5 years - Hannix AU
A/N: I already explained here how I'm planning to proceed with this chapter. In case anyone is interested... I listened excessively (and by excessively, I mean very excessively😅!) to Rhythm of my heart by Rod Stewart and Nur 1 Minute by Hecht (song in swiss german from one of the best swiss bands there is😍!) for the whole chapter but especially during writing the flashback scene. Since I suspect that I'm the only swiss german speaking here, I tried myself at translating and adapting it here😬😅. I DO NOT have any rights at the song and I'm not claiming to! The song belongs entirely to Hecht and their production company!
I hope you enjoy🥰!
Taglist: @sweetwhispersofchaos
Warnings: almost drowning (losely based on a personal experience), angst, lots of fluff💗
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Chapter Five
The first hour at the beach passed by quickly. The Fitches called and apologized for being late, but apparently Shannon’s sister had spontaneously decided to visit San Diego and therefor they went out to meet her for lunch. They would join later though.
Natasha and Penny chatted the whole time, laughing at their husbands and daughters who kept chasing each other in the water and on land. Penny told her about the sailing trip she had taken with Maverick and Amelia and Natasha reported what had happened at dinner yesterday.
“I bet it was pure chaos”, Penny chuckled.
“Oh yeah, that it was”, Natasha answered and turned her gaze to the water, just in time to catch Jake dunking their former instructor under water.
Lynn and Amelia squealed in delight, jumping out of reach to evade the same destiny as Maverick. Jake chased them down, but Amelia was a fast swimmer and managed to get to the beach before he could reach her. Lynn wasn’t as lucky. He caught her ankle and yanked her back, holding her upside down just above the water.
“What are you gonna do now, princess, huh?”, he asked, smirking devilishly.
“Let me down, daddy!”, Lynn yelled, giggling and fighting against his hold on her, but she had no chance.
“You sure you want me to let you down? You’re gonna get dunked”, he warned playfully, slowly lowering her.
“No! Stop!”, Lynn gasped, punching her little fists into the water.
“Hold your breath”, Jake instructed and dunked her, headfirst, under water.
Once she was under water, he let go of her ankle. In attempt to quickly resurface, Lynn kicked wildly, causing the water to churn and bury her beneath it. Wherever she looked, there was water, which burned in her eyes. The waves, even though they were small and gentle, added to keeping her underwater. She couldn’t reach the surface, no matter how hard she tried. Why did no one help her? Couldn’t they see that she was unable to help herself? Lynn started to panic. She cried out as loud as she could, swallowing a ton of water in the process. Her lungs protested heavily, turning her whole body into a shaking mess. A primal fear settled deep in her bones, fueled by her natural will to survive. Where was her dad? Would he let her die? Was he looking for her and couldn’t find her? Or couldn’t he reach her?
For Lynn it felt like an eternity when it was really “only” a few seconds until Jake managed to grab her around her hips and pull her to the surface. Lynn coughed and gasped for air; her cheeks tinted in a deep pink color. Jake’s playful mood was instantly gone, worry overtaking his features.
“Hey Princess, you okay?”
Lynn was still gasping and holding onto him as if her life depended on it. Her small fingers dug into his arm and her eyes were wide with shock. Jake brushed her wet blonde locks out of her face, holding her close to his chest. Ensuring that she was safe.
“Lynn are you okay?!”, he asked a bit louder, his voice full of worry and a tiny bit of fear.
He was still new at this parenting thing, but he could see that she was still fighting for breath. That she wasn’t alright yet. His heartrate picked up speed, making his heart pound against his ribcage. Has she been underwater for too long? Would she lose consciousness any moment? Has she been seriously injured?
Lynn nodded slowly, taking deep breaths, and rubbing the salty water out of her eyes.
“Yeah, I’m fine”, she finally answered, but her voice trembled slightly.
“You sure?”
Jake didn’t fully believe her. And he didn’t like the look in her eyes; not at all. She was still scared. His little girl was scared, and it was his fault.
But Lynn nodded again and loosened the tight grip of her fingers a bit.
“I’m okay, daddy.”
Jake hugged her tight, burying her face in his neck, and soothingly stroking her back.
“I’m sorry, princess. I shouldn’t have dunked you like that. I didn’t want you to get hurt or scared. I’m so sorry”, he rambled, his heart still beating out of his chest.
“It’s fine daddy. I’m fine”, Lynn assured him, pulling back to look at him.
She smiled brightly, the rosy color already disappearing from her cheeks. She gently cupped his cheek.
“You didn’t hurt me, daddy. I’m okay. Just a little shaky”, she admitted, already giggling again.
Jake smiled back at her, but his expression was pained.
“I think we should take a little break. Yeah?”
Lynn nodded. Jake carried her back to the shore where he put her down to let her run off. He trailed behind and took some deep steadying breaths, attempting to calm his racing heart. That had almost gone wrong. He’d almost lost his daughter, one day after returning home. He watched her run straight at Natasha, flinging herself into her mother’s arms.
Nat almost lost her because of me, he thought.
That thought did nothing to calm his heartbeat. And it caused a string of questions to form in his head. Which was unusual for him since he rarely ever questioned himself. A no-go at his job. But right now, these dangerous questions clouded his mind as he stood a few feet in front of the picnic blanket, staring blankly into nowhere.
Was he made for this? He hadn’t even been around his daughter for twenty-four hours and already came way too close to killing her. Would he ever be a good father? He’d already missed the first five years of her life and barely managed to keep her alive. He didn’t know what he was supposed to do should she feel sick or unwell. He didn’t know what she liked or hated. He didn’t know what kind of music she liked to listen to or what audiobooks she enjoyed. Who her friends were. At what place she enjoyed spending time. His heart sank.
He knew nothing about his daughter.
A good father knows his children. Every façade of their personality. He would hold them on their bad days, helping them through their struggles and pull all the tricks he knew to cheer them up. He would be there when they experience big achievements to cheer on them, his heart exploding from love and pride. He is their biggest fan, come hell or high water. He loves them with every fiber of his being.
Jake sighed. He is Lynn’s biggest fan, that fact is undiscussable. He loves her more than life itself, also undiscussable. But he doesn’t know anything about his daughter. And only love is not nearly enough to make me a good father, he thought.
