#PLEASE i HAD to do this while this whole debacle is still Relevant
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the Fun Gang visits the Willy Wonka Experience ™️
#deltarune#spamton#kris deltarune#susie deltarune#ralsei#jevil#gaster#PLEASE i HAD to do this while this whole debacle is still Relevant#because an ai generated willy wonka themed scam#is the MOST spamton thing. EVER.#my art#long post
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And then I wrote more Bill not having memories! Whoops.
Part one is here. Second part under the cut.
“Hmmm.” Mabel narrows her eyes, thinking - then shrugs. Apparently she didn’t need much time to process this incredibly weird situation. “It’s not that bad, really.”
Across the lawn, Bill’s lining up another shot. His tongue sticks out of the corner of his mouth as he winds up, a gleeful glint in his single golden eye.
How the gnome stays on the golf tee when it’s trembling like that is anybody’s guess.
“Look, he seems just fine!” Mabel gestures over the lawn, arms spread wide. “He’s still Bill.”
And that’s true. Bill’s never been anything but himself. Even this debacle has barely made a dent on him.
Dipper kicks his legs idly, as they dangle over the porch. “I guess.”
Though what a ‘dent’ it is.
“Yeah, he’s fine,” Mabel claps her hands together, beaming. “Hey Bill! Nice shot!”
Another gnome’s scream trails off as it rockets past. His sister shouts encouragement, and Bill says something approving.
Dipper rests his head in his hands.
Mabel’s totally missing the point.
This is a problem, and it's a big one.
Bill Cipher is one of the most powerful demons in existence. He’s the master of a whole realm, when he can get to it. He’s both a mental monster and a madman. None of those are usually an issue in their day-to-day lives, they sorted that out a long time ago.
The real issue is that he's a powerful being doesn’t exactly have a lot of friends around, and Bill’s already made his point about his pivotal place in the multiverse.
Thankfully, he’s also made plenty of space for himself to dick around on the mortal plane. Bill won’t be missed for a while. By anybody.
He’s still 'here'. In a way.
“Mabel, I’m like, ninety percent certain he should be dead.” The last gnome goes flying in a long arc. Dipper turns his twin back to face him, meeting her eyes. “Like, really dead this time.”
“Huh,” Mabel blinks, smile dropping. “Cause like,” She points at her head with both hands, rocking from side to side. “Brain dude!”
“Exactly.” Dipper shakes her shoulders, willing her to understand. “Mabel, that’s all he is.”
Mind demons are all mind. Even Bill, the self-described ‘head honcho’ doesn’t have a physical form in reality. He’s made out of his own thoughts, and his own memories, and an absolutely absurd amount of magic.
A magic that targeted his very essence should have wrecked him far, far worse than this.
This entire situation makes no sense.
Bill doesn’t seem to know that, since he continues existing.
Already he’s stalking back over the lawn, his makeshift golf club over his shoulder. He whistles a bright tune as he walks.
Then his eye lights on Dipper, and he starts grinning.
“Why worry? He's doing fine, Dipper,” Mabel leans in, nudging her shoulder against his. “And this part is, like, super cute.”
“It’s really not.”
Mabel's finger pokes into Dipper’s cheek, twisting around. “He still likes youuu!”
“Please shut up.” Dipper pushes her hand down. His face feels hot.
This part is one of the weirder parts of Bill’s weird, continued existence - but at least it keeps him focused on something that’s not destroying, or conquering.
Bill plops himself down with aplomb, sitting next to Dipper. He leaves about half an inch of space between them. “Y’see that, kid?”
Dipper doesn’t budge. “You didn’t even have a target.”
“Nah, I had targets.” Bill wags a finger in front of his face. “Where I sent ‘em isn’t relevant.”
Dipper hears the sound of a high-five behind him. His shoulders slump.
“You could have said something.” He mutters. This is usually his thing to handle.
“And I did! To Bill.” Mabel looks surprised. She pulls something from her pocket. “And for your service, Bill, I hereby award you - The Mabel Medal of Gnome Knowingness!”
Bill takes the bedazzled trinket with a grin, and pins it to his shirt. “Couldn’t be more honored.”
Dipper stares for a moment.
But no, that tracks.
No matter what, his sister and his husband are connected by a type of cheerful chaos he simply doesn’t understand.
She set him on this task before she knew about the situation - he only told her a minute ago - but Bill is always into amusing violence. No wonder that worked out.
“You’re looking at me like I’ve grown a second head,” Bill tilts his own to one side. He hums for a second, then snaps his fingers. “Y’know, there’s a good way to check that! Let’s count shoulders.” He taps his own with one, and two.
Dipper stares into the woods, and tries to ignore Mabel’s giggling.
By the ‘count’ of three, he’s already leaned away from Bill - but the ‘four’ ends up on his left shoulder, and by then there’s no escape.
“Yep, seems like everything’s in order!” Bill doesn’t pull him closer, though his arm is heavy over Dipper, tapping his fingers idly. “What’s with the face?”
Dipper turns away. Bill's always weird, but this new way is unusually weird, and it's weirding him out.
“Yeah, that one.” Bill leans in close, and now Dipper can feel him chuckle. “You get pouty about the weirdest things.”
Bill Cipher doesn’t have any memories. He doesn’t know about their time together, or who they are to each other.
He shouldn’t want to do this at all.
That thought doesn't take the weight off Dipper's shoulders, though, or make him miss the way Bill's leaning on him.
“And lemme just say - you’re less helpful than you should be,” Bill taps his fingers against Dipper’s shoulder in a quick, annoyed pace. “You coulda reminded me of-” His eye darts at Mabel, then focuses back. “A lotta stuff.”
And yeah, Dipper hasn’t.
Because he hasn't had a chance.
it’s been barely six hours - and even then, Bill wandered off and did his own thing for more than half of it. He didn't wait around for any explanations before he started making trouble.
Though he’ll give Bill credit. He’s handled the weirdness of Gravity Falls expertly, and Mabel too. He didn’t give himself away in the slightest.
Someone else did that.
“So! Did you a favor. ” Bill leans closer to Mabel, bracing himself with a hand on Dipper’s thigh. “Now clear off, ‘cause Dipper and I need to chat.”
Mabel leans back, alarmed. “Wait, it’s ‘Dipper’ now?”
Dipper’s rapid head-shaking makes her pause. He makes an X with his arms, for emphasis.
Bill and her get along, sure. They relate on a level Dipper doesn’t resonate on, and maybe never will -
But Bill doesn’t know that she knows his situation. The contract means she’s safe, but it’s better not to test it.
“It’s not, huh.” Bill’s eye narrows. The grin turns even wider, and his hand squeezes Dipper’s thigh, just above the knee. “Coulda fooled me.”
“What?” Mabel huffs, indignant. “Of course he’s Dipper!” She swats at Bill’s face with a loose bit of sweater - then smacks herself on the forehead. “Ugh. Duh-doy. It’s cause you forgot.”
Bill’s grin vanishes.
Dipper shrugs off the arm, stands, and he drags Mabel along with him. “And this is the point where you should go.” He glances over his shoulder, but Bill’s staying still.
Good.
Bill hates this, he doesn’t want anyone knowing this, and even unintentionally needling Bill about it isn’t going to make the process of fixing him any easier.
He’s always the worst, but he’s the most worst when he’s pouting.
“Oh, no no no,” Bill’s grinning again. He pats the ragged wood of the porch invitingly, and waggles his eyebrows. “Looks like you and I have a _lot_ to talk about.” He looks them over slowly - and grins wider. “Since your brother isn’t speaking up.”
Damn it.
Bill’s too good at humans. He called that relation correctly, even though he wasn’t told.
“Let’s start with issue one,” Bill practically purrs as he stands, hands resting on Dipper’s shoulders.
Dipper steadies himself. He feels one Bill’s thumbs press into the back of his neck. The other comes around to jab at his face.
“This guy single?”
Mabel covers her mouth, which does absolutely nothing to hide her delight.
Damn it, she thinks this is cute, even though it’s not, in any way, shape, or form.
“Yeah he is!” Rings out at the same time as Dipper truthfully states, “I’m not.”
“Now there’s a contradiction.” Bill’s voice is bright. He rubs his thumb up Dipper’s neck, then down again. “I like it!”
“Mabel, please stop.” Dipper makes finger quotes, “‘Helping’.”
If anything, she’s doing the opposite.
“You sure?” Mabel looks him up and down. She waggles her sweater-hand, looking just past him. “If you need a hand, then-”
“I don’t, because I’m sure,” Dipper remains unmoved. Bill’s hands are roaming on his back, but it’s not distracting. “I just have to…”
Figure out how to reverse engineer a memory-eliminating gunshot, and how it would effect-without-effecting a Mind demon. Without any input from either the guy who’s an expert on demons, or the demon himself.
It’s... theoretically doable. With enough time and effort.
“It’s fine,” Dipper says, for lack of anything else.
He thinks that’s Bill’s cheek resting against his hair - but if he moves, it’ll end up against his neck, so he doesn’t.
“Yeah, you got this. Wink.” Mabel points double finger guns at… probably both of them? It’s hard to tell.
“Thanks?” Dipper isn’t sure what to say.
Bill’s arm raises up in his view, with a thumbs up. Dipper smacks it back down.
“Wink.” Mabel says again, this time with the gesture involved. “I’ll let you guys get to it.” She hops off the porch, humming to herself. “I had plans with Pacifica anyway.”
“Uh,” Dipper reaches out - then lets his arm drop, hugging it to his side. “You sure?”
“Dipper, I’m not a memory-magic-person-guy! And I wanna go on my date.” Mabel braces her fists on her hips. “You guys are super smart! You’ll figure it out.”
She says it with such confidence -
And you know what?
They actually are.
Dipper knows he’s smart, and Bill is too, and they’re both into mysteries, and magic. That’s never stopped being true, even if one of them is a bit dented at the moment.
Behind him, Bill lets out a low, interested hum.
Dipper nods with something like probable confidence. “Cool. I mean-” He straightens up. “Yeah. I’ll definitely get this figured out.”
Bill clears his throat. “Hey! You’re not the only smart guy around.” And Dipper can hear the smirk on his face - “Someone’s a little arrogant.”
Dipper jabs a finger up without looking. It catches Bill in the cheek. “Don’t even start.” Bill has zero ground to stand on there.
“Yeah, I knew you guys would be fine.” Mabel gives them a double thumbs up, as the low purr of the Northwest limo approaches.
Just before she steps in, she pauses. “Psst. Bill,” Mabel not-at-all whispers, cupping a hand near her mouth. “It was ‘sapling’!”
Bill waves a slow and dramatic goodbye. Dipper crosses his arms over his chest.
The limo races off, finally. Bill’s ‘secret’ is absolutely being told to someone else, too, but the quiet left behind is almost a relief.
Stan’s out of the Shack for once, dealing with Ford. Mabel’s gone for the evening. Bill stands near him, hand on his waist. He’s a warm and familiar presence, in multiple ways.
Now It’s just him, and Bill.
In other circumstances, this would be Dipper’s cue to lean his head on Bill’s shoulder. Relax a bit. Maybe even-
“‘Sapling’, huh?”
“Let’s not get into it.” It’s a diminutive of ‘Pine Tree’, that was easy enough to tell. Except Dipper never learned where the original nickname came from, and Bill would ask about the etymology. “Just forget it again.”
“No thanks,” Bill says, finally stepping away to stand next to him, instead of behind him like a creep. “I’ve had enough of that for forever.”
“Right.” Time to focus. Dipper smacks a fist into his other palm. “We’ll fix you, and that's-” They'll start with... What to start with. “I’ll be easy.”
Bill makes an amused sound. “You don’t know crap about memory stuff, do ya?”
“It’s not like you do.”
Dipper’s working with an amnesiac, and while Bill's smart, that’s not exactly the greatest situation.
“Hey!” Bill actually looks offended. He rests a hand on his chest, with quiet dignity. “Of course I do! I’m not working from ground zero here, kid.”
And that’s blatantly untrue.
Dipper reels on him. “Bill, you don’t-”
Bill interrupts. “Alright, alright. Here’s memory basics, for losers.” He starts counting off on his fingers, rolling his eye. “You got your short-term, your long-term, and the second’s made up outta implicit and explicit memory. So! Since I’m not forgetting conversations twelve seconds in, and I know how to friggin’ dress myself - better than you, by the way-”
Bill’s rude, and loud, and he goes on, and on, and on. He rambles on tangents that seem to go nowhere, until they meet up with the original point, then meander onto something else. He paces as he talks.
Dipper starts patting his pockets.
Where’s his pen? And good, he does have a notebook, perfect.
The information comes out rapid-fire, too quick and annoyed at the very idea of being ignorant for it to be a lie.
Bill never could stand that. Or resist a chance to show off.
“And that is why you suck at this.” Bill finishes, triumphant. After a moment, he blinks, and adds, “Cute, sure. But you got some serious knowledge deficiency going on.”
Dipper decides to ignore that. He flips through his notes.
“I get it now,” He taps his pen against the paper. “Telling you stuff won’t reconnect anything.” He looks up, realizing. “You need experiences.”
Dipper should have figured something was up, the second Bill wandered off. It was weird, and concerning, it was almost like Bill didn’t want to hear about himself.
Turns out that was true.
For all his talk of ‘trust’ - Bill assumes everyone’s as prone to lying as him. Hearing false things about himself would at best muddle the waters, and make things more complicated.
The quick route to getting himself back was to experience everything he could, as quickly as possible.
That didn’t work out for Bill. His entire existence is weird, especially his existence in reality - but his theory was solid. The good news is that his solution makes sense.
Best of all, it’s doable.
Dipper starts smiling.
This should be easy. Compared to what he was worried about, it’s downright simple.
There’s no weird magic shenanigans, no demonic powers, just regular, mostly-normal things. People, and locations. Things Bill's been through before, connected through the basic senses. Sight and sound, touch, and taste -
How much will smell be involved, Bill’s true form doesn't have a nose -
Bill’s been oddly quiet. “Huh.” He says.
A beat, then. “You really listened to all that.”
Dipper frowns. He double-checks his notes, flipping through them. “Uh- I think -” He looks up. “Wait, am I missing something?”
“Nah, you got the gist of it.” Bill grins again, spreading his arms wide. “Enough familiar stuff should jumpstart the ol’ recollection engine.” He taps his temple twice.
Dipper nods slowly, and seriously. “I really think it will.”
“Great!” Now Bill claps his hands together. He stalks in, and pokes Dipper on the chest. “But don’t get too loose-lipped, kid. I don’t need spoilers.”
“I-” Dipper starts to protest, and stops. He holds his hands up in defeat. “You know what? I get it.” He rolls his eyes. “You do you, I guess.”
Bill could have had all the answers he wanted from Dipper, right from the start. He settled for the basics - the name of the town, Dipper’s name, the general area - and wandered off to work out the rest.
Bill doesn’t want to be told things. Or at least, not everything.
He has his own bespoke mystery going on. Something interesting, and fun, that he's going to unravel with only minor help. This entire thing is a game to him.
He’s also arrogant enough to think that there’s zero downsides.
“Buuut,” Bill draws the word out, looking away. “As it turns out, I need some reference points! And we know each other already,” He gestures over the landscape. “Where’s my usual digs?”
Bill doesn’t want ‘spoilers’, okay.
When he's stuck, he’s apparently fine with using Dipper as a hint button.
“I-” Dipper sighs. He starts with the first, most obvious fact . “You’re not from around here, Bill.”
“Ugh, that figures,” Bill mutters. He looks oddly disappointed. “Spend all that time and effort, and there’s only one point of reference that seems familiar.” He glances at Dipper. “So, I’m here right now, because I’m doing…?”
“Uh,” The obvious answer is also a terrible one. Dipper looks away. “I… think this was basically your vacation spot.”
“You think?” Bill looks him over, halfway surprised. He rolls his hand in the air, beckoning with a grin. “C’mon, we gotta know each other better than that.”
“Yeah, pretty well. ” But they’ve never talked about Bill’s feelings regarding Gravity Falls. Or... other stuff. “Bill, did you really think you told me everything?”
And Bill must be somewhat self-aware, because he accepts that answer without question. Though he does groan, disappointed.
“Alright, I get it.” Bill rolls his eye. “Not much info to work on, huh.”
“More than you’d think,” Dipper admits. He stuffs his hands in his pockets. “Not much that’s helpful.”
He could tell Bill a lot. Even without giving ‘spoilers’, there’s so much he could say -
But all of that is the impossible stuff.
Telling Bill he’s obscenely powerful would get a grin. He probably already knows he is, and revels in it. Plus, telling him he’s immortal would basically dare him into ‘experiences’ that are dangerous.
And if Bill got his body killed, with things already as strange as they are-
Dipper closes his eyes, breathes out.
That won’t happen. Bill’s actually immortal, and if he wants to play this stupid game?
Fine. It'll work out, in the end.
Meanwhile, Bill’s letting out a disgusted groan, his head tilted back. He smacks himself on the face, and mutters something incomprehensible. Possibly it’s vulgar.
Dipper wouldn’t do this, normally. Bill would normally hate it. It would be a mistake.
Right now, Dipper reaches out, and strokes his husband’s back. “Yeah, I know.” He pats Bill twice, between his shoulderblades. “It sucks.”
“Hello,” Bill straightened up in an instant. Now he’s grinning again. “You’re pretty handsy, y’know?”
Yep, good to know. Still a mistake.
Dipper leans away from Bill’s grinning face. “I was comforting you.”
“Oh, sure,” BIll skips over that, waving it off. “But what I’ve seen is you don't mind a little touching - and you don’t mind doing it in return.” His palm trails over Dipper's side.
