#So emotional about THESE TWO AUGHHHH!!!! | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

trans4trans · 1 year

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i am thinking about how when amane first visited the twins muichirou recalls that yuuichirou had yelled at her and chased her away. i wonder what she said to him that made him react like that. we know that she told them that they were the descendants of the tsugikuni family and they’re “amazing people who can use the first breath ever” so it seems like she proposed that the two of them go with her and train to become great demon slayers. and afterwards yuuichirou tells muichirou that she’s just trying to use them for what he assumes is her own benefit. i think yuuichirou probably yelled at her for trying to make them into child soldiers. what really bothers me is that amane keeps returning even though yuuichirou refuses her each time. yuuichirou is more than capable of taking care of him and muichirou (muichirou says in the light novels that yuuichirou could easily chop wood, hunt, and cook for the both of them) and amane’s primary motive is to recruit them into the corps. she couldn’t take no for an answer and with each visit, she must have been aware that she was creating a divide between the twins because of muichirou’s wish to go and yuuichirou’s wish to stay. and like. yuuichirou was just trying to protect muichirou from becoming a child soldier, even if all of the fighting caused pain for the both of them. he didn’t want muichirou to die like keeping muichirou alive was his first priority, and when muichirou does die, yuuichirou immediately yells at him for dying and demands that he return to the living. also in the last scene of the twins in the afterlife, yuuichirou hugs muichirou and apologizes for saying his death was pointless, and then says that he just didn’t want muichirou to die. he wanted muichirou to live for as long as possible. before that he even says that muichirou could’ve ran away from the corps after he had healed and instead lived a normal life, and when muichirou disagrees, yuuichirou argues that he wouldn’t have died if he had ran away. later muichirou acknowledges that yuuichirou was just trying his best to protect him but muichirou never realizes what yuuichirou was trying to protect him from, or more specifically who he was trying to protect him from, because yuuichirou was trying to protect him from amane (and also from ubuyashiki because he was the one who sent her to the twins). and what makes me crazy is that muichirou in the light novels says that he has a lord he would give up his life to protect like AGHHH. how dumb are you. you’re just 14 and you would die for this grown ass man. he even refers to ubuyashiki as like a second father to him it makes me so angry because ubuyashiki preyed on muichirou when he was at his most vulnerable like. yuuichirou is like i’m going to protect muichirou from amane and he dies and then amane is like “oh ok 👍 he’s dead now” and she takes muichirou to the corps and after she and ubuyashiki help him recover physically (not mentally though because they don’t care that hes suffering from amnesia) ubuyashiki hands him a sword and is like “you can figure out how to recover your memories and ability to feel important emotions like happiness on your own later now can you be a good little child soldier for me :)” and muichirou is like “he’s a second father to me” AUGHHHH

#child death tw #kny spoilers #familial death tw

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liketheinferno2 · 2 years

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The thing they do with Alphinaud in post-heavensward is actually genius. The long con of characterising figurative events by dialogue tone. Because like. Okay listen

You've seen this kid go through so much, but the particularly scary thing they do to him, for me at least, is that Alphinaud gets into situations that would be horrific if the player wasn't present. But this isn't just in high stakes fantasy combat drama. It's that, but it's also men on the street calling him a delicate flower and him constantly being misidentified as a frail little girl with all the threat that implies, it kicks the Adult Fear of the player into overdrive because people won't stop telling my SON that he looks weak and murderable and he's also a dumb boy sometimes who walks directly towards more danger. It's scary! Like to the degree where I had to question why the game would make such a point out of singling out Alphinaud this way, I feel like I've never seen them treat a Son Boy character like that?

But he is being so brave about all of it. Literally they're also using this to show you over and over and over that Alphinaud is ostensibly calm in the face of danger and the bar for him outwardly expressing distress is extremely high. He's an emotional kid but he's really really good at pretending not to be. But specifically, scary people keep singling out his body and he's still managing to stay composed about it.

