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loveforsatoru · 4 months

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Loved You Then, Love You Now- Satoru Gojo x Fem Reader (Chapter 1: Zenin Clan/Meeting)

TW: drinking, abuse, blood

3/31/07:

It’s pitch black outside. You’re struggling to make your way back to the Zenin estate. You’re coming back from a mission, one that was too difficult for you to handle as a grade 2 sorcerer yet you were forced to go regardless of that.

Growing up in a place as wretched as the Zenin Clan is already draining on its own, but being the sister of Naoya Zenin makes it even worse on top of the fact that you’re not a typical sorcerer. You specialize in the areas of RCT healing and martial arts. But what sets you aside from other healers is you’re able to regenerate larger parts of the body in a shorter amount of time. So naturally, you’re not qualified enough to be sent on missions meant for grades 1 or higher.

The mission went horribly. It was a semi grade 1 cursed spirit lurking in a nearby hospital. You took multiple blows, almost losing consciousness a few times. The only reason you managed to make it out was because you put every last ounce of strength and willpower into a single hit.

You’re almost crawling back to the estate, nearly falling to the ground from how much blood you’re losing, buckets of red staining the surface beneath you. There are numerous open wounds and multiple fractured bones. You’ve used RCT to heal minor injuries, but you’re losing an impeccable amount of blood with a large gash across your stomach, making it difficult to concentrate on healing yourself.

You’re hoping that nobody’s awake at the moment. You would never be able to live this down. You’re already belittled every day by the horrid men you’ve been forced to be around for the last 17 years. Thankfully, your father, Naobito allowed you to enroll to Jujutsu Tech after months of begging. You leave tomorrow.

Much to your demise, the lights in the large mansion are on and shuffling can be heard from the inside.

Your body can’t handle it anymore, you’re starting to see specks of white. Nothing feels real. You can’t even feel the clothes on your body anymore, only the blood soaking through them. You collapse on the grass, lying in a pool of your own blood.

The door is swung open and a voice you know and dread all too well hits your ears.

“You can’t take one simple fucking cursed spirit? You really are useless. I should’ve killed you the moment mom gave birth to you.” That voice only made you shake in fear. You could recognize it from miles away as none other than your nefarious older brother.

You can’t spout back a response, only coughing up blood. His degradation is humiliating. Your heart gets heavier with every word that leaves his mouth. He never fails to make you question your ability as a sorcerer.

He begins walking down the stairs, closer to where you are.

Each sound of his feet slapping against the concrete makes your blood run cold.

No, no, no ,no.

That’s the only thing running through your mind.

“Look at you. Nearly passed out like the weak bitch you are. You're good for nothing. You won’t make it out there.” His tone is piercing, full of disappointment and mockery. He finds it pathetic how hard you try again and again to prove yourself.

He kneels in front of you and grabs an angry fistful of your hair, yanking your head up. You can feel your brain banging against the side of your skull, causing you to groan out in pain.

He’s looking at you with nothing but hatred. He sees you as lower than scum, worthless with no purpose. To him, you’re just a waste of space.

“How can you call yourself a healer but can’t even save yourself? How will you save others? One day, you’ll watch the most important person in your life die right in front of you and it’ll be all your fault. Nobody told you to be fucking useless.”

He spits in your face and slams your head down on the ground which sends a painful shock throughout your entire body.

“Stop, Naoya! Stop it!” Your vocal cords feel like they’re tearing. It’s the first and last thing you’re able to scream at him before coughing up more blood, nearly throwing up your insides.

He releases his grip on your hair and stands up. For a moment, you begin to think he’s finally done tormenting you, but you couldn’t be more wrong. This wasn’t enough for him. He wants to see your soul crush and wither in front of his eyes.

He stares at your helpless body, about to beg him for help because you’re desperate to make it out of this alive, but he doesn’t care.

“Don’t open your mouth. Nobody’s going to help you. When will you realize you’re not wanted by anyone here? You’re lucky dad is sending you off to that stupid jujutsu school. He probably just wants to get rid of you. The only thing you can do is cook and fold laundry. Even so, you still don’t know your place in the clan or the world. You’re a woman. That’s all you’ll ever be. You won’t be desired for who you are because you're nobody. If you get lucky, a man might keep you around as a house pet to do his chores.”

Disgust, hatred, disappointment, anger.

They’re the only things he’s ever spoken to you with ever since you were little. The older you grew, the more he resented you. The slaps and pinches turned into kicks and blows to the face, smashing your head against the wall whenever he got the chance.