His face must have reflected the content of his inner monologue since he earned a concerned look from his wife when he walked up to them.
“All good?”, she asked while braiding Lynn’s hair.
Penny eyed him curiously while reaching into her bag to retrieve a bottle of water for Lynn. Jake swallowed hard and reached for his shirt first, yanking it on before grabbing his flip-flops.
“I – ehm… I’m gonna take a walk. Be right back”, he stuttered and marched off without waiting for an answer.
“Daddy? Where are you going?”, he heard Lynn call after him.
He didn’t stop, instead increasing his pace. He needed to get away or else his daughter would see him crying. He couldn’t let her see how much that incident in the water had shaken him up.
“Jake?”, he heard Natasha’s concerned voice from afar.
Still, he kept walking away from them.
*-*
“What just happened?”, Natasha asked, utterly confused, and mildly concerned.
“I don’t know”, Penny answered, watching Jake march down the shore with furrowed brows.
“Daddy!”, Lynn cried and attempted to run after him, but Natasha held her back.
“No baby, stay here. Stay with Penny, I’m gonna go look after Daddy”, she ordered and sat her daughter down next to Penny.
“Where is Jake going?”, Maverick asked, as Amelia and he returned from the water.
“I’m gonna look after him. Keep an eye on Lynn, please”, Natasha asked while putting her sundress back on and throwing her sunglasses onto her bag.
After quickly stepping into her flip-flops, she jogged after her husband.
Lynn, the clever child she was, wanted to use the momentum to run after her parents, but Penny caught on quickly and grabbed her arm firmly, pulling her back onto the blanket.
“No, no, no young lady. You stay here”, she chuckled and put her arms around Lynn, hugging her tightly to her chest.
“But Mommy and Daddy–“
“Your parents are fine. Don’t worry, sweetheart.”
Lynn fought against Penny’s hold for all but one minute before giving up and engaging in a conversation with Amelia. Maverick and Penny exchanged a worried glance, silently communicating with their eyes. But soon enough, the girls dragged them right into their conversation.
*-*
He’d just gained back at least some control over his feelings when he heard her calling him again.
“Jake, wait!”
“I’m fine”, he shot back without turning around.
“No, you’re not. Don’t try to fool me”, she retorted and grabbed his arm.
“Let it go, Nat. It’s nothing.”
He yanked his arm out of her hold, trying hard not to let her see the tears glistening in his eyes. But he’d forgotten how stubborn his wife could be. She ran ahead of him and stopped him by putting her hands on his chest, clearly annoyed because of his behavior. But her next snappy retort died on her tongue the moment she saw his face.
“What’s wrong?”, she asked instead, her voice laced with worry.
“Nothing”, he tried to deflect again, but she saw right through it.
“Please Jake, talk to me. What’s wrong? Is it too much, being here with Maverick, Penny and Amelia? Did I do something? Or Lynn?”
“What? No!”
“What is it then?”
He averted his gaze, looking at the waves lapping at the shore. Anywhere but at her. He couldn’t tell her, or rather, he didn’t want to. He was afraid of her reaction, fearing she would slap him across his face for nearly taking away their daughter from her and tell him to stay the hell away from them. He couldn’t bear to lose them a second time. His heartbeat fastened underneath his rips and his breathing picked up speed too. Fear crept up his neck and sent his thoughts spinning inside his head. He shut his eyes tightly, curling his hands into fists at the side of his body. Was he having a panic attack? He didn’t know because he couldn’t think straight. He felt like he had a ton of weight on his shoulders, that was slowly crushing him. He knew he should tell her, but he couldn’t. His throat was tight and dry, making it impossible to speak.
Natasha watched his features change and knew that he was fighting something. A memory maybe? A flashback to his time over there? She didn’t know and she didn’t want to ask, fearing she would scare him away and make everything worse. So, she took his hand, squeezing it gently before bringing it up to her lips to kiss his knuckles. Grounding him; or at least an attempt to. Like in their early days as a couple, it worked wonders.
“She almost drowned.”
His voice was no more than a whisper. Hadn’t she been hyper focused on finding out what was wrong, she would have easily missed it.
“Lynn?”, she asked nonetheless, just to clarify.
He nodded barely visible.
“She’s okay”, Natasha answered simply, mostly to buy herself some time to sort out her thoughts.
Her heart did a somersault at his confession, nonetheless she stayed calm. Lynn was fine, hadn’t said a word when she came back to the picnic blanket. She had looked fine too, maybe a bit out of breath but no serious injuries. Nothing to worry about.
“No – it’s…”, he began, running his free hand through his hair, “I’m not even twenty-four hours around her and she almost dies! I can’t… I–“
“Jake, she is fine. Nothing happened because you were there. Everything is fine.”
“No, nothing is fine, Nat! I almost killed her! My own daughter!”
“Stop, please–“
“I’m supposed to protect her, not put her in danger! She’s supposed to feel safe with me! How is that possible if she almost dies on my watch?!”
“Hey, look at me”, she interrupted, cradling his cheek in her palm and turning his face to her.
He looked devastated, self-conscious and so much not like himself that it broke her heart.
“She’s fine. Lynn is fine. Nothing happened, okay?”
“I’m not made for this… I should… I’ll never be a good father. I missed out on too much and I have no idea what I’m doing. That’s a horrible environment for a child to grow up in. I can’t do this.”
Natasha shook her head, gently wiping away some of the tears that had escaped his eyes.
“All you’re saying is nonsense and you know that. You are a good father”, she insisted, searching his eyes.
He looked at her, cautiously putting his hands on her waist. He needed to hold onto something to ground himself. And as she had been for many years, she was his anchor. He surrendered himself to this feeling of comfort that he’d been missing for the past five years. She had never failed to make him feel at ease when he needed it the most.
“Most importantly, she is safe with you. I know that and she knows it too. She trusts you blindly, Jake. Like I do.”
Her words helped settle his heartbeat. How she did it was a mystery to him and would most likely remain that. However, against his inner urge to be in control, he let her lead him. Away from his doubts and fears, back to himself.
“And she knows how much you love her, I made sure of that.”
Natasha smiled at him, still framing his face with her hands.
“I told her, from day one, how much her Daddy loves her. How badly he wanted to be her Daddy. How he wanted to wrap her up in his strong arms and never let go. How much he cried when she came into this world.”
