#Ok. If I keep this attitude up. I'm literally taking a one way train to depressed hell! | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

living-for-fiction · 1 year

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At what point, if you are experiencing situational depression and a return of suicidal ideation due to some specific interactions, is it manipulative to let people know you are once again, after a few years without being suicidal, experiencing suicidal ideation?

I genuinely cannot think of a way to express this without being manipulative, a drama queen, trying to force people to feel sorry for me, coming across as lying for attention, etc. Like I don't think I can express this. I don't think I can tell the people involved. It won't go over well, and yeah at this point I would genuinely rather die than be that kind of horrible manipulative person.

Apparently even posting stuff like this is manipulative and trying to present a specific pathetic persona so I can get attention, so idk. I know going on the "I guess I'm just a bad person" train is definitely manipulative and twisting the narrative to make people comfort me, but that's genuinely how I feel. I feel like my efforts are not good enough, no matter what decisions I make I'm going to hurt both myself AND other people, and I'm just tired. It would be very easy, and would solve a lot of problems, if I just died. I have life insurance which would cover my funeral, I know who would take care of my dog, my family is moving forward without me anyway, it would hurt my girlfriend but she'd still have the rest of the polycule... yeah.

I don't know how I can express this to people in meatspace without being a manipulative piece of shit though. I mean my girlfriend and the rest of the polycule know. I know right now they're very scared for me because they know how I'm feeling and I hate doing that to them, but even if I tried to pretend to be okay so they'd stop worrying, I don't know how to pretend that convincingly right now. Even if I can pull it off in faking my attitude, I'm literally having physical body effects. Insomnia is worse, though when I crash I crash hard; I'm eating tums like fucking cigarettes because my reflux is so bad; I can't eat more than one meal a day without throwing up and sometimes I throw up the one meal anyway; I'm distracted and can't focus even when I try; don't get me started on what the gastrointestional issues are doing to other already gross bodily functions. It's taking all my spoons to try to keep a professional "I'm ok" persona at work; I can't do it in my personal life.

I just genuinely don't know what to do. I think my existence hurts people.

#personal #mental health #depression #suicidal ideation tw

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lovetessamariehi · 8 months

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Ok so I probably shouldn't have peeped at my homegirl phone but I did and it said something like her and her gf thinking I might be trying to steal some shit out of this other chicks purse (she's passed out over here) and it's dumb bcuz I been trying to keep as far away from this chick this other chicks and their belongings... I only moved a few things to make room for us three plus one of em owns a dog too... it's a small one but still it's a lot of MFS in this small ass apartment I definitely need to move TF around later on today! Jus sayin cuz Im not tryna wear out my welcome that's for sure... Plus it's weird that I'm the one that has had shit of MINE go missing... So WTF?! Whatever I'm not trippin... This chick been here for months being a straight fuckin bum... But whatever maybe I'll go see my mama and spend some time with her... She constantly misses me anyways. I need to start spending more time with her anyways and stop bullshitting around... My kids too! Gotta get outta my funk before it gets worse (depression) it's already pretty fuckin bad I won't even pretend. So I just gotta take the time to figure out all kinds a shit.. m I wanna sign up for sum training classes or whatever they are called actually.... They're usually on a few weeks long type of course like 2-8 weeks... That way I'll be learning a new skill getting certified in in it... And upon completion I'll get a cash stipend... $$$ so basically it'll payoff literally... I haven't been able to do a lot of things because I didn't have my state ID for the longest and a stable phone number address or email address well now I do I have all 3! So time to get back on my grizzy!!

I'm sick of the way ppl get their lil funky ass attitudes and I don't wanna have to be around that shit no more... Mfs petty AF. I'm not gonna be like that towards ppl ever tho if I ir when i am faced with the same situation... I'll try to remember what it felt like for me and what I was going through at the time.... Hopefully I'm not a total bitch and then realize later on and feel bad about it hopefully I wont forget it ... It's a pretty shitty feeling that's for sure ... But am over it now and trying to move TF around in a couple hours here maybe even around 8 or 830 if the vibe feels off ya know? Cuz i hate awkward vibes and tension ya know?

