#That I could do good and be good my whole life and I'd still be destined for Hell because of my thoughts

[golden-cherry]

deal - cl16 (28/?)

Pairing: Charles Leclerc x Reader

Series Summary: Your whole life has gone to shit. Your boyfriend broke up with you, you just lost your job and the Monegasque, who suddenly stands in your doorway, claims that it’s his apartment.

Chapter Summary: Your pillow is comfortable - just like Charles' lap.

Warnings: 18+ (dry humping, mentions of sex), fluff, tiny bit of angst, Lando is a little shit

Word Count: 4.5k

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A/N: since you were all so patient with me - you deserve this. I hope you're sat, because y/n definitely is. feedback is appreciated!

"Good morning, mon amour," Charles whispers softly in your ear before you feel a faint puff of air against your cheek. Something soft and warm presses gently against your temple. "It's still quite early. You can go back to sleep if you want to." He rests his chin on your shoulder and you feel his chest against your back. "I'd like to go jogging, if that's okay with you."

Sleepy - and confused - you snuggle further into your comfy pillow. It's still dark in the room, but through the window you can already see the horizon changing color and announcing a new day. You yawn tiredly and close your eyes again. "You're waking me up to tell me you're going jogging? Are you crazy? Couldn't you have just written me a note or a text?"

Charles exhales through his nose. "I'm sorry, chérie. There was no other way. I have an appointment with my trainer and I'm already late." He gently puts his hand on your bare hip, where the shirt has ridden up and exposed a sliver of your skin. "All you have to do is let go of my arm and then I'll be gone and you can go back to sleep."

Your pillow moves almost imperceptibly beneath you and you raise your head to examine it, puzzled. You realize that you have been lying on Charles' arm and your hand has found its place on his forearm. You suppress a smile as you lie back down and press your cheek into the soft inside of his upper arm. "Nope. Unfortunately not possible. I'm afraid your arm is too comfortable for me to let you go right now."

Charles's fingers press a little harder into your hip, but his arm stays in place. "I won't be long. I promise." 

Drowsy and not fully conscious, you turn in his arms and lift your leg, only to wrap it around his waist and press yourself against him. The tip of your nose touches his bare chest. "You said yesterday that we would continue to share a bed so that I could sleep better. So you have no choice but to stay here with me." As you absentmindedly kiss his chest and press your hip against yours, you feel warm.

Charles laughs softly, but doesn't disagree with you. Instead, his arms wrap around you a little tighter. The hand that was on your hip a moment ago slides up your spine under your shirt. His fingertips dance over your warm skin until his hand rests gently on the nape of your neck, where it lingers lightly. "As far back as I can remember, I said I'd hold you in my arms if it meant you'd sleep better."

You gently lift your head from his chest so that you can look at him. Charles' eyes are closed, but a slight smile pulls the corners of his mouth upwards. "You do realize that you're digging yourself in deeper, don't you?"

He slowly opens his eyes and looks down at you. Without hesitation, he rolls you onto your back. You feel his weight on top of you as his hand disappears from your neck and rests against your thigh, keeping your leg wrapped around his waist. "How silly. Looks like I've lost now." 

His weight on you, his warm breath on your face and his fingertips disappearing under the hem of your shorts cloud your thoughts. You look at him from under your eyelashes and have to swallow as his gaze darts from your eyes to your mouth and back up again. "How silly."

He opens his mouth slightly and he's so close to you that you can make out the different shades of green in his irises despite the darkness. His beard shades his beautiful face and you want to rub your cheek against it. Or feel the stubble on your thighs. Or - 

Charles leans so far down towards you that the tips of your noses touch. As he licks his lips, you think you can feel his tongue on your mouth. But maybe you're just too tired and imagining it. "I'd love to stay in this bed with you forever," Charles whispers, and as his fingers slide a little higher under your shorts, almost touching the curve of your ass, you involuntarily arch up towards him. Just as you think you can feel the hardness of his abdomen, he pushes himself off the bed with his other hand and pulls away. "But I really need to go jogging." A brief moment later, he stands in front of the bed and scratches the back of his neck. "I thought I might go grocery shopping afterwards. Just text me if you think of anything else you might need." 

Distracted by the warmth in your lower belly, you stare at him as he slips into the sports shorts you were wearing yesterday morning. His smell clings to you and you can't think straight as he sits down on the edge of the bed to pull white tennis socks over his feet. You push the covers off you and crawl across the bed to him, wrapping your arms around his shoulders. Your hands rest on his warm chest. "You're mean, Charles." You brush a kiss on the soft skin under his ear and can feel his heart skip a beat.

He pauses in his movement. "You haven't called me that in days." He tilts his head a little so he can look at you. 

Puzzled, you return his gaze. "What do you mean? I always call you Charles."

Slowly, his fingers wrap around your wrists so that he can wriggle out of your embrace. But only so that his arm can wrap around your waist and he can pull you onto his lap. As you sit astride his thighs, he cups your chin with his thumb and forefinger so you have no choice but to look at him. 

He shakes his head slightly. "You called me Charles. English pronunciation. You've been calling me Charles since we had dinner with the others the other night."

You raise an eyebrow and squirm on his legs under his unyielding gaze. "And what did I call you now?"

"Sharl. French pronunciation." A glint sparkles in his eyes. 

"Is that good? Or bad?" you ask unknowingly and innocently, running your fingers through the short hair on the back of his neck. 

"What do you think?" His voice is no more than a whisper as his other arm wraps around your back and pulls you completely onto his lap so that you can barely move. Once again, his fingers slip just below the hem of your pajama shorts, fingertips almost digging into your flesh as he presses your crotch against his noticeable bulge. So hard that you might end up with bruises on your hips. But you don't care. You gasp in response. "Do I like this or not?"

The warmth that was previously spread throughout your body moves south, and you feel your arousal pooling in your shorts. The word friendship flashes faintly in your mind, but as Charles gently but firmly moves you over his hard-on and a low moan escapes his throat, you can't help but block it out completely. 

"Charles," you almost whine as you rock your hips back and forth without a thought and the tip of his brief-clad cock nudges against your clit. Electricity flashes through your veins and your skin burns where Charles touches you and you close your eyes, flushed with pleasure. 

"Nuh-uh." Charles's hand moves from your chin to the column of your throat and rests just at the base of your neck. "Look at me, mon amour." His voice is deep and smoky as he makes you look into his eyes. Through half-opened eyes and with his mouth open, he grinds you over his boner, his breath stumbling and warming your face as you can do nothing but surrender to the sensation. 

Never in your life have you desired someone as much as Charles. Charles, exhaling as if relieved that he can release some tension, while your fingers dig into his shoulder blades to make sure he doesn't stop. The hem of your pyjamas and his boxer shorts rub so deliciously against your bundle of nerves and you moan shamelessly as the gorgeous man beneath you bites his lower lip, wishing it was yours he was nibbling on. 

"Charles, please," you beg, even though you don't know what for. You want his fingers on your throat, his mouth on yours. You want to feel how soft his lips are as he slides his cock home until you fall apart on him. You want to hear him say how good you feel, how much he desires you and that he lo-

"Fuck," Charles snaps you out of your thoughts, and before you can realize it, he releases his arm from your body and leans to the side, where his phone is on the edge of the bed, ringing. 

When you see the panic in his eyes, you quickly slide off his lap and cover yourself with the blanket again. All of a sudden you feel vulnerable and naked, even though you're still wearing the shirt and shorts. You interlace your fingers in your lap. 

"I'm sorry, Andrea." Charles tucks his cell phone between his ear and shoulder as he slips on the turquoise Puma shirt you were wearing yesterday morning. He lifts the hem once and smells it, and for a brief moment his eyes flicker to you before he hurries out of the room, leaving you alone in the bedroom. You hear him continuing to talk in the hallway.

Startled and a little repulsed, you sit on the bed. How did you let it get this far? Charles is your best friend - a fact you told Joris and which was later confirmed to you in person by your roommate. 

So why did you just fall over each other like teenagers who can't keep their hands off each other when no one is looking? Why did you allow yourselves to dry hump each other when you are nothing more than friends? Why did everything Charles did and said turn you on so much that the inside of your thighs are sticky with your arousal? And why did it feel so damn right?

You run your hand through your tousled hair. You've never felt anything like you have in the last few minutes. You've never desired someone as much as the man whose touch made you turn to putty in his hands. As if your brain had been switched off, you gave yourself to him without thinking about what the consequences might be. 

What would happen now? Would Charles still talk to you? Would you talk about it? Would it happen again? 

Before you can think about it any more, Charles enters the bedroom again. His feet are now in sneakers and he has put on a jacket over his shirt. When he sees you sitting at the head of the bed, the comforter thrown over you and with big, worried eyes, his gaze softens. He crosses the room in three steps and sits on the edge of the bed with you before reaching for yours with one hand and intertwining your fingers. 

"We're okay, aren't we?" he asks gently, lifting your chin with his free hand as you try to avoid his gaze. When you look at him, the sparkle from a moment ago is still there. "I - I'm sorry. I shouldn't have let it get this far. We're friends and the last thing I want is to lose you over this." He almost stumbles over his words when you don't say anything back. "We're still friends, aren't we?" You can see tears gathering on the line of his eyelashes. 

You are so relieved that you want to hug him. You smile at him. "Of course we're friends, Charles. Best friends," you assure him, ignoring the shiver that runs down your spine. "There's nothing that could change that."

The man in front of you blinks away the tears and returns your smile before squeezing your hand twice. "I really have to go now. Like I said, if you need anything from the supermarket, please text me. Then I can pick it up for you." He releases his hand from yours and stands up from the bed. "See you later." He leans forward a tiny bit and you can practically see the gears in his brain turning until he merely smiles at you and then disappears. As the apartment door slams shut behind him, you exhale. 

Everything's fine between you, you tell yourself as you unplug your phone from the charger and glance at the clock. 9:30 am. You could go back to bed and sleep, but as you lay your head on the pillow, the smell of last night's smoke creeps into your nose. The whole bed smells like a campfire, and your skin and hair smell like you've been wallowing in ashes, so you decide to wash the sheets and jump in the shower. 

The washing machine makes a gentle whirring sound as you switch it on and then head to the fridge to prepare yourself a little breakfast. However, when you realize that there is nothing in the fridge that would be suitable, you hang your head in resignation. Apparently, the ingredients Charles used for the pancakes yesterday were the very last leftovers, so the fridge is empty apart from a pickle jar and a few bottles of water. 

