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maglors-anion-gap · 9 months

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I've been mulling something over lately. It's almost a given that one will find questionable elements to older texts; some are overt and some sneaky even to the modern eye. There are, undeniably, many such elements in Tolkien's work, and they cause a lot of trouble for marginalized readers and for fan creators grappling with it in relation to meta and fic.

That the Silmarillion is a largely-omniscient myth-text narrative, composed from a variety of drafts, the discarded versions of which we also have access to, further compounds the issue. Who has read what? Who samples from what? How deeply do some themes pervade both the text and the fandom? There are discarded portions that raise eyebrows (and thankfully, were edited out at some point). However, there are moments where those discarded portions shine through the cracks in exposition, dialogue and reasoning left in the official composite text by the sweeping style of the narrative. The composite can be seen to still rest on certain narrative and valuational presuppositions of Tolkien's - presuppositions he assumes the reader to share.

In the text, of course some have value or more of it, some have honor or more of it, some overcome darkness while some naturally succumb to it. The narrative certainty in these characterizations rests on these lurking (racist, antisemitic, ableist) presuppositions, and in some cases handwaves any deeper exploration or explanation.

There seem to be two fan solutions to reckoning with a cross-draft-consistent bigoted theme. 1) Write meta that explores its traits and manifestations in the text and syncretizes canon assertions with authorial biases, and/or fic that directly addresses the in-text impact of these biases. 2) With an awareness of the bigoted themes, create headcanons, new verses, and fic that subverts, rewrites, or negates the original theme. The former refuses to allow the presuppositions of the text to become the presuppositions of the fandom. The latter allows (particularly marginalized) fans generative space, fodder to create anew, breathing room, and expanded perspectives. Different functions, parallel purposes, both important.

Because it's fandom, and it's large, and our idea of on-the-side fun and not our job or our marriage, we do not have the same preferences for how we go about dealing with these textual issues or the cohesive pressure to be like minded (even as we recognize the need to deal with them). One person's way of reckoning with textual biases or gaps may strike another as reaching too far from canon to be of appeal. This is a common reaction to headcanons, canon divergences and alternate universes, and crack or humor, particularly in the tolkien fandom. However, personal preference is not a basis for asserting that someone is reading the text wrong, especially when the issue at hand is one of reparative analysis and creation.

I am drawn to the issue of the Petty Dwarves. Most information on them comes in pieces from disparate drafts and satellite texts. Some information was erased entirely from the published Silmarillion. However, many people have noted the continual issues in Tolkien's treatment of the Dwarves, the iterative issues with his treatment of the Petty Dwarves, and rightly begin to link the two, plumb them down to their connecting factor, and begin excavating the silences in the narrative which Tolkien allows to be filled by presupposition.

I have found that people who cite personal preference may bring up canon elements to excuse or disprove certain readings; I would argue that the canon elements cited are less often exculpatory of our faves and more often proof of deeper biases, proof of biased presupposition as a stand in for rich characterization. Let me explain. We hear from the Sindar that the Petty Dwarves are reclusive, aggressive, and territorial (on this they base their initial assessment that the Petty Dwarves are two-legged animals for hunting). We hear from the Dwarves who cross the Blue Mountains later that the Petty Dwarves descend from expelled Dwarves who were the smallest, weakest, most conniving and self-serving, and violent persons. At one point, Tolkien describes the Petty Dwarves as older residents in Beleriand than both the Sindar and the eastern Dwarves, and the original inhabitants of Nargothrond, and it is them who Finrod hires to finish its construction. Tolkien describes the Petty Dwarves as agreeing to do this under false and duplicitous pretenses (for what reason, he doesn't say); later, Mim tries to kill Finrod (again, the narrative is sparse on motive), and Finrod alternately outs the Petty Dwarves from Nargothrond or pays the other Dwarves to turn them out. Tolkien evidently means for this to paint a picture of a group of people who are inherently wicked, cannot help but be so, are hated and pitied (for one does not preclude the other, and all good people should pity bad people, after all), and bring about their own diminishment. There's the in-universe justification for it.

I mean to explore why it is not satisfactory to leave the matter alone at "the Petty Dwarves brought about their own downfall." To begin, why does Tolkien rely on the characteristics he does when describing both the Petty Dwarves and Dwarves in general? These are multiple pieces of bigotry at play, chiefly some old antisemitic stereotypes (which have already been unpacked at length and by Jewish fans who are more knowledgable than I; if other have more to add, please do so). But I will give it a try.