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millenialfanfictionaddiction · 3 years

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🐈 Being Nekoma's Manager pt. 2 🐈

Nekoma x Female Manager pt. 2

Back with Nekoma's Meow-nager (get it 🤣 Ok bye ✌🏻)

Warnings: none

A/N: this was a request from @chocolateranchfanapricot 😭😭 I'm so glad so many people loved my Nekoma Manager headcannons! I have Seijoh, Shiratorizawa, Fukuradani and Inarizaki ready! If you'd like more teams, feel free to reach out!

Guess who's back 👀 back again 💃🕺

Miss Managers back and boy are you in for it

You thought these boys were crazy before nationals?

Get ready for the grind YN

After Nekoma's win against Nohebi, Coach Nekomata ramped up training

Meaning the boys ramped up on annoying you 🙄

Reviewing your notes with Kuroo, you realized Lev needed help on his blocks

Of course, you both were WELL aware of Lev's poor receiving and blocking abilities before you reviewed your notes

Alas you could no longer avoid the inevitable

Hence the action plan "Teach Lev to be at least mediocre at both" commenced

Queue you tossing ball after ball to the spikers while Lev tries to block as well as receive

I put an emphasis on TRIES

Yaku yells at him for moving around too much

Kuroo yells at him for holding his arms apart

Kenma just rolls his eyes

He doesn't even want to be here 🤚🏻

Queue Miss Manager to the rescue 🤸‍♀️

You walk up to Lev

Poor bby is sad 😔

Silence fills the air

You give him a big ole YN hug 🫂

"I Believe in you"

You gracefully glide away

Kuroo 👉🏻 smirking

Yaku and Yamamoto 👉🏻 jealous bbys

Kenma 👉🏻 playing on his phone in the corner

The rest of the boys 👉🏻 sad 😔

YN now you need to give them all hugs!

Big round of hugs from YN 🥰

The boys demand all demand your attention

You try to split up your time but let's be honest you only have two hands

Yaku and Kuroo both ask you for help on receiving

Queue alot of bickering between the two third years

Kai offers to help one of them

They still fight over who gets to work with you 🙄

Kai is no YN 🤚🏻

Speaking of Kai, the mans is a literal blessing

He's the only sane one of the team STILL

Inouka and Shibayama are nervous about going to nationals

Being only first years, they feel their skills aren't up to par with the rest of the team

Extra headpats all around 🙌🏻

Yamamoto is preparing for nationals in his own way

By working out the logistics of keeping you safe

Nationals means alot of teams which in turn means alot of boys

Boys that would dare LOOK at their precious YN 😤

Kenma is as hard to motivate as ever

Kuroo has come to rely heavily on your abilities to motivate Kenma

You will literally push him to practice if need be

Pick up the mans and haul him YN

Aka your ability to steal his switch and hold it hostage until the end of practice 👀

As the day for nationals arrive, you pile into the bus with all the boys

Sitting next to Kai of course 🥰

Yamamoto is sulking in the back 😒

Entering the dome, you immediately notice how many people are there

Very very tall people 😶

A forest could never 💅

Kuroo and Kai always walk up front, followed by Yaku and the rest of the team

You and Kenma pick up the tail end

Mainly because you don't want anyone to wander off 🙄

Seeing the boys talk with Karasuno, you seize the opportunity to use the restroom

While you were using the restroom, the team moved to another area

I swear YN you have to pee at the worst times

Anyways, you wander out and sigh to yourself noticing no red and white jerseys in sight

"Not again" you moan as you take your phone out to call Kenma

Literally you think they would have a rope for you to hold onto at this point

Suddenly a loud "HEY HEY HEY" radiates from next to you

A horned owl 🦉looks at you as you smile sweetly and giggle at his boisterous attitude

Behind the loud owl is Akaashi

Obviously babysitting said previous owl

Akaashi notices lack of your bodyguards team

"YN are you lost??"

