#My family was very health food oriented so we never got these much as kids... but I did oggle them on the store shelves

[generation-fucked-nostalgia]

Lil Debbie

#My family was very health food oriented so we never got these much as kids... but I did oggle them on the store shelves #and getting to eat one at a friends house or like. a school event?? It was a rare treat for me <3 #food #nostalgia foods #nostalgia food #junk food #desserts #dessert #lil debbie #2000s food #90s food #agere food #nostalgia #nostalgic #my childhood #gen z #gen z nostalgia #gen z things #2000s #2000s nostalgia #2000s kid #2000s kids #90s nostalgia #90s kid #90s kids #90's #nostalgiacore #nostalgia trip #kid stuff #kidwave

[pinkplantmakesstuff]

[Sat opposite me is none other then The Commander himself. We are in my office; surrounded by stacks of notebooks and stationary, this is no battlefield and it's clear The Commander is currently out of his depth.

I will admit I was shocked when he agreed to an interview; the Commander is infamously secretive about his private life and personal affairs, and there are terrible rumours about his foul temper and monstrous appearance. Sat opposite me however, is a young, world-weary man]

Exclusive interview continues under the Read More...

Let's start with some introductory questions, can you introduce yourself?

[There's a pause before he finally speaks, he's surprisingly soft spoken.] My name's Alec. [He looks at me, and I have to prompt him for more] Oh I see. Uh people refer to me as the Commander, but I'm, not really? I don't, well I don't belong to the Pact anymore? But apparently the title stuck. And I just, end up helpin' with stuff still. [He shifts uncomfortably, and I need to know what brought him to my office today, why he's changed his mind before I continue with the more personal questions.]

So, Commander, what's changed? Why an interview now? After refusing to talk to any journalists for so long, what caused this change of heart?

[There's a another long pause.] Well, I mean...a couple of people told me it might be...good for appearances, to you know talk to one of you people, instead of just... lettin' everyone make stuff up about me all the time. [I assume he means the rumours that make up most of his public perception - like the idea his mouth is full of flesh-tearing fangs- which I can now confirm to be false. He may have pointed fangs but they are small, and he seems more interested in gnawing at his own lip.] Oh, uh and you can just call me Alec I guess.

Well thank you for choosing to speak to me Comman-Alec, now lets move onto the more personal stuff; what is your gender identity, orientation and relationship status?

[This seems to catch him off guard.] That, that is kind of, personal. [He grimaces and draws his arm tightly across his chest. "You said you didn't want people to make stuff up about you anymore, why don't you tell people so they know the real you."] I, well, ok. [He gives a defeated sigh but it seems I've swayed him around for now at least] Uh I'm a guy and I like other men. And, uh, there, might be someone. He's...[Alec mulls over his words for a minute, the "fearsome" fangs nibbling at his own mouth again] well he's like, there's a connection? It's hard to explain. ["You've just disappointed many potential suitors I suspect!" At this he lets out a surprised laugh, as if he can't believe what I said. "Is this potential someone your fearsome companion you've been rumoured to be spotted with? With fangs and horns even greater then your own?" At this he frowns, folding his arm in again.] He's not fearsome he's just, well he's great. [I've clearly struck a nerve so I choose to move on.]

Where and when were you born?

[Another one-armed shrug.] Dunno. Some small place. Don't remember it, don't care. And uh, I'm like, well I think I'm twenty? Something like that I don't know my birthday. I think it's in Winter. [At this it was mine turn to let out an incredulous laugh - which I admit was unprofessional of me. "I knew you seemed young but, only twenty? That's, you've done a lot for someone so young." There's another, lengthier pause.] S'pose so. [He doesn't comment on this further.]

Here's something you should know plenty about! What is your weapon of choice and fighting style?

[He narrows his eyes at me, and then tilts his head thoughtfully. For a moment I thought he was going to demonstrate his magical capabilities I've heard so much about but then he simply shakes his head, a if deciding against it.] Magic. People don't like it. ["Yes I've heard the rumours of your powerful necromancy, as well as the tales of you being able to transform-" He cuts me off] I fight with magic. [Again I've struck another nerve, but I don't blame him. The rumour-mill has been particularly unkind to this young man, and it's no secret how many people view darker aspects of magic unfavourably.]

Lastly, for these introduction questions, are you happy?

[We sit there in silence for several minutes, and it seems he has no answer for me. I decide to move on quickly.]

Let's move onto the people in your life! What’s your family like? What is your relationship with them?

Uh, I don't. Well my family is, well she's a baker. We grew up together. And V-my... partner? [He catches himself, clearly trying to protect keep them anonymous.] I don't have any other family I guess. But, I'd do anythin' to keep them safe. [I don't push further but it's clear the Commander's family means as much to him as the next person. Something the rumours have lead people to believe is not the case.]

Have you ever ran away from home?

Yeah. When I was a kid. My friend - the baker. We left together. it was better after that. [Alec doesn't elaborate further to begin with, before realising he's only told me part of it.] From an orphanage I mean - it's the same ol' story about kids losin' family to the Risen then being taken into care when I was a baby. We hated it. We got old enough. We ran away.

You mentioned you have a partner, this mysterious V. Would you consider marriage or having children?

[Alec's demeanour almost doesn't change, but I've not spend years in journalism and not learnt how to read people. This question has clearly flustered the young commander.] Uhh, that's, kind of personal. I don't think about stuff like that? I, well it's just nice having someone around more now. [I was about to move on before he interrupts.] But, kids are good, if, I think I'd have liked too, if things had been different.

Let's talk about some juicy gossip! Do you secretly hate one of your friend?

What? [This clearly catches him off-guard, before letting out a bitter laugh.] No. I haven't got enough of those to secretly hate one of 'em. Plenty of people have made it clear how much they hate me though. I wouldn't be surprised if more of them secretly hated me too. [Another short pause, he shifts in his seat and I catch a peek at the small wings sticking out oh his back.] I'm too tired to hate any of them, especially secretly.

I see, so which friend knows everything about you?

[Almost subconsciously he touches his horns, they are short, stubby things.] I don't think, I have- maybe the two I mentioned earlier know the most. It's hard to talk about things. ["Hmm I'd picked up on that." At this he laughs, the minor tension that had started building up eased slightly.] Yeah I'm not great at words and stuff.

The next set of questions are asked my fans! Are you literate? Have you been to school?

Fans? [He shakes his head in disbelief before leaning back in his chair, hair obscuring his face slightly.] The orphanage wasn't much for teachin'. Next question. [I resist the urge to press further.]

The eeriest prediction you made that later came true?

[He seems to spend some time thinking this one over before shaking his head.] Dunno. I guess I just assume most of the people I meet won't stick around long enough to be friends and...well I guess in a way they don't get to stick around I've....I've lost a lot of people. I guess that counts right? [He laughs slightly at this, but it isn't a happy one. Even the commander, who is oft described as cold is clearly affected by the ongoing tragedies he seeks to help stop.]

What is something you were embarrassingly late to realize?

I don't think I realised Sylvari could glow for like, ages. [He puts his hand up to his face slightly but he smiles slightly as he speaks, and it's only now I've realised he's without his infamous blind-fold. I mention this but he shrugs it off.] I still 'ave it. I just, don't want to wear it right now.

Do you have mental health or physical issues?

[He waves the stump of his missing arm, bandages still visible. Everyone's already heard about the fight against the fearsome Jungle dragon that cost him his arm, as well as the Marshall of The Pact .] Does this count? [He makes no mention of his mental health so I try to press further.] I'm fine.

What is your current main goal?

[Alec shakes his head, before shrugging again.] I'm not gonna talk about stuff like that, in case it puts people at risk, it's, well it's stuff that needs doing to help people.

Let's move onto something easy! Some choices! Drink or food?

Food. I like cooking. ["Really? The famous Commander, known and feared on the battlefield, enjoys being in a kitchen?" He smiles slightly and nods.] It's just nice y'know. I like making things a lot.

Cats or dogs?

Cats. Their senses are easier to see through and they can fit in smaller places. [Before I can ask what he means he continues.] I would like a pet one too I think.

Early bird or night owl?

I prefer getting up early, it means I have longer in the day to get stuff done.

Optimist or pessimist?

[He frowns again.] Don't know. I don't think things are ever gonna go very well. [He merely shrugs when I point out that he sounds like a pessimist.]

Sassy or sarcastic?

I wouldn't say I'm either to be honest. ["There have been reports from Queen Jenna's courts that you have been known to make the occasional sarcastic, scathing remark."] Well there are also reports I've got a huge dragon tail but that don't make it true either. [I don't point out that dry remark he made.]

You'll be pleased Alec, we are finally finishing up! Finally it's time for some "Have you evers". Lets start with have you ever been caught sneaking out?

Nope. I used to be unnoticeable, though, that's changed a...little. [He gestures to himself in what I am assuming is reference to his small wings and horns] Like I said earlier though, magic.

Broke a bone?

Nope not that either. ["Really? With your work on the field and from the battles I've heard, you've truly never broken a bone?] I guess that's just the one thing I got goin' for me I guess.

Received flowers?

I don't think so? Wait yeah maybe but they are from people I don't really know as thanks which is nice I guess- I give 'em to...my baker friend coz she likes to display them in her shop.

Ghosted someone?

[There's another pause, it seemed he'd been slowly getting used to speaking to me but this one has him quiet again.] Not....intentionally. Keepin' in contact is hard when you're constantly travelling. And writing is... not one of my greatest talents.

Pretended to laugh at a joke you didn’t get?

Uhh to be honest I probably wouldn't realise it was a joke sometimes', and if I did and I don't get it then maybe they should have told a better joke. [He shrugs and I can't help but laugh at his honesty]

[There you have it readers, an EXCLUSIVE interview with the feared Commander himself. Nothing like the rumours who describe him as "The Beast", The Commander is just another war-weary fighter trying to do what's right.]

Thank you @the-mystic-dragon for tagging me this was so much fun to write! (Even if it took like, an hour, and I massively changed the format XD) This is written as if it's around mid to late lws3 and before PoF as well as in the au with Vasche! Vasche is @resonatingfern's wonderful character and Alec's "mysterious partner" in this. In terms of tagging, if ya wanna do one go ahead! Though I did change the format quite a bit oops XD

#gw2 #guild wars 2 #my writing #alec shadowdancer #gw2 writing

[siennadraws]

OC interview: Terys Lavellan

Thank you @thatssolavellan for the tag!!!

INTRODUCTION

1. Can you introduce yourself?

I am Terys, a hunter of Clan Lavellan, I go by she, and I'm Mythal's Chosen.

2. What is your gender identity, orientation and relationship status?

Gender identity is something different from elves to shem, but I feel comfortable being called a woman. I'm attracted to all kinds of people and single.

3. Where and when were you born?

I was born on the 7th day of the second month of Spring. The calendar we Elvhen use is different from the shem's Chantry's, but I think the month would be Cloudreach. I was born in my clan's camp, in Ferelden. We used to live there before the Blight.

4. What is your weapon of choice and fighting style?

I use daggers and I prefer finishing the fight before it starts. I try to kill as many of my enemies as I can before they notice me.

5. Lastly, are you happy?

That's a difficult question. I am and am not. There's a moment for every emotion. Just because my life is hard doesn't mean I don't find happiness. But my life has been hard.

The rest of the questions under cut because it gets long.

FAMILY AND FRIENDS

1. What’s your family like? What is your relationship with them?

My family is wonderful, and I love them.

My mother is a very wise woman, she's the more quiet one, listening in on everything before speaking. As the Keeper, she's also a very powerful mage. My mom is wise as well, of course, but she's more adventurous and loud, my uncle still tells stories of all the trouble they got into as children.

My sister is a sweetheart. She loves finding things and learning, a bit like me, but she's more of a open book, despite her shyness. She also loves all kinds of dogs, especially the wolves our clan travels with, especially Arla, the pack's leader.

2. Have you ever ran away from home?

Never, and I've never thought about it or found the need, to be honest.

3. Would you consider marriage or having children?

I'd consider marriage, but having children isn't something I want. I'd rather just help my fellow clan mates with their kids when they need and I can.

4. Do you secretly hate one of your friends?

No. Not at all. But I have hated some of them, and they hated me back. But we have moved on from it. Cass and I only started getting along after Corypheus was defeated. I had that weight off my shoulders and she had started realizing her biases. Awkward talks ensued but we're friends now.

Viv and I started getting along after Haven fell. I realized that she truly cared for her fellow mages and everyone else, just has a different way of thought on how to protect them, and I spoke to her about Dalish mages, and how we didn't actually abandoned them in the wilds. I think my sister joining the Inquisition was also a great help.

5. Which friend knows everything about you?

The one friend whose goals would find him using that knowledge against me. Solas.

ASKED BY FANS

1. Are you literate? Have you been to school?

I can read and write both Elvhen and Trade, my Trade was a bit rusty before joining the Inquisition. I was taught alongside my clan mates my age many different things, trades and history, survival and the ways of nature, religion. And I tried to learn more, and learned much more as life went on.

2. The eeriest prediction you made that later came true?

I may have made a few jokes about Solas being the mastermind behind the Breach.

3. What is something you were embarrassingly late to realize?

That the rumors Mother Giselle warned me about weren't that Dorian was manipulating me, or that we were working together for nefarious ends, but that we were in a relationship. I only realized it when Dorian made a joke about it, when he was saying his goodbyes.

4. Do you have mental health or physical issues?

I obviously have one physical issue, my missing arm. Thankfully I have a prothesis, but it causes problems of its own. And my mental health is... Probably shaky. I'm more paranoid and anxious than I used to be.

5. What is your current main goal?

My current goal is to stop Solas from ending this world. Hopefully finding a way to return it to it's natural state in a peaceful way.

CHOICES

1. Drink or food?

Food.

2. Cats or dogs?  

My sister would kill me for this, but cats. I still love dogs.

3. Optimist or pessimist?

A balance of both. It depends on what I'm thinking about.

4. Sassy or sarcastic?

Sassy.

HAVE YOU EVER

1. Been caught sneaking out?  

Yes. My sister and I used to sneak out to explore ancient Elvhen ruins, after they were cleared by the hunters. We told our mothers we were going to gather blueberries, but they caught on the lie. I suspect they sent some hunters to watch over us without being caught.

Once we got older my sister and I still went to explore the ruins, but this time with authorization, and a couple of my hunter friends as backup.

2. Broken a bone?

A couple, it happens when you're a hunter, or a reckless kid, or when you're trying to repair a big hole in the sky made by a Magister.

3. Received flowers?

Yes. Romantically and platonically. Dalish kids love making flower crowns, it's something that keeps their hands busy and that they can brag about.

4. Ghosted someone?

No. When you're Dalish there aren't many ways to ghost someone, even if it's during an Arlathvenn, so you don't really find the need later in life, even outside the clan.

5. Pretended to laugh at a joke you didn’t get?

Never. This may be the cause of a couple of Josephine's grey hairs.

I'm tagging @dreadfutures @little-lightning-lavellan @vakarians-girl @vvakarians @tireddemigod @vronism (no pressure) and whoever wants to do this (pls tag me!)

#terys lavellan #tag game

[saintlethanavir]

OC Interview: Calliope Tarenan Laskaris Lavellan

INTRODUCTION:

1. Can you introduce yourself?

I am Lord Inquisitor and Lethanavir, Calliope Tarenan Laskaris Lavellan Pavus. Creators, that’s getting almost as long as Cassandra’s introduction isn’t it?

2. What is your gender identity, orientation, and relationship status?

That’s…going to be just as long of an answer as the first. Gender isn’t much of a concept for us in my clan, we do what we want. They or he pronouns by themselves or together is fine, please refer to me as a man. I prefer the company of men, as one of my husbands would say. Which answers your next question, I am married.

3. When and where were you born?

Oh, one moment. Uh. I was born in 9:01 Dragon, the month and day equivalent would be..the sixteenth of Harvestmere? I believe. It’s difficult to pinpoint where exactly but I was born somewhere in the Emerald Graves.

4. What is your weapon of choice and your fighting style?

Before the events of the Exalted Council I preferred two handed weapons, and would wield a greatsword. Now I am outfitted with a blade not unlike Madame de Fer’s spirit sword, though I am no Knight Enchanter. Large bursts of magic and aggressive styles are more of my thing, I like to get personal.

5. Lastly, are you happy?

That’s quite the question. Sometimes. Other times are very hard, ‘this world demands so much of us, we must take what we can do when we have it’ a friend of mine once said. That’s how I live my life.

FAMILY AND FRIENDS

1. What’s your family like? What is your relationship with them?

Ah, yes. I have quite a large extended family and even a larger nuclear family than most probably have. We can be boisterous and would be thrown out of parties if it wasn’t for my talented husband, Magister Pavus, keeping everyone around us in check.

I have an alright relationship with most of them. The Hawkes I get along with quite well, though Calix’s husband is wary of me still. Fenris, Ophelia, and Sam go with me for drinks often. My twin brother is the one I’m closest to though, we visit our clan from time to time together when he’s not off on Warden business. Our parents and paternal family branch live close, so they’re never far behind should we need them. They all dote upon my son, Athim, I swear he’d be spoiled by them if he wasn’t already by his fathers.

2. Have you ever ran away from home?

I would rather not answer this question, especially asked from a stranger. Next.

3. Would you ever consider marriage or having children?

Self explanatory, I think. I was always a marriage type, it was important to me. Children on the other hand…well, Athim was unplanned but certainly not unwanted. I will not be having more children, hopefully, though.

4. Do you secretly hate one of your friends?

Absolutely not. Jokingly, maybe, but never truly. You would know if I hated you and you would not be my friend.

5. Which friend knows everything about you?

I’ve been told it’s cliched to say Cole, though that would be the obvious choice. Unfortunately, I would say it’s Solas, but a true friend doesn’t stab you in the back, now does he? So..strictly a friend? Varric. He was there for me when no one else could be, from the beginning. I will always love him for that.

ASKED BY FANS

1. Are you literate? Have you been to school?

It took me quite a few years but I am literate, yes. Elvhen is my first written and spoken language, second Orlesian, some Tevene, then Trade. I have not been to ‘shem’ school, no, I was raised with other children learning from the elders of our clan. We learned minor magics, history, religion, survival, etc. The University of Orlais has reached out to me, but I’m not sure I want to go given then history.

2. The eeriest prediction you made that later came true?

I jokingly made a comment about a birthmark on my chest, right above my heart, that I must have died in jn a duel in a previous life. Falon’Din was killed by Elgar’nan this way.

3. What was something you were embarrassingly late to realize?

Oh please, do I need to answer that? Aside from Solas..probably the realization I had fallen in love with my partners. Can we move on from this question?

4. Do you have mental health or physical problems?

Yes, clearly. My arm. Blind in my left eye. Aside from that..not really? I’ve had some chronic pain since I was little from larger injuries, chronic headaches. But nothing major. My mental health has always been in question, I’ve been told I have what’s called post traumatic stress and have had hallucinations since I was a child.

5. What is your current main goal?

To keep Solas away from my son and make sure the world doesn’t fucking implode again.

CHOICES

Drink or food?

I have to choose? Food.

Cats or dogs?

Both but I will be disowned if I say that, so dogs.

3. Optimist or Pessimist?

Pessimist, much more now at least. Optimism got me far but..it’s been a rough time.

4. Sassy or sarcastic?

Are they..not the same thing? Sarcastic, I suppose.