Dipper rubs at his eyes. Right, that was obvious, ever since Bill woke up.
He was practically - well, actually lying on top of him. And he hasn’t shrugged Bill off, like he should have if they weren’t. Acquainted.
“Which brings me to an interesting point!” Bill talks over Dipper’s non-answer, beaming outright. His single golden eye glints in the late afternoon light. “According to reputable sources - you’re single.”
“Absolutely not.” That isn’t even in question.
The fact that the person in question is the one questioning it is... kind of beside the point.
“Debatably single,” Bill amends, undeterred. He leans in, arm heavy over Dipper’s shoulders. “And I can make a pretty good argument.”
“My husband would argue otherwise.” Dipper steps out from under Bill's weight and watches him stumble.
Bill catches himself quickly, like he never even lost balance. He smooths back his hair, and a frown briefly crosses his face. He clicks his tongue twice. “Husband, huh?”
“Yep.” Dipper crosses his arms. “Married.”
The details of which are pretty relevant, if outside of memory for the moment - but they’ll work on it.
They’re both smart, and they work together well. Even if a situation is strange, and insane, and unprecedented - that doesn’t mean it’s impossible.
There’s proof of that already, standing close together on the porch of the Mystery Shack.
“Funny thing there, kid,” Bill rubs his chin, obviously aiming for casual. He looks at Dipper out of the corner of his eye. “For a married man, your sister seems pretty sure you aren’t.”
Here it comes.
“She said that because she thought you making moves on me was cute,” Dipper makes finger quotes. He looks away, looking up and around, anywhere but at Bill. “She’s a romantic.”
Mabel’s always been smarter about this than Dipper. She connected the dots between them before Dipper even knew there were ones to connect. And Bill’s always been interested, but with him being blatant about it, compared to before-
Of course Mabel lied, she thinks this is somehow cute.
Bill, though. He's a perfect, consummate liar, who knows all humans and their motives so too well. He's certainly spotted the reasoning. Dipper knows Bill’s smart, and how Bill thinks.
And the results are predictable.
There’s the sharp intake of breath. The beat of pause, as Bill processes that new and pivotal bit of information.
Then, of course, the slow, confident chuckle.
Dipper leans his head back, and waits for his asshole husband to be smug about it, so he can relax, and complain.
“Well, well, well,” Bill’s voice is almost a purr. His arm drops to fit around Dipper’s waist. “Then while the husband’s away - “ He waves over the area, dismissing an imaginary involvement. “Who’s to say?”
Dipper stands up straight.
He turns, and stares right back into Bill’s eye. "What?"
“Who’s to say what could happen.” Bill’s eyebrows waggle rapidly, and he looks incredibly, insultingly smug. He winks. “I cut the line for the rhyme.”
Dipper stares a little longer, until Bill clears his throat. He finally lets his arm drop.
Bill looks up and away, frowning - and already thinking of another tactic.
He really didn’t -
Damn it, of course. Dipper does know Bill.
Bill doesn’t usually go in for things like ‘promises’ or ‘commitment'. He never considered himself the marrying type, right up until he encountered the perfect storm of weird, convoluted, semi-revenge. Those circumstances are gone now, washed completely away.
But Bill freakin’ Cipher is absolutely the type to see a forbidden fruit, and desire it.
And after making a plan - checking out what kind of fences might be up around it, or what kind of cameras, or guards -
Bill would snap his fingers and grin, saying to himself, ‘Yep! I'm gonna steal that!’
Currently, Bill’s trying for a charming smile.
It’s one of his best efforts, too. Even Dipper’s almost fooled.
“It’s up to you, sapling,” Bill lays the nickname out like the winning card in a game. “If you need a little more excitement in your life - there’s some great opportunities around.”
“Yeah, probably,” Dipper admits. He watches Bill’s eye literally light up, and shrugs. “But my husband says he’s the greatest being in existence.”
“Really.” Bill’s smile drops somewhat.
“Really.” Dipper starts counting off the superlatives on his fingers. “He says he's the coolest, greatest, smartest, most powerful, handsomest-”
There’s a lot of material to recite. It takes a while to go through.
“Oh, come on!” Bill interrupts halfway through the list, throwing his arms in the air. His face is the perfect picture of indignance. “You can’t possibly believe all that crap.”
Dipper snorts. “Of course I don’t.” He watches Bill’s face relax, and tries not to smile. “He’s an idiot.”
“Ha! I knew it,” Bill smirks, shaking his head. “If you’re gonna lie, at least make it something believable.”
“I’m pretty sure he believes it,” Dipper points out. He’s never had any reason to doubt Bill’s narcissism.
“If he thinks he's so great, it means he doesn’t know jack about his competition.” Bill smirks. He looks Dipper over, head to toe, and gestures vaguely at… all of him. “Kid. Sapling. C’mon, you could do way better.”
“You’re going to say-”
“I’m just saying you should consider your other available options,” Bill interrupts, wagging a finger. Eye shut, and attempting to look dignified. "Very available ones. Some of ‘em nearby."
Bill’s gathered his evidence. He's touched, and been touched. He's heard some information from a ‘reliable source’, making him think that there’s an easy route in - And he has something he wants. He’ll pursue it to the end.
Already Bill thinks his plan is on track, ‘seducing’ this one young human guy away from someone clearly unfit.
“We fix you first,” Dipper says. He’s smiling now, though he shouldn't be. He reaches out. “Then we can talk about everything else.”
If they somehow manage to get Bill’s memory back, Dipper will never let him forget this.
“Lead the way, sapling,” Bill shifts closer, and takes his hand. He gestures broadly over the area, and grins. “I wanna see where this goes.”
#Billnesia#writing continues to be hard#And so side projects where I do dumb shit like this continue to be fun#I know what Bill is thinking through all of this#Though unfortunately it is out of scope#I think I would have a hard time writing an omniscient narrator at this point#Knowing everything would get kinda boring#Anyway I'm just rambling in the tags#Please do not mind this simple idiot author#Billdip#One day I will unlock the secret of good writing#On that day I will eat some cake#Familiar!AU#Technically speaking anyway
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i would just like to quickly put something out there in terms of the “main character discourse debacle” we’ve seen going on—
im not going to make a point for either side (i think) i just wanted to make a statement abt season one. ive seen some people say that wilbur’s writing made tommy and wilbur seem like the only important characters (as in, the only ones with cool narratives). and they’re pointing this out as like, a mistake on wilburs part. while i can see why youd say that, i have a small disagreement.
wilbur wrote about the nation itself. he’s talked about this before (on phils stream, and i think in his podcast). and obviously he wrote his own character, but other then that he wrote about the nation and the story as one whole. not individuals, but one story. and i can see why you’d say, “because of that it unfairly focused on him and tommy!” but i actually think that’s not true! (although tommy and wil move the main plot along that’s a whole different discussion im not doing)
think of quackity, constantly undermined and humiliated on the job, while also attempting to seduce his boss in order to gain even a little respect. think of tubbo, his anxieties high whenever schlatt asked him a suspicious question, building his archive and sneaking under manberg to meet up with tommy. think of fundy’s COOL AS HELL spy plot!!!
all of these examples are development and interesting stories the characters went through. not because wilbur had to pay attention to them as individuals, but because the conflict of the story he made involved the whole nation, so everyone easily had a part to play.
season two was about characters only, so any character that didn’t have a cool story was left sadly on their own with nothing interesting to do.
now im not making an argument about whether or not there are main characters (please no more of that) all i am saying is wilbur’s writing was GOOD, actually!
he made a conflict and a plot that involved everyone and it gave them all room to make their own stories and developments within the main/relevant plot. that way everyone’s individual story is interesting, while still being a piece of the big whole.
i don’t think we could ever go back to this considering how many plots there are now as a result of season two, and season three has been good so far!!— but i wish you guys would stop saying season one didn’t give characters room to have story and development. it did, and not only that but it did it well.*
#*i am aware that eret and niki didn’t get as much room to shine as they could have. that’s a lack of communication on the ccs part#since they wanted to do things that affected everyone else and weren’t self contained. so they’d need cooperation to make that relevant#also im not saying wilbur was perfect or the best writer. just that y’all should shit on him less LOL#d v1#wilbur soot#og post
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Wynonna Earp 2x12 I Hope You Dance
Click here for previous recaps!
Stray thoughts
1) Waverly confronts Bobo and the widows, certain that Bobo won’t hurt her. He admits he might not, but he won’t help her either. In an uncharacteristically honest moment, he admits that caring about her has only brought him pain. Waverly quips that no one said parenthood was easy. And I’M FREAKING OUT? IS THIS HER WAY OF CONFIRMING BOBO IS HER FATHER?!
2) Thankfully, Wynonna arrives on time, but Peacemaker is completely useless now that the seal is broken and this MOFO is waking up…
Shit is about to go down and I’M NOT READY. I’m really curious to see what Clootie looks like, though, I feel he’ll look something like the Master.
3) The sisters take a breather before all hell breaks loose, and I appreciate it…
You know what else I appreciate? Wynonna’s top priority – making sure Doc is not dead.
4) Well, Dolls is not dead, which is good, but not the answer I was expecting.
5) I truly appreciate the brief moment of levity…
6) So, this is what she had figured out before she went poof…
7) Wynonna is terrified that Doc might be dead now that the ring is broken. I’m Jeremy, btw.
8) I’m sorry, but is there anything more badass than trying to save the world while you’re about to give FUCKING BIRTH?!
9) WTF! Clootie is going to have Wynonna’s baby for dessert???!!
10) Oooh, I kind of saw this coming but I didn’t want to get my hopes up!
MERCEDES: Actually, I want a separation.
MERCEDES: Chopped my way into the 21st century. The world has changed. Hell, look at Wynonna Earp. She is 10 times the gunslinger Wyatt ever was and he put Bulshar in the ground! I want that ring!
I’m really into this new form of empowerment? Evil ladies also need to break free from the misogynistic ties to their evil lords. You go, Glenn Coco! Or Elsa, I guess…
She just took off and buried Bobo, Clootie and her sister. Does this mean that the season’s Big Bad was Mercedes all along? And not Clootie! Damn, I really love that plot twist!
11) The Iron Witch says the plate only works as a shield, and these two badass motherfuckers are not having it…
Can they look any more badass?! And I really wish they had allowed Wynonna to say fucking!
12) Dolls finds Doc at his home…
He’s having an existential crisis over being mortal and he’s basically contemplating suicide. And I almost believed he couldn’t take not being ageless anymore, but it was the possibility of living a mortal life in a Wynonna-less world that was pushing him over the edge because the second he heard she was still alive…
It’s like his soul returned to his body… and now he’s willing to die but for an entirely different reason, and I swear to God, I choked up during this whole scene. Does that make sense? Am I an idiot?
13) I guess there’s no better time for confessions than when facing the possibility of absolute and total obliteration. In a few seconds, Waverly breaks the news to Wynonna that Nicole is married and that she’s not Wynonna’s sister. Wynonna’s reply is quick and certain…
A lot of emphasis is placed on the bloodline in this show, considering the whole hereditary curse. But nothing as volatile as blood would ever get in the way of Waverly and Wynonna. They are sisters if ever sisters there were.
I truly love how there was no hesitation. At the same time, I wonder if the lack of hesitation means Wynonna had considered this possibility before?
14) Okay, Wynonna literally has one shot to kill Clootie, get rid of the Widows, and break the curse. Cool. Cool cool cool cool.
15) Jeremy and Nicole are having this super sweet moment…
JEREMY: And, uh, I stay because I don't fit in here. But none of you ask me to. I'm allowed to be me.
NICOLE: You're part of the family. And being part of the family means...
AND THEN THIS FUCKING ELSA FROM HELL BURST INTO THE ROOM AND NEARLY GAVE ME A HEART ATTACK…
And please don’t tell me that we’re using the “put Nicole in peril” schtick again! And we’re adding Jeremy into the mix! Just great!
16) THE BABY IS FUCKING COMING AMIDST ALL THIS DEBACLE!
17) I’M FUCKING DEAD.
She’s my queen, I love her, I’d sell my soul for Wynonna Earp, I’ve said it.
18) Oh, the other McBitch just arrived and is threatening Waverly while Elsa says Wynonna is the weapon she’s been looking for, and what the fuck is going on?
19) Wynonna’s sigh of relief and barely noticeable smile when she sees Doc is alive, though…
I leave for these moments.
20) NOT THESE FUCKING MOMENTS, THOUGH! WHAT THE HELL ARE THEY DOING?!
21) UGH THESE TWO MOTHERFUCKERS ALMOST GOT ME!
Two birds, one stone. These two! They could convey their plan using a code they could only understand! Why aren’t they together?!
But there’s still Clootie and Bobo, right…
And the baby is coming…
22) Ugh the fire-assholes have shown up, they offed Wynonna’s doctor and they’re coming after the baby!
23) WHAT’S THE FUCKING PLAN? WHAT WILL THEY DO WITH THE BABY? IS NICOLE GOING TO TAKE THE BABY AWAY? They’re talking about crossing the triangle…
24) WTF ROSITA!!!!!!!
THIS FUCKING EPISODE DOESN’T LET UP!
25) Bobo has gone Spike…
So Clootie or Bulshar or whoever sucked something out of Bobo and Bobo offered up Waverly as the Big Bad’s new bride WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK!
26) Great. JUST FUCKING GREAT.
27) Oh, thank god, something worked out!
Wynonna basically willed Peacemaker into accepting Waverly as an Earp!
28) Brendan Fehr is saying that Wynonna is going to corrupt the baby and screw it up and I’m like… Brendan Fehr, I was rooting for you!
29) Damn, Dolls!
At least they died in their element. Get it?
30) When you try to come up with a good comeback and you just…
31) I guess I’ll just have to get used to Bobo never being back for more than two episodes…
32) I’m not crying, you are…
I'm the Earp heir. They're always coming for me and everything I love. I don't want to. I didn't realise how much I wouldn't want to. You're the coolest thing I ever did. You're going to have it much better than me. I promise.
And Waverly is taking the baby away and Wynonna is asking her to make sure that Doc gets a moment with him and I’m here, dying.
33) Waverly and the baby just crossed over the border and neither of them burnt, which means that the baby is Doc’s and the revenants don’t have any claim over it. But what does this mean for Waverly? Whose daughter is she, then?
34) Wynonna just offed the whole gang of revenants, but it doesn’t really feel satisfying at all when her baby is being sent away minutes after being born…
35) Did Jeremy just used Waverly and Nicole’s ship name?! HE FUCKING DID!
36) Perry is taking the baby as a way to thank Wynonna for saving his life. Cool dude.
37) And now Doc is meeting the baby and I WON’T SURVIVE THIS SHIT!
I CAN’T BREATHE. EVERYTHING HURTS.
38) Bobo just got a holiday for one in the well, and he admits that he never said Waverly was his daughter, just kin. I repeat, what does this mean for Waverly? Who is her father? Doc confesses that when Dolls shot him, he was sent to hell. It remains to be seen how long he was there - if it was a few hours or a few centuries, and what impact this will have on him…
39) Wynonna named the baby after both of their mothers and I’m a mess…
This is not the happy ending I wanted for these two.
40) There’s so much I don’t understand…
The woman narrating is Wynonna’s mother? And she’s ALIVE? Has she been alive this whole time? What about the secretive look between Dolls and Nicole? Is she having second thoughts about her divorce? And what about the folder she was holding with info about Bulshar? Is she working with Dolls behind Waverly’s back? And how can Jeremy and Waverly be acting so carefree when everything is a mess?
If Wynonna’s mom is alive, there’d better be an explanation as to why this was never brought up before. It doesn’t make any sense!
I need Alice in Wynonna and Doc’s life, okay? This can’t be the end of that storyline, I just won’t accept it.
41) Amazing season finale, full of plot twists and emotional moments. I’ll admit I shed more than one tear. I truly can’t believe how the show continues to be so fast-paced and engaging. There never is one minute, one line, one scene wasted – everything has meaning and is relevant to the plot, and it never lets up and I’m so excited to see what they have to offer in season 3, and hopefully, I’ll catch up before season 4 premieres!
This show is quickly climbing up the ladder of my very short and exclusive list of favorite shows, I swear. I’m already looking forward to rewatching it and discovering things I’d missed the first time around.
42) Hope you enjoyed my recap, and, as usual, if you’ve got this far, thank you for reading! If you enjoy my recaps and my blog, please consider supporting it on ko-fi.Thanks!
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Production Bias and OWL 2020
There’s… admittedly… a lot the Overwatch League has to iron out and polish in how they run, produce, and broadcast the league if they want the league to live up to the vision that they believe is possible in the long term.
I could be here forever if I wanted to go into all of it, but I want to focus on an insidious problem that I don’t think the broadcast/production staff realize is hampering the full potential enjoyment a lot of fans could have watching the games. (As the majority of league viewers are based in North America, I will be focusing on the American, or the “main” broadcast stream and social media channels. I can’t comment on the other broadcast streams in other languages because none of them are in languages i am fluent in, so I won’t.)
That problem is Bias.
Bias emerges in many ways in OWL production.
There are overt examples:
Montecristo’s relentless dunking on the Houston Outlaws and insisting the team, its players, and its fans are trash during official broadcast and even as he is commentating Outlaws matches in a role he should be neutral in.
The unified desk beating the “NYXL choking in all playoffs meme” to death while conveniently forgetting NYXL are the only two time back to back stage champions in league history, and even when the term “choking” technically isn’t relevant because they are simply being outclassed by a team that has consistently shown they can handily beat NYXL
meanwhile few other teams get negative treatment as enduring Bren’s fervent backing of the Shanghai dragons, reason be damned
Soe’s blatant favouritism of the Atlanta Reign in all situations because she simply loves that team more than any other.