Now anyone with 2 eyes knew that a certain loud, obnoxious but sweet owl had a little crush on you 👀

Within a second, Bokuto us running 🏃‍♂️ to your side and grabbing your hand, pulling you along

Now back with your team

Kai, of course, notices instantly you are missing

Not again 🤦‍♀️

Yamamoto took off 🏃‍♂️

Kuroo following behind him, scanning the area

Kenma shugging and rolling is eyes

Yaku smacking Lev because he was sure this was somehow his fault 🙄

The whole time your team is frantically searching for you, you are being yanked by a giant black and grey owl bby

Akaashi is, of course, close behind you

Because he doesn't entirely trust Bokuto to not lose the both of you 🤦‍♀️

Hard facts, you probably aren't any less lost with Bokuto

Kuroo is the first one to spot you

His eyes snap to Bokuto's grip on your hand

"BOKUTO" he shouted

Yamamoto snaps and takes 2 long strides to Bokuto

Mans literally teleported to you 🤚🏻

Now it's Kuroo times to snatch you from Bokuto

"Kuroo" you snap at him as Bokuto looks like he saw his life flash before his eyes

Yamamoto is growling

Kenma and Kai finally pull up

You are rolling your eyes for what feels like the 100th time

"Not this again"

You snake your way from behind the two trees again 🙃

"Bo thank you sweetheart but I'm ok now"

Kuroo is FUMING

Yamamoto eyes burning holes in Bokuto's head

Bokuto 👉🏻 in love

Akaashi 👉🏻 happy to know emo mode won't be a problem at least for the first match 😏

You walk away with Kai and Kenma as you leave the two idiots felines to watch as Bokuto and Akaashi exit

You walk into the huge gym

Yaku is still laying into Lev

Inouka, Shibayama, Fukunaga all wave happily as you

Yaku is now running to you

"I think we need to get you a backpack harness"

You laugh out loud

Everyone 👉🏻 swooning 😍

As the first match begins, you give your bby kittens a little pep talk ending in...

"I belive in you"

Jesus YN

Coach Nekomata is pleased

The match was won even before it began

The boys 👉🏻 dominate 😤

You are the first one to run to them

The still fight over who gets to hug you first 🙄

You make them all line up like preschoolers

Give them each a hug and kiss on the cheek

Ok YN chill 🤚🏻

You want Nationals to be over before it even begins?

After the match, you head back with the boys to the hotel

You make sure they all eat a good meal

Even if it means spoon feeding Kenma

Kuroo watches you are you tend to his team mates

His smile radiates

"We have the beat manager ever"

Taglist: @axoxtxhxh

#nekoma manager #nekoma headcanons #nekoma cats #nekoma #kuroo tetsurō #kenma kuzome #kai nobuyuki #yaku morisuke #yamamoto taketora #haikyuu headcanons #haikyu!!#haikyuu #haikyu headcanons #haikyuu managers #haikyuu x reader #nekoma x reader #haikyu! x reader #haikyu x reader #being nekomas manager pt 2

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emsartwork · 4 years

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this might be kind of a long ask I'm sorry! (I really love your work btw) but you know how you did the personality run down for the winx girls as well as their negative traits, I was wondering if you could do that for the specialists? (I really love your versions of them — their personalities are so nonexistent in canon)

Sure! I love giving the boys more personality lol i kind of ended up talking about their mental state as opposed to their flaws but like. ur flaws are reflective of ur mental state so. idk.

long post sry

SKY: Sky didn’t have a good sense of how the world works before going to Red Fountain (to be fair he was aware of this which is partly why he wanted to go in the first place). His childhood was strict but coddling, he wasn’t allowed to make his own choices but he had everything he could ever need provided for him. So adjusting to real life that first year in school was ROUGH. He had his ass handed to him several times for being a royal prick and couldn’t even really do anything about it because of the identity swap. Fortunately, this did nip the worst of his ego in the bud. He has a tendency to exert his control over others as a way to sooth his own anxiety/bitterness about being controlled himself. He did this especially with Bloom in the beginning of their relationship, but got a talking to from both Stella and Brandon and knocked that shit off (with the help of therapy) This issue came up again after the season 3 disaster with Diaspro and he spends a lot of secret of the lost kingdom and magical adventure working through that before season 4 puts them on earth.

