#They dont want to do (chores etc etc) and im like... Uh... Ok but i feel too guilty to even play video games which is my hobby and when i do

[celestial-citrus]

ok so that sounds totally rad but unfortunately even though I love viddy games I am terrible at all of them and ive heard hk is SUPER hard so I'd probs die too much to get to the cool story 😂

ouuughh yea it's pretty hard. people who do no-hit or no death runs terrify me. i dont think im ever gonna try steel soul. (steel soul is like hardcore mode, one life permadeath deal)

well, any other lore i can think of is: before she went into her deep sleep, one of the three "dreamers" i mentioned before said she would only do it if he gave her a child, so PK and her had the one character hornet together. (she's the pointy one with the pinkish red cloak) so she's half sibs with ghost (the tiny dude you play as) and the hollow knight (the really tall pointy one).

there's another character you run into every so often named quirrel. he's very inquisitive and friendly, but he's still skilled with a nail. (nails are the weapons most of the bugs seem to use, you get to upgrade yours throughout the game.) he was the apprentice to one of the other dreamers monomon she was like a knowledge keeper of sorts. he wandered out of the kingdom and lost his memory (as all bugs do apparently when they leave hallownest) and he came back later and you meet him.

my favorite place in the whole game is the city of tears, the music and the whole vibe is so melancholy and sad? like that's a huge reason i love the game, the worlds already over and everything is empty and gone. you only see and hear echoes of what used to be. :\ the city is raining perpetually and it's a deep shade of blue, the architecture is pretty too.

i like to stand in front of the statue and listen. it's very peaceful. i have the top pic as my lock screen.

bro idk the game gets me so emotional, it like touches a specific part of my soul. it's beautiful. (id highly suggest listening to the whole soundtrack on spotify or whatever platform you use. ive joked w myself if my story ever got some sort of adaption id like christopher larkin to score it. lolol as if)

one part of the game i haven't really done is the pantheon of hallownest, it's like... you fight the bosses you already have again but... worse. and harder. also the path of pain, it's a really difficult platforming uh, puzzle/map i guess. you get a special cutscene when you complete it. i haven't gotten far at all in it. 🥲 i really want to complete it though.

the bosses are pretty difficult, but once you really get the pattern down pat and get a set of charms you like to work with, it's a lot more tolerable. speaking of that, you can acquire these things called charms which give/boost certiain abilities. you have a limited amount of "charm notches" to fill. i think the ones i like best are quickslash (well, makes your nail quicker), weaversong (gives you little weaver ((spider)) buddies who can damage enemies for you, and sharp shadow. (you gain the ability to dash through things, and equipping this charm makes it so you can damage them too.)

my first round playing HK was a disaster because i have never really played these kind of platform-y boss fight games before. just getting out of the first tiny area in the flipping game was a chore. but then i worked my way up and have beaten one of the hardest bosses twice, so thats... good. i suppose..

oh another thing i should mention if you have options in the game for different endings, depending on the things you pick up, enemies you defeat, and how you fight HK at the 'end' of the game. there's technically like, six endings in total? like you can either kill HK and absorb the infection yourself, enter HK's mind and kill the radiance, have hornet assist you in killing HK and getting you both sealed inside- etc etc.

one sad little part of the game is on one area, the crystal caverns, you meet this little miner bug myla. she sings to herself while she mines, but visiting her over time as the game goes you can see her getting taken over by the infection until eventually at one point she attacks you and you have to kill her :(

one challenge you can do is this pkace called the colosseum of fools. its has 3,,, uhh,, levels i guess you can do. i've only done the first 2, ive always gotten overwhelmed right before the end of the third one. you get geo (hallownest's currency) and some other rewards, like a piece of pale ore you need to upgrade your nail. it's basically wave of enemies and the terrain changes to make things difficult, like having you jump on platforms and putting spikes on the ground.

anywho, a really good person to watch on youtube is mossbag, he does a lot of lore videos, and there's a mod called hollow knight randomizer which is reallllyy funny to me. i'm probably forgetting a lot too lololol

thanks for asking me about stuff 🥺💗

#ask #hk

[mrfoox]

'so what would you like to do (as work)? If you could get to do anything, without anything holding you back?'

