#Im not joking if someone looks at this post with conversous intent I will commit another mega sin and condem myself to hell and it will be | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

yostresswritinggirl · 3 years

Text

Lantern Flame Submission

"Hey Xiao, come see the lanterns with us!"

The ask does not have any cruel intentions behind it. He knows it. They must have thought he had something to celebrate with Liyue's citizens in their festival. The traveler doesn't know what the lantern rite means to an adeptus like him.

Still, Xiao can't do anything about the karmic strings binded to his wrists, painfully tightening and leaving bruises in his skin.

"No. I have no interest in human traditions." He scowls at the duo, crossing his arms to hide his hands clenching in fists.

"Huh? But I thought the festival was based on Liyue adepti?" Paimon tilts her head, floating around. Xiao does not answer her, simply choosing to turn around and disappearing from the conversation.

"Hey, Alatus!"

It's been ages, but he can still hear their voice clearly, both in his nightmares and dreams. How ironic is it that he's haunted by the one thing he consumes from mortal lives?

A long time ago, when Xiao was just Alatus, one of the many Yakshas (not the only one who survived). Back when he still had people to come home to, when he fought to survive not only because he had duties to attend to, but because he also had someone special to protect.

His eyes had focused on their vision, barely hanging from their thigh with a beaten-up string. The crimson on the pyro symbol of his fellow Yaksha matched the red highlights on his own hair, as well as the majority of clothes he wore. For some reason, he seemed to favour the color...

"You should be more careful. You'll end up dropping it one of those days" Alatus scolded them, his eye twitching slightly. However, they didn't pay it much attention, just chuckling as a response to his antics.

"Don't worry, Alatus! It looks simple and weak, but looks can be deceiving, right?"

Somehow, the same thing could be applied to their own person as well. Of all Yakshas, Alatus was sure that the one right in front of him was the most surprising. They were strong enough to slay demons as if they were nothing, but it was their personality that made him fall as hard as he did.

They held the stars in their eyes. Every day, they would come to him and tell something new that they discovered while wandering around. They held too much love for the world and their habitants to simply pass by things and ignore them.

Back then, Alatus looked foward to passing all days of his immortal life alongside his beloved. Sometimes, fighting was difficult, to the point he didn't know if he was going to make it. But when he thought of his partner waiting for him, he had hope.

But they loved too much.

The negative energy sometimes came to a point where it would corrupt young humans souls, and as their duty, the Yakshas would have to slay them. Having mortal blood on their hands crushed their heart until it couldn't withstand it anymore.

"These voices...please...make it stop!"

He desesperately screamed his lungs out, hoping that at least they would hear his voice over their own screams and come to their senses. He could see their vision splattered on the ground, its red string burning with a cursed black tone within the flames, but they weren't even controling the fire consciously. Karma took over their element, unforgiving, burning every inch of life within range. Alatus tried to get close, but the fire caught on his clothes and it was so painful that he could not breathe properly. In the end, he could not save his lover.

Almost nothing was left of them. The black flames were unforgiving, not sparing even ash of their greed. As if a cruel joke of destiny, the only thing Xiao- not Alatus- could hold as a memory was their red string attached to the vision.

"This is the furtherst I'll go." Xiao stated simply, narrowing his eyes at the traveler and Paimon. The pair sighed in defeat, finally accepting his refusal.

"Okay then. I was hoping to give to you when we were inside Liyue, but since you don't want to go... Take this."

"... a Xiao Lantern?" He eyed it suspiciously, reluntant in taking the object from the traveler's hands.

"Yeah. I know you don't care for those things, but... People say that wishes come true if you write it on a lantern. Maybe you could try it?"

The adeptus glared at the lantern, as if it had commited a grave sin against Rex Lapis.

"Whatever. It's time for you to go." Xiao dismissed them quickly, shaking his head.

The lantern at his side mocked him at all instants, but he couldn't find it in himself to get rid of it or to leave Liyue's outskirts before.

The Mingxiao Lantern was at the same time beautiful and painful. Each lantern after it had a red string hanging from them that sent him deep into memories he didn't want to remember, from a time that he wanted to forget.

His eyes caught on the lantern at his side, untouched.

Maybe it's time to let go.

He untied the string attached to his bells in his belt, staring at it lost. Heart cracking, he instead looped around the lantern, allowing it to soar into the sky.

He hoped that their soul was resting peacefully after so much suffering. Perphaps... one day could he join them?

notes: hiyaa, im the 🐥 anon

please ignore any grammar mistakes saudhsiuafsa im not a english native speaker and im writing this sleep deprived(insomnia does things to you :(( )

also, i dont know what to name this? like, i suck at titles, so feel free to choose!

and yea, morning angst hits different :// idk honestly to think about it??

Omayghad, not to project or anything, but thiz gave me sick Intermittent vibes like an alternate and that's so damn wack. Blessed post!

#Xiao x Reader #Xiao #exiled community #anon 🐥#gender neutral #angst #submission

105 notes · View notes

xmaddds · 4 years

Text

Y’all, what a goddamn roller coaster of a LIFE

first of all, look at all these pics of me. I’m an angel.

