#actually i don’t think im autistic but i have similar sensory things going on

[nutmeg-cider]

part of my autistic nandor the relentless agenda is that this is why he still dresses like that. he wears weighed blankets around all day in the form of capes n shit

#he’s just like me fr #actually i don’t think im autistic but i have similar sensory things going on #i loooove layers #neurodivergence #wwdits #what we do in the shadows #nandor the relentless #brewing cider

[radfae]

same anon again, thank you so so much for sending me that page because my god it sounds like an actual description of me. i’ve felt deep shame for not being able to for example properly tie shoelaces and the fact there could be a reason provides me with so much hope

as for the having other symptoms, i’m not sure. i struggle to maintain eye contact, never sure how to sit, very aware of masking what would be my normal facial expressions, movements and ways of speaking as what people consider normal reactions and expressions do not come naturally to me, i have pretty bad concentration difficulties and take way too long to start tasks (i remember classmates pointing out how unlike them i never start anything immediately), i struggled severely with how to behave socially for a long time (feel like im role playing social interactions) and i still do but i can mask it a bit, i have been told i sit and walk ‘abnormally’ (eg only on tip toes), people like my mother get annoyed that i talk too much about my interests… sorry i could go on but im already dumping too much on you. i don’t know how much of this is relevant but it’s what comes to mind. thank you so much again for helping

don’t worry about it, i’m happy to help in any way i can!

i definitely feel the roleplaying social interactions bit, lol. with very little exceptions, face to face communication feels like a constant performance. it’s normal to have to act a bit to push through situations you don’t want to be in, or to pick up certain phrases from friends, but for autistic people both occurrences become far more frequent, because we need to pick up on and copy how others hold themselves just to blend in with everyone else. it’s no wonder a lot of autistic adults experience burnout when our very existence is often a front. eye contact is very difficult too. i’m either constantly glancing away or thinking ‘am i making too much eye contact?’

i personally don’t get comments about walking strangely anymore, but i used to know an autistic girl when i was younger that would walk on her tiptoes constantly. as far as i know, it’s not uncommon for autistic people to have atypical ways of walking or just carrying themselves because it relates back to motor functions again. i do sit weird though. i have my knees up almost all the time. like L from death note lol

infodumping is definitely a thing but i would focus less on how much you talk about your interests and more on how fixed they are. when i’m focused on something, it’ll become just about all i can think about—i need to know absolutely everything there is to know about the topic, and oftentimes doing anything unrelated to my interest can feel dull and unfulfilling in comparison.

a few other things you didn’t mention that are common in autistic people—adherence to routines, sensory processing issues, and struggling to understand how other people are feeling

when you think routine you usually think of checklists or something similar, right? those can be great for autistic people but the need for repetition can manifest in a few different ways. for me (and a few other people i know) i always need to sit in the same spot. i can only sit on one side of the car (unless i’m driving), i always sit in the same spot on the couch and at the table, etc. if i’m not able to sit in the same spot, i get like.. really upset lol. it leaves me with a weird sense of dread and heaviness because it just feels so wrong because i need the familiarity.

my sensory issues relate to sound, touch, and audio, but i’m also pretty sure it’s common for it to be visual and to be sensitive to light. if i touch or hear something that’s ~bad~ i instantly recoil. it’s like HORRIBLE it makes me want to tear my skin off . just thinking about it makes me feel ick. i’ve literally slapped my moms arm completely on impulse once because she was making a noise i didn’t like, i felt SO BAD.,,, as for auditory, i just kind of… don’t understand people when they speak half of the time. it’s like when you hear someone say something when you’re not paying attention so you have to have them say it again so you get it, but like. just when you have my full attention. it’s not that i’m literally not hearing, is more like it just sounds like gibberish and my brain doesn’t get it. i like to have subtitles on everything so i don’t have to strain to understand it all. i also can’t handle too many noises at once; as an example, if there’s a couple of people having a conversation, sounds of people walking, and music playing at the same time, i will be on the verge of panicking right there and then. it just becomes all very overwhelming and i gotta hide. headphones REALLY help with this

and this ties back into social difficulties but i just don’t really know what other people are thinking at any given moment. i don’t know what someone wants me to do unless they explicitly state it, and i don’t get “they said one thing but meant another” rhetoric. i have a tendency to come off as harsh without meaning to and i don’t really understand when i’ve done something to hurt someone’s feelings because i just can’t really read social situations like that. of course i’m not an asshole i’ll gladly apologize and clear up any misunderstandings but the person has to come to me first and tell me that i’ve done something bad or i probably just won’t notice. i take everything at face value and have a very hard time reading into people

[normal-thoughts-official]

Okay hi can i just pls throw out this idea i have in my head because i have literally zero friends to talk about malec with and i love your blog fhksghs but anyway i have this headcanon that alec is autistic because like, he's kind of stiff in his movements and he's straight to the point matter of fact but he's so very very empathetic and he feels so much and maybe he's been masking his entire life because his way of being is "Wrong" (and on top of that he gay) and people beside his siblings (1)

don't really get him and honestly the fact that he doesn't always find the words to express himself especially when he's scared and upset makes sense and maybe with the masking thing the only way of stimming he's ever allowed himself is that jerky lil hand shake thing he does or the pinching of the skin between his fingers. also!! im thinking that's why he's so good at archery and not AS good at hand to hand combat because archery doesn't take as much coordination and he noticed it was easy for him so he kind of hyperfixated on it as a kid and it never really left and it makes sense with the self harm thing. it's so common for autistic kids to take out their frustrations and sadness on themselves and if alec doesn't allow himself to stim that jittery energy might just turn into frustration and anger he doesn't understand or know what to do with so causing pain to get it out becomes the only way he knows how to cope. anyway THE POINT i'm trying to make is i've kind of adopted the headcanon that magnus has adhd as well so he kind of complements alec where he struggles and the other way around and as they get to know each other they kind of start finding new ways of coping together and allowing themselves to be exactly as they are with each other. alec finds ways to stop masking and starts to come to terms with who he is and what he's like because he's never really identified with anything but his masked persona and magnus finally has someone who understands him

also i get that like... this headcanon is not new at all. i just haven't seen it being discussed a lot just like magnus having adhd is something i came across like two days ago so idk how big that headcanon is but yeah snglbghk sorry for taking up so much space i guess im a lil fixated hehe thank you for your time

okay, first of all i just want to say that i’m thrilled that you wanted to share this with me, specifically, especially since this is clearly meaningful and important to you. and don’t apologize, i love getting ranty asks tbh, they are the best dajsaijdadja 

for the hc! i totally agree with you on autistic alec, that’s not an uncommon hc because yeah he does have like... a lot of autistic traits lmao (altho there’s a lot of hm. gross ableist content involving this. but anyway) like i’ve been talking recently on here about alec’s honesty and his complete unwillingness and even unability to understand like, mind games and flirting and such and how that draws magnus in, and i definitely think that is directly connected to his autism. like the whole throwing hints and innuendos and flirting ;) ;) just doesn’t fucking make sense to him and he’s very in contact with his feelings and why would he not? be direct about them? you know? and magnus has had to basically teach himself to be able to do that (because well autism and adhd overlap and he’s probably had to struggle a lot to pick on social cues too, and learn these little tricks. this also probably has to do with the personality that he chose for himself, like, that whole over exaggerated over the top kind of careless thing, because then he can pass off his rambley tendencies and other ADHD traits as just... him being careless, i guess. so he lays it particularly thick so that the parts that are actually there - his tendencies to ramble and hyperfocus, lack of attention, sometimes unawareness of social cues - end up less visible under the veil of his exaggerated persona) and it’s so damn good. and important. to not have to. to be basically forced not to. because alec doesn’t engage in those. he’s completely honest. and he offers magnus a space where he can be, too

and i just duahdsiuahda love autistic/adhd solidarity malec (and also autistic/adhd solidarity mag&raph but that’s another topic. lêx shut the fuck up about raphael challenge. actually send me asks about autistic raphael pls yall). especially because like i said. magnus has had a lot of time to learn how to mask his ADHD traits! but it’s exhausting, and god it feels so good and he’s so fucking happy that he gets to stim, and ramble, and just be himself with alec

even if it definitely takes him a while. i think longer than it takes alec. because alec 1- is not as good as magnus at hiding it, and 2- sees no reason to hide them from magnus, because once he trusts, he trusts, and he’s all in. i think what would take alec the longest would be to stim - because he’s so used to suppressing those it’s almost second nature - but stimming is exactly the one thing that magnus still kind of allows himself. especially with magic, you see the way he’s always conjuring up little balls, doing sparks with his hands, rubbing his fingers together, etc etc etc. and alec picks up on that, the ways that he stims subtly and without hurting himself and maybe starts doing it too. we even get to see him rubbing his fingers in a similar way that magnus does sometimes, after they meet, and i think that might be the beginning of that process

so that definitely applies to what you said about them helping each other out with their greatest difficulties! like magnus is most uncomfortable letting go of hiding his traits, and alec is most uncomfortable with stimming, and they slowly- well, not coax each other into it, but walk that path together, especially as they also walk their career paths and earn more respect and space, and their relationship path and learn to be more open and earnest with each other and work together. you know? magnus sees that alec keeps picking at his own skin and hands, and he’s like... all lovingly healing him, and telling him that he should stop hurting himself, and alec tells him that it’s just. that he feels like the world is so sharp, sometimes, and he just has all that energy, and he doesn’t know how to let it out, and it’s too much, but he doesn’t know what to do with it, so he just. picks at his skin. and magnus looks up at him, brows a little furrowed, a little in shock and also. a good kind of surprise because he understands? and he’s happy that someone else understands? and that he can help with this?

