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bibbykins · 5 years

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Drown Me So I Can Breathe (M)

A/N: Tumblr rlly failed me when I was trying to post this three hours ago buuuuut whatever. I hope y’all enjoy just as much as I would/always enjoy hearing from you all! Hope you all are having a great day/night!

Pairing: (Soft) Yandere! Jungkook x reader

Word Count: 8.6k

Warnings: anxiety, anxiety attack, toxic relationship tendencies, unhealthy relationship, vaginal sex, non-penetrative sex

Summary: You stumble in crashing waves, but you don’t lift your arms for help. You gave that up long ago. There is no breath of fresh air that you can attain. But what if there were a savior with the prettiest lock and key you’ve seen? Would you even be able to see it among the murky waters that drown you?

Don’t worry, you don’t have to see it. You just have to take his hand. You’ll fall into his arms soon enough. Well, not literally fall, of course.

Right?

The crowd was loud in the amphitheater where drunk college festivities took place. You didn't even want to be here in the first place, but alas, you were the ball being shoved back and forth between crowds. It was all the joys of getting seasick without the aid of the actual sea, being too meek to stand your ground in the hustle and bustle, you were pushed, shoved, and it wasn't until you had been shoved roughly on the concrete floor, you made it your mission to get through the crowd alive. You felt the sting on your legs as you remained tossed around like a rag doll until a pair of strong hands set you on your own two feet, unmoving, unwobbling, and under his control.

Jungkook would be a liar if he said he hadn't been watching you the entire time. He didn’t mean to be so transfixed by you. He only went to these things to satisfy his sexual needs. Beyond an orgasm, he wasn't planning on feeling anything tonight.

Plans change.

Tonight was some college prom frat and sorority members who peaked in high school thought would be fun. It had drinks, pounding music, and sweaty people despite a cold environment. It was basically a club with a king and queen. Jungkook, despite his broody and less than forthcoming nature, was a shoo-in for the king. He was young, hot, and despite how selfish he was, still a good lay. He had everything he could want. He had a blossoming job as a sound engineer for the upperclassmen Min Yoongi’s company. Jungkook also gained popularity in his potential singing career with songs he randomly dropped here and there, his place in the seven campus princes furthering his fan count.

He was the youngest of the princes, but he was also the coldest. Jungkook was stone-faced around everyone but his fellow adonis friends. Some admirers chalked it up to him being cute and shy, others made him out to be a grungy broken broody man. You on the other hand, just figured he was a guy with a personality who happened to be cute.

You seldom paid him mind. Yes, he was cute, yes, you would say yes in a heartbeat, but you had a little too much pride to pine after him as many people did.

He was intrigued by you though. You always ended up in one of his classes somehow. At first, he figured you were some fan who somehow figured out his schedule, but this idea was quickly dampened.

You were a good student. A fashion major, he discovered. You had high attention to detail, sometimes to a damaging degree. You sat in the front or back row, sometimes too shy to face the front, but you always had your eyes glued to the professor or book. Even when you and Jungkook had been in a group together, you arranged everything through text message, never going off-topic.

You were a good student. How boring it was for you. You smiled, did work, avoided socializing, and went home. This was your routine. You didn't favor making genuine friendships, it was too complicated. You wanted to date, love, and finally fuck, but the odds of finding a mate who would tolerate being the only person in your life, was slim to none. Of course, you had guys you thought were cute, Jungkook caught your eye the most for obvious reasons, plus he was pretty much a loner already, but he didn't seem like the type to dish out the all-consuming love you craved.

You had been right, Jungkook wasn't until he met you. After the first encounter, to say he had become a tad obsessed would be no lie. At first, it had been his pride, wondering what person wouldn't try to fuck him, but then he realized you were no plain person. You were his ideal girl. You were sweet, and it was genuine, but he could tell you craved something more than smiles and pleasantries. You wanted something more, he just knew it, and he wanted to give it to you. He wanted to give you everything as the time of him keeping tabs on you went on.

With this want, also came the want to keep you all to himself. Once or twice, he's been forced to threaten a few guys dumb enough to say anything about you or asking you out. His friends poked fun as Jungkook once had to Taehyung when he was pining after his current girlfriend, and now he understood his feelings.

Taehyung had told Jungkook he would know when the time to make his feelings known was right to which Jimin confirmed while holding his girlfriend at his side. Jungkook recalled this as he watched you play the role of the ball in a game of crowd ping pong. You were trying to politely squeeze toward what looked like the bathroom as you had your arms close to your chest. Watching how helpless you were, he decided now was the time to begin the love story of his lifetime.

Jungkook rushed into the crowd, people being smart enough to step aside at the sight of his camouflage jacket, and he grabbed you from behind by your shoulders and set your teetering feet back on the ground. You jumped, still wobbly, but thankful to be still for once.

However thankful, you felt sick, super sick. The pressure being in the crowd as well as being shoved for almost 30 minutes straight was rushing back to you, and you stumbled forward, only to be pulled back by the strong set of hands. There was too much going on, too many people, and you felt sick. You were riddled with the feeling of instability and ridicule. You had no sense of ground until the man stabled your stance.

“Can you walk?” The mysterious savior whispered in your ear, and you shivered at the proximity.

You nodded, words getting lost in your choke for air, wondering why people were stealing glances in your direction. You began to walk towards the exit, until your legs gave in, causing you to nearly crumble to the ground, the mystery man being quick to catch you.

The voice scoffed, “Just say no.” He spoke when he went next to you to scoop you up in his arms like a princess.

You wanted to squirm and yelp, but something felt so right about being in his arms. You wanted to be the only one in his arms, staking your claim on this spot you craved to keep. It was this flurry of sensations that made you realize you hadn't looked up to see who this mystery man was, and when you got the courage to, someone bumped into your legs and you nearly fell out of his arms. Out of Jeon Jungkook’s arms.

“Watch it, dick!” He snapped at the culprit, but only gripped you closer, “Fuck, hold onto me, okay?” He whispered in your ear as you nodded, interlocking your hands behind his neck as the lingering stares of the crowd turned into blatant gaping. He walked you towards the exit as you tucked your head into his chest and closed your eyes, trying to be unseen.

Jungkook smiled at your movement. This is what he wanted. He wanted you, enveloped by him, safe, his. The crowning of king and queen had begun while he held you firmly in his arms.

“And the king is… Jeon Jungkook…” The preppy girl paused, “Uh… who is busy, so in the meantime, the queen is…”

You heard the crowd fade as Jungkook waltzed you away from the humid area to civilization and crisp fall air. Suddenly, you could breathe again, “Congratulations.” Your voice was muffled in Jungkook’s shirt.

He snorted, “Congratulations?”

“You're king, yay.” You weakly offered, still muffled as you heard doors open.

He chuckled and you felt his chest vibrate on your cheek, “Gee, thanks, princess.” It seemed he began climbing up steps.

Suddenly, the anxiety that had been bubbling in the pit of your stomach, poured out tears that threatened to spill. You felt like shit. You couldn't handle a crowd, so you ruined Jungkook’s night. He didn't even have a chance to get crowned all because he was being polite.

“Sorry.” You broke the silence that held in the air for a few minutes as he walked, your voice cracking from embarrassment.

Jungkook frowned, “No, no, sweetheart, none of that.” He damn near cooed.

You heard another door open, and when the door closed again, it was silent. It was silent until you began sobbing, “I'm so sorry.” You cried eyes screwed shut while Jungkook sat down, you still in his arms, his collar tight in your fists.

You were ashamed. You were overwhelmed. You had been so scared, so helpless, and despite being thankful, you felt like such a burden.

Jungkook’s heart shattered. He went into panic mode. The love of his life was sobbing in his arms, apologizing. Initially, he wanted to go back to the amphitheater and beat the shit out of every person who so much as bumped into you, but he'd be damned if he would ever leave your side. Now, he just wanted to see you smile. He just wanted to tell you it was okay, and he loves you, and at the moment he lacked the ability to deem such thoughts irrational.

He had taken you to his apartment near the amphitheater. You had been in and out of sleep for most of the walk, so when Jungkook reached his room above the lobby, taking the stairs to avoid the elevator startling you, he wanted nothing more than to do what he was at that moment. Hold you.

Jungkook rocked you back and forth as you cried it out, shushing you each time you apologized. In the medical record of yours he happened to come across, completely by chance, of course, he saw you had certain symptoms of social anxiety. He figured the crowd must have sent you into a mild anxiety attack, and he just wanted you safe. The safest place was in his arms.

“Don't worry, princess, you're okay.” He spoke lowly, soothing you as he sat down on his bed with you in his lap.

“W-Why are you doing this?” You cried. You could very well ask yourself the same question. It wasn't like you to break down like this, not in front of people, let alone the hottest and meanest guy on campus. Yet this hot, mean, guy was talking you down. You loved it. You craved this for so long, and you wanted to keep it like this. You wanted Jungkook. You realized at that moment, Jungkook must be the one for you. He had to be. Nobody had ever taken any effort to so much as check up on your well being. It was all small talk and half-empty compliments, but Jungkook was full of emotion.

“Oh, y/n, sweet, sweet princess,” He mused and to his delight, your muscles relaxed as he stroked your hair, “It should've have been like this since I first laid eyes on you.”

“Wha-”

“Shh, calm down fully first, questions later.” His soothing voice ordered and you nodded, submissive. You didn't want to think too hard about the logistics of this moment anyway, you would only confuse yourself, “Right now it’s just me and you, that’s all that matters.”

"Me and you…" You echoed.

You both stayed like this for a while until your breathing went even and you relaxed in his embrace and let your eyes drift closed.

The dreams you had were whispers from a lonely past that haunted more often than naught. They held you underwater and left you to face yourself with the nothing you had surrounded yourself with. The eerie symbolism your subconscious brought worried you as you spent your years in a mirroring emotional solitude.

But tonight was different.

Tonight you drifted above water, breathing in a much fuller atmosphere than you were accustomed to. Two muscular arms kept you afloat as puffs of air hit your neck ever so softly. Cologne held you in emotional comfort as you soaked up the air in a paradise you never properly acknowledged as yours to breathe in.

You felt a hand on your hip as you took it in your own, bringing it to your cheek. It was comfortable, a loving silence enveloped you in the wisps of consciousness. You wished to stay like this, not wanting to face the obligatory awkward morning full of confusion and hazy answers to rock-solid questions.

However, you still had some of your logic left as you turned your body to face Jungkook. He was sleeping still as you looked at him. It was funny how relaxed he looked yet how tightly he gripped you. Not that you minded, of course. He was a beautiful man, this much you knew to be true. He had the softest features when not so on guard.

You looked past him to see the time was half-past nine and you had a class in a half-hour, “Shit!” You cursed softly, causing Jungkook to wake up under the assumption you were hurt.

“You okay?” His voice was deeper and groggy and it made your entire body quake.

“I-no, I have a class soon, so I have to go.” You sighed forcing yourself up before pulling the covers off only to see your short dress, “Oh goodness, it's going to look like a walk of shame.” You huffed at your thigh highs that fell to under your knees.

“Not if you borrow something of mine.” Jungkook was stretching as he spoke and you could see the outline of his biceps. You gulped, nodding mindlessly, “I have some joggers and a shirt that-”

“I'm wearing thigh highs and black heels.” You whined, “I'll look insane.” Jungkook chuckled at this before thinking for a moment. Your outfits always had a very evident amount of effort in them, and it was endearing to see how much you cared.

“My shirts may be longer than your dress though.” He stood, going to his closet as you followed suit, “I have a flannel since it's cold.” He presented the black and red garment to you.

“Perfect!” You giggled as you pulled up your thigh highs, making the male in front of you gulp, “Oh...can you unzip me?” You felt your cheeks heat as you turned.

Jungkook gulped once again as he grabbed the delicate zipper and pulled it down. He wondered when he would be able to repeat this action with a more sultry mood. Your skin looked so soft. He wondered how it would feel on his lips.