And then you get to The Thing That Is Happening To Estinien.

Alphinaud visibly falling to pieces about the thing that is happening to Estinien is so good on so many levels like if you don't feel protective of Estinien at this point, then you absolutely still feel protective of Alphi. Narrative safeguard for people who don't have dragoon bias, reason to be motivated towards progressing the plot is do this for the boy.

And obviously it shows you the kind of friendship those two developed was really strong if it's driving Alphinaud to react so strongly, but there's something else here, it's like... The same thing they do with the dragons. Bodily possession and eating someone's eyeballs in this setting are both things that don't immediately have a clear real-world severity rating because they're such fantasy scenarios, so you're left to judge the horror of Ratatoskr's murder based on how her father and brothers talk about it.

"Thou canst not comprehend the violation. The outrage. The fury." This line has been fucking HAUNTING me. But you understand that this was bad enough to drive Nidhogg into this unrelenting eternal rage. Likewise, you understand that what's happened to Estinien is horrible enough to make your little boy, who has been so strong so brave so composed about every godawful thing up until this point, yell and cry and beg for you to help him. It is a giant pointer flashing at this thing yelling TAKE THIS SERIOUSLY and it works it's SO GOOD. GOOD WRITING. AUGHHHH.

#dante plays catboy simulator #let him speak #meta

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yagamisdiary · 2 years

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ALRIGHT here’s just a paragraph of me putting my thoughts on this chap and stuff for next chap since i’ve no where else to put it 💀💀

This was the absolute most CUTEST chapter yet it was just so nostalgic and beautiful, the scene of her imagining jean and her brothers back to them as young boys made me smile and i couldn’t stop it was honestly so beautifully written and i LOVED it

and then Prince Phoenix AHHHH this man bruh so hot so respectful and literal green flag as a man and when he was with the bunny oh my god i loved it idk why but it was like a scene of proving he has good intentions the way he reacted to it and held it ygm? and when they were walking in the rose garden and fucking jean and ambrose coke out of the bush…💀💀 i cant fucking wait to see how jean felt in that scene if you end up putting it in next chap since you said bits of it will be from that week in his pov but i honestly do really like phoenix so far BUT this guy is blind asf i’m sorry… idc what anyone has to say no way this guy couldn’t see she was uncomfortable and sad after the engagement now this isn’t me saying he shouldn’t of proposed IM SAYING he’s blind that he didn’t hug her like i know it’s hard this guy was so happy and blind anyone could of seen through that fake ass smile girl was about to break 😭😭 but i think how he went with the proposal was cute and especially his little speech he understood

and when my girl broke 😭😭 i was so sad man and the way she felt so embarrassed when jean saw her made me break for her even more, felt for that girl fr

WHEN JEAN WAS BANGING ON THE DOOR ANF WHINED AUGHHHH JUST WAITING FOR Y/N TO TOP HIM SO THAT CAN HAPPEN AGAIN.

I’m sorry but i understand it’s hard for mikasa but i hated how she was treating her as a stranger to try distance herself even tho this was a time she needed her best friend the most like oh my god mikasa get your ass back in the game before i get parasite y/n in here to steal your man..

and i’m sorry but why haven’t i seen anyone except for like one talking about the KEY scene of this entire chapter which is probably gonna set up for a new BIG BIG part of the plot??? Levi and Y/n’s fight i called it istg it’s like when she had bad intentions so will her powers? so that’s why i’m scared for her when or if she loses control cause her stubbornness and emotions have been so high these past like two chapters and it’s only gonna get worse 😭 but oh my god that fight scene was so good and i was honestly afraid for levi when he started coughing man i fucking loved how she took her anger out tho it was so cool

