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soft-stormcloud · 4 years

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Panic Cord: Please Don’t Say You Love Me [2/3]

Synopsis: When Virgil and his fiancé, Logan, take in Virgil’s ex boyfriend Roman and his boyfriend, Patton, Virgil’s forced to come face to face with his guilt.

Genre: Hurt/Comfort, Prinxiety, Analogical, LAMP, background logicality

Word count: 3580 out of 8823

Trigger warnings: Implied abusive parents, very heavy guilt, financial problems, potentially unsympathetic Virgil? It’s complicated, everyone makes mistakes.

Part One

Logan was, of course, okay with it.

Virgil dared say he was excited. He took a day off work (he had a lot of personal days saved up) to spend making sure the apartment was clean and inviting, and his office was cleared out for Roman and Patton to move in. Virgil had to move his vanity to make room for Logan’s desk, but he didn’t complain.

When they arrived, Logan pulled Patton into a tight hug while Virgil took Roman’s luggage to carry it inside.

“Is this all you have?” He asked, frowning.

Roman shrugged and followed Virgil into the apartment. He was sort of dazed as he looked around. “Well, I had a few of Patton’s things over at my place, but when he was evicted, his landlord sold his things. I had to be fast to leave so I just filled up whatever I could in this suitcase and we left.”

“I’m surprised you let Patton in your house,” he said as he pushed open the door to what was previously Logan’s study, now Roman and Patton’s room.

“What?” He frowned. “I didn’t.”

Virgil set his suitcase down in the bare room and looked at him in confusion. “You said you had some of his things?”

Roman blushed and looked away. “Just, like, sweaters and stuff.”

He couldn’t hide a grin. “You’re still so sappy.”

“It’s not exactly a bad thing!” Roma pouted.

“I didn’t say it was.” He didn’t bother unpacking the suitcase, leading Roman right back out. “Logan and I called in a favour with our parents- Come with us, we’re getting you some furniture.”

“What?” Roman smiled nervously. “You don’t-”

“You’re at least getting a bed.” Virgil gave him a flat look. “Besides, my mom was way too happy to help. She and Dad actually want to have dinner with you and meet Patton, whenever you’re up for that.”

Roman only blushed brighter. He was embarrassed, but in a good way.

When they went back into the living room, Logan was explaining to Patton how they could afford such a nice apartment.

“Virgil’s and my parents got together and wrote us a cheque for our Christmas present,” he was saying. Virgil stepped beside him and wrapped his arms around Logan’s waist. “They covered half the costs. We’re also pretty lucky with our jobs, they pay us well, and we’ve been saving up for a while.”

As they walked out the door and headed for the apartment’s elevator, Patton looked at Logan curiously and asked, “What do you guys do?”

Virgil hid a smile as Logan lit up, launching into an excited ramble about his job. Logan loved his job, and he wasn’t quiet about it. He didn’t even do anything super exciting or that he’s passionate about; It was just convenient, and well-paying, and easy. He said he mostly enjoyed it because he got to put all of his energy into his studies, and his relationship with Virgil, not having to waste any to pay for basic living expenses.

The four of them went out to a few of the surrounding furniture stores, somehow managing to fit a nightstand, the parts of a dresser and a bed, and a shit ton of hangers inside Logan’s tiny car. They went ahead and used the leftover money to buy Patton new clothes, and a little for Roman, as well.

When Roman and Patton were distracted with the clothes, Logan pulled Virgil aside. “Are you doing okay?”

Virgil frowned in confusion. “Yeah? Why?”

“I just… Know this isn’t exactly what you wanted.” Logan took his hand. “I’m sorry.”

He shrugged and ran his thumb across Logan’s palm. “It’s not what they wanted either. It’s not a big deal.”

Logan watched him carefully. Virgil seemed… Truly unbothered.

“Verge, you know you don’t have to answer this, but… Why did you two break up?” He laughed a little and shook his head. “I’m so confused about your relationship.”

Guilt flooded Virgil’s system. He squeezed his eyes shut and shook his head. “No, it’s… I don’t want to talk about it.” He did want to tell Logan, both because Logan deserved to know and because Virgil thought he may feel better after getting it out.

But there was always the possibility that Logan would leave him, would find his actions so disgusting and mistrustful that he decided to go.

“It’s okay,” Logan whispered, pulling him into his arms. “Don’t panic, it’s fine. It clearly doesn’t matter anymore, whatever happened. He doesn’t seem mad at you.”

“That’s not what I’m worried about,” Virgil mumbled.

xxx

The next few weeks living with Patton and Roman were… Interesting. For Virgil, most of it consisted of not ever letting himself be in a room with Roman alone, while also making sure Roman and Logan were never in the same room alone. It was pretty exhausting- Not just the act itself, but the guilt that came with it. Was it wrong of him to be stunting Roman and Logan’s relationship so badly? Was he proving that he hadn’t changed at all in he and Roman’s time apart, by doing pretty much the exact same thing? Was his reasoning justified in meddling with the ecosystem of their apartment?

Logan, someone who was always straightforward and blunt with him, didn’t seem to care. Or even notice. He and Patton were growing closer and closer by the day, and if they were a ‘normal’ couple, Virgil would be frightened every time he found Logan and Patton tangled up on the couch, asleep together, or walked in on them talking quietly and holding hands.

For once, it was not because of the guilt. Most things Virgil did in his life was because he felt guilty. But, truly, it was because he would do anything to keep that dopey smile on his fiance’s face, and he wasn’t bothered that he wasn’t the only one to cause it. He and Logan simply had too much love to give that could be dropped onto one person.

One day, Logan, Patton, and Virgil were in the living room, Virgil doing his makeup before work and Patton and Logan doing a puzzle, when Roman burst through the front door with sunshine in his face.

“Love?” Patton stood and smiled, coming over to hug him. Roman picked him up and tossed him a bit, spinning him around and holding him tightly. Logan snickered as Patton squealed. “Woah- What’s going on?!”

“They’re doing auditions for Dear Evan Hansen down at the Carnation, and I got an audition!” Roman set his pink-faced boyfriend down and smiled so wide it changed the way Logan and Virgil saw him.

