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daisymae-12 · 8 months

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Bold All That Apply

Thank you for the tag @cha-melodius I had a fun time !! 🌞 includes ramblings because, as usual, I cannot shut the fuck up and I'm an over sharer, sorry in advance 💀

APPEARANCE: i’m under 5’5” // i wear glasses/contacts // i have blonde hair // i prefer loose clothing to tight clothing // i have one or more piercings // i have at least one tattoo // i have blue eyes // i have dyed or highlighted my hair // i have gotten plastic surgery // i have or had braces // i sunburn easily // i have freckles // i paint my nails // i typically wear make-up // i don’t often smile // i am pleased with how i look // i prefer nike to adidas // i wear baseball hats backwards

Ramblings: I used to need glasses 24/7 but I hated them so this year I was over it and just went fuck it and got night contacts so now I need nothing during the day !!! Absolutely LIFE CHANGING. Also I've never dyed my hair but I get a lot of people assuming I have. A friends mum refuses to believe me and straight up accuses me of lying?!?! The other week my SIL asked me where I went to get my hair dyed and I'm like bruh this is my natural colour you've known me for 11 years 💀

HOBBIES AND TALENTS: i play a sport // i can play an instrument // i am artistic // i know more than one language // i have won a trophy in some sort of competition // i can cook or bake without a recipe // i know how to swim // i enjoy writing // i can do origami // i prefer movies to tv shows // i can execute a perfect somersault // i enjoy singing // i could survive in the wild on my own // i have read a new book series this year // i enjoy spending time with friends // i travel during school or work breaks (if i can afford it) // i can do a handstand

Ramblings: I quit my architecture job 5 years ago to be a full time artist/illustrator ✌🏻 (haven't actually been working these last two years because reasons but I'm going to art/create/work again next year woooo 🤪) You know in hindsight maybe turning my hobby into my job isn't all that great 😂

RELATIONSHIP: i am in a relationship // i have been single for over a year // i have a crush // i have a best friend i have known for (more than) ten years // my parents are together // i have dated my best friend // i am adopted // my crush has confessed to me // i have a long distance relationship // i am an only child // i give advice to my friends // i have made an online friend // i met up with someone i have met online

Ramblings: Can't believe I'm saying this but my husband and I only started talking in high school because a mutual friend needed the two of us to FAKE DATE to play a prank on another friend and then we started dating for real 💀 I cannot make this shit up. brb writing a fanfic based on my life 😂

AESTHETICS: i have heard the ocean in a conch shell // i have watched the sun rise // i enjoy rainy days // i have slept under the stars // i meditate outside // the sound of chirping calms me // i enjoy the smell of the beach // i know what snow tastes like // i listen to music to fall asleep // i enjoy thunderstorms // i enjoy cloud watching // i have attended a bonfire // i pay close attention to colours // i find mystery in the ocean // i enjoy hiking on nature paths // autumn is my favourite season 🍂

Ramblings: Surprise surprise I have nothing to say!

MISCELLANEOUS: i can fall asleep in a moving vehicle // i am the mom friend// i live by a certain quote // i like the smell of sharpies // i am involved in extracurricular activities // i enjoy mexican food // i can drive a stick-shift // i believe in true love // i make up scenarios to fall asleep // i sing in the shower // i wish i lived in a video game // i have a canopy above my bed // i am multiracial // i am a redhead // i own at least three dogs

Ramblings: These are really random?? I don't have three dogs but I would like a life-like groundhog statue to put in my garden. My extracurricular activities involve doing whatever my friend is into at the moment. Lately it's been tennis but I've made a lot of excuses so I've managed to escape that so far. (I do have my tennis racquet ready though! so maybe one day!) Now he's into lawn bowls which I'm actually intrigued by so I'm going to go do that next week 🤔

No pressure tags (also fyi you don't need to do the ramblings, i just added that 😂 but if you do I will 100% read it) @myheartalivewrites @heybuddy-drabbles @suseagull04 @cultofsappho @celeritas2997 @14carrotghoul @read-and-write- @gwiazdziarka @purgingmyemotions + anyone else who wants to do this really random tag game LOL

#mae doesn't shut up #tag games #ok i'm done procrastinating

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fatedwithmbc · 2 years

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Embarrassments from this Weekend:

1. After trying every form of protein possibly on the market, I discovered it can make you very gassy. Not a problem if you’re not being social. Very BIG problem when you have an overnight at your romantic interests’ house. Thanks, Cancer, you slut.

2. I made a cake for my brother’s belated birthday dinner. The very first thing I stated was, “it’s flat”. The very first thing my brother said was, “it’s missing some height”.

3. Emotional posts on my social media accounts were abundant this weekend. Today marks 2 years since my Dad’s passing. I’m in full “grief” mode. It also makes me think about my own passing. I just keep thinking, I’m also Stage IV, I can’t have much time left… who knows.