They shared a laugh at the memory. Natasha was glad to see some of the tension leave his shoulders.
“She knows, Jake. She’s always known, and she promised me to never forget it. Besides…”
He raised his brows when she remained silent for a couple of seconds.
“Do you seriously think I knew what I was doing when we had her? And what exactly makes you think that I know what I’m doing now?”
He chuckled, pressing his forehead against hers.
“I’m still figuring out this parenting thing. And as I heard from our friends, that never stops. But I’m so glad that now I don’t have to do it alone after all”, she admitted, smiling widely and brushing her thumb over his cheek.
Jake pulled her into a tight hug, trying to express his gratitude and love on that way. His throat was still way too dry to speak. She buried her face in his neck, reveling in the feeling of home. Because that was what his arms felt like. Home.
*-*
They still took that walk Jake intended to. To calm themselves in the first place, but also to enjoy some time alone. The opportunities would be rare in the next few days, so they savored every chance they got to just be together again. Although that conversation from last night in the kitchen was still hanging in the air, they didn’t mind. Now wasn’t the time to talk about that. Jake promised to tell her when he was ready, and Natasha believed him.
Strolling down the beach, hand in hand, they basked in the comfortable silence for a few moments before Jake spoke up.
“I remember why we fought so hard to stay here”, he remarked, staring at the horizon where the water seemed to sparkle, “The view’s still as beautiful.”
Natasha chuckled, tightening her grip on his hand just a little more.
“Long time ago”, she stated absentmindedly.
“Feels like forever and yesterday at the same time”, he agreed and stopped suddenly, positioning her in front of him.
His arms wrapped themselves around her waist from behind and his head settled on her right shoulder. She held onto his arms, leaning back into his chest and closed her eyes when he dropped a kiss on her cheek. They enjoyed their moment quietly, letting their eyes wander over the sea.
“Since then, we got married and became parents… Can you believe it?”, she asked, chuckling softly.
“Crazy… We were so young back then.”
“Well, I don’t know if one considers 29 young–“, she countered and yelped when he started tickling her sides.
“Are you calling us old, Misses Seresin?”
“Who said anything about me?”, she quipped and squealed when he turned her around and threw her over his shoulder.
“Let me down!”
“I’m gonna carry you like this for the rest of the day”, he threatened playfully and started walking back to their friends.
“No, Jake! Let me down!”
“Not a chance!”
“I’m serious! Let me down, right now!”
She pounded his back, not too hard, but with enough force to get her point across. Suddenly, she lost her balance and almost fell forward too far, so she instinctively grabbed the hem of his shirt for support.
“Jake!”, she gasped.
He laughed devilishly and adjusted his grip on her hips and legs, pulling her further up. She forgot to let go of his shirt and pulled it up his back a bit. When she realized that, she froze. There were scars on his back, varying in length and healing status.
She saw them for the first time. Last night, during their passionate hours in bed, she hadn’t seen them because of the darkness. She hadn’t even felt them while roaming his back because she hadn’t been particularly focused or able to form coherent thoughts. But they were there. She resisted the urge to trace them with her fingers, not wanting to reveal to him that she’d found them. There must be a reason he hadn’t shown her yet or told her about them. Although she was more than willing to find out why he got them, she didn’t want to pressure him too much. He’d tell her, once he was ready.
Luckily, Jake didn’t seem to notice that she’d frozen above him or that she’d pulled up his shirt. Slowly, she let it fall down, covering his scars again.
“Maybe if you ask nicely”, he answered instead.
She could hear the smirk in his voice and rolled her eyes, nonetheless unable to fight the smile that crept on her lips. Truth be told, she was relieved, even if the scars worried her. He was back to himself, to the man she had fallen for and vowed to spend the rest of her life with.
“Please”, she conceded swallowing down her pride.
Slowly, he lowered her back down into the sand, before pulling her in for a kiss. She gasped against his lips before kissing him back, her hands gently weaving through his hair.
“I love you”, he whispered when they pulled apart for air.
“I love you”, she replied just as softly.
They kissed again, then intertwined their fingers and headed back to their friends.
*-*
“Everything alright?”, Penny checked, when they took a seat moments later.
Jake nodded and put on his sunglasses, before lying down with his hands behind his head. Natasha chose to keep her sundress on this time, stretched her legs out and copied his position, reaching for her sunglasses and pushing them onto her nose.
They barely had a minute before Lynn all but flung herself down on Jake’s chest and yelled at him to join her and Amelia for building a sandcastle.
Natasha expected him to ask for a minute of rest, but Jake nodded his head and let her drag him with her. Natasha shook her head, smiling.
And he worried he wouldn’t be a good father, she thought.
Their daughter was spoiled rotten with the amount of attention she got from him. Natasha wondered whether it would be a problem when Monday rolled around, since Lynn had to attend kindergarten then and would definitely not be getting that much attention there.
“Penny for your thoughts?”, a voice interrupted her train of thoughts.
She glanced over, looking directly into the curious eyes of Maverick. Penny had left them on their own to take part in the sandcastle building process.
“Oh, umm… yeah, I was just thinking about what Jake and I talked about before”, she answered cautiously, trying to buy herself some time.
“Is he okay?”
Maverick nodded down into the direction of Jake, observing the scene.
“Yeah–“
“I mean, is he really okay?”
“What?”
She looked at Maverick, confused. Maverick sighed, lightly shaking his head.
“He’s doing a good job at playing it cool, but - after everything he's been through, I don't know… it's impossible to just put it away. I wonder if the long-term effects have already started or if he still has enough strength to suppress everything...”
She kept her gaze on Maverick, her heartrate picking up speed.
“Do you know what happened to him over there?”, she breathed out.
She was desperate to know, and she was willing to use every chance she got to gather some information. Maverick pressed his lips into a tight line.
“Has he told you anything yet?”
“No. He keeps brushing it off as a long story and that he doesn’t want to talk about it. And I respect that, but… I need to know. I want to help him, but I can’t do that, when I have no idea about what he went through. So, do you know something?”
“He should be the one telling you”, Maverick deflected, studying Jake from afar.
“Please”, Natasha pleaded, gently touching Maverick’s arm to get his attention.
“I… I can’t, Phoenix.”
“Please!”