Virgil had missed that smile.

“I’m auditioning for the role of Connor!” He reached into his messenger bag, a large hole in the side patched up with the scraps of a thin red scarf, and pulled out a clean, new script. It was thin and unlaminated. “They gave me a few scenes to practice for, I need to go right now!”

Patton wasted no time following Roman into their room. Virgil was embarrassed, because half of him tried to get up, too. For a split second, he had fallen back into his old life, his old self, and as terrifying as that was, he still felt ecstatic when Roman poked his head out and said, “Hey, Verge? You wanna come, too? Patton wants to read for Zoe, but you can play Evan!”

Virgil desperately wanted things to go back to how they were, and he desperately wanted to never go back. He was terrified that Roman being here would put him back into old habits, that all the work he had done to change and be better and build a life with Logan would vanish. But he was also so, incredibly, ridiculously happy to have Roman back, and achingly sad in a way that you only feel when you just now realized how much you’ve missed a person. He wanted to be able to pick and choose, to reach back and pluck certain elements out of his old life and drop them into his new one, and forget about the remnants.

But life didn’t work that way.

So as he and Patton helped Roman prepare for his audition, with Logan sitting on the bed with a book, he kind of wanted to cry.

xxx

“I want to be a halfling!” Patton cried in excitement.

They were all crowded around the living room table, Virgil and Logan’s D&D Player’s Handbooks laid out in front of Roman and Patton.

“Okay,” Logan chuckled. He was sitting next to Patton, hand planted beside his hip, so his arm was almost around him but not quite. “Then, here, these are the stats you get, you put those here.”

When Roman and Virgil were still dating, Virgil mentioned a few times how he always wanted to get into D&D. Roman agreed, and they always said they would play together, once they had time and enough friends to make a party. The day Virgil and Logan met, Logan was wearing a Critical Role t-shirt and was buying supplies for his weekly session, a few days out. He offered to take Virgil with him, and the plan was just to watch and hang out but he got along with their party so well and already had an idea for a character, they insisted he started right away.

It didn’t escape Roman’s attention that Virgil ended up doing something they always planned on doing together, with Logan. He was sad about it even though he knew he shouldn’t have been. How could he expect Virgil to have put his life on hold, for a reunion that neither of them thought would happen?

There was still a part of him that felt betrayed. Roman often felt betrayed when thinking of Virgil, and it was so frustrating because he didn’t want to be mad at Virgil, especially seeing him now, seeing how much he’s changed. He was engaged, and happy about it- Excited, even. Every time someone brought up their upcoming wedding, Virgil positively lit up and couldn’t stop himself from attaching himself to Logan’s side.

Although… As betrayed as he’s felt these last two years, as sad and as angry as he’s been… It faded as the four of them spent the night playing D&D, sinking six hours into it, making a clumsy team with Logan as their ruthless DM. It faded away for very familiar feelings to take its place.

That morning, after Patton went to bed and Logan went to work, Roman found himself wandering towards Virgil’s room. He was so confused, and surprised, and he didn’t think he could wait any longer- He had to talk to Virgil. During their relationship, nobody could calm him down and make him see clearly the way Virgil could. He hoped they hadn’t lost that, that all this time apart hadn’t made them strangers.

Virgil called him in after knocking, looking a little wary. He knew it couldn’t have been Logan, so it was either Patton to chew him out about all he did to Roman, or Roman himself, which had its own problems attached.

“Hey,” Virgil said haltingly. “You need something?”

“Not really.” Roman shrugged one shoulder, not able to meet his eyes. “Just, uh…”

Virgil scooted over and Roman took the silent invitation to sit next to him, pulling the covers over his lap. “What is it?” Virgil actually looked concerned, and Roman hated that that surprised him.

“Does it feel… Weird to you?” He risked peeking at Virgil, risked noticing the way his faded purple fell in his eyes and the way he still looked so, so tired. “Being back together?”

Virgil fell silent, and Roman was patient. He knew the face Virgil made when he was thinking, when he was choosing his words very carefully to both say what he meant and spare feelings. His eyebrows scrunched up and he chewed on his upper lip and he looked, just faintly, defeated.

“It does,” Virgil said. “But it’s not… All bad. I just don’t think we were expecting it.”

Roman was relieved to hear that, but it also scared him, because that meant they were thinking the same thing, and that could be dangerous. He thought of Patton, Roman’s ray of sunshine. For a short amount of time, Patton was the only reason Roman stayed alive. He loved Patton fiercely, but that kind of love was familiar to him, and he had been feeling it double lately.

“I bet you got rid of everything.” Roman didn’t mean it as an insult, but he could acknowledge that it definitely sounded like one.

“Actually,” Virgil said, annoyed, “I still have all of it.”

Roman’s eyes widened in surprise. “Really?”

“Yeah. I was going to get rid of it during the move here, but… I don’t know.”

He crawled over Roman to get out of bed, and went over to the closet in the corner of the room. He disappeared inside for a minute, clothes being moved on racks sounding out into the room, and came back with a scrapbook and a shoebox.

The shoebox was unassuming, nothing like the one Roman had spent hours decorating, that still sat somewhere inside his parents’ house, or maybe the garbage at this point. The scrapbook was a lot more exuberant- They made it together. Somehow Virgil ended up with it.

He got back into bed and set the scrapbook into Roman’s lap.

But then they didn’t move.

They both wanted to open it, and they knew that, but something about it felt wrong. Were they making a mistake?

Just as Roman started to contemplate, Virgil took off the shoebox’s lid and tossed it aside. All of Roman’s concerns disappeared at the sight inside.

At the very top, there was a brown leaf that looked like it would crumble with a single touch. On their one month anniversary, Roman took Virgil for a walk, which was really a disguise for a secluded, romantic picnic. He took Virgil down a dirt path with overarching trees, blooming all vibrant shades of green in the summer sun. Virgil wanted to stop, to check out a little alcove of trees off the path, and they ended up staying there for longer than planned. As they made their way out, Virgil plucked a leaf off one of the trees and stuffed it in his pocket.