Me, sweating bc I haven't dreamt of a job since I was 7 and wanted to be a dentist: haha

#miranda talking shit #My therapist really is trying but honey... I havent decided if i want to be alive yet.... #'uh... Nothing ... My solve reason id ever work would be from guilt and necessity. I have nothing id want to do. I dont WANT to finish #High school but it is basically an requirement for any low paying job here so its basically a given... I myself have no want or drive to #Work or study (: (i can barely force myself to do things i enjoy and struggle greatly with basic things like food exercise and balance irl)' #First time ive ever admitted i dont actually WANT to do anything lmao... Every offical person and even my mom i just say i guess i want to #Finish high school.... Just so they get some answer and think a little more of me lol #The older i get the more honest im becoming and the more depressing my existence is.... #'miranda you have on paper by doctors that you are depressed and too sick to work and is allowed to be home . Its not something you should #Be ashamed for. Youre not doing anything wrong its just how it is right now. You have the right to do that ' haha... Ok but we both know im #Hogging tax payers money and should have been eliminated long ago but okay haha #Mentioned like... Another type of therapy where one goes out to do things they want to do and then will be able to get energy to do things #They dont want to do (chores etc etc) and im like... Uh... Ok but i feel too guilty to even play video games which is my hobby and when i do #I kinda just feel guilty instead of enjoying it uh... But ...... Uh.... Yeah #Everything just tires me. Like the idea of some kind of work or even just events to go out of the house just sounds exhausting #Like that would be like the school environment which i have always struggled with! Even if school had no grades and was all just a place kid #Went to hang out I'd not want to go. Id be uncomfortable and still feel like shit. Less like shit but still shit? #And its hard to explain to people bc theyre like ah yes you struggle with the expectations set on you only i see #Like naw dawg i have to perform socially and be in an uncomfortable environment for 6+ hours and have to be on guard every minute #Among 95% of people i dont like or want to be around AND THEN forced to work and concentrate and shit #The situation in itself is just . .. Awful. I never did great in school but i still passed with at least E-D in all subjects... And that #I did without like... Doing any research or homework one need to 'study' for... Because i tried it for one period and none of my teachers #Seemed to notice it and i didn't do better so like... Why spend 90% more of your mental energy if the end results is still the same as when #You just swing it? Im not smart and im sure i could 'do better' and manage something if i actually wanted to do it or someone helped me #But like that ship has sailed. I got way off track and lost my point but uh i just ... Hate the social aspect of school and since our sociey #Is mostly built in that way unless you work at some small business or such its uh... I cant see myself ever enjoying working... #Negative

[cattles-bians]

exes au part 15

post directory

em: viola teas i am like. incapable of sleeping in

em: i woke up 10:30 on the dot and i thought. what the fuck

em: 10:30 is especially offensive bc it means the mcdonald’s breakfast is done

obsetress: brain immediately said viola up and about doing all the chores vacuuming with no sympathy for her constantly sleeping in snoring girlfriend dani clayton

obsetress: but nah i'm sorry for you that sucks

em: inspiring deranged viola behaviour is

em: the greatest gift of all

obsetress: god so true when u think about it

obsetress: not that viola vacuums, she def has cleaners but

obsetress: actually no

obsetress: she has cleaners but she's prob not satisfied and gets out her expensive vacuum she has no idea how to use and is clattering n making such a fuss

obsetress: and poor dani

em: she’s up and about rearranging things, she’s causing a ruckus,

obsetress: dani's like "you have just as bad insomnia as me and you're just... getting up? that early?"

