#also imagine he still goes on night hunts with the juniors and laughs as they make him stand farrr back | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

gusu-emilu · 3 years

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scattered (Jiang Cheng / Wen Ning)

Jiang Cheng pays a late night visit to Wen Ning's apothecary and convinces him to take a break from work.

Rated T, Established Relationship Fluff, feat. chengning being dorks and jc getting pinned to the floor

read on AO3 above or on Tumblr below

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Wen Ning has lost track of how long he has been working in the apothecary today, sifting through a list of the medicine stocks that could use a buffer and creating new batches of each remedy. It's peaceful work. Familiar, repetitive motions and calculations that calm his mind.

His techniques have been improving with each new medicine he makes, his hands steadier and his anxieties calmer as he imagines Jiejie's instructions in the back of his mind, correcting his mistakes before they happen. He once depended on her guidance to make the simplest remedy. Now he has memorized medicines she once invented herself. Working as a healer in Lotus Pier has given him plenty of practice to reach this point in his medical skills.

Although, today the recipes’ details have been slipping from his mind more than he would like. It’s not a problem, though. Some days will be better than others. Today happens to be a day during which his thoughts are a bit hazy.

His apothecary is small and modest and a bit secluded, leaving him more comfortable to spend long stretches of time working here. It occupies its own pocket of Lotus Pier, surrounded by herb gardens, and always quiet enough for Wen Ning to focus on his work.

Now that night has fallen, it is especially silent. The only sounds in his shop are gentle noises of brewing and tapping and sealing, his work chattering back and forth with the crickets and frogs in the garden outside.

He wonders how many of these medicines could have an effect on him. His body barely responds to anything he eats or drinks anymore, although he can sometimes taste or smell very strong flavors. As he packages another finished batch of medicine, he almost laughs to himself at the memory of when he ate an entire chili pepper in front of a group of young Jiang disciples in the market. The juniors had been so amazed that they bought a whole basket of chili peppers for him just to see how many he could eat, giggling and cheering him on. Wen Ning never thought he could entertain others just by eating, especially after he was dead, but he had welcomed the opportunity to make a few new friends among the junior disciples. One of them even stops by to visit the apothecary now and then.

Some of these medicines do taste very strong, and very bad, but Wen Ning would not waste a drop just to test if he can taste how disgusting they are. Others will need the remedies one day. What interests Wen Ning more is if the sleeping draughts can still make him sleep, or if the cough remedies can smooth his throat, and so on. Since he has no need for medicine anymore, he has never tried to use it. Alcohol does have a miniscule effect on him if he drinks more than he ever could have stomached while alive, as he learned at the somewhat prickly encouragement of Jiang Wanyin, so maybe...

Well, he is not going to eat his own medicine stocks. Perhaps he'll try if one of the bottles goes bad. See what happens. Wouldn't harm him, at least, and Wei-gongzi would probably be very intrigued by the results.

Reigning in his attention back to his task—good thing his mind wasn't wandering during an important step—Wen Ning finishes sealing the medicine package and crosses off another line from his list. He scans the rest of what he's written, wondering how many batches he can start before the sun rises.

His gaze settles on a potion to dispel the effects of a curse from the body. The current stores of it are well-stocked, but Jiang Wanyin did just get a curse wound on a night hunt a few weeks ago. It could happen again. For the next few days after that, Wen Ning had personally administered the medicine to Jiang Wanyin, rubbing it into the gash on his back...

Focusing. Wen Ning is focusing on apothecary work. He has always been prone to his thoughts strolling away on journeys of their own, but tonight seems especially bad. He reads over his list again, then another time, and another time, and realizes he can only remember half of what's written. His mind really is foggy tonight.

The next thing he brews should be simple, then, in case his lack of focus starts to cause some damage. The simplest medicine left on the list would be—

The front door opens.

Blue moonlight curves around a silhouette in the doorway that Wen Ning recognizes well. A tingle of anticipation and fondness runs through him.

It truly must be late if Jiang Wanyin has left his office and come to visit. Jiang Wanyin usually works into the night so he has more time during the day to supervise his disciples' training and take care of sect matters in person rather than sending a representative. Wen Ning admires him for his devotion to his clan, but it also means that Wen Ning has to interfere and step into Jiang Wanyin’s office late at night to convince him to sleep.

So what has brought Jiang Wanyin to the apothecary? With a pang of guilt, Wen Ning wonders if Jiang Wanyin has been having more trouble sleeping than usual lately. Did Wen Ning fail to notice? Should he have brought him medicine tonight to help?

Without a word, Jiang Wanyin closes the door and approaches the table where Wen Ning has been holding his list up to the lantern light, still undecided about which medicine would be the simplest to make. It doesn't seem that the decision will come easily now.

He looks up at Jiang Wanyin, studying how his hair ornament is simpler than usual, how his posture is relaxed yet his eyes have a chiding hardness in them, and tries to piece these observations together into the reason for Jiang Wanyin's visit.

Brow slightly furrowed, Jiang Wanyin glances around the room, then asks, “Are you in the middle of anything right now?"

"No. I just finished a batch."

That seems to appease some complaint Jiang Wanyin might have had, his jaw relaxing and eyes softening. "Good."

Before Wen Ning can ask anything, Jiang Wanyin circles around Wen Ning's desk, sits behind him, and wraps his arms around him, pulling him away from the table. He rests his chin on Wen Ning's shoulder, his hair brushing Wen Ning's ear.

Warmth trickles into Wen Ning. Like all sensations, it comes delayed, flowing in gradually like a growing echo of Jiang Wanyin's arms winding around him, the rise and fall of Jiang Wanyin’s breath against his back, and his cheek finding the exposed skin on Wen Ning's neck to rest on. It's still strange to experience touch this way, but Wen Ning has started to like it—a way to savor Jiang Wanyin's embrace as its effects enter him in small waves.

"Wanyin, wh—"

Three fingers cover Wen Ning's mouth before he can say more. They remain there for a few moments, then lift for one finger to trace along Wen Ning's lower lip, another along his chin.

"Do you have a grievance to air?" Jiang Wanyin asks, a hint of teasing in his voice.

"I don't," Wen Ning replies as Jiang Wanyin strokes his lower lip again.

"Very well," Jiang Wanyin says. "I do. How long have you been working?"

Wen Ning leans back into him. "How long have you?"

That earns him another silencing press to his lips. "I'm asking the questions right now," Jiang Wanyin says. Wen Ning can guess why he doesn't want to answer.

Unable to speak and in no hurry to remove Jiang Wanyin's hand, Wen Ning simply hums and nods in compliance. He considers licking Jiang Wanyin's fingers, just to protest a bit, but the thought comes too late and the hand settles back around his midriff.

"I'm not sure how long," Wen Ning replies.

Jiang Wanyin lifts his chin from Wen Ning's shoulder and pokes the back of his neck. "Lack of specificity," he drones like he's calling out a crime before a court. "I don't tolerate disregard for detail in my sect. What is the cause of this?"

Wen Ning holds up the list of medicines to eye level for Jiang Wanyin to see. "All of my specificity went into these."

Jiang Wanyin takes the paper, then unravels himself from Wen Ning and steals it away. Looking over his shoulder, Wen Ning watches him carefully fold the paper until he reaches forward to gently turn Wen Ning's face away.

A few more sounds of folding paper, then Jiang Wanyin's arms slip back around him. Wen Ning finds himself disappointed that he is held more loosely this time, although the warmth isn't any lessened.

"You've seemed scattered lately," Jiang Wanyin says, suddenly serious. Perhaps a bit angry, too, but he often sounds like that.

"I have?"

"When you mix up the addresses of your letters to the juniors three times in one week, I think it's fair to say you seem scattered." Jiang Wanyin rubs Wen Ning's shoulder and down his arm. "You should rest more! Have you even come close to running out of the medicines on that list yet?"

"Don't worry about me." Wen Ning finds Jiang Wanyin's hand and halts its path up his arm. "You know that I don't need sleep. I even have time to start a few more batches before sunrise."

In one rapid motion, Jiang Wanyin tugs his hand out from under Wen Ning's and lightly smacks down on it, reversing their position and holding tight. "No new batches. Your mind needs to rest."

A wry smile tugs at the corners of Wen Ning's mouth. "What if I start a new batch anyway?"

"Then I crack your skull open." When Wen Ning just laughs, Jiang Wanyin pulls him in even tighter, digging his fingers into Wen Ning's sides. “You have no choice, anyway. I'm holding you captive."

Wen Ning raises his eyebrows and turns his face toward Jiang Wanyin. "Hold me captive? Can you?"

Both of them know that Wen Ning could easily break free, but Jiang Wanyin answers gruffly, "Your mind is so worn out that you have forgotten what I'm capable of."

"It sounds like Sandu Shengshou came here for a battle."

"No, but it sounds like the Ghost General is eager to fight."

"You can have the advantage," Wen Ning says. "I'll let you strike first."

He expects that to earn an offended crackle from Zidian, sending a tingle up his chest, but when he looks down at Jiang Wanyin's hands, he is surprised to find that he is not wearing the spiritual weapon.

"Where is Zidian?"

Jiang Wanyin points to the edge of the desk, somehow managing to make that small gesture smug. Wen Ning is not sure when Jiang Wanyin took off Zidian without him noticing, but the knowledge causes something to tug at his insides. That Jiang Wanyin trusts him so much to forfeit the security of his family's heirloom in his company.

Or perhaps the feeling has something to do with their past, the memory of being struck with Zidian. They rarely talk about those days anymore. Perhaps Zidian losing its place between them is a sign that those times have long ended.

A few moments of silence pass between them, until Wen Ning says, "I'm waiting."

"Suit yourself."

Jiang Wanyin slowly pulls at Wen Ning's collar, loosening the fold of his hanfu, then slips his hand underneath the layers to stroke circles along Wen Ning's bare chest. The heat seeps in faster this time, a trail of warmth following Jiang Wanyin's palm, and suddenly Wen Ning wants the feeling over his entire body.

It was, regrettably, a very effective first move. Wen Ning stifles the urge to turn around to face Jiang Wanyin, to satisfy the growing craving for hot skin under his fingertips. Instead, Wen Ning arches his back to lean into the touch as Jiang Wanyin runs his hand through longer patterns.

"Your counter?" Jiang Wanyin asks.

Wen Ning forces himself to think through the options that don't involve flipping around and pinning Jiang Wanyin to the floor, which he would very much like to do right now. Despite the stiffness of his joints, they have a larger range of motion than he did in life, but even then, he can't do much when Jiang Wanyin is behind him. He could jab him in the sides or blindly fiddle with his hair ornament to remove it, but something tells Wen Ning that these would just leave him unsatisfied and even hungrier for touch.

"I...I can't reach you very well like this," Wen Ning says.

"Truly a pity," Jiang Wanyin murmurs, not sounding at all like he means it, and begins kissing Wen Ning's neck.

Jiang Wanyin moves to tuck another hand under Wen Ning's robes—his right hand—but Wen Ning catches his wrist. He wants to study what the sect leader’s battle-worn hand looks like without Zidian coiled around it, what it looks like plain and unarmored. Although, the task is a bit difficult to focus on with Jiang Wanyin's mouth on his neck.

Wen Ning traces the faint indents left by the winding body of the snake, wondering if what he sees is a pattern left by its embossed scales or if that’s just his imagination. Jiang Wanyin never takes off Zidian, not even to sleep. It would not be surprising if the texture has been engraved into his skin, as the weapon has become like an extension of his body, responding to his emotions and expressing them.

How much must it mean for Jiang Wanyin to remove it in his presence?

After several light strokes at the exposed skin of his wrist, Jiang Wanyin's breath hitches, a suck of air on Wen Ning's neck, and his fingers twitch involuntarily.

Wen Ning pauses. "What's wrong?"

Jiang Wanyin is slow to answer. "Nothing."

Not quite believing him, Wen Ning caresses the soft skin on his wrist again. Jiang Wanyin curls his fingers.

"Are you sure nothing is wrong? Does your wrist hurt?"

"It doesn't hurt." Wen Ning feels Jiang Wanyin hunch over into him, feels his chin rub along Wen Ning's shoulder as he turns his face away. "It's just...sensitive, I guess. The constant presence of spiritual energy can do that."

"From Zidian?"

Jiang Wanyin answers with only an affirmative hum, quiet, as if he is embarrassed. Wen Ning resumes gently stroking the delicate skin.

“Do you like it?" he asks, knowing full well that Jiang Wanyin will not answer if he does.

As expected, no response comes except for wandering touches under Wen Ning's robes and kisses at his neck that seem a bit agitated and spiteful, making something jump inside Wen Ning. For what must be the tenth time, he suppresses the impulse to trap Jiang Wanyin with his back against the floor and kiss him breathless.

Instead, he practices patience, and brushes his fingernails across Jiang Wanyin's wrist in quick motions. Jiang Wanyin flips his hand, hiding the underside of his wrist. Sensitive indeed.

Wen Ning likes this about Jiang Wanyin. A man who takes such effort to present a strong, indomitable presence to others is bound to harbor hidden softness more delicate than most, weak spots that Wen Ning is permitted to discover. Although he has learned that Jiang Wanyin enjoys the harsher touches that are inevitable from a fierce corpse, and he has come to enjoy submitting Jiang Wanyin to them, there is something entrancing about finding small ways to make him wriggle. Proof that Wen Ning can still be gentle when he tries. That despite his nature, his attempts at gentleness are still pleasurable. That he can gather these little reactions, which he definitely does not replay in his mind more often than he should.

Eventually, Jiang Wanyin seems too tormented by the caresses on his wrist, repeatedly scrunching his fingers with more force each time until he hides the hand under Wen Ning's robes. Strokes Wen Ning's chest and stomach with both hands.

"Hey," Wen Ning protests. "You took away my one advantage."

"You did say you were giving me the advantage." As if to flaunt the unfairness of their position, Jiang Wanyin licks behind Wen Ning's ear, making him shudder.

"I didn't say you could keep it."

Jiang Wanyin gives a low, resonant hum. "Oh? Is that so?"

He reaches farther down Wen Ning's body, rolling thumbs over his hipbones, then centering over his lower abdominal muscles to inch down slowly.

Arousal feels different for Wen Ning now, dulled and somehow separate from himself. But it's there. Yes, the sensation is very much there, making his palms itch and sending a faint thrum into his ears.

This provocation would be a good reason for Wen Ning to finally let down his inhibitions. He's spent his entire life and un-life biting back his lip in patience. Right now he'd like to turn the tables and bite Jiang Wanyin's lip instead.

Maybe his apothecary shop is not the most appropriate place to look over his shoulder, narrow his eyes at Jiang Wanyin, and grab the man’s wrists. Nor is it proper to push him down and pin his wrists to the floor. Nor is it befitting to watch Jiang Wanyin's breath quicken and his cheeks flush as Wen Ning straddles him. But Wen Ning doesn't really regret it once it’s done.

Jiang Wanyin's gaze darts to his captured wrists, his Adam's apple bobbing as he swallows. He meets Wen Ning's eyes and glares at him. "You're supposed to be resting."

"I'm supposed to be resting my mind."

"Then you better not be thinking about any of this." A slight snarl curves Jiang Wanyin's smirk. "No scheming. No plotting."

"I wouldn't dream of it," Wen Ning says as he slides Jiang Wanyin's wrists over his head and restrains both with one hand, sneaking his other hand under Jiang Wanyin's robes.

“Liar," Jiang Wanyin hisses, practically breathing out the word, as Wen Ning paints paths along bare skin with his cold touch, feeling Jiang Wanyin try not to squirm.

"I suppose you don't tolerate those offenses in your sect, either," Wen Ning says as he uses his free hand to untie Jiang Wanyin's robes.

He stops and checks Jiang Wanyin's expression for approval, watching him suck in his lower lip and stare hungrily at where Wen Ning's hand has paused. Then he goes back to working at the ties, taking longer than usual without the help of his left hand.

"You're correct," Jiang Wanyin snaps, but his eyes hold a glint of pleasure. "A few more violations, and I kick you out of Lotus Pier."

"Uh-huh," Wen Ning murmurs. "Tell me more about that later."

Jiang Wanyin pushes his wrists up against Wen Ning's grip, but Wen Ning only smiles and presses down harder as he finishes opening the robes. Amber light from the lantern mingles with blue moonlight from the window, reaching around Wen Ning's shadow over Jiang Wanyin's body, illuminating his exposed skin with soft highlights that show the curves of his muscles. Wen Ning lowers for a short kiss at the center of Jiang Wanyin's chest, then a much longer kiss on his mouth, feeling the warmth of Jiang Wanyin's tongue.

"How about you kick me out to the bed?" Wen Ning says between glides over Jiang Wanyin's lips.

Already anticipating the answer, Wen Ning shifts his posture to begin releasing his weight from Jiang Wanyin's body, unwittingly giving him the opportunity to buck his knees against Wen Ning's thighs and nearly knock him off balance.

"There. I kicked you," Jiang Wanyin says. Judging by the smug arch of his eyebrows and lips, he is so obviously self-satisfied with his ridiculous response that Wen Ning almost bursts into laughter.

"Alright, I'll go there now." Wen Ning rises to his feet and straightens his robes.

Jiang Wanyin blinks a few times, then practically jumps up, scowling as he reties his robes and reaches down to the desk for Zidian to coil around his wrist "No. You'll follow me," he orders, as if going to the bed was his idea. He marches away without another word.

Wen Ning smiles. Comforting warmth still swirls around inside him, both calming him and buzzing in his chest with anticipation.

"I'll follow you," he agrees.

He cuts in front of Jiang Wanyin's path to get out the door before him.

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Thanks for reading! If you enjoyed this story, you can be a supportive sibling like Jiang Yanli by visiting me on AO3!

