#after all the work ive done to get here

[boyswanna-be-her]

My mom told me to get a real job today and that's not even the shittiest thing she's said or done this evening so you can imagine things are going cool and normal with us

#she hates that im dating someone and is acting like a child #her 38 year old child might not die alone and she hates that #she wants me to be alone until she dies #im not joking she is being so so hateful #i am incredibly shocked that she isnt happy for me at all #after all the work ive done to get here #but thats on me that im surprised #there was no reason for me to assume she had changed #i find it literally horrific that a parent would prefer their only child be completely alone #like that thought is the plot of horror movies #the shit she pulled on us tonight... hurts so bad i am not even ok w sharing it #which is wild bc i put everything here when i need to vent #but this was next level and idk what to do

[rearranging-deck-chairs]

sigh

#i think the universe is playing a prank on me here #that at age 14 i went #'rip to rose but i would never fall in love with the doctor could never be me' #and then to be faced with 13 and the realisation that rip to rose but im not different #and then and THEN #they put this fucker back in there so now im #here #like #ive done my best for my lesbianisms #ive put work into my lesbian tendencies alright #not a lesbian but i believe in their beliefs deeply #so like excuse me mr tennant but you cant just get back in here and have me googling #your fucking eye colour #just bc im that far gone for the thIRTEENTH doctor #thirteen. alright. hear me? mr tennant. thirteen. #its brown btw #which is great for the sentence i was about to write but thats really my only win here #deep deep sigh #i dont even like him! #likewith all due respect it wasnt mr wet sad puppy eyes who had me looking up the kinsey scale at 2 in the morning after the giggle alright #im hijacking his whole noble-temple-doctor happy ending just to write more thasmin and yET #yet i find myself #here. googling david tennants eye colour #we find ways to keep struggling on dont we #hes not that special!!!!!

[orcelito]

Thinking about using the journal I got for writing my dad's eulogy for trying to process my grief with it. The letter from me I found in his lockbox is still in that front sleeve, along with one of the memorial folders they had at the funeral.

I think I don't want to write it all on here. I think I've talked about my emotions too much as of late.

#speculation nation #negative/ #kind of. i guess. #the thing about grief is that it really just never ends. #so im done with the funeral. the time is over. here i am. hes dead. im alive. time to move on. #but it's not that simple. of course it's not. #but would my followers who followed me just for my writing even Care? #honestly surprised i havent lost more followers. or any? idk i havent been paying much attention to numbers #but i know it hasnt really gone down much if at all #i just feel. like im not the person that people initially followed. #and i dont know when im going to be that person again. #there's no enthusing here. anytime im making text posts it's about The Situation. #i wonder how evident my grief is to you all. i feel it in my every breath. #i havent been working yet i feel weak. it's hard to feel much at all. #either im existing and im helping with packing or im crying again bc i remembered my dad cant help me pick out a car now #(in the Vaguely In The Future me buying a used car idea. for after i get my license. whenever that is.) #or im crying bc of jackets or colognes or a letter in a lockbox or a stupid minions hat picture in a too-big frame #or laughing bc Dad In A Bag (his ashes are downstairs. im far too unbothered by their presence) #ive been having an... okay time. we watched Dune today and i started building a lego set. it was nice. #but im only ever Okay. emotions hard to access. interests certainly not accessible. #making it hard to be creative at all. im literally only going through the motions here. #theres no heart. i left it behind when i got that 2 am call and had to rush to the hospital to watch my dad die. #i left it behind when i touched his cold arm for the last time. when i walked out of that room & knew id never see him again. #i know a week is still far too soon to be over it. but im sick of feeling this way. #it still doesnt feel real. feels like im following the bad end route just to see. i should still be able to reload my past save. #but this is my life now. forever until the end. out of nowhere hes dead and hes never coming back #and it's just really fucking hard to care about just about Anything else right now. #i prommy im gonna use the journal next time i get the urge to vent about this. im sick of this crap too.