She rarely begged like this, but Jake’s well-being was very close to her heart.
“No. I can’t betray his trust. He… He begged me not to tell anyone and I won’t break that promise. He’ll talk about it when he’s ready.”
Maverick smiled sadly at her, apologizing with his eyes. Natasha sighed in defeat. Then, a thought occurred to her. Questions that had been sitting in the back of her mind since this morning in the kitchen.
“How did you know he was alive? How are you involved in this?”
Maverick’s eyes widened and he clenched his jaw, remaining silent. Natasha looked him dead in the eyes, waiting, but her patience was fading fast.
“Phoenix–“
“No! With all due respect, sir, I have enough of everyone keeping me completely in the dark! So, answer my question.”
Maverick sighed, hiding his face in his hands for a moment. She was about to demand again when he exhaled loudly, hugging his knees, looking at the horizon.
“Fine”, he conceded, “it started with–“
“Phoenix!”, Payback called out, Shannon and the kids walking up behind him.
Natasha almost cursed her friend’s timing out loud, took a deep breath instead and swallowed down her frustration, before flashing her friends a smile and getting up to hug Shannon. Her expression changed immediately though when only Payback was in her eyesight. Upon seeing her face, Payback pursed his lips and raised his brows.
“Did we interrupt something?”
“It’s fine”, Natasha brushed off, trying her best to mask her disappointment, before bending down to press a loud kiss on the cheek of her goddaughter, Hailey.
“Hi sweetie”, she cooed and wrapped the girl up in her arms.
Hailey hugged her tight, a huge smile on her face. They had a special bond, practically from the day Hailey had been born. When Payback and Shannon had asked her to be Hailey’s godmother, Natasha had burst into tears; a rare thing to happen, at least before Jake’s accident. But becoming the godmother of the first-born dagger squad baby was such an honor, that even Natasha had teared up about. Hailey was an absolute sunshine and, much to Natasha’s delight, Lynn’s chosen role model.
“How are you?”, Natasha asked, putting Hailey down into the sand and brushing a hand through her curls.
“I’m very happy”, the ten-year-old answered, “because I got a good grade in mathematics last week!”
“Oh yeah? What did you get?”
“An A plus!”
Natasha high-fived her goddaughter with a proud smile on her face. Hailey was a genius in math, acing almost every exam at only ten years of age.
“She definitely inherited that from Reuben. I was terrible in math”, Shannon grinned, taking Hailey’s flip-flops and stashing them away.
“Hi auntie Phoenix”, Sam waved, before running straight over to Amelia, Penny, Jake and Lynn.
Natasha didn’t even have enough time to answer him before he was already out of earshot. Delilah fought against the death grip her father had on her arm to avoid the sunscreen he wanted to put on her face.
“Come on, Delilah. It’s for your own good. Believe me, you don’t want to get a sunburn”, Payback tried for what felt like the hundredth time.
“Here, let me help you”, Shannon laughed and crouched down onto the picnic blanket she’d laid out.
Hailey put on sunscreen by herself and only checked with Natasha to see if she had missed a spot, before running over to join the sandcastle building crew. Shannon and Reuben busied themselves with Delilah while Ally glanced longingly down the shore to the others. But she stayed right where she was, knowing that she wasn’t allowed to go near the water without her swim west on. Luckily, Natasha knew that and helped her put it on.
“There you go, now you can join them”, she smiled and cupped Ally’s cheek gently.
Ally smiled widely at her before taking off. Only a few instances later, Delilah was up and ready to join her twin sister, her laughter delighting the grown-ups who stayed in the shadow.
Natasha wished she could ask Maverick to take a walk with her to resume their conversation, but that was inappropriate. So, she sat down next to Shannon and started chatting with her to distract herself from what she’d learned today. But no matter how hard she tried to fight it, occasionally, her gaze would land on Jake and her mind asked all these unanswered questions again.
*-*
Thanksgiving, one year ago…
A gentle breeze blew across the patio, displacing the daytime heat that was still building up here in Texas, even in late November. Natasha stretched her nose into the air and inhaled the familiar scent of fresh hay and the rose bushes which were planted in front of the patio. It was a wonderful end to today, especially considering the date. Thanksgiving was, unsurprisingly so, her least favorite holiday of the year and had been causing downright discomfort for four years. She was certain she would never fully get back to liking the holiday, but under these circumstances, she would at least come to tolerate the celebration.
For the first time since Jake had died, Natasha and Lynn spent Thanksgiving in Texas with Nancy and Jeff Seresin. Although Jake had never been super close with his parents, they’d always had a friendly relationship, especially since Natasha and later Lynn had joined the family. Jake’s parents loved their granddaughter dearly and had been a part of her life since her birth. And they loved Natasha. Usually, mother and daughter-in-law are not expected to have a great relationship, and Jake was worried at the beginning that due to his own dispute with his parents, they would give Natasha an even harder time. But those worries were unnecessary. From the first meeting on, Jeff and Nancy had been very friendly and even kind to Natasha, welcoming her into the family with warm smiles.
*-*
“She’s a good soul and she makes you happy”, Nancy had said to her son when Natasha was out of earshot.
“Yeah, she does.”
“I think I’ve never seen you happier”, she smiled and patted his arm lovingly.
Jake smiled back. It was one of the nicest honest conversations he’d had with his mother since his sister’s death. Although the wounds of that story were still deep and caused a great distance between him and his parents, he felt that they were taking steps towards each other again. Whether that had something to do with a certain dark-haired woman who was currently being toured over the ranch by his father, he wasn’t 100% sure. But the odds were pretty good.
“I hope it works out with her.”
Jake took his mother’s hand and squeezed it gently.
“I really hope so too.”
He’d left his hometown with a black velvet box containing a very special ring, which he gave to Natasha not long after that first visit to Texas. The rest is history…
*-*
“She understands where he is”, Natasha stated absentmindedly.
She sat at the big wooden table, her arms crossed over her chest and her legs stretched out. Nancy sat next to her, with her hands folded in her lap and her legs crossed. The used dishes from dinner were still on the table, along with a half-empty wine bottle.
They currently watched Jeff hold the rope of Lynn's horse, Sissi, and laugh with his granddaughter who was sitting on the wooden fence, patting the horse. With his other arm, he braced Lynn’s back to keep her from falling off the fence.