OH I NEWTLY FORGOT TJE BEST PART WHAT. My favourite part was the parts of her and jean in his room and how they slept together it was all so cute. how she was naming constellations and he seemed genuinely interested and talking about the future n shit and how he went asleep and she went asleep on him AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. AHHHHXHXHXJXJJSJSJS MY HEART AND STOMACH AT THAT SCENE BRUH I SWEAR TO ABSOLJTE FUCKING GOD. And how she’d always go back that week. i don’t care what anyone says.. i know it was so small but the best part of the entire chapter for me was hearing how he’d day at night how she can’t come back but every day he’d ask if she was going to be coming over tonight my heart sunk into my stomach in a good way literallt resting on butterflies it was the best fucking part for me

AND JEAN AT THE END???? man what’s up with this guy and pulling her waist? not complaining tho, this guy definitely loves her waist or some shit tho 😭 it was so cute how he was just behind her speaking and getting closer and then brought her in for a hug from behind like oh my god i fucking loved it now i cant wait for him and phoenix to be in a room alone 🥺🤞

NOW FOR NEXT CHAP

bruhhhh smut smut smut m m mmmmmm i cant wait like i just know he’s gonna be slow n shit and the fact he HAS to be slow since she’s a virgin and let’s be honest this guy probably hasn’t had sex in a long while since he’s been so busy and doesn’t seem to be going out as much so HES gonna be holding on for dear life literally edging himself the entire time and i just KNOW this guy gives the best after care let’s be honest like look at how he hugged her when she heard her parents, untied her corset cause he knew it was bothering her and the way he done it AUGHHHSHDHDJD and how he was hugging her from behind at the end and how he was banging on the door and didn’t care if he got caught and hoe he didn’t want to fight with her and just wanted to be with her and just stay with her like oh my god this guy…

ALSO AMARA FUCK YOU WE’VE BEEN STARVED OF CRUSHING MARCO FOR WEEKS NOW.

Speaking of starving we’ve been starved of Amara’s immaculate smut for a total of FIVE fucking months now… FIVE. AND NOW WE’RE FINALLY GETTING IT????

and prince phoenix.. i know i praised him when i was talking about him but i didn’t wanna include this there since thag was kind of a look back of last chap but i don’t trust him.. i also know amara’s ways from parasite so i don’t trust him if im bring honest.. he’s too good to be true i feel like he knows a thing or two about y/n and her powers or at least his parents do but i think he’s way too good to be true and i don’t think it’s a coincidence he picked y/n and he’s also the like less sus person which i think is sus 💀💀 but idk i could just be looking into it too much but i don’t think so 😇😋🤲

anyways sorry if this was really long 💀 just needed somewhere to put my input on this chap 😍🤲 definitely my favourite so far couldnt stop smiling the whole way through it 😭 love you amara mwah 💗💗💗

OMG I LOVE THIS SO MUCH I LOOOOOVE WHEN GIVE ME LONG DETAILED DETAILS/FEEDBACK ITS MY FAVORITE

i’m gonna respond back to each paragraph so hold on:

the part where yn envisions her brothers as siblings was definitely the hardest part to write for me and even though it’s in the beginning of the chapter, it was the very last scene i wrote because i was struggling so much with it like i wanted it to be perfect

prince phoenix definitely did notice she was sad, in the part where she says he was talking to her as she walking him to the gates but she was zoned out and wasn’t listening, he asks her what’s wrong and tells hers stuff and that’s why he hugs her because he feels bad (it’ll get more into it in this next chapter)

the part where she runs to her room crying was one of my favorite scenes to write, i know this sounds HORRIBLE and u guys are gonna be like “yeah bitch we can tell” but i LOVEEEE writing gut-wrenching, heartbreaking scenes like it’s my fav kind of scene to write and the fact that i got that emotion out of ppl makes me happy in the sense that i got my point across like the point was for the reasons to feel her pain and that’s what happened so YAY ME (sorry y’all)

jean hanging on the door LMFAO i just had to include the veronica scene because first of all HOT, second because i feel like jean is always so nonchalant and pretends he isn’t bothered and that scene is one of the first scenes we really see him worried about her and putting his pride aside fully by begging and pleading her to talk to him which is massive for his character development