Once you felt the dress slacken and Jungkook pull away you slipped the flannel over your arms, buttoning from top to bottom as you let the dress fall from under it. He almost wanted to scold you for being so blatant about showing your body, but he couldn't help but find your naivety endearing as well. You left the top two buttons apart as you slipped on the pumps you wore last night. He watched you maneuver the shirt to expose your collarbone that he wanted to run his lips across too,, “Okay, how do I look?” You turned to Jungkook and damn near took his breath away.

You were wearing his shirt like a beautiful dress and he fought the giddy smile from how proud you looked in doing so. The shirt had a very distinctive J.K. on the sleeve and he loved that you were branded by him, “Beautiful.”

You smiled softly, “Thanks,” You broke the trance once you saw the time creeping closer to your class, “Well I should go, I'll see you later!” You missed before grabbing your purse with the intent to buy a notebook and pen for the lecture and rushed out the door.

Jungkook smiled giddily as the door shut. Fuck, you were cute. Part of him was sad that you were in such a rush to leave, but so long as you wore his shirt, he found peace. He turned to gather his things for a shower. He first grabbed his phone to see that you were typing on the messenger. He texted Namjoon a bit for useless advice before his door opened. Before he could turn, two arms wrapped around his stomach.

Before he could instinctually think to pry the person off, he saw the familiar embroidered initials on your sleeve, “Thank you so much for last night.” You mumbled in the fabric of his shirt, “I could never repay you.”

Jungkook enclosed his arms around yours as he looked at the embroidered initials you held on the cuff of the flannel, and he smiled softly, “You doing this is repayment enough.”

“We have to meet up later, because I have a lot of questions, and I'm sure you do too." You nuzzled into his back before letting go, “I'll message you, okay?” You reached for the door.

“I'll look forward to it.” He called before you shut the door. He broke out into a goofy smile as soon as he heard your heels click on the carpeted halls of the apartment and to the front door before shutting it.

The cab you took back to campus cut the 15-minute walk to a 5-minute drive that gives your fast walk a chance to buy the notebook and pen you planned to get and get to class on time. You hated this class actually counted attendance towards a grade since it prevented you from a blissful morning with Jungkook.

Jungkook. You had to pause your thoughts for a moment to properly assess that the fact was Jungkook a factor in your mind that wasn't rooted in fantasy. He had talked you down and held you like it was his obligation, but the craziest part is that it was his choice. You hadn't spoken with him much beyond casual texts, so what inspired such compassion from him.

You propped your head on your palm as your anthropology professor’s words were put to your new notebook. It was the same formula in each class. He would lecture and then pose a question to discuss with someone for five to ten minutes and then lecture some more. Wash, rinse, repeat. The question was to discuss one's theory of evolution and you sighed before turning to your seat neighbor in the lecture hall.

“So, evolution happened, right?” Jisoo, a notably perky and preppy girl, looked at you as you nodded, “Cool, so we got the same theory right?” You shrugged, “Okay, anyway, why are you wearing Jungkook’s shirt?” She smirked at you.

You balked, “Wh-What?” Was all you could muster in the midst of the shock that clouded your brain.

“I know that signature monogram on the sleeve anywhere.” She pointed to your left sleeve and you gasped at the very blatant JK in white, “It cannot be replicated. Taehyung's girlfriend has a crazy precise hand and Jungkook’s family started buying from her.”

“What the hell?” You murmured as you studied the eloquent calligraphy that you somehow missed.

“No stress, I'm not some wannabe campus princess to the princes.” She went on, “But my annoying roommate is and I would just kill to tell her that another has been snatched up into monogamy.” She jeered lightly.

“Well, I-we-” You paused to try and find the words to explain the situation.

“Holy shit, you're the girl he was carrying last night, right?” Jisoo squealed among the hushed conversations of the students around you both, “You so are!” You felt your face heat, “The world is on my side today.” She beamed, “My roommate's sorrow fuels me.”

“Jungkook and I are not…” You didn't want to deny it because the possibility could be there if you played your cards right and prayed to each deity, so you settled with, “We aren't official or anything.” You said with a slight sorrow in your voice, “We didn't even… do anything last night.”

“He never gives his shirts to one night stands.” Jisoo stated matter-of-factly, “Plus he hasn't had anyone in like a month, it's only a matter of time before the other shoe drops.” She noticed your concerned look, “Yes, my roommate is this obsessed and never shuts the fuck up.”

“But we-” You were cut off by your professor bringing the lecture back into rhythm.

“Thank you, y/n, you've honestly made my day.” She held your hand briefly before returning to her notes.

As the day went on, you noticed something odd. You were being gawked at. If you were in a musical, all those whispers would be a very good intro into a song. However, you were not in a musical, because even this was just too outlandish. It was constant whispering and side-eyes. Maybe it would have been easier if you and Jungkook had a label so that you could say an answer to the occasional interrogation you faced instead of sputter a non-committal one.

Finally, you finished your classes for the day and confirmed with Jungkook you would meet at his place. The day was breezy, so you figured a walk wouldn't kill you. That is until you saw Jungkook in the courtyard walking away from the usual table he frequents with a smile plastered on his face.

Maybe it was the way the light hit him or the fact that he was so breathtaking you felt your throat dry. A wave of embarrassment that neglected to hit you this morning engulfed you. For goodness sake, you were parading around in his monogrammed shirt with nothing but your bra and underwear beneath it. Not to mention the fact you were stockings too. What the fuck was going on? You are not his girl, so why were you even entertaining the idea? The shame you felt for even feeling like you could be something was drowning your short-lived self-confidence quickly. You wanted to run back to your dorm and hide.

On second thought, that sounded like a great idea.

You opted to make a beeline for your dorm as inconspicuous as possible, seeing as it was in the direction Jungkook was heading in. You assumed he was going to his car in the student lot that was in front of your building. Go figure.

Your lack of knowledge when it came to Jungkook’s feelings for you did you in. He had tunnel vision. He swore it was some unspoken soulmate connection that always seemed to train his eyes right to your meek form not so subtly fast walking past him. A small smile formed on his face as he jogged up to you.

Your anxious tunnel vision prevented you from noticing the man walking next to you with a grin slapped onto his face, “Slow down, princess, I'm in some pretty heavy combat boots.” His deep voice made you jump and completely miss your footing, making your knee strive to make contact with the concrete. Strong hands held you up before that could happen, though. This lead you into a half-kneeling position before those hands pulled you upright.

“Sorry.” You huffed out, watching your breath dissipate in the air.

Jungkook looked down at your chest unsteadily rising and falling, “Hey, hey, it's okay.” He spoke softly into your ear as his hands reached for yours from behind and he pressed against you so you could feel his chest as he breathed deeply. He smiled at how you relaxed ever so slightly, “Good girl.” He mused as he watched your chest rise and fall a little more steadily.

“People are staring.” You mustered shyly, “They might think-”

“I want them to.” He stated firmly and it made you shiver, “Come on, let's go talk.” He stepped next to you, his left hand remaining intertwined with your right one as he pulled you lightly in his direction.

Your feet moved on their own accord as your mind tried to add up how the hell Jeon Jungkook knew how to: 1. Recognize when you were plagued by the bubbling of an anxiety attack and 2. Bring you back down from boiling over. There was too much going on and the shame that was squeezing at your throat began to loosen its grip as your tightened on Jungkook’s.

Jungkook smiled at you as you both walked through campus and to his evidently expensive car, “It's a bit much, but I bought it when I was 18, what do you expect?” He chuckled a bit as he opened the passenger door for you. You silently cursed to yourself at how weak in the knees he made you.

“My car predated me before it was totaled.” You chuckled a bit at the stark difference between every aspect of you and Jungkook.

Jungkook chose not to ask you what you meant by totaled. He didn't want to bring back harsh memories of what he could only assume was a death-defying car crash. All the signs were there from the way you tense when somebody yells or some idiot crushes a tin can obnoxiously. He's watched you long enough to know how to put two and two together. Almost everything you do has a reason.

The seats in his car were a deep black leather that reminded you of some cosmic wormhole you could get lost into. It was like a portal into another realm, but there was a slight sting in your nerves at the thought of how many women have sat in the same seat as you with a much heavier mood than this one.

Heavy.

It was now that the weight of your situation hit you harder than ever. Jungkook’s hand had made its way onto your own at some point. Odds are, the way his thumb was rubbing on your palm was the only thing keeping you from dry heaving the anxiety attack you've been swallowing down for the past 10 minutes. You wanted to hate yourself for being so susceptible to his touch. It felt so pathetic. Like you were some charity case or minor piece of some teen movie bet he made with his friends.

There was no way this shit could be real.

That's what you kept repeating to yourself the whole way to his apartment. Even when walking through the very nice building and waiting for the glass elevator. Up the 7 floors, you unintentionally counted and finally to the mahogany door that read 709 in gold numbers.

The living room was quite wonderful. A color palette of black and white reigned throughout. It was very indicative of the serious side of him. However, occasional knick-knacks and posters told you there was a side of him most people don't see, one that you have only seen a small semblance of.

All this, unfortunately, wasn't enough to quell the tightness in your chest as you tried not to obsess over how taboo this all feels.

“Jungkook.” Your mouth spoke before you could stop it. The man in question snapped his head up at the sound of his name, but more so the sound of your voice. Now with his undivided attention, you had no words.

This isn't right.

What is going on?

Is this some sort of sick joke?

Do you always do this?

Instead, all that came out was, “Wh-Where'd you get this candle?” You could beat the shit out of yourself and still not be satisfied as you pointed at the strawberry mint candle with the shakiest of hands. You made a complete 180 as you faced your back to Jungkook to admire the glass candle that obviously had a store name on the label.

Jungkook smiled knowingly. You were so cute. So nervous, scared, confused, and all you could ask was where he got a candle. You were on guard, and he was sane enough to understand why. It made sense. However, sanity only stretches so far between him and his group of friends.

There was an overwhelming presence in the air around you and you couldn't pinpoint why it was so apparent until you felt a rock hard torso press into you, “It was a gift.” Your breath hitched at the gruff voice behind you as you felt Jungkook's nose survey your neck, “But I don't think you care about it that much, hm?” You shuddered when you felt the vibration of his question against your neck.

“H-Hm…” Was all you could muster as your knees nearly locked.

“Fuck.” Jungkook growled as his hands locked in the front of your hips, pulling you flush against him, “I'm really trying to take it slow here, and you are making me so fucking hard.”

You gulped and only then did you realize you were salivating, “I'm sorry, I didn't mean to.” You said before immediately regretting it. Why couldn't you ever go with any flow?

The tension snapped with a hearty laugh and a kiss on the top of your head, “Son of a bitch, you are so cute.” He mused, spinning you to face him, “I'm sorry if I scared you, I just…” A hint of red dusted his cheeks as his brown eyes darted across the room, “Feel so much for you.”

While you could infer as much considering the past 24 hours, you could not deduce, “Why?” You blurted out, “Not to sound annoying, but I genuinely don't get it.”

“You are so genuine.” Jungkook looked in your eyes, more confident now, “Everything about you is so honest and yet there is so much more I could only see now that I am this close to you.” It was then you realized his nose had been touching yours and there was an almost magnetic pull that caused you to tilt your head up and flutter your eyes closed.

This was it. This was his chance to burst out laughing and talk about how dumb you look. It was now or never, really. He still had time to pull back and kick you out. It would be so much easier for both of you.

However, your thoughts were quickly shut down by plush lips meeting your own. Jungkook's hands gripped your hips as he brought you closer and deepened the kiss. This spurred you to travel on hand up to his chest and the other to the back of his neck and you brushed through his hair, making him groan into your mouth. Before you could even think, your tongues were intertwined, no fight for dominance needed. It was a dance and you happily gave Jungkook the lead.

After a millennia of exploring each other's mouths, you both pulled back ever so slightly to breathe, “I don't want anyone else to see this much of you.” Jungkook's breathed as his hand went to stroke your warm cheek, “Too precious, so beautiful.” He mused, “I want you for myself.”

“Me?”

“You.” Jungkook confirmed, “Be mine.”

“This doesn't make sense-” You shook your head, trying to break from the trance he had you in but his hands that cupped your face kept you trained on him.