HAVE YOU EVER

1. Been caught sneaking out?

Oh yes. My mother caught me leaving our tent one night with my twin brother so we could catch fireflies, but she just went with us instead. I…don’t want to explain why I haven’t snuck out since.

2. Broken a bone?

Are you kidding me? Yes. All the time.

3. Received flowers?

Dorian sent me a whole hedge for our wedding anniversary once, I killed them immediately. Never was a green thumb. Bull is in charge of flowers now.

4. Ghosted someone?

What? No. Is that something someone truly does? That’s awful.

5. Pretended to laugh at a joke you didn’t get?

Of course. What do you think I was doing at the Winter Palace during the ball?

Tagged by @siennamain !! I tag anyone who wants to do this!!

#thank u friend! #calliope lavellan #dragon age #txt

[charrwybie]

(I've seen this interview meme floating around the tag and it looks super fun so here it goes! Wyatt is not my Commander, but he's still a fun character who WOULD have fans bc he's in a band! Used to do ballet!)

INTRODUCTION

- Can you introduce yourself?

I'm Wyatt Epping - Wybie for friends! I play bass in a rock band with my friends.

- What is your gender identity, orientation and relationship status?

I'm a guy, bi, and not... availa-bly. That was Awful, sorry about that. Not looking to be in a relationship right now, either, I have some healing to do before I'm ready to try again, found that out the hard way.

- Where and when were you born?

We - mom and me that is, assume in Lion's Arch because that's where she found me as a newborn cub some twenty years ago.

- What is your weapon of choice and fighting style?

I prefer to not fight, but when I have to, I prefer my staff or greatsword, and an axe for when things get close. My aunt calls me a powerhouse and I'm usually last still on my feet so I guess I'm good at dancing around the danger and hitting hard when I need to.

- Lastly, are you happy?

Yeah. Yeah. Getting there at least! I've gone through some shhhhoot that made me not happy for a long time, but I'm getting there again! Feels good.

FAMILY AND FRIENDS

- What’s your family like? What is your relationship with them?

(Wyatt laughs) I have a big and weird family by a lot of standards. I'm sure you're thinking that Epping doesn't sound like a charr name and you'd be right! I was raised by my mom, Norma, a human woman, in Lion's Arch so I definitely don't have like a charr upbringing, or a charr name even. I also have another mom who's a charr but not the one that birthed me, and a step-sister who's about the same age as me. Then there's my dads who aren't really my dads but kinda are -- it's a long story, but we're happy. Close! I love them very much and am definitely a momma's boy and a family boy.

-Have you ever ran away from home? 

No. Well yeah, when I was like four and mad about something and I got all the way to the other side of the street before running back to hug my mom and cry that I missed her.

-Would you consider marriage or having children? 

Marriage, definitely, with the right person, I -- think I want that, but it's also scary right now. Kids? No thanks. Thought I wanted some, but nah, turned out to be some misplaced emotional shenanigans. Kids are great, but not for me.

-Do you secretly hate one of your friends?

I wouldn't waste time being their friend if I did, I don't think. I can be a polite boy and act civil in any company, but I'm not gonna be friends with someone I don't like. What's the point?

-Which friend knows everything about you? 

Ordell, who is also in the band - he grew up with me and my sister and we were like an inseparable triple trouble trio, and he was kinda like our little brother but not really. Still is the same. He's the kind of friend I can talk about anything with, or just sit quietly, and it's just... comfortable. Cozy.

ASKED BY FANS  

-Are you literate? Have you been to school?

Is this a joke about bassists being dumb? Yeah I'm literate, have been to school in Lion's Arch, and did real good there. I liked school and studying and would work on ballet flexibility while doing my homework; hobbies, no matter how serious, never were more important than learning.

-The eeriest prediction you made that later came true?

Hmmm. I don't know if anything like that's happened? My mom used to call me Stormlord because I used to predict thunderstorms and lightning strikes as a kid; does that count? She was amazed that I didn't become an elementalist.

-What is something you were embarrassingly late to realize?

You know what, PROBABLY a lot of things, but I can't think of an example.

- Do you have mental health or physical issues?

Both, haha... I have seasonal allergies, a permanently injured knee that ended my hopes of dancing professionally, depression that came with THAT, aaaand PTSD from a different kind of trauma. I'm healing, though!

- What is your current main goal?

Just... To have fun! And to get a griffon, that's what I'm working on right now. We'll see, a lot of animals don't like me, and I really don't know why. I think I'm cursed or something. Let me tell you, it's not fun out there when seemingly every animal ever seems to have a personal beef with you, specifically. And I'm not talking about wildlife, I'm talking about cows and chicken and like generally friendly things.

CHOICES:

- Drink or food?

Food, unless my sister made it, in which case probably neither.

-Cats or dogs? 

Both! I grew up with both and currently have both - I have a cat called Silly - Cilantro, really - and a dog called Potato.

-Early bird or night owl? 

A little more of a night owl, I guess, though not really that either. I like sleeping.

-Optimist or pessimist? 

Optimist. Trying to be real hard at least! Mostly it's working!

-Sassy or sarcastic? 

Depends on the day and company I guess. Not a lot of either.

HAVE YOU EVER:

-Been caught sneaking out

No, but sneaking back in, yeah! (Laughs) I'd come home too late from parties or something drunk before I was supposed to be drinking and inevitably mom would catch me because I'd always get sick, or be way noisier than I thought, or, you know, both. I try to not drink enough to get that drunk anymore.

-Broken a bone

Kneecap, yeah, when I goofed my entire knee. Some toes, I think? Amazingly not anything bigger than that though.

-Received flowers

Yeah! From friends and family and dates, and fans too. I like flowers, am very allergic to some of their pollen though, haha!

-Ghosted someone

Well, yeah. Sometimes deservedly, sometimes it's been me panicking and being shitty as a result-- aw rats, there goes a coin in the swear jar... But yeah, I have.

-Pretended to laugh at a joke you didn’t get

Oh for sure. Sometimes I don't have to pretend because I'll just laugh at myself not getting it!

#gw2 #wyatt the charr #charr #interview meme

[purplesurveys]

1102

survey by joybucket

What color are your eyes? They are dark brown. They’re actually really more of black because of how dark they are, but that sounds creepy so let’s just go with really really dark brown.

What's your favorite type of milk? I don’t take a lot of milk and am not familiar with most of them.

What's your passion? What a deep, introspective question three questions into this survey lmao. My interests are always changing so I don’t really give much thought into this. I don’t let myself be bound to just one thing.

What's your favorite color? I really like the way baby pink looks on everything.

Are you shy? Sure, but I’m trying to break out of that shell. Based from hundreds of past experiences, being shy is the easiest way to be forgettable and I’m tired of people never remembering my name or anything about me.

What is/was your favorite school subject? History. Anything about it I will surely enjoy.

Do you celebrate Christmas? Yes.

What's your favorite quote? I don’t keep track of quotes.

What is your natural hair color? It’s black.

Do you like it? There’s nothing to complain about. I’d love to have it dyed just to try out something new with my look, because it’s been black and untouched for 23 years; I guess it’s just a matter of when I’ll push through with it.

Are you happy with the way you look? I wish some aspects were different, like my hair to be less frizzy, my front teeth to be straight, my eyesight to be clearer, etc. But it’s also whatever; I don’t really focus on these things too much as I’ve never been the type of person to concentrate on my physical looks.

What would you change about your appearance if you could? ^ Well, those things I listed. Also, to have boobs?? Puberty never did anything for me in that department.

What would you change about your bedroom if you could? I’d move the bed up against the wall because that’s always been more my vibe. If I had the energy, I’d buy a storage container and place all Gab-related stuff in there so I can finally hide away those things (but not entirely throw them out). I would also fix my closet, all three sections of it. I’d also love to get a homey and soothing night lamp and be able to regularly buy scented candles to de-stress at the end of the day. In other news, my room has remained stale for so long and needs a revamp HAHAHA.

Are you rich or poor? I’d say we are in the middle, but our financial situation throughout Covid has been making me increasingly worry.

Are you double jointed? Nope.

What's the most physically painful thing you've ever experienced? The time I ripped my ear piercing, and my foot infection from snorkeling. Also getting my blood drawn, but that’s only because I’m a big baby when it comes to sharp things.

Do you like shots? See above.

Are you afraid of spiders? Our spiders are never too large or look menacing where I live, so not really. I’m aware of how big they can get in other places though so I totally understand the widespread hatred for spiders lol.

Have you ever had an allergic reaction to something? Not sure if it’s an allergy, but my legs quickly get irritated if they’re exposed in a grassy area for too long. My face also doesn’t seem to appreciate face masks, (the skincare kind), but I’m not sure if that’s an allergic reaction or if face masks are meant to do that.

Name a food that you like that's green. Green curry, or broccoli.

Do you like to read? Yes. More of non-fiction, though. I haven’t read a fiction book since I wasssss probably in middle school or early high school.

Do you know what your purpose in life is? No. I don’t stress out over stuff like this lol, I just make sure I’m happy where I am and at the same time, still feel fulfilled with the things I’m doing. 

Are you lonely? I can be, but I guess it’s just meant to happen sometimes.

What's something you are good at? Reading people. Sometimes to my benefit, sometimes otherwise.

What's a color that looks great on you? Olive green and maroon are my favorite shades.

What's something you would like to improve at? Being creative. My work requires a lot of it and I end up being a shitty teammate whenever we have to do brainstorming, because I literally just stay to the side, unable to think of anything.

Do you believe you have great potential? Yes.

What's one word to describe you? Right now? Tired.

Are you spiritual? Nope.

What's one thing that you get a lot of compliments on? My writing.

What's one hidden talent that you have? I dunno if it counts as a talent but I memorize a great deal of songs from Jay-Z and Kanye’s Watch the Throne album, which has always been a fun ‘talent’ to whip out and surprise friends with when we’re partying at a club/bar and a song from the album is suddenly played.

What are three girls' names that you really like? I love Olivia, Mia, and Harper. I’ve probably listed those names a thousand times on these surveys by now.

What are three boys' names that you really like? I like Liam, Mason, and Lucas.

What is the most beautiful scenery you have ever beheld?  The prettiest place I’ve been to was probably Palawan.

What is your favorite pizza topping? Just cheese is fine with me. If that doesn’t count, bell peppers come second. I can definitely live without the other usual toppings like pepperoni, beef, etc.

Name a food that you like that's red. I said green curry in the green foods question, and I’ll answer red curry here, haha.

Are you color blind? Nope.

Have you ever had a crush? Yes.

Can you type fast? I can and I do on a daily basis.

What's your favorite type of cereal? Erm, I’ve never tried them before but I’m drawn to cereals that are rather sweet lol, like Reese’s Puffs or Hershey’s Kisses cereal line. The thing is, they’re classified as one of the luxury imported brands over here so their prices are very unreasonable for a box of cereal, and I never get to have them as a result. Otherwise I don’t enjoy cereal too much.

What is one of your dreams? I would love to have a family.

What are your top three favorite colors? Baby pink, white, and mustard yellow.

What is your favorite book? I don’t have one.

What is your favorite amusement park ride? Ones that would provide enough thrill but won’t make me pass out, like the octopus.

What are three middle names you wouldn't mind having? Idk, I’m fine with my second name. I actually really like the name Isabelle and at one point I unsuccessfully tried to make it my main name, back when I still hated Robyn.

Are you flexible? Not really anymore. I used to be, kind of.

Do you consider yourself religious? Not at all. I haven’t been in around five years. I’ve been atheist since I was in the 4th grade, then I had this very sudden (but very brief) change of heart back in senior year when I started praying a lot. I went back to atheism as soon as I started university.

Are you bold? I can be, but it’s not one of my principal traits.

Are you spontaneous? It’s nice to be every once in a while, but I’m not always.

Do you have a significant other? No.

What's your pet peeve? Lateness.

How tall are you? Just a little over 5 feet, which does not classify me as tall at all.

What's your sexual orientation? Demi. I’ve also been increasingly self-identifying as asexual, so let’s go with that too.

Can you sing? Nope.

Can you dance? Nope, but I still do it when I’m alone.

Can you draw? No.

Do you play an instrument? I mean, just the recorder, but I don’t know if that counts.

What school subject do you hate the most? Chemistry. I struggled with it both in high school and in college. I hated physics and geometry too, but at least I got better at them as I got older. Chemistry is just far too complicated for me to appreciate.

What's your least favorite color? Most shades of yellow and neon green.

Do you eat healthy? I wouldn’t say I exclusively eat healthily, but I do keep a good balance in the food I consume. I enjoy my junk food as much as I like eating vegetables.

Do you think you look better with short or long hair? I’d say short.

What's a color that doesn't look good on you? White.

Are you passionate? Sure.

Are you doing the most you can with your life? Right now, with the world falling apart around me? I definitely try to. I have a great job, I spoil myself and try out new things for myself every now and then, I’ve pulled myself out from the rut I used to be in a few months ago, etc. I guess I can say I like where I am.

Are you proud of yourself for the way you are living? See above.

Do you love yourself? I've started taking a couple of steps down that path.

Do you have regrets? Sure.

Do you have wishes and dreams? Of course.

Do you have a huge secret you are keeping from the world? I suppose so.

Do you have neat handwriting? Yeah, I get quite a lot of compliments on my penmanship in general. I liked practicing my writing as soon as I learned how to properly hold a pencil, so I guess all those times served as good training.

Name a current favorite song. I dunno but Hayley is set to release a new album by tomorrow so a couple of songs from there will most definitely end up being a favorite.

List a song lyric that you like. “Can you live with what you know about yourself when you're all alone, behind closed doors?”

Are you happy? I think so. I’m definitely not as sad as I used to be.

Are you a generally optimistic person? I try to be, but I allow myself to be negative or realistic sometimes.

Have you ever had something horrible happen to you? Between deaths in the family, depression and other mental health issues, and personal life events that were less than nice, absolutely.

Have you ever been abused? Sure.

Have you ever been harassed and/or bullied? I was bullied as a kid because of my name, and as a result it was difficult to make friends for years. I’ve never been harassed though.

Do you love nature? Yes, I love being around nature when I get the chance.

Are you free-spirited? I wouldn’t consider myself that. I like being on the careful side when it comes to many things.

Are you carefree? Not really. 

Would you say you are an overcomer? Yup.

Are you a good friend? I hope I am.

Do you like animals? Love them, except insects.

Do you meditate? No. I actually tried yoga for the first time yesterday because that’s what my workout app had planned for me, but I quickly learned that I am way too impatient for it, lmao. The whole session was meant to be I think 30 minutes? but I quit by like the 14-minute mark and did another program. Idk, I guess it’s just not for me.

Do you pray? No.

What month were you born in? April.

What's your favorite season? We don’t have the usual four seasons but I’m gonna go ahead and say winter because it’s what appeals to me most.

What's one place you've been to that you want to visit again? I want to keep coming back to Sagada.

What's one place you want to go that you've never visited before? Thailand.

What's your favorite type of tree? I don’t have one.

Are you laid-back? I tend to be uptight most of the time, actually.

Are you hard on yourself? Yes.

How's your self-esteem? It’s been getting better, but sometimes I still can’t help but feel insecure.

What medical conditions do you/have you had? Scoliosis.

What are you allergic to? I have had itchy, irritable reactions to face masks and grass before, but not sure if they’re allergies.

Do you like to try new things? For sure, as long as it’s not a crime or if it involves my fears lmfao. Like I would be willing to skydive or dye my hair a strange color, but I’d never scheme a burglary or jump in a tub of cockroaches.

What's one word to describe your style? Chic.

What's one word to describe your bedroom? Plain. I definitely need to mix it up so that it can feel more like who I am.

What's one thing you like about yourself? I like that I’ve always been able to surpass difficulties and come out a better person from them, instead of letting them consume me.

What's one thing you dislike about yourself? I need to stop blaming myself for things out of my control.

Are you competitive? To a fault.

Are you faithful? Sure.

Can you cook? Hell no.

What's your favorite restaurant? Ramen Nagi.

#survey #surveys #kinda basic-ish but not really which works out v well for me

[sapphos-darlings]

I’m proud of my mother. She was born in the 50s into a conservative family, if you can consider them conservative in rural Finland in the 50s - the father brought in the food, the mother stayed home tending to a flood of kids never having the energy for all of them, leaving them often on their own to look after each other, hoping they’d all make it through the day but in the end, no one had the time to make sure. They were hunters and farmers, traditionally Christian as far as I can tell. The community they lived in had a lesbian couple that everyone knew about but nobody talked about; it was taboo and shameful. Being gay wasn’t right. My mum’s straight, too, so this was easy for her to internalize.

She became a mother late at at 37. I’m her only child. First, I was gnc. She wanted a daughter she could dress up pretty and pamper. I wanted nothing to do with dresses and my favourite way to pass the time was to climb trees and roll around in mud. My mum gave up on the dresses very fast. I played with wooden swords and bows that my dad and my neighbours built me. The neighbours told my parents I’d grow up to be a vegan feminist activist, in words that made sense for the time. Everyone knew I was strange.

My dad was mostly drunk and away from home, so my mum raised me much on her own. She never implied in any manner that what I was doing was wrong or improper or that I wasn’t good as I was. I had sleepovers with girls and boys all the way until early teenage, at which point we separated naturally. She once told me she was afraid what’d happen when I’d first have “boy troubles”. I never had boy troubles. She wasn’t prepared for the troubles I was going to have, though.

At 10 years old, we went to a concert together. I fell in love with the singer of the band and spent my next two years fawning over him. I think at this stage, everything was going as intended. I don’t think she even remembers this phase now, because last year, she asked me in all honesty if I’m a lesbian.

I’m not a lesbian, but you might not know that.

I was scared that I was when I turned 12 and found myself attracted to Avril Lavigne’s promo picture in a CD store. I got over my freakout in about ten minutes, but my attraction to women (not Lavigne) survived. At 14, I was involved in a weird relationship with a girl my age. I don’t remember much of it other than that I was very bad at playing relationship, and I feel guilty she left her girlfriend for that mess. At 15, I fell in love for the first time with a girl I’d love for the next decade, desperately, painfully. Between there somewhere, maybe at 13, my mum found me crying in a closet because my best friend had a crush on me and I was scared to tell her I didn’t want to be in a relationship with her. My mum stumbled over the word “boy” when she asked what “he” wanted of me. I know she knew then, but we never voiced it.

I met a crossdressing gay guy around that time. He went by the name Cherry and wore cybergoth outfits and makeup, and he turned 18 a couple weeks after I met him. My mum let me go to his birthday party and stay until 1am, and later go visit him in the capital on my own over multiple occasions, once personally meeting him and giving him a hug. He was wearing platform boots and hair extensions and probably fishnets on some part of his body. She loved him because he was like a big brother to me, and never questioned the way he presented himself or worried about him being a bad influence to me, because he made me happy and I felt safe and excited to be with him. I also had a major crush on him which I think everyone was well aware of, but it was a safe crush, because I was 13 and he was 18 and like a big brother to me, and I was a girl and he was gay and everyone knew that, too.

When I was 16 and we went on a vacation in Europe, I spent all of my time finding the means to talk to the girl I loved at all times. I racked up an insane phone bill and couldn’t care less about the Pride parade in Rome, because I would rather lock myself up in an overheated Internet shack that was no wider than our bathroom at home to talk to her for hours online. Then she met another girl and chose her to be her girlfriend, only to tell me years later she hadn’t chosen me because she was too afraid of losing me, which made no sense to me. I felt like my world had ended. I didn’t stop crying for weeks and I signed myself up in a hospital because I was afraid I’d kill myself over the heartbreak.