“She does?”, Nancy asked, not tearing her eyes away from the scene on the lawn of the ranch.
“On her first day of kindergarten back in September, the parents were allowed to stay for the first hour. Most children had both parents with them, even if they were already divorced or separated. Except Lynn, obviously. When it was time for me to leave for work, I wanted to say goodbye. Lynn was playing with that girl she had become friends with during the first five minutes, so I walked up to them and overheard their conversation. The girl asked her about her dad, where he was, why he wasn’t there and Lynn…”
Natasha had to take a deep breath to steady herself. She felt like she was transported back to the original moment. Reliving it in front of her mind’s eye, together with all the feelings.
“Lynn said… My daddy is with the angels, there where the ocean meets the sky. He watches over me and mommy… Then the girl asked if her mommy has brought home another daddy and if she misses her right one. And Lynn, my smart little daughter, answered casually… We miss him every day, but we don’t need anyone else. It’s just me and mommy.”
Nancy drew in a breath, still looking at her granddaughter, then her lips curled up into a small smile. Natasha shook her head slightly, feeling a few tears well up in her eyes.
“She is too clever for her age…“
“What?”, Nancy asked, turning her head around for the first time.
Natasha sighed, biting her bottom lip before continuing.
“She should be angry, hurt… I don’t know – absolutely furious with me! She should cry and scream at me!”
“Why?”
Nancy reached over and laid her hand on Natasha’s arm.
“Because she is four years old and doesn’t have a father!”, Natasha sobbed, barely keeping herself together.
Her mother-in-law gently stroked her arm, attempting to sooth her. Nancy had trouble understanding where this was suddenly coming from or why her daughter-in-law was seeing things that way.
“I can’t see what you’re trying to tell me, sweetheart”, Nancy calmly responded, still stroking Natasha’s arm, “because she has a father. She knows who her father is. He’s just not able to be here, be with her.”
“But that’s the point!”
“I’m sorry, I don’t get it.”
“Why did I have to fall for a fellow officer, of all people?”, Natasha sighed, wiping at her cheeks and gently shaking her head.
Even though Nancy knew that Natasha only sounded so defeated because she had an emotional moment, not because she truly meant those words, the fact, that she said them anyway, stung. More, than she first realized. Suddenly, Nancy feared that Natasha regretted her decision to choose Jake. But that was certainly not the case, right? They‘d been so in love… so excited when they learned that Lynn was on the way. They never once mentioned that it had been a bad decision to keep the child. Or to have married each other in the first place…
„I didn’t want that. I knew what I was signing up for when I joined the Navy. Hectic life, no real place to call home, most likely no long-term relationships… I was okay with that. I didn’t need anyone but myself and my family, which is always on my side. And then?”
She stopped and sighed again, rubbing her hands over her face. Nancy didn’t utter a single word, nervously chewing on the inside of her mouth. She was not sure whether she’d like where this was going.
“Then, Jake happens. He comes into my life with a capturing smile and irresistible charm and turns everything upside down… God, did he infuriate me! I thought we would just be at each other’s throats ‘til the end of our lives, but no… Oh, was I wrong about that.”
Another beat of silence followed.
“Instead, he becomes one of the best things that has ever happened to me. I never believed that those sappy romance novels have a point when they claim that you’re on cloud nine when you’re in love. Another thing I was wrong about. With Jake, I was floating. We had our problems, our disputes… which couple doesn’t? But not once did I think about leaving him! Not ever. At the end of the day, he was the one I wanted to call first when I succeeded in a new and difficult maneuver, when I saw a particularly beautiful sunset, when I won a sparring battle against one of my colleagues… he was the first and last thing I thought about every day. When he asked me to marry him, I was over the moon, as pathetic as that sounds. I wanted nothing more than to become his wife. Which was already risky for my heart.”
Natasha bit her lower lip, brushing her finger over the rings on her left hand. Even after four years, she still couldn’t take them off. Whenever she considered it, she felt like she was cheating on him.
“Suddenly, there was someone other than my family that could lose me. There was someone I could lose. I was able to accept that because the time I got to spend with him was more than worth the worries during a deployment. I strongly believe each one of us would have been able to cope if the other hadn’t come back from a mission. That’s a risk the job demands we take… But when I got pregnant, that was a different story. It wasn’t about just us anymore. We faced a responsibility, a huge one. There was now a little person… a tiny, helpless human that couldn’t live without us… that shouldn’t have to grow up without one of us.”
She watched her daughter laugh heartily and saw all the similarities Lynn shared with Jake. The joy featured on her face in the same way it used to on Jake’s. The laugh sounding from deep within her belly. The dimples on her cheeks. Natasha’s heart soared and ached equally.
“However, it was never up for discussion that we keep it. Best decision of our life. Nothing can compare to the feeling we had when we got to hold her for the first time. When her beautiful eyes opened for the first time and took in the world around her. All of these firsts that we witnessed together made the worries worth it. We still knew that it was possible that Lynn could lose one of us. But somehow, even with that mission coming right up, we convinced ourselves that it wouldn‘t happen to us. I guess that was silly“, she smiled sadly and took Nancy‘s hand to squeeze it gently.
“You were hopeful, that’s not silly”, Nancy pointed out, squeezing her hand back.
“Let’s agree on hopeful in a naïve way”, Natasha replied, shaking her head while watching Lynn and Jeff walk Sissi back to the stable.
“Anyway… I don’t even know where I was trying to go with this”, Natasha admitted, looking at her mother-in-law with wonder in her eyes.
Nancy laughed. It was clear where Jake and now Lynn got their laughter from.
“Originally, you started this with telling me that Lynn understands where Jake is”, she offered, smiling.
“Right, yeah”, Natasha chuckled, looking down at their interlocked fingers, “well, I don’t know… it felt like a gut punch hearing her say that. It reminded me that it’s my fault that she doesn’t have a dad–“
“For heaven’s sake, Natasha, it’s not your fault!”, Nancy interjected, exasperated.
She hated that Natasha kept saying that.
“It is”, Natasha insisted, meeting her gaze.
“No, it’s not. We can’t choose who we fall in love with, that’s the simple truth. It’s one of the few things that are decided over our heads. And to be honest, I’m not sure if that’s a bad thing.”