and so magnus is like “i feel like that a lot, too. having magic helps, but well, there are other things i do” and then he tells alec about how he rubs his fingers together instead of picking at the skin and how he taps them and does the little wrist shaking thing and how that helps. and alec starts to figure out other ways to stim that work for him and don’t hurt him. magnus also tells him about jewelry and how that helps, having stuff to fidget with/focus on, and well alec is not big on jewelry but maybe he starts wearing a chain under his shirt, and there’s always the wedding band :) which we already see him fiddling with a lot in canon anyway so i definitely think it serves the same purpose for him as magnus’ jewelry do magnus. plus, it’s grounding and reminds him of them, which is also a bonus

and then there’s also everything we see in canon, about alec just. wanting magnus to be exactly himself and telling him that? seeing the way magnus is tapping his foot and then stops when he approaches, and he’s like “you can keep going,” or the way that he sometimes approaches magnus and is all like “i can tell you’re thinking too hard about this conversation. i don’t want you to say anything but what you feel. it’s okay” and magnus slowly relaxes and allows himself. or when he catches himself mid rant about his hyperfixation and he feels ashamed but he turns to alec, about to apologize because he just started talking way too much and way too fast about fucking wormholes and astrophysics again and alec is probably bored- but he turns and alec is staring at him with his usual, open adoration that always takes his breath away, and alec is like “no, i love hearing you talk” because even if he doesn’t understand what magnus is talking about, he loves how excited he is and to see him happy. plus his voice is so nice and pretty and just hmmm very good for the senses you know, like it’s just nice to focus on. so magnus does that little half smile of his, super pleased, and keeps talking, except this time gesticulating even more wildly and like flapping and going into detail without holding back, and he’s just so happy, and alec is so happy, and so in love with him duaudsaa

also them being sensorial heaven for each other :) alec wanting to hold magnus after he’s had A Day, and he just wraps himself around him and buries his face on his neck and feels his presence there, you know, focuses on him and his touch and hair and nice clothes (magnus picks clothes pretty much based on texture because he can’t stand some, and others, like silk, are just perfect so he has a bunch of those, and alec likes the same textures too so that’s great) and stops focusing on other noises and light and other things that might be giving him a bit of overload, you know? but also he doesn’t feel like, trapped, so it’s great. while magnus is enveloped in his arms and having all that stimuli from alec touching him and again he can laser focus on that and feel like his brain calms down a little. and it’s perfect for them both. sensory healing cuddles. perfect

and when either of them feels like having their space or not touching because Too Much, that’s okay too, because they both 1- understand, and 2- are mindful of each other’s space always. magnus especially, we see how he’s very careful with getting into other ppl’s and particularly alec’s space, and alec appreciates it because he never feels invaded. but he also learns when magnus needs space, be it alone or just a broad space to Flap Around in, and he always gives him that when he needs it, and magnus is so grateful for that. and it’s just duaihdsiahdasidaihahdah god i fucking love adhd/autistic solidarity malec thank u for coming to my ted talk

#ask #anonymous #aa #adhd magnus bane #autistic alec lightwood #sh #shadowhunters #long post #magnus bane #alec lightwood #malec #ezra squick

[unproduciblesmackdown]

here’s the matter of fact text post re: i guess i achieved the goal of an intermittent thing i’d do where i’d try to find anyone online talking about the ‘weird’ experience i have with masturbation which is, inherently, not exciting or anything but it’s like, even if i just Know of course it’s not just me, i want to like, hear someone else talk about anything similar ever, b/c so far it’s just a text post i saw once and can’t ever rediscover and someone talking about their experience that stems from an inapplicable physical trauma so....Yay, seeing as it’s been years i’ve been like “seriously though” lmao  

i was like Lol @ myself b/c i was like “man after i try for like 30 sec to crank it it a) doesn’t go anywhere hardly and b) i lose interest Way fast and it’s like mildly annoying” and so i thought about that post that’s like [me after sex: well that was a waste of my goddamn time. anyway back to speedrunning] but that’s me after a halfhearted attempt to masturbate and not really getting anything out of it anyways lmaoo like. it’s okay or i wouldn’t even bother fairly regularly but also it tends to end with like, me going off on a distracted tangent for even a moment and it can just hit an absolute brick wall like okay i don’t even have the Interest in continuing with this anymore like i might’ve had before starting like Well That Was A Waste Of My Goddamn Time Anyway Back To [whatever it is that i do]

and then like either that same night or the next my dreams had the audacity to get deeply uncomfortable for no reason like. all i do is have Anxiety Dream Themes thrown together where like. for example as i write this, two nights ago i had a dream segment about “i’m on vacation at the beach” but it was all Anxiety b/c it’ll all be about how i can hardly visit said beach coz i keep getting sidetracked at the hotel or w/e while i’m Trying to visit it while i still can, and last night i had the same Theme but trying and failing to ride roller coasters (which i Enjoy irl) and like, the beach one in particular recurs not Too infrequently lmao where i’m surprised by the rarity of something like “you’re at the beach and it’s fun” lol.......i don’t have anything i’d call a nightmare too often but Anxiety / a somewhat threatening/worrisome situation is like, fairly constant lol, with some occasionally more neutral stuff and a really rare Fun Dream but anyways it was still Bizarre that my dreams pitched me “you’re Someone who i guess is dating this abstract Partner and the scenario is you feel obligated to have sex with them” and it was weird like, woke up the next day like “why did my brain drag me through this deeply unpleasant dream situation” like. not totally unheard of for my dreams to touch on a Scene ft. sex and/or physical intimacy and even on occasion it’ll be an “i’m (or whoever i am as a maybe semi-abstract First Person camera character lol maybe ft. some particular concept attached to the ‘role’) having some sexual encounter and it’s Fine or enjoyable” but it’s generally fleeting As Per Usual Dream Structure and it’s like why was this one that sucked like, particularly dragged out by those usual dream standard’s, come on

anyways so going “haha i’m living the Waste Of My Goddamn Time thing” and “well thank you to my own brain for a bizarre and unpleasant experience while i’m just trying to be passed tf out” i was like “let’s look up again why not only can i not seem to orgasm but also like even expecting a way lower level of stimulation still Disappoints sometime like why do i bother” and yeah after first going the “does anyone Never manage to Not slam into a brick wall / basically completely lose interest all at once or practically all at once even and it all goes back to zero even if you started at like maybe a 1 or 1.5 and sometimes it happens with going down a random mental track” route i interestingly got some cis guys going “yeah hate when that happens on occasion” but yeah by now i had of course given up on “can i come at this from an [experiencing sensory input and processing from an autistic angle] angle” like. idk still interested in that of course lmao but god is searching for it a bit exhausting. but yeah after i threw in an [-erectile] search modifier i got was like oh a result on a site about asexuality re: masturbation, why didn’t i think of That angle. idk but here we are

informative stuff but the comments section where people who wanted to read an [about: masturbation] on a site About asexuality were talking about their experiences was like. i had mentioned how it was Enlightening that one person said I Do Not Enjoy Orgasms lol like i have not really heard that angle vs “you might not enjoy sexual stimulation” and/or “you might not be able to orgasm” but not you Can orgasm but you Might Not Even Like It Really like. the person said yes they got the Peak Of Intense Pleasure out of the orgasm but not so much any kind of afterglow and felt like they get dropped back to where they were before even trying to masturbate (aka. square zero again lol) and just yeah outright mentioned Not Enjoying it and another person replied like Yep it’s like that for me too.........already i’m like man i don’t even approach anywhere near an orgasm Ever but man would not be surprised if, even if i theoretically was capable of the physical experience, it would be the same as this way lower level Waste Of My Goddamn Time deal lol.......it’s Hilarious too that like. say “being at all in the mood to try to spank it” is a Square/Level 1, i feel like yeah most of the time i’m only getting this shit going to a 1.5, maybe a 2 or 2.5 if we’re on fire......very very very rarely have i been like “hey that was like, a 3 or some shit, damn” and honestly it’s not like oh so that ruled and is motivation to continue b/c like. the Surprise of it throws me off and it’s not necessarily that Great a surprise, more just like, jeez, idk, it feels like A Bit Much that basically registers as Tension where i’m hardly encouraged to keep it up like, makes me wonder if that’s a Sensory Processing Thing aka how sometimes i try to get any more in depth info on the logistics of Experiencing Sexual Stimulation re: also being autistic and the variety of ways that can unfold (i do know that like. the Sensory thing apparently can sure be a factor in either direction, i.e. might cause some ppl to really not enjoy sexual stimulation Or to like, super enjoy it. allistic ppl who might realize “thinking sex is awesome” is “”normal,”” brilliant.....like u didnt also “realize” that stims like fidget cubes and weighted blankets can be enjoyed “”normally”” like. still having a diff experience here and shut it) and i remember one time i was like “c’est la vie i will purchase a vibrator (and i got a second, external one as some deal going on)” and it was just a No Go b/c. it didn’t feel “bad” in that it was not necessarily like, yep here’s some sexual stimulation, but it was like, overwhelming in a Not Good way, yet also not physically painful, and i realize vibrators are made w/ different intensities and i definitely got Mildest ones so it wasn’t that

