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golden-cherry · 9 months

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deal - cl16 (9/?)

Pairing: Charles Leclerc x Reader

Series Summary: Your whole life has gone to shit. Your boyfriend broke up with you, you just lost your job and the Monegasque, who suddenly stands in your doorway, claims that it’s his apartment.

Chapter Summary: Finding an outfit is harder that it seams. Especially when your roommate can't really help you, because he's at his other apartment.

Warnings: fluff, angst (whoops), mentions of cheating (not Charles), mentions of smut (oral, fingering, p in v), angry Charles, text messages

Word Count: 3.6k

series masterlist

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A/N: here it is friends. did my absolute best and honestly, I'm sweating so hard. I chose the name for Charles ex bc it’s the name of the girl my best friend absolutely despises. and this is not a Charlotte hate acc. hope you like it still. feedback is appreciated!

The weather app on your phone is of relatively little help.

Charles had said that you were going out to dinner around eight o'clock in the evening, and according to the app, it should still be fifteen degrees then, even though it's December. While he had said that "it doesn't matter what you wear," but if you were going to be spending more time with him soon, and by extension his friends, you would want to make a good first impression.

Not that your first impression on Charles was particularly good.

Since you promised Charles that he could sleep in his bed tonight, you try to keep the mess of clothes to a minimum. Instead of pulling each piece of clothing out of the closet and then tossing it into the nearest corner because it doesn't match what you had in mind, you put things neatly folded back in their place.

After your roommate left the apartment, you started cleaning up your room so it wouldn't be too embarrassing if Charles stayed there tonight. After all, he doesn't need to see your underwear or the little stuffed animal turtle that sleeps in bed with you. Generally things that maybe old friends know about you, but definitely not the roommate you've been living with for two days.

The roommate who is no help to you when it comes to choosing clothes for tonight. Since he hasn't told you which restaurant it is, you don't know exactly what the dress code looks like, which is why you're now standing in front of the closet at a loss.

In Monaco, when it comes to restaurant choice, anything is possible. You could dine at Le Louis XV, the most expensive restaurant in Monte-Carlo, or Jack Monaco, which is significantly cheaper, but you have a direct view of the harbor with the oversized and expensive yachts.

Secretly, you hope it won't be too expensive tonight. Joris would pay you back the rent soon, but you're still unemployed and unfortunately can't live quite as carefree Charles, who apparently has enough money at his disposal to have not one, but two apartments in Monaco.

A fact that you would never blame him for.

When you can't find anything that would theoretically go with any restaurant visit, you drop onto the bed, annoyed. It can't be that hard to find something, right? You fish your cell phone out of the pocket of your sweater and start typing.

Briefly, you consider actually sending the message, but alas, you're so desperate that you feel you have no choice. You hit send and are about to throw the phone across the room as if you've just confessed to your school crush that you like him.

But Charles isn't your school crush. He's your roommate and first and foremost your friend, which is why you just drop the phone on the bed next to you.

You sit up and narrow your eyes as you go through the clothes in the open closet. Somewhere in there is a pair of dark gray, straight-cut jeans that match the white blouse you carefully hung back on the hanger a few minutes ago.

And sure enough. After a few minutes of rummaging around in the clothes, you find the jeans and as you hold them up next to the blouse, you're relatively pleased with the choice. There should also be shoes floating around somewhere that should go with them. But at least this is a good start.

Satisfied, you clean up the rest of the room. Since Charles has not invited you to dinner, but also to a club, you will certainly be home late, so you decide to make up Charles' bed. Your bedding disappears into the hall closet after you take Charles' things out. As you bring them into the bedroom and spread them out on the bed, you find yourself briefly considering pressing your face into the pillow. For sure, Charles smells attached to it.

But before you can do that, your cell phone vibrates. It's a message from Charles.

Your heart skips a beat. Do friends give each other compliments like that? You glance from your phone to Charles' pillow, then to your outfit for tonight. You bite the inside of your cheek and start typing.

You plug your phone into the charging cord as you head toward the bathroom to shower and get ready for the evening, so you don't see the two messages Charles sends you.

The Ferrari feels different somehow. After Charles sat in your old Renault yesterday, the expensive Ferrari feels strange under him. Not wrong, but different. Like something is missing.

He feels the stares on him as he steers the car through the streets of Monaco. The gray Ferrari attracts attention, with its red and white stripes and the number 16 on the side. But not just because the 488 Pista Spider is a beautiful car.

But because people know who owns the car.

The fact that you don't know that Charles is the Charles Leclerc is refreshing for him, but the guilty conscience gnaws at him. He should tell you that he drives in Formula 1, because after all, you would be dragged into the limelight by him, should people find out that you are friends and, above all, that you live together. Before that happens, he should at least give you the opportunity to get out of it.