Without further ado, you shoot Charles a text to ask him to bring something for breakfast before you gather your bathroom utensils from your suitcase in the bedroom, undress in the bathroom and set the water in the shower to the right temperature. Since you have some time before Charles returns from his jog and the supermarket, you take all the time in the world. You shampoo your hair and rinse it thoroughly before leaving a generous amount of conditioner in your hair. Meanwhile, you exfoliate your body, shave carefully - and actually manage not to cut your knuckles. The lavender and vanilla shower gel soothes your frayed nerves, while you keep telling yourself that everything is fine between you and Charles, like you talked about. 

You banish the feeling that his every touch felt good and right to the back of your mind and as you turn off the water and wrap yourself in a soft towel, it's almost as if nothing ever happened between you. 

You focus on the fact that you have to look good today, because you are invited to Charles' mother's for dinner later, so you spend a lot of time taming your hair and picking out a nice outfit. You decide on a pair of dark jeans and a light blouse and button up the last button as your cell phone beeps on the kitchen island. 

Charles: No problem. I think I'll be home in an hour. It'll be too late for a proper breakfast then, but how about some fruit and yogurt?

And indeed. It's now just after 12 o'clock and the washing machine seems to be doing its last spin cycle, because its humming gets louder before it goes quiet and only beeps a few times. You quickly put the wet bed sheets in the dryer before answering Charles.

You: You're the best. See you soon.

While you wait for your roommate to come home, you rummage through the things Kika picked out yesterday and scatter them around the apartment. You put the fake plants on the windowsill in your room and place a vase on the worktop in the kitchen. Then grab some picture frames and stand in the hallway to find out which places on the wall are suitable for which frame. Charles is sure to have enough beautiful photos from all over the world to decorate your home, because unfortunately you don't yet have any pictures together that you could hang on the wall. But that's okay. After all, you've only been friends for a few days. 

When the front door opens a short time later, two men are standing opposite you, one of whom - thank God - is Charles. When he sees you, a smile spreads across his face. 

"We've done some shopping," he explains, lifting the bags he's holding in his hands. Then he looks at the man next to him. "This is Andrea, by the way, my personal trainer and close friend." He walks towards you and briefly looks you up and down. "You look good," he says casually as he walks past you and glances over his shoulder. "Come on, Andrea. The stuff needs to go in the fridge. 

"Don't stress me out like that," the man in front of you replies, rolling his eyes in an annoyed manner. "I'm Andrea, nice to meet you." He places one of his bags on the floor before holding out his hand to you. 

You introduce yourself to him too and shake his hand. " Likewise. I wasn't expecting you to bring half the supermarket with you," you joke, reaching for the bag he's put down before you both head towards the kitchen. 

"Me neither," Andrea replies, shrugging her shoulders. "Charles insisted because he didn't want you to want for anything. Now that you live here too."

"Andrea," Charles warns his friend as he puts the milk and eggs in the fridge. 

"Don't play pretend," he defends himself and puts his bag down on the worktop. "I'm just repeating what you said." He takes your plastic bag from you and puts it on the worktop too. "I'll leave you two alone then. After all, you've got a lot to do today." He turns in your direction and smiles at you before planting a kiss on your cheek left and right. "It was nice meeting you, but I'm afraid I have to go. But I'm sure we'll be seeing more of each other."

"I guess so."

He nods briefly, turning to your roommate. "And you let me know about the trip. Then I can arrange everything."

Charles, who is putting food in the fridge with a concentration as if he were taking part in a Tetris competition, waves his hand once in the direction of his trainer. "I will. Ciao!"

Andrea leaves your apartment as quickly as he had arrived, and as the door slams shut behind him, you turn to your friend. "A trip? Where are you off to?"

"I have to go through a training camp to prepare for next season. But I'll tell you about that later." After he's put everything away neatly, he closes the fridge and turns in your direction. "I've just spoken to my mother on the phone. Dinner will be around seven, but we can come over before that, before my brothers show up, if you don't mind." He grabs a glass from the cupboard and pours himself some water before taking a big gulp. "So I'd just jump in the shower and get ready. And then we can go as soon as you're ready."

You smile at him. "All right. Do you still want to eat something small? Then I could cut up some fruit and prepare some yoghurt if you like," you offer. 

He nods thankfully to you before pulling his shirt over his back and off his upper body in one fluid motion. The workout has made his muscles look even more defined than usual. Not that you waste much time staring at his naked torso. 

"That would be nice. I'll just jump in the shower," he says before disappearing into the bathroom. As he turns on the shower, you hear the water hitting the floor. 

You're a little surprised that your little session doesn't seem to be having any effect. The worries you had that the atmosphere between you might now be strained fizzle out and the only thing that remains is the bitter aftertaste that Charles doesn't seem to be bothered by the fact that you were dry humping as friends and there was a possibility that your friendship had come to an end. 

Does it really not affect him that you were both playing with fire a few hours ago? Or is he just good at covering it up and acting as if nothing had happened?

But when you remember how upset he was sitting next to you on the bed afterwards, with tears in his eyes for fear of losing you as a friend, the negative thoughts disappear from your mind. He probably wants to put the whole thing behind him because it would really bother him if you were no longer friends. 

And since you feel the same way, you cut up some fruit without giving it a second thought until your cell phone, which is lying on the kitchen island in front of you, vibrates. An incoming Facetime call from - Lando? 

Why is he calling you? And especially on Facetime? Has something happened to him? Does he need help?

You quickly put the knife aside and wipe your hands on a kitchen towel before answering the call. When the British man's face appears on your screen, you breathe a sigh of relief. He's apparently lying on the couch at home, the hood of his hoodie pulled up over his curls and a broad grin adorning his face. 

"Hi, Lando," you greet him and lean your phone against the vase so that you can continue preparing the fruit. "What can I do for you?"

"Is Charles with you?" he asks as you turn around and take two bowls from the cupboard behind you to divide the fruit halfway between them. 

"He's in the shower," you reply, tilting your head. " Why? Did something happen?"

"No, everything's fine," he says and smiles. "I was just trying to reach him on his cell phone. But when he is taking a shower, it's obvious that he won't answer." 

"'Who's not answering?" you hear Charles say as he leaves the bathroom wrapped in a towel. Single drops of water snake across his chest and down the ridges of his abs before disappearing into the fabric of the towel, which hangs quite low on his hips. You have to swallow briefly and just point at your cell phone. When Charles comes into Lando's field of vision, he nods briefly. "Sorry, I was in the shower. Have you tried to call me?"

Lando, blinking silently at the camera, nods. "Uh, yeah. I wanted to invite you both to a party. After Christmas." He struggles to suppress a smile, and even though the screen is so small, you can see his gaze jump from Charles to you. "My friend Martin is coming here to DJ at a club. If you're up for it, you're both welcome to come."

Charles, who is standing to the side behind you, rests his chin on your shoulder. After this morning, you didn't expect to find Charles back in your personal space so quickly. Whether he realizes you're holding your breath, you don't know. "I don't see what's wrong with that, do you?" The question is directed at you. As you shake your head weakly, your roommate smiles at the camera and puts his hand on your hip. "Then we're definitely in." Suddenly, you feel Charles' lips on your temple as he presses a gentle kiss to your skin. "I'm just going to get ready." With that, he disappears from Lando's sight and, as he enters your bedroom, from yours too.

The way Lando's eyes widen briefly doesn't escape you. "Great. Then I'll put you on the guest list and send you the details." As your gaze shifts from your room back to the Brit, Lando looks back at you with a grin that almost reaches his ears. 

"Lando," you warn him in the same tone Charles just used with Andrea. "Leave it alone."

"I didn't say anything," he defends himself, but the grin doesn't disappear from his face. You'd love to wipe it off his cheek. "So, are you two - ?"

You roll your eyes. "We're friends, Lando. Nothing more, nothing less," you explain to him, but you seem to be falling on deaf ears, because the Brit doesn't seem to believe a word you're saying. 

"Friends with benefits? Or why did Charles just behave like that?"

"What do you mean, like that?" you ask him, tilting your head in confusion. To keep your hands busy, you fill the bowls of fruit with yogurt and add some sweetener before stirring everything. 

"So possessive. So jealous," he explains, as if it's no big deal. Which it certainly wouldn't have been if it hadn't been for this morning's action. 

"You don't know what you're talking about," you retort snappishly, your mouth forming a thin line. "Sorry, that's not what I meant."

"It's all cool. But if you get married, I'll be the guest of honor as matchmaker," he replies, before holding his phone close to his face and grinning broadly at the camera. "And then I'll give a speech about how stupid you both were at the beginning because you didn't want to admit that you were meant to be together."

When you hear Charles' footsteps in the hallway, you quickly reach for your cell phone. "Lando."

"I'm just saying, friends don't look at each other the way you look at him. And that friends don't act as possessive as he does." He raises his free hand, puts his thumb and forefinger together before pulling it over his mouth and pretending to seal his lips with it. "I'm not saying anything more about it."

"Who says no more to what?" Charles asks as he enters the kitchen. 

"Nobody to anything anymore. Bye, Lando," you quickly say goodbye and end the Facetime call, knowing full well that you're sure to get a few more messages from the Brit lovingly mocking you. 

"Oh-kay." Charles sits down opposite you at the kitchen islands and grabs one of the yogurt bowls. You watch him as he shoves spoonful after spoonful into his mouth. "Everything all right?"

"Everything's fine," you reply with a sugary smile and start spooning up your yoghurt too. "I'm just nervous about meeting your mom. I hope she'll like me," you try to change the subject. 

"She definitely will," your flatmate tries to reassure you. "Just be yourself and then she'll love you. And so will my brothers." He reaches across the worktop for your hand and squeezes it twice. "Loving you is easier than you might think."

