#NOT UNTIL WE REACH CRITICAL MASS AND HAVE AN ABSOLUTE BREAKDOWN

[clotpolesonly]

Call Down The Hawk ch 64 // Mister Impossible ch 29

#declanedit #trcedit #tdtedit #Declan Lynch #TRC #TDT #quote posts #NO CRYING FOR DECLAN LYNCH THAT IS NOT ALLOWED #WE REPRESS OUR FEELINGS IN THIS HOUSE OKAY #FUCK FEELINGS FUCK VULNERABILITY FUCK ADMITTING THAT ANYTHING GETS TO US #NOT TODAY SATAN #NOT UNTIL WE REACH CRITICAL MASS AND HAVE AN ABSOLUTE BREAKDOWN #LIKE GOD INTENDED

[thesickpanda]

Where is My Mind?

Stress can make you feel like you're going crazy.

I cannot emphasize this enough. Long-term, persistent and intense stress well above your baseline levels can make you feel like you're losing your mind.

Life is stressful and when I think back to when the intense periods of stress started in mine it gets a bit ridiculous because I grew up in a domestically violent household with severely mentally ill parents in a country on the brink of civil war with one of the highest crime rates in the world. So I have been kinda stressed for a very long time. However, in more recent months, the level of acute stress I've been experiencing has made me feel disconnected from reality. I've experienced derealisation a number of times due to Lyrica withdrawal and accidental cannabis highs. But this one is different. The depersonalisation I’ve been experiencing is from pure, unrelenting stress. I really did question my sanity more than once.

 In July, I saw my psychologist to describe this feeling to her. She very helpfully drew a diagram which explained the neuroscience of why we feel this way when we've experienced high levels of stress for a long time. It was really helpful to see that because it reassured me that what I was feeling was, as much as this can be said, "normal", given the amount of strain I was under. But the stress hasn’t let up since then and I have been well above my baseline for much too long.

 Long story short, I haven't really recovered since my family visited me last year. 2018 was a year from hell. 2019 hasn’t been much better but for different reasons. Basically, the hardships I’ve endured being the leader of a non-profit all these years reached critical mass and finally, at long last, broke me. After 8 years of pouring all my heart, soul and every last spoon I had into it, I quit last month…and to very little fanfare at that. 3 people turned up for our final meeting, and only because we needed to hand them the organization’s physical assets. We had a little unplanned dinner out and that was that.

I'm grateful to the handful of people who have reassured me they will continue its legacy beyond my departure, genuinely I am, but overall I think I stayed in that position at least a year longer than I should have. I feel incredibly jaded and cynical about the whole thing.

 And I’m sorry if this offends anyone, but screw Sydney’s activists. The vast majority of them can barely call themselves that. I have never been in such an apathetic, vain, self-centered and lazy city when it comes to political activism. This migrant has had enough of trying to get Australians to care about their own issues. (And yeah, the people I handed the non-profit over to? Also migrants).

It is telling that the final meeting was also the night before we moved house (because we always had to wrap our own lives around the goings on of that organisation, not the other way around, which is another major reason we quit). So after an hour and a half’s drive into the city, we had to get home late to get up early the next day to start that fun process.

 But I am getting ahead of myself. Before we ever got to moving day, we first had to find a house. If you haven’t done it before, let me tell you, the process of house hunting on a tight budget in a hostile market is disgustingly stressful.

We were looking from June. The property market in Sydney is unbelievably expensive and even though it experienced a so-called "correction" for a year, (meaning that house prices stabilized instead of continuing to rise), that ended just as we entered into the property hunt. I am extremely grateful that we got the house we did at the price we did, but my God, getting to that point nearly killed me. I keep explaining to people that it felt as if my partner and I ran full blast over broken glass to the edge of a dock, leapt several metres and grabbed onto the barnacles of a departing ship by our fingernails. I really do think we may have been among the last millennials that got on that “property” ship, and it was only because, at long last, we had help from my partner's extremely wealthy parents. After shaming us for a decade for not being able to afford impossible house prices (“ok boomer…”), he finally relented and helped us out. Again, I'm grateful, but also disgusted that this is the world we live in. Housing should be a human right and we shouldn't have this intergenerational greed and infighting over something so basic. Forgive my inner socialist. 

Finding the house was only the first part of the equation; moving into it was the next step.

 The moving process was incredibly arduous. At the time we should have been packing up the house, my partner's work decided to send him interstate for business on multiple occasions. By the time moving day came round, we were not ready and we couldn't afford to pay removalists. We enlisted the help of two amazing friends and Joe's brother-in-law. Again, super grateful that I had their help, but my God, was it intense. It took the better part of four days to move everything. We had to pay off the mortgage and the rent for the previous place for a two-week period, putting considerable strain on our savings. At the same time, we needed to get some work done in the new house so that was being done while we were trying to sort out the old house. The rental laws in this country are a joke and are widely considered to be abusive to renters, including by many of my American friends who now live here. I doubt we will ever see our bond returned, even though we were treated like crap living there for three years in a house that was not sealed, had no insulation or air conditioning, leaked and was draughty, didn't have proper doors et cetera et cetera. I mean, we had maggots falling from the ceiling… twice. The place was rotting and rotten but because my partner couldn't completely colour match the paint when he tried to cover up what was absolutely reasonable wear and tear on one of the walls, I'm sure we will lose all that. As usual, the landlord will claim it costs our entire $1800 bond to get a $50 an hour painter in to patch up one wall.  They always do this. In your contract it says reasonable wear and tear are a few knocks and dings on the wall and that the tenant is not expected to pay for that. In reality, in every rental we have ever lived in,  the landlord has refused to refund the bond when there’s been even the slightest bit of damage, even if we had a record of being model tenants. It was almost comical how hard my partner was trying in the middle of the move to cover up a few scrapes on the walls from moving furniture in and out. It all came to nothing because for love nor money he couldn't find the correct match of paint. And then of course he had to mow the entire grounds of the last rental when he really wanted to be using his weekends to sort out and unpack the new house. Good God, it was awful.

 My partner and I barely spent any quality time together during this period and he was extremely stressed out and distant from me. I totally understand why but the whole thing flared every single one of my conditions and I needed him as my carer. But he couldn’t really do that, as he was trying to do literally everything else. Moving house is hard on a healthy body, never mind one with two chronic pain disorders, irritable bowel and generalised anxiety disorder. And then (because of course), a family member of mine (one of the abusers) picked that moment in time to start harassing me, thereby triggering my PTSD which led to a nervous breakdown which led to intense depersonalisation, insomnia and nausea. Everyone and everything seemed unfamiliar to me, even my partner. I started to doubt whether or not I loved myself or anyone else anymore. I just felt so completely and utterly disconnected from the world. I began to lie awake at night terrified that I was fading away, that I could no longer feel anything other than fear. All the time, people kept saying, “congratulations on the new house! You must be so excited!” But all I could feel was sickness and dread.

 Two weeks after moving in, I had to drop my Lyrica one more time. This drop has been very difficult. All of the stress has led to some dark thoughts in the back of my mind which of course Lyrica then co-opts and exaggerates. I have had a more than a few moments of suicidal ideation. Everything in my life on paper has improved. We are now homeowners, we live in a beautiful part of the world, we've made some new friends lately, things are settling down et cetera et cetera. But I feel like I'm in shell shock after this year and last year. I haven't even had time to process that I am no longer the president of the not-for-profit I founded and formulated an identity around. I just haven't had the time to process literally anything. I've been more exhausted that I have ever felt. Oh, I'm sure everyone will say, “this too shall pass”. But I do not believe that bullshit. Yes, this individual stressor will pass but more horror will come and I know that makes me sound super negative but I just cannot remember a period of time when things were calm for… I can't remember. I just feel like I've been in a hurricane forever.

 So yeah, I'm writing this post while experiencing Lyrica withdrawal which makes me depressed and anxious. It's probably colouring my vision on everything. Fine. But I have been going through Lyrica withdrawal for two years, so it’s kinda become my normal. My final drop is on 26 December after which I will experience two more months of withdrawal and hopefully, after that, some semblance of sanity again. In the midst of all this I have to study for my citizenship test which is at the end of this month. I don't get any government support for my disability until I have been a citizen of this country for eight years, and as I’d like to survive my 40s, I need to get citizenship now. But yeah… studying an eighty-page textbook with an addled brain is just so much fun.