#mdzsnet #theuntameddaily #chengning #jiang cheng #wen ning #mdzs #cql #the untamed #mdzs fanfic #cql fanfic #the untamed fanfic #mdzs fanfiction #cql fanfiction #the untamed fanfiction #ningcheng #emilu fics #emilu creations

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agendratum · 4 years

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i’m so sad that after cloud recesses wei wuxian’s love for drawing is almost forgotten. i think we see some of that in his cave in burial mounds, and i really can’t imagine in what context that would be relevant later in the show, but i’m still sad about that. one of the reasons why - i feel that for him drawing is a part of a more innocent, happy self, that he was loosing along the way (same goes for nhs btw) and getting that element back would help signify that he’s getting some of that happiness back too.

so what i imagine, especially cause i was wondering about what happens during that period anyway, is that after them leaving yi city and before them going to koi tower, when they have a little bit of peace and, i assume, chill, night hunt and catch up on stuff, one day, when lan zhan is meditating or playing his guqin, wei ying decides to make a drawing of him. due to his memory issues he may not even remember that he already once gave lan zhan his drawing. but when he’s like, “look what i did for you, do you like it?” lan zhan, who’s no longer has to protect himself by saying that it’s boring or immediately go for his sword when wei ying notices his smile, is just so overwhelmed by nostalgia, and love, and happiness, and a little bit of sadness, that he just sits there staring at it. and wei ying maybe even gets slightly worried, he doesn’t like it, is something wrong? and lan zhan snaps out of it and with his faint but warm smile reassures wei ying, “i do like it a lot.” then lan zhan shows him the other drawing, the one he did 16 years ago, that lan zhan of course kept this whole time, and wei ying is so touched and surprised, but then he switches to a slightly joking tone, as he does, and says, that if lan zhan likes his drawings so much, he can make more of them. lan zhan responds with his happy confident nod and wei ying gives him back one of his brightest smiles.

so till the end of that quiet period in cloud recesses wei ying draws. he makes more drawings of lan zhan, him teaching, him with his hair down, him in the cold springs, him smiling. he makes more drawings of bunnies when they go to sit with them, and these drawings make lan zhan especially happy. he even draws the juniors, at least lan sizhui and lan jingyi, and gives the drawings to them. they are slightly surprised (not that much, because after you get used to the fact that senior mo for some reason now lives with hanguang-jun, not that many things can surprise you), but mostly just touched and impressed with senior mo’s skills.

after wei ying leaves for his solo traveling adventure he continues to draw. he draws places and things and people he sees along his way. he draws some of his ideas for inventions, because you are not going to stop wei wuxian from inventing now that he’s back. he draws more lan zhan, just from his memory, lan zhan and, of course, bunnies. some of the drawings he sends to lan zhan, and when he gets them, he stares at them fondly and thinks about how lucky he is to have one silly wei ying back in his life. he of course keeps all of them. wei ying maybe even draws jiang cheng, and jin ling, and even fairy (he has to draw from his memory, so it’s not very good, as all his memories of fairy are kinda scary). he sends these drawings to them too, and both jiang cheng and jin ling are probably never going to admit they like them (also “why did he draw my dog like that?”), but both are going to keep the drawings anyway. he draws wen ning and at some point gives the drawing to him. wen ning is too touched to properly respond and wei ying just laughs. at some point he visits mianmian and makes a drawing of her family and gives it to her daughter. little mianmian isn’t that impressed, and the husband is still slightly confused at everything that’s happening but he just accepts it. mianmian herself thanks him with a bright smile on her face. he draws shijie. he draws wen qing. he never shows these drawings to anyone.

when he’s back at the cloud recesses and enters jingshi, it’s full of the drawings from his travellings that lan zhan kept. and wei ying is so touched and still surprised, after all this time still surprised. because lan zhan never stops surprising him and, to be honest, he probably never will.

#soooo #headcanon hours?#the untamed #cql #wei wuxian #wwx #lwj #wangxian #if you thought i can only write down my sad heartbreaking thoughts NO #LOOK it's HAPPY #more or less #i'm not counting the fact that i almost cried at it myself #also #me in the middle of writing down a headcanon: am i writing a fanfiction?

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imaginaryelle · 4 years

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Would you do anything with Wei Ying and the 4 main Juniors like either a fic or just how they interact in the show compared to the older generations

(Many thanks to @miyuki4s for the awesome beta work!)

It’s a banquet. A banquet Wei Wuxian was not, technically, invited to, but which he is attending nevertheless because no one in charge figured out he wasn’t supposed to be there until he’d already been offered food.

Such kind servants the Yao Sect has. Such a contrast to their sour Sect Leader, who keeps staring into his wine as if it’s turned to vinegar on his lips.

Wei Wuxian decides not to test his welcome too long—yes, he had been rather useful on the night hunt this afternoon, and yes, his role in Jin Guangyao’s downfall and the known fact of the Chief Cultivator’s favor do buy him a certain amount of social standing with the major Sects, but he’s not going to sit in a man’s hall all night mocking him with his very presence.

Well, he might.

Okay, he definitely would, except the wine is merely decent and the conversation is stilted and, frankly, boring. It would be bearable if he was getting to watch Lan Wangji endure it as well, but alas, the Chief Cultivator has pressing business in Yunmeng, apparently, which must be quite pressing indeed for Jiang Cheng to ask for him and which Wei Wuxian is certain would only be made more difficult by his own presence, even if he does still worry about Jiang Cheng, somewhere in a not-so-secret corner of his heart. So instead of making small talk or setting off into the night he takes his wine and bows out of the hall to Sect Leader Yao’s disgruntled nod of acknowledgment and goes in search of better entertainment.

He finds it just around the side of the disciples’ dormitories, behind a stand of magnolia trees.

Lan Jingyi, Ouyang Zizhen and several other vaguely familiar young members of various clans are sitting in what looks to be a small garden, huddled around what is quite probably either illicitly procured food or, more probably, wine. There’s a flash of gold near the center, and Wei Wuxian is able to answer the slightly-nagging question of where his nephew disappeared to halfway through the feast. Fairy, thankfully, is nowhere in sight. He wonders, for just a moment, whether they purposefully left Lan Sizhui’s reasonable voice out of this clearly ill-advised venture before he catches sight of him half-hidden behind Lan Jingyi’s shoulder, a look of fond exasperation on his face.

Wei Wuxian takes a drink of his own wine and prepares to keep walking—there’s probably a rooftop somewhere with a good view of both the garden and the waning moon to keep him entertained without disturbing anyone else’s fun.

“Ah! Wei-qianbei!” It’s one of the ones Wei Wuxian doesn’t quite remember who greets him, which is a little embarrassing, but the boy’s wearing Yao sect robes and looks like he lost a fight with a thorn bush—ah. Young master Liang Fai, who got a little too up close and personal with a malevolent spirit this afternoon. He beckons Wei Wuxian closer, either ignoring or not noticing those of his companions who freeze in place—Lan Jingyi and two other Lans try valiantly to look as if they have not touched alcohol and Lan Sizhui offers up a slightly chagrined smile—or those who are making only mildly obvious efforts to stop him. Jin Ling looks for a moment as if he might bolt through a nearby bush. “Wei-qianbei, can you teach us that talisman you used today? The one that banished the mist.”

A few of the others actually do look interested in that, even Jin Ling, at least until Wei Wuxian shakes his head.

“You can achieve the same effect with a basic spirit-repelling talisman,” he informs them. Blood is stronger than ink, of course, but he remembers their eagerness in Yi City. Best not to mention that. “It’s nothing special.”

“What about your ward-breaker then?” Lan Jingyi asks. Wei Wuxian arches an eyebrow at him.

“Hanguang-jun did a lecture on it,” Lan Sizhui puts in, soft-spoken and reasonable as ever. “On your inventions, like spirit-attraction flags. He said you had a ward-breaker talisman.”

“I might,” Wei Wuxian allows, though it was never really a secret. “How good’s your brushwork?”

The next half hour is a delightful rush of fresh ink, waving paper and bright enthusiasm. Enthusiasm, of course, is key in the creation of this particular talisman. Enthusiasm, focus, and delicate control of a brush. A few of them can produce a handful of sparks in their first tries. Jin Ling and Lan Sizhui each manage one butterfly, to their evident glee and Wei Wuxian’s lavish praise. Ouyang Zizhen manages a quietly smug three, to general acclaim. They finish the wine, and someone steals more, and an hour goes by and the moon rises higher and then Jin Ling, a little flushed but entirely determined, asks:

“Can you tell us about the Sunshot Campaign?”

Everyone goes quiet. Wei Wuxian laughs, too loud in the long shadows. He is burningly aware that Lan Sizhui—Wen Yuan—is sitting somewhere on his left.

“Surely you’ve learned all about that already,” he says. His smile feels stretched too-thin across his face.

“Not really.” Jin Ling frowns. Wei Wuxian can’t decide if the expression makes him look more like Jin Zixuan or Jiang Cheng, but it’s familiar frustration either way. “Jiujiu won’t tell me anything and—” he stops, lips pressing tight together.

“There are a few stories,” Ouyang Zizhen says in a sort of hushed whisper that makes everyone lean in closer. “but it’s strange, they’re always—”

“It’s always the same stories,” Liang Fai says. “No matter who you ask. It’s always about how awful Wen Ruohan and his sons were, and then the Yin Iron, and the razing of Cloud Recesses and Lotus Pier. Then the Sects rise and Lian—and Meng Yao goes undercover, and Chifeng-zun lays siege to Nightless City.”

“My father always says the Wens reached too far,” Ouyang Zizhen adds. “That they were arrogant and thought they held the authority of the Heavens themselves. But when I ask what happened before the war, or why they attacked Cloud Recesses, he just talks in circles. Sometimes I’m not even sure he knows the answer at all.”

“There’s not much detail,” says Lan Jingyi. “Honestly, I’ve gotten more out of merchants and kids playing in the street than most cultivators. There are more stories about you, really. After. When you were at the Burial Mounds.”

Wei Wuxian sighs. Of course there are. Just as now, when there are so many stories of Jin Guangyao, once more Meng Yao to the vindictive and impressionable, and how people always knew he was up to something. Even at the time, when the events were fresh in everyone’s mind, no one had wanted to remember who the Wens were before the war. If they had, Wei Wuxian might not have been the only one standing by the survivors.

He finds Lan Sizhui’s eyes in the dim moonlight, but Lan Sizhui only stares back at him, as calm and composed as if he’s waiting for a lecture in Cloud Recesses. All the young faces around him are intent and watchful. Waiting. Waiting for him to prove, as he has so many times before, that he’s different from their parents. Because he is, just—maybe not as different as they think.

“It was a war,” he says. “There are better things to talk about. Like—oh, the clouds, the clouds are very nice tonight.”

The clouds are nice. For the record. Worthy of poetry even. But of course these are determined young cultivators. They aren’t just going to let this go.

“It’s when most of them earned their titles,” Jin Ling says. Insists. “And they weren’t—you weren’t—that much older than we are. Not really. What’s so bad that we can’t know it?”

Wei Wuxian remembers a sudden flash of sky, of grass scraping at his scalp and cheek as his brother’s hands closed around his neck. He remembers his sister’s hands, raw and swollen from scrubbing and boiling cloth for bandages. The way Lan Wangji had turned away when he’d asked, and your brother? Your uncle? in the Xuanwu cave. The taste of corpse-dirt in the back of his throat.

There are many, many things that no one should ever have to know. And yet … Jin Ling asks so little of him, in the usual way of things. And not every memory is a weakness their elders will resent.

“What do you know about the Yin Iron?” he asks. It’s a safe enough subject—for one thing, he’s something of an expert, and that’s something he made his peace with long ago. For another, it doesn’t reach too deep into the scars lurking under his skin, and he knows that it has to be part of what Jiang Cheng doesn’t talk about: watching his new recruits, cultivators who trusted and believed in him, become mindless foes with the same face. These young cultivators have seen corpse puppets, but they’ve never seen someone turn before their eyes. Someone they knew and fought alongside. Someone they called brother or sister. He can’t imagine Lan Wangji or anyone else from that time talking about it either.

“It can be used to control corpses,” Lan Jingyi says promptly. “To make them stronger. And used too long, the Yin energy can be damaging to the spirit.”

Wei Wuxian snorts. Of course the Lans would teach that second part. He wonders if they also teach of Lan Yi’s sacrifice, these days. He picks up his brush again and sketches an incomplete array—unbalanced and open ended. Energy ever re-directed against its source.

“Have you thought about what control of corpses means, on a battlefield without Yin Iron of your own? Where every fallen ally can become an enemy?”

The sudden stillness around him would indicate that no, they haven’t. More than one looks like his wine is not agreeing with him.

Wei Wuxian picks up another piece of paper and starts a new talisman—fire, to burn away impurities. “There’s a lot I really don’t remember.” He laughs a little and lights the paper with a twist of his fingers. “My memory has always been bad.”

There is quiet as the paper burns to ash and the night breeze sweeps even that away. Wei Wuxian reaches for the wine and pours himself another drink, and that seems to break the moment at least a little. Jin Ling looks particularly disappointed, and Wei Wuxian is debating telling the one or two actually decent stories he has of Jin Zixuan when someone else speaks first.

“But, Wei-qianbei …” Ouyang Zizhen looks around at his friends and Sect brothers, and then back to Wei Wuxian, determination hardening his features. “If we don’t know how it happened, how will we know how to stop it happening again?”

There are nods around the circle, and Wei Wuxian takes another drink to swallow back the tightness rising in his throat. “I’m really not the right person to ask,” he says. It’s a very noble sentiment they’re nurturing of course, but the world had turned on him much the same way it had on the Wens, and —ahah. He gestures at Lan Jingyi and Lan Sizhui, triumphant.

“Hanguang-jun,” he says. They stare at him.

“Hanguang-jun doesn’t talk about the war either.” Lan Sizhui’s gaze doesn’t waver, trained on Wei Wuxian.

“There are innumerable things our esteemed Chief Cultivator never puts into words,” Wei Wuxian agrees with a languid wave of his hand, “but does that really mean you don’t know what he thinks?”

Lan Sizhui blinks, then smiles at him.

“The seminars,” says Jin Ling. “He’s setting up—I don’t know, really, lectures and trainings and things, in Gusu and Caiyi, inviting people to speak or visit from all over. Jiujiu says he’ll probably be pushing the rest of us to do that too, soon.”

Ouyang Zizhen nods. “The watchtowers were Jin Guangyao’s project after the war, right? My father says Hanguang-jun wants something better than watchtowers. That he’s working on a new talisman, like the Jin Clan’s butterfly messengers.”

Jin Ling frowns, his hands tightening around his sword. “He hasn’t mentioned the butterfly messengers to me.”

“It’s Hanguang-jun. I don’t think he said anything about it to anyone, Father just saw him writing talismans that turn into pigeons after that conference focused on the towers.”

“Sect Leader Yao doesn’t like how he’s treating the smaller sects.” Liang Fai turns his helmet between his hands, his expression thoughtful. “He says the Chief Cultivator will recognize even just two people as a new sect, if they own so much as a single house to train out of. It’s making the bigger sects nervous.”

“I’m not nervous,” says Jin Ling, scowling at him. “And neither is the Jiang Sect.”

“Ah, ah!” Wei Wuxian interrupts before tensions can draw any higher and waves his hands in the space between Jin Ling and Liang Fai. “Let’s talk about something else. Right?”

Jin Ling looks away, but the conversation doesn’t change.

“He’s worried about communication and response time,” says Lan Jingyi. “He’s always said it’s a cultivator’s job to go where the need is.”

“If more people can identify a problem, or know the right techniques, it won’t get out of hand,” Ouyang Zizhen agrees. “And with more sects, there are more cultivators in more places. It makes sense.”

“He travels.” All eyes shift to Lan Sizhui, who looks only at Wei Wuxian. “That’s part of what you mean, isn’t it? When Lianfang-zun was Chief Cultivator, everyone went to Lanling to speak with him. To the home of the Jin Sect. But Hanguang-jun doesn’t accept as many visiting parties. Most of the time, he goes to them.”

Lan Jingyi’s face scrunches up, doubtful. “I thought that was because he didn’t want to host so many banquets.”

“He still has to attend just as many,” Lan Sizhui points out. “Maybe more, even.”

“He’s staying neutral,” Jin Ling says, sudden and with an expression like he’s even surprising himself. “He can’t speak for Gusu Lan. That’s why Grandmaster Qiren is still at every conference. Because he’s Chief Cultivator, but not Sect Leader.”

That seems to be some sort of breaking point—several people start talking at once, and Wei Wuxian slowly eases himself out of the circle; he’s not needed anymore, and he should probably see himself out before Sect Leader Yao feels forced to offer him a place to sleep. Also, he’s out of wine.

Lan Sizhui meets him at the gates.

“Tell him we’re happy to help, with anything.”

Wei Wuxian frowns at him, confused. “Tell who?”

“Hanguang-jun. When you see him.” Lan Sizhui smiles and pets Little Apple’s nose. “Tell him we want to help. Even Jin Ling, though he might grumble about it.”

Wei Wuxian feels a sudden pang of homesickness—for the familiar walls of Lotus Pier, and for Lan Wangji’s steady presence at his side. But traveling to Yunmeng is no better an idea now that it was this afternoon.

“Ah, A-Yuan,” he says, “you can tell him yourself. You’ll probably see him before I do.”

Lan Sizhui looks doubtful, but he doesn’t argue. He seems to hesitate a moment, and then he sort of lunges into Wei Wuxian’s side and hugs him.

“What—”

“Thank you,” Lan Sizhui says as Wei Wuxian tries to figure out what to do with his hands. They’ve only done this a few times, still, and he’s not entirely sure what’s allowed when, and he’s desperately anxious to not mess it up.

“For what?” he asks, settling his free hand on Lan Sizhui’s back.

“For helping us,” Lan Sizhui says, almost at a whisper, and Wei Wuxian is sure they’re not talking about the gaggle of young cultivators in the garden anymore. He tightens the curl of his arm.

“You don’t need to thank me, A-Yuan. I—”

“Ning-shushu told me a little,” Lan Sizhui interrupts him, the words half-muffled in his collar. “And I’ve heard—I know all the same stories as the rest of them. I mean it. Thank you.”

Wei Wuxian shakes his head, but he doesn’t protest aloud again. Instead he wraps his other arm around Lan Sizhui as well, and tucks his chin over Lan Sizhui’s white-clad shoulder. He watches the gauzy clouds drift slowly across the brightness of the moon and makes a silent promise:

This time, they’ll do better.

#the untamed #chen qing ling #wei wuxian #lan sizhui #jin ling #ouyang zizhen #lan jingyi #the juniors #alex writes #Anonymous

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boxoftheskyking · 4 years

Text

Something Good, Part Seven

So I was going to edit and revise, but my house is full of flies and I’ve spent most of the night trying to murder them.

This is the best I could do.

In which Wei Wuxian gets yanked around like a fish on a hook.

Part One, Part Two, Part Three, Part Four, Part Five, Part Six

---

Wei Wuxian always gets a little cocky after a month of anything. A month into life at Lotus Pier he talked back to Madam Yu for the first time and met the back of her hand. He may have started getting in trouble on his first day of indoctrination at Cloud Recesses, but after the first month he really started his campaign to bother Lan Wangji into giving him a decent fight. Or at least a minute of his time.

