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bananacorn-limeade · 6 months

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1961's The WORLD of ICE and FIRE

I'm going to do it. I'm going to self-indulge!

The Roger Corman ASOIAF production post is mostly just a novelty, but since I'm me, I have a lot of FEELINGS and OPINIONS about this cast. Naturally.

Anyway. Here's how well I think the actors in my post would play their roles, from worst to best.

#19, Worst: John Ashley as Robb Stark

You know how Ben Affleck has a face that knows about emails? John Ashley has a face that knows about sock hops. Woefully miscast.

#18: Tor Johnson as Gregor Clegane

God love the big guy, but I've only ever seen him make this face. Also, despite his repertoire of roles suggesting otherwise on paper, he just doesn't seem like a mean guy.

#17: John Agar as Jaime Lannister

Another terrible choice. The only reason he's not ranked as worst is because his soulless performance would make viewers interpret Jaime as an absolutely irredeemable sociopath, which at least would be... uh, interesting, I guess.

#16 Robert Reed as Renly Baratheon

Renly, but only if he was the most boring Baratheon. Go ahead, try to picture Reed eating a peach. You can't.

#15 Dawn Bender as Arya Stark

Aw, she'd try. But I feel like her attempts at Arya's fire would mostly come off as petulance.

#14 Richard Carlson as Ned Stark

Sorry, what? I fell asleep for a minute there.

#13 June Kenney as Daenerys Targaryen

Kenney would try her level best, but you know Corman would do a terrible job incorporating her storyline with the main plot, so she wouldn't have much to do except lounge around on mildly offensive orientalist sets and talk to her force-perspective dragon puppets. (Stop-motion you say? What, you think American International is made of money?)

#12 Dolores Faith as Sansa Stark

Again, no knock to Faith, but as with Daenerys, I think a 1961 production would flatten Sansa's character away to nothing. She'd get to pine and wear some nice dresses.

#11 Anthony Dexter as Petyr Baelish

This guy can play oily like nobody's business (check him out in 1962's Married Too Young), but 5D-chess-level deviousness might be beyond him.

#10 Michael Dunn as Tyrion Lannister

Full disclosure: I'm plopping him in the middle because I've never seen him in anything! The only little person I've personally seen in Corman's movies is Billy Barty (playing an actual, literal imp), and Dunn was someone I found who was said to play much meatier roles. In general, I think the depth of Tyrion's character would seriously challenge 1960s casting directors who were used to casting little people in jokey roles or as something less than human. One of many problems they'd have with the source material, no doubt.

#9 Lon Cheney Jr. as Sandor Clegane

Here's another actor who would do the best with what he was given - which would be an essentially empty role. This Sandor would be a beast used only for jump scares, with too much rubber over his face to ever show an emotion.

#8 Glen Langan as Stannis Baratheon

Langan would be serious, but dull, with lots of droning sermonizing. In other words, perfect. Still boring though.

#7 Basil Rathbone as Tywin Lannister

Who better to play a role totally owned by Charles Dance than an actor who's even Charles Dancier? The only reason I'm not ranking this legend higher is because I do think he'd kind of sleepwalk through this role, especially at this stage in his career.

#6 Raymond Burr as Robert Baratheon

The future Mr. Perry Mason was damn good at playing hard-drinking, prowly, "beastly" men. See him in this fabulous trailer for 1951's Bride of the Gorilla (spoiler: Burr is the gorilla). Of course, for this production, he'd be about 10 years on from that virile role, but that's perfectly on brand for Bobby B.

#5 Michael Landon as Jon Snow

Landon's tortured James Dean era would be a great fit for angsty goth teen Jon, though he might have trouble keeping his feelings as hidden as Jon does.

#4 Allison Hayes as Melisandre

Should she be ranked this high? Eh, maybe not, but this woman is a goddamn B-movie bombshell goddess. Her Red Woman would be a little less mysterious, sure, but her perfectly arched eyebrows and bullet bra would do R'hllor proud all the same.

#3 Marie Windsor as Catelyn Stark

They didn't call her Queen of the B's for nothing. Windsor always did great with roles that call for strength and verve. She'd be a fantastic Cat, and - dare I dream it - an even better Lady Stoneheart.

#2 Jack Nicholson as Theon Greyjoy

Now this would be fun. If baby Jack Nicholson had half the presence and charisma he would show in later movies, his Theon would be legendary.