anyways like yeah #tbt to a time i really gave it a go (vibrator-less) for truly just short of two solid hours......plenty of that was me at Square Zero and getting back to level 1 alone (aka like. feeling Any positive response at all lmao) was kind of an achievement and maybe there was some 1.5 or 2 in there but it wasn’t like i felt that motivated and Just Keeping At It was not necessarily helping so. that was a waste of my goddamn time

can’t really remember what i was doing differently the last time i kicked things up to maybe a solid 2-3 Zone for truly like One Moment lol.....think i was just getting a little more hands on (since usually a spike in intensity makes me go “[?? / !!] whoa :/” and i lose Any momentum and/or “progress”) and that spike in intensity made me go [?? / !!] Whoa :/ and it didn’t matter, just got back to zero as always, and it’s not like these “Achievements” are “Enlightening” where i’m then like wow everyone’s right, really Trying with this shit pays off like lol. i still make a cursory effort but really just to burn off that Level 1-ness if anything like. kinda like “yeah neat here we go” but like. probably literally a minute or two later it’s like well Anyways.......another fun detail is that it’s not Always like “oh i got off on some mental sidetrack and losing focus = losing like All of even this low level of arousal and im back at zero” like, i might be in the middle of things and Lose Interest even while i’m currently experiencing a nonzero level of “yep this is some sexual stimulation” lol but it’s just like smh Whatever @ it......like, on the one hand the Tension of the stimulation gets in its own way, but if i entirely lose that then it’s like well okay this isn’t gonna go anywhere, may as well stop

so anyhow here’s the Particular Comment where i was like “wow this is so similar to #me that i guess i’ve finally found Someone Talking About It* (*however it goes for me)”

i can’t say i’ve done the Holding My Breath thing on Purpose but now sometimes i do notice i do it (and have probably Been doing it) lol like oh there i went and Exhaled in a [was holding my breath] way lol coz like they say there with the Loss Of Any Tension and the Square Zero (Not Even Square One) thing like yeah lmao. and very same with the Five Minutes Max thing b/c yeah it really can be even less than One Minute sometimes before it’s like yeah square zero or just i lose enough interest anyways, getting bored like they say, ugh like it’s a brief description obviously lmao but i’m like god well there it is i guess, the [i know it’s not Just Me experiencing this like this but i’d still fucking like to find anyone else actually talking about it] account For Once Finally, thanks for putting it out there, Disappointed and a lil bored

naturally there are also ppl in the comments talking about how masturbation is an enjoyable thing for them and particular tips there but like it is Hilarious to me how a) some people orgasm easily or like. orgasm if they put effort into masturbation lmaooo like fucking imagine. and b) idk it’s like well i’m sure i’ve made hundreds of attempts and not even any Near Misses, it is simply like, not happening and c) yet at the same time Like This Commenter it’s like “well is there just another way of doing it i somehow haven’t hit on” like naturally i have to wonder like well idk maybe it’d be diff with a sexual partner b/c yknow, the same stimulation from Someone Else vs Yourself, and yet d) ha ha of course i haven’t had sex which people Don’t think of as Not A Joke lmao i referred to this fact abt myself with some casual humor to someone and my temper flared up when that was later taken as a Cue for someone who is not me to jokingly reference it (by Temper Flaring i mean i got annoyed enough to go Do Not Do That e.g. the post that’s like “[asserts one boundary] i’m not a people pleaser anymore i’m actually a huge cunt now”) and i probably shouldn’t feel like i have to “justify” this as well somehow other people have probably tried to Make A Move re: me but i have not been into it like well, what if nobody had ever been Interested that i knew of, that would be fine too, but. i am aware that ppl think of this as a joke still lmao, and i have to say that. im already doing letters like a) b) c) aren’t i but whatever, starting over a) well i haven’t had All the opportunity in the world as i have at various points (but basically continuously) for various reasons been pretty isolated and b) idk i have not had all these signs that point to me wanting to have sex with people exactly lmao but it’s like, c) even if i go “well maybe there’s Exceptions out there or Situations That Will Be Conducively Different Than The Limited Range Of Ones I’ve Had So Far” it’s like, okay, i could still just continue to feel “nah :/” re: any “opportunity” that ever presents itself or whatever. it is all very abstract for me anyways, so it’s like, whatever. but i’m also not the most Glad to discuss it b/c idk a lot of this stuff i know is like A Joke including how i’m still simmering with resentment from a year ago or more over some Tweet i saw trying to dunk a meme about how asexuals are Anti-Psychology like, that’s an entire Other Essay there but needless to say for one thing i just pre-resent people hearing “could being autistic factor into the particular experience i have losing interest / arousal so easily (and inevitably as it’s big time primary anorgasmia around here)” and going “aha that makes sense b/c being ace means there’s something Dysfunctional going on cuz Lbr and bieng autistic means being a Fucked Up version of an allistic person and your autistacity is going to fuck up things about you which ought to function properly” like well that feeds right into itself in a loop and i hate it. and i know the whole “hehe someone who hasn’t had sex is a loser” thing is way engrained in there lmao ppl throw that punchline out all the time and like, idk, see the (i’m autistic) thing like it’s not like this is an unprecedented concept or the only front on which im like “i Know this is a thing ppl negatively judge in general but i also Know i do not buy into that or feel bad about it” like i do not personally consider myself cringe and fail for not having had sex ever and do not consider that Premise that someone is a joke for it to be true re: anyone but at the same time i know that this whole Awareness that people are shitty about it is frustrating to me lol. plus i think it is getting into the Entire Thing where concepts as broad as Maturity and Humanity At Its Most Complex And Worthwhile are considered intrinsically linked to romance and sex, which is something that i am somewhat self-conscious of being aromantic and [having never had sex and it could well be that i will not ever have sex even if The Opportunity(tm) is there] and i know it is frustrating to me b/c sometimes when i start to even talk about “i have not had sex yes im aware this is like (spit take) what a nerd, Sure” b/c i will easily cry out of frustration like 5 seconds in lol. which i cry easily enough but Usually getting teared up b/c i feel Hyped Up / Enthusiasm for something lmfao.......anyways plenty of tangents to go down here but my point is shoutout to the other person for also never orgasming and just being bored with masturbation if anything

and also to the people who were like “i can have / have had orgasms but i don’t actually enjoy it” like considering the way that [not like i experience anything even close to an orgasm but there is sometimes An Increase in arousal achieved, either a tiny raise in the Level or on occasion a bit of a kick which is mostly like “whoa tf chill out”] is overall Underwhelming even if there is Any enjoyment in it and the whole Back To Square Zero (Not Even Square One) thing re: the entire lack of afterglow they mention and it’s like well that kinda feels like parallel experiences here lmao. which tbh is like. makes me care even less with like Humorous Annoyance at the fact that ppl are out here simply able to have orgasms and to have access to that just by like yep here i go masturbating lmaooo like okay

anyways idk how to Conclude this lmfao. Fun Fact i have hc’s about how winston billions who is autistic experiences sexual stimulation (he gets the Really Enjoys It kind of sensory processing time here lol) but i suppose the easiest simplest one to explain is the “remember the Tayston Crying Sex drawing, the idea is that things can be kinda overwhelming while still being Good if it’s handled right by his partner (or himself ig lol) and he can tear up as sort of an overflow thing” like well you probably already knew that was connected to the broader whole of Winston Billions Autistic Hc’s but in case you didn’t: it is

#me and ''Disappointed and a lil bored'' out here #round of applause from me to me....like the time i stumbled across the Source Media for some preview i remembered from a blockbuster vhs #like 20 yrs ago or whatever like ''am i making this sort of Distinctive memory up or modifying one to hell and back / combining them'' like #no i was not but it sure took me a While to mostly coincidentally find it via watching a list on youtube of like. partially Lost or just rly #obscure niche shit....it'd been a preview for a pc game for an ye olde disney series i'd never heard of in my life #anyways the point is it'd been something *i'd* been searching around for intermittently for a good while and managed to find and it was like #hooray but also i realize it's hardly relevant to like. much of anyone else but oh well good for me

[makeroomforthejolyghost]

ok well i originally drafted this while thinking about this post, but it’s relevant to what i wanted to say about (my tags on) this one too so i’ll just post it now, how ‘bout that.

i mean, Getting Used to It (and thus expanding your definition of “i’m fine”) isn’t always as dramatic as your brain completely turning off its pain response to an event, so that you don’t realize you’ve injured yourself until some other clue tips you off. that’s certainly happened to me? (and w/ smaller injuries it happens to healthy people too, as when you cut yourself on paper without noticing, and it doesn’t start to hurt until you see it bleed.) but the more everyday/pedestrian forms of this phenomenon are, like. that the level of pain i rated as an 8 in 2016 now reads to me as, like, 5. and that when you’re depressed (or at least when i am), pain goes up but interest in that pain goes down, because of depression’s tendency to normalize negative stimuli.