I think it was around that time I started going to Pride, too, but regularly only when I met my next girlfriend around 18. I was always scared to go to Pride, not because I was afraid of showing I was LGBT but because I was scared of being the target of an attack like a bombing or a shooting. One year, we were the target of a gas attack, but I didn’t even know that, because I was marching at a different section of the parade and only heard about it later in the news. I don’t know if my mum was aware we were dating then with this girl, but I think she did. I think at this stage she’d already settled on me being a lesbian, it was just unspoken between us. She’d once asked me, because I wrote fanfiction most of my teenage and I always showed it off to her because I was proud of what I was writing and it never occurred to me it might have been inappropriate or offensive that I was writing about gay relationships. She vehemently denied this for years, because according to her, she’d never spoken the word “lesbian” in her life, much less referring to me.

She did speak it, last year, though. I do believe she spoke it when I was a child, too, when she asked me if I was a lesbian. I know she did. I said I wasn’t, because I’m not, but I understand that the evidence stacked up against me. Obsession with same-sex media, Pride parades, girlfriends, girl crushes, heartbreaks over girls, never once a mention of a real boyfriend or any material boy crush aside from those I had to a few chosen celebrities, fictional characters and idols, all of whom were unattainable and never as strong and overwhelming as the love I so obviously felt for women - I don’t blame her for thinking I was a lesbian. I’m not sure if “bisexual” entered her vocabulary at any time before last year.

At 19, I came out to her as transgender. She said she didn’t understand but that she’d try her best and support me no matter what as long as I would be happy, and what I was doing was making me happier, as I was obviously unhappy and struggled with difficult mental health issues for most of my life. She accompanied me to my meetings at the gender clinic and spoke with my doctors and nurses to understand. She tried her best to remember my pronouns when speaking in English, and even though she failed and has always failed, she did learn to call me by my new name without a fault. She’s never regarded me as a man of any sort and that’s alright, because I had and have her support no matter what. So here we were for the main part of my 20s - she thought I was a lesbian and knew I’m transsexual.

It’s only these past two years we’ve really talked about any of this. That’s the size of the taboo she was raised with in terms of the LGBT matters. She might have asked me once if I was a lesbian before, but even to herself, she’s denied ever voicing that word. Last year, or a bit over, when I was 27 or 28, she finally did consciously voice the question over the phone: am I a lesbian?

No. But that was the first time I ever vocally came out as a bisexual. I’ve never hidden it, but I’ve never come out either. I’ve always just either “been” or left it unspoken. All my friends have always known, and all of the Internet has always known, and I’ve never kept it a secret, but within the family, it’s been unspoken.

She was alright with that. We talked about my transition a little bit, if I was happy with it, if it made me happier, or if I regretted it. (It made me happier, I’m happy with it. She was relieved to hear that.) Other than that, we’ve never spoken of it, but all of this is why I respect my mum more than I probably have ever respected anybody else.

I’m everything she was taught to think of shameful and bad her whole life, everything she struggled to accept as a part of “normal”, as something natural. I’m exclusively female-oriented bisexual, gender non-conforming, and a diagnosed and transitioned transsexual. She couldn’t possibly have a child deeper in the LGBT than I am. And not once in my life did she make me feel like I wasn’t good as I am, like I wasn’t allowed to be myself and express who I am and look up to the people I did. She always made sure I’d be safe to her best ability, but her concern never restricted my freedom to be myself and explore my identity, and her concern was never made to be my problem, or something I had to take responsibility of.

And this year, because the pandemic had moved the Pride parade by a few months and because that meant that my best friend (that girl I dated when I was 18) probably couldn’t join me because of her career situation, I asked mum if she’d come with me to Pride, because I don’t want to go alone. I fully expected this to be the last thing she couldn’t do. Earlier, she’d asked me to come to a gay movie with her because she really wanted to see it but couldn’t make herself go alone. That had been a throughoutly difficult experience for her - yes, she’d enjoyed the movie, but it had made her feel very conflicted because of the values she’d been raised with and the prejudices she was trying to fight. A Pride parade just seemed way beyond there - I just needed to ask because yes, I did need someone to go with, but also because I wanted to show her that I wanted to take her, and that she’s welcome to be a part of my life even in the ways that we’ve always been afraid to discuss. I’m happy to share my identity with her openly, because she’s been accepting and understanding of it and never given me a reason to feel like I can’t be honest with her. It was more symbolic than anything. And like I expected, she did hesitate, but what I didn’t expect was that she’d tell me “yes”.

I’ve never been more proud of her than at that moment. I know how much it means to her to say “yes, I will come with you to Pride”. She had to reassure herself that for her, it doesn’t mean anything else than that she’s proud of me, and supports who I am and my right and the right of everyone like me to be who we are. I reassured her about it too - Pride is full of straight allies. Pride is full of parents, partners and children, even dogs and horses of people who are LGBT. She’s not making a statement about herself by being there. She doesn’t need to come out as gay to join Pride with me. She can just be there for me.

But it means the world to me that she agreed.

I’ve quite literally never been the girl she wanted me to be, and my friends were never the friends she imagined her child having when she was planning for me. But she’s never, in any manner, implied or let me think that she didn’t love me. She’s never made me feel like I wasn’t right for being who I am. She never let her doubts or questions or concerns or prejudices keep me from living my life and pursuing happiness as it came to me. Not once.

And for that, I’m proud of her. I couldn’t have a better mother.

#wlw #bisexuality #bisexual #pride #lgbt #mod sade #c: sade

[axelxmartinez]

(Hi I love to plot, hit me up and let’s chat!)

Introduction @redridgeimp​

FULL NAME:  Axel Jose Diego Martinez

NICKNAMES(S):  Axe, Ax, Diablo

AGE:  33

DATE OF BIRTH:  October 30th, 1986

PLACE OF BIRTH:  Red Ridge, Nevada

CURRENT LOCATION:  Red Ridge, Nevada.

ETHNICITY:  Latino. Mexican primarily and his mother was partially Caucasian (European descent), as well as Mexican and Dominican.

GENDER:  Cis male.

PRONOUNS:  He/him/his.

SEXUAL ORIENTATION:  Bisexual.

ROMANTIC ORIENTATION:  quoiromantic

RELIGION:  Atheist.

OCCUPATION:  Owner of Roberto's and Bone breaker for Valencia.

EDUCATION LEVEL:  he dropped out of high school in the beginning of 11th grade. 

EXTRACURRICULAR:  Boxing, lifting weights, playing video games, occasionally reading

LIVING ARRANGEMENTS:  Owns his parents house, a medium sized single family home with 4 bedrooms, an unfinished basement, nothing to brag about on the south side of redridge

SPEAKING VOICE AND ACCENT:  Deep, smooth voice with a hint of a Spanish accent, especially when he's angry. Normally keeps a steady tone, unless he’s really upset about something.

PHYSICAL APPEARANCE, ETC.

FACECLAIM: Manny Montana 

HAIR COLOR AND STYLE:  black, shaved short

COMPLEXION:  Brown on the lighter side with neutral undertones

EYE COLOR:  Brown.

EYESIGHT: 20/30 the last time he checked, he probably could use corrective lenses for driving or reading something but he doesn’t bother with it.

HEIGHT:  6’1” or 185cm

WEIGHT:  169lbs or 77kg

BODY AND BUILD:  Muscular, lean, well-defined muscles. 

TATTOOS: tons, he gets them at random and the only theme to them is that they are black and white. The obvious ones most people see are the skull on his throat and the ones on his fingers and hands. (See his pinterest linked at the bottom for more ideas in this area)

PIERCINGS: none, he fights too much to have piercings.

CLOTHING STYLE:  jeans, hoodies, t-shirts, flannels, button down shirts, primarily black for everything. 

DISTINGUISHING CHARACTERISTICS:  tattoos all over his body, small linear scar on his eyebrow where no hair grows, various scars all over his body - some covered with tattoos and some not. Also wears necklaces and rings, has a few random bracelets made by his nieces and nephews.

HEALTH.

MENTAL DISORDER(S):  ADD is all he’s been diagnosed with, though he likely has an anxiety disorder as well. 

PHYSICAL DISORDER(S):  none

ALLERGIES:  the pollen gets to him in the spring but he just ignores it

SLEEPING HABITS:  insomniac, he sleeps in small shifts between work and whatever he’s doing during the day. 

EATING HABITS:  Axel has a high metabolism so he eats a lot and often, he tends to pick things up while he’s moving around town and keeps protein bars and snacks in his car for in between meals

SOCIABILITY: extroverted introvert, he tends to be around people but doesn’t go out of his way to strike up conversation unless he feels it necessary, knows the person already, or is spoken to first. 

BODY TEMPERATURE:  neutral.

ADDICTIONS:  Nicotine, Caffeine, some would argue he drinks a little too much but he doesn’t think so.

DRUG USE:  Depends on the drug. He smokes marijuana frequently, but anything else is occasionally and he refuses to touch needles or anything made purely from chemicals (i.e. Meth). 

ALCOHOL USE:  Frequently, usually has a drink or two everyday. Sometimes more, sometimes less. He prefers brandy and tequila but also enjoys beer and will always accept a free drink regardless of what it is.

PERSONALITY.

POSITIVE TRAITS:  Hardworking, Efficient, Honest, Strong, Confident, Curious

NEGATIVE TRAITS:  Callous, Insensitive, Secretive, Possessive, Withdrawn, Stubborn

LIKES:  Fighting, good food, drinking, video games, smoking, sex, most things physical, some reading, fire

DISLIKES:  Schools, authority (mainly police), drama, airplanes, inactivity

FEARS: His only fear that he could ever pinpoint was his father.

HABITS: Plays with his fingers, touches his face, staring without talking, smoking, rain

ASTROLOGY:  Scorpio Sun, Sagittarius Rising, Libra Moon

PERSONALITY TYPE:  INTJ

MORAL ALIGNMENT:  Chaotic Neutral

HOGWARTS HOUSE:  Slytherin.

ELEMENT:  Fire

WEATHER: Overcast or Sunny

COLOR:  Black

MUSIC:  Rock, Metal, 90’s hip hop

MOVIE:  Documentaries or Action movies

SPORT:  Baseball and Soccer

BEVERAGE:  Brandy or Tequila

FOOD:  Waffles

ANIMAL: Snake

SEASON:  Summer

FAMILY, RELATIONSHIPS, ETC.

MOTHER: Antonia Martinez (Rodriguez)  

FATHER:  Roberto Martinez, deceased

SIGNIFICANT OTHER:  none

SIBLING(S):  5 younger siblings, names and ages vague for future wc

CHILDREN:  TBD

PET(S): Ball Python named Slinky

PROMPT.

“ROUTINE”: violence tw, death tw

Ever since he was a teenager, Axel has worked at Roberto’s. At his father’s insistence to teach him some responsibility, as the owner, it was common for him to hire his children and other relatives because he didn’t trust anyone. When Roberto, his father, went to prison and was simultaneously killed while there, his business was given to his eldest son. Axel wasn’t very torn up about losing his father, it made his life significantly easier and allowed him to take over the role as head of the Martinez family. Something he’d been well prepared for and while he wasn’t the nicest guy, he wasn’t the psychopath Roberto was. At least, he didn’t think he was. 

With his father gone, his days started with the sun (if he even got to bed the night before). He opened the convenient store, put the money in the till for the starting shift and made sure everything was turned on and stocked from the night before. Once the first shift comes in, he usually heads to the back to double check that everything is locked up and set up for the next shift. After that is usually when he gets word of anything Valencia needs him to do that day. Even though he’s not a soldier anymore, he likes to keep busy so he picks up slack where he can. If not, he starts checking in on his younger siblings and making sure they are doing what they’re supposed to be doing and staying out of trouble. If he doesn’t have anything pressing to get done, he heads to the gym to do his usual workout and possibly some sparring to keep his endurance at peak along with his fighting technique. Afterwards, he hits up Ridge Roasters if he’s going to the North side of town and gets his coffee with a random pastry to go. Otherwise, he heads to Blue Hill Diner for a proper breakfast and chats with the staff there or scrolls through his phone. He heads back to the convenient store if they need him, otherwise he heads home for a nap or just to relax. Most days he can trust his shift supervisors or the manager to finish up the rest of the day at Roberto’s. Only on occasion does he have to cover a shift or go in to change the cash register for a shift. 

By five or six in the evening, Axel crosses the threshold of St. Peters and takes a spot at the bar. If he feels like dinner, he gets something to eat. Otherwise he has a few drinks to pass the time and watches the environment. If he’s lucky, he catches something that isn’t supposed to be happening in Redridge without approval and brings it to a higher up. Otherwise, he wastes some time before Rogue’s opens and he can go watch the fights for the night. By the time it’s his turn to get in the ring, he’s usually itching to start fighting. He’s not one to get excited about much, but once he gets sight of his ‘opponent’ a wide shark-like smile will spread across his face. Axel loves the work he gets to do with Valencia and if he could do more he would. Fighting and getting rid of people was something he specialized in, he was damn good at it, too. If he was lucky, he brought someone home with him at the end of the night. If not, he has another drink and heads back to his house to watch something on the television or, if he’s even luckier, gets a few hours of sleep before he has to wake up and repeat it all the next day. 

“REMINISCENCE”:  violence tw, alcohol tw, blood tw, death tw

“Not everyone gets to just blurt out how the feel about whoever or whatever on a fuckin’ whim, dude.” Axel spoke into his glass, the third brandy making his voice hoarse. Stuck in the reverie that his best friend had pulled from him. That afternoon they’d gotten the news that his father was found dead in the showers that morning. He was out celebrating. That man had never done anything for anyone, nothing good at least and definitely not any of his kids. Axel looked at the brown liquid in his glass and swirled it around. “Remember back in high school, that kid Jake who used to hang around sometimes?” He asked, eyes still on the glass. “We used to mess around or whatever. I was young and stupid.” He shook his head, knowing at twenty-five he wasn’t exactly old but he was a lot older than he was then. “Anyways, it had been a few months and I started talkin’ a big game like I was the boss of my house. My papi didn’t give a shit what I did or who I was with and all that. We stopped at Roberto’s after school to get some snacks or whatever. You know, same shit different day.” Axel paused and let out a slow sigh. The alcohol was getting to his head and loosening his tongue to reveal shit he’d never talked about with anyone. Most people knew his father was a prick that was quick to correct his children with his hands rather than his words, but Axel didn’t ever make it seem like it bothered him. He sure as hell didn’t let on that he harbored a great fear of the man. “We were at the counter paying, right in front of my dad and Jake tried to lean in for a kiss or somethin’ to say thank you or some shit. I just freaked out, I didn’t know what to do because that shit wasn’t goin’ to fly with Roberto Martinez. Not one of his kids. So, I pushed him away and beat his ass bloody right there for all the world to see.” He didn’t want his dad to do it and if he thought for a second that Axel was into guys he would probably shoot him on the spot. Definitely would have gotten rid of him in one way or the other. Even if he still liked girls, too. “My brother had to pull me off of him. I was so fuckin’ scared man, I just kept hittin’ him. He had to go to the hospital and his parents didn’t even press charges, they straight pulled him out of school. I never even saw him again.” Axel finished off his glass and exhaled the burn it left in his throat and chest. “Out of all the people I’ve beat in my lifetime, all the shit I’ve done, man. That’s the only one I regret. But you know the sad part?” He let out a bitter laugh. “If I could go back and do it over, I’d still beat his ass. What the fuck does that say about me?” Axel shut up after that, didn’t even really pay attention to what his friend had to say about any of it. He drowned himself in a bottle and had no idea how he got home at the end of the night. 

BACKGROUND. ( abuse tw, death tw, violence tw)

Born and raised in Redridge, oldest of six children. Some of his siblings still live in Redridge, others have left and spread around the country. He has a large extended family. They live all over the country, Mexico, and South America.

His father was a very strict man and ran his household with an iron fist. He believed his children should be seen and not heard. If one of them were to step out of line, show defiance, or generally make him angry in any way, he normally responded by correcting them physically instead of with words. He owned Roberto’s, which he started before Axel was born. Roberto was also a member of Valencia working up from street rat to lieutenant. He was arrested when Axel was twenty and died in prison when he was twenty-five.

Antonia, his mother, was a reserved woman. She was hard-working and loved her children. However, she listened to her husband and he was the head of the household. When Roberto went to prison, Axel took over the role of head of the household. His mother fell ill in his late twenties and currently lives in an assisted living facility in Redridge. Axel visits her regularly.

As for his siblings, he keeps up with all of them. One attends the community college and he is adamant that they keep up with their grades and continue their education. He keeps in almost daily touch with each and every one of them and adores his nieces and nephews. Whenever he can visit, he makes a point to but hates to fly so it is usually only once or twice a year at most for those who live outside of Nevada. 

School wasn’t Axel’s strong suit. He could never focus and everything just made him feel like he was stupid when he knew he wasn’t stupid. He just wasn’t book smart. So he dropped out right before eleventh grade and worked at Roberto’s. As soon as he was able to, he joined Valencia as a street rat and moved up the ranks to Bone-breaker once he had proven himself. However, he enjoys doing soldier work still so he will pick up any spare jobs if they are available.

As far as romance goes, Axel has never been with anyone long. He enjoys both women and men and their company, but he has a hard time letting anyone past his walls. The few times he has tried, he fucked it up in one way or another. So, he stays single and just holds casual relationships. 

He loves to fight and he is good at making people disappear, getting jobs done efficiently, and intimidation. Axel is very loyal to Valencia.

Currently, he is always on the move. He doesn’t like to be idle for long. So he is either doing work for Valencia or Roberto’s, moving around town, drinking at a bar, eating somewhere, fighting at Rogue’s, at the gym, watching fights, or sleeping in between any of those activities. 

WANTED CONNECTIONS.

Friends With Benefits/One-night Stands (unlimited): He likes physical activity and touch, he tries to pick people up often and especially after a fight. This could have been happening for a long time or just a night or be brand new. 

Best Friend (0/1): This person knows him better than anyone. They just get him and is likely the only person he’s ever opened up to. 

Close Friends (0/6): These people know him better than most, but he probably has only opened up about one or two things to them. He trusts these people and likes to be around them.

Employees: Anyone who wants to work at Roberto’s

Budding Romance (0/1): could be a fwb that progresses, someone who’s always been around but neither of them made the move to advance it past anything.

Enemies: Self explanatory, but they always butt heads in one way or another. Possibly have fought in the past, but definitely never have anything nice to say about one another.

Past relationships (0/4): People who tried to break through his walls and didn’t get through. Or they just didn’t work out for any multitude of reasons.

Pinterest: https://www.pinterest.com/kitmeowza/c-axel-martinez/

#redridgeimp #intro #; about #//have my child #//hope this is okay

[itszephoria]

Saw this pop up and your followers ask you which ones they’re interested in. But people don’t really ask much when I post or they don’t ask the ones that might make you feel uncomfortable. And well, honestly I’m so bored that I’ve decided to break all the damn rules and just answer all the questions because I can. *shock horror*

So information dump on the ‘Be nosy’ that popped up in my feed today. If you’re interested.

Be nosy

1. What’s your sexual orientation? 

Straight. But maybe for the right woman I could sway but wouldn’t go so far as to call myself bi or bi-curious though.