BRANDON: tbh Brandon is one of the most well adjusted characters here. He has a good relationship with his parents and a strong sense of self. It helped that he had the freedom to pursue his own interests in a safe and stable environment and that his parents feel strongly about mental health issues, having first hand experience dealing with trauma in themselves and others. Brandon is the mom friend and sometimes takes on too much responsibility for his friends’ emotional states and becomes preoccupied with fixing their problems for them. In the process of officially becoming Sky’s guard/companion in his late teens he was forced to learn to set boundaries a little better. Brandon is literally always trying to get the other guys to take advantage of the fact that Red Fountain has an on campus counseling office but they’re like “nooooooo my unheathy coping mechanisms are fine” meanwhile after every winx mission Brandon roller blades into the office with an ice coffee like “what is UP I have new trauma”

TIMMY: so Timmy was raised on an asteroid colony, and had a fairly unstable childhood just because of that environment, his mom loves and provides for him as much as humanly possible so his emotional attachments are pretty secure, but he does have issues with permanence. if something is lasting a long time (whether good or bad) he starts to get antsy and suspicious, and sometimes ends up self sabotaging by poking at the thing when he should just leave it alone. He also has some hoarding tendencies due to his childhood. Timmy also hates feeling like a burden, and doesn’t take advantage of some of the opportunities ( at Red Fountain because he feels like he doesn’t deserve them.

HELIA: helia baby stop repressing your emotions and desires to fit into other people’s definition of success its not good for u. So Helia is a quiet person by nature, but also struggles with dissociating in order to avoid anything unpleasant or difficult. This is mostly seen by pursuing both magic and warrior training for his dads’ sake, even though all he wants to do is paint shit and write poetry. His dads would ultimately be supportive but Helia is terrified of failure lmao, and lacks the confidence to actually express his needs but also can’t pursue what he really wants because WHAT IF IT DOESN’T WORK OUT. he will also use the silent treatment/cold shoulder as a way to hurt people if he’s mad at them.

NABU: ok like on the surface Nabu is doing pretty well. He’s got his shit together. He knows exactly what to say and how to say it. But the boy is also a mess. He does repair some of his relationship with his parents after he and Aisha officially get together, but is still super angry at them for treating him like an achievement/trophy and then essentially tossing him away when he became inconvenient. Nabu also has a tendency to be secretive and a little manipulative, secretive because it was a way to get back at his parents as a child and manipulative because he was raised to basically be a politician and doesn’t like conflict so he’ll just mess with situations and people until it’s what he wants. These aren’t big problems while he’s doing his own solo thing but Aisha is not down with this and is basically like “take steps to fix it or leave” and joining as an unofficial member of the specialist’s rescue team forces him to do some self evaluation and improvement.

NEX: Nex is another one with good parental relationships, his issues primarily stem from his competitiveness and impulsiveness. He also holds grudges pretty badly, Thoren is helping him to work through stuff like that internally instead of taking it out on the target. His impulsiveness has gotten him into A LOT of trouble, he basically has no filter which can be fine but also he needs to shut tf and read the room sometimes. He really wants to do a good job as a paladin but does worry he’s not gonna succeed (mostly because he’s comparing himself to Thoren which really isn’t fair lol). He and Aisha are both impulsive, and try really hard to keep each other in check(as a mutual thing) but sometimes they just end up bouncing off each other until its complete chaos. (ok my version of Nex is basically just a himbo i honestly don’t know how this happened help)

RIVEN: yikes, ok riven has issues. At his core, Riven is terrified of abandonment, and deals with this by keeping everyone around him at arms(or farther) length so they CAN’T abandon him. This can include, ignoring, insulting, avoiding, and flat out rejecting any offer of friendship or affection. He’s also fairly defensive, and is constantly trying to “prove himself”, which great, push yourself and improve, but also you have an ideal you can never actually live up to which just leaves you feeling shittier than before so stop that. Riven also has... some ptsd? trauma. And has some trigger phrases based on the spells Darcy used to control him. In season 1 Brandon had almost convinced him to go to therapy just for his attitude and to mesh with the team better, but the whole thing with Darcy happened and he shut himself off to any perceived outside threats until around the beginning of season 3 when he started attending sessions with the Red Fountain counselor.

