Ace Attorney Lawyers Ranked By Their Abilities in Physical Combat
Winston Payne: I’m pretty sure the average Tumblr user could kill Winston Payne with their bare hands.
Sebastian DeBeste: Look, the only reason why this wimp ranks higher than Payne is because he is so sopping wet pathetic that there is a significant chance that his opponent will just start feeling bad about kicking his ass and punch themself in the face instead.
Klavier Gavin: While Klavier is a physically fit young man who is known to keep his cool in extreme situations, he is also a giant law-abiding nerd who has never thrown a punch at anything that isn’t an inanimate wall. It probably wouldn’t be that hard to shove this guy into a locker.
Miles Edgeworth: Look, Miles is an even bigger locker-worthy nerd than Klavier. Anytime anyone, friend or foe, suggests a violent solution he just gets freaked out and begs for them to follow procedures. And no AA Lawyer is more easily thrown off his rhythm and startled than he is. He might have some bulk under the magenta and frills (or at least some impressive leg muscles from climbing 12 flights of stairs every day for like seven years), but he has no idea or will to actually use them in a fight. However, he did try and stare down a man who was aiming a gun at his back that one time and managed to keep his cool throughout all of this.
So like, he’d probably talk a big game and try and intimidate his opponent into not engaging - but if that won’t work he will get his ass thoroughly whooped. And then he’d try to sue them, which is what his threats were about all along.
Apollo Justice: Actually a considerable step up in power-levels from the previous ones. Apollo might be smol, but he is Done With Your Shit and this gives him Strength. Not to mention that one time he successfully tanked an explosion. His famous Chords of Steel can also serve as a tactic to confuse or weaken his enemies.
Kristoph Gavin: Although he is primarily known for his schemes and poisoning, he did kill a man with a single blow to the forehead with a bottle, showing he does have some decent upper-body-strength to use in a fight. And being known as ‘the Coolest Defense in the West’ means he can keep his calm even during hectic combat. But he’s also very pretentious and his constant pontifications might just be the perfect opportunity for someone to smash his face in.
Blaise Debeste: Okay, look, is Blaise a scary tall man who successfully stabbed a woman to death with a candelabra and constantly carries around a deceptively-powerful lighter and has like, implied, motorcycle gang background? Yes. But also I think anyone who encounters Blaise Debeste face-to-face is overcome with such bloodlust rage that it might give them an edge in the battle against him.
Mia Fey: Mia ranks fairly high on the Battle Scale considering the one time she was faced with a violent altercation she just tried to escape and it… didn’t end well.
However, in the two times we get to play as her it’s also clear that she wants to Punch. All of the Things. While Apollo is fueled by being Done With Your Shit, Mia has righteous anger - so I think in a situation where she is actually prepared to do battle she would be able to throw a few decent punches. Also assuming we are talking about Mia while she was still alive, there’s also her Spirit Channeling powers to account for. While we’ve never seen them on screen, Maya told us they are “first rate” and I believe her. Maybe she could channel the spirit of a great warrior to try and get an edge in combat?
Manfred Von Karma: While he also has the same Bloodlust-Inducing-Factor as Blaise, and he does seem less physically fit even though they’re about the same age - I feel like his cane could do more serious damage than Blaise’s lighter. And he has that dangerous fucking Stun Gun on him to easily neutralize opponents. Plus, he did tank that one gunshot he got in the shoulder. Manfred’s opponents might have Rage on their side, but also you cannot underestimate the power of his sheer Spite.
Godot: On one hand, Godot has shown an ability to keep his cool in very dangerous situations. He can smash a coffee cup with his bare hands and barely react, showing that he’s decently strong and resilient to pain. And he is yet another proud (?) member of the exclusive “Lawyers With a Body Count Club”. And while stabbing a waifish, 155cm college student (and part time-poisoner) in the back isn’t exactly the most epic demonstration of battle prowess in the history of Anime Lawyers - he did it (and moved the body and doctored the crime scene and prosecuted in court) while tanking a knife slash in his face, showing his pain-resilience once again, as well as general tenacity that would also be useful in battle. Also, he can summon an infinite amount of hot coffee mugs at will, which must make for a decent improvised long-ranged attack.
On the other hand, his health is also heavily implied to be deteriorating and that he’s basically dying over the course of the final case… possibly due to all of that physical exhaustion. If a fight goes longer than just a single backstab, I feel like these health complications are gonna harm Godot’s performance.