Now, Virgil reached down to pick it up, and under the weight of the wind it shattered, all over a card Virgil had made for Roman’s 19th birthday.

They both snickered, and Virgil dropped his head back, frustrated and happy. Roman flipped open the cover of the scrapbook. The first picture was from Roman’s 19th birthday, about two months into their relationship. They both had writing and scribbles all over their arms, Roman’s in purple, Virgil’s in red. Virgil squinted to try and read some of it.

In red, Don’t Forget Your Meds!! <3

In purple, audition at 2:30. see you there

There were drawings, random scribbles in red and little icons and comics in purple. Their arms were like that in most pictures, and in a picture they had taken at the park, where Roman had Virgil picked up with one arm, a little ink peeked out under his raised shirt, on his tummy.

Looking at these pictures, Virgil had never felt so dumb.

After they finished looking at the pictures, neither of them felt like letting Roman go back to his room. Guilt gnawed at Virgil’s insides as he and Roman scooted close to the wall, leaving enough room for Logan when he got back from work. They fell asleep with their legs tangled and their bangs brushing together.

When Virgil woke up, it was like he had never gone to sleep. A blink of time passed and he peeked over Roman’s shoulder, worried Logan had gotten home and gotten angry, left to sleep somewhere else, and was only mildly relaxed to find him there in his usual spot. He had actually scooted closer than he had to in order not to fall off the bed, almost spooning Roman.

Virgil laid there until Logan woke up. The morning was one of Virgil’s favourite times to spend with Logan, because Logan was sleepy and affectionate like a cat, and they often spent the mornings drinking coffee in silence. Just being in the same room was often enough for Virgil.

It wasn’t like that this time. Virgil could barely look at him. Was he angry? Was he going to accuse Virgil of cheating, or wanting to leave him?

He knew Logan would never have this conversation without at least a cup of coffee, so he stayed quiet. Logan prided himself on being able to articulate himself, and he couldn’t do that when he was tired.

After a little bit of Virgil stewing, and cooking breakfast for four, Logan finally turned to him and said, “What’s going on? You’re freaking out.”

“Was that inappropriate? Are you mad?”

Logan hummed and turned off the stove, putting the pan on a different burner. “I think for normal couples, the answer would definitely be yes, and we would need to have a talk.” He opened up his arms and Virgil sunk into them, resting his head on Logan’s shoulder. “But we’re not normal. Does he make you happy?”

That wasn’t a question Virgil was prepared for. Maybe that was stupid, but it wasn’t that he didn’t know the answer, it was that he wasn’t sure if he earned the right to say it.

But this was Logan. He was always safe with Logan.

“Yes.”

“Do I still make you happy?”

“Yes!” Virgil pulled back, looking at Logan in concern and panic. “What kind of question is that?!”

Logan cupped Virgil’s face in his hands and kissed him, just firm enough to keep him grounded, to remember where he was. Virgil rested his hands on Logan’s waist and sighed into it, kissing him back.

“We tell each other before we do things,” Logan mumbled.

“Right. And the other has to be okay with it.”

“And I’m okay with it. And the other has to know the new person. Don’t I?”

Virgil swallowed and nodded. “Yes. And it goes both ways.”

“You’re not doing anything wrong,” Logan whispered. “But if you really can’t shake that feeling, then we should have a different conversation.”

Virgil and Logan had put their polygamy into practice before, but never for anything serious or long-term. Virgil felt guilty about a lot of things, it pretty much ruled his life, but this had never been one of them.

“Morning, guys,” Patton said as he wandered into the room. Virgil and Logan pulled away so Virgil could make Patton a plate while Logan greeted him.

Patton and Logan ate their breakfast and then headed into Patton and Roman’s room, because Logan promised to help Patton prepare for his job interview and then drive him there. While Virgil was making his own plate after finally getting hungry, Roman came into the kitchen.

“Hey,” he said nervously.

Virgil glanced back at him and then forward. “Hey. Are you hungry?”

They sat next to each other with their plates of food, and ate in awkward silence. When Virgil went to reach for his drink, Roman set his hand over Virgil’s. He didn’t remember the last time his heart had jumped so high, or so much excitement flooded his system.

“I have my audition today,” Roman said quietly. “Are you busy?”

Virgil was walking on eggshells. Everything lately felt like a decision, like one way or another his life was changing, and he had to make the decisions without knowing what it would lead to.

“I’m not busy,” he settled on, because it was the truth.

Roman linked their fingers together, and Virgil squeezed his hand. Virgil thought of what Logan said, that he was okay with it- And suddenly Virgil realized that he himself might not be. As Roman leaned closer, Virgil jumped out of the chair and scrambled to grab his half empty plate and head into the kitchen.

“Actually, I just remembered that I, uh, have a lot of stuff to get done today,” he stuttered, fumbling for a tupperware to put his leftover food into. “Sorry, I, uh, can’t make it. Sorry.”

“Virgil.” Roman frowned and stood, coming over to him. “What’s going on?”

“Nothing, I just- I can’t make it.” Virgil slid his food into the fridge and put his dishes in the dishwasher. He tried leaving, but Roman was blocking the way out of the kitchen. “I can’t make it, okay?”

Roman looked at him in frustration, and hurt. Virgil hated how familiar that was. Of all the things Virgil wanted to see again now that Roman was back in his life, that was last on the list. “Do you think- Maybe we should talk about what happened? Because you’re acting-”

“No!” Virgil’s eyes widened. “No, what? What are you- There’s nothing to talk about. How would that help?”

“Virgil, if you don’t want to be with me, that’s fine, but-”

“I don’t want to talk about this,” Virgil insisted, and he kind of felt like crying.

Roman stared at him for a moment, as if waiting for him to change his mind or say he was kidding. Then Roman grabbed his keys and his jacket, and walked out the door.