#charles leclerc #charles leclerc smut #charles leclerc prompt #charles leclerc blurb #charles leclerc imagine #charles leclerc fanfic #charles leclerc fanfiction #charles leclerc one shot #charles leclerc fluff #f1 smut #f1 x reader #f1 fanfic #f1 imagine #f1 fic #charles leclerc x yn #charles leclerc x reader #charles leclerc x you #charles leclerc x female reader #lando norris

[bvidzsoo]

♡Boyfriend!Wooyoung♡

Pairing: Jung Wooyoung x female reader

TW: none

Word count: 678

Genre: fluff, comfort, established relationship, bullet points, non-idol!au

A/N: Hello, anonie, I see that you have sent the request to my other blog, which I use for rebloging my favorite works (something that I haven't been doing for a long time lol I have to pick up on it again) I'd like to clarify that I don't take requests, sorry guys, but I simply don't have the time rn and I usually struggle coming up with anything unless it's my own idea lol. And if you do send a request, it might take a long time for me to write it, my apologies. This story is in bulletpoints, just letting you know. Hope you enjoy it! ^^

it had been a long day

too long, actually

normally, tackling a long day of work and going to your Pilates class too wouldn't have made you so exhausted

but you were sick, very, apparently

you had spent the weekend up in the mountains last weekend, at your boyfriend's best friend's weekend cabin and it was rather cold

so naturally, you caught a cold

but life doesn't stop there, no matter how unwell you felt

you still had a job...a very demanding one, at that

and you had just picked up more shifts last week, unknowing of the predicament you'd find yourself in after your little trip

so now, by the time you had reached home at the end of the day, you had no power left in your body

your head was dizzy and you were grateful you managed to get home without crashing your car, but walking up the stairs to your apartment felt like an eternity, and it was horrible

as you fiddled for your keys, on the verge of tears as your whole body was burning up, you became aware of the music coming through the front door, and you boyfriend belting out high notes alongside it

and as you finally unlock the door and push it open, you're met with your boyfriend standing in the middle of the living room in nothing but an oversized t-shirt reaching past his naked thighs and knee-high socks he uses when playing football with his friends after a long working day

and oh, he's holding a wooden spoon, looking completely off-thrown by your arrival

he misjudged the time and thought you wouldn't be home for another hour

now you'd have to wait for dinner, and that's not how he had planned your date night to go

which was a surprise that Wooyoung came up with last minute

you stare at Wooyoung for a second, before dropping everything from your hands and kneeling, holding your head in your hands, tears finally springing from your eyes

Wooyoung is flabbergasted and immediately rushes to your side, dropping the wooden spoon on the small coffee table in the process

he's by your side in an instant, cradling your head to his chest as he presses a kiss to your forehead before he's wiping your tears away, making you finally feel at ease despite the headache, dizziness, and nausea you're feeling

Wooyoung is your pillar when you're feeling even the slightest bit off and he certainly understands that what you need right now are silence, a warm bath, and some painkillers, of course

and so just like that, he helps you up and walks you to your bedroom, leaves you on the bed to discard of your clothes and goes prepare the bath for you

and once you are done with the bath, feeling slightly better as your head isn't pulsating so much anymore, Wooyoung surprises you by bringing dinner to bed, of which you can't eat too much now, but it'll be good in the morning

and then Wooyoung gives you some water and you take the painkillers and before he could go and let you rest, you grab Wooyoung's wrist and offer him a small smile

and he understands without you saying anything

and so, he shuts off all lights in the apartment before joining you in bed, and because you don't want him to catch a cold, he becomes the small spoon as you burry your head into his back, holding onto him tightly

and suddenly all your worries melt away, and today doesn't seem so grim anymore

your head is still thumping, and your nose is still stuffy, and you think your fever is finally going down

but what matters most, is your boyfriend being by your side and humming quietly, tracing your skin gently with his fingers, your right arm resting around his torso, feeling safe

far away from the exhausting world and demanding assignments from your work

and you know you'll feel a lot better by the morning, all thanks to your lovable boyfriend, Jung Wooyoung

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[cfr749]

Initial Thoughts on Chenford in 6x07

All right... I'm feeling... a lot at the moment, so just sharing my initial reactions before seeing anyone else's. I'm sure my feelings will evolve. Also this turned into a GD essay and I'm sorry.

The Good

Grey acknowledging that Lucy was going through a lot ABOVE & BEYOND the break up. I just wish he'd mentioned the shooting, too. Lucy deserves to be more than her relationship with Tim and I need to actually see that in the future.

Lucy laying out 2 key things in her conversation with Grey - how easily Tim walked away and that he had no right to make that decision for her

Prior to the last scene (see The Ugly below), I thought Tim's interactions with the therapist were reasonably well done; if only therapy was that easy in real life lol

"You've always got a home with me" - I loved this final scene between Lucy and Tamara. I don't really have feelings either way about Tamara at this point, and this still hit me right in the heart.

Smitty's poll made me laugh, but also another solid indicator that these writers / producers do in fact really enjoy laughing at the expense of the fandom and shippers (which, whatever, I don't care that they do, I'd prob do the same; but it does irk me when people act like these writers should be worshipped because of all the things they "give" us)

The Tim

"I'm not depressed. I broke up with her."

"I was her TO." Not her friend, cuz god knows Tim has yet to deal with the fact that he started banging his former Rookie I suppose.

I dunno whether to put this in The Good or The Bad at this point; it depends on where they take it, so instead Tim gets a section all about why he's a dick.

To be clear, I do not like that Tim is a dick. But I actually do kind of like that it is very clear TO THE AUDIENCE that Tim is being kind of a dick. Do I still think people will bend over backwards to defend him? Of course they will.

From my perspective, I love Tim, I understand that he thinks he's doing the right thing, and has lots and lots of trauma. I've never seen Tim as a character that magically healed at some point between Seasons 1 & 5 (please see his storyline with his dad, his ongoing issues with UC work and unwillingness to confront or deal with them, his feelings about therapy historically, his inability to dump Ashley, etc. etc.). He's never been perfect and he doesn't need to be.

All of those things are true. None of those things give him a free pass to be kind of a dick. He still has to take accountability for how he treated Lucy (which, to be clear, was like sh*t).

The Bad

Lucy being petty AF with the invites to Tamara's dinner - let her be ANGRY, but give me villain Lucy over this dumb sh*t.

Lucy having no one other than Grey to talk to.

Others acting like Lucy is actually kind of pathetic (why do these writers love sh*tting on her so much? girl could not be down and kicked any harder at this point) -- Celina / Nolan and the double dumping crap, Lucy thinking Grey paid actors and him telling her she was out of her damn mind

The last interaction between Lucy and Tim. I am so angry for her. I needed to see that from her, but instead it felt kind of like her being dumped / a kicked puppy all over again. We got it, thanks. What's next? Lucy being incredibly happy with the hottest man on earth? I'm here for it tbh. Lucy plotting Tim's murder? Also here for it at this point. LOL.

The Ugly

I could not hate the implication of that final scene with Tim and the therapist and the door shutting more. There was ZERO reason they couldn't have had him show up during the day, and it actually disgusts me that they are pushing this line again, but especially with Tim. I am literally NEVER this dramatic, but in this case I really hope they did that to just get a reaction, because if anything were to actually happen between Tim and the therapist, I'd be 100% done with this ship and show as would a whole lot of the audience (I think). If I kept watching, it would only be to see Lucy be absurdly happy without Tim.

Well, what'd I miss? What did y'all think?

#chenford #the rookie #the rookie spoilers #see lana ramble #no one tell the writers that women can have storylines that are not about BABIES

[mcflymemes]

NOCTURNAL ANIMALS (2016) PROMPTS *  assorted dialogue, adjust as necessary

please don't say that. i don't want to be like my mother.

do you ever feel like your life has turned into something that you never intended?

that's a deal breaker for me.

we might be perfect for each other if we didn't live in the real world.

why do you always think the worst of me?

you're wrong. you and i are nothing alike.

i see we're settling for less now!

a package arrived for you. i found it in the mailbox this morning.

i'm sorry, but could you help me open this? i just cut my finger. paper cut.

in the end, you left me with the inspiration that i needed to write from the heart.

where were you last night?

by the time i left the office, i was late for my dinner.

it would have taken you fifteen minutes. fifteen minutes, and it would have meant a lot to me.

you didn't come to bed last night.

i didn't want to wake you up.

that doesn't sound like you.

are things a little better?

i'm surprised. i thought we were hiding it pretty well.

[name], i'm worried about you.

seriously, look at me. you scared me the last time that we talked.

i'm fine. i just can't believe i told you all of those things. i feel embarrassed about it.

what right do i have to not be happy? i have everything. i feel ungrateful not to be happy.

i think we just want different things. or maybe i want different things.

we get into things when we're young because we think they mean something.

do we really have to stop tonight? i'd rather just get there.

don't look at them. don't give them any reason.

sit still. they've probably got a gun.

don't get out of the car.

you're not supposed to leave the scene of an accident. it's a crime.

don't come any closer.

i'm a gemini, my favorite color is petal pink, and i like long walks and kittens.

you know what, we should call the police.

you got no fucking right to talk to me like that!

you'll get killed if you don't watch it.

may i use your phone?

could you see them in the dark?

i just wanted to hear your voice. i miss you.

you sound weird. are you okay?

you look beautiful as always.

would you like to have dinner?

you know, you were my first crush.

what a weird thing to say.

i'm sorry. i hope that doesn't offend you.

this is a ridiculous conversation. you're too young to get married.

oh my god, did you just say that? you really just said that? that came out of your mouth?

it's like the whole thing is a blur.

now listen. i've got to be honest with you. right now it's not looking good.

if i write it down, then it will last forever.

you know my name. i told you.

you didn't sleep again, did you?

who the hell are you? get off my property!

you'll take this the wrong way, but i think that you need to stop writing about yourself.

please don't start that again. it makes me feel like you don't believe in me.

you always get so fucking defensive about it.

i really wanted to be this person that you thought i was. i really did, but i'm just not that person.

you're wonderful and romantic, and sweet and sensitive, and all the things i'm not. life for you is kind of a dream.

weak. i'm weak. that's what you want to say. go ahead and say it. you've said it before. weak.

i'll live to regret this. i regret it now.

i got a certain pride in how people talk to me, and there are certain things i don't put up with.

nobody gets away with what you did.

may i get you a drink while you wait?