with mikasa, i understand both sides like i get why mikasa wants to distance herself because she feels like it’ll hurt less to say goodbye but also like she needs to be there for yn when she really needs her, also mikasa is getting more attached to eren since she knows eren is gonna be here forever and yn won’t, it’s kinda like she accepting she has to move on but you’re right she shouldn’t be cold toward her atleast LMFAO NOT U SAYING PARASITE YN IS GONNA STEAL HER MAN

yesss the levi scene is definitely detrimental to the storyline in so many ways, the readers can kinda see the connection that her powers are controlled by her intentions si since she’s always so kind and caring, her attentions are always good but right now, she’s starting to go through some tough shit and her emotions are everywhere to the point where she can no longer control/hide how she feels which correlates with her powers as well

and YES we do see those couple days from jeans pov in the next chapter so he’s pov on when they’re outside running around, when she’s asleep on him, when she goes over every night, when he finds out yn got proposed to etc he also goes and reads the letters she sent years ago so i’m excited for u guys to read that as well

jean touching her waist has a lot more significance than people realize, he’s known her his entire life and only has touched her hands/arms/shoulders because they never were close like that. now that he’s getting closer to her, he’s able to touch her in more personal spots aka her waist, that’s also why he has a habit of always lifting her chin up too because he couldn’t touch her face like that before either

the SMUTTTT it’s gonna be real good like i’m so hyped for it and i know all these bitches are too LOL it’s been MONTHS since i’ve written smut so i’m really excited to get back into it and i think this one is a tad bit more exciting for me because like you said yn is a virgin so he is gonna have this overwhelming feeling that he has to be gentle while having to hide the fact he wants to fuck her brains out LMFAO

and crushing marco comes out this next chapter don’t worry!! especially since it’s marcos pov and the two are friends, you’re gonna see a lot more of the men interactions (jean even speaks to phoenix too but shhhhh)

“amara’s way from parasite” HELPPPP i really traumatized you guys with that book i swear 💀💀 every comment is like “FORESHADOWING???” or “AMARA WHAT IS THIS”

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i-dreamed-i-had-a-son · 3 years

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I just watched Wrath of Khan twice in a row (for an online class) and thought, hey, you know what, I bet you have lots of feels about That Scene in the reactor chamber and would love to share the angst.

Oh my goodness firstly I am so sorry I haven't answered your other ask yet!! I am working on it this last book is just proving...less than satisfactory 😅

But yes I have SO many thoughts--I just haven't seen the whole movie yet 😂 I am trying my best to go chronologically and avoid spoilers but that scene has already been spoiled so it's definitely something I'm familiar with, I just don't have the context of the first two movies to really back it up, ya know?

That said, hoo boy is it a doozy. I have to say my favorite part is...well, I can't pick one, but some of my favorite parts:

Spock immediately jumping to "did it work?", desperate to justify his sacrifice, but also knowing Jim's world is ending and gently telling him, "Do not grieve"...

Really just how Spock focuses on Jim's emotions for the whole scene. He makes a joke (just like Jim does in these situations), he explains why he had to do what he did, he reminds Jim that the crew is safe--and then he finally admits the depth of his love and care for Jim. Spock needed him to know how much he mattered.

Quick aside I also love how as he rises he adjusts his jacket. This is actually because Nimoy did this reflexively as the outfit tended to ride up on all of them, but it is so in-character that Spock would want to be dignified in his death, not just for himself, but for Jim's sake too.