“Do you want to be mine?” He asked firmly, “Because I know I want to be yours more than anything.” This made your breath hitch, “I want to be the only one who can touch you, kiss you, hold you, fuck if I had it my way I would be the only one able to even look at you.”

“Jungkook where is this coming from-”

“Do you want to be mine?” He asked sternly, “Answer me honestly, princess.” He spoke firmly as you were forced to look into his eyes.

“I do, but I-” You were cut off with a heart-melting kiss. The only thing you could think of was that you were his.

The kiss was Jungkook telling you everything you needed to hear. He was pacifying you and it was liberating to be cared for. It had been you looking after yourself for so long. His hands went under your thighs and you wrapped your legs around him. He held you so tightly, you felt safe. You felt safe as he kissed down your neck

You were lost in the feeling of his lips against your skin until you heard your shoe drop, "Kook." Was all you could muster but it was enough for him to pull away for a moment, breath heavy and pupils blown. The sight of him being so fucked out after just kissing shook you to your very core, "D-Don't trip on my shoe-" You sputtered as your other shoe fell too, "Shoes, I mean." You smiled sheepishly as you watched the corner of his lips twitch before a cheesy smile sprung into his face. The mood in the room shifted dramatically and cursed yourself, "Oh I didn't mean to fuck up the mood, I want to do...it...with you-" You paused and huffed in frustration, still avoiding eye contact, "I sound so dumb, can you just… shut me up?" You finally gained the courage to look at him, pupils still blown, mouth agape in a short smirk, and his tongue made an appearance to swipe across his bottom lip.

Jungkook simply shifted you to where you could feel his bulge against you clothed core and you gasped at the sensation, "Oops." He shrugged before diving back into your neck.

"Shit." You moaned out, pressing yourself harder against his erection. With this movement, you felt the vibration of a growl against your neck as your back pressed harder against the wall.

In this frenzy of sensations, your eyes only shot open when one of Jungkook's hands slipped past your underwear to rub your sex, fingers instantly coated in your juices. Both of you groaned in tandem at the sensation.

Jungkook could barely work through his thoughts. Everything he had been doing was purely primal. The innate ecstasy of having your lips on his clouding his mind and when he felt how wet you were, he could no longer hold himself back. His filthy thoughts were coming to a head as one of his fingers slipped into you with such tantalizing ease. He leaned his head up to lick the shell of your ear and you let out another delicious gasp at your own sensitivity, "Fuck, you're so wet." He growled into your ear, finger pushing in and out, "I slipped in so easily, and yet, your pretty little pussy keeps sucking my finger back in." He pushed another finger in, "What a greedy little thing you are, hm?:

Your mouth popped open, tongue sticking out ever so slightly as Jungkook fucked your pussy with only two fingers. Your face was red from his explicit words in your ear, but you by no means wanted him to stop, "Please, Kook, I want you inside me."

At your pleading, he curled his fingers up, "What?" He mused tauntingly, "This isn't enough?"

You shook your head, "I want you so bad." You moaned out as he slipped a third finger in.

"How bad?" His voice was husky in your ear before turning to look at your face. His resolve to tease you was shaken drastically at your lewd expression.

"I need it!" You cried out, feeling your high creeping closer, but not wanting to achieve it before you became one with him, "I want your cock inside me so bad!" You moaned out and in an instant, Jungkook freed his hardened erection out only to rip your panties to rub around your exposed opening.

"Ask nicely." He teased, despite his voice very evidently being strained.

"Please fuck me, Jungkook!" Your eyes rolled back as you felt him push inside you with a satisfied grunt when you were filled to the hilt.

The feeling of being so full was intoxicating and when he began thrusting something awoke within you as your arms locked around your neck to allow you the leverage to bounce up and down as he held you up in the air, "Fuck, baby." He moaned out as your hips worked wildly on his dick, "So fucking good to me." He managed before moaning out again as your nails dug into his shoulder.

He felt the need to put you in your place as he turned to lay you both on the sofa, him above you, pounding mercilessly hands ripping the flannel on your body open, the clatter of the buttons falling on deaf ears as he pulled your bra down to suck on your nipple while he fucked you into oblivion, "I've waited so long to feel you around me, fuck." He was in bliss as his hips snapped against you.

His hand went to pinch your other nipple as you began to tighten around him. His hips were beginning to stutter as you both approached your orgasms.

"You gonna cum around me, princess?" He began to thrust harder as you could only let out a choked moan, trying to nod in response, "Do it, baby, cum for me." You didn't need to be told twice as the swirling in your stomach snapped and your well-deserved release came as your vision went white, a scream ripping from your throat.

Feeling you around him was intoxicating. He could hardly control his hips as he ground against you, needier than he had ever been in his life. He was chasing his release, but he also wanted to be inside you like this forever. You were panting as his mouth wrapped around your nipple and you clenched around him. This spurred Jungkook to reach his peak that much quicker with his hips barreling into you until he came with a low moan, hips thrusting spastically as you and he rode out the sensation together.

Your chest heaved as you tried to regain your senses. Jungkook pulled out slowly as you grimaced at the sensation.

He let out a breathy chuckle against your ear at this, "Trust me, baby, I'd kill to stay inside…" He trailed off jokingly as you scrunched your nose with a laugh.

He smiled at you before he made quick work of the condom you hadn't even known was there before redressing himself. You fell asleep, memories of him dressing you in a large T-shirt and slipping a pair of boxers up your legs hazy at best.

Finally, for the second time in 24 hours, you were carried to his bed.

Jungkook slept like a rock with you in his arms, knowing that you were safe and finally his. He wouldn't be surprised if a pleased smile was brushed across his mouth the entire night. The post-sex glow only adding to the grandiose pleasure of carrying you into his bed again. He had been so close to losing you so many times, but in the end, it only proves you both were meant to be. He loved you. He knew that much, and confidently. However, that confession would have to wait. He didn't want to even think of overwhelming you or scaring you away.

You woke up much more naturally than you were used to. You flicked your eyes upward only to see the sun void in the sky. You looked at Jungkook's clock to see it was 4:00AM. You sighed dreamily as you looked at Jungkook. He looked more boyish when he was asleep, his domineering aura not present at the moment. You propped yourself up on your elbow as you studied his face at the moment. You lightly poked his cheek with an amused glance.

Not wanting to seem creepy, you opted to get water and then go back to bed. You softly tossed the covers off your body, and all was well until you stood up. Your standing time clocked in at 5 seconds and your walking time at 2 as you crumbled to the hardwood, thighs slapping against it, "Shit!" You blurted, forgetting how long it's been since you had sex.

Jungkook woke up immediately. He sprang into a sitting position as he looked around the darkroom for your form once he realized you weren't next to him, "Baby?" His voice was so much deeper, sleep still present and you would've been a lot more turned on if you weren't on the floor, "Y/n?!" He was growing more panicked until he heard you.

"Here." You raised your hand and his eyes darted to the direction if your meek voice.

"Princess?" He was more confused this time as his legs swung over the bed to reach your crumbled form, "What are you doing here, huh?" He looked down as you, legs splayed on either side, "Not trying to run from me, are you?" He laughed nervously.

You didn't catch his tone and shook your head, "Can we just say I like the floor and not that I can't walk straight?" You lifted your hand, asking for help. You could see his smug smirk as he leaned down to pull your arms so he was holding you much like he was not long ago, "I just wanted water." You mumbled through pouting lips.

"We can go get some." He held the smirk on his face as you clung to him. He walked with you to the kitchen like that, setting you on the counter before handing you a glass. He stroked your thighs as you tipped the glass between your lips.

You gave him a smile, wet lips glistening as you offered him the glass, "Want some?" He shook his head with a blissful smile as he gave you a slow kiss.

You pulled apart, sipping on the water while Jungkook watched the skin of your thighs in his hands. He squeezed them, enjoying how you looked under his touch, how liberating it felt to touch you all he wanted, "You're so fucking beautiful." He breathed, leaning down to place a kiss on top of your right thigh, before moving to the other. It was softer than he envisioned.

"Kook?" You questioned as you set the glass down on the granite. He placed his hands on your knees, spreading them slowly, placing kisses up your knees. You breathed hitched as he reached your inner thigh, only to deflate when he moved to the other knee.

"Your skin is so soft." He nearly moaned against your thigh, and it wasn't until he was just a couple kisses from your core that he let out a hearty moan, "You smell so fucking good." He growled out as you felt his nose press against your clothed pussy. He stretched the material of the briefs and you felt the pressure of the taut fabric against you. You bit your lips at this, "Can I eat you out, baby?" His nose stayed at your center and you wondered how you weren't grossed out as his strongest hands spread you further, "I am a little… parched now that I think about it." He pulled away to give you a devilish smile as he put your legs over his shoulders.

"Can we at least go to the bedroom?" You whined, "This countertop looks really nice." Jungkook breathed a small chuckle.

"I guess I can wait just a little bit." His eyes flicked back up to you from the definite wet spot on the white boxers he gave you, "Hold on tight."

Your eyebrows scrunched, "What do you- OH MY GOD!" Faster than you could blink, Jungkook grabbed you by the thighs and held your pussy against his face, legs locking behind his neck, and hands frantically going into his hair as you became much taller than you could ever imagine.

He groaned as you writhed against him, his mouth catching kisses upon your lips through the increasingly annoying item of clothing. You squeaked each time as he skillfully maneuvered his way back to the bedroom. His arms had locked against your thighs, keeping you on his shoulders as he shamelessly pressed you up against the wall to lick you through the fabric. The soreness was easier to ignore as you let bliss and pleasure overtake your senses.

"Not enough." You whined and felt Jungkook chuckle against you.

He laid you on the bed, "You're such a brat when you're horny." He teased before moving the boxers so quickly off of you he tore them.

"Rich coming from the Hulk here-FUCK!" You threw your head back when Jungkook licked a thick stripe on your clit.

"What was that, baby?" He placed a hand flat on your sex as you writhed against him.

"Please, Kook." You let out a strangled moan when the nickname sent him into a lovesick frenzy on your pussy. His mouth found home on your clit, and he groaned at the squeal that left your beautiful lips.

Jungkook could do this all day, all night. You were so undeniably gorgeous, and you tasted like heaven. You were his awakening. You were his savior. But most importantly, you were his. His main goal seemed to be memorizing the feel of you under his tongue. This was the most selfish head he has given to someone who was enjoying it so much. His dick was absolutely twitching at each time you squirmed, he tried to pull himself through his boxers and give himself relief, but he could only moan when his hands left his own appendage to hold your hips still. He almost lost it when you let out the cutest whine as he left your clit to kiss up your body.

"I was so close." You murmured, hands on your eyes. He wondered how you were still so shy despite screaming his name only moments ago.

He pushed the shirt up as his mouth set its course to your own, stopping to grab your breasts, tongue going to each nipple as you let out a soft gasp each time the muscle twirled around the sensitive buds. His mouth reached your neck as he sucked with a ferocity that would surely leave a mark. He licked the area of busted capillaries with a satisfied smile you could feel against your neck. Your arms lay on his shoulders, hands in his hair as his mouth lay on yours. You almost stopped him, not wanting to taste yourself, but you relented. His lips looked so kissable, and he actually wanted to kiss you. You pulled him closer to you, feeling his bare dick on your equally bare core.

You gasped at the sensation. You both knew there was no way you could handle being penetrated again, but when his hips instinctively bucked, grinding his length along you, an alternative arrived. You nodded lightly, nibbling on his bottom lip. He grunted as his hips moved hesitantly again. He took your moan into his mouth and as a sign to keep going. He ground down hard and you almost threw your head back.

"Fuck." He growled as pressed himself against you, "You got me so fucking hard for you, princess." His lips moved against yours, "Can you feel how much I want you, baby?"

"Yes, yes!" You were being fucked into the bed and you loved the sensation of your body bouncing against him, his shaft against your clit making a delicious sensation for you, "I want you too, I-I-" You cut yourself off with a gasp of pleasure as your eyes rolled back. The very act of getting off by just grinding was so erotic, you could barely keep your tongue in your mouth, the heavy atmosphere too much for you not to taste.