So he recognizes this pattern as he sits among the rabbits, watching the disciples roll around in the grass and play fight with crooked little sticks. The children all wear white, every day. As an aesthetic choice, it’s quite striking—it also appears to give some validity to Su Ming’s claim that misbehaving Lans are turned into rabbits. But as a practical choice, it leaves Wei Wuxian up nearly every night scrubbing out grass and mud and tea and berry stains.

He lets his idea percolate for a bit before acting on it, watching Madam Xiao carefully every time she measures a quickly-growing junior for a new set of robes.

On a sunny afternoon the youngest juniors—those under ten—are held back by Lan Wangji for a lesson in sect and clan history. Wen Ning tells him it’s a regular occurrence, certain lessons and stories that the older ones heard back when multiple teachers covered different material. It feels private, Lan-Sect-only, so Wei Wuxian takes the older six fishing in the river.

“Your poor Wei-qianbei never gets to hear secret Lan stories,” he whines as they scramble down the hillside towards the water. The juniors tumble over each other to tell their favorite stories in a fragmented rush—this Lan elder who invented a new path of healing, that student who famously saved a young Lan Qiren from a fierce ghost, litanies of born and adopted cultivators to make one’s head spin. He always enjoys the children’s enthusiasm, but part of him regrets missing Lan Wangji’s calm and steady storytelling. He imagines him sitting down on the floor with the children gathered around him, elegant hands gesturing just enough to clarify, no movements wasted. His patient nod as little Jingyi bounces on his heels to ask a question—not a smile on his face, per se, but not a frown either.

He’s interrupted from his ill-advised reverie by a giant splash as Su Ming slips and falls face first into the water.

“A-Ming! For heaven’s sake, I’m trying to teach you to fish! Please do not scare every living creature away right at the beginning.”

He makes them stand knee-deep in the water, still as they can, until the fish return. With all eyes on him, he manages to grab a carp on the first try. Still got it, he thinks to himself, preening for the applause around him.

Remember when it was swordplay that brought you praise? Your incredible skill, your shining golden core?

But the cheers of little ones is the best he’ll get now. And it’s enough. It is. It’s enough.

If a ritual doesn’t take the first time, repeat it.

Wen Ning, kind heart that he is, has placed himself on the shoreline to collect caught fish in gathered-up skirts of his robe. As the others dive and wait and dive again, Wei Wuxian watches him solemnly wrap the wriggling fish in cloth, holding each firmly but gently in his hands until they stop moving. His face is set, lips pulled in, and he nods to himself after each death, setting the fish aside in a delicate row on the shore. Wei Wuxian wants to wade over and hold him, pet his hair and tell him it’s all right, death is hard, but he recognizes the moment of growing and lets it happen.

All in all, they end up with eight fish. Five may have been from Wei Wuxian himself, but he praises the juniors at length as they shake off their feet and try to find their own shoes. Su Ming, as always, is precariously balanced on a rock and engaged in a shoving match with Lan Ting. He’s about to fall, and Wei Wuxian has a flash of the walk back to class with his wet, squelching shoes, so he reaches out and grabs him by the neck of his robes, nearly wrenched off his feet himself. Everyone laughs uproariously and Su Ming apologizes in a mumble, Wei Wuxian tugging on his hair and clicking his tongue in admonishment.

It’s not until they get back to the main compound that Wei Wuxian notices the pain in his shoulder and neck from yanking Su Ming out of danger. He sends the children to clean up for dinner under the direction of Wen Ning and heads to the kitchen to do something with the fish. Gutting and cleaning fish is second nature, and he tosses chunks of meat into a pan and hopes for the best.

He’s glad he’s not the primary cook for the juniors. It’s shameful that he’s so haphazard in the kitchen, given that he’d grown up watching Yanli, so tidy and deliberate, every action perfectly timed. He’d stopped watching after a while, around when he was thirteen. Madam Yu hated her behaving like a servant, so she’d get word from her little spies and swoop in in a swirl of purple and crackling energy to berate them both. It was always Wei Wuxian’s fault, in the end, as most things were. But no matter how much blame he accepted, demanded, it was never enough to make her leave Yanli alone. Eventually, he just stopped going to the kitchens at all. Had he known what was going to happen, that the last time eating lotus root and pork soup would truly be his last time, he would have gone back and watched her, he’d have written down every step and asked her to explain each technique, let him taste every ingredient as she added them. But there’s no use wishing for things already past.

He does grin to himself as he remembers her working, tiny and delicate but steadfast, while Madam Yu scolded and paced and Zidian crackled around her. She never left a dish unfinished. Perhaps he did learn more from watching her than he thought. Maybe she’ll be proud of me. Maybe someday.

He shakes the fish around in the pan, throwing in a dozen odd dashes of chili oil, and grunts out in pain as a spasm goes down his neck to his shoulder. He drops the pan down with more force than intended, grabbing at the muscle and twisting his head around, seeking relief.

“Wei Wuxian.”

Startling and whipping around certainly doesn’t help with the pain, so he faces Lan Wangji with an unpleasant grimace. The bow he makes is sincere but crooked, and when he looks back up, Lan Wangji has come closer, brow furrowed.

“Why are you cooking?”

“The older children caught fish. Well, they tried. So I said I’d cook it up for them. Well, I said I’d try.”

“The fish is sticking to the pan.”

“Damn it!” Wei Wuxian spins back around to take the pan off the heat, but freezes midway to jerk back around and bow. “My apologies, Second Master.”

“You’ve injured your shoulder.” It’s not a question.

Wei Wuxian rolls his neck again. “Just a bit. One of the children fell and I should have used two hands to grab him. I forget sometimes, how slow I am to heal without a golden—” He bites the inside of his cheek, looking down at his hands. “Pardon me, Hanguang Jun.”

He turns back to the fish and takes the pan off the heat, hacking at the chunks of skin that have adhered to the surface. He assumes Lan Wangji has left, but after less than a minute he feels an unexpected hand on his injured shoulder. He reaches back and strikes out with the wooden spatula, nearly missing the side of Lan Wangji’s face.

“What are you doing?” he gasps. He doesn’t think Lan Wangji would attack him in the kitchens, but it hasn’t been so long since we was hunted by all the clans together. Is that why he’s here? My sentence has changed?

Lan Wangji glares at him. “Helping.”

“Helping what?”

“Your shoulder. Turn around.”

Wei Wuxian stares at him and does not move. Lan Wangji sighs, sounding so much like his uncle, and pulls Wei Wuxian back around. He’s beginning to feel dizzy. Before he can open his mouth to protest, one big hand covers the side of his head and presses it to the side while the other digs into his pulled muscle. Instead of yelling “What are you doing?” again, he can only make a loud choking sound and clap his hands over his mouth.

“Stop. Moving.” Lan Wangji demands, so Wei Wuxian folds his hands primly at his waist and waits for whatever it is to be over.

Lan Wangji’s hands are not just warm, they’re hot, and not just long but big, broad across the knuckles and palms. Wei Wuxian hasn’t really noticed this before, but he certainly does now. First Lan Wangji pinches the muscle hard between thumb and forefinger, sliding his hand down from the base of his skull to his shoulder. After about a minute of this he works his knuckles in, rolling them as he goes. It hurts, more than he expects it to, but underneath the pain is a deep relief. The massage stops suddenly, and Wei Wuxian is just about to turn around when he hears an impatient tsk sound from behind him. It’s his only warning before Lan Wangji tugs his robe over his shoulder, baring his skin.

“Lan Wangji!”

“Wei Wuxian. Stand still.”

Wei Wuxian can’t help the nervous giggle that bursts out as the massage continues. “You know,” he begins, while his brain very loudly tells him Stop this right now, Wei Wuxian, don’t say anything more. “You should just call me Wei Ying.”

The massage stops for a moment, then resumes.

“That would not be appropriate,” Lan Wangji says stiffly.

Wei Wuxian laughs louder. He’s starting to feel a little drunk as Lan Wangji’s hands move to the back of his neck and lower down to his shoulder blade. “That’s inappropriate. I see.”

“Hm.”

“But I am a servant, you know. There’s no reason for me to have a courtesy name.”

The hands pause again.

“Not just a servant.”

Wei Wuxian frowns. “Well, no. None of us are. None of us are just servants.”

Lan Wangji says nothing and tugs the robe back into place. He doesn’t let go, though, big hands radiating warmth into him through the fabric. There’s a long moment of held breath and the smell of burnt fish.

“Wangji,” a voice comes from the doorway, and Wei Wuxian feels him step back. He feels better than he did, but oddly cold.

“Brother.”

Lan Xichen inclines his head politely as he steps inside the kitchen. “I apologize, am I interrupting?”

Wei Wuxian turns and bows, trying to assemble a polite smile. He thinks it’s coming off a bit manic. “Not at all, Sect Leader. Hanguang Jun was graciously helping this humble servant with a pulled muscle. Thank you, Hanguang Jun.” He bows again.

“Ah, the new techniques you learned?”

Lan Wangji’s ears turn pink, but he nods, looking away from Wei Wuxian. Wei Wuxian is fascinated. Like a kid watching a new game, he has to stamp down on the loud internal I want to do that. How do I do that?

“See, Wangji, there is no need to worry. She will be glad to hear you’ve practiced. You will make a fine husband.”

Wei Wuxian doesn’t drop anything, but only because he’s not holding anything. He’s sure his jaw is somewhere around his belt but there’s nothing to be done about that. Lan Xichen, ever the noble, doesn’t comment on it.

“Wei Wuxian, I was looking for you.”

Somehow this afternoon in the kitchen has become like a drunken dream, pulling him from the warmth of pleasure and comfort into terrifying waves where nothing makes sense. It’s not a reassignment, he tells himself, but his stomach still sinks to his knees. There’s a smear of chili oil on his left wrist, curving around and disappearing under his sleeve like blood.

“What can I do for you, Sect Leader?”

“I wanted to check in on the children. I know that the incident with the water ghouls was frightening for them, particularly the younger ones.”

Wei Wuxian laughs nervously. “Yes, we were lucky Hanguang Jun is so quick.”

Lan Wangji still doesn’t look at him.

Husband. A fine husband. Stop it.

“How are they holding up?”

Wei Wuxian chews on his lip. Lan Xichen has always had a quality that inspired complete honesty, but the last thing he wants is to accidentally talk himself back to laundry duty. “Some nightmares. A little nervousness walking by Cold Spring, for the younger ones, but we’ve talked about where the ghouls live and how the Abyss is formed. They’re pretty resilient.”

“But do they feel safe? Here, I mean?”

Wei Wuxian blinks. “In Cloud Recesses? Yes, of course. Why wouldn’t they?”

“After the ambush, things were a bit chaotic. And they haven’t had a guardian for this long in, well, a number of years now. I wouldn’t be surprised if some of the older children expect you to leave.”

Lan Wangji’s head snaps up, looking between the two of them.

“Leave?” Wei Wuxian spreads his hands, aiming for casual. “But where would I go?”

Lan Xichen smiles at him. “Indeed. Thank you for this update, it is helpful for me to know how the children are feeling. Wangji, if you are finished here, I would speak with you further.”

As they turn to leave, Lan Xichen pauses in the doorway. “By the way, how did you do what you did with the talismans?”

“Sorry?”

“At the lake. Your talismans were stronger than any I’ve seen created by a non-cultivator, but I did not sense any resentful energy when you used them.”

Wei Wuxian feels another set of eyes on him, strong and burning like his hands, but he doesn’t turn to look. He tries a shrug. “It’s not too difficult. Just a little extra blood, extra intention characters. We common men do the best we can.”

Lan Wangji leaves the kitchen without another word, and Lan Xichen gives him an odd smile before he follows.

Wei Wuxian finds a stool and collapses on it, wiping his sweating palms over and over on his thighs. The chili oil smears down in a sin-bright line. He’s about to rise and figure out what to do with burnt fish when a teetering pile of midnight blue fabric stumbles past the door.

He manages to catch the pile before it falls entirely and catches a glimpse of Lin Biming beneath it, red-faced and panting.

“Master Lin! Here, let me help you.”

“Wei Wuxian, what are you doing in the kitchen?”

“Why is everyone so shocked? Here, Master Lin, what is all this?”

“New curtains are going in to the library pavilion, so I’m taking these old ones to—”

“Can I take them?”

Lin Biming glares at him, but the top half of the pile slides directly into Wei Wuxian’s arms.

“Please? Unless they have some important place to be.”

Lin Biming sighs and dumps the rest at his feet. “Fine. Take them. What’s burning?”

Wei Wuxian sighs and hauls the curtains into the kitchen. “Don’t worry about it, Master Lin. I’ll clean it all up.”

Lin Biming tuts and bustles off, leaving Wei Wuxian with a pile of dusty, discolored fabric, a pan of half-burnt fish, and the hole in his gut churning like a storm.

Part Eight

#assorted writings #the untamed #mo dao zu shi #something good #each chapter makes the au more obvious but i'm ok with that

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amnachil · 4 years

Text

The College Society Chapter 4 Part 6

The next part!

Some feelings ;)

Damian Nicholas Smith Carrey Thursday April 4

"You should have tell me sooner."

Damian Nicholas Smith Carrey rolled his eyes. As if it would have change anything.

"Archie and I have this shit under control. There isn't much you can do."

Even through the phone, he guessed she was annoyed. D.R didn't like to be kept in the dark. Especially on that matter. Archie had insisted : they had to warn her about Nate. And I guess he's right.

"The victim isn't from our college anyway." he continued. "You can't make further investigations."

"I get that." she sighed. "But I'm a specialist with a diploma. I know Archie must've been a good support, but he isn't trained. What if he reawken his own traumas ? You remember as well as me how hard healing him had been the first time... I never had a case like his before... And by judging his ever expanding pack, we can tell he isn't completely cured."

"Yeah but until now, he's fine. And I think he can learn from this experience. For fucksake, I'm not stupid."

Seriously it was so annoying. He knew how to help people, he wasn't some heartless jerk ! D.R was the kind of person to worry anyway.

"Let's say I'll trust you on this for now." she decided. "I'll send a girl to watch discreetly over him when he goes out anyway. Sadly, I don't have any boy working for me. And once he's ready to be seen, you bring him to me. Now let's talk about our second... matter. My team didn't manage to get to the root of the website. Our prankster is good and we can't do much as long as he remains anonymous."

Damian Nicholas Smith Carrey gnashed his teeth. Damnit this is so fucking frustrating.

"This hunt is totally unethical." he grumbled. "There is nothing you can do ?"

"Well, I agree with you. A bounty for a prey isn't something I can tolerate." she replied. "But what do you want me to do ? I can order all the hunters to stop coming close to him but that's include you. There's no way I will treat you differently."

But this baboon is mine ! I'm his fucking boyfriend god damnit ! It made him think about what Zack had told him. I'm not ready to admit it yet. Not that he wasn't happy with the baboon but... He could already imagine the reaction of the community. The laughs and the teasing. They would never let him go away with that. Everything he had built so far would be wrecked.

"Forget it." he mumbled. "Let them try to catch the prey and fail miserably. It'll be fun to watch."

After all, many of them had already tried. And nobody had succeeded.

Damian Nicholas Smith Carrey tasted his pancake. They were delicious. Of course they're... I'm the best. But still, he was a bit worried. It was their first date since Liam had discovered the truth about Nate, and the Dean's grandson couldn't help but be stressed. What if his baboon held a grudge against him for having lied ? Liam was probably too concerned about the midget to truly enjoy a date with his newly boyfriend anyway. They weren't that close and... Stop. Wait a fuckin second. What the hell ?! Was he, the best hunter, seriously thinking like a weakling ? This is... Man I just don't get it. Why am I stressing over something like that ? Is it because... It was so hard to admit it. The baboon wasn't any boyfriend. He was nothing like his precedent relationships. It was the reason Damian Nicholas Smith Carrey couldn't resolve himself to reveal the truth to the community. Because in barely five month, Liam became an important part of his life...

"Hey Dami, you okay ?"

Speaking of the devil, the baboon had arrived. Albeit against his will, the Dean's grandson ogled him. Damnit. Not only he had a great and unique (very unique) personnality, but he was hot for crying out loud ! Was it these strong arms ? Or maybe these thick thighs ? Or the eighth wonder of the world that was his ass ? It could've been these insane pecs or the little portliness of his belly... Anyway SOMETHING was attracting Damian Nicholas Smith Carrey like hell. He wanted to cuddle Liam like... forever. At least feel his strong yet soft body against his. And his damn hands. Big and warm ! Okay. Let's breath and stop being such a shame for myself.

"Dami ? Are you talking with the alien forces ?" asked the baboon, who suddenly stroke his cheek.

"What the... No. No." he stammered, now more than flustered. "I was just thinking about some stuff."

His boyfriend smiled. What a smile. Damn I hate him so much.

"Nate and I talked a bit." he suddenly revealed. "It's kind of clearer for me. He doesn't want to tell me for now, he doesn't felt ready and I respect thtat. He assured me I'm important for him and this is why it's so hard for him to talk... At least thanks to Archie, I know what I have to do now. I was so lost and pissed... I owe you an apology for my behavior this night."

The junior looked at him with amazment. This dummy was apologising ? Seriously ? Baboon, when I'll be used to all your cuteness and not affected by it anymore, I'll teach you how to be a little less sweet.

"You owe me shit." he retorted. "Nate is your bestfriend for a lifespan. After what happened to him, you have the right to be mad or whatever. And I'm the one sorry for having lied to you like that. I know we ain't dating for long and I'm already failing... I told you I suck at being a boyfriend so I guess it's also your fault for..."

Damian Nicholas Smith Carrey was so busy talking, he didn't notice the baboon move. Liam embraced him with both arms and kissed him softly.

"Trust me Dami, you are wonderful and I'm not asking for anything more than you being yourself. You're doing an amazing job at this boyfriend's stuff and that's pretty normal because you're the best."

Okay. I wasn't expecting that at all. The blond lad buried his red face on his boyfriend's chest. What should I do ? This is so nice and so corny ! He needed a way to regain composure. To take the lead again ! Because there was no way, absolutely none that the baboon was consoling him !

"I'm sure you're sayin' that only for the pancakes." he finally whispered, not convincing at all.

It made Liam laugh.

"I'm not." he stated. "But the pancake definitely help your case babe."