[suffarustuffaru]

i just. remembered again that i have a fembaru fic but also the premise is. Very Messed Up hah and also it was written before the canon genderbent au with its official genderbend names for everyone so its also outdated on top of that T^T i had like. Genderqueer subtext going on too. but i also wrote this fic like almost two years ago and havent touched it in forever so im unsure if i should go back to it…. o.o but i would love to finish it one day if only for my own satisfaction hah… i had a very detailed outline for ch 2 (its a twoshot) and several scenes written already anyway!! (and also i would probably update those names, make minor edits, etc etc hmm…)

#just thinking about this wip again………… mmmm….. not super confident in my older ao3 fics but the premise for this one was like. i think i #ended up brainstorming it with a friend or two and then i was like wait holy shit howd this play out. and then i took about two weeks to #write ch1? :o #and then i like. REALLY got into revolutionary girl utena after finishing ch1 so like that def bled into um. the themes. #just. thimking…….. bc ive had so many ideas to explore like. themes regarding gender and misogyny and Choice and destiny and queerness and #all sorts of things….. bc rezero Touches on them and is even Detailed on them sometimes and id Love to go in depth. but im also a bit #nervous to bc 1. writing fic is….. so much work sometimes fr and i am but a lazy writer and 2. the slight anxiety of what if i get flamed #o.o wild to think about….. #like. i have ideas for emilia fics that are. definitely darker maybe a bit controversial but i will go off the walls with writing for the #sake of answering the questions of. can this be done. and is it possible to narratively critique canon and fandom treatment of emilia. that #sort of thing. #not that im the best writer ever akdbdnd but i do like darker fiction sometimes. and i also like being meta about things in fiction. and i #also like writing to get out a tiny bit of salt. etc etc. #i tried to write these kinds of thinngs with my atm sole emilia centric fic that i wrote. uhhh more than a year ago? and i would love to try #again one day bc ive def improved and changed as a writer since then. u know what i mean?? :o #just like. rezero and queerness is very interesting to me. #suffaru post #saving this on the blog bc i talked Too Much about my writing process here HAH #my writing process being: HOW FAR CAN I TAKE THIS IDEA AND HOW OFF THE WALLS CAN IT GET???? #in reality tho im really just a massive nerd whos gone down a massive rabbit hole of writing anime fanfic. 😭😭😭😭😭🙏🙏 #if you actually read all these tags big thank you HAH

[stupid-dyke]

stayed up til 3 when I have an 8am again. I do this because I hate myself so sos sososososososososo much. It's really funny because I don;t fall asleep in class thanks to my meds but I've noticed every time I go to class after 4 hrs sleep people act weird around me which is how I know im acting really weird. And I am so extremely angry at myself. I spent 4 hours. well 8 hours. Well all day. Pretending I'm going to do homework and distracting myself with various other things on my laptop or crying on the phone to my parents. Got zerooooo work done at all i stayed up most of the nihght for literally no gain whatsoever this is pure self harm. Which I do becauase again I hate myself. Because I didn't do my work. Which i won't do tomorrow either because i'll be so tired I wont be able to string a sentence together even though I'm supposed to give a presentation haha. My favorite activity is staring at the clock on my laptop getting later and later and later. new high score etc. Who's a hypersomniac now. Imagine how much easier this semester would have been if I'd gone to bed before 2am ever. I'm so fucking angry at myself I'm not sure I'll be able to sleep now even. If I fail my classes again my parents are gonna make me live at home forever and say im too crazy to live on my own. I know I was supposed to get a therapist but I hate them all so, so, so much. I think people get that job bc they feel powerful telling some pathetic person what to do knowing I literally cannot do it and will come back week after week admittingn failure and paying

I know I was supposed to take the new experimental FDA approved drug for IH but the list of side effects is fucking terrifying and I live and sleep alone so i really don't want to take a super powerful sedative that can make you stop breathing. So I'm gonna keep taking stimualnts and lying to myself that today is the last day I stay up extremely late for no reason.