You can’t do anything but stare right back up at him, barely being able to make out the scowled expression on his face due to your hazy vision. Tears spill from your eyes, mixing with the dirt smeared on your cheeks.

He kicks you once.

Twice.

Three times.

Stepping on your broken ribs, he watches your face contort into one of pure pain and misery, unable to cry or shout because your throat is filled with nothing but blood.

“You’d better have your shit packed. I want you out of the house by noon sharp tomorrow. If you aren’t, I’ll make sure the rest of your life is a living hell.” He walks away, slamming the door of the estate, leaving you to rot outside.

He means his words and you know it. There isn’t an ounce of a lie in there.

Your body feels sore all over. There are stabbing sensations, burning, and aches in every part of you. You almost feel disappointed in yourself. Maybe he’s right. Maybe you are useless. Look at you, dissolving in your blood, sweat, and tears.

You push your feeble body off the ground and crawl towards the stairs. Every limb in your body is screaming at you to stop and lay down, but you refuse.

…

After an agonizing 10 minutes, you get to the door. You reach up towards the doorknob and twist it open with your nimble fingers. Instantly, you’re hit with the smell of alcohol. It makes you nauseous and your nose twitches at the strong scent.

You look to your side to find your dad knocked out. There’s beer bottles everywhere, some of it spilling on the floor. He never changes. You doubt he ever will.

You wonder if Naoya’s right. Is your dad sending you to Jujutsu Tech for the sole purpose of getting rid of you? He never particularly expressed any hatred towards you, but he wasn’t there for you either. Everytime Naoya would torment you, your father would simply watch with empty eyes, like the sight of his young daughter being tossed around by her older brother didn’t bother him. Maybe it didn’t. Maybe he was too drunk out of his mind to care. Maybe he just didn’t love you. Naoya is the one he cares about, not you.

Sometimes you wish you could be loved by others too.

Am I unlovable?

You’ve been asking yourself that for as long as you can remember.

You were getting lost in your thoughts, staring at the sight of your passed out drunk father, silently asking him to love you until a sharp pain was felt in your abdomen. You wince out in pain and have to hold back the scream bubbling in your throat.

You’re still laying on the floor in a crawling position when you look back and see the trail of blood from the front door to where you are in the living room.

The sight makes you dizzy, you had never seen or lost so much blood.

You try as hard as you can to make it to the bathroom and when you do, it’s like a weight has been lifted off your shoulders.

You lean into the bathtub, turning the water on before stripping off your blood soaked clothes. You could wring it out and it’d be enough to fill gallons.

You look in the mirror and examine your body. A gash across your stomach, black eye, bruised lip, cuts and scabs make its way from your head to your toes. You look almost unrecognizable, a whole new person. You’d prefer it if you were. You want to be anyone but yourself right now. It’s pitiful in the worst way possible.

The entire estate is silent, everyone’s asleep. The only sound heard is the water filling up the tub.

The moonlight directly hits the bathroom window, shining down on your body and highlighting the things you wish you could erase.

The scar Naoya left on your body all those years ago won’t go away no matter how hard you try to remove it from both your body and your memory. It’s imprinted into your skin, a sign of weakness and a constant reminder that your brother never has and never will love you.

*Flashback*

It was the summer of 1995. You were 5 years old, Naoya was 14.

It was hot, too hot to stay inside all day. The sun was shining brightly, illuminating the usually dark mansion. Summer was your favorite season, but now you think, no, you’re sure it’s your least.

Being the naive 5 year old you were, you had the idea to ask your “beloved” older brother to spend some time with you. Nobody else gave you attention. Who in the Zenin Clan would pay attention to the little girl who couldn’t do anything besides heal a couple cuts and small animals? You were too young and dumb to realize Naoya thought the same way.

“Naoya! Naoya! Let’s go play outside!” You eagerly opened his door to find him lying in bed, air conditioner set to the max whilst he aimlessly read a book on how to get stronger.

“No, you’re annoying. Go away.” His response was plain and blunt, but being as persistent as ever, you didn’t give up. You were dying to spend time with someone, talk to someone who wasn’t yourself.

“Please, please, please! It’s so hot outside! We can play with water balloons!”

Your whining and feet stopping on the wooden floor almost made a vein pop out of his head. Everything you did irked him.

“No! Stop talking to me! Go find something else to do with your pathetic life instead of bothering me! Make some fake food in the kitchen. It’s all you’re decent at.”