Liam Saturday April 6

Nate grunted. Well, he was grunting a lot since the... The rape. According to him, it was because he wasn't feeling like talking. Anyway, so he grunted. Liam had learnt how to distinguish a frustrasted grunt from a scared one. Or, although it sheldom happen, an amused grunt. This one belonged to the last category. Well, the situation was kind of amusing to be fair. At first, they had head out only to go to the stadium, were the football team was gonna play soon. It was the only event Nate had agreed to come because Archibald was playing and Liam had insisted. So they were casually walking to join Nick, Colton and Dami when they encountered the witch. Which was why they were now hiding behind a low wall.

"How long are we supposed to stay here ?" asked Nate.

"Not so loud bro !" replied (not so discreetly) his bestfriend. "I swear, she'll kill us if she find us. Let's crawl over there."

The shortest lad rolled his eyes but obeyed nonetheless. He certainly didn't want to be killed by the witch. She's very persistent. But I'm getting used to her tricks now. They managed to move for ten meter at least before she decided to come in their direction. Liam froze, and held Nate next to him. First, I protect Nate. Then I run. (Sure he was taller and way beefier than her but she had magical powers, remember ?!).

"Do you need help ?" asked someone.

The chestnut lad raised his head and looked at the newcomer. She was a tall but thin girl. Her pale skin planted an idea in Liam's head.

"We're trying to enter the stadium." explained Nate before he could speak. "But we need to avoid this woman."

The stranger looked at the witch and smiled. These teeth... That's no good.

"It's manageable." she assured. "Come with me. I'm Jolenne by the way."

Liam was very wary but well, they followed her anyway. She led them in a dark path, apparently to enter the stadium by the staff's door. I can't let Nate alone with her. There is no way I let him alone with a woman anyway. His bestfriend had tensed up quickly. She was isolating them from the crowd, and he didn't like it at all. Neither did Liam of course. (He wasn't brave but for Nate, he would be ready to fight and get his blood sucked.) (Because yeah, she was certainly a vampire.)

"Here we are." she finally announced. "The back door, as you asked."

The two boys sighed, relieved. She doesn't want our blood for now. We have a lucky escape...

"Well have a nice evening." Jolenne continued. "I'm looking fowards to our next meeting."

They politely thanked her and went inside. There is something fishy about her, I'm sure of it. And it wasn't only because Dami asked him to be prudent around girls !

Their team won the game. Liam enjoyed it. He was with his friends and they all seemed fine. Even Nate. Besides, his boyfriend was there too. Sure, it didn't show much affection because they were in public but it was nice anyway. Dami had surely opened his heart to the chestnut lad since their trip in France. Now, Liam knew what kind of person he truly was. And yeah, because he's a succubus he's still sleeping around but it doesn't matter that much. (Liam is very open-minded). They didn't attend to the party after, because Nate wasn't feeling ready for it. So they ended up at Dami's place to spend the evening. The hero had already cooked diner beforehand, and Liam thanked him a lot for that. He enjoyed himself. He's so good. The food is so good.

"I know I made too much." Dami stated. "But I also know you eat a lot."

He was right. Liam and Nick dug in pretty fast. Everything tasted so terrific. The chestnut lad went for second, thrid and fourth. He would've eat more if only there were some leftover, but it appeared they had emptied everything. Liam found himself cozily sat in the sofa, his boyfriend curled up next to him. He was pleasantly full and happy. (Honestly ? Yeah his inner desire asked for more food until he was about to burst !). (The idea of a swollen stomach made him kind of excited.). The group played games until Liam started to feel dozy. The young lad didn't want to ruin the fun but he was falling asleep. His filling diner wasn't helping.

"Do you want to sleep here with me ?" asked Dami when he noticed.

Hmhmh... The tone was hopeful.

"We won't do anything of course..." he continued while blushing. "Just... you know... it would be nice if you stayed for the night and all."

"I would love to stay." assured Liam.

He liked this part of his boyfriend. The one unconfident and shy. I think it's super cute.

The chestnut lad woke up because someone was hammering on the door. At 10 am. Who was nasty enough to do that ? Even the forces of evil wouldn't be that mean ! The lad yawned and spawled. Not only he's a hero with amazing cooking skills, but he's so nice to sleep with... Dami had a soft skin that Liam loved. Not to mention, his little plumpness made him very attractive.

"Open the fuckin' door you dam brat !" a voice shouted. "I know you're in there idiot !"

The junior swore from the kitchen. He was probably awake for awhile now and cooking breakfast. Anyway, he arrived in the bedroom kind of... stressed ?

"My father arrived baboon." he mumbled. "You need to get out of here before he sees you."

Liam frowned. Wasn't he supposed to meet him ? Then he remembered how unkempt he looked. His messy hair, his loose sweatpants and his dazed expression weren't appropriate to meet Dami's father.

"Go by the window." this one ordered. "I'll see you later okay ?"

"Sure. Love you."

Liam didn't care that they were on the first floor. Leaving by the balcony what somehow very fun !

Nicolas Sunday April 7 – Monday April 8

< Imagenius : Late mb !! Very sorry Sav pls don't yell. >

< Abeautifulwomen : it happens a lot lately dude ! Was it ur hunter thing again ? >

< TheSavior : and here we go. >

< Imagenius : well yeah it was and it sucked !!! I tried to catch a prey but u know what he said to me ?! That I am too fat !!!! looool >

< Abeautifulwomen : he ? So a man ? Gays >

< Imagenius : Shut up fke girl. I still think u're an ass becuz u don't wanna tell me what the big hunt is about. I know the reward is huge !! >

< Abeautifulwomen : Maybe one day you'll understand i do this for your own good you idiot !! This big hunt is only troubles i swear >

< Imagenius : as if i would trust ya ! You lie abut being a girl so... >

< TheSavior : Okay now you guys will shut the fuck up with this hunt thing or god be my witness i'll blow a fuse ! >

< Imagenius : sorry boss... I'm just so frustrated... >

< Abeautifulwomen : sorry too... let's play to calm you ok ? >

< TheSavior : at least you're coming back to your senses. Let's go. >

Monday lessons were easy and Nick didn't pay attention. Honestly, his mind was drifting towards Nate and things related to him. The feeling of being powerless wasn't gone yet. Liam and I talked with him but it's obvious he doesn't want us to know everything... He probably doesn't want us to think less of him. Anyway, truth must be told, Nick was getting paranoid. They knew it was a girl who did this. And now, the dark haired lad was seeing shady girls everywhere. There was this "witch" Liam had talked about. She was following them most of the time. And I'm pretty sure she's trying to seduce at least one of us... She wasn't the only one. There were girls at every corner of this damn college. Nick was certain he had noticed Leila, Colton's sister, watching them from afar. But he did not know what they wanted exactly. I'm just turning crazy that's it. His own experience with the girls here didn't gave him a reason to trust them either. Their professor announced the end of the lecture. Nick was about to stood up but Colton held him.

"Dude maybe we should wait a bit before leaving." he smiled.

Liam was slowly waking up. If he wasn't sleeping most of the time, the man would've been one of the three top students around here, no doubts.

"Why ?" asked Nick. "Is there a problem ?"

He knew his friend : he was probably trying to avoid a conflict or something like that.

"Well... your trousers hum... split on your back." revealed Colton. "I don't want anyone to embarrass you by seeing it you know ?"

It led to a blank. Nick felt his cheeks burn. Well this is awkward. But it explains why I felt relieved... It was time to go shopping again...

Colton decided to come with him after their last class. Liam was heading back at the flat to see Nate and his boyfriend. The duo ended in a specialized shop at the mall. I didn't know this kind of shop were real. A lot of things were plus-sized here.

"You're not really that huge, but since you like loose clothes this shop will be nice." explained Colton. "Here, let's try these pants."

Nick looked at him, surprised.

"If I was smart, I would say you are a regular... " he teased. "Oh wait. I'm smart ! Dude how the hell do you know your way around a plus-sized shop ?!"

His friend smiled softly.

"My step-brother is on the heavy side too and we used to go buy clothes together because my parents wouldn't come wih him." he replied. "So yeah, I'm used to it."

To prove his point, he started to show Nick many trousers and shirts which suited him just fine. More than used to it, he loves shopping... He's boyfriend material. The dark haired genius would've been interested himself if he didn't knew Colton was hetero. Well, it didn't prevent him from coveting this hot stuff. Once they had finished, the two boys decided to grab a quick meal for diner. Nick thought it would be nice before meeting with his virtual friends who were annoying lately. But they bumped into Rebecca and Barbara right after they had bought their hotdogs. The petite blonde tried to ignore them, but her tall friend didn't.

"Hey neighbour !" she smirked. "Enjoying a snack I see ? I'm not sure you need it tho."

Nick rolled his eyes. Why was she so mean ? What was her problem ?

"I have something to tell you bro." she continued. "For the old times sakes. If you ever want a girlfriend, you should really lose that gut. You're so fat, that's disgusting."

She pinched his belly.

"I mean, Liam's padding looks kind of hot but you... This is just pure blubber. What a..."

"I think we got your point Rebecca." intervened Colton. "You and Barbara despise chubby people, it's your choice and we respect that. Now we're leaving."

He took Nick by the wrist and led him outside the mall. The poor lad watched the two girls laugh. Seriously... But deep down, he couldn't help but wonder. Was she right ? Maybe it was the reason why Theo had stopped their affair ? Maybe he was just too fat after all...

To be continued

Well, well, well... Dami has feelings. Cute :D

Liam is dealing with the truth now, and do is best to follow Archie’s advice. Each person suffering from this kind of trauma will deal with it differently, Nate has his own way to do. A professionnal like D.R is what they need to find these ways.

It’s the turning point for Nick. Maybe it wasn’t clear enough before, but he’s a bit of a social inept, and the opinion of others matter to him. So yeah, with time, he started to doubt his body, and now, he wants to change back.

#the college society #cs #Damian Nicholas Smith Carrey #Liam #Nick #talks #Liam is worried but happy #Dami has feelings #Nick doesn't know what to think #Even geniuses have doubts #The big hunt continue #Chapter 4 #Part 6

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norhymenoreasonff-blog · 7 years

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Chapter 41

This is the life I’ve prayed for... surrounded by laughter and love and happily drowning in every minute of it. As Baby Junior slowly grows bigger and stronger each day my love for my wife and the life we are living grows and strengthens as well. Mel and Lee are still here with us and the reality of three Bajan women and all of their words, attitudes, and ways surrounding me is enough to drown even the strongest man but I literally crave and want for more. That’s not to say I’m not tired though.

It seems my wife is in her crazy strange food stage and while that’s daunting it seems as if Melissa and Leandra are suffering through a sympathy pregnancy with her so every ache, pain, mood swing, and crazy want she experiences so too do they. There have been so many moments in the middle of the night that I’m out in the Detroit streets searching for food mixtures none of them should be eating. The one time I attempted to tell them this they called the mamas on me and that was the last time I thought to tell any of them no. They literally have me running from pillar to post and as tired and crazy as they make me I wouldn’t have it any other way.

They’ve been here helping us in our house hunt and to say it’s been challenging would be an absolute understatement. Robyn is Robyn… so whatever she wants I will do whatever I have to do to give it to her but throw in Mel and Lee and Gabby’s wants and words finding that perfect place seems damn near impossible. I mentioned Gabby because the second she gets with Robyn and the Bajan twosome it’s a mess and a half. Much like Taryn Mel and Lee took to Gabby and they have been fast friends since. Add my wife and the craziness can’t be controlled so I don’t even try.

House hunting with the four of them has been something else though. Everything Melissa and Leandra even remotely showed some type of interest in got an automatic no from Robyn. So of course that meant the minute Robyn showed even an inkling of something Leandra put on her petty pants and it’s a mess with pregnancy hormones flying back and forth between them. Looking to Melissa for any kind of help is useless because she and Gabby absolutely refuse to come in between their mess. I almost wish Taryn was tagging along too to be the voice of some kind of reason but she’s back to her disappearing acts and her being here would probably only make things even worse.

My only reprieve is when they pull Robyn away to go shopping and I can escape to work. The only thing they seem to agree on is spending my money on all things baby. Surprisingly they still don’t know what we’re having but that fact hasn’t stopped them from filling up Robyn’s basket for what they think Baby Junior will need. I’m not sure we even need a baby shower at the rate and money there are spending at every baby store they stumble across. I made the mistake of actually voicing the thought of scrapping the shower and the look I got had me contemplating calling the mamas on myself. Thankfully I was called into work and hopefully by the time I get home they will have forgotten my ‘suggestion’. Truth be told I probably could have left work minutes after I got here but this time apart is probably needed but I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t missing the craziness.

“What the hell are you doing here?”

“Got called in for some bullshit that Harris could have handled himself but now I’m just killing time…”

“She in the crazy weird food phase yet?”

“Yes… her and her two friends…”

“They pregnant too?”

Slowly shaking my head, “Sympathy pregnancy…”

“So you going through it three times…”

“You already know…”

“Well at least you getting practice…”

Slowly turning to look in Bryce’s intern Terrence’s direction, “Practice for what?”

Softly laughing, “In case you ever get two chicks pregnant at the same time…”

“That shit will never happen…”

“How you know?”

“Trust me on this one. Robyn is the only woman who will ever have my children so until she can clone herself that fine Bajan woman of mine is the only one I’m filling up with babies…”

“Man she got you whipped…”

Softly smiling, “Happily…”

“Terrence leave Brown alone… him doing anything with any other woman but his wife ain't about to happen…”

“Wife?” quickly looking in my direction, “I didn’t know y’all was married…”

Quickly speaking before I could respond Bryce explained what he thought of me and Robyn’s relationship, “They might as well be. The second he started talking about her it was obvious as hell that that’s what they were going to be to each other and then I saw her…”

“What that mean?”

Slowly shaking his head as he looked at me, “Dude ain't no way in hell you was letting her fine ass leave your side. If anyone of us even attempted to look at her cock eyed or longer than needed you was coming for our ass…”

“Whatever…”

“We all knew how you was feeling for her before we even met her so the thought of you and any other woman… especially you having a baby with one… ain't even possible…”

“Glad somebody knows…”

“How’s house hunting going?”

Softly sighing, “Remember when I said Robyn is in the weird food craving phase…”

“Yeah…”

“She’s also in the cry over everything even if it hasn’t happened yet phase…”

“Huh?”

“I thought we found it… it was perfect… everything she said she wanted… new construction… gated community… enough rooms for both our mothers and extra family that will come through after Baby Junior is born… finished basement… huge backyard… amazing kitchen… when I tell you it had everything she wanted it literally had everything…”

“Then why didn’t she like it?”

“She loved it but then she suddenly started crying about oil spots in the driveway…”

“I thought you said it was new construction…”

Slowly nodding my head as I softly sighed again, “It is… there were no oil spots… she was crying about oil spots that might come years down the line when my car goes out or…”

Softly laughing as he interrupted my explanation, “That’s why yo ass is here… you here hiding out cause you can’t deal no more and you needed a break…”

“You goddamn right…” softly laughing with him as I continued, “I’m just glad her and Gabby hit if off cause if we were with any other realtor we might have gotten a cuss out by now… my baby be wearing her out with all the shit she be wanting in a house and Gabby somehow comes through each and every time…”

“I was going to offer to hook you up with another realtor but Gabby seems like a perfect fit…”

“She is… she’s good people and it’s like we are working with an old friend who has our best interest in mind…”

“How she look?”

“I said she’s good people… that means she’s off limits for you…”

Softly laughing, “I’m a changed man… my hoe ways are behind me…”

“Punk you was just in the club with three different chicks…”

“Nobody asked you Terrence…”

Laughing as they went back and forth I don’t know if Bryce was the best mentor for Terrence to intern with. Bryce is good at his job but having him hang and mimic and learn from his every antic outside of work is an absolute mess and disaster waiting to happen. I had an opportunity to take him but with Baby Junior coming and everything else going on in my life I knew I didn’t have the time to dedicate and teach him everything he needed to know. I try to toss him a couple of things from time to time and if he were to ever need me I’m there but he’s under Bryce’s tutelage and I wish him well.

My phone calling to me I answered smiling almost instantly as my baby whispered softly about how much me missed me and wanted me home. No matter the crazy food crave or overly dramatic mood swing I missed her too and being by her side is where I wanted to be. Bidding my goodbyes to Terrence and Bryce I headed home to my baby stopping only to grab a junk food overload for her and her osmosed pregnant friends as well. And yet as I returned home I was shocked to see she had something set up for just me, her, and Baby Junior.

“What’s this?”

“I was thinking about you…”

“I thought about you too baby…”

“And I realized just how much I missed our just us time so…”

“What’d you do?” quickly looking around as I continued to question her, “where are the terrible twosome?”

Slowly shrugging “I put them out… they’re probably terrorizing Gabby right now…”

“Poor her…”

“She’ll be alright…” gently taking my hand, “come on…”

Leading me to the waiting table we sat and actually had dinner with just the two of us. Mel and Lee being here has been amazing but sometimes it’s damn near impossible remembering bow it felt with it being just Robyn and me. Laughingly she explained that the meal has started off as all of my favorites but by the time she was done every dish was everything she loved. Truthfully it wouldn’t have mattered what she cooked... the fact that it was just us made everything perfect. Smiling back in her direction I slowly fed Robyn the meal she spent all day making for me and with each smile and happy shimmy as the food filled her mouth I was filled up with everything that I needed.

After my nightly conversation with Baby Junior Robyn again took my hand leading me to a waiting bath she also set up for us. I know tonight was supposed to be about me and while I appreciate it there was no way in hell I’m not going to pamper and take care of her. Pulling her to me I gently kissed my favorite spot on her neck before I slowly began to undress her. Quieting her protest we let a temporary silence surround us as I placed my hands against her rounded stomach allowing my heart to swell at the truth of this moment.

Our baby… my son… if I allowed myself to think and dream and imagine I would literally fall to tears with every thought of him. When Robyn first mentioned wanting a baby I was ready to run from any real thought or possibility of one. In my mind we weren’t ready and I nearly let my fear of not being ready or enough to overtake me but something clicked instead and a baby between us became my greatest want and need. That night she agreed to have my babies I acted a plum fool and I would probably still be yelling and telling anyone who would listen just how happy and lucky I am because of her. But we had plans and positions to get that night so I dragged her as I allowed her to drag me from the top of the Empire State Building so we could start our baby making business.

Those first few months of trying… I’m shocked that we could still walk because some of the things we were doing should truly and honestly be prohibited by law but we tried them and if given half the chance we’d try them again just because. But we were so sure that becoming pregnant would be so damn simple and yet with every failed test my heart broke just a little and I was ready to end our quest seeing how each negative test broke Robyn’s heart even more. That last pregnancy test… I just knew… my heart was beating a million beats per second as I stood in the store buying every test I could see and I knew… and when she whispered Baby Junior was real and growing inside of her I knew our every attempt… the let downs and triumphs… were worth it. With a gentle caress of my cheek I leaned forward whispering my love to my son before tenderly kissing her stomach.