First, Tolkien never pins down why the Petty Dwarves are expelled westward, only vaguely pinning it on their inborn characteristics. One old piece of antisemitism held that Jewish people were smaller and weaker than gentiles; Jewish men are still held to be less masculine, which can be traced from a medieval supposition that Jewish men menstruated. Coupled with the ableism of expelling the stunted and the inutile, Tolkien describes here a sort of itinerant and pitiful scrounger who does not belong in a society to which it cannot contribute and into which it cannot assimilate. The concept of vagrancy and the homelandlessness (consider the antisemitism in the concept of the cosmopolitan Jew, and Tolkien's deliberate linkage of Dwarves and losing their homes), is further connected to antisemitism by the Petty Dwarves being duplicitous, self-serving backstabbers toward Finrod, who Tolkien sets up as innocent and trusting enough to sleep unguarded near Mim, further juxtaposing the two. Furthermore, the gentile assertion that Jewish people are violent is escalated to accusations of blood libel and sorcery. Tolkien may not go that far, but he ties this predisposition for violence into the passage about Nargothrond, and their territorial defensiveness and their aggression toward the Sindar. Jewish people have long been stereotyped as insular, traditional, and cold to outsiders (consider the gentile furor over "goy"). All of this passes under the surface of the text - where Tolkien does not elaborate, this rises to the surface to color the reading.

When fans identify these elements in the text (and realize they are very similar to Tolkien's handling of the Dwarvish sacking of Doriath, or gold sickness, or Dwarvish isolationism as a whole), they begin to investigate the places they show up in text. The meta they write must try to syncretize the canon of what is said with the authorial context applied in the characterization. The fic they write must try to fill in lazy gaps left, and to imagine and then confront the missing exigence to the conflict while refuting the antisemitic presuppositions upon which the text relies in place of characterization.

Because it's fanwork, some people may have concepts that you think miss the mark or push further with assertions than you think is logical. However, no one who is in good faith creating, exploring, or trying to remedy the issues of the text, can be accused of using their ideas as a cudgel against canon or against others. Discussion is welcome, when it is conducted in good faith as well.

Relying too heavily on the surface-level assertions of canon to shoot down these musings at times verges upon what I have described above: leaning into the in-world justifications of hierarchy and subjugation to excuse the real-world hierarchies upon which these presuppositions are built. It is not so important how or when the Sindar realized the Petty Dwarves were people: what matters is that Tolkien created a character group, designed to be hated and pitied but never respected, onto whom he mapped real world stereotypes, and set them up in events where these stereotypes lead. It's highly worth considering why we are defending portions of text that are inherently bigoted. The whole broth here is the issue, but people are quibbling over whether they've fished out a potato versus a turnip.

#long post #meta #petty dwarves #I talked this over with a good friend of mine before posting.#readers - feel free to chime in #this got very long in the interest of clarity and at the expense of brevity

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blackwoolncrown · 1 year

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Hello! Real question here. How come 'queer' is a white cishetcentric concept?

I feel like I answered that in the very post I mentioned it but on the grounds that this is a good faith question, here is my sentiment on the matter:

'Queer' as a word connotates strangeness, outlier qualities etc.

Contemporary lgbt ppl often tout a stance of reclamation and we are occupied with both being proud of this non-normativity and justifying strangeness as natural.

This makes sense only within a context that still somehow centers and organizes in relation to a sense of normativity that is cis,white,het. Those cannot be separated because the mainstream gender norms were created WITH whiteness during colonization as a justification for the brutal violences against indigenous people.

This whole process of being like "Yeah I *am* strange! I'm weird! That's good! In fact nature is queer too!" is silly to me because again, there s nothing weird or strange about gender or sexual diversity. There is nothing truly strange in all of nature- only from a human normative perspective (and a narrow one at that) that views nature as separate from self, unknowable and somewhat hostile. To itself, nature in all its diversity IS common.

And that's all it is at the end of the day: mundane, natural diversity, the likes of which was and is well documented on the gender/sexuality scale in precolonial indigenous society.

I am not weird, I'm not an outlier. I'm not even 'afraid' of being weird- I just feel like the idea is juvenile. It's reactionary. It's coping. I'm beyond coping.

