

Her mouth popped open as she started to back away. Her hands were raised until she saw who pulled the Pharaoh’s sword from its scabbard; she could see the shock on his face when he turned around.

“Silas,” his eyes grew round, “my priest?”

Seti cried out in pain when a bronze dagger was plunged into his back. He had just seen Amara’s determined eyes when the sword was stabbed into his abdomen. He lost track of how many times the couple ran him through; he was gone before the royal guards broke into the chamber.

Silas and Amara turned when the doors were forced open.

“You must go,” she inhaled sharply when he tried to stand firm beside her. “No,” she tore the sword from his hands, “save yourself, my love; only you can resurrect me.”

Silas’ eyes filled with despair. He knew what she planned to do; he would have fought to stay with her but he was outnumbered by his gold painted priests.

Determination settled over her shoulders like a well-worn blanket. She only had one choice, but that was alright; there were always options.

She met the eyes of the head of Pharaoh’s guard and hissed: “my body is no longer his temple.” It was almost satisfying when the blade plunged into her heart.

++++

Amara’s body was mummified. Her vital organs were removed and placed with in the sacred canopic jars.

For the crime of murdering the Pharaoh Amara’s body was to be cursed. It was the duty of the High Priest to curse it; the prospect had filled Silas with dread even as he read from the golden book of the living.

The book contained the sacred incantations that would send the evil dead on a journey into the darkest parts of the underworld. Such a curse was used on Amara.

The slaves who buried the body under the sand were killed by the soldiers of the pharaoh; the soldiers were in turn slain by the priests for no unholy person could be allowed to know the exact location of the burial site.

The thing that was unknown was that there was another book. The Black Book of the Dead which was never to be opened, never to be read; it contained the incantations that would bring a body back to life as a most unholy thing.

It was hidden at Hamunaptra, City of the Dead, inside the statue of Anubis, so that no such sacrilege might ever bring disgrace to Egypt, but for his love of Amara Silas was willing to defy all.

Skulls bobbed in the thick black goop that made up the moat surrounding the underground cemetery. The water had once been crystal clear but the rot of human remains had long since turned it to sludge.

A quiet hum reverberated off the ceiling as the bald priests chanted and watched the proceedings with hooded, lifeless eyes. Their head rocked back and forth as they chanted; the collective voice was eerie as it rose from the heinous creatures that had once been vibrant men.

Silas finished removing the wrappings from her lifeless body; even in death she was gorgeous. He placed the canopic jars around her body and nodded. The organs were still fresh so a human sacrifice would not need to be made.

He chanted from the book and felt the large swirling hole that rose from the bog; it brought a gleam of fear to the eyes of several of the priests. They tore their eyes away and returned to their chanting.

A mist lifted from the swirling hole and passed through the jars and into the body of Amara. Within one of the jars her heart began to beat.

The voices of Silas and the priests, the rushing wind from the swirling hole and the beating heart filled the air until nothing else could be heard. When the noise was deafening Silas saw her eyes fly open.

Her soul had returned. All that remained was to return her organs to her body; their rightful place.

The noise grew impossibly loud as he lifted the ceremonial knife over her chest. He was about to plunge the blade into her chest when a mass of soldiers stormed the cemetery.

A loud crash announced the breaking of the canopic jar and the crushing of her heart.

Amara’s soul lifted out of her body and dissipated back into the hole.

Silas had barely been given a chance to cry out when he was captured by the royal guards.

The priests were sentenced to be mummified alive.

For his crimes Silas was sentenced to endure the Hom-dai. It was the worst of the ancient curses. It was so terrible it had never before been bestowed on anyone.

Sacred scarabs were released into his coffin, by eating them he was cursed to stay alive forever, and by eating him they were cursed just the same.

Silas was to remain sealed inside his sarcophagus for all eternity. The Medjay would never allow him to be released for if he was he would arise as a walking disease, a plague upon mankind, an unholy flesh eater with the strength of ages, power over the sands, and the glory of invincibility.

And if were to ever succeed in raising his beloved from her place in the underworld they would become an unstoppable force; an infection upon the world: the apocalypse.

tags @rissyrapp20, @elejah-wonderland @elejahforever @eternityunicorn @morsmornte

[devilgem-archive]

heya!! do you mind if i ask a bit abt ur kyokoswap au?? if u dont wanna thats fine but any info/hcs u have abt it wld be cool bc the au seems rlly neat!! tho again if u dont wanna def no pressure ^^; have a wonderful day!! :D

VIBRATES EXCITEDLY i’ve been waiting 50 years for someone to ask about this!!!!!kyoko magica is one my oldest and most developed aus, i’m more than happy to answer this!

aside from minor adjustments to better fit each character’s arc, the story itself follows canon’s exactly! starts with kyoko having a dream about mami, ends with mami tearing apart kyokami in a new world. ofc a lot of the girls’ original traits remain in tact. kyoko is more like her pre-tds self, kind but ditzy and reckless, mami retains her ladylike grace, homura her overprotectiveness and so on…i always prefer leaving aspects that makes characters…themselves in swap aus if u get me? or maybe that’s just me

KYOKO

swaps with madoka. madokyoko or kyokami, as i like to call her!

a simple christian girl with a plain, ordinary life. kyoko had everything she could ever ask for: a loving family, supportive friends, amazing teachers- just everything! all of that changed when she meets a mysterious blonde girl in a post-apocalyptic setting in a dream…and that very same girl appears in her life the very next day!

while she has a kind heart, she is known to be fiery and unreasonable at times. this temper was usually displayed in heated confrontations with mami

the sakuras used to be rather poor. their financial status improved when the akemis stepped in to assist them, and the two families had forged a close bond ever since

eating is practically her hobby. still hates wasting food and will call out anyone who does so

is a d@ddy’s girl through and through. her father is wise and caring, so she often seeks him out for advice

her wish varies from time to time. in the first timeline she wished to save a cat she named Amy, while others had to do with wishing one or all of her friends back or to be able to defeat walpurgisnacht etc. her final wish was to erase all witches from the past,present and future with her own hands, which caused her to ascend to godhood and leave no trace of her existence in the new world.

kyokami felt lonely when she first realized she had no way to get in touch with her loved ones on earth. it felt even strange to be god herself…she’d always been a girl of faith yknow? she eventually embraced her fate as the composer of the universe, and is perfectly happy in bring salvation to magical girls all over the globe.

ophelia is the witch of abandonment. unlike gretchen, who desires to save the world, ophelia wants to destroy it. kyoko’s faith in humanity died the second ophelia was born…and the all-powerful wudan witch stops at nothing until this cold and cruel world is nothing more than barren wasteland

MAMI

switches with homura! her nickname is homumami, but she’s usually mamicifer to me

i like to call her moemami (or moemi???) in her ‘moe’ phase

was orphaned at the age of 6 when a fatal car crash killed her parents and left her paralyzed from waist down. the hospital had practically been her home since, until she was officially discharged yeaaaaars later

used to wear her hair in drilled pigtails, complete with colorful flower clips that surprisingly correspond to her future friends’ colors. in later timelines she would let her hair down and replace the childish clips with her signature bronze ones.

used to be wheelchair bound before contracting. learned to utilize her healing powers so she could walk again; she used crutches and ribbons to assist her during the early timelines. in later timelines, she fully healed her injured spine the same time she changed her personality

she had a big crush on sayaka in the past…something she’d rather forget. it still flusters her

her wish ofc was to redo her meeting with kyoko sakura

her birthday falls on may 1st. more abt it here

mami has a major sweet tooth.

candeloro is a miserable witch, literally shackled with chains of despair, forever alone in this nightmarish prison- her eternal pity party. although she comes off as aloof at first, her true nature warm and inviting, almost needy even.

she has her own set of ‘clara dolls,’ known as delightful dolls. there’s four of them, each resembling the girls of the quartet but represent the hostess’/mami’s worst aspects: vexation (kyoko), disgust (madoka), cruelty (sayaka) and love (homura)– the youngest doll is the least favorite and looks suspiciously a lot like the good-for-nothing’s dolls (see sayamura for the answer)

HOMURA

switches with sayaka. i lovingly dub her sayamura

was kyoko’s friend from childhood. they attended the same catholic elementary school together before mitakihara middle school.

sported her ‘moe’ appearance pre-contract. after making her wish, she ditched the braids and glasses in order to look ‘cooler’ (@ which kyoko wld say she always looked cool in her eyes

kyoko had been her knight in shining armor for as long as she could remember, and homura really wants to repay that by protecting her as well! she is also hella gay for her bff 

her wish was to have the strength to protect others

her shield is very similar to the one seen in the original madoka manga, though it lacks the hammerspace storage. her firearms are formed via magic

her desire for kyoko, self loathing and jealousy are big big factors to her inevitable demise.

homulilly here is a mix of her nutcracker and mortal world forms. each and every one of the clara dolls still exist along with lotte, luiselotte, liese and lillia.

love is in fact, one of homura’s dolls; because homura and mami cherish the same person deeply, their feelings intertwined and therefore ‘share’ ai. post-rebellion, ai continues to pose as one of the delightful dolls and attempts to revive homura’s memories behind mamicifer’s back

SAYAKA

switches with mami. her nickname is mamisayaka here!

ghost and lonely are big inspos,esp for oktavia

came from a rather well off family, so she never really needed to worry about provisions when she was left on her own. still, all the money in the world could never fill the gaping hole in her lonely heart

knows how to play the violin

her parents and kyousuke and hitomi all perished when a theater collapsed on itself. old wounds reopened when madoka left her to live life her own way

is the ideal big sis! cheerful, sporty and has good grades…For A Sayaka. beneath the facade she’s a depressed slob who doesnt take care of herself as much as she should. its oke as long as she hides it all with a smile :)

oktavia von seckendorff is very highkey based off lewis msa; deadbeat-esque familiars, an abandoned mansion/concert hall labyrinth and a disembodied glass heart, which sits at the very bottom of her lagoon- that kind stuff. those she falls in love with, whether romantically or platonically, are never to leave her- she wont be alone, never again. one condition must be fulfilled in order to kill her successfully: stay. if she’s truly feels content, she will accept death without fail.