"Oh, shit," He grunts as he rutted against you, "You what, baby, hm?" His hips moved expertly as you could feel yourself getting closer. You were losing your mind as he went to capture your lips again.

"I-fuck!" You moaned out as his thrusts became more desperate, "I love you so much, Kookie, fuck!" You lost your mind. You hadn't even thought of the words before they left your mouth with a moan.

Jungkook nearly saw white when he heard you say those words. Those wonderful little words. You were just like him, weren't you? So lonely, yet so sure of what you felt. You had to be, right? You were his, after all. You would continue to be.

He sped his movements up in the chase for his high and excitement at your confession, "Yeah? You love me?" You nodded weakly as the bed shook, "I love you so fucking much, baby." His lips moved against yours as he spoke, "Fuck, fuck-AH!" He cursed as he came, ropes of cum decorating your pelvis as you came, legs enclosing around his muscular body to keep him pressed against you. His hips moved ever so slightly as you both rode out your highs, chests heaving against one another.

When the morning came, Jungkook found empty sheets next to him, inciting another wave of panic as he sat up, checking the floor frantically. When you weren't there, he sprang up, ripping his bedroom door open, causing your form on the couch to jump, "Oh my!" You gasped, halting movements, needle and thread in hand along with a familiar flannel in your lap, "Never startle a seamstress." You placed your hand over your chest.

Jungkook was relieved, walking over to you wordlessly to plant a kiss on your lips and you smiled into it, "Never scare me into thinking you left." He mumbled against your mouth, stealing another kiss.

You nodded as he pulled away, "I'd never leave you, Kook." You smiled blissfully, "I may be a little crazy, but I'm not stupid."

Jungkook plopped on the sofa cushion next to you, "I know, baby." He was all too satisfied with your answer, "So what was so important I woke up alone?" He was still a bit pouty and you rolled your eyes.

"Well somebody, not gonna name any names," You glared at him, "Likes to rips things, such as buttons, off of a very lovely shirt." You gestured to the flannel in hand, "Ironically enough, you're a clothes ripper with a clothes fixer as a girlfriend who loves you enough to use said skills." You teased as he watched your hands expertly attach the buttons to the shirt.

"Well, I love you too, angel." He planted a kiss on your cheek as you reddened, "You don't have to fix the clothes, though." He pointed out and you shrugged, "Whatever I rip, I'll buy you an even better version of it." He breathed against your ear and you giggled. You almost forgot how unbelievably wealthy he was.

"Well, I like this shirt." You admired your work of the buttons, "It has sentimental value." You mused as you placed it and the sewing materials on the table.

Jungkook to the chance to pull you into his lap as you let out a squeak. He brushed his nose along your neck, admiring his markings before you laid your head against his chest, "You're so fucking cute." He sighed as you buried your head in his chest, "I hope you know I mean it." He breathed, "I love you."

You sighed dreamily, "I love you, Kook." You mused, "I never knew I did, but it feels like I always have."

He squeezed you a little tighter, "And always will." You nodded with a smile and your eyes closed, missing his serious expression.

Jungkook was not messing around anymore. You were his now. He had everything he needed, and he would go to the ends of the Earth to keep it that way. You would hardly leave his sight, and he would give you the world. All you had to do was love him, be with him, stay near him, and he could ensure your wildest dreams would come true. You were his wildest dream, after all, it's the least he could do to pay you back for spending the rest of your life with him, right?

#yandere bts #yandere jungkook #jungkook smut #jeon jungkook #yandere smut #bts fanfic

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emmacreatures · 4 years

Text

DANTILLIAN STORY AU PART 1

AU: This is a continue after Dante and Killian met each other through high school in which Killian was a jock and dante the biggest nerd one can imagine. They became very close and happy together. Dante inbetween school created a robotic arm prototype as an idea for the future.. but halfway school, Killian became rather violent and so protective over Dante. It showed part of his darker side he seemed to have. As he fell out of school and started to make himself big in the underground world, becoming one of the most dangerous ones out there, dante on the other side completed his college and medical degree as well. Eventually he got himself into the agency world as just like walter, showed great intelligence and scientific skills that most didn't have. However, Joyless, always doubted his intentions. As dante has immense constant activity in his mind which they did test, it showed he could not only help the agency, but in a way also could be a threat. That always worried her, as eventually.. It would lead to consequences which was out of dante’s reach.

STORY:

“there must be something there..” Joyless said rather tiring, watching the big screens as most agents did their work. She walked back and forth through the room before thinking of a solution. For a while now there have been rather odd happenings at their base in the UK. For sterling was currently out of the picture.. “Call Dante for me.. I need to have a word with him immediately” She said with a rather deadly stare, making some of the coworkers frown. “Dante? Why-” “Don't ask any questions. Just get him for me” Joyless said quickly before one of the colleagues around started running to get what she wanted. As she watched the man go, she was already preparing what to say. She knew dante was very much advanced to notice any defaults when people would speak.. But he couldn't help it. The man was just very well trained as his mind was always active.

Dante always worked day and night. His brain never tended to stop. Hence why he loved to make way more intriguing things. Rather more daring and complicated for most couldn't follow. It was just his way of relaxing but as well working the most he could but some didn't seem to appreciate it, which slowly, started to become something that hurt him.. “Yo.. Dan?” One of dante’s colleagues called as dante sighed. “Its dante.. Not dan, and what is it?” dante sounded a bit annoyed, but turned around more soft in the end. “Joyless wants to speak with you..” He said rather quick, making Dante frown. “Me?” “Yeah.. You, you better hurry. It seems urgent” The colleague said as Dante quickly grabbed his phone before heading to the main room, being rather surprised he got called, considering joyless and him never had the most smoothest way of handling things. Usually just misunderstanding. As dante gently knocked, the doors opened for him, allowing him to enter the big room before all was closed and rather secluded. “I heard I had to come as soon as possible. Have I done something wrong?” dante said rather caring, holding his own hands while Joyless just stood at random in the room, her hands on her back. “No.. Dante you have not. I am actually here to ask you for a mission this time” Joyless started as Dante was rather surprised, trying to ask something as she was ahead of him. “I know you’ll question.. Why or what and that it may not be your department. I’ll explain” Joyless said as she grabbed her little remote control to activate the bigger screens in the room, showing exactly what she needed him for. “For a while now we’ve noticed rather odd signals coming from our base in the UK.. As far as we tried to reach out to the ones that used to work there, none of them reply. We assume something has been hacked or rather taken care off in a way we don't want to know.. But we do know the place might be used as a hideout. I am asking you with your abilities to hopefully track down what those signals are.. And if you can stop them” Joyless said. Dante frowned as he was thinking wisely. “Although you’ve said before this is not my department.. What if there are armed men or worse. I cannot defend myself against those. I’m a doctor, and somewhat scientist” dante said to cover that part. He knew joyless didn't like that. “I’m not someone made for the field or such, you can see that for yourself” Dante said as they all knew the man was slim and not strongly build either. “I am aware dante..” Joyless said as she sighed. “It are strange times.. I already lost sterling through all madness.. I would’ve asked him if I could. I have the idea with your different kind of skill that you can stop this or at least figure out whatever there may be.. I just can't think of anyone else who can help me” joyless said as Dante frowned a bit. It was the first time she ever showed this kind of appreciation, but saying no to the CEO was hard to do. “I can understand the risk is too much, but if anything, I’d appreciate you if you’d accept this and try to help. I know you always want to help” Joyless said as it was true. But it made Dante doubt a bit. Why all the sudden did she want his help as their chemistry wasn't always so perfect.. Though, sitting here and just working on things in the lab were not the easiest thing as most did not allow dante to go all out on experiments. So.. Perhaps saying yes would be best. “I suppose I have to go as soon as possible right” Dante only said, making Joyless smirk hiddenly before she’d turn to him rather serious. “I’ll give all info, but yes.. It would be best if you could leave immediately after you’ve gotten things ready”.

As joyless had given all info and made Dante get ready, it didn't take long before he had grabbed his car and drove off.. Joyless had arranged a special large plane to be able to transport dante and his car along so he could drive to the building that so happened to be close to the coast side. Joyless entered the big room again in which she kept track of any mission being done. She noticed several men being curious to why she asked dante for help.. As she had explained, they frowned.. “Isn't that a risk Joyless?” they asked, for joyless looked up at the data that passed by while she spoke. “We were planning to fire him soon anyhow.. He seems too much of a threat with what he can do. What if his intelligence might turn its back to us and use it against us..” she said as most were silent. “I figured we could make use of that brain of his one more time. Dante is one of the few with his abilities.. He might be able to give a hint of who we’re exactly dealing with” She said rather.. Emotionless, making most actually swallow or even slightly feel bad. “So you send him, to this random place which is possible hijacked.. Without any real agent strength?” One asked as another shook his head slightly. “You really are joyless.. Thats kinda dark” another said.. As Joyless snorted a bit. “You sound just like lance.. Alas. Focus on your own work” She said as most got the hint to not speak about it again.. Joyless watched how the plane she got planned was ready to take off.. And soon dante would be on his way.

Rather dangerous footsteps were made over the floor in the UK at the base Killian had managed to take over. One of the scientists from the agency that he had captured was working hard on many things. Feeling a drone constantly focused on him. Each time whenever steps were heard the scientist himself feared for his life.. And he had all rights to think that. The scientist was exhausted and made tons of mistake through time due the pressure and lack of time and sleep.. But Killian didn't take those things as an excuse. He should already be happy he was still alive.. But the work this scientist had created was bugging him immensely. As time went too fast, lags and bugs arrived in his system, making Killian feel quite the amount of pain while doing not much with his robotic arm. It started to eat him up, as his moods did not become better from it either. Already dealing with traumas from his experiences which made him lose his arm a while back.. Feeling pain on top and being reminded he had the arm wasn't the most nicest fairytale. The closer killian came to the scientist, the more he hurried. Sweat was constantly on his forehead out of stress.. But he had no other option but to listen. “I- Sir.. Almost.. I promise you.. It’ll work. I just need.. a little more time that's.. That's- all I ask” The scientist started to beg as he noticed Killian slightly move his claw to control the drone close to him. But as Killian was about to talk or take action, one of the security systems of the building detected movement.. Making him frown and focus on that after he glared at the scientist to make him hurry and work. Deciding to go to the other room where he could watch all security footage, he narrowed his eyes… It seemed a rather agent like car just started to drive up to the entrance of the building.. Funnily enough the front door was open. Killian could easily close it.. Yet, he was curious who would come this time around. It couldn't be sterling.. so.. Lets watch what would occur. Killian on purpose wouldn't let anything happen yet in terms of attack.. Until he’d see what he’s dealing with. Taking the drone away from the scientist as well.. It would seen only he would be there, for Killian awaited what would happen, and stayed in the shadows.