#it's really sad I'll skip the meds sometimes to try to sleep and it doesn't even help. I just feel worse while awake. #The real reason i can't sleep is because im screwing myself over by doing no work and im terrified im going to fail my fucking classes #and theyre all going to say im crazy if I fail my classes. theyre going to say im crazy and I self sabotaged on purpose #bc i dont want to succeed. Dad says that every day #Dad loves telling me everytjhing wrong with me multiple times a day every day so i never ever forget #hes so helpful. He's trying so hard to help. If i dont answer the phone he starts worrying ive committed suicide #again i was suicidal one week in 2019. Get the fuck over it. You've literally threatened to kill yourself multiple times. Fucking hypocrite #a bunch of my friends are going to graduate this semester and best case scenario i graudate next semester and then I'll lose touch with eve #ybody #and then the good times are over and life is boring and hell forever and ill get more disabled every year until I can't work and then I'll #run out of money and die #you know when I talked to my genetics professor about the alzheimer's results he said somethign will kill you eventually and it #wont be that unless you live to old age which will be good! #so true bestie. so ture #Guys lets be real here. Why the fuck. Do we live. why. It is so goddamn hard. Maybe it;s easy when u get sleep . But that hasn't happened t #me for a while #all my classes end next week and i havent done most assignments since spring break #also over spring break my parents met w a lawyer to revise their will adn afterwards dad told me im executor and explained to me what will #happen after each person in my family dies. #the assumption is that I will outlive everyone. they don't think my sister will live to old age adn they are already old #the lawyer apparently has clients with the same disability as me and all of them had the same thing happen. Once they get another disabilit #and get older it becomes impossible to manage IH and they cant work til retirement age #i just spent an hour typing this shit instead of sleeping. 4am-730am sleep lets go. I should kill myself #i hate my parents fucking advicce bc they;; be like well when i was ur age I was married it sure must suck to be single!!!! fuck you guys f

[hella1975]

bagged a trial shift at a new pub just for my manager to immediately put on facebook if anyone wants an extra shift on wednesday. he knows what im doing

#he said GET YOUR ASS BACK HERE RN #lmfaoooo the notif came through literally as i put the phone down i was like 😳😳😳 #like that 'CONNOR' tiktok audio like no king im not doing anythinggg haha wdym #anyway im a bit annoyed that the first place to get back to me from my applications was this one #bc im pretty sure their pay is still minimum wage and also my cousin worked a trial shift there once #and not only did they not pay him but they also never called him back or even emailed to politely turn him down #literally just used him for free labour and that was that #word of warning from a very tired waitress if ur thinking about starting: always take trial shifts with a pinch of salt #if the trial shift is longer than 2 hours they really really should be paying you and if they dont the odds are you got mugged off #also the woman on the phone after i said i worked at the place i currently work at was like 'and do you still work there?' SHE KNOWS #and when i said yes she was like 'would you be willing to leave?' HOW CAN I BE TWO-TIMING BOTH OF YOU RN #LYING TO ONE JOB ABOUT SEEKING ANOTHER JOB LYING TO THE NEW JOB ABOUT LEAVING THE OLD ONE COME ON NOW #IM NOT BUILT FOR THESE LAYERS #but yeah summary here is i have a shift at my actual place on wednesday (thank god i havent had work in over a fucking WEEK) #and i have a trial shift at a new place where i'll most likely be offered a job. life is picking up #ALSO i have enough money to change my america flights bc basically something came up with that and i need to change my return flight #and i was originally rlly worried bc the change cost was £161 and that piled onto my current no-shifts stress was Not Fun #but ive been working a lot for my mum and i got paid for the shifts i HAVE done and it all kinda fell together anyway #the way everything is sorting itself today within the same HOUR yet ive been stressing about these things for days now #hella goes home #hella slaves to capitalism

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

#i have to drive to the big city tomorrow morning... which is... #itll b fine. ive done it multiple times before so itll b fine #but also everytime i have to drive somewhere im a sobbing mess bc its so scary #and i space out which is terrifying so i have to sing and talk to myself the whole time so my brain doesnt drift too far #and i dont kno how long i have to b there or if ill b able to find parking... #i just hate is so much. literally its not a far trip. if we have a fucking working train system there would b a train between our two #universities and it would b like 30min. such fucking bullshit. that would b incredible. i would actually b able to go places #fuck the lack of public train transportation. its stupid. #at least i was busy all day. its crazy how much less terrible my day is when im in a semi empty lab working with algae #hopefully i didnt kill the culture bc i had to transfer immediately after making media. i think it cooled enough but well see #fuck. i dont wanna drive. i should sleep so im not more insane tomorrow #its crazy how distorted i get abt driving. i will convince myself that my car is gonna like fall apart while im driving #and that im absolutely going to have an accident caused by me. so i get up like ok this is where it all ends #in a smear across the highway #oh god i have to get gas tomorrow too #thry recommended i get there at 9 but maybe ill get there 8.30 and just like sit in my car crying for half an hour #lol i turn up to the lab with tear stained cheeks like hey sorry if it seemed like i was resistant to coming down here. im very unwell ✌️ #bleh. lets not think abt it. dont think just do. and pray i dont have to fucking go multiple days #my reward for success is no spring break bc a stressful project will begin this weekend #but im not even sure i have spring break bc im a lab tech so i think mayne thats not a loss? idk i dont kno #when im supposed to b working or not. it doesnt matter. my tine sheets r a lie #time sheets :-P #unrelated