i think these are two manifestations of the same thing: your brain removes fear from the equation, and since fear makes pain more intense, most pain experienced in fear’s absence seems like no big deal. and that goes double for painful stimuli you once associated with fear but no longer do? in a sorta feedback-loopy way. or at least it does for me. less fear-->less pain-->even less fear the next time something similar happens.

if i sit in nearly any given position too long, one or more of the joints in my legs will sometimes... well, i think subluxate is technically the right word?* but it’s not like a sudden pop: it’s like, as the muscles around them relax my joints slowly slide out of place. as you can imagine (given the low bar required to achieve it), this happens A Lot; i don’t keep track, but probably once a day on average? i know it’s not every day, but also that some days it happens many times, and that both these latter and the days when it doesn’t happen at all often strike me as a change from the norm. so, yeah, probably a mean of once per day. but until sometime in 2019, it used to freak me out—a lot—every time.

it’s often one of those above-mentioned doesn’t hurt until you notice for other reasons scenarios, too, like the paper cut. so i’d be like innocently sitting there, then look down or attempt to adjust position and suddenly OH GOD MY LEG(S). and every time it happened i’d think, “oh god, is this the time i really and truly get stuck and have to be scooped out of this position on a stretcher. fuck, please, no, that would be so humiliating, there’s no way the paramedics would believe me, strangers must not see me like this,” &c., and the more determined i got to prove to myself that i could move, that i wasn’t stuck, that i could get myself out of this, the more horrifically painful these attempts became—partly because fear of pain leads to greater pain, and partly because when you’re panicky you don’t tend to move with much patience or care.

but, of course, every time i would eventually get out of it. it’s hard to say how long it took, because, again, i never timed it, and also because time does weird shit when you’re freaking out. (plus i have adhd, so my estimates of how long things take aren’t the greatest to begin with.) i want to say though that the longest i ever took unpretzeling myself in this way was an hour and a half—and i usually took way less time than that. (it’s hard also to estimate because these days exceeding ten minutes marks an especially long battle of this kind.) iirc, the ~90-minute incident was like, my right hip already felt not quite right, and someone on the internet recommended W-sitting as a way to reduce a subluxed hip, and i tried it because i either didn’t know at that time or had forgotten that when i W-sit for more than a few seconds i often misplace several toes, up to two joints per knee, maybe an ankle, and/or at least one hip. some of these will reduce themselves automatically as soon as i move; others i can only move passively until after i’ve reduced them. so like, that endeavor was a fucking jigsaw puzzle, and good luck figuring those out when a. every wrong move doubles the pain and panic you’re in, but b. leaving the puzzle unfinished is also agonizing. most of the time it was not that bad.

…what was my point? oh yeah: this sat-wrong-now-my-leg’s-stuck business still happens a lot, and it’s n o t like sitting on a pen, where your brain eventually gives up on signaling your discomfort.** nor like when you’re running on adrenaline and your brain doesn’t bother to tell you you’re hungry. nor like what tumblr user bibliosphere described, where her brain evidently just… prioritized other tasks over the “hey please fix this leg” alarm that pain would have signified. but incidents like this do, literally, hurt less the tenth time they happen than they do the first time, and it’s not because your body Toughens Up or whatever either (that only works w/ exercise-related muscle pain); it’s because your brain learns that this event does not pose imminent danger. a subluxation you know how to reduce will hurt less than one you don’t.

that’s what the “i’m always subluxing” version of the hulk meme means. most chronically ill people describe this whole phenomenon as more like the argument from “shot in the knee theory.” as like, you stop screaming because you learn screaming doesn’t help. and i mean… yeah? but ime it’s more that you stop screaming*** when you learn what does help. the OP in that post asks rhetorically,

Are you going to scream and cry the entire time, or are you going to come to grips with reality and accept the fact that freaking out isn’t going to make the ambulance come any faster?

and jesus christ, OP, are you kidding? in real life? definitely the first one! if you literally got shot in the knee, you wouldn’t just scream because it hurt—you would scream also because holy shit, am i gonna die of blood loss? why did they shoot me? are they going to shoot me again??? and pain you’ve had for years, or an injury you’ve sustained many times before, is nothing like that. if it scares you at all, the content of your fear is more like, oh, crap. what’s this gonna feel like tomorrow. will i have to cancel my plans again?

*n.b. i’ve never had this confirmed by a doctor. i just assume that’s what’s happening because 1. the sensations’ non-pain components are very similar to what the subluxations i have had confirmed feel like; 2. if it’s a joint i can see from my position (e.g., the ankle pressed against the floor when criss-cross-applesauced), it usually looks a little fucked up; and 3. it behaves quite differently from regular stiffness, joints in this scenario feeling not so much too tight to move properly as like i keep aiming for and missing the lever that moves them. (and each failed attempt HURTS like my soft tissues are pumpkin guts and my bones are knives trying to scoop them out.)

**i’ve never actually tried this experiment, though, and i’ve heard it doesn’t work on some autistic people. hopefully this goes without saying lmao but my sensory perceptions are Weird in General, so, any hypotheses i build upon them should be salted liberally

***well, whimpering, anyway. for me at least, if i literally scream at an injury it’s not from the pain, it’s from the surprise. i’m more likely to scream when i stub my toe than when i try to bite and my jaw crunches sideways, because the latter is a possibility i sign up for every time i put food in my mouth, whereas like. ob…viously you wouldn’t have stubbed your toe if you’d already known the object you accidentally kicked was there. (except i guess in movies when people kick objects to express rage, forgetting that this will hurt them. in that case i suppose they scream partly from surprise and partly because negative stimuli encountered in “fight” mode reinforce preexisting anger. wow i digress lmao sorry.) but reactions like whimpering, clenching your teeth, &c. only partly come from surprise; they’re also stims, i think, tho clearly not ones unique to ND people. the woman who pierced my ears when i was a kid told me to focus on tapping first one foot and then the other, so i wouldn’t shrink away. i think it’s kinda like that: it releases nervous energy, gives you a competing stimulus to focus on.

#existential fart chart #screalth tag #icee straw kazoo

[my-autistic-things]

hi um, i don't know if you give advice or anything like that, but i think i'm on the autism spectrum. i was diagnosed with adhd, but given a lot of my triggers and stuff i dont know how to phrase i think i was misdiagnosed, and i have no idea what to do ?? idk sorry if you're not comfortable answering this but im just confused and you dont have to answer

Hi there! I'm happy to answer asks like these don't worry :) I'll make a longer post about this (as I do often) to make sure I can fully answer.

If you feel as though you were misdiagnosed, it is definitely a possibility! ADHD and autism are quite similar, and even the testing is similar as well. Depending on your age, how well you do in school, the way you dress and present to the psychiatrist, and even how much you know about ADHD/autism all affect how the psychiatrist diagnosed you (not even mention if you're afab). Given that youve gotten an ADHD dx, I wouldn't be surprised if you are actually ADHD and also are autistic. If you feel as though you are more autistic than ADHD, you can still have both and "feel more autistic". But, if you don't match the key ADHD symptoms, then you're not likely to be ADHD. ADHD and autism are similar enough to be mistaken for each other by someone not considering one or the other, but I think it's a good idea to take into consideration that you have a pro-dx of ADHD nonetheless. I'd also like the point out, if your a minor, the psychiatrist reports to your parents primarily. If your school/parents suspected ADHD and went for an ADHD test, they don't test for ASD at the same time unless specifed to do a full testing for every possible learning disorder/disability/psychiatric disorder. Just from an ADHD test, you can't be diagnosed with ASD. The psychiatrist could suspect ASD, and could have even mentioned it to your parents, but they could have waived it away or even the doctor could have felt it wasn't important. It all depends on the situation. So maybe bringing it up with your parents in a casual way would be a good idea. Like "hey I was doing some research into ADHD and I found that autism is actually kinda similar! I wonder if it's a possibility I have autism as well! It seems as though I have sensory issues and I really need routine moreso than people with ADHD....did the psychiatrist ever mention anything like that?"

Can you talk to the psychiatrist that diagnosed you? Email? Phone? Make an appointment to see them in person? They probably would be able to tell you if they can suspect ASD as well as ADHD and you "don't have enough symptoms to be formally diagnosed". This can be taken in two ways: either you really don't (and you should listen to a professional's reasoning), or they just don't know you well enough to know all of your symptoms (very good possibility, only you know yourself best).

My primary advice: Get a checklist (there's the DSM-IV online as well as explained versions for both ASD and ADHD). Copy paste that into two documents. The first, edit it into a literal check list (so you can put a check next to each symptom). The second, under each symptom write out how it applies to you. This will take a lot of work, but try at least getting the key defining symptoms of both written out. If you don't have the key traits of autism, then you don't have autism. If you do, even if you're wondering if you *actually* fully qualify as that trait or just slightly, then it's worth bringing it up to your psychiatrist and make a whole deal of it.