Dante drove towards the entrance of the building after he drove out of the plane which immediately flew away. It seemed he was standing alone against whatever may be in the building. As the italian man took a deep breath while coming closer and closer, he indeed noticed odd signals.. Powerful signals. His car were detecting it. “thats.. More than just power..” He whispered, frowning as the building itself seemed.. fine? Though as he came closer and closer, he noticed the door was just open. Knowing this was a special secret base, was a bit strange to see the invitation was right there. Dante could literally drive in. “Almost seems too good to be true..” Dante frowned but.. Despite those signals were strong, he didn't seem to see any weapons either.. So after lots of thinking, Dante drove through the entrance, seeing barely anyone active. After another deep breath he very slowly came out of the car, taking one weapon himself, just a gun with some extras he added.. He thought it would be smart to modify the gun for himself in case necessary. He doesn't have any strength himself, so using his mind could do alot by adding special power to a regular gun. Holding it in his hand while slowly his phone as well to track wherever this signal was coming from.. It seemed almost abandoned. Dante was taking horrible risks to putting himself out in the open, but it seemed best to look through the building before checking on more. For example where he could track where the signal was coming from. After a while of very slow and attentive walking, he noticed nothing, so slowly he put the gun in the back of his pants and kept on continuing to explore. As he slowly dared to open a door, he noticed an insane view towards the water, but as well noises coming from the side.. Dante slowly was about to grab his gun again, but then he remembered the man’s face. “Jerry?” Dante frowned as the exhausted scientist got shocked by another voice, before turning to where it came from.. “D. Dante? W.. What in the world are you doing here?!” The man said a bit stressed but merely confused, making Dante frown back. “What I’m doing here? I can ask the same back at you” Dante sounded a bit annoyed, approaching him more as Jerry swallowed. “The agency sent me here to check upon odd signals that seem to come from here” Dante said rather serious, making Jerry frown again. “Wh.. The agency? I thought they fired you” Jerry said rather surprised, as dante began to frown rather angry.. “What.. No? They send me here, specifically” Dante said as the realization hit him. “I see.. I got hints they were planning to do so.” Jerry said rather serious as dante would narrow his eyes.. “I see.. Says the person who is currently working for.. I suppose not the agency” Dante felt hit from the inside to have heard this from jerry. But now he wanted answers too from him. “W.. I- You don't understand. I have NO choice.. He’ll kill me if he knows I talk about him in the slightest” Jerry said as Dante frowned.

As killian watched a rather slim build man enter the building he frowned. He couldnt tell who it was directly, but somehow there rang a bell subconsciously in his mind. As he decided to come closer without them realizing, he took the drone with him, silently watching in the shadows. But the second the blonde haired man spoke.. It hit him. Out of all people, it was Dante.. The man he met back so many years ago at college before they went their ways. Killian was more than stunned about it, watching carefully to realize the man was sent by the agency, for his intelligence apparently struck their interest.. But what made him smirk mostly for a second was to hear the slight anger showed when Jerry told him some info. A thing Killian didn't know off either.

“So we’re not alone..” dante whispered as he looked around, but he didn't notice anything. “Why are you here in general.. You are rather exhausted from what I can tell” Dante said with a raised eyebrow. In his head the process of having heard what jerry said started to hit more.. The agency technically threw him towards this place and would see what would happen.. Considering they planned on firing him, it was a handy idea, so it didnt matter what would occur. Whether dante would get hurt or not... Joyless turned out to be more cruel than Dante expected. It made him rather angry inside, than the innocent he tends to be. As he walked through the area a bit, he noticed blueprints laying around.. Making him widen his eyes.. He rememberd these. “Those are my blueprints.. Where did you get these..” Dante said rather angry now, holding them before he glared back at Jerry. “WHERE DID YOU GET THESE” Dante called furiously, stepping towards Jerry as the man swallowed. “Like I said.. I can't speak of this.. Else he’ll-” The second Jerry tried to talk, a drone came in between them.. Which made Dante swallow to see the assassin they spoke about at the agency that was recently stolen.. Killian decided to secretly stop their conversation.. It was enough. Yet still staying in the shadows. To see such a strong weapon fly in between them made Dante so silent before he very slowly grabbed the gun from his back.. even though it technically was nothing compared to the assassin he saw in front of him. He felt like he had to have something in front of him.. “I’m not here to hurt anyone..” Dante even said all the sudden, not hearing any footsteps, just the red light shining against dante for the drone seemed to be focusing on him.. The italian man swallowed deep inside. He knew this drone could technically kill him right away. “I won't attack..” Dante even whispered.. Before he’d hear one movement from the side, making him tighten his hand around the weapon. He had no idea who could be there, but from hearing Joyless’ worry.. This person must be incredibly dangerous. “Hello?..” dante called once out of slight concern, before feeling a tiny sting in his neck.. Fired by the assassin that he didn't realize for he focused on his surroundings which were rather dark.. As he pulled it out, he felt his muscles weaken, and entire energy lessened.. He knew he was just drugged to fall asleep. Within seconds dante fell unconscious.. For his sight soon turned dark. As killian walked out of the shadows he watched dante once only with his eyes to check if the fall didn't hurt him.. All he seemed to be doing was that he was in a very deep sleep, making Killian focus on jerry.. Who indeed, had said too much. “Incredible how I thought you couldn't behave or work worse than I expected..” Killian said low, activating his claw which even hurt to make the assassin go to jerry, to pick him up and get rid of him. “WAIT. PLEASE. I DIDN'T MEAN TO” “what's done is done.. Such a shame isn't it..” Killian said before letting the man fall into the deep waters outside of the base, before closing the huge window he could control. he hissed as his arm was growing worse, but he stepped more inside again, kneeling down once to Dante to take the man’s polse, to make sure all was fine. He just had to anesthetize him. There was no other way as of now. “long time no see..” Killian just whispered seriously before taking him to another room.. Away from most things, to let him rest and hopefully sooner or later get to talk.

Few hours had passed as Dante eventually groaned of slight pain. His head was just swirling.. As he slowly pushed himself up from a bed he rubbed over his head, breathing slowly in and out.. realizing where he was. “Argh.. Shit” Dante actually barely cursed, but realizing he was drugged for a few hours made him worry. He hasn't expected such an approach, but it just happened.. As Dante tried to stand, he felt his body still being all over the place.. Making him sit back down “I wouldnt start to walk yet.. it's quite heavy stuff that the assassin can use. But I suppose with your medical degree you are more than aware on what to do” Killian said as he grabbed some water.. Making Dante groan again slightly to focus better… “And no more glasses I see..” Killian said as Dante just felt so confused for a second “How do you.. Did you search on my past etc.. There is no one that knows that much except..” Dante said as he swallowed.. Due the drug it was hard for him to think.. “Am I that easy to forget.. I wouldn't expect that Dante.. Out of all people” Killian then said.. As Dante got hit by memories and the exact way the man said his name.. He was speechless for seconds before he got the word out. “Killian?...” Dante whispered almost out of pure disbelief, making him blink before the man slowly came out of the shadows to put the glass of water next to him.. The man slowly sat down then, crossing his leg over another while not necessarily putting his robotic arm in sight. “How.. I..” dante was a bit off the grid. To meet the one person he was so close with back many years ago, in such a new phase so to say. In a different area, vibe and energy.. And to see him grown. It hit dante.. “I promised you I’d keep those blueprints safe..” Killian said all the sudden, making dante speechless once more.. “It seemed like you.. Needed them. Or did I miss something? I’m… A bit..” “Confused. I see that” Killian said rather direct to dante but he was right.. The man sighed a bit as Dante slowly crawled back mentally too. “I didn't need them beforehand but.. As faith turned its back on me, they came in handy” Killian said before he’d put his claw now on top of his own knee while sitting, letting it slowly sink for dante to see. Dante felt his strength slowly coming back, making him focus more on the fact they actually met.. again, in such circumstances. “Out of all people.. I didn't expect to.. Run back into you” dante said as he slowly stood up, breathing a bit more firm to let it sink.. “I did expect you to become either a doctor or use that brain of yours that I can remember.. Though I recall.. The agency hasn't been too kind to you either..” Killian had a hard time even saying that word because of his own past with lance.. But he wanted to use that anger now. Especially since they were not too kind to dante either. As for now, that in a way came in handy. “I cant believe they backstabbed me..” Dante whispered, before sighing. “It seemed the CEO wasnt so appreciative of my brain… And has seen me as a threat. They used me.. Sending me here without any idea what risks I could have had. I could’ve been killed. And they seemed not to care..” Dante said angrily before he’d breathe in again to try and stop the anger from growing, but it was a lot.. Killian went into it, standing up while he approached Dante. “Seems like they don't appreciate you..” Killian said deadly serious while stepping closer.. Making Dante look more angry. “No one did” He said rather pissed.. For Killian stood almost behind him. “You and me both know someone always did.. And still does” Killian said serious, his eyes focused on Dante as it made Dante turn around, looking up at the taller and way more mature man than what he knew years ago.. “Killian..” The man whispered before Killian took a deep inhale before looking down at his own arm, as he knew it would make Dante look in the exact same direction.. “I need your help Dante..” Killian said deadly serious once again, but the slight gratitude already showed that Dante did not judge him on the spot.. “the pathetic.. Ex colleague i’ll call it now for you, tried to come close with the blueprints you’ve given me.. But he failed. As you may have noticed” Killian said as the claw at random sometimes twitched, making Killian try to keep himself silent although it was horribly painful. “You should’ve come to me in the first place.. In terms of such projects” Dante said as he looked away, making Killian speak more. “I did not know what path you took after college. I know you may still be angry with me for the fact I had to leave. But there was no other option. And you know that as well” Killian said as he took the man’s head with his claw to make him look directly in killian’s eyes.. “I have my reasons for why I am doing what I’m doing.. But I need your help, Dante” Killian said almost threatening.. But more because he was afraid to lose dante again. he would never hurt the man. Dante knew too.. But Killian grew very dominant over the years.. And he had all right to do that. He saw dante had to think on this, but in combination of the backstabbing of the agency.. He knew something cracked inside.. “Do you have everything I need to help you..” Dante said rather serious back, first having looked down before looking back up, feeling how the claw let go of his head gently. “If you tell me what you need.. I’ll get it for you without hesitation” Killian said as he put the claw behind his back again, looking directly at dante who was in thoughts.. “Then we have no time to lose.. Do we..” Dante said back, making Killian look as focused as possible before planning on rebuilding the man’s claw would start.. To stop the horrendous pain Killian was going through.. But as well to have full control even better over all the thousand drones.. TO BE CONTINUED.

#dantillian #killian #Dante #Spies in disguise #AU #Emmacreatures #niku30

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digitalta · 3 years

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Oh wow that's an immense relief, thank you for setting my mind at ease there and your perspective makes a lot of sense, really glad I didn't actually step on your toes with that first ask. Doing some form of commission/exchange with you would be totally awesome!

One thing though, I'm honestly very reluctant to come off anon so is there a way we could work that ala Nadhezhda von Meck ?

Additionally I can definitely understand doing fanfic just for enjoyment and not for work so if at any point you feel like it's becoming that and would like to pull out at any point I would be happy if you let me know as I'd hate to put any pressure/negative vibe into your life when I'm like surging with love for your fic over here. Finally re: how much the commission would hypothetically be; I wouldn't categorise myself as well off but I do have a little disposable income right now mostly thanks to covid and not having to spend outside which is why I was considering using it for something like this. So long as it doesn't go crazy it should be okay. In terms of exchange besides money if that makes you uncomfortable, I honestly don't know what you'd like but I'd definitely be willing to try making a fan art or fic to a criteria you set or something like that though I can't guarantee the quality.

This got long winded but essentially: really glad I didn't offend you, yes a commission/exchange would rock and I'd like to stay anonymous if at all possible.

No toes were stepped on!

I read Nadhezhda von Meck but interpreted it as sugar daddy with a mask. (I’m giggling to myself this is how I amuse myself in these trying times how is this life)

This is the new age where any sort of information can be found online with the smallest of things. I’ve already put myself at risk by posting my face, but there’s a reason I try to stay fairly ambiguous with regard to where I’m located, or other identifying information. You prefer anonymous? That’s actually wonderful. I essentially only have worked with individuals in the past if we could maintain a level of anonymity between us.

No negative vibe here! I do need to say that currently, I’m in graduate school for a medical profession, so my courses are a tad intense right now. That’s only so there is some degree of understanding that when I write, it may be nothing for a while and then an insane espresso fuelled nightmare in 5 hours straight. This is why I don’t work with beta’s either, they can’t endure this level of stress or calamity for months on end.

There are a few ways that some sort of exchange could happen. Amazon allows the option of a wishlist where other individuals may pay for an item to be sent to someone else but does not say who it is sent to (beyond the account name), the address, or the cost. This is (I believe) for Christmas so presents are a surprise. I can look more into it, but essentially I could just pop up some smaller things with different monetary values to it, then you just pick whatever correlates to what you’d like to pay, and at the end of the day, I get a nice pretty thing which I’d have purchased anyway for the same value. Similarly, giftcards could be purchased and sent to an email address (I have one for my fan account anyways), or we could totally figure something out.

