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lionheartslowstart · 4 years

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Snakes and Roses

I’ve been avoiding writing this post for a long time. (I feel like I’ve been saying that a lot recently.) I’m not sure why. I think maybe because writing it will force me to examine myself in ways I’m not totally comfortable with. I guess we’ll find out. To be clear, I’ve been sitting on this post since April 2nd, 2019, when I wrote a post called “Snakes and Lillies,” which was about Severus Snape and his many complexities. Snape is a character I have always loved and defended, and someone I talk about a lot. It was only a matter of time before I dedicated a blog entry to him. But it wasn’t until I reached the final paragraph where I had the realization of something I think I’ve always known deep down. I wrote, “He probably never knew what it meant to truly be happy.” And that’s when it hit me, one of the big reasons I love Snape so much is because...well, he reminds me of me. I see myself in him. I relate to him in ways that I’ve never related to other fictional characters before.

The reason this realization hit me in that specific moment, is because the idea of never knowing what it is to truly be happy is something I have thought about myself, even said about myself, to a select few. It’s why I was able to drum up that line so quickly in my writing - it was already there, in my subconscious.

I don’t like to think about my childhood. To be frank, I don’t like to think about much of my life before 2016-ish. I prefer to live in the fantasy world of my creation, that my entire life has been a fog and I’ve sort of “come to” as a fully formed adult. Obviously, that’s not a realistic way to live life, especially in terms of overcoming trauma and bettering yourself, so it’s something I’ve been tackling in the last year or so. I could write my entire life story here, but a) that would probably be the longest post I’ve ever written (and some of them are already pretty fucking long), and b) I don’t want to. But I will include some background information, so my readers can see the parallels I’ve drawn, and the deep connection I feel with Mr. Severus Snape.

In some ways, my childhood was very different from Snape's. In other ways, my childhood was incredibly similar. I didn’t grow up poor, and for that, I’m extremely thankful. My parents weren’t abusive, to each other or to me, and I’m extremely thankful for that as well. Obviously, these were two very important aspects of Snape’s origin story. But for me, it’s not so much the cause as it is the effect. I developed severe emotional problems at a very young age, five years old. I was suicidal, I had extreme outbursts, I was that “weird kid” (and then later I was that “fat, weird kid”), I was misunderstood, and I didn’t have the maturity or vocabulary to communicate my feelings and issues to those around me. As a result, despite having an otherwise loving home, I became isolated. I was isolated from my family, who didn't know how to help me, and who I often felt ganged up on me. I was isolated from my peers, who saw a sad little loner and decided the best course of action was to bully and ostracize me (because we all know that “different” equals “bad”). I was isolated from my teachers, who only saw me as a “problem child,” and who often blamed me for things that weren’t my fault, and who concluded that my outbursts were the result of behavioral problems as opposed to being in psychic pain. I was so lonely. I had two friends, but even they avoided me at school, as they had their own friends, and I, of course, was not invited to participate in that group. I spent most of my days alone, thinking my thoughts, concentrating on school, using my imagination, and generally giving off “sad boy energy.” As much as I try to ignore what I consider to be some of the most painful years of my life, I can’t deny that I am largely the person I am today because of my childhood. It’s my own origin story.

Obviously, I’m glossing over a lot here, specifically the details of my emotional problems and outbursts, but I’m sure you get the gist. So, this is something Snape and I had in common. We were both bullied and excluded, albeit for different reasons. We both felt alone and misunderstood. We also both tended to be reprimanded for our own actions, often driven by pain, but watched as others who hurt us went completely unpunished, or even unacknowledged. (For example, when Snape dropped the branch on Petunia, he was yelled at by Lily, but Lily didn’t scold Petunia for her disparaging comments against Snape.) Things also changed for both of us in our teenage years. For Snape, it appears to have changed earlier, around 11. For me, it took a little longer, more like 14. But in both cases, we suddenly found ourselves accepted for the first time in our young lives, treated like equals. As a result of this, we both became slightly haughtier, a bit superior, and on occasion, not very nice.

