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anotherhumaninthisworld · 2 years

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Lucile Desmoulins’ diary

I’ve made a full English translation of the edition of Lucile Desmoulins diary (1788, 1789, 1790 and 1792-1793) given by Philippe Lejeune in 1995.

1788

At Bourg-la-Reine (the location of the Duplessis’ country house Clos Payan)

First part of my diary

Saturday 21 June 1788 — This morning Maman gave me a silk worm.

Sunday 22 — I've been bored all day, it's not… In the evening, around 10 o'clock, Maman and I laughed a lot at Mar (Lejeune thinks this Mar, that shows up multiple times throughout the first part of Lucile’s diary, must be one Sylvian Maréchal (1750-1803) author, atheist and proto-communist who would join Babeuf in the Conspiracy of Equals in 1796) and at Chien Maigre.

Monday 23 — This morning, before 8 o’clock, I went for a walk in the grove. The beautiful chaffinch was on the sumac. Seeing it, I say to myself: "If I can walk around it without it flying away, it's because..." I made a lap and a half, the beautiful chaffinch didn’t fly away! I await the event which must happen before the end of this year... Today I haven't worked on my story. There is a heavy downpour as I write. It's half past nine, I leave my pen and go for a walk while waiting for the day to end. It seems very long to me... I couldn't walk, it rained too much. I started to spin until supper.

Tuesday 24 — Saint John’s Eve. This morning I was arranging silkworms, P(apa) had just come into Maman’s room and I was in the salon. Leaving Maman, he was going to enter the salon, wanting to push open the door to it! P(apa) says I'm scared of him, that I was running away! My sister came to tell me that, and I, very angry, went to pick quarrel with P(apa). After dinner, we went to the park (Parc de Sceaux, according to Lejeune), we saw the water sprout in the fountains, we found M(onsieur) B. D and M(onsieur) G. We came back at 7 o’clock. We couldn't go for a walk after supper, it was raining, and Maman had a sore throat. I sang a little, then we went to bed.

Wednesday 25 — I read Gessner. I found a poem that made me laugh a lot, ”Le satyre.” I copied it.

Thursday 26 — The three of us went for a walk in the park. In the evening, we found a glowworm. We went to see it in the light and then we brought it back to the grove. We sat there. I sang Le Chien Maigre, which always makes Maman laugh.

Friday 27 — I want to finish my story, I cannot finish it! I take up the pen, I want to write, but nothing comes… I feel like running very hard. How do you do it? It's been raining cats and dogs all morning and the ground is completely soaked… For the moment, I remain in an inaction that no longer allows me to think. It seems to me that I am devastated, I cannot understand how I exist... However, I recover and remember the dream I had last night: I dreamed that I was on the edge of a precipipe, a man came to me, and, taking me in his arms, made every effort he could to throw me into this abyss; at this moment I felt this man hardening, I suddenly saw him turn into a big tree, the arms that were holding me became hard and big branches were already covering me, I was in a terrible stir, believing that I was going to stay that way forever! However, I managed to get rid of it, I started to run at full speed and woke up with a start...

Saturday 28 — I practised playing my piano all morning. The builders are here. At one o’clock, I did a little soaping. I was picking raspberries. After dinner, I finished my distaff. We have gotten ducks, I went to see them. I went to draw. I'm starting to get bored of writing down everything I do like this. In the evening, I went for a walk in the vegetable garden with Maman, I ate gooseberries, and then I was alone in the pavilion, I picked a little hornbeam which I brought to Lolotte, then I I was dreaming in the grove.

Sunday 29 — We went to mass, and laughed a lot at the vicar who almost broke his nose while saluting the high altar. M(onsieur) SR thought we were laughing at him! And on our way back we found M(onsieur) A who was coming to dinner. M(onsieur) Lg came too. We went for a walk in the Park, the S a and l.a were there but I did not see them, it was Maman who told me that. There came a terrible downpour and we had to hide under a yew. Madame and Mademoiselle le b.l also came there and, having recognized Maman, struck up a conversation. After the rain, they went away, we stayed a little longer, finally we returned very quickly. M(onsieu)r Lg left around 8 o’clock. M(onsieur) Lm stayed for supper, a carriage came to take him at 10 o'clock. After he left, P(apa) went for a walk in the salon, he seemed to be impatient that we were not going to bed. Finally he went away and I stayed a little longer to talk with Maman.

Monday 20 (sic) — I got up at 7 o’clock, I wanted to go get some raspberries, but I couldn't find the time. Maman made me arrange mulberry leaves, it took all my time, then I had to do my hair. Maman made her ratafia which I didn't find good. At dinner, while giving me soup, P(apa) told me that I hadn't made much progress in sonata, that I was rather busy with frills, with songs; I didn't answer, because I thought he was right. One is very strong when one is right... After dinner I went for a walk in the grove. I had fun breaking dead wood, then I found a snail. I examined it a little, I broke its shell, but having fallen onto my stomach it made me cry out loud, because this ugly beast was crawling on my stomach! I made a big hole and buried it. In two or three days I will go and see what has become of it. I came back, I filled a reel. Before unwinding it, I asked Maman if she wanted to write something on the paper on which I was going to unwind. Maman wrote, "Time flies like this thread between your fingers," and I added, "Maman, it flies even faster when I'm around you." Maman smiled. After that, I started drawing. The schoolmaster came to teach my sister. I asked him if he had decided not to write me verse, he told me that it wasn’t possible for him, but that he would try nevertheless. I composed a story about a drawing I made.

Wednesday 1 — We have been in les Alpes. (Lejeune was not able to identify this place. Lucile certainly can’t mean the mountain range which is situated 862 km from Bourg-la-Reine). We almost lost Moumoute (a dog) and Mar(échal) who went looking for her. In the evening, at midnight, I copied passages from ”l’Hymne au soleil.”