 Of course, during this time we haven’t have Internet because we had to disconnect the old place and it takes an age for it to get reconnected at the new place. We only recently acquired it at the new house. So there are piles of emails waiting for me. Many of them are from friends and I'm glad for that. But there is also a lot of life admin I now need to do. I have to change my address on every account I hold, which is really tedious. We have also had to organise time with family. Because my partner's family helped us get this house, we feel especially obliged to go to every single one of the family events, of which there are many. He comes from a big Catholic family so every relative who comes to visit, every party that's being held, every birthday, wedding, funeral and religious holiday, we’re now expect to attend. We have several in the next few weekends, taking up most of the time we *needed* to be unpacking the house. We’re obligated now.

 In all this negativity, though, I want to say that I am genuinely grateful to be one of the lucky ones to have a house. I know it sounds like I am whining about a good thing. It's not that I'm not glad for this (I know how ridiculously privileged we are). I just haven't been able to really feel it yet. I think that regardless of what happened this year, I’d be feeling this way. Something broke in me last year and just hasn't really come back. I feel shattered.

 And all my chronic pain conditions have been wearing me down too. I found out this year that the operation that cost me and my friends so much money (to remove that nerve in my foot) had failed. Or rather, the surgeon had completely botched it up. I have PTSD from that surgery. Just the thought of going back to have it done again fills me with heart racing terror and cold sweats. I’ve had numerous surgeries before that one and been fine, but the reaction I had from the anesthetic last time was so severe, and the recovery so long, that I genuinely fear it more than almost anything else. And yet I need to go in for that nightmare all over again in 2020. I'm going to be asked to trust a different surgeon to do the same so-called “simple operation” to restore some functionality to my left foot. My right knee is probably also going to need surgery since it has been resistant to any physiotherapy rehabilitation. And on top of all this, my poor partner's health has also taken a hit this year from the stress which is worrying me. Because I can always do with some more worry…

 But hey! This too shall pass! You should be happy! Life is great now! Yay yay yay!

Fuck, sometimes it just want to be allowed to feel shit and to have other people say “okay you can feel shit now. Yes, some good things have happened but right now you need to process the bad and that's okay too”. My lord, if people could just do that for me. If they could just let me feel what the fuck I need to feel.

 What I feel is exhausted, scared, freaked out, traumatized, weird, sick, angry, overwhelmed and fed up. And I need to feel those things before I can feel anything else.

#rant #Fibromylagia #chronic illness #chronic pain #chronic stress #stress #overwhelmed #personal catharsis

[insanityembraced]

Abnormal, Different, and Sometimes Extraordinary But Not Defective or Degenerate

I suffer from borderline personality disorder. It drastically influences my thoughts, actions, and understanding of the world around me. My perception, is and will always be altered by my, some say warped, I say realistic and unnaturally insightful, evaluation of emotional energy.

My personality disorder, label, or peculiarity, to me is a gift and makes me exceptional, not broken or in some way dangerous to leave unsupervised amongst non-afflicted personalities that perceive the world in a bland, underwhelming, and arguably are disordered, because they have lost or failed to attain enough focus or mental dexterity. In fact, the more we allow rigidity to limit man kinds ability to feel, sense, and accurately understand the emotional forces that bond us to each other and create the vivid colors of passion, creativity, and intensity only strong emotional tethers can sustain.

Sometimes my intensity and extrasensory ability is overwhelming and manifests in ways society labels as disordered, but in reality it is extraordinary and has mostly served to save rather than hinder my ability to navigate life. However, not every cloud is bright and humanity will always struggle with self control when faced with uncertainty and inesacapable animalistic urges that test our ability to get perspective in a world that never stops changing and evolving.

The following are some things that give insight into the extraordinary or even completely debilitating effects of my borderline personal perception of a world others see differently than I am capable of understanding:

I am insanely fickle. I can change my mind over and over and often times drastically reimagine my understanding of people and how we have shaped this globe or domed furmament into a prison with imaginary boundries created by hate and fear continuously infused into every fiber of human understanding.

As humanity becomes more and more oblivious to pure unadulterated empathy our sense of self blurs and society begins to eliminate diversity by allowing humanity to be silenced by fear built atop a drift of sand in the desert. However, even after the mirage has been unveiled as an invasive and aggressive sickness that has spread over the world consuming the rage and ignorance created by destroying pure empathy and viciously ripping humanity apart.

The more I explore the reaches of human understanding the less I believe we are even capable of understanding anything with certainty. Those who have attained great knowledge should have also gained an openness to the existence of many different kinds of intellectual perception that transcends traditional understanding of fact, fiction, or hypothetical scientific "certainty". Now I am convinced that the only thing I know with absolute certainty is that knowledge is currently to vast to contain within the limitations of our perception.

One thing that plagues those allegedly inflicted with a sickness so pervasive it has apparently permanently corrupted our souls and left us with scarred and impossibly broken personalities that now defines us entirely. Civilized, brainwashed, and fluoridated masses, given an instinctual fear of people labeled as mentally I'll. This instinct is based on a indistinct and uneducated manipulation of the different types of intellectual dexterity that can bless, awaken, and be a source of harmonious unification; instead the talents that I possess give me a different perspective on nearly everything. Different does not mean wrong. Failure of other humans to understand me or grasp the fiber of what makes me decipher the world in a different fashion that transcends even our sense of culture or language to create a group of individuals who consistently perceive stimuli from feeling, emotion, electrical charge of ions affected by forces not understood by those who close their mind to bothering with the difficult task of trying to think with other parts of your brain, even if it is unnatural or difficult.

I believe all intellectual or sensory talents are of value and should be developed in different environments that foster the use and improvement of our naturally occurring talents in says that create harmony and richer depth of understanding once we have opened our minds to different sensory observations that do not prove I am insane. All your label has done is help me to understand myself in a deep and intensely critical fashion that has helped me truthfully identify things I need to work on controlling and I also have had the opportunity to evaluate my triggers, identify signs of irrational or destructive thinking. This has allowed me to develop and institute coping mechanism and other internal and external tools to keep myself from allowing myself to overload my sensory system, not because I am permanently and invasively altered by psychic dysfunction that renders me a rambling, irrational nutcase unworthy of being trusted, believed, and people labeled borderline or who are labelled as having a personality disorder are just blessed with different sensory sensitivity that does create distinct differences in observation and unless there is effort exerted to understand and effectivy communicate with individuals who have a spacial or coordinated dexterity that can traslate into movement fluidity or accuracy that I am not natuRally blessed with and need help understanding and fostering such talent since I have an actual natural tendency to manage to fall inexplicably without warning or even applicston of outside force, but simply an internal lack of balance and a long term battle with my ability to see and thus manage my four dimensional space with grace.

All of this introspective personal reflection and growth should be a part of every human being on earth. Then those who suffer from similar difficulty in adjusting to certain triggers do not need to be defined by their diagnosis. The diagnosis is just how we find people who understand why my perception is differently aligned. We do not have to be feared, send to bedlam because of fear, or an irrational fear I will suddenly and violently embody my Hollywood stereotype and fatal ataction someone because I have been labeled and my internal bomb has been officially triggered.

Of coarse that is ridiculous and even people with the same disorder or same perspective still live life with shifting social, financial, qwwd many times has lead even similar differently abled souls to different ways to use our gifts to hopefully work towards harmony and unxersdnsign. 0⁰

t at your own understanding of the things you percieve. f we could acceptinstead of trying to force humanity into a mold f different talents and maybe even extraordinary abilities understanding with our surroundings. efear fear my extra personality have particularl feared the intense s have a history of failing to comply with medications and I am not good at consistently maintaining routine of anykind. I can only maintain a routine for days, occasionally weeks, and rarely have I ever maintained a consistent routine for more than six months.

I am capable of liking or becoming interested or disinterested in anything without warning. I consume myself with a fiery intensity for things that I will let consume me until I burn out. I have completely abandoned interests, hobbies, people, or career paths in a moment. The thing that I wanted to do every minute for the last 6 months, like when I fell in love with painting, instantly and without warning become unfulfilling, tedious, and inferior to a new and exciting passion to focus my obsessions on. I feel so intensely that I cannot enjoy or contain my energy in any repetitive or monotonous activity.