Tumblr is a platform where, for me to respond to you, I need to post this on my dash. If you’d like, you can always create a “throwaway” account and send me messages to which I can respond personally.

Anyways! No worries! You’re precious and adorable and I want to stress this- make sure not to burden yourself in any way!

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dxmedstudent · 5 years

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Long hair, don’t care...

I always wanted long hair when I was younger, but it never seemed to happen. I only unlocked the secrets when laziness and burnout basically combined during my junior doctor years. I didn’t even realise my hair had grown pretty long until it was basically waist length. It turns out that if you want long hair, you need to do as little to your hair as possible. Be lazy. So lazy. This is not a remotely medically rigorous post, because we learn almost nothing about hair in med school. Blow drying is bad. Combing too much is bad. I learned recently that even washing and drying too vigorously is also bad. Tangling is bad. Basicaly everything you can do to your hair is... bad. Apparently you’re not meant to wash the hell out of the ends, because that just causes damage, and learning to be more gentle with my hair has made me feel a bit like a Princess, thiough alas one without an entourage to deal with my hair for me. The longer my hair is, the more I’ve focused my washing on the scalp and on finding ways to wash without hair getting too tangled because untangling it becomes exponentially more nightmareish the longer it is. It’s just practical to try to cut down tangling, but I only realised much later that it also avoids unnecessary damage, so it grows even longer. When my life got busier, I cut down on things like blow drying because who cared about that kind of thing any more? Sure, letting my hair air dry naturally just means I spend a lot of my evenings indulging in unintentional Hermione Granger cosplay, but hey. Hardressers also often recommend not washing hair too often, because it strips the natural oils and promotes hair getting over-greasy to compensate. Dying hair frequently, and treating hair is also, unsurprisingly damaging. I admire people who have funky hair colours and actually manage the upkeep (or don’t, because life is busy and that’s OK), but I could never do that, probably. I rarely dye my hair and don’t bleach it; I basically pick the colour most like my natural shade and cover the greys every few months when my roots have grown in to such a degree it can’t be hidden. I’d probably dye my hair a lot less if I wasn’t very very grey under there. One day I’ll want to grow it out, but that’s going to be hard, because I really am very grey, so growing it out will be noticeable unless I dye the whole thing grey first XD I’m in two minds about when to let my hair go natural; on one hand I love the idea of having hair like starlight, and I’m sure it will look striking. On the other, I’m not even 35 and I’m just not ready for my appearance to permanently alter so visibly in a way that would attract a lot of comment. Personally, I chose to keratin treat my hair, but only because it makes it easier to manage; the initial damage is offset by having hair that is much easier to brush, takes less time and effort to wash, and is much more manageable in general. It’s laziness in the longterm, and I think it’s probably helped keep my hair even longer. Less faffing around means less potential damage, or so the wealth of online hairdressers tell me. The only way it complicates things is requiring hair products that are sulfate and salt free to maintain the treatment for as long as possible. It can get a little complex, but I guess once you find a product that works, then it’s easy. I have to say that I hadn’t realised the importance of conditioner. Or just treating hair as gently as possible; who knew? When you have short hair, you can abuse your hair all you want, because it gets cut before it’s ‘old enough’ for it to really matter. Long hair stores up years’ worth of damage from life, which is why reading up on how to reduce damage is probably useful if you want long, nice hair. To be honest, this was not something I’ve cared about much; I never really had a beauty regime and was never intensive in my hair care; I had assumed that maybe I wasn’t doing enough. It turns out that doing as little as possible (in most respects) is actually what it’s all about. I’m no hair expert, so I recommend anyone getting serious about their hair does their own research, but having done some reading and realising that less is more pleases both my vanity and my laziness.

#personal #my life #long hair

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sodomyordeath · 4 years

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Queen of Drags

Finally the post many of you asked for since the show went into heavy promotion.

This is going to be long. To keep this from being too boring I decided to publish it in form of an ongoing conversation between myself and the one and only Chiara.

Me: So let’s start with the cast and the jury.

Chi: On the jury side we have Conchita Wurst.

Me: Guess we have to disclaimer this?

Chi: She’s our friend, She knows and loves Drag and is a talented and amazing performer. So disclaimer done.

Me: Next we have Bill Kaulitz.

Chi: Wasn’t he in some kinda child band?

Me: Yep Tokio Hotel, they are still around. he was also a judge on an music casting show back in the early 2010s.

Chi: Garbage music[1]?

Me: “Deutschland sucht den Superstar”. So nothing you or I would call music.

Chi: Right. Garbage music.

Me: And we have guest judges.

Chi: One per show right?

Me: Yea even in the final episode. They use a point system. Each of the for judges awards points. The highest number per episode is the number of contestants left.

Chi: The lowest is one or 0?

Me: Normal people start with one.

Chi: So decimal system than?

Me: Smartass.

Chi: I am smart and I have an amazing ass.

Me: No arguing with that.

Chi: So who are the guest judges?

Me: In order of appearance: Olivia Jones, Amanda Lepore, Leona Lewis, Pabllo Vittar, La Toya Jacksona and for the final Laganja Estranja

Chi: So 4 judges that know there shit and 2 professional singers. That’s a lot better than a typical Drag Race season.

Me: Yes and they actually do matter due to the point system they used.

Chi: So what do you expect from our 3 permanent judges?

Me: Obviously the best insights will come from Conchita and some of the guests. Bill will focus on overall performance aspects, stage placement, lip-sync etc. and Heidi... well looks and she brings the “girl at the drag bar” perspective.

Chi: Well we cheated here didn’t we?

Me: Yes because that was how it played out and Conchita felt like kind of the head judge the entire season but what we expected because of the pre show PR was Heidi dominating the show and giving us her model casting show 2.0.

Chi: Did Pro 7 fuck it up with the trailer where they framed Heidi as the head judge?

Me: Well at this point in time I don’t think they tried to provoke the backlash they got. They just tried to frame the show in a way so there usual audience sees someone they are familiar with.

Chi: So you don’t think the baited the queer community and press into a push back just to get the buzz going?

Me: You mean a PR campaign that would exploit a marginalized community to sell a commodity? That would by cynical!

Chi: ...

Me: Moving on. Let’s talk about the artists.

Chi: I honestly didn’t know much about any of ‘em.

Me: Not even your “home girl”?

Chi: Do I have to remind you that I’m from Zurich and Hayden Kryze is from Bern? Plus I wasn’t in Switzerland for an awful lot of time in the last 2 years.

Me: Right and she's rather young isn’t she?

Chi: 20

Chi: Speaking of age Catherrine Leclery is the oldest cast member with 48 and seems to be the one who’s in the business the longest, Hayden is the youngest.

Me: Hmm, what I noticed is that anyone but Catherrine is under 35.

Chi: I feel old now.

Me: I knew about the 3 Berlin girls but never worked with any of ‘em.

Chi: That’s Bambi Mercury a bearded queen not related to our friend Bambie the high priestess of gore. Candy Crash a funny bitch who paints her face on youtube and the “infamous” Katy Bähm.

Me: You know Candy had me when she renamed Katy into “Käthe Baum”

Chi: *lough crying* me to bitch!

Me: But really Candy is a miracle she managed to age 5 years since she was in a documentary in 2018

Chi: *sings* Forever Young, I want to be... forever..

Me: Still I like her and people I know, who worked with her, like her.

Chi: Too bad she doesn’t make wigs...

Me: *spills drink* *side eyes Chiara*

Me: Looks like we both are not turning into Käthe Baum fans any time soon.

Chi: I learned a saying from the southern United States “Bless her heart”

Me: Moving on. Janisha Jones.

Chi: We didn’t know her before the show

Me: But our good friend Ephe Drine knows her and as a Munich queen with spanish roots (like Ephe) she’s somewhat of my “home girl”.

Chi: We did run into her however and she’s a lovely person,an true artist by heart and a way better drag performer than it came across on the show.

Me: She sadly was the first one that went home but if you get a chance to see her. Do it. She doesn’t disappoint.

Chi: Next up is Samantha Gold.

Me: Oh yea our full figured Bar Queen from Hamburg with Austrian roots.

Chi: Old school drag. She was the second one out.

Me: She did sing live on episode one and her performance was...

Chi: ...not as strong as we would have expected from someone who does that for a living.

Me: Moving on.

Chi: Now my “home girl” Hayden Kryze.

Me: She’s young.

Chi: She sure has talent but it felt...

Me: Aimless and her performances where sloppy

Chi: Unpolished. She sure can move and the whole “I can be a manly man but also a hot drag queen” segment was...

Me: She’s young

Chi: Speaking of young Aria Addams.

Me: Not related to my drag daughter Wendy Addams

Chi: That we know of. I mean age wise she could be hers.

Me: And they sure have the same fire and undeniable talent.

Chi: She was the big one for me. She grew episode to episode was never afraid to try something new and wasn’t annoying. I’d love to work with her at some point.

Me: Speaking of people one wants to work with, Vava Vide.

Chi: I had no idea that there even was a drag scene in Stuttgart.

Me: There were 3 standouts in the cast when it comes to drag as visual performative art form, Vava Vide, Bambi Mercury and, to a lesser degree, Aria Addams.

Chi: I do agree but I would also include Janisha. Alas her time on the show was too short for her to really show it.

Me: We are missing one.

Chi: You clearly had a nap under the shade tree my love. You forgot Yoncé Banks, the first Queen of Drags.

Me: Oh you are right but I really forgot about her because, and that’s just me, her kind of pretty girl drag packaged with rather limited dance performances and the most questionable tuck since Jade Sotomayor on Drag Race season one is very very boring to me.

Chi: You never tuck.

Me: I don't do pretty girl drag so I don't have to.

Chi: ...

Me: Come on it’s not only the tuck it’s the fact that her tucker underwear was clearly visible ever single episode. Make sure that your stage outfits do fit kids.

Chi: So you don't agree with her winning?

Me: Well, and that once again is just me, she’s a one trick pony that never stepped out of her comfort zone in any meaningful way and she should have gone home for her Horror/Halloween performance.

Chi: You sound like Michelle Visage.

Me: Oh my dark lord you are right.

Chi: lol

Me: Anyway I would have loved to see Aria Addams win because from the top 3 she has the most potential and showed the most growth.

Chi: I have to admit for all the lip service production was paying to Drag as an art form during the season and even when the sent the other “pretty girl” Katy Bähm home over Bambi Mercury I had hope. Handing the win to the rather conventional Yoncé Banks felt like a let down.

Me: That’s what I’m saying. It felt like “We want a mainstream compatible winner for our sponsors.” and the medical problems Aria had sure helped create the perfect pretext to do just that.

Chi: My background is in marketing and the cynical voice in my head does agree with you but do we really want to know?

Me: Does it actually matter in the end? I think not. This show sure had it shortcomings but it managed to do 2 things. First it felt a lot more relaxed and “real” than Drag Race ever did. I loved it when they all went out partying. Second to give the German public an idea of how wide contemporary drag as an art form is.

Chi: On the competition side I liked the point system they used. I loved Conchita who was an amazing head judge and all the guests did really really well. Amanda Lepore is in deed one of the sweetest humans alive and Laganja Estranja is a grown up now.

Me: And she single-handedly gave a masterclass in how a dance focused Drag performance looks in 2019.

Me: There was a little too much crying for me and we never got into any depth about the problems we as a queer people face. Only this snippets with the “same old same, old” mainstream media always pulls when they talk about us.

Chi: That’s a narrative problem in wider media and the editing sure felt exploitative in some parts. Especially you as a long time activist pick up on such things almost intuitively.

Me: Yes it felt a little odd that Katy’s sob story had more screen time than real activists like Vava got and I absolutely loved it that Bambi refused to part take in the trauma navel gazing.

Chi: Oh yes Bambi had a couple of power moves in this season and I love the fact that she had the trans flag on stage with her in her opening performance.

Chi: Any last words?

Me: Aria Addams should have won the title. Candy Crush should have stayed longer and the top 3 should have been Aria Addams, Vava Vide & Bambi Mercury because I greatly enjoyed what they brought to the table.