2. What are you obsessed with right now? 

Obsessively obsessing about my health and how to get well and failing it all. Oh and anime movies on Netflix.

3. Ever done any drugs?

I do drugs everyday. But I assume this is referring to illegal. No and was strictly no up until recently. I now take marijuana oil on a regular basis for pain management. Also being stoned/high is not pleasant and I don’t understand why people would enjoy that as a leisurely pastime.

4. What piercings do you want?

I want to get my ears pierced again. Holes have closed up, but currently due to my health that’s not possible. I can’t even enjoy clipons :(

5. How many people have you kissed?

The massive number of 5.

6. Describe your dream home.

It’s tiny in the sense it has all the space I need. A cosy tiny-like home. But not one on wheels, fixed to the ground. And it would be made of all natural materials, stone and wood. It would be unique and resemble something out of a fairy tale. It would sit a beautiful clearing with only nature to view in the distance and all the animals and wildlife would stay well away because I’m pretty much terrified of all it, 

7. Who are you jealous of?

Healthy, painfree people. I am jealous of past me who didn’t realise how lucky she was and miss her.

8. What’s your favorite show to binge?

I don’t binge any show on repeat. I’d rather look for a new show to watch or enjoy, there are so many. The last shows I binged in two days was Queen’s Gambit and Emily in Paris.

9. Do you watch porn?

Yep. But struggle with it because it’s overdramatic, unrealistic and would kill or someone to make porn with a decent storyline with people that can act. 

I prefer to read it if I’m honest or maybe just write it for myself.

10. Do you have a secret sideblog?

Sort of? More like my other one I used I was known for all my slash writings in F1. But now I just hang out here.

11. If you could teleport anywhere in the world right now, where would you go?

No where. The world is riddled with co-vid and well, I’m probably in one of the safest countries and I’m at risk of death should I catch it. So I’ll stay here in my safe bubble.

12. What’s one of your fantasies?

I wake up tomorrow and I’m not me. I wake up and I can take a deep breath without gasping for air, I wake up in no pain, I wake up and my body isn’t terribly scared, I wake up and can have a ‘normal’ life.

13. Do you have/would you get your nipples pierced?

Nope and no desire too. Won’t that just hurt?

14. How would you spend a million dollars?

I’d by that dream house I described, set everything up to be self sufficient. Pay and travel to try every cure available for my diseases. And then bank the rest and live off interest. Or maybe donate it. I don’t want money and I don’t really want a lot of things.

15. Are you in a relationship?

Yep and it’s a struggle and am constantly fighting to prove it’s worth continuing. Oh and that’s a relationship with myself.

16. Do you follow porn blogs?

No.

17. Are you angry with anyone right now?

No, I suppose it’s more disappointed and let down by people more than angry. I’m working everyday on letting it go but it’s not easy.

18. What tattoos do you want?

I have always wanted one, but have never found something that I really loved and haven’t been imaginative enough to create something unique. The older I get though, I’m not sure I want one. I did for the longest time though think about getting a Ferrari tattooed on my inner wrist, but pleased I never did that. I don’t love the sport or Ferrari enough anymore to want a permanent reminder of that.

19. If you could change your name, would you? What would you change it to?

I am changing name actually. Hoping to action that in the next two weeks. I would have done it earlier but they closed the borders. I have a dutch sir name that has two words. It confuses every one, systems don’t get it, it has caused issues with plane tickets. And well I’ve decided no more and am dumping a portion of it.

20. What is something you’re obsessed with?

This is a duplicate. Skipping.

21. Describe your best friend.

When you meet her for the first time she can be a little crazy and wild, and she kind of scared at me first because she’s so unlike me. But as you got to know her, the *real* her she doesn’t let people see, you realise how kind and soft she is, and she’s the most empathic person I have known. She gives so much of herself to everyone, thinks so little of herself and her needs because she’s one of the most selfless people I know. I love her more than most of my family and would do anything for her.

22. Tag someone you think is hot.

Is this followers? Uh most I don’t know what they look like? I assume they’re all hot!

23. Who are five of your favorite bands/musical artists?

Don’t have any really. My music is varied and is based on my mood and really changes around. And with most bands, I generally lean towards one or two songs. This is one of those questions I really struggle with whenever I see it. Will say however, have been enjoying The Beatles recently and a bit of old school stuff.

24. What are three places you want to travel?

Japan. Norway. Canada.

25. Describe your perfect Friday night.

Generally hanging out with people I like. Enjoying a good wine, some cheese, either playing some board game or dungeons and dragons, or watching a really good movie. Good company makes any night a good night.

26. What’s your favorite season?

Autumn. One because I think it’s neglected as a choice and every season should be loved, and two because I love the colours of autumn and the colours associated with autumn. 

27. What’s your pet peeve?

I’m sure I have a heap of them, but currently it’s people that have an issue with you and instead of being an adult and talking to you about them choose to silence and blank you. I’m so tired of it, I’ve quit being peacemaker in those situations, those people are no longer worthy in my book.

28. Who is the funniest person you know?

Uh... I don’t think anyone I know is super funny. Friends and family all have a good sense of humor. But out of my circle of life people I’m always told I’m the funny one, which I find the biggest joke ever. 

29. What’s the most overrated movie?

Can not think of anything off the top of my head. I will say if I think a movie is getting too much hype I refuse to watch it, whether all the reviews are raving or not. It’s why I didn’t watch Harry Potter for like ten years or any of the new Star Wars movies. I just refuse to be apart of all the hype and jump on bandwagons.

30. Tag someone you want to talk to but have been too shy to message.

I’d love to talk to everyone. I’m shy to start any conversations to be honest and I think all the people I talk to regularly were the first to message me, and I love them for it.

31. Do you like paper books or ebooks better?

100% love an old fashioned paper book. The texture of the paper. The smell of a book. That being said, I don’t think I’ve picked up a proper book to read in years. I live in fan fiction more than anything or am busy writing myself.

32. If you could live in a fictional world, what world would you pick?

Any of the disney worlds, anything from the past, or verging on fantasy like. I want a simpler time not full of technology which I grow to hate more each day. The older I get the more I’m pretty sure I’ve been born in the wrong decade.

33. If money was no object, what would your wardrobe be like?

I’d build the perfect wardrobe capsule. Everything would be of high quality, not necessarily brand name and all the clothes would be sourced from ethical businesses or be handmade.

I like classic pieces, love the fashion of the 50′s and 60s and while stylish it would be comfortable to wear and everything could be worn in public (sorry comfy tracky pants).

34. What’s your coffee order?

There ain’t no coffee order. I don’t drink it. Sorry @leoni-speedyf1 I know how addicted you are to it, happy to buy you anything you like though :P

35. Do you have a crush on anyone?

In real life? No one.

36. Do you still have feelings for any of your exes?

Not romantic. I have feelings in that I hope they’re doing well, achieving what they want and they’re all happy. I didn’t have any ‘bad’ breakups and all my relationships ended very amicably.

37. Have any tattoos?

No. See above for more on this.

38. Do you drink?

Rarely. Can’t with medication and condition. But on occasion I do enjoy a good glass of red. Pinot Noir is my preference. 

39. Are you a virgin?

Nope.

40. Do you have a crush on any of your mutuals?

Not in a romantic way? The ones I talk to regularly I love immensely though.

41. How many followers do you have?

99

42. Describe the hottest person you know.

Uh all the men I know I am not attracted to. Probably a good thing as they’re either family or partnered with a friend or family member.

43. What’s your guilty pleasure?

Can’t think of anything. I try not to feel guilt for anything I enjoy to be honest, whether it’s food or an activity. Life is too short for that.

44. Do you read erotica?

Yep. Even write it.

45. What’s the worst date you’ve ever been on?

It was a few years back. I met this guy online and we went to the city and spent most of that time just strolling next to the river for our first meet up. Why was it the worst date ever? Well it wasn’t the location that’s for sure.

The guy had two kids, and I’m a firm believer all parents have favourites, though I have yet to meet a parent that will voice that aloud. This guy, had no qualms with telling me about this favourite kid, and that wouldn’t be a problem if didn’t spend just as much putting down his younger son. It kind of left me reeling and wondering how his son felt if his dad didn’t hide just how much he didn’t like him as a person. The kid was four and the reason his dad didn’t like him was because he didn’t like bikes.

And so the guy was a bmx rider so he spent the rest of the time on our walk just pointing out all the tricks he could do. He didn’t ask about me, only talked about himself. It was also lunch time and assumed we would get something to eat together, but nope, no food was offered. And when I suggested to get something to drink because it was so hot and we’d been out in the sun for like an hour, he just took me to a subway and told me to get a drink and waved me to the line. No offer to join me, no offer to pay (which doesn’t bother me btw, but this was capping off a terrible day), no offer to get food.

I was so happy to get out of there. Didn’t speak to him again once I had left.

46. How many people do you follow?

I currently follow 59 people. I don’t follow anyone that creates drama, and try and follow only people that post about F1 as that’s all I use tumblr for now.

47. If you could marry any celebrity, who would you pick?

Either Sebastian Vettel or Ryan Reynolds. Both are married though, so I don’t think that’s going to turn into a reality anytime soon.

48. Describe your ideal partner.

I want someone that shares the same core values as me. Doesn’t want kids, isn’t super religious (grew up in a cult like religion so I avoid it now), is on the minimalist side and isn’t someone that needs new things things all the time or is desperate to replace something the moment they deem it out of date. Someone that doesn’t live their life on social media. Someone that prefers simple things, someone who is kind and giving, and someone that truly loves me - and it’s the last part that I struggle with finding more than anything with all the guys I have dated. 

I am currently not looking for a partner, I am not in a place for a relationship and am fully focused on myself. And I am very content with that decision.

49. Who do you text the most?

Currently my bestie.

50. What’s your favorite kind of weather?

Clear blue skies and a warm day to enjoy the sun. But there are times when I simply love the rain, hearing it on the room, watching it fall endlessly and knowing that everything will be green from it.

#all about me #long read #tried to be open and honest

[things-we-used-tc-share]

Guiding Light

Warnings: Coming Out, Struggles with sexuality and gender, religion

Ship: Remile

Plot: Remy is struggling to come out, but he bites the bullet anyway, reinstating that throughout everything he has always been, to Emile, the bravest person he’s ever known. 

(In which Emile is a flowery British boy and Remy is a badass Maltese and Catholic trans man)

--

“Relate to my youth,

Well I’m still in awe of you,

Discover some new truth,

That was always wrapped around you,”

-Guiding Light, Mumford and Sons

--

Remy has always been bad at his religion. Growing up on a small island in the Mediterranean infamous for its lack of giving a shit about everyone else’s feelings, he’d entered professional boxing in which he’d kicked the shit out of other people at the age of twelve. He was good at fighting, he enjoyed fighting. Growing up with a female body in a world full of men, being able to fight was a good thing. Yet, the realization that he’s not a girl still came with its shocked in the perspective of Catholicism. 

He’d met Emile whilst studying abroad, the two had clicked very well despite Remy’s rather clumsy, heavily accented English of which, only really became clumsy because the cutest, most wonderful ray of sunshine of a boy, with bright blue hair started to talk to him about saving the environment. He forgot how to speak for a few seconds, his brain hitting panic mode with those bright blue eyes staring at him through rose tinted glasses. When he finally spoke his words came out in the wrong order. 

Emile taught him a lot about gender and sexuality that he did not know, in multiple ways, as well as the idea that his religious identity didn’t have to clash with his sexual orientation and gender. In turn, Remy taught Emile self-defense and also the main ways to stun and/or knock out someone. 

Emile likes flowers, he believes the world is a God in its own right. Remy believes God is a person but at this point, he’s leaning to the idea that God has to be a woman because men don’t create things as beautiful as Emile. The elder, full of roses and pastel cardigans, was a beautiful breath of fresh air in a toxic world. And the younger, whose outfits consisted of leather and ripped skinny jeans, clashes brilliantly next to him.

The definition of opposites attract.

And now Remy can’t stop fidgeting on the plane, toying with the short black stands of his hair and fidgeting under the warmth of his binder. He’d tried writing a text, anything, but nothing felt right. Somehow he feels just a little bit braver with a glass of JD down his throat and Emile holding his hand. 

His parents greet him at the airport. His father is ex-navy, chubby and jovial, with his hair thinning and skin dark, his mother a brown-haired woman with a kind face and much lighter skin. They greet their son with hugs and warmth, and Remy has to try not to think about the fact that this love may wear off soon and that it comes with terms and conditions that he’s never read. Suddenly, life is a Twitter account and he’s never once checked the Terms of Service.

“You’re shaking,” Emile whispers as they trail behind Remy’s parents “Breathe,” They at least, already love this flowery man with vines and roses tattooed up his arms and now bright purple curls. Meeting Emile is usually a test to people’s conservatism, he’s hardly a picture of societal masculinity. 

No, Emile is far too kind to conform to society.

Remy helps his dad with the cases and holds the door open to the car for Emile because they’re used to this rhythm in their relationship. Emile would do anything to make the other man’s life easier but he’d have to beat Remy to it first.

Sat around the dinner table, they say grace the way they do every time they sit down for dinner. Remy has to admit it’s been so long since he’d prayed but he’s thankful now he has the chance because if there’s ever a time to beg God for help it’s now. Eating, his father asks him through his deadname how University is going, if his studies are progressing. “Top marks all around,” He replies with a smile that chews on a name he’s not heard in a couple of years. “Doing great,”

“And how’s your mental health doing, sweetheart, you told us you were seeing a doctor over there?” Remy smiles and nods.

“Good, I started medication for it,” His mother smiles, pleased with his answer.

“Always happy to hear my baby is happy,” She beams as she digs into a meal she prepared. Traditional family roles, but not really forced, his dad tried very hard to cook and he could...basic meals. His mother had been raised by a chef and her cooking was one he’d pay millions to eat. She’d always said the fastest way to a man’s heart is through their stomach and as far as his dad was concerned, she was not wrong. Remy’s dad loved food, he loved trying to make it too. Remy inherited his father’s love for food and also his mother’s ability to cook it so it’s a win-win situation.

His dad had taught him how to fight instead, taught him how to stay active, to fend for himself. People always used to tell his dad that his weight would get in his way, but he’s one of the healthiest men Remy knows. He’s active, loves to walk, he’d never been skinny and could still kick ass. Remy adores his dad. And his mum. 

He and Emile help his mum do the dishes whilst his dad clean up the kitchen tops and table. When they sit down to watch TV, Remy finally decides he can’t handle a moment longer of their love if it’s only on one condition. 

“Ma, Pops, there’s something I need to tell you,”

There’s a moment of silence as he stands up and Emile gives him a small smile but for the first time in his life...Remy feels so small, so powerless, so afraid. Tears are already in his eyes as the TV is muted and all eyes are on him, he can see the understanding on his mother’s face before he’s even opened his mouth. “I’ve been trying to...to figure out...” He stammers, stumbles, every word he’s ever known both in his native tongue and English vanish completely. “I’ve been trying to figure out how to tell you, I wanted to tell you before I went to university, I wanted to tell you via text or email and now I just can’t handle not telling you,”

Tears track his cheeks and he chokes on his words. Even as a child he’d never been much of a crier, he very rarely cried at all but then again his parents had always loved him so much and he’d always been quite spoiled despite the little money they had. “I’m not a girl,” He can’t breathe. “I’m a boy,” He really can’t breathe, he feels like he’s choking, the weight of the cross around his neck is digging into his skin. 

“Oh honey,” His mum smiles, standing up to wrap his arms around him “I’ve had a feeling this day would come,” He bursts into tears against her, feeling like a child all over again as he gasps for breath “When you were little you used to say to me ‘mama I don’t want to be a girl,’ and for a while I thought it was simply because it’s a man’s world and you understood that too much,” He shakes a little, his legs feeling weak. “But as you got older I understood a little more, I even did research because there isn’t much here to help me understand,” Remy sniffles and wipes his eyes, exhaling shakily. “But no matter who you are, or what you are, you are always my child, and I will always love you, I love you more each and every time I learn how you’ve grown,”

Remy’s dad stands up, his face with a firm look as he holds out an arm for his son. “God makes no mistakes, son,” He says gently “You are who you are because of how he made you, and that is how he wanted you to be,” Remy nods against the other man’s chest “And you will be a better man than I could have been, back in my day they used to make more fun of people like you, it always felt wrong but I would never try to defend, as I got older I realized I should defend, and you, you are braver than I could have ever been because you embrace who you are despite what people may tell you,”

Emile smiles at the family, legs crossed as he leans his elbows on his knees and chin rested against the palm of his hands. “And you, son,” Remy’s father turns to him as he looks up at older man “Thank you for taking good care of my kid, we worry sometimes with,” He takes a moment to correct his own mind “Him, being so far away, but now I know for certain he’s in good hands, and you are always welcome to our table, I don’t care what your sexuality is, or where you come from, or who you worship, unless you want to talk about that is, I’d love to get to know my son’s boyfriend more, of course, it’s only proper, but you are always welcome here,”

Emile nods “Thank you, sir,”

“I go by Remy now,” Remy says quietly “It’s what people call me,” 

“Remy, I like it, very Latin,” His mother beams that motherly smile, her eyes full of tears and pride and warmth. “You know I’m a fan of good French names, you stuck to the theme,” Remy laughs and nods, wiping his eyes. 

And Emile, Emile who had been there through the confusion and fear and worries. Who had sat through every written and deleted text for the past two years, he couldn’t have been prouder at that moment. With his boyfriend wiping his eyes and nose and blinking his big brown eyes full of care over at the other man, a quiet thank you on his lips. Remy would always be the person he looked up to the most, not fearless but full of fear and he lets it drive him through every moment of his life. Not without Anxiety, to brimming with it, and despite that he was still brave in the face of it. 

Remy really would forever be his guiding light, the precedence set for his own bravery. And, the love of his life.

--

@analogical-mess // @unikornavenger // @mycatshuman // @creativity-killed-thekitten// @theresneverenoughfandoms // @charmingprincey //  @aclickonapostwillchangeyourlife // @heck-im-lost//@k9cat//@stilljittery//@romansleftshoulderpad // @sanderssideslibrary // @max-is-tired //@therealmoshar// @punsterterry // @trashypansexual// //@demigodnamedathena //@sevencrashing// @misunderstood-shadow//@aphriteblack // @jemthebookworm//@sandersandthesides //@penguinkool//@georganabanana // @importantrunawaystudentstuff // @ao-koshka// @dangerous-doodle // @river-waterfall // @hell-or-high-waters // @no-sleep-gang-posts//  @wxlcomxtothxjunglx //@marshmallow-the-panda // @flix-net

#cartoon therapy #ts shorts #remile

[eyesfixedonthesun22]

First Impressions

Summary: With the multiverse now in play, we visit an alternate universe where Steve Rogers is America’s first bisexual contestant on the ever popular and never lacking dating show, The Bachelor. Nick Fury is your illustrious host through the shocking announcement, contestant biographies, and the first night in the mansion. Only one question remains; who will get the first impression rose on what is promised to be the most dramatic season ever!? Pairing: Steve x Avengers Warning(s): Language. Kissing. A hell of a lot of cringe and bachelor/bachelorette tropes. Word Count: 3,238 Beta: The darling sweetheart @supersoldiersruined-me Notes: This is my entry to @revengingbarnes 10K writing challenge. My prompt was a Bachelor AU. Thank you so much for hosting this, Fatima! This prompt was honestly a challenge for me. I wasn’t sure which point of view and formatting I wanted. It’s certainly unlike anything I’ve ever written. Please no one hate me if I made your fav annoying. I just wanted to fit in as many bachelor personality tropes. The fic isn’t an actual representation of my thoughts on each character. 