I unintentionally attract emotional disfunction; I have an uncontrollable urge to save certain dysfunctional or misunderstood humans; I become particularly enraged by the self designated elite, and often intellectually inferior humans, that intentionally exploit the weak, poor, uneducated, or disenfranchised; I cannot always protect myself from the emotions of others, human emotion produced by strangers can be so powerful I have literally fallen to my knees, began crying uncontrollably, or even been unable to breath based on proximity alone; pure emotion can be released from the body like a shockwave, but only if the emotion is genuinely produced; I cannot always distinguish liars, but I can always spot people who really are devoid of any kind if emotional depth, and they are the truly dangerous, because they dont care, feel, or empathize with humanity at all; I am intensely impulsive, particularly when I am having difficulty understanding and communicating with others; I am bad at maintaining relationships because of paranoia, constant fear of abandonment, and an inability to truly understand individuals; I only understand emotions and emotional energy, but fail miserably at understanding or anticipating actions driven by selfishness or purity of evil intent; I am unpredictable, even I cannot understand or predict all my begavior; once I cross the line into a psychotic episode, I lose all control, awareness, or ability to understand reality; I will black out entirely, and have absolutely no memory for hours or even days; when I gain control of my sanity the blackout lifts slowly like a thick fog; the lingering fog of psychosis is like a mental sedative that makes even simple tasks impossible, like remembering your name, or knowing if you are awake or asleep, or being able to understand basic human conversation; overwhelmingly emotional, and I have occasional breakdowns peppered with forced hospitalizations. Mental hospitals, particularly those that restrain the liberty of people who aren't capable of faking the numbness society expects of us all; are ineffectual, uninspired, and often the patients are treated without feeling, dignity, compassion, interest, competence, respect, understanding, and often staff not only refuses to listen, observe, or address any of the specific problems facing an individual. Instead the psychiatrists often do not even pretend to do their job and blindly medicate those they do not understand until they become someone else's problem.

[threewaysdivided]

Quality Should Not Be Binary

In my wanders through life in general - and the internet in particular - I’ve noticed a strange mindset regarding the quality of media and the people who produce it.  It’s this weird idea that something is either 100% perfect, flawless and ‘how dare you claim to be a real fan while suggesting there’s anything wrong’, or that it’s completely awful, valueless and ‘you’re a terrible person for enjoying that or thinking it has anything to offer’ - sometimes flipping from one to the other as soon as a ‘flaw’ is revealed, or a ‘bad’ work does something suitably impressive.

This mindset has never really made sense to me.  Maybe I’m a just habitual over-thinker who spends unhealthy amounts of time analysing things, but I can’t see how this sort of absolutist approach would do anything other than shut down discourse, limit the value to be had from a piece and maybe make people angry.

So in honour of that please enjoy some indulgently long navel-gazing about critical analysis and media quality.

Disclaimer: This post is going to summarise my personal philosophy. Everyone approaches life - and especially art - in their own way and far be it for me to say you’re wrong if you prefer a different approach.  You do you.

Blindness Hurts Both Ways

To an extent I get the simple yes/no mindset.  Analysis takes time and it would be exhausting to give an extensive, nuanced breakdown on your view at the start of every discussion.  Plus the whole ‘dissecting the frog’ thing can definitely apply to enjoyment of media.

However, taking it to the point where you’re denying the positive side of things you dislike or refusing to acknowledge faults in works/people you enjoy has the potential to swing around and bite you in the butt.

Why deny yourself a useful experience? I think there’s an important distinction to make between being good and being useful. Subjective, technical or, ethical ‘badness’ is not the same as having no value. Similarly, being touching, entertaining or otherwise enjoyable doesn’t preclude something from having genuine problems.

Personally, I can find it difficult to work out exactly what’s going right in a generally positive piece.  After all, ‘good’ doesn’t hinge on a single point - it’s usually the product of a lot of things working well together, and it can be hard to figure out cause and effect in a system like that. It’s much easier to look at a failed attempt and identify the specific elements that caused problems, where it had the potential to recover, and places where it might be succeeding in spite of those issues. Similarly, some works can be very strong except when it comes to ‘that one thing’, which in itself is a useful reference.  Negative examples can be just as beneficial as positive ones, and turning a blind eye to a piece’s weaker aspects just denies you that tool.

On the other hand, sometimes a piece and/or creator can be ethically awful while being technically strong or succeeding at its intended purpose. In this case, while they’re not positive it can certainly be valuable to analyse the techniques they use, and even apply those tools when selecting and creating things for yourself.

It’s important to remember that acknowledging where something is strong isn’t the same as endorsing or supporting it, and that there’s a huge difference between pointing out a genuine weakness or failing and maliciously hating on a work or creator.

Why give something that much power? Starting with the gentler side, I think it’s important to remember that a work being ‘good’ on the whole shouldn’t be an excuse to gloss over possibly troubling elements or to give creators a free pass on their actions.  Sure, even the best-intentioned artists make bad PR and creative decisions sometimes but it’s also valid to acknowledge and call out possible misbehaviour when it crops up, rather than blindly playing defence until it reaches critical mass and undermines the good of their work (or worse, actually hurts someone).

There can also be a danger to simply writing off and ignoring ‘bad works’, especially if you dislike them based on ethical grounds.  If something ‘bad’ is becoming popular it’s usually a sign that it’s getting at least one thing right - whether that be plugging into an oft-ignored hot-button issue, or simple shock-value and shameless marketing.  Attributing the success of such pieces to blind luck and ignoring any potential merits that got them there opens up the potential for other, similarly objectionable works to replicate that outcome.

Not to mention the issues that can come from letting these things spread unchecked.  Think about how many crackpot theories and extreme notions have managed to gained traction, in part due to a lack of resistance from more moderate or neutral parties who at the time dismissed them as ‘too stupid’ or ‘too crazy to be real’.  Unpleasant as it may be, I think there’s some value in dipping into the discourse around generally negative media.  If nothing else, shining a spotlight on the misinformation or insidious subtext that a work might be propagating can help genuine supporters notice, sidestep or otherwise avoid the potential harms even as they keep enjoying it.

Why lock yourself into a stance like that? Maybe it’s just my desire to keep options open, but it seems like avoiding absolutist stances gives you a lot more room to move.  Publicly championing or decrying a work and flatly rejecting any counterpoints runs the risk of trapping yourself in a corner that might be hard to escape from if your stance happens to change later.  If nothing else, a bit of flexibility can help you back down without too much egg on your face, not to mention shrinking the target area for fans or dissenters who you might have clashed with in the past.

A little give and take can also help build stronger cases when you do want to speak out.  Sometimes it’s better to just acknowledge the counterpoints you agree with and move on to the meat of the debate rather than wasting time tearing down their good points for the sake of ‘winning’.  The ability to concede an argument is a powerful tool - you’d be surprised how agreeable people become when they feel like they’re being listened to.  

Finally, from an enjoyment perspective, is it really worth avoiding or boycotting what could otherwise be a fun or thought-provoking experience just because you don’t 100% agree with it or have criticised it in the past? Sure, there are absolutely times when a boycott is justified but why deny yourself a good time just because it involves an element that’s been arbitrarily labelled ruinous.  ‘With Caveats’ is a perfectly acceptable way to approach things.

Existence vs Presentation of Concepts

A rarer argument that occasionally pops up is the idea that certain works are inherently ‘inappropriate’, ‘distasteful’, or should otherwise be avoided purely based on their subject matter.  Usually this revolves around the presence of a so-called ‘controversial’ topic; things like war, abuse or abusive relationships, sexual content, bigotry and minorities (LBGT+ relationships being a big one right now).

Personally I think this is a reductive and pretty silly way to choose your content.  No topic should be off-limits for any kind of media. (With the possible exception of holding off until the target audience has enough life experience and critical thinking skills to handle it.  There is some value in TV rating systems.)  Yes, some concepts will be uncomfortable to confront, but they are part of life and trying to keep them out of mainstream art simply stifles the valuable real-world discussions and conversations they might spark.

What we should be looking for is how a work handles the concepts it chooses to use.  There’s a world of difference between presenting or commenting on a controversial topic as part of a work, and misrepresenting or tacitly condoning inappropriate behaviour through sloppy (or worse, intentional) presentation choices.  The accuracy of research and portrayals, use of sensitivity and tact, consideration for the audience and overall tone with which a topic is framed are much more worthy of consideration than simply being offended that the idea exists in media at all.

‘Bad’ Art, ‘Good’ People and Vice Versa

I think it’s important to remember that our content creators are, well, people.  They’re going to have their own weird taste preferences, personal biases and odd worldviews that will sometimes show through in their output. They’re also going make mistakes - after all, to err is human.  Unfortunately, in the creative pool you can also find some genuine bigots, egotists, agenda-pushers, abusers and exploitative profiteers who don’t care about the damage their work might be doing.