Reblogs are better than likes

#roman sanders #virgil sanders #patton sanders #logan sanders #prinxiety #analogical #lamp #virgil #roman #patton #logan #hurt/comfort

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emuftw · 5 years

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Dreamboy Fan theory (Part 1)

TW: mentions of physical abuse, animal abuse and depression

Quick intro! - So with the next episode being the season 1 finale, I thought it would be a good time to share my theory of what is going on at PepperHights. I wanted to share now before the finale comes around and totally proves me wrong but for once I oddly don’t mind. It also goes without saying it is just a fan-theory and it’s not meant to be taken too seriously. With that being said however, I do talk about the themes as tagged so be mindful whilst reading. One key note, going forward when I use “Dane” I will be referring to character Dane in the show. When talking about the real Dane, I will be referring to him as “Producer Dane” when talking about all things outside of the podcast.

Also, this is LONG! When I started this I was hoping for a post similar length to my transcription of the Instagram live. As I keep typing however I realise that to make this flow easier I have split this into two parts. Part 1 will talk about the general theme of “what’s going on” and my guess at how Season 1 will end. Part 2 will carry on with the key points that were mentioned before, but with focus on the characters and how it all links together along with their individual theory’s.

Dreamboy has been an amazing podcast from start to finish. From the music, Character Danes sex drive to the sheer horror which is woven in every episode, it is clear you can see why it was picked up but Night Vale Presents. However, after seven and a half episodes (and a holiday special) there is still a lot of mystery of “what” is going on in the show. As fans we know that there has been a build up to something big happening and with hints of Aliens, magic and the super natural taking place in most episodes. For me though, there seems to be one clear overriding theme that is taking place and that ISNT the idea of there being a giant fish, the fear of giant family corporations going to Jupiter and finding something, the dreams of death or even the sharing of dreams between two strangers.

It’s the horror that comes with mundane life and everyday people itself. For more clarity, I don’t think there is anything supernatural, Syfi or horror going on. Instead, I think this is a tale of people and the hardships of life and how it is perceived via tone which I am hoping to break down in this fan theory! Key themes here are things I have picked up though my own life experiences, what has been said on and off podcast, livestreams, and assumptions from what took place in the original off Broadway production/BTS episode and people who work on the podcast.

At the start of the podcast we are introduced to a morbid way of thinking with Dane’s idea of a supermarket is just one giant morgue of animals and dead plants. This creepy tone is continued throughout the whole story. It’s captivating, it’s engaging and its part of what makes the podcast great but there isn’t something that would count as a big “horror” or “bad guy”. Instead, it’s how Character Dane talks about the supermarket which makes it scary.

This use of Tone and description is used a lot to make us the listener gripped in the moment along with how we imagine and perceive what is being described to us, however, we havn’t yet seem to encounter one key thing which is actually “evidence” of something paranormal. Instead, a lot of what is happening can be put down as as the struggles of life and its affect on ones own personal mental health and personal life experiences that come with getting older as well as how we cope with the events around us. These can be seen in all our “main” characters Dane talks to such as Dane himself, Luke and Critch, all of whom I will talk about more in Part 2. (Note: I don’t include Characters such as Carol and Dan in this as whilst our leads have spoken to them, unfortunately they don’t seem to have a big impact on the story outside of the episodes they are featured in.)

A good example however, of how Danes descriptions of characters and tone can be seen as “something supernatural is going on” is how we perceive Jennifer and the Non-Girl Scouts. When we first meet Jennifer, Dane describes her as a “child who looks like she has been raised by her grandparents”. She is also later described as a “girl scout” and is frequently referred to as a “child”/ “kid”. In a cultural context, when talking about girl scouts, being from England I associated them with our equivalent, who are ages from 7-10 and when she mentions that she and the other two had a “slumber party” it furthers this idea of a young girl. This tone/description sets us up to believe she is very young, which is even more jarring once she opens her mouth and speaks about complex issues such as feminism and equality in their complexity but sophisticated manor. All these Ideas, and Tone, leads us to think that she is “creepy” and “up to something big” in a supernatural sence. However in episode 7 our perception of how we view Jenifer changes.

In the episode Dane asks “what is she twelve?” to which she corrects him and tell us she is actually 13. This greatly surprised me when she told us this, and yet at the same time, for the first time made her human. At 13, we instantly gain between 3-7 years of life experience, meaning by now she is starting to form her own personality and ideology, which is something we expect from a teenager. A teenager talking about toxic masculinity is less jarring than a child talking about it. Whilst people would perceive her as a “child” still, there is a big difference in maturity level and complexity thinking, which means we no longer have a “creepy child girl scout” on our hands, but rather a “young teenager who is making their own choices though understanding social situations”. In this episode have a very human moment of a teenager asking for help as well as frustration break down when Dane won’t give her the keys as he “knows” they won’t open the door. I get the impression this is not easy to do for her, and from the live stream we know she doesn’t like to be messed around. For the first time we have a very human moment where we see her struggles and vulnerability, rather than the creepy tone which has been set by Dane and his narrative.

So with the Idea set that we are dealing with real life instead of a big horror taking place, I would like to also address one of the key areas this applies to as well as what I believe is taking place. I would like to talk about Zoe the Zebra and what has actually happened.

For me personally, I believe that Zoe is already dead, but not for the reason you believe. Early on, in the first episode, we are told that Zoe is an old Zebra who is the Zoos start attraction. A bit of Basic googling shows us that in the wildlife, a zebra can realistically live for 10 years whilst in captivity they can live up to 40 years on record. If we assume that Zoe has never seen the wildlife and was bred in captivity, we can assume she was born into the Zoo around 1990 at the EARLIEST, meaning she’s a pretty old Zebra nearing 30 if Dreamboy is set in 2019. With the Zoo being popular but struggling for funds, and based off the other animals such as the monkey who needs to listen to opera to sleep, we can assume that Zoe did not have a suitable enclosure for her. An unsuitable environment along with being the “star” of the Zoo, it means she was also frequently surrounded by load noises, no enrichments/toys and could have been alone despite being a heard animal. These factors are all key contributors to animals developing some form of Stereotypical behaviour during her time at PepperHights.

(Quick definition break: Stereotypic behaviour is defined as a repetitive, invariant behaviour pattern with no obvious goal or function. Stereotypic behaviour is not seen in animals in the wild and is understood to be abnormal and is therefore a negative factor in conservation captive breeding. Common Stereotypical behaviour includes habits of repartition such as noise making, pacing in the same location and self-mutilation as a result of over grooming AKA not nice!).