#winxems #winx #anonymous #winx specialists #specialists #winx sky #winx brandon #winx timmy #winx nabu #winx helia #winx nex #winx riven #winx thoren #kinda #character development #i need to make the red fountain therapist now lmao they gotta deal with so much shit but at least they aint the ALFEA therapist asdfghjklohq #askems

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suffering-and-happy-about-it · 5 years

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Living with the Original Drake™ might include (Part 3)

A/N: So we're getting hot in here, aaaaw. So enjoy, I had a whole fun writing these. Jesus, I'm a little shit. Just like Sam is. 😏 Ok, so he's a little shit in this. Like a real one. Maybe I'll make him keen on daddy kink? Like I tried before? Fuck me, man, just fuck me. Should I just make a story out of this? Yeah, maybe, but not really.

@missdictatorme maybe this will make your day even better?

So both of you went to that concert. You put on some comfy and decent clothes, black of course, and that old lady hunter put on his leather jacket.

That whole evening felt so good and yet so strange.

For God's sake, you saw that guy naked. You could laugh your ass off when you took him to bed when he totally stoned himself in your living room (every single piece of his clothes he washed earlier that day just smelled like a coffee shop from Holland later) and you saw him crying when you watched Harry Potter together.

And there you were, hanging out on a college student concert, practically for the first time that you lived together. After a year of living together actually.

You still thought he should rather make some of his ladies to come.

"That's total bullshit. Are you even listening to yourself, darling?"

"This is nice and all, but it's just... I dunno."

"You'll have a beer or three and we'll see what you'll be saying then."

"You better shut up and continue dreaming, Drake. I'll not get drunk."

Yeah, you did. You got pretty drunk in a half of hour. Sam was paying, of course, you went on and on.

Sometimes, you both even stood up and danced, singing into those tunes they played and you really started to enjoy that evening.

Then, a strange thing occurred.

Some two young punks on the bar really laid into you while some other students convinced Sam to play on a guitar for them. (Laid, like they wanted to lay down with you... You with me?)

That little shit sat there in his leather jacket with a cigarette in his mouth and pretty messy hair, playing some of his favorite Lana Del Rey songs. Of course, he chose You can be the boss as the last song. Like he changed the lyrics to You can be the boss, baby and not daddy, he isn't gay, right? And he sang the whole song as if he sang it for a female.

And you were still so blind to hear that subtle message he sent you in front of literally EVERYONE who was listening. You are so oblivious sometimes, my little friend.

But it hurt his goddamn ego when you didn't even look his direction and that you rather give your looks to some two young punks.

He's a bit egocentric person sometimes, ok? (Ehm, maybe all the times when it comes to that)

Like about things or people he wants. To be his closest obviously, gee what nasty shit are you thinking about?

So the original Drake™ went on to check the situation by himself.

And oh boy, he didn't like that scene. They were too loose, too free and too close to you. And the words falling out of their filthy mouths? That should be a sin, talking with his roommate like that.

“Any problem here lads?”

“Boys, this is my roommate I told you about, Samuel. Sammy, this is...”

“Well, I don't fucking care about who they are, we're going home, Y/N.”

“Why? I'm having fun, just like you said. What's your deal?”

And those little punks just couldn't stay quiet, could they? There was a fight in the air. Coming with the speed of a fucking train, and you knew that it would totally wreck you. There was a thin line between Sam the Funny and cool dude™ and Sam the Guy that will fuck you up, when you don't back up, lads™; and you saw it for like... First time ever?

You saw his eyes run over you and them. His jaw was clenching so much it wasn't possible.

“You, little miss, are walking some really thin ice here. Don't you make me use some brutal methods.”

“Sounds fun, Samuel.”

“Like bending you over my knee, Y/N? Should I pull off those tight pants of yours, then panties and make you to actually beg me for taking you home? Here, right now and in front of everyone?”