[pepprs]

also (this is it i promise) this is why i am so INSANELY excited to have my own room soon. like omg. it is definitely not perfect bc it’s at home and there’s a breaker box in it and you can hear footsteps really loud through the ceiling and also again *it’s at home* when i really need to not be living at home. but the quality of life improvement i am about to have is actually INSANE. i will be able to have a space far away from everyone else where i can sing without bothering anyone and play piano and decorate it (mostly) to my liking and have a desk and draw and paint and do whatever. finally!!!!!!!! that is going to fix me!!!!!

#purrs #i just wish it was permanent or that i had more years to spend in it. like i actually just want to find the place where i will live forever #and just stay there bc oh my GOD am i tired of living in places temporarily. i have so many issues w that bc so many spaces that were #formative for me have been destroyed (e.g. the van 😍😍😍😍 and my grandparents house 😍😍😍😍 and my favorite hs teachers classroom 😍😍😍😍) or are #going to be destroyed (e.g. the office where i work rn 😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍) or ive had to leave them and move out bc they’re inherently temporary (e.g. #my on campus room 😍😍😍😍 and my room in brighton 😍😍😍😍😍😍). and ive had attachment issues w space / location : whatever my whole life like i wou #would have huge meltdowns whenever we were transitioning from like elementary school to middle school middle school to high school etc etc.. #so i really just um. would like permanence and stability please. im 24. im done w school for now and maybe forever. i want to find a place w #where i can just like.. stay. so if im paying rent like something that would allow me to renew it indefinitely and not fear bei ng kicked #out randomly or at the end of a determined period. i just want a home lol i want a homeeeee and i want to decorate it with all my things and #never be afraid that i will lose it and get to stay there forever and ever or at least as long as i want. bc my parents already have plans f #for my new room after i move out and i won’t get to decorate it as much as i want bc my mom doesn’t want me to damage the paint. but like if #i have a place of my own then i get to decide a little ding in the paint is worth it to put up my lanterns. you know? idk. the mortifying #ordeal of experiencing freedom like thisfor the first time in my mid-late twenties probably 😍😍😍😍😍😍 but still its gonna be good and i hope it #happens soon and i have to MAKE that happen. so yeah. #wishlist #delete later #ok now im done for real THJS time lol. my mom is gonna be so pissed at me ive barely lifted a finger here. but im enjoying the quiet what ca #can i say!!!!!!!! like OMG ok last thi ng…. like she’s always saying i have to love myself first before i get into a relationship and it’s l #like.. maybe my living conditions do not predispose me to be able to spend time w myself in ways that allow me to love myself!!!!!! #maybe always being on the defense and needing to find quiet spaces all the time and being shamed for that is not a very good way to experien #experience myself in the place im supposed to feel most grounded and comfortable!!! so yeah. #like maybe i stopped doing all the things i loved bc you got alexa and loud speakers and started blasting music all the time and dominating #space and becoming more and more high maintenance… 😳 (and obviously i changed as a person / played a role in it too but again my point / re #realization is… maybe it was in RESPONSE to stimuli that were not good for me and not just bc i suck as a person / am losing myself / etc.) #like theeeee sonic warfare of it all. also my brother is a key player in it too bc he raps and sings at the top of his lungs and it’s like 🤨

[samwisefamgee]

the 20 dollar pair of throwaways I got for my sister's wedding were perfect for the like 7 hours I got them for but are really not perfect for like anything else ever