Thursday 2 — I copied ”La gelée d’avril”

Friday 3 — Maman wanted to read Mar(échal)’s ”L’Âge d’or,” but she couldn't read for long because she was yawning too much. I took it from her and went to read it in the grove. Maman annoyed me all evening by reading me passages from Grandisson, passages of which I did not know the subject.

Saturday 4 — This morning I went to read ”Les Noces patriarchales” in the grove. I found a tale that resembles one I made in ”L’Âge d’or.”

Sunday 5 — I read Grandisson. Monsieur Lamouxxx (same as m(onsieur) lg) came to dessert and brought a print at the bottom of which there were verses addressed to Maman. After dinner, I went upstairs to read a few passages from Grandisson, but I had to go back down to go for a walk with everyone, which annoyed me quite a bit, because I would have liked to read forever. After a while I came back up, expecting to have escaped the glum company again, but after a while they all came back! Finally Monsieur La. left at nightfall and I went to breathe in the grove.

Monday 6 — I didn't go out all morning, I did nothing but read. I read my little tale for Maman. I don't think she found it too pretty, she moved out of the salon.

Tuesday 7 — I haven't been out all morning. We went for a walk in the park. It was raining cats and dogs, we took cover and then… I don't think I need to write it down! I will remember… After half an hour, we got back in the carriage and then we came back. I sent to find the eggs. (j’ai envoyé dénicher les œufs) I got back up and we played badminton with Mar(échal). I spun. Do I need to tell everything? My God, how boring it is… We supped… And then we went back upstairs. I sang, I didn't really want to...

Wednesday 8 — This morning, when I woke up, I found my eye swollen. And my sister too... And Mar(échal) too... but it's charming. It's two o’clock as I write. The dinner bell rings, I must leave...

Mar(échal) went to L. I did not leave my piano. I would like to finish my tale, but I cannot. My God, how stupid I am… In the evening, what detours I had to take! We have come to the end of it. I did not sing.

Thursday 9 — We were, Maman and I, in the woods. What a delicious walk: cloudy weather, both of us melancholy, both with the same subject of sorrows… Oh Maman……

Friday 10 — After dinner we went to the grove. Mar(échal) didn't want us to see the romance he had made, but Maman took it anyways, then she whispered to me...

Saturday 12 — I didn't leave the salon, I wasn't playing my piano. In the evening, around 7 o'clock, we went to the park with P(apa). There came lightning and thunder, we went home.

Sunday 12 — I got up early in the morning to make Maman get up, but she kept me close to her to talk. She told me stories, we just laughed! P(apa) came to scold us, I fled into the salon. After a quarter of an hour the sky darkened, a terrible dust arose, and thunder rumbled. I was on the sofa, I got up, I sat down again, I was tormented, I wanted to read, I couldn't... The hail was falling, the thunder was starting again, I was looking all around to see if I could see it striking... I would be very curious to see it… Finally the storm stopped, and did not prevent La Mg (same as m(onsieur lg) from coming. He is a fearless man! The dinner bell is ringing, I'm going down.

The dinner was as sad as the character. Oh, how boring! We went to the green bench. The conversation was very interesting, indeed: it was about a hair being cut, and then we asked which side of the root it was! (il était question d’un cheveu qu’on coupait, et puis on demandait quel était le côté de la racine) He left at 8 o’clock. After supper, Maman and I talked about… I'm glad Maman agrees with me!

16 — One summer evening, overwhelmed with heat, I found myself in the grove, at home. I couldn't support myself. I would have let myself go if each tree had not served as my support. So I came to my piano. It was dark, absolutely dark. I fumbled around with my keyboard. “Come on, I said to myself, I must play a very cheerful melody.” No matter how quickly I moved my fingers, my piano only made muffled and plaintive sounds. Distant claps of thunder further augmented the mournful sounds I was making with my fingers. From time to time the sky was on fire. Finally, overwhelmed with sleep, I fell asleep, and my fingers were still on the piano. I slept for a long time. I had delicious dreams. I dreamed that I saw a shower of flowers under my feet. I saw a cloud forming, I felt myself being lifted, finally this cloud lifted me very high, but much higher than the imagination can. I felt very happy, lying on a cloud. Oh, what a pleasure! Then I saw the abode of the Lord. There was not what I had been told that one saw, gold, rubies, diamonds. There was nothing of all that man longs for on earth and hopes to find one day in heaven. I saw a mirror — I called it so, because I was not taught the name — I saw a mirror, it was white, of a celestial blue, it represented things that I cannot explain, since they are absolutely foreign to all that we see. But I was happy contemplating what presented itself to my eyes. I approached, I touched this mirror, I felt a sensation that I had never experienced. My soul seemed to exhale, I thought I was going to be separated from it. Oh, delicious moment, full of enjoyment, how short you lasted! I woke up when I was so happy... Instead of the cloud, I find my head on the piano, and the rain and thunder were still going their way...

Friday, Saturday, Sunday — I played the piano almost all night without stop. It’s a great pleasure for me.

Sunday 20 — P(apa) came with Monsieur m h l. and his nephew. La Mg came too. We had no shortage of boredom! He gave me ”la Romance du Saule”, which I had lost. In the evening, the carriage drove Monsieur m h l away. P(apa) did what he could to get La Mg to sit in the carriage, but this man is too tenacious, he didn't want to! He only left at 8 o’clock. A moment later Maman and I were walking down the road. At supper P(apa) talked about how bored he had been all day. Now he wants us to go to the Palais Royal. Great pleasure, we would be fine without it!