obsetress: viola shrugs "i don't need that much sleep"

obsetress: "you do, though"

obsetress: she shrugs and disappears into the kitchen

obsetress: insomniac gf and insomniac gf

em: insomnia gfs

em: viola runs on like

em: supernatural element carrying over: viola is a little too good at running on no sleep and no one knows if she ages

obsetress: YEAH

em: i love a sorta, grounded real life show w like one or two unexplained ambiguously supernatural things that no one blinks at

obsetress: i was gonna be like

obsetress: i wonder what dani and viola do when theyre up not sleeping at night and then i was like

obsetress: Well,

obsetress: no they do that but they also do the most random borderline unhinged shit like

obsetress: dani tries new baking recipes and they sit on the countertop in their pjs or underwear or nothing and eat scones at three am

em: go for night drives

em: night drives aren’t even unhinged but they’re nice

em: but they don’t listen to music they listen to fucken podcasts

obsetress: that fuckin lorde song

[em note: it's supercut]

obsetress: they go to the roof and dani lays her head in viola's lap and stares at the stars while viola reads to her in french

obsetress: ugh i put it on oh god why did i put it on

[em note: it's still supercut]

obsetress: in my head.........

obsetress: i do everything right............

obsetress: when you call............

obsetress: i'll forgive and not fight.............

obsetress: ours are the moments.........i play in the dark OH MY GOD VI'S INSOMNIA AFTER DANI LEAVES AND SHES ALONE

em: ur a MONSTER

obsetress: i need to lay on the floor and put this song on repeat

obsetress: anyway um

obsetress: another thought from when i was thinking about the vacuum like

obsetress: viola has a degree of learned helplessness that all rich people have but she's not an idiot like the rest of them yknow and i think like

obsetress: she had to do a lot when she and perdita were kids!

obsetress: after her mom died

em: hannah......

obsetress: and then after her dad died before she married arthur and like

obsetress: then being a single mom (viola lloyd single mom i'm drooling) even w all the help she can afford

obsetress: she has a chip on her shoulder and Does Things For Herself but also just

obsetress: sometimes it happens! there's never enough time and never enough help!

obsetress: and she loves isabel so much like

obsetress: viola making isabel her lunches

obsetress: oh god

em: making her little lunches at like 2am bc it’s been a busy day and she’s tired and she’s sore and she’s sad but the one thing viola will never skip is like

em: making sure isabel gets her lunches

em: hey what is wrong with us

obsetress: GOD YEAH

obsetress: EXACTLY

obsetress: HOW DID YOU KNOW I WAS THINKING ABOUT HER MAKING THEM AT TWO AM UGH

obsetress: anyway um yeah viola making isabel her lunches at two am

obsetress: i know that i wrote jamie leaving flora notes on her napkins but like

[em note: read 'and she taught me a lesson alright']

obsetress: i just think it's something a mom who really loves her kid and wants them to feel safe and okay would do so i want to say vi does it for isabel too!!! and what of it they're different universes it's fine

em: ur just building the hannah obsetress cinematic universe

em: building up some Themes and Motifs

obsetress: themes motifs and symbols

obsetress: anyway viola packing isabels lunches she writes little notes and puts on lipstick n kisses them

obsetress: so isabel can get a kiss from her mom

em: im going to kill u w my bare hands

obsetress: cut to vi in the bathroom wiping it off later à la jennifer check

em: im GONNA

obsetress: sometimes when vi has to go out of town for business or w/e she leaves a stack of napkins with arthur to put in isabel's lunch so she can still get a kiss from her mom even when she's gone

em: thats so extra??

em: its so viola

obsetress: exactly

obsetress: she definitely has a fear of isabel favoring arthur over her (abandonment issues etc etc)

obsetress: gestures at canon

—-

em: dani 'its casual' taylor

obsetress: leave the typo

obsetress: dont you dare change it

em: i need u to know that i DO fuck but

em: hgfngjkyhGJBJKFHD FUCK

em: ruined my own joke

obsetress: in the most spectacular way

em: dani 'i need you to know i DO fuck but im accepting offers' clayton

obsetress: she takes care to drop that like

obsetress: it's just casual SHE'S not anything serious. i'm not dating HER or anything

obsetress: jamie's like dani i know you're gay you literally stare at my lips every time i talk

em: dani getting off the phone and dramatically rolling her eyes like 'ex girlfriends, am i right? whats up with these women i-' and jamies like love i get it

obsetress: jamie raising her eyebrows "how many ex girlfriends do you have"

obsetress: dani's like "well, just the one, but"

em: but i COULD have more. if i wanted to. bc i am looking to date more women

em: jamies like ok cool

obsetress: jamie, a little too casually: oh? any, uh. prospects?