It can be discomfiting to notice potentially negative subtext in the work or actions of a creator you like, and upsetting to realise that a work you love is the product of a person who you can’t in good conscience support.  Which of course leads to the discussion of art, artists, whether they can be separated and what to do when things go wrong.

Obviously I’m going to be talking primarily about the ethical/moral side of things, as I think most of us are willing to forgive the occasional technical flub, production nightmare or drop in outward quality from creators we otherwise enjoy.

It can also be a touchy subject so I’d like to reiterate that this is just an explanation of my personal philosophy.  My approach isn’t the only way and I won’t say you’re wrong for taking a different stance or choosing to stay out of it entirely.  

‘Bad’ art from an apparently ‘Good’ person In general, when it comes to apparent bad behaviour or negative subtext from otherwise decent creators, I favour the application of Hanlon’s Razor.

Hanlon’s Razor Never attribute to malice that which can be adequately explained by incompetence - at least not the first time.

Art is a subjective medium, with multiple readings and interpretations being possible from the same piece.  It’s definitely possible for an author to lack the  awareness or experience needed to notice when unintended implications or alternate readings have crept into their work.  Sensitive topics are tricky to handle at the best of times and seemingly harmless edits or innocuous creative choices can stack into subtly nastier tonal shifts. Similarly, being a good creator doesn’t automatically make them good at PR or talking to fans - it’s easy to get put on the spot or to not realise the connotations of their phrasing and how it may have come across.   Of course this still means someone messed up, and it’s totally reasonable to call them out for ineptness, but I’d take an unfortunate accident over malicious intent any day.

Then there are times when the negative subtext is a lot less unintentional.  In that case I think it’s important to make the distinction between creator sentiment and the sentiment of the work, character or their production team (if collaborating) before making a judgement on them as an individual.  For example, the presence of casual bigotry might be justified in historical piece that’s attempting to accurately portray the culture of the time, and a creator/actor might write/portray a protagonist with biases and proclivities that they personally disagree with for the sake of a more compelling story.  The presence of a worldview within a work doesn’t automatically translate to the opinion of it’s creator.

Similarly, when considering a problematic production or team it’s worth acknowledging which positions hold creative power, if every member is complicit and why a dissenting individual might stay silent; whether out of contractual obligation, a desire not to throw colleagues under the bus or just because they don’t have the financial security to risk rocking the boat or walking away from the role.   It’s important to figure out who the buck stops with before we start pointing fingers.

Overall, I don’t think there’s much value in passing judgement on an artist for the troublesome content in a single work.  You’ll get more mileage and a fairer assessment from looking holistically across their collection and personal/private channels for telling patterns of subtexts and behaviours.  For the most part I prefer to offer the benefit of the doubt until there’s enough supporting evidence or they do something to definitively out themselves.  Speculation fuelled witch-hunts are no fun for anybody.

‘Good’ art from ‘Bad’ people Exactly what defines a ‘bad’ creator will vary (there’s a reason I’ve been putting the terms in inverted commas).  Whether it’s a disagreement with a key opinion/ creative philosophy/ method, that they’ve done something actually heinous/ illegal, or anywhere in between, enjoying a work while being in conflict with the creator can be a difficult situation to reconcile.  Personally I think there's power to the Death of the Author argument in these cases:

Death of the Author An author's intentions and biographical facts (political views, religion, race etc.) should hold no special weight in determining an interpretation of their writing.

If you’ve found value or enjoyment in a work then you’re well within your rights to enjoy the work on those grounds, even if the message you’ve personally taken from it runs counter to the original author’s opinions or intentions.  

It’s also important to remember that a creator’s personal and/or moral failings don’t retroactively invalidate their skill and achievements in their field.   It’s possible for a person to continue offering valuable insights, observations and lessons on their chosen speciality in spite of their other behaviour or stances.  Their work can have value in isolation, although it may be worth taking the information with a grain of salt when it comes to possible biases.

This becomes a little harder when the disagreeable sentiments bleed directly into their creations but, again, there’s no reason why you can’t decide that the strengths of a work are worth looking at even if they take some squinting past uncomfortable elements to appreciate.

The question should never be ‘can I still enjoy the art?’ because that answer is always yes - if you liked it before learning about the artist then you’re allowed to keep doing so afterwards.  The new context may add caveats to the discussion but it doesn’t demerit the existing positive aspects.

However, Death of the Author runs into problems when the creator is still alive.  If the artist is out of the picture then you can engage freely without any financial support or publicity going back to them.  When they’re still around the question becomes ‘do I still feel comfortable supporting them?’ This is particularly relevant when it comes to online creators, as just interacting with their content can generate passive ad revenue, increase view counts and contribute to algorithm boosts.

I honestly don’t think there’s any one answer to this particular question.  It all comes down to a personal case-by-case judgement; weighing the severity of the conflict against how much you value their work and, in the case of creative teams, whether you think their colleagues are worth supporting despite them.  Even if you decide to pull back there are soft options before going for a full boycott; using ad-block to limit passive financial contributions, buying physical media second-hand or lending/borrowing hard copies to avoid generating any new purchases.

There are creators that I disagree with politically but continue to enjoy because their stance isn’t especially harmful or is relatively minor compared to the value of their work.  There are creators who I no longer want to support but whose pieces I like enough that I don’t regret having purchased from them in the past.  On the other hand, there’s a creative team whose content I adore in isolation but who I’ve had to drop entirely after their leader was outed as an emotionally manipulative office bully.  Where someone else would draw that line comes down to their own personal standards, and it wouldn’t surprise me if another person took a completely different approach.

Don’t be a Jerk

I feel like this should go without saying.  Rational discussion is great.  Being able to have a critical discourse - even one that’s focused on the more negative sides of a work - is wonderful.  Opinions are fun.

However, the thing with opinions is that a lot of them differ.  We aren’t always going to sync up and there are times when you shouldn’t, and won’t be able to, force someone to agree.  In that case, please don’t attack them over it.  You don’t have to like or respect their views but some basic civility would be appreciated.  You’re trying to have a conversation, not win a catfight.  Condescension, derision, high-horsing, ad hominem and otherwise getting personal doesn’t tend to win many friends or endear them to your perspective.   And to the rare few who go so far as to threaten or harass fans, creators and their families; that’s an awful, completely unnecessary, out of line thing to do. (Seriously, never do this, it won’t help and just makes you look crazy.  Also, it can be considered criminal behaviour.)

It’s also important to know when to let things go.  You’re not always going to be able to turn the tide and constantly chasing the argument, stirring the pot and fighting waves of push-back eventually reaches a point of diminishing returns.  No matter how important the issue is there’ll be times when you’re just screaming into the void.  The best you can do is make your peace, say your piece and take your leave.  After all it’s not the school playground.  And unlike the playground, we’re not obliged to stick around.

Value Judgements: It’s Good to Examine Your Tastes

At the end of the day I think you get more mileage from reaching an opinion based on a value judgement of a work’s positive and negative sides than you do from just bandwagoning into blind adoration or hate.  ‘Perfect’ and ‘Unsanctionable’ aren’t binary boxes - they’re points on a scale, and figuring out where you stand on a piece can be a useful mental exercise.  Even if your opinion ends up matching the general consensus, at least you know how you got there and can defend yourself if challenged.  

If nothing else this kind of thing can help you figure out what elements you like, dislike and prioritise in media, and where your personal boundaries lie in regard to different issues.

Still, even after all this there are plenty more factors that determine whether or not you’ll enjoy something.  I’ve dropped way more pieces for not being to my subjective liking than I have due to technical or ethical flaws.  Your tastes are your own, and if needed you can stop the conversation at ‘it’s just not my thing’.

In the end there’s no ‘correct’ way to be a fan of something.  We’re all just here to have fun.  So try not to be an ass when you run across someone who does things differently.