Monday 21 — At half past seven, I was at the pavilion. I sat in the grass for a long time. Several people came to the gate. It's very odd that for the past three or four days, I've always been thinking about…, he doesn't get out of my head. However, I don't like him. When I sleep, I dream of him! Since then, everything displeases me. Oh, I would like to see Melkam! (Lejeune suspects ”Melkam” might be some sort of anagram for ”Camille,” who had asked for Lucile’s hand in 1787 but not been given her father’s consent) How curious I would be to hear him speak, how he would teach me things! Always the same thought comes to besiege me, it's a very singular thing... Tell me, are you thinking of me or are you forgetting me? Ever since... every day I don't miss it... is engraved on it... I'll never call it anything else. It is to him that I have consecrated it, he will take my place. Maman made me tremble last night: she came to fetch the inkwell, I was in bed, she opened my drawer to take a pen, I was afraid she would take my notebook...

Tuesday 22 - At midnight, we were in front of Mar(échal). Maman told me about her dream on the way, it turned out to be true. After a few steps we found Mar(échal). We asked him for news, he told us that he had spoken to the Swiss, who had told him that he needed permission from the master. I sang after supper. We didn't walk for long. I composed, I don't know how, a romance, I believe it's a prayer to God, I'm going to transcribe it. Beings of beings, indefinite being, you whom the whole earth adores, you my only consolation, mighty God, receive the offering of a heart that loves only you! Enlighten my soul, teach me to know you! Alas, what mortal has this happiness? Teach me to know error, so that I do not fall into the dreadful abyss that surrounds it! O my God, why do you abandon your creatures? Look upon them favorably! Alas, what can I, weak mortal, do you hear my voice in the immensity you occupy, does it penetrate to you?…Pardon this doubt, it is the only one that will come out of my heart… Celestial being, enlighten my spirit...I hate the world...is it evil?...Why do you let it be so wicked?...Can you leave your finest work imperfect?...O my God, when shall I fly into your bosom, when will I be able, while contemplating your glory, to prostrate myself at your feet, to water them with my tears and to ask you for the forgiveness that you will have already given me? Filled with you constantly, I think of you... Are you a spirit?... What is a spirit?... Are you a flame? Ah, let it appear, this flame, and consume me! Come with me, never leave me! See, my mind is wandering. Do I know what I am?... My God, I don't know myself. What spring makes me act? Is it a part of you… oh no, then I would be perfect… Every day I ask who you are… Everyone tells me, and no one knows… What is the sun? It's fire. Alas, I know it well, but what is fire? We don’t know anything. I adore you without understanding you, I pray to you without knowing you, you are in my heart, I feel you and cannot guess you… You are the secret of nature, and it is this secret that we will not be able to discover… To you I can speak, you are above what man calls offence, this word means nothing to you, you cannot be offended. Open the eyes of the universe, my God! We are all blind, let us see this pure day that surrounds you! Make another miracle! Make yourself known! But no, it is in vain that I implore you, I am not worthy of your benefits… We will therefore have to crawl eternally… This happiness that we are looking for, where to find it? The man tries to dazzle himself. So when he forgets himself, he thinks he is happy... No, there is no happiness on earth, in vain we run after it, it is only a chimera! When the world no longer exists... Can it be annihilated... they say there will be nothing... nothing? What a picture! What, nothing?...nothing at all?...I get lost! This sun, will it lose its brightness, will it no longer shine? What will become of it? How will it be nothing? … My God, your power is very great. It's up to you to leave everything. We must therefore revere you and be silent. I leave the pen and go to bed. I'm dying to sleep... I still want to write something... I don't know what I'm saying... I'm leaving...

Wednesday 23 — M(onsieu)r b c wants to introduce Mar(échal) to Madame G, it could be that he… I hope that this will succeed and that this joke will become serious, that would amuse me a lot. Mar(échal) told Maman that I showed him through the window something very finely written that I hadn't wanted to let him read. Maman told him it was a diary I was doing. "Oh, will you show it to me, he said to me, when will you show it to me?" Never! It is for his nose that I write!… After dinner, I copied from Italian. We went for a walk in Cachan, we were very bored there. After supper, we took a walk. It was raining a little, but under the trees this rain was delicious. Maman wanted to catch me, but I was running faster than her. She called me back telling me she was going to tell me something. I came back, but I didn't trust her too much. She said to me, “You see all those trees, well, I saw them alive! They were soldiers. They were all arranged as you see them, when they were transformed into trees. Their leader was an old demon called Prince Tilleul, who had gotten it into his head to kidnap a young girl your age, whose name was also Lucile, she lived somewhere around here, in a muslin castle, but she had a fairy godmother who was always with her because she loved her as if she had been her daughter…” While Maman was telling me this, I saw that she was trying to pass a ribbon around me to tie me to the lime tree, but I took a big leap and she missed her shot! She called me back, but I told her: “On condition that you finish your story!” She told me she wanted to. The fairy, very angry, came to meet the battalion, armed with her wand; she said to him: ”Maroufle…” My God, my God, I don't remember more, I laughed too much! Where did Maman come up with all of this? I've never found her so crazy. The fairy poked her wand in the prince's jaw to find time to speak. She blew up his helmet, he fell down, he took root and was changed into sumac, and the halberds into poplars, and the mines into soldiers! And metamorphoses! It was pouring rain and we didn't feel it. Maman got hoarse from laughting and talking… We went to bed.