em: danis like (patented nervous dani lip bite) maybe but

em: jamies like drat

em: jamies like darn

em: and then she gets home and shes like

em: wait

obsetress: jamie calling dani back "when you said maybe"

obsetress: and dani immediately is like yEAH?

em: jamies like do you think you could ever be interested in me and danis like umm. yeah.

em: jamie hangs up like ok cool

em: long beat

obsetress: oh my GOD

em: REDIALS

---

obsetress: ok last thing i was gonna say

obsetress: i meant to say this earlier and got distracted a hundred times over

obsetress: but um imagine dani helping isabel with her english homework

obsetress: vi helping isabel with her math homework

em: ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

em: SOFT

obsetress: well,

em: oh no

obsetress: isabel needing help w her english homework post dani and vi's trying to help and vi's smart n all but

em: get HELP

---

em: dani 'hooking up w my ex is actually a v girlboss of me' is SO funny to me

em: when they get together danis like, oh but havent we all- and jamies like nooo i have very good boundaries

em: except for the perdi vi psychosexual power play ig

obsetress: moment of weakness

obsetress: who wouldn't want to hook up w their hot boss

—

obsetress: when dani goes up to london whatever weekend like friday night to get her closure dinner with vi

obsetress: boom haircut and therapy reveal

em: 3 day bender u say

obsetress: all of a sudden it's sunday night and

obsetress: YEAH

obsetress: they spend

obsetress: all fucking weekend

obsetress: in vi's bed

em: sighs dreamily

obsetress: dani playing with her hair

obsetress: "this is nice"

obsetress: "i'm gonna miss your bun though"

obsetress: vi's brain is short circuiting at "i'm gonna miss"

em: later danis like look. jamie. what would you have done? and jamie chokes on her beer and splutters 'not fuck my ex for 3 days straight?!'

obsetress: dani "well you've never fucked v–– oh wait"

obsetress: "you really can't blame me, jamie, you KNOW" jamie: (grumbles)its different... dani: well i mean i guess, technically, you didnt,

obsetress: unrelated in some bad fight at the end vi is like "you can't go isabel needs a–– you're like her–––" and dani's like "a what? say it" and viola's too stubborn and proud and hurt to say it

em: just perpetually bouncing back to the worlds angstiest break up

obsetress: i don't know WHY

obsetress: as someone who HATES ANGST

obsetress: i am so DRAWN to these two

em: its ummmm weirdly cathartic??

em: the whole exes au is based on a joke about them being friends and exes. we are v firm in like. viola and dani reconcile!

em: idk i love a catharsis moment! i love it when a character claws their way to happiness. or even begrudgingly goes to therapy

em: viola can go through a little hell as a treat

obsetress: turns out the only one who could fix her in the end

obsetress: was the one who said it's not my job to fix you

em: dani transformative power of (platonic) love

obsetress: "Platonic"

#the dani jamie viola rebecca exes au

[transrightsjimin]

more ranting abt welfare benefits hell

sorry for whining so much abt income on here, i know it should just be easy nd solveable by applying more for jobs, but the literal issue is that i have no skills or confidence (latter is according to my friend, but the way i cant envision handling any jobs well is jst the truth??) nd still havent gotten any help from the municipality w getting consulted by someone w more knowledge on the job market nd maybe being pushed to take on shitty jobs that at least perhaps pay better than mail delivery. it’s jst so frustrating how i requested welfare benefits over 4 months ago but it only counted since 3 months ago bc they kept fucking up w the requests, promised a payback for the lost month, but didnt, i believe?? now december we got nothing nd probably also january bc our ‘income was too high‘ for the minimum.

uh i side tracked nd forgot where i was going before, but i meant to say tht HALF A YEAR AGO i also requested help w getting help w jobs but bc bureaucratic bullshit it took until DECEMBER to get the help approved. and they would get me a contact person ‘surely before christmas, don’t worry!‘ and then they didn’t and replied they hadn’t forgotten about me and will surely help soon and i’m just. so fucking anxious about this all??