Im currently laying in bed, taking a break from reading a book, sipping on moonshine and not able to sleep.

I think this is the first weekend in a while that I haven’t had plans already made. I have a very loose plan for tomorrow but nothing set in stone. It’s weird but nice, I’m so tired. I like seeing friends on my weekends. I like hooking up with people on my weekends. I like being able to ignore my random stressors (that I’m sure a lot of people are experiencing rn) in a home that’s not mine, where the only conversations had are those that make me laugh until I cry.

I really love my job, I’m so fortunate to work for a company that always wants what’s best for the employee. I’m just so sick of working. I’m sick of being mentally exhausted and not having the energy to hold a simple conversation at the end of my shift with my family or friends. It’s overwhelming at times for sure. I can’t wait for things to be back to “normal” but at this point I don’t even know if normal is what I want?

I’ve almost been single for one year, and holy shit what a year it’s been. Not only has it gone by so quick, all the things that have happened in the span of 10/11 months is insane. I’ve had so much personal (emotional) growth and I honestly think I’m the best version of myself. Meeting new people on dumb dating apps has been more beneficial to me than I thought. Ive learned a lot, and proved time and time again that I’m quite confident and sure of myself. The coolest part is that I found that on my own. I don’t need another persons validation. I know I’m a catch, I know I’m fun to be around and I know I’m pretty hot. I second guessed those 3 things so many times while in relationships, but always pushed the doubt to the side because I was with someone and that had value to me. I now know that the only thing valuable to me is how I see myself and ensuring I’m a good person.

For the first time in my life I don’t second guess if someone is hanging out with me because they feel bad for me, or because I’m the butt of some cruel joke. I surround myself with people who I know have good intentions and want to be around me because they enjoy my company. And if they don’t want to be around me, then that’s totally okay.

I don’t know when I’ll be ready to be in a “committed” relationship again. I know, ultimately, that’s what I want. Casual dating is a lot of fun, more fun than I expected. It can also be extremely annoying, but those are more rare instances. I’ve met some of the coolest people on fucking tinder of all places. People who I don’t even have “romantic” interactions with, but end up being a pal I chat with here and there. I’ve also met people who I could potentially see myself being with long term, but that’s scary as hell. I’m not fully against a relationship right now, but also I don’t think it’d be fair to whoever the person is that I start that relationship with (at this current time). I know I’m a good girlfriend, I feel like even now after a year of just doing me that I’d be an even better girlfriend, but I can’t promise that I’m 100% “emotionally” available and that’s not fair to someone I could potentially be committed to. Then again, who knows. I’m in no rush to find my one person who I spend forever with.

Something wacky I did recently was make a PowerPoint of all the men I’ve slept with since my recent breakup (to send to my best friend). I wanted to do it mainly to lay out all the boys and compare kinda, see what personality traits I tend to gravitate towards ya know. Also, see what things about each of them that I don’t like and how those compare. Oddly enough, none of the boys look similar or have similar style. They all have different music taste. I like/dislike different things about all of them. All in all, PowerPoint was fun cause I could put silly transitions in between the slides, but at the end of the day I found nothing out about the type of people I like and well that’s that 🤷🏻‍♀️.

I’m not sure what this random post is for, perhaps for me to look back on and track my personal progress. I’m happy, really really happy, just so mentally exhausted and over everything going on in the world. I wanna take a long nap and wake up when things aren’t so evil, ya know.

June 19, 2020. 4:19am

#personal #myself

5 notes · View notes

diythelifeyoucrave · 6 years

Text

Now i get it...

Saturday night live did a skit a few weeks ago that touched upon the “difficulty” of people having a discussion about the current state of sexual harassment/sexual assault/objectification/#metoo which ultimately played out into the joke being that you just don’t talk about it and instead have an internal discussion in your head. The thing is that i would love to have a conversation about it, hell bring on an argument so that at least there is discourse and debate and people are freely speaking to experience and want moving forward.There is the absolute need for outrage, but at a point outrage needs to evolve to something greater, something tangible, because right now the outrage seems to have a shelf life and nothing more.

And now to the reason for this...I know that the prevailing direction is that when a woman makes a generalization of what “men” must do, collective of all men, the immediate thing is not for us (men) to individually claim that we are not that “man” and minimize the statement but to just let the message breathe. BUT...BUT...BUT, sometimes you read something that speaks to what men need to do, and yet the underlying story isnt about a vision for a better man, or a better society, or male/female dynamic and reads more like this is what men need to do/be/become to better match for that particular woman and her preference and at that point it is no longer a discussion about Gender/sex but a window to a needed therapy session.

Such is my reaction to an article i read this morning in the Washington Post Entitled “We all want good sex. It’s time for men to do their part” by Shannon Lell. Http://flip.it/5YHy-q . Here are some line from it that struck me.