Some of these examples can be entertaining as hell.
Others are annoying to have to be subjected to, especially if your team is the target.
There’s also much more subtle examples of bias, and these emerge more in the choice to include or omit things in production, the manner teams are discussed in desk segments, and with a whole season of footage and posts, clear patterns emerge:
The desk discussion about san francisco shock being notably more hype than discussion about vancouver titans despite both teams having the same trajectory and success over the season
as a variation of above: framing every titans match as “who can defeat the titans???” meanwhile every san francisco match is “can the shock continue their streak of dominance?” as if one team inherently is a villain who must be beaten down and the other is a protagonist whose dominance is expected and accepted as the new normal
as a caveat under this: being very respectful of super’s tears after stage 1 finals, and mocking bumper’s tears after stage 2 finals
the desk’s respect and levity given to taimou’s mental struggles being a bench player in a meta that doesn’t cater to his skills and celebrating his return, while his teammate, EFFECT was not afforded the same respect when he had to go home for his mental health in season 1, and his return to season 2 was very much lukewarm in comparison trend towards mixed teams being lauded for performing well in a majority of their games, meanwhile full korean speaking teams get lukewarm responses even when they’re doing well, and downright mean responses when they don’t do well (there are exceptions because sometimes the records speak for themselves, ie: justice and mayhem)
notable difference in how successes and failures are presented when discussing non-korean players and korean players
the fact Montecristo keeps being scheduled to cast Houston Outlaws games despite his obvious and very vocal disdain for the team (this could be scheduling chance rather than choice, but even so, it makes it much harder than it needs to be for outlaws fans to enjoy watching their team play the game and the fact this isn’t seen as a problem is an unconscious issue)
comparatively little or no footage of teams who don’t do comms in English being featured on the incredibly popular comms check videos, thereby hampering fan engagement and ability to relate to at least 1/3 the teams in the league (how hard is it to hire a translator to sift through footage and add subtitles?? the dragons and spark seem to do this with ease? and official broadcast shouldn’t be lacking in such resource??)
Generally, having bias isn’t necessarily a bad thing.
Bren’s fervent belief in the dragons, even carried over as a meme from stage 1, is incredibly entertaining with the props and the ribbing, and in a way, Bren has his own redemption arc when the dragons really broke through that wall this season and won their first game, then kept winning until they won stage 3 entirely with stellar hardcore play.
The pre-show picks for the day are an entertaining segment, and gives the desk and analysts a chance to justify to the viewers and each other why their pick to win is the correct choice. Sometimes it gives fans insight into what past performance, play style, and analysis should be accounted for. Sometimes it’s just a blatant show of bias, and you know what, that’s fine. Sometimes it’s even entertaining as hell.
But sometimes Bias isn’t fun, and when the running joke about your team, or your favourite player keeps being featured even when the context is no longer there, or the talent who clearly doesn’t think much of your team keeps getting airtime to dunk on your team because some portion of viewers or production thinks it’s funny, the show stops being fun to watch.
The problem is amplified when it becomes apparent that you can’t avoid this bias if you intend to continue watching the league. As there is only one single official English stream, featuring the same rotation of commentators and analysts and desk talent, fans have no choice but to listen and go along with the flow that the main production has set up for them, or avoid tuning into pre-and post game coverage and discussion, and watch on mute, missing out on content and strategic analysis that allows them to engage with other fans, or better understand the game at an esport level and why results turned out the way they did. (Or watch Avast’s stream instead, which doesn’t show league footage and isn’t beholden to professional standards like official broadcast and also it’s not the OWL official broadcast which means fan disengagement.)
As an extension of that, with what the league chooses to post and broadcast, there’s also no way to access additional content the league chooses to omit to post unless your team takes the initiative to make that content themselves (Hangzhou Spark and Shanghai Dragons open mic are both treasures and official comms check is missing out by not including their footage, among other teams: where is mayhem? dynasty? NYXL?)
So why am I discussing this? OWL is doing okay, and you can’t please everyone, right? I obviously have my opinions, but otherwise it’s fine??
Well the thing is, OWL still very much has aspirations to grow.
I haven’t forgotten that 20 million dollar buy in.
Neither have the investors, I don’t think.
With the shift to a travelling rotating homestead schedule in four divisions next year to directly hit hometown markets and grow local communities, OWL clearly means to grow and get bigger, and that means attracting more fans and viewers and consumers, and keeping the existing fans they have.
Next year, leaving the Blizzard arena, bias no longer becomes an asset, it becomes an active, growing problem.
A significant portion of fans already find it very hard to watch and engage with pre-and post game coverage. Fans that no longer engage with desk talent centric content, and maybe even watch games on mute are very much on their way to disengagement from the league entirely.
Furthermore, it will be significantly harder to recruit fans to support teams if the official league broadcast makes a point to tell them, before they are even engaged, that their home city team is trash and they should feel bad for thinking of supporting them for x, y, and z reasons.
Additionally, with the shift next year to local market games, the attention on the league will be amplified, and with it will come an expectation of professionalism. There’s a clear lack of polish in this area, notably. What happens when the Outlaws Homestead happens and Monte is not only scheduled to cast, but spends the entire time dunking on the Outlaws? How does that look to local stakeholders? How are Outlaws fans gonna have a good time at their own homestead while the official broadcast does them dirty? How welcome does the broadcast feel to fans who don’t have means to attend their team’s homestands, and must engage via the official broadcast stream?
Given the single official broadcast in this language, and no announcement yet to expand the casting and desk talent cast, production needs to iron out their problems with bias, and that starts with stepping back and realizing they have a very obvious bias problem in the way they present narratives, decide what content is shown and promoted, and how often the talent team overtly supports certain teams while on air in an official capacity. Professionalism also needs to level up, because a recent debacle on air already received negative response in the twittersphere directly from team organization stakeholders.
If the overwatch league wants to reach out to more fans, and continue growing while retaining the fanbase they already have, broadcast needs to become far more neutral in how they present the esport with this singular official broadcast, or create local based versions of official broadcast. Unfortunately, option two is unfeasible because there is a lack of such experienced casters in the sport at this time to have the equally biased 20 local commentator broadcasts going at once.
With the singular official broadcast, this means neutral commentating without snide comments about teams casters obviously dislike. This means desk consciously making the effort to present equal narratives to teams with similar trajectory, or equally flipping back and forth over time so a “villain” narrative isn’t constantly only dumped on one team all season. This means hiring Korean and Chinese speaking editor or translator to help get equal team representation in fun quirky “get to know the team” segments like comms check in an official capacity instead of making the non-English speaking teams do extra work within their organization to pump their own versions of official content themselves. (Hangzhou and Shanghai may do their own open mics, but the point is they shouldn’t HAVE TO to get the same quirky fun coverage out that English speaking teams get to take for granted)
They’ve done a lot this year, expanding Danny and Emily’s roles beyond that of simply translator to give that extra interviewing representation to players who don’t feel confident speaking English, and giving them airtime to connect with their fans. This is already mitigating the interviewing bias of last year, and giving more screen time to players who don’t speak English primarily (the Diem Carpe segment comes to mind).
I think they can do more, and I believe they have to if they want the League to live up to what they want it to be, so every fan of every team can enjoy watching as much as they can.
Source: Production Bias and OWL 2020
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Percival Graves in knee high socks. The aurors’ brain’s short circuit. Newt just grins.
Anon, what a delightful idea *rubs hands gleefully*
Right so I am making up the excuse that wizarding fashions were just a bit ahead of no-maj ones, especially where underwear is concerned - apparently boxers did exist though were slow to catch on in the 20s. In my head, and for my ease of life, they caught on faster with wizards ;)
(I also hc that Graves knits the socks himself)
Graves had always prided himself on his sharp reflexes. The Grindelwald debacle only served to push him to prove himself more than ever, to show everyone that Percival Graves was not a man to be taken lightly.
So it came as the greatest of shocks when he felt the full-body tug most commonly associated with apparition. He had barely a second to summon his wand before he felt himself being compressed in a rather violent fashion that he himself hadn’t felt since he was first learning to apparate.
When the swirling darkness dissolved into solidity once again, Graves was further surprised to find himself in his own office at MACUSA. And it wasn’t empty. He sternly told himself that a man of his age and superiority simply did not blush, no matter their state of déshabillé.
He cleared his throat and raised his head to frown at the occupants of the room - O’Brien, Collins, Goldstein - what a surprise, the troublesome threesome - and, oh, that was rather unexpected. What was Scamander doing here? He was supposed to still be off in some god-forsaken jungle somewhere until at least next month. Somewhere anywhere he would not be staring at Graves standing off-kilter in naught but his underwear and winter house socks. He had another stern word with his complexion before facing the crowd of gaping underlings.
“What is the meaning of this?” he thundered.
His question was met with flushed faces and three of his best aurors doing their best goldfish impressions. Scamander was grinning for some unforgivable reason he wasn’t sure he wished to know.
“Well?!”
Goldstein was the first to partially recover. “W-what are you wearing? Uh- sir.” She ought to have remained a goldfish. O’Brien appeared to have gone cross-eyed.
“While I hardly see that as relevant at this moment, I was in the process of getting changed when I was so rudely summoned with all the skill of a teener who doesn’t know their ass from their wand arm!”
“I think they’re delightful. I’m sure they’re very comfortable Mr Graves,” volunteered Newt. That confirmed it; the man had no self-preservation instincts whatsoever.
Do. Not. Blush.
“I find it a more practical solution than long-legged trousers if you must know, Mr Scamander. And yes, they are immensely comfortable. Now, will someone, for the love of Merlin, please tell me why I am here?”
Collins made some stuttering noises and pointed with a shaking hand to what looked like a simple paperweight lying on the floor. Goldstein managed to be slightly more coherent.
“It was found at the door to your office, sir. No one knew where it came from or how it got here so we were trying to figure out what it was.”
Graves could feel a migraine coming on.
“Well now that we have successfully concluded that it is magical in nature and at least inconvenient if not dangerous, would anyone perhaps like to take it to the curse-breaking department as is protocol for unidentified suspicious objects?!”
That finally pushed them into action, blushing and stuttering as they fell over themselves to remove the item from his sight. He pressed a hand to his forehead and sighed before realising that Scamander had not left with them and was instead staring at him with all the smugness of a cat.
“Yes Mr Scamander?”
The man proceeded to saunter towards Graves, glancing conspicuously down at his attire before looking him directly in the eye. Morgana, doesn’t he usually just look at the wall?
“Do you make them yourself? They have quite a homemade look about them.”
Graves decided to play dumb. “Ah, perhaps they have not caught on in Britain, backward as you can be in fashions. They are in fact, made from fine silk by my tailor, Mr Scamander. Should you be interested in a pair, I can give you his card.”
Scamander just smirked at him.
“While your silk boxers are delectable Mr Graves, and may I say peach is such a flattering colour on you, I was in fact referring to your darling little knee socks. I haven’t seen such since I was a boy. How do you get them to stay up?”
Well, there went that blush. Scamander was clearly evil, and Graves was trying to tell himself that he was not liking being so vulnerable and exposed, no sir, not at all.
“A- a simple charm does the trick-”
“Ingenious.” When had the man gotten so damn close?! Graves could see all the little flecks of gold in those greenish eyes, could feel heat coming from the body in front of him. It only served to remind him of his own bare arms and he shivered.
“T-thank you Mr Scamander.”
“Call me Newt.” Scamander’s- Newt’s - voice was soft and husky, so close to his ear.
“Newt.” To his humiliation his voice cracked on the simple name.
With a final flick of his eyes to Graves’ gods-be-damned socks, Newt pulled away and turned to leave.
“‘Till tomorrow then, Mr Graves.” With a wink, he closed the office door, and Graves slumped in relief, trying desperately to ignore the hopeful twitching of his cock.
It was only then that he realised he had been holding his wand the whole time.
“Fuck.”
He apparated back home before he could do anything else to damage his reputation - he really needed a drink.
Back home he decided to settle in a soft robe for an afternoon constitutional. He didn’t take off his socks. He loved those fucking socks.
(Meanwhile, no work was done in the auror department that day.)
#hope this pleases you anon!#percival graves#in knee socks#he's a good boy#and newt wants a piece#the aurors have nosebleeds#fic#my writing#asks#replies#anon
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The Crooked Gavel - Ep 5 Transcript
Here is the transcript for Episode 5 of the queer audio drama - The Crooked Gavel.
Audio of the episodes can be found here
Credits Voice: You are listening to episode 5 of The Crooked Gavel: A 1920’s tale of court drama and lesbian romance, produced by Crooked Gavel Productions. This episode contains discussion of sexual assault, please look after yourself while listening.
*light knocking*
Alice: Good Morning, Matthew. How are you doing since I saw you yesterday?
Matthew: Hello, Alice. I’m fine, personally. You’ve caught me in the middle of some rather boring paperwork. At least, it’s not as interesting as the work I submitted on your behalf. How are you feeling?
Alice: I do admit, I’m feeling rather nervous. Though it does help considerably that we went over everything extensively last night.
Matthew: It’s alright to feel nervous. I always do before prosecuting a trial. If you stick to the questions we rehearsed and remember your closing statement, you’ll do fine.
Alice: I did practice again before I went to bed. I’m sure I have it all memorized
Matthew: Good, good. Shall we start walking? It’s almost time.
Alice: Yes, let’s ankle.
*Door Closing*
any last minute advice beforehand?
Matthew: Let’s see… Try and be conservative with your objections. They can easily backfire for you when you’re… new at this. Unless Max mistreats the witness or says something completely out of line, I would let things slide in your position.
Alice: Alright, I’ll keep that in mind. Thank you.
Matthew: And remember to say your closing statement directly to the jury. Creating a connection with them is extremely important.
Alice: Yes, that’s right. *Pause* Thank you again for getting me this opportunity.
Matthew: Well, I got to say, it wasn’t easy. But I should be the one thanking you. Here I am squirreling away a second time while you go and do all the hard work.
Alice: I don’t see it that way at all, anymore. There’s no shame in being afraid of Cayenne.
Matthew: I suppose you’re right. I hope that today we expose him for the criminal that he is
Bailiff: All rise for the honorable Marshall Coriander.
Matthew: *hushed tone* That’s your cue, Alice. Hurry on to the front. Me and Aunt Lillian will be watching. We’ll be cheering you on.
---
*Gavel bang*
Marshall: I was hoping it was a mistake on my paper here, but it looks like Alice Cinnamon is at the prosecutor’s table. I had a feeling it may come to this.
Max: Wait, Alice is the mystery prosecutor? There’s no way! Your honor, this is ridiculous. Can someone please explain this to me?
Marshall: After what your client has allegedly done concerning the prosecutors, and how your wife was caught fraudulently making her way into this trial, frankly, this is the least ridiculous part of this whole debacle.
Max: But… But your honor, there’s no precedent for this sort of thing
Marshall: Exactly. There’s no precedent for a case of this type, of this profile. And I certainly hope there’s no precedent for this type of alleged corruption either. That means it’s up to us to decide how to proceed.
Max: That still doesn’t explain what a non-lawyer, let alone a woman, has any business prosecuting this case.
Marshall: Can’t you see that if the evidence is to be believed that this is her only shot at a fair trial? Besides the ones under heavy investigation, there isn’t a lawyer in town that’ll touch this case. With Margaret out of the picture, she’s left without anyone she can trust. There’s no one left besides herself. The system has failed her. We have failed her. The least we can do is let her speak for herself. Now, the paperwork from Paprika does check out, though it’s clear he is using more than a couple legal loopholes, so we will be starting the proceedings.
Max: Of course, your honor. It’s no skin off my nose if the prosecutor doesn’t know a subpoena from a hole in the ground.
Marshall: I don’t suppose you have any surprise witnesses today, Cumin.
Max: Actually, the defense rests.
Marshall: Do you have any rebuttal witnesses prepared, Miss Alice?
Alice: Yes, I do. The prosecution calls Harry Tarragon to the stand.
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, so help you God?
Harry: I do
Alice: Please state your name and occupation for the record.
Harry: My name is Harry Tarragon, and I own and manage a coffee joint called the Crooked Gavel.
Alice: Have you and I met before?
Harry: Yes, I used to employ you, until you quit on the 16th of last month.
Alice: Can you tell us a bit about the events leading up to my departure?
Harry: I was cleaning up some dishes when all of a sudden, I heard a loud crash. Came from the table that you were serving John Cayenne and Frank Saffron.
Alice: Would that have been John Cayenne, the defendant of this trial.
Harry: One and the same.
Alice: What happened afterwards?
Harry: There was a huge mess on the ground, broken mugs and plates, espresso everywhere. I called you over, treating you as if you were the source of the mess. That’s when you told me that John Cayenne had assaulted you, grabbed you from behind. You wanted my support in trying him in court. I told you I wouldn’t give it to you, that hadn’t seen anything.
Alice: What did you see, exactly.
Harry: I saw it all! I saw him knock the drinks out of your hands, I saw him molest you, I saw him smiling while he did it. I know what I said before, and I’m sorry I wasn’t honest initially. But I was afraid.
*Crowd Murmurs*
Alice: No further questions
---
Marshall: Cumin, your cross-examination?
Max: You say you were afraid. Of what, exactly?
Harry: I was afraid of losing my business. That John Cayenne would call for a boycott against my establishment, if I spoke up against him.
Max: But you’re suddenly not afraid anymore?
Harry: To be honest, I’m still very much afraid for my career. I’m just not letting it stop me from doing what’s right anymore.