Phoenix Wright: Okay, so this is actually the hardest one to place. I keep flip-flopping on where to put him, especially compared to Mia, and Apollo. Because unlike most other lawyers currently ranked below him, he is a disaster when it comes to being on the offensive; Phoenix Wright is a total wimp who has never returned a punch in his life. However, he is also almost supernaturally durable, unbelievably lucky and deceptively strong. If a solid iron door, a raging freezing river and a speeding car didn’t manage to take him down, what chance does a fellow human, even a more combat-capable one, have???
Calisto Yew: She’s not even a real-lawyer! She’s a Secret Spy who successfully pretended to be a Lawyer for years! She’s got a gun, she’s got a knife, she's got crossbow bolt as hair decorations, she probably has some combat training from her time in Interpol… While she’s clearly more specialized for espionage and infiltration, and not as physically strong as Lang, she’s still got an impressive advantage over most of the regular people who went to Law School. In fact, her skill with barefaced lies and manipulation might also be a skill she could use in a fight to catch her opponent off-guard.
Nahyuta Sahdmadhi: Nahyuta is, in fact, one of the few AA Lawyers to canonically participate in what I would unambiguously call a ‘fight’ (rather than a ‘murder’), when he single-handedly disarmed and apprehended a Defiant Dragon rebel in the sorta-canon ‘Spirit of Justice’ Prologue video.
Like, that rebel guy probably isn't the world's greatest warrior, but the Defiant Dragons have been around for enough time to give their members at least some basic self-defense/combat skills… more so than the average lawyer on this list at minimum. And Nahyuta very easily crab-stomped him. Showing that he has strong nerves, some amazing reflexes and the martial art skills to knock a man unconscious with a single blow. Not to mention the seemingly supernatural skills with his prayer beads, which he already uses as a sort of ‘weapon’ in court. Also that... thing he did to Apollo's bracelet that one time.
Nahyuta might be just straight-up Magic, that's pretty OP.
Franziska von Karma: Look, Franziska might not have official martial-arts, guns, or Literal Magic Powers - but what she does have is sheer determination and force or personality. Franziska von Karma has been intimidating grown men since she was a 149 cm tall 13 years old with a riding crop (I mean, one of those men was Miles, but still…..). She had once whipped Phoenix Wright into unconsciousness in a temper tantrum, and like I already mentioned that taking him down is quite a feat. She is also very resilient - while the shot to her shoulders was designed not to kill her, being up back on her feet doing investigation stuff a day after is still very impressive! Her whip might not be as dangerous as a sword or a gun, but she will not relent until she defeats you.
Simon Blackquill: Let me just give it to you straight, Simon Blackquill is 1.88 meter tall, he owns a katana and a trained attack-hawk (giving him both short range and far range advantage), he can break solid metal chains with his bare hands, he can cut your hair halfway across the room with a feather. Not to mention how he could probably use the whole psychological manipulation in battle to intimidate or goad his enemy. There’s not even a lot of funny or interesting points to bring up, he is literally an action movie character who just happens to also be a lawyer.
Athena Cykes: Athena Cykes is the strongest lawyer. One day, she’ll be stronger than whales. I believe in her.
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I have seen a lot of people discuss Hannibal x Will in s1. I’ve seen claims that Hannibal did what he did to Will just to see what would happen. I’m finally speaking my truth and I disagree. Hannibal is an incredibly deliberate and intentional person. We see this with the words he chooses, how he goes about murdering/cooking/setting up his tableaux, etc. Will is the most important thing to Hannibal. From the second he laid eyes on him, he saw something in him and that was before he even got to know him. There’s a reason we call it love at first sight.
You think he really induced so much pointless suffering in him for… nothing? Just to see what would happen? No. He knows what kind of man Will is early on. He realizes he has this righteous anger. So how can he get Will to embrace his darker nature that he suppresses? By tapping into that righteous anger. So what does Hannibal do? He frames Will for murder. It’s the easiest way to achieve this. Hannibal is a good manipulator. He could’ve disguised this better if that’s what he really wanted. But he wants Will to know. That way his righteous anger can be activated. We also joke about how Hannibal likes Will’s murder fantasies and yes part of it is because Hannibal is Just Like That. But also it means Will is coming into his himself. With each murder fantasy about Hannibal, he gets closer to embracing himself which is what Hannibal ultimately wants.