my parents help me financially w cash they gave (nd some of which came from my grandmas) (nd no im not happy w that bc one of them is doing worse financially but still wants to give it away, nd the other is dead nd my uncle gave her left over money to family which feels ironic bc hes a millionaire but only gives a bit from his dead mom??) so that i can buy groceries bc me and my friend’s paychecks + welfare benefits can only cover rent + food and so not also other bills such as for healthcare that i have to make payment plans for. and even w help w groceries i still end up in the negatives, especially last month bc we ‘made too much‘ to receive something. i dont even dare to sell clothing or anything online for money bc that’d only mean ‘income from hobbies’ they could see i have and thus more reason to get stripped from this too.

and that is just the whole issue!! the municipality runs all these checks and forms and calls and appointments and documents you need to hand in, but there is NO calculation determining what you actually need. instead, based on the type of household, we were categorized as fiscal partners without children who receive the benefits together and thus we receive benefits (in the months that we do) to add it up to the ‘living minimum‘ €1500 in total. this amount does not cover our actual expenses, nor does this match inflation or how social housing has been broken down as a system and that real estate owners can increase rent prices as much as they want. there is a monthly grant that tenants could receive for renting a home, but only if it is an apartment AND below 752,33 euros per month (which is when it is considered social housing, above that it’s the ‘free market‘), and that is just virtually impossible?? but we were not once asked if we can actually pay anything and the people meant to help us w benefits just don’t fucking get flex work contracts or how our income over a certain month is received way later in the month after that. like they have a stable job and just dont fucking get that it is not designed well for us.

i think my anxiety over this issue has gotten worse ever since the news came out that a dutch woman on benefits got a €7000 fine because her mom did groceries for her and that’s considered fraud??!! she couldn’t afford food so her mom bought groceries for her but that is also considered financial compensation and thus she got this huge fine, which she probably cannot afford and the fucked up thing w fines from institutions is that they ask interest over it if you don’t pay it in time or enough of it, and give more fines and even charge fees for something like you receiving a letter and they’re just free to pull this shit bc it’s a for-profit business. and that’s how ppl end up w debt and huge loans. it’s just so infuriating nd i really dont want a fine or lose the right to benefits. even though i prob wont get it for a while bc of my friend’s job that tends to make our incomes together reach just the ‘living minimum‘. i have this bill of €250 for adhd diagnosis, then monthly bills for meds that are €76 of which i can receive most back and ‘only’ need to pay €25 from it, then theres an orthodentist bill of around €92 bc i forget this insurance company still counts from back when i was w it the first time nd orthodontist stuff gets insured up to €1000 and that amount was used up like 10 years ago nd they still count like that despite me having had a different insurer in between.

i just need a stupid fcking job nd i hate to whine abt this bc theres so many ppl in much worse situations who ‘take initiative‘ nd start looking for jobs, but AGAIN  i have no ‘basic’ skills like being able to listen and understand words well nd fast or show the right facial expressions or have good memory or dexterity or be able to answer difficult questions or focus on reading etc etc, nor do i i have an idea what job i should or could do.like i fcking need an income, moreover i need a break, im in this fcking burnout since like 2013 and in depression since at least 2004 lmfao but it’s never been recognized as bad enough by specialists bc im not suicidal, but it’s also not good to the point where i ever know if i felt ok. also just. i feel like i did use to have a bit more confidence in myself in high school but it all got sucked out of me in art college (bc horribly bigoted teachers + students and being taught that drawing well is in fact not at all important in the domestic market but rather being INNOVATIVE and NETWORKING and also COPYING is the way to success!! like not kidding, thats what teachers told us) nd by my parents (bc i became older nd didnt spontaneously do all these chores or jobs despite having no fcking clue how bc they never taught stuff). like i just dont know how ppl live comfortably w themselves and know what its like to be themselves nd not feel bad nd anxious abt everything

#rambles #family stuff #death mention / for grandma #this is a long rant im so sorry thisis a mess