But Charles is too selfish for that.

Even though you've only known each other for a short time, Charles enjoys your company too much to mess it up. You're so normal, so kind, without asking for anything in return like most want him to do. You're just you. And by God, he's never felt better than in his short time with you.

He expertly steers the Ferrari into a parking garage entrance, where he has to type a pin into the designated keypad next to him before the barrier. The barrier opens so that he can drive a few meters further, where a metal gate awaits him, where he also has to enter a pin - a different one. Only then does he reach the parking lot that rightfully belongs to him.

It has been some time since he has been here. After driving the last race of the season in Abu Dhabi about three weeks ago and becoming vice world champion, he had stayed on site for a short time to soak up some sun and recover from the stress before flying back to Maranello with his team for a final briefing and to discuss the upcoming season. But even that only lasted a few days. He could have been back in Monaco by now.

But he didn't want to.

He knew exactly what was waiting for him here. A conversation he wanted to delay as long as possible. He didn't stay away from Monaco for so long for no reason, and he wondered if he hadn't returned too soon. But he can't, first, avoid this conversation, and second, stay away from his home. He loves it here too much for that. Just like other things he'd rather not think about right now.

In the elevator, he puts his key in the designated hole and then presses the button with the number of the floor where his apartment is located. Just a few weeks ago, he thought that if he entered this building again, his heart would be beating wildly in his chest or his palms would be sweaty, but he is not even nervous.

He knows what's waiting for him behind the elevator door. And he's ready to wrap things up.

Charles enters the apartment as he has thousands of times before. And just like hundreds of times before, he hears the sound of footsteps on the floor moving quickly in his direction. But never before has he felt this indifference to those footsteps.

"Charles?" A woman comes out of the room where the living room is located and rushes toward him with her arms outstretched. When she reaches him, she wraps her arms around his torso to hold him close, but Charles puts his hands on her shoulders and gently but firmly pushes her away. "Charles, I'm so sorry. What I did is inexcusable and I will-"

"'You won't do anything,'" he interrupts her, wishing he could jump in the shower to wash her touch off him. "I'm just here to get some things. And to ask you to stop calling." He walks past her down the hall and into the room where his clothes are.

"And I told you I would do everything I could to make this right between us," the woman says as she follows him. She places herself in the doorway with her arms crossed as he packs some of his clothes into a large gym bag. "I'm not ready to give up on us yet, Charles. I love you."

Charles can't stop the laughter that escapes him. After stuffing several pairs of socks into his side pocket, he turns to her and puts a hand on his hip. "You gave us up when you fucked that guy, Annika. And dare you to talk about love. You don't even know what that is."

As his phone vibrates in his pocket, he fishes it out. A message from Y/N. He doesn't even notice that a small smile creeps onto his face at that.

But she does. "Who's that? Do you have a new one already?"

Charles quickly types a reply and presses send before turning back to his clothes. "No," he says coldly. "And even if it were, it wouldn't be any of your business."

"Of course it's my business!" Annika almost screeches as she takes a few steps toward him. "I'm your girlfriend, after all!"

"You," Charles zips up the bag and stands in front of her, "are the absolute last person I want anything to do with." He pushes past her into the hallway, where he drops the bag on the floor to go into the bedroom, where some odds and ends are waiting for him to take as well.

Annika follows him like a dog follows its master. "And why do you let me stay here then?"

"Because I'm nice."

"You're not that nice. We both know that."

Charles looks at the picture frames sitting on the windowsill. Among them is a picture of him and his father when Charles was little and went karting. It's a fond memory that he certainly doesn't want to leave here with her. "I've changed."

In disbelief, Annika laughs. "Never. In the two years we were together, I asked you so many times for things that should have been natural for a relationship, but what came from you? Nothing." Now it's her turn to put her hands on her hips. "You're so focused on your job that you don't notice what's going on around you! If you had paid more attention to me, then-"

"Then what? Then you wouldn't have slept with that idiot? Then we would have been happy forever? Peace and happiness?" Charles takes some pictures out of the frames and carefully lays them on top of each other so they don't scratch. He would leave the frames here, after all, they were gifts from Annika. And he definitely doesn't want to keep them. "Grow up, Annika. You knew what you were getting into from the start."

"But not that I have to share you with the whole world." Slowly, she walks toward him and as she stands in front of him, she places her perfectly manicured hands against his chest. "You're all I've ever wanted, Charles. But you were never there. And even when you were there, your mind was always at work or somewhere else, but never with me."

She's not exactly wrong about that. The season had cost him quite a few nerves and he definitely hadn't been a good boyfriend, and maybe none of this would have happened if he had paid more attention to her. But that's definitely not a justification for what she did. Charles knows his worth. And that's exactly why he clasps Annika's wrists with his thumbs and forefingers to take her hands off him.