“That’s not what I meant. I’m not regretting Jake. Did you think I do?”
Her mouth formed into a little o-shape and she furrowed her brows. Nancy chose to stay silent, but that still gave her earlier thoughts away.
“I’m not, I swear! I didn’t want you to think that. God, how could I regret him? He’s the father of my child! The love of my life! I treasure what we had – what life has given us. What we’ve built together. I wouldn’t exchange it for anything. Never. What I wanted to say is, I should have told him to stay at home. He would still be here had I done that.”
“You can't know that! If not on this mission, he might have died on the next one.”
“There wouldn’t have been a next one”, Natasha released shakily, covering her mouth with her right hand, averting her gaze for a moment.
“What? But… how?”
“With his next promotion, he would’ve been able to apply for a position as an instructor. We might have had to move, but the risk of him dying would have been reduced many times over.”
“But I thought he only gets promoted if he flies the mission in Afghanistan?”
“We thought so too, but Cyclone enlightened us shortly before Jake made his decision. He would have gotten his promotion, but a year or two later. He would have had to do one or two more longtime deployments, but those would have related to less danger.”
“Oh…”
“Yeah… see why it’s my fault? I should’ve insisted that he goes for the safer route. He was worried that we’d lose the house, but I would’ve even slept under a bridge if it meant that he was still alive and with me!”
“Oh honey, I’m so sorry”, Nancy said and reached over to brush away a few of Natasha’s tears, “it was a horrible decision Jake had to make. My boy was forced to choose between the safety of his family and his own... and you know what? Even if you’d asked him to play it safe and go for the longtime deployments, he would have still chosen to go for the mission. He wanted to be able to offer you a safe and stable life, in the house of your dreams filled to the brim with love. That was my son. And if it meant that he had to risk his life for it, he would’ve done it over and over again.”
Natasha pressed her lips together and nodded, watching Jeff and Lynn come back from the stable. Her mother-in-law was right. No matter how many times he would have been forced to make that decision, her husband would have given his life for the safety of his family every time.
*-*
“Mommy, come look how funny Grandma looks in this picture!”, Lynn yelled from the living room.
Natasha smiled while she finished drying the plate she was currently holding and put it onto the pile on the counter. Jeff, standing next to her and rinsing the last wine glass, chuckled and nodded into the direction of the living room.
“You better hurry before she comes to drag you over there”, he laughed.
“You sure? We’re not done yet”, Natasha checked.
“Don’t worry, there’s not much more to do anyway. I got it.”
She patted his arm, smiling at him thankfully, and left the kitchen to join the other two ladies. Nancy held a photo album in her lap and Lynn was squished into her side, gazing intently at the pictures presented to her. When Natasha walked up to them, Lynn lifted her head, a giant smirk on her face.
“Mommy, look”, she said and pointed at an old photograph sitting in the middle of the right page.
It was indeed a funny picture of Nancy. It had been taken on a beach day; the position of the sun made it almost too dark to see anything. Nancy wore a giant sunhat and made a funny face at the baby lying on the blanket in front of her. The baby’s laughter could almost be heard through the picture.
“Yeah, she looks funny. She’s making a grimace, like you do sometimes.”
“Do I look like that too when I make a funny face?”, Lynn asked, giggling.
“Mhmm”, Natasha nodded.
Lynn had to try it out immediately, sending her mother and grandmother into a fit of laughter. Once she recovered from it, Natasha shook her head and kissed her daughter’s hair, plopping down next to her on the couch. Lynn’s attention was already back on the picture.
“Who is the baby, Grandma?”, she asked, her finger tapping onto the picture.
“That’s Caroline”, Nancy answered, staring absentmindedly at the baby.
Her eyes turned glassy, and she skimmed the baby’s head with her fingers.
“Who is Caroline?”
Natasha sucked in a breath. Lynn gazed at her grandmother, intrigued by her answer. Nancy slowly turned her head towards her grandchild, smiling sadly.
“Caroline is my daughter. She’s your daddy’s sister.”
Natasha pressed her lips together, nervously observing the conversation from her spot next to Lynn. They’d never mentioned Jake’s sister to Lynn before. When she’d been pregnant, she and Jake had talked about the topic “Caroline”. They’d discussed how they wanted to approach it, when the right time was, who’ll be the one initiating the conversation and so on. They’d also talked to Nancy and Jeff about it, checking with them whether they were envisioning the “right” way. Ultimately, they decided to wait until Lynn would be a little older, until she’d be able to properly understand the story behind “Caroline”. But since Jake had died, that plan had been thrown out the window, like so many other plans they’d made…
“Daddy has a sister?”, Lynn asked incredulously, her eyes almost popping out of her head and her mouth slightly agape.
She looked like one of those comic characters and almost made her mother and grandmother laugh. They would’ve if the topic at hand weren’t such a serious one.
“Yeah”, Nancy answered simply.
“I didn’t know that. Where is she? Can we meet her sometime?”
Lynn whipped her head around and met Natasha’s eyes.
“Did you know daddy has a sister, mommy?”
“Yes, I know.”
“Can we meet her? I want to meet her!”
She started to bounce excitedly on the couch like she had a sugar rush.
“That’s not possible, Lynn”, Nancy interjected, gently grabbing Lynn’s hands.
“Why not? Does she live too far away?”
“She’s… Caroline’s not with us anymore, sweetheart.”
“But… I don’t understand… where is she?”
Nancy met Natasha’s gaze for a split-second, took a deep breath and looked back at Lynn. Natasha didn’t dare to breathe, her heart beating violently against her ribcage.
“Caroline is with the angels, just like your daddy.”
*-*
From that moment on, the evening had developed into a disaster. Lynn had stared at them, mouth agape and confusion written all over her face. When neither her mother nor her grandmother had made further comments, she’d started shaking her head, accusing the adults around her of lying to her. She’d looked from one face to the other, desperation taking over her features. Even Jeff hadn’t been able to calm her down. She’d thrown a tantrum, started screaming, and evaded the comfort offering hands, running out of the backdoor onto the lawn. Trying to escape the lying adults. Natasha had caught up to her midway to the stable, scooped her up and hugged her tight to her chest.
“It’s okay, baby. I’ve got you”, she’d whispered into her hair, stroking her daughter’s back.