My identity is common, natural. It is not in opposition to a cis-het identity. It is just one of many possible ways to be. I am not comparing myself to cis het people. I would be me without them.

Let me repeat: I refuse to have an identity that requires cisheterosexuality in its definition. I am entirely disinterested in triangulating myself around or against notions of identity thought up by delirious, violent, spiritually ill europeans some scant handful of generations ago when I can have a sense of identity far broader and older than that.

My people existed for thousands upon thousands of years before 'queerness' was invented and tbh I think that it is an inevitable stumbling block that we today are concerned with looking back at these identities- which were as far as labels are involved more social roles than personal identities- and trying to understand and valuate them through a contemporary queer lens.

overall contemporary LGBT identity struggles are more concerned with seeing sexuality and gender as an individualistically oriented quality than a language of social role and responsibility which IMO is one area where it can fail to provide some people with a sense of personal meaning and solidity they seek. But you can't expect much else from an individualistic culture.

This is not to say that there are not gender/sexuality identities that DO have this quality of being more a social role but it is no wonder that most of that cultural aspect is found with and originates from people of color, generally speaking. This is also not to say there aren't reasons WHY contemporary queer culture is centered around reactivity and response to oppression. I'm just saying like... I don't personally vibe with the idea that my existence and expression is here to be a form of rebellion. I am saying it exists beyond, before, during and after any oppression. I am who I am with or without white people or colonization and ONLY within the context of created-white created-cishet people have I ever been considered 'strange' in any way. I'm not gonna affirm to myself and in my reality some shit ppl like that made up. I'm not in the business of centering the opinions of petty oppressors.

Lastly I feel like a non-zero amount of so-called queer people become so preocupied with reclaiming queerness by expressing an outer strangeness (which has its purpose!) that we overlook that for many what they really fear is being totally unremarkable and common.

I personally find it more important to develop an identity that explains what you do in the village; what you are to your loved ones.

:shrug:

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longwindedbore · 8 months

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No! Legislators should know better. The job of the county assessor is to assign a reasonable valuation for a property. Assessment is not to be used to punish people.

DJT has paid a reasonable amount of property tax on the property given the independent valuations which took into account the covenants restricting its use and occupancy as an Historical Landmark as well as those additional restrictions allowing Donald to use it as a private club or whatever.

DJT’s fraud in the New York case is that he and his organization deliberately misrepresented the nature of the covenants and restrictions when validating the property for purposes of obtaining a loan. Repeatedly. For 20+ properties.

DJT lost the Summary Jusgment because Statute and Case Law were the basis of rejecting each and every counter argument of caveat emptor his attorneys presented. Counter arguments were also denied on appeal. Twice.

Jeff Bezos could decide tomorrow that he can’t live without owning Mar-A-Lago or other Trump property and buys one for $2 billion.

It would not affect that the Trump organization committed fraud each and every time it knowingly FAILED TO DISCLOSE material facts.

If such a purchase occurred, Trump would walk away with a lot of cash but would not be able to do business in New York State.

Trump’s stupidity is that he kept ALL his properties in one New York based umbrella trust instead of incorporating separately in Delaware or in a bunch of different States. Which is how it’s the NY AG who is seizing his assets worldwide.

Not that he would have escaped litigation. All 50 States and the Federal government have these ‘blue sky laws’ like the one Trump is fighting and States/Federal are constantly prosecuting businesses for violating them.

We never hear about these cases because they just aren’t the kind of Infotainment that the Media covers…unless it’s infotainment celebrity like Trump.

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beardedmrbean · 2 months

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Donald Trump's social media company Truth Social completed a merger Friday morning that could net the former president over $3 billion.

Shareholders of Digital World Acquisition Corporation -- a special purpose acquisition company -- approved a merger with Trump Media & Technology Group, which owns Truth Social.MORE: New York AG takes 1st step toward possibly seizing Trump's assets as part of $464M fraud judgment

The company can begin trading as a public company, with the stock symbol DJT on Nasdaq, as early as next week.

Shares in DWAC currently stand around $40 per share.

With Trump owning 58.1% of the common stock in the company, the former president stands to make over $3 billion from the deal depending on how the stock ultimately trades. Experts say it represents a staggering valuation for a social media company that ranks below major competitors like Facebook, X, and TikTok.

However the deal currently includes a lockout provision that prevents Trump from immediately selling or getting loans based on his shares -- potentially limiting Trump's ability to use the windfall as collateral for a bond in his $464 million civil fraud judgment.