Based on what I learned in my time working with animals, this behaviour can also lead to aggression when behaviour patterns are interrupted or the animal is dealing with something they are not familiar with (such as someone breaking into their cage late at night). This sadly what is likely lead to the death of Ian. Whilst in the story it has been said that Zoe’s fate is still to be decided via the judge later in the week, I believe Zoe is actually already dead due to Zoo’s protocol’s that occur in these situations. It is very common when there is an active risk of the safety of the members of public in regards to wild animals, whether they have activity hurt a member of public or not, is too shoot the animal dead on the scene.

I have seen this happen when animals have killed members of staff in Zoo’s, to just lynx’s escaping from enclosures and going into the country side with no interactions with the public at all. If we are to assume that the person who reported Ian’s death also knew the Zoo’s procedures, we can assume that Zoe, who in in a scare fit killed Ian on accident, was shot on the scene to prevent anyone else being harmed. It is also worth noting that currently we do not know if we have seen Zoe since the incident, only that we have heard her cries which could have easily been recorded and played over the speaker system. It is also easy to believe as since Critch has requested no one to be present at her death, Zoe is already dead but Critch wishes to hide that so that people still visits the Zoo to see Zoe one last time before she goes as so many people love’s her. As well as this, it would also explain why there is such a big push for the lost ocean, as their main attraction is already dead.

Going back to the original discussion of theme, This idea of an animal who is kept in a poor enclosure, driven crazy by the noise and consistent lack of respect to then only be added on with her death on the scene is obvious a lot more realistic than the “murderous Zebra” or even the “drag Queen Zebra” which is frequently used to describe the situation. Its sadness of the situation, from an animal never being kept in its natural environment which lead to a young persons death, to the fact that there is no formal closure for this animals death, which leads to the finale being less of a supernatural horror to more of a real life situation which we as society become numb to as we exist day to day.

---

For now, this is all I have for part 1. The idea of nothing supernatural going on is something which seems to be something which is only slightly touched on with the “plot” of Dreamboy. In Part 2, the idea of personal hardships, challenges and how these can link to a more telling story is what I am hoping to cover as well as my own personal theories.

Will hopefully get part 2 up within the next couple of days but till then stay groovy!

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sincerely-us-imagines · 6 years

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It’s all about the money, honey (pt 2) (connor murphy x reader)

alternatively titled “it’s not about the money, honey”

Part 1 is here

I got a lot of good feedback on part 1 so thank you so so so much for that!!

It’s almost 1 am and I have to be up in like 6 hours and there is no way in hell im proofing this tonight lmao

also this is seriously 10 pages long i’m soRRY ITS A LOT

warnings: swearing, a teeny tiny bit of angst, asshole cousins i think thats it? also i tossed in some of my personal hc’s for evan oops

“So does this mean you’re done prostituting yourself out to Murphy?” Jared asked after you told him what went down Friday night.

Evan shot Jared a disproving look.

“I’m not a prostitute, Jared. I was just--”

“Getting paid for the “girlfriend experience” by someone who can’t get laid?” he popped a baby carrot into his mouth. Evan and Jared were the only two who actually knew what was going on between you and Connor. And sometimes you regretted telling the latter. Like right now, for instance.

“I never slept with him, Jared. I never even kissed him. The most I ever did was like, hold his hand.”

“Somehow that’s even more pathetic on his behalf.”

“So what are you going to do now?” Evan asked, ignoring Jared completely.

“I don’t know. He’ll probably make up a story to tell his parents why we broke up.” you tried to sound nonchalant about the entire thing. You barely tolerated each other away from his family, so why did this feel like the end of an actual relationship?

“Uh oh,” Evan said, eyes locked behind you.

“Well speak of the goddamn devil.” Jared laughed.

You turned around to see Connor approaching you from behind. He looked horrible. There were deep purple circles under his eyes and his hair was a frizzy unwashed mess. You pushed down any feeling of pity you had for him as he walked up to you.

“I need to talk to you.” he said.

“Just tell them we broke up. It doesn’t need to be a discussion.”

Evan shifted uncomfortably across from you while Jared watched on, clearly amused.

“I don’t want to-- just. Please, can we talk?”

You sighed and gestured to the seat beside you.

“Fine.”

Connor eyed your friends.

“Away from them?”

You rolled your eyes but picked up your bag nonetheless.

“I’ll see you guys in econ.” you told them, giving a small wave before following Connor to an empty lunch table in the back corner of the cafeteria.

“Look, Y/n, I’m really sorry. You were just trying to play along and do what you thought would be best. I shouldn’t have snapped at you.”

“It’s fine.” you shrugged it off as if it were nothing. As if you totally hadn’t cried yourself to sleep Friday night after you got home, or spent all of Saturday at Evan’s place ranting about it.

“It isn’t. I was an asshole and you didn’t deserve it.”

“Yeah, you really were.” you agreed. His jaw clenched and he took a deep breath. It brought you a small sense of satisfaction to know you got on his nerves.

“If you’re still willing, I want us to keep… doing this,” he gestured between the two of you and took a deep breath, as if what he would say next was going to hurt him.

“And for you to come with me to my cousin’s wedding.”

You blinked at him, a bit taken aback.

“You… You actually want me to go? You can just tell your family I’m busy that day or something.”

“No, I, uh,” he sighed, “I want you to go. I don’t want to be alone with my family.” He looked down and began to pick at his chipped nail polish. “Things, um, they aren’t as bad when you’re there.”

You couldn’t help the smile that spread across your face.

“Aww Connie,” you cooed and poked his cheek, “do you like having me around?”

He flushed pink and swatted your hand away.

“No! You just… don’t always totally suck to be around.”

You put a hand over your chest in an exaggerated manner.

“Oh Con, that is the sweetest thing anyone has ever said to me!”

“Oh shut the fuck up,” he grumbled, rolling his eyes at you, “And don’t call me ‘Con’.”

“If you say so, Lawrence.” you shrugged, smirking.

He only ignored you.

“So we’re cool?” He asked, glancing over at you.

“We are.”