You grumble and walk further into his room, trying to find a way to get him to change his mind.

He glares at you, unwilling to cooperate or put up with this any longer.

Your stupid big eyes, and short h/c hair that barely passed your shoulders, unknowing to all the shit people said about you to your face and behind your back. You were only a kid, but that didn’t stop them. In their book, if you weren’t strong from birth and/or lacked a “real” cursed technique, you were useless. You, unfortunately fit into those categories.

You were clueless, only staring back at those who dehumanized you with a smile on your face, happy that you were receiving some sort of attention even if it was negative.

You had a doll in one hand and a teacup in the other. You were more than likely playing by yourself in your room before barging into his.

“What are you doing?” He asks, but you don’t respond. You were now sitting on his bed, stirring up a way to convince him into going with you. Bribery? Annoyance? Whining? Nothing would work on him. He was dead set on keeping you away from him as far as possible. So far, he wouldn’t be able to sense your presence within a 15 mile radius.

“Who said you could sit on my bed? Get the hell off!” He pushes you with his foot with enough force to knock you off, landing straight on the floor.

You let out a “hmph” and climb back on, arms folded over your chest.

“Why won’t you just play with me? I wouldn’t be sitting on your bed if you did.” You whined, a big pout replacing your previous expression.

“Because I hate you.” He said the words so casually, his eyes boring into your soul.

You blinked at him, unfamiliar with the newfound feeling of dread and sadness. Instead of just smiling back like you normally would, you began to cry. Fat tears rolled down your cheeks, landing onto his bed. Hearing those words come from him hurt more than it did from anyone else. You knew what the word “hate” meant, and having it thrown at you by the one you looked up to most hurt your small, fragile heart.

He didn’t console you, nor did he apologize. Instead, He grabbed your arm and pinched you with all his might, the flesh instantly bruising.

You only continued to cry more, dropping your things on the ground, the teacup shattering as water spilled out and onto his bedroom floor. It made him angrier. He pushed you out of his room and into a glass table in the dining room, shoving you into it. The table broke on impact from the amount of sheer force he was handling you with. A piece got stuck in the area where he pinched you. Blood trickled down your arm as your cries turned into wails. You sat on the floor, surrounded by glass as your high pitched voice could be heard throughout the entire estate, but nobody came to check on you. They didn’t care enough to do so.

You were looking up at Naoya, clutching your arm, expecting an apology, but it never came. He landed a harsh slap across your face before going back into his room.

You sat in disbelief. It was the most hurtful thing anyone did to you.

*End Flashback*

And here you stood, 12 years later, examining that same mark that’s forever ingrained into you.

You hate it, you hate this life, you hate it here, you hate Naoya.

You wish you could crawl out of your skin and bury yourself away in a hole.

The more you look at your face in the mirror, the more distorted your reflection becomes. You’ve lost complete sense of yourself. Who even are you? Can you call yourself a sorcerer? When was the last time you saved someone? Will this twisted fate of being unable to help those around you follow you throughout your life?

You have no one to go to, no one to confide in, no one to open up to. It’s been like this your whole existence. You, alone, isolated. You hope this won’t last forever. You’ll get on your knees and beg the Heavens above to give you some sort of mercy if you have to. Take away your suffering, your pain, the thoughts that consume you entirely from the moment you wake up to the moment you fall asleep. You deserve to get what you want. You crave and desire genuine connection. Someone to love and someone to love you back just as much or maybe even more.

Haven’t you been through enough?

…

You hastily step inside the bathtub, watching as the water turns a shade of red due to the blood seeping from your body.

You skin into the warm water, slightly hissing at the feeling, but your muscles immediately loosen. You let the water envelope you, your head being the only thing above it.

You trace your fingers over the cuts, some deeper than others. Slowly, you gently run the palm of your hand over your injuries, using RCT to heal yourself.

Negative energy, multiply that against itself, resulting in positive energy. Reverse cursed technique, something not many sorcerers can do. It’s a blessing and a curse.

You stare up at the bathroom ceiling, letting your mind wander to what your life will turn out to be like once you finally make it to Jujutsu Tech tomorrow afternoon. Anything would surely be better than the life you’re currently living.

…

You finish taking your bath, making sure to wash away every grime collected on your body. Quietly, you step out of the shower and dry yourself off before making your way to your room, tip-toeing so as to not wake anyone up. Your dad is still slumped over the kitchen counter and everyone else is in their respective rooms. It’s a miracle nobody had gotten up.