Chi: I’m not mad that Yoncé Banks won but I’m underwhelmed by it. I want to put the focus a little on Catherrine Leclery[2]. She was never afraid to try something new and turning her Fairytale performance into a political statement about the rights of Indigenous people to a fucking Disney musical song was very very smart.

Me: Over all where do we stand?

Chi: Better than expected. The artistry was there the talent was there the presentation was fine for the most part. Going clubbing and having that spa night made this show more real and honest than all seasons of Drag Race combined.

Me: They did have a budget for the show and they used it well. For the future I hope they can get rid of some of this tired reality TV tropes like this fake and over exaggerated conflicts and keeping around contestants because they are a source of drama. I want to see the performances in full not this snippets that look like they’ve been edited by an hyperactive 10 year old who got his hands on 6 cans of red bull. Season 2 will show if it will evolve or turn into the usual shit show that passes as tv entertainment these days.

Chi: I fully agree.

Me: Congratulations to Yoncé Banks for being the first “Queen of Drags”

Chi: Congrats!

Picture: Martin Ehleben / ProSieben

Instructions: To get our voices right read her lines with a Swiss accent and mine with a Bavarian one.

Note: The content of the post is edited together from conversations Chiara and I had over the last couple of weeks since the Show started airing. I translated and rephrased when needed so she ends up sounding a bit like me at some points. I’m sorry about that.

[1] For those of you reading this and are not in the know we both are multi instrumentalists and vocalists with a spectrum from delta blues & early jazz all the way to technical death metal and post industrial

[2] She hails from Brazil with black and Indigenous roots

#queen of drags #reality tv #competition #casting show #germany #drag #pro 7 #2010s #2019 #conchita wurst #bill kaulitz #heidi klum

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heysawbones · 5 years

Text

Congratulations, Me; You’re Slow

Surprise, me! You’re literally slow. As in, your processing speed - the rate at which your brain takes in stimuli and makes sense of it - is below average. Quantitatively. The average is 100. Yours is 94.

Three years ago, I was given a cognitive battery. I’ve had an unusually high number of these in my life. Most people will never have even one. I’ve had four; one to assess for the Gifted and Talented program in kindergarten, one to reassess for the same when I changed school districts, one to assess for ADHD, and yet another, the latest, to assess for the same, as the prior records were lost. ADHD runs in my family, but I seem to have been one of those kids who compensated really, really well. Was I organized? Not even a little. Lose things? Constantly. I procrastinated like a motherfucker, too, but it was usually easy to make up the work in class before it was due. I would drive hard to complete the GT project-based assignments at the last minute, and always did fine. Better than fine, even. Sure, I used to obsessively braid yarn or draw in class, but nobody had any reason to suspect I would have issues with things like maintaining attention or executive function later on. If they did, I never heard about it. Even today, it’s not obvious; people associate a certain flightiness with ADHD and that isn’t me. People associate a lot of things with ADHD that aren’t me. This has been so much of an issue, in fact, that despite meeting diagnostic criteria over and over, as admitted by clinicians, people have been hesitant to give me the diagnosis. The argument deployed tends to be: you have all the symptoms, but you also have chronic depression, which has the same symptoms, so we’ll just go with that one. The underlying rationale, the unspoken answer to “why can’t it be both? they often co-occur” seems to be: you are too articulate and self-aware to have ADHD. It boils down to you’re too smart to be slow.

This is unfair to me, and demonstrably untrue, besides. I recognized this long ago. I am the one who has to figure out some way to compensate for the symptoms. Yes, the symptoms of depression and ADHD overlap (especially if you are depressed for a long time), but the treatment of those symptoms is not the same. I have been in treatment for depression for over ten years. Am I better than I was? Unquestionably so.

Do I function at a level sustainable for an adult not on disability? Can I get places on time? Can I catch a plane without showing up 14 hours early, lest I show up 14 hours late, or at the wrong airport entirely, instead? Do I remember things people told me yesterday? Can I go to Target without the possibility of getting caught up in a weird cognitive trap where I want bananas, but am too guilty to buy them unless I do the rest of my grocery shopping, which I don’t have the mental energy for? Do I remember enough of my meds when I go on trips? Can I stop persistently putting things in places that make no sense, and then having no idea that I’ve done it 15 seconds later? Can I manage an adult’s schedule? Can I remember to pay bills on time? Can I remember what I’ve spent money on in the last week? Can I remember what I ate this morning? Can I hold down a job that is, honestly, below my abilities in many ways?

The answer is, of course, sometimes yes. Distressingly frequently, it is no. Where travel is concerned, it is always no, and somehow, I have managed to show up at the wrong airport entirely more than once.

Yes, I recognize that these are problems all people have, to some degree, at some time in their lives. If people are willing to act on the belief that I am too smart to be slow, why is it that when I account for my concerns and attempt to articulate the impact they have on my life, I am suddenly not self-aware anymore, and am only overreacting to what obviously MUST be the same degree of these problems that other reasonable adults experience? Why am I credible in other areas, but not this one? If I am so smart, why is it assumed that I’ve failed to account for my own emotional bias when gauging the difficulty I am experiencing? Why is it more satisfying to assume that I am not trying hard enough, then it is to accept that a smart, self-aware person may, in fact, have some kind of Brain Problem that, really, there is no logical contraindication to, and much evidence, for? When I do the responsible thing and insistently pursue all reasonable options to address my mental and neurological health, with the goal of being a functional contributor to society, why is this so persistently reduced to a fetish specifically for an ADHD diagnosis? I’m smart when it’s convenient for others, but not when it comes to the ability to draw cause and effect relationships from my own behavior, and make comparisons between those and the behavior of others? If I got treatment that worked, I wouldn’t care what the diagnosis was. Come the fuck on. I’m tired of this.

-----

Anyway. I sat down with the results of that three-year-old cognitive battery. I’ve read the summary before; it’s peppered with lines like

“There is also considerable other evidence in this testing consistent with a diagnosis of ADHD”

“In my experience, some individuals who are very bright are able to compensate for some of their disability”

“this distribution of index scores is very typical of individuals with ADHD”

“Many of the behaviors she describes are certainly typical of individuals who suffer from ADHD. Unfortunately, the coexisting history of chronic major depression and PTSD make that differential diagnosis based on history alone difficult”

When I first read that last year, I was shocked because the therapist who requested the cognitive battery, only expressed surprise that I was “very smart” and said that my “scores were fine.” When I later confronted him after having read the summary myself, he merely admitted that some of my scores were “lower than others”. He never entertained the possibility that I had ADHD, which in an of itself, wouldn’t have been a problem if he’d been willing to just try the treatments for it, since clearly the two industrial-strength doses of antidepressants I was already on, were not cutting it. Alas, he was not, and it wasn’t until after he retired that the issue was addressed again.

Surprisingly, I was not the person who addressed it. When my therapist-MD retired, I needed at least a primary care provider to manage my medications. Since the appointment was for psych med management, I had to fill out a bunch of related intake forms - you likely know the kind. While looking them over, my new doctor peered up at me and asked, “Has anybody ever suggested that you might have ADHD?” I was taken aback by the question and wasn’t sure where to start. Them? Asking me? if I have ADHD? She asked me?

I told her that I’d had two full cognitive batteries done, and that both of them concluded roughly the same thing: yes, all the symptoms are there, no, we do not know if it’s ADHD because there’s too much background noise from other psych issues. Without skipping a beat, she said the most amazing thing to me:

Well, whatever it is, you have the symptoms, so let’s treat them.

God. Why didn’t someone say that years ago? Diagnoses are human constructs; we use them to group symptoms that tend to occur together, when they’re thought to have the same causes. Depression and ADHD have many (but not all) of the same symptoms, but the overlap doesn’t qualify as a diagnosis because the causes are assumed to be different. I think we often forget that diagnoses are containers for commonalities that we use to make talking about medicine easier, not necessarily biological phenomena unto themselves. If you remember that they are containers - a sort of conceptual shorthand - then it follows that if one treatment for a set of symptoms isn’t solving the problem, you ought to try a different treatment often used for the same symptoms, even if the minutiae of diagnosis means you aren’t sure you can apply the diagnosis typically associated with that second treatment*.

I am now on Vyvanse. Does it magically solve my problems? No. Does it help? Yes. I am in a much better position to actually address the bad habits and coping mechanisms someone like me builds up over the years. The notable insomnia should wear off over time, and besides, as a person with an existing sleep disorder, having fucked up sleep isn’t new. It’s a price I’m willing to pay.

-----

Anyway. So I sat down with the results of that three-year-old cognitive battery, because I had to dig them up for my new therapist. Instead of reading the summary, I dug into the raw numbers: the related tests are the Weschler Adult Intelligence Scale IV (WAIS-IV), and the Weschler Memory Scale III (WMS-III). I couldn’t find sufficient guidance on interpreting the WMS-III, so I’ll stick with the WAIS-IV scores:

At first inspection, these scores do look “fine”. Anything within 10 points of 100 in either direction qualifies as “average”, even if 100 is “the average”. But on further reading, both in the summary and out:

-Examination of these results reveals considerable significant variability between various functional capacities, with VCI of 141 a full 3 standard deviations above PSI of 94.** Problems with both working memory and processing speed impacted her overall IQ considerably, bringing her Full Scale IQ down to 120 (from 133).

-A significant difference among subtest scores can suggest a problem in the particular skill being tested; this might underlie a learning disability. A significant difference among standard Index Scores might also indicate a learning disability, ADHD

-when I see a difference in IQ scores such that the verbal and nonverbal scores are far superior to the processing speed score, I try to discern what could be causing the discrepancy.

-LD diagnoses are also reliant on score discrepancies. On the WAIS, a gifted individual with ADHD may look like this.

Verbal comprehension - 132

Perceptual Reasoning - 129

Processing Speed - 97

Working memory - 101

Absolute scores aren’t the only diagnostic tool. Relative scores are also important. For example, average scores across the board wouldn’t be indicative of a working memory or processing speed issue, whereas great discrepancies between those parameters and others, is - even if the working memory and processing speed scores themselves are the same in both examples. What I’m saying is, it’s right there. It’s in the numbers. There’s no wiggle room. My old therapist saw these numbers, and not only did he choose not to act on the information, he pointedly refused to do so. If he hadn’t retired, I’d look into suing for malpractice. It’s in the god damn numbers, my dude. I don’t care what you want to call it, the deficit is right. there.

What did I ever do to him? Did he just... not believe ADHD is real? More to the point, did he think I somehow, without knowing the ins and outs of the WAIS-IV, faked the deficits or something? Really, guy, what the hell?

-----

Do I feel bad about being slow? Honestly, no. I might have if I found this out 10 years ago, or in circumstances wherein that reality didn’t perfectly explain aspects of my experience that other people have been prone to downplay, or dismiss entirely. Instead, it’s the closest I can get to scientific verification that I’m not just losing my shit over nothing over here; that something has, in fact, gone awry, and may always have been awry. I couldn’t compensate forever (though the ways I’ve done it are many, and in retrospect, interesting) and now I’m on the other end of it, trying to rebuild. I am, as I like to say, building an exoskeleton - something that will hold me up when my brain insists on faceplanting. I’m just grateful there’s someone out there who isn’t too caught up in the semantic navel-gazing of diagnosis, to help.

*There are obvious exceptions here, such as when the two diagnoses have causes whose treatment is contraindicated in the other diagnosis. This is not the case with depression and ADHD.

** You see that Percentile Rank of 34? That means I performed better than 34 percent of people my age, at least according to the test sample. That’s. Not great.