It’s important to remember that the show is through Will’s perspective which is why I think a lot of people have this takeaway. When Hannibal and Will are having the confrontation in the finale of s1 where Will has a gun pointed at Hannibal, Hannibal says “You said it felt good to kill Garrett Jacob Hobbs. Would it feel good to kill me now?” This is insight to the fact that what he’s done is not pointless. That he’s trying to call on the same righteous anger that Will felt over killing Garrett Jacob Hobbs now.
Will says further into the encounter “You were just curious what I would do. Someone like me. Someone who thinks how I think. Wind him up and watch him go.” From his perspective, that is what is going on. He doesn’t realize what Hannibal is actually trying to do. Of course he has a surface level read on the situation. It seems like fans have internalized this since like I said, the show is from Will’s pov.
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So I understand that Penelope was the most upset about what Colin said (in regards to her relationship with him) at that moment. But to be honest, I’d like to see her come back in season 3 after a period of retrospection that isn’t just mad at him for saying that.
I’d like to see her grappling more with how morally grey (at best) her business is, and still feeling guilt over Eloise, and even still Marina. Although I don’t entirely agree with her actions, I don’t entirely disagree with them, especially considering she’s still supposed to be a teenager.
All that said, it would be interesting to me if one of the major reasons Penelope is avoiding Colin is season 3 is out of a sense of guilt. She was hurt by what he said, but it wasn’t anything she didn’t know, and she did need to move on. Beyond that though, she lost her friendship with Eloise and hurt Colin through (how some people see it) treachery.
So when he arrives, ready to win back her friendship I don’t doubt it will include verbiage about how she is a true and loyal friend and a good person. I would like to see that more than anything else driving Penelope away. Because she doesn’t feel like she’s truly been that to Colin. In fact, in some way, distancing herself and moving on with someone else who won’t care about what she does, is a kindness toward the Bridgertons.
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Playlist! this is a random vibe, so no worries if it just doesn't work for you rn, but um coyote/canid survival playlist? Coyotes are a much-hated "pest species" and not as charismatic as wolves due to their solitariness and smaller size, but they're survivors, they're clever and they adapt to all situations and it just gets me, man... city coyotes surviving despite all odds... doesn't have to be songs *about* coyotes specifically, just... the wild dog... <3
S/C/A/R/E/C/R/O/W by My Chemical Romance
Up the Wolves by The Mountain Goats
The Foundations of Decay by My Chemical Romance
Zombie by The Cranberries
Desert Song by MCR
Sound + Fury by Ella Mine
Bones Don't Rust by TMG
Burn Bright by MCR
Immortals by Fall Out Boy
Hello Cold World by Paramore
The Modern Leper by Frightened Rabbit (there's also a cover by Julien Baker that's very good but I feel like the instrumentation of the original will be very up your alley considering that you like TMG)
Optimism (As a Radical Life Choice) by Spanish Love Songs
The (After) Life Of The Party by Fall Out Boy
The Killer Was A Coward by Dermot Kennedy
I See Fire by Ed Sheeran
You First by Paramore
Love From the Other Side by Fall Out Boy
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The thing about Bleach AUs is that a lot of the time, you come up with this contrapositive, and it's not interesting enough to write a story about, in fact, the AU sucks the interest out of the original narrative, but it's just...so much nicer for the character involved?
I was just thinking about what if Hitsugaya didn't have to be a captain? My 4'4" king never even got to be a lieutenant. He would have been such a good lieutenant. He would have an encyclopedic knowledge of paperwork (I mean, he does anyway). He would hang out with Nanao and have the saltiest discussions about the most esoteric of Gotei procedures. Momo would drag him to the bar for lieutenant outings and he would order a milk and Renji would give him noogies and Hisagi would make a sincere effort to include him in the conversation and he would be very grumpy, but way, deep down in his soul, it would fulfill that need for socialization that introverts like him and me don't want but we need.
This wouldn't work in a scenario where Rangiku became captain of Squad 10 instead of Tosh because that's Too Much Angst; likewise I don't want anything to happen to Ran and I don't want them to swap places. (In fact, I want Ran to go around telling people that Tosh is such a good lieutenant because she taught him everything he knows and it makes steam come out his ears). I suppose he could go over and lieutenant for the 13th, but if this is a scenario where Isshin never disappears, maybe Kaien never dies, either, and furthermore, I think Tosh would die from candy poisoning if he had to work under Ukitake (he and Rukia would become such grumpy little besties, tho). He also can't work for Byakuya because I need Renji to work for Byakuya but also, please imagine Captain Kuchiki Byakuya and his adjutant, Lieutenant Hitsugaya Toushirou. Imagine it. They would approach every mission like a BBC murder mystery and be the two most insufferable men in the Gotei, it would fucking own.