#mcflymemes #rp meme #rp memes #rp prompt #roleplay prompt #roleplay memes #rp starters #ask meme #ask memes #roleplay meme #roleplay inbox prompts #inbox prompt #rp inbox meme #inbox meme #sentence starter prompt #sentence starter #sentence starters #nocturnal animals

[linka-from-captain-planet]

Power ranking BG3 ladies based on how much I'd personally like to marry them

All main and supporting women: Shadowheart, Lae'zel, Karlach Minthara, Jaheira, Isobel, Aylin, Mizora, Orin

Plus my background babes: Florrick, Talli, Alfira, Lakrissa, Araj, Nocturne, Skoona, Adrielle, Z'rell, Roah, Nine-Fingers, and special guest star Philomeen

*Isobel and Aylin deserve to be regarded as individuals occasionally, so yes I'm wrecking that home (Alfira and Lakrissa too)

*essentially, top 10 is "women I would like to marry" and 11-21 and is "women I would not like to marry"

Quartermaster Talli. Granted she has an unfair advantage due to looking and vibing as a fusion of my IRL girlfriend and the butch lesbian who installed my new garage door 3 years ago whom I'm still mildly obsessed with. But anyway, we'd have a really great life together. We'd be able to communicate, we'd be compatible in the bedroom, we have similar values. Wife material, Grade A - the gold standard comparison for everyone else on the list.

Isobel. We'd have our tiffs (we can both be a little catty and sensitive), but overall we'd be a pretty stable match. We'd put in the work to make it last. I feel like being a cleric counts as a "job" so I appreciate that.

Nocturne. My #1 "I can fix her" pick because I think I actually can. I appreciate a hard worker, so Nocturne having distinguished herself in her uh workplace enough to become an officer is very respectable to me. We could go to therapy together. Not a perfect match, but I think we could make it work.

Lakrissa. Would be an easy second place if she didn't read so young. She's a little immature (a little over-dedicated, a little too self-sacrificing) and so she'd have to do some growing up, but I think we could make it work.

Florrick. Even though she's my #1 beloved and by FAR the sexiest person in the entire game and I would do anything to [redacted], we'd be like two brick walls getting married. We're too similar. But sheer affection and lust propel her to the top 5 anyway, even though we'd probably be married 10 sexless years before one of us finally snapped and filed for divorce.

Skoona. Assuming she drops the whole self-deprecating thing (can't stand that). She has a job, she's sensitive, she's romantic, she's humble, and she's hot. I don't think we'd knock each others' socks off, but we'd be a nice match.

Lae'zel. Extremely 22 years old and that's an issue for me. I'm also too sensitive to make it through her tough outer shell to get to the soft waifu meat inside. However, she does have amazing wife material to uncover, so I think if I could be her second wife, we'd be golden.

Adrielle. We'd have our problems as two neurotic faux-normies, but we're neurotic in different ways, so maybe we'd complete each other? She's very conscientious and thoughtful, though, which are the most important wife traits for me. With commitment and therapy, we'd make it work, but it wouldn't be the smoothest ride.

Jaheira. I don't really want to be a step parent to young kids, so that pulls her down the list a bit, but there's no way I couldn't have her in the top 10. We'd get along great; we have the same sense of humor; we're both not clingy. A good match, but not really the wife for me.

Minthara. I want her so bad but she'd eat me alive and not in the sexy way. I would let her walk all over me for 2-3 years though, assuming she didn't dump me first. Impossible to rank below the top 10, but objectively not the wife for me.

Shadowheart. Like Lae'zel, there's a lot to get through before you get to the wife material deep inside. I would also need to be her second wife. Also, I'm not doing that cottagecore shit and I cannot have that many animals in my house.

Araj. I know I called her bad in bed 2 different ways in two other posts but that's not a problem, she's so sexy and interesting to me that I know I would fall super hard for her. I too love science? We have something in common. I feel like she'd bring out a lot in me, not necessarily good things, but to be loved is to be changed? I would probably come to my senses before really risking it all though.

Alfira. I love her so much but I am no Lakrissa, I could not handle both supporting her while she pursues her artistic goals AND having to top every time. We'd be that miserable couple that lets it drag on forever because nothing is *wrong* even though nothing is *right* and wind up hating each other.

Nine-Fingers. She'd stress me out too much. Running the streets, making enemies... what if a shake-down goes wrong? Admittedly I'm tempted to live out my mafia wife fantasies with her, but realistically, I think I'd have too many nervous breakdowns to make it worth it.

Karlach. The divorce would be so epic that I almost wanted to rank her higher, but I just know deep down that we would trigger/frustrate the fuck out of each other and completely implode long before making it to the courthouse and/or altar.

Aylin. I routinely get over-stimulated by my cats brushing against my leg when I'm trying to multi-task working and listening to music, so there is no universe in which I could tolerate being married to Aylin. She's too exuberant and touchy. I would be scream-crying WHY ARE YOU YELLING AT ME every time she simply asked me how my day was in her usual volume. An absolute disaster, she'd smother me despite her best intentions.

Z'rell. She can have place #17 to match the 17 husbands which I would not be okay with. I'm not jealous, but I'm not THAT not jealous. She's also just really harsh and I'm a crier, so we probably would not be able to have a conversation, let alone a relationship.

Roah Moonglow. Like Nine-Fingers, but I feel like the Zhent is like, a second-rate criminal organization and so it'd be like being a second-rate mafia wife. All the stress, fewer fist-sized emerald necklaces.

Mizora. On top of everything else, she's also a corporate LAWYER... yuck

Philomeen. I would go on 1 date with Philomeen, let her start a blowup fight with me outside of [regional burrito chain], let her neg me into fucking anyway, go no contact, and let her booty call me 2 years later at 3AM like nothing happened, but I would not even slightly consider dating her, let alone marrying her.

Orin. Ignoring the whole serial killer thing that's neither here nor there, the problem is the combo of overbearing family (my #1 dealbreaker of all time) and lack of communication skills (my #2 dealbreaker of all time). Like I'd be constantly trying to get her to go no contact with Serevok and she'd never listen and she'd always be talking in fucking Dr Seuss riddles and disappearing and pissing me off.

[king-paimon]

Houseki No Kuni Chapter 108 Thoughts: Everything Stays....

Hello all. I hope the month of April was good to everyone. It was alright for me, though I'm just in awe by how fast it went! Time really goes by too quickly as you get older.

Speaking of time, would you look at that? The final chapter of Houseki no Kuni was released! 108 chapters over the course of 12 years. And I've been following it for nearly 5 of those years! Wow! That is quite the feat, Ms. Ichikawa.

I'd been waiting for this day for a long time, and the feeling is bittersweet, with the overlaying feeling of relief. This emotional rollercoaster that Ms. Ichikawa had sent us on has finally reached it's dock.

Phos's story is finally complete. What a ride it had been!

Now the question is: Was I satisfied?....

I'll do my best to answer this. I don't know how long this post will be, but I'm hoping that it won't be too long (edit: Oops. I was wrong.) And as always, please feel free share your own thoughts if you're interested!

Here we go:

Phos's True End: Was It Satisfying?

I reread this chapter a few times to answer this question and to be honest, I still reach the same conclusion: It was fitting. Not absolutely bad or 100% amazing, but in terms of Phos's whole journey throughout this story, I think this was a fitting ending for Phos, and that's good. And if anything else, it's a little ironic.

I mentioned in my last post that I thought it was funny that the remaining piece of Phos had become the youngest/newest member of the pebble species much like how they originally were at the beginning off the whole manga. It seems though, the similarities don't end there because of this little interaction between Eyeball/Pita-pat and Pebble Phos:

I'm sure this was supposed to be a little cheeky conversation and Eyeball/Pita-pat didn't really mean it. But still, this was an interesting exchange to include in this final chapter, especially right before it's implied that Eyeball/Pita-pat passed away.

One intriguing story choice Ichikawa made was having Pebble Phos continuously fall apart near the end to the point that they become a small spec. To be honest, I was not sure how to feel about this part when I first read, especially considering how now there's hardly any of Phos left now. Like, after Eyeball/Pita-pat saved that last bit of Phos so they could have a nice life away from humanity, it'd be unfair for them to break apart again to nothing after all of that. But I did like how the pebbles decided to view Pebble Phos' changes; that their fragments surely became beautiful comets that would brighten someone's day. And that shot with original Phos was nice...

Also, I saw the post that implied that Ichikawa released this final chapter around the same time that a rare famous comet was supposed to be seen on Earth. I want to say that I think it was a pure coincidence, but I'm not putting anything past this author!

This chapter made me think of that one song from Adventure Time: Everything Stays. If you haven't heard of it, please give a listen. It's a song about life and the course of change. It focuses on how even if things appear to stay the same over the course of time, changes still occur, even if subtle. Phos certainly changed a lot throughout their story through intense mind and physical altering events. But I also think they changed subtly even during the less intense moments. I think the moments in this final chapter fit with this song, too. Phos was always evolving, even when it didn't appear so. Through their interactions and lack thereof with others and their environment, Phos was always changing and growing, ever so subtly. And even in this last chapter, Phos is still evolving and that'll likely never end.

Interesting... after thinking about it some more, I think I feel a little more satisfied with how this chapter/story ended. I'm glad that Ms. Ichikawa didn't pull some other twist near the end; that certainly would have ruined it for me. Am I 100% happy with how Phos's story ended? I don't think so. But to me, it's a fitting end.

But what do I think about the series as a whole?

When The Journey Ends: Was It Worth It?

There are very few manga or written stories that had me wanting to see how things end because more often than not, there aren't that many stories that I've read to completion. Part of it is because I don't want the story to end; basically, I'd have the thought process that if I don't know how the story ends, the story doesn't end! Perfect logic (sarcasm). Though this usually happens because I lose interest or because the story goes in directions that I don't like, I'd say one of the main reasons I end up dropping a series is because of how a story ends. How a story ends can completely change one's opinion of a story, and I've seen my fair share of stories that end badly. Sometimes the ending is abrupt and not satisfying, especially if it was lead by a big build up, or the ending is a result of a jarring story pivot that seems to come out of left field. It just seems that many creators don't know how to end their story well. And if I like a story a lot, sometimes I'm too scared to see how it ends. Partially because I don't want the story to end, but mostly because I don't want the end to ruin my experience.

Houseki no Kuni is a unique case for me. I know I've mentioned this before but I'll state it again: I don't think I've ever been so invested in a story like this before. Though that investment had dwindled over time, partially due to me developing new interests, life, and being occasionally dissatisfied with certain story choices, I wanted to see this how this story would end no matter what. And now that it's done, I'm glad I stuck it out.

Was this story perfect? No. There were several story decisions that I wish was either told differently or completely omitted that could have made the story stronger in my opinion.

Did I get a too invested in this story? During certain points, most definitely haha. I remember getting very emotional about certain chapters when I first started making this series of meta posts. I remember seeing some posts from people stating that they no longer liked the manga because of the direction it was going and in some cases, I could see where they were coming from.