Thursday 24 — This morning I worked on my “Princesse d’Espagne”. I wanted to read the beginning, but it's so badly written that I can't get through it. What a time we spent, during and after dinner! How will it all end? How dearly pleasure is purchased! Alas, how should one do to be happy? What a joy to be independent! I am not, I who have no bond... All life is but an eternal slavery... I love only one person on earth, her alone! Yes, Maman alone makes all my happiness, everything else is indifferent to me. She's the only friend I want to have. Friendship with me has no sharing… What darkness, when I think about it. O you whom heaven created for our inversion, how well you fulfill your task! But take care that one day this sky does not punish you for the evils that you avenge us! Men, of what use would my complaints be to you, if you heard them? They would serve you as laughing stock… These reflections that I often make have relieved my heart, it needs it… Alas, what does heaven intend for me in the course of my life? What will become of me? The months, the days, how long they seem to me... How sad a fate is that of the woman... How she has to suffer! Slavery, tyranny, that is her lot. They still want us to love them! I believe that they would tolerate having altars erected for them, and, prostrating before them, censer in hand, ask their pardon for the evils they cause us to suffer! To them, we are celestial beings, nothing is equal to us. Ah! may they deify us less and leave us free! Caution must be our first study, we need it. If ever I form such a terrible bond, prudence, discretion will be my study... Oh, I will study him, whoever possesses me, I will be careful not to let myself be seduced... Always on mistrust! What a cruel thing… I will do what will depend on me to make him happy, but let him do the same, because happiness depends on both. But if he abuses my goodness, if he is ungrateful, if he is ungrateful, if he is unfaithful... ah! Which country is far enough to separate me from him, what seas will I not cross to be able to erase even his memory... What am I saying, where to flee, ah let's rather stay! I am happy in my misfortune. The thorns are still in bloom… If among these flowers, they sting me, let us endure it, and take care, by forming a tang of wishes, to find them deflowered! I don't want anything. The only thing I wish is to never have existed...

Friday 25 — P(apa) has not returned yet. All day I wanted to cry. I couldn't spend long walking with Maman. I withdrew as quickly as I could. I couldn't play the piano, I couldn't spin. I was going, I was coming, without being able to occupy myself. Maman got some side wraps. She came to ask me afterwards if I wanted to go for a walk with her. We went around, she hardly spoke to me, she came back, then I went back to the pavilion, I lay down on the grass.

Saturday 26 — I got up before 8 o’clock, I went to the pavilion. I am like a person whose spirit is absent. I don't understand myself, I don't know why I think or why I speak, I don't know what makes me act, in short I am like a machine. I cannot express what I am. I cannot understand what my being is. Ah, death is preferable to this kind of annihilation. To be, without knowing what one is, the singular thing! Maman is still locked in her room. I spent the morning, as well as the Friday afternoon, without being able to do anything, starting everything and finishing nothing. P(apa) hasn't come back yet. After dinner, I splashed in the stream, still with this absence of spirit, and the moment when I write is still the same. I only act on instinct.

Sunday 27 — Maman told Picard not to let M(onsieur) Lg in, but the order changed with M(onsieur) l f having come. My spirit is still absent. We went for a walk at the Verrieres pavilion, we had fun enough, we toured the chestnut forest. La mg was still walking ahead, he was looking for fern. He told us that in the rod there were the arms of the Empire, and he showed it to us. We got back in the carriage, L f left at 7 o’clock, L m didn't want to leave yet. Oh, what a man, how tenacious he is! We returned through the pavilion. Maman went to sit in the arbor lounge, I was walking near the gate. I didn't know what to do with myself, I was so bored. He finally left. Maman told him as she drove him home that she was going to have dinner in town next Sunday. Maman wanted to go home, but I said to her: "Let's sit on this bench, we have nothing to do." After a quarter of an hour a gentleman rode past. He was quite well dressed. He dismounted his horse and then passed. He went over to the other side of the road. In the meantime he passed an abbot with another gentleman. He says in passing that only one goddess was missing, that would make the three Graces… What is he getting involved in? Afterwards, the gentleman passed by the gate. Maman looked at him a bit, and I didn't pretend to see him. P(apa) entered through the pavilion door. He seemed to be in a very bad mood. "How you are dressed!" he tells us. He walked around and told us he believed he would lose his case. He went down the main driveway, Maman and I took the little one, we found him in the flowerbed, sitting. I asked for light and we went back up. While having supper, he told us that he had met a gentleman who knew him and who had praised him a lot for his house. This gentleman is a knight and a great talker. Talkative knight, probably some adventurer… He asked P(apa) for permission to come and see his house. P(apa) told him that it would please him, so we will receive a visit from the talkative knight. He has a house in Châtillon, but it is not as beautiful as ours. Really, doesn't he want to buy it? If he wants, he can stay at home!

Monday 28 — I got up at 6 o’clock, I went for a walk in the pavilion, I met P(apa), he walked a bit with me, I left him near the raspberry bushes. I went and threw myself on a haystack, I stayed there a long time. I found a few hours of happiness there. I was at my piano. Maman came to pick me up for lunch, we went for a walk for a while. She showed me a maze project that L mg pitched. It's not quite to his liking. I went for a walk in the evening with Maman, she was very melancholy. We sat opposite the gate, she didn't stay long for me, I stayed until 9 o'clock in the evening. This lack of spirit does not leave me. I dare not talk about it because I cannot explain what I feel, not understanding it. They would laugh at me.

Tuesday 29 — P(apa) took medicine. Maman showed me a maze she drew herself: it's charming, there will be an altar in the middle. At table P(apa) left for a moment, in the meantime Maman told me that we would go for a walk on the side of L'Hay. We went for a walk near the Cachan mill. I tell Maman in the evening that my diary was boring me, that I was going to let it go. She laughed it off, and then she told me it was about "looking busy, to say you're doing something you didn't want to show." What a great idea you came up with there, Maman! Go, it's because I won't show you anything more, there's really something to discourage! I will continue, however, but you will not read it!

Wednesday 30 — I found Maman doing paperwork to her secretary. She told me to sit down next to her, and then she told me that she sometimes found affectation in me, that I shouldn't have any in anything, that I shouldn't look for looking like no one, that she loved me better with my faults than with borrowed graces. Maman sometimes has strange ideas! She doesn't even want me to try to imitate her... Yet I often want to. I always have the sound of her voice.