#Scattered thoughts #thinking about media #examining your tastes #acknowledging flaws doesn't make you less of a fan #no work is perfect #your tastes are your own #and that's fine #critical thinking #long post #really long post

[daylflay]

Gen-Z

Biters’ Remorse (Or Lack Thereof)

Most good horror movies have something to say, some social commentary to thrust upon attentive and thoughtful viewers, especially zombie movies. George A. Romero was perhaps the most prominent director of zombie movies in cinematic history, and that’s because he basically invented the modern, flesh-eating, slow-moving, undead variety of zombie that contemporary audiences hunger for (forgive the quip). With Night of the Living Dead, Romero’s first, and arguably most seminal, foray into the genre, he used imagery such as that of hordes of white people attempting to kill a black protagonist in order to comment on the racism endemic in America circa the 1960s. Ten years later, In Dawn of the Dead, Romero once again used zombies as a vehicle for criticism, but this time he set the action in a mall in order to tackle the issue of consumerism. The latter portion of Romero’s zombie oeuvre features a couple of entries, Land of the Dead and Diary of the Dead, whose messages would undoubtedly resonate with modern audiences even though the two films were released almost fifteen years ago: The former features a fortified city separating the entitled from the rest of the embattled world, commenting upon the xenophobia and nationalism engendered by a post-September 11th America; the latter features individuals recording the horrors of the apocalypse with handheld cameras, an obvious allusion to the advent of YouTube (Diary of the Dead was released in 2007). If Romero were still alive, then I’m certain that he would still be making zombie movies, and furthermore I’m pretty sure that the criticisms he’d be levying would be directed at misinformation and its propagation on the web, among a plethora of other subjects (recent events would’ve given him plenty to work with, to say the least). The world is currently facing a real-life pandemic, COVID-19, and its spread is attributable to many factors, such as lack of hygiene, large gatherings of people, etc., but I’d argue that misinformation has also played an inordinate role in this crisis. In Free Culture: How Big Media Uses Technology And The Law To Lock Down Culture And Control Creativity, Lawrence Lessig states that “the internet has unleashed an extraordinary possibility…to participate in the process of building and cultivating a culture that reaches far beyond local boundaries.” Lessig isn’t criticizing the internet with his statement, but I’m indeed doing so with my quotation. That “reach” that Lessig referred to, it’s what ultimately makes it difficult to quarantine those infected by misinformation, and it in turn makes life more difficult for those trying to survive in the web’s hordes of misinformation/misinformed people. 

The Survivors

Not all of the individuals I’m tracking carry pretensions of professional journalism, some are simply trying to live their lives as normally as possible during this national emergency. Having said that, considering the prominence of the novel coronavirus currently present in practically all matters of public discourse, much talk of the epidemic is present in almost everyone’s tweets to some degree. Of the individuals of my blog’s focus, Kashana Cauley and Patti Harrison are easily the least politically active and journalistically inclined. The Twitter accounts of both women have been producing a minor amount of content as of late, which makes sense considering they, like everyone, are likely dealing with the coronavirus situation and all of its associated complications upon quotidian life. Cauley’s only tweet from 3/12/20: In response to a quoted tweet from CNN journalist Ana Cabrera that read, “McConnell ally says Senate won't take up House #coronavirus bill until after recess. ‘The Senate will act when we come back and we have a clearer idea of what extra steps we need to take,’ Sen. Lamar Alexander told reporters.”, Cauley tweeted, “I don’t know why, but I think if the rest of us rolled into work & said ‘let people die until March 23rd’ we might get fired.” Cauley is obviously paying attention to the news, but not necessarily engaging with it in any major way. Harrison only tweeted twice on 3/12/20, and one of the tweets read: “Lying in bed bottomless, legs spread, patting my mound, my phone 2 inches from my face, arching my back and moaning with SINFUL anticipation for all of the front-facing character videos we are about to see when all these comedians get quarantined inside our houses…mmmm fuck!”. Harrison is responding to the news, but not intimating at criticism of said news like Cauley did in her aforementioned tweet, instead vying for the use of apolitical humor in order to entertain her followers. 

Rick Wilson spends a lot of his time on Twitter attacking Donald Trump and the Republican party, and that hasn’t changed, as evidenced by his activity from 3/12/20: In response to a quoted Trump tweet that read, “Sleepy Joe Biden was in charge of the H1N1 Swine Flu epidemic which killed thousands of people. The response was one of the worst on record. Our response is one of the best, with fast action of border closings & a 78% Approval Rating, the highest on record. His was lowest!”, Wilson tweeted, “So this is how you want to play it?”. Wilson has never claimed to be a journalist, but he provides a lot of commentary on the news, especially news of a political variety, so it’s no surprise that a lot of his current tweeting pertains to the coronavirus considering its proximity to politics. Despite lacking in professional ties to the journalistic industry, Wilson is still playing an important role in the fight against misinformation by fact-checking and pushing against sophistic Trump/Republican narratives being circulated (https://www.vox.com/2020/3/12/21176750/trump-coronavirus-response-disaster).

The Quarantine

For all of the responsible web users who aren’t contributing to the spread of misinformation, there are of course those who need to be quarantined due to their being carriers and deliberate disseminators of said misinformation. Candace Owens is one of those individuals who needs to be quarantined, immediately. Twitter is by no means a newspaper, but it’s nonetheless a source of news for some, and when one has a following the size of Owens (2 million as of 3/12/20), then one has a responsibility to at least attempt to promulgate accurate information, especially when one likes to play at being a journalist. Owens has always fancied herself a journalist of sorts, but if she hadn’t dropped out of the University of Rhode Island while attempting to acquire a degree in journalism (https://www.nbcnews.com/news/us-news/youtube-tested-trump-approved-how-candace-owens-suddenly-became-loudest-n885166), then perhaps she’d understand that the journalistic institution has a code of ethics. One of the most basic aspects of journalism, an aspect that’s tragically being undercut in the modern era by irresponsible fools such as Owens, is so simple that a child could ascertain it: Get the basic facts straight. This is one of Owens’ tweets from 3/10/20: “One day, we will look back and study the impact of the coronavirus…Not the virus itself of course, but the mass global mental breakdown that it inspired��Because people think it’s novel that 80 year olds are dying at a high rate from a flu…This tweet will age well.” Not only is the information contained in her tweet plainly incorrect, but it’s dangerous. First of all, there’s a big difference between coronavirus and the flu (https://www.wsj.com/articles/coronavirus-vs-flu-which-virus-is-deadlier-11583856879), evidenced not only by the disparate terms, but by the simple fact that the flu doesn’t lead the World Health Organization to declare the presence of a pandemic every flu season (https://www.bbc.com/news/world-51839944). Secondly, while it’s been reported that it’s primarily older people dying from COVID-19, youth doesn’t preclude one from catching coronavirus and spreading it to those older people; not to mention those of varying ages with underlying conditions such as autoimmune diseases who could easily die via coronavirus (https://www.nytimes.com/2020/03/12/health/coronavirus-midlife-conditions.html). Owens is just an extension of a type web-user Christian Fuchs refers to in Social Media: A Critical Introduction: “Cultural communities are not automatically politically progressive...Facebook group[s] [exist]…for Norwegian right-wing extremists…[like]the fascist terrorist Anders Behring Breivik, who killed 77 people in the Norwegian terror attacks on July 22, 2011”. Owens isn’t a violent terrorist (that I know of), but the misinformation she’s spreading could nonetheless be responsible for far more deaths than that of Breivik. It’s no wonder that Owens is a pariah to the vast majority of professional news outlets and can’t find columnist work outside of conservative propaganda-peddlers such as Fox News.

The Anti-Quarantine

Graduate of the University of Oxford, host of UpFront on the Al Jazeera network, writer/podcaster for investigative journalism outlet The Intercept, frequent commentator on networks such as CNN, Mehdi Hasan is essentially the diametric opposite of Owens (https://www.vox.com/recode/2019/6/14/18678698/mehdi-hasan-intercept-impeachment-donald-trump-pelosi-kara-swisher-recode-decode-podcast-interview). Hasan is a serious, passionate journalist who takes the dissemination of information/news very seriously, whether it be on Twitter or otherwise. Hasan has been absolutely restless on Twitter during the COVID-19 pandemic, reporting on germane news as it breaks and fact-checking those who attempt to misinform. Here’s Hasan challenging NBC columnist Richard Engel on 3/12/20, less than an hour after Engel posted his tweet: Engel tweeted, “The reaction/overreaction in the US to the virus seems largely political. Trump’s critics have no confidence in him, so they panic. Others defend Trump no matter what he does and don’t listen to anyone else. Not a recipe for keep calm and carry on. When broken you can’t be strong”; Hasan quoted Engel’s tweet and responded with, “Please don’t ‘both sides’ the anti-science, failed-on-testing, pandemic-minimizing conspiracy theorist in the White House.” Hasan is the antidote to the infection being spread by individuals such as Owens; whatever the opposite of a quarantine is, that’s what we need to do to Hasan. 