Max: So you saw him touch her then? You’re sure?
Harry: Positively!
Max: So then, you also saw that no harm had come to her?
Harry: ‘scuse me?
Max: No bruises, cuts or scrapes? Just a gentle grab, nothing more?
Alice: Objection! Your honor, Mr Cumin is outright admitting it happened. Can’t we close this whole case up right now?
Marshall: Sustained, Cumin, what do you think you’re doing?
Max: The defense still holds that the defendant did nothing of the sort, your honor, but at this point, with three witnesses claiming otherwise, it’s simply easier to show that the claims against him are moot. We can assume at this point, that he did touch her. But I will say it again, “so what?” What is the crime here exactly? If there is one, it’s certainly not assault in the second degree, and that’s all that need to be shown.
Marshall: Have it your way Cumin. Please continue.
Max: Was Miss Cinnamon injured in any way?
Harry: No, she was not.
Max: And you personally saw how uninjured she was directly after her confrontation with Cayenne
Harry: Yes, I did.
Max: And how does one commit second degree assault without seriously injuring a person, do you know?
Harry: No, I don’t.
Max: Good. No further questions
Marshall: You may call your next witness, if you have one
Alice: The prosecution rests, your honor.
---
Marshall: We will now have your closing statement, Miss Alice.
Alice: Members of the Jury, now that the trial has come to pass, I’m going to ask you to do what you were originally tasked to do: Find the truth. By now, it should be clear to you. In the evidence in the form of testimony that you’ve now heard, three separate witnesses have claimed the defendant is guilty of assault, and the only witness saying otherwise is the defendant himself. Even the defense has all but admitted that it has happened. I understand how big of a loss it would be to convict a previously esteemed member of the community, but it would be far worse for our community to let a guilty man roam free within it. Do your duty, and give a verdict of guilty of assault in the second degree.
Marshall: And now your closing statement, Cumin?
Max: Again, the defense maintains that John Cayenne didn’t lay a finger on the girl, but since there is this obvious conspiracy against him, it will be more useful for you to think of how ridiculous a guilty verdict would be. And remember, that you are to ignore all of this bribery business. It has no bearing on this case, and I have no doubt that it will be cleared up soon, as a simple misunderstanding. As the witness Officer Nutmeg clearly said, no violent crime took place on the 16th of September, the day in question. Cayenne didn’t take anything from her, he did her no harm, the question I ask again is: So what? Is a little rudeness really considered a crime? This is a man who is indispensable to Brooklyn. Think of his career, think of the community. Don’t let one moment of indiscretion ruin either. Don’t let John down. Don’t let Brooklyn down. Give a verdict of not guilty.
Marshall: Now, if that’s all, we will dismiss the jury and-
Alice: I would like to speak again… your honor
Marshall: Very well, you are allowed to do so under the proceedings.
Alice: Gentlemen of the jury, you were just asked by the defense to ignore some of the evidence of the trial, when in fact, it couldn’t be more relevant to this case. The way money was handed out by Cayenne shows the man has no interest in a fair trial. There’s nothing that screams guilty more than bribing prosecutors before charges were laid. And this whole “so what?” business is a load of bull. He did hurt me. Inside. Such a base violation hurt more than I ever thought it would. I bear no cuts or bruises, but it hurt all the same. And he did take from me on that day, he took my sense of self, my confidence, the spring in my step. He took away a week of my life, spent mourning what I lost. John Cayenne set out to do serious harm on that day, and take my power away, and because of that I believe a violent crime did take place. I said before what a loss to the community a conviction would be, but the true loss has already happened. The Cayenne you knew is long gone. It’s possible he never existed to begin with. Please, do what’s right. Give a verdict of guilty and help set a precedent of jail time for violent crimes against women.
Marshall: Thank you, Miss Alice. The jury will now leave to discuss the outcome of this case.
*Gavel Bang*
---
Alice: It’s been more than an hour, does it usually take this long for a jury to decide?
Marshall: Usually it takes less, but sometimes it can go past dinner. Ah, here they come now. Court is now in session.
*Gavel bang*
Marshall: All rise. Has the jury reached their verdict?
Jury member: We have, your honor.
Marshall: Will the defendant please rise and face the jury?
Jury member: We find the defendant, guilty as charged
Marshall: Well then, as this case has no precedent, I must be the one to decide the sentence. This is not a decision I take lightly, as it will influence all future trials of this nature. Due to the very special nature of the assault, and that the victim was especially unharmed, I am sentencing John Cayenne to 1 year in prison.
*Gavel bang*
Alice: That’s it? Only a year? Why he’ll be out in no time at all! You’ll have to do better than that.
*Gavel bang*
Marshall: Miss Alice, please don’t argue with me. If you tell me again what I should do, I’ll hold you in contempt of court. I’ve had plenty of time to think this over, and I believe the punishment fits the crime. Court dismissed
*Gavel bang*
---
Alice: I need one cup of joe with sugar for me, please, and a hot chocolate for Margaret
Harry: Of course, right away. I’m afraid I’m still used to you taking orders, not giving them. I must say, I really missed having you around the Gavel these past few weeks.
Alice: That’s awfully sweet of you to say. Speaking of being sweet, thanks again for hosting this gay little get-together after hours for us.
Harry: Oh, no problem. I feel it’s the least I can do after taking so long to come forward with the truth.
Alice: But you did come forward in the end, and it’s appreciated. I never got to ask you, what will become of the Crooked Gavel now that you’ve publicly gone against Cayenne?
Harry: Well it certainly helps that he was convicted, but I imagine some people will stop coming here all the same. However, that doesn’t matter to me anymore. It’s always best to stick up for what's really important. You showed me that, Alice.
Alice: I’m just glad I showed you before the trial was over, or else who knows what would have happened. Your testimony was vital in putting away that sap... even if it was only for a year.
Harry: I agree that it should have been for longer. I saw what it did to you. I just wanted to say I’m sorry. For not listening to you when you said he made you uncomfortable, for not being a true friend directly after the fact. I think it’s important to listen to women when they have something to say about a fella. Cayenne’s a prime example of someone who acts differently around men than he does around women, and he’s sure as hell not the only one out there.
Alice: That’s very wise of you, Harry. I accept your apology. At least it’ll be awhile before that two-faced windsucker gets to try anything again.
Harry: Here, these two are on the house.
Alice: Well ain’t that the darndest thing. Thank you.
---
Alice: Here’s your hot chocolate, Margaret. Careful, they’re served quite hot here, as the name would imply.
Margaret: Thank you, I’ll be sure to let it cool a tick before drinking it. As I was saying before, I’m still upset about my preliminary hearing. What kind of crime does a girl have to do before she’s taken seriously?
Alice: The way the judge laughed at you when he heard what you did, I wanted to strangle him for you.
Margaret: No strangling necessary, but the sentiment is appreciated. At the very least, Matthew says I’m pretty likely to not see any jail time for this, but I feel it’s because I’m female. What harm could a well-meaning bunny have done, after all? So much for equal rights.
Alice: Though I am very glad to hear that you will likely stay out of jail, I agree with you. Not being taken seriously as women is what got us into this mess in the first place.
Margaret: That’s right! I had been so busy talking about me, that I completely forgot to say, you were amazing out there, Alice! What you said in your rebuttal was incredibly moving, and I think the jury agreed.
Alice: That’s very kind of you, but I thought you were in jail when the trial occurred.
Margaret: I was, but Matthew lent me his copy of the transcript to read. You did one hell of a job! I felt like I was right there.
---
Matthew: Did I hear my name just now?
Margaret: I was just saying how you lent me the transcript, and how amazing Alice was in court!
Matthew: Ah, yes. You really pulled it off out there. I was sweating bullets the whole time. In a good way.
Lillian: Alice, my dear, you were just wonderful! I was just telling Matthew how I think you would make a fine lawyer of your own. Have you given any thought to taking up the profession?
Alice: Oh, gosh, no. I don’t think I have the gumption to that every day. Besides, I have another career path in mind.
Lillian: Really now? Do tell!
Alice: I will, once everyone gets here. I don’t want to spoil the surprise before then.
Matthew: I can’t wait! Another thing we were talking about, guess who’s going to be a witness in the fraud trial against Cayenne? It’s me! Here’s hoping we add a few more years to his measly sentence.
Margaret: Oh yeah? What made you feel safe from his wrath all of a sudden?
Matthew: It was you and Alice, really. You two never wavered, and worked together so closely to win the day! It inspired me to do better.
Alice: *laughs* You make us sound like heros! You know, you were a vital part of the team. We couldn’t have done it without your support, and your paperwork skills.
Matthew: Thank you, but I still feel rather bad about hiding in the shadows the whole time. That’s part of why I’m representing Margaret for free. I want to make things right between all of us.
Lillian: Oh, listen to yourself. You need to stop talking yourself down. These two lovely ladies have already forgiven you. Remember, confidence starts with -
Matthew: -with me, yes Aunt Lillian. I think I finally know what that means now.
---
*Door with bell opens*
Frank: Sorry I’m late, I had to put the little one to bed. Alice, Margaret, come over here a second, I have something for you.
Margaret: Excuse us, you two
Frank: Now, before I give this to you, I wanted to say a little something. I wanted to thank both of you for including me in this party. I really didn’t think I had done enough good to be considered a friend. I’ve done a lot of rotten deeds in the past, and some of them were at your expense. It actually means a whole lot to me, so again, thank you.
Margaret: I think you’ve done plenty good, myself! Plus, you’ve officially quit working under Cayenne. That alone speaks volumes
Alice: Not to mention you gave us the financial records that we so desperately needed. We’d have no precedent if it weren’t for that. Even though we only got a year....
Frank: Actually, I have good news on that front! I’ve heard of three women already pressing charges against Cayenne! More trials means more jail time, and every trial has a small chance that a stronger sentence might take place, setting a new precedent. Looks like you’ve inspired these women to be brave!
Alice: That’s good news indeed! But that’s not entirely true, they already had that bravery to begin with, they were just picking their battles. I only gave them a better battle to pick. The same can be said of you, Frank. That’s why I don’t blame you for not speaking up until now.
Frank: Hmm, I think I understand why I was invited after all. Now, go on, take this, it’s a card Sofia made for the two of you.
Margaret: Look, Alice, that’s us on the front! *reading* To Alice and Margaret…
Alice: *reading* Thank you for making the world a safer place for me to be myself. *normal* Well ain’t that the most precious thing?
Frank: She wrote that herself, can you believe it? Such a swell kid. She’s not the only one singing your praises either. I’ve heard several big names in the community talking you up, saying how important it was that you spoke up, Alice. It’s true that the people of Brooklyn love an underdog...
Alice: If they all love an underdog, where was the community when I needed them? They were too busy sending me those hateful letters to actually help me along the way. No, Brooklyn loves an underdog story, but not an underdog. Once everything’s said and done, people are happy to hop on the bandwagon, but not a moment beforehand.
Frank: And how! Well said. Shall we join the rest of the party now?
Margaret: Sure thing.
---
Alice: Can I have your attention everybody? Now that everyone’s here, I have some things to say. First of all, Thank you. From the bottom of my heart. Each and every one of you made a conviction possible, and as the hours go by, I feel better and better about the precedent we set. But these few weeks have taught me something, that these crimes against women will never stop unless good people put forth the effort to stop them. That is why I am going to dedicate the rest of my life to helping the cause, not as a lawyer, but as a police woman. I’m going to be joining the women’s bureau and fighting crime, right here in Brooklyn.
*Scattered congratulations*
Margaret: I got some things to say too. First off, I want to echo Alice and say, thank you. What you’ve all done to help the two of us has meant the world to me. I may not have been honest with you about who I really was, and I’m sorry for it. But, part of the issue is, it didn’t feel much like lying at all. I really think that being a lawyer is who I really am. That’s why I’m going to use the money I’m getting in my declaration of independence from Max to go to law school. Then I’ll pass the bar in New York and become a real lawyer, under my maiden name: Margaret Turmeric!
*Scattered congratulations*
Harry: WIth all this amazing news, I think it’s time we bring out the cake! It’s chocolate!
Alice: Oh Harry, I had no idea. That’s wonderful.
Margaret: Oh, Harry, Before we dig in, I have some more to say, but this time it’s just for Alice’s ears only.
Harry; Not a problem, I’ll finish cutting the cake in the meantime
Margaret: Alice, would you mind joining me outside for a spell?
Alice: Certainly, I don’t mind at all
Harry: You two run along now.
---
Alice: What’s all this about?
Margaret: Don’t worry, I just wanted to get personal for a moment, and I feel these moments are better shared alone. Here, take my hands. I know I’ve technically already done it, but I just wanted to thank you personally. You’ve done so much for me over these past couple of weeks. You believed in me, when no one else did, not even my husband. You showed me what it meant to be treated right. Knowing you is what gave me the power to be my own person, and I gotta say… thank you.
Alice: That's an incredibly gracious thing to say, but I feel it’s me who should be thanking you. You’ve taught me so much since I’ve had the pleasure of knowing you, you’ve challenged what I thought being a strong woman could mean, and have been a role model this whole time. You believed me and you cared enough to take my case, even though it was dangerous for you, and you did it all for nothing in return.
Margaret: I did it all for no money, but I wouldn’t say I got nothing in return. I got kindness, and companionship, and my own fighting spirit. Alice, you’re the reason I was able to break it off with Max. For more reasons than one
Alice: What do you mean by that exactly?
Margaret: I told you before that you showed me how it felt to be treated right. I meant that. But not as just a friend, but as something… more. Alice, won’t you kiss me?
Alice: Oh Margaret, I… I thought you’d never ask!
*kissing*
Alice: *Giggle* Your lips are as warm as your personality.
Margaret: Oh, Stop, you. *Giggle*
Alice: As I’m sure you’re well aware, this kind of relationship is simply not allowed. But I don’t think we should let that stop us.
Margaret: I agree. We’ll just have to keep it a secret until the rest of the world catches up with us. Another last bit of intrigue to close this chapter of our lives… And start a new one - together.
Alice: Shall we go back inside and enjoy the rest of the party?
Margaret: Of course. After you, bearcat.
*Door with bell closes*
Credits Voice: Thank you for listening to episode 5 of The Crooked Gavel! Follow us on Twitter @thecrookedgavel for updates and discussions of this and other queer projects. This episode’s cast in order of appearance:
Katte Noel as Alice Cinnamon
Michael Matarese as Mathew Paprika
Ben Jeatran as Marshall Coriander
An Capuano as Max Cumin
Nicholas Alain as Harry Tarragon
Ashleigh Aishwarya as Margaret Cumin
Kaidan Cormier as Lillian Paprika
An Capuano as Frank Saffron
Also with:
An Capuano as Bailiff
Hugh Verheylewegen as Juror
Crowd Sounds Performed by :
Katte Noel, Kaidan Cormier, Michael Hope, Michael Matarese, Ashleigh Aishwarya, and Eric Normand
And An Capuano as the Credits Voice
Directed by - An Capuano
Produced by - An Capuano
Written by - An Capuano
Copy Editing by - Sharon van Wyngaarden
Casting by - An Capuano
Sound Design by - An Capuano and BA Nemo
Logo Artist - McKenna Pipher
Audio Editing by - An Capuano
Audio Mastering by - An Capuano
Music by - Kevin MacLeod
Music used in this episode is attributed in the description.
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@theladypirate @feynites
Okay so! Here’s the Immediate wedding day stuff fic, though I did kinda leave some of it a bit vague so it could get spotlighted more later on if people wanted that for whatever reason and you know, keeping it from being Monstrous in length.
Finally finished this since I ended up avoiding as much dialogue as I could B) apparently me and dialogue are not friends rn hahahaah weEPS.
Inanallas’s older sisters, Imshi and Eth’Menala, and Keeper Durgenara are the ones who see to their clothing, styling and dressing them for the wedding. Their sisters are both very good at sewing and had done the bulk of the work to make it themselves, making sure it was just so, making sure that no one would mistake where they came from. Among the clans, Clan Anurlal was unique, having settled the furthest south on the mountains above the dwarves where little magic or comfort was found, and down in the basin the mountains concealed. Their clothing spoke of hard climates and practically, usually involving fur and many layers. Even this, one of the most elaborate things they’d ever seen was simple in structure but richly embroidered with patterns, symbols and pictures of important to the clan and that spoke distinctly to them and their achievements. The short overcoat was almost like a ornamental chainmail— cloth with hundreds of metal medallions sewn into it that combined with the large necklace, silver bracers and headpiece was the most jewelry they had ever worn.
Durgenara braids their hair after their sisters are done manhandling them into their clothing like a child, somehow the old woman manages to get all their fly away ends to stay slick to their head— secret ancient magic they assume, what else could managed that. When she is done and the veil has been placed on their head, covering said braid and rendering all that work pointless, they finally hazard a glance at themselves in a mirror.
It’s an odd sight. The headpiece covers their forehead completely, it’s beaded threads cover the side of their face, masking much of their tattoos and in doing so makes them look much softer, which they suppose is good, they don’t really want to look menacing. The surcoat is long but still short enough to hint at the other skirt and pants underneath and show their leather boots, also embroidered. The overall look…….. Somehow makes them look more mature and like a baby at the same time, though maybe that’s just them. They certainly feel like a child right now, with everyone doing everything for them as they get ready for something someone else is making them do.
The spirit of Dignity who had been so kind as to agree to handle the brunt of this debacle however is very pleased, and thinks they both look very fine and appropriate for the occasion. So there’s that.
The wedding itself is a mix of Elvhenan and Free Elf customs, mainly their own since it is their wedding. But overall there is not too much difference between all parties when it comes to weddings, at least structurally, once you got to everything that surrounded the spells and such things varied intensely. It does help in the planning of it all at least, that they can get the most important parts agreed upon fairly painlessly then stress over all the more decorative elements instead.