Her had in mine I led her to the bathtub helping her into the warmed water before I quickly undressed to join her. It’s moments like these that I want to go on forever. I’m forever grateful for the life we’re living and all that is coming to us but moments like this… when it’s just her and me and every distraction is gone and forgotten and the only thing that matters is the now. Her back to my chest I intertwined our hands as I rested them on her stomach. We’ve had a flutter or two where we were convinced that Baby Junior was kicking and making his presence known but everyone told us that it was too soon for that but they don’t know our son or how happy he is that we are his parents.

My hands slowly moving over her body it’s more than obvious where this night was going to go and despite how badly I will forever want her I was exactly ready to leave this moment. This moment felt soft and serene and I want to bask in that a little bit longer. Listening as she laughingly told of Leandra’s actions during their last shopping excursion I could only shake my head easily visualizing how over the top she acted. Hearing how Melissa joined in as they both attempted to find out the sex of our child I can’t help but wonder how much longer Robyn can hold out on the truth. Sensing my thoughts my love smiled back at me making a bet that she could hold out on the truth longer than me. We had a similar bet about admitting to us being married and I’m not sure who won or lost that one but I think we both enjoyed the payout. Betting something equally raunchy I whispered out need to exit the water as both our skin began to wrinkle and prune.

Wrapping her in a thick warm robe I again took her hand leading her out of the bathroom into our room. Wanting to pamper her still I directed her to sit as I gathered her favorite lotions and crèmes for her skin. And with her foot in my lap I slowly rubbed the scented lotions on her marveling in the softness of her skin.

Softly whispering, “I want to have a baby girl…”

“Well with the way Baby Junior is set up…”

Slowly shaking her head, “After Baby Junior…”

“Whatever you want…”

“When he turns six months we try again…”

Slowly nodding as I continued to rub lotion into her skin, “Where is all of this coming from baby?”

“You’re going to have Baby Junior…”

Softly whispering, “We both are…”

“Yeah but he’s going to instantly fall in love with all things daddy and will want to only be with you and I won’t have anybody to love up on and cover with kisses…”

“I’m here…”

“I give you different kind of kisses…”

Slowly wiggling his eyebrows, “The best kind…”

“You’re silly…”

“You really want another baby that soon?”

“I thought you wanted me to pop them out one after the other…”

Slowly shaking my head, “I want you to have our children whenever you’re ready to have them…”

“I’ll be ready to try again when Baby Junior turns six months…”

“And if we have another boy?”

Slowly shrugging, “We wait six months and then try again and we keep trying until we have our daughter…”

“Aww hell… we betta hurry up and pick a big ass house for all these damn kids cause I think I got at least six or seven boys lined up before I send out a girl…”

Softly laughing, “Whatever… you just make sure you send her…”

“I will…”

“It’s obvious we can’t try for her now but we can practice on what to do when it’s time to make her…”

Softly whispering as I looked up at her, “Practice?”

“We have the condo to ourselves and…”

“Them being here don’t really stop us…”

Softly smiling, “True…”

“So what we exactly are we ‘practicing’?”

Slowly standing Robyn allowed her robe to fall and puddle at her feet. My gaze locked on her every moved I watched as she moved to our bedroom door before she turned and whispered back to me.

Softly whispering, “Come on…”

That’s all that was needed to be said before I quickly stood and followed her to wherever she wanted our practice session to take place. We used to laugh and joke about folks watching us as we made love so I’m not too surprised to find her standing before our ceiling to floor windows waiting for me. I can’t help but stare at her because she epitomizes everything that is beautiful to me. Pregnancy has her body right… the curves and softness of her… I’m ready to fall at her feet vowing my eternal devotion over and over again. With her hand extended to mine I take a deep breath before I completely go to her.

Her back pressed against the window glass I leaned into her covering her face, mouth, neck, and shoulders with tiny delicate kisses. I wanted her to feel my every emotion with each caress of my kiss against her skin. As she softly whispered words of love back to me I fell to my knees as I moved kiss and taste down her body. My heart exploded as my kiss moved across the roundness of her stomach. She and Baby Junior are my everything and I will love and bless and cherish them both with every beat of my heart.

Her leg draped over my shoulder I leaned into her breathing, drowning, and relishing in the smell of her. I’m drunk on the smell of her arousal and I fall further under her influence as I moved the tip of my nose against her sensitized clit. With every move she called out to me which in turn only made me want to fall deeper still. She’s intoxicating and addictive and mine and I can’t stop my own moans as I slowly extended my tongue tasting her nectar and my life sustenance. I can and will never get enough of her and as she softly called out to me I silently vowed to please and pleasure and love her until she whispered for me to stop.

I slowly moved the tip of my nose down her slick folds kissing the skin offered to me. Extending my tongue feasted on the taste of her. Our moans filled the room creating a melody and rhythm that she moved her hips to as she slowly rode my tongue. I tasted her bliss as it filled my mouth and my want, desire, and need for her continued to grow. As I slowly stood I took her hand in mine leading her to our couch so beyond ready to be joined as one with her. Sitting back on the couch I helped her to straddle my lap softly moaning once again as she slowly eased down on my shaft. She felt so damn good and as her warmth surrounded me it took every damn thing in my not to grab hold of her waist and feverishly pound and pump up into her. While I wanted that feeling so damn bad I also wanted this to be soft and gentle and loving because that’s what she deserved. I let her dictate the speed and tempo of our loving making and with each move and turn and twist of her hips I fell just a little deeper still if that’s even possible.

Love is her. As we slowly moved together my everything stared back at me and I felt to hold myself together. She has changed my life in every way imaginable and without her I would be rendered useless, worthless, or of no value for anyone. But what’s more amazing than the love I have for her is the love she readily shows me in return. Locked in our stare I saw, felt, and knew love. I pressed my cheek into the palm of her hand as she caressed my cheek as she whispered her words of love to me. As much as I thought, dreamed, and hoped I never knew this type of love… this type of connection was possible. These moments… when every movement, every action, every touch is tender and gentle and loving are moments I want to last forever.

My arms now tenderly locked around her waist and hers around my neck Robyn kissed each freckle that coated my cheek and I leaned in closer to her as I helped her to keep count. It’s crazy… her love for them has me loving and appreciating and beyond grateful for every browned spec and mark that dotted my face and cheeks. I hated my freckles for as long as I could remember until the moment she whispered her love for them and with each brush of her kiss I long for our son to have them too so he can experience her love for them as well.

The feel of her kiss on my skin all thoughts of freckles and everything else flew from me and I closed my eyes giving in to the feelings forever given and brought to me through her. Her whispered wants are the driving force as I moved my touch down her back pulling her deeper still into me wanting and needing to as close to her as bliss came to us both. My name softly rolling off of her tongue I pushed up into her one last time wanting to stay lost in utopia with her forever.

“I love you Chris…”

Softly whispering, “I love you too baby…”

“All this freaky deaky shit in the front room…”

“Yeah…”

Softly sighing, “We should have just stayed in the room…”

“Why you say that?”

“Because when we do it again all we would have had to do was turn over in another spot and get going…”

“We can do it again in here…”

“I guess but we gotta clean up all the evidence before them two heffas come back…”

“I’ll clean everything up…”

Softly pouting, “But I’ll miss you…”

“You can sit your naked ass out here while I’m doing it…”

“Well that’ll defeat the purpose cause I’ll want to do it again…”

Softly smiling as I slowly nodded my head, “We can do that too…”

Quickly grabbing the blanket off the back of the couch Robyn fashioned the throw around her body as she slowly eased off of mine. Sitting beside me on the couch Robyn tightly closed her eyes covering them with her hands ensuring that any possibility of seeing was next to impossible before she laughingly spoke to me.

Softly laughing, “Get your naked booty up and clean up what we been doing so we can go and do it again in our room…”

“Babe…”

“Come on bwoy… I got plans for you in that room…”

“Why are you covering up your eyes for?”

“Cause if I watch you butt ass naked cleaning…”

“Well if I’m cleaning up I gotta put some shorts on first and then…”

Quickly interrupting me, “No…”

“Robyn…”

“I might change my mind and want to watch…”

“Babe…”

“Come on sexy man… clean up so we can go dirty up our room…”

And just like that she had me up naked free balling while I cleaned away any and all evidence of what we just did in the living room. If it were only Robyn and I here I don’t think it would matter if I had her bent over seven times on Sunday doing what we do best dropping juices, eruptions, and everything in between all over the place. We’d still clean it up but with Mel and Lee here we have to do it immediately and our dining table and countertops can only be used for eating and preparing food and everything else is strictly prohibited. If by chance we get even remotely close to leaving evidence behind I’m left damn near choking on bleach as it is wiped away. So here I am… bleach bottle and rag in hand while my penis swung in the wind because my love nicely asked me to do it and anything she asks I will do.

I hope like hell no one is watching or got binoculars trained on our window because we’ve given them a show and then some. And this full frontal display left little to the imagination as to what has Robyn’s belly swollen. As her arms wrapped around my body from behind Robyn took hold of me with her small hand slowly moving up and down my length hardening me with every stroke.

Softly whispering as I repeated my favorite line to her, “What is this?”

“I peaked and you looked so good I couldn’t keep my hands to myself…”

“I don’t think you want to keep doing that…”

Softly whispering as she softly caressed the tip of me with her thumb, “Why?”

I placed my head against the window momentarily losing myself in the feeling of my love giving me a slow hand job in plain view for all of Detroit to see. She’s alternating between slow soft strokes and hard quick jerks and it’s messing my head and breathing up. She literally had me in the palm of her hand and even if I wanted to stop her there was no way in hell I could. Muttering and mumbling words I didn’t even know I fumbled out answers to every whispered question she sent my way.

Softly whispering, “Do that feel good baby?”

“I…we… please…”

Gently kissing the skin behind my ear as she increased her speed, “I just want to make you feel good…”

“Baby please…”

I can’t take it anymore and the feel of her hand movements and tender kisses across my back I gave into her and lost it calling out her name over and over again as streams of our future babies went flying against the our just cleaned window. As my head rested against the window as I attempted to come down from my high my love softly whispered to me causing me to to fumble and bumble until I put away my cleaning products before I ran after her.

Despite the raunchiness of her words when we came together in the room we were soft and tender and us. I love her and I will allow nothing or no one to ever come between the love and life we’ve created together. This was might to be… we were meant to be and every second, every minute, every moment I love her more than the second, minute, moment before. Tenderly kissing her forehead as it rested against my chest I pulled in closer to me as we softly whispered back and forth to one another.

“I love you Chris…”

Softly whispering, “I love you too Robyn…”

“You’re my everything…”

“I must have done a good job cleaning huh…”

Softly laughing, “Shut up…”

“You’re my everything too…”

“The next house we look at…”

“Yeah…”

“I want that one…”

“Gabby send you some pictures or something?”

Slowly shaking her head, “No… I’m just tired of looking…”

“Babe…”

“I’m ready for a house for you, me, and Baby Junior… Gabby has been doing an amazing job but I’m just tired…”

“We can wait if…”

“No… I want to move… I’m ready to move… it’s just…”

“I want you to have everything you ever dreamed about in a house… I want our house to be perfect…”

Gently touching my cheek as she stared up at me, “It will be as long as you and Baby Junior is there with me…”

“You really ready to stop looking?”

“Yes…”

“Gabby betta pick a damn good house…”

“She will…” softly sighing as she tightly wrapped her arms around me, “I can wait to decorate the nursery…”

“I had a dream about it…”

“What did you dream?”

“I was sitting in a big comfortable chair that I was holding you in while you were holding Baby Junior…”

“Aww…”

“And there was a big mat in the middle of the floor that every baby toy you could think of on it… I didt see it in my dream but I know my big ass was down there playing on the mat with him…”

“What color was his room?”

“I don’t didn’t dream that part… in my dream we were fussing and disagreeing in the paint store before we ending up picking and paying for the color you wanted…”

Softly laughing, “Damn right…”

“We did the same thing with the baby furniture… and the cuss words you threw my way for trying to put the furniture together…”

“You probably deserved them…”

Laughing as I nodded my head, “I did… that furniture was a mess by the time I finished putting it together…”

“Real life you not do it… not about to have my baby falling through the bed cause he daddy don’t know what he’s doing…”

Softly laughing, “Like you can do better…”

“We have a bet… when it’s time to decorate the nursery you pick something and I pick something… whoever puts it together the best win…”

Slowly smirking, “Win what exactly?”

“Whatever you want Mr. Nasty…”

Quickly kissing her cheek, “Right back at you Mrs. Nasty…”

Laughing at our corniness Robyn slowly shook her head as she turned into me before whispering about all the things we wanted to experience in our new house. The thought that the next house Gabby showed up being the house we move into is a scary thought but if that’s what Robyn wants that’s what Robyn will get. Gabby has been fantastic in the houses she has been finding us so my only hope is our wait to finally claim it as ours isn’t long. Little Mrs. Nasty has turned the subject matter into things I will need that damn bleach bottle for again and with each whispered word and tug on certain body parts it just might be worth going to retrieve it. But then again we are in our room so her will and want I’m more than ready to give to her. My whispers joined hers and sheets fell away and smiles covered faces as she positioned herself on top of me like I requested. We have plenty of time to talk about the house and nurseries and every other room in our coming house but right here right now her moving against me and I moved against her is all that matters.

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kirain · 7 years

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Fallout 4 - Unlikely Ships

Oswald and Amari: Okay, I know this one seems odd, but think about it. They're both determined, clever, headstrong, stubborn as mules and set in their ways. In an alternate future, however, Oswald may end up working with Amari to find a cure for ghouls. While Amari conducts research and develops a serum, Oswald constantly butts in, demanding answers, arguing about a feral's mental capacity: "I spent more time around them! I know what they're like!" All the while they slowly grow on each other and actually fall in love. They go together like Kagome and Inuyasha, Ranma and Akane, Bulma and Vegeta. Eventually they become completely dedicated to one another, and even find some success in reversing the FEV virus. The clash between magic and science becomes their most beloved opposite. They see something in each other that no one else does, and it's one of the many reasons they click. Oswald makes Amari laugh, and Amari makes Oswald realize that it's okay for him to love again.

Kent and Piper: What goes together better than a superhero-obsessed comic book nerd and a news reporter? Lois Lane and ... well, not Superman. More like Jimmy Olsen, really. But the young, budding romance is there. It's real. It's tangible. They're both kind, affectionate, and devoted to the truth. They have the same sense of righteousness that's actually a rare commodity in Fallout. They care about the Commonwealth, about people, and maybe it's just me but I can definitely see Kent being the perfect big brother to Nat. They'd make an excellent team. Piper could bring Kent the stories, and Kent could broadcast them all across the wasteland. Each day they grow closer and closer until they both awkwardly declare that they love each other; and from there that love only blossoms into the purest example of the good that can still exist in the Commonwealth. Vadim and Glory: Different cities, same personality. Although Glory is far more intense, both she and Vadim seem like they love a good time. When they get together, all hell breaks loose. Glory loves to fight and party, and Vadim loves to drink and cause trouble. While so many couples in the Commonwealth are complete opposites, Vadim and Glory are so alike it hurts. They drink, they're loud, and they love to explore every hedonistic habit. What's more, they're completely dedicated to each other. Every moment they spend together fills them with joy. Glory definitely tries to toughen Vadim up, and Vadim tries to make Glory a bit more personable, but together they're practically unstoppable ... and incorrigible.

Cait and Haylen: Haylen doesn't seem nearly as uptight as the rest of the BOS, and Cait seems like the perfect crazy to match her calm. Haylen admits that she joined the Brotherhood because she was scared and didn't know how to defend herself. Imagine, then, that after Danse's secret is revealed, Haylen gets banished from the BOS for aiding and abetting him. She ends up all alone in the wasteland, no weapons or friends. One day, she's saved by Cait, who takes her in, gears her up, and teaches her how to fight without a pack of soldiers at her back. Over time, Haylen comes to admire Cait, and even love her. The feelings are returned when Haylen helps the old addict face her past and forgive herself for the horrible atrocities she committed. Haylen accepts Cait for who she is and everything she was, and Cait accepts Haylen for all of that and more.

Vault-Tec sales rep and Daisy: Since they hardly spoke in Goodneighbor, I can only assume this is because of some altercation. I like to imagine that when Felix (that's what I call him) arrived, he wanted to open a shop or secure a major trade agreement. Little did he know, at the time, Daisy was the top brass in the city, and she didn't take kindly to the competition. To make matters worse, she somehow found out about his past and connection to Vault-Tec, and sort of unintentionally started a rumour about it. After that, no one in the city would even look at him. Centuries later, they settle the dispute when the SS finds him and gives him a job. Daisy apologizes profusely for ruining his life, and Felix admirably forgives her. Seeing his worth, she agrees to become his business partner, and as they work together they find themselves falling in love. Not long after they open a new shop, all of the pieces fall in place as they reminisce about the past. It starts with a kiss, and then everything else that follows.

Edward Deegan and Magnolia: Okay, I know someone is gonna grill me for not pairing him with Jack, but this is unlikely ships. Plus, I never really got that vibe from them. Jack seems to treat Deegan like a servant, and only a servant. I mean, he leaves the poor guy open-wound bleeding to death on the ground without so much as a stimpack or bandage. He even has the audacity to ask him if he can get up and help. On top of that, even after four-hundred years Jack still makes him sleep in a tiny cellar on a bed that's several inches too small for him. They live in a mansion with eighteen rooms and they give Deegan a closet. -___-

Now that that's out of the way, I feel that Deegan and Magnolia would make a perfect couple. Imagine he sits in his room every night, listening to Goodneighbor radio while he cleans his guns. He tunes in and listens to her sing, which reminds him of better, simpler days. Magnolia is also a synth, so it's possible her personality and voice are a direct imprint from an actual performer who lived in Deegan's era. They meet when Deegan goes hunting for recruits and ends up in the Third Rail. He catches the singer's eye and she introduces herself, instantly charmed by his manly build and mysterious charisma. He requests a song, and she sings it specially for him, giving it her all. When it's over, he buys her a drink and they end up dancing slowly to the music. He has to return home, but finds excuses to visit as often as he can. Soon the distance becomes too much and he leaves Cabot House forever, both with Jack's blessing and displeasure. Together they build a life-- and a house-- and spend every moment living the life they once missed out on.