The Vulcan salute on the window??? How JIM SO GENTLY MOVES TO TOUCH IT IN REPLY BUT "I COULDN'T TOUCH HIM...WE WERE SEPARATE" AUGHHHH...how Spock is reaching out at his last moments but the comfort he's always wanted is just out of reach???? Curse you, Shatner, for the brilliant idea of having them be separated by a thin pane of glass "to represent the walls that Spock has always put up" that might be see-through but still keep people, even Jim, at a distance, however small...curse you

The eye contact,,, Spock locks eyes with Jim for basically the whole scene, which is something he almost never does in vulnerable moments, but he does it now because it's a lifeline--he needs to connect with Jim any way he can, he needs that support--and also because that's what Spock does when he is deeply concerned about someone (like how he looks at Bones in the Empath, or how he looks at Jim in the hallway when he grabs his arm (TOS)) and basically Spock is trying desperately to make sure Jim is going to be ok

How Spock says "Live long and prosper" which is both a customary farewell, which by the way Jim has only heard many years ago on Vulcan when he saved Spock's life, so it's another small way to speak to the bond between them because Jim knows what it means when someone else wouldn't have understood the cultural and personal significance of the phrase, and is ALSO Spock not-at-all-subtly telling Jim, "You are not going to give up. You are going to live many more years, and you are going to lead a good life, and you are going to thrive, because this will not break you. Your ship is safe. Your crew is safe. I cannot protect you from this, but you must protect yourself. You do not end here." And if it isn't the most Spock-like thing ever to express so much through so little...and he says it so bravely, so firmly, almost like he's defying death...

And ALSO. THIS MAN. DISCREETLY HINTED THAT HE WASN'T TRULY GONE. He couldn't know whether it would work for sure, he only had a hope, but Spock was going to pass that hope on if he could. He says, "I have been, and always shall be, your friend." Always shall be. Firstly let me say I love how he never forgot about Edith Keeler and is referencing what she said about where he belongs--which of course Jim was also there for, and that is also a deeply personal memory for him which references again how close they are--and secondly, he's making ANOTHER reference to their past because Spock has told Jim before that he feels friendship for him, but that he's ashamed by that (S1E4), and now in his final moments he's admitting what he could never admit before, what caused him such pain after the mission ended and when he returned and saw his t'hy'la again, and he's finally saying it proudly and he is not ashamed. But I fully believe Spock also meant that phrase to speak of the future, however imprecise and illogical it might be. How was he to know that they would find each other again, and again, even across universes? But the truth is the truth.

Speaking of, when Spock Prime finds Jim on the ice planet in 2009? What does he say? Well first he RECOGNIZES HIM, and the way he says his name with such familiar warmth, because--of course it's Jim. Who else would it be? And he says, "How did you find me?" because Spock had just lost his planet and he was anguished and alone and so it is the most obvious thing in the world--in the universe--that somehow, despite all that logic might say, Jim is looking for him. Of course Spock believed Jim came to find him. He did before, and death never stopped him then. Why should it now?

But then when Jim is confused, before even saying his name, Spock says, "I have been, and always shall be, your friend." This is how they know each other. It isn't the first time he's repeated it to Jim to express how lasting their bond is. But it is the deepest expression of what they share. And starting immediately and lasting for the rest of the movie, despite initially knowing nothing about Jim--even expressing surprise that he isn't the captain--Spock calls him only Jim. We never once hear "Captain" or anything of the sort, even before he knew it wasn't an accurate title. Spock speaks to Jim, especially during the mind meld, as though he's known him for ages.

Because he has.

He always has.

And it's good to see him again.

#and i have many many many more thoughts about the other snippets i've seen from the movies #but let me tell you when i get my hands on those movies (and the novelizations of which i own four) the content you will see #the sheer amount of it. the stream. will be unbelievable #star trek #spock #jim kirk #star trek ii #star trek ii: the wrath of khan #my meta posts #kay can i just catch my breath for a second #responses aka the ramblings of my brain #also aslanscompass thank you so much for sending me asks!! it's always such a delight to see + to hear from you! thank you :)#star trek aos #my ultimate favorite posts #had to do it bro i'm sorry this is what i love most about them #they find each other in EVERY LIFETIME THEY ARE ALWAYS TOGETHER AND ALWAYS HAVE BEEN AUGHHH #right in the feels #augh the pain