#i mean the WERE 20 dollars thats how it works but ya know #ive had to use them while walking around to do errands and not gonna lie wish i hadnt tossed the old busted pair #they were pretty far past done for but these things have given me. SO many blisters and i kinda just gotta keep goin #woulda taken the duct tape pair. shoulda just kept the duct tape pair #i seriously need to get some actual nice walking shoes but that would necessitate having more than 50 dollars at one point ever #and im outta weed lmao i had to bust out the emergency stash from the junk drawer #you know cause i get to where im sleeping and the ouch oof ache of my badshoes leaves me wanting a poofer choofer #its a cycle but ive been in worse cycles #if my mental health were also at an especially low point during all this i dont even KNOW what id be doing lol #i walkked. over 17 miles the other day in a haze of self harm after more bullshit happened and lost my wallet during the walk. #not a fun 6 miles of backtracking. drank outta someones hose once and the river twice to stave the clearly onsetting dehydration. didnt die! #found the wallet. drank maybe more water than i ever have in one moment when i passed the library and absorbed their entire drinking font #anyway my legs/knees were ruined and i almost sent myself to the hospital again cause i cant make bad decisions normal i get weird about it #but hey if a very specific set of circumstances fall into place maybe i wont be broke and just generally all around unwell goin forward #heres hoping it does before student loan payments roll round again lol

[puchhka]

overwhelemd

#started doing ym work seriously today after like 2 weeks of nothing #and shit #gone idk where to start im just switching bw tasks and doing nothing still just feeling overwhelemd #i have my intern tests in a month and like its a big thing competitive in my clg and im just shitting myself #ive to work on my resume ive to do this project course ive taken ive to do my intern shit which is so boring ive to prepare for the tests #all while im at home where i can get absolutely NO work done i become so lethargic here #the truth the realization of it all is hitting

[bobzora]

finally found a font that actually looks not too horrible in rpgm. love and peace and happiness forever

#bobtalk #a bit of blur is unavoidable ( :( saddening). but it doesnt look Too bad and thats a miracle. thank you. finally. after all these years. #of course ill never make it to the Actually Making a Game part but well is that what im really here for. not really. well. not really. #the closest ive gotten to a complete project is my vn and i got caught up in UI Coding Hell with that lol. ill come back to you someday gir #maybe the only time i get project work done is in temporary moments of frenzy but its okay because im cute :) #anyway. font isnt completely hideous!!!!YAY!

[dullahandyke]

-_-

#11 days to the leaving and only now am i drawing up what all i need to study #chronologically it makes sense to leave latin n music to the last bcos i have like a whole week after history to study for just them #and before that all of my exams are basically in the same week with allowance for the weekend #so i should focus on eng n maths particularly #n then bio and irish and history #but like. my history latin n music teachers r the only ones assigning work. for the exams i have the most time for. lol #like i can ignore the history n music teachers for the most part but like my classes w my latin teacher r one on one i CANNOT brush that of #so im here studying me fucking virgil ig instead of figuring out what im doing w the comparative #sigh. ok priorities ill make up that list of shit i gotta do for each subject #gotta suss out which movie im watching for eng and what poems n stories im studying for irish n what modules im doing for history! lol! #can u tell ive not been paying attention for like. 4 months. #remember kids: cramming is a cool and fun thing to do <- is in a pit #when the leaving cert ends i am going into my room never to be seen again for like a week. #and im getting me mam to buy me something for it. maybe a binder if i come out to her by then #oh well thats future talk. for now. figure out what to study. as ive already said twice #im playinh kh bgm to indulge in the hyperfocus while still getting study done n its kinda working #but mostly i just wanna play kh again... #i havent wrapped up the hades cup n i wanna restart com bcos i think i might know how it works better now #watched a one card deck challenge for recom and its the remake so some shits different but like. i get it now maybe #if nothing else gba com looks rlly rlly cute. the pixel art <£

[orcelito]

Since I've got some life insurance money now, I keep ordering packages. Birthday gifts, household necessities/utility things that I've wanted but haven't bought b4 now for whatever reason (an electric kettle, a portable speaker, more outlet strips, wood cleaner, some cubbies for one of my new cabinets, etc), and Also a few frivolous nice things for myself (like the figurine, and the dice, and some comic books)

I'm expecting it to slow down after I've gotten things more settled, but I rly wonder what the post ppl think of me rn. Like "this bitch again?" I'm sorry post people I am simply trying to sort out my life rn. I promise I will be less annoying in time.