1789

We went for a walk in Sceaux. I said to Maman: 'Why are we bored here, is it because there is no one here? It’s very beautiful though!” "You see," Maman told me, "there are some kinds of beauty that you don't like. We like loneliness. This bores us because it says nothing to our soul. A hut where one enjoys oneself, where one lives without sorrow, is incomparably more beautiful than a palace. There is no true beauty except that which pleases, just as there is no happiness except that…” She did not finish. I said to her: “Well, then finish what you were saying!” She sat down on the ground. I wanted to get her to finish, but she said nothing more and we both sat dreaming for a quarter of an hour. “There is no true beauty except that which pleases,” I said to myself…, “but that which pleases the greatest number must be the most beautiful. But if there is an individual who does not like it, what can be the cause?” I would have liked Maman to explain this to me, but there was no way of getting her to say a word. I don't even know if she saw me.

How upset I am! Everything I see only serves to despair me! Scourge of the earth, you whom heaven made to punish us... How tired I am of living, and I fear to die... Alas, why am I?... What am I useful for on earth? If I didn't exist... I don't know what I'm saying anymore. My mind is absent, I go to bed without thinking about where I am… What am I? Very little…

My piano spoke to me. It said two words that I couldn't understand. What does "sphindre" and "valstes" mean, I don't know. I'm going to bed. Maybe I will have a revelation? I will know what these two words mean… “sphindre” and “valstes”. Why did my piano say... I'm crazy!

They say that troops are coming to Bourg-la-Reine. Necker is not gone, he still reigns. In six months, in a year, what will have happened? What things will I see! What situation will we find ourselves in? We are still in uncertainty… O woman, cruel woman, woman unworthy of the sun that shines on you, what, will not celestial vengeance burst entirely on your head, will you triumph? Go, the day may not be far off when all the evils you cause will fall on you! You will groan then, but it will be too late! We won't complain! Fear the example of queens who, like you, have done evil! See: some perished in misery, others carried their heads on the scaffold. This may be the fate that awaits you...

O you whose delicate and light hand traced these words, these words the balm of my heart, you whose feeling so pure drove away from you the fatal prejudice, O my dear Olympe, it is to you that I send the hymn ”De l’amitié” with its engraving. Under the features of this chaste goddess you will easily recognize yourself. Yes, my friend, it is Friendship in prayer, it is at the feet of Truth which stretches out its hand to embrace her. I thought I had not had too much pride in painting myself under this figure.

Oh how the boring ones are long in the visits! Naughty xxxx, go, if you come here, I will run far away in order to not see you! The fire rises in my face... stupid Irishman! He pities the queen, he does not want to speak ill of her… What is he getting involved in? Let him go to his country! What is he getting involved in? We really need his help! He struggles to make us believe that he is French! Come on, you're Irish to the core and I'm French and I detest you! The weather is nice today.

The clock strikes midnight. What a silence! Nothing stirs. Is everyone sleeping now? My window is open, there is not a breath of wind, the clouds are not stirring. The moon would look good, but it is too covered. What is going on all over the earth at this hour? Is there only one being who thinks of me? If I heard a clap of thunder, how happy it would make me! On our way to the countryside, we encountered a procession. How ridiculous I find them, these priests, with their psalms! If I had power, I would abolish these foolish customs with their bread. When they sing, they sometimes make a patient die of fear! How low our religion is, it debases... What, men... Oh, what a lot to say! Be quiet, Lucile, let the men do what they want, close your eyes to their actions, you have nothing to do with them… They say that the Emperor is dead, that the Count of Artois is under arrest , that the count is exiled, that the queen weeps. This all sounds like very good news to me. When our enemies groan, we should rejoice.

Cruel moments, which have lasted too long!... The dreadful memory still comes to torment me... Ah, all my life I will remember it! Oh, what temerity! O you, happy inhabitants of these sweet lands, you guided by simple nature, how I envy your fate! Why was I not born among you? I have rage in my heart… Flow my tears, flow, relieve my pain or rather consume me! Perish my memory! May I be reduced to ashes, and may the winds scatter it throughout the earth!

One day, MC (Lejeune thinks ”MC” is yet another abbreviation for ”Camille”) was thinking about his portrait; he says to Maman: ”I would like to have a great reputation, do you know why? It's not for the glory, but to be free to do what I want. Then I wouldn't look ridiculous." "It's true, Maman told him, because one passes a lot of faults onto a great man."

1790

O you who are at the bottom of my heart, you who I dare not to love, or rather who I dare not say that I love, dear C(amille)…, you believe me to be insensitive!… Ah cruel!… Do you judge me according to your heart, and could this heart attach itself to an insensitive being? Well yes, I prefer to suffer, I prefer that you forget me... O God, judge of my courage... Which of us has the most to suffer? I dare not admit it to myself, what I feel for you! I only occupy myself with disguising it... You suffer, you say... Ah, I suffer more! Your image is constantly present in my thoughts, it never leaves me... I look for your faults, I find them, these faults, and love them... Tell me why all these fights... Why would I have to make a mystery even to my mother? I would like her to know it, to guess it, but I would not like to tell her... O sublime thought! To think, yes, it is a blessing from heaven... C(amille), I tremble to form only the first letter of your name... If someone were to find what I write! If you would find it yourself... Love... Ah, C(amille)...shall I be your wife? Will we be united one day? Alas, perhaps as I form these wishes, you forget me... Oh, pain! You, forgetting me... at this cruel thought my tears wet my paper, my eyes are troubled, I barely make out what I'm writing... That a tender soul has to suffer... Yes, don't know that I love you , go, flee, C(amille), go seek happiness near another… I will live far from you, I will learn one day that a link… Ah, would this link make you happy? Should you be so far from me?… I will have no reproach to make of you… it is I who am cruel towards me… You are going to make me cherish solitude even more… Your name that I have engraved in the corner of a tree, your name that only I can see... I call it the tree of mystery... Alas, very often I hold it in my arms, and when the wind shakes it, it seems to me that it’s you who breathe... It's in my garden that I write, sitting on the ground at the foot of my lawn, leaning my elbow, leaning my body, I'm alone... Drops of water fall, a ray of sunshine pierces the foliage… Maman went to Paris, maybe you're with her. But is it really true that you love me? You love me... you love Lucile... well if you love me, run away from me! I am a monster…I have everything xxxx… I can no longer think, I am annihilated……… I fall in spite of myself into daydreams… Oh, what is the human heart? What then am I? Me... you... and everyone... Why do I exist? These clouds that pass over my head, who makes them pass? C(amille), why this stubbornness to hide that I love you? Will you come back again... will I be able to run away from you wishing to be near you?... Will I still see you looking for my thought in my eyes, sometimes thinking I guess it, alarming you with a word that you have misinterpreted, Will I still hear you complaining to Maman about my indifference? What will be the end of all this? What will become of both of us? Alas, maybe separated forever, we will mourn our fate in silence… We will remind each other, and we will say “It is together that we should be happy”. Time will pass like this, death will overtake us, we die……..and in this cruel moment that we… This thought tears me apart! Oh, come, come put a veil on the future! July 16 1790