Lynn had cried, holding on tight to her mother after she’d realized that she wouldn’t be able to escape any further.
“Why is everyone around me with the angels?! It’s unfair! I don’t want that!”
Natasha’s heart broke, tears glistening in her eyes. It was indeed unfair.
“I know, baby, I know it’s unfair…”
“Why does this always happen to me?!”
“I don’t know, sweetheart. I wish I knew”, Natasha answered, carrying her back to the house.
Lynn kept sobbing in her mother’s arms, barely looking at her grandparents who stood at the patio door. Nancy wanted to brush her hand over Lynn’s head, but the little girl jerked her head away. Natasha apologized with her eyes and kept walking towards the stairs.
Nancy and Jeff didn’t follow.
*-*
Upstairs, she headed straight for the guest room, silently changing Lynn into her pajamas. Their whole nighttime routine passed silently; the only sound was Lynn sniffling sometimes. She laid her down onto the bed, carefully and lovingly draping the sheets around her. Lynn gazed up at her, clutching her stuffed white sheep tightly against her chest. Natasha brushed a lock of her blonde hair out of her face, gently cupping her cheek.
“I know you’re hurt because you miss daddy, and that you won’t be able to meet his sister. But you can’t be angry at your grandparents, okay? You know, I couldn’t meet Caroline either. She’s been with the angels for a very long time, much longer than daddy.”
“Why is she with the angels?”
“I’ll explain that to you another time. It’s a very long story that I don’t want to tell you by myself. I’ll talk to grandma and grandpa about it and we’ll decide how and when to tell you, okay?”
“But I wanna know!”
“And you will, but not today. Somewhen in the future.”
“Tomorrow?”
Natasha sighed at her daughter’s stubbornness.
“I don’t know. Let’s leave it at that, okay?”
“You’re lying to me again!”, Lynn snapped, sitting up, anger flickering in her green eyes.
“I’m not lying, Lynn”, Natasha retorted, gently pushing her to lie down again, “I’m protecting you and doing what’s best for you. I promise we’ll tell you. Can you trust me on that?”
Lynn searched her eyes, apparently considering her mother’s offer. Eventually, she nodded slowly. Natasha smiled at her, kissing her on her cheek. She attempted to get up when Lynn spoke up again: “Mommy?”
“Yes?”
“I miss daddy”, Lynn confessed, on the verge of tears.
Natasha gasped and sank back onto the edge of the mattress, pulling her daughter into her arms.
“I know, sweetheart. I miss him too, so much”, she cooed, stroking the back of Lynn’s head.
Lynn rubbed at her eyes when they pulled apart a moment later and Natasha helped her brush her tears away. Her heart broke all over again and every breath she took hurt.
“I wish I could bring him back for you. I’d do anything to bring him back for you”, she whispered, bringing Lynn’s hand up to her lips and kissing it.
“Can’t the angels just give him back?”
She let out a little laugh at Lynn’s suggestion, gently shaking her head.
“I wish they could… but you know what? He’ll always be with us. In here”, she said and put her hand on Lynn’s chest, right over her heart.
Lynn looked down, furrowing her brows.
“He lives on, right here in our hearts. In yours, in mine, in your grandparents’… in uncle Rooster’s, uncle Coyote’s and all our other friends’. Wherever we go, he’s with us and watches over us from one of the clouds, where he sits right next to his sister. They keep us safe.”
“Are they our guardian angels?”
“Yes, they are.”
Lynn sniffed and thought for a moment, then a smile broke out across her face.
“I kinda like that”, she said, clutching her stuffed animal back against her chest.
Natasha smiled down at her and pressed another kiss to her cheek.
“Me too. Sweet dreams, baby.”
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Maybe if Mrs Fitch wants women to “have it all” and not choose abortion for careers she should focus on passing paid maternity leave for American mothers.
In September 2021, Mississippi's chief legal officer sat down for an interview with Pro-Life Weekly, a Catholic television programme featuring anti-abortion activists.
Lynn Fitch looked how she almost always does during public appearances: dyed-blonde hair blow-dried straight and neat, tasteful jewellery and a monochrome suit, this time in powder blue.
The attorney general was there to celebrate. The United States Supreme Court had just announced the date it would hear her state's challenge to Roe v Wade, the 1973 ruling that has, for the nearly 50 years since, served as a nationwide guarantee to abortion access.
The case, Dobbs v Jackson Women's Health Organization, centres on a Mississippi law that would ban abortion after 15 weeks of pregnancy, even in cases of rape or incest. Under Ms Fitch's direction, the state asked the Supreme Court to uphold the law and slash the landmark Roe v Wade decision in the process. A ruling is expected this month. A leaked draft suggests it is likely that Mississippi's ban will be upheld, paving the way for other states to also outlaw abortion.
Ms Fitch - who declined to be interviewed - had argued that overturning Roe v Wade would be "game-changing", "uplifting" women by eliminating what she described as a false choice between family and career.
"Fifty years ago, for professional women, they wanted you to make a choice. Now you don't have to," she said on Pro-Life Weekly. "You have the option in life to really achieve your dreams, your goals, and you can have those beautiful children as well."
If she wins the case, and Roe v Wade falls, some 40 million women may lose access to abortion, pro-choice advocates warn. It could also make Ms Fitch, a single working parent of three, a Republican superstar and poster-child for her own argument: modern women don't need abortion to have it all.
Abortion was not always an animating theme of Ms Fitch's political career. When she first took public office, as Mississippi state treasurer in 2011, she pushed for legislation that would guarantee men and women were paid equally.
Her convictions were shaped in many ways by her upbringing, and especially her experiences as a single mother, says Hayes Dent, a long-time friend and colleague, who ran her first political campaign.
When Mr Dent first met Ms Fitch, she had just been named executive director of the Mississippi State Personnel Board, a state agency, by then-governor Haley Barbour. Mr Dent was immediately impressed.
"Having been around every major political figure in Mississippi for 40 years, I could just tell: she's going to run," Mr Dent said. "And when she pulls that trigger, she's going to be successful."
It wasn't for another couple of years that she did, launching a campaign for state treasurer.
Whens he launched her first political campaign, for state treasurer in 2011, "she was an underdog," said Austin Barbour, a national GOP strategist (no relation to former Governor Barbour).