#1 Coleen Gray as Cersei Lannister

If I can get Tumblr to understand one thing, it's how much Coleen Gray would absolutely eat in the role of Cersei. She's beautiful. She's a schemer. She's a helpless victim. She's back for revenge. I challenge anyone to watch her insane, murderous, fierce, gorgeous, duplicitous performance in 1960's otherwise pretty terrible The Leech Woman and not come to the same conclusion. I'm serious. There would be no survivors. 👑

#asoiaf fan cast #old movies #mst3k #mystery science theater 3000 #rifftrax #asoiaf shitpost #asoiaf meme #b movies #roger corman #cersei lannister #jaime lannister #tyrion lannister #tywin lannister #sansa stark #robert baratheon #stannis baratheon #renly baratheon #asoiaf

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twistedtummies2 · 29 days

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Top 7 Leprechauns Onscreen

St. Patrick’s Day is one of the odder holidays on the calendar. Ostensibly, it is a celebration of Ireland itself; a tribute to its culture, history, and folklore alike. However, at least outside of Ireland - such as in the United States, where the filthy American swine writing this happens to come from - it seems to be treated more as just a day of partying. It’s an excuse to booze up, eat merrily, and wear lots and lots of green. That’s not bad in and of itself, but it emblematic of how commercialized things can get, I suppose; I have no idea how the date is celebrated in other places around the world, including Ireland, mind you.

Again, filthy American swine, that’s me. 😛

Nothing speaks to all this better than the treatment of arguably Ireland’s most famous figure of folklore and legend: the leprechaun. Leprechauns have become mascots for Ireland and St. Patrick’s Day as a whole; a lot of people probably don’t even recognize or know the actual legends behind these little fairy shoemakers and their crocks of gold. However, they have become just as popular and recognizable as other holiday icons, such as Santa Claus or the Easter Bunny. They are the fanciful embodiment of Ireland, in popular culture, and for better or worse, they are as popular as they are whimsical. Ever since I was a child, I was fascinated by stories about leprechauns; something about these little spritely creatures in their green coats, cobbling shoes and playing tricks, guarding heaps of treasure, just stuck in my imagination in a lot of ways. Part of this may be that I am actually a large part Irish myself, and I’ve looked into the legends and songs about these fair folk with great interest. Of course, with this fascination comes exposure to another medium: the screen. Leprechauns have appeared numerous times in films and on television, and it’s easy to say that these treatments have done just as much for their reputation and popularity as anything else. I thought it would be fun, this St. Patrick’s Day, to cover some of my favorite interpretations of these strange creatures from movies and TV. I’ve decided to make this a brief Top 7, partially because it’s hard to sort things out after that number…but also because, hey, if we’re celebrating and chatting about “the luck of the Irish,” might as well use the “lucky number seven” as our guideline, eh? So, without further ado…here are My Top 7 Screen Portrayals of Leprechauns!

7. The Leprechauns’ Christmas Gold.

We’re starting off this countdown with a weird one, folks. If you haven’t heard of this somewhat obscure holiday feature, I wouldn’t blame you. This half-hour special was the creation of Rankin/Bass; a company most well-known for their various Christmas cartoons, such as Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer, Frosty the Snowman, and The Year Without a Santa Claus. “The Leprechauns’ Christmas Gold” was one of their final holiday creations, released in 1981…and you can tell they were REALLY struggling to come up with new ideas for such things. The special is a bizarre hybrid of Christmas cartoon and St. Patrick’s Day celebration. Starring Art Carney as Blarney Kilakilarney (yes, really), the story focuses on the troubles a family of leprechauns face when a wicked banshee, known as Old Mag the Hag, tries to steal all their gold. Mag, you see, needs to have gold in her hands by Christmas morning, or else she will be destroyed, transformed into nothing but a puddle of tears. Mag is imprisoned in a magic pine tree for her evil ways, but a hundred years later, a young cabin boy named Dinty Doyle (played by Broadway-bred actor Ken Jennings) digs up the tree. Mag escapes, summoning a storm and leaving Dinty shipwrecked on the island where all the leprechauns live, and now he and the Little People must try to cooperate to defeat Mag and return home. The special isn’t that great, to be honest; it’s got lots of problems, and it’s obviously quite peculiar. However, I have a soft spot for it: I watch it almost every year. Something about it is fun and comforting, even if it isn’t necessarily the best of Rankin/Bass’ work, and it’s always stuck with me. It’s just my kind of weird and silly; if you think it sounds interesting, consider looking it up and giving it a watch yourself.