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You mentioning the fact that they're profilers is so real bc like it honest to god ASTOUNDS me how badly they all read hotch like he so so so so clearly cares for every member of the Bau WAAYYY more than he cares for him self and he's literally never shown otherwise??? Like even the whole drill boss stuff or whatever tf he said he's never aggressive with the group if they mess up he's always understanding but fair and most is pretty much the first one to comfort them (if the script allows) UNLESS he's going through some shit IE the whole divorce plot and foyet AND IT BAFFLES ME HOW EVERYONE FUCKING MISSES IT CONSIDERING ITS THEIR J O B
they’re all kinda bad at profiling each other but istg they have to TRY to understand hotch so poorly… i’m trying to think of a moment where he yells at them when they’re not directly putting themselves in danger or in the immediate aftermath of him getting attacked in his fucking home, but i cant think of anything?? he doesnt like being harsh with them and he learns the hard way with the elle situation that it doesnt get them anywhere. the only time he was unduly upset w someone was with emily in the beginning and that’s only bc he thought she was either a nepotism hire (which she kinda was) or a plant for strauss (which she kinda was)
he’s “strict” but like?? is he?? he does half their paperwork for them and they dont even know it. instead of doing things by the book and getting reid fired, he turned the other way and let him work through his drug problem. maybe he says “no” sometimes, but he usually relents anyway—like when jj has a feeling ab a case or when he calls the fucking vatican for emily. if he was a drill sergeant, would he let garcia keep a bunch of clutter on her desk and dress in bright clothing?? he doesnt coddle them or anything bc that’s not really his personality, but he’s gentle w them and even praises them when he knows they need it. he doesnt always step in and help when he should (i think that honestly has more to do w him being self conscious than anything—he doesnt want a drill sergeant/bully to make things worse), but he keeps a close eye on each of their wellbeing and will quietly urge one of the others to help out if someone’s in a tough spot
sure he doesn’t smile a whole lot and he’s known for his perpetually neutral face, but at the same time it’s not very hard to tell how he’s feeling. he’s effective at his job, he’s good at playing the tough guy, but tbh he let’s things get to him easily. he takes their criticism to heart and does his best to be better. he HATES seeing any of them hurt: ever notice how after what happened with elle he never uses his own agents as bait like that again? he either uses himself (like the fight club episode) or one of the team volunteers and he relents (like emily in the omegaverse swingers episode). they misread his social awkwardness as being cold when really i think he’s just mildly uncomfortable being the center of attention in an unprofessional setting.
it’s wild to me how frequently they misjudge him. i think he kinda knows and almost encourages it?? while still considering their judgements genuine?? morgan is a great example: of all his subordinates, morgan has worked with him the longest, since before he was in charge of the team. so you’d think morgan would have the best insight. but morgan has a complicated relationship w authority figures and tends to be automatically defensive out of habit. essentially, he’s been projecting on hotch since day one and has been blinded by the convoluted series of lenses he sees hotch through: as a constantly rotating mixture of buford, stilinski, and his father. it’s prevented him for actually seeing hotch for who he is, and hotch seems to make no real effort to correct any of those presumptions. but hotch still takes it personally when morgan criticizes him (prob bc it feeds his own negative view of his self worth and uses it as justification for whatever self loathing bullshit he’s on)
basically, hotch knows everyone has skewed perceptions of him and is fine letting their delusions continue uninterrupted—encourages it, even. he’s more comfortable receiving scathing remarks, even if they’re inaccurate, bc it allows him to continue his own delusion ab his place in the world. if they hate him (or if he thinks they hate him), it gives him a reason to hate himself. which is why i think he kinda likes that they’re bad at profiling him. it’s a way to receive that negative attention without actually being vulnerable. it’s a very very passive manipulation—more like he’s allowing them to manipulate themselves—that feeds his self loathing. i think he does it on purpose, so i cant necessarily fault the others for so drastically misunderstanding hotch. especially since they do get better at it over the seasons: they’re able to see through his defense mechanisms a little more, even if they still cant see him clearly
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