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tfw-no-tennis · 3 years

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mtmte liveblog issue 17

and we’re back!

phew I had to take a hiatus to work on other projects but now that those are done I'm baaaack

god I'm SO fucking excited for this arc, I fucking love it

OH NO TAILGATE...I almost forgot...this poor little dude

REMAIN IN LIGHT BABEYYYYY!!! I fucking love that title, talking heads is probably my favorite band Ever, and that album is one of my favorites, so when I first saw it here I was super excited lol. it’s such a good title, both for the album and for this arc

tailgate goes right to cyclonus ;_; hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

also...I just love the way milne draws cyclonus, he’s the perfect mix of terrifying and handsome, and also goth

ohhhhh I forgot about the framing device used here, with rodimus in jail later on in this arc, narrating retrospectively

cybercrosis, add that to this list of amusing robo-puns, as a play on (I'm assuming) necrosis, aka tissue death

oof, ratchet saying that tailgate ‘lived a full life,’ which is fucking brutal because we as the readers know that isn't true :(

tg is right tho, it seems v uncommon for tfs to die of old age. that's some shit luck right there, espec bc tg is basically a baby who was asleep for 6 million years

ratchet talking abt pharma and looking at his hands...I See That

ratchets bedside manner leaves a bit to be desired hvbhjdsubfjsd jesus dude

and then there's cyclonus, whos also pretty terrible at being tactful

AUGHHHH and then cyclonus, like the emotionally repressed icon he is, goes and claws his own face up in grief rather than express any emotion to tailgate :( I'm in physical pain thanks

rodimus is like, wait...informing my crew about my actions? lmao? uhh what quest...oh yeah we’re on a quest. yeaaaah whatever man

the portal helllllll yessssssss

poor tg drinking away his impending death

oh man, chromedomes weird fucked up skeleton arm

rodimus hhvbhjaudsfbjaskdf he’s like yeahhhh I'm not even gonna pretend to indulge in democracy, we are GOING thru that giant ass space portal whether you fools like it or not

AND THERES THE MFING MOON BABEYYYY!

luna 1!!!!!! they found the missing moon BY ACCIDENT, fucking iconic

still cant believe rodimus’s office is HOT PINK with a FLAME DECAL around the door. unreal

awww I love percy

rodimus, in a shocking show of maturity, admits that rung was correct to be harsh with him about the whole overlord thing

the squad gettin together ayyyy

rodimus reminding us all that this ISNT just a party ship full of frat boys, people have DIED

when you see tg and realize that that was cyclonus’s request ;_;

aughhh and cyc saying ‘never hope. hope is a lie.’ that kills me man aughhhh

like, cyclonus clearly doesn't want to deal with the emotions he’s feeling over tg dying so he’s trying to make sure that tg accepts death and doesn't hope for a cure, bc that would hurt cyclonus MORE, and he’s already unused to all these ‘emotions’ n shit

I'm sorry but the MARBs just look so fuckin dorky bvhjakbdfhsf beep beep here comes the dweeb squad!!! lmaoooo

cd being like ‘can’t we just drive’ and perceptor is right there like :| LMAOOOO

also I love cd saying ‘sometimes I wonder why we even have alt modes’ bc I feel like that's such a witty dig at the fact that in this series about robots that transform into cars, we rarely get to seem them actually DO that

its especially interesting when you consider how important functionism is in this story - alt modes are super important in that context, but we still rarely get to see them. hell, we literally NEVER saw megatrons alt mode, which is still crazy to me

ohhhh man I love that panel where the whole moon lights up, that's just amazing

congratulations, rodimus! it’s....a shitton of babies!

also broooo I ufcking love the fact that you barely even notice that rung ALSO hopped down onto the moon at the same time as rodimus...brilliant

god now I need to go find that ‘am i pragnent?’ video lmaooo

why....why did you have to use the word ‘fertilized,’ jro. why....