Do I regret getting so invested in this story? No. No I don't. Despite not liking certain story aspects, I do not regret getting invested in this story. Though the story was not perfect, this was such a unique experience that I'm grateful to have gone through.

I plan on talking more about how I feel about Houseki no Kuni as a whole in another post. I intend to delve into what I loved about it and what I wish was different. While I could include that stuff here, I think this post is long enough. I've already started working on it, but I know it'll be a while before it's done; you bet there will be some parts with me ranting a little haha

But long story short, despite some grievances I have with some parts of the story, I feel satisfied with how it ended. And I'm glad that I read this series.

What Happens Next: Thank you, HnK Fandom

I want to thank those who've read, liked, and even commented on my posts! I didn't think so many of you would like, let alone read, my longwinded messy posts. I loved every feedback I got, even the ones that didn't agree with me. You made me love being part of this niche fandom. Like I said in the previous section, I have at least one more post that I want to make detailing everything I feel about Houseki No Kuni as a whole. I might make another one that's more for fun, but we'll see. I encourage anyone who's interested to share your own thoughts on the post! I seriously love reading different perspectives.

But after those posts, I don't know how involved I'll be in the fandom afterwards. I may repost some art and other people's meta posts on occasion. But when it comes to meta commentary, these will likely be my last posts about HnK. I have other fandoms that I like to follow, though I don't make posts about them. Perhaps I will, though I know they will be nothing like the posts I've made about Houseki no Kuni. This was the only series I've ever felt compelled to analyze so deeply, which makes it special for me. If I were to post anything about the other stuff I'm into, it'll most likely be of fanart that I made for my own personal enjoyment. I know scare many of my followers away since they'll not be HnK related. But who knows? I haven't made any HnK art in a long time... Maybe one of these days, I can try to make some HnK art again. I have some unfinished pieces on my computer that's now years old. Yeah, I should finish them when I have the time. That'd be a fun little send off.

Anyhow, if you are interested, please hang around for my final HnK meta posts! And when it's out, please please PLEASE share your own thoughts in it! Don't be afraid to share your opinions. I promise I don't bite.

So that's it. These are my thoughts of the final chapter of Houseki no Kuni. I might add more to it, but I'm fine with what I put out. Wow... I still can't believe I got into this series 5 years ago! So much had changed in my life since then. Despite everything, it was worth it.

Thank you again for reading my jargon. It means a lot and I can't wait to post my true final meta posts about Houseki no Kuni.

What a ride this was.

Until next time...

#houseki no kuni #land of the lustrous #hnk #hnk spoilers #hnk meta #lotl spoilers #hnk phos #lotl #hnk spoiler #hnk phosphophyllite #hnk manga #houseki no kuni spoilers #personal thoughts #hnk chapter 108 #phosphophillyte #phos #hnk manga spoilers #manga

[shannonsketches]

Why is the anime so weird, it's not even the same series dude?? It's like,

Anime:

GOKU: I have a great idea to bring peace to the universe, and my leadership and compassion alone will unite us all. I have No Flaws and am A True Relatable Everyman :)

VEGETA: NO! I AM THE BEST AND I WILL CAUSE PROBLEMS UNTIL I AM RECOGNIZED AS SUCH!!!!

Manga:

GOKU: Vegeta what's cornmeal made of? I know it's what the corn eats, but what's it made of? VEGETA: Hey Kakarot let's play the quiet game until one of us dies.

#silly hours #I do not understand this writing it's so bad aklsdlkasjd #Toei wants Goku to be Clark Kent SO bad and he SO isn't lmao #they're so good and dumb and rounded and complex in the manga what is the anime so afraid of #Toriyama said 'no no this man is a detached faux-immortal who has a dear pure heart but he's childlike and selfish even though he's kind' #and toei went 'got it goku's never done anything wrong ever in his life' #toriyama said 'Vegeta's gone through a lot and he's finally settling into his more mature leadership role with the confidence he's earned' #and toei said 'got it vegeta has the confidence of a high school bully except now he can interact with his family as a comedy bit' #girl hWHAT #Toei trying to group Goku and Vegeta as two people who would rather train than be with their families and Toriyama said NO Vegeta wants #to be HOME this is the first time in years that he's HAD ONE and it makes him HAPPY to be with his wife and children!! #Vegeta trains so that he can protect the things he doesn't want to lose again and Goku trains because it's the thing that makes him happies #They are NOT the same lmao And yeah Vegeta still wants to beat Goku but he also knows that Gohan could dogwalk both of them if he wanted #He also knows Trunks and Goten are going to surpass them it's not about being the best anymore he's past that he just wants to Not Need Gok #He just doesn't want to have to rely on Goku to save the day he wants to be Enough on his own he just wants to know he can be #because every time it's mattered he WASN'T and people he loved were lost to his inability to protect them and he carries that #Like Whis diagnosed him with anxiety and cptsd out in the open and Beerus said he was self-centered for feeling guilt #+ he lowkey enjoys the rivalry it keeps him goal-oriented so he can't get complacent and lazy which is what triggered his Buu Saga breakdow #realized how Fucked Up it was that having a home and loving family made him feel like he was failing and went 'wait no I won actually??' #now he's chill as fuck in the manga. cool confident leader. #and sometimes he is childish and dumb with Goku as a treat #you know what rocks about his rivalry with Goku in Super though is that it's Playful. Vegeta is learning how to Play. #You ever seen a shelter dog get introduced to a really playful dog and it takes a minute for the shelter dog to understand it's safe here #And then they're both running around the backyard playing hot potato with one braincell?? That's Goku and Vegeta's relationship #and the way the anime sleeps on that dynamic is so fucking criminal especially when it's literally canon it's in print it's out there #you had the playbook how'd you fumble it this bad #anyway that's my 25+ year blorbo thoughts I love Geets a lot okay #And I love Goku in the manga a lot I'd forgotten that he's actually a great character when Toei's not fucking up his whole vibe

[ctl-yuejie]

ramblings on Li Ming (and Heart) and homosexuality

moonlight chicken has so many things to offer in terms of technical beauty and interesting themes but what i cannot stop thinking about is the different ways they approach homosexuality in the story.

we have Wen who has a rainbow flag on his desk and pictures of him and Alan on the wall. Wen, who openly flirts with Jim and has no qualms talking openly about his one night stand. Wen, whose step father knows about his sexuality and is close enough with him to discuss his love life.

Kaipa we don’t know too much about. But his mom knows and is supportive and some of the vendors and the chicken family seem to know. But if anyone was questioning in what reality this show is set with all the class discussion and corona featuring, his part of the story shows that homophobia exists and he is worried about how he fits in with his own family, the expectations of his mother and possible the awareness that he makes the family he has “different”.

Jim is arguably even more visibly gay than Wen in terms of what we see throughout the show. He opened the shop with his ex, they prayed at the temple together and even though he objected due to proprities sake eventually they loudly declared their love to each other and the whole neighbourhood knows. Wen somehow feels like he is living in the remnants of a bubble: his circle of friends seems very queer, his closest friend and the whole gym seem to be all part of that as well. This only might change now with him questioning his work and breaking up with Alan: some gatherings he won’t attend anymore apparently.

And finally, we have Li Ming. At school he doesn’t seem to open up to his classmates on most things and additionally is in the closet. While there wasn’t anything alluding to homophobic rethoric being spread at school we can see how the heteronormativity gets to him and feel that there must be good reason as to why no one knows. And it could just be how Li Ming is judging the situation based on vibes, we don’t know. His mother is or at least was homophobic but at the same time he is raised by his gay uncle who is surrounded by other gay people. And I love how it feels like this might have given him enough security to be comfortable with his own sexuality but how it also isn’t enough to shield him from the world at large.

With so many great shows coming out of Thailand and most of them getting more and more political it just feels so real and 2023 to me that Li Ming is part of a generation that knows who they are but still have to battle with the shadow that homophobia has cast way before they were born.

#moonlight chicken #i had this in my draft for a week now thinking if i'd get the time i could put this more leloquently but that was a lie as it turns out #might edit some stuff later #but for now i just have to write about how fantastic this show is for giving these varied realities of queer life #which are all influenced by their environment but also in the way the characters connect across generations #we don't know if him had a gay mentor who could've guided him #whereas li ming technically has him and his neighbourhood friends to reference #but li ming - understandibly so - seems more closeted than anyone else (minus Heart possigly) #in middle school everyone around me proclaimed how supportive they were of lgbt+ rights #but as soon as one guy came out he become the TALK of the school for weeks #he got reduced to his sexuality #and when he dated a girls some months after he got called attention seeking for coming out as gay before #and most people thought they were doing an open-minded thing #and despite knowing that i know that i am not the only queer kid who decided to not come out lest we'd become that talk of the whole school #and our dating lives scrutinized #even though all of us were super comfortable with who we are #and for me that was mostly the case because i had adult lesbian role models close to my family #so i knew i was good and that nothing strange was going on #but still - this othering made the school environment hostile enough to keep me in the closet #so yes - i am extremely delighted with how they depict this dynamic with li ming

[astrxealis]

dear gods i adore horror tbh but i am way too sensitive to it

#⋯ ꒰ა starry thoughts ໒꒱ *·˚ #idk how to describe 'sensitive' rn i'm dying in the head i should be asleep but Man!!!!! #i search up tons of horror stuff for funsies. movies uhh creepypastas stories real life events etc. fun! #BUT it freaks me out wayyy too much. bcs i really don't deal well w Those feelings of paranoia. #my imagination too good i was scared at night going to sleep bcs i'd imagine what to do if an intruder came in from the bedroom door #or bathroom door and think of how i'd escape Death......... #Did Not Help my area before was kinda yk. chillax. chillax meaning grassy tree-sy backyard overgrown trees #old-ish in a filipino chill neighborhood that isn't very fancy ?????? idk. #and the fact one time my dad almost died and someone standing close to him Did die so. haha. traumatized from that. #I WASN'T THERE..... but i rmbr my dad coming home and the news absolutely terrified me. anyway! #wow... rambling on tumblr at 3 and a half am... Nostalgic. #anyway yeah i love love love horror stuff but i am !!! so bad w them !!! like jesus christ i adore resident evil and bloodborne #is my whole bloodline. or something. but i can't even watch my twin kill 1 zombie in a re game Demo (she can't do it either) #and i can only make it to killing the first monster in bloodborne and explore a tiny bit where there are still no enemies. god. #AAAGGGGHHHhhhh ... and the first point of horror in omori then i stop playing for months...... even tho i rlly wna play more :(( #2024 ........ cmon... i will try to overcome my fears more. #i've improved somewhat at least! ...from when i was younger. like. man. i could never stay in night-time in games ever. #ffxv? nah i always have to travel at morning. only when i got strong enough that daemons were nothing to me did i stop #getting scared. ouuughhh... and i always try to be stealthy in games........... for many reasons ofc but 1. Scared #okay i shut up now. apollo rambles of tonight: done and over!