When you go to see them (or a different psychiatrist), bring all of your notes/checklist/symptoms with examples or situations that'd happened, and make sure you voice everything important. I would even recommend giving them a copy to look at in case you forget a point or think one isn't worth mentioning but it actually is.

I would also recommend following autism and ADHD blogs and submitting a few asks to blogs asking "is this and autism thing or an ADHD thing?" though, it probably is both since they are similar.

Above all, I'd like to say that it really doesn't matter the label you receive as long as you're able to be happy living your life. If a label is what you need to identify your traits with, then definitely pursue a formal diagnosis to clear everything up. If you're fine without a formal diagnosis, that's great too. A diagnosis isn't going to change your personality, your traits, or how you live your life. It's different if you need specific accommodations and such, but take a bit to think how an ADHD vs an autism dx is really going to affect your life. It all comes down to what you want, but I say this because I know a few people who really don't think it's worth the hassle so don't worry to much you need a pro-dx to have your traits valid.

Good luck!!! (You can message me if you want to too!)

#actually autistic #answered ask

[your-allie-bye]

i watched a rip of fantastic beasts 2 and im just so disappointed (only mild spoilers nothing life altering)

johnny depp still being in the movies is fucking appalling

pls just bring back colin farrell and make him grindlewald idc how just do it hes precious

what happened to all the magic? they just poin their wands and blow things up but there aren’t any spells anymore

the mcgonagall thing seriously what the fuck

she wont be born for a few years why tf is she already a teacher?!?!

seriously where are the fucking spells please bring back the wonderment in the magic

leta was such a rough and edgy kid and then as an adult she was totally different pls just pick a tone for her

where the movie leaves off with her character 😡😡

the stuff with her parents...YIKES

all of the stuff with nagini...even more YIKES

queenies characterization...also YIKES

literally what the fuck was that shit

all of the women were pretty much just there to be love interests and that was kind of it

literally one woman is exclusively there to be horny for newt 🙄

where are the spells???

seriously so much of the characterization was soooooooo off

i thought theseus was supposed to be an asshole bc of how much newt hates him but hes just this by the book cinnamon roll

i know that newt is supposed to be on the autism spectrum and i support that a ton but they aren’t handling it as well as they maybe could and they kind of just make him look like an asshole

im saying that as someone that has sensory processing disorder which has some similarities to autism so im not the 100% authority on how to correctly portray autistic ppl but i do kind of have a stake in it

i don’t think the portrayal is awful I just think it could be handled a bit better

the titanic stuff...???!?...nonsense

so many characters...so little development

tHE ENDING what the fuuuuuuuuck

seriously not to be all country-fried but it’s absolute hogwash

pls tell me it’s a lie bc that shit is for real dumb

why y’all going to wizard school for 7 years if ur wands are just point and shoot

dUmBlDoRe AnD gRiNdLeWaLd R gAy bitch where

show it u cowards, that would make for a FAR more interesting character motivation than what they went with uwu magic vial

like it’s simmering under the surface but u should actually show it and not make it up for diversity points™️

pls bring back spells im begging u

this movie could have been really great and they’re just squandering so much stuff in my opinion

basically im upset and someone needs to get jk a screenwriting partner bc she tells and not shows which is gr8 for books but not for film and tv. also i think it’s time for a new director and editor bc it was kind of by the numbers and the same stuff and the franchise needs some new energy if they really wanna stretch this into 5 movies and keep going with other spin-offs and the like. they’re gonna star wars and dceu this if they aren’t careful.

#fantastic beasts #crimes of grindlewald #im sorry that im saying this #im a diehard potterhead but im not gonna pretend to like something if i think its bad #seriously this movie crushed my childhood #harry potter

[aliwept]

WARNING :     MASSIVE TOKOYAMI HC DUMP AHEAD !  part one of ..... many sldkfjds i gotta transfer a lot from old blogs

triggers:  body talk,  religions mentions,  mentions of binding, self hatred and transitioning.

BELIEFS / MOTIVATION:

tokoyami looks at becoming a hero the “wrong” way — or rather, in a way that cripples his success.he doesn’t want to become a hero in and of itself, but to help as many people as he can.

this is usually a good thing, but it is motivated by his extreme guilt and self doubt rather than pure desire, believing that that is the only way to pay for his “sins.” (i.e., the destruction or potential destruction his quirk as/could cause(d).)

he holds himself up to an extremely high standard, (it is impossible to have a totally “pure” motivation,) one of being perfect and disciplined in every way, but he consistently fails to reach that (as any human being would), making it so that he falls deeper into a circle of self-doubt and pity.

he also tends to idealize his friends for their faults, and when those difficult traits show up he gets extremely bothered, then angry at himself for his idealization, then angry for bothering them, & it escalates until he’s simply angry at himself for being what he believes to be a burden.

this is an extremely deeply rooted process, one that even daily actions contribute to, & while the source isn’t completely his parents, it is certainly reinforced by his mother’s abuse & his guilt relating to his father’s death.

PHYSICAL:

he’s not particularly muscled — well, compared to his more muscular classmates. most of his muscle is in his legs & stomach. he does not have a particular training regimen, typically unmotivated unless prompted.

unlike the majority of his classmates, because a lot of his fighting is done with dark shadow moving him (so that it’s harder to predict movements, as well as going from a large range), the majority of the time he’s not challenged physically.

against close attacks, both attacking which he uses his sword for (seen in his dorm room), when allowed. he inherited that sword from his father after his death. he also feels fatigue easily, not so much due to muscles but because of his exhaustion that is his “normal” state, given that dark shadow is nocturnal. (this & his low work ethic. he works a lot harder when training with friends.)

he doesn’t feel the need to bind more than not, given his skinny physique, with his hips being only a little bit wider than the average cis man’s.most of his scars are on his arms, self inflicted from his talons cutting into his skin. parts of his skin are covered in a gel like skin, clear to see the feathers that poke out from them, going much like arm hair down his sides. these are mostly around his shoulders.

most of the feather is underneath skin (though the skin & the feather both have no nerves), visible with the skin being mostly clear (no muscles adding color, only the natural dark pigment) with the rest of the feaher poking out at a low angle to his arm.

HABITS:

he has a diary that he writes in religiously. it’s kept in a hat box under his bed when he returns to the dorm, along with a collection he’s had since he had been able to write.

at times, in nostalgia, he’ll read through his earlier books. he also tends to doodle his classmates in them ! he’s an incredibly private person — especially because his mother ignored his privacy, refusing to let him keep secrets of any kind in ‘fear that he was hiding something’ — but also enjoys putting his thoughts into words.         

PAST:               

tokoyami was bullied due to his appearance / personality. for someone who was already uncomfortable with his body (not knowing what being trans was at that point) this became the root of deep insecurity regarding his appearance, whether it was as simple as hesitation.

he is autistic !! he stims a lot with his hands, though usually it’s in his hoodie / under his cloak, because he’s very self conscious about it.  he also has adhd: inattentive type, bpd, depression & anxiety!

fantasy verse:  he’s a witch & i will fight you on this fact. my boy loves the occult. he’s also. in generally he tends to be superstitious, & more than that enjoys different rituals! it probably won’t show up in my rp cause i honestly don’t know much about that type of thing but ! he absolutely adores things like that, not necessarily because he fully believes them but because they’re interesting & he believes that they probably stem if only in part from fact.

now im gonna add some notes here.  while he is obviously pretty strong,  he has problems with control, considering that not only does he have to react, he has to communicate those thoughts with dark shadow. speed / offense / defense obviously are enhanced w dark shadow, as well as his own abilities (he would still be able to hold his own if he couldn’t use his quirk).

as well, a lot of his stats are basically his stats + dark shadow, which obv makes them higher than they otherwise would be. he also has really high stamina and working out for a long time doesn’t really. make him tired, nor dark shadow, because dark shadow doesn’t get tired & he’s not the one doing a lot of the actual physical stuff. he’s not good w weapons tho in general. note that these are basically during the daytime w/o a huge light source so things change when it’s darker/lighter.

parents:   tokoyami’s mother had the ability to call spirits of the dead to her and talk to them, & his father’s was to house things, as in objects, so he cld like. store things inside of his body. it’s real wild.

a quirk that combined with another in tokoyami’s lineage, so one of his ancestors had the ability to shapeshift, specifically with birds & banged w someone who has a quirk similar to aizawa’s, where it basically ‘stills’ the action of .someone’s quirk, if that makes sense? so down the line people wld inherit a birds’ features, but it would switch. in his dad’s case, he got a raptors ‘arms’ & eyes.

i am here to inform you that not only is he really short, he’s also chubby! espcially as a child. while he now has muscle! :tm: ive made earlier posts about how he doesn’t have a good. regimen & shit so. yeah. just like deku, while he may be muscled, (though he’s less muscled than. most of his classmates) he still is v chubby on other parts of his body.

also ! he’s trans & he has. a large bust, which he does not bind most of the time due to fear of asphyxiation. being demiboy, he is bothered at it at times, but dislikes tight clothes as a whole (like binders). this is because he is easily overstimulated by excessive contact with his body, causing sensory overload.the exception is his neck, which his choker is a source of comfort. (though, warning, there are scars underneath that the large choker hides!)

tokoyami. will say/do something & then become embarrassed by it, after the act has already been done. he’ll fuckin melt on the spot.

tokoyami is absolutely someone to leave ppl on read. or respond w several paragraphs w ‘K.’ like. that’s just how it is. he’s lowkey an asshole in that way but he just. he has to think a lot before having a response but he gets distracted & just leaves it.

he has dark fucking brown skin !!!!! people who draw tokoyami w light skin cause he’s a ‘pale goth uwu !!!!’ are weak & will be weeded out by natural selection.

people he trains with most are ,,,  mostly kirishima, kaminari, aoyama and momo when they’re available

he’s mix of japanese, native american, and indian!

self knowledge questions:  neediness, independence, shyness.