4. Admitting to myself how much I missed, and actually crave physical touch from someone who cares about me. I mean hugs, spooning, holding hands; you know, PG-13, innocent PDA. It’s made me realize, you need to hug whoever you love. You need physical touch to feel loved; whether it’s a hug platonically, or a family member, or even romantically.

5. Confessing to “E” that he couldn’t buy a new Michigan hat because I already had — for him. Which in turn left me feeling as if I have put the cart before the horse. Is it too soon for gifts? I mean, his birthday is in 2 weeks and I am fully prepared, despite our lack of “status”. I care for him and this is how I’d behave for anyone I care for - and cutting the shit: I’m excited about where “we” could be headed.

Amazing Things from this Weekend:

1. Time with “E”. Seeing him in person definitely solidified things for me. We’re oddly comfortable around each other. We can be quiet without it being awkward. There’s banter. Which I love the most. His demeanor is serious, yet caring - hard and soft; a complete paradox that I somehow understand. We cuddled watching Unsolved Mysteries with “R” taking up the middle between us. We went to bed— and had deeply open conversations, like kids at a sleepover refusing to go to bed. Sleep finally came, and I could have stayed in the most intentional yet gentle embrace in his arms forever. I slept well, and without the aid of medicines for the first time in ages. He let me sleep later as he took care of “R”. I made his bed and readied to leave- but not before discussing plans to see each other soon. True gentleman that he is, he walked me out to my car, gave me the best hug in the world and said “Text me when you’re home”. That important line that means someone cares for you. I hope this continues to trend positively. We’ve not stopped talking since I left.

2. Celebrating my Brother; his happiness is my happiness. Knowing he loved his gifts, enjoyed the cake I made for him and is opening up with me again is more than I could ever ask for. I’ve missed him. We won’t ever be the same, but we’re healing and adapting. We’re making our family important.

3. Seeing my Nephew — including the best greeting: his smiling face and excited voice beaming “Asheley!” Our silly games, our hugs and our good-byes. All of it, with him, is special and precious to me.

4. Learning the Buttercream Frosting recipe from Mom-Mom

5. Selecting the flowers for Dad’s bouquet, ensuring the depth and meaning I am always looking for was accomplished. Red Roses - Love; White Roses - Loyalty; Amaranth - Admiration & Friendship.

6. A Georgia mug was added to my “You Are Here” collection from Starbucks; courtesy of my SIL and Brother.

7. Pep-talks from my amazing Bestie (also identifiable as “E”) really helped calm my nerves on Friday. And she is feeling better after having COVID. She’s in the top 3 of my biggest supporters/carers. I’m so glad I have a solid friendship to rely on and that makes me feel entirely supported.

8. I won $59 on random lottery winnings which coincided with Dad’s birth year on the day of his death date. It was a weird universe, coincidence thing. And I love those types of “signs”.

Random Ramblings:

MBC has totally stolen my appetite and desire for food. I’m dying from these daily protein in-take targets. “E” cares about my protein in-take. He asks about my goal and progress each day. Plant protein is very “dry”. “Whey” protein tastes awful. I have one item I bought that I have left to try. The bottom line is that I don’t know how I can force myself to eat. It’s so damn hard. Especially because once you haven’t eaten for awhile, not eating food seems natural.

I started feeling neuropathy, (thanks again, Cancer), for the first time since taking the Kisqali. It’s in my hand. Totally can’t feel the objects in my hand when I hold them (only periodically). It feels like pins and needles or like it’s “sleeping”.

I discovered a storefront that does Tarot Readings in a town nearby. I’m going this week since I’m on a forced LOA. Forced LOA definitely frees up ones’ calendar. I am super interested in how the reading will progress and what it will ultimately reveal. I also reached out to some relatives about a possible trip to NY state during my LOA.

I’m exhausted, but still not sleeping without the aid of pills.

I have a few appointments this week. Nothing major. No shots, no labs, no surgery.

I’m successfully avoiding the bathroom scale. But admittedly, I’ll weigh myself tomorrow.

The End.

Notifications: @kcco265

Font Key:

1. Headers

2. Cancer or MBC; My Nemisis

3. Author Tidbits/Wisdom

#fated with mbc #metastatic breast cancer #stage IV deserves more #confessions of a cancer patient #grieving adult child #grief journey #I have a crush

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mademoisellesarcasme · 4 years

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Dear everyone who’s friends with me,

I am That Guy Who’s Way Too Productive in Quarantine. I’ve baked four loaves of bread and intend to bake many more. I knit four hats for my baby niece and am a solid chunk of the way through a pair of slipper socks for myself. I made one whole quilt block in the early days, two different styles of face mask (one for myself, one for my husband), and have been fighting nagging and sometimes-debilitating back pain. I read four books (one for pay, three as Being A Good Beta Reader), ordered two sets of business cards and already had to re-design one of them. I’ve done research on website builders and started work on a brand-new portfolio of cover designs (which is, of course, going to involve a lot of work of Actual Cover Designs that I need to make, but I started that).