cold construction lore time!

do I wanna do my big biology speech here? I'm trying to figure out where it would go best...I think ill save it for later in this arc

god I fucking love brainstorm. his entire little speech about how he ‘went to marches’ for cold construction rights and whatnot is so funny with the added context that he’s an MTO and wasn't even around for that

skids, don't just sit in the spooky oil reservoir, alone, after you just went thru a mysterious portal, you should be more genre savvy than that

what am I saying, this is the guy who wants his memories back even though he’s been told multiple times that it’ll probably traumatize him to death

brainstorm with the 0.1%er spark [eyes emoji]

I love percy just being horrified at the lack of proper scientific conduct from brainstorm like, all the time

I see the cons have their own edgy, weaponed-up version of the MARBs

MINIMUS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I love him aughhh I'm so excited for the stuff w/him this arc

also I totally forgot that you’re supposed to see him introduce himself as ‘ambus’ and be like whoa wait is that dominus????? or someone adjacent to him????

skids vs legislators: part 2!

P H A R M A

DR THOT HIMSELF.....back and immediately making a hand pun, with his chainsaw arm displayed in full glory....amazing

cant believe jro named this one ‘the fecund moon,’ which forced me to google what ‘fecund’ means, which led me to go ‘oh good lord jro WHY’ lmao

I do love that we don't see the ‘part 1 of 5′ til the end - that's a great small reveal that hey, we’re in an arc now!

so there's the end of issue one of remain in light! aughh, I'm so fucking excited for this arc. my first two readthrus this was one of my favorite arcs (my other fav being the time travel arc), and I'm excited to see if its still at the top for me

I feel like the first time I read thru I like this arc a lot cause I actually understood most of it hbvhadjkfbaksjf unlike all the previous stuff, where I was a bit more confused - at this point I at least had a decent grasp on the characters and relationships, so that helped a lot

also apparently one of the songs of this issue is ‘heaven’ by talking heads which AUghhH that song makes me wanna float in the ocean and look at the stars. idk. also I find it a little ironic that that song isn't off the album remain in light lol

either way I love this issue, strong start to the arc with lots of intrigue and worldbuilding, and clearly some incoming status quo changes...cant wait!!

#lj rereads mtmte

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doctorguilty · 4 years

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osdd talk playing therapist with myself in public because I dont know who else to talk to but i my blog makes me feel like im talking to someone jdshskdgfdh

the more research I do about DID the more sense everything fucking makes like I’m angry, like usual, at all the mental health practices I’ve been to throughout my life that completely dismissed all the REALLY important details of the experiences I would describe and be like, I diagnose you like Depression (tm), at best I got c-ptsd from the best therapist I sadly couldnt see very long due to moving, and I also got bpd though every time I see a new therapist they think their job is to debunk my bpd???? cause I don’t fit the stereotypes or whatever so like Good Luck myself for EVER getting a professional to help me with this, I don’t care, I’m not even fucking bothering like going out of my way for it

I’m am pretty confident I fall under secondary structural dissociation (overlapping like, textbook with my bpd and c-pstd, and I’m not sure about the OSDD/DID part perfectly though I’m leaning to OSDD-1? I think that would like, cover the most of me? hm i’m not sure

anyway I understand what’s going on here I FINALLY understand, what I have going on is two (at least two? I can distinguish two right now) ANP’s, aka host personalities, aka parts that manage every day life like work, socializing, etc and I’ll shift between them frequently, like multiple times a day probably most days. which explains super fucking well why I’m ...incredibly detached from my trauma most of the time but can be so hypersensitive to triggers, cause evidently ANP’s don’t integrate trauma and that’s what the EP’s are for and this was a thing with me omg, I was going to EMDR therapy before I had to move in attempts to process trauma??? I didn’t get very far and even the little I did the results were like, super funky, I think thats cause my shit didn’t end at c-ptsd that was just the beginning aughhhh