1792

June

Saturday 23 — Michelet came. How stupid he is! La Poype came. Poa poa!

Sunday 24 — F(réron) is scary. Poor simpleton, you have so little to think about. I'm going to write to Maman.

Monday 25 — Maman came to pick us up, imagining that there was a lot of noise.

Tuesday 26 — I was at Luxembourg with C(amille)

Wednesday — Madame D(anton) came, we played music.

Thursday 27 — Maman came.

Friday the 28th — I went with C(amille) and little Duplay to a an old madwoman’s. Ah! Great God, what carrion!

Saturday July 1 — I went to Lux(embourg), with C(amille)

Sunday 2 — Painful grief, will you pursue me unceasingly?

Thursday 5 — My head is spinning. I was madame D(anton) after dinner. (sic)

Friday — I gave birth. O God, what a change you have made in me! A second nature has just been born there. I am a mother! My eyes fill with tears, it's so sweet to be a mother.

Saturday 7 — They come to see me. One can't wait to see how I'm doing!

Monday 9 — He's gone! If they would have ripped my soul out, they wouldn't have hurt me any more. What a wound has come to my heart! Dear child, live! O God, live, you will be happy! My tears flow. Weak creature, alas, what will be your fate? You will never leave me. Oh how I love him!

Saturday 28 — It's been 3 weeks since I last wrote. I spent 5 days there (at Clos Payan) without seeing C(amille) He made a speech at the Commune and it made a lot of noise. My little one is doing well. I have great pain in my breast.

Sunday 29 — I have been very ill.

Monday 30 — Maman came. The Marseillais fought.

Thursday, August 9 — What will become of us? I can't anymore. C(amille), oh my poor C(amille), what will become of you? I no longer have the strength to breathe, tonight is the fatal night! My God, if it is true that you exist, then save men who are worthy of you! We want to be free. O God, the cost of it! And to make matters worse, my courage abandons me!