This is where things begin to differ between the young Severus and myself, for a number of reasons. The first is that Snape was a follower, I was the leader. For the record, this wasn’t something I realized until I was an adult, but, indeed, I was the leader of my own little group. I was the one who brought everyone together, I was the one that many people looked up to, had feelings for, or wanted to be near. I wish I had appreciated it more at the time. Snape was more of a pack member, at least initially. It’s not clear who the leader was as he grew older. I’m sure Lucious Malfoy was the leader in the beginning, but he was a fifth year when Snape was a first year, so perhaps by his fourth year, Snape took his place. I’m not sure. However, I doubt it, because he was still mercilessly picked on by the Marauders and other classmates, who probably would have feared or respected him more if he had been the leader of the young Death Eaters. This leads to another difference, which is that Snape fell into a group of people who prided themselves on prejudiced ideations, and were in many ways bullies themselves, though Snape continued to be bullied as well. While I’ve certainly been ignorant, I’ve never espoused bigoted beliefs. I would also assert that I was never a bully per se, but I definitely spoke down to people and probably could have been much less selfish and bitchy than I was.

I mentioned earlier on that I often defend Snape, which is true. I have certainly had Snape-related conflicts with people, some more intense than others. About a year ago, around the time I posted “Snakes and Lillies” actually, I got into a heavy debate with a friend of a friend who maintained that Snape was a bad person who shouldn’t be celebrated in any capacity. No matter what I said, he remained unconvinced, and I walked away from that encounter feeling sour and angry. But why? Because it felt like a personal attack on my character. Everything my acquaintance said about Snape landed like he was saying it about me. I know he didn’t intention it that way, I’m sure he didn't even realize that’s how I was interpreting it. But when people tell me they think Snape is irredeemable, it feels like they’re saying I’M irredeemable.

Our lives may have gone on different paths, but I maintain that Severus Snape and I have the same, or very similar, core. We both grew up with a lot of pain and isolation. We both became embittered because of our respective childhoods, and that bitterness continued to follow us throughout our lives. We both experience a petty and vindictive pleasure when we are able to inflict suffering on those who have hurt us (though I’m sure he and I have very different ideas on who deserves it and who doesn't, as well as what levels of revenge are acceptable). We also both have the capacity for an incredibly deep and never-ending love, though most people never ever get to see it. We both have goodness in us that is often overlooked or minimized by others, who are too eager to see the bad things about us. And above all, as I said in my previous Snape-related post, neither of us has ever experienced a true and fulfilling happiness in our lives.

Of course, there is still hope for me, as I’m only in my mid-twenties, and have been doing a tremendous amount of work on myself, as well as in the interest of improving my life. Unfortunately, Snape did not have that opportunity, as his life was cut short in the midst of his mission. However, he was only in his late-thirties, and, had he been able to live, I like to believe he would have been able to begin the process of healing as well.

I’m finding it difficult to articulate why I feel so close to Severus Snape beyond what I’ve said already. Probably because they are feelings that are difficult for me to access. Snape was incredibly flawed, and so am I. Snape was incredibly broken, and so am I. Snape was, in my opinion, redeemable and overall a good person despite many of his questionable actions, which were largely the result of a miserable life. I feel similarly about myself.

I wonder how Snape’s life would have been different if the Harry Potter series took place today, in a climate where trauma and mental illness are more accepted, normalized, and discussed. Would he have been held accountable for his misdirected anger towards his students? Would he have been able to get the help he needed earlier on? What if he, as an adult, was shown more compassion and love? And I already know that many people might then ask, “What about Lily?” Yes, Lily showed Snape compassion and love. Lily cared deeply for Severus, and he was her best friend throughout her entire childhood. But when we are children, especially children who are in the midst of trauma, we don’t always recognize what love looks or feels like. This is something I relate to as well. There have been times when I was faced with real love, but due to the trauma I was still experiencing or working through, I did not truly see or appreciate it at the time. Sometimes, time needs to pass for us to be able to grow, mature, and make it through the trauma. We need to get to a place where we are able to look back and appreciate what we had, and to be able to heal and fully experience love in the present. Maybe, if someone had given Snape more affection and empathy as an adult, he would have been able to heal.

All I know is I find myself wishing I could reach through the pages of my books, or through my television screen, so I can wrap my arms around him and tell him he’s worthy of love, and there’s still time for him to heal and find happiness. Because, that’s what I’ve always wished people had done for me.