"For not being a good boyfriend, I am truly sorry." He drops her hands. "But that's no reason to cheat. You and I are done." Charles leaves the bedroom and grabs his bag in the hallway before heading for the elevator door.

"You're leaving? Just like that? Throwing away two years like they never happened?"

Again, his phone vibrates in his pocket. Another message from Y/N, making his heart skip a beat. He grins to himself and types a response that, under different circumstances, he might have thought twice about. But the quicker he replies, the quicker he's out of this place and back to you.

"I'm not throwing it away, you already did." Charles puts his phone back in his pocket and presses the button to make the elevator come. "I'm letting you stay here because I know how bad I've been to you and that this year hasn't been so easy for you either. But if I need this place one day, for whatever reason, you're out of here. And I don't care where you end up. Find someplace to live. Move back in with your parents. But this," he points to the space between you, "is over. Forever."

Annika runs a hand through her hair, then crosses her arms in front of her chest. "Then I hope for your sake that you treat them better than you treat me."

The elevator door opens, but Charles doesn't move a bit. Instead, he looks at his ex-girlfriend, who stands before him with raised eyebrows. "Who do you mean?"

"Do you think I'm that stupid? Or blind?" She points her finger at his pants pocket. "The person you just answered immediately."

"And what's so special about that?" he asks, confused.

Annika takes a step toward him. "You always make everyone wait for you. You make your fans wait for good results, your friends wait for calls. You even make your mother wait for you, because I'm pretty sure she doesn't know you're home yet." Annika stops in front of him. "But whoever that is - that person has all your attention. She doesn't have to wait for you. Let me give you a hint along the way, Charlie."

"Don't call me that. And I don't need your help."

"And even if you did." Annika stretches her arm out, past him, so the elevator door doesn't close. "The fact that she doesn't have to wait for you is good. Don't make her wait for you, too. It's not fair to her. And not to you, either."

As he sits back in the Ferrari - the sports bag and pictures safely stowed in the trunk - he doesn't know what to do with himself.

Charles made it clear to Annika that their relationship was over, and it had been overdue for at least a month. But what she said at the end stuck.

He actually keeps everyone waiting, which is why he keeps blaming himself. He could have told his mother he was back in Monaco a long time ago, but somehow he didn't. He could have told you that he's not just Charles, but he didn't, and so he keeps you waiting for the truth that you know nothing about.

Would you even want to be friends with him anymore if you knew who he was? Or would you want to be friends with him all the more?

Never, he thinks to himself. That's not who you are. And he can say that even though you've only known each other for a short time.

And even though you've only known each other for two days, you're all he can think about. He thinks about how you sat together on the grass and talked about his father. He thinks about how you cried at Cars. He thinks about how you flirted with him even though, in your opinion, it wasn't flirting (it was to him, of course; he wanted to know how to win you over for a reason). He thinks about how you told him about your ex-boyfriend and how he would love to beat him up. He thinks of you standing next to each other in the kitchen washing the dishes.

He thinks of you standing in front of him dressed only in a towel. With bare shoulders and bare legs and that - if he would get the opportunity again - he would not hesitate to pull you into the bedroom and fuck you with his tongue, his fingers or his cock in such a way that he would ruin all other men for you.

Charles closes his eyes briefly to get the image of you on his mind, and then drives off. He would love to drive to the lookout and talk to his father about the situation, but somehow it doesn't feel right without you there.

But he can't talk to you about it either, because it involves you, and although it would certainly be best, he doesn't have the heart to tell you the truth. Not because he doesn't trust you, but because he's afraid of losing you.

He slaps his hand against his forehead. "Get a grip, damn it," he says to himself. The two of you haven't even touched, and he's thinking about how he'd take you on every surface in the small apartment. That's just not normal.

And most of all, it's not fair. You confided in him about your ex-boyfriend because Charles is your friend. And your roommate. And that's what he needs to be to you.

It wouldn't be fair for him to get into a relationship with you because one, you don't know who exactly he is, and two, he can never be what you need him to be. You need someone who is there for you, who takes time for you. Someone you can laugh and cry with. Not someone who is away most weeks of the year and can't even manage to call his own mother.

You would always be waiting for him. And even though he doesn't want to agree with Annika, he has to. The whole thing is not fair to you.

And so he deletes the last two messages he sent you, which you apparently haven't read yet, as he parks his Ferrari in an underground garage and walks the last few meters to your apartment.

He decides that he is your friend. Only your friend. Because he has to be, and because he can't be anything else. Because you need a real friend, and not a relationship.

Charles unlocks the apartment door and drops the gym bag to the floor beside him.