The Line

The line between amateur and professional may be blurred in some cases due to the rise of social media and the power of web-based technologies such as smartphones, yet in a lot of cases that blurring isn’t relatively important, but in the case of a pandemic such as COVID-19 and the blurring between amateur and professional journalism, the difference between an amateur like Owens and a professional like Hasan is of the utmost importance. Owens’ misinformation-spewing may well contribute to the deaths of actual people, and furthermore disrupt the important work of good-faith journalists like Hasan. What’s at stake here is clear: life and death. 

Life and death were subjects very much on George A. Romero’s mind during his filmmaking career, e.g.: Romero’s cinematic universe, a patchwork of films loosely connected to each other by an overarching narrative a la the Marvel Cinematic Universe, was kicked off by Night of the Living Dead; the concept of the living dead of course remained a linchpin of Romero’s work until the end. Unfortunately, like the namesake of so many of his films, Romero himself is now dead, so I have taken it upon myself to propose the concept for the next film in his cinematic universe of the living dead. In Quentin Tarantino’s Star Wars?: Digital Cinema, Media Convergence, and Participatory Culture, Henry Jenkins talks about “the story of American arts in the twenty-first century [and how it] might be told in terms of the public reemergence of grassroots creativity as everyday people take advantage of new technologies that enable them to archive, annotate, appropriate, and recirculate media content.” If I had more time, I’d certainly attempt to contribute to Jenkins’ perception of “twenty-first century” art via a short Romero-inspired film uploaded to YouTube or some similar platform, but I’ll settle for this faux-blurb instead: The year is 2020, and the world has rarely been more divided and vulnerable. Catastrophic weather events have ravaged the globe and displaced millions, spurred by a rapidly changing climate and subsequently decaying ecosystem. Political divisiveness has led to international protests and civil unrest with heretofore unparalleled levels of fervor. A highly contagious virus has begun spreading inexorably from country to country, slowly but surely infecting and killing an increasing number of people. Misinformation is running rampant on the web, leading to mass confusion and extreme skepticism of any and all information being disseminated. At the Biology department of a university in Fullerton, California, an accident is about to take place that will blur the lines between the living and the dead. For some, it’s felt like the end of the world for a long time, but those feelings are about to validated, and the world will be too distracted warring with itself, and the truth, for anyone to do anything about it. When the world already feels like hell, the living dead will feel right at home. Welcome to the world of…Gen-Z. Like those selfies while you still can. Coming to a theater near you…NOW! It’s already happening, so stock up on toilet paper…          

#coronavirus #candanceowens #Mehdi Hasan #Rick Wilson #kashanacauley #Patti Harrison #zombie #georgearomero #genz #trump #night of the living dead #dawn of the dead #landofthedead #diaryofthedead

[princesiddie]

Promt: 8: 'Do you want me to run a warm bath for you? We can use your favourite bubble bar.’ For dpd link I think that'd be cute.

Link trembled in Sidon’s arms, muscles taut and burning. He sucked in a soft, ragged breath, scrunching himself into a tighter ball. He didn’t feel right with Sidon touching him like this. He didn’t deserve it. He didn’t deserve Sidon.

Link pressed his face into his arm, squeezing his eye shut as another sob rolled through him. He felt weak. The dull, buzzing pain on his skin seemed somehow to permeate down to his bones, blurring and smearing with the hot, electric panic coursing through his mind. He’d gotten himself whipped into one of his moods again, so caught up in making Sidon see, making him understand how absolutely and wholly good he was, and how horrible Link was in comparison. He’d run out of comparisons at some point, and he’d panicked when Sidon started reassuring him, telling him they were equals and that he himself was no better than him or anyone. But he was wrong! He was so, so wrong; Sidon was flawless. Sidon was perfect in every sense of the word, so radiant and shining he made the sun, the stars themselves seem dim and dull; so benevolent and holy he seemed some sort of reverent deity bound to the Earth. Sidon was perfect. Sidon was amazing. Sidon was flawless. Sidon was a god. Link didn’t deserve Sidon’s precious, glorious affection. He was nothing but a mutt to him; a cur that had been thrown one bone one time by a benevolent god and hadn’t left its side ever since. Sidon didn’t deserve to have him leeching and clinging to him for the rest of his life. Link was nothing but garbage; the rotting refuse of the lowest of the lowliest creatures. He was evil and wicked and twisted and hideous and did not deserve even to exist within the same realm as Sidon.

But Sidon wouldn’t let him think this. Sidon, the accursed, beautiful man. As soon as Link stopped he started negating everything he’d said, unknowingly crumbling the very pedestal upon which he lived in Link’s mind; the same pedestal that held up his frameworks and scaffolding. Link had panicked, tumbling and tripping over his words as he tried desperately to show Sidon how good he was in his eyes, how perfect, how reverent, how absolutely holy he was. His words became messy as his thinking jumbled and twisted over itself, locking up and seemingly coating his tongue in lead. It had almost brought tears to his eyes. Sidon needed to know. He needed to know how good he was. He just needed to. If he didn’t, who knew what would have happened? If he thought them as equals, how would he ever tolerate the mistakes Link made? How would he ever accept his shortcomings?

Link’s panic and worry had folded in and in and in on itself, twisting and rolling and flexing until it reached critical mass and ripped through Link like a bullet. He’d fallen apart, crumbling to his knees and begging Sidon to understand, please just understand. He was not good. He was not pure. He was not perfect. He was flawed, irreparably so. He was nothing. He was dirt to an angel. He was a sinner in the presence of a god. They were not equals, never had been, never could be. It was simply impossible. Link had begged Sidon to understand this, pleaded at his feet for him to please understand, please acknowledge it, please recognize it. Sidon hadn’t said anything. He’d watched Link, shivering, sobbing, lamenting mess that he was, and gingerly touched him after a moment or two. Link had flinched. He’d coaxed Link off the ground, cradling him secure and warm in his strong holy arms, and sat on the bed with him, letting Link curl into his chest and sob all he wanted.

Eventually, Link had burned himself out, frantic, obsessive passion replaced by a sick, scraped out hollow feeling, like he was simply the fragile shell left over. He shivered, pressing into Sidon for warmth and stability. He felt like he might fall to pieces at any slight jarring. Weakly, something in the back of his mind told him to struggle against Sidon; try to push from his grasp so he wouldn’t be holding filth. But he was simply too spent, too broken.Link felt gentle lips press against the top of his head. He trembled, closing his eyes and whimpering softly.

“I’m sorry,” Link gasped, voice hoarse from sobbing and fragile.

Sidon said nothing, only shaking his head a bit. He lifted a hand, bringing it up to brush back the hair on his forehead. Link exhaled softly as Sidon brushed his lips over his hot forehead.

“My pearl…” he murmured. He pressed another kiss to his head, firmer and sweeter. “It’s alright. You’re alright.”

Link’s heart turned with panic in his chest. He suspected he meant alright to mean something other than what he thought, but he wasn’t taking any chances. He shifted, suddenly stirred with panic and anxiety. “I’m–” Link started, voice fearful and small. Sidon shushed him, holding him tighter and gently rubbing his cold, goosepimpled arms.

“Shh… You’re ok. None of that, now,” Sidon cooed warmly, voice so sweet and gentle that it brought tears to Link’s eyes. He was so perfect. Even with how Link was, all the breakdowns and episodes he had, how he refused any compliment he tried to give, how quickly he could switch from suffocatingly needy and clingy to fearfully distant and afraid, he remained calm and collected and comforting, no matter what. No matter how wound up and frenzied he became, Sidon would always sooth him back to calmness; always hold him as he cried and steady him as he shook. Link loved it, the way just his voice or his touch could relax whatever he was feeling too much of like a salve. It satisfied the deep, almost primal desire he harbored of being cared for and cosseted over and coddled, but he could never truly enjoy it. It wasn’t fair to made someone like Sidon–of all people!–have to worry about his wellbeing and come running every time he had a bad day or made himself upset. He tried now to self sooth as best he could, although he lacked the fundamental skills to do much more than berate himself for being so weak and helpless, and often to convince Sidon to leave him before he was truly better. But Sidon–perfect, reverent, holy Sidon–very rarely listened to him. He would sit with him as long as it took to talk him down, and usually even longer after that to assure he was fully calm. The care Sidon showed him almost always made him tear up.

“Do you want me to run a warm bath for you?” Sidon asked gently, brushing back the hair that had fallen in front of Link’s eyes. “Perhaps that would help you calm down a bit. We can use your favorite bubble bar.”