#Harry Potter #potterverse #snape #severus #severus snape #slytherin #hogwarts #personal #reflection

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kuriquinn · 5 years

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Anyone ever noticed how people who leave “constructive, friendly reviews” (that actually are just them pointing out something they personally don’t like) tend to avoid leaving any means of communicating with them to either a) find out ways to fix a mistake or b) respond and clarify why something was written the way it was?

I mean, don’t get me wrong, that’s what I love about posting unfinished stories. I get a beat on what I’m doing right and what I’m doing wrong and some kind of guideline that in the next chapter or the next edit I can fix.

But if someone just leaves a random piece of crit and no username or handle or PM or whatever, I have no way of following it up. And then I have to post it here and hope maybe they’ll see it because I’m not taking up space in the beginning of my next chapter to respond.

So, just to put it out there (and if this person follows me on tumblr or wherever they can PM if they want):

A Mary-Sue is pretty much defined as a character who is flawless and and no one calls on their shit and is usually a self-insert. (The definition covers a lot so if you’re curious check out the Mary-Sue litmus test. It’s very comprehensive)

NTMTO Sakura very clearly has flaws (dependency, making rash and bad judgements, being rather childish and naive at times), she does and will continue to get called on her shit (started with Ino in chapter two and this one, and there will be others later but has to wait since the characters who actually know her and her background to call her on it are all still living in Japan at the mo) and is in no way some idealized version of me, because honestly, I come at things that bug me directly (even more so since my burnout because I do not have the patience for pussyfooting around). Also, being an overachiever is a pain in the ass and stressful as fuck. I would never want to be someone like that because it’s just asking for a mental breakdown and making stupid quick decisions (all of which will be touched on with Sakura later in this fic)

At most the Sakura of NTMTO (a fic that is only in its infant stages right now) could be termed OOC. And even then, she was deliberately written this way to show the contrast between Sasuke’s idealized version of her in his head and the actual person she is. In the same way that she views Sasuke as distant and uncaring toward her when she clearly is ignorant (and a bit dense) about his feelings for her.

These are aspects of the characters that will grow and change and develop over the course of the fic because they are barely eighteen years old and people are not fully formed and mature at eighteen years old. Teenagers decision making abilities and thought processes are wildly different from adults. I’ve watched some pretty assholish behavior on the part of my students while they were firmly in the mindset that they were some kind of martyr. And it happens with even the nicest kids. Girls can be particularly dense about some things when they get into one of their high drama episodes (boys do to but usually in a different way)

If I made it seem like everyone has been blaming Sasuke for the falling out, it’s not my intention. Maybe I didn’t write it properly (keep in mind this is an unedited version of things) but Mikoto and Itachi are not happy with Sakura at the moment. And if she were in front of them they’d make that plain. But they are also not the type of people to make an excuse and go “oh, this is too bad, but don’t worry honey, there’s nothing you can do about it Sasuke because it’s all her fault”. They give him advice about what to do on his end since that’s the only part of it that he can control. You’ll notice that both of them even suggest he might be better off letting Sakura go, which would be the healthier option for Sasuke. As for Mebuki, she just always blames Sasuke. In any fic I write, even the head canon ones. Because she’s ridiculously overprotective of her daughter. That’s not a reflection of everyone shitting on Sasuke, it’s an aspect of her character (to me anyway)

So basically, if you feel like quitting my fic because I’m apparently not doing Sakura’s character justice or putting Sasuke down to make her look better, then that’s your business. Go with the Goddess and all that. But I take pride in my characterizations and plot decisions, and to me, being told I’ve turned a character I worked with for the better part of two years into a Mary-Sue (based on barely 4 chapters) isn’t constructive criticism, it’s short-sightedness and a bit insulting.

It’s the kind of thinking that causes people in the Naruto fandom to hate on Sakura for the way she was as a Genin and refuse to acknowledge all of the character development she went through by the end of the series.

So go ahead. Tell me you dislike how I’ve characterized her in this fic, and that you don’t like the direction I’m taking the story in. Those are valid opinions and I can’t argue with a person’s personal likes and dislikes.