“Okay so the wedding is the 1st of next month. It starts at 3 but it’s like an hour away so i’ll be there at around 12:30 so we’ll have time to get gas and maybe stop and get a drink for the road and still get there a little early.”

“Got it.” You nodded, punching the information into your phone’s calendar.

“Cool.” He stood up to leave but stopped. “Also, uh, do you maybe wanna come over for dinner thursday? My mom said she’ll make that casserole thing you like.”

“They asked me back already?” you were kind of surprised. It was usually every other week you came over.

Connor was quiet for a few seconds while he adjusted the strap on his messenger bag.

“Uh, yeah. They did.” he wasn’t looking at you. “I’ll see you in science, yeah?”

“Of course.” you answered, a little confused by his behavior.

He mumbled a goodbye and headed off, leaving you wondering what the hell was going on with him.

The last couple weeks of the month flew by and the 1st came up sooner than you’d expected. You were ready at 12, having had Evan come over to help you with your hair. He was actually really good at, which was surprising with how bad his hands shake. He said he learned to braid in boy scouts when he was little and used to do his mom’s hair all the time when he was younger. You’d have to ask him is he would do your hair for prom, too.

You wondered if Connor would ask you to prom. Just to appease his parents, of course. It would only make sense for a boyfriend-- a fake boyfriend- to ask his fake girlfriend to their senior prom. It’s all fake, Y/n. you remind yourself. He doesn’t actually care about you like that.

You shook the thoughts from your head and straightened out your outfit, a pretty swing dress with a lace overlay. Connor pulled up at 12:15 and just kind of… sat in the driveway. After watching him from your bedroom window for a couple minutes you went downstairs to say goodbye to your mother (who was quite excited for you to be going on a “date”. And kept giving you that knowing Mom Look) and headed outside towards Connor’s car.

You approached the door and looked inside to see him sitting there, scrolling through his phone. You knocked on the window and he jumped, looking over at the window with wide eyes. He unlocked the door and you climbed in, laughing at him.

“Why were you just sitting in the driveway?” you asked, pulling on your seatbelt

“I was early and I didn’t want to bother you, so I was just going to wait until 12:30 to text you.”

“Since when do you care about bothering me? That’s, like, all you do.” You looked over at Connor to find his eyes fixed on you. You shifted uncomfortably and adjusted your dress.

“Uh, Connor? Is something wrong?”

“Yeah.” You tilted your head in confusion at him. “I mean- no. No, nothing’s wrong.”

He turned back to face forward and put the car in reverse, backing out of your driveway,

“Okay… Well, um, you look really nice.” you told him. And it was the truth. He had his long curls pulled back into a bun, wearing black dress pants and oxfords with a maroon suit jacket over a pink shirt with a tasteful floral print tie. It was a very classic look, but with a fun twist. And it looked great on him.

“Zoe said I look like a bellhop.” he grumbled. You couldn’t help but laugh.

“You don’t.” you assured him, “You look really, really handsome, Connor.”

The tips of his ears turned pink at your compliment.

“Thanks. You look okay too, I guess.” he said in a teasing tone.

“Asshole!” you laughed, hitting him lightly on the arm.

“I’m kidding, Christ!” he laughed too. “Really though, you look great.”

“Thank you, Connor.” you smiled and rolled your eyes, trying to fight the heat rising in your cheeks.

Connor pulled into the 7-Eleven down the street from your house, parking beside a pump and turning the car off.

“You want anything?” he asked as he opened the door.

“Nah, I’m good.”

“Nothing?”

“No, Connor. Thank you though.”

He shrugged and shut the door and you waited until he was in the building before pulling out your phone and snapping a picture of yourself, sending it to the group chat with Jared and Evan.

Jare-Bear: damn. hot mama.

Ev: you look great!

Ev: you sprayed your hair again before you left right?

You: yes, ev

You: thank you

Jare-Bear: evan ur gay

Ev: only half

Ev: ish

Jare-Bear: whats connor wearing

Jare-Bear: a trenchcoat and bandolier?

Ev: jared, thats not funny

You: can you not be an asshole for like 2 minutes?

You: he looks really good, actually

Ev: think you can get a picture with him?

Jare-Bear: why? So u can have material to jack off to both murphy siblings

Ev: shut the hell up

You glanced up from your phone to see Connor walking back towards the car with a plastic bag.

You: gtg

You: message you guys later <3

Ev: okay have fun!

Jare-Bare: use condoms

You stuff your phone in your purse and watch Connor leans against the car as he pumps the gas. He tugs the little curls at the nape of his neck, the ones that wouldn’t fit into the bun, twisting them around his finger and letting them spring free. A nervous habit, you assume. A replacement for his usual compulsion of running his hand through his hair, probably. Why do you know that? That’s so weird that you like, consciously recognize that. What the hell--

The nozzle clicks and you quickly turn to look straight ahead, pretending like you hadn’t just been analyzing his behavior.

He opened the door and folded himself into the driver’s seat, starting up the car. Once getting situated, he opened the center console and pulled out a bottle of hand sanitizer, squirting a few pumps into his hands and rubbing them together.

“What?” he asked when he realized you were looking at him.

“Nothing.”

“Do you have any idea how dirty gas pumps are?”

“I don’t suppose I do.”

“Well, they’re fucking filthy.”

“I believe you.” you couldn’t help the amused grin spreading across your face.

“Then what’s so goddamn funny?” he was pretending to be angry, but you could tell he was fighting back a smile.

“You’re just so…” Please don’t say it. Don’t fucking say it, y/n.

“I’m so…?”

Cute. You’re fucking cute, Connor, okay? Everything you’ve done today has been unbearably adorable and I can’t stand it.

“We should go.” you say instead, glancing at the clock on the dashboard.

He eyed you suspiciously but didn’t say anything.

“Okay, but first,” he dug around in the plastic bag and handed you a bottle of water and a pack of M&M’s. You looked down at them and then back up at him.

“I know you said you didn’t want anything but I thought since it’s kind of a long drive you might… y’know, change your mind or something.” his voice suddenly changed from it’s half bashful tone to something a little stronger, but still light. “And I’m not about to pull over for you to go get a snack or some shit. So really it’s in my best interest, y’know. Just so I don’t have to hear you whine.”