Live Studio Audience: Intro

“Good evening and welcome to this exciting season of The Bachelor. I’m Nick Fury, your host for tonight.” The studio audience erupts into choreographed uproar. “Looks like Bachelor Nation is out in full force tonight. Are you all ready for what I promise is our most dramatic season ever?”

Nick commands the stage with a casual grace that only comes from years of hosting. “Last season you all watched as the beautiful bombshell Peggy Carter embarked on her quest for love; which she found with her now fiance. While we wish her the best of luck with her engagement, we couldn’t help be as heartbroken as you all were when a particular fan favorite was booted just before hometown dates. Let’s take a look at this season’s Bachelor!”

Broadcast: Steve’s Bio

“My name is Steve Rogers. I’m twenty-six years old. Born and raised in Brooklyn. You may know me from Peggy Carter’s season of The Bachelorette.”

The audience is treated with a montage of Steve at home in Brooklyn. He walks down the street to a corner bodega on a spring day; smiling and greeting the owner at the counter like they’re old friends. The old tabby cat sat on the counter near the register curls into his hand as he scratches behind her ears.

“A little known fact about me is that I really love cooking.” The next shot is him cooking a large family style meal in a stunning modern kitchen. The black hexagon tiles frame the close up of the saute pan as he flips the food; clearly practiced. The camera zooms in once more for a close up shot of Steve’s large calloused hands making deft work of chiffonading the basal to top his culinary masterpiece. As far as lusting goes, the depiction of Steve as the bachelor is a lot less macho and hits more boy-next-door.

“Things didn’t quite work out with Peggy and I. While we’re kindred souls, I think it just wasn’t the right time.” Steve’s no longer shown at home in his cozy apartment but in a carefully crafted video confessional booth.

The audience hears the producer’s voice off screen, “Do you think you’re over her? Are you ready for love?”

“Definitely. I learned a lot from Peggy. I learned who I am and what I need from a relationship. I’m ready for the whole damn thing. I want a partner, I want kids. I like pretty pedestrian, domestic things.” He looks down at his lap, almost as if he’s embarrassed. “I like ceremony. I wanna carve pumpkins and do the tree at christmas; all that.”

“Anything else you’d like to add to your intro?” The producers prompt. Steve’s broad shoulders straighten and take up much of the booth; his body tense with nervous energy which he masks with a radiant smile. He takes a deep breath before looking the camera dead in the eye.

“I’m Steve Rogers… and I’m the first bisexual Bachelor.”

Live Studio Audience:

The audience goes wild; homemade signs wave, men and women alike scream their delight. Nick Fury stands in the small center stage waiting for the crowds applause to dissipate.

“So needless to say, this season will be unlike anything you’ve ever seen before.” He smirks at the camera knowingly. “Before we jump back into tonight’s episode, would you guys like to hear from America’s sweetheart himself?” More incoherent cheering. “Let’s bring him on out!”

Steve appears from behind the crimson velvet curtain waving sheepishly. They’ve slicked back his locks doing nothing to detract from the classic bachelor look. He unbuttons the slim navy suit jacket as Fury gestures for him to sit on the small interview couch.

“Welcome, Steve. How ya feeling tonight?”

“Not gonna lie, Nick. I feel super nervous.” He fidgets in the seat a bit; rubbing the flats of his palms on the tops of his thighs. “Being the bachelor is one thing. Being the first bisexual bachelor is another.”

“Well I’m not sure about you guys, but I thought it was about time!” Nick’s enthusiasm draws more cheering from the crowd. “We got to know you on Peggy’s season and America just fell in love with you. You’re such a great guy; so genuine and compassionate.”

“Thank you, really, thank you. I honestly was terrified to be the first bisexual man on the show. Being the bachelor has always traditionally been typecast as a very specific type of man; one that I didn’t really see myself fitting into. So to be given this opportunity to find love and to have the support that I’ve gotten since the announcement has been beyond my wildest dreams.”

“You ready to jump into your season?”

“As ready as I’ll ever be.”

“While Steve may be our first bisexual bachelor, you can expect not much to change on the show. Each week contestants will be eliminated at a traditional rose ceremony. We’ll still have the first impression rose, hometown dates, and the always anticipated fantasy suits!”

Fury eyes Steve hoping to make him squirm a bit. Steve manages to make his sinful blush look composed while he chuckles.

“Without further ado let’s meet the delightful men and women vying for a spot in Steve’s heart.”

Broadcast: Contestant Bios

“My name? Tony Stark. Don’t worry about having your little design guys whip me a tagline; I’m certain no one needs it. Household name n’ all.” A smirking brunette stares directly into the camera and winks. He’s wearing rose tinted sunglasses despite the dimmed lighting of the interview space. “So what do you wanna know?”

The producers sigh before proceeding. “Tell us a bit about yourself.”

The camera stays in the testimonial booth but now a blonde women occupies the seat. Unlike the previous occupant she isn’t slouching but sits with excellent posture and poise.

“My name is Sharon McCarter. I’m an agent for the Strategic Homeland Intervention, Enforcement, and Logistics Division. I need someone who’s ready for a fast paced lifestyle. My job keeps me on my toes.”

“What did you think when Steve was announced as the bachelor? What did you think of him being bisexual?”

“Honestly?” Sharon pauses a bit buffudled. “He seems a bit more clean cut then the guys I usually go for.” She looks at the camera with a hesitant smile.

“What would you say your passion is?”

“Fitness. Fitness and health, for sure.” The booth is now overwhelmed with an exceptionally huge man. His long blonde hair falls to his shoulders with delicate braids mixed into his locks. “I’m Thor Odinson. I own and operate Odinsons Gym with my brother Loki.”

“How would you describe yourself as a partner. What could Steve expect?”

Thor continues in his deep voice. It carries subtle hint of an accent not from the states, “Steve could expect the rough sexiness of a pirate mixed with the pure innocence of an angel; the perfect boyfriend if you ask me.”

“What kind of partner do you hope to be for Steve?”

“An attentive one. I’m a scientist by profession.” The tagline on the screen says that the brunette with the tossed curls currently answering his interview questions is Bruce Banner. “A good part of my job is being detail oriented and focused. I’d like to think I bring that same level of attentiveness and sensitivity to my partner.”

Live Studio Audience:

“Welcome back, Bachelor Nation! It looks like Steve has a great batch of men and women who couldn’t be more excited to get their journey started. Let’s see how Steve get’s along navigating his first night in Bachelor Mansion.

Show Footage:

The camera pans across a gorgeous california night sky and comes to land on Steve standing in front of Bachelor Mansion. They have him perfectly centered between two backlit trees with the ornate floral fountain babbling as a soundtrack. He fidgets with his plain black tie waiting for the first limo to pull up. He stares into the camera and mouths a very endearing “What do I do with my hands!”

From that moment on, it’s a parade of individuals dressed to the nines. The women stun in their gleaming and silky ball gowns. The men glow in their crisp suits. Each give their cheesy one liners to Steve before heading into the mansion.

A man named Phil, who insists that Steve call him Coulson, gives him a red, white, and blue sash emblazoned with the words America’s Sweetheart on it while wearing his own sash reading Mr. America. A women named Wanda introduces herself in a thick, sultry accent.

“Where are you from, Wanda?”

“Sakovia. I’m so excited to meet you. I look forward to teaching you about my culture and getting to know you better.”

After Wanda, the next person out of the limo is Clint. He makes a qippy one liner before sauntering into the mansion. A woman named Carol strolls confidently out of the limo nearly glowing in her crimson and gold gown. Next comes a bird. It’s not actually a bird; but rather a man in an oversized mascot type costume.

“Did you know that eagles mate for life?”

Steve stares at the camera for half a second as if questioning if the producers are serious. “I didn’t know that. Any chance I can see the eagle’s face? Or at least know his name?”

“We’ll save the pretty face for later, but the name is Sam.”

Steve takes a moment to compose himself after the bird’s introduction. The final woman exits the limo. She’s in a simple black dress that hugs her body dangerously. Her flame red hair cascades down one shoulder. Her introduction is clipped and to the point. Steve places a hand on her shoulder.

“Sorry I didn’t catch your name.”

Her face softens then. “It’s Natasha, but you can call me Nat.”

After the train of individuals Steve is looking more relaxed. He seems to have settled into his role with less nerves than when the show began. The final contestant steps out of the limo.

“Good evening, Steve. My name is James Barnes. You look so handsome tonight.”

Steve takes in the man across from him. He’s got equally broad shoulders as Steve; they’re nearly matched in height. He wears his silky brown locks at shoulder length with a dainty waterfall braid on one side. The baby blue of his pocket square matches his eyes.

“I can’t wait to get to know you, James.”

**************************************************************************************************

“Alright ladies and gentlemen, settle down. You all know who I am already,” Nick Fury is addressing all the contestants as they make themselves comfortable in the front living room at the mansion. “Steve! Why don’t you come on in here and get this cocktail party started?”

Steve enters the room gracefully. “I just want to thank you all for being here. I know that putting yourself out there in a new relationship is never easy; let alone in a situation like this one. It’s incredibly important to me that you all are your genuine selves. I wanna get to know the real you. Here’s to the start of something amazing!”

He raises his glass to a chorus of agreeing voices. There’s a half second of adjustment before Tony clasps Steve’s hand and tugs him away from the group.

“I’m gonna steal you first.”

Despite his depiction as an arrogant ass in his interview, Tony actually has a pleasant conversation with Steve. The audience is left wondering if Tony is the likeable wild card or this seasons possible obnoxious villain. Before Tony saunters off, he presses a deep kiss onto Steve’s lips.

“Had to get you first, handsome.” He winks and heads to the bar to refresh his drink.

Steve stares into the camera and states, “I guess we’re starting things off with a bang?”

**************************************************************************************************

Clint, being the critical observer, saunters over to the bar to find that Coulson is already posted up on one of the bar stools. It’s by sheer force of will that Coulson is upright as the lack of armrests and amount of alcohol he’s clearly consumed are working against him. Clint quickly surveys the situation and makes eye contact with the camera.

“How ya doin’ there Phil? Save some for us, huh?” Beneath the joke there is a hint of concern in his voice. It would appear the concern is warranted as Phil tips dangerously towards the edge of his seat before righting himself. The first stumble is corrected but the second lands him on the floor. “Whoa big guy. Can I get some help here? Producers? I think first night nerves may have lead Phil to throw back one too many.”

“No pro-hicc-ducers. I’m fine. I’m fiiiine,” Phil slurs. Despite Clint’s efforts to keep him upright he’s laying on the floor, cheek pressed firmly to the cold tile. “I just love Steve-hicc-so much. Ya know?”

“Sure you do buddy...sure you do?”

**************************************************************************************************

Steve speaks to Wanda, Bruce, and Thor in a series of rapid fire exchanges over the next couple of hours. After a warm conversation, Carol leaves Steve lounging on the plush chaise; promising that one day they’ll go stargazing together.

“No one told me these cocktail parties were so exhausting.” The camera crew chuckle. It’s endearing how much Steve utilizes them to break the tension. His unfiltered emotions only make him that much more of an approachable sweetheart. The makeup staff powder his face as Nick Fury approaches.

“We have about a half hour before the rose ceremony. Just a heads up. Any conversations you wanna have, have them now.”

Steve meanders through the expansive grounds. He’s clearly looking for something. He brushes off Thor asking for a second conversation with a polite excuse before take another turn in the winding paths.  He turns his head over his shoulder to ask the camera men which way back inside when he collides with something. Someone.

“It’s probably ill advised to get the attention of the man of your affections by knocking him on his ass, huh?” Bucky jokes. “I actually was coming to grab you for a conversation. I haven’t had a chance to talk to you all night.”

The two men are sat side by side, dress pants rolled up to their knees, while their legs swing gentle waves into the surface of the pool. Dusk has gone and night has come. They’ve been talking for some time now. They’ve both discarded their suit jackets but it’s done nothing to prevent the evening humidity from clinging their shirts to their muscles.

“I have to ask. I feel like I know you from somewhere.”

“Is that you cheesily telling me you feel like you’ve known me for one hundred years?” Steve asks in a singsong mocking tone.

“No! Punk! I’m serious though.” Bucky thinks for a moment before exclaiming, “Do you go to that bodega on the corner of Clark and Henry with Mr. O’Sullivan and his cat Maevie?”

“See I was having a great time chatting with you but now I have to send you home cause clearly you’re a stalker.”

“I knew it! You look...different?”

Steve chuckles gently. “I bulked up a bit for the show. Had to fit the ‘look’ ya know?”

“I feel like such an idiot for not talking to you sooner but I hadn’t seen you there in a long time. I usually go super late though.” Bucky looks down at his hands; there’s more to the statement than he’s letting on.

“Chatting with Mr. O’Sullivan is always a good way to pass the time when insomnia strikes.” Bucky looks up at Steve in shock. He’s ready to explain himself but Steve jumps up abruptly out of the pool. “I’ll be right back. Don’t leave.”

In Steve’s haste to stand, he’s soaked most of his dress pants all the way through. He follows the twists and turns of the gardens and seating areas. Natasha sees him approaching the bench she’s sat at with Wanda. She raises her hand to grab his attention but before she can even get his name out of her mouth his jogged past.

“He’s disappeared for nearly an hour, no one could find him, and then he’s just not gonna talk to the rest of us?” Disappointment clouds her features as she sits back down next to Wanda with a plop.

“I’m so excited to talk to him. He’s just got great energy-” Sam’s discussion with Bruce is cut off by Steve skidding into the living room; wet bare feet nearly have him knocked on his ass for the second time tonight. “There’s the man of the hour himself. Can I steal you?”

Sam stands confidently looking rather hopeful; bird costume now discarded. Steve does a double take eyeing him top to bottom. He rests both his hands on the top of Sam’s shoulders before speaking.

“I would love to have a conversation with you. There’s just one thing I have to do first.” With that Steve takes off once more. He sprints to the small side table in the entryway. On the table sits a delicate gold tray holding a single rose. He quickly snatches it before dashing back out to the pool.

“Hey now. You may be more beefed up but I’m certain your probably still capable of cracking your head open. Careful now.” Bucky tuts laughing at the breakneck pace. His laughter is quickly stifled when he sees what’s in Steve's open palm.

“James-”

“It’s Bucky. Everyone close to me calls me Bucky.”

“Bucky… coming into tonight I was terrified. I know that sounds like the typical monologue speech I have to give but I was near ready to toss my cookies out front when the limo first opened. I had no idea what to expect and had convinced myself I’d made a huge mistake putting myself out here.”

Bucky takes a single foot out of the water and tucks it beneath his body to better face Steve. The hand that isn’t holding the rose is fidgeting with a fold of fabric from his pants. Bucky reaches out and plants his palm on top of the blondes ceasing the movement. His thumb strokes small circles onto the back of Steve’s hand; it seems to allow Steve to continue with what he has to say.

“My anxiety was at an all time high and then out you came. Speaking to you tonight has been the first time since agreeing to be the bachelor that I feel like I’m doing something right. I want to thank you for putting me at ease and being your true self.”

“You’re welcome, punk.” The joking nickname sounds more affectionate than insult.

“Bucky, will you accept this rose?”

“I’d be honored.”

Steve untwines his hand to pin the crimson rose to Bucky’s lapel. His hands hesitate once the rose is in place as if debating their next action. There’s a half second pause before Steve gently tugs on Bucky’s tie drawing the brunette into a kiss.

Bucky can’t contain the wide smile despite Steve’s lips still being against his. He breaks the kiss and places a final peck on Steve’s forehead.

“I know this isn’t going to be easy for you. But anytime during this experience you never need to doubt who I am with you. I’m here to get to know you, support you, and hopefully fall in love with you. I’m with you ‘til the end of the line.”

#fatimas10kchallenge #Stucky #Stucky fanfic #Steve Rogers x bucky barnes #Steve rogers #bachelor AU #AU

[theglowstickchronicles]

Guys, I was HELLA behind on FMLS90- but I'm still in it! Just caught up :) while I was waiting for the grocery store to open. Now I am off with my reusable bags to get my food for the week before coming home and continuing chores. I want to get as much done as possible before FOOTBALL starts!!! We're playing Kansas City at 4:25 today (@fatmaninalittlesuit I'm sure you'll be watching this game as well!) and I am SO NERVOUS. We have been... trash, lately. Last week's game was atrocious. I wish I had planned better and tried to go to the game, even though it would probably be crazy expensive and super cold, because my football buddies are in California on a mini vacation (their 3rd this season compared to my 0) and I only have local cable at home.

Anyway, here it is:

• 11/18 - How does holiday food play a role in your fitness journey? Do you have any positive or negative traditions that impact your journey? Share one of both.

Well, this was probably supposed to be about Thanksgiving feasts but here we are on December 8th! Honestly, we don’t really have any “traditions” beyond getting together and sharing a meal. In hindsight this Thanksgiving was probably my best, calorie-wise, because my brother-in-law’s sister did most of the cooking and did a lot of sides with bacon incorporated into them and, since I’m vegetarian, I did not partake. I had some DELICIOUS food, don’t get me wrong, and she made a to-die-for caprese salad… but most of the apps had bacon and several of the sides. I ended up having cheese and crackers, french onion tartlets (SOOO GOOD), chips & dip, mashed potatoes, and a plethora of vegetable sides. It also helped that I had to work overnight Thursday into Friday so I couldn’t have any wine 

• 11/19 - How does holiday stress play a role in your fitness journey? Do you have any especially stressful situations that make your physical or mental journey tough? How do / will you handle them?

Holidays don’t really stress me out, if we’re being honest. As of Dec. 6 I just need to pick up some alcohol and then some giftcards for my cousin’s kids, and I’m done Christmas shopping. I start my shopping November 1 every year. I don’t mind seeing my family -they’re dramatic, just like everyone else, but compared to my job? A few hours of family drama time is nothing. I do tend to hoard a bottle of wine to myself for the holidays but I’m not sober during non-holiday times, either, so that doesn’t really come into play.

• 11/20 - What role do family and friends play in your holidays? Are these mostly positive or negative? What do you want to change about this?

Mostly positives! I hosted my second annual Friendsgiving this year and it was fantastic. The one downside was I had been up for 44 hours but I think it went well. Honestly the only “downside” to friends/family during holidays is having to be in such close quarters with people because as much as I love them, someone inevitably has germs.

• 11/21 - Do you notice and physical / mental changes around this time of year? Do you have any strategies to deal with them?

I am always a sleepy bitch, but more so during the winter months due to the lack of sun. This M-F, not getting home till 5-6 every night, office has no window life is bullshit. We always jokes that nightshift never sees the sun but dude, until you’ve gone 5 days without sunlight, don’t even @ me. I am extra careful about taking my vitamins during this time of the year because I really do notice a difference in energy and mood without them (I have some vitamin deficiencies NOT related to my diet thank you).

• 11/22 - How do work / school commitments / events this time of year differ for you? Can this be used to your advantage in your fitness journey or are there steps you can take to minimize the challenges?