6. Finian’s Rainbow.

This colorful 1968 feature - based on the play of the same name - is an early success of legendary filmmaker Francis Ford Coppola. It’s weird to think that only a few years after this movie was released he would go on to debut “The Godfather,” really. The film stars Fred Astaire as con-artist Finian McLonergan: an Irish immigrant to America, who plans to try and make his way in the world via a crock of gold he stole from a leprechaun. The leprechaun, Og - played by Tommy Steele - is slowly turning human, for the longer a leprechaun goes without their gold, the less of a leprechaun they really are. Finian buries the treasure near Fort Knox, of all places, where a series of magical misadventures take place, involving a racist Senator, quarreling farmers, and several musical numbers. The movie is mostly fun, somewhat farcical, and highly satirical…but there is one stumbling block I have to point out: the aforementioned racist Senator gets punished for his wicked ways at one point by being turned into an African American himself. No, the Senator is not played by an African American actor, so…yeah…you can probably guess the awkwardness that arises as a result of that. It’s an unfortunate element in an otherwise great picture, and the main reason I don’t feel I can rank this in the top five. If you think you’d have difficulty watching this movie due to that issue, I wouldn’t blame you…but if there’s one thing this film teaches, it’s the importance of an open mind and an understanding of how times change. That, and that leprechauns are just as nimble on the dance floor when they’re human height as they are when tiny.

5. Wearing of the Grin.

This classic Looney Tunes cartoon is another favorite of mine around St. Patrick’s Day, and - being only about seven-and-a-half minutes in length - it’s an easy viewing for anybody. This short stars Porky Pig, who ends up lost in the middle of Ireland during a thunderstorm. The porcine traveler decides to take shelter inside an old castle, ignoring warning signs to “Beware of the Leprechauns!” This decision quickly comes back to bite Porky in his curly tail, when he ends up being victimized by a pair of leprechauns - O’Pat and O’Mike - who, believing he’s after their pot of gold, force Porky to wear The Green Shoes. This doesn’t seem so bad at first, but it turns out the shoes are alive, and as long as Porky wears them, he’ll be forced to dance an Irish jig non-stop. Porky manages to escape the fiendish footwear, but the shoes themselves give chase, determined to continue the punishment. It’s a typically silly, slapstick bit of goofiness, but there’s also a sense of atmosphere and danger to it you wouldn’t expect, and the visuals get more and more absurd the longer the short goes on, making it quite a feast for the eyes. It’s a hilarious and creative piece of Chuck-Jones-born buffoonery; exactly what a Looney Tunes fan would want for St. Patty’s.

4. Luck of the Irish (2001).

I actually am aware of two films with this title. The first was a 1948 feature, which - by all accounts - has nothing to do with the one we’re talking about here. I sadly have not seen that movie yet (although I would very much like to), so if you’re familiar with it, let me know what you think. For now, let’s focus on our actual topic: this 2001 TV film was made for the Disney Channel. As most people may tell you, Disney Channel movies tend to be hit or miss; some of them are actually quite a good time, considering the low budgets many of them have to work with, while others are…frankly rather painful to sit through. This one, I feel, is in the former category, and it’s actually developed a bit of a cult following for good reason. The story focuses on a young lad named Kyle Johnson, who seems to always have good fortune thanks to a lucky gold coin he wears around his neck. When the coin is stolen, however, not only does Kyle find bad luck following him wherever he goes, but he starts to undergo some strange physical transformations: he starts to grow shorter, his hair turns red, his ears become pointed, etc. It’s ultimately revealed that Kyle is actually half-leprechaun, and the one who stole the coin is a wicked fairy-man by the name of Seamus McTiernen (played by, of all people, Timothy Omundsen). Seamus is trying to steal all the leprechauns’ gold from around the world to become King of the Leprechauns; it’s now up to Kyle to stop him…via a basketball game. OF COURSE! A CLASSIC MANEUVER! PATTON HIMSELF NE’ER HAD BETTER STRATEGY! (pauses) Yeah, like I said, this film is wacky. But it’s a good kind of wacky; if it sounds up your alley, give it a look-see.

3. The Magical Legend of the Leprechauns.

While not received well at the time of its release, this 1999 TV miniseries has since gained a cult following and much more acclaim. Personally, I love it. The story is essentially an adaptation of Shakespeare’s “Romeo & Juliet,” but with an Irish flair. The tale begins when an American entrepreneur, Jack Woods, goes to Ireland for a vacation in the countryside. He soon finds out that his holiday home is frequently visited by the Little People. It turns out the leprechauns are engaged in a feud with the fairies (or the pixies, rather, since leprechauns typically are a sort of fairy). This becomes a problem when the fairy princess, Jessica, falls in love with a young leprechaun named Mickey. Chaos ensues as a result of the tryst between these star-crossed lovers, causing the feud to escalate into an all-out war. At the same time, Jack has to deal with some troublesome affairs of the heart all his own, as he becomes infatuated with a lady named Kathleen. Eventually, the two love stories collide, only heightening the stakes. The miniseries combines many elements of Irish folklore and myth together in its runtime, and treats these elements faithfully while at the same time making various changes to the concepts for its own purposes. It also features a great cast, including some rather surprising performers, such as Whoopi Goldberg. While not as well-known as some of the other items on this list, it’s well-worth checking out.