[thatonecrookedsmile]

More progress being made. I finished re-reading The Illusion of Living this past Friday. It's a nice book. 👍 This was the last of the Bendy books in this "marathon" that I'm doing which I had already read previously and now I'm rereading, meaning that I'm kind of up to date when it comes to rereading all the books that were released until December 2021. But the race is not over yet. Soon I'll start Fade To Black, and (technically) I'll finally be up to date.

Just to continue my chain of posting about the books I finished (at least, the main ones that I really wanted to read) here it is…something I did at the beginning of March, on the night when shit went down. (I hope you know what I'm talking about). I saw the tweets first hand, I was there! Right at the damn moment. And it was..something reading those tweets alright. If the image above doesn't show it, my mood that night and the next 1-2 days wasn't so… great. You might read this and think I'm exaggerating, but that night especially I, uuhhh, I didn't feel good! And this image (and maybe 2 more posts I made that night) are the results of that. (And to think that a week before this happened, I had finished rereading DCTL after a long time. Talk about better/worse timing than this)

At least, if you want the bright side of this, it's that even after that day, I decided to continue with my book marathon, and I don't regret it. I was down that day, but I wasn't out yet damn it!! and I'm still not. (I don't know if this sentence makes a lot of sense, but you get my point)

As a bonus, here's something I did the night I got to the part where Henry is first mentioned in the book (you can consider this as a representation of my reaction when he's first mentioned, both for when I read TIOL for the first time in 2021, as now in this rereading)

Feat. canon Henry design and my fanon design for him (I wanted to include him here + I still read this book with my fan-designs in mind)

#bendy and the ink machine #batim #crookedsmile open his mouth #crookedsmile open his mouth;bendy #ABBY LAMBERT; IN MY HEART YOU ALWAYS BE CANON TO THE GAMES; I DON'T CARE WHAT THE OTHERS SAY #also;i'm a Henry Stein fan;could you tell #re-looking at the first image and realizing that I will probably have to change my Abby design eventually;specifically; the hair. #I'm sure this hair doesn't match with what was described in DCTL or TIOL; #It's going to be a little strange; I'm so used to drawing her like this; but hey; every now and then we have to make sacrifices #To summarize my thoughts on TIOL: it's a nice book! Although it is not my favorite among the other Bendy books written by Kress #It's great to see more of Joey; delving deeper into his character and seeing how he thinks and seeing more of his life before the studio #is an interesting read! but I still prefer stories like DCTL and TLO; you know;especially because these two also have the horror factor in #which;considering what TIOL is; it doesn't have it. It's still a good book tho. It's just not my favorite #and re: the whole book canonity thing: I was not happy! Wow; what a surprising thing to say #as someone who enjoyed the books;I was disappointed with what I thought was expanding the games universe;In the end;just wasn't doing it #like;ok;sure;that doesn't mean the books aren't worth reading; I'd say they are! but still;*points to the last tag* #Maybe; one day; in the future; I can even accept this decision and move on with life; you know. understand the why of this. #but in the current present? yeah;no. I will continue to ask myself why #I would say more; but Tumblr has a tag limit apparently so I'm running out of time. as a last message: read the books #regardless of what the devs say; I still think these things should be recognized. #that's all; peace

[icharchivist]

like man i know Stoker was racist and probably never met a single foreign person in his life to have written stuff like that but i’m getting the impression that most people in the tags have never heard a person without a solid grasp on english speaking, because the stuff they point out as “obviously Stoker making stuff up as to how foreign people talk” are stuff i didn’t even pick up for having used those sentences structures back when i barely knew english or that i’ve seen from other people who are just starting english.

#the reactions everytime van Helsing speaks is genuinely giving me a headache at this point #i would not account for if it'd make sense for a Dutch person with poor grasp on English to talk like that #but the overdramatic 'we can't understand anything he's saying!' is really getting on my nerves #the sentences structures still look like stuff i'd see people without a good grasp on engish use #me when i was a teen learning english from stubborningly roleplaying online with dickheads who would laugh at my english mistakes included #like it's crazy Stroker was def racist as fuck and everything #but i read the way some people poke fun at it #and all i see is wow you've never talked with someone who didn't have a solid grasp on english in your whole life have you #ichatalks #ichasalty #ish??? if that makes sense??? #i'm not defending Stroker or saying the speech is not problematic in any way #just that the extreme reactions to it feels disconnected to the non-english native reality of how we pick up english #also just in general the comments themselves on stuff i didn't notice #because to me it's sentences structure i could do or that made sense to me #makes me SO insecure about my grasp on English #and i feel worse reading comment about it than i was reading Stroker's attempt at a foreign speech #so this is kinda sad lmao #(* Stoker for the tags bc i'm not correcting the tags)

[malhare]

Gotta love how every once in a while, a massive overwhelming wave of Catholic guilt and terror overtakes me then like three days later Im like "it's not that deep actually"

#Being raised Catholic is having to CONSTANTLY remind yourself that thought crime doesn't exist #I know it might seem stupid to non-Catholics but we are explicitly taught that your thoughts are a sin #You can go to Hell for your thoughts alone and have to repent/confess every bad thought you've ever had #And Im talking like INNOCENT stuff. If you dare think of a tiddy you better repent that shit or you're going to Hell #It used to fill me with genuine visceral terror because I was CERTAIN I was slated for Hell for my thoughts alone #That I could do good and be good my whole life and I'd still be destined for Hell because of my thoughts #Anyway. Im over it now. For now. Until the next time it happens again lol :| #malhare.txt

[moinsbienquekaworu]

I thought Une route à parcourir à deux was finished, I don't know why, I looked at the last chapter's author note and I don't know where I saw that but I thought it was finished.... It's not. It's not! Grief and pain. It's not finished!

#honest to god i so rarely read unfinished fics i'm like. #i don't know why i thought it was! i really did! #it did seem weird he could wrap up the whole thing in like three chapters but whatever you know #those chapters are huge #but no it just hasn't been updated in five whole entire years #like i'm going to get to the end of what's there but. i want to know what's going on there so bad #and i'm glad the guy's still kicking and doing things online #apparently he got engaged last week? #good for him #so good for him #i just - he seems more focused on drawing now which is fair if he wants to make it his job #it's just i realised a fic that changed the trajectory of my life in some way isn't actually finished and i won't see the end #if i had money i'd give him like 20 bucks for contributing so much to my childhood #but alas #wow i have a ramble tag now

[arsonist-chicken]

Knock knock, don't mind me, just asking how the festival went! Did you have fun? Did you end up watching that scary band after all? Did you make it home safely? The audience (me) wants to know everything!

Definitely not asking this because I miss you, shush, what are you even talking about?

It took a few weeks, but here's the Nova Rock report for you! ✨🦝🌈 it's only 4400 words, have fun.

Huh, I didn’t go 🥺🥺😭💖💗 over "I missed you" and the withdrawal symptoms you mentioned on discord, haha no, what?

The most important things first: I did have so much fun; I did watch the not-actually-scary band, and we did make it home safely and even without any delays (well except the one who had to travel to NRW with the DB but well) with only a weird little sunburn on my back from my shirt with cut-outs at the back.

We took the night train, so I went to the train station, thought "why are there always such weird people here at midnight", then remembered I was sitting there in my pyjamas with my hair still smelling of the fresh hair dye. I read your new chapter, had to stop myself from screaming, asked my sister + friend (NOT the random lady there) what they thought about the blind cat, we found a little ladybug in our compartment who then continued being in our tent, at the camp side, on the train home, and in my room back at home again. He’s actually flying around my lamp right now (well he was when I started writing this, he’s since left for the outsides).

We went with a whole bunch of people (like.. 20? My friend’s brother and his friends and friends of friends, you know), met two VERY annoying drunk Bregenzerwälder with their Hölzler shoes (who the FUCK wears those shoes to a festival??) and luckily lost them again, but everyone who was with us was really cool and chill to hang out with.

They had to cancel the first few bands because of the deep mud the rain had turned the stage areas into, but nothing I wanted to see luckily (although, go listen to Gloryhammer’s “Fly Away”, very fun), so I just sat there at the camping ground with my phone trying to listen to my zoom class (because of course the one lesson the whole semester I really wanted to be at was that week, but well, at least online); and after we went to a band I didn’t know before but someone said they were good, and they were (Coffeshop Company)! Which is something I really like about festivals, you can just go hang out by the stages for a bit to listen to new bands and see them on stage and if you don’t like them, you can just move along to another stage or sit with others by your tents. AND AND AND!! Oh yeah, we saw Evanescence for a bit, they’re okay. BUT MOST IMPORTANTLY. I had been trying to see Rise Against live since I was 14, so 10. Years. now, and now I finally did see them!! And they were everything I expected! They were so energetic and they joked around a bit and the singer pointed out a few signs, and their energy and everything was so good! And their songs are fucking amazing live, they’re SO GOOD. Everyone and their grandmother always insisted on telling me how bad their sound was live, and now I got to judge for myself finally, and they were so GOOD!

BRING ME THE HORIZON BRING ME THE HORIZON BRING ME THE HORIZON! Friday was BMTH day! It was still muddy as hell, like my sister went to the toilets and came back with her whole boots covered up above the ankle in mud, but the organisers really came through and covered the entire stage area with what I learned is called Holzschnitzel (wood chips), so no problems there anymore. We went to see Battle Beast, which – wow, the singer’s voice is unbelievable! She has such power in her voice! We also had some food, my sister dropped a perfectly fine mozzarella stick into the mud (highly relevant info), and my friend and me went to see Maneskin. I wasn’t that excited for them anymore because I don’t like their new music very much, but I thought I’d go see them for a bit, and well – they have amazing stage presence! They just come out and start off right off the bat with such power and energy, I can really see how they pull new audiences in at festivals! The ... guitarist? Bassist? I’m not sure which one the woman plays and I can’t tell the difference anyway, but she had some, uuuh, trouble with her outfit, in that she had a bit of tape on her chest and otherwise a net shirt that kept riding down to her stomach and some tech guy or the singer had to keep pulling back up for her. She also had HIGH heels which I don’t understand how she didn’t fall even once, running around in that, good for her. The singer once almost hit someone with a bottle or something and said, “Sorry if I hit you, my brother, my sister, whatever you are”, which 🌈🌈🌈 They’re, well... I could do with less sexual stuff but it’s their show. It was funny though how within 20 minutes, three of them were wearing almost nothing on top, except the guitarist (?) with his full long-sleeved cowboy outfit and cowboy hat.