"Charles?" Unlike Annika's voice, his heart starts to beat faster at yours and his palms start to sweat, so he quickly wipes them on his jeans. You come out of the bathroom dressed in dark gray jeans and a white blouse that accentuates your curves. As you stand in front of him, you turn once so he can check you out from all sides. In all his life, he's never seen anyone look so divine. "I'm sorry, I wasn't sure what to wear. I hope that's all right."

His smile is gentle and he hopes you don't notice how hard he has to swallow, and he would have loved to wrap you in his arms and never let you go. But his ex-girlfriend is still clinging to him, and before you touch each other properly for the first time, he wants her washed off.

It's not fair.

"It's okay," he says with a smile and goes to the fridge for a glass of orange juice. You stop by the apartment door next to the gym bag, but don't ask where the stuff is from. And for that, he's very grateful. "I'm just going to jump in the shower and then we can go, okay?"

He doesn't wait for your answer as he pulls new clothes out of his suitcase, walks into the bathroom, undresses, and stands under the hot stream of water. Even now, he keeps you waiting, which further solidifies his decision to keep your relationship purely platonic. While he's shampooing his hair, he makes a deal with himself that he'll do whatever it takes to make this friendship work. Even if that means suppressing his feelings.

As he leaves the bathroom freshly showered and ready to go, you sit on the couch. He's looking at you, thinking about what Annika said, what he'd like to do with you, and all the things he could lose. And all of that just isn't fair.

"I'm sorry you had to wait for me," he says softly, reaching for your car key that's on the dining room table. It feels better in his hand than the one from the Ferrari. So familiar. Like the key will fulfill everything he's ever wanted.

"It's okay," you reply, getting up from the couch. You take a few steps toward him and smile at him, and his heart melts. "I'm fine with waiting."

the messages Charles deleted -

next part

#charles leclerc #carlos sainz jr #charles leclerc smut #charles leclerc blurb #charles leclerc imagine #charles leclerc prompt #charles leclerc fluff #charles leclerc one shot #charles leclerc x reader #charles leclerc fanfic #charles leclerc x you #Charles Leclerc #f1 #f1 fanfic #Charles Leclerc series

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ethanngenloss · 4 months

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Merry Christmas Here is Ethan pov of Episode 2

Tw: murder, cannibalism, homophobia, mentioned explosives, mind control, sleep drugs, open bodies (patient Charlie), mentioned gunshots, anything else mentioned in mastermind of the warehouse

Ethan never knew whether to like or hate filming the shows. At least this one was over now though. The plot was a bit awful, something Ethan couldn't even keep up with. All he knew was he had killed Vinny and eaten part of him. He always hated how much he enjoyed the taste of human meat but it was something to eat. He knew that one of the drones would come by to reset him soon, he didn't even bother to move from his spot. They'd already taken Vinny's body away so he was left in an empty set next to a pool of blood. Not even registering the figure walking up next to him.

"Ethan?" He wiped the blood off his face and turned his head to face the other person.

"Oh hey Austin, what's um, what's up?" Ethan was surprised Austin actually wants to talk with him after probably witnessing all he did. Not that he's exactly complaining, he enjoys Austin's company.

"I need to tell you something before they reset us, it's important." Austin seems nervous to say this, as if he was breaking a rule. Which technically, he was but Ethan didn't know that. Ethan tilts his head to the side as a sign he is listening. "I-i think I'm in love with you. I think you're just amazing and I-" Ethan is no longer listening. He has too many thoughts running through his head to register the words coming from Austin's mouth. Too many thoughts to notice the employees carrying masks towards the two. He's too focused on how he's been taught to think about how disgusting and wrong gays are. How he's been repressing his own feelings for Austin to keep the two of them safe. And then Austin just makes all his hard work disappear. Before he can really respond, a mask is shoved on his face and it all goes blank.

When he comes to, he's strapped to a carousel with a bomb around his neck. He turns his head every which way to see what's going on with this set. Vinny is still unconscious on his right and he remembers the taste of his flesh. Austin is on his right and he realizes that he didn't forget anything this time. He remembers the last show, and he remembers Austin's confession. As he looks, he sees a door and some kind of control panel in front of him. Niki and... what's left of Frank is also on the carousel. Surprisingly, so is Sneeg. He's sat directly behind him but Ethan can tell that he's awake. Showfall is probably gonna get stronger sleeping drugs for them soon. Ethan makes sure that the cameras aren't on yet before attempting to talk to Sneeg.

"Any idea what we're doing this time?" Sneeg barely responds,

"New guy, Puzzler's probably here too given the spirals and TVs. There's also audience interaction this time around. Which is new."

"Oh that's just great." Ethan says sarcastically. Now all they do is wait for the others to wake up. Ethan and Sneeg are, unfortunately, trusted enough by Showfall to where they don't need many implanted memories to put on