MADOKA

swaps with kyoko. kyodoka has a nice ring, doesnt it?

used to be exactly like the sweet and well-meaning canon!madoka in the past, a key difference was she would resort to stealing and breaking other rules to keep herself and her parents and little brother alive.

her mother was a businesswoman who wanted to take a more innovative approach to her work. alas, this would cost junko her entire career and the kaname family became penniless

madoka wished for her mother’s dream project to become reality. just as ur familiar with canon!kyoko’s story, it backfired horribly. disowned from her family, her mother became an alcoholic, dad gets pushed around and baby tatsuya doesnt understand whats going on. days later…press f for the kanames and madoka’s broken heart.

is vile, absolutely vile. can be sweet in one moment then violent and emotionally manipulative in the next like the two-faced bitch she is

rarely uses honorifics to address people anymore, unless she’s playing sweet to get something out of someone. uses ‘-chan/kun/san’ for those she sincerely cares for; she didn’t call homura ‘-chan’ before she began sympathizing with the latter

has a minor problem with booze and tobacco, namely the latter.

she loves loves loves melons!

knowing the value of being frugal, madoka hates wasting things that could be put to better use. she can be kind of a cheapskate in some sense, though she's sane enough to avoid resorting to ridiculous extremities.

kriemhild gretchen is exact the opposite of canon!ophelia. this towering witch continues oh so obsessively reaching for what she cannot; that one faraway glimmer of hope sitting at the endless skies of her labyrinth she calls paradise. shes stubborn as all hell, and will not let herself be destroyed UNLESS one convinces her the world is already a happy place in no need of saving

NAGISA

nagisa is nagisa.

the same charlotte that ate mamisayaka’s head is now a bapy that lives with her post-rebellion

her wish remains the same: to have one last cheesecake with her mother

not much to say here

thats all i can remember from the top of my head! if you want me to elaborate further, pls ask me @mahoutrauma!! 

#pmmm #askies #anon #kyokoswap au #trash aus #headcanons #if only i put effort in my writing assignments as i did with this

[musicallisto]

Hi❤️ Can I have a ship w/TMR & HP(male), pls? I’m 5'7,have a long black hair,dark eyes,fair skin. I'm ENFJ,the eldest of 4,making me reliable & a good leader. Very caring,affectionate,kind,strong both physically & mentally,competitive & fearless. I'm a good listener so as a good adviser. I adore animals,children & LOVE cuddling,skinship,coffee,theme park & advanturous things.I hate heat & worst w/directions. I'm always there for my sis. Smile's always on my face & I hope everyone can smile,too.

(Thank you so much and take your time with my ship if you’re too busy, I understand! Hwaiting ♥ I’m supporting you~ 🌹🌷🌺💐🌼🌻 I hope you have a lovely day filled with happiness, smiles and love.❤️❤️❤️)

I Ship You With…

T H O M A S

• If Thomas had to describe in one word everything he felt when he looked at you, it would be admiration. He was completely mesmerized by the way you moved, the way you talked, how good of a leader you were, how everyone seemed to rely on you, how you were so tender and yet so brave, how you were so altruistic and generous, how you were determined to save everyone no matter the price. It was what drew him to you. Your personalities were so alike in many ways. Although you weren’t one of the official leaders in Group B, you quickly became the head of the operations because the girls soon realized how good you were at taking the lead, scheming and making plans, and leading people to victory. You were a rebel, a fighter, and Thomas loved that about you. You didn’t try to talk him down, to tell him what he was doing was worthless. You believed in him and he believed in you, and it was enough for the both of you, despite all the death and the chaos surrounding you. You showed your utmost potential in the Scorch: you were an absolute badass, saving Thomas and the others Gladers several times. Your fearless and commander nature was Thomas’s favorite thing about you.

• Besides being one of the strongest and most physically capable ones in the Group, you also valued intelligence a lot, so it was very important for you to keep doing mental puzzles and things like that after all the situation died down. You taught Thomas how to play chess and even if he didn’t understand a lot at the beginning, he was more than happy to play with you. It often ended up in Thomas being frustrated because you won extremely easily, in only a few minutes, and he didn’t understand how you did it. You laughed and told him that he was just really bad at that game, and you wondered why WICKED had even bothered studying his brain. He smiled light-heartedly; your little jokes never failed to bring a smile to his lips, no matter how pained he was by all those he had lost. Evenings in Paradise were spent playing chess on a makeshift board as the sun was dying down behind the horizon on your right, and it was peaceful and quiet: everything you wanted and deserved after the trials.

• Since you loved children a lot, you tried to convince Thomas to have some of your own, years after the dreadful events of the Maze and the Scorch. He was skeptical at the beginning, not wanting his children to live and to be raised in a world so dark, a world so cold, but you told him how amazing of a father he would be and how incredible the kid would feel having a dad like him, and eventually, after a few months of asking and persuading, he accepted. Your first born child, a boy, was named Newt. It felt like a proper tribute to your best friend, and although you wished he could be there to see his small alter ego, you were filled with happiness with your little family. Thomas turned out to be a really good father, treating his child with respect, love, and being firm when he needed to. Sometimes, you could hear Thomas’s voice crack when he called your son by his name, but you shared a comforting look and he smiled lightly. Everything was going to be alright.

M I N H O

• Minho must be your best friend, there is no discussion here and it seems OBVIOUS to me that you two fit each other perfectly. Like honestly I don’t see a romantic relationship between the two of you but sign me up for the bff stuff. You both get so competitive and teasing when you are around each other, especially because you were both the best runners in your respective Mazes, and Minho can’t have his ego beaten by *cough* “a girl” (he regrets those words as soon as he realizes that you’re indeed going to beat him God knows how and that you’re actually one helluva girl). You’re always throwing snarky comments at each other and being what others would think is nasty, but you both know it’s just for the laughs and it’s your way of being affectionate.

• HOWEVER, as soon as the other is in danger, shit gets wild. When Minho is threatened by WICKED because of his immune condition, you’re the first one to react and try your best to protect him, and Minho would be the quicket to jump in front of danger to protect you (I mean, Thomas would too, because they’re both such hotheads). Sometimes, and especially in the Scorch, when everything seems desperate and after Minho gets hit by the thunderbolt, his playful banter slowly turns to more philosophical and deeper conversations that he shares with you at night around a bonfire. At first, you’re taken aback, because it’s a side of Minho that you don’t know, or are not used to seeing. You find some stupid joke to make because seeing your lively best friend so down in the dumps is very frustrating, and he uncontrollably laughs because you know him so well. He’s uncapable of keeping a frown when you’re around.

• After the Scorch and all the Flare shit, when life goes back to normal, you suddenly realize that animals must have suffered as much as humans, if not more, and you instantly find a new goal: adopt and care for any stray animal that you find near Paradise or on the roads. And every g o d d a m n time you see a wounded racoon or a pathetic-looking dog, you must take it in, to the great displeasure of Minho who doesn’t understand that fascination at all. From his point of view, it’s already hard enough to keep humans alive, let alone furballs. However, when you pick a little blind in one eye kitten, pleading eyeing Minho with his only blue orb, and literally shove him under his nose, he can’t help sighing and agreeing with you. From that day, he helps you put up an animal shelter in Paradise and surprisingly becomes the most whipped and gaga in front of the baby animals.

J A M E S   S I R I U S   P O T T E R

(faceclaim: Blake Steven)• So you didn’t specify which era you wanted so I thought you were okay with any, and I never wrote anything about Next Gen (actually, yes, I did. I wrote a Lorcan x Rose fanfic years ago and it was actually quite decent. It was called Kiss From A Rose bc, yanno, the song and the wordplay, rose, haha, lol, so funny 10/10) so I thought why not? So you two would be King and Queen of mischief™ just like the two amazing bastards he was named after. You may not be the most malicious, and that’s exactly why you make an excellent duo: teachers never suspect you because they know how intelligent, mature and responsible you are, and therefore would never do anything as childish and frivolous as putting pranks on people, right? but they fail to remember that you are dating James Sirius Potter, grandson of James Potter and nephew of Fred and George Weasley. (actually, McGonagall knows very well what’s going on, but she doesn’t interfere a lot because she misses the lively and funny atmosphere in the castle from the Marauders time, or the twins time).