Your room is the furthest down the estate, a deliberate decision made by Naoya to continue your suffrage in the most mundane ways possible.

Water droplets slide down your body, making contact with the floor.

Drip

It was as if any miniscule noise would cause the estate to crumble into nothing.

You pull open the creaky door and hurry inside, quickly closing it. You walk over to your bed and toss your body onto it. A breath of relief escapes your lips the second you make contact with the soft mattress.

You get under the covers, not bothering to fully dry yourself off before drifting into a deep sleep, hoping for a better tomorrow.

4/1/07:

It’s currently 4:36am, the sun is barely out yet. You made sure to get up bright and early in order to catch the first train and to avoid bumping into any of the other Zenin’s.

You’re already dressed, wearing the uniform that came in the mail not too long ago. A perfect fit. Your suitcase is packed and ready to go. You’ve never been happier. It’s the first time in a while you’ve found excitement in your days.

You say goodbye to your room, parting ways with the place you spent most of your time in. Playing dolls, watching movies, talking to yourself, consoling yourself as you cried time and time again.

It’s bittersweet.

But you suck up a breath and make your way out, going down the hall.

All the doors are shut, indicating that everyone is still asleep.

Besides your father who’s waiting at the front door. You can’t decipher the expression on his face. He doesn’t look angry, drunk, or annoyed.

You stand across from him, not knowing what to say. For a second, you’re worried he’s going to stop you from leaving.

You open your mouth, ready to argue with all your might, but his next words surprise you.

“Good luck.” They’re simple, but speak volumes.

Growing up, you didn’t speak much to your dad. He was either busy or drunk. It didn’t leave much opening to communicate with him. It’s not like he wanted to either. Sometimes, it seemed he’d intentionally avoid you like you were some sort of plague that would infect him if he got too close.

So, standing here, face to face with the man who failed you as a father while he tells you good luck with your new life means more than he’ll know.

You nod, a small smile creeping onto your face as your eyes crinkle the tiniest bit.

He takes a step towards you, patting your shoulder and moving aside from the door, giving you the green light to go on and find yourself in the new world, one where you won’t be abused, belittled, or doubted.

And so you do, running out the door and officially leaving everything in the past.

You take one last look behind you, watching as the scenery gets smaller and smaller, fading away into the distance. One you hope you won’t ever have to come back to.

Your smile grows wider as the sounds of the wheels on your luggage rolling against the concrete fills your ears. Another reminder that this is reality and not a dream you’ll have to eventually wake up from.

You navigate the streets of Tokyo, not as busy as they normally would be due to your early rising.

You head towards the train station, waiting for the train to arrive.

To get from Koganei to Jujutsu Tech takes about 2 hours. Despite both locations being in Tokyo, you’ve heard the school is in the far outskirts, surrounded by trees and mountains.

The thought of it all is enough to make your adrenaline rush and heart pump with anticipation.

…

After impatiently waiting for 30 minutes, the train finally arrives and you’re the first to get on, grabbing a seat in the far back of the train.

It’s pretty much empty aside from 2 boys wearing the same uniform who look to be about a year younger than you. One had blonde hair, keeping a stoic demeanor while the other was the complete opposite. Brown hair with the widest smile as he rambles on to the other boy.

You pay no mind, not wanting to eavesdrop on their conversation.

Instead, you put in your headphones and decide to listen to music on the way there. There’s not much else to do.

…

The train is silent for the most part aside from the occasional blabber and laughter coming from the brown haired boy from earlier. You could hear him through your headphones, but you couldn’t be bothered since you were nearly dozing off, eyelids threatening to shut. You didn’t get much sleep last night. Three hours at most.

Right when you fully slumped against the seat, taking in a breath and closing your eyes, you felt something or rather, someone poking you.

You take out an earbud and to no surprise, it’s the same boy. He’s made himself comfortable next to you while the blonde one reads a book, seemingly wanting to be left in peace.

“Hi!” He beams, his cheery voice echoing throughout the train.

“Hello?” You reply, slightly confused at his antics.

“I noticed we’re heading to the same place and was wondering if you wanted to sit with us! My name is Yu Haibara and that one over there is Nanami! But he’s rather grumpy today.” He leaned in closer and whispered the last part, thinking he was being discrete, but even his whispers were loud and full of energy, earning a groan from the blonde who you’ve discovered goes by Nanami.

You let out a chuckle at his excitement to be talking to a stranger on a train.