#speculation nation #birthday gifts not listed bc my sister follows me here lol. but theyre for her. #i think ive gotten everything im gonna get for her bday tho 🤔🤔 at least from online. we'll see if i see anything out and about lol #part of me going a little ham with it now that i financially Can. part of me wanting to make sure she gets plenty of gifts #considering. well. we wont get any more gifts from dad. #which Wow that still stings huh. just gonna try to not think about that too much lol #anyways im working on a bunch of cleaning rn. washing my sheets and tidying and cleaning the floors #my apartment is in A State after we shoved all the shit from my dad's place in here. #so many boxes to go through and unpack and organize #the good thing is i have much more furniture to put things in. i just have to actually Do it. #blegh. so much work. but it must be done.... #buuuuut! i have a portable speaker now 😌 so i am listening to music as i go. hell yea

[pens-and-paperbacks]

"Nobody wants to work! Everyone is so lazy! No one has any work ethic!"

That's all a lie and I'm sorry you've been made to believe that. The truth is people are applying and many people have great work ethic or can be easily taught but the jobs they're forced into are so trash that if they had the choice, why would they ever actually apply there? Why would they want to work there?

My current workplace, a gas station, is sitting on at least a dozen applications but my boss won't hire any of them because, "they're welfare fodder, they've only kept a job for six months or less." We're finally hiring someone in now because, "they looked put together and have a nice looking car," but only because one of my coworkers is leaving, having out in a notice a month ago which my boss hasn't forgiven her for and is spiteful about. All of this doesn't even touch the HUGE mouse problem we had for MONTHS, the heavily leaking ceiling with a huge hole over its door, or the mold that's just everywhere throughout the fridges and the ceiling tiles. And even THAT doesn't touch on the surprising amount of racist and homophobic comments I hear from customers (or employees/my boss sometimes) here and there.

At another job I worked from the stores opening, through orientation, and watched everyone that had miraculously lasted the first two years leave because two of my managers had an affair, lied about it to everyone, fired someone over seeing their text messages and kept messing up our supply orders. When my actual boss finally stepped in he was so out of touch with what actually needed to be done in the store that it caused worse problems. I also heard at some point, when people had to take on second jobs, that this boss was flat out doing everything he could to get rid of people because, " they were making another job their priority instead of this one."

The second job I had to take during the one mentioned just above (because I was one of those people not getting enough hours) was flat out a horrible, toxic work environment. Everyone had a bad attitude, did not want to be there and even if it seemed like they were having a good day, one wrong work or work slip up made their mood flip on a dime. I had to flat out ask to not be put on the schedule with one of the employees because they were that mean to me, and I can get along with anyone so that's saying something. The labor cost they had was absolutely ridiculous there (meaning they could only keep so many people on at a time to afford being there, possibly only two even during a lunch or dinner rush with a fully packed drive through and lobby) and when one manager decided, "I have to send my help home and work by myself for an hour, otherwise I'm gonna get yelled at about the labor cost," and singlehandedly handled one of those lunch rushes on their own. They were written up for it. They left that morning after signing that paper because, despite not being allowed to be there on your own as an employee, our boss was adamant about labor costs and could have covered for her or not told anyone. If she hadn't have some what she did, she would have actually been yelled at. It was an incredibly disrespectful move done in the name of corporate.

The one job that paid me well did so because they appreciated my work and everyone else kept leaving. I saw three raises in three months because I was essentially THE kitchen manager. That was great. Thing was, even though the people I worked with and for were good to me, it was a bowling alley/restaurant/arcade/bar where you were expected to prep, cook, take reservations, set people up on lanes via computer, serve people if your manager was busy, do light maintenance on the bowling machines and arcade machines, keep up with dishes and get the end of the day cleaning done which sometimes meant vacuuming the carpet across all eighteen lanes of customer seating and cleaning the tables/chairs stationed there too. All of that, despite the raises, was done for minimum wage starting and the place was almost always packed. I'd often get asked to stay because they kept a few employees that while good at their job they just missed shifts constantly because they knew they could, since this job had on-call shifts too. There were nights my husband picked me up that I was so sore and overworked that I would get in the car and just start sobbing. I wouldn't stop for ten minutes or more, either until we were mostly home or we got something to eat since I was normally too hungry to keep crying.