We left a bit early and still watched the rest of Skillet 😊 had a snack on the floor while Korn was playing (they’re not bad actually), and then went into the first... like the areas in front of the stage are divided right? We went into the front section for Heilung. Because BMTH was playing right after them and we really wanted to be towards the front for them because well. Bring Me The Horizon 💖 which meant I had to stand there and suffer through 75 minutes of a god-awful boring weird band. They’re… you know, I already talked about them in the blind cat post, I’ll keep it short here: I thought they’d be creepy from seeing their music videos, especially with the red-blinking windmills in the background, but turns out, you can’t scare or creep me out if you just bore the hell out of me first. Their music is so slow it makes me want to scratch my skin off to feel something, they don’t interact with the audience at all, and you can’t understand their lyrics because they sing in I don’t know how many languages, half of them dead. On top of being boring as fuck, they’re also weird as hell, using instruments made of [redacted] and having very unpleasant to watch parts in their show that I don’t think they should be allowed to just act out like that at a festival that allows 8-year-olds in. Yes, the parents are responsible, but like I said – at a festival, you also just randomly walk around the stage area and see what happens even if you’re just passing by to a different area. Actually even forgetting about minors, I’m 24 and I didn’t like seeing that. Anyway, they’re boring, they’re weird and pretentious, don’t listen to them, @ Nova don’t book them again jesus christ.

ANYWAY. FRIDAY WAS BRING ME THE HORIZON DAY. Aka the absolute highlight. They came on stage, you could see how HAPPY they were to be there, they started out with “Can You Feel My Heart”, they’re happy, I’m happy, I feel nothing but joy FINALLY hearing them again after having been rescheduled three or so times. Remember how I said they’d cancelled bands because of the mud, and I said to a friend if I missed BMTH for any reason, I’d cry? Because I’d been waiting to see them since, well. Whenever in 2020 the concert would have been idk man. WELL. Turns out, the security at that festival is abysmal every year (we got checked twice in four days, but god forbid you take a plastic bottle or Tetrapak with you to the stages), and they didn’t close the front area when there were as many people there as allowed. I’m not gonna drag this out with details but long story short, it was okay during the first song but got too bad to stay when the second song + circle pits started (I have… opinions on them, should I elaborate?), we tried to leave but it was very cramped, we got separated, and next thing I know some guy (thank you <3) pulls me up from the floor and helps a security guy get me over the fence, who then drags me away to the paramedics, whom I tell I’m fine, just a bit dizzy, I just want to sit down on the side and watch from there, I can hear “Teardrops” fading into “Dear Diary” aka the song I’d been fucking annoying about being excited to hear, so naturally, they drag me away to the Red Cross tent. Where I just sit for a few minutes getting more and more upset over missing one of the few bands I really, really wanted to see. Anyway, we met two others from our group there too, a guy had twisted his ankle or something and his girlfriend, who – she is SO SWEET, she always asked how everyone was, she’s funny, she gave me Traubenzucker (seriously I still don’t know the English word) and hugged me and said we should just all go out and sit down on the side to watch the rest of BMTH, which we did, and actually suddenly a bunch of our group were there somehow? Anyway, I cried a little more watching them until I calmed down again, and the rest of the show was SO GOOD FUCK. They have such energyand excitement to be there and they go hard on stage, they really do, and the singer’s voice is so nice again now that he’s recovered, there is so much power behind and in his voice when he sings; anyone who says BMTH have become soft or worse or whatever since they have less screaming can fight me (the Florians?). I’m already looking forward to seeing them again in February (covid don’t even LOOK at February you fucking bitch) so much! They still played “Kingslayer” which is always great, “Drown” which is *chef’s kiss*, a few more songs (my concert memory is so bad, the most I can usually say is yeah it was great), and ended with “Throne”, which you know, *all the chef kisses in the world*. Seriously, if you like BMTH and ever get the chance to see them live – GO! They’re SO GOOD live, they’re so happy to be there, their energy takes over the audience immediately, you can scream along or just be there and vibe… They’re just such a great band, in general and to see live (ignoring my situation here, not the band’s fault but the security’s + drunk large guys who don’t look out for others), it’s so fun to be at their shows – oh, everyone who likes BMTH should get the chance to see them live! They’re so GOOD my god I’m excited for the new single tomorrow.

Have you listened to the 30 second thingy they put out already? I can’t get over the way he sings “forever”, someone who actually knows something about music explain to me what it is about that particular way he sings that makes it so 🥺✨💖🍀 Something about the way his voice… vibrates? So to say, and the slight rasp maybe? Not even mentioning the lyrics themselves! This week sure is a busy week for me with a new BMTH song tomorrow plus the BC album on Thursday and then everything else going on as well plus weaselling my way into the playlist with whatever BC song I’ll like the most by then at the drag party so I’ll see what you’ll come up with to bribe me.

Saturday was Electric Callboy day! It was finally warm and sunny and one guy convinced all of us to go to a band no one knew but said were fun to see live, and they were (Liedfett)! I wouldn’t listen to them otherwise but live there, they were fun, and somehow our group turned their band name into a Marco Polo thing. Also, since pretty much almost all of us were there, we asked a guy to take a picture of us and I’m 95% sure the guy was high of some sorts, but the photos turned out well. Also, another guy took a picture of all of us at the camping side once and I don’t know if he was a photographer or something, but he moved around, changed angles and took about 40 pictures, “so you’ll have a really good one!” My sister, friend, and me went to a Ferris wheel they had put up and from the top, you could see across the whole area, which was both huge but also looked smaller than I had expected. A few of us got some food and watched a bit of Jinjer, they’re okay but a bit boring maybe. But but but! After them, Electric Callboy played! Awww Ruby, I wish I had a picture of their faces pretty much anytime they showed them on the screens up-close, they looked so HAPPY, it was beautiful to see! They were so GOOD and so excited to be there and play their show and they always smiled and laughed so beautifully*, it was wonderful to see 🥺 And it was so fun too, they talked quite a bit, once before “Spaceman”, the smaller singer Nico, as Fine taught me, took Kevin to the front of the stage to teach the audience the lalala-ish sound, but the way he did that was to take Kevin by the hand and walk with him to the front of the stage hand in hand while saying something like “Komm mal mit mein Lieber, also der Typ, der kann Sachen machen mit seiner Zunge, ich schau ihm jeden Tag beim Üben zu, haltet eure Freundinnen und Freunde fest, da könnt ihr noch was lernen”.. oder so. Ngl for a second I was wondering if surely he wouldn’t just go ahead and kiss the guy, right? Oh, a few others of our group who didn’t or not really know them came too and they all loved them, some even said they were their highlight of the festival! Which is not at all surprising, I mean you’ve seen them too, right, you know how just… Their energy and fucking around and their easy-to-vibe-with music make it really easy I think for anyone to really, really enjoy their concerts, even if you don’t really know them. I know I already loved them in April when I forgot to listen to more of their songs than I knew at the time before their EC/BC Munich concert, and it was still so much fun. Their stage presence and happy-go-lucky attitude and how obviously happy they are to play their music just makes it really easy to have fun. *I asked Fine, Laura, and Lou if it would be very weird to send them a message or email or something telling them how nice it was to see how happy they were on stage and how beautiful their smiles and laughs were, and got an “you are so cute” in return, but I’m telling you – they were the cute ones with how utterly HAPPY they were 🥺 I feel like I haven’t said a lot besides “it was so nice to see how happy they were” in various shades and slightly to the left but it just cannot be said enough. It was beautiful to see. Maybe I’ll still write them a message or a letter or something. Oh I also saw parts of The Offspring, Bad Religion, Seiler und Speer, Dame, and Deichkind later that day but none really convinced me, so in the end I had an early night (like... midnight “early”).

Sunday was Billy Talent day! Also a few other bands before that, Kissin’ Dynamite are fun to watch and their singer seems like a little shit (I could see him and Joonas fucking around on stage together), a bit of Eluveitie (boring) and In Flames (better than I remembered). We went around a bit before Billy Talent for food and then one booth had just run out of all meats, mozzarella sticks, whatever else, idk they only had fries left so we went to get a pizza, had a discussion in line with some guys about what the pizza names mean, and found out some sinners put eggplant on pizza. My friend works at a zoo and told us they can only feed eggplants to one breed of their stags because not even the pigs eat those. Oooh, Billy Talent were also so fun to watch! I’m not sure why there were so many more people than the day before, maybe because they were the second-to-last band to play? Anyway, very fun! Almost all of our group were there again, I knew about half of the songs they played and it’s just so easy to sing along and see everyone else also sing and jump along and just enjoy being there! Except the couple right in front of us who just spent the whole show making out. Why. Move. The singer made fun of the shape of the stage, talked a bit about other stuff and joked around, they also just have a presence that makes you enjoy their concert regardless of how well you know them, they make it easy to have fun.

Ah, the last band was Five Finger Death Punch, which I didn’t really know before, maybe a song or two in passing, but they were really entertaining to watch. To me – apparently quite a few people thought the singer talked to much or sang weirdly or was drunk? I don’t know, I didn’t hear it, I just had fun with his jokes and I thought his voice was quite powerful too. I don’t really know them but I think they were a good final act to put on.

There’s not much to be said about the trip home, we got up at 5 or so to avoid the “everyone leaving” waves, had some more floor breakfast at the Vienna train station, chatted some more, and on the train everyone fell asleep one after the other, but not before witnessing me almost losing my jacket with no idea how it ended up there and despite looking at it several times before another traveller asked his friend whose jacket that was, and throwing my phone on the floor five seconds later. I had to get off earlier than the others at my uni town, which meant I got a hug goodbye from the only guy still motivated to stand up (feel you), almost forgot my chair, and then almost fell down the train stairs. I was tired okay. Also at like... 8pm or so, a few hours after I’d already showered and thrown everything into the dishwasher washing machine, we finally got the text from the one who had to take the DB to NRW that she’d arrived home, about two hours late, unsurprisingly. I know I complain about the ÖBB a lot and rightfully so I think, but how do you all just live like that regularly?