• Soooo many dares, tournaments and stupid challenges between the two of you. At first, they were light-hearted and simple, nothing too extravagant, like “I bet you can’t eat two turkeys in one dinner!”, but as days went on and neither backed down, it escalated until it reached the point of “One hundred Galleons if you dye Professor Longbottom’s hair green in his sleep”. You always come up with the w o r s t dare ideas, or at least the most maleficent, and the thing is James Sirius always executes them. He never backs down from a challenge or dare, partly because it amuses him a lot and partly because he doesn’t want to be seen as cowardly. When you fear it’s going too far (because you have the most common sense, so even if you find it funny, you know when it’s time to stop and be serious), you tell him that it’s okay if he doesn’t do it, and it will absolutely not degrade his reputation or the way you view him, but once he has an idea in mind, he doesn’t let it go. Which leads him to detention quite a handful of times per semester, and as a consequence he receives a lot of Howlers while you’re laughing on the other side of the table.

• Because you both adore animals, and because that kind of stuff seems to run in your blood, you decide during your fifth year to become Animaguses, or at least attempt to do it. It takes a lot of months of preparation, and at first, you are very intimidated by the processus, but James Sirius convinces you to try to do it with him because it will be so much fun and imagine the endless possibilities if you can transform into an animal at will! Finally, after months and months of bizarre spells and disgusting concoctions, after several times escaping from detention because you were brewing potions after hours in the bathrooms, you finally manage to make it. It’s very confusing at first to change shape and become an animal, and not knowing what animal you would change into when you first transformed was very stressful, but after a lot of practice and training, it became easier and easier to get used to changing into an animal, and you could use that new, secret ability to meet with him without anyone knowing.

T E D D Y   L U P I N

(faceclaim: Chace Crawford)• So despite being much older than you both and therefore leaving Hogwarts years before you, Teddy is your best friend because of his mischievous, happy-go-lucky nature that really mirrors James Sirius’s personality. You get to hang out with him a lot, because he is a very good friend of the Potters, and also because you get on well with Victoire too. He is your favorite partner in crime and when he gets a prank idea to pull on someone in the castle and James Sirius is there to follow him, he basically is unstoppable. Your trio is very well known in Hogwarts when Teddy is still attending because of your creative jokes and pranks, and, to tell the truth, a little feared.

• Even after Teddy leaves Hogwarts, you still are in touch with him and talk a lot via letters. You tell him everything that’s going in Hogwarts, the classes, your friends, your family, gossip about the professors and the students, every little thing that he never would have thought he would miss when he was a student himself. He’s the only person you tell about your Animagus journey, and he’s very impressed because he knows it’s a very advanced form of magic and few wizards are ever capable of doing so. He doesn’t need it, obviously, but he loves hearing stories about your adventures and animal escapades nonetheless. Your letters are always the highlight of his days because he loves hearing from you and James Sirius and you are the closest thing he’s ever had to a brother and a sister. He loves hearing from you, your friends and your handwriting always reminds him of the times when you would spend days scheming jinxes and hexes to traumatize the poor other students.

• During the holidays, instead of staying at Hogwarts that becomes completely empty and dull, you would go back to the city and spend one week with your family and the other with the Potters, who basically adopted you as their second daughter. You love spending days with them because most of the time, the Weasleys and Teddy are there too, and it’s one giant family gathering where everyone knows each other and everyone gets along. You usually take long walks in the countryside with your best friend, trying to catch up the time you’ve spent without talking to each other, laughing and running in the corn fields, laying in the grass and laughing at the clouds that ominously look like McGonagall, or that Malfoy kid, reaching a pond and pushing a fully-clothed Teddy in there, then fleeing from the crime scene under his infuriated shouts… You’re so grateful for your friends and the amazing family that took you under its wing.

Moodboard

bigger version

Playlist

Muse - Knights of Cydonia

Martin Garrix - Virus (How About Now)

Eminem - Not Afraid

The Cab - Angel With A Shotgun

(the playlist & moodboard are mostly TMR related, but I was much more inspired, hope you don’t mind!)

#ships #ship requests #the maze runner #thomas #dylan obrien #minho #ki hong lee #harry potter

[angeljonghyun]

So i guess here goes my longer ramble about my feelings and thoughts. No need to read it. Feel free to ignore it. The only way for me to feel relief is to post it online in some way and although i know tumblr is such a toxic site its the only space that feels right for it. its probably full of typos and doesnt make any sense, but hey who cares.

So yeah

Lately a lot of things happened, things which im thankful for and things that help me heal, but theyre not big of a help since my emotions are so strong. As some might know im currently in a clinic for relaxation 5 days a week from 10 am-2:30 pm and its pretty tough. Being around people again, experiencing painful moments during acupuncture (they find good spots that make me cry, not even really bc theyre hurting but they just make me feel all my inner pain all at once), feeling uncomfortable around certain people there and not loving all therapists bc theyre way too harsh with their words.

The past weeks have been intense and exhausting.. and since its all about relaxing i had much time to think. I had lots of time to think about jjong. Sadly it never felt like i have space, strength and time to heal properly.

I feel lots of pain,my heart feels so heavy, im bitter and im weak? Im forcing my emotions to stay calm, i hate crying in the clinic, i cant open up properly and just dont want to cry there all the time although i know i should but i just cant.

Jjong is on my mind 24/7 like literally 24/7 hes always there, always was and idk how much longer he will be but i want him to leave. My memories and the emptiness which i feel is too much, its draining me its hurting so freaking much that i cant even put it in words and the bad thing is that no one really understands.

People may know that im sad in a way but i dont think anyone understands my pain completely, obviously not, no one ever knows how one truly feels, but its a devastating feeling. Its a feeling that makes me feel quite lost and lonely, because the only person i always believed would understand my pain was him. He was my safe haven, he was the one who would be there and never judge and just understand.

Its a really sick part of my mind which has still control over this part of my emotions, i cant trust anyone, i always.. ALWAYS feel judged and i always feel like a burden and i never want to talk about my struggles because it only causes so much more chaos or eventually i never feel like the person tries and feel all lonely and unimportant again.

Jjong he was just there.. you know ?

Just his existence caused some kind of comfort for my soul, a place to rest and feel nothing but good things for a bit although even he was hurting me too, but i accepted it bc he was far away and it was ok. He was so far away always and that gave me the chance to create the 'perfect' comfort zone. I didnt know him, he was never here.. i will just pick out parts i need and use them to stay alive.

Its not something good, but i feel like everyone does this stuff with their bias. Some more than others. I did it too much and that shows how weak and hurt my soul is. Instead of working on my problems properly i just fled into the comfort of jjongs existence, one that was so very similar to my mothers, my mother who i have lost in november 2014. winter... buried in december. Winter. The season where I lost the most important person in my life not only once, but twice now.

Jjong was like a mother to me. I cant describe my feelings for him in another way. He protected me from so much evil within myself while i wanted to protect him too at all costs and it feels HORRIBLE to have failed yet another time. It hurts so fucking much that i lost him too. He who was the biggest reason for me not to kill myself after my mom died. He who was the reason why i started eating again after developing an eating disorder. He who caused so much good in my life. He who in some way managed to manipulate me in the best possible way.

In the end it was all me, i know that, but its still the bond i had to jjong. A sick and sad one and the worst part is that i felt ready to let go slowly at the end of last year. I started realizing that i coudlnt be thinking about him all the time anymore. I want to start going to school again after 4 years of nothing but therapy. I would HAVE to let go and create a more healthy relationship. I was so ready. And then he took his own life..

He stole the opportunity from me to change. He left me here. He left me and all my problems still attached to him behind. Hes not here anymore and although i never saw him or heard or felt him in real life it makes such a huge difference to me and at the same time it doesnt. That is one of the most confusing and depressing feelings ive ever felt.

I wanted to see him in 2018.. i had many chances to see him but never one to go with me. I finally had someone to go with... and now im here.. with that opportunity gone. My biggest wish my biggest dream, the ONE thing that kept me alive for so long. Gone... all ive ever wanted was to see him live. And now.. yeah.

Those are all selfish reasons. I know that. If you even read this then no its not all i feel, but of course my feelings towards him are most important to me, its the only feelings i can work on and the only ones i truly feel. My healthy grief is there too. A distanced version of what i personally feel and no other could. But thats not truly what this post is about. Please dont judge.

So now im here and i dont know what to do.

Death has been the worst and most intense trigger in my life forever. I started being so afraid of death as a child that i could not sleep anymore bc i thought i would die. It was a horrible time, therapy followed, fear left for a few years and came back as strong as ever. Its here too now. My fear. Another reason why i am alive now, yet its not strong enough to truly shut my self destructive thoughts up. Ive noticed that around the time of jjongs burial. I was ... so ready to leave. I still feel sympathy and empathy for myself there. Bc my pain is so big. Its truly so immense but no one truly knows or cares much. Maybe my therapist, but i doubt it.