Link pressed into Sidon’s touch, ignoring the bitter voice within him that cursed him for ever even thinking about bathing with a creature so divine as Sidon. He was simply too tired now. He needed Sidon’s affection and care. He nodded weakly.

“Alright. Can you wait here for a few minutes?”Link nodded again, and felt his heart ache dully as Sidon let him slide from his lap and got up. Link curled himself into a tight ball, pressing his forehead to his knees and squeezing his eyes shut as bitter thoughts bombarded him. How could he let Sidon suggest something like that? How could he let a flawless creature like Sidon bathe with him? It was deplorable to even consider. Sidon had told Link many times before that he loved his body, adored it even. They’d had sex plenty of times. Sidon must’ve had seen his body dozens, if not hundreds of times over the years. But no matter what, Link always felt a brief flash of insecurity he never felt with anyone else whenever he was naked with Sidon. He knew his body was abysmal, just as he as a person was. He still flinched a bit whenever Sidon touched him, looked away when he praised and adored his body, blushed when he kissed him anywhere but his head. Sidon had told him numerous times that he loved his body, that it was perfect and beautiful. Link could never shake the feeling that he was lying.Link started a bit when Sidon approached him, towel wrapped around his waist. The smooth, tanned skin of his strong chest made Link’s ears redden and twitch. He reached out for him feebly, brokenly, and felt his heart warm and soar when Sidon picked him up gingerly. He rested his head on his firm chest, radiating heat like an oven. Sidon was good. Sidon was flawless. Sidon was a god.

Link let Sidon help him with his clothes, too spent and hollowed inside to let his self consciousness refuse Sidon’s help. He insisted, though, on getting into the tub himself. How helpless would he seem then, needing help to get into a bath?The water was hot, but not too hot. It was comforting, like a hug from a mother, and he could tell from its silkiness and sweet redolence that Sidon had added some kind of oil or bath salt. As Link lowered himself into the water, he could already feel some of the tension in his back and legs relax. He submerged himself with a soft sigh, flexing his fingers as the bath’s warmth enveloped him in a soothing embrace. Link heard Sidon climb into the tub as well and then felt his hands gently encircle his waist, pulling him to lie back against his chest. Link let him, ignoring the part of him that screamed at him for letting Sidon touch someone as filthy and decrepit as him. He shivered as Sidon brushed his lips over his ear, humming and murmuring softly to himself. Link tipped his head back, resting it in the crook of Sidon’s shoulder so he could look back at him. Sidon smiled, patient and sweet and beautiful. Link felt his cheeks warm. He shifted, sitting up and looking away from Sidon.

“I’m sorry,” Link squeaked out, voice pinched and fearful. He didn’t know quite what he was apologizing for, but he felt a distinct urgent feeling as though he’d done something wrong.Sidon slipped his arms around him again, turning him around so they were chest to chest. Link stared into Sidon’s molten, golden eyes, flecks of cerulean shining like jewels. They held nothing but kindness and love and adoration, even for a creature as horrendous as he. It made Link’s chest tighten and tears spring up in his eyes. Sidon lifted a hand to cup Link’s cheek, swiping away with his thumb the tear that had begun to roll down his precious cheek.

“Shh, my darling,” he murmured. “No tears now. Everything’s alright. I promise.”

Link’s chest swelled at this. He loved Sidon. He adored him. He was infatuated with him, his goodness, his perfection, his divinity. There were not, it seemed, enough words in existence to describe him. None of the ones Link had seemed to do him enough justice. Link’s heart stirred, roused by Sidon’s words, but he was too withdrawn now to erupt into frenetic praise like he usually did. Now, he simply rested his head on Sidon’s chest, pressing into his warmth and wrapping his arms around him. Sidon pressed a kiss to Link’s head, one hand gently raking his nails up and down Link’s back along his spine, the way he knew he liked, as the other played with and twirled his long, silky hair, let down from its usual ponytail for bathing. Link closed his eyes, a pleasurable chill rolling through him as he felt the last bits of his anxiety and mania slip away, expertly teased from him by the bath and Sidon. He closed his eyes, senses occupied by the sheer presence of Sidon.

He loved him so much.

#asks #siddie writes shit #siddie writes long shit lmao #d.p.d. #prompt

[survivaldespair2-blog1]

Bitter Pill | Arthur | Re: All This Mess Idek ATTN: Kisuke, Tarou, Gernot, Kosami

A headache had long since come in to roost in Arthur's head, but he can feel it getting worse as the trial progresses. People are talking so much, there have been a lot of raised voices. At some point one of his hands had wrapped around the crucifix on his rosary so tightly his knuckles show through his skin. He can feel the silver metal leaving an indent in his hand. He doesn't know how much longer he can push back the breakdown he knows is building, lurking, waiting.

Arthur closes his eyes for a moment and focuses on his breathing. He can't afford to lose it yet, lives are on the line, the trial isn't over, the culprit isn't clear. And then Yumie speaks up, of course she does. Arthur opens his eyes again and gives her a look filled with exhaustion.

"I had absolutely no reason to kill Mr. Shiryo, and even if I had one I would not have done it. He was my friend. Besides, multiple pieces of evidence exclude me, and I have an alibi as I had been with Hoshimi since long before the murder could have been committed. I understand you hate me, but please do not risk innocent lives based on a grudge, however justified."

Hopefully that will keep them from going off track, although then Tarou starts speaking again and Arthur just. He just. He slumps in his seat for a moment and puts his head in his hands. Headache is reaching critical mass. He's so frustrated, exasperated, angry, confused. Why the hell did Tarou think that was a good idea? If Arthur were the type of person to scream in frustration he would be doing it right now. Instead he's just taking deep breaths and trying to re-evaluate everything.

He glances up at the sound of Kimiko shouting, in time to see her kick Tarou right in the harbor. Amazing. This is such a shitshow.

"[How can we be sure of anything now?]" He mutters in English, so most likely rhetorically, while tugging at his crucifix, "[Lies, why? Why did Usokami-san not simply say what he had done with the heart to begin with? Why did Akiyama-san lie about pushing him down the stairs? It makes no sense, wasted our time, confusing, have to go over everything again. That is assuming he is not lying now. Why trust a recant of a confession? Which was really the lie? How are we supposed to know? Wasted all that time. Pointless.]"

Arthur presses his hands to his head again. Deep breaths, slow, in and out. He's so angry, at Tarou, at whoever the killer is, at the Benefactors, and even at Kisuke for not waiting until others had discovered the body, until the investigation, why hadn't he just waited a little longer? Why did he have to do that and then keep quiet about it and make himself suspicious and contaminate the crime scene and Arthur really wants to scream. But he doesn't.

Instead he looks up at Gernot.

"If he did, in fact, agree to it, then it would likely need to have been someone close to him. You are not ruled out, however. And yes, we can conduct comparisons of fingerprints, although as I said it will be difficult to determine an exact match without the proper equipment. Still, I would like to check Akiyama-san and Usokami-san first, just to be certain." Arthur pauses. Something else had occurred to him, but... he isn't sure whether or not to suggest it. It's unlikely to go over well, particularly with a certain someone. Finally his shoulders slump and he sighs and adds, "If Mr. Faust and Akita-san could come over for a comparison as well, and so that I can examine your hands, it would be appreciated. I am sorry. I am trying to be thorough. And if Mr. Faust is correct that Mr. Shiryo wanted to utilize the motive to protect one of us- specifically Kimiko- then the logical choice of a conspirator would be someone else who cared deeply for her. Someone he could be certain would choose her."

#celestial noise #Chapter 3 #trial #arthur #submission

[familycourtcorruption]

How I Deal With Triggers

  It’s really normal to not enjoy your emotional triggers – after all, they are painful!

Nearly all of us were told to “think about something else” and try to distract ourselves from them.

However, after experiencing the extreme trauma of abuse and toxic relationships, it’s not that simple to do.

Many of us, myself included, have had the absolute breakdown experience of so many crippling emotional triggers that life simply can’t go on as it used to.

This is why it is my absolute pleasure to share with you exactly how I deal with my triggers, so that I can inspire you to come up and out of pain, and be delivered to the other side too!

    Video Transcript

Today I want to deeply share with you how I deal with my emotional triggers.

And this is really important because it is our triggers, which are handing us our salvation.

Mind you, it took me decades of pain to work this out. Before then, as a result of trying to avoid my triggers, I was forever stuck in emotional fear, pain and reaction and the ongoing traumatising events that were my life.