Remember how you said on discord you’d gotten withdrawal symptoms and I said it was five days and you said, "5 days in which anything could have happened you know"? Well. Nothing happened for me (where is my festival romance huh? BC concert first date idea? Huh, did someone say something?), however. I sit at the camping side with a bunch of others on Saturday noon, enjoying the sun finally being here, when I hear my sister + friend say my name, so I go over to see what they’re gossiping about me, only for my sister to tell me a guy from our group randomly (“randomly”, you should have been there, it was so fucking obvious there was something there, and that’s from me who never notices shit until it’s pointed out to me) asked her if she’s single the day before, she later asked him to do something after the festival and he said he would have asked her if she hadn’t asked first. They’ve had a few dates since then, I think it’s going well.

I haven’t talked about the sunsets yet! Oooh, so that festival is in the Pannonia fields, which basically means in the middle of nowhere on some farmers’ fields which are packed with windmills which at night blink red rhythmically and that looks so cool at night! Just a few dozen windmills in the background blinking red in sync. And the sunsets were beautiful! Just being by the stage, listening to or waiting for a great band to play, and left and right of the stage seeing the sunset over the fields 🥰 (don’t go there to see mountains, the area’s highest one is 302m)

Oooh!! Do you know how I hate phones at concerts a little? Like I get taking a few pictures or short videos, but I’m really annoyed by people recording whole songs or the whole concert wth is wrong with people because the people behind you can’t see goddamn it. I don’t want to be mean to or about teenage audiences, I don’t. It has to be said though, the difference in phone usage at concerts with a primarily teenage audience vs a primarily adult audience is staggering. This year, I’ve been to a Louis Tomlinson, 5SOS, and EC/BC concert and now the festival, and the difference in the audience is huge. At LT + 5SOS, there were so many people there who were constantly recording and watching so much of the concerts through their phones (you miss everything?!), whereas at EC/BC and the festival, people also took photos or recorded but like… very, very few people constantly did so, most took a picture or video of their favorite songs and then put their phones away again. And I have to say, the difference in the energy of the audience is very noticeable. People are just much more into it, just being there enjoying the show, singing and jumping along etc. etc., you know what I’m talking about. I once saw a video of a Halsey show where phones were banned, and I haven’t been able to stop thinking about that since then every time I see people constantly on their phones at concerts.

It was also so goddamn nice to be – well technically you’re reachable, most people have their phones with them, but in reality, I can just turn on flight mode and only take it off that when I need to find my friends (well and that one class) and ignore everything else for four days. Ideal existence tbh. No uni, no work, no being contacted if you don’t want to, no other adult responsibilities, just hanging out with fun people, sharing snacks, and enjoying good music together, half of the days even in the sunshine. Speaking of sun, why did no one tell me my hat looked stupid, I wore that for the whole weekend 😤 oh, also, I got a BMTH shirt! It’s so pretty and it’s white but somehow still too warm for a 30-degree day. Then again everything is, probably. But I had a clean shirt to wear for the journey home with my dust-covered skirt, that was nice.

I met a woman with really pretty multi-coloured hair at the showers. Once there was suddenly a bridal party at the camping spot asking for a beer for their flunky ball bridal party game and invited us to join and offered glitter tattoos. Oh, the guy who hurt his ankle, some of our group borrowed a… those small things you can put boxes or other stuff on you need to transport and wheel it around? One of those to have the guy stand on and wheel him back to our camping area. We found a really nice spot a bit farther away from one of the stages for when we wanted to see a band but just relax and vibe, maybe have some food there and sit down a bit, that was a good spot, I swear we weren’t just on our feet 12h every day in front of the stages. Just peppering in all the random things here that I’m remembering that didn’t fit elsewhere. We built the ladybug a little home in one of the glass holder nets in my camping chair. You said you missed me. Oh, we camped in the Green Area which is just like, less trash and noise, and by day two, there was a hole in the fence which was quite practical because it made the way to the stage area shorter. By day four, a whole fence thingy had been moved. Also, that area was supposed to be quieter but they had a party area or something that played music with heavy bass until 4am or so, which apparently bothered quite a few people about sleeping, but I found quite soothing actually. Oh, the fiancé/husband of the bride with her bridal party was also somewhere with his friends, I kept seeing them in their pink safety vests vs. the women in the orange ones.

So yeah, the security, paramedics, and non-alcoholic drink situation where not it (they had… Red Bull and water stations, but 95% of the drinks sold were alcoholic – please remember the minimum age is 8, also some people (hi) don’t like to drink, especially not at festivals), but the people I was there with, the bands, how obviously happy they all were to be there, the eating food on the floor with each other, the shared snacks at the camping area, the just hanging out and chatting at the camping area talking about the bands and whatever else really, the “guess what I just saw on my way to the toilets” stories shared, the random people around us, the “travelling together and having food and listening to music together” human experience – yeah, that was very much it 🥰🥰🥰💖✨🌈🦝🍀 Writing all that down took about 2 pages of my happy memories book, 100/10 would recommend grabbing your favorite snacks and a few friends, putting your phones into flight mode, and wandering off to a festival for a few days 🥰🥰🥰

#id in alt text #well the happiness didn’t last long because my flatmate bothered me as soon as I turned my phone back on at the train station but whatever #and I’m angry at myself for missing BMTH because honestly I was probably just being dramatic but I still saw most of them and they are #SO GOOD RUBY SO GOOD I love BMTH with my whole soul I’m not ready for a new album I’m very much ready though to hear it #at the concert in February that I will see in its entirety so help me #oh this got long didn’t it hold on let me look at the word stats – ah 304minutes. #Well word also counts if it’s just open in the background so maybe let’s clock it in at 2h #or so to see if I really got everything plus a bit to 🦝🦝🦝 over you saying you missed me #also you could give recommendations for next years' artists so i nicely begged for BC + Alex Mattson #good for them for going to wacken but i will never in my life go there again #it's five hundred fucking hours away and it's huge which is great for the bands i think but as the audience you're just always so #far away from the stages you practically only see the screens. at least as far as i remember and i was there in 2014 so don't take my word #for it #in conclusion BC please come to a festival around here #there's even one in my area! billy talent have also been there before! #huh actually let me check if you can suggest bands to them too they could do with a bit more in that direction and a bit less #of party pop and techno music #i went there for russkaja and saltatio mortis and they were great! blind channel next? #i'm going to a harry styles concert on monday that i'd also forgotten i still have a ticket for and i'm excited #because his music is good enough and i'm going with friends and we're gonna have a little car roadtrip there again #(i say roadtrip it's 2h or so away but we're going together and we're gonna listen to music and have some snacks so <3) #but i am decidedly not excited about the screaming and screeching 15-21 year olds #very excited to find a spot in the back and just chill and hang out there and enjoy it from there in peace #nova rock report #the-very-rubiest #asks #have fun with that i know I'd hate to read that many long-ish paragraphs but i didn't know where to put the breaks and also tumblr #was acting up about actually letting me post it

[witchwhaat]

uni starts tmrw i feel so sick

#like 'i've been nauseous for the whole week' kind of sick #like 'i think i'd rather die than go back to uni' sick #and feeling this fucking terrible i still thought that it's a good idea to start yet another course?? like the fuck is wrong with you girl #it feels so weird bc i did want to get in but i was so sure i WON'T get in #and now that i actually did i'm just so scared lol #can you tell i have no idea what i'm doing with my life lol #like i knoooow time will pass anyway i know #but i wish i knew what i was doing with it #i don't want to keep on trying things until i finally find something for me i just want to know already #i want to be at peace with what i'm doing #and i want to not be so scared of everything all the time #there are so many things that i could and would like to try but they all take time and effort and i simply can't afford to try them all #do you see what i mean? #like i can start as many uni courses i want i can pick up as many hobbies i want but at the end i have to stick to smth #and finally decide what i want to do with myself #and i'm just so tired omg #like. literally and metaphorically #i did nearly nothing i should have done for uni during summer but i also didn't really rest #so i'm tired and unprepared #just let me go on a year long vacation and sleep lol idk #i really don't want to come back #and i should feel excited about the new course but i simply can't bc i'm so anxious about everything #like what's the point of me getting in and starting it when i'm not even excited about it #okay anyway #sorry for venting and being so negative about everything here recently #i just really don't know what to do with myself anymore #agnes talking

[harbingrs]

no bullshit on this post this is immensely personal & not meant to imply anything broader. no comments/interaction from strangers either thanks

Thinking about breakup songs & the past 15 years and it just. Makes my head spin, truth be told.

Saying it plainly: the majority of my relationships have been with men while being perceived as a woman.

I am always fundamentally Too Much emotionally. Definitely a case of Sad Too Much, Takes Things Too Seriously, Needs Too Much Reassurance, etc. Not delving into the backstory on that.

When I was perceived as a woman and dating a man? I'm being too needy. I'm histrionic and hysterical. High maintenance, even - as opposed to the Chill Cool Girl who existed to make him feel good about himself. Really, I should just learn to shut up!

When I'm perceived as a man dating a woman? I'm requiring too much emotional labour. I'm weak and pathetic. A failure of manhood, even. It's frankly embarrassing for a man to have those kind of anxieties. Really, I should just learn to toughen up!

This is not going to be some in-depth analysis of the dynamics at play here. I'm not even going to state my actual gender (the public one or the private personal one).

The point of this post is just. Damn, it's brutal out here.

#posts #personal #I wish you could keep posts out of search #I am really just. fed up. #not even in a specific direction #I'd just like to be able to exist for 10 minutes without someone reading into it #let alone interpreting the crime of Existing While Traumatised according to Gender Rules #while still saying exactly the same things #I am so glad to be single right now because it means dealing with exactly none of that #you too can have a glorious relationship & revel in the daily knowledge you're a plague upon this earth! #or you can live your life without it being anyone's business #I'm a plague upon my own earth exclusively #I feel like I've discovered something miraculous here #you mean the constant guilt and shame was optional the whole time?? I could just.... not?? #that's almost too good to be true #what do you mean I can just say no thanks