Well im now always thinking about death and jjong being dead and ive said before that these thoughts are really killing me inside. Idk where he is, how he is, how he feels, does he feel? Whats up with him... what happens??? Its so scary. I find zero comfort in the thought of him resting bc where is he? Is he resting? Does he know? Where is the man i love so freaking much? Where is my mom? Is she with him? Are they lonely?

Ive always said

When its about death, i envy religious people. They have something to hold onto. I have nothing but the unknown in my head. Another one of my biggest fears and my loved ones are stuck in there. In the unknown. And im not there and i couldnt say goodbye to either of them.

Im so bitter i envy everyone whose bias is still there and im always thinking why him. Why HIM why another person of My life why someone i love so much why when i was feeling so much better thanks to him why did he have to suffer. Will i lose everyone?

Im afraid to sleep still bc im scared to wake up to news of another loved one gone. The fears and memories, theyre everywhere. I cant escape and i hate it and dont know how to process.

The most important form of jjong to me was and still is the fictional one, although jjong as a distant human being will always be more fictional to me than real. The fictional version which i have created for my own reasons, its still there just like always, its still cheering me up, its sweet its cute and lovely, but still hard to work with bc i always end up thinking about the real jjong.

Now after seeing the pictures of his grave i rather see that image than him as a person. I welcome that. Im glad i saw the pics bc its all more real to me now, im glad i saw the burial video.. although i never wanted it to be filmed or real in the first place. I dont think i would be still as sane as i am atm if i didn’t see this stuff.

I know that im doing quite good.. i should be proud of myself i guess.. but my pain is overshadowing everything else to the point where im completely at loss of every emotion just thinking about jjong not being here anymore.

Knowledge about his passing, own experiences and the whole process, everything. It haunts me.

Its quite a long way to go i think. I always felt so close to him, we were so similar and although he had many flaws i didnt quite like, especially as i was getting more healthy and he was still stuck, i still loved him so much and accepted that. He was getting so much better from and outside point of view and maybe that was the reason why he finally found strength to leave and its such a sad thing to think about, but i cant really change a thing anymore.

Sadly. Yeah ..

At the end of this i just want to say. Please just care, be there and if a depressed person in your life gets better please pay special attention bc it might be their chance to end it all. I dont want people to die bc of that dumb fucking illness anymore and i know its not possible to prevent it completely but well..

Im tired and theres still so much more to say for me but i cant say much more now. My head hurts and i need to get up and do something in order to forget about all of this for a while.

Please stay strong, please dont give up. I promise you one day it will get better, never fully ok, but better.

Im trying my best to find joy in jjong and shinee again, i doubt that i will, but im trying. I wont leave the fandom now, but im not the same anymore. Listening to shinees or jjongs music is impossible, watching videos too. If you feel the same its fine. Just do whats right for you. Im just here feeling happy for the others and hoping that theyre feeling better slooowly each day a little. Just like i hope it to be for everyone else.

If you came till here. Thanks for caring. Please take care of yourself, you are very loved. Life is hard, but not impossible.

Stay strong.

#personal #longpost #negative #tw:suicide #tw:death

[timmay103]

Once upon a time a man came across a women drowning waving her hand to grab his attention. The man rushed over and let his hand become a life saver. See the girl had just been dumped through text with no closure and was now left to be ignored forever by her ex. The man pulled her out form the water to allow her to breath again. They became the best of friends then a couple then just two people who had a nasty break up. No closure was found with both sides feeling wronged by the other, each playing the victim card. See the women felt wronged by the man for he wasn't a very good boyfriend not capable of hanging out much or providing the societal norms of a relationships, you know going to dinner, be by their side every waking minute of the day. And during the break up his anger towards her led to her resenting him which led to her feeling even more so the victim. But as in any tale there is a heads, two sides to this story. The man deservedly felt wronged as well. Felt used and lied too. Every break up is caused by not one but two people who are both equally at fault and a victim.

Just a week before the break up the women initiated  sex with the man and told him she would see him in a week, she could not wait until then. But the next week leading up to date night the women was distant, even ignoring him one whole day. Date night came and she blew him off. The man felt his heart break he knew what was coming. He awoke the next morning to a dear john text. His girl was no longer his girl going into details on how they been done for awhile and she met someone new who was now her boyfriend. The man didn't know what was happening. Done for awhile now? We just had sex last week initiated by you with you going even further saying you couldn't wait to see my cum on our date night. Bringing this up to her the girl replied that what he said didn't happen. The man was lost, she is saying he was in a different reality then hers. He was being kicked out of her world sure he got that from when she said she had a new bf but to say things he known happened didn't happen? Everything was now hazy. Did she ever really care? Did this night happen or this night? Was I really her best friend?

Time passed as happens in all stories. Mostly all that was missed was the usual I'm the victim no I'm the victim, wasted breath arguments that happened in most break ups. The man letting his anger allow his inner child to throw a temper tantrum and even her anger allowed her to call him a lil bitch for being sad. The man accusing the women of cheating or setting it up and the women saying she only chose this new guy because the man personalities traits and if he would of done this or that more she would of chose him. Neither wanted to admit fault both wanted to be the victim because that's the easy part.

The relationship was over, the arguments over. The girl had nothing she wanted to say to the man she moved on and was all about new wanting to forget the past. The girl left the man the same way she asked him to never leave her through text, no one last meeting for closure and ignoring him completely. In essence she left him the same way he had found her. Drowning. Even worse than not lending a hand to someone in a familiar situation she knows too well she grabbed a bucket and dumped water on him. Doubling down on herself being the victim she told anyone that he was crazy, obsessed, harassing and upset with her for having a new boyfriend. Even going as far as telling the cops. But the man was not upset with her for having a new boyfriend. He was actually happy for her. Deep down he understands what it was she just left because someone made her happier than him. The man only texted her still for them to not hate each other. The way she ended things the way he ended things was toxic not the way your suppose to leave your past. It would eat at the man the way his anger got the best of him he apologized for the times it got the best of him but it was never enough but not once did he try to be with her no he knew it was for the best not to be together. Someone who really loves you doesn't notice anyone else she noticed someone else and chose that someone. He just wanted peace and to maybe have his friend still. Honestly just reaching for a hand that once was a part of a life saver.

It was never found though but rest assured on the most difficult nights the man was able to find one it just didn't hold his hand but it would allow him to grab for it. The liquid would numb him to the feelings that would take over while sober.

One day the former couple ran into each other. The man by himself and the girl with the new guy. The girl actually tried saying hi to her former bf and bff. Even the girls new guy said hi. Neither were trying to be mean spirited but mostly just trying to avoid the hate. Well the new guy was, the girl was seeing the real victim and didn't want to acknowledge the hate or her faults still. The man ignored them. What was he supposed to do say hi to the person that went to the cops on him for harrassing? " Why would you say hi now? is it because you see the hurt you caused that you never apologised for the person you lied about.  It's too late, I tried to be your friend and you told everybody I was crazy, obsessed with you and that I wanted to be with you and wasn't happy for you.. You hate me and want me dead treated me as if I was every time you ignored my messages treating me as if I wasn't worthy of a response". The man thought these things but didn't say them, just walking past them he walked out the door and waited for his ride. As the new couple walked past the man saw his past crying and being comforted by the new guy asking her if she was ok. “What how does she get to be the one to act sad here, she chose this, us not being together and hating each other? She's the one that left, not me. She is the one who thought I used her but yet she left me and then when sex was off the table never talked to me again” The man thought these things but again did not say as everyone does we all think of ourselves as the victims.

The man's heart shattered again re broke after it was on the mend. Either she's not ok and he has to be sad for not saying hi to someone who never apologised to him then went as far as choosing hate over peace but apparently does somewhat care for him. Or she is fine and is completely ok with the hate that now lives where love once did. But that was the world now shitty as it was and it was shitty. Worst he had to know that love never even really was there because love couldn't choose hate. Love wouldn't leave you drowning then lie about lending a hand.

The man went home ready for everything to be over just staring at the wall wondering why he wasn't worth anything, how was she the victim when she wasn't sad and left me, why does he have to hate and be hated. The tide was coming in and he honestly wasn't sure he would make it this time when he heard a ping. Figured it was just a buddy wanting to talk about sports but when he checked it was a hand. Not from the girl no she was in the past and the hate would live on forever he knew that now. Didn't even get his hopes up that it would be from her. That's why he was afraid of this incoming tide he knew the hand that was once a part of his life saver was gone for good but it was a new life saver. A message from a friend from the past with a random joke and a message of how have you been. The water took a dip and he was able to gasp. Somebody cared.

The end

When relationships end without closure hatred is what's left bc both sides don't see it from the other pov. Only wanting to get to be the victim and think I made no mistakes just in case they don't find love with their new partner, don't want to live with any regrets. But every relationship both people are to be blamed but both people are the victim as well. That's what closure allows for both to look in the others eyes see the hurt caused and make amends.