They let Dignity take the wheel with increasing frequency as they get closer to the wedding. By the time they’re finally relevant in the whole event itself Dignity is in complete control while Inan only has about a foot inside themself, the rest of them looking for just about anywhere else to focus than what’s going on around their physical body.
They can’t help but peek though, to see who on earth they’re actually marrying. They know they are marrying two people instead of just one, which was even more horrible in their opinion even if it was something clever politically. They knew the basics about them but had never actually looked into them because it was just too terrifying a prospect. Now, they were filled with a sort of morbid curiosity, like if they looked at them they’d die instantly but hey you know, that’s life.
The first one they see when they turn their gaze back to reality is the red one, drawn in by Dignity’s noting that while armor was not incorrect fashion for such an event it was also not the most mood appropriate choice. It is at least, very fine, ornate armor so that placates the spirit on that front. The person in the armor is not too much taller than Inanallas herself which is oddly comforting for no logical reason. Their face is very striking, very sharp —like a hawk turned into a person, or a knife in disguise— and marked with Andruil’s symbol in intense red. So this is Uthvir then. They don’t see it so much as feel it, like an anxious ball of vibration in their solar plexus that keys them to the fact they’re not the only one who has a spirit inside them, though they get the sense that the hunter’s is more permanent. Fear, they think, or something similar from the feel of it. Not their first choice of a roommate but it’s not any of their business.
They’re not so bad— ominous, scary looking hunters Inanallas could deal with, old hat really. They’d met tons of people in spiky armor who stabbed things. Even if this time they’d be marrying them and not fighting or arguing with them. It was totally fine, really. That meant by process of elimination the other one was Thenvunin. Dignity seemed infinitely more enamored with him, having already turned its attention there, so Inanallas followed Dignity’s lead and —
Oh.
OH.
OH NO.
Instantly they panic from their little bolthole blessedly tucked dimensionally or some such away from this dark carnival of endless misery.
Thenvunin is just as gorgeous as Uthvir only in a different, more refined way. Tall with perfect flowing blonde hair done perfectly and what looked like a body so close to the ideal it was comical under a stunningly gorgeous gown. It would be a tyrannical slaving empire that would have the resources to make an outfit so impossibly perfect, but the extravagance that would normally rankle them they can forgive when it’s on him. He seems made for opulence, and not in a vain, terrible way like greedy little egotist, but because he was someone who was regal looking and had fine tastes, —or something like that.
He did, sincerely look like the perfect example of a shining prince all dressed in glimmering silver accented by blue and green, like something out of a very high end dream. Almost surreal for how flawless he was.
In other words Inanallas’s worst nightmare.
If she thought she could handle Uthvir without at least looking like a complete fuck up she was already dead in the water with Thenvunin. He was clearly nothing like them and there was definitely nothing in common between them. They hadn’t even actually met yet and Inanallas felt tongue-tied, wrong footed and small comparatively. And they were getting married, so that was for the rest of their life. Doomed to an eternity of being married to someone they could talk about exclusively hunting with if they were lucky and another who made them want to go and live with the Children of the Stone never to return just on sight and also just die here instantly to escape. And that was the best case, that wasn’t even going in to the possible ways they could be terrible, terrible people or how this was all a loveless sham marriage for politics.
They essentially black out then for a while, actively shutting off much of their exposure to their senses as they try to beat down the hysterics now wracking them. When Dignity pulls at them for the vows and binding spells she comes back just enough to make sure it’s Inanallas who’s bound and not poor Dignity before retreating again for a while to marshal themselves again.
Inanallas is officially back and at least sharing the load with Dignity once the revelry and feasting start up. They’re seated between Thenvunin and Uthvir which is harrowing but they’ve moved so far past terror they’re almost fine and just fucking rolling with it, like a burn victim who’s nerves are just completely dead so they can’t feel the pain anymore. The first course that’s served is some of the food the clans eat done up as appetizers, which makes sense to them as they look over the array of fruits —dried and fresh, dried and pickled meats and vegetables, spreads of all kinds, crackers, breads, and whatnot.
Deciding to be a good host— and they suppose numbly, spouse— they move quickly to make up little plates of some of the better choices for the other two to make this easier for them. Uthvir takes their with no complaint and actually eats a bit with vague interest and then the average amount you’d expect for food which, they think is good. Thenvunin looks as dubious as someone can while working to look regal (as if he has to) at first but upon seeing that Uthvir doesn’t die or spit it out he tries it as well and seems to deem it tolerable at least, they’re not sure but regardless it’s Something right?
As the feast goes on and they transition more to food from Elvhenan Thenvunin decides to take it upon himself to guide them through the courses like they had for him for which they’re very grateful, there’s a lot going on with some of these dishes and some of them are so ornate Inanallas isn’t sure they’re even meant to be eaten. However, it’s Uthvir who finally gets them out of the polite small talk realms.
“Inanallas, I haven’t had much of a chance to learn much about your people — my people now as well I suppose, which is a pity I think. Spouses should know at least that much about each other I think.”
Inan chokes a little on their wine. “Well, to start we’re one of the few more stationary clans, we settled in the far south in the mountains —“
“The mountains?!” Thenvunin gasps.
“In them? Or at the base? I imagine that must be difficult with magic so thin.” Uthvir does not miss a beat.
“No, in them. Empire people wouldn’t be bothered by traveling or living around the bottom of them but no one wants to go up them except for the children of the stone and they’re not exactly best friends with your people so even if we run into them it’s unlikely they’d give us away.”
Uthvir smirked. “True. Was that why you chose to settle there?”
Inan shrugs. “Most likely it was a factor. We’d had a campsite there or in the area so we already knew about the conditions and it was where the Keeper took the clan when we escaped an assault, but they died shortly after getting us there. Durgenara was their First so after that she decided we would stay there—it’s defensible, remote and ignored so it was really the best choice.”
“Durgenara seems like a very wise woman.”
Inanallas barks out a short involuntary laugh they stifle quietly with a hand, tinging a little pink. “Terrifyingly so.”
“But surely you could have found a less hostile environment to live in after the clan recuperated? Or continued moving as I’ve heard other clans did.” Thenvunin asked, fingering his glass’s stem nervously.
“True, but that has it’s own risks as well. You can get spotted and attacked while moving from camp to camp. Or have your sites discovered and find an ambush waiting for you. Even the clans who found work arounds to those problems like Malarenan’s clan still has to deal with all kinds of potential environmental disasters, her clan especially, since they’re sea faring. At least in the mountains we have some consistency and a strong position in case of an attack.”
“I suppose that is practical, but it must be so cold—“
They can’t help but smile a little. “It is, but that’s what spells and warm cloths are for.”
Thenvunin pouts a little, brows furrowing. “I suppose.”
She smiles at him, he’s handsome even when disapproving. They slip one of the little fancy cakes onto the pretty painted plate in front of him, one of the fanciest ones with all the decorations the baker could cram onto it.
“You’re very sweet to be so concerned, you know. I do appreciate it.”
Thenvunin flushes very prettily, it makes him a bit less scary. They can see some of the fact that he’s just a man now— a very handsome, very proper, very fancy man but still.
Eventually they all have to dance together for everyone in attendance, it’s some kind of imperial thing and deeply terrifying, if it weren’t for Dignity Inanallas would be locked in place and they’d have to move them around like a board. But as it goes they manage to not embarrass themselves, Uthvir dances with both of them for as short an amount of time as they can manage without looking rude then quickly redirects them into dancing with each other which goes on for much longer. Partially as Inanallas uses it to cover for Uthvir —just in case that’s needed they have nooooo idea— and partially because Thenvunin seems to enjoy dancing and it seems like the spousely thing to do to dance more because your partner likes it.
The whole first day of the celebrations, with all the actually important bits, feels like it goes on for for-fucking-ever and is mostly just a series of obstacles in the shape of things that’d be fun if there was less of it or less pressure to look like they were enjoying themselves. Eventually Inanallas decides to call it a night, there’s only so much stress and cake they can take in one day and they can feel Uthvir flagging beside them, tiny hints of physical discomfort starting to show, while Thenvunin is tipsy working on drunk— or just drunk, they have no idea how to gauge his drunkness yet. They’re worried about whatever might be wrong with Uthvir and if Thenvunin has anymore fun they’re worried he might not be able to walk out of here under his own power.
So Inanallas begins the extraction process which is much more full of “wedding night” comments then they’d ever wanted to even know of in their life and a lot of very unpleasant, creepy looks from Andruil that crawl over Uthvir and then get turned to them where they get all triumphant and smug, which are excellent for making them even more worried about whatever the fuck is going on there then they already had been. They’re about to act on a plan to all but manhandle their spouses out of there before Andruil gets a chance to keep over and seal the fucking deal on being a creepy fuck when they catch eyes with Féwena who proceeds to sit down in the seat next to the huntress and be her blessedly implacable self.
They’d get her some good booze or knives or something for that.
Mythal has been kind enough to supply Inanallas and Uthvir quarters in her palace for this whole fiasco close to Thenvunin’s own, though there’s an ominous assumption that they’ll all be in Inanallas’s tonight at least.
Yeah. No.
They all make it out of the worst of the crowd fine but Thenvunin begins to have real trouble walking as the alcohol and exhaustion begin to mix full force then they get to the quieter, more sedate living quarter levels, so Inanallas decides to just carry him the rest of the way to be safe. He’s surprised at first and makes a very indignant sound while turning a bright red, Uthvir chuckles beside them.
“How romantic,” They tease. “Very fitting to carry your husband to your wedding bed, I feel a bit left out.”
“Well then climb on. I’ll carry both of you up.”
Uthvir cackles at that. “Now that’d be a sight!”
“No! Don’t!” Thenvunin hisses, clutching on to Inan. “ If you do they’ll topple over! I’m already heavy enough as it is…”
His protest trails off into a murmur as he frowns, looking down at himself unhappily. Inanallas doesn’t like it one bit, Thenvunin is very pretty and shouldn’t feel bad about being made of bones and things that have physical mass. They give him a bit of a squeeze, holding him closer.
“Nonsense, you weigh as much as an armful of roses.”
“No I don’t…”
“Really, I’m carrying right now and I can tell, as light as flowers.”
“Our new spouse is right, I’ve never found you to be challenge to lift.”
“Th-that is because you are a horrible lecherous brute who gains strength from their libido!” Thenvunin sputters, shifting in their grasp and nearly elbowing them in the face. Sweet creators.
Uthvir has to really struggle to keep it together at that one.
“Hm. Possibly, but it could also be because you’re a pleasure to hold.”
“Wh-why you! That’s— I mean of course I am!— but not for you to hold! You savage! I’m sure you love this! Now that you have me trapped in your clutches!”
Uthvir’s resolve shatters and they can’t help but laugh as Thenvunin seems to forget to consider the poor elf keeping him up as he tries to turn to face Uthvir properly in their straining arms. Inanallas gives them a long suffering look that’s lost as their face is crushed into Thenvunin’s side. Uthvir almost feels bad for them. Almost.
“I will admit, it was pleasant to hear that you would be one of my future spouses.”
“So you admit it! You admit your devious schemes to claim me as your own!”
“ I admit I find you very attractive and exceedingly interesting and am not distraught to be wedded to you.”
“Of course you do! I am very handsome and charming and a wonderful husband!”
“Naturally. Perhaps even the most handsome and charming, and certainly the best husband I’d ever had. ”
Thenvunin seems a bit lost on how to make a good comeback to that at the moment and instead harrumphs and settles back into Inanallas’s arms. He’s somehow even redder, every inch of him blushing from Uthvir’s teasing.
“Well… Good.”
Inanallas’s face finally reappears looking highly amused and confused, they give Uthvir a look, ‘is he always like this?’. They return with a smirk and a cocked brow, ‘pretty much’.
They all make it to their rooms and Uthvir helps Inanallas bring Thenvunin into his, which they’re incredibly thankful for once it becomes clear Thenvunin thinks they’re actually going to do some of the things in the “wedding night” comments. Even if he weren’t drunk Inanallas would jump out of her skin at the idea, it’s about a thousand years too soon for that shit.
Uthvir also seems to not really be in the mood and has clearly interacted enough with Thenvunin in situations like this to distract him from trying to seduce them or whatever and keep his feathers from getting ruffled or feelings hurt. While Uthvir keeps Thenvunin on task, Inan sets to finding something for him to sleep in (which is Shockingly difficult, what even counts as what in here???), divesting him of all his jewelry and letting down his hair which greatly helps to keep things from getting awkward as once they start massaging, carding and piecing his hair for braiding Thenvunin gets significantly sleepier and more pliant.
Between the two of them they easily maneuver the drowsy elf out of his lovely gown, revealing some equally lovely lingerie in the process (…something to keep in mind for Later, hopefully…), and get him nicely in his sleepwear, then all tucked up in his bed safe as can be. It only take a little more soothing talk before he’s out like a light. Bless.
Inanallas sighs heavily, resting their hands on their hips and turns to look at Uthvir who gives them about the same look back.
“Welp, Good night.”
The hunter nods slightly. “Good night.”
They both head for their own rooms, happy to be done with it all, for today at least. But once inside Inanallas starts to worry, will Thenvunin feel bad waking up alone from his wedding night? They got the sense Uthvir was about as eager as them to get some rest but maybe Thenvunin wanted some kind of magical, romanticy wedding night— they certainly wouldn’t blame him for wanting one or hoping he might still manage one even with all the fuckery of this marriage. It’s the kind of thing marriages are supposed to have. He should want it. Will he feel unwanted if he wakes up and neither of them is even there?
It’s a deeply worrying thought that eats that them as they work at removing the veil and headpiece in front of the mirror. They couldn’t stay dressed like this even if they did stay with him, it would all get ruined and be very uncomfortable. First things first is to change into something comfortable, then decide on what to do.
At first, they resolve to be there when he wakes in the morning with a lovely breakfast in bed just for him. But what if he wakes up in the middle of the night, realizes he’s all alone on his wedding night and stays up crying? What if he’s heartbroken over it for days? Weeks? Years? What if it sets the course for him being miserable for the entirety of their marriage. Inanallas’s heart sinks and explodes in panic at the thought. No. It’s just too horrible, they can’t do that to him. They leave their room and head quietly back into his, dithering just past the threshold of his bedroom, not sure of what to do.
They don’t want to get into —or even on— his bed without his permission. It just feels awkward and wrong, but they do want to be somewhere where he can see them when he gets up so they can’t sleep out in the sitting room. There’s a settee with a pretty blanket or shawl or scarf or something elegantly draped on it to the side that looks like they could curl up on just fine. Quietly they slip over to it, remove the fancy cloth and cover themself with it as they lay down to sleep.
They wake up to the feel of cold metal claws gently carding through their hair. Blearily they look up to see Uthvir, standing over them carrying a tray of breakfast looking over at Thenvunin. Feeling Inan stir they look back down at them, smirking a little. Which might be their regular expression, they drowsily muse.
“Did you sleep there the whole night?”
Inanallas sits up, their potentially makeshift blanket—and another actual blanket?— falling down. Huh.
“Yup.”
There’s something in Uthvir’s expression they can’t quite parse. They smirk wider, showing rows of sharp teeth.
“How dutiful a spouse you are, better than a hound I dare say, you didn’t even get mud on the covers.”
Inan sniggers. “I always make sure to clean my paws before I get on fancy things. But really, I worried about how he’d react to waking up alone so…”
They shrug as Uthvir hums knowingly. “I had a similar thought, that’s why I came with this.” They lift the tray slightly.
Inanallas gets up and stretches a little before snagging little chunk of fruit from the spread.
“Truly you are wise and mighty.”
Uthvir grins boardly.
#my writing#arranged tanzanite au#tanzanite trio#uthvir#thenvunin#inanallas#god idk why but dialogue is just such a nightmare for me rn it's Hell#i feel like it's stunting some of these bc i just /cannot/ muster the Good Sentences that dont sound like the atla movie script#so Fuck It Yolo whatever that's what reworking shit later is for#tAKE IT AND ENJOY#TAKE IT FROM THESE LANDS SO I MIGHT BE FREE ONCE MORE
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9:49 PM 11/24/2016 (after watching ep7; before watching ep8)
I feel out of sync with the rest of the Yuri on Ice fandom.
I feel like 45% of the fandom is losing their minds over the shonen ai (maybe even getting insulted that I used the term "shonen ai", even though, compared to "yaoi" or "BL", that's the most literal reference to the male/male romantic subplot, while still also referencing anime being more apt to pander to fujoshi than portray realistic or at least dignified male/male romance), another 45% is ready to attack anyone who isn't also using the series as a talking point against heteronormativity, 5% are insisting it's just a sports anime with no romantic undertones, and another 5% want Victuuri's bond to develop further before we'll jump head-long into saying they're "totally in full-blown love right now". I'm in the last camp. And maybe that's made 95% of people stop reading this essay.