But for goodness sake, don’t throw around the term Mary-Sue so casually, especially when you’re just salty about some OOC moments and plot decisions you don’t like.

(If you want to see a character I consider close to Mary-Sue, honestly I would say my Gal Friday Sakura is pretty much the definition. Four chapters in and she’s practically perfect in every way...though again, it’s only four chapters in. No one knows what I have planned for her in terms of character development. For all you know I could turn that fic into the next My Immortal)

TL;DR: I take offense to having characters called Mary-Sue, especially if it’s unjustified. Use the proper terminology and don’t assume you know the reason an author chooses to write a story the way it’s written until the story is done.

#writer rant #fanfiction problems #drama drama drama #hold my beer #i have to stop reading reviews first thing in the morning

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southposting · 6 years

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‘Doubling Down’ Rant.

I feel like one of the most prominent aspects of this episode was the portrayal of the characters’ psychology, the writing and the dialogue did a great job portraying how people spiral into toxic relationships on the first place, and why it is difficult for them to get away once they've fallen in.

Kyle for one, is portrayed as a caring and moral-ridden individual that although reasonable, lets his emotions get in the way of his course of action. Kyle wanted to intervene because he considered it to be the right thing to do, never once entertaining the idea of an ulterior motive with Heidi until the other girls proposed it to him. While all the other boys aknowledged Cartman’s poor treatment of Heidi, none of them were willing to get themselves involved.

This takes us to Kyle's initiative and how his and Cartman's dynamic plays out throghout the episode. Kyle has consistently been responsible for challenging Cartman’s attitude, positioning himself as ‘good’ and Cartman as 'evil’, this relationship that has ultimately served to feed both Cartman’s enthusiasm to torture him, and Kyle’s sense of selfrighteousness and tendency to see himself as a martyr, victimization is something Kyle has in common with Cartman, but to quote, 'We all wrongly see ourselves as the victim sometimes, but Cartman sees himself as the victim ALL the time’. Kyle differentiates himself in being able to aknowledge his mistakes and learn from them.

To get some insight into Kyle’s remark: 'In a way, I feel like we’re all going out with Cartman right now’ reflecting on how all of them are, at some degree, and specially Kyle, always been involved in a toxic relationship with Cartman’s mind games. Kyle has been, for a long time now, Cartman’s main sympathizer, he can’t help but look out for his personal improvement, often attempting to get him to do the right thing and aknowledge the fault in his ways, a cause that Cartman hasn't hesitated to take advantage of, tricking Kyle into commiting to a mean if he can profit from his support.

In this episode, Kyle appears to have come to the conclussion that Cartman is beyond help, and that neither he nor Heidi can do anything to change that, for the best thing they can do for him is not to feed his sociopathic needs, furthermore demonstrated by their encounter on the hallway, with Kyle continuously trying to reason with him and assure him it was all for his own good, Cartman making deaf ears to his claims, finally leaving Kyle no choice but to knock him out in self defense, who apologizes regretful.

Cartman, on the other side, is miserable with Heidi, but also without her. As I stated on my last post concerning their relationship:

'He can’t bring himself to end the relationship and thus giving Heidi freedom of choice, she’s his property and so Cartman can’t stand the idea of his belongings moving onto other people. Cartman thinks of Heidi as a tool that exists with the only purpose of being at his disposition to give him attention and validation on command, no more and no less.

Simultaneously, Cartman can’t stand Heidi, because she doesn’t Cartman’s idealized image of her. Naturally, Heidi isn’t the tool Cartman expects her to be, she is an human being with her own individual needs. Whereas Cartman seeks a relationship where he is prioritized over all, never giving anything in return, and a partner willing to follow him blindly against all the odds, without him having to worry about losing their support; Heidi looks for a functional, healthy romantic relationship, were all the parties involved contribute their part. Cartman is unwilling to fulfill this role, because doing so would position him as an equal of Heidi’s, which means, to him, degrade him from his high-entity status.’

Nearing the end we realize Cartman has found a way of manipulating Heidi into believing she’s in the relationship she's craved for, and thus avoiding any sign of resistance on her behalf. He has learned that if he wants to manipulate Heidi successfully, he needs to put a little effort on the relationship every now and then, offering her occasional reassurance when things seem grim. This way, Cartman can act selfishly while at the same time 'rewarding’ Heidi for her subservience, throwing away any doubt she might've had in him. He fools her into believing his toxic behaviour is a necessary mean that needs to exist in order to keep improving himself.