Trump faces a Monday deadline to secure a financial guarantee to cover the judgment, after a New York judge in February ordered him to pay $464 million in disgorgement and pre-judgment interest when he found the former president and his adult sons liable for using "numerous acts of fraud and misrepresentation" to inflate his net worth in order to get more favorable loan terms.

Trump has denied all wrongdoing and has appealed the decision in the case.

#nunyas news

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idsb · 2 months

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The way people relentlessly bring up her billionaire status bugs me because she became one after almost two decades of her career. She earned that. It also doesn’t mean she has a billion dollars in her bank account either. (Are people being deliberate obtuse or naturally stupid?) e.g. she’s not going to sell the rights to her music, since it’d defeat the purpose of her re-recording it. I’m so sick of the “she’s a billionaire yadda yadda” bs. It’s just another excuse to invalidate her. Before that it was she’s got “millions.” Before that it was she’s a “blonde white girl.”

first off I would legitimately argue that she is the ONLY ethical billionaire (that I am aware of), because her status overcomes the trope of "you cannot become a billionaire without exploiting people below you": she literally didn't! it came from good & honest work [insert 'it ain't much' reaction image], just making music and touring it, and literally nothing else. any musician I know could technically become a billionaire the way she did by doing literally nothing different. no makeup lines, no retail empire built on the backs of minimum wage employees selling it, no nothing. just making music and playing it to crowds.

also: exactly, the billionaire thing irks me to no end because it's more than 50% based on the valuation of her catalogue, which she has made abundantly clear isn't up for sale under any circumstances. so it's almost a complete moot point. my cat's leg can be worth a billion dollars, too, but if I have no plans to chop off the cat's leg and sell it, I don't actually have a billion dollars.

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propertyvaluers · 1 year

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Unlocking Assets True Valuation For Capital Gains Tax Purposes

Any profit or gain that results from the sale of a "capital asset" is referred to as valuation for capital gains tax purposes. Investments like homes, lands, stocks, mutual funds, jewellery, trademarks, etc. are considered capital assets. Since the gain or profit is regarded as "income," pay taxes in the same year.

#valuation for capital gains tax purposes

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twitter-today · 1 year

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Seeing that Elon is speedrunning Twitter's downfall at a rate much faster than any one of us has expected, do you think that he is crashing Twitter on purpose to get out of having to pay off his loans? I don't really get bankruptcy, but if Twitter goes bankrupt (as opposed to Elon Musk declaring personal bankruptcy) will he effectively have written off his $44B debt without impacting himself too much?

Honestly, I don't think it's intentional. I think Musk operates mostly as a con-man: He needs acolytes that believe his messianic message to operate, so he doesn't get any push-back and rules as a king-god over his companies. At the end of the day, the only reason he's "the richest man in the world" is Tesla being massively over-valuated, in part because he has been lying publicly about the company's future (no, there won't be full autopilot by the end of 2023, he has been promising it 'by the end of the year', quite literally, since 2014) but somehow he has convinced a good chunk of the public opinion of him being a genius that could make his outrageous claims actually possible (spoiler: They aren't). And the side-effect of that is that he has been surrounding himself only with minions for years and he has probably been disconnected from the reality outside his circle of yes-men for years.

So what I think is that he actually expected some resistance from the twitter employees. In part, that's why he came down so hard at them, firing half the staff just a week after landing: That was a power move, trying to scare those who weren't going to be willing sycophants. I think he expected the surviving 'tweeps' to be a mix between "musky boys", enthusiastic about the chance of working for him, and non-so-enthusiastic-but-scared-of-losing-their-job everyone else.

But what he's finding out is that very few people were enthusiastic about him as a boss, and his power moves, instead of inspiring fear, inspired rage. And now ... he may be running the company with just a few hundred employees. Without any kind of knowledge transfer from those who left.

I think he VASTLY overestimated his capacity to 'get people in line' behind his plans. And now he has caused a problem he may not be able to solve.