2. Lucky Charms.

Well, you can’t talk about leprechauns without bringing up this classic cereal and its mascot, can you? I remember loving Lucky Charms as a kid…which is funny because, the last time I tasted it as an adult, the flavor…ah…left much to be desired, to put it in the least offensive terms. Looking back, I think the primary reason I loved this cereal so much came from the TV commercials, starring Lucky the Leprechaun. The advertisements for this children’s breakfast staple have a long and interesting history behind them on their own terms, but the basic formula has always remained the same: Lucky is an eccentric little leprechaun, whose greatest treasure is not a crock of gold, but instead a bowl full of Lucky Charms. In the universe of the commercials, the marshmallows in the cereal actually give him different magical abilities he can use to his advantage, as he tricks and escapes his ever-persistent pursuers, who yearn to steal his delicious(?) frosted oats. Unlike many leprechauns in fables and folklore, Lucky - while occasionally and suitably mischievous - isn’t a malicious character in any way; if anything, he’s just trying to escape from those darn kids that never leave him alone! He’s friendly, playful, and sometimes can even be a hero…as far as the thirty-second-to-a-minute-long commercials he’s in will allow, anyway. It’s no surprise this cereal was and remains so popular; the idea of the great chase is an indelible concept, the magic and whimsy of the visuals and storytelling always allow for creative fun, and the charm of a leprechaun character was certainly a lucky break for advertisers. (pauses) Yeah, that was a bit forced, I’m sorry. Bottom line, it’s telling that, even to this day, if you say “leprechaun,” more people will say something about Lucky Charms than arguably anything else.

1. Darby O’Gill and the Little People.

I have a theory that every person, particularly Disney fans, has that one live-action Disney movie that they love which most other people seem to forget about. For me, that movie is “Darby O’Gill and the Little People.” The film focuses on the many misadventures of an old Irish storyteller, the titular Darby O’Gill. The grand old timer is a sort of “frienemy” to the King of the Leprechauns himself, Brian Connors. When Darby is in danger of losing his job, King Brian decides to help…by kidnapping Darby and forcing him to stay forever in his underground palace. (It’s the thought that counts, I guess.) Darby soon turns the tables on the King, though, and instead ends up kidnapping HIM, and refuses to let him go back to his kingdom until Brian grants him three wishes. (Keep your Aladdin jokes to yourself, please.) Top it off with Darby’s daughter falling in love with a young farmhand (played by Sean Connery, of all people), hijinks with the town bully, and the creepy appearances of a mysterious Banshee, and it’s wily shenanigans all around. The film is totally over-the-top, and absolutely plays up to Irish stereotypes more than anything else, but that’s honestly part of the fun: it’s got a campy sense of humor about itself, but it also has a lot of real magic, heart, and even a sense of prevailing danger. It feels like an old Irish fairy legend brought to life, which is fitting since the Disney team actually took inspiration from a bunch of old Irish fairy legends in crafting the script. There’s even an episode of the old Disneyland TV show, which acts as a sort of “mockumentary,” showing Walt meeting Darby and the Little People and learning all the folklore about Brian and his fellow imps. (That’s pretty cool, too, by the way; check it out if you can find it.) The film is probably most well-known for its special effects, most of which are still REALLY impressive, even to this day; heck, even if you know how they were done, you still find it hard to see through them or believe they could work the way they do in the final product. If you haven’t seen this film, I do highly recommend it…BUT, a word of caution: do NOT watch the version on Disney+. For some baffling reason, the Disney+ version redubs some of the actors and has a few minor edits, which really don’t do the movie any favors. If you want to watch this film, buy the DVD, or see if you can find a better copy elsewhere online. You won’t regret it; I certainly never have. I watch this film (and the Disneyland episode accompanying it) every St. Patrick’s Day, and that’s a tradition I never plan to cease. When I think of leprechauns, Irish myths, and all the trappings that come with those things, this film is the first thing that comes to mind. For these reasons above all else, King Brian and his friends in this movie take top marks on this list.

HONORABLE MENTIONS INCLUDE…

The Wee Men/Leprechaun’s Gold. (Two cartoons by Noveltoon that are based on classic leprechaun myths.)

Rupert and the Leprechauns. (An episode of the UK animated series “Rupert;” quite cute.)

Jack the Giant Killer. (This movie features a leprechaun called “Imp” as a major character. You can thank Rifftrax for my knowledge of this one. XD )

Leprechaun (1993). (I actually am not a big fan of this movie, or the series it spawned, but it felt physically wrong not to acknowledge Warwick Davis here.)

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