In the fall we have annual mandatory education at work which can be stressful but other than that, work does not change. This year was a little different because I picked up a second job and had orientation and have been working a lot to save up money for my many endeavors over the next 2 years (sister’s bridal shower / bachelorette /wedding, best friend’s bridal shower / bachelorette / wedding, everyone is turning 30 and wants to go all out -me included- wanting to go on more vacations, wanting to do a 29th birthday somethingl… the list is endless…. Lol)

• 11/23 - Do you have any plans to travel this year? If so, describe the challenges that creates and how you will handle them. If not, what can you do at home to set yourself up for success?

One semi-definite plan is my sister’s bachelorette in 2020! I don’t know when or where we’re going, but we’re going- which reminds me, I need to get my passport in case it ends up being Canada! I also would like to do a small trip for my 29th birthday. Originally I wanted to take a week off (I am close to vacation time caps at work) but we are OF COURSE having a new system go-live 6 days after my birthday and I’m like, top 5 most important people for the go-live. So we shall see. Perhaps a 3-day weekend for president’s day somewhere close?

• 11/24 - Share one tip with the community on how to stay healthy during the holidays.

I feel like any time I have to share a tip with the community I share the same one, but there it is: PREPARATION. For instance I have not meal prepped in 3 weeks and IT SHOWS. I’ve been feeling sluggish and gross, not working out like I should be, and not sleeping as well…. PREPARATION IS KEY!!!

• 11/25 - What are your general thoughts on gratitude and the role it plays in your mental health and happiness?

Being in healthcare puts a new perspective on gratitude. I’m answering this hella late so it’s not actually 11/25 and is several weeks post-Thanksgiving, but… yesterday I watched a daughter unexpectedly lose her mother in the worst possible way. She walked into the room and almost immediately told us to stop doing CPR. I am grateful for my family being here and healthy, I am grateful for my fellow healthcare providers, and I am grateful that this strong woman who was having the worst day of her life wanted one thing for her mother in the last moments of her life: peace.

• 11/26 - What are some past experiences I am grateful for? How did they shape my life for the better?

I am grateful for growing up the way I did. I can’t say I wouldn’t change things but being raised by who I was shaped me into who I am. I’m grateful I wasn’t just handed things and was forced to work for them. I was probably not super appreciative at age 16 when I had to pay for my own car, but as an adult I am SO happy that I learned the lesson of working hard.

• 11/27 - Who do I appreciate? Tell us about them and why you are grateful they are in your life.

Right now I am appreciating the nurse who took report from me last night! We’ll probably never meet again but thank you for listening to my rants, not judging my last-minute leaky IV (don’t worry, the patient had another one that worked fine), and for getting me out of there so quickly!

• 11/28 - It’s Thanksgiving Day in the U.S. Tell us what specifically you are Thankful for today.

On Thanksgiving I was grateful for friends, family, and awesome coworkers.

• 11/29 - What are some people / things I may be taking for granted? How can I better express my gratitude for these people / things in the future?

I sometimes take my dad especially for granted. I depend on him for things around the house that I don’t have the skills or knowledge to do, such as fix the deck or the running toilet or even hang things without punching a hole in the wall. In the future I want to express that I’d rather him teach me these things instead of just coming to do them.

• 11/30 - What are some future opportunities I have that I am grateful for?

Everyone’s wedding, and the Year of Turning 30 Extravaganza.

• 12/1 - Share one tip with the community on how to live life with at attitude of gratitude.

No one is grateful 100% of the time. I try to make it a point every day to think of what I have… friends, family, pets, house, car, food in my fridge, etc…. and remember that not everyone has those.

• 12/2 - Where are you on your personal mental health journey? What strengths and opportunities do you have?

The changing of the seasons, setting the clocks back, and the SNOW on December 1st took its toll. I am usually not a Christmas-decorations-the-day-after-Thanksgiving type of person, but this year that’s the day that worked for my family getting our trees (me, my dad, and my sister/brother in law all go together and my Dad drops the trees off with his pickup) so I decorated that weekend and began listening to Christmas music (Pentatonix, ayyyyy). It really HAS been a pick-me-up!!!

• 12/3 - What are some past experiences with mental heath work? What has worked well for you and what has not worked as well.

Personally? None. Professionally? Just what I give as a nurse.

• 12/4 - How is your mental health compared to a year ago? Are you remaining steady, improving or regressions? What do you need to do about it?

Well, this time last year I had been at my job for one day and had no idea what I was doing. Now I’ve been here for a year and know what I’m doing… 50% of the time? So my mental health has gotten better since I no longer feel like a fish out of water. It helps that I got a per diem at the bedside and have those opportunities to do direct patient care.

• 12/5 - How aware are you of your mental health? Are your your moods steady or do they ebb and flow? Are you aware when things are changing and do you have any experience / tips for heading off tough times?

Very aware of my mental health; you have to be, to survive in healthcare without getting serious burnout. I would say my moods ebb and flow, which isn’t abnormal. Tough times can be headed off by doing self care, and I don’t mean in the bath-bomb-face-mask type of way: do your laundry (and fold it straight out the dryer), wash the dishes, clean the house, meal prep… and maybe get a manicure.

• 12/6 - Have you noticed any patterns / cycles to your own mental health? Do the seasons, or specific holidays or other variables impact you in specific ways?

Not especially. Late fall / early winter tends to be hard due to the lack of sun, but I also have a vitamin D deficiency that for obvious reasons gets worse in the winter, and low vit D causes depressive symptoms.

• 12/7 - How are mental health and physical health connected? What are some of your experiences that show this in your life?

Well. In my personal and somewhat-work-related experience, being in poor physical health often has a negative impact on mental health. HOWEVER BEING IN POOR PHYSICAL HEALTH DOES NOT MEAN BEING OVERWEIGHT. Plenty of patients have normal BMIs and are in poor health, and plenty have BMIs that label them obese and are in good health. And being in good physical health does not mean you have good mental health. I guess what I want to say is that while they can influence one another, they are not directly correlated?

• 12/8 - Share one tip with the community about developing or maintaining your mental health.

Don’t let things pile up. And I mean that literally and figuratively. Clean your house and prep your food and for the love of God empty the trash from your car (no? just me?). But also… don’t dwell on things you cannot change, and don’t stew on things you can. Just do it. It will be worth the time, energy, and anxiety.

#fmls90 #fmls90 catch up

[randomkposts]

The crack twilight shipping conversation

E :-"I took care of those girls who spread rumors about you"

"What girls?"

"Not important "

I have back flashes of this kid and I'm like yo she scares me.

K : Jane is terrifying. Just not in the same way to Bella as she is to others.

"We are going to Yellowknife, so you can see the northern lights at this time of year! They are glorious! This guy has agreed to fly us."

"Jane, I don't- wait, why is he shaking"

"Juicebox is also excited to see the northern lights"

Shaking man: "Absolutely ecstatic"

"I made sure that all the warm clothing fits your size! It's even real fur! "

Crack twilight ships

K - E, Crack AU, where Jane is the one who imprints on Bella, going after James for crime, and Bella has to deal with the insane situation of "I think I was kidnapped by a child, and the child is trying to woo me."

Except Jane's Idea of wooing is terrifying and surreal, and has some pretty bizarre stuff to try to impress her.

"Jane-"

"But let's double check!"

E -OMG

K :-”Jane, why do you always give people such strange nicknames? Quickmunch, O delicious, lunchmeat, mosquito bait, and now juicebox?

Except for Jaccob, who you just called stinky

Why do you call him that?

-Because he just is

He doesn't smell any worse than any other athletic teenage boy. You haven't even seen him since he got sick.

Hey, does she have a nickname for Bella, you think?

E -Jacobs sweating furiously at all these vampires

K -It's because he's a wolfy shapeshifter, but for story purposes, Jane has no Idea, just that she hates Bella's childhood friend.

Alec, who is back in Voltera, but Jane talks on the phone too, assumes she's being possessive of who Bella spends time with, and views him as a rival.

He tells her that.

E - The fact he face times this stuff. Supportive bro vampire.

K - Don't kill the rival Jane. Bella will be crying, and you don't want to spend time with her mourning. Maybe take her on a trip, and get some personal time

E -She does, but also scares ppl to give them cool shite.

K -I had a crack thought once, where I thought what's the randomest most out there mates I can give vampires. , where Jane's mate was a random old man that she met in the food chamber, was like ,"wait don't kill him!" It became quite a debate.

Alec's, on the other hand, was a toddler he met on a job, where a lady had been vampired, and had bad control.  The kid wasn't even related to the target, just on a walk in a bad place and time. He can't get the face out of his head.

Neither of them are decided on who has it worse.

But Bella being shippable with almost any vampire in the series has way more potential for comedy.

Still, question, does Bella ever come to return the affection?

Edward is hundreds of years older than her, but looks roughly around her age. Staying beautiful, and around his age was something Bella found important to her in their relationship.

Jane, for all she is also centuries older than Bella, can not easily be mistaken for a young adult. Admittedly it could be claimed, possibly by dwarfism, but given that  physical appearance is important to Bella, and plays a part in her affections to other people, how would that play into any potential relationship with Jane?

K - God, weird how what starts as crack, leads me to wonder about real questions.

If that random old man is in fact Jane's soulmate in the crack mate's verse, should she take her mate in the form she finds him, or eat him and hope he reincarnates. Is there only one possible match, or are there potential matches walking around that finalize when conditions are met? Is the old man, at his age, fit to be a mate to a centuries old vampire of a young body? What if he's amnesic. How would that translate to vampirism?

Should Alec keep tabs on the toddler who could be his mate, or let them go and hope for another chance encounter?

E -Probably yes, even though you are aware she is older than you, she is mature maybe *I debate on that due to they stay in that state forever* but you can't get over the fact that is a child's body

K -If Alec chose to keep tabs, when would be the time to reintroduce himself? And how?

E - I say let them go, cause this is a bit too close with the Renesmee and Jacob kind of thing

Hmmm I say reincarnation is kinder?

K-Is reincarnation even real, or a hope?

How would you find them?

E -They have vampires, werewolves and shit, but does reincarnation really draw the line?

First off how did they even know they were mates?

K -It is, though I can't see Alec child napping the toddler, and raising them himself

Some voice in their head screams "Mine!"

Edwards was just weird, because he thought his voice meant " my meal"

E -Bwhahaha

Oh God Eddy

K -The Cullens are unusual in that they turn people in life threatening situations.

Still,Carslie and Esmae certinally had some affection between them, before she commited suicide.

Why did Rosaline get Emmet turned again?

Beyond the bear wound, I mean?

She doesn't seem the type to go out of her way to do something like that for just anyone.

Maybe it was blurred by the blood, and the need for control, but something about him called out to her, I think.

"Rosalie confessed to Bella that she saved Emmett from dying because of his innocent look, dimples, and curly hair that reminded her of her best friend Vera's child, Henry, and that ever since the day she saw the baby she always wanted a child of her own just like him."

Somehow, I doubt she looked much at the appearance of someone covered in blood. She is trying to resist killing after afromented bear mauling.

That sounds like a post rescue justification.

E - True. Always wondered about that.

K - Anyway, I think he might just send Gianna, or something to guard the kid for a bit, if he decided to keep tabs. Gianna is just glad to be temporarily spared, and hopes that job success may mean Alec turns her into a vampire, or at the least, doesn't kill her.

E -Shot, i would make sure that kid have the best life ever if that means he doesn't kill me

K - But anyways, to a vampire who is not rescuing a human from a dangerous situation, or abstaining in general, sometimes they get a sense of "Mine!" About humans they see.

Jane, as a member of Voltri, where mates are occasionally found like this, has heard, and does not question, and in fact jumps on the opportunity.

Her human smells delicious, and is resistant to her gift, and absolutely perfect. Now, how to not kill her, while making Jane the center of her world.

That kid has aunt Gianna, who is not really an aunt, but is... A family friend now, and full intent to make the kid happy.

Gianna is a dead secretary as of Breaking Dawn, I think, But Alec has a need for the human, so he can borrow her.

She's well aware of her morality, at this point.

Also, get rid of that James guy, who found Bella while she was hiking in the woods, in this verse.

E - Yeah lets get rid of him!

Honestly the image of a grown asa man getting his ass handed to him by some 12 year old cracks me up.

K -While Bella might find inclination to view Jane romantically, possibly, sexual orientation may be an issue for her.

In cannon, Bella had the higher sex drive then Edward, and would have prefered that to marriage, indicating she may have a higher sex drive then romantic inclination.

Book Bella didn't show much interest in women, and I don't know what way she swings in this AU, but either way, that Jane has the body of a child would probably complicate things in that aspect.

Would Bella be exploring cross orientation here, or having a crisis for her finding a sex drive for someone who's body is closer to a childs then an adults?

Both would be complex issues.

-It does!First she takes him out with mental fire, then she fights and tears him up, in hopes of impressing her would (will) be  mate!

E -Crisis at the sex drive, cause again kids body, and I'd be hella creeped out. And orientation since I haven't seen her show much interest in woman so that's a lot of issues for her to start on

"And here we see the alpha female show her dominance by obliterating the high male in order to impress her mate"

K - Its kind of weird to even talk about it, yes.

But it would come up in this context

Bella herself, would probably be creeped out

Jane, might be less so, due to being centuries older than her, and living in a different time with different marriage standards

E - Bella is like "oh honey no, that's. ..no"

K -Jane was born in England around 800 A.D, the daughter of an Anglo-Saxon woman and a Frankish soldier.

She was 12-13 when transformed.

Let's bump it up to 13, because while both are far too young for being burned at the stake, 13 is slightly more

----

Was reading this

----

"Contrary to Victorian beliefs that pale, delicate women were the most attractive, Brown says that actually, muscles are key. It's the earliest known example of #fitspiration:

"All women would be healthier and none the less beautiful if they possessed firm muscles and strong limbs; this scarcely any one could controvert."

Even if she wants to consign herself to a life of singledom: "And if a girl never intends to marry she should be none the less mindful of her health."

Brown explains that women are often less inclined to discuss sensitive maladies than their male counterparts. But that's wrong.

"Young women should learn that to neglect disease is to create more," he stresses.

"Secondly, they should appreciate the fact that, though they may get very little sympathy from either the other sex or their own, there is no execuse for not taking their complaint boldly and sensibly to that quarter made for them, namely, their doctor."

---

And this guy sounds kind of radical for the time, and possibly today even, for some, but why does that last line still feel relevant to today's attitude of women's health.

#Twilight #crack shipping #Random K #A conversation with my friend #we share ideas #and worldbuild #bella x jane

[lovemesomesurveys]

What is your favorite color? Pastels, dusty rose, yellow, mint green. What is your favorite song right now? I don’t have a particular current favorite. Do you have any hidden talents? If so, what? Nope. Unless they’re still hidden from me. What is something you are shy about? I’m a shy person in general.  Are you double jointed? My thumbs are.