But quite frankly, I'm exasperated with how quickly the Yuri on Ice fandom became this landmine, where any little literary criticism was labelled as being against homosexual romance stories. Please stop doing that. Any good story is worth analyzing and standing up to criticism. And I won't say Yuri on Ice is a flimsy series. I'm all for any type of good romance, as long as it is not a cliche, "harlequin novel", shallow rom-com type of romance (which happens to be about 90% of the Romance genre stories out there). So maybe you can see why people in my camp are reluctant to just jump in from the very beginning and say that protagonists have been in love since first sight. That's not enough for us; that's not meaningful for us. That's not the type of story we enjoy. (Unless we're in the mood for shallow smut---Let's be sex positive here: Sometimes that's just what we're in the mood for. I suppose in the same way, shallow romance, which just gets immediately to the "romantic situations", is just what the Romance genre geeks are in the mood for, 24/7.) And when we see a story with such character depth and potential for an actual, emotionally substantial portrayal for romance, like Yuri on Ice, it feels sad to just rush it and assume all aspects of the story should be interpreted as rooted into the romantic subplot, rather than to wait for it to grow. After all, rushing to romantic interpretations implies that deeply intense platonic relationships as invalid, rather than equally significant. And in this romance-obsessed society, it's getting kind of tiring seeing all deep relationships assumed to end in Romance, and that result taken as being the norm. (Maybe I'm gray-A-romantic? Who knows.)
It's dumb of me to feel exasperated with everyone so strongly asserting their interpretations of Yuri on Ice, because a story can have multiple interpretations. And the more meanings that people can read into a story, the better proof of that story's quality. That versatility (rooted in a fundamental human experience) is what enables a story to "speak to" people. Like when "Frozen" was interpreted as an allegory for multiple repressed ways of life, by everyone from introverts, to homosexuals, to people with social anxiety disorder, even though the writers explained in interviews that they were intending a portrayal of artists who needed outlets of expression. The fact that that movie could be interpreted in so many ways, and mean so much to so many different people's issues, was proof of the story's power, relevance, and catharsis. So it's actually a good thing that Yuri on Ice's interpreted themes can have such versatility. I just don't want to feel like I'm going to get pounced on for disagreeing with anyone---even slightly! o~o
Like for example, here are some criticisms I have for the argument that Yuri on Ice should be treated as just as a "shonen ai" series, as 90% of the fandom has made me feel:
1) Yuri is an extremely introverted, socially cut-off type of person with few friends and difficulty maintaining bonds with the friends he has. His whole conflict with getting the music for his free program, revolved around him still needing to learn to be more open to people, whether that meant staying in touch, depending on them, sharing his vulnerabilities, or understanding that they wouldn't reject him for it. As such a private person, it seems out of character for him to jump at Romance, at the first chance. If he does feel it, it would be more reasonable for him to not even realize he was in love. This is why he lumped-in Victor along with his family and friends, during the press conference where he stated his season's theme as "Love". Yuri was just now learning to be aware of, accept, and mutually reciprocate the platonic bonds he had. He wasn't about to be totally in romantic love now. And without that conscious awareness and acceptance of any love he feels (whether romantic, platonic, or subconscious), it can't be fully realized until he consents to his own feelings. If (Romantic) Love is such an advanced form of human relationship, often cited as the realm of the mature, then how can detached Yuri, of all people, have fully realized it yet (halfway through the season 1)? I think the enjoyment of a "character study" series like Yuri on Ice is to watch Yuri gradually develop those emotional senses, so it would be a shame and a foregone conclusion to the plot, for Yuri to come to that mature developmental level too early in the series. I want to watch Yuri go from becoming comfortable with his familial relationships, to his friendships, then to deeper friendships, then to intense platonic relationships, then to romantic love. I'm here for the whole show, and when Yuri on Ice presented itself more like a "character study" than anything else, it set itself up for that higher expectation.
2) Let's face it: Most of the Victuuri scenes (first half of the series) have been just pandering to fujoshi. I've seen enough BL; I recognize it when I see it. And as some other people have noted, a lot of the Victurri scenes so far, have been played for laughs. How is that different from all the sex comedy gags from harem genre anime? I'll take Victurri seriously, when the series stops treating their sexual tension scenes as just comedic or fanservice.
3) There need to be more scenes of Victor and Yuri building a rapport and defining their characters to the audience, for us (or at least me) to believe they're really in love. There's been a lot of "character study" scenes on Yuri since the series began. And there have been glimpses of what deep-seated issues and needs Yuri has, that Victor happens to fulfill. We need more scenes like the one at the beach where Yuri's monologue noted how when he opens up, Victor meets him half way, and after learning what a struggle it is for Yuri to open up, we feel how significant Victor's outreach to him is. We need WAAAAAYYY more of that, to get to levels substantial enough to call Romance. And we need to know more about Victor too. What do we know other than he's flippant, playful, and impulsive? What does he value most, and does Yuri coincidentally embody those same values? Some characters have mentioned in-passing that Victor values surprising the audience while he skates, more than anything. But "tell vs show" doesn't cut it, especially when the series itself has established precedent of good "show vs tell", when it comes to portraying characterization. The series has already gotten us to _feel_ along with the characters before, so it can't skip out on that level of portrayal now, especially on emotions as advanced as romance. We need to not just hear second-hand about what they're like and assume they must be feeling this. When Victuuri happens fully, consciously, and consensually, it better be as equally visceral as Yuri on Ice has made us feel hesitant, self-doubting, afraid, and surprised with ourselves, along with Yuri's internal journey, regarding everything else in his life.
All that said, I _am_ very eager to see some true Victuuri. (After the debacle of some series sinking seemingly canon ships, I'd more than welcome Victuri canon.) I'm just willing to wait until it's fully baked. I won't settle for raw cookie dough, after what this series has already proven to be able to do with characterization. And I expect that when it does come, fully cooked, it will be the most savory katsudon EVER.
On Nov 22, 2016 2:36 am
I reblogged
http://mysticdragon3md3.tumblr.com/post/153512094252/rainbowcitrin-i-don-t-care-what-people-are
and commented in tags:
#same
#i'm picky about believing characters are in love
#if yuri on ice gives enough reasons to believe then i would get behind victuuri all the way
#too many romance stories expect you to suspend disbelief & just accept romantic scenarios
#i'm watching yoi for character study & sports anime & not for a hollywood rom-com movie
#yoi has potential for romance on a believable foundation
On Nov 30, 2016 4:21 pm I wrote: http://mysticdragon3md3.tumblr.com/post/153882409577/i-cant-be-excited-about-the-new-episode-of-yuri
#please ignore my idiocy#md3 watches yuri on ice#platonic love#romantic love#reasonable relationship progress#picky with my OTPs#2017-04-22 edit: I just realized I got the most important word of my 3rd paragraph wrong#OMG typos
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Quantum Investing; Beyond Retail; Wayfail; Shwedy Security
Quantum Investing; Beyond Retail; Wayfail; Shwedy Security:
A Quantum Leap
Today, dear readers, we take off our quarantine masks and put on our thinking caps. Well … figuratively speaking, at least. Keep those masks on for now, please.
Why our thinking caps? Because President Trump’s 2021 budget requests $237 million in funding for quantum computing. Roughly $25 million of that budget request comes directly from the U.S. Department of Energy — you know, the guys that helped bring us the internet 60 years ago?
While Trump’s budget still has a long way to go — i.e., through a Democrat-controlled House of Representatives — even he knows that quantum computing is the future of technology as we know it.
And that future is exceedingly bright, especially for investors who get in early.
That’s great, Mr. Great Stuff, real great. More spending on technology while we fight a virus? You’re starting to sound like Bold Profits. So, what is this “quantum computing” … and why should I care?
Why should you care? Hmm … because if we had quantum computers right now, we may already have a cure or vaccine for COVID-19. How’s that, Mr. Doubting Mustafa?
So far, everything you’ve ever seen, written, read or interacted with on a computer or the internet is made up of ones and zeros at its core. Get enough of these ones and zeros together, and you can publish a free e-zine on BanyanHill.com and deliver it to thousands of people on the internet.
But quantum computing? Now that’s a horse of a different color.
Quantum computing will change everything we know about computers, the internet, smartphones, cybersecurity, artificial intelligence (AI), health care, virus management … and even the weather.
It’s a complex topic that deserves a much more in-depth explanation if you’re into future technology. Though, I know you’re itching to hear the market side of things. (Quantum profits? In my portfolio?!) Tech investors, listen up…
The Takeaway:
Essentially, quantum computing is the next leap forward in our digital evolution. President Trump knows this, and it’s why he’s pushing for millions in new funding.
Now, your question should be: How do I get in on the emerging quantum computing mega trend?
I’m glad you asked! The answer is a lot simpler than you might expect…
Right now, only a handful of tech companies have the financial wherewithal to dive into quantum computing research in a meaningful way. Here are three to get you started:
Alphabet Inc. (Nasdaq: GOOGL): The Google parent always has a lot of goofy pet projects in the works, but the company’s quantum computing project is no joke. Codenamed “Bristlecone,” Alphabet’s new quantum computing semiconductor has 72 quantum bits, or qubits. These are the building blocks of quantum chips, just like bits are for current chips. The company leads the arms race in quantum computing power.
IBM Corp. (NYSE: IBM): Good old “Big Blue” built one of the world’s first successful quantum computers. While that computer has since been overshadowed by Alphabet’s Bristlecone, IBM remains at the forefront of developing a “commercial available universal quantum computer for business and science” … at least, according to the company’s quantum research page. A breakthrough in quantum computing could be just what IBM needs to return to relevancy in the data center and AI markets.
Intel Corp. (Nasdaq: INTC): You didn’t think the world’s original semiconductor behemoth would be left out of the quantum computing revolution, did you? Intel is already rolling out quantum semiconductors. Unfortunately, all of those chips need to operate at temperatures near absolute zero. That’s one hell of a cooling system. However, Intel is reportedly close to creating a 128 qubit chip, which would put it well ahead of Alphabet in the quantum processing race.
I know that’s a lot to take in … especially with our brains on autopilot after being locked inside for the past month. So, let me make this easier for you:
If you want expert, cutting-edge stock research on everything from AI to quantum computing, click here now!
The Good: Shwedy Results
In what should surprise literally no one, IT security and services firm, Check Point Software Technologies Ltd. (Nasdaq: CHKP) beat earnings and revenue expectations this morning.
This stay-at-home market has been a boon for Check Point, with the company beating Wall Street’s first-quarter expectations by $0.04 per share. Revenue of $486.5 million also topped the consensus estimate.
“Despite the COVID-19 pandemic, we sustained elevated business activity levels and delivered results in the upper half of our guidance with strength coming from the Americas,” said CEO Gil Shwed.
But, while the prior quarter benefited greatly from the new work-at-home economy, Shwed warned that “it’s hard to predict what effect this changing environment will have on the future.”
I get it. The future is hard to predict, especially right now. But, as long as this lockdown stays in effect, Check Point will continue to benefit handsomely.
The Bad: No Meat for You
“Stock rally + food service exposure + increased retail competition = downside risk,” says UBS analyst Steven Strycula. And you thought you were done with math today!
Strycula’s “new math” is in reference to Beyond Meat Inc. (Nasdaq: BYND). And, after BYND’s recent 100% surge, the UBS analyst believes now is the time to ditch BYND stock. He cut BYND from hold to sell and slashed his price target from $90 to $73.
In short, Strycula’s reasoning is that Beyond Meat has relied on restaurant deals to boost its bottom line. With practically every restaurant in the U.S. shut down, Beyond Meat will take a hit to its bottom line.
I admit that UBS has a point over the short term at least. Over the long term, however, the COVID-19 pandemic has the potential to change the eating habits of millions. As Great Stuff reported on Friday, CFRA Research told clients: “Most infectious disease outbreaks are transmitted from animals to humans.”
Furthermore, meat processing is shutting down around the world. You already know that China struggles with pork production. Now, we have Tyson Foods Inc. (NYSE: TSN) shutting down processing plants due to the virus.
These stories are clearly a short-term boost for BYND, driving investor sentiment more than the company’s bottom line. So, UBS isn’t wrong … for now. But the problems surrounding meat production amid COVID-19 give insight into Beyond Meat’s future. And that future is trending in the meatless wonder’s favor.
The Ugly: Way(Above)Fair Value
Remember when Wayfair Inc. (NYSE: W) reported a wider-than-expected quarterly loss, issued guidance far below expectations with negative quarterly margins?
Yeah, neither does Wall Street.
Wayfair stock has gone on a 400% bender since its Ides of March lows. But someone on Wall Street finally came to their senses.
Stifel analyst Scott Devitt responded to Wayfair’s insanity by downgrading the stock from buy to hold. According to Devitt, the stock passed his price target of $115 last week, and it’s time for a break.
Well … it’s not a resounding rebuke of the stock’s 400% surge, but I’ll take what I can get.
Wayfair’s main problem is that it has to spend — a lot — to stay fresh in consumers’ minds. The company directly competes with everyone from Amazon to Walmart … but it doesn’t have the same brand recognition.
In short, Wayfair’s revenue boost from online shopping amid the pandemic is eaten up by advertising costs.
I swear, I’m so tired of seeing Wayfair ads on Facebook. I can’t imagine how much this is costing the company … oh, wait, I can: negative margins.
The point is, Wayfair is nothing special. It offers products that you can find virtually everywhere else. The only reason it gets attention is because people can’t shop outside. As such, I fully expect Wayfair to see a sharp drop in sales once this lockdown is over. And that’s bad news for W shares.
Today’s Chart of the Week once again comes courtesy of Earnings Whispers on Twitter, with a whole lotta earnings season shakin’ goin’ on.
Hey, I can’t be the only one who gets excited about this kind of stuff. If you’ve never felt the brisk energizing action of corporate earnings, well, maybe you’re a more well-adjusted person than lil ol’ me.
Roughly 30% of the S&P 500 Index is set to report earnings this week, with more than a third of the Dow also spilling its beans. Not to mention, this week features the trillion-dollar tech titans face off. All eyes are on Amazon.com Inc. (Nasdaq: AMZN), a beacon of all online shopping supply chains, and Apple Inc. (Nasdaq: AAPL), bellwether of the “gotta get it now” crowd.
Google’s parent Alphabet already sowed doubts about its ad-dependent business slowing down. (And if you want to talk “we live and breathe ads,” why, Facebook Inc. (Nasdaq: FB) is just getting started … show me another Wayfair ad, I dare you, Zuckerberg!)
Here’s what else is kicking off this week:
AMD has yet another chance to upheave its consumer computer chip rival Intel.
Tesla Inc. (Nasdaq: TSLA) fanatics and traders alike will go ape-$#^! no matter what Elon Musk and co. end up reporting.
We hear from Spotify Technology S.A. (NYSE: SPOT), the streaming underdog and longtime Great Stuff Granted, I don’t think too many families are out there spending quarantine together around the radio. Guess I might as well huddle around to stream for Roosevelt’s fireside chats while I’m at it…
We get to see how much useless (or not-so-useless) stuff people have been buying on eBay.
It’s an all-airline affair with the best bailed-out buds, along with a look at how Boeing Co. (NYSE: BA) is holding up with the air industry’s collapse (plus, you know, its other production and PR debacles).
Finally, we round out the week with the Clorox Co. (NYSE: CLX) and Abbive Inc. (NYSE: ABBV) — two of Great Stuff’s stocks to beat the Wuhan virus … when we still called it that.
It’s sure to be a topsy-turvy week of earnings … but it’s not like you expected otherwise, right? Stick with Great Stuff and Banyan Hill, and we’ll help you dispel the earnings excellence from the hype and hogwash.
If you’re looking to venture out hunting for market bargains, just remember: You never have to go alone! Take a guide. They’re handy. They’ve been through choppy and unexpected markets before. And no matter what kind of earnings apocalypse we may be due for, you’ll want to keep your wits about you.
Click here now to find your guide.
That’s a wrap for today, but you can always catch us on social media: Facebook and Twitter. We hope you’re staying well out there!
Until next time, stay Great!
Regards,
Joseph Hargett
Editor, Great Stuff
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A Quantum Leap
Today, dear readers, we take off our quarantine masks and put on our thinking caps. Well … figuratively speaking, at least. Keep those masks on for now, please.
Why our thinking caps? Because President Trump’s 2021 budget requests $237 million in funding for quantum computing. Roughly $25 million of that budget request comes directly from the U.S. Department of Energy — you know, the guys that helped bring us the internet 60 years ago?
While Trump’s budget still has a long way to go — i.e., through a Democrat-controlled House of Representatives — even he knows that quantum computing is the future of technology as we know it.
And that future is exceedingly bright, especially for investors who get in early.
That’s great, Mr. Great Stuff, real great. More spending on technology while we fight a virus? You’re starting to sound like Bold Profits. So, what is this “quantum computing” … and why should I care?
Why should you care? Hmm … because if we had quantum computers right now, we may already have a cure or vaccine for COVID-19. How’s that, Mr. Doubting Mustafa?
So far, everything you’ve ever seen, written, read or interacted with on a computer or the internet is made up of ones and zeros at its core. Get enough of these ones and zeros together, and you can publish a free e-zine on BanyanHill.com and deliver it to thousands of people on the internet.
But quantum computing? Now that’s a horse of a different color.
Quantum computing will change everything we know about computers, the internet, smartphones, cybersecurity, artificial intelligence (AI), health care, virus management … and even the weather.
It’s a complex topic that deserves a much more in-depth explanation if you’re into future technology. Though, I know you’re itching to hear the market side of things. (Quantum profits? In my portfolio?!) Tech investors, listen up…
The Takeaway:
Essentially, quantum computing is the next leap forward in our digital evolution. President Trump knows this, and it’s why he’s pushing for millions in new funding.
Now, your question should be: How do I get in on the emerging quantum computing mega trend?
I’m glad you asked! The answer is a lot simpler than you might expect…
Right now, only a handful of tech companies have the financial wherewithal to dive into quantum computing research in a meaningful way. Here are three to get you started:
Alphabet Inc. (Nasdaq: GOOGL): The Google parent always has a lot of goofy pet projects in the works, but the company’s quantum computing project is no joke. Codenamed “Bristlecone,” Alphabet’s new quantum computing semiconductor has 72 quantum bits, or qubits. These are the building blocks of quantum chips, just like bits are for current chips. The company leads the arms race in quantum computing power.