Thank goodness I discovered that there is a completely different way to deal with this! A way that works, and it is my absolute joy to share that with you today.

But before I do, I’d like to thank you for subscribing to my channel and supported the Thriver Mission. If you haven’t as yet done so, please do. And, if you enjoy this video, please make sure you give it a thumbs up.

Okay, let’s dive into today’s episode!

  The Old Consensus About Emotional Triggers

Human conditioning has taught us to try to ignore and escape any painful emotional trigger. Meaning if we feel dense or painful energy inside our body, to try to do everything possible to get away from that feeling.

Many of us had the messages, since being very young of, “Try not to think about it!” Or we were talked out of our bad feelings, by people who also were experts at talking themselves out of their own bad feelings, and therefore did not have the capacity to validate ours.

Yet, we know that when we are told to ignore what we feel or to pick up some distraction, or what we are feeling isn’t true for us, that this doesn’t feel good.

Life experience has also shown us that the inner bad feelings usually keep coming back.

It’s so interesting now when I introduce people to the Thriver Way to heal for real from abuse, they may initially feel horrified about turning inwards to self-partner and meet their feelings.

And why wouldn’t they, after being indoctrinated into believing that emotional triggers should be avoided at all cost!

Even Law of Attraction principles declare that the way through to a happy and healthy life is to ignore the bad feelings and just focus on the good and try to create new neuropathways as a result of doing that.

Many of us, who tried gallantly to achieve this, found out that the painful triggers, that were often in repeat, didn’t go away no matter how hard we tried to think our way out of them.

And, what was extremely painful was that the triggers would often explode from inside of us at random times. They may have caused us to hand power away to other people because of being derailed emotionally. They may have caused us to lash out at people who we love simply because we were feeling overwhelmed within ourselves.

Also, they could make the creation, expansion, and solution of our life incredibly difficult for us because we are continually plagued by painful feelings that are taking up all our energy trying to survive them.

Then, of course, we have to come up with even more extreme strategies to try to escape the inner pain that is going off inside of us, especially after suffering the incredible trauma of narcissistic abuse.

When you are suffering the triggers of feeling anxiety, depression, powerlessness, helplessness, or even panic attacks, until you learn how to handle your triggers in a self-partnered way, you are susceptible to trying to find something outside of yourself to try to switch the trigger off.

This could mean that you go for food, cigarettes, alcohol, shopping, excessive device time, hooking up with people who hurt you, and all sorts of unhealthy and even desperate measures to try to get out of the pain.

It’s only when you get in your body and can be present healthily with your triggers that this can stop.

  Turning it Around By Turning in

It wasn’t until I experienced my complete breakdown/breakthrough experience with narcissistic abuse, and being left with my shattered Inner Being, without any outer props left to go to, that I started to get a grasp on the truth of this.

I needed to turn inwards.

And so I did, with this declaration, “Inner Being I am here for you and I am never deserting you again”.

I realised my emotional triggers, which were the signals of my inner traumas, had become “my normal” but this was in no way natural. It’s not who I really was as my True Self.

It’s not our fault that we have had so many traumas impregnated into us from the outside – our past lives, our ancestors, childhoods, and the human collective experience of limiting painful beliefs about gender, age, race, religion or whatever it may be.

And of course, people who were dealing with their own extreme levels of trauma. Hurt people hurt people.

Trauma, sadly, is a part of the human experience. We have all been infected to some degree.

After being narcissistically abused the trauma within you is activated to such an extreme level that it reaches critical mass. At this point life simply cannot go on as normal, and it is virtually impossible to be able to cognitively think our way out of the pain.

Often, researching and learning all we can about abusers and our abuse symptoms will not ease it either.

When I turned inwards, I discovered so many painful fractures that were programmed beliefs and painful emotional experiences, in regard to myself, life and others.

The truth was I did not feel safe in my body, and this was the battle with anxiety, depression, and feelings of helplessness and hopelessness.

How on earth can we feel good in our body after experiencing significant trauma? How can we feel safe?

Even before I developed the profound inner healing tools of Quanta Freedom Healing (NARP) to heal myself, I started to understand that rather than try to get relief from the outside, that the only true relief needed to be between me and myself.

I learnt to say to myself, “I bless and accept this feeling”.

I want you to imagine having an emotional trigger go off inside you, and rather than abandon yourself by trying to disconnect from it, or blaming yourself for having it, I want you to open your heart and breathe and say to yourself “I bless and accept this feeling”.

Now feel the effects of that in your body.

It would be usual for you to start feeling some relief because your Inner Being heaves a sigh of relief knowing that you have finally showed up for him or her.

The illusion is that your Inner Being has wanted something or somebody else to take away the pain, but your Inner Being has actually been waiting for you to turn inwards to self-partner and integrate and love him or her back to wholeness, all along.

Being willing to do this, and validate the feeling as being blessed and something that you accept starts to reverse all of those beliefs that we’ve taken on from our forebears – that our feelings are invalid and not deserving of our attention and love, which really means that we have been deemed invalid.

I hope you understand that your emotional inner state is Who You Are.

It’s where your entire life is being generated from. Hence, in order to get life right, this part of you requires your devotion and self-partnering.

  Why Are Triggers So Fantastic?

You may think that I’m crazy by saying triggers are fantastic!

Yet, I know, 100% that they are.

I now know that all of my triggers are happening “for” me, and not “to” me. What I mean by this is when a trigger goes off inside of me, this is the signal that allows me to know that a part of me is not aligned with my desires, my True Self and my Soul’s True Destiny.

It’s like a GPS signal that is telling me I’m off course.

And I love this, even though once upon a time, of course, I detested it!

Since being aligned with my Thriver Life and having the profound Quantum Tool, Quanta Freedom Healing (NARP) I’ve been supremely dedicated to addressing the triggers that arise within my Inner Being, and loading them up and releasing and freeing myself from them.

This has allowed me to release my subconscious from those old painful programs, and replace them with my superconscious self, which is my highest potential on any topic, by bringing that down into the space where the old trauma once was.

This system of healing, completely bypasses the mind which tries to work it all out (usually unsuccessfully) and creates a shift somatically in our visceral emotional centre, in such a way that it doesn’t have to be understood logically in order to be experienced.

What I discovered is that when the trigger is gone, a resounding peace replaces it.

And this “thing” that I’ve been struggling with, regarding myself, people, situations or events, starts to heal and resolve.

I also discovered that the most incredible synchronicities, opportunities, and even miracles start to appear that completely match the positive shift that I’ve just had in my body.

This I know with every ounce of my being; that the composition of our Inner Being is directly connected with all of the resources of life that are entering our experience, as our experience.

When we shift, it shifts.

When your Beingness is changed, you have changed. This is so much more effective than trying to think your way into a new way of Being.

My everyday experience, before self-partnering with my triggers, was trying to negate painful feelings in my body, with all sorts of personal development. This was only at best managing my still existing trauma, and not healing it.

And when my efforts would slip, my addictions would start to take over. All of this was exhausting, especially because I was still battling ferociously the evidence of my unhealed triggers that were coming to me via people and situations.

Since discovering and working with the truth about triggers – “I bless and accept you as a signal of something that I can shift, release and replace in order to go up to the next higher level of my True Self” my life experience has changed beyond description.

I hope you are really getting this.

Okay, once again, when imagining having a trigger going off inside, I want you to repeat the declaration after me. Let’s say this together … “I bless and accept you as a signal of something that I can shift, release and replace in order to go up to the next higher level of my True Self”.

How does that feel in your body?

Does it feel like relief? Does it feel like truth?

I want you to pause this video and write how it feels for you below.

Okay, so I really want you to know that I totally validate that at the start of your narcissistic abuse recovery journey there are lots of triggers to address.

Initially, there is a lot of work to do to release and reprogram your Inner Being from intense toxic trauma that is making it difficult for you to function. This is why having an effective tool to be able to meet, hold, load up, release and replace your triggers certainly makes it so much easier.

If everything that I’ve talked about today resonates deeply with you, you can get your true healing journey started by clicking this link. 

So, I hope this video made sense to you, regarding a new, empowering and radically transformative way to work with your triggers, and please share with the people who you know it could help.

As always, I look forward to answering your comments and questions below.

  Read More –>

The post How I Deal With Triggers appeared first on Family Court Corruption.

from WordPress https://ift.tt/3aXm6Nm via IFTTT

#Family Court