Do you have any deformities or birthmarks? I have a birthmark on my right elbow. What were you almost named? Andrea was a possibility. What’s your favorite dog breed? Labs and German Shepherds. If you don’t mind my asking, what’s your sexual orientation? Straight. What’s your religious or spiritual affiliation? Christian.  What’s something you hate being called, and why? Sensitive. I am sensitive, but I hate when people are like, “omg you’re so sensitive” or “stop being so sensitive.”  What are some of the meanest, most insulting things that have been said 2u? I’m the meanest person to myself. I put myself down all the time. What is the best compliment you’ve ever received? Hmm. What do you get complimented on the most? If I get complimented at all, it’s usually my hair if it’s been recently dyed and styled, a shirt I’m wearing, or my purse.  Do you have any regrets? I have a lot. :/ What haunts you? My past mistakes. What do you regret the most? Some of my biggest regrets are health related. What do you beat yourself up about the most? The fact I’m 30 years old and not doing anything with my life. Worse than that, I have no idea what I want to do and I’m taking no steps to figure it out. I’m not working on myself like I should be. I’ve neglected myself in a lot of ways and I just feel....stuck.  How old were you when you started your period? 13. How bad are your worst cramps on a scale of 1-10? I don’t have a menstrual cycle anymore cause of health reasons, but when I did I had the absolute worst cramps. I had really bad PMS/PMDD. It really kicked my ass.  What’s the most physically painful thing you’ve ever experienced? The pain right after surgery and during recovery time is  h o r r i b l e. What’s the most emotionally painful thing you’ve ever experienced? Losing loved ones. Have you had your heart broken? Yes, a few times.  What one thing would you change about yourself if you could? There’s so many things, but I think if I could change my health, mentally and physically, other things could follow. Who has hurt you the most? Life, man. What are you passionate about? Umm. Do you feel like anyone really knows you? I think my loved ones, especially my mom, know me pretty well, but not completely. I don’t even know myself in a lot of ways I feel like. Especially not this person I’ve become over the past few years. Do you open up easily, or does it take you awhile to trust someone? It’s not really a trust issue with me, I just have a hard time opening up and expressing myself to others.  Are you ever shy in any situations? I’m a shy person. Do you feel shy around certain people? I’m shy around anyone outside of my immediate family. Like even my extended family I feel kind of shy around still sometimes.  Do you feel shy around people that you want to like you? Like I said, I feel shy around everyone. If I want them to like me, then it just adds to it and I’ll feel extra self-conscious and awkward. Who was your first celebrity crush? Aaron Carter when his song, “Aaron’s Party” came out. I was like 10 years old. How old were you when you had your first crush? 9. Have you ever questioned your sexuality? No. Do you pray to God regularly? Not as often as I should. Are you a Christian? Yes. Do you consider yourself a disciple of Jesus Christ? All Christians are. How old are you? 30. Do you cry in front of others, or do you hold it in until you’re alone? My family, especially my mom, has seen me cry numerous times, but I really prefer to do it alone. I’ll try to hold it in until I can be alone. What was your most embarrassing moment? Blah. Have you ever been bullied? Only by myself. Have you ever contemplated suicide? Yes. Was there ever a time in your life that you couldn’t cry? I mean, yeah? Sometimes the tears just won’t come. Other times I can’t stop them from coming. Do you have love and support from anyone, or do you feel all alone? I have love and support from my family, but I still feel alone in some ways. Do you trust anyone? My family. Do you want to get married? No. What is your dream job? I don’t have one. :/ Are you happy with your life right now? No. Which has hurt you more: friendship break-ups or bf/gf break-ups? My breakup with Joseph was really hard and it took me a long time to get over, but I did. Past friendships that I’ve lost I still think about quite often, some of which happened like 15 years ago. Losing Ty as a friend really hurt. I miss him a lot. Have you ever been abused? No. Were you abused by your parents? No. Are you parents divorced? No. Do you have chronic pain? Yes, and other chronic health issues. If so, is your chronic pain physical or emotional, or both? Both. Do you wish you could talk to someone and share everything? I want to try and see if therapy will be of any help for me. I’ve been saying that for awhile, though. :/ What’s your deepest wish right now? To be healthy. Have you ever felt loved? I know I’m loved by my family. I feel it. When was the first time you remember feeling loved (be honest)? I’ve always felt that way with my family. Do you have any brothers or sisters? How many? I have 2 brothers. Are you the oldest, middle, youngest, or only child? I’m the middle kid. Do you have a twin? No. Have you ever wished you had a twin? I did when I was a kid. One of my is definitely enough... Do you have a sibling who looks just like you? No, but we have similarities.  Which family member did you get your hair color from? My mom. Which family member did you get your height from? My mom. I always thought I would have been tall like my dad, who is 6′0, but apparently I’d only be like 5′4. I was really surprised by that.  How all are you? ^^^ Do you ever cry yourself to sleep? I’ve done that countless times. What’s one song that makes you cry? There’s a few. One of them is the acoustic version of Everlong by Foo Fighters because of the memories attached to it. Do books ever make you cry? They have. What’s a book that’s made you cry? There’s been a few. Do you watch a lot of movies? Yeah, kinda. Books or movies? I enjoy both. How many states have you lived in (if you live in the US)? Which ones? Just one: California. What advice would you give to someone starting high school? Oh boy. It’s almost 3AM and I’m too tired to give advice right now. What advice would you give to someone starting college? What’s one piece of advice you’d give to your younger self? Take better care of yourself.  Do you feel appreciated and cared about, or do you feel neglected? I feel cared about and loved by my family. I feel neglected by myself.  Are you wounded? I feel that way. Have you ever self-harmed? Yes. What advice would you give someone who’s having a hard time in high school? And we’re back to the advice thing... What advice would you give to someone who’s being bullied? Please say something to someone. Tell teachers, principal, parents, family members, friends...  Do you get bullied a lot? As I’ve said, the only bully in my life is myself. Are you sensitive? Yes. Are you hypersensitive to sound? I have selective sound sensitivity, like misophonia.  …to smell? Yes. …to sight (as in, you seem to see colors brighter than normal)? No. …to touch/to hot and cold? Yes. …to food/taste? (i.e., spicy food or hot food might be too much for you) Yes.  Do you write in a journal or diary? This is my diary. Do you like to write? I used to. Do you like the way you look without make-up? Nope. I didn’t look any better with makeup.  Do you think you only look pretty with a tan? I don’t think I’m ever pretty. Has anyone ever called you beautiful? Yes.  Have you ever been mistreated by a crush? Not by a crush. Have you ever loved someone who hated you/treated you horribly? He played and used me. Have you ever dated someone just to try it? I kind of think my first boyfriend (and technically only) was a bit of that to be honest. I was 16 and wanted to have a boyfriend. He and I were close friends and I did like him, but like I said I think that did play a part.  Are you adventurous? No. Are you spiritual? Yes. …creative? No. ..intuitive? I think so. …spontaneous? No. Not to say nothing spontaneous ever happens, but I’m not a spontaneous person by nature. …rebellious? No. ….free-spirited? No. …open-minded? I think so. …optimistic? No. …..loud? No. ….stressed out a lot? Yes. ….shy at times? I’ve answered this a few times nows, I’m a shy person in general. …….shy when you’re first getting to know someone? Uh, yes. …painfully shy? Yes. …apprehensive? Yes. …easygoing by nature? Somewhat, yeah. I’m one to just tag along. Have you ever had a rumor spread about you that wasn’t true? No. Not to my knowledge, anyway. Do you often get treated as if you are worthless? I feel that way cause my mind tells me that. Do you often fear getting in trouble (whether or not you’ve done anything)? No. Do you get stage fright? My fear of public speaking is very real. Definitely don’t miss giving presentations in school. It never got any easier or better for me. Do you compare yourself to others? Yes. What are your favorite physical features on yourself? I like my hair when it’s been recently dyed and styled.  Do you like your natural hair color? Meh. Do you like your eye color? Meh. I wish I had blue or green eyes. Are you short or average or tall, and do you like it? I’m short.  Are you happy with the way you look? No. Are you naturally an early bird or night owl? I’m a night owl. Here we are at almost 3 in the morning.  At what time of day do you normally feel your best? Never? What’s the biggest regret of your life? Blahhhhh. What’s the best thing that’s ever happened to you? Finding God, my family, all my doggos... What’s the best decision you ever made? Uhhh. All my mind thinks of are all my worst decisions. :/ What’s the hardest decision you’ve ever made? There’s been a lot of those. What’s the most terrifying thing you’ve ever done? Man, you’re asking the real questions. Too real for 3AM. Do you enjoy speech class? No, that was a nightmare.  Do you have neat handwriting? My handwriting is shit. Do you like your handwriting? Well, no. What is your name (first and middle), and do you like it? Stephanie is all you’re getting. What are you allergic to? Tangerines and I have seasonal allergies as well. What’s the highest fever you’ve ever had? 103. Have you ever been to the ER? Yes. Have you ever stayed overnight in the hospital? If so, why? Yeah, I’ve stayed a week, a couple weeks, and months after surgeries and when my accident happened. Have you ever ridden in an ambulance? Yes. Have you ever been arrested? No. Ever been questioned by the cops? Nope. …sexually harassed? No. ….sexually assaulted? No. ….been a victim of attempted rape? No. …been abused? No. …been bullied? This has been asked several times now. …been harassed? No. …been kicked out of a store because of the way you looked? No. …been kicked out of your house? No. …been the victim of a crime? Yes. ….been persecuted for your faith? No. …had someone try to shove their views down your throat? Yes. ….felt threatened for your life? Yes. ….felt all alone in the world? Yes. …felt like you were all alone in a world full of people out to destroy u? No, not in that way.  …felt ashamed to be human? Not to be a human, but being me. …felt ashamed of your faith? No. …felt self-conscious? Always. …cried yourself to sleep? Countless times. …cried on someone’s shoulder? Yeah. …cried so hard your whole body shook? Yes. …cried hard and wished you had someone to hold you? I like to be left alone when I cry, honestly. Are you superstitious? Eh, not really. Do you believe in astrology? No. Do you believe in the supernatural? Yes. Have you ever experienced anything supernatural? No. What’s one thing you find highly offensive? It takes a lot for me to be offended. What’s one pet peeve that you have? Eating sounds. Do you like long or short hair better? For myself? Long. Are you a cat or a dog person? Dog. Pineapple on pizza: yes or no? No. What’s your favorite pizza topping? Feta and ricotta cheese (in addition to the cheese that comes with the pizza already) and spinach.  Are you a democrat or republican, or neither? What’s one unpopular opinion that you have? I don’t like Nutella. :O Have you ever been healed of something supernaturally? If so, what? God. Have you ever encountered God? I’ve found Him in the sense that I wanted to seek Him out, build a relationship with Him, and study the Bible, which is what I’ve been doing for the past 2-3 years.  Do you encounter God frequently? When I pray and study His Word.  What’s the best encounter you’ve had with God? I’ve felt His presence and witnessed His healing. Do you pray daily? No. :/ That’s something I want to work on. I want to do that and I don’t know why it’s something I don’t do. Do you read the Bible daily? I finished my first ever read-through from start to finish a couple months ago, but the Bible isn’t something you just read once. I’ve been reading daily devotionals ever since I finished my read-through and there are passages included in them. I’m also about to start an online Bible study group soon. If applicable, what’s your favorite verse? I have several. Favorite worship song? I’m not familiar with too many, yet. If not daily, do you read the Bible regularly? Like I said, I finished my first read-through recently. I read everyday, often twice a day. The Bible isn’t something you read just once and you’re done. I’ll be reading it again and again and again. I’m starting an online Bible study group soon as well. Have you ever read the Bible? Well, yes... you should have started with that. What fascinates you? Psychology. What motivates you? What is the reason you wake up in the morning? Coffee, ha. Do you know your purpose in life? No. ^If so, what is it? I haven’t figured that out, yet. Do you believe you have a calling? I haven’t figured that out, yet.  ^If yes, do you know your call? ^If you do, what is it? Are you scared about the future, or do you take things day by day? I take things day by day, but yes I’m terrified of the future. Do you worry a lot, or do you put things in God’s hands? I worry all the time. :/  Do you believe in the power of prayer? Absolutely.  Have you ever witnessed a miracle? I believe so. Do you believe in Heaven and Hell? Yes. Do you believe you’re going to Heaven? I pray that I do.  What do you think happens after we die? Like I said, I believe in heaven and hell. Would you want to live forever? Do you want to live forever? I believe in eternal life with Jesus. I’ll want to live forever when I’m with Him because I won’t be in this body or this world. There will be no pain, no sadness, no sickness, no violence, etc.  What’s your favorite mode of transportation? Car. What was your favorite class in high school? English and Spanish.  What’s your favorite color combination? Pastels. Are you colorblind? No. ^If not, do you know anyone who is? Nope. Have you ever taken a colorblindness test? * Ive taken tests like that online <<< Same. Have you ever taken a right-brain/left-brain test? I’m pretty sure. ^If yes, are you right-, left-, or whole-brained? I don’t remember. What is unique about you? I don’t feel unique. What were you voted in the senior class polls? We didn’t do those. Did you like high school? I liked some of it. Were you ever popular? Nope, and that was perfectly fine with me. Do you wish you were popular? Nope. I would not have the energy for that.  Have you ever been painfully shy? Jeez, how many times have you asked about shyness?? I’ve answered this several times. Do you have a painful past that you want to forget? I have painful things from my past and yet I wouldn’t say I want to forget them? I don’t know, it’s weird. Have you ever been mistreated by a cop? No. Who has betrayed your trust? Some people from my past. Do you forgive easily, or do you hold grudges? I forgive pretty easily.  Do you believe in getting revenge? Nah. Have you ever experimented with any sort of witchcraft? No. Do people accept you and your beliefs usually? I mean, not all of them and that’s fine. How outspoken are you? Not at all. How outgoing are you on a scale of 1-10? Zero? Which season is your favorite, and why? Fall and winter. I love the holidays and the weather. Do you worry about others liking you? Not so much anymore. Have you ever tried to impress someone? Yeah. Have you ever lied to impress someone? Probably little white lies. …dressed a certain way to impress someone? Yes. Which animals are you afraid of? ALL bugs. And snakes. And mice. And wild animals are scary, but thankfully I never encounter any except if I visit the zoo and I feel fine cause there’s protective barriers. If I were out in the woods and encountered a bear.... :O I do have a real irrational fear of killer whales; though, which I never encounter. I can’t explain that one. Do you kill spiders and ants? I personally don’t, but I get someone else to! What’s one animal that describes you, and why? Sloths. What is your favorite holiday? Christmas. Do you celebrate holidays? Yes. Do you decorate for holidays? Yes. Have you ever had to avoid someone because you were jealous of them? I don’t think for that reason, no. ^If so, why were you jealous of them? What did they have that you wanted? What was the name of the first pet that you loved? Scruffy. How old were you when you found out Santa wasn’t real? I think I was 8 or 9.  Did you pray to God when you were a child? No. What is your favorite thing you’ve been for Halloween? I don’t know what I’d say my favorite was. I enjoyed dressing up for Halloween, though. Well, up until about 4 years ago when I was just over it. I still enjoy Halloween, I’m just over the dressing up part now. I don’t go anywhere or do anything anymore for Halloween except for just staying home, getting takeout, and watching scary movies.   Who is your favorite Disney princess? Ariel and Belle. Favorite TV show as a kid? Shows on Nickelodeon, Disney Channel, Cartoon Network, PBS, ABC Saturday morning cartoons, Kids WB, Fox Kids (or something like that). Favorite cartoon character? Alice from Alice in Wonderland and Winnie the Pooh. What is your favorite flavor of frosting? Good ol’ vanilla buttercream is the best, but I also like strawberry, lemon, and cream cheese. Favorite fast food restaurant? I like McDonald’s, BK, Taco Bell, Chick-Fil-A, and Jack in the Box. I haven’t really been into fast food the past few months, though. Favorite ice cream flavor? Strawberry. This may be old, but did you hear “yanny” or “laurel”? I think I heard Laurel.  Do you prefer silver or gold? I like both. What’s one color you look terrible in? Well, I don’t feel I look good in anything, so.  What are two colors you look great in? I feel most comfortable in black. Would you change your skin tone/complexion if you could? I’d like to be a little tanner. Do you think you look better with a tan? Still ugly, but I like being a little tanner. What color is your skin naturally? Pale. What state and country do you live in? California, USA. Do you think you have an accent? I guess we all do, but it’s weird thinking of myself as having one. It’s not recognizable or identifiable like other accents, such as a British one, a southern one, or someone from like Boston, ya know? No one would think, “Oh, she’s probably from California” just based on how I talk. Which accent is your favorite? Some southern and British ones. What store would you like to win a shopping spree at? I’d prefer like a Visa gift card so I could spend it anywhere. Do you think for yourself? Yes and no. We’re all influenced or persuaded in some ways, sometimes subconsciously. Do you have any tattoos? If so, how many? What are they of? Nope. What piercings do you have? Just my earlobes. Have you ever been rebellious? Ha, the most “rebellious” thing I did was smoke weed.  Describe your style in high school. Freshman year I was very girly and preppy, sophomore year I went through my emo phase, and junior and senior year it was just like teeshirts and jeans. I also liked accessorizing a lot.  What is your style like now? Leggings and graphic tees, all day everyday.  What one word best describes you? I don’t know. What one word best describes your room? Giraffes. ha. Who was your first roommate? I’ve never had one. Who was your favorite teacher in high school? Mr. Coffey, my sophomore history teacher. He was really cool. He was a huge fan of the Red Hot Chili Peppers and played them all the time before class. We talked about music and stuff. I was really into the band Hawthorne Heights at the time and he’d play them sometimes, cool. Looking back, he honestly reminds me of Rob Dyrdek both in how he looked and how he acted. …least favorite teacher? I didn’t have a least favorite, really. None of my teachers were horrible or anything. What is your least favorite color, and do you ever wear it? Brown. I have one pair of brown leggings. What are your top three favorite colors? Pastels (I’m grouping them as one, shh), dusty rose, and yellow. Favorite fruit? Bananas. Favorite vegetable? Spinach and broccoli.  Favorite flavor of tea? Peppermint or Chamomile.  Tea or coffee? Coffee all the way. Are you flexible (physically)? No. Favorite coffee shop? I really just go to Starbucks. Favorite Starbucks drink? White chocolate mocha, caramel macchiato, and some of their seasonal drinks. When is your birthday? July 28th. What is your zodiac sign? Leo. ^Does it fit you? Nope. I’m the complete opposite of a Leo. What is your Chinese zodiac sign? *shrug* What genres of music do you listen to/like? I like various genres. Do you read a lot? I haven’t been lately. I’ve hardly read at all this year for some reason. I need to change that.  Do you like to read? I do. Are you organized? I used to be more organized.  Do you eat healthy? No. How often do you eat out? We get takeout a couple times a week usually. What’s something you want to change about your life? A lot of things... Do you wish you had more control over things? Absolutely. How do you express your anger? Cry. Have you ever reached your breaking point? I feel like I reached it long ago. Have you ever lived past your limits of endurance? I’m still here. Who do you miss? My loved ones who have passed. Do you pray in tongues? No.

#personal #text #survey #surveys

[justanoutlawfic]

The Virgin: Chapt. 2

Summary: The day that changes their lives forever. Lacey has to break the news to both Regina and Robin about her “mistake”.

Also on AO3

They say you never see a broken heart coming. Robin, on the other hand, had been preparing for his for the past 3 weeks.

He knew the odds, both he and Marian did. They had talked over the procedure extensively before they decided to actually go through it. After he was given a clean bill of health, they at first debated if they would ever use the sample. They were lucky enough to have Roland, he was just over a year old when they got the news that the cancer was gone. For the next three years, they were extremely happy. They had each other, their thriving hotel.

 Even so, Robin couldn’t shake this overwhelming need that something was missing. He had only felt that once before, right after they conceived Roland. It was then he had decided to open his own hotel. It’d be under his father’s branch (along with her family being on the board), but it would still be something that he and Marian would run mostly on their own. The Marbella was their second child, they had put so much blood, sweat and tears in it. Now, he felt that again. Roland was getting older, he and Marian were doing very good. So, after his yearly check-up, he had broached the subject with Marian.

 She was skeptical and rightfully so. The procedure had such a slim chance of working and it was his only sample, his last sample. The doctors had encouraged him to give it prior to his chemotherapy and it had been the right choice. After everything was said and done, there was no way they could conceive another child without that sample. Robin pointed out that it was there for a reason. If it didn’t work, then they could discuss other options. There was no harm in trying, right?

 So, Marian had agreed. She scheduled an appointment with Lacey and had done all the right things after. For once, she delegated her duties with the hotel and heavied her assistant’s workload. She went to bed at a reasonable hour and though she already ate healthy, she was even more on top of it. Robin did whatever he could to make it easier on her.

 They didn’t discuss the possible outcomes over those 3 weeks, they had done that enough. Whether it was good or bad, they didn’t bring it up at all. If it weren’t for the little note in both of their calendars to head to Lacey’s office exactly 3 weeks after the insemination, they may not have ever spoken of it at all.

 The morning of the appointment, things went as normal. Robin woke up to the smell of Marian cooking breakfast. He showered and dressed before making his way into the kitchen part of their suite. They had decided to have a suite built onto the hotel for them while it was in construction, so they would be close if there were any issues. It was like a penthouse, three bedrooms, two bathrooms, a living room and kitchen. Roland found it cool that he got to live in a hotel, just like the character in his favorite books, Eloise at the Plaza.

 “Morning,” he said, kissing the top of Roland’s head before pecking Marian’s lips.

“You’re having breakfast with us this morning, Papa?” Roland asked from his spot at the table.

“That’s right. Your mama and I have an appointment to head to later.”

“I still get to hang out with Grace, right?”

“Of course.”

Marian turned towards the table, two plates in hand. “I’ve got pancakes for my boys.”

“What would we do without you?” Robin wrapped an arm around her. “What do we say to Mama, Roland?”

“Thank you, Mama!”

 Marian grinned and set them down, before giving Robin another kiss. He let it linger for a moment, wanting to savor the happy moment. She stroked his cheek.

 “No matter what the outcome, we’re going to be okay,” she whispered. “No matter what Lacey says.”

“I know,” Robin said, wishing more than anything his heart would let him believe it.

Regina hated Saturdays. During the week, she had work to keep her busy. On the weekends, all she had was her apartment. Sure, she’d grade papers or go to the store, but those were the days she was reminded most that she was alone.

 Luckily, that particular Saturday, she had been invited to join Emma, Neal and Henry at the zoo. If she could count on anything remotely close to family, it’d be those three. She had met Emma when they were 10 years old. Both had grown up in the foster system, having scarily similar stories. Regina had nearly been adopted by a great foster family when she was 5 years old, but then the foster mother passed away and the father couldn’t afford to keep her, no matter how hard he tried. Emma had been passed by when her long term foster family got pregnant with a biological child and his medical bills meant they could only keep one. While Regina had been left on the steps of the fire station, Emma was abandoned on the side of the road.

 They were both headstrong and determined, a combination that might have made them enemies, if they didn’t love each other so much. Together, they stayed in the same group home until they were 16. That was when faux-leather wearing Emma met equally covered in faux-leather Neal Cassidy. Emma snuck out of the room they shared with 2 other girls every night for 6 months, so it wasn’t much of a surprise when she got pregnant. She emancipated herself and Neal got kicked out of his dad’s, the two managing to find housing together by the time Henry was born. Regina became Henry’s godmother and for the past 8 years, that was the closest she had to family.

 As happy as Emma was at 24, it hadn’t always been easy for her. She struggled to keep up with work and had to drop out of high school, just to be able to take care of Henry. Her and Neal’s relationship had been rocky, including a split once both turned 20. They had only gotten back together a year prior, as they had both grown up some and were ready. Henry was a happy and well-adjusted kid, both his parents loved him. It didn’t mean that both clearly hadn’t had their lives derailed.