Jack Cabot and Sierra: Both of them are just the right amount of crazy. After the death of Lorenzo, Jack is at a loss. Most days he lounges about the house, driving himself mad over not being productive. He decides it's time to get away, see the world and travel. It goes horribly wrong. He ends up in Nuka World, surrounded by hostile people he doesn't know how to deal with. His only saving grace is his ability to refine energy weapons. The factions keep him alive and enslave him, forcing him to improve their guns. He hates himself for doing it, but it's the only leverage he has. One day, a tourist comes along; an air-headed woman named Sierra. Curious about his inventions, she inquires about who he is and why he's so clever. They begin talking and he accidentally mentions the serum. He covers his mouth, terrified for having told his deepest secret, but all Sierra cares about is the flavour. He cocks his head as she presses him for what the serum tasted like, and he confusingly says it tasted kind of like sour fruit punch. She asks him if he can invent new flavours of Nuka, and he answers with a shrugged out "probably". The next day Sierra breaks him out and drags him back home, where she begs him for a new flavour as payment. Jack obliges, becoming enamoured with her odd personality. When she thanks him and goes to leave, he quickly asks if she'd like to stay at his manor. She agrees with a smile, and from there they spend the rest of their lives creating new Nuka Cola (healthy flavours that nourish the people), and even start a family of freaky little scientist juniors.

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tube-thoughts-blog · 6 years

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tube thoughts vol. 7

zero stars - terrible, 1/2 a star - dull, 1 star - folly, 1 1/2 stars - lacking, 2 stars - fair, 2 1/2 stars - decent, 3 stars - terrific

Rifftrax presents "Cool As Ice" --1991-- *Snow aka Justin Bieber gives Bella Swan goosebumps and crotch-rocket road rash.* 3 stars with riffing or running from zero to 1 star without

"Dumb and Dumber To" ---2014--- *Sloppy seconds.* 2 stars

VH1 --sneak peak-- "Suave Says" --2014-- *A "thrilling" inside look into the post music career, current evangelical motivational speaking venture, and wealthy domestic drama of a one hit wonder pop star from wayback in 1991. Gerardo aka Rico Suave.* 1/2 a star

"That's My Boy" (2012) *Topics like underage student and teacher sexual relationships and incest are dealt with maturely by Adam Sandler, Andy Samberg, and Vanilla Ice. Of course not, but this isn't even creatively controversial or riotously raunchy in any remarkable way. It's just another formulaic Adam Sandler movie that hits all the same notes as usual.* either zero stars or 1 star

The Tom Green Show -Rogers Community Tv- -The Comedy Network- (1998) *Bemused, pertubed, fumed. These are just a few of the reactions Tom illicits from anyone not in on the joke.* 2 stars

Are You Afraid of the Dark: The Tale of Laughing in the Dark *"Pick the right door, and you'll go free. Pick the wrong door, and there he'll be." He being a cigar puffing, nightmarish, funhouse clown.* 3 stars

"Housebound" ---2014--- *"An active mind in an inactive environment." The Brits make a superbly spooky mystery with dry and subtle humor.* 3 stars

"Chonda Pierce On Her Soapbox" (1999) *Folksy entertainment variety and jubilee from a real life Peggy Hill.* 1 star

Buckmasters -Young Bucks- "The Misadventures of Bubba" (1992) *Near fatal hunting accidents hilarity with a Jim Varney caricature.* between 1 1/2 and 2 stars

"Dancing Outlaw, Jesco White" (1991) & Jesco Goes to Hollywood (1994) *''Sorrow, hatred, and madness. '' "If you wanna get to heaven, you got to raise a little hell."* Heaven for Jesco is dancing at Elvis' star on the Hollywood walk of fame and guest starring on Roseanne or huffing fumes.* 3 stars

Fargo: The Crocodile's Dilemma *"What's the policy? See, I'm sort of a student of institutions." Billy Bob Thornton can play indifferent malice like no other.* 3 stars

15 Storeys High: The Sofa *Lord Snooty's couch, club card, co-opting of other people's conundrums, and crisis 'cause he can't stand to be cuddled.* between 2 1/2 and 3 stars

12:01 Beyond-- Christmas Special 2014 -------------------------------

*World Friendship Society - Please Just Go (music video)* close to 2 1/2 stars

*Le Passage (movie trailer): More badass than Home Alone and Rambo.* 3 stars

*Lobo for the charity "Socks for Tots" gently used socks for children at Christmas at the North Pole. Lonely odd socks for lonely odd kids.* 2 1/2 stars

*Ninja, the Mission Force: "Clam chowder can only mean a ninja challenge."* 2 1/2 stars

*Lobo argues the Holiday Blues with his potted plant, Ms. Mittens.* between 2 & 2 1/2 *

*Fleischer Studios - Superman - The Arctic Giant: A kaiju nearly destroys Metropolis and swallows Lois whole.* 3 stars

*Treevenge: sentient x-mas trees turn the tables on crass Christmas celebrations and begin tearing the merry folk to shreds.* 3 stars

*Lobo fills holiday stockings full of leftover Halloween Candy.* 2 1/2 stars

*Lobo meets Ro-Man the Robot Monster from the 1950s B sci fi movie, at the north pole, and suggests he kidnap Santa Claus.* between 2 1/2 and 3 stars

*Reverse Pharmacology: Incredibly hilarious imagined symptoms of a placebo taken by medical test subjects under lab conditions.* close to 3 stars

*Pueblo Sleep Solutions presents 'The Bedtime Bruiser' (commercial)* 2 1/2 stars

*Don't Open Till Christmas (movie): Scotland Yard is on the case of serial slayings of Santas.* between 2 and 2 1/2 stars

*Lobo gets an 8 track player for X Mas* 2 stars

*The Lobo (DC Comics character, not the guy from the 12:01 skits) Paramilitary Christmas Special: The Easter Bunny hires the meanest bounty hunter in the galaxy to hunt down and take out the fat man and his elves.* 3 stars

*Sleigh Runner: The Communist tradition of Christmas is put to an end by a Eastern European Rob Zombie lookalike cowboy killer.* 2 1/2 stars

*Happy Holidays to all the fans of the New Mission Impossible (tv series).* 3 stars

*"This Christmas forget milk and cookies. He wants blood." TWo Front Teeth (low budget movie trailer). The elves in this flick look pretty nightmarish and the characters, especially the black cowboy, look interesting. Interest peaked.* 3 stars

*Republic Pictures Serial -The Crimson Ghost- Chapter 3- The Fatal Sacrifice: The Crimson Ghost's hideous high wire act.* between 2 1/2 and 3 stars

*The metal band HEMI perform the song Dust to Dust live in a club.* close to 3 stars

*Neon Harbor presents Space Ninja the animated movie: A cyber dystopia mixed with feudal Japan. technology and swordplay eyecandy-gorgeous must see for me.* 3 stars

*Ro-Man mistakenly beheads Santa for Lobo who claims no responsibility for the death of the mythical character.* 2 1/2 stars

*Action International Home Pictures presents the "Gruesome Holiday shocker." "Elves" starring Grizzly Adams (retro movie trailer)* 3 stars

*Vinegar Syndrome presents on Blu Ray "You Better Watch Out" aka "Christmas Evil": And they've added a beautifully twisted painted portrait of the movie's tragic hero on the box art.* 3 stars

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Tales from the Crypt: The Ventriloquist's Dummy *Pathetic weirdo and hack ventriloquist comedian Bobcat Goldthwait's idol Don Rickles isn't really a retired, bitter legend of ventriloquism. He's actually a prisoner of his own responsibility to keep his beautiful-woman-hating, conjoined twin freak brother from ever killing again.* 3 stars

Freddy's Nightmares: Deadline ----------

*Writing obituaries does seem like the typically morbid Summer job that a Springwood teenager would have.* between 2 1/2 and 3 stars

*Springwood, where suicidal teenagers wish they were dead so that they can be reunited with their ghost bff(s) and douchebag, ponytailed dreamlovers.* 2 stars

---------------------------------------------

Red Shoe Diaries: Safe Sex *A smooth talker brings a sad, vulnerable business professional lady in out of the rain, and she still makes him wear a raincoat in bed. So, so, softcore stories sent in to a personal ad's post office box and then picked up and retold by shadowy anywhere North America David Duchovny character, which is nice trimming for the show, but damn is the sensitive lite soul torch singing background music awful. I prefer a cheesy, solo saxophone over this -Lifetime For Women lyrics- boner killing tripe.* close to 2 1/2 stars

Brian De Palma's "The Black Dahlia" (2006) *I'm a sucker for Los Angeles noir settings, slaughtered pretty girls like Laura Palmer, and conspiracy art like Alan Moore's From Hell.* 2 1/2 stars

Transparent: season 1 -episode 1 *Three self absorbed siblings can't see past themeselves enough to be aware of their father for what he truly is and themselves for what they might actually be. The conservative side of me wants to say that this is more of liberal Hollywood's agenda to undermine traditional America by saying everyone secretly wants and would be happier with an alternative lifestyle. Also, I can't remember the last time I saw so many aesthetically interesting (not exploitive or trying too hard to be sexy) glimpses of comfortable nudity.* 3 stars

Weird Science: Cyrano DeBraniac *"The savage game of sexual attraction" requires all of one's synapses to be firing and it doesn't hurt to have a time and space manipulating genie, who's also sexy, to unzip Einstein's undead brain out of the fourth dimension.* 2 1/2 stars

Thundarr the Barbarian: Den of the Sleeping Demon *A pair of clumsy junior adventurers, and their huge bird friend, help rebury a genetic research monstrosity that was given a high voltage reawakening.* 3 stars

--- Swamp Thing: The Dark Side of the Mirror

*Everyone in this town is so stupid and easily manipulated that Arcane could have probably just walked up to the new determined district attorney, at dinner in a fancy restaurant, and shot him in the head, instead of genetically mutating the musclebound moronic deputy into a Swamp Thing double assassin.

The town formed an extremely enraged mob, in a matter of minutes, and even the longest running protagonist human characteron the show (Jim's mom) is willing to throw her morals aside for blind vengeance.

Thank goodness Jim's brother Will, the new female lead Kari Wuhrer, and Swamp Thing are decent characters.

I'm glad for the upgrade from Jim to Will. Will is a better character and it gives the show more of an adult cast and less of a Timmy fell down the well and needs to be saved, each week, routine.

Still, some of the acting is low quality from the extras.

Feels like they used the stunt man from the fight scenes to do the lines, to save money, when it would have been better to switch him out for a real actor.*

between 1 1/2 and 2 stars

--------------------------------------------------

Paranormal State: season 1 -episode 17 *A wild goose chase for the legendary Mothman. The leader of PRS probably doesn't realize how much he comes off like X Files' Fox Mulder as he keeps repeating the phrase "I want to believe."* between 2 and 2 1/2 stars

Kolchak, the Night Stalker: The Sentry *"Don't linger in the shadows." It will "rile the bile" about lizard-men living deep within the earth where corporations and shadowy government organizations are storing their darkest secrets. The most daring reporter,ever, of tabloid monster mysteries makes his last (documented) stand down there.* 3 stars

"Room 237" (2012) *"The past doesn't exist." But film historians, and fans, are still dissecting the ghost of Stanley Kubrick and the symbolic filmic events surrounding the almost mythical Overlook Hotel.* 3 stars

Lucio Fulci's "Conquest" (1983) *Cro-Magnon man was ruled by a cruel dominatrix / naked lady performance artist / new-age goddess, along with her band of fanatical furries. That is until Ronnie James Dio & Luke Skywalker changed things. Conquest establishes itself apart from other low budget and dumb sword & sorcery flicks, of the early 1980s, with its dreamlike aesthetic and gore-crazy practical special fx.* between 2 1/2 and 3 stars

"Begotten" (1990) *Imagine a super 8mm National Geographic hallucination of twitching, early 20th century mental patients being tortured and abused in the ruins of a 19th century pastoral southern gothic wasteland lurked over by pre-modern-civilization tribal sacrificial rites that are even more hellish and nightmarish than actual pagan practices predating contemporary times. Black mold on the walls of farmhouses with sun peeled paint and holes in the tin roof where the sound of dripping rain and viscus is constant on rusting metal surfaces that lie just beyond open rock quarries crawled over by lepers, in rags, dragging shaved and mutilated Christ-like figures who spew black stigmata from their weeping eyes and mouths.* 3 stars

Squidbillies: Taint Misbehavin' *A dying Dan Halen requires the citizens of Dougal County to join him in the paradise of the afterlife. Granny and Early get giddy because they mistakenly believe they're going to a resort town in Tennessee, when they're actually heading for the ancient Egyptian land of the dead.* 2 1/2 stars

Workaholics -2015 Season- --preview trailer-- *Some Comedy Central money went into a 2 minute parody of the new Mad Max movie, popular crime tv shows like Sons of Anarchy, strippers, bullet porn fx, and "cool" explosions.* close to 2 1/2 stars (for the misguided effort)

Hannibal: Apéritif *The mongoose meets the cobra.* 3 stars

Jonny Quest: The House of the Seven Gargoyles *An icy fate for an acrobatic dwarf creeping around a castle posing as a gothic statue and trying to choke his unsuspecting victims.* 3 stars

Dr. Who (4th Doctor - Tom Baker): The Android Invasion *A Benedict Arnold astronaut returns from being lost in space, now brainwashed by aliens carrying a shipment of human replicants and a deadly virus.* 3 stars

Farscape: Jeremiah Crichton *Crichton becomes a castaway on green planet inhabited by a tribal, and somewhat peaceful people, although there is some jealousy when the daughter of the chief becomes smitten with Crichton. After spending part of a cycle looking for Crichton, Rigel and Dargo find him all scruffy and weather beaten. In a Return of the Jedi C3PO twist, Rigel is the tribe's prophesized messiah and the three must save these exiled, forced by forcefield to be primitive people, or else be sacrificed themselves due to stupid politics and a conspiracy of priestly hierarchy.* 3 stars

Bob & Margaret: For Pete's Sake *Bob's brother is a pretentious tv chef, and when he gets a gig in India, Bob and Margaret have to look after his two annoying brats.* 3 stars

Are You Afraid of the Dark: The Tale of the Dark Music *The power to control demonic forces, living in the root cellar, lies in the sounds on the radio. A tired of being picked on paperboy uses this knowledge to payback the scummy metal-head bully next door and his mean, little sister.* 3 stars

"The Initiation of Sarah" (1978) *This feels like a hazy 70s tv movie version of Carrie the college years. Two sisters pledge and go through the occult like Greek sorrority ceremonies. The good looking one gets picked by Morgan Fairchild's meangirl sisters and has to be cruel to the other. The timid one has her telepathic powers exploited by a witch wannabe Shelly Winters in the rival plain Jane house complete with a maze backyard.* between 2 1/2 & 3 stars

---Thrashin'--- (1987) *Square jawed Josh Brolin is too straight laced to be taken seriously by skatepunks in the 80s L.A. skatescene. The leader of a gang of Lost Boys also wants Brolin to stay away from his out of town and just visiting, Idaho pretty tomato younger sister. It hits all the right notes for an 80s extreme sports fun adventure flick.* 2 1/2 stars

Tales from the Crypt: Fitting Punishment *A cheapskate ghetto mortician is willing to cut corners no matter the cost to human decency. He embalms using dirty tap water. He buys cheap coffins from China. He clips out the gold and silver teeth of the deceased. He even blames his orphaned nephew for being a financial burden and cripples him, then sells his Air Jordans to pay medical expenses. When that's not enough, he murders him and saws him a foot shorter above the ankles so that he can stuff the boy into a cheap coffin for Chinamen.* 3 stars

Hill Street Blues: Film At Eleven *Llama stolen from the zoo and almost used in a slumland apartment voodoo ceremony. Cops style film crew documenting the precinct. Herman Dracula, alledged wannabe vampire. It's funny until he commits suicide in his private cell. Ballistics confirms that they've found the handgun used in the near fatal shooting of officers Renko & Hill. Relief comes with uncertainty. It's raining in the police station, the roof is leaking and everyone is getting the flu because of it. This show can't help but end on a melancholy note due to all the lingering emotions. Rollercoaster, as usual.* 3 stars

Tru Tv- --South Beach Tow-- --Bernice's Top 20-- *"Best of" countdown of fake reality show beatdowns by an angry black woman?* 1 star

Botched: Vagina Bomb! *The same network (E!) that encourages viewers to idolize trainwreck celebrities and their fake bodies, also exploits sick individuals who've butchered their own bodies in order to achieve that phony Hollywood dream. Of course this show is under the guise of "fixing" plastic surgery mistakes, but the client/patient usually receives even more body enhancements and still looks like a nightmare.* either zero stars or 2 stars

True Detective: The Long Bright Dark *Heathen homicide in a hick shit-haven where if one doesn't parrot the standard beliefs of others, and oddly speaks in a stream of consciousness like Cormac McCarthy, then one's peers tilt their heads and cock their ears like a confused dog in misunderstanding and disbelief.* 3 stars

---- New Year's Movie Marathon ---------------------------------

Monstervision with Joe Bob Briggs: Time Runner (1992) *Spoilers, for The Force Awakens, ahead. Be Warned. Years after Return of the Jedi, Luke is having a midlife crisis and skynet is using star destroyers to blow up Los Angeles. So he travels back in time to the Washington Canadian border getting in ugly rental car chases with human looking alien Rae Dawn Chong and gunning down well armed baddies, along side the goofy deputy from Twin Peaks, & watching their hilarious death throes. All while making sure Senator Palpatine can't prevent Seth Rogen and James Franco from nuking North Korea thirty years in the future. Make sense?* between 1 1/2 and 2 stars

Mystery Science Theater 3000: 12 To The Moon ---plus--- "Dream to Design" -short- *The woman of the future visits the satellite of love and turns the robots crow and tom servo into kitschy househould appliances. meanwhile, the united nations of nasa proves earth's worthiness to the lunar neighbors.* 2 1/2 stars with riffing and between 1 1/2 and 2 stars without

Terry Gilliam's "Brazil" *A depressed Da Vinci with his wings clipped by the dulled scissors that society can no longer cut all the red tape with.* 3 stars

Fritz Lang's "Metropolis" *In my life of relative ease, I watch this movie on my cheap consumer electronics provided for me by workers in horrible third world conditions.* 3 stars

"Starry Eyes" (2014) *Ambition. Attrition. Ascension. All the way from Hooters Girl who can't get taken seriously at low-grade movie auditions to transforming into a Hollywood harlot comes at the price of one's soul taken by the Satanists who run the movie industry and helped sanctified with blood and betraying those closest also climbing the ladder.* close to 3 stars