Additionally, I’ve hung out with Husband a lot, watched a LOT of TV, gotten full nights of sleep almost every night, cooked at least one elaborate meal a week, and run more than a few necessary errands (for our household and for my SIL and her husband who are still getting the hang of parenting a newborn in the midst of a global pandemic).

And you know what? I’m not sorry. I’m loving this. It hurts -- so much! -- that I don’t have regular access to the Sacraments, and that public Masses have been suspended. I also miss being able to have people over, since I’m basically baking for a small army. But everything else is kind of amazing. I realise this is coming from a place of privilege -- I’m a salaried teacher, so I’m not getting furloughed or laid off -- but at the same time, I’m really enjoying the ability to spend my own time.

So if you, any of my friends, are finding yourselves in similar situations: maybe it’s time we figured out a way for you to be in charge of your own time, because this is Actual Human Flourishing.

I’ll see you on the other side, and I hope to show you all my quilt.

Love, M.Sarc

#a day in the life of mlle sarcasme #just kind of musing #feel free to ignore this long letter #i'm not trying to brag or anything i'm just really truly at peace for the first time in a long time #and i'm trying to share the love and maybe inspiration if anyone else has been feeling the urges #but positive urges and not Pressure

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thepilgrimofwar · 4 years

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Bladeborn

As the House Guards of Emberheart carried bodies from the manor, the boy ruler made his way towards the guest rooms. With a trembling hand, he made his way past the fireplace, where Zarannis stared into the hearthfire. Stenden thought best not to disturb her. He then made his way to one of the other guest rooms, where Vaelrin was plying himself with what alcohol he had gathered- and been given by Zarannis. The boy bowed his head and moved past that room, until he came upon another occupied room. Inhabited by one who would possibly be in a better mind to speak to- Especially when it came with the gravity of the request he was about to make.

Stenden knocked and the knock on the door caught the youth inside by surprise.

Vissehn grabbed for his tunic, tugging it on over the bindings at his chest, grumbling to himself. He had planned on a bath, to wash the blood off, but it had taken the better part of an hour to find a place that fit his very specific and paranoid needs. He doubted that the servants to the Emberhearts would race to tell the tel’dorei that the towheaded fighter didn’t seem as male under the cloth as he looked, but he also couldn’t cross off the possibility.

And with the Oracle damned and dead, it was more obvious than ever that he had to keep his shit under wraps-- literally, and figuratively, as it were.

Ruffling his birdsnest of pale hair, he went to the door, buckling his belt even as he looked over… the boy lord of the manor.

“Aw, fuck.” He sighed. “Am I gettin’ kicked out? You don’t gotta be all polite about it, I figured I might.” He looked Stenden up and down, a twinge of sympathy threading through him. He really did look like his uncle. More so than his father, really; there was a serious determination to his brow that was all Sederis, and not Solli-the-stick-in-the-mud. “Just let me get my shit together, kid-- er, m’lord? Fuck, yer a kid, right?”

Stenden tucked his trembling hand behind his back and spoke with a bemused smile. “You’re not getting kicked out. In fact, you’re an honored guest of the family- So-” he gestured at his unkempt appearance- A hastily draped tunic and a half buckled belt. “Don’t- worry about- all that-”

The Lord of the Emberglades suppressed the urge to laugh, doing his best to keep up the airs of nobility in the face of someone so close to his age. It was the first moment of levity he had had all day.

“But I am here to make a request, so, may I come in?”

The smile on the other lad looked about as thin as the years between them, and so it was easy to reply. “Hey, yeah, come on in. It’s yer house, really, I’m just soilin’ your sheets yanno?” He snorted awkwardly and moved out of the way to let the young lord enter.

The room was, despite Vissehn’s claim, incredibly neat, as though no one had been in the space at all. Only the sheets looked mussed, and a chair brought near the window. The window was, however, open-- and there were definite signs that the youth had been gallivanting out on the rooftops and beyond, in the form of a curtain shoved into the lock, and mud on the edge of the sil.

Drawing the chair back to the table quick as a flash, Viss sat in it backward and patted the table. “Go on, take a seat.” His eyes flicked over Stenden’s features. He felt the question on his lips-- but it seemed too unkind to ask, too fresh. He would likely be asked by so many others, if this was his first taste of war, if these were the first deaths he bore witness to.

Vissehn knew the weight of those questions. He wouldn’t add to it.

“So, whatcha comin’ in for, if not to toss me out on my ass? Not that any’d blame you, really. We’re all just lucky I got a fleabath before they let me in here.” He jibed, leaning his chin on his crossed forearms on the back of the chair.

Stenden stepped inside, noted the window and the associated shenanigans, and tried his best to ignore it. He took a seat, also ignoring the mud he had been tracking into the room. The servants were not going to be happy about this. The smile turned to a stifled snort.

“Lirelle said I had the finest warriors in the Kingdom, all gathered here. I will admit Mr.Bladeborn, that you don’t look the part.” By the sounds of those words coming out of his mouth, it didn’t sound the part either. “Can I just call you Vissehn?”