NEEDINESS: being affirmed & nurtured by others is a central requirement for you to feel safe. this means you can be slow to warm up to other people, which is difficult because what you most need from them is their warmth. yet you know how to be vulnerable: to let down your defenses and accept that you need another person. this lack of pretense is a valuable trait, and ultimately more endearing than the macho efforts others make to deny their childlike sides.

INDEPENDENCE: you don’t set out to be different for its own sake; you are more easily guided by what interests & moves you. you are more concerned about what is right for you than about the pressure to fit in. you know the value of selective irresponsibility, of forgetting occasionally about being ‘good’.

SHYNESS: part of you is gripped by the fear that you’ll launch into something and completely mess it up. the upside of this is wise caution: people are indeed often too rash, whereas you know, by instinct, that holding back can save you. probably, you feel shame and self-disgust a bit too much. but when you do feel in your element, you act with a wisdom and sensitivity never found in people with thicker skins.

there’s an au where he’s tamaki’s half brother tamakis hmu

more ramblings cause i lov him so anw. i figure that like. if he had to have a motivator it would be an outside force but basically he’s riding on the fact that he has more physical ability because he doesn’t perform very well in studies. ( bird brain …… )

getting 14th place out of the class on midterms, he’s aware that he’s not motivated & as well as his migraines & other mental illnesses ( adhd, executive dysfunction, etc. ) this means that he doesn’t really reach his “full potential.”

he’s aware of this, though, which causes him to train physically. physically training also allows him to ( a ) feel proud of himself, something that he struggles with ( b ) help him generally, esp with dysphoria ( c ) get his mind off of other things / points of stress.

i still don’t think he’s like. as buff as shouji for example, though part of that is that he’s naturally lean ! & he has trouble motivating himself sometimes but when he stays up late ( due to dark shadow ) it basically wrecks his sleeping patterns, so this gives him something beneficial to do while also exhausting himself, which he hopes will help him fall asleep.

like i know that i said that . . he was skinny / not v muscled ( when compared to his buffer classmates, rather ) but i guess i’ve been proven wrong because it took both Buff McFuck mina and hagakure 2 push him out of the way ( not tht it took that long but that was w them straining / time skips )

so @ this point i Just Don’t Know. he got 9 in the practical which means he’s obv like ?? p good but that was the entrance exam. ( he got 10 rescue my baby !!!! im so proud of him ) & then w aizawa’s exams he started off at 5 & im tryna find the other thing what it ended up as but @ this point i’m just , pretty divided cause i’m not seeing much reason for him to learn to train w/o proper training ( & we kno that he’s not someone who was trained specially like todoroki / momo tho tht doesnt mean it’s not possible & at this point im just ) ya. he’s gotta be able but from what we know he’s not v motivated ? ausdjkfdsfjk we’ll see ig.

tokoyami is a mix of shinto (where his hero epithet comes from), taoist (due to the values), & hindu (again, values). i think for now it’s going to be some mix of that, though i’m going to do some research on shinto values since i don’t know much about it !!!!!

generally, he’s pretty superstitious, just because he knows many myths are based on facts, & the idea of ‘it doesn’t hurt to watch out for them.’ he prefers to avoid possible things that would make him have bad luck.

#dont rb or i manifest in your house n kill you /

[angelicxprowess-blog]

Heyyyyyy I kinda wanted to ask a personal question? I wanna write a character who has autism and I was wondering if you could help me? Like if you could just name some things that characterize autism to you personally that would be absolutely amazing tbh. If not that's totally cool I don't wanna pry sorry. Thanks!!

Dont worry!!! I like answering these

Okay well firstly, it does not have specific things to get a diagnoses. Me and both of my brothers are either diagnosed with ASD, or have it suspected, and while mine and the 9 year old’s is more similar, me and the 17 year old’s is completely different.

Most autistics I’ve seen prefer being called an autistic person than a person with autism but I think that's just down to preference. Autistic person is just more common.

There are many many different ways to stim. When I do it its usually cause Im happy, excited or stressed out (and sometimes I do it cause its fun). This can be either hand flapping, jumping, when Im sitting down kicking my legs in the air, hitting my leg, making noises (”ah, ah, ah”), stroking my hair and other stuff. Not a lot of people are understanding and a lot of comments are made, and sadly from what I’ve seen, a given so...

Echolalia! This is where you repeat words and phrases you hear. This can be from a song, the last thing you heard, or just anything you remember. Some autistics only communicate with echolalia, but I dont think that's very common.

Communication is hard. I struggle with working out if people are happy, sad ext just by looking at their face unless its at the extreme, and I cant pick up sarcasm when spoken very well unless I’m told its sarcasm (doesnt stop me from using it though). People can say what they think is an easy question, and I have to think about it step by step which can make it seriously confusing. For example; I know this sounds silly but I struggle with doing the washing and I ALWAYS miss steps, and I have broken down just because there was too much going on. Also sometimes, how I communicate can make things tricky for others. When I was much younger my voice was very flat and didn't have much emotion in it at all (I now make it over exaggerated) which got me into trouble a lot because people couldnt tell when I was joking, when I was being sarcastic or they thought I was always being rude. And my wording still makes things difficult sometimes for people to understand even though to me, what I’m saying is obvious. 

Sensory overload. I’m not sure if its an autism only thing but its common and is hell. This is where there is too much stimulation going on (texture, sound and all that), to the point where you just stop being able to process it all and everything goes to shit tbh. This can either cause stimming to be done while being exhausted, or a tantrum (its not funny: dont act like it is), or the complete stopping of as much sensory stuff as you can. I do a tantrum and stim at the same time which is kinda embarrassing for me.. During this I usually scratch at myself, punch myself, keep crying and screaming, (headbutt walls which hurts), bite at myself and other stuff. I have a pill to calm me down (not for autism: I have really bad anxiety that stops me from being able to leave the house a lot) which mum suggested I try using during it but it doesn't do much...

SI’s! Special Interests. Mine is Kuro which is kinda.. really obvious... This basically means that your interest in it is huge to the point where it could almost be like an obsession.. Most things I’m a fan of reminds me of Kuro is some way. Its pretty much all I draw and write about, and talk about. Also! It doesnt have to be a TV series or game thing; it can be anything. About science, songs, books, history ext ext! The stereotype is trains so.. If you’re gonna make it that please be careful cause it gets :/ They can last either a really long time, or a week. Depends on the person. Kuro has been my SI since I was 13 (5 years), but I’ve had some that only lasted a month.

Eye contact can be evil. Its either “Am I looking too much?” or “I cant look them in the eye am I being rude???”. We dont really understand the balance there...

It can make learning really really difficult if done in a way that doesnt fit you. If you just speak: I'm not gonna remember anything. And if you go too fast: Yeah still not gonna remember anything. This doesnt mean the person is not intelligent, it's just that our brain is wired differently and picks up information differently. If you leave me to learn on my own, I got named one of the top of my class. If it’s a teacher, I got told that I wasnt trying hard enough and was a waste of space (that teacher was an ass). 

Things need to be done in a certain way and if something disrupts this its Bad. I have a very specific routine in the morning and if somebody interrupts it I will not get up and will scream. If I’m reading something, I will talk to you when I want to talk to you and if you interrupt, I wont be able to continue the book from where I was and will have to start it over and will be PISSED. When cleaning everything is done in a very specific order and if you’re still in the room, I just wont do it. If we’re missing something I need, I wont do it. (I haven't cleaned my room in ages cause we dont have the hoover rn). This doesnt mean you are organised btw!! Just things gotta be done in a certain way.

One of the things I do is refer to myself in third person a lot. I’m not really sure why this is, but its like 

Friend: Are you tired..?

Me: Lizzie’s tired... She needs sleep

I know a few other autistic people who do this, so I’m pretty sure its because of that! I think some people do do it just to join it but xD But I don't think its very common so :/ Not many people use it in books or tv unless a character is playing so ;u;

Since some people think this and its... really wrong. Age regression isn't a symptom of autism. You can be autistic and regress, but it’s not a symptom. Also while its true for me and my 9 year old brother, you don't inherently act younger than your actual age, though that can be a symptom (When I was a lot younger (5-7) I had to go to a special class because of this although we didnt know what caused it then). Though since a lot of people see it has inherent, I would avoid that.