“My name's y/n.” You smile and hold out your hand which he happily shakes.

“Cool! What year are you going into?”

“Third.” You reply, holding up a 3 with your fingers.

“Aw, that's a bummer. We’re first years.” You watch as his expression quickly falls into a frown, disappointed that he won’t be in the same grade as the pretty girl he met only 5 minutes ago.

“It’s okay, I’m sure we’ll see each other around!” You give him a thumbs up in which he blushes and reciprocates. Nanami pays no attention to either of you, immersed in whatever he’s reading.

The train suddenly comes to a stop and you look out the window, your eyes glimmering at the sight. It’s beautiful. You’ve never seen trees this green or mountains this huge. It’s not like you ever went outside the central city anyway unless it were for a mission. Even then, nothing compared to this.

You hurriedly rush out of the train and Haibara follows fast behind while Nanami takes his time.

“Wow! This is great! But how do we get to the school building?” You ask, confusion laced in your tone. Is there another bus?

“Hmmm, I don’t know. Maybe we’re supposed to wait down here until a teacher gets us?”

You both stand there like idiots, hands on your hips as you examine the unfamiliar area, pondering on how you’re possibly going to get to your desired destination.

Nanami sighs and rolls his eyes, in disbelief at how two teenagers could be so senseless.

“We clearly have to walk up it.”

You and Haibara let out dramatic gasps, hands slapped over your foreheads.

“Are you kidding me?!” You’re exasperated. You figured that coming to a fancy, rich, Jujutsu Tech school meant you’d have some sort of transportation to get up there.

“Yeah, that’s way too much!” Haibara pouts and crosses his arms over his chest, but Nanami is already too far ahead to hear either of you complain. He thinks he’s gonna die if he has to listen to you two talk any longer.

You and Haibara both give each other a look, shaking your heads in disappointment before following behind Nanami, running as fast as you can before he gets too far ahead. You’d definitely lose yourself trying to get around this place.

…

You and Haibara are practically panting the more you walk up the bone killing mountains while Nanami barely breaks a sweat.

“How is he able to be so composed?” You ask yourself.

Thankfully, the three of you made it after not much longer. Your jaw drops at how nice the campus is. It’s even better than you could've imagine.

Gawking over the gorgeous architecture, you see three other students out in the distance. Haibara wastes no time running up to them, introducing himself like he did with you.

You quietly follow him, curious to meet the other students.

There’s a girl with short brown hair and a cigarette in between her lips, a beauty mark nicely decorates her cheek. She’s talking to two other boys who seem to be arguing over something.

“I'm saying you need to be more humble and polite. You haven’t even greeted the new students yet.” The quiet voice came from one of the two boys. He has sleek black hair and a liquid smooth tone.

“Huh?! What are you talking about? Let loose a little. It won't kill you.”

The moment you look up to see who was speaking, heat rushes into your cheeks. Fluffy white hair, the most sparkling blue eyes, a jaw sharp enough to cut paper and beautifully striking features. His eyes are so captivating. It’s like you’re standing in the presence of an angel.

“Hello? Helloooo?” The white haired boy is directly in front of your face, leaning down to make direct eye level contact with you.

“Are you there? Cat got your tongue?” He teases before stepping back, giving you some room to breathe.

“I’m sorry. I’m just a little nervous.” You breathe out, a shaky chuckle escaping your lips.

“Nervous, yeah? Why?” The same one replies, taking out a piece of chocolate from his pocket and plopping it in his mouth.

The black haired boy chimes in. “Don’t listen to him. There’s no need to be nervous. I’m assuming you’re a first year?"

“No.. I’m a third year.” You stammer over your words, nearly choking on your own saliva. You were never the type to get butterflies around guys, but this is unreal.

You watch as both men quirk their eyebrows, surprised at your answer.

“Third year? That means you’re with us. I’m Suguru, this is Satoru, and she’s Shoko.” What an attractive friend group. It seems like they’ve known each other for a while.

“I’m y/n..”

“Y/n. A pretty name for an even prettier girl. Since it’s your first time here, we’ll give you a tour.” Satoru says, giving you a wink as his lips curl into a charming smirk.

You look around and see that Haibara’s nowhere to be found. You were at least comfortable with him. Now, you’re stuck with people you can hardly speak around, including a freakishly handsome blue eyed boy who, unknowingly to you, has had his sights on you from the moment you made your way up the mountain.

Little does he know, his best friend has the same intentions.

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