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robinpronto · 1 year

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"We are all complicit. We've allowed the "market" to define what we value so that the redefined common good seems to depend on profligate lifestyles that enrich the sellers while impoverishing the soul and the earth." Robin Wall Kimmerer 📖 #land #value #landvalue #landvaluation #valuation #realestate #property #study #student #analysis #market #relationship #indigenous #perspective #purpose #direction #decolonize #appraisal https://www.instagram.com/p/Cn3fvkTu8cD/?igshid=NGJjMDIxMWI=

#land #value #landvalue #landvaluation #valuation #realestate #property #study #student #analysis #market #relationship #indigenous #perspective #purpose #direction #decolonize #appraisal

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haggishlyhagging · 7 months

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If we study the literature of the ancient Babylonians and Sumerians, we can no longer believe the description of "pagan" religion that has long been part of Western tradition and is still often found in modern religious writing. Instead of capricious gods acting only in pursuit of their own desires, we meet deities concerned with the proper ordering of the universe and the regulation of history. Instead of divine cruelty and arrogance, we find deliberation and understanding. Instead of lawlessness and violence, we see a developed legal system and a long tradition of reflective jurisprudence. Instead of immoral attitudes and behavior, we find moral deliberation, philosophical speculation, and penitential prayer. Instead of wild orgiastic rites, we read of hymns, processions, sacrifices, and prayers. Instead of the benighted paganism of the Western imagination, cuneiform literature reveals to us an ethical polytheism that commands serious attention and respect.

But this new valuation of paganism creates its own dilemmas and awakens new questions. If the Bible is not the first dawn of enlightenment in a world of total darkness, then what is it? If polytheism was not the dark disaster that our cultural tradition has imagined it to be, why was it abandoned in Israel and replaced by biblical monotheism? If the old religions swept away by our own monotheist tradition were not grossly deficient, how can we find the precise significance of one God as opposed to the many? How does a monotheistic religion develop? Did the god of Israel simply absorb all the functions and attributes of the pagan gods, essentially changing nothing? Or did monotheism represent a radical break with the past after all, a break not as simply defined and immediately apparent as has been believed, but no less revolutionary?

The discovery of advanced polytheism poses a central theological issue: if polytheism can have such positive attributes, what is the purpose of monotheism? Did the Bible simply substitute another system, one that represented no advance towards a better understanding of the universe and a more equitable way of living? Indeed, were there some aspects of paganism lost in the transition that present, in fact, a more positive way of living in the world? The immediacy of these issues makes imperative an analysis of the nature of paganism and the precise nuances and essential messages of the monotheist revolution of the Bible. We cannot build our spiritual quest on prejudiced assumptions and polemical attributions. We must attain a profound knowledge of ancient polytheism and a sophisticated reading of the biblical texts informed by this knowledge. Thanks to the discovery of ancient Near Eastern literature, we have the ability to study these questions, understand our own past religious development, and make informed contributions to our future.

-Tikva Frymer-Kensky, In the Wake of the Goddesses: Women, Culture, and the Biblical Transformation of Pagan Myth

#Tikva Frymer-Kensky #polytheism #monotheism #paganism

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distinctlywhumpthing · 1 year

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Unintentional 25

Previous—Masterlist— Next

CW: BBU-adjacent, institutionalized slavery, dehumanization. Explicit language. Past surgical/medical whump alluded to, hospital setting. As always, beta-read by @alittlewhump <3

Found.

He didn’t know what he was supposed to do with ‘found’.

It wasn’t good or bad or safe or pain or any of the others that WRU had made so bright and shiny and accessible they were practically glued to his hands. Even when he went deeper, spiraling down into the shadowy, muddled places he cared not to linger in, there was no space for it anywhere.

Found.

It didn’t matter anyway. All that mattered was what it meant to Leo.

And he had absolutely no fucking clue.

“Aiden, I found you,” Leo repeated, like he was able to see exactly how long it was taking Aiden to glean any meaning from the phrase.

His head was hurting, even with all the drugs he’d agreed to. That had to be a bad sign, a sign that they’d lied and the drugs were doing something else since they certainly weren’t eradicating all of his pain. He made sure his grip hadn’t changed around Leo’s hands. Leo’s hands holding his. Like maybe they were all that was holding him together.

Leo was almost smiling, his eyes still full of emotion. A few tears had fallen just moments ago before he’d made an apology exactly like the one Aiden should have made and couldn’t make. Leo’s eyebrows were still raised because he was expecting this to mean something but Aiden wasn’t clever enough to figure it out. More tests that Harrison designed him to fail.

He nodded once, holding his breath, hoping to hell that Leo would give him some indication that it was the correct response or at least one that would earn him more explanation.