December 12 — What a gap since August 9! How many things! What a volume I would have filled if I had continued! How do I remember so many things? My memory escapes me… No matter, I will try to trace something. O my child, my dear child, what palpitation I feel when thinking of you! My son! Why then does this word make my tears flow?… On August 8, I returned from the countryside. Already the spirits fermented very strongly, one had wanted to assassinate Robespierre. On the 9th, I had some Marseillais to dinner, we had pretty fun. After dinner, we all went to D(anton’s). Her mother was crying, she was sad, her father looked dazed. D(anton) was resolute. As for me, I was laughing like a madwoman! They feared that the affair would not take place; although I was not at all sure, I told them, as if I knew it well, that it would take place. "But can we laugh too?" mde D(anton) said to me. ”Alas, I said to her, that presages to me that I will perhaps shed a lot of tears this evening! I was not wrong. In the evening we went back to Madame Charpentier (Danton’s mother-in-law). The weather was fine, we made a few turns in the street, there were enough people. We retraced our steps and we all sat down next to the cafe. Several sans-culottes passed by shouting “Vive la Nation!” Then troops on horseback, and then finally a bunch of people! Fear gripped me. I say to Madame Danton: “Let’s go!” She laughed at my fear, but by dint of telling her, she too became scared and we left. I say to her mother: ”Farewell! You will soon hear the toscin sound!” When I arrived at D(anton’s), I found madame R(obert) and many others there. D(anton) was restless. I ran to madame Robert, I said to her “will they ring the tocsin?” "Yes, she told me, but tonight." I listened to everything and did not say a word. Soon I saw everyone arming themselves. C(amille), my C(amille), arrived with a gun!… O God! I sank into the ground, hid myself with both my hands and started to cry. However, not wanting to show so much weakness and say aloud to C(amille) that I did not want him to get involved in all this, I waited for a moment when I could speak to him alone, and I told him all my fears. He reassured me by telling me that he would not leave D(anton). I have since found out that he exposed himself. F(réron) looked like he was determined to perish, "I'm weary of life," he said, "I only want to die." Every patriot who came I thought I was seeing for the last time. I went to the salon, which was without light, so as not to see all these appetizers. No one in the street, everyone had gone home. Our patriots left. I sat down near a bed, overwhelmed, devastated, sometimes dozing off, and when I wanted to talk, I was nonsense. Madame D(anton) and R(obert) reasoned. D(anton) went to bed, he did not seem to be in a hurry. He hardly went out. Midnight was approaching. One came to search for him several times. Finally he left for the Commune. The toscin of the Cordeliers rang, it rang for a long time! Alone, bathed in tears, on my knees by the window, hidden in my handkerchief, I listened to the sound of that fatal bell. In vain they came to console me, this fatal night seemed to me to be the last! D(anton) came back. Madame Robert, who was very worried about her husband, who had gone to the Faubourg Saint-Antoine as a deputy through his section, ran to D(anton), who only gave her a very vague answer. He threw himself on his bed. One came several times to give us good and bad news. I thought I noticed that their plan was to go to the Tuileries, Sobbing, I told them I thought I was going to faint... In vain did madame Robert ask for news of her husband, no one gave her any. She thought he was marching with the faubourg. “Yes,” she said to me, “if he perishes I will not survive him! But this D(anton) who remains in his bed, he, the rallying point, if my husband perishes I am the woman to stab him!” Her eyes were rolling. From that moment on I never left her. What did I know what could happen? To know what she was capable of… We thus passed the night in cruel agitations. C(amille) came back at 1 o’clock, he fell asleep on my shoulder. Mde R(obert) who was next to me seemed to be preparing to learn of her husband's death. “No,” she told me, “I can't stay here any longer! Madame D(anton) is unbearable to me, she seems to be calm, her husband does not want to expose himself!” The big day having come, I suggested that she come and rest at my place. C(amille) went to bed. I had a sling bed put out in the salon, with a mattress, a blanket. She threw herself on it and took some rest. I went to bed and dozed off to the sound of the toscin which sounded from all sides and which I still heard. We got up. C(amille) left, assuring me that he would not expose himself. Madame Robert, still uncertain if her husband still existed, did not exhale her pain but her heart was so tightly pinched that she turned yellow. We had breakfast. 10 o’clock, 11 o’clock passed without us knowing anything. We took some newspapers from the day before. Sitting on the sofa in the salon, we began to read them. She was reading me an article, it seemed to me during this time that the canon was fired, but, uncertain, I listened several shots without saying anything. They became more frequent. I tell her: “They fire the canon.” She listens to it, hears it, turns pale, lets go and passes out! I undressed her. I myself was ready to fall there, but the need to help her I found myself in gave me strength. She came back to herself. Jeannette (the Desmoulins’ housekeeper) was screaming like a goat, she almost rolled the m r q. who said that it was C(amille) who was the cause of this. We heard shouting and crying in the street, we thought that Paris was going to be all bloody. We made arrangements, and we left to go to D(anton’s). They shouted ”to arms” and everyone ran there. We found the door to the heart of the trade closed. We knocked, shouted, no one came to open the door. We wanted to enter through the baker's, they closed the door in our face! I was furious. Finally we were let in. Madame D(anton) ran up to us to see how we looked, she was soon informed when she saw the silence of one and the tears of the other. We waited long enough without knowing anything. Finally they came to tell us that we were victorious. At 1 o’clock everyone came to tell us what had happened. A few Marseillais had been killed. But the stories were cruel. C(amille) arrived, he told me that the first head he had seen was that of Suleau. Suleau had come the day before and had, so to speak, asked him for asylum. Robert was in town and had before his eyes the dreadful spectacle of the Swiss being massacred. He came after dinner to give us a horrible account of what he had seen, and all day we heard nothing but what had happened. The next day, the 11th, we saw the Marseillais convoy. O God, what a sight! How our hearts were heavy… C(amille) and I went and slept at R(obert’s). I do not know what fear agitated me, it seemed to me that we would not be safe at home. The next day, the 12th, when I returned, I learned that D(anton) was minister. This news gave me great pleasure, especially when C(amille) came to tell me that he was secretary. It took eight days for me to recover from the astonishment of everything that had happened. Maman came. What projects we made! If all this could last... I thought I would have the power to do good to whom I wanted. Vain chimera! I couldn't do anything... After eight days D(anton) went to stay at the Chabcellerie, madame R(obert) and I went there in our turn. I really liked it there, but only one thing bothered me, it was Fréron. Every day I saw new progress and didn't know what to do about it. I consulted Maman, she approved of my plan to banter and joke about it, and that was the wisest thing to do. Because what to do? Forbid him to come? He and C(amille) dealt with each other every day, we would meet. To tell him to be more circumspect was to confess that I knew everything and that I did not disapprove of him; an explanation would have been needed. I therefore thought myself very prudent to receive him with friendship and reserve as usual, and I see now that I have done well. Soon he left to go on a mission. I was very happy with it, I thought it would change him. But many other cares to be taken… I realized that D(anton)… Oh, of that one, I was suspicious! I had to fear the eyes of his wife with whom I did not want to be hurt. I did so well that one did not know that I had noticed it, and the other that it might be. We spent three months like this quite cheerfully. At the end of this time C(amille) was appointed deputy and we returned to our first home. Now I have made new acquaintances, whom I hardly care about and whom at the first moment I will leave there. F(réron) is back, he seems to be still the same but I don't care! Let him go mad if he wants!…My poor C(amille), go, don’t be afraid…

Thursday, December 20 — I had dinner at Robert's. Égalité came to tea.

Friday 21 — Madame Ro(bert) came to fetch me. Tallien, Chabot and Thuriot were there. Thuriot is a bloody pig, his face is so ugly that it stinks. He took great liberties with Mme Ro(bert). She was pushing him back but not too hard, not to say weakly. She tells me, however, that she dislikes him very much. After dinner we went to the Italians, we gave raval. Blue Beard.

Saturday 22 — I went to see Maman. I went to supper with little Brune at mde D(anton’s). How detestable she is!

Monday 24 — We had dinner at mde D(anton's), madame R(obert), B(rune) and B(oyer) were there. After dinner the men asked themselves if they should go to the Jacobins. They said yes. We were asked if we would go. We say no. Madame D(anton) said to me: ”do you want to spend the evening with me?,” I said yes, but soon I did not know what to do. Brune suggested I go to the theater! It was very embarrassing. Madame Brune said aloud: “I have never been to the Jacobins, I would be very happy to go there.” "Well, I'm going with you," I tell her. Finally, here we are, all ready to leave, when I see madame Brune and Boyer whispering in each other’s ears. I, like a fool, go to ask them what they’re saying to each other. Madame R(obert) told me that she was very embarrassed, that she would like to go with us to the Jacobins. I was very kind, I said a few words to her that meant nothing, then I went into the antechamber. She came there soon and told me to wait for her, that she was going to follow me, she came back near madame D(anton). Brune came and told me “let’s go”. I followed her saying: ”but madame R(obert) who wants to come?” Finally, we are hardly in the middle of the staircase when we hear someone who says “here they are, here they are!”, then we descend with astonishing speed, and when we are in the street we run even harder. We took a fairly long detour. God knows how we laughed! Nothing, too, was more comical. We went to Vaudeville, still laughing. We saw “Arlequin cruel.” They came to have dinner with us. C(amille) told us that madame R(obert) had seemed very stung, and that she would blame me for it. It bothered me all day.