The man said nasty things during the break up which would lead anyone to feeling some anger and def a victim of immature arguments. During the relationship the man wasn't available as much as most boyfriends, once a week was the usual amount of one on one time in person she would receive from him. Sometimes even once every two weeks. For the man this was fine because he talked to her all day every day on the phone and while not seeing her in person both snapped each other all day as well and for intimacy sexting usually happened once a week as well. So the man never saw no fault in how his time was spent she was his whole world, he knew that, she did not. But for the women it hurt, the man was hurting her. She needed and wanted someone to spend every moment with in person not just through words on a screen. See the man was a asshole and she was a victim.

The women left the man the same way she asked to not be left. She knew exactly how much pain that causes but still chose to do it but not only that she threw more water on him by saying she didn't choose him bc of his faults instead of just that she liked someone more. Even twisting reality to allow herself to seem like the victim. Her ending things that way in a way killed the man. Thoughts of not being alive when someone won't speak to you or that your not worth love bc someone says your not instead of hey I like someone more.The man questioned everything after her telling him things didn't happened that he knew did, it was a trick she played to allow herself to be the victim, one many people play. But the women didn't know what she was doing was wrong. She just didn't want to be hated. The women was a asshole and the man was a victim.

When you break up with someone have closure with them it's important to make peace with your past. Also be someone lifesaver you never know who could use one so message friends frequently. Just checking on them and maybe trying to get them to crack a smile.

#breakups #closure #i im sorry #rmoving on #break up story

[namjoonfmd]

                 the things that still haunt me / / self para.

the first half taking place in april 2013, when he takes a look at his phone to see things about what happened when he was six years old had been revealed on the internet + a picture of a his parents’ grave. he caused him to have a breakdown in the middle of the waiting room. then, to present day, namjoon finally visits his parents’ grave now that he has time and feels like now is the time because he misses going and feels bad for not. 

possible trigger warnings: mentions of death, visiting a grave, and mentions of car crash.  word count: 1,475

april 2013

decipher was currently in their first week of promoting “why so serious?” everything was great, as it would be. they had just gotten off stage, on their way to their waiting room. there was smiles from him, before his lips touched the rim of the water bottle that he was handed, taking a long sip from it. he placed the top back on the bottle, before he’s off to the waiting room. everyone he passed by, he said hello, before bowing to them as well, as he usually did. before he went into the waiting room, sitting down upon the couch, someways away from the other members whom were doing whatever it was that they were doing. his manager sat close by, doing whatever it was that he was doing.

he got himself comfortable where he was, taking his phone out. he played a game for a little while, trying his best to beat his high score on said game. truly, he was just enjoying himself, relaxing, as he awaited for the next groups to perform and for the end of the show to come. he decided to venture off onto social media, but as soon as he saw an article; his entire heart seemed to sink down into his stomach. then his stomach had suddenly done a flip and soon, his fingers clicked upon the article; rather cautiously at that.  

he started reading the words, his hands started to shake as his mind processed the words. maybe this would be okay.. it was just something that was apart of him, but he still doesn’t understand how something like this had gotten out. who told them? because simply, it was something that he never mentioned because it was something that made him emotional. and before he knew it, even though there was tears building up in his eyes, his eyes see the picture that’s there.. the picture that was his parents’ grave. before he knew it, he’s sobbing and panicking. which had caused his manager to work quickly in comforting him. though, he got him up quickly and took him elsewhere. 

he felt slightly embarrassed as he quickly went by other people, being pulled by his manager. he wasn’t sure where exactly he was being taken, but it was probably somewhere where they could be alone and be told what exactly is going on. so, he just went along with it as he was obviously sobbing; but it seemed no one else had questioned. though soon, he was somewhere and no one was around, except for his manager. “what’s going on?” he was suddenly questioned, he couldn’t speak, except for handing over his phone. the manager very reluctantly looked upon the phone, before very much understanding what was going on - since his manager was one of the people that actually knew. 

without hesitation, namjoon was sent home, and his absence would be explained later on when the time would come. though, he already knew the next morning, he would be forced to speak to kim byungchul about what happened and the next step. but nonetheless, he missed the rest of the schedule for the day, and just rest. it was something that he didn’t want to do, but it was very obvious that he literally couldn’t function. he just slept for the entire day and the next day, he met with kim byungchul. it was very awkward, to say the least, but the meeting ended up a note where it was decided he would take time off for as long as he needed. even though namjoon did not, bc and other staff had decided it would be for the best.

“dear amigos, 

due to events that occurred backstage yesterday, it has been decided that decipher member, namjoon, will be off schedule for a while. please during this time, respect namjoon’s privacy and wish him well. he will be back very soon, so please do not worry. thank you for understanding.  - bc entertainment.”

for three weeks, he did nothing but sulk. he laid in bed, never leaving, except for eating and going to the bathroom. he basically hid himself away for the next three weeks, not wanting to see anyone. though, he had let some people into the room to see, but there wasn’t very many. he needed this time to reflect, this time to hope for the best. he needed to take care of himself, even though he had barely done that. but soon, he got better. 

namjoon joined the rest of decipher once again for the final week of “why so serious?” promotions. he could remember the screams that occurred when they performed, because decipher was whole once again. 

august 2017

it had been such a long while since namjoon had gone back to incheon to visit the grave of his parents. to be honest, it was pretty scared to actually go back. he wasn’t sure if anyone had done anything to grave, possibly, but he was also terrified that people were actually going to be there, looking at where his parents rested. to say the least, his heart was beating a bit faster at the thought, but it was going to be okay. he missed going and he felt incredibly guilty that he hadn’t. 

he was off with his manager. they drove to the train station, where they would soon get on the train in a more isolated spot, just so no one take any pictures if they noticed it was namjoon. but nonetheless, he stuck his earphones in, staring out the window for the forty minute train ride. he assumed that his manager was just doing some of work. namjoon just got himself lost in the music, eyes closed, as they moved along the track. 

time had seem to flown by because before he knew it, his manager was tapping him on the shoulder, telling him their stop was there. he took his headphones out, getting up, and exiting the train. the two moved upon their way, doing their best to not actually get spotted as they walked around. before off to where his parents were buried, namjoon made a stop in a flower shop. he bought two bouquets of flowers, ones that were his parents favorite flowers. the florist made a comment about which ever girl he was dating was rather lucky; he just gave a grin, not wanting to give the actual reasoning for the two bouquets. 

they made their way to the graveyard and namjoon could already feel the butterflies in his stomach. it was more so just because he was nervous about people actually being there, even though it had been a while and no one probably remembers the picture of the gravestone on the website that shall not be named. but nonetheless, he made his way there and his manager decided to wait outside the graveyard, just to give namjoon his privacy. he was thankful for it, otherwise he’d be a bit embarrassed once the tears would honestly end up happening. 

he spent time there, placing the flowers down upon their resting spot. he knelt down there, his eyes looking upon the gravestones. his hand went to run over their names, before his hand sat upon the photo of his parents and himself, his heart sinking a bit. he suffered with missing them every single day, even though he had only known them for so many years. but, they were his parents, the people that were supposed to take care of him and loved him. they did, they loved him so much, but the chance to watch him grow was ripped away that one day when they were on their way to the beach together with sa-rang.  it changed his life for the worst and he couldn’t help but to shed tears thinking about it. 

he talked privately to the grave for a long while, he probably almost looked like a crazy person. there was just something comforting about talking to the (maybe even a bit weird to treat it like they were alive.) but, he was able to just talk on and on, as well as just say what he wanted without feeling judged for at least a little while. he cried a good amount, but that was just something that would happen. once he was finished and decided it was time to get something to eat with his manage and head back to seoul, he whispered softly. “i miss the both of you so bad.. i love you both,” he said, running his eyes with the back of his hands. before he pressed a kiss on his hand, taking their names one last time, “i promise i’ll visit more, i’m sorry,” he says, before he gets up to his feet completely. he takes one last look again, before walking away to make his way back.

#i hope this is okay ?? but if not let me know !! #i wasn't sure if it's something that is major?? considering it happened in the past?? idkafkjnnk #✕. inside the little universe that rests within your head | self paras.

[phoxnixrising]

All of the upsetting and twisted reaction asks bc why not lmao

//lmaoooo we’re gonna be here a while

@team-caeruleum HAVE FUN READING LMAO

~ How would your muse behave if they are at their angriest? Would they lash out and hurt someone?

If Phoenix were to get angry, he would definitely scream and yell until he was tired, and he could potentially hurt someone if he said something harmful.

~ What is the most extreme thing your muse would do for someone they love?

He would die for them, of course.

~ Your muse now has the ability to bring a deceased loved one back to life perfectly (no decay or anything, just as they last saw them). The catch is, their loved one would have no memory of your muse at all. Would they do it anyway?

He would do in a heartbeat. He’ll be sad of course, but they will be able to make new memories together.

~ Your muse opens their door one rainy night to find a child (of their same species) standing outside and soaking wet. They say they have no family and are lost, would your muse take them in as their own?

Oh hell yeah. He wouldn’t turn down a little kid, even if they were to try and kill him...

~ What is the saddest state your muse has ever been in? Describe them in their most depressing, loneliest state. How do they behave?