The very first job I ever got was at a pizza place. Over all it was the most laid back, despite being run by one of the Mafia families in town (of which there are a few but tbf they're very low key). The problem there was that the boss was a fucking scumbag who thought that in his case the Mafia status made him a big shot. It didn't. On a side note, his self important scumbag attitude made the other families in the area see him for the joke he was. He would make passes at the waitresses in exchange for streak dinners and money, only ever hire girls who were cute/pretty as waitresses so he could have a chance at doing so with someone cute/pretty. When we had a lot of money coming in he would spend it on improving the bar that was attached to the restaurant, as in getting new flat screen tvs or new glasses, some trivial thing that he didn't actually need. Not the kitchen ware that needed fixing, which at one point caused me to get a third degree burn because someone ended up running into my arm with boiling hot lasagna out of an oven we didn't normally use. There was also a point where I had to deliver a pizza to him, which he ordered drunkenly and over the phone while he was in the bar only twenty feet away, but when I went to deliver it to him and grab a jug of wine I needed for the restaurant, his grandson (very politely) had to stop me from doing so because his grandfather was doing something with a woman in the backroom of the bar in the middle of the day.

Currently, I have to move out of my house and in with friends a state away with my husband because even with two people working nearly 40 hours each at a minimum wage job still isn't enough to live and thrive off of. It's nothing we can make an actual life off of. We have to leave our house behind for a season, get new jobs and save money in this new place, just so we can afford to come back and fix up and sell our house/land. Our combined income is about $30,000 flat, in a small town where everything was just affordable enough to get by. It isn't anymore.

I sent out five job applications in one month only to hear back from one with a no, the others ghosted me completely until just the other day, literally the month after.

"No one wants to work! Everyone is lazy! No one is applying!"

You don't know how bad it is and has been even before COVID. Add inflation onto the long list of fucked up, unprofessional or flat out cruel things that can be done or said in many workplaces, which you have to deal or else your fired, on top a work chore/task sheet that probably keeps you overworked and exhausted the entire week/month/year and I ask you-

Would you want to work?

#jobs #working #work experience #part time work #workplace #full time work #theyre all right #i DONT actually want to work anymore #i DO want to stay home and do nothing #after 10+ years of this bullshit im pretty done #honestly i just want to be a content creator and make that my job because i cant stand being around people anymore #this job has made me hate all physical interaction #its made me hate the general public #people show up here at 7 when we open and i just dont even feel normal about it anymore #i just feel rage #if one more person says no one wants to work im going to spit in their face i swear to fucking christ #ive been wanting to make this post forever and just havent been able to #now im sitting at work because you know i only get two days off a week so im always here #and im spening what little free time i have venting before i pop #i hate this place and im stuck here until august #i just want out of here so i never have to look at these people again #i hate this town

[butch-bakugo]

Maybe im being defensive on a different blog or maybe im just tired of making excuses but it litterally pisses me off sometimes on how we as communties on this platform, refuse to even tap the glass surrounding the topic of a "dni" or "do not interact" as something that is, in truth, totally outlandish and entitled.

Its held up as everyone's special little perfect scroll that makes anyone a monster for not reading and completely adhereing to. Like its your fault for existing in the same space as someone who finds some innate thing about you triggering and its your fault their mental health is now in "utter shambles". How dare you exist in their space. How dare you not explore every aspect of them before mindlessly scrolling down after liking one of their posts. How dare you not read every piece of the fine print in their 20 paragraph 3 teir with 6 paths per teir caard before following them for 1 thing they post sometimes. How dare you step on their lawn. This blog is their property and they have every right to be upset when you step on it!!

Dude... Blogs are public property. Blogs are your little stall in a sea of a billion stalls at a festival held in a city park. Some people will stop and buy shit, other might spit at your feet. Others steal shit or yell at you and heres the reality...

You chose to put up the fucking stall.

You chose this public place. You picked it and decided to sit there and make things and wait. You cant check every customer and why would you? Why should they give you a pamplet of a billion facts of themselves before you could even consider allowing them to just merely stand infront of your stall? Why do i or anyone have to prove to you that we are "worthy" of your blog? Of your content? Why should we have to fit your mold to like a few pictures or pieces of art? Why do i have to sign in?

This is public property and yes, its my fault if i insult you or steal shit but you cant be a white karen and cry to the people crowded around your stall that i merely exist near yours. Thats why i utterly disregard them and will continue to because why?

Dnis are fucking stupid, it dosent stop the people you dont like and if your gonna beg for likes and reblogs, you cant pick who likes and reblogs it.

When i say this, people point out that i have a dni. But heres the thing. At the tippy top of mine, i state that i fully understand and expect it to be disregarded and not adhered to and thats honesty. I dont expect people to and why should i? Its merely a statement of me saying that these people are ones im going to advocate againest and thats it. What grinds my gears is the people who cry and scream and hurt themselves then beg for sympathy from their muturals because they "genuinely" expected it to be respected.