Tuesday 25 — I had dinner at Maman's. Blanc Bec came there and dined with us. I urged him to come. We made mademe R(obert) angry, we cut her hair. After that we came back to my place where I got dressed. Madame Brune came, she was in a bad mood over having to go there. We were preparing to leave immediately if she looked down on us. She almost wanted to. Finally she received us joking very finely. Incidentally, it was very boring. We came back at 10 o’clock. Brune had supper with us.

Wednesday 26 — I had dinner at Brune. Mademoiselle D came there. After dinner we went to a comedy.

Saturday 29 — C(amille) is sick.

Tuesday, January 1 — Brune brought me a box of sugar. The xxxxx has come. Panis and Danton.

2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15 — I was at the Convention.

16, 17 — I was at the Convention, I spent the night there, I got to know Madame Dubois-Crancé.

18 — I went to bed at 8 o'clock in the morning. Nothing is over yet.

19 — After dinner we went to the Convention with Maman. We thought they wanted to beat each other up.

20 — I was at the Convention. Finally we win.

21 — F(réron), La P(oype) came in the evening.

22 — Capet was put to death today. Everything happened with perfect calmness. Roulette (nickname for Madame Brune) dined with us. F(rerón) sent us venison. We spent the evening at Roulette’s.

Tuesday 22 — Ricord came to see me. He is always the same, very brusque and coarse, truly mad, giddy, insane. I went to Robert’s. Danton came there. His jokes are as boorish as he is. Despite this, he is a good devil. Madame Ro(bert) seemed jealous of how he teased me… F(réron) came. That one, he always seems to sigh, but his manners are bearish! Poor devil, what hope do you hold? Extinguish a senseless r (sic) in your heart! What can I do for you? Complain... No, no, my friend, my dear C(amille), this friendship, this love so pure, will never exist for anyone other than you! And those I see will only be dear to me through the friendship they will have for you. My sister went to Rouen.

Wednesday 23 — We went to Madame Boyer's to see the procession. I saw that unfortunate Saint-Fargeau. We all burst into tears when the body passed, we threw a wreath at him. After the ceremony, we returned to my house. Ricord and Forestier had arrived. I was unable to stop my tears for some time. F(réron), La P(oype), Po, R(obert) and others came to dinner. The dinner was quite pretty and cheerful. Afterwards they went to the Jacobins, Maman and I stayed by the fire and, our imaginations struck by what we had seen, we talked about it for a while. She wanted to leave, I felt that I could not be alone and bear the horrible thoughts that were going to besiege me. I ran to D(anton’s). He was moved to see me still pale and defeated. We drank tea, I supped there.

Thursday the 24th — What does this statement mean? Why do I need to be praised so much? What do I care if I please? Do you think I'll be proud of a few attractions? No, no, I know how to appreciate myself, and will never be dazed by praise. To you, you're crazy, and I'll make you feel like you need to be smarter. Madame Robert came.

Saturday 26 — We had dinner at madame R(o)b(ert). She gave me a ring.

Monday 27 — I picked up madame R(obert) to go to the Convention. About her case, there was no question. She took us to Dejan's. There was a stupid aristocrat there.

Tuesday 28 — I saw l. m at madame Robert’s. We only stayed there for a moment. We were going to hear a harp playing at Madame Pouxxx's. She missed xxx xxx leaving that we had. The playing was postponed until the next day.

Wednesday 29 — We went back to hear the harp. My God, that was pitiful. They wanted me to sing, but I, seeing the different faces and grimaces of each individual, right in the middle of my song, I laughed and I didn't continue, thank God! We had dinner at D(anton's), where I just laughed, because I was preventing Brune from eating by saying "poa, poa, poa". D(anton) too couldn't keep himself from laughing.

Friday 31 — Ricord, Sy and two Marseillais and Blanc Bec came to dinner. Madame Saint-Ange came to see me in the morning to promise me to go to the opera. We have been there.

Saturday, February 1 — C(amille) took medicine. Sy came. He took his cap. Mademoiselle D has returned.

Sunday 2 — We had dinner at Madame Delinière's.

Monday 3 — I went to see madame D(anton). Sick. La petite Brune gave me her ring. She had dinner with me.

Tuesday 4 — We had dinner at Dillon's. Sy gave me a ring. Mademoiselle D is gone. Have a nice trip!

Wednesday — I went to dinner with Santerre's brother-in-law. C(amille) voted against Dillon. He wasn't happy to be there. He was afraid... It was made up of a few aristocrats.

Thursday 6 — I had dinner with Maman. I went to see madame Da(nton)… She is very ill.

Friday the 7th — I had dinner at Madame Saint-Ange's. From there to the opera.

Saturday — C(amille's) brother came. We had dinner at Madame Brune's.

Sunday 9 — We had dinner at m(onsieu)r xxxxx. Madame Danton is ill. She has given birth to a girl.

Monday 10 — I had dinner with Maman. Madame Danton is dead.

Tuesday 11 — We dined at Roulette’s. Maman came there.

Wednesday 12 — We were, Roulette and I, on the boulevards. From there, to madame Charpentier to where madame Robert came. Roulette dined with us.

Thursday 13 — I had dinner with Maman.

#lucile desmoulins #desmoulins #camille desmoulins #frev #french revolution #annette duplessis #danton #george danton #fréron #stanislas fréron #long post #gabrielle danton #louise de kéralio

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