Leo tilted his head a fraction of a centimeter to the left and took a breath but the exhale was shorter than the inhale, more audible.

Fuck.

Aiden flinched when Leo reached for his shoulder. “M’sorry,” he mumbled.

“You’re good.” Leo rubbed his thumb in circles over the starchy fabric of the hospital gown.

He wanted to cry. He wasn’t good. None of this could be leading anywhere good.

Leo leaned forward, for some reason undeterred from driving at this point. “Aiden, the day we met. When you woke up in the back of my van, remember?”

Yes, he remembered. A promising first impression.

“That morning, I stopped to get coffee on my way to work and I found you—”

Found whatever lies Harrison had written, raising his hopes so they’d have even further to fall.

“I found you, unconscious in a snowbank off the parking lot—”

No…

“I-I thought you were homeless. I was going to give you my coffee but when I saw you—” Leo reached for his cheek and this time Aiden was too stunned to flinch. “—I just, I didn’t think twice, I wanted to help you, to keep you safe.”

None of this made any sense. Why would he make something like this up? What was the point?

Leo let out a breath, like a sigh. Was he relieved?

He was looking at Aiden expectantly again and Aiden wanted to scream.

Why couldn’t Leo just give him the answer?

“I didn’t even realize that you were a—” Aiden was left to hang in the full shame of what he was, what he had been reduced to. “—Companion. I just wanted to help. I’m sorry I fucked it up, not seeing what was right in front of me, not helping you as well as I could have.”

There really wasn’t any point in trying to understand the purpose of this fresh test.

Christ, it was convoluted and he was way too damaged to ever hope to follow.

His throat ached from holding back sobs.

Nothing he could do would make anything better.

Worse might be possible, but at this point, did it really even matter?

“What I’m trying to say is that I didn’t—Aiden, are you with me, sweetheart?”

His gaze had shifted off Leo’s face to stare, unfocused, at the light of the MRI machine coming through the window.

Leo searched each of his eyes, one and then the other, to make sure he was paying attention now.

He burned under the valuation.

“Aiden, I didn’t buy you, I—”

“Stop.” He stood, the chair rolling away behind him.

Did he just say that out loud?

He staggered back, away from Leo and in search of his balance.

It was all too much, all of this was too much.

“Aiden?” Leo rose to follow him slowly, hands at his sides. Always so careful and calculating.

“Nnn—please,” he sobbed.

“Easy, it’s okay—”

He shook his head, pressing the heels of his palms into his temples.

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry,” Leo said quickly. He reached his hand out. “I didn’t mean—I only wanted—”

“Don’t!” Louder than he’d intended, clearer than he thought he was capable of. “Nnn…please,” he added too late. Leo’s face had already fallen, just for a moment before he’d returned to looking concerned.

“Don’t…come near you?”

Nothing could have been worse. Aiden let himself crumple to the ground, arms coming up around his head as he tried to fold away. To sink into the grave he’d dug for himself hand over fist.

“Oh, sweetheart…”

Aiden shook his head, sobbing. Everything ached. “Nnn—please…nnno…don’t…nnn…lie—”

After a while, he wondered if maybe he hadn’t said it out loud. Or Leo hadn’t heard his whisper. Or was pretending he hadn’t heard. He tried to quiet his crying to hear. Maybe Leo had left and now, finally—

“I’m going to come sit by you, okay?”

He didn’t move or object so Leo crossed the room and sat beside him. Aiden peeked out to see him dragging a hand over his face, elbows on his knees.

“There’s probably a dozen better ways I could’ve explained that. Delia told me to wait, she was probably right—she’s always right. I’m sorry.” He sighed, glancing over and caught Aiden watching him. He smiled that half-smile, the one that made a few lines appear by his eyes, the one that looked so kind. “Hi, hon.”

He flushed, despite himself, despite everything, and was so glad his face was covered. Leo’s smile faded and in another well-trained reaction Aiden feared he was disappointed. He almost reached for one of the practiced responses, out of habit, to try to salvage the exchange.

“I’d never lie to you, Aiden. I know there’s nothing to make you believe that’s not just another lie but I have no reason to lie to you, sweetheart.”

Aiden couldn’t see the reason either. Unless it were just for sport, which would mean Leo was exactly like Harrison, and Aiden couldn’t face that at all.