He stood like ten inches from you, with his index warningly uprightly shoved in front of your face.

If he wasn't using the advantage of you being drunk for the first time, he used it that time for sure.

That fucking bastard just said a thing like this in that pub full of living, breathing creatures who were horny like rabbits in March to you? His roommate and lady-without-a-weenie buddy?

He must be joking, right? RIGHT?

You high-key started to panic, looking like a fucking strawberry right there. An oh boy, was it wrong to imagine his huge palms smoothing your skin like a treasure before he slaps it hard?

But he frowned more. Those punks were just looking at him, thinking that that man is just arousing you and tried to avenge you.

“No, boys. Let it be. It's ok.”

“It better be, princess. Now, be so kind and move your hips toward the exit? You had enough.”

No, you could drink more than that and that twat knew it from the nights you two drunk away by the others side. But the idea of you leaving with them was just too much for his poor ego, ok?

Like what reason you had to leave with some random lads when you could leave alongside a true man you knew?

Were you even reasonably thinking at that point?

“You're acting like a fucking jackass, Samuel. Stop it. Now.”

“My patience just run off. Put that glass down, Y/N.”

“Samuel, what do you...”

“Have it your way, I don't care.”

And that asshat just swung you on his shoulder like if he does random basis. Of course, you screamed all over that place, saying curse after curse on his name. And of course, that glass broke.

You almost pulled off some another Titanic quote, miss. I have to drink with you one day, that is a promise, you one naughty young lady? (Just some flirting to make your day better. Moving on!)

And he carried you like a friggin’ bag of flour all the way to your flat.

You, like a decent lady you are, just had to talk back.

“That was so rude you nitwit! Put me down, for fuck’s sake!”

“You have to say one magic word and ill let you down. Is that a deal?”

“Fuck you, Samuel!”

“Not the right word, love. Try again.”

That asshat laughed. With you, on his shoulder, like you didn't even are there. And more on that topic - he slapped your bum. Not in a gentle way though.

And you were up for it, just not at that moment on the street full of people.

“You can kiss my ass with that attitude, Samuel Drake!”

“Is that an insult, a threat or a promise, darling?”

“What's gotten into you, man? You could bring any bitch you wanted to fuck this night and she would scream your name all over my flat again!”

“What screaming are you talking about?”

And Jesus, he seriously knew what the fuck you were talking about. He was just playing dumb - and you were too drunk to notice, you poor soul.

So you actually showed him what you're talking about and moaned his name in a rather erotic tone if I can tell you, my friend.

Like the whole street turned on you with an expression saying “What the actual fuck are you doing?”.

“Ooooh, I would love to hear it again.”

“Yeah, carry on dreaming Drake. Not gonna happen.”

“Well see that in our flat in about ten minutes, Y/L/N.”

“Is that a threat or a promise, Samuel?”

You could go crazy from what this situation left on you. Those marks were all along here to touch. I mean like in your pants to touch.

“Definitely a promise, princess. A promise I will keep for sure.”

Well, you two got home and guess what happened?

Of Samuel thought of doing anything naughty with you that night, he was fucked right in the ass.

In about five minutes you just lied down on a couch... Closed your eyes and voila - you snored as a lumberman through the whole flat.

And he hadn't the heart to wake you up, so he just carried you into bed. Such a lovely lad he is, that Samuel.

And in the morning you could recall the pieces of that concert - but the most important thing, at least in his eyes, was lost.

You couldn't figure out a simple sentence of what he told you yesterday and you couldn't even figure out what you answered him.

And Samuel, again, could tease the shit of you with some hints about what you told him.

And he hoped you can connect two dots fast enough before he finds himself fucking the life out of your body on the kitchen table. Because as he told you - he planned to keep that promise he gave you.

He actually planned it for some weeks, not planned, but he thought about becoming... Closer to you.

And had no idea that you're just prey laying its hunter on the chest. But oh boy, there was some shit about to happen and it was just a matter of time.

#Samuel Drake #samuel #samuel drake headcanons #samuel drake x reader #uncharted #uncharted fanfiction #Uncharted 4 #naughty dog

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