"Messiah of Evil" (1973) *What if, after Thanksgiving, America honored the Donner Party Massacre by having Black Friday be masses of mad people tearing into raw red meat at supermarkets? This flick is like the eerie calm before an apocalypse. Too weird, almost, to describe, and if one tried to, a bug would appear on their tongue and they would cough up insects and lizards.* 3 stars

"Strange Days" (1995) *"Memories were meant to be forgotten. They were designed that way." Let old acquaintance as well. 20 year old predictions about the new century, by James Cameron, are still pretty relevant. Questions about the abuse of police force. Urban upheaval and riots. Voyeurism being a social media (though it's not as seedy as it's imagined in this movie).Things James Cameron got a little off are plenty too. Musicians stopped being, for the most part, political messengers. Trainwreck skank rock queens like Courtney Love aren't nearly as talented as James thinks or as worth going through hell over, but they're still a huge part of the media's obsession. Found footage and virtual reality may just be entertainment fantasy, but the themes in this movie are played out daily on actual viral videos.* between 2 1/2 and 3 stars

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Max Headroom: Academy *What if corporations had their own legal systems? What if a death penalty trial was turned into a tv game show? Viewers of the HLN network sort of get to experience this. What if criminal profiles were assigned to innocent people who fit a certain stereotype? Wait a minute....* 3 stars

Joe R. Lansdale's "Cold In July" (2014) *A considerate and well adjusted family man has to stand his ground, on shaky legs, but isn't in the overzealous camp of his hometown neighbors who wanna pat him on the back for it. He never feels right about the incident and his remorse pulls him into a world of Dixie mafia killings, Texas Mexico border crime, and a friendship with a flamboyant and dogged private detective and the deeply burdened man who mistakenly stalked the family man's family when he was wrongly convinced the family man slayed his son in the stand your ground incident. In a bizarre twist, the three men come together to help the deeply burdened man solve his burden of putting down his wayward son who's making snuff films with hookers. It reminds me a lot of William Devane's "Rolling Thunder," another revenge flick with a lot of bitter sorrow and dark themes.* 3 stars

The Tom Green Show -Rogers Community Tv- --The Comedy Network-- (1998) *Tom is an absurdist comedian who can sometimes be traditionally clever in his humor. He drinks purple koolaid with a cult who worship an alien version of Jesus Christ's brother, he ruins an Elvis impersonator street performance and almost gets his ass kicked for it, and he continues to try to prove he's the biggest idiot in the room.* close to 2 1/2 stars

The Prisoner: The Schizoid Man *The Village have number 6 convinced he's twice the man he was using an uncanny double.* 3 stars

Game of Thrones: season 3 episode 7 *"People work together when it suits them, they're loyal when it suits 'em, they love when it suits 'em, and they kill when it suits them."* 3 stars

"Under the Skin" (2013) *Scarlet Joe Handsome is an enticing alien, in a black wig and brightly painted lips, driving around Scotland, in a pedo van, indifferently observing all the quiet, everyday human suffering and luring horny, confused men back to her abandoned building / nest / spaceship(?) --where they step sinking into a surreal black pool of liquid.* either 1/2 a star or 2 stars

American Horror Story- -Coven -The Replacements *Sober Santeria. What other show is going to have a pothead, white trash mom molest her patchwork monster, back from the morgue, college boy son? or let a juicy and morbidly obese black virgin finger herself in front of a minotaur? not many spring to mind.* 3 stars

Gargoyles: The Edge *Zanatos uses the steel clan and a Tony Stark type tech gargoyle suit to frame the real gargoyles for the museum heist of 'the eye of Odin,' in order to have the cops chasing them all around town and scare them into coming back under the wings of his 'protection,' which would have the gargoyles inprisoned in a research lab.* 3 stars

Rifftrax - Total Riff Off - Man vs. Monster *"Meeting the channel's factual quota, we now return to the bullshit." Rifftrax skewers another one of those pretentious explorer douchebags, from National Geographic Wild, that are always trying to turn a simple creature of nature into a tall tale monster.* 3 stars with riffing 1 star without

Son of the Beach: With Sex You Get Eggroll *satire of sex slaves and sex jokes, both smartly done.* 3 stars

Carman -Yo Kidz! -The Vidz *Gnarly Jesus dudes, hip musical kids, and cumbersome cat costumes.* 1 star

Morton Downey Jr.: Cults *A man who once had a cult-like tv audience examines mind control organizations and self-help pseudo-religions.* close to 3 stars

Mel Brooks in "High Anxiety" *Side-splitting neuroses.* 3 stars

Tales from the Crypt: Korman's Kalamity *A cartoonist's monstrous creations come to life after years of nagging from an abusive spouse and his recent forced use of an experiment male potency medication.* 2 1/2 stars

"Al-TV" -April Fools Day 1984 *"I could just watch videos all day until my brain turned to mush. Couldn't you?" Weird Al takes over MTV from its bland video disc jockeys and turns the channel into the absurdity it should be.* 3 stars

"Traxx" (1998) *"Be good, be gone, or be dead." Shadoe Stevens is one tough cookie as he parodies every 80s action hero vigilante and western cowboy cliche come to clean up a Troma version of a Texas town in one of the weirdest, left field comedies ever.* 3 stars

Hippies: Protesting Hippies *Simon Pegg tries to spark a Y2K revival of the comedic rebelliousness of The Young Ones with a Britcom That 60s Show.* between 2 1/2 and 3 stars

Northern Exposure: Pilot Episode *A "Jew, New York doctor" finds unspoiled land, wildlife, hell... even people (patients) "just waiting to be fondled" in middle-of-nowhere, Alaska.* 3 stars

X Files: Space *Otherworldy phantom sabotaging shuttle missions. A study on how stifled and subdued the space program has become.* 2 1/2 stars

"Freaks, Nerds, and Weirdos" -MTV (1994) *MTV NEWS looks at Generation X's social outcasts like nerdy hipster college kids, quirky celebrities, and alternative musicians and they talk about their struggles with being different from "the norm." Ironically, the show is framed with commercials featuring beautiful skin care and fashion model young people bragging about how great it is to be one of the in group of the beautiful ones.* 2 1/2 stars

"The Myth of the American Sleepover" (2010) *The last bittersweet days of Summer and the pre-conceived notion of sublimity for a group of suburban teenagers. Indie movies about the adolescent rite of passage to adulthood aren't as fun as exploitation flicks about the same thing, but the delicate and thoughtful manner in which the subject matter is approached allows for more personal reflection for the viewer.* close to 3 stars

Turner Classic Movies: Beneath the Planet of the Apes *Twice as bleak of an ending as the first.* 3 stars

--- "Bates Motel" (1987)

*After spending his youth in the looney bin with Norman Bates as his father figure, Bud Court (Harold & Maude), and a great casting choice, inherits the Bates Motel from the deceased Norman whom he carries around in an urn afterwards.

With the help of a spunky squatter (Lori Petty) and a Morgan Freeman esque handyman, he reopens the falling apart eyesore and deals with the rumors of the place being haunted and the fast moving yuppies of the 80s who wanna exploit the property to keep with the changing and advancing landscape of the times.

Tonally a weird mixture of maudlin and mockingly humorous. Whoda thunk they could take a legacy of a Hitchcock suspense thriller and throw in one those feel good fixing up the place montages, a Happy Days 1950s teen ghosts dance party with a dreamlover angel Jason Bateman, and Scooby Doo villain plot twist?*

either 1 star or close to 2 1/2 stars

---------------------------------------------------------------

"An Evening With Bobcat Goldthwait, Share The Warmth" (1987) *Bobcat chugs two six-packs of TAB and then proceeds to frighten uncomfortable laughter out of a group of yuppies in a nightclub.* 2 1/2 stars

"Beyond Vaudeville" (1986-90s) *Best of a weird NYC public access variety show with guests and acts like Grandpa Munster, Tiny Tim, "the Edith Bunker of massage," climbing Harpo's ladder with Wavy Gravy, Burt Reynold's fantasy Turkish woman (possible delusional stalker), Greg Brady, the arm and the giant from Twin Peaks, the theme from the Flying Nun on spoons, Rock Around the Clock in Yiddish, an Underdog / Dracula enthusiast / interpretive dancer, and many other pathetic bizarre folk. Sammy Davis who?* 3 stars

Morton Downey Jr.: Central Park Squatters *A heated shouting match between freaks and fascists over the issue of gentrification.* 3 stars

"Scoundrels" (1982) a Cecil Howard adult film *"Life's too fucking short." Ron Jeremy is the long dick, long suffering dad, just like Kevin Spacey, in a sexually frustrated slice of American Pie.* 3 stars

American Horror Story -Murder House- "Rubber Man" *"What is it about being dead that makes me so horny?" Hysterical lady troubles.* close to 3 stars

"The Guest" (2014) *A psychotic super-soldier gone awol and come to roost with the troubled family of a fallen comrade. Pulses like an homage to 80s action movies in the vein of John Carpenter.* between 2 1/2 and 3 stars

Justified: season 1 episode 1 *Bluegrass Helter Skelter.* 3 stars

Chrisley Knows Best: The Great Outdoors *Chrisley reluctantly takes his sons camping at the lake, while wishing he were more like his hero Oprah and scaring his 8 year old with the legend of Jason Vorhees.* 2 stars

Comic Book Men: Ghostbusting at the Stash *Sitting around ye ole podcast table and sharing spooky stories about things like the Jersey Devil.* 1 star

"The White Buffalo" (1977) *Charging out of Hell and into Heaven were men like Wild Bill, Crazy Horse, and Charles Bronson.* 3 stars

Kung Fu, the series: Dark Angel *Words lost, eyes blinded, and riches not found, but, at the same time, roots replanted, senses regained, and faith restored.* 3 stars

Mystery Science Theater 3000: Invasion U.S.A. (feature) & A Date with the Family (short) *Rigid dinners with loved ones, or heavy drinking with a group of barflies, is a great opportunity to discuss how every American should do more in their part to combat the Red Menace.* 3 stars with riffing 1 star without

"My Mom's A Werewolf" (1988) *An underappreciated housewife goes to the pet store to get a flea collar for the family dog, and winds up having the mom jeans charmed off of her, and replaced with fur, by a hair-piece wearing lycanthrope (John Saxon).* 2 1/2 stars

Freddy's Nightmares: Black Tickets ------------------

*A young Brad Pitt runs over himself running into himself running away from his problems.* 2 stars

*Having a baby is hellish, even if Brad Pitt is the daddy.* between 1 1/2 and 2 stars

---------------------------------------------------

USA Up All Night -with host Rhonda Shear -Valentine's Special -----------------

*Lovers Lovers (feature movie): Neurotic & horny 30 something year old professionals in the city of Angels. It's like a softcore version of Seinfeld.* 2 stars

*Starburst California Raisins style commercial where the Starburst candies get taken to the bad side of town called Twisted Town.* 2 1/2 stars

*The Girls of Paradise (phone sex commercial): 3 stars

*Rhonda hangs out in the honeymoon suite with a amorous bell boy who has chest hairs a plenty.* 3 stars

*Twix commercial parodies the plane crash movie "Alive" in a funny scenario where one guy tricks the other into thinking they're being rescued so that he can have both Twix candy bars to himself.* 3 stars

*Rhonda tries to get a honeymooning and arguing couple's bride out of her hotel room bathroom.* 2 1/2 stars

*Free brochure for TV Parental Ratings guidelines* 3 stars

*"Mel" (taking his name from a PayDay caramel candy bar wrapper) calls up a phone sex hotline to talk to the horny chick about covering her in peanuts and creamy caramel in a funny PayDay commercial.* 3 stars

*"Every day people like me and you are proving why the 'Psychic Solution' is so popular." Obvious payed employees of this phone scam network give false testimonials about their amazing experiences talking to phone psychics.* either zero or 3 stars

*"Imagine being forced to make love. Now, imagine thousands will die if you dont. Will she? Won't she? Or will she just kick some ass?!" La Femme Nikita preview for an upcoming 1997 episode. Haha.* 3 stars

*Rhonda coaches sweet talk to a dumb husband who gets all her amorous advice lines all wrong.* 3 stars

------------------------------------------------------------------

Weird Science: Magnifico Dad *Mom gets her birthday wish for dad to turn into male supermodel hunk Fabio.* 3 stars

Son of the Beach: Silence of the Clams *"The beach is meant for solitude, not senseless orgying. Cancel Spring Break or else."* 3 stars

Thundarr, the Barbarian: Fortress of Fear *A many eyed wizard wants Ariel as his bride.* 3 stars

Swamp Thing: Silent Screams *"Eye of the hurricane, listen to yourself turn. World serves its own needs, Dummy, serve your own needs." Arcane is selling eco-terrorism to the highest bidder. First in line to be served, shadowy agents of the U.S. government, and they're willing to sacrifice a small, swamp town to test the effectiveness.* between 2 1/2 and 3 stars

Jonny Quest: The Invisible Monster *Turn off the life light, don't let it shine or else be taken in by the hungering Pac-Man esque ghost of an animated mass of energy. Look out, because it's a one-eyed, giant, purple, people-eater.* 3 stars

Are You Afraid of the Dark: The Tale of the Super Specs *Do "They Live" or is it just an April Fool's Day trick of the mind thanks to a phony trick gifts shop's surprisingly effective super specs glasses?* close to 3 stars

Friday the 13th, the series: Shadow Boxer *A bum fighter uses cursed gloves to separate his dark side from his body and sends the shadow out to stick it to his opponents.* 3 stars

Paranormal State: season 1 episode 18 *Penn State freshman lions turn themselves into fraidy cats with the passing around of campus legends and the playing of an ancient Japanese ghost story game called '100 Candles.'* 2 stars

Penny Dreadful: season 1 episode 1 *For a moment, I thought Frankenstein and his monster were going to passionately kiss on the mouth. It was weird.* close to 2 1/2 stars

Stephen King's Kingdom Hospital: season 1 episode 6 *"He eats disease. He likes to be scratched behind the ears. He's horrible, beautiful." 3 stars

The Outer Limits: If These Walls Could Talk *CGI Ryan Reynolds. He's not Green Lantern. He's possibly a 'Casper' or at the very least a molecular anomaly. His mom can't let go of the mystery around his disappearance and his frequenting of a so-called haunted house. She's a paranormal believer. She swears she hears him crying out in the haunted house. She befriends a pyschic phenomena debunker. They get drunk, share their hearbreak over the afterlife or lack thereof. They stir up spirits or at least a cold case crime scene. They learn about the mystery behind a previous owner who was a reclusive scientist and find his hidden room complete with strange meteor. It ends with them covered in ectoplasmic goo.* 2 1/2 stars

"Father Guido Sarducci Goes to College" (1985) *Vatican City versus Disneyland.* 2 1/2 stars

Tales from the Crypt: Mute Witness to Murder *Some enchanted evening, you may meet a stranger. And some enchanted evening, you may witness a brutal murder. That enchanted evening may damage the psyche.* 3 stars

Red Shoe Diaries: Double Dare *Necessity is the mother of virtue. A business professional lady needs the thrill of an erotic game of show and tell via fax machine dirty messages and flashes of bare flesh across facing office building windows with a sexy stranger, but she can't take it to the next step and cheat on her husband in person.* 2 1/2 stars

"Computer Beach Party" *Weirdly played, and ridiculously overdubbed, dorky sex comedy that maybe comes close to deserving cult status.* between 1 1/2 and 2 stars

Total Riff Off: Animals Behaving Badly *Horny deer. Smoking ape. Rascally raccoon. Pooping cheetah. Shoe humping tortoise. Horny dolphin. Indian woman breastfeeding a calf. Chicago city coyote. rat infanticide, and the classic panda attacking jacket guy.* 3 stars with riffing between 2 and 2 1/2 stars without

"RoadRacers" (1994) a Robert Rodriguez film *David Arquette as a scumbag greaser, James Dean wannabe with Salma Hayek as his main squeeze. Sounds unconvincing, but somehow they pull it off. Also, great tunes from the era of rockabilly, decent villains like the town asshole cop William Sadler, and Deadwood's Saul Starr as the sci fi and sinful thrills obsessed sidekick.* 2 1/2 stars

Richard Linklater's "Boyhood" (2014) *Maybe the best ever use of scripted reality in dramatic entertainment. Following two siblings for over a decade as we watch them grow and deal with their movie parents a psychology student-into-teacher mother (Patricia Arquette) and their sometimes deadbeat other times often extremely caring and liberal-slacker poet papa (Ethan Hawke), along with step siblings, abusive drunk stepfathers, plus all the growing pains and life steps that happen along the way to young adulthood.* 3 stars (for achievement in the portayal of life) or zero stars (for every character being so unlikeable)

--Starz-- --The Missing: episode 1 *A wrenching, quiet, and moody look at the frantic hours around parents dealing with the disappearance of a child and how the effects of that trauma are still haunting them, and others involved with the memory, years later.* 3 stars

American Gothic: Damned If You Don't *Dang ole' tornado of the soul.* 3 stars

"Din of Celestial Birds" (2006) *inherent iniquities* 2 1/2 stars

True Detective: Seeing Things *Pussy, fantasy, illusion, delusion, hallucination, justification, nightmare, and revelation.* 3 stars

X Files: Fallen Angel *Toxic cover up and lies with an official seal.* 2 1/2 stars

"Night Dreams" (1981) xxx *Bound by wild desire, Dorothy LeMay fell into a ring of fire.* 3 stars

--- MTV's True Life: I'm Preparing for the End of the World

*An obese, and (from how he's presented on this docu show) low i.q. suffering, young father moves his pregnant wife, two young boys, and yummy pet rabbits & chickens to an isolated farm in the mountains.

There he rambles about doomsday scenarios and his family assists in setting up booby traps that are more dangerous to themselves than anyone else.

My advice is to lay off the extra bunny, at dinner, and to not homeschool the kids about the proper way to filter goat piss into a drinkable water alternative, but instead to exercise as a family and to get out in society and work towards not ending up with an apocalypse.

Next, we have two priviledged college twins who are so quirky and idiotic that they jokingly form a two person cult where they bother college campus students and the city's homeless population with their pretend rhetoric.