“Sure.” you smile, taking a sip of water

“Whatever.” there’s a ghost of a smile on his lips as he pulls out onto the road.

“Thank you, Connor. Really.”

Connor turns on the radio in favor of answering you.

Connor pulls into the parking lot of a rather large synagogue roughly an hour later. He finds a parking spot near his parents’ SUV.

“Holy shit,” you say, getting out of the car and admiring the architecture of the building. Connor snorted as he rounded the car to come get you.

“Oh, oops.” you covered your mouth, realizing what you’d just said.

“You are such a dork.” Connor smiled, holding his arm out for you to take.

“Shut up.” you laughed, nudging him.

Inside the synagogue you met up with Cynthia, Larry, Zoe, and their grandmother, who greeted you both with a big hug and kiss. and found your seats. You talked easily to Connor and Zoe until more people began filing in, filling up the pews. The ceremony was simple yet beautiful, and the bride’s dress was utterly breathtaking. You didn’t know them, sure, but you did tear up a bit (which made Connor smirk and poke you in the side).

After the ceremony and before the reception, Connor, after being instructed to by his parents, bashfully introduced you to some of his other family, all of whom commented on either how well Connor did or how beautiful you were. Except for one cousin.

He seemed to be a few years younger than you, maybe 15 or so. Connor immediately tensed when he saw him approach. He looked over towards his parents, almost like a scared kid would, but they were too wrapped up in a conversation with some third time removed somebody to even notice.

“Hey, hey! Larry Junior! How’s it going?” the kid said, clapping a hand over Connor’s shoulder.

“Don’t call me that.” Connor said, glaring at him, and taking a step back to escape his cousin’s grasp.

The kid put his hands up in mock-surrender.

“No need for aggression, buddy. Don’t need a repeat of your 6th grade summer, do we?”

You glanced up at Connor in confusion.

“Oh he didn’t tell you?” the kid continued, “He had to go to, what was it called, Connor?”

“You need to shut up. Now.” Connor growled.

Connor was at least a head taller than this kid, and one of the most intimidating people you’d ever met. Why wasn’t he scared?

“Oh yeah!” the kid snapped, “”Behavioral Correction Camp”! He didn’t tell you that, did he?”

You stayed quiet, chewing on the inside of your mouth anxiously.

“Anyway,” he continued after getting no response for you, “how long have you been dating this charming cousin of mine?”

“Three and a half months.” you said, grabbing Connor’s hand protectively.

“And what exactly are you doing with him?”

“What?”

“Why are you with him? We thought Connor would never get a girlfriend. He was such a problem child, freaked out over every little thing, threw tantrums.” the kid laughed a little, “Hell, the reason he had to go to Batshit Crazy Camp was because he beat the shit out of me when we were younger, isn’t that right?”

Connor was absolutely fuming. You could feel his hand shaking in yours. His jaw was clenched so tight it was a wonder his teeth didn’t just shatter. He was using a lot of self control right now, that much was evident.

“You wanna know why I’m with him?” you asked, squeezing Connor’s hand tighter, “Not that I owe you any kind of answer. I’m with him because he’s sweet and thoughtful. He cares about me and my feelings and my wellbeing. He’s got a great sense of humor and he gets me. He makes me feel like no one else can. He can be gentle despite everything he’s been through, despite what people like you say to him, and he admits when he’s wrong and he’s trying. He tries so hard to be a good person. And he is a good person. And that’s a lot more than I can say about you.” You didn’t realize you were crying until you finished talking. You wiped your eyes on the back of your free hand before tugging him towards the big wooden doors out to the parking lot.

“The reception is in half an hour, you two! We’ll meet you there!” you hear Cynthia shout cheerfully as you leave the building.

You walked to the car, not letting go of Connor’s hand until it was absolutely necessary.

Once inside, you pulled down the visor and looked in the mirror, wiping at your eyes with a napkin from your purse, doing your best not to smear your makeup. You took a swallow of water from the bottle he bought you earlier before taking a calming breath.

“I’m sorry.” you told him, shaking your head. “I-I didn’t mean to--”

“Y/n, shh. He grabbed your hand and laced his fingers through yours. “Thank you. For saying all that. You didn’t have to do that.”

“What was I supposed to do? Just stand there and let him insult you? Connor, you’re my--” you cut yourself off. He wasn’t your boyfriend. He wasn’t really your friend, either. That doesn’t mean what you said wasn’t true, though. “I care about you.” you finished, looking out the window.

“I care about you too.”

“Shut up.” you smiled, not looking at him.

“Wanna head towards the hotel for the reception?” Connor asked, removing his hand from yours. You nodded and he put the car in gear.

You pulled out your phone and opened your group chat.

You: shit you guys

You: this is bad

Ev: ????

Jare-Bear: did he hurt you

You: no

You: i think i like him

Ev: really?

Ev: like, LIKE like?

Jare-Bear: gay

Ev: hey jared?

Jare-Bear: ya

Ev: shut up

Ev: for once in your life

You: yeah

You: i think so

Jare-Bear: i thought you had better taste than that

You: shut up

Ev: shut up

Ev: just be happy for her

Ev: unless youre about to like

Ev: profess your undying love for her

Ev: then its really not your business

You: thank you ev <3

Jare-Bear: i think shes just in denial u know

Jare-Bear: using murphy as a distraction from her lifelong crush on me

Jare-Bear: its okay u can tell me

You: lmao

Jare-Bear: rude

You: thats me

You put your phone on silent so it wouldn’t constantly buzz with Jared and Evan’s inevitable bickering.

“You want something to drink?” Connor shouted over the music. The reception turned out to be one hell of a party. There was tons of food and drinks, flashing lights and balloons and streamers and a massive dance floor, and it was loud. Really loud. It was kind of like prom, but with a lot of old people.

You nodded and gave him a thumbs up in confirmation. He got up and wandered off towards the far wall where the refreshments were.

You made small talk with Zoe until he came back.

He handed you a clear plastic cup full of what you assumed to be sparkling cider, and clinked his own against it in a toast. You smiled and took a sip. You froze, eying him as you swallowed.