If the character acts like Sheldon Cooper from the Big Bang Theory, change them as soon as you can. (Biggest walking offensive stereotype) Ngl my favourite character that is confirmed autistic is Christian Wolff from The Accountant, although there is some stereotypes (Math being the SI, complete stoicness, also there are signs that the therapy he went to is ABA which freaked me out and him doing this thing to CAUSE an overload (Flashing Lights, way too loud metal music and scraping a metal bar up and down his leg) its pretty good!!! (Also guns and explosions)

Autism speaks is shit. Do not support that crap. They do more harm than good and act like its a disease, which its not. You cant cure it, its just how your brain is wired and there is nothing you can do about it so *shrug*. ABA is bad too and traumatises its patients (that's where they train you to act allistic (non-autistic). You’re either born with it, or you don't have it (Doesnt mean you can only be diagnosed young. You can be diagnosed at any point in life, although its easier when you’re younger. Mine keeps being put off from being finished (even though I’ve been told I am) because to the world, I’m a feminine girl and we apparently cant be autistic which is bullshit, and because I was nearly 18 (we’re gonna finish it soon).

I think this should be enough... If you need anymore please feel free to ask xD 

#text

[plantanarchy]

do you think you could talk a little about being autistic? im wondering if i might be autistic and im still not sure bc i like pass as neurotypical rlly well so far and i thought it would help to hear about actual people's experiences. you don't have to though and im sorry if this is weird!!

This has been in my inbox for a bit, I’m sorry! But yeah, I can talk about it. Keep in mind that everyone’s experience is different and its less of a “spectrum” from mild to severe/low to high functioning and more of a complex where different people have different experiences. A lot of people use functioning labels to dismiss the experience and opinions of “high functioning” folk when it comes to being autistic because tjey “don’t seem autistic” or “aren’t like those other low functioning autistic people”, but really “function” is relative and can even change day to day… on someone’s bad days they could be totally nonverbal rocking back and forth and on good days pass better at neurotypical than I do…

Ok so, I was diagnosed with Aspergers when I was ~10. I was essentially non-verbal in school and other high stress social situations and had been since I was very very young. This was interpreted as “very shy!” despite me having severe difficulty from a young age in saying anything at all to teachers, doctors, church people, even many of my peers, etc and often feeling like i was physically unable to speak but you know… because I spoke at home and with my neighborhood friends, I wasn’t considered non-verbal at all. Or I guess selective mutism is the correct term which is something I definitely still struggle with. Like when I was in middle school, I spent a few years literally being known by my mom’s friends and by some people at school as “Meep” because thata fuckin all I could physically say when somebody tried to talk to me haha

BUT ok that got away from me, point being: i was diagnosed with Aspergers at a young age which is a diagnosis that no longer exists/has been absorbed into the greater Autism diagnosis. Aspergers was separate for a long time because it was basically used to say “these kids are high functioning and different than those low functioning non communicative kids!”. Basically because I had most of the “cool and good” autism traits, my “not as cool and kinda crippling” autism traits and needs got shoved aside and essentially ignored for a long, long time. Which I think happens to a lot of kids! Even to the point of not getting a diagnosis at all or getting a wrong diagnosis and only realizing later in life what may be going on and what was missed.

Whoops before this becomes a bitter tangent, back to my experience of autism I guess. Ok, so on top of still being selectively verbal/mute (some days are worse than others and sometimes it isn’t even directly anxiety related it’s just a mostly mute day), my other symptoms include 1) it’s almost physically painful to make eye contact with anyone 2) formal social situations are beyond me, I never know what is correct or what’s coming next and usually I survive informal social situations by cracking jokes and making weird references to shit or being obnoxious and just accepting the label of “weird ass obnoxious kid but that’s just bre” 3) usually feel like I’m just two steps away from understanding what’s going on in some social situations lol like sometimes i have good intuition, can read people, can guess at what they’re thinking and then something happens that makes me question my entire interpretation of the situation and I realize maybe I wasn’t reading them correctly the whole time!!!! It’s the social equivalent of being the only one to get a wrong answer on a math problem and frantically rechecking your work lol 4) sensory overload yayyyyy when too many things happen at once (which can be like… 2 thing), I zone out and feel like my environment is unreal or blurry (fun and cool dissociation) and I can never predict what will cause that overload or when but also a lot of people have the very dramatic “autistic child screaming from sensory overload” image in their brain and thats not always accurate… my overload results in shut down 5) also along with that, I have sensory issues such as texture, sounds, etc. Certain fabrics as a kid would legit make me cry if I touched them or if my mom made me wear them (WINDBREAKERS ARE SENSORY HELL) and that still happens lol also with stuff like… chewing sounds, shoes that touch my toes in any way, loud music/bass, etc 6) along with that and with sensory overload… stimming. Stimming is basically a self-regulatory response to overwhelming stimuli and plenty of non-autistic people also do similar things when faced with high anxiety situations. Like foot jiggling, pencil tapping, nail biting, pencil chewing, etc it’s basically a soothing compulsion and not always something many autistic people can control without great effort and that control comes at the cost of not regulating anxieties or sensory overload well. I’ve got and always have had a lot of verbal/language stims and am very reptitive in my speech and writing patterns (y'all and lad anyone???) which is kinda self soothing. I have literally always had catchphrases. When im on my own i also do rock baxk and forth and other repititive body motions, also fidgeting with objects, especially cool round objects 7) catalog all the useless info in my brain!!! I can memorize information very well (not numbers though) and when I was a kiddo that got me labelled as #gifted and I was “savant” level in reading and writing but that is less cool and fun to people than beinf a math or science savant or something. 8) anyway related to that, as evidenced by this blog, I get VERY INVESTED in certain topics/ “special interests” to the point that it eclipses all other thoughts in my brain yay!!! Which isn’t a bad thing, I mean it gets me through and also if you have “good” special interests, people think you’re smart and interesting and ask your advice about stuff lol

Symptoms I don’t have that a lot of people think of when they think of an autistic person 1) I am horrendous at math I fuckin hate it numbers are the devil!!!!!! 2) 99% of my humor is sarcasm and I can understand it and figures of speech lol though sometimes i do get it wrong if i can’t read you otherwise 3) I don’t have “zero empathy”, I can feel for the plights of others VERY strongly, and can usually see any (most) POVs if it’s explained to me

There are others probably and there are certainly autistic people who have thise traits and who have different traits than I have. There are LOADS of different ways to be autistic. But also, there’s a lot of overlap between autism and between other things like ADHD, anxiety disorders, etc! So keep that in mind. Some people are strongly anti-selfdiagnosis of autism but knowing how easy it can be for kids who don’t present 100% stereotypically to slip through the cracks, I am all for it. I pass a lot of the time as neurotypical and can do most society things ok, though I have a steep learning curve compared to others… and with passing as neurotypical comes the frequent dismissal of my opinion on autism related topics and the lack of acknowledgement that actually I often DON’T pass as neurotypical and at those times my lack of passing is interpreted as rudeness, deliberate lack of effort on my part, stubbornness, lack of intelligence, lack of professionalism, an assumption that I’m angry with someone or don’t like them, etc etc. It’s an endless, awful cycle!

And I don’t really have too much personal advice for figuring out if you’re autistic or not… I did go through a point in time where despite being diagnosed I strongly denied that I was autistic and kind of had to come back to that as a near adult and realize nope… definitely autistic. And then knowing what to do with that info once youve figured it out is just… I mean there’s not much. There are little to no resources for autistic adults, very few support groups made up of autistic people and led by autistic people, very little resources directed at autistic people themselves in general, usually the focus is on the parents or guardians and talk aboit autistic people as abstract concepts… whoops, can you tell I’m bitter haha gonna end this before I go full “mental health professionals failed me and I’m a mess” etc

[purpleskiesandpaperflowers]

Daydreaming Through a Shitty Situation and The Guilt it Brings.

It was a regular day at work. I was daydreaming my way through being forced to watch “Oliver” for the fourteenth time ( Welp, as long as the resident I care for is happy) to cut a long story short, after some worrying texts and missed calls my mum finally rung back with some really scary and unexpected news.

“ Auntie J has had a stroke” 

Auntie J (full name not given to respect her privacy) Isn't actually my Aunt. She’s my godmother , my mums oldest childhood friend. we used to all be very close and I love my Auntie J very very much. she’s kind and funny and oh so generous. 

However between Disbelief and Despair I could feel myself slipping into the inner world. I needed to. Its my way of processing stuff like this. I tried my hardest to remind myself of reality first and stay in the moment for a bit. I mean technically I was at work and Auntie J was in surgery so there was absolutely nothing I could have done. Mum also tried to withhold the true severity of the stroke from me , at least until I got home the next afternoon ( I work 24 hour long shifts starting at 3pm and ending at 3pm the next day , yep I sleep in at work. staff room has its own bed , I'm there at night just in case the fire alarm goes off or something cause the dude I support wouldn't be able to understand what's going on and get himself to safety ) That's not really an important part of the story. 

Anyway , I started to slip into my inner dream world. It feels somewhat selfish and like kind of stupid that then I daydreamed that one of my parames partner had a similar thing happen to him. I don't know why I do that, its something ive always done. Bending my daydreams around the events of reality , no matter how crappy , is just how I manage I guess?