“Gods, anything but Mister Bladeborn, I think Sederis called me that once and I almost popped a vessel from either laughin’ or hurling.” He snorted and ruffled his hair further, just to have something to do with his hands. “An’ Lirelle’s kind, for a dead scary woman. I’m more used to bein’ a courier.” He waggled his brows at Stenden. “Gets me in a lot of doors, and no one tends to think much about the post-person.”

Still he leaaaaaned sideways, looking over Stenden. “You don’t look much like a lord, neither, but I ain’t casting aspersions.” He drew out the last word, obviously having read it without hearing it much. “Got your mothers’ complexion and your uncle’s brow, but I got a feeling you get a fair portion of your father’s smarts. So!” He sat up and clapped. “Call me Vissehn, I’ll call you Stenden, and we’ll forget that neither of us looks the parts we’re bout to play, huh?”

“Deal,” Stenden extended his hand to shake on it.

Vissehn spat in his palm and shook with the young Lord. "Ceremonial, rightly so." The sparkle in his eyes showed it really wasn't but honestly that was far from the worst fluid they'd gotten on them that day.

The boy took his hand and shook, firm, joining him in the ritual of mutual nastiness. They were now partners- Not quite like blood-brothers- More like… Spit-brothers. Luckily for Stenden, this hadn’t been his first encounter to the ritual. Unlike Sederis who did not have a childhood shared with the low-borns of the realm, Stenden had spent many a time playing with the children at Dawnveil.

“I’ll be brief Vissehn. The Emberglades are going to war. I don’t know who my friends are. I don’t know if I’ll win this. But if I can borrow your strength, I can promise you that you’ll have a place here in the Heartlands.” Stenden spoke, with a mix of gravity and levity that was absent earlier. “If this war isn’t for you, I could still have you do be a courier.”

The firm handshake brought a smile to Vissehn’s features, something a shade softer. The kid was alright. He resisted the urge to ruffle Stenden’s hair, some deep-seated place of affection stirred by Stenden’s untimely burdens.

“I’m good for it.” He released Stenden’s hand and resumed leaning with his chest to the chair’s front. “I’ve gotten a fair hand at killin’ things now, which says summat I’m sure, but I’d rather it be for a cause than not for one.” He reached blindly to the table and-- after a pat or three-- found what he sought; a bottle of the local brew, which had been forgotten in his haste to attend the funeral and then the subsequent difficulty of bath-locating.

He took a long pull, pulled a face and put the bottle down. “Now. Before you sign off on your pretty friend Fish being a soldierboy, I got a counteroffer.” He had swept the room for enchantments minutes before the lordling entered, and he felt like the news he was about to share was less sensitive even than his gender.

“I did courier work, yeah, for the Sunguard and the Hawks and all. I also did good behind, let’s say, enemy lines. Got papers where they needed to go… and stopped a few too.” He waggled a brow. “I got a few friends I can reach out to, sees what I can pull, maybe get some of those friends where they’ll do some good in Ilithia, it was called, right?”

He paused. “Now. I’m not doing this cause I’m a sufferin’ saint, like half of yer uncles friends… nor am I a wardog like the other half, though I could be in a few years. I’m a survivor.” He leaned forward in the chair so he met Stenden’s eyes. “I got red in my ledger I plan to make black. Your uncle did right by me and mine… more than I can say.” A flush crept up the youths face, and he needed to look away, at the dark glass of the bottle. “So this is payment back. Whatever you wanna offer, you offer, but know I’d let ye piss on my name and call me curr and I’d still do this cause of Sederis.”

Stenden took in this information with great interest. If the Emberglades did not have the strength to win this war by force, an agent- Another agent- would do well to turn the tides of battle. Besides, while his father had an agent in the form of former Logistics Offier Beathyn Val’cinder, the Lord of the Emberglades figured that it would be prudent to have an agent of his own.

“You know, our coffers are likely to be empty of coin for awhiles yet but...” he began leaning forward to meet the boy’s gaze opposite him. “When this war is over, there are a few Lords that are likely to be removed and their lands will need to be… Shall-we-say, redistributed.” The Lord of the Emberglades broke into an unexpected grin. Playing to his new friend’s… Shall-we-say, hobo-ness, Stenden spoke up with a lilt.

“What would you say to a house?” He let the suggestion sink in for a moment before playfully rubbing his chin. “Wait- Maybe a field- Some land perhaps? But the maintenance of those will put you deeper into the red… So some farmhands?” Stenden clapped his hands together. “What say you, to a minor title? Yes! Be an agent on my behalf and you’ll have yourself a farmstead and peasants of your own to boot.”

The young man listened, watching the way levity made Stenden seem his age at last. The immediate rancor he typically felt when discussing the landed was therefore muted by the warmth he had for the other youth, and so when he spoke it was kindly.