You genuinely expect people to care? When your blog is about cookie run character edits? When your blog is about winx club fanart? Why should they care? Its not my job to follow your rules on a public platform. Its not my job to check every blog i like or reblog from. Its not my job to make my existance something palatable to you and its not my job to respect something i dont have to.

The sickest part of all of it is that its so disconnected from reality. In reality, every person with more than 5 things on their dni has loved ones and close friends who would fit their dni and they don't cut them off like they try to cut at internet strangers. My own damn friends would meet my "dni", my mom would, my sister would. Dose that make them all horrible terrible bigots? Fuck no! It makes me realistic. Its this understanding that just because you dont know someone, one opinion of theirs that dosent align with yours on mundane shit, automatically makes that person a horrendous disguesting bigot who hurts everyone and should never be trusted again with no reason or ability to get better or become more educated or could educate you.

Ive had fully white people not touch important racial posts because im "panphobic". Ive had fully abled people ignore important disabled articles about our rights being taken away cause i support he/him lesbians. Like... The issues dont match each other and you need to be able to put the tumblrina bong down and hold hands aginest actual important issues when they arise instead of mundane fandom bullshit. I dont care if you like the dream smp when im trying to get you to spread more important info about sexism. I dont care if your a demipansexual pro-shipper when really fucking important info about climate change activists are dieing.

Like you gotta be able to step away for a moment and if you find yourself genuinely caring about stupid bullshit like "endogenic rights!!" in real life that dosent affect anything over any of the big 5 of oppression: mysogny, racism, lgbtphobia, ableism and classism... Then you need to step away and get a fucking grip. You need to breathe and leave. Stop like and a ride a bike. Delete and move feet. You get the point.

Get up and get out and get some perspective. None of it matters. Move on.

#levi speaks #i know this is hypocritical of me but if you havent noticed #all my recent posts have been queued #because im reconnecting with the world and getting my news off tumblr and twitter #im being alive and not as active here and my god do i feel better #ive done this before and it works #if you find your mood always shitty after being on tumblr and in discourse #leave it and do some other shit for like a month #youll feel so good #i just read some dnis and its like wtf are you on #theres no way any of your irl friends actually fully agree with you #some of them would look at your quote true veiws unquote and gag #move on and move out #theres a reason why glaad and other shit doaent acknowledge mspec lesbians #theres a reason why no psychological societies think endos are real #get a life and get out of this suffocating cave of echos

[lorillee]

anyways this week ive been on the hunt for a very specific brand of awful high school au with ... minimal luck. i will say i am mildly fascinated by how absolutely inescapable luffy/nami was back in the earlier days of the fandom. even more baffled by the fact that both of their personalities are butchered beyond belief in all of these - like... okay real talk if you have to completely destroy one or both of the characters in your ship to make this work... maybe....... you don't ship those characters. you ship your original characters LOL

#like idk maybe lu/na can work in some capacity im not here to judge. but WOW do these authors not understand either of these characters #like. at all #if you've never done a dive into the ffn you would probably honestly be shocked #at the sheer amount of dark! smart! different df! godlike! luffy fics #in which his harem consists of every single relevant female character #like okay you say luffy is your favorite character but in all of your fics his personality is completely reversed #maybe..... maybe you dont like luffy all that much. maybe you like your oc with luffys name and face plastered onto it #either way ive been reading a lot of. what can only be described as . shlock #but its not the brand of shlock i want #one time. one time for this one fandom. i accidentally stumbled upon the most horrifying melodramatic soap opera high school au #i have. ever ever seen. i was a bit traumatized. but unfortunately after skimming through levels of drama never known to man #and subsequently skimming through a lot of really. really boring high school aus #i have come to realize that i will likely never find anything even remotely on that level ever again #and i am. honestly mostly disappointed. not entirely because like i said it was a bit traumatizing to read. but also...... man #even more man because a few months after i found it the author deleted it and said she was going to rewrite it. but tbh i doubt it #when stuff like that happens the author gets to chapter 3 and then gives up #but either way. yeah ive been searching for that high ever since and have come away terribly disappointed #maybe this unicorn fic is hiding somehwere in the ffn and maybe im just too picky. but i will die before i read cora/law or ace/sabo/luffy