I don't really know. Im really sensitive and I get stupidly stressed easily so it just helps me distract I suppose? it also helps me figure out how im supposed to feel because to be honest ive lived in a daydream, consistently for the last 9 ish years. back when I decided that paras are a great replacement for real friends- since I didn't really have any. (bravo 11 year old Beck) 

You know I really do not know why my compulsive desire to daydream is constant and why I feel like I have to do it in these situations.

I mean its weird but aside from when your hot Polynesian boyfriend has a brain hemorrhage, I enjoy daydreaming. I’m actually in love with it. I don't think I want to stop its my safe haven. (again when someone's not having a medical emergency) 

well I actually had a bit of a thought last night about my daydreaming addiction.( you know, at 5am because why sleep when you can have an argument with yourself about why you're a terrible person and fail at destroying your brains argument with techniques you got from a CBT self help book because I’ll probably have had a stroke and died myself by the time I get to the front of the NHS waiting list.) My daydreams are a bit of an amalgamation of my “special interests” Once  again ill explain that I do not have an Autism or Asperger's diagnoses, however I have Tourette's syndrome and OCD which slaps me right under the “neurodivergent” label. Aka I twitch a lot , have a compulsive desire to daydream and if I haven't done something perfectly I've failed the world and my mum will abandon me , I frequently obsess over things  and because people with Tourette's are wired a bit differently I have some wicked Autistic tendencies such as ( can you put two lists in the same sentence its been ages since I've Englished) ; fun sensory stuff - I.e being awake half the night because I can feel the blanket touching my shoulder blade and I do not like. ; Weird obsessions with medical stuff and things like snakes and uhhh my dreamverse I guess ; and finally “SHIT WAS THAT SOCIALLY UNNACCEPTABLE OF ME TO SAY OR NOT.”  

I guess going off on an off-topic tangent also counts as “things that make Beck Neurodiverse” This blog must be ridiculously hard to follow I apologise.

yeah my dreamverse is I guess a place for me to be … me. I guess that's the other half of the reason that my daydreams went in the direction they did after Auntie J’s stroke. I mean like obviously I'm shocked devastated and upset because I love my auntie J and she must be so scared. There's also more to the story than the stroke but that's not my story to tell. Saying that, the slightly Autistic part of my brain is mesmerised at how the brain recovers , slightly smug that I remembered that thing from a level psychology about Broca’s area and the brain re- wiring itself , meaning that Auntie J has a chance of regaining her lost speech despite the fact that the dominant side of her brain was starved of oxygen for a while. Id like to be a nurse if I wasn't A. Afraid of vomit and B. was a little more academic. I mean my current job always has the chance that someone will vomit , but sadly that's life and I cant avoid everything because I'm emetophobic. I mean maybe one day ill go into veterinary medicine like I always wanted to or even nursing. but I'm kinda happy with my job idk?

Anyway , yeah , I hope someone can relate I guess. I got a laptop for Christmas which hopefully will make blogging easier for me , although I've spent the last 4 days  creating my paras in the sims 4. As much of an idea that it could be for posts and things it has also massively hindered productivity lol.

#MADD #maladaptive daydreaming #actuallymadd #coping mechanism #special interest #neurodivergent #tourettes #parame

[normal-thoughts-official]

I remember reading a fic, it was bottom Alec admittedly, but one of the things that stuck with me was how it mentioned that he didn't bottom often because it was overwhelming. Which then got me thinking about autistic Alec and sensory overload and maybe that's a thing you'd find interesting and put your own spin on? I don't know.

jsbsisnsisnssjdn i love how u guys always come to me and talk about bottom alec like it's the greatest sin you've ever partaken in udbdudndudndid really its fine, i mean its not my preference or hc but to each their own

anyway! i did like this question a lot and i tried to think a little about how autism and kink might intersect for alec specifically

tbh idk if i can give a good take on that because- im a bottom, so jdndudbdidnd. i mean of course I've topped but i think it's fundamentally different to top when thats something that you actually enjoy. like not that i dread topping and just the thought of it makes me cry or something but the pleasure i derive from it is...... way less. and more focused on the other parts of it that arent the act of topping itself

so due to that, i dont really know how topping, like, feels? if it's something that actively gets u hot and that u find enjoyable. so idk if bottoming is truly more overwhelming than topping, like. one of my partners is a Top™ and i think he gets as lost in topping as i get in bottoming, its exciting for him, just thinking about it Does Things to him you know xD and admittedly this partner in particular is a very intense person, with everything, but either way he does seem to feel topping and sex as a top and the pleasure he gets from that very intensely, so idk if it would be accurate to say that bottoming is more overwhelming. i think it depends on a lot of things, including the kind of play ur into - like if ur into denial or overstimulation and the such, definitely, but u dont necessarily are into them just because ur a bottom or even a sub (which, u know, are different things)

and my partners who are verses/switches say that it's different but not really more or less intense. just different

but definitely as a dom you get more control of the sensations, at least touch-wise (not much you can really do about noise, smell etc) so there's that. i also think that for autistic ppl theres frequently that feeling of not having a lot of control over ur life and how ur perceived, understood, etc, so domming can get particularly interesting/pleasurable in that sense. on the other hand, there's also the relief of subbing and getting clear instructions and just completely focusing on the tasks u have. or maybe that's my sub agenda. idk

either way i think being autistic wouldnt really sway anyone in either direction (being kinky or not, top or bottom, sub or dom, being into specific kinks etc) but im not an expert, maybe im wrong lol

but well, if you wanna talk specifically about autistic alec who also happens to be a dom/top and how he experiences that, a few things i think could be interesting:

domspace and hyperfocus: like because everything is so intense, the two can feel kind of similar? you know you get into domspace and it’s like, everything is so centered in the moment, but in like the best way possible? i imagine that for him reaching domspace is kind of even more intense than usual (not in a like... Lost In The Sauce way, where he can’t be aware properly, but it’s just, it’s extra good and it makes him feel grounded and present and like the noise in his head shuts up? he’s just focused on pleasuring his sub everything else kind of melts away and it’s basically just that. great intense pleasure and almost calm feeling, you know? i mean again i’m not a dom but. it’s what i imagine/have heard it feels like i guess)

sensorial issues: adjacent to last one i guess but just like reaching domspace and domming and the pleasure he derives from it kind of muffles the sensorial issues? again because he’s so focused and like, immersed in the feeling it all kind of disappears. also i mean, sex includes a lot of movement so yay to that! especially as i dom i think, if bondage for example is involved. and even if there’s like, a lot of touch and noise and stuff (again, magnus Screams) he kinda has control (again, especially as a dom) of how much stimuli there is and he gets and the fact that he derives pleasure from the noises, touches, etc kind of helps muffle them, if that makes sense? because the inside feelings overpower the outside feelings lmao and it’s like that sensation of floating and domspace and shit makes the actual physical sensations less acute sometimes. at least as a sub i do feel that way sometimes, like the pleasure gets so psychological and great i can’t really feel sensations, just the pleasure itself? so it’s like, id have to focus to be able to tell where exactly my partner is touching me, all i know is that it Feels Very Good. idk if that makes sense, it’s hard to put in words 

feeling in control: i mean i feel like alec feels like he doesn’t have a lot of control over his life (look i know that he’s now in a position of power but even then, like, he’s always having to fight the people above them, you know? and he’s questioned at every damn minute because of his relationship. and for most of his life, he was trained to be a pawn, to the clave and to his parents, and hell, he couldn’t even control who he would marry. most of the time alec is fighting tooth and nail to be listened to, he doesn’t really get easy obedience and i definitely don’t think that he feels like he has a lot of control most of the time, which is why being a dom appeals to him, too. don’t get me wrong i’m not saying he isn’t damn competent and important because if he weren’t he wouldn’t have gotten where he is right now, but he’s not really in a position where everything is in his hands. especially with how much he has to endure and swallow up in his life. i see a lot of meta that’s like “alec’s a sub because he needs to let go of the control” and stuff, and while again, to each their own, i feel like this argument doesn’t really hold up when you look at how much he has to fight to be listened to, and that’s why it’s very appealing to have someone just, obey, and feel like the world is in the palm of his hands, not slipping away? that’s a very long parenthesis. and like not that you need to have a Very Deep Psychological Reason to be into kink but usually those things are linked in some sort of way). and the fact that he’s autistic plays into this, because so much of what he feels just has to be overlooked? he’s always having so suppress and/or deal with overload and the frustration of having to follow a bunch of random social rules and expectations and speak a thousand different languages into one (like body language, facial expressions, etc) and it’s like he always has to be grabbing everything by the seams. plus, obviously, he likes routine and method and predictability. so being a dom, being in control of what happens, being obeyed, knowing exactly what will happen during the scene, having the time to plan it and flesh it out, it just feels particularly good and grounding for him?

and like again im not saying that “wow autistic people are doms” or anything, just talking about how these things might intersect in his personal experience, considering his desires and the specifics of his life, his autism and etc

idk i feel like this answer wasn’t very coherent, or interesting, or good, but it’s what i have to offer fuahfiah thank you for this question tho, it was really nice for me to think about

#ask #anonymous #sh #shadowhunters #alec lightwood #dom alec lightwood #top alec lightwood #autistic alec lightwood #malec #dirty mention #dirty words #q