“Oy, that’s a hell of an offer there, but not the first I’ve garnered.” He waggled his brows. “I’m not exactly the type yon good-and-true elves of the land are gonna tip hats to.” He flicked hair away from his short and honestly stubby ears. Tracing the edge with one finger, Vissehn’s voice went a shade softer. “I’m a mutt, through and through. I don’t need land or titles, but if’n you can sort some of those means and ends towards improving the livelihood of your less fortunates… specially those who don’t put down roots, well, I’ll have done my square part on looking after my fellows.”

He smiled then, a subdued thing that brought the softness of certain parts of his face into stark relief with the wild and fae mien he typically wore. “There’s a whole passel of mutts like me who need someplace to wander. If your borders’ll be open to ‘em, I’d consider it a way to bring all that black and red into some kind of balance.”

If Stenden was looking his age, Vissehn was not keeping his cover very well around the other no-longer-a-child.

“If you want a reason for me to be stickin’ around after alls said and done, just lemme know. I’m a roustabout by nature but I could see cooling my heels here, near the Dawnbrooks an’ the Emberhearts. I’m a fair courier, fair in a fight, and got some unfinished business here abouts that would be easier to accomplish if I had a place, but say… not necessarily landed or well known.” He shrugged and leaned back so his elbows rested on the chairback, one leg bouncing.

“Ah,” Steden verbalized when he caught sight of Vissehn’s ears. It’d have been fine with him, perhaps, but the average peasant? The crown? He didn’t believe that giving out such a gift would go down well with either. “I can do borders. The Broken Bulwark will need resettling and I feel like a more… Accepting sorts are likely to resettle those broken lands.”

But he smiled again. “So that settles it then, and I’ve got myself my very own agent.” In lighter times without the same gravity upon them, he supposed his first task that he’d give his new friend would be to harmlessly prank his father in some way. But war was upon them, and the reality of the situation began to weigh on him once more.

“Glad to have you aboard Vissehn. Now about the help you said you could get me…”

Quickly spinning the chair back towards the table, Vissehn dropped onto one knee. “Naw, Stenden, we’re gonna do this official like.” He looked over the table and grabbed a quill, and shoved it into the young lord’s hands.

He clasped his own around Stenden’s a moment, serious eyes despite his grin. “Induct me into yer service, Lord Emberheart, an’ I’ll serve ye loyal in any capacity I might for as long as you do good by the Tel’dorei. I might be a bastard and a halfbreed and a dirty spy, but I’m good as my oaths and you’ll want to make this… deal.” The word makes his smile turn bitter but it remains intact, as his hands remain on Stenden’s.

Stenden wiped his hand on his shirt and cleared his throat, getting back into character. Rising to his feet, he tried his best to dull the smile on his face to something more regal, but a hint of it remained. He grasp a nearby parchment and started to pen the terms described in curls of cursive, and ensured that mentions of open borders to the boy’s people were included- Emphasized even.

Because the boy, despite his adherence to the traditions of his station and his land, did not just want to maintain what came before. But to build a better realm. Something that his uncle wanted, but could never achieve.

“I, Lord Emberheart, hereby induct you into the service of my family.” He states as he signs off on the document. He hands it over to him, and as a symbolic gesture, offers his hand to Vissehn. No titles. No absurd formalities past what was required.

Art by CD Projekt Red

@retributionpriest @stormandozone

#Epilogue #Funerals #Aftermath

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halfofxerxes · 5 years

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Tonight though, an adult (a teenager?), someone anyway has crawled into his bed to spend the night. If he was more awake, there would be no confusion on who it was, but all his children were familiar to him and it didn't really matter beyond that. He folds them into his arms, quickly returning to sleep.

There's the vaguest feeling feeling of being talked at, and he hums slightly, trying to focus on what the words are being said. The child repeats themself, but it doesn't make anymore sense than it did in the beginning.

"...Dad…" Alphpnse says, speaking in Amestrian now, "Don't tell me you can't hear languages when you're asleep."

"You have an accent that obscures your words." Van mumbles, "I'm tired."

"Don't blame this on me, I'm trying." Al grumps, "How do you comfort the younger children?"

"During summer they go to Sil." Van explains,"I usually deal with the daytime problems, Sil's usually awake or a relief from the heat."

"He really does remind me a lot of Mom." Alphonse admits, "How caring he is to everyone, I mean. He's very kind."

"He likes to be kind." Van muses, "He was very isolated from everyone around him, and his guilt prevented him from reaching out, and now he has so much care he wants to give."

"Mm." Alphonse doesn't have a comment to that, instead getting more comfortable in his father's arms.

Van is about to fall asleep again, when Alphonse starts chirping at him again. He has to shake himself to stay up, letting out a long breath.

"Do you get scared?" Alphonse asks, "I mean… Scared about things that happened a long time ago?"

"Yeah." Van says, "All the time. It's not even guilt all the time, or sadness."

"...Is it normal to feel like this?"

That hits him. His eyes open, and he glances over to Sil's bed, seeing his husband is listening, though pretending to rest, for Alphonse's sake. He's sure that if Sil feels the need to interject, he will do so, but for now leaves it to Van.