IBM Corp. (NYSE: IBM): Good old “Big Blue” built one of the world’s first successful quantum computers. While that computer has since been overshadowed by Alphabet’s Bristlecone, IBM remains at the forefront of developing a “commercial available universal quantum computer for business and science” … at least, according to the company’s quantum research page. A breakthrough in quantum computing could be just what IBM needs to return to relevancy in the data center and AI markets.
Intel Corp. (Nasdaq: INTC): You didn’t think the world’s original semiconductor behemoth would be left out of the quantum computing revolution, did you? Intel is already rolling out quantum semiconductors. Unfortunately, all of those chips need to operate at temperatures near absolute zero. That’s one hell of a cooling system. However, Intel is reportedly close to creating a 128 qubit chip, which would put it well ahead of Alphabet in the quantum processing race.
I know that’s a lot to take in … especially with our brains on autopilot after being locked inside for the past month. So, let me make this easier for you:
If you want expert, cutting-edge stock research on everything from AI to quantum computing, click here now!
The Good: Shwedy Results
In what should surprise literally no one, IT security and services firm, Check Point Software Technologies Ltd. (Nasdaq: CHKP) beat earnings and revenue expectations this morning.
This stay-at-home market has been a boon for Check Point, with the company beating Wall Street’s first-quarter expectations by $0.04 per share. Revenue of $486.5 million also topped the consensus estimate.
“Despite the COVID-19 pandemic, we sustained elevated business activity levels and delivered results in the upper half of our guidance with strength coming from the Americas,” said CEO Gil Shwed.
But, while the prior quarter benefited greatly from the new work-at-home economy, Shwed warned that “it’s hard to predict what effect this changing environment will have on the future.”
I get it. The future is hard to predict, especially right now. But, as long as this lockdown stays in effect, Check Point will continue to benefit handsomely.
The Bad: No Meat for You
“Stock rally + food service exposure + increased retail competition = downside risk,” says UBS analyst Steven Strycula. And you thought you were done with math today!
Strycula’s “new math” is in reference to Beyond Meat Inc. (Nasdaq: BYND). And, after BYND’s recent 100% surge, the UBS analyst believes now is the time to ditch BYND stock. He cut BYND from hold to sell and slashed his price target from $90 to $73.
In short, Strycula’s reasoning is that Beyond Meat has relied on restaurant deals to boost its bottom line. With practically every restaurant in the U.S. shut down, Beyond Meat will take a hit to its bottom line.
I admit that UBS has a point over the short term at least. Over the long term, however, the COVID-19 pandemic has the potential to change the eating habits of millions. As Great Stuff reported on Friday, CFRA Research told clients: “Most infectious disease outbreaks are transmitted from animals to humans.”
Furthermore, meat processing is shutting down around the world. You already know that China struggles with pork production. Now, we have Tyson Foods Inc. (NYSE: TSN) shutting down processing plants due to the virus.
These stories are clearly a short-term boost for BYND, driving investor sentiment more than the company’s bottom line. So, UBS isn’t wrong … for now. But the problems surrounding meat production amid COVID-19 give insight into Beyond Meat’s future. And that future is trending in the meatless wonder’s favor.
The Ugly: Way(Above)Fair Value
Remember when Wayfair Inc. (NYSE: W) reported a wider-than-expected quarterly loss, issued guidance far below expectations with negative quarterly margins?
Yeah, neither does Wall Street.
Wayfair stock has gone on a 400% bender since its Ides of March lows. But someone on Wall Street finally came to their senses.
Stifel analyst Scott Devitt responded to Wayfair’s insanity by downgrading the stock from buy to hold. According to Devitt, the stock passed his price target of $115 last week, and it’s time for a break.
Well … it’s not a resounding rebuke of the stock’s 400% surge, but I’ll take what I can get.
Wayfair’s main problem is that it has to spend — a lot — to stay fresh in consumers’ minds. The company directly competes with everyone from Amazon to Walmart … but it doesn’t have the same brand recognition.
In short, Wayfair’s revenue boost from online shopping amid the pandemic is eaten up by advertising costs.
I swear, I’m so tired of seeing Wayfair ads on Facebook. I can’t imagine how much this is costing the company … oh, wait, I can: negative margins.
The point is, Wayfair is nothing special. It offers products that you can find virtually everywhere else. The only reason it gets attention is because people can’t shop outside. As such, I fully expect Wayfair to see a sharp drop in sales once this lockdown is over. And that’s bad news for W shares.
Today’s Chart of the Week once again comes courtesy of Earnings Whispers on Twitter, with a whole lotta earnings season shakin’ goin’ on.
Hey, I can’t be the only one who gets excited about this kind of stuff. If you’ve never felt the brisk energizing action of corporate earnings, well, maybe you’re a more well-adjusted person than lil ol’ me.
Roughly 30% of the S&P 500 Index is set to report earnings this week, with more than a third of the Dow also spilling its beans. Not to mention, this week features the trillion-dollar tech titans face off. All eyes are on Amazon.com Inc. (Nasdaq: AMZN), a beacon of all online shopping supply chains, and Apple Inc. (Nasdaq: AAPL), bellwether of the “gotta get it now” crowd.
Google’s parent Alphabet already sowed doubts about its ad-dependent business slowing down. (And if you want to talk “we live and breathe ads,” why, Facebook Inc. (Nasdaq: FB) is just getting started … show me another Wayfair ad, I dare you, Zuckerberg!)
Here’s what else is kicking off this week:
AMD has yet another chance to upheave its consumer computer chip rival Intel.
Tesla Inc. (Nasdaq: TSLA) fanatics and traders alike will go ape-$#^! no matter what Elon Musk and co. end up reporting.
We hear from Spotify Technology S.A. (NYSE: SPOT), the streaming underdog and longtime Great Stuff Granted, I don’t think too many families are out there spending quarantine together around the radio. Guess I might as well huddle around to stream for Roosevelt’s fireside chats while I’m at it…
We get to see how much useless (or not-so-useless) stuff people have been buying on eBay.
It’s an all-airline affair with the best bailed-out buds, along with a look at how Boeing Co. (NYSE: BA) is holding up with the air industry’s collapse (plus, you know, its other production and PR debacles).
Finally, we round out the week with the Clorox Co. (NYSE: CLX) and Abbive Inc. (NYSE: ABBV) — two of Great Stuff’s stocks to beat the Wuhan virus … when we still called it that.
It’s sure to be a topsy-turvy week of earnings … but it’s not like you expected otherwise, right? Stick with Great Stuff and Banyan Hill, and we’ll help you dispel the earnings excellence from the hype and hogwash.
If you’re looking to venture out hunting for market bargains, just remember: You never have to go alone! Take a guide. They’re handy. They’ve been through choppy and unexpected markets before. And no matter what kind of earnings apocalypse we may be due for, you’ll want to keep your wits about you.
Click here now to find your guide.
That’s a wrap for today, but you can always catch us on social media: Facebook and Twitter. We hope you’re staying well out there!
Until next time, stay Great!
Regards,
Joseph Hargett
Editor, Great Stuff
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Lineup Lamentations - GW33
Our Transfers, Captains, and Starting 11s.
WALSH (abridged version written by Alon)
Transfers:
OUT: Kun and Tony Valencia
IN: Kane and Joel Ward
So RE: Kane/Bookaku debacle on the pod we decided to go with what was initially dialed in - simple - Kun to Kane. Walsh later chimed in after listening to the pod from Japan to “fuck Lukaku” and bring in Kane and cap him :).. so there we have that. I think Romelu is NOT essential going forward except for this week. Not having big Rom this week is a very very scary risk but Walsh plays dangerously and so here we are.
The second transfer was done when me and Walsh were texting today, like 6pm my time and 7am his time in Japan we got it done. We decided to fuck off Valencia and that whole headache. Hard to imagine him starting more then 1 match in their next three and we decided to triple up Palace who have a great fixture this week and obviously the double next week. Ward the safest/most nailed fuck in their backline so here we are. And Walsh obviously a massive Palace supporter made it all sweeter.
GK: Big Tom Heaton 4 life. But actually not for life he will probably be fucked off by Walsh next week for Valdes.
DEF: Alonso 4 actual life (fuck off Tom). Bellend is away at ‘Boro so maybe Arsenal will keep a clean? Don’t hold ur breath. New great friend Joel Ward comes in against a shitty ass Leicester side who will probably rest 4-5 lads before their UCL second leg vs Atletico (which is now all that matters for them).
MID: Keeping Siggy and Ayew was decided on by Guest Jason, Derek, and me on the pod and so here we are. Siggy is at Watford (PLUM) and brother of Jordan is at Sundy (PLUM) so all of our fingers are crossed that we did good by Walsh. Wilf the legend easily keeps his place and Alexis on thin ice (but not really) is well overdue a tit for the both of us.
FWD: Walsh loooooves Kane. I remember Walsh getting in Kane in 13/14 season when I barely knew who he was and he was priced at like 5.5 mil.. It’s nice for Walsh to have Kane back reunited with Harold or Harrison or who cares. Ibra absolutely nailed into all relevant FPL squads from GW34 onwards with their two upcoming doubles and rounded out by the of nowhere confident Benteke who could haul home vs Leicester. I feel it at least.
CAP: Kane. Scenes.
ALON
Transfers:
OUT: EVERYONE BABY IM ON WILDCARD FUCK EVERYONE
IN: WILDCARD LETS FUCKING FUCKKKKKKK4206969
OK I’ve been tinkering for literally hours today. I’m worthless. Here’s where I ended up and I’ll dig into it below:
GK: Pickford the god has been in my team a long long time and I surprisingly don’t hate him, I kind of love him. That’s saying a lot tbh..
My second GK is Valdes purely for the ‘Boro double gameweek next week. He probably won’t start again for me all season.
DEF: We were all talking shit on Alonso on our text thread and then he put in a peach of a FK and everything was immediately retracted. I know the clean sheets yada yada yada but we love him for his attacking intent. We’re getting basically an attacking winger for 6.4 (when I bought him) who’s out of position listed as a defender and therefore gets clean-sheet points on a top three defense. He’ll also be essential for GW36 and GW37.. It’s simple as that so back off of me and him. Starting Kelly this week home to Leicester - Palace are in scenic form and as I wrote above Leicester are shit and will be resting a bunch of people. Could be a cheeky clean / baps type of game from old friend Martin who should be nailed for at least the next 3-4 matches with their injuries and Sakho unable to play vs LFC. And lastly Holgate in there as mostly an enabler with his cheapness but also because I want to start him this week home Burnley so that’s all that needs to be said about that. Fuck Burnley...
Rounding out the bench Bailly is in as one of only two nailed United defenders (the other being Rojo). Bailly I like a lot more and is seemingly much better on bonus so I’m there. He’s also just a way better player for me which I’m hoping secures his spot more firmly when other guys eventually return. Stephens another bench dweller and $$$ enabler but he’s seemingly nailed. He will not see the pitch for me until GW35 home to Hull (maybe) and then the two doubles GW36 and GW37.
MID: Alli I’ve been saying for weeks on weeks is the best midfielder in the game in terms of value and tits. Kane back is a small dent as Spurs will still fuck most teams sideways. Alli not goin’ anywhere. Alexis I presented my case for him on the pod and my inability to part with him is a large part of the reason I ended up wildcarding after all. Yes he’s in bad form, yes he’s playing out wide, yes Arsenal are fucked up right now. But I think over the rest of the season and two doubles his class will shine through. You wanna leave in the summer Alexis? Show me. Zaha one of the few who kept their place in my squad through the wildcard grinder and how could he not do? He’s a fucking festival and will probably get sold for 50million this summer. Not to mention he doubles in GW34. And lastly King. It had to be King. It’s the obvious move and the template move but he’s just the best guy for the spot since the Southampton’s first (of two) double gameweeks is further away then we thought it’d be. If, say, Soton were doubling this week or GW35 I’d’ve maybe gone Redmond or JWP instead but I cannot reason that in this moment. Go on Josh.
My bench / 5th mid is Romeu. I was tinkering with this spot maybe most of all spots. I had a cheeky Leadbitter in there (good stats but not nailed) and some other fucks too. I ended up with Romeu and his nailedness and his two doubles approaching. He doesn’t have any attacking prowess whatsoever but he will probably play ~360 minutes over GW36 and GW37 and that at minimum is 4 points per GW. Maybe some clean sheets and maybe some bones that could rise a bit. But I’ll take 4 points a week.
FWD: The holy trinity. Romelu the god home Burnley this week looking to cement the fuck out of his very shiny golden boot. King Kane returns and we have all wasted no time to get there. He’s the best player in FPL and there is really no one else to even consider ahead of him for me. And lastly Ibra. Nothing more to be said for Ibra. We all know he’s not explosive and we all know that he’s essential. I hate saying players are essential but Ibra really is.
CAP: Sticking with my pod guns and keeping it on Rom. Kane is sooooo tempting because of his much lower ownership percentage but I gotta stick with my twats here. Kane might not start or might just play 60-70 minutes and Lukaku at home vs shit teams is as automatic as one can get this season. Let’s ride it.
SPECIAL GUEST DEREK C.
Transfers:
OUT: Costa and Aguero
IN (For -4 Points): Lukaku and Kane
Even though it is tough for me to imagine kicking two of my favorite bros to the curb, it seems that Alon did a good job of convincing me live on the pod this week to bring on one of my FPL debut strikers, Bookaku, and the mouth breather, Harold "my real fucking name is Harry" Kane. I will take the -4 hit, which I have only done maybe once or twice this whole year, it makes sense to me due to their tasty fixtures and likely high captaincy rates. Additionally, I still do not have any Spurs players so it seems prudent to finally bring one on. Harry, please treat some dongs for me and make this reunion worthwhile.
GK: For the first time since GW27, I am going to go with General Lee Grant. Tommy Boy is playing at Everton and I am hoping Bookaku scores a hat trick against while the fusion of the Confederate and Union archenemy Generals is playing Hull at home.
DEF: Fresh off a delightful dinner with my parents and me, Marcos A. will get his spot, per usual. Chelsea is playing Manure so not necessarily expecting a clean, but Alonso's constant flanking of the wing and involvement in the offense makes him a locked starter on my side. My other Stoke lad and a stalwart on my squad since GW1, Pieters, will also get the start. Lastly, I will go with Valencia and hope he plays more than 60' despite Mou's vague comments about his status. He played all 90' in the Europa match but with all of United's fixture pile up, who really knows what will happen with him. If Valencia gets rested, I will have Holebas first off my bench.
MID: With Arsenal desperate for a win, Alexis survives one more week on my side and I expect him to return against Shiddlesbrough. Wenger's recent remarks that Alexis prefers to play wide than upfront makes me think he may not be back up top this season which makes me sad, alas. Another one of my loyal lieutenants, Siggy, will get his spot again. No assists or goals since GW 28 has been a complete joke, but the tide must turn for him and his desperate shit team. Leroy Sané gets his second start for my side this weekend. He hasn't returned in a couple of gameweeks but I really have loved his involvement and the chances he has had in recent memory. With Kun out for me, he is now my only City representation. Lastly, but certainly not least, Wilfried gets the final spot for my team this week. Returning in three of his last five fixtures he has looked great and Palace has also been playing very well, beating Chelsea and Arsenal in two of the last three gameweeks. I am hoping for at least an assist from Mr. Zaha this week against Leicester.
FWD: Divock gets his likely last go around for me ahead of bringing on Zlatan next week for the doubles. I am kinda nervous that Sturridge will get the nod ahead of Origi but fingers are crossed. My two new lads, Rom and Kane, will get the last two slots up front. Nothing else needs to be said here.
CAP: BOOKAKU. This is not a very exciting or unique captain shout but feels like a safe and responsible move. Kane versus Bournemouth is also on my mind but I am still nervous that he will not play the full game. Although Bookaku has frustrated me at times this year in certain games when it seems like he is barely involved or even touches the ball, it cannot be overlooked that he has the second most points in all of FPL, only behind Alexis. Burnley is a nice fixture at home so hoping for an explosion from the Belgian while Everton try to make an unlikely push for a top four finish.
#Lineup Lamentations#Lineup Lambs#Lambs#FML FPL#FMLFPL#FML#FPL#Fantasy Premier League#Premier League#English Premier League#EPL#Fantasy PL#FantasyPL#Fantasy EPL#FantasyEPL#Soccer#Fantasy Soccer#Football#Fantasy Football#Sports#Fantasy Sports#Podcast
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Quantum Investing; Beyond Retail; Wayfail; Shwedy Security
Quantum Investing; Beyond Retail; Wayfail; Shwedy Security:
A Quantum Leap
Today, dear readers, we take off our quarantine masks and put on our thinking caps. Well … figuratively speaking, at least. Keep those masks on for now, please.
Why our thinking caps? Because President Trump’s 2021 budget requests $237 million in funding for quantum computing. Roughly $25 million of that budget request comes directly from the U.S. Department of Energy — you know, the guys that helped bring us the internet 60 years ago?
While Trump’s budget still has a long way to go — i.e., through a Democrat-controlled House of Representatives — even he knows that quantum computing is the future of technology as we know it.
And that future is exceedingly bright, especially for investors who get in early.
That’s great, Mr. Great Stuff, real great. More spending on technology while we fight a virus? You’re starting to sound like Bold Profits. So, what is this “quantum computing” … and why should I care?
Why should you care? Hmm … because if we had quantum computers right now, we may already have a cure or vaccine for COVID-19. How’s that, Mr. Doubting Mustafa?