Phoenix would purposely isolate himself. He would constantly tell himself that he’s not good enough or not strong enough. He wouldn’t even talk to anyone.

~ What subject tends to make your muse go into a “soul searchy” state?

I don’t know... Stuff about death maybe. And forgiveness.

~ What is your muse’s personal hell like? Is there anyone or anything there to terrorize them?

Basically anything that reminds him of his parents’ deaths, or even the fact that he wasn’t at home when it happened.

~ Describe your muse’s top 3 worst nightmares they have ever dreamed up.

The top spot goes to the recurring dream of him seeing his parents die at the hands of Grimm.

A few times he dreamt that he was consumed by his own flames.

There were also a few times he dreamt about fighting the bandits that destroyed his home and losing to them.

~ Describe your muse’s top 3 nightmares in real life.

Finding out from his teacher that his parents were dead.

Finding his home burned down to mere ashes.

Finding no remains of his parents.

~ What is the worst situation your muse has ever been in?

He was once on his own when he ran into a group of bandits. He was outnumbered and outgunned - he truly thought that he reached the end of the line of his life. If other Huntsmen hadn’t come in to rescue him, he would have been dead for sure.

~ Describe a moment in your muse’s life when they have been seriously injured or sick. How close could they have been to dying?

While at Haven, Team PHIR was on a mission when they were attacked by Grimm and Phoenix became injured in the fight. He received numerous scratches and was stabbed in the chest with a needle, just barely missing his vital organs. Of course with all the blood he lost, he was very close to death. He would have been if there hadn’t been a village with a healer nearby at the time.

~ Are there any sights or images that make your muse feel sad or lonely?

Seeing couples with their children, or seeing his classmates with their parents.

~ Describe a time when your muse was completely alone. How did they handle it?

He walked into his new home for the first time, and that was when it hit him - Team PHIR was no more. For the first time in four years, Phoenix was on his own with no teammates to turn to. Normally, he wouldn’t mind the silence every once in a while. But the more he thought about it, the more he dreaded it. Just how long could he handle not being near his friends? The idea made him shiver slightly - he quickly discarded the thought as he plopped down onto the couch.

“Maybe this won’t be so bad after all...”

~ If your muse could make one perfect wish, what would they wish for?

He would wish to go back in time so that he can properly say goodbye to his parents.

~ When was the last time your muse found themselves crying alone, with no one to support them?

He was curled up in the corner of his room, his arms wrapped around his knees and pulled up to his chest. He stared at the picture at his feet for a moment - once a happy memory of Team PHIR, but now only a reminder of his mistakes. He buried his head in his knees and began to sob, his entire body shaking, his soft cries echoing in the empty room.

~ Your muse has to sacrifice something or someone precious to save the world. What would their sacrifice end up being? A cherished memory or memento? Or something greater than that…?

He would be willing to sacrifice anything necessary, including his life, as long as it didn’t involve his loved ones.

~ What is an activity your muse will do to clear their head?

He would often train, or go hunting for Grimm.

~ Have your muse describe the worst physical pain they have been in.

“My insides felt as though they were on fire... Needles jutted out of my body in various directions like a porcupine. I was surprised that I was still alive, although I wished in that moment...I was dead.”

~ Have your muse describe the worst emotional pain they have been in.

“It was...dark. Like a tunnel with no light end. Like a storm that never cleared. Like a flame that refused to be quelled. There was...no way out. Every part of my body ached even though I was physically sound. I just...wanted to disappear.”

~ The five stages of grief are denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. Describe your muse in each stage after losing a loved one.

“No... You’re lying. They can’t be...” Phoenix shook his head as he turned away from his teacher. “Don’t tell me my parents are dead.” But as he turned back to his teacher, he knew in his gut that it was the truth. “Take me to them. I won’t believe it until I see them with my own eyes.”

~

Sure enough, it was true. His parents were gone, and his home had been destroyed. Phoenix could feel his body shaking from the rage that was building up inside him. His legs couldn’t support him, so he fell to his knees, his hands clutching at the charred earth. “Damn them... Damn them all to hell! I swear, I will make them pay for what they did...”

~

Without thinking or waiting for his teammates, he charged straight into the back of Beowolves, letting out a fierce battle cry as he sliced through each one. “Bring them back! Bring them back dammit!” His parents’ deaths were still fresh in his mind, and he would give anything just to see them one last time.

~

He isolated himself, curled up by the window as he stared out into the bleak world below. His grades were suffering, but he didn’t bother to study. He was starving - he lost a bit of weight, but he refused to eat anything his teammates brought back from the cafeteria. He could barely concentrate in class, but he was afraid to go to sleep, making dark circles form under his eyes. He looked more like a ghost than a human being - he made no move and made no sound. He simply kept his eyes on the window, watching as the rain began to fall.

~

He glanced up at the sky, just realizing that it had been a while since he was able to simply look at it and appreciate the beauty of the reds and pinks and oranges that colored the world above. He was alone, yet he was content. A small formed on his lips as a thought crossed his mind. He then continued on, walking into the field where his home once stood. The earth was still healing, but all traces of the attack had disappeared. The grass was lush and still growing - it gave Phoenix a sense of warmth rather than dread.

He knelt down in an empty patch and gently placed some flowers on the ground - lilies, because they were his mother’s favorites. He sat tall, closed his eyes, and breathed a sigh, feeling the warm breeze hit his face and flutter his dark hair.

“It’s time for me to move on... I still miss you every day.” He opened his eyes and looked up at the sky once more. “Good bye, mother. Good bye, father. I love you - I always will.”

~ What is one thing your muse deeply regrets doing?

He deeply regrets disbanding his team when he needed them most.

~ If your muse found out they were dying in 42 hours, who would they visit and spend time with? Would they try to do anything on their bucket list or spend the last few moments of their life surrounded by loved ones?

He would definitely spend time with his loved ones as well as make amends with his teammates and former rivals.

~ What is something noble your muse has done that they never got credit or recognition for?

During the attack on Beacon, Phoenix and his team had assisted in the evacuation of civilians. While some of his teammates wanted to join the fight, he refused to let them go.

“We’re not here to make history or to show our strength. This isn’t our battle to fight. These people need help - see to the weak and the injured. Help them in any way you can.”

~ What is the meanest thing anyone has ever done to/said to/called your muse?

There were times when he would be called worthless, a lowlife, a scumbag, all because he was simply a Huntsman. He even had a bottle smashed over his head - if it hadn’t been for his aura, he would probably be dead.

~ Are there any holidays your muse cannot celebrate properly without feeling upset or lonely?

Uhh... Birthdays, Christmas, New Years... Basically any family-oriented holiday.

~ Your muse has “gone savage” for an hour and has injured everyone around them in some way as a result. How bad would they feel after snapping out of it?

He would feel horrible. Depending on how close he is to the people he injured, he would most likely distance himself for a while.

~ Your muse is on their deathbed. They start seeing loved ones who have passed on in their life. Who is there to guide them to heaven as they die?

Most likely his mother and father.

#wow this got long lmaooooo #;about phoenix #/death mention #team-caeruleum #answered

[lethargicdeceiver]

i need to vent.

i don’t know what to do. i feel like i won’t be able to take this much lonfer.

it’s been going on for a year now, and i’m just not strong enough.

i’m feeling worse and worse everyday, it’s been almost a year since i last cut but i feel like i may relapse at any moment.

it’s horrible to think how much time has passed, but three years ago, my mental health issues started to manifest itself. abour three years ago, i lived through the worst summer in my life, a horrible period of time when i was literally drowning in selfloathing and textbook depression, and it was also the time i guess i started to slowly realize that my parents are emotionally abusing me. i overcame it, locked it in, and lived through another year hating myself only casually, mostly just surviving, until a year after the first time, it all started to come back, i started selfharming and i also started seeking professional help. but at that time, at least i had so many people around me that loved me, cared about me and were always there to help me.

there were a lot of ups and downs, but the ups were so worth it, and even though i was literally a mess, especially during summer because i wasn’t on antidepressants yet, i had times when i could be genuienly happy. i decided to make this summer way, way better, i met friends, went to conventions, did stuff i loved and tried my best. when i felt like shit and wanted to die, which was often, i had people i could go to. i felt loved. i felt like i belonged.

i went through it all, it started to get better, and i was so happy. i could see it getting better, and even though it was kinda scary and unknown, because i forgot what good were, in the long run, it made me feel so good, and i could push through life and all of it’s hardships, all of the challenges it plus my mental illness put in front of me.

but at this time last year, it all started slowly going to shit again.

yeah, i graduated higschool with mostly no problems. i also lost a lot of friends thanks to it. it’s just not the same when you don’t see each other in the school halls every single day... and especially since i went to another city.

i mean, i really was thinking about staying at home for at least one next year, but i desperately wanted to get away from my parents, and for that, i am super glad i did, because even if they don’t change, at least i don’t need to listen to their bullshit everyday. only on the weekends and holidays.

but with that i also lost the people around.

even if we try to stay in touch, it’s just not the same. there’s a distance. with everyone.

there’s even distance with people i even thought i would get closer to thanks to the circumstances.