"... For what happened to you? Absolutely." Van says, "Sometimes things hurt so badly the pain doesn't stop, or you convince yourself that the reason it does is because it's waiting around the corner for you."

"Can you read minds?" Alphonse asks, something in his tone catching in his father's ear.

"Al…" Van says slowly, rubbing his thumb across the back of his son's neck slowly, "Are you high?"

It occurs to him that he doesn't know if he's had a conversation with Alphonse about how some of the recreational drugs that he and Sil keep, such as the pot and some of their alcohol have an adverse effect not seen in the other adults on him, when taken in the wrong doses. He's about to go into it, but Alphonse shakes his head.

"No, Dad." He says dutifully, "It's just… that's exactly how it feels. Like I'll turn the corner and he'll be there. Or if I fall asleep I'll wake up to find I never really left, or I'm still in the armor and I can't really feel things properly, like I'm not really here and this body isn't mine--"

Al's distress is growing, and Van squeezes him tightly, soothing him as best he can, rocking him as if he were a little child.

"I know." Van finds himself saying, "I know, Al. I know."

It's true, he does know. He'd never dare say this to Sil, but the fact that he has an aura that leaks light into the room, keeping it from being dark has helped him many a night when he had expected to wake up in a confined, dark space, awaiting water to flood in and fill his nose and ears.

He knows that this desperate energy that Alphonse is expressing right now would have lead to a fight between them had Van displayed any tension at all, even well intending. It's not Al's fault, that desperation of feeling helpless reaches out and snaps wildly at anything that can give it a release, to ease it into anything that doesn't feel like acidic poison poured directly into his veins.

"Could you tell me?" Al pleads with him, "Please? Do you really know what it's like?"

Van falls still, not exactly uneasy, but offset by the request. Can he really share that with Alphonse? Would it be right to do so?

Would it cause more harm than good?

"I was born into it." He says finally, "It wasn't a shock to me when it started, because it never started. What was unexpected to me was it ending, and realizing that the world was so much bigger than I thought. That there was more than being in agony all the time, and yet… the absence of the agony felt more poignant and impactful than it being present."

"Like it is supposed to be there." Alphonse says quietly.

Van nods.

"I feel like it was a mistake that got me out of that life." Van says quietly, "I'm still waiting for someone to grab me and make me go back. I keep telling myself that I wouldn't go back, that I'd fight it, but… At the same time, the idea that I'd have to stop worrying about it seems morbidly relaxing. It's the worse thing I can imagine… which makes it devastating for me when other, greater bad things happen."

"Like Mom dying?" Alphonse asks, "Like being unable to stop the Dwarf?"

"Yeah." Van admits, "I had a vague notion about failing with the Dwarf, but the death of your mother, and everyone else was… inconceivable. I couldn't conceptualize you or your brother's death. Edward's death is still something that devastates me, sometimes I'm holding his body while I'm very clearly doing something else. It's like I never actually left that moment."

"I know what you mean." Al says quietly, "I have… so many moments like that, Dad. All the time. No matter where I am. The- the… when I was intimate, I was so upset, Dad. I wanted so badly to be with her, but I couldn't even focus on her, and all these awful things were running through my mind, and then it was over."

With how heavy those words feel, Van suspects that this is the reason why Alphonse had sought him out this evening.

"Do you remember how much of a mess you were when you met Sil?" Van asks quietly, "You were so mean to him."

"I know. I'm sorry." Alphonse says, "I'm so sorry. I don't even know why I do it, it's like I trip into something and I can't stop until it's done. I didn't use to be like this, Dad. I used to be able to control my actions, all the way through something."

He's an adult, Van. Sil has said that to him several times, usually exasperated at the latest thing Alphonse has pulled out of his hat, he's been alive long enough to recognise the impact of his actions.

So have I. Van had said, and there are still foolish things I do despite not wanting to do them.

It's different with you. I know why you do it.

Alphonse doesn't talk much about his life with the Dwarf, at least not to him. He tries to hide a lot of it, trying to move on and move past it, going to Sil rather than him.

He wonders if Sil had ever known that Alphonse had been convinced once, that Sil had wanted to send him back rather than try to deal with him. He closes his eyes, that old pain rushing back to the pit of his belly.

The pain of having the two people he loved for the longest amount of time convinced that the other hated them so much. To know that this nastiness isn't fading into memory, only waiting for a new situation to appear.

"She left me, you know. Their mother." Al says quietly, "One day she was chatting with me as always, and the next she was talking to someone else. We had been talking… well, I had been talking about what I wanted to do, and the next day she moved into someone else's house without even saying goodbye to me. I wasn't mean to her, Dad. I didn't want her to go. She seemed happy with me."

"Alphonse…" Van says slowly, not sure what he wants to say, "Look…"

"I didn't even tell at her when she sold the orb."

Orb?

The communicator orb thing? The one that Sil was complaining about being activated?