He lifted his head, resting his chin on his knees. His arms were starting to throb from holding his legs up to his chest.

Leo smiled again, same smile as always.

Same as the time he’d torn open a bag of mini marshmallows in the parking lot, sending them skittering all over the slush, trying to bribe Aiden out from under his van. Same as when he saw Aiden waiting for him downstairs every morning. Same as when he came home every day.

His heart hammered in his chest. It didn’t seem possible that he could be interpreting all of this right. That any of this was right for him. There was one way to tell. He was pretty sure he’d said it before, correctly, even though he hadn’t really meant to. He’d always been too afraid to practice. The name had never felt like it belonged to him to say.

The sounds were all there, like they wanted to be spoken. He took a breath—

“Leo?”

Aiden jumped and Leo put a hand on his back. “It’s just Delia.”

“Hey, checking in. We can head back now.”

They each took a side and lifted helped Aiden to his feet. Delia’s name tag clicked against her stethoscope as she leaned down to help Leo. He couldn’t read her name, of course, but there she was in the photo, a wry smile on her lips. He wondered if she had been instructed to look serious but couldn’t keep a straight face or if the security guard in charge of pictures had a sense of humor.

This was definitely not a place for people like him.

This was a real hospital.

Delia was a real doctor.

If Leo didn’t have any papers or a contract for him, they really weren’t anywhere remotely related to WRU.

All of that sneaking around had been real.

What exactly were Leo and Delia risking by bringing him here?

“Sweetheart?” Leo’s hand on his cheek made him gasp.

He looked between their faces. Apparently, they’d meant for him to be paying attention.

Leo caught onto his panic. “Hey, it’s okay.” He moved his hand down to rest on Aiden’s shoulder. “We’ll head back now. You don’t need to do the scan, okay? It wasn’t fair of me to expect that of you. You can rest a bit more until it’s okay for us to go home. Sound good?”

His head nodded automatically. Leo kept one arm around him as they turned toward the door.

He planted his feet.

Leo stopped guiding him. “Aiden?”

He just wanted—he couldn’t— He flapped a hand. What the fuck was that going to convey? He used it to cover his face instead, shaking his head. “Mmm’sorry…m’sorry…”

“It’s okay, take your time. We still have time,” Delia said.

The silence swelled as they waited for him, waited on him.

Leo and Delia exchanged a glance that made him want to evaporate. They were confused and he couldn’t fucking articulate a single goddamn thought in his head. This was not going to work or end well. He couldn’t do this.

He kneaded his brow, squeezing his eyes shut.

“Does it hurt, hon?” Leo rubbed his shoulder.

Aiden shook his head and tried to swallow the knot of frustration building in his throat. “Mmm…I…I…”

Leo considered him patiently, with that concerned crease appearing right between his brows.

Aiden couldn’t decide if it made him want to fall into his arms or at his feet.

He should just be cooperative and go back.

But maybe it wasn’t only selfish. Leo deserved to know. Even if he was pretending it didn’t matter how damaged Aiden was. Not to mention whatever that meant if Leo hadn’t even wanted a companion in the first place.

Now, he’d done it. Tears started running down his cheeks. He swiped at them with the back of his unbandaged hand but they kept coming. He groaned and it just sounded like a sob.

“Aiden, honey. Whatever it is, it’s okay.”

He wondered erratically if he might actually respond better to having it beat out of him. If all of this kindness and patience and consideration was what made him flounder. How could Leo still be so patient with him after the tantrum he’d thrown earlier?

“I…mmm…mmm…” Forget about want, need, have to. It was like Harrison had reached in and removed specific words from his head. Which was exactly the reason why this was so important. He pointed at the black monitors lined up under the window, cringing at how debasing the monkey-gesturing was. “…please?”

“You—you want to do the scan?”

Something released inside of him, letting free a sob too. He nodded, wiping his face again.

Leo’s brow furrowed even more. “I’m sorry, I should have asked. I didn’t think—”

He shook his head quickly, now crying in earnest. This was a mistake. He shouldn’t have done or said anything to make Leo—

“Alright, okay. Hey, Aiden, hey.” Leo moved closer, squeezing both his shoulders. “It’s okay. If this is what you want, we’ll make it happen.”

He sniffled and nodded. He wanted to sink into the floor for making so much trouble. For the way it was making him feel to have Leo gently thumbing the tears off his face and acting like everything really was going to be okay.

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