and it’s growing, between me and every single person i know, the gap is getting larger and larger.

i grew apart with everyone to the point that i myself can’t believe it.

and i don’t know why it happened, it may have been my fault, it may have been their, it may have happened naturally.

but it’s change. and i hate changes with burning passion.

personally, i never wanted to find new friend in college, and to be completely honest, i still don’t really want to: i would just like for the old ones to come back to the same kind of relationship we used to have. is that too much to ask?

but i didn’t even really find friend in college either, because i am unable to socialize properly. it started okay, then it went to shit, then it seemed okay for a minute too, but now it’s just... i don’t know. lots of people i thought i was gonna become friends with ended their studies, which is also a huge bummer. and generally, the socialization has never been going well, and is never going to go well, now i know, but still, it sucks so much.

so i’m alone, i have a roommate that literally doesn’t talk to me more than “hi” and “bye” (which is funny bcs in czech we even use the same word to greet and say goodbye, so it’s like literally one word we speak, it’s fucking unbeliavable) and at this point, almost no friend, and the few i have left... it’s not enough, it’s not what i would like, and mostly, it’s not what it used to be, and that hurts the most.

i feel extremely disconnected and both alone and lonely.

i don’t feel like there’s any point in living.

i regret everything.

i’m going to be twenty. and i accomplished nothing.

i have stories i want to write, games i want to make, song i want to cover, books i want to read, anime i want to watch, languages i want to read.

and yet, i am doing literally nothing. i feel like i’m just wasting every second of my goddamn life.

i’m getting older, time’s not going backwards, and i am missing opportunities with every second, and i will never even be able to accomplish anything.

i don’t know what i want from life. i always take up some hobby or so, but i always give up. i never finish anything. i don’t have motivation, and i get discouraged super easily. and yet, i would love to do great thing...

but i can’t even handle the fucking school. one, it’s very hard for me as a person. second, it’s very hard for me thanks to my mental illness. thirds, i’m fucking stupid and lazy and procrastinate and keep putting stuff off and then i just sit and cry while still not getting anything done. i don’t even know if they’re going to let me pass this semester, and to be honest, probably not, because it’s miracle that i got through the first one... but i’m not really sure what will i do if that happens.

i’ve watched my life crumble in my hand twice already, when i literally hi my rock bottom. but beside that, i have written a suicide note, i have hurt myself, i went through a lot of despair, i doubled my medication so i could just fall asleep and not think about stuff, i lost a lot of people, i withstood shitton of abuse from my parents, bullying in every school i went to. when i came to college, i had a hard time with taking in how everyone just accepted me as a normal person, as someone equal and not lower or vastly different, because that’s what i’ve been tought to be from all the people around my age.

even though it still all sounds kinda fake to me, i’ve gone through a lot. these two times i consider me hitting my rock bottom, i survived and pushed through, and stuff got better over time.

but that happened already twice, and now, it is supposed to happen for the third time?

i’m feeling worse and worse. it’s not really.. urgent, it’s  more like i’m slowly losing my will to live.

i am very good at pretending that i am ok to my family and at school, and somehow even with friends, if i talk to anyone, i guess.

when i get the opportunity i drink myself to the oblivion, and i have been eating like a pig lately. i had a period of time when i got kinda addicted to cigarettes, but it passed and i don’t think will come back because the wonderful eu stopped making other flavors then mint, and i got too used to the sweetness and mildness of the blueberry ones that even the mints make me want to puke now.

but i shouldn’t drink because i take permanent medication, and also because i am starting a diet in a few days, so i also shouldn’t eat a lot, and not the comfort food. and now i don’t even have cigarettes, so how the fuck am i supposed to cope then? you are taking all the joy from my life away, i will have to result to cutting again to at least somehow release all the emotions.

i’m tired, everything pisses me off, and i split left and right, hating everyone, hating life, for not being the way i want, hating myself afterwards.

it’s all just piling up, i’m anxious a lot, but i am starting to get more and more lethargic to everything, and feel more and more dead inside. and i don’t know what to do. i have no idea, i’m lost, no clue what step should i take.

i don’t know if i find all this bullshit worth it.

i lived through the ultimate shit twice already, but the third time? i don’t want to. i’m not strong enough. i’m tired. i can’t handle it again. i won’t be able to survive this, if this continues, and oh if a miracle that i’m waiting for won’t happen, it will continue, because it’s been going on for a fucking year with literally no sign of getting even slightly better.

the moments of happiness are short lived, and getting shorter and shorter, and the cons of being alive are slowly outweighting the pros. it’s not worth going through all of this again, just to see everything fall into pieces and go into shit.

i don’t want to go through it again. i want to end this vicious cycle.

but i don’t know, i guess i’m even lowkey suicidal at this point. i’m mostly just wishing i would get hit by a car or something, rather and actively thinking of ways to kill myself. not saying that doesn’t happen too.

i just want everything to end.

because nothing is perfect and that’s the main problem.

and even though it may seem like i’m trying no blame people or something, it’s not, this is not a guilttrip and i don’t want to call anyone out or any of that bullshit. i’m just saying how the situation is.

tl;dr, from horrible times and complete mess, my life actually started to get better and i was very okay with that, but for the last year it has been only going downhill and i don’t know if i want to go through that cycle again. i may not survive it this time. i don’t know if i want to survive it for this price.

#personal

[phoenixfire-thewizardgoddess]

Interesting message to wake up to:

“ I have a bit of a random question.  I am not trying to be rude or accusing, just genuinely curious.   

 Why are you so vocal about US politics?  I understand what happens over here effects everyone (though largely I think it's because we can't keep our hands to ourselves or shut up), but a lot of the people I follow who aren't american have added tags associated with our politics to their blacklist (can't say I blame them, I'm sick of hearing about it and I live here).  

You are easily one of the most vocal and prolific bloggers on my dash when comes to US politics (Mark Ruffalo outranks you in that regard, unsurprisingly).  You could easily get annoyed and leave it be; you can't vote or influence our government directly beyond assisting awareness.

So I can't help but wonder, why?”

- - - - 

If you have to ask that question, then I do not think you understand the gravity of the situation.

Every country has political concerns, ours is a Prime Minister that keeps lying and keeps money in off-shore bank accounts so he doesn’t have to pay tax on it. Still, a slight step up from budgie-smuggler boy and his incredible feats of racism, misogyny, and onion-eating.

But the US tends to set a benchmark. America had Obama, during a time when the rest of the world was in chaos. Australia’s PM position was reduced to a game of musical chairs, the UK had the whole Brexit thing, human rights were being violated in other countries every second of every day and you don’ want to know what was happening to animals.

Obama, despite the blatantly racist haters, did a lot for that country; a lot that Trunk is now undoing, like a spiteful child that just moved into their cool older sibling’s room and immediately trashing anything that reminds them it was not theirs to begin with. Healthcare, human rights protections, unemployment decreasing, etc. And the man basically took over the presidency while everything was on fire; you know, like that one COMMUNITY gif, where the dude turned up with pizza for a party. 

He, and his family, were always under attack; but he still did his best to protect the citizens of the country. Overturning quite a few fucked up laws, and those are just the ones the rest of the world knew about. I have no doubt he got a few bills across his desk that he laughed at as he set them on fire; or the political equivalent.

-

Fast-forwards to now.

Apart from the fact the US has the weirdest fucking voting system ever, where the person with the most votes can still lose; and no one is legally required to vote, but has to register every election, which means that their votes can be discounted with ‘computing errors’. The country made a mistake.

The hypocrisy of not wanting a Jewish man with heaps of political experience, or a woman with years of political experience, for President... is telling; considering what you elected anyway. I was very loud then, too.  Why? Because it was blatantly obvious to everyone from the outside how dangerous the Repubic-lican candidate(s) were and are. Think of it like standing on the beach, noticing a shark heading towards the surfers; you are calling out, “Look, there’s a fucking shark, move your ass mate!”, and only a few of them decide to swim in. The rest tell you that the shark has the right to be there, and that the shore’s emails are probably more of a problem. 

It was seriously concerning how many people were pro-Repub, pro-trunk. How they could not hear what he was saying; not understand that the rest of the world saw him as one hell of a dangerous practical joke being played on you all. And he was a joke, right up until he was elected and people realised, ‘Well fuck, he’s a problem now that he’s infringing on our white rights?’. 

Which the POC, LGBPTA+, disabled, and other communities could have told you from the start. (Which is why it’s so confusing to see people still at his rallies with ‘Women for Trunk’ and ‘Blacks for Trunk!’ signs... do you not know what he’s doing or are you getting paid?)

And the worst part is that if you remove this man, it’s like a matroyshka doll of bad decisions, trying to replace him. You have the ‘let’s electrocute the gays straight’ Pence, next in line... and he’s the tip of the racist/misogynistic/homophobic conservative iceburg, right? Everyone else after that is equally problematic.

-

He bragged on live tv that he doesn’t pay taxes... like, at what point does your privilege run out?

Average peopl would fail to file taxes one year and lose everything. But not Trunk, oh no.