"I thought you said you lost it." Van prompts, trying to get the full story.

"I did, but then I found it, with her help." Al explains, "She- uh…"

Alphonse falls quiet, and Van starts thinking. So help him, he can't be right about what he's thinking.

"She wouldn't have happened to become pregnant in the time you spend searching, would she?" Van asks, trying to sound casual.

"Uh, yeah, actually." Al says, "How'd you know?"

"Call it father's intuition."

That explains why the word of the 'miracle' spread so quickly, Alphonse had been scammed. Of course he didn't know that for sure but--

"Only a few days after she gave birth I heard them overtaking about golden eyes and how they could use this to, I dunno, unite the dunmer or something? I got scared I guess but the next thing I know is I'm on a boat with my twins."

"You wouldn't have happened to tell anyone who the orb connected to, would you?" Van asks.

"Uh."

A long silence.

"I'm sorry."

That's something Sil's going to have to bring up later with Alphonse. Van doesn't want to imply that it is okay, but also doesn't want to guilt Al for being strung along by what he personally thinks was a con artist. Especially not when Alphonse is feeling so stupid already. It's no wonder that Alphonse has been so sensitive, being set up and manipulated…

Though… he would rather talk about it with Sil before coming to a conclusion. He opens his eyes, glancing over to his partner, catching a glint of red in return.

"Why do you guys have separate beds?" Alphonse asks, trying to change the topic. "I mean… why not have one big bed?"

"Sil's bed is big enough for the both of us and then some." Van says, "But it's still his. Sometimes it's hard to share, we'll be a little upset or I want to be warm, or I can't bear to be next to someone for the night. It also feels better to have a place that I can have to my own, even when I want to be close to him. It's very kind, I think, that he doesn't insist I have to sleep away from him if I can't sleep by his side."

"Oh."

"If that's everything, can I go back to sleep?" Van asks, "I am very tired."

"Oh… sure." Al says, "I didn't realize I was keeping you up."

"Yeah, that's because you haven't been thinking with your brain for a while." Van grumbles, "Now shut up and go to sleep."

#v. rusted worlds #this is set after the twins (tm) are a thing #this is like... a random list of headcanons poured into a drabble #so yeah anyway

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deancodedcastielenby · 2 years

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Supernatural Season 1 First Watch

So I started this on my other Tumblr, but can't remember the password... and I can't remember if we watched this one or NOT so we started here because my friend remembered the last one we watched was: "The rascist Truck." If you aren't familiar with this from @puffprinc3ss ... my bestie wis watching Supernatural for the FIRST time, with me on Discord... we are on 01X14 here and these are his thoughts. "Does that mean Sam constantly has a Vibe check going on?" "I'm in me mum's caaaa, Vroom Vroom." "He looks like a George." "Is it not normal for your garage to close? OOOp, NO NO! This is why you need a prius!" "GEORGE! GEORGE!" "that is such a scary way to die, although It wouldn't be like that it's odorless and tasteless..." "COME ON GET IT! NO GEORGINA!" "OH HE DEAD DEAD." "Yo, that was a vibe check." "mmmh hmm..." "Awee you're too late! its Ni-ni time for Georgina. She's a paperweight." "Not the big sewer-slide! OH MA'AM NOT YOU CORRECTING YOURSELF SEEMED> THAT IS NOT A VIBE>" "Do you hear her talking all this shit? OOOH! I knew he was married." "Oh he's pissed, I'm sorry sweetie." horrible texas accent "Should have hit the gas pedal harder Dean." "Roll credits" "You just gotta find the right costume in the trunk! These guys wear like seven hats." "OH MY GAWD NO. Is this when they.... high pitched squeak" "Yeah Roger WTF, bitter ass." "Is that an empty cassorole with cling wrap on it? HOLD ON GO BACK. THAT WAS EMPTY." "wait why do i recognize him? He kinda looks like...." "That w**re is LYING." "Gotta put the nintendo DS away, mom's coming." "here we have final destination... WE NEED TO GET OFF THIS TRAIN." "OH NO! That's Rodger, Roger please! WATCH THE FINGIES." "OOOH He's got that 7 -11 sushi! Oh do you think he took weenies from the funeral?"