SO I GET IT OK i get it.... this is why for no explicable reason I would start disliking my name or my outward identity STILL even without it being a gender dysphoria thing because Seth is only one ANP, and there’s another one, (like ig still making the assumption there’s only two but thats currently how its looking), and I’ve been thinking about it like, what to call that, well, I guess, that’s me like kfjldsg me typing at this moment I’ve been just like??? so confused but hey Lore this is why a bit ago I made that post saying I wanted to go by Guilty more online. like seth is still fine that’s my name irl too it doesn’t bother me being called that but there was still something dysphoric about it??

so I know it might be cheesy to like pick names out of my online handle stuff but ;; it’s stuff I’m used to being called and I like it and it’s been with me for years now....... but I think guilty is a perf name to like, refer to the whole system or just like anyone present, I think... for myself I really like Doc, I was making that a nickname but i mean, i dont know if i’d want a whole new name you know like? Doc sounds pretty good and a lot of mutuals were already calling me that!!

I think the split between ANP’s is probably like, close to 50/50, like it defs depends on situations and stuff like work and social situations, who I’m talking to online?

and then I have those emotional parts, like glitter, and more I havent namedropped yet, I was calling those alters but I think I like it better calling them EP’s, I think ANP and EP speaks more to me than host and alters and such

omg but!! yea! wow! like I was saying last night? I think? the more I come to understand the infinitely better I feel, like esp with the EP’s every time I’ve made mental/emotional headway on that everyone involved felt better so it’s like fuck it, I’ll do all the psychological work myself (slaps my own ass)

i think ultimately I might round this all up in a page on my blog or something,I was iffy to do a sys page but i’m like... wistful I guess like idk where else i could express this stuff ,I cant in everyday life, but i want to! idk I’ll think more abt that later though for now I’ll tag all my stuff so i dont lose it for reference

idk who in their right mind woulda read all this but if you did congrats and like?? if you want to ask any questions you’re welcome to

#seth speaks #d0 n0t r3bl0g #sys talk

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yellingintotheaether · 7 years

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oh boy here it comes

for someone whose emotions show up in overwhelming waves it’s alarming how indifferent i feel right now. like everything is blah. everything is whatever.

two of my good friends are leaving. they are done with college. i’m less worried about seeing someone who will, for the time being, live near me (and is gonna be here early on in may term anyways,,,anxiety is anxiety but they’ll be in the same space)? but the other has graduated, and is moving out for good tomorrow, back upstate. and they’re not good at keeping in touch so tbh it’s possible i may not see them again.

(silly, silly. you thought that last year too and look how far you’ve come)

and idk. i care, but maybe i can’t let myself? maybe i’m tired, maybe i haven’t eaten enough, maybe i’m too swamped by all the other shit to worry about it, maybe i’m getting bad again

i would love to spend my evening with that friend. i don’t like being here alone. i don’t like my roommate being gone. i don’t like my friends leaving.

just now realizing this will be the first year i’m here for post-graduation party. i don’t want that. noise and strangers and extra stimuli aughhhh. i remember sleeping on the couch in the apartment last year for graduation because it felt wrong to be here. and the year before i was Depressed as Hell and left before graduation

but like i don’t want to go home either because all the financial stress makes me crave death’s sweet release and intrusive thoughts say my parents would be better off with just my brother; even though he’s costing them a fortune, he’ll at least someday be useful and idk if i ever will

UGH @ capitalism

but i don’t really think there’s anywhere else to go. and there’s NO FOOD here because of course there isn’t. and as inviting as not eating all week sounds in terms of making me not feel emotional things, i know better. empty stomach = compulsive air swallowing = weeklong illness = vicious cycle of dizziness, dehydration, muscle spasms, 6 am stomach hell

ha. at least that cured me of one bad habit.

go eat, sketch. stop the introspection vortex.

(but what is there to eat????)

you’ve got saltines. you’ve got soup. quit feeling sorry for yourself and eat a thing.

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