So far, everything you’ve ever seen, written, read or interacted with on a computer or the internet is made up of ones and zeros at its core. Get enough of these ones and zeros together, and you can publish a free e-zine on BanyanHill.com and deliver it to thousands of people on the internet.
But quantum computing? Now that’s a horse of a different color.
Quantum computing will change everything we know about computers, the internet, smartphones, cybersecurity, artificial intelligence (AI), health care, virus management … and even the weather.
It’s a complex topic that deserves a much more in-depth explanation if you’re into future technology. Though, I know you’re itching to hear the market side of things. (Quantum profits? In my portfolio?!) Tech investors, listen up…
The Takeaway:
Essentially, quantum computing is the next leap forward in our digital evolution. President Trump knows this, and it’s why he’s pushing for millions in new funding.
Now, your question should be: How do I get in on the emerging quantum computing mega trend?
I’m glad you asked! The answer is a lot simpler than you might expect…
Right now, only a handful of tech companies have the financial wherewithal to dive into quantum computing research in a meaningful way. Here are three to get you started:
Alphabet Inc. (Nasdaq: GOOGL): The Google parent always has a lot of goofy pet projects in the works, but the company’s quantum computing project is no joke. Codenamed “Bristlecone,” Alphabet’s new quantum computing semiconductor has 72 quantum bits, or qubits. These are the building blocks of quantum chips, just like bits are for current chips. The company leads the arms race in quantum computing power.
IBM Corp. (NYSE: IBM): Good old “Big Blue” built one of the world’s first successful quantum computers. While that computer has since been overshadowed by Alphabet’s Bristlecone, IBM remains at the forefront of developing a “commercial available universal quantum computer for business and science” … at least, according to the company’s quantum research page. A breakthrough in quantum computing could be just what IBM needs to return to relevancy in the data center and AI markets.
Intel Corp. (Nasdaq: INTC): You didn’t think the world’s original semiconductor behemoth would be left out of the quantum computing revolution, did you? Intel is already rolling out quantum semiconductors. Unfortunately, all of those chips need to operate at temperatures near absolute zero. That’s one hell of a cooling system. However, Intel is reportedly close to creating a 128 qubit chip, which would put it well ahead of Alphabet in the quantum processing race.
I know that’s a lot to take in … especially with our brains on autopilot after being locked inside for the past month. So, let me make this easier for you:
If you want expert, cutting-edge stock research on everything from AI to quantum computing, click here now!
The Good: Shwedy Results
In what should surprise literally no one, IT security and services firm, Check Point Software Technologies Ltd. (Nasdaq: CHKP) beat earnings and revenue expectations this morning.
This stay-at-home market has been a boon for Check Point, with the company beating Wall Street’s first-quarter expectations by $0.04 per share. Revenue of $486.5 million also topped the consensus estimate.
“Despite the COVID-19 pandemic, we sustained elevated business activity levels and delivered results in the upper half of our guidance with strength coming from the Americas,” said CEO Gil Shwed.
But, while the prior quarter benefited greatly from the new work-at-home economy, Shwed warned that “it’s hard to predict what effect this changing environment will have on the future.”
I get it. The future is hard to predict, especially right now. But, as long as this lockdown stays in effect, Check Point will continue to benefit handsomely.
The Bad: No Meat for You
“Stock rally + food service exposure + increased retail competition = downside risk,” says UBS analyst Steven Strycula. And you thought you were done with math today!
Strycula’s “new math” is in reference to Beyond Meat Inc. (Nasdaq: BYND). And, after BYND’s recent 100% surge, the UBS analyst believes now is the time to ditch BYND stock. He cut BYND from hold to sell and slashed his price target from $90 to $73.
In short, Strycula’s reasoning is that Beyond Meat has relied on restaurant deals to boost its bottom line. With practically every restaurant in the U.S. shut down, Beyond Meat will take a hit to its bottom line.
I admit that UBS has a point over the short term at least. Over the long term, however, the COVID-19 pandemic has the potential to change the eating habits of millions. As Great Stuff reported on Friday, CFRA Research told clients: “Most infectious disease outbreaks are transmitted from animals to humans.”
Furthermore, meat processing is shutting down around the world. You already know that China struggles with pork production. Now, we have Tyson Foods Inc. (NYSE: TSN) shutting down processing plants due to the virus.
These stories are clearly a short-term boost for BYND, driving investor sentiment more than the company’s bottom line. So, UBS isn’t wrong … for now. But the problems surrounding meat production amid COVID-19 give insight into Beyond Meat’s future. And that future is trending in the meatless wonder’s favor.
The Ugly: Way(Above)Fair Value
Remember when Wayfair Inc. (NYSE: W) reported a wider-than-expected quarterly loss, issued guidance far below expectations with negative quarterly margins?
Yeah, neither does Wall Street.
Wayfair stock has gone on a 400% bender since its Ides of March lows. But someone on Wall Street finally came to their senses.
Stifel analyst Scott Devitt responded to Wayfair’s insanity by downgrading the stock from buy to hold. According to Devitt, the stock passed his price target of $115 last week, and it’s time for a break.
Well … it’s not a resounding rebuke of the stock’s 400% surge, but I’ll take what I can get.
Wayfair’s main problem is that it has to spend — a lot — to stay fresh in consumers’ minds. The company directly competes with everyone from Amazon to Walmart … but it doesn’t have the same brand recognition.
In short, Wayfair’s revenue boost from online shopping amid the pandemic is eaten up by advertising costs.
I swear, I’m so tired of seeing Wayfair ads on Facebook. I can’t imagine how much this is costing the company … oh, wait, I can: negative margins.
The point is, Wayfair is nothing special. It offers products that you can find virtually everywhere else. The only reason it gets attention is because people can’t shop outside. As such, I fully expect Wayfair to see a sharp drop in sales once this lockdown is over. And that’s bad news for W shares.
Today’s Chart of the Week once again comes courtesy of Earnings Whispers on Twitter, with a whole lotta earnings season shakin’ goin’ on.
Hey, I can’t be the only one who gets excited about this kind of stuff. If you’ve never felt the brisk energizing action of corporate earnings, well, maybe you’re a more well-adjusted person than lil ol’ me.
Roughly 30% of the S&P 500 Index is set to report earnings this week, with more than a third of the Dow also spilling its beans. Not to mention, this week features the trillion-dollar tech titans face off. All eyes are on Amazon.com Inc. (Nasdaq: AMZN), a beacon of all online shopping supply chains, and Apple Inc. (Nasdaq: AAPL), bellwether of the “gotta get it now” crowd.
Google’s parent Alphabet already sowed doubts about its ad-dependent business slowing down. (And if you want to talk “we live and breathe ads,” why, Facebook Inc. (Nasdaq: FB) is just getting started … show me another Wayfair ad, I dare you, Zuckerberg!)
Here’s what else is kicking off this week:
AMD has yet another chance to upheave its consumer computer chip rival Intel.
Tesla Inc. (Nasdaq: TSLA) fanatics and traders alike will go ape-$#^! no matter what Elon Musk and co. end up reporting.
We hear from Spotify Technology S.A. (NYSE: SPOT), the streaming underdog and longtime Great Stuff Granted, I don’t think too many families are out there spending quarantine together around the radio. Guess I might as well huddle around to stream for Roosevelt’s fireside chats while I’m at it…
We get to see how much useless (or not-so-useless) stuff people have been buying on eBay.
It’s an all-airline affair with the best bailed-out buds, along with a look at how Boeing Co. (NYSE: BA) is holding up with the air industry’s collapse (plus, you know, its other production and PR debacles).
Finally, we round out the week with the Clorox Co. (NYSE: CLX) and Abbive Inc. (NYSE: ABBV) — two of Great Stuff’s stocks to beat the Wuhan virus … when we still called it that.
It’s sure to be a topsy-turvy week of earnings … but it’s not like you expected otherwise, right? Stick with Great Stuff and Banyan Hill, and we’ll help you dispel the earnings excellence from the hype and hogwash.
If you’re looking to venture out hunting for market bargains, just remember: You never have to go alone! Take a guide. They’re handy. They’ve been through choppy and unexpected markets before. And no matter what kind of earnings apocalypse we may be due for, you’ll want to keep your wits about you.
Click here now to find your guide.
That’s a wrap for today, but you can always catch us on social media: Facebook and Twitter. We hope you’re staying well out there!
Until next time, stay Great!
Regards,
Joseph Hargett
Editor, Great Stuff
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A Quantum Leap
Today, dear readers, we take off our quarantine masks and put on our thinking caps. Well … figuratively speaking, at least. Keep those masks on for now, please.
Why our thinking caps? Because President Trump’s 2021 budget requests $237 million in funding for quantum computing. Roughly $25 million of that budget request comes directly from the U.S. Department of Energy — you know, the guys that helped bring us the internet 60 years ago?
While Trump’s budget still has a long way to go — i.e., through a Democrat-controlled House of Representatives — even he knows that quantum computing is the future of technology as we know it.
And that future is exceedingly bright, especially for investors who get in early.
That’s great, Mr. Great Stuff, real great. More spending on technology while we fight a virus? You’re starting to sound like Bold Profits. So, what is this “quantum computing” … and why should I care?
Why should you care? Hmm … because if we had quantum computers right now, we may already have a cure or vaccine for COVID-19. How’s that, Mr. Doubting Mustafa?
So far, everything you’ve ever seen, written, read or interacted with on a computer or the internet is made up of ones and zeros at its core. Get enough of these ones and zeros together, and you can publish a free e-zine on BanyanHill.com and deliver it to thousands of people on the internet.
But quantum computing? Now that’s a horse of a different color.
Quantum computing will change everything we know about computers, the internet, smartphones, cybersecurity, artificial intelligence (AI), health care, virus management … and even the weather.
It’s a complex topic that deserves a much more in-depth explanation if you’re into future technology. Though, I know you’re itching to hear the market side of things. (Quantum profits? In my portfolio?!) Tech investors, listen up…
The Takeaway:
Essentially, quantum computing is the next leap forward in our digital evolution. President Trump knows this, and it’s why he’s pushing for millions in new funding.
Now, your question should be: How do I get in on the emerging quantum computing mega trend?
I’m glad you asked! The answer is a lot simpler than you might expect…
Right now, only a handful of tech companies have the financial wherewithal to dive into quantum computing research in a meaningful way. Here are three to get you started:
Alphabet Inc. (Nasdaq: GOOGL): The Google parent always has a lot of goofy pet projects in the works, but the company’s quantum computing project is no joke. Codenamed “Bristlecone,” Alphabet’s new quantum computing semiconductor has 72 quantum bits, or qubits. These are the building blocks of quantum chips, just like bits are for current chips. The company leads the arms race in quantum computing power.
IBM Corp. (NYSE: IBM): Good old “Big Blue” built one of the world’s first successful quantum computers. While that computer has since been overshadowed by Alphabet’s Bristlecone, IBM remains at the forefront of developing a “commercial available universal quantum computer for business and science” … at least, according to the company’s quantum research page. A breakthrough in quantum computing could be just what IBM needs to return to relevancy in the data center and AI markets.
Intel Corp. (Nasdaq: INTC): You didn’t think the world’s original semiconductor behemoth would be left out of the quantum computing revolution, did you? Intel is already rolling out quantum semiconductors. Unfortunately, all of those chips need to operate at temperatures near absolute zero. That’s one hell of a cooling system. However, Intel is reportedly close to creating a 128 qubit chip, which would put it well ahead of Alphabet in the quantum processing race.
I know that’s a lot to take in … especially with our brains on autopilot after being locked inside for the past month. So, let me make this easier for you:
If you want expert, cutting-edge stock research on everything from AI to quantum computing, click here now!
The Good: Shwedy Results
In what should surprise literally no one, IT security and services firm, Check Point Software Technologies Ltd. (Nasdaq: CHKP) beat earnings and revenue expectations this morning.
This stay-at-home market has been a boon for Check Point, with the company beating Wall Street’s first-quarter expectations by $0.04 per share. Revenue of $486.5 million also topped the consensus estimate.
“Despite the COVID-19 pandemic, we sustained elevated business activity levels and delivered results in the upper half of our guidance with strength coming from the Americas,” said CEO Gil Shwed.
But, while the prior quarter benefited greatly from the new work-at-home economy, Shwed warned that “it’s hard to predict what effect this changing environment will have on the future.”
I get it. The future is hard to predict, especially right now. But, as long as this lockdown stays in effect, Check Point will continue to benefit handsomely.
The Bad: No Meat for You
“Stock rally + food service exposure + increased retail competition = downside risk,” says UBS analyst Steven Strycula. And you thought you were done with math today!
Strycula’s “new math” is in reference to Beyond Meat Inc. (Nasdaq: BYND). And, after BYND’s recent 100% surge, the UBS analyst believes now is the time to ditch BYND stock. He cut BYND from hold to sell and slashed his price target from $90 to $73.
In short, Strycula’s reasoning is that Beyond Meat has relied on restaurant deals to boost its bottom line. With practically every restaurant in the U.S. shut down, Beyond Meat will take a hit to its bottom line.
I admit that UBS has a point over the short term at least. Over the long term, however, the COVID-19 pandemic has the potential to change the eating habits of millions. As Great Stuff reported on Friday, CFRA Research told clients: “Most infectious disease outbreaks are transmitted from animals to humans.”
Furthermore, meat processing is shutting down around the world. You already know that China struggles with pork production. Now, we have Tyson Foods Inc. (NYSE: TSN) shutting down processing plants due to the virus.
These stories are clearly a short-term boost for BYND, driving investor sentiment more than the company’s bottom line. So, UBS isn’t wrong … for now. But the problems surrounding meat production amid COVID-19 give insight into Beyond Meat’s future. And that future is trending in the meatless wonder’s favor.
The Ugly: Way(Above)Fair Value
Remember when Wayfair Inc. (NYSE: W) reported a wider-than-expected quarterly loss, issued guidance far below expectations with negative quarterly margins?
Yeah, neither does Wall Street.
Wayfair stock has gone on a 400% bender since its Ides of March lows. But someone on Wall Street finally came to their senses.
Stifel analyst Scott Devitt responded to Wayfair’s insanity by downgrading the stock from buy to hold. According to Devitt, the stock passed his price target of $115 last week, and it’s time for a break.
Well … it’s not a resounding rebuke of the stock’s 400% surge, but I’ll take what I can get.
Wayfair’s main problem is that it has to spend — a lot — to stay fresh in consumers’ minds. The company directly competes with everyone from Amazon to Walmart … but it doesn’t have the same brand recognition.
In short, Wayfair’s revenue boost from online shopping amid the pandemic is eaten up by advertising costs.
I swear, I’m so tired of seeing Wayfair ads on Facebook. I can’t imagine how much this is costing the company … oh, wait, I can: negative margins.
The point is, Wayfair is nothing special. It offers products that you can find virtually everywhere else. The only reason it gets attention is because people can’t shop outside. As such, I fully expect Wayfair to see a sharp drop in sales once this lockdown is over. And that’s bad news for W shares.
Today’s Chart of the Week once again comes courtesy of Earnings Whispers on Twitter, with a whole lotta earnings season shakin’ goin’ on.
Hey, I can’t be the only one who gets excited about this kind of stuff. If you’ve never felt the brisk energizing action of corporate earnings, well, maybe you’re a more well-adjusted person than lil ol’ me.
Roughly 30% of the S&P 500 Index is set to report earnings this week, with more than a third of the Dow also spilling its beans. Not to mention, this week features the trillion-dollar tech titans face off. All eyes are on Amazon.com Inc. (Nasdaq: AMZN), a beacon of all online shopping supply chains, and Apple Inc. (Nasdaq: AAPL), bellwether of the “gotta get it now” crowd.
Google’s parent Alphabet already sowed doubts about its ad-dependent business slowing down. (And if you want to talk “we live and breathe ads,” why, Facebook Inc. (Nasdaq: FB) is just getting started … show me another Wayfair ad, I dare you, Zuckerberg!)
Here’s what else is kicking off this week:
AMD has yet another chance to upheave its consumer computer chip rival Intel.
Tesla Inc. (Nasdaq: TSLA) fanatics and traders alike will go ape-$#^! no matter what Elon Musk and co. end up reporting.
We hear from Spotify Technology S.A. (NYSE: SPOT), the streaming underdog and longtime Great Stuff Granted, I don’t think too many families are out there spending quarantine together around the radio. Guess I might as well huddle around to stream for Roosevelt’s fireside chats while I’m at it…
We get to see how much useless (or not-so-useless) stuff people have been buying on eBay.
It’s an all-airline affair with the best bailed-out buds, along with a look at how Boeing Co. (NYSE: BA) is holding up with the air industry’s collapse (plus, you know, its other production and PR debacles).
Finally, we round out the week with the Clorox Co. (NYSE: CLX) and Abbive Inc. (NYSE: ABBV) — two of Great Stuff’s stocks to beat the Wuhan virus … when we still called it that.
It’s sure to be a topsy-turvy week of earnings … but it’s not like you expected otherwise, right? Stick with Great Stuff and Banyan Hill, and we’ll help you dispel the earnings excellence from the hype and hogwash.
If you’re looking to venture out hunting for market bargains, just remember: You never have to go alone! Take a guide. They’re handy. They’ve been through choppy and unexpected markets before. And no matter what kind of earnings apocalypse we may be due for, you’ll want to keep your wits about you.
Click here now to find your guide.
That’s a wrap for today, but you can always catch us on social media: Facebook and Twitter. We hope you’re staying well out there!
Until next time, stay Great!
Regards,
Joseph Hargett
Editor, Great Stuff
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