Heidi is someone who wishes to aid the needy, she cannot bring herself to refuse someone’s cries for help, which is, besides the ironic effects of peer pressure, the main reason she continues to be stuck with Cartman and allows herself to be manipulated by him. He sees in Cartman someone who takes bad decisions, but is fundamentally kindhearted. Someone who is in need for her guidance. Even when ditching Kyle after being gaslighted by Cartman, her kind nature is a definitive trait of her character. Cartman was persuasive enough to make Heidi compromise with his beliefs, he made sure his words appeared to be reasonable. He told her what she wanted to hear when she was feeling the most guilty, deflecting the blame for the failure of their relationship unto Kyle instead, but reassuring her by telling her he hadn’t been counscious of his actions. He convinced her of attributing her own supposed flaws ('being moody’) to her ethnic background, and this way implying she has no control over ever improving herself, comforting her but making her feel helpess over her situation at the same time, this serves to Cartman as a mechanism to increase her emotional dependence to him, by making her feel he’s the only one who will ever love her despite her imperfections.

Regarding Cartman’s idea of Kyle, I feel like Cartman projects all of his own corruption unto Kyle. He subcounsciously thinks of Kyle as his equal, although he cannot recognize the corruption from within. Kyle’s intentions are never pure in Cartman’s mind, he must always be plotting something against him the same way he himself does to him. To him, Kyle’s purpose in life is to get in Cartman’s way. As the series progressed, we’ve seen Cartman gradually watering down his hostility towards Kyle in latter seasons the more time they spent together, and instead replacing it with an odd sense of familiarity and trust, until this point, Cartman’s friendly demeanor towards Kyle that even manifested itself at one point earlier in the episode, takes a sudden turn the moment Cartman finds out he might have been responsible for his breakup with Heidi. Following this event, we see Cartman’s hatred towards Kyle reach its peak when he goes batshit after his trippy jewish dream sequence, spewing all his resentments against Kyle in spite of the latter’s attempts to excuse himself, Cartman feeling betrayed after letting himself 'fall into Kyle’s claws’ by allowing him the benefit of the doubt previously.

Having stated all this, I think Cartman has taken care of the problems he had with Heidi, and now that the challenge is over, the last scene leads me to believe he has shifted his interest from the pleasure he obtains from having domain over her, to the impact his behaviour towards her has on Kyle instead. He’s using his influence on the people around Kyle to make them into proxys as a mean to inflict pain onto him. Heidi is no longer the tool, his entire relationship with her is now a tool on itself.

It was also interesting to see the conection between B plot and A plot relying on the parallel of the toxic relationship between Cartman, Kyle and Heidi, and that of politicians with their supporters, instead of having each storyline intersecting with the other, though I don’t have a strong stand on the matter, since I’m for the most part ignorant concerning the USA political status.

The weakest point of the episode in my opinion was the introduction of elements that seemingly served no purpose in the narrative, and ultimately aimed for a specific purpose in order to lead the plot in a certain direction. For example, Cartman’s dialogue when making fun of Heidi for gaining weight after tricking her into introducing meat into her vegan diet, indicated he had a goal in mind by doing this, though we never get any insight on what this particular goal may be other than to reassure his dominance over her. Besides this being a dangerous move for Cartman to make just after getting Heidi’s trust back, it seemed like it didn’t serve any purpose other than to incite Kyle into intervening in the relationship. Another example would be Cartman visiting Token’s house, there wasn’t really a point for Cartman to do this besides giving him the chance to make racial remarks some more. Finding out about Kyle being responsible for his breakup with Heidi through Token’s dad seemed too coincidental, though I don’t really mind, even less after being presented with Cartman’s fantastic Kyle delirium sequence.

I really enjoyed the execution of the humor, there were some great jokes, the animation team did an amazing job and overall I think this was a fantastic episode with a rather dark thematic.

#south park #sp #rant no one cares about #kyman #heiman #kydi #doubling down #analysis #rant

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