“As a middle -aged, single, heterosexual, femininst living through this volatile time, when relationship norms are unclear and constantly shifting, the divide between men and women has never felt so wide. And i have never been so lonely. Men can’t seem to get it right, even when they publicly shout their support for women. Case in point: Aziz Ansari”

- First thought...wow, any more labels you want to throw in there for good measure? Sounds like for all that you are simple conversation is a struggle here, and for all that can be said about Aziz Ansari, someone im sure neither of us know...what is known is that his date was not assaulted nor harassed. At best she was not given the respect she thought she was owed, nor did she seem to demand that level of respect if she felt disrespected. Hindsight of a bad hookup its not a litmus test.

“In my experience, the days of using sex appeal to begin a relationship are over. Because if that’s all there is, its dehumanizing. it leads to shallow intimacy, being objectification or coercion.”

- Translation...YOUR days of using sex appeal are over... it may not work for you anymore, and that is okay, but the rest of the world is not responsible for your personal shift. If sex appeal is dehumanizing...then it sounds like there is a disconnect with how you relate to your own sex appeal which isnt to say that unwanted attention is any less unwanted, but you are talking about the context of a relationship...so sex is either a part of your relationship or not, if it is, why then can that not be something to celebrate along with everything else in a relationship?

“I dont need a man to ask permission for every move he makes. We shouldn’t let the battle cry of consent translate into boring sex. Sometimes spontaneity is what makes sex passionate, particularly sex with someone you don’t know well. But men, please check your entitlement at the door. Intentions are important, and everyone’s intentions during sex should be of care, healing, and relief, not of personal appetite and blind conquest.”

- Yes i can see how someone playing 21 questions is a buzzkill, UNLESS that is some kind of mutually enjoyed foreplay. But this line of thought is all over the place because in one moment we are addressing passion and people you “don’t know well” and the next you are talking about intention being about healing, and relief and not about personal appetite!. SEX IS NOT A SOCIAL CONSTRUCT!. THERE ARE NO ESTABLISHED NORMS OF SEX THAT EVERYONE MUST ADHERE TO...aside that it be consensual. To be totally honest I have never thought of sex as ever being healing or about relief. I’ve never wanted to cum or looked at a partner and though she is ideal for my relief. As for entitlement, i am lost here, but also lost as to what the author then sees as passionate sex for everyone, because it sounds a lot like its supposed to be somewhat lustful, but not too lustful, and not about the excitement of who you are having sex with, and that if we could all maybe pray over it first that would be ideal. Sorry but speak that truth to yourself and find your partners accordingly but please stop suggesting that men and men alone adopt this to make your loneliness less palpable. I have known far more women in my life than men who have had sex for reasons of pure lust, of it being hopefully about them getting off, and fucked how they would like, as their only intention and it being nothing about care or healing or relief. In my life i have only even known one guy (pre-tinder) who could even come close to saying he was going out to hook up with someone, meanwhile the number of women i have know who could and did make that happen...point being sex and entitlement seems to only be about a certain group of men of wealth, prestige and who could offer something well beyond themselves. Your everyday guy walking down the street has an entitlement that usually stops at his front door, eveything else is a very wishful ego.

“The trite wisdom of the late 1990′s, early 2000s - that men are from Mars and women are from Venus - allowed men a pass; they weren’t expected to learn the nuance of nonverbal communication. Women were coached to spell out their desires because male brains just “don’t work” at picking up subtleties of feminine persuasion. Men were positioned as needing to be hit over the head with a big stick like a cave man to understand the more emotional female brain.”

- I think this comes down to what someone’s personal take away was from that school of thought. Being in college and plenty of discussions at the time my take away was that the book was not a call of action for women or a pass for men. It was simply a look at how men and women relate differently. Point of fact men do not necessarily see things as women do, or relate emotionally, on the same play and may not be as keen to nonverbal communication. But many of the take aways were that came as a result of social conditioning that told boys to respond and act verbally where girls were told not to, where boys were told that men don’t live in their emotion and girls were told not to shy away from emotion. If anything it was a fresh take on how conditioning has brought us towards certain issues.But that said as an eye opener i took it as a means of saying men need to expand upon emotional perception, and depth and women could facilitate that by not relying upon non verbal communication but begin to speak to verbal communication...the idea being merge through the existing divide. Apparently i guess this authors take was that men need not evolve...im really getting a sense that this author as a declared feminist is not really looking just for sex, or partnership, but also selective control.

“Ive been taking risks and perfecting these communication skills my whole life out of necessity. I’ve been apologizing for myself for decades. It’s time for the men i date to meet me halfway”

- Its it possible that what you perfected, has perfectly led you to your current loneliness because you have insisted that it is the way you must be and how everyone else must receive you? An expert in non verbal communication seems to leave a lot lacking especially if paired against a severe resistance to verbal communication. Not to mention...who insisted that you apologize for yourself? From the sounds of it, it is hardly about the men you date meeting you halfway, its about them fully committing you where you are, based on where you have been that they individually had no part in. Real talk...sounds like your loneliness and lack of sex/lust is the result not of lack of lust or desire, but being really unable to open up the parameters with how you accept people and their existence. And of course that is your very right, but that means it isnt for everyone else to accomodate you....especially ALL MEN.

0 notes