 Regina had made a vow after she saw firsthand what Emma had been through. She wasn’t going to have sex until marriage. She was going to college, start her career. One day she’d start a family, but not until she was ready.

 She had come close in college. When she met Daniel at freshmen orientation, it almost felt like fate. They dated for 2 years, getting engaged a year in and planned to marry as soon as she got her teaching certificate. He was perfectly fine with waiting, something most guys weren’t. Regina didn’t believe in fairytales, but it certainly felt like she was living in one.

 Her bubble burst a year into the engagement. Daniel had been walking back to his dorm after a night out to buddies and was hit by a driver that didn’t stop at a red light. They never found who it was and Regina was left devastated. If it weren’t for her academic scholarship, she probably would’ve spent every day in bed. Suddenly, her life became more than just proving she wasn’t the poor foster kid. She had to do it for Daniel. He wouldn’t get to live the rest of his life, so she would live hers for him.

 Regina pulled into the parking lot of the zoo and started heading towards the zoo. She hadn’t been feeling well and hadn’t been able to keep anything down for the past couple of days, but a promise was a promise. Besides, getting a glimpse of the Swan-Cassidy family made it worth it.

“Auntie Regina!” Regina smiled as Henry ran towards her, rosy cheeks and hazel eyes.

“Hey sweetie.” She pulled him into her arms and kissed the top of his head. “You ready to see some animals?”

“Yeah, I was reading up about all the different ones they had. I guess one of the pandas just had a baby. Did you know they weighs less than a pound when they’re born?”

“I didn’t know that,” Regina said, allowing him to take her hand and prattle on about all the panda facts he read.

Emma chuckled, ruffling her son’s hair. “You’re going to talk your aunt’s ear off, aren’t you?”

“At least he’s well read. I wonder who he gets that from, because it certainly wasn’t either of you.”

Neal pretended to look offended. “Just for that, I am so not buying you a pretzel.”

Regina laughed, shaking her head. “That’s fine. I haven’t been able to eat for days now.”

Emma studied her face. “You do look a bit pale. If you’re not up to this, we could always come another day.”

“Nah, I’ll be fine. I made the mistake of eating from that deli on the corner, that always messes me up. Come on, let’s buy tickets.”

 Regina kept drinking from her water bottle as they made it around the zoo, but that only seemed to make her feel worse. She plastered a smile on her face, not wanting to ruin it for Henry. They spent a lot of time with the pandas and standing in the shade helped, at least a little bit. When they stopped for lunch, she tried to eat a salad. Halfway through the overpriced Cesar, however, she felt sick to her stomach. Regina raced to the bathroom, unaware that Emma was on her tail.

 “Neal can finish up with Henry here, I’m taking you to the doctor,” she said, standing outside the stall.

Regina groaned, wiping her mouth and flushing. “I’m fine, Emma.”

“No, you’re not. Come on, if you’ve been this sick for days, it has to be more than Al’s.”

Regina felt stupid as she sat on the cot in the emergency room, Emma standing beside her. The doctors were running tests, but couldn’t find anything wrong with her. If it truly was food poisoning, it would’ve been gone by then. At most, it was probably just the stomach flu. In which case, she could’ve avoided a trip to the doctor. Even so, Emma wasn’t backing down.

 The doctor that had taken her vitals came back in. “Well, we have your results. You’re not sick, you’re pregnant.”

Regina laughed. “That’s impossible.”

“I’m afraid it’s very possible. We tested both your urine.”

Emma’s eyes widened and a grin spread across her face. “Did you get some, finally?”

Regina rolled her eyes. “No! I’m a virgin.”

The doctor raised an eyebrow. “A virgin?”

“Yes, I know it’s hard to believe…”

“It’s very hard to believe, given your test.”

“False positives are a thing.”

“Yes, but normally false negatives are more popular.”

Emma held up her hand, interrupting. “Where did you get your degree? The University of Freaking Dumbass? If my best friend says she’s a virgin, then she’s a virgin. Your test must be faulty or something!”

“Our tests are not…”

“Run the test again.”

The doctor rolled his eyes, but nodded. “Fine. She’ll need to pee again.”

 Regina was given a bottle of water and she downed it, peeing in the cup as soon as she was able to. She stayed standing this time, watching the nurse put the strip in herself.

 “Pink means pregnant.” He pulled the strip up from the cup…revealing the pink.

 Regina had always fucking hated pink.

Robin knew his sister very well. After years of watching her battle sobriety and numerous other bad decisions, he could spot her “I fucked up” face from a mile away. She had it on as soon as she walked into her office the morning that his world was turned on its head.

 “It didn’t work,” he said, bluntly. He could feel Marian squeezing his hand and he returned the gesture. “Just say it.”

Lacey slowly sat down behind her desk. “There’s a bit more to it than that.”

Robin’s mind instantly went to the worst. “Did you pick up something else in the tests?”

“No…not that…it’s just…I didn’t inseminate Marian.”

Marian’s grip tightened on her husband’s as she focused in on her sister-in-law. “What? Yes you did, I was there.”

“I put saline in.”

“Why the hell would you do that?”

“Because I accidentally put Robin’s sperm in another patient.”

 Robin had been angry with Lacey in the past. When they were kids and she broke his favorite action figure because she wanted to play surgeon. When they were teenagers and she stole his prom money to go partying with her friends. The time she missed Roland’s first birthday to go on a vacation with a man she had just met.

 Anger wasn’t the right word in this moment. There was shock, of course, but once that settled…he was left with this bubbling feeling in his stomach.

 “How the hell does that happen?” Marian asked, when she realized Robin wasn’t going to.

“I was stressed out, that was the morning after I found out that Adam was cheating on me…”

Robin finally found his words. “Were you drinking?”

“No.”

The look in her eyes said it all. He gritted his teeth. “So, my one and only sample…our only chance at adding to our family…is out in some random woman? Who will probably never even think that it could be mine? If it even worked.”

“Well, actually, we’re lucky in that regard. It did work…and she’s been calling me for the past hour, because she’s unsure of how it could’ve happened. I guess she hasn’t had sex lately.”

 Robin wasn’t sure whether that made things better or worse. It had worked, he was going to be a father…to another woman’s child. Marian still had a grip on his hand, but it wasn’t tight anymore. Despite sitting so close to her, he had never felt so far away.

Regina sat next to Emma, waiting for Dr. French-Gold to come in. This wasn’t possible, it just couldn’t be. There had to be some hormonal reason behind it, maybe she needed to take pills? She was just lucky that the doctor had agreed to see her on such short notice.

 The door opened and Lacey walked in, looking just as stressed as she had the day Regina had met her. Maybe this woman needed a therapist or pills or yoga. She always looked like she was on the brink of tears.

“Doctor, I think there’s something wrong with me. These pregnancy tests keep coming back possible, but it’s just not possible.”

Lacey cleared her throat, leaning against the cabinets. “I’m afraid it is.”

“Excuse me?”

“I…accidentally inseminated you with a man’s sperm.”

 Regina’s heart began beating heavily in her chest. Emma was yelling at the doctor, but she couldn’t make out the words. This wasn’t supposed to happen, no, it was impossible! She had done everything that she had told herself she would. She hadn’t even had sex with the man that she loved with everything in her. She was supposed to wait until marriage. That was the plan, you can’t get pregnant by being abstinent. It’s the one fool proof way. At least that was what every sex ed class she ever had told her.

 Her hand went over her stomach. A life was growing in there. A life she had created with a man she didn’t even know. That sounded so wrong.

 What was she going to do? She lived in a one-bedroom apartment, she got a teacher’s salary. She barely had her life together, how was she supposed to take care of this one?

 Lacey’s words finally broke through. “The father knows what happened, but I haven’t told him your name.”

Regina looked up at her, her eyes wet with tears. “The father?” She whispered.

“He’s here…if you wanted to meet him.”

“No…no. I need…I need to think.”

Lacey nodded, pulling out a pad and scribbling on it. “This is a prescription, for a pill that would terminate the pregnancy. You have no obligation to talk with him. While it is his sperm, it’s your body. Your choice.”

 Abortion. Regina could get an abortion. Years of fighting for the pro-choice movement and suddenly, she was forced to make it herself.

 “Yeah, because that makes it so much easier,” she mumbled, taking the piece of paper away from her.

“If you do choose to carry forward…”

“She won’t be talking to you,” Emma interrupted. “You should lose your license!”

Lacey let out a deep breath, focusing in on Regina. “I am so sorry, Miss Mills. You have no idea.”

“You’re sorry?” Regina felt her blood boil. “You’re sorry?”

“I never meant for this to happen.”

“Well this is going to be real easy for you, isn’t it? You’re not the one that’s fucking pregnant.”

 She walked out of the room, slamming the door shut behind her. Leaning up against the wall, she felt her breathing pick up once again, the tears sliding down her face. Emma stepped out of the room, putting a hand on her arm.

“Let’s go back to my place. I asked Neal to take Henry to Cecelia’s. We can talk…”

“I’m sorry, but that’s the last thing I want to do.”

“You can’t do this alone.”

“I just need to think.” She wiped her eyes, trying to will herself to stop crying. “I’ll drop you off at home.”

“If you’re sure.”

 Regina wasn’t sure of anything. She just knew that if she let Emma coddle her, she was going to break. As they walked out of the office, she found herself looking around the waiting room. There were some men sitting there. Some were clearly waiting on the women in their lives, but one could very well be the father of the baby she was carrying.

 The baby she was under no pressure to carry to term, as the doctor told her.

 Regina had always tried to plan for even what couldn’t be. There was no way she ever could’ve done that this time.

#the virgin verse #outlaw queen #outlaw queen au #oq #oq au

[arcticdementor]

To be sure, this is a man speaking. But the fundamental quality of this kind of approach to art, culture, the public square, and the rest of it, is evidence of a disordered and out of control femininity. And an equally dysfunctional and abdicating masculinity. A comment left by Youngamconreader on another thread got me thinking about this. I think there is a direct connection between the sexual orientation and gender identity and "alternative family" topics that this blog often discusses, and what's going on in a story like this one, here. I think we are collectively experiencing a massive breakdown/derangement of sex, of masculinity and femininity, and the damage is felt in every single corner of our society and our politics. The "pink police state" (Poulos--check him out) that is coming into being is the product of a miserable and frustrated femininity, which holds the field almost without opposition due to the near-complete abdication of men, who are, sometimes I think almost "to a man," in today's society, nihilistic and disengaged. For those who would say Trump proves that this is not true, I would say look at how he stands alone--at least in America and indeed in the Anglosphere. Everybody agrees that he is sui generis; all of the establishment of his own party just wants things to go back to the way they were; there is nobody who even remotely resembles something like a successor. Also, it is telling that one of the major reasons he won is because he is an online troll, but rich and famous enough to do it under his own name; he is the stand-in for huge numbers of men who have nothing but contempt for today's world but who only reveal their views and feelings anonymously. In large measure, men are opting out. Our bourgeois and hugely wealthy and powerful nation is decadent and its people are soft and domesticated; and, what is worse, the men of sensitivity and intelligence, of taste and discernment, are disgusted by what they see -- a rotten culture of placelessness, hideous architecture and built environments, unbelievably bad art and culture, degenerate music, films made for lowest-common-denominator global audiences, films that are so much more hideous than what was being done for decades, even as early as the 1930s, that it boggles the mind (every single person involved in CGI production should be lined up and shot), universities that have destroyed their own liberal arts programs -- OK, I need to stop myself, but you get the point, they are disgusted by what they see -- primarily they are disgusted by the *domestication* of the people they are supposed to look up to and/or emulate -- and they withdraw. We know about the video game and pornography addicts, the shut-ins, the "incels," but there is very much more to it all even than that. In the meantime, there is relentless, endless, earnest propaganda directed at women like a fire hose, constantly telling them that the essence of their own womanhood is bound up with their bourgeois career success. Nonstop messages received during their schooling, on TV and the movies and the internet, from bougie parents, tell them that they should reach for the stars (by *working*, always by working) and never to settle for just being a mother or just a wife. This has been going on for a long time, and many Boomers are certainly true believers in it -- my Boomer mother certainly believes it like a religion, God bless her -- and it is certainly true that if you have no training or career you are going to be more financially dependent and/or more financially precarious, and the Boomers, who divorce at the drop of a hat, greatly fear that. But my generation and the generations after (I was born in the early/mid 80s) have been taught constantly and relentlessly that work/career is identity, is the *point* of life, and quite frankly women got it MUCH more than men did, since the idea was to correct or change the unfairnesses/biases/power imbalances of the past. And it has resulted in a huge number of women who are unhappy and unfulfilled. It turns out that a life of making PowerPoints or pushing papers or running workplace conflict-resolution trainings or whatever do not really fulfill people; those women who substitute career for family entirely, or who find themselves torn between the two and not very sure they are finding a balance that they will ultimately be very happy about when they look back on their life, know that something is not right. I think we all used to have a much saner approach back in the day, before "career" was a word much used, and before resume/CV culture was so widespread; people may have been a lot poorer, but at least they understood that a job was about doing something that somebody or other had to do, and putting food on the table and a roof over the head of their kids; at least people weren't being sold a bill of goods by their parents, their teachers, authority figures, and the culture as a whole about what the point of being human and living life really is. I don't blame women for being unhappy -- I think the way our culture *relentlessly* propagandizes women that their very femininity and their very identity is bound up in bourgeois career success is one of the very cruelest aspects of life in "late capitalism." It is worse for them than for us men. It is not just that there is nothing wrong with having and raising children -- an incredibly difficult and honorable job. It is that the vast majority of people are not going to find true purpose and meaning in a consumer capitalist society (or probably any other society) just via their work alone. Selling phones or cutting hair or writing ad copy or processing loan applications or playing the Pachabel Canon for the three billionth time at weddings might not be so bad, you might even like it OK most of the time, but it is not the same thing as, say, raising your child, at least not for most people, and certainly bourgeois career success should not be so incredibly inappropriately stressed in our society to the point where increasing numbers of women -- women who want kids! -- are waiting until they are 37 to start families and freezing their eggs and the rest of it. It is just cruel and it alone by itself is enough to make me strongly dislike this consumer capitalist system we live in. Women are unhappy and are sort of flailing about projecting their unmet needs and frustrated desires in numerous directions. They are frustrated with the aforementioned nihilistic and disengaged men, they are pissed that they work outside the home and inside it too and they still struggle to make ends meet and especially to find the time they need, they lose out because a consumer capitalist society constantly f***s them over by creating an arms-race situation for intrasexual competition. In a more conservative and traditional society, say a society that frowns on makeup, women do not have to compete in that sphere. But in a society like ours, if certain women have the money and time to do a lot with makeup, then suddenly large numbers of women have to spend the time and money on it too just to compete or keep up. This does not make women better off. A consumer capitalist society squeezes them constantly. A society in which the health-care system is a disaster -- and I don't care if you hold the typical liberal views about why it's a disaster or the typical conservative views about why it's a disaster -- hurts women more because they rely on it more for basic biological reasons. Woman carry a human being inside them for a significant period of time (if they have kids) -- nothing men have to deal with ever compares to that health/biological-wise. All that said, women today -- who are not being well served by our current economic/cultural/social orthodoxy, at all -- are playing a major/primary role in this disordered and I think semiapocalyptic woke politics. Chesterton was not afraid to write, and did write, about why he opposed women's suffrage, and he said that in human history, women *have* been queens (including some very good ones), have been monarchs, have certainly wielded power -- but it is precisely in the context of *democracy* that they have not had the vote, not in human history or at least Western history. And, indeed, as he put it, women have/had not been given the vote precisely because they are in some sense too powerful, they are absolute rulers in their bones in a way that men are not. There is something to this, even if in our age we cannot tolerate or hear it. One of the things that amuses me is the way -- and they used to do it more often than they do now, but perhaps you know what I mean -- conservatives often lament or attack depictions, in TV or movies, of the married couple where the man is a stupid shlub while the woman is the smart, knowing, sensitive, and competent one. I agree with the conservatives who see this as anti-male---sure. But to me, it really means something else. The reason we see men depicted this way and women depicted that way is because men tolerate it and women would not tolerate the reverse. What it means is that men give in, don't want to deal with it, don't want to fight, while women will NOT let it go, will do what it takes to make the man understand that it is NOT worth his time and energy to go there, to do X annoying or undesired thing, etc. So, we have men depicted as losers, and women depicted as anything but. There is a lesson here. This is *exactly* the same dynamic that we see with conservatives and liberals, with the Republican and Democratic parties! If, for example, Roe v. Wade was overturned, there would be an efficient, effective, organized, identify-every-single-pressure-point-and-*squeeze* response from upper middle class women that would bring the entire Republican Party to its knees within days. It would be a massacre the likes of which you have never seen. Every single HR and public relations department of every single company on the Fortune 500 list would tell the wholly owned and wholly craven Republican Party exactly what to do--stand now right now-- and that would be that. I don't mean to say that conservatives are all men and liberals are all women, but the conservative "spirit" of the current moment is very male (the natural law arguments! Good Lord!) and the liberal "spirit" of the moment is very female. And it is no contest, at all. Women understand that men are less socially adept (quick: what is the ratio of male autists to female autists?) and that men, while unquestionably stronger physically, are more conflict-averse and more predictable (as everybody knows, men want certain things and it's pretty easy to know exactly what they are and to use that information to one's advantage; whereas, as Freud so perfectly distilled, the question of what women want is itself so difficult to answer as to be a kind of female superpower) -- and women use this for everything it's worth. And today, in our democracy, we see the consequences, as a kind of feminine disordered or frustrated impulse holds the field basically unopposed. This idea that this mural -- to get back to the topic of the original post! -- needs to be torn down because "it makes the children feel unsafe" -- here we see a feminine sensibility both disordered and displaced but winning the field because there's hardly anything else with the will to stand up to it. The masculine counterpoint to this smothering mother has withdrawn -- perhaps to 4chan, perhaps to Pr0ntube. Conservatives used to love pointing out that in the inner city, the family had completely broken down to the point where the matriarch/mother was the only influence in childrens' lives and husbands and fathers had ceased to exist. Well, we see that now in our society/culture as a whole. Somehow, the mother alone, the feminine quality alone, does not yield great results, when not counterbalanced with the masculine.* Things become disordered and even monstrous. I am a gay man, and I can't help but think that, when I do this, when I write about this stuff, Camille Paglia (PBUH) should be my model and my inspiration, because she saw so clearly, and so strikingly, from the outside, so to speak, the great and immortal interplay and relationship between male and female that produces *all* of us, and that is essential to -- not only beauty and art, but order, form, and *lastingness*, things that do not die. We all and every one of us need a society in which the male and the female are counterbalanced and juxtaposed and brought together in a great tension and a great union. The disordered and indeed cataclysmic collapse of the male and female counterbalance is impacting us everywhere, and in ways we do not even realize -- I firmly believe that. There must be a return and rediscovery of the masculine force and the masculine will -- to connect this to the posts about open borders, to a masculine will that says "no, I am drawing a line" -- how many of you have read Sexual Personae, and the CENTRAL role that the idea of "drawing the line" plays in that book? Men "draw the line," which is why men have dominated almost beyond measure the realm of visual art in human history. There must be a return to this, or the nation will dissolve into the primordial swamp that Paglia says represents--not the feminine, but the feminine when outside of civilization, the feminine in a state of nature and crude and unformed.

Matt in VA

#quote #long quote #very long quote #matt in va #the american conservative #comments section