"Watch the fingies! OH NO Who does that? " "Roger Miller... Double ER." "Is it a full leather interior..? It's giving Suede vibes." (Talking about Baby) "PEROIDT. What do you mean its never been Us? Its always been you? Your mum was like that weird fire angle thingy.... ooop." "Look at that with the upside down camera angles..." "Bottom powers activate" (The essential phrase when Dean [but this time Sam] kicks open a door) "Oooh you heard the slice." "Roger cold cuts! Oh lord.... wait where'd the head go? Also how sharp is the window sil that can decapitate a head? Is it like a security system or something?" "You've been HEXXED" "Hexed shit family, the new Dead by Daylight family." "They are being hexxed by crawling in my skin kid. SOMEBODY GET THAT TOTEM." Really bad Karaoke of Crawling in my Skin "Dean has SUCH nice lips. Do you think he got 'em done? Or are they real?" "I love that Dean has like Princess lips, and Sam has like the illusion of lips... he has LaCroix lips." "Oh I thought that was a Make America Great Again hat.... I am scared. But its not." "Try making those party wieners now B*tch." "You were gonna mewrder hur. You Monsta" "Damn butterfingers... ooope, there goes the concussion." "That B*tch head." "Did Georgina deserve it? Maybe ... but this is sad." "You gave a fing teenager the power to move shit with his mind, and he thinks he rules the world." "Oh its givin stranger things Eleven powers." "Not the spin, don't do that." "F YOU FOR THE FAKE OUT! WOOOOW SARAH WOOOOOOW." "Ooh, he moved that shit with his mind." "Maximillion...." "This is one of the sadder ones."

#01x14 #supernatural #Besties first watch through #Georgina deff did deserve it though #DEAN HAS PRINCESS LIPS #I'M DEAD #Supernatural Season 1 #nightmare

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little-owly · 7 years

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AAAAAA LITTLE BIM IS MY FAVORITE SORRY THIS IS JUMBLED AND UNEDITED ANON AAAAAA also thank u!! glad you like my little old blog :D -he wears a space onesie or plain footie pajamas with tiny otters on them!! he switched regularly between diapers and pull ups. -little bim adores attention. he'll do his best to get it, by being good, by drawing pictures, even doing adorable stuff like playing with his feet or babbling to himself. -he loves playing dress up. he crawls into his big's closet and tries on every top, hat, coat, anything his hands can get ahold of. -little bim is a crybaby. a huge crybaby. not getting enough attention? cry. hungry for two seconds? cry. can't find your paci even though daddy took it away to be washed off? cry. -he usually calms down from his crying fits by being rocked. the gentle swaying and being so close to his caregiver's heartbeat is enough to help him settle down to the happy baby he was. -little bim can be distracted for hours with drawing and coloring, sticking his tongue out as he tries his best to stay in the lines. -he's usually always happy. giggling about something, babbling and playing nicely -- just as long as he has eyes on him or someone tells him what a good boy he is!! with the egos: -with wilford, he's a bit more "big boy" ish. wearing pull ups and helping out when he can. using sippy cups and cleaning up his toys. all because he wants to impress wilford both in and out of headspace. he likes wilford because they'll be silly and play dress up with all the cool clothes wilford has!! -with dark, bim is more careful. sucking on his paci and clinging to dark's pant legs as dark reads him a story. dark praising him by kissing the top of his head followed with a "you're such a good little one." he likes dark because dark gives him sweets like lolipops when he's been extra good!! -with google, things are...definitely different. google has a program he boots up when bim is little. babying him, burping him after drinks, cooing over him every second, changing him into the fluffiest diapers. he likes google because he constantly compliments him -- and that makes him a blushy baby!! -with dr. ip//lier, bim feels a good type of helpless. the doctor keeping him away from sharp objects in his office or explaining to him why its important he doesn't eat too many sweets. even setting bim up in the corner of his office with toys and a baby gate. he likes the doctor because he always keeps a close eye on him and teaches him neat stuff in a simple way!! -with sil//ver shep//pard, bim feels protected. silver will take off his mask and gloves just for him. cooing down at him, "you're a cute little baby, arent you?" before kissing his nose or giving him a piggyback ride to pretend hes a hero too. he likes silver because he's so protective of him -- constantly scooping him up from anything risky or harmful!! -with ed, things are warm and cozy. ed taking time to make sure it's snug in a blankie before holding him in his lap. bottle feeding him as he squirms happily in the blankie. laying on his back when ed has to get something and playing with his feet because ed finds it adorable. he likes ed because ed gets really cuddly when its bed time, "rest up, little one. daddy's got ya."!! -with yande//rep//lier, things are more of a babysitter-toddler situation then a baby. bim playing with all his toys and showing yan each on. yan actually listening to him and encouraging him to play/draw/play dress up. "aww, what's this plushie's name, bim?" he likes yan because they'll always let him stay up past his bedtime and even give them yummy meals like pizza!! -with the ho//st, everything's perfect. the ho//st lets bim cuddle up under his long coat. he tells bim the best bedtime stories, he's super affectionate with him -- pressing sweet kisses to bim's temple. he always knows what bim wants or needs even before bim does -- grabbing a bottle for him, changing him, even when he lets out the tiniest sniffle, he'll come over and rock him. the ho//st always gives genuine compliments and praise, "you sound so adorable today, darling." "i can feel that you finished the puzzle, what a great job!! papa's so proud of you," and "i love you very much, darling. more than you'll ever know." bim likes the ho//st very much. especially when he runs his hand through his hair while cradled in his lap. the host, his papa, creating a brand new bedtime story just for him. ((can you tell i love bim/the host c much lmao))

#owlys queue #abdliplier #i...........love bim s o much #headcanons

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