“Connor,” you said slowly, “Is this alcohol?”

“Yup.” he grinned, taking a big swallow from him own cup. You didn’t bother asking questions. You didn’t really care how he got it.

You laughed and talked about nothing in particular for a while.

“Oh, I like this song.” you commented absently as the first few notes played over the speakers. Connor stood up pulled off his jacket, laying over the back of the chair, and held his hand out.

“Dance with me?” he asked.

“What?” you almost laughed.

“Will you dance with me?”

“I don’t know how.” you admitted.

“I’ll show you.”

“You can dance?”

“Is that so surprising?” he feigned offense.

“I mean, yeah.” you laughed.

“Just come on, jerk.”

He took your hand and lead you towards the center of the dance floor.

“Okay, now put your hand here.” he placed your hand on his shoulder. “And I put mine here.” He rested his hand over your hip and you felt heat rise in your cheeks.

“And then we just,” he began stepping in a simple pattern. You picked up quickly and were able to keep up, only stepping on his toes a few times. It got easier with each song.

A slower paced oldies song came on and you laughed as he spun you around out of tune with the song, the skirt of your dress flaring out in a big circle around you. You came to a halt in front of him, stumbling a bit as you regained your balance. He held tight to your waist to keep you upright. A wide, crooked smile was stretched across his angular face as he looked down at you. You couldn’t help but smile back. He continued to sway you to the beat of the music.

“Thank you for coming with me tonight. You really didn’t--”

“Hush.” you smiled. “I’m having fun.”

“I am too.”

You leaned your head against his shoulder and he snaked his arm from your hip to your lower back.

“Oh!” you said, pulling back after a couple of minutes. “I told Evan I’d send him a picture of us together. Is that okay?”

“Oh. Uh, yeah. Sure.”

You hurried back over to the table and grabbed your phone, ignoring the flood of messages from Jared and Evan arguing, and opened up your camera. You took different pictures and chose a random one to send to Evan and Jared and promptly shoved your phone back in your bag.

You stayed a couple more hours, dancing and eating and having a good time with Connor, before you decided it was probably time to go home.

“Hey, Y/n. Come on, wake up.” Connor was shaking you gently.

“What?” you yawned, sitting up straight. “Oh god my neck hurts like a bitch,” you groaned, massaging the aforementioned area.

“Yeah, I bet. You fell asleep with it at like a 90 degree angle.”

“Ugh… wait. I slept the entire way home?”

“Yup. And you snored too.”

“I did not!” you gasped.

“Totally did.” he laughed, nodding. “Full on sawing logs over there.”

“Shut up oh my God.” you rubbed sleepily at your eyes, forgetting all about your makeup. “What time is it?” another yawn forced its way out of your mouth.

“Half past one.”

“In the morning?!”

“No, it’s just after lunch, Y/n.” Connor replied sarcastically.

You rolled your eyes and stretched out, grabbing your bag from the floorboard.

“Can I walk you up?” Connor asked. You nodded.

He walked around to your side of the car and opened the door for you. Your heels made you a bit unsteady on your feet, having just woken up, so Connor looped his arm around your waist as he walked you to your front door.

You began digging through you bag for your keys, swearing under your breath at the ungodly amount of junk in your bag.

When you successfully found them and looked back up Connor was holding at least half a dozen twenties.

“No.” you shook your head, pushing the money away.

“Y/n-”

“No, Connor. I don’t want you to pay me.”

“We had a deal, Y/n.”

“Please, Connor, I’m too tired to argue. I had an amazing time with you today. I don’t need your money; it was my pleasure. Really.”

Connor hesitated before putting the money back in his wallet, still looking unsure.

“I, um. I don’t want you to pay me anymore.” you told him. “When we hang out. I… I like just being with you. If you want me to keep being your fake girlfriend or whatever around your family, that’s fine but… I don’t want you to give me money for it. I meant what I said to your cousin.”

Connor stared at you for a moment before speaking.

“I don’t want you to be my fake girlfriend anymore.”

Oh. That’s okay, Y/n. It’s fine. You freaked him out by saying that and he has literally no obligation to stay around you if he doesn’t want to.

“That, um, that’s fine. It’s totally your decision. Uh, whatever you wanna tell your parents happened is fine just-”

“I don’t want you to be my fake girlfriend.” Connor interrupted, grabbing your hand. “Maybe I could take you out next weekend? Like on a real date?”

Your stomach fluttered and you nodded a bit too fast.

“Yes! Yes I… yes. That would be amazing. I-I’d really really like that.”

“Okay.” he grinned.

“Okay.”

“Cool.”

“Yeah.”

“I should, uh, I should get home.” he gestured with his thumb at his car.

“Yeah, totally.” you couldn’t wipe the dopey grin off your face.

Connor headed to his car and you began to unlock the front door.

“Oh!” he called just before you stepped inside, “Can you send me those pictures?”

You nodded and he gave a thumbs up.

You snuck inside as quietly as you could, creeping into your room and shutting the door softly. You stripped off your dress and hung it up before pulling on a big t-shirt to sleep in and using a makeup wipe in a half-assed attempt to wash your face. You were too tired to go all the way across the hall to the bathroom. Your skin would give you hell, yeah, but that’s a problem for future you. So is the rat’s nest your hair will be when you wake up in the morning without brushing it out but you really couldn’t be bothered right now.

You climbed under your covers and unlocked your phone, seeing messages Jared and Evan had sent in response to the pitcture.

Jare-Bear: shit dude

Jare-Bear: hes got it bad for u

Ev: he really does

Ev: look at the way he’s looking at you

You tapped the picture to make it bigger. You were smiling at the camera, head tilted slightly to the side, while Connor watched you with soft eyes and a gentle smile. He looked happy just being there beside you.

You forwarded the picture to Connor and sent a quick goodnight message before settling into your bed, smiling even as you drifted off to sleep.

#connor murphy imagine #Connor Murphy x Reader #dear evan hansen #connor murphy #this is so long i'm so sorry #also i have no clue how to end anything ever #i might do a little tiny follow up thing for this also

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