Mr Dent, who had kept tabs on Ms Fitch, reached out to her in the middle of that 2011 cycle and asked to come on board her campaign.
"I said 'Look, I think you can win this race,'" he recalled.
She accepted, and the two ran an ambitious campaign, even driving the length of the state in a day, making a handful of different stops and placing fundraiser calls in the hours between.
"Her attitude was 'what is the task at hand,'" Mr Dent said. "It'd be like 'Look, we've gotta go to the tobacco spitting festival.' And she'd do great! She wouldn't spit tobacco, but she was great."
The only reason Ms Fitch would turn down a campaign event was her kids, cutting out early to make a school basketball game or parent-teacher conference.
She was a natural campaigner, but fundraising lagged, so Mr Dent asked her father for a personal donation.
Bill Fitch still lived in Holly Springs, the small, rural town near the state's northern edge where Ms Fitch spent most of her childhood.
Her father had inherited land on the historic Galena Plantation and used the sprawling 8,000-acre property to restore the family farm, turning it into a premier quail hunting destination. The late Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia, and Mississippi governors Barbour and Phil Bryant, became frequent guests.
Visitors of Fitch Farms could elect to stay in the former home of Confederate general and first grand wizard of the Ku Klux Klan, Nathan Bedford Forrest, which Mr Fitch had bought and transported onto the property.
Ms Fitch has told local media of "special" childhood memories at her father's farm, riding horses and hunting quail.
As a teenager, she was the "prototypical popular girl", Mr Dent said. "Leader, cheerleader, athletic, the whole nine yards," he said.
She went to the University of Mississippi, joined a sorority and graduated with a degree in business administration and later in law.
When Mr Dent drove to her father's farm to make his pitch for a campaign donation, he said: "I told him if I left there with a big cheque, she was going to win".
She won, and then won again four years later, securing a second term as state treasurer.
In this office, she targeted state debt, expanded access to financial education in the state, and advocated for equal pay laws (Mississippi remains the only state that does not ensure equal pay for equal work between men and women).
Rifts split America's abortion 'ground zero' state
US Democrats' bid for federal abortion law fails
And she developed her knack for connecting to voters, leaning on both her Holly Springs upbringing and an apparent ease in the public eye.
In interviews and campaign videos, Ms Fitch looks preternaturally poised. She makes easy eye contact, her speech slow and relaxed, often thanking God and her family for the opportunity to serve her state.
"Rural roots matter to voters in this state," said Mr Barbour, the Republican strategist. "And she's very likeable, she just is."
Ms Fitch also helped bolster her conservative credentials with her support for then-presidential candidate Donald Trump, leading Mississippi's Women for Trump coalition in 2016. When Mr Trump was in Jackson for a campaign rally, she sat in the front row.
Two years later, Ms Fitch announced she would make a bid for Mississippi Attorney General - an office that had never been held by a woman.
But she wasn't the underdog, and glided to victory in November 2019 with nearly 60% of the vote on a promise to uphold "conservative values and principles".
As a devoted Republican in a solidly Republican state, where Ms Fitch stood on abortion was taken as given, even if she didn't run on it.
Across the country, about 60% of Americans say abortion should be legal in all or most cases, according to data from the Pew Research Centre. But among Mississippi Republicans, nearly 70% believe abortion should illegal in all or most cases.
"You don't run in Mississippi, you don't run in rural conservative states and not want to see Roe v Wade overturned," said Mr Barbour, the Republican strategist. "It's just ingrained".
The abortion ban before the Supreme Court was passed by Mississippi's state legislature in 2018, two years before Ms Fitch took office as Attorney General. The law, which bans abortions outright after 15 weeks, was immediately challenged in court on behalf of Jackson Women's Health Organization, Mississippi's last abortion clinic.
A federal district court struck down the ban, saying it was unconstitutional, and that was upheld by a higher court in 2019.
But in June 2020, five months into the job, Attorney General Fitch petitioned the US Supreme Court to review the 15-week ban. The court, with its 6-3 conservative majority, accepted and heard the case in December of last year.
Now, she's known nationally as the lawyer expected to topple Roe v Wade.
At times, Ms Fitch has said her state is merely making an argument for the rule of law: asking the Supreme Court to turn over abortion policymaking to the states. But more often, she says the case is about women's empowerment.
Roe v Wade, she has said, made women believe they had to pick: family or career, not both.
"The court in Roe pitted women against our children, and woman against woman," she wrote in a Washington Post op-ed.
The choice is misleading and paternalistic, argued Ms Fitch. It's an position seemingly drawn from her own life: a single mother who has ascended to the highest levels of state office, while remaining devoted to her children and grandchildren.
"Being a single mom has sort of dominated her thought process, and her life experience," Mr Dent said. "I think that's one of the reasons she feels so strongly about this".
In a world without Roe v Wade, Ms Fitch said during a television interview last year, "babies will be saved" and mothers "get a chance to really redirect their lives. They have all these new and different opportunities that they didn't have 50 years ago".
Pro-choice activists have accused Ms Fitch of using feminist language to cover over an inherently anti-feminist policy.
Her arguments lean "heavily into false claims that they are 'empowering women'", said Dina Montemarano, research director for NARAL Pro-Choice America. This tactic, Ms Montemarano said, is often used by anti-abortion activists to assert control over women's bodies and violate their fundamental freedoms.
In an opening brief submitted to the Supreme Court, Ms Fitch wrote of "sweeping policy advancements [which] now promote women's full pursuit of both career and family".
But in a counter-argument submitted to the Supreme Court, 154 economists warned in a brief that this optimism was "premature and false".
"Mississippi's celebration of parental leave policies is particularly bizarre, as the United States is one of only two countries without a national paid maternity leave policy," the economists wrote.
Mississippi, specifically, has no state laws mandating paid family leave. It is the poorest state in the nation and has the highest rates of both infant mortalityand child poverty.
But if Roe is indeed thrown out, Ms Fitch will return to Mississippi a conservative hero.
"I'm 99% sure she will run for attorney general again," Mr Dent said. "And based on how the last three years have gone, it's hard for me to imagine she'll have any Republican opposition this time".
There are also early rumblings that she may one day run for governor. She has not yet commented on this speculation.
If she wins, Ms Fitch would be the first female governor in Mississippi's history.
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