-

The man in charge of everything, not only has no actual understanding of what he’s doing or basic legislative powers... but he’s a god-damned pedophile, racist, rapist, scam/conartist, and probably a dozen other things we don’t know about because he’s papered over it with money nd fancy lawyers.

His 13yr old victim had to give up prosecuting the injustice done against her, bc people were sending her death threats on his behalf. The man openly says on multiple occasions, he’d like to fuck his daughter (including sexualising his newborn in an interview about her birth, which was downright creepy, and more recently saying that what he has in common with his daughter is ‘Hopefully sex!’). The man bought beauty pageants to perv on the women involved; and has groped people inappropriately, then joked about it on stage.

What he did to his former wives is horrific; and he used gag orders to keep them quiet.

The fact he, not only mocked a disabled reporter so disrespectfully to the sound of Repubic-lican applause... but ALSO bragged he could kill someone in the middle of a public street and get away with it??? to further applause??? That has so many red flags, it’s hard to understand why people still supported him?

The amount of lawsuits against him, for his various scams and cons, was ridiculously high. There are multiple stories (with evidence) of this man taking advantage of businesses and ruining them.

‘A businessman is exactly what america needs!’ THE MAN BANKRUPTED A CASINO. How do you do that? Also, he was given a million dollars and the business to start with; like, he’s pretty much done nothing except open a string of failed side businesses, and fucked them up. 

And he believes ‘hard work will get you places’ ironically.

He doesn’t like poor people, and yet a lot of his constituents make up the demographic of people living near or below minimum wage. He doesn’t believe in universal healthcare; Obamacare/ACA is close enough to our Medicare system, and it keeps us alive. It’s imperative to the functioning of such a large country? but he doesn’t like the idea of it taking money from the government.

Not to mention, the man flat-out stated he would refuse to use existing services (white house, security), meaning that he’d found a loophole wherein he could pay himself millions of dollars a fucking day in order to be President. The security, trunk tower, etc.

And he claims his business has an impartial trust board in place, to make certain he can’t be accused of financial interests contrary to those of the american people... but, whoops, that’s not happening. Not to mention he came right out and was using his presidential platform to bitch about Nordstrom dropping his daughter’s brand. Commercial interest, much?

What did he have on Hillary? Emails. She and her staff used private emails to send a few political memos, some fucking lolcat memes, and more than one altruistic email about rendering aid to someone. And apparently that made her shadier than him??? Since he was elected, the presidonk went out of his way to tweet from his private account, his entire staff (and wasn’t hiring a debacle?) uses private emails to send important messages, and he has a very strong online presence which seems counter-intuitive to retaining some degree of secrecy. (E.g. as seen by the man taking a classified briefing at a dinner party, wherein people had the opportunity to freaking get photos of the secret service members and documents). 

The WALL. He said he was going to build a big wall, and make the people he was keeping out, pay for it. And people felt that was a stroke of genius. ??????????????? 

Claiming he would ‘ban all Muslims’. By which he clearly meant, ‘anyone who is any shade of brown or black, because I don’t know what a Muslim is, but I sure don’t like them’. People during segregation would probably side-eye this man for his odd views; also probs bc he’s perpetually orange.

The russia affair.  Everyone with two brain cells to rub together can see something shady af is happening there. There’s a connection, there were long-standing deals, and suddenly russia hacks election results? Like... it makes total sense. Trunk is like a parody or himself, a big old puppet that any world leader could manipulate with the right words. And what an opportunity, for whomsoever got their words in his ear first.

Not to mention the whole #AlternativeFacts bullshit.  Dude can’t lie well; small children are more plausible. 

‘But her emails’.

-

You ever noticed that almost every single world leader appears physically repulsed when meeting him?  That kind of person you get that, ‘be ready to run or fight at any second’ feeling from? Its on their faces, and yet they have to play nice. 

It was just interesting.

Especially when you add in the look on his current wife’s face whenever he’s not looking directly at her. Fear, or something more complex. 

-

Trunk is infringing on basic human rights. Like Hitler.

He singled out a specific race/ethnic or religious group/minority to target in his campaign speeches. Like Hitler.

He’s calling the media false, and telling people to only listen to him. Like Hitler.

He was a joke to start with. So was Hitler, right before he killed several million people.

-

People are going to die, if they have not already. He doesn’t like free healthcare/the Obamacare system because why should he pay for poor people to keep living?

We’ve established he’s very... racist, homophobic, transphobic, misogynistic, etc. These are known facts. Not #alternativefacts, these can be proven. 

He’s dangerous, like a toddler in a tantrum with their hand on the nuclear launch button. There is no one in his staff to tell him ‘No’, or ‘That’s fucking stupid, try again, you great big orange wanker’. He’s surrounded by yesmen with even more dangerous/radical conservative belief systems. A good leader must have someone who will challenge them on their edicts and ideas; e.g. the way our PM can say, ‘I want unicorns for everyone’, but it has to go through the Parliament, who can then say, ‘Fuck you, how will you fund it you ludicrous bogan bastard?’ and it becomes a conversation-slash-argument. At the moment, the Repubic-licans own the President, and the Senate; which means that bad ideas are just going to become reality and a lot of people are placed in danger.

Just, you know, not anyone Trunk cares about. 

He didn’t even have a staff when he goddamn came into power. Like he didn’t want the win, just the notoriety of running and suddenly he had to do Things and Stuff, with all those icky Responsibilities, he’d been using money to keep away for years. 

And now? He’s chosen a series of terrible people for the most inappropriate positions possible. The Education Minister believes kids should work instead, and has no idea how the education system works at all. The head of security fucked up so bad he had to resign within a fortnight of employment.

He fired the Attorney General for DOING HER JOB.

The CIA don’t want to tell Trunk anything, bc they know he’ll have a long dreamy phonecall with his russian bff.

He’s got a defence minister out there threatening to leave NATO, unless other countries put more effort into a war no one wants.

He’s antagonised hostile countries. 

He actually tried to build the fucking wall.

He literally instigated a Muslim ban, and threw a tantrum when the court said, “Bruh, the fuck? Did you even read the constitution? Or do we need to hire someone to read it to you???”

He’s just done so much shit in under a month, it’s obscene, and there’s u to four years left of this. And people still support it?

-

His fanbase are largely: > rich and relying on his affinity for affluence to keep them safe,   >obscenely conservative, and want him to enforce their ideologies (including removing bodily autonomy from predominantly ciswomen & transmen in relation to pregnancy/birthcontrol/abortion access, etc.) >uneducated people from low socioeconomic backgrounds who believe in the promises he makes about mproving things >neo-n*zi/racists who would love nothing more than to have free reign to remove anyone not ‘white enough’ for their liking (inclu. POC, jews, gay people, etc.) >Misogynists, Rapists, Pedophiles who see him as president and think, ‘If he can get away with it to the point he’s elected head of country... then who is to stop me?’ >And various other problematic groups.

-

Why should people who are not american care?

It does affect us to a certain degree, but the reality is... this is a thing that’s happening right now, to people, and none of them can leave. It’s called empathy, it’s called keeping a spotlight on him, and exposing the shady shit he’s up to. 

Hitler was a joke, until things got real. 

The difference was that social media and the internet didn’t exist. People got their information from specific hitler-approved media (you know, how trunk wants everyone to get news from him and fox alone?), but today... there are hundreds of thousands of eyewitnesses to everything. They can reach out and share it with the rest of the world, who are paying attention. He can’t make shit up without a thousand voices + downcrying it as the falsehood it was. There is global opposition to his nonsense, and it sends a message. 

He’s not getting away with what he wants to do. He can try. But history has its eyes on him; and so does the world. 

-

It is important to be vocal about it, to never let him forget that he can buy people to shout at his rallies, but people around the world and in his country, KNOW the shit he’s up to. Know what he is.

Right down to the second he makes a bad decision, the world will know. Because social media exists, because vigilant people exist and can mobilise. Did you see the Women’s March? That was the power of being loud, being organised, being ready to respond. That’s a good example of why it matters.

As long as people are suffering, someone should be paying attention, drawing attention, and seeking ways to help. In the US, in other countries that have far worse happening; and many do. But for now, the reality is that a world powerhouse has a foolish, dangerous man at the helm; who is making everyone nervous as to what ridiculous thing he will do next. 

-

To answer your question: No, I cannot vote in a US election, but I sure as hell can try to influence the perceptions of those who live there and follow me, provide resources to help them cope when some ridiculous edict he makes stresses them out, and remind the rest of the world what is going on. 

What is happening is not normal, and sometimes you need an external contrast to perceive that. E.g. when you work with clients in DV situations, their perception of ‘normal’ is skewed to mean ‘whatever the abuser has normalised’... rather than what societal perceptions of normality entail. 

What all dictators want is for complete control, taken through manipulation and people having their rebellious thoughts burned out into weary resignation. 

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TL;DR - History is watching us, waiting to see what happens, and every dissenting voice from any corner of the globe adds to the resistance. Especially if their goal is to support and empower the people directly facing the danger on a daily basis.

#long post #response #i didn't want to have to type it in the chat box in sixteen piees