#blah blah blah #twice exceptional #ADHD #depression #mental health

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chanheesbf-blog · 5 years

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ofsurviiving · 6 years

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— ✧ ADRIA ARJONA ?? no, that’s just SIENNA LOREN THOMPKINS !! she’s the TWENTY SEVEN year old daughter of ALFRED PENNYWORTH & LESLIE THOMPKINS, and a member of CAMPUS SECURITY at paragon, bartender at JOHNNY’S BAR and aspiring PRIVATE INVESTIGATOR. i hear she’s INGENIOUS & LIONHEARTED, but tends to be HEADSTRONG & DETACHED. her file says that her power is ENHANCED CONDITION. her stats page is HERE. her pinterest board is HERE.

the sun will RISE and WE will try again

SECTION ONE OF THREE: BULLET POINT HISTORY trigger warnings for talk of death throughout, funerals, miscarriage, infant death & postpartum depression

sienna loren thompkins was born in pretoria, south africa, twenty seven ( soon to be twenty eight ) years ago to dr leslie maurin thompkins, a ( at the time ) disgraced nurse, and alfred pennyworth - much beloved butler and valet to bruce wayne.

for much of her early life, sienna wasn't aware of who her father was, due to the way in which her mother's most recent fling with him had ended - when she fled from gotham to africa following stephanie brown's supposed death, which she had orchestrated. sia was raised solely by her mother in a village a few hundred miles west of the city, the two sometimes traveling abroad together when required by lee's job, but never spending too much time away ( and never spending any at all, in america ).

her earliest memories are of helping people. lee did the best that she could with what she had, working from a tiny and outdated medical practice, helping the many who came from their village and beyond - and little sia was forever at her side. spending her free time in the practice with her mom and being homeschooled for the entire first decade of her life, sia learned from the very best - and she saw her life as a sort of blessing. she didn't dwell on the things she didn't have, like money or status or a father. she, like lee, made the most of what she DID have, and she came to view her mother as a sort of hero. after all - not many people were so willing to help the misfortunate.

she was thirteen years old, when lee received word that she could finally return to gotham city. the news came from alfred, who traveled all the way to the village just to let her know - and imagine his surprise, when little sienna thompkins was who welcomed him first. lee had never told him about her. it wasn't out of spite, or anything negative - alfred's whole life had been dedicated to bruce, and his focus was one track minded, and lee had never wanted to talk away from that by telling him he had a child growing up half the world away. she didn't try to lie - she didn't say sia was someone elses, or that she wasn't even hers. she told him, that evening, and told sia too - and a week later, all three of them boarded a plane back to gotham city. lee began the process of finding herself an apartment in her hometown and a small building out of which she could operate a medical practice, to boot. sienna was entrusted to her father. it was equal parts wanting sia to have somewhere to live while things were up in the air for lee, and wanting her to finally get to know alfred pennyworth.

they had gotten along incredibly well, for the week they had known each other in africa. sienna had showed him all her photographs and accomplishments, and he had told her as much as he felt appropriate for a thirteen year old to know about his life. but speaking with one another and learning each others personalities and habits and things was entirely different to being thrown in the deep end and living with one another - and it didn't really help that the wayne family was quite as large. sienna would barely speak a word to anyone who wasn't alfred. she was as intimidated by them all simply as people, as she was scared that they would think her strange or foreign, and be far from welcoming, as he'd promised.

months went by, and sia remained ever fearful of the people she was now surrounded by - and when her mother finally opened up her new practice, she thought that meant she could return to her comfort zone and go back to living with her full time. ALAS, lee was more swamped in gotham city than she had ever been in africa. gotham was huge and troubled. nothing like she, or sia for that matter, had grown accustomed to. she worked sixteen hour days, only catching some sleep above the practice before returning once again - and she wished it could have been different, sia could tell as much from her expression when she sat her down to break the news, but she NEEDED to keep doing good. she couldn't cut her work in half. gotham needed her. sia did, too, but she had alfred now - and lee thought it would be incredibly good for her to continue living with him, and continue down the road of accepting him as her father.

now, things were different. sia had remained at a distance to those around her because in a way, she had imagined that she would someday soon get to go HOME. now, wayne manner was her home - and things weren't going to change any time soon, so she knew she had to get used to it. she opened up. she HAD to - and boy, is she both happy and sad that she did.

at fifteen, following a rollarcoaster of a few years, sienna became batgirl alongside fabian todd's robin. it was a PRETTY BIG thing - and it drove a VERY big wedge between her and her mother, though their relationship had started suffering right around the time that lee had taken sia back to gotham. alfred was difficult to get around, but sia, born and raised to take care of people, made a very convincing ( if not just downright impossible to dissuade ) argument - he accepted it because he didn't have much of a choice in the matter. lee, on the other hand, forever against bruce's inclincation to put kids on the street in masks, HATED the idea of her only daughter joining the roster. their contact ended the day sienna told her, but she didn't stop being batgirl. in fact - even now - being batgirl was the only thing that sia ever really felt that she had done RIGHT.

fabian was, at this point, the BEST friend that sia had. working alongside them to clean up gotham felt good, it felt right, and she would be lying if she said that the adrenaline rush wasn't ANOTHER huge appeal. coming from a background of doing good wherever she could, helping to do good in gotham came naturally - though she was, as a teen who was only now coming into herself confidence wise, a little reckless. they were without a doubt the HAPPIEST days of her life - and certainly the ones where she felt as if she was doing the most good.

and then, fabian died. it was sudden, and it was the first of a series of heartbreaks that sia would face. she had never LOST anyone before - at least, not someone who she cared for - and the day they died, she really did lose a small part of herself that even after their return, never came back. sia couldn't face the funeral. she couldn't carry on as batgirl, either - not without her robin. it was a sad, sad situation, and it's never fully been remedied.

sia threw herself into her studies as way of dealing with giving up the batgirl mantle, and that, as they say, was that. it's maybe the perfect time to say that gotham academy - the school alfred had enrolled her in and the school she hadn't much cared for, until then - was never anything more than a distraction for her, but still, she graduated, and she did it with a weighted 4.9 gpa. she was smart. he wasn't ever behind, despite being a vigilante for a lot of her time there and despite missing out on a great many years of formal and conventional education. she took everything that was ever thrown at her in her stride, and she managed to do it making friends along the way, too. she graduated, moved out of wayne manor, and got three jobs right off the bat in downtown gotham - selling books in a local bookstore for half the week, waitressing in a local diner every evening, and serving drinks in a hip nightclub every weekend night. she was saving her money. she was getting somewhere, on her own. and she was working on getting to HAPPY - something that had, for a time, seemed beyond her.

she was in love, too. quin was her first SERIOUS love, before she ever even knew about it. they had met at gotham academy, but it wasn't until after the relationship he had been embroiled in had come to an end that they got involved on and off, continuing that way for a while until she got pregnant. of course, she was scared - UNBELIEVABLY SO - but she wanted the baby ( it wouldn't be inaccurate to say she wanted something to dedicate her life to, again ), and she would have given it the most amazing of lives if she hadn't miscarried. that was the second of her major heartbreaks. sia was DEVASTATED, and without quin...- god, she wouldn't have survived. but they got through it, they got more serious, they put an official label on themselves, and the tragedy of their loss brought them together.

and it also brought her back to her mother. in the days following her miscarriage, before she and quin had really become each others crutch, she visited her mother and began confiding in her once again. it was difficult. it would always be. but they were back in contact, and they kept in touch - even if they both found it difficult to be in the same room as one another.

she followed quin to paragon, choosing to apply and work on a law degree. she said it was what she wanted, and in a way, it was - but being a lawyer would never match being batgirl. she was always unsatisfied. it wasn't until she'd achieved her bachelors and realized that she could go on and become a COP that sia felt like she was getting a little bit closer to the dream she had once lived.

and then, she fell pregnant again. this time, they didn't tell anyone until they were out of the danger zone. she didn't get attached until she saw the three little heartbeats on the monitor at the hospital three weeks in a row. she didn't call them anything other than beans one two and three until she was five months in. but once she'd opened her heart to them, trusted they they would survive... sia loved the babies more than she had ever loved anything, before. i said that quin was her first serious love - but they were her second, most important, and YES - finally, she had reached happy. she had her fiance. she had three strong babies on the way. she was going to take a break and then return to work on being a cop, someday, and she was going to do GOOD in the world in the kind of way that sh wished that she could again -

then the attack happened. quin died. he died saving her, and their unborn babies, and it was all for nought in the end anyway because she was INJURED, badly - at the hospital her nearest and dearest were informed that she would require an emergency c-section if the babies were to survive. lillian and quinten james lived, brought into the world hours after quin had exited it - but complications had arose, and injuries she had sustained had not only left sia in a touch and go position, but had resulted in them losing IRIS. in under a few hours she had lost the love of her life and one of their babies. these were the heartbreaks that sia didn't think she would survive.

a part of her wished that she had parted from this world, instead of living through the trauma. sienna required a massive blood transfusion following her surgeries, and alfred himself was the donor - but when she awoke, she wished he hadn't been so quick to volunteer. she survived. two of their babies survived. but she had lost quin, and lost their daughter, and she lost herself, too.

she was already a non-presence in the twins life when quin came back to life. they called it postpartum depression - she couldn't stand being too involved with them, wasn't connecting with them, on any sort of level. she had pushed everyone including her babies away, leaving them to be raised by everyone around her while her mother tried to break through the fog that had come down over her - and then quin came back.

and she was scared.

over the short time that quin had been gone, she had made some truly questionable decisions. she had hurt people who she felt had hurt him. she had abandoned their kids when they needed her most. she had been far from a stand up mother and far from a pillar of strength, consumed by her own aching sadness and need for petty revenge - and now he was back, but he was different, and he wasn't HER QUIN, and he was alive but he had still been MURDERED, and -

it was a lot. too much. she didn't know how to react to him, and she didn't feel as if she had ever been present in their lives to affect the twins if she left, and... though she was ashamed to say, she RAN.. it was far from her proudest moment.

and now she's back. slightly better adjusted, still seeking revenge for... she doesn't even know what, anymore. she's trying to realign who she was with who she's become, and distance has certainly given her perspective. the only people who matter to her ( REALLY matter ) are lillian and quinten james. they're HER WORLD. she wants to do right by them - and she intends to, too.

SECTION TWO OF THREE: FACTS

she’s been living her for fourteen years, almost, but sia STILL has a fairly strong south african accent. she was born and spent all her formative years there, so it makes sense.

sia’s good at heart. she always was. she has a good heart, and when it’s working right, a strong moral compass. she’s always wanted to save the world and the people in it ( call her lee’s daughter ), and all she’s ever done has been to meet those goals - but she has this rage within her that doesn’t lineup with who she’s always been, and that scares her - the need for revenge, even though quin’s alive again, consumes her, and sometimes she wonders if she really should have come back at all. the time she’s spent away has been spent at the sides of people who can help her be who she used to be, training, learning, watching - trying to relearn control she once had, though its hard to tell if she really has any, anymore.

sia has dropped the dream of being a cop. she doesn’t know whether that classic idea of justice that she always believed in before is what she believes in now - and while she’s pursuing the biblical sort of justice, she doesn’t think it’s ok to continue trying to be a law enforcement official. she does love the idea of private investigating, though, and feels it would allow her to be closer to who she was once as batgirl while also following her heart, now, and... who knows! it’s something she rly wants, anyway

SECTION THREE OF THREE: WANTED CONNECTIONS

FRIENDS !!! sia’s always been friendly, and i want her to have some friends that she maybe made at gotham academy, or also maybe made at paragon. i’m also open to ones she made while she was still traveling with her mom, because i feel as if she would have run into a lot of different people while she was.

EXES LMAO !! quin was her first serious love but that doesn’t mean she hasn’t had people before him, who put her on the path to actual love. good exes, bad exes… who cares i just lov an ex!!

ROOMMATE !! i don’t think that sia could realistically afford a place to live on her own, even working the two/threeish jobs she’s working - i’d lov for her to have someone she lives with, so hmu for that roommate connect zoe lawton !!

this isnt my best idea but could someone out there pls just . give her a pep talk abt being a mom. she loves her kids and would straight up die for them but there’s no way in hell she considers herself a good mother, or even the kind of mother they should have in their lives right now

#sidekick.intro #this is all .. so much #rly #mentions of death cw #funeral cw #miscarriage cw #infant death cw #postpartum depression cw #「･ﾟ ❖ ･ * she wasn't born to be soft ― sienna loren thompkins. 」

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