Low point being when they claim to be getting prepared to raise their consciousness beyond the normal soulless zombie, just before tossing a twenty dollar bill into the air for a group of hungry homeless and junkies to wrestle over.*

1 star

-----------------------------------------------------------

Morton Downey Jr.: Feminism *Mort and feminist lawyer Gloria Allred go toe to toe and almost mouth to mouth with the sexual tension between them (just kidding).* close to 3 stars

Tales from the Crypt: Television Terror *A t.v. station scores big ratings, when Morton Downey Jr. is murdered, live on the air, while investigating a haunted house.* 3 stars

"Too Young To Die?" (1990) *A trailer trash teen runaway (Juliette Lewis) gets the death penalty for the murder of her soldier guy former lover, thanks to her hick pimp/pusher (Brad Pitt).* 2 1/2 stars

American Horror Story -Asylum- "The Coat Hanger" *Forgiving trespasses. Ian McShane almost seems too good for any show after his iconic role in Deadwood, but he finds one here as a blackly humorous and blasphemous sinner/killer in a setting that keeps getting more depraved and strange. Bucket of KFC chicken and skinning victims alive killer mixed piece joke. Priest drowning at a baptism. Priest crucifiction. The dirty history of pre legalized abortions. Cruel head nun gets on the other end of looney torture. A Nazi butcher / mad scientist seeking aliens because he appreciates their eugenic techniques and getting sent his own Mary with a possible alien seed in her belly.* 3 stars

Hannibal: Amuse-Bouche *"It takes one to know one." A human fungus wants understanding.* 3 stars

Bob and Margaret: Friends for Dinner *"Another domestic dilemma." Bob and Margaret continue to define themselves different from their rude peers, while still retaining a flawed quality that makes them so relatable to the average person.* close to 3 stars

15 Storeys High: The Model *"If she learns to swim, next thing she'll want to learn to drive." A nutter doesn't want his nude centerfold wife to take swimming lessons. Olives on pizza distaste, and a compulsion to pull any wallpaper off the wall -weirdness. Also, the swimming lessons oath includes everyone but practioners of karate and the pop star Sting.* 3 stars

Hippies: Hairy Hippies *The animals of Aquarius are gonna tear your prick off.* 3 stars

Farscape: Durka Returns *"The difference between a knife attack and life saving surgery." The outer space adjustment bureau can turn anyone they want into an attitude corrected slave.* 3 stars

Max Headroom: Deities *When it comes to matters of the spirit, people often forget what it means being human.* between 2 1/2 and 3 stars

Are You Afraid of the Dark?: The Tale of the Captured Souls *Sometime in the early 90s, the Obamas and their daughter nearly had the life sucked out of them by a mirror-spy-tech mad-science-geezer posing as an ole timey tween boy with a ridiculous hairstyle that was almost as bad as Obama's soul glow mullet of the time.* between 1 1/2 and 2 stars

American Horror Story --Coven-- "Fearful Pranks Ensue" *supreme sacrifice* close to 3 stars

Red Shoe Diaries: You Have The Right To Remain Silent *A lady cop kidnaps and forces herself on a strong willed guy who won't show her any attention at the gym. I would have laughed if it were a case of her not having any gay-dar.* close to 2 1/2 stars and 1 1/2 a stars for the safe sex sales pitch

Hill Street Blues: Choice Cut *supermarket standoff with a side of beef.* 2 1/2 stars

Fargo: The Rooster Prince *"Savagery, pure and simple."* 3 stars

American Horror Story: Freakshow "Orphans" *The most sympathetic character on the show, Pepper, has a continuation of maybe the most tragic character arc of any character in all of American Horror Story, with a cameo from a character from Asylum.* close to 3 stars

MTV's "Eye Candy" extended peak *Disney channel(?) teen pop idol and now hacker (rolls eyes) in a serial killer stalker show with MTV style "edgy" (crap) aesthetics. The psycho stuffing smartphones in the mouths of victims is unintentionally ludicrous and laughable.* 1 1/2 stars

"Living With Michael Jackson" *"We would wake at dawn and go up in the hot air balloon. I have the footage. It's all very charming and innocent. That's ignorant. Who's the Jack the Ripper in the Room?" Was it exploitive journalist Martin Bashir or delusional Peter Pan wannabe Jacko?* either 3 stars or zero stars

Prime Time Thursday -ABC- Martin Bashir on his Michael Jackson documentary (2003?) *ABC gets a few more nasty kicks in to the wounded weirdo.* 2 stars

The Michael Jackson Interview, The Footage You Were Never Meant To See *--FOX--* (2003)

*"Becareful what you do, because the lie becomes the truth."

Maury Povich pauses from hosting & revealing ghetto / white trash paternity tests to take an investigative behind the scenes footage look at the Martin Bashir documentary on MJ.

An almost propaganda piece trying to repair Jackson's image and justify his strange behavior, but it does shine a light on the deceitful approach of Bashir's manipulative tactics in getting close to Jackson via gaining his trust with comments approving of Michael's generosity and attitudes towards children and Michael's personal life in other ways, and then turning around and only showing the most sensational things in his "Living With Michael Jackson" documentary.*

2 1/2 stars

---------------------------------------------------------

The Greatest American Hero: pilot episode "UFO Encounter" *The teachers of troubled teens, those are the real heroes. This show has great music, and I don't just mean the cheesy wonderful theme song.* 3 stars

Mystery Science Theater 3000: I Accuse My Parents (feature) & The Truck Farmer (short) *Cultivate, refrigerate, exaggerate, denigrate.* 2 1/2 stars with riffing 2 stars without

Son of the Beach: In The G-Hetto *"Read my lips, I'm going down there and I'm going to lick your posse, and I'm going to enjoy it."* 2 1/2 stars

Black Sails: season 1 episode 1 *Blackbeard's snatch. Captain Flint's fluoride smile. Long John Silver's sexy good looks. I doubt these third world bandits were really this stylized.* 2 1/2 stars

Fred Olen Ray's "Hollywood Chainsaw Hookers" (1988) *Heaven for guys who like big tits and Hell for guys who don't like to be chopped into little bits.* 3 stars

Hollywood Hillbillies: Headin' For Hollywood *Another internet infamous sensation extends he and his grandmother's 15 minutes of fame by acting as crass and crazy as possible for the reality tv cameras.* 1 star

TLC presents My Husband's Not Gay *These Latter Day Saint women believe that they have it made, because, with another woman, their husband would never stray. I wonder if the LGBT community would stand up for the rights of the "same sex attracted" who don't act on it for religious reasons, or if... ha... of coure not.* either zero or 2 1/2 stars

"Monster" (2003) *A look at someone, on the fringes of life, whose feral impulses sadly couldn't be justified even though she endured a life of inhuman treatment.* 3 stars

Viper: Pilot Movie *Not just a tv show promoting a crime fighting futuristic Dodge motor company concept car, maybe also a question of whether giving career criminals a clean slate of memory is violating their civil rights or not.* between 2 and 2 1/2 stars

"Midnight Plowboy" xxx (1971) *Welcome To The Jungle as performed by Going To The Country's Canned Heat.* 2 stars

Woops!: pilot episode (1992) *99.999999% of the world's population has died in a fiery hot flash, but a few quirky yuppies survive to yuck it up on a small farm. Cue the laugh track.* 2 stars

X Files: Eve *bloodthirsty replicas* 3 stars

"Nomads" (1986) *Searching too deep beneath the surface of reality, a cultural archaeologist starts being stalked by a skid row spirit-tribe.* close to 3 stars

Manimal: Manimal *Transmutation is not for the faint or feint of heart.* 2 1/2 stars

---- "Tusk" a Kevin Smith film (2014)

*20th century man spent his time doing amazing things, and had tales to tell later.

21st century man spends most of his time talking about ridiculous things.

This time 21st century man accomplishes one of those ridiculous things.

How to go about summing up something like this...

3 stars for the crazy screenplay.

3 stars for the incredible walrus special fx by Robert Kurtzman.

3 stars for Michael Parks' truly demented serial killer / world's most interesting man character.

2 stars for Haley Joel Osment's nerdy twenty something podcast comedy partner.

almost 2 1/2 stars for Justin Long's obnoxious and self absorbed hipster mustached podcast comedian.

3 stars for Justin Long's suffering through hell tortured and experimented on in the most gruesome way possible walrus-man.

1 1/2 stars for all the podcast nonsense.

either zero stars or 3 stars for Johnny Depp's Mike Myers esque eccentric inspector character.

and to finish out the whole whacked out affair, either 1 star or 3 stars for the absurd ending.*

===================================================================

Wizards and Warriors: The Unicorn of Death *Mind over matter. Also, lightning hawks, hawks that shoot lightning.* 3 stars

"Don't Be A Menace To South Central While Drinking Your Juice In The Hood" *"One fish two fish red fish blue fish, knick knack paddywhack give a dog a bone, Two thousand zero zero party over oops out of time, my bacon's smelling fine." The Wayans, just off of In Living Color and a handful of blackspoitation movies, take on Boyz in the Hood & Friday with their brand of satire that hadn't quite soured just yet like it would with the Scary Movie series. Somewhat not bad, nowhere as good as say an episode of Chapelle Show, but almost on the level of something like Comedy Central's Key & Peele.* 2 stars plus 3 stars for Bernie Mac's cameo speech

Freddy's Nightmares: School Daze ----------

*No more homework, no more books, no more teachers' dirty looks. Just robotic students.* close to 2 1/2 stars

*Standard Achievement Torture.* 2 1/2 stars

-------------------------------------

"Ben and Arthur" (2002) *I'm sure that everyone involved with this shot-on-video "movie" had their big, gay hearts in the right place, but the results are so oddly misguided that it cursed the gay rights movement and set queer equality back at least a decade.* 1 star

Tales From The Crypt: My Brother's Keeper *Two guys attached at the ass-cheek, now that's freaks. And it's definitely a wild half of the siamese situation if Timothy Stack is the straight laced one.* between 2 1/2 and 3 stars

Cannon Video: Fifty Fifty (1993) *A couple of "in it for the money" mercenaries find a change of heart and purpose, when they're sold out by the U.S. government after initially being hired to train a ragtag group of villagers to overthrow a cruel dictator.* close to 3 stars

Jonny Quest: Double Danger *monkeying around with hallucinagens* 3 stars

Mystery Science Theater 3000: Operation Double 007 *"Terrorists were a lot more fun back then." Thankfully, Sean Connery's brother, Neil, also didn't try to rip off Highlander 2 or Zardoz.* 3 stars with riffing 2 1/2 stars without

The Prisoner: The General *Blind memorization is a learn-ed way for a slave to show its appreciation to its masters.* 3 stars

Paranormal State: season 1 episode 19 *"Balancing faith and science" as the lead investigator questions whether or not he should debunk a crazy lady's haunting experiences.* between 2 and 2 1/2 stars

Swamp Thing: Walk A Mile In My Shoots *Arcane and Swamp Thing trade places.* between 2 1/2 and 3 stars

American Horror Story: Coven "Burn, Witch, Burn" *Ask me no questions and I'll tell thee no lie. Mama's little baby love shortenin'. Fry fry fry. Febreeze will get the odors out of any room where dead things lie.* 3 stars

American Gothic: Dead to the World *Denial ain't just a river in Bum-Fuck, Egypt.* close to 3 stars

Justified: season 1 episode 2 *Rhythm, romancin', runnin', and rippin' up the floorboards.* 3 stars

"The Census Taker" (1984) *"An outrageous invasion of privacy."* 3 stars

Hannibal: Potage *Manipulation in Maryland, Minnesota, and the media.* 3 stars

X Files: Fire *amorous arsonist* 2 1/2 stars

12 Monkeys: Pilot episode *Hourglasses of the hydra.* 2 1/2 stars

"The Thirteenth Floor" (1999) *"Hate to see that evening sun go down." Digital virtual deja-vu.* 3 stars

The Outer Limits: Birthright *Senator Al Gore is all about shooting up with supplements and saving the environment by saturating it with methane for his alien race to take over and inhabit.* between 2 1/2 and 3 stars

Northern Exposure: Brains, Know How and Native Intelligence *singing the body electric and fixing the plumbing.* 3 stars

Son of the Beach: Love, Native American Style *firebush and big hose* 2 1/2 stars

Thundarr, the Barbarian: Island of the Body Snatchers *Ariel almost loses her mind and her body in the mystery zone.* 3 stars

Are You Afraid of the Dark?: The Tale of the Twisted Claw *Wish in one hand, let a vulture shit in the other.* between 2 and 2 1/2 stars

Mystery Science Theater 3000: Eegah! *RRRR! Richard Kiel is really big and really lonely and he wants to rape a gal named Roxy. It's like King Kong set in a resort desert town where a Ricky Nelson reject is constantly rocking out.* 3 stars with riffing 2 without

Weird Science: The Feminine Mistake *The guys get turned into chicks and experience what the other sex has to go through with horny guys like themselves.* 3 stars

Jack London's "Call of the Wild" starring Charlton Heston & featuring "Buck" the dog *Buck worth more than all the gold in the Klondike.* 3 stars

"Ax Giant" *"All strut and no gut." Paul Bunyan puts a cgi sawblade through Grizzly Adams' bear-sized head for eating his blue ox named Babe.* 2 stars

MLK Day Tribute ---------------

Morton Downey Jr.: Racism with Dr. Charles King (2 appearances on the show) *One of the last ballsy, crazy, and passionately confused conversations about race conducted by the media before political correctness closed the door.* either zero or 3 stars

---------------------------------------------

Abel Ferarra's "King of New York" (1990) *Max Shreck, magnanimous and soulful.* between 2 1/2 and 3 stars

X Files: Beyond the Sea *Serial killer -Brad Dourif- claims to channel the beyond and a grieving Scully's recently deceased dad. but is he just a coward staying execution?* 3 stars

Lucio Fulci's "The New York Ripper" *quacking misogyny* 3 stars

Red Shoe Diaries: Talk To Me Baby *"You gonna believe your eyes or are you gonna believe me?" Shared feelings and Samson-haired Bud "tries" to be less of a horndog for other women, but he's only a man afterall and after a night at the bar watching a wet t-shirt contest. If his hot foreign accent nympho girlfriend don't forgive him and talk, he's gonna flip his muscle car and go out Romeo style with her in the passenger seat.* 3 stars

William Friedkin's "Cruising" (1980) *assault, alarm, assuage, acclimate, assplay, and arrest* 3 stars

Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Girl In Lovers Lane *Drifters and the females who foolishly fawn over them. A Route 66 romantic tragedy.* 3 stars with riffing 2 1/2 without

American Horror Story: Murder House "Spooky Little Girl" *The apparition of the Black Dahlia is misdiagnosed with acute anxiety.* 3 stars

Nic Cage is "Left Behind" (2014) *Bono raptured. U2 concert postponed.* either 1 star or 2 1/2 stars

Freddy's Nightmares: Cabin Fever -----------

*Fly the Freddy skies.* between 1 1/2 and 2 stars

*Freddy finds his Laura Palmer.* between 2 1/2 and 3 stars

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True Detective: The Locked Room *Scarred snowflakes* 3 stars

"Night Warning" (1983) *"Fuckin' deviants, the world is full of 'em." Hoop dreams, ''homophobia'', and a hilariously insane Susan Tyrrell.* 3 stars

Svengoolie: House of Horrors *Creepin' on art critics.* close to 3 stars

Tales from the Crypt: The Secret *Blue hued and sweet toothed tale of a wolf boy adopted by vampires.* 3 stars

Charles Bronson in "Cold Sweat" *A History of Violence in a French fishing village with American muscle car action.* close to 3 stars

Viper: Once A Thief *Viper-Man takes a suped-up stroll down memory lane with his delinquent former protege, Robin.* 2 1/2 stars

Son of the Beach: Two Thongs Don't Make A Right *The Devil's butt floss and daddy's B.J.* close to 2 1/2 stars

Betsy Russell is a "Tomboy" *Battle of the sexes in a light-hearted, cheesy reality that's not afraid to get raunchy.* 3 stars

American Horror Story: Freakshow "Magical Thinking" *Weak men and strong women.* close to 3 stars

Paranormal Witness: The Visitors *It's either one of two scenarios for this episode: A) A door to door salesman is duped into believing he's cursed with demons and uses his scientific background, and connections, to explain it. or B) A bored, middle-aged former scientist, and his tech buddies, try to establish a hoax with alledged proof of the paranormal.* 2 stars

The Greatest American Hero: The Hit Car *Heavier than air, heavy like Shakespeare.* 3 stars

"Killdozer" (1974) *Grizzled workmen in an isolated setting sci-fi horror that's similar to and yet almost a decade ahead of John Carpenter's "The Thing."* between 2 1/2 and 3 stars

Black Sails: Season 1 Episode 2 *Cooking up a kingdom, of reprieve, through barter and betrayal.* between 2 1/2 and 3 stars

Dolph Lundgren in "Dark Angel" aka "I Come In Peace" (1990) *Phantasm's The Tall Man the cyberpunk / heavymetal years, now available on projectile compact-disc, just in time for a White-boy's Christmas.* 2 1/2 stars

Tim & Eric -Bedtime Stories: The Endorsement *Subversive swipe at Sunset BLVD* 3 stars

Puppy-Bowl: Unnecessary Roughness *Puppies wrestling at the "50 yard line" and hamsters overhead in a tiny blimp. This is okay with PETA, yet I can no longer go to my cockfights on Friday nights.* either 1 star or 2 1/2 stars

Kung Fu: Blood Brother *Dignity should not remain surrendered or buried in the mire.* 3 stars

Shaw Brothers: Roar of the Lion *(Traditional Chinese costumes) Lion versus dragon in a kung-fu dance off ceremony that's also comedy gold in a stunt filled comedy filled flick.* 3 stars

Manimal: Illusion *Manimal predicted the Siegfried & Roy tragedy, and Richard Lynch plays a diplomatic immunity villain before Lethal Weapon does the same.* between 2 1/2 and 3 stars

King of the Hill: It Ain't Over Till The Fat Neighbor Sings *"What a glorious feeling, I'm happy again." In Hank's reality, he loses it when he can't micro-manage any poor decision making that's always hilariously exaggerated.* 3 stars

It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: The Gang Group Dates *Dennis comes unhinged when women rate him, online, as a zero. Frank can't keep Mac & Charlie from offending their blind dates, and he can't keep his cockring from slipping off. Dee's plan to stick it to men by giving them one night stands winds up backfiring.* 3 stars

Stephen King's Kingdom Hospital: Season 1 Episode 7 *Black noises, thirsting voices striking, impeaching.* between 2 1/2 and 3 stars

15 Storeys High: Blue Rat *All of the energy, none of the fuss, plus a pony.* 3 stars

Paranormal State: Season 1 Finale *A is for anxiety and or African American spirit girl humming to a sensitive, young medium girl.* between 2 and 2 1/2 stars

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