#and all the pain he caused my mom and me | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

trashlie · 8 months

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You're right it's very possible that Nol had a fight with his mother... I was also moved to a different country as a child, and I remember having a phase where I resented my parents for it because I was promised all these good things, but all I got was homesickness and feeling lost in the new environment. It was probably similar for him, and it would make complete sense if he argued with Nessa about it. And related to what you sad about Nol being angry and bitter and hot-headed... I keep thinking about the dialogue that was like "He sent someone's son to the hospital" or something like that. We know it was not Kousuke, because he seemed physically fine after whatever happened. So it must be someone different then. And... Nol must have gone to school, right? Yes they were illegal immigrants, but surely Rand could have pulled some strings to get his son into a school. If he was homeschooled like Alyssa, we would probably know that, right? So, what if before the incident with Kousuke, Nol got into a fight, maybe even multiple times? Maybe those kids in school teased Nol for something. For looking different, the red hair, the freckles, his foreign name, maybe not speaking the language well. Maybe they were rumors going around about his mother, how she is a mistress, how his father is a skirt chaser, how Nol is an illegitimate child, how they're all bad people. Kids can be cruel and probably used less polite words, if you know what I mean. And Nol was already dealing with everything you mentioned. Maybe those kids pushed it too far and he snapped and lashed out. Similarly to what happened with Shin-Ae, basically. Except Shin-Ae was this small girl, she couldn't do *too* much damage (though the boy she fought looked pretty rough), but Nol was always big and tall for his age, so maybe he underestimated his strength and severely injured someone.

Think of it this way, too: One instance of being violent and unstable isn't really enough to justify locking a child into a mental facility for two years, especially with the media involved and the whole story being very public. There are procedures and protocols in place. Sure, Yui could've arranged it regardless. But what I think happened is that she got wind of the fight at school, and used it to her advantage. Made Nol appear like a repeat offender. There were already rumors and even "proof" of him being unstable and aggressive, which makes him getting violent again so much more believable, right. Much easier to convince everyone that putting him in the facility is necessary, that it's the right thing to do. It would also make it easier for Kousuke to believe Yui's narrative, because the kid attacked someone at school and you're his victim too but don't worry he is under control now you're safe. And most importantly, it would make it easier to make Nol believe that about himself. I didn't do anything to Kousuke but everyone keeps telling me that I did, so maybe I'm wrong? I know I lost control and hurt someone before, so maybe they're right and it happened again? Can I even trust what I remember, what I believe? Maybe there really is something very wrong with me? Maybe I am an unstable dangerous person that should be kept away from everyone? That deserves punishment? It would be so much easier to insert these beliefs into his head, mess with his memories and his self-perception, when there is undeniable proof of violent behavior and he probably already feels guilty about that and is starting to question himself...

First off, Nonny 💕 Thank you for sharing your experience 🥺 I can't imagine that must've been easy for you as a child to deal with such a radical change to your life.

But yes, I very much agree with you! I can't remember if I've ever said it on here or if it's only come up in my conversations, but I've been wondering for a while now if Nol DID, in fact, hurt someone. It used to be that I wondered if he really DID hurt Kousuke - quimchee has said before that they've had one fight. But a couple things never made sense. Wasn't it curious that he said "people got hurt"?

In retrospect, it seems like an odd way to put it - that he had issues plural and that was what kept them apart. People got hurt. Even the article that mentions the heir being attacked doesn't make it sound like Kousuke had to be hospitalized. But right, I agree he very well still could have sent someone's kid to the hospital with everything he had on his plate - his unhappiness, the hot-headed anger, kids being cruel and bullying him, spreading rumors, being xenophobic, etc.

There's also this

"Especially after hearing how you were treated in middle school."

This has stuck out to me ever since this episode dropped because of what we DO concretely know... nothing really fits that logic, does it? Had Nol ever fought Kousuke, that's not something that he'd think relates to Shinae being bullied and fighting a kid in act of desperation.

But if Nol was fighting kids, had really hurt someone and his very important father pulled weight so Nol got into less trouble... That feels like it could be something he fears will change her perception of him, what he thinks of her. Because right, even if he was lashing out after being pushed too far, the right button was pushed and he attacked, it's SO easy to see how he could turn that on himself. Further to this point, it sounds like he was put through anger management therapy and we know he uses his punching bag to let out his anger, we can absolutely see how very easily he blames himself, how HE could have been convinced of all of this. That he's unstable, he's dangerous, he needs to be subdued.

And further to that, it makes me wonder if punching Sangchul was parallel to what happened in his past. Again, Sangchul was the one taunting him, baiting him because he was certain Nol was too much of a coward to attack, so he pressed his buttons and Nol snapped. And what's more, Kousuke knows a LOT of intimate details about Nol and his family. Plenty of people know rumors about Nol and his institutionalization. Maybe Sangchul figired not only was Nol too much of a coward to act out but because he has a pre-existing record he couldn't lash out without getting into trouble.

And because everything is a parallel and Nol and Shinae are mirrors, it feels very likely that his own incidents with fighting and hurting someone were similar to Shinae's experience, where he reached his limit where it all spilled out where he lashed out at the people who were making his life hell and more miserable than before. Again, it's SO EASY to twist it around on him if he made that first move. "You should have just ignored them. You shouldn't have let their words get to you. You struck first. You hurt someone."

Likewise, it makes it so much easier to kind of brainwash him with this thinking in the hospital. To convince him that he's a bad person who deserves no kindness, who needs to be punished. As readers we get it, we understand. We see how he's been treated by people, reduced to nothing, made to feel like a bother, a mistake, that he only makes things worse. His mother's death looks like suicide, like she took her own life and abandoned him in this foreign country so far away from anyone he knows and left with this cruel family who treats him like he doesn't exist, shouldn't exist, and all of the kids who have bullied him and made him feel like shit. 😭😭😭

How easy it would be to convince this poor kid, this illegitimate bastard of the Hirahara family living as an undocumented immigrant in their shadow, that he is a terrible person who has hurt so many people who doesn't belong here who only hurts people, who can only bring harm to the people he cares about. It also would explain why he worked so hard at absolution - he believes he has so much to atone for.

And that's the worst part, isn't it? To know that he probably did fight, probably did hurt someone after putting up for so long with people taunting him, mocking, bullying him, that no one defended or protected him and when he reached breaking point, he was faulted for how he reacted. It sounds like no one gave him the help he REALLY needed, the understanding and compassion as well as the anger management. All too often when it comes to bullying we see this kind of thing, too. Those children were responsible for pushing his buttons but instead he gets blamed because he couldn't "just ignore them". Instead he was made to feel like a monster, to take all of the blame for not being able to handle what others did to him. Expecting people, especially children, to be able to carry that kind of stress, to live with those kinds of harassment and never to step in or defend them, to try to put a stop to it before it reached that stage. 😭

Once again and as always, these children were all failed by the adults meant to protect them and I will never get over it.

#I Love Yoo #ILY Brainrot #ILY Anon #Nolan Oliver T. Lochlainn #i have so many feelings about this and esp about the kids being failed by the adults #it KILLS me #and esp if we are right about this yes Nol did need some help it's good that he's got an outlet for his frustration and anger these days #but at the risk of taking the blame for everything #for feeling like he is a dangerous monster #that he causes hurt and pain #that BECAUSE of all of that he believes he must always be punished that he doesn't even deserve kindness and friendship #😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭#hurts my heart #they fucked up this poor child #and as a result he's internalized EVERYTHING #EVEN HIS MOM'S DEATH 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭#also i wrote this on mobile pls forgive any typos lmao i am abysmal at writing on my phone but i HAD to answer this

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msola · 1 year

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Angelique Boyer como Leona/Marena en El Amor Invencible (cap. 32)

#angelique boyer #this show is breaking me #Leona is breaking me #i felt her pain in this scene #you know #she is this close to her heart to her son #who had been hurt #and she can't do anything #cause he doesn't know that she is his mom #and she needs to stay away #but can't #and his adopted mother is comforting her son #and all she can do is to watch #my heart...#leona y benja #el amor invencible #leona bravo/marena ramos

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milo-is-rambling · 1 year

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Now why the hell do I have such intensely realistic dreams I had to wake up and stare at the ceiling for like ten minutes to make sure I was alive.

#me 🤝 having dreams where everyone is mad at me and also I'm having a near death experience and everyone is still mad at me #literally had a dream that I was riding a bike and got hit by a car and woke up in the hospital then felt like shit but was okay enough and #then in my dream I was like hmm I wanna go to a gas station to get snacks bc that's why I was biking in the first place and so I drove to a #random gas station and came back to my car after getting snacks and there was a fucking mountain lion inside my car that immediately pounced #on me and started trying to bite my face and no one would fucking help me at all #it was terrifying and I literally like argued with my mom in the dream and she said all this personal horrible shit and didn't care at all #that I was hit by a car and then I went to the gas station and millie was there and she was mad at me for not going on some trip with her #and her family even tho I was like nah dude I was like JUST hit by a car this morning bro I don't wanna go to Connecticut with u and ur fam #and even the gas station clerk was mad at me for some reason and he tried to charge me a hundred dollars for a pack of icebreakers and a #box of strawberries like dude what the fuck is wrong with my brain but I remember every fucking detail of it like why is my brain so evil #my brain will be like hmm time to dream... let's think about exactly how it would feel to almost die once and then be mauled by a big cat #like why in my dreams do I feel everything that happens to me. why did I feel my broken nose and he blood dripping down my face and the road #burn across my body why are my dreams like yeah u can smell the mountain lions breath as you're trying to hit it with ur purse and it's like #drooling on ur face cause it's trying to wrap it's jaws around your entire head #like bruh. hey brain. did I really need that today? did I really need two near death experiences in one dream? and also everyone hates me?#was that really necessary brain? my brain also had the audacity to set the dream in New Hampshire during winter. why would I be riding a #bike in the middle of winter and then be slammed into the road and then be attacked by a lion what message is that trying to tell me exactly #when I woke up I literally touched my nose to make sure it wasn't broken thats how fucking real my dreams are I hate it #anyways I'm mad at my brain for having hyper realistic dreams where I'm in pain physically and emotionally

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floorpancakes · 1 year

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i feel like at some point watanuki just realised all his protests to cute things and anything remotely not-a-plain-dirty-tshirt-and-cargo-pants stuff was largely irrational and he actually DOES want to be pretty

#even in a non traumatic snap au i feel like this is something hed just realise regardless as he matures into an adult #its ok bestie we all have our flop era #mf has to evolve into a fashion swan slash butterfly someday #its so funny cause at first he gets so mad at like the cat ears and the maid outfits and then fast forward and hes just #fully dressed up and doesnt seem to give a fuck about any sort of normalcy #but yeah regardless i think its pretty clear hed evolve into his slay era regardless of what happened #hes in general every definition of an egg his entire personality is big repression i like the idea that hes inevitably meant to become stun #thinking abt him looking at photos of himself as a late teen in like the worlds ugliest r/male living space type fit #and like SILENTLY SCREAMING IN PAIN #this was sponsored by the strange belief i had growing up pressured by my mom that i wasnt supposed to learn makeup or get into fashion #and that was something i had to either save for later or just ignore while all my friends experimented with trends and stuff #straight up til the age of like 14?15 ? this was the situation #and slightly past that #im not saying me and the sopping wet catboy thing are the same but im saying the logic tracks so i can picture his evolution clearly LMAO

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void-tiger · 1 year

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Having a cat snuggling me awake is a much nicer way to force myself up before dawn than dogs persistently whining and barking for over an hour.

Thank you, Tonks. And Zorro you were pretty polite with that “mmmrrrp?” once you heard movement.

(Also…snow and inflammation work as natural insulators against teen temps and a negative windchill lol. But mostly snow.)

#tiger’s musings #tonks the tiny terror #zorro the tailless wonder #the twigster #…yeah sorry twigs. but your whining and barking gets me homocidal.#morning person tiger is NOT #still very swollen and the veins in my hands are all distended like I’m 60 yrs old with a 16 yr old’s skin but. whatever #pain’s at least bearable soooo I’ll take it #can’t take shit for the inflamation #and I’m ‘too young’ for steroid injections; those cause scar tissue which makes another injection harder #it’s legit just an opioid IG. buuuut I’m gonna wait until fam’s home #and we see how gramps responds to the exact same medication since he and mom are both sensitive to opioids/narcotics #…yEAH. I was prescribed the same damn drug they use for HIP SURGERY recovery #because Nothing Else Has Worked while waiting on the humira to build up #happy? me? you must be joking. this sucks.

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roseband · 2 years

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whelp.....EDS is on my medical chart now *barfs*

#personal #im calling mild bs on some of the ppl online saying diagnosis was the hardest thing ever to get cuz this is w/ my medicaid doctor LMAO #HAHAHAHAAAA oh my god remember last year when i was shitting on simon martina fans who were claiming 'caregiver fatigue' for simon #during the divorce and i was like... dude martinas got similar disability presentation to me hes not her caregiver lolol #OOPS i guess its *same* disability presentation #its cause the rheum autoimmune factors all came back negative other than one that can also be associated with hashimotos :/#ALSO its noted that there's definitely some sort of cardiac involvement so thats just FUCKING GREAT amazing #if i ever run into the doctor who said me fainting in high school was cause of me being underweight ill KILL HIM im gonna kill him #cause he was the same doctor signing off my 504 forms in junior high so DIE????#also if i run into Michaels ex gf who tried to use me fainting and having to be picked up to get a gaggle of devilish incel girls #to say i had thin privilege from ANOREXIA ill punch her im gonna fucking punch her #i already tried to stab one of them when i ran into her in the street cuz that was the 'interracial couples are grooooosss' girl...so #ill just fucking STAB any of them #i dont wanna end up on a med i cant eat grapefruit on lol :/ all the heart meds prevent u from grapefruit :((((#like actually @ my high school doctor tho wtf..... like i know id only had one joint dislocation at that point and it was an actual #*traumatic...ish* injury (fell on thumb in capoeira class lol.. thumb popped out)#but also he was signing off on my school disability forms and knew i was fainting so ???? BROOOOO #then again he was a twatwaffle about my moms medical retirement after booby #we stopped seeing him like after he said i was a 'strong young lady' uh bro you'd signed off on like 5 years worth of school physio/ot #forms and then also hed also said that my moms reconstruction shouldnt give her aby more pain than his wifes boobjob #like wtf ..... she had a horrible time with her mastectomy and reconstruction and reduction cuz nothing healed normal #and she had a drain collapse and was in physio to get movement back in her arm for months ugh what a dumbass #but he retired two years later so i guess it was rlly him being a lazy fuck

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timeisacephalopod · 2 years

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I honestly have no idea why people are libertarians because libertarians have no fucking brain cells. I remember watching a bit on South Park where Cartman defended cigarettes and cig companies because "we smoke, it's OUR responsibility not to!" or some such bullshit and like

Imagine living in a world where you unironically (because this IS a libertarian talking point outside the animated show bit) thinking it's totally fine for a company to sell it's customers poison and instead of regulating the Cancer Giving Company you try to regulate individual choice. It's like that tweet that says American feel good stories are like "someone saved a bunch of kids from the orphan crushing machine" without ever questioning why an orphan crushing machine exists to begin with. Baffled that addicts have to "take responsibility" for a company selling them a product that gives even people around the smoke of their product 10, 000 diseases- and companies I guess have zero responsibility themselves not to sell literal cancer causing poisons to it's customers. That's so fucking braindead I can't believe people 100% buy into this stupidity with their whole ass chests given that other Hot Libertarian Takes only get dumber from here. Anyway they should date terfs, the only group ive met that's as blatantly brainless as libertarians given how much they love bodily automomy when they want abortions but suddenly backpedal like a madman when trans people ask for the same respect and bodily autonomy.

#winters ramblings #i watched that bit in a Knowing Better YouTube vid- highly recommend btw #he goes over the WHOOOOLE thing and i PROMISE you as an asthmatic child id have been LIVID if someone told me #second hand smoke was harmless. the only reason i HAD asthma was second hand smoke and i only saw my dad on weekends!!#my mom and step dad never smoke in the house but anyway i remember all the Stupidness over no indoor public smoking #and i thing its STUPID to police the addicts the company made rather than THE ACTUAL FUCKING COMPANY #seems like a faster way to get results that doesnt treat companys with less impunity than individuals despite causing way more damage #still libertarians are the dumbest people in existence and terfs follow close behind #because ive never met any group so in love with their pain they create a framework where its inescapable #but like sure whatever keep thinking men are monsters and women will never hurt you #ckearly youve never lived in an actual society because i PROMISE women cause as much damage as men #they arent Super Special and men arent uniquely evil just because theyre men 🙄🙄#point is libertarians are fucking morons and an absolute joke to political beliefs

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medicinemane · 1 year

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Anyway, kind of don't want want my house decorated in old lady kitsch or to be dressed in nouveau riche pensioner chic

May shock you, but I find that kind of insulting and want to fill my house with my own shit and figuring out making my own clothes so I can wear something nice that I like that isn't just overpriced plastic that falls apart instantly

#the kitsch isn't stuff I hate it's just not stuff for me #I'll probably just give it away over the years being like #'like don't feel forced to take it; but that's why I have it; so if you like it give it a good loving home like I can't'#like there's a little dinosaur fellow who is a cookie jar and he's nice... but he's living on a bottom shelf in the pantry #I'd love it if someone I liked saw him and loved him and took him home and put him front and center somewhere #they could send me a picture and I'd be happy for him and I'd have more room #I love my stuff; I want it to be happy and properly loved... I can't do that for most of it #I want to repair it all and the ones I can't properly love find the right home for #it actually... it actually hurts me a lot how things are but... what can you do but keep moving forward #I just kind of ignore it #my mom was constantly having breakdowns during cleaning up the trailer but like me...#you think it didn't shred me instead seeing all this stuff I loved or wanted to love but... like there's this really beautiful lamp I have #don't think I can keep it cause too much pain from my mom that's held for me in it #need to find it a good home; cause it's great... I'm just kind of too broken to hold it ever #anyway... you think the trailer didn't constantly devastate me you're wrong; but I just turned myself off and worked...#just can't have feelings when there's work to be done; can't think; you just take care of it if you want hope for a time to deal with it #I still can't deal with it; but if I get stuff fixed up... well... probably just pass it to others and still not deal with it #repression is what holds me together for sure; don't mess with a working system #hopefully some day I manage to just kill my personality and become an automaton doing the tasks I want done #but for now repression works #mm tag so i can find things later

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todayisafridaynight · 10 months

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NO SERIOUSLY THE SMILE CAN BE SOMETHING SO SPECIAL... because the concept originates in violence, intended as a last resort when you're cornered, a psychological bluff that might give you the upper hand... so for Arakawa to be able to recontextualize that as part of how his family communicates (along the lines of what we've talked about with regard to their language) is really something.

Especially because like, while he has varying degrees of success instilling the concept into his men, it's pretty safe to say they would all know what a smile from him means, right? They're family to him. So if there's this mix of Arakawa starting to smile more around Jo subconsciously and Jo picking up on it, maybe there's this period of consciously pulling back and of not wanting to read too much into it, respectively...

But Eventually it's this wordless affirmation of Jo having a place in Arakawa's family. Maybe he can't really put it into words in a way that doesn't make Jo feel awkward (I mean, he can't even manage that with Ichiban, much less someone with issues around that as deep-seated as Jo's, right). But he can do that much.

And I know I KNOW this bitch never has any reasons to smile but if Jo ever smiled back..................................

Anyway. Happy birthday to your bro and I'm glad you had a good day yesterday! You deserve it :) Come to think of it, my dad was born in July... and my Bestie Group Chat (ft. my friend who initially encouraged me to get over myself and send you an ask lol) was founded on Tsutsumi's birthday...

THAT'S WHAT IM SAAAAYING LIKE FUCK MAN it can be something SO personal and something SO confusing at first so when everything Clicks....... bruvv.....

#snap chats #late to answering this SORRY was having a whole episode this morning #but yeah........ you get it...... its just a concept that makes me scream and i wanna do something with it SOOO bad.... drives me insane..#its just good... great even.... Literally So Personal and unique to them and ouuuugh #DEADASS jo aint ever got SHIT to smile bout... s'why them rare-as-all-hell smiles gotta be worth a million dollars #with that out of the way... For Now because it WILL stew in my brain forever..#july the day for EVERYONE god DAAAMN ironic as hell you made your group chat on his bday tho 😩#and speaking of bdays.... it is my bros bday today... and i feel like the biggest piece of shit （；´x｀）#i told him i was leaving and i wouldnt be back until. //gestures vaguely// and he was just What 🥺??#IM SORRY BRO IM SORRYYY it just wouldnt end well i know it and so now im feeling so conflictedd #BUT THEN IT STARTED RAINING and listen i dont. HEAVILY believe in superstition or things like that #but bro every time it rains SOMETHING bad happens so now im just lost #but thats a problem for me to work out. with my sis. cause ill prob text her and be sad about it #for now ima deal with this minor toothache i got bruh OW??#ow. todays a painful day. and its only going to get worse this month cause its also my MOMS birth month #SEE EVERYONE BORN IN JULY absolute nightmare of a month.#in any case. ive just been sitting in a parking lot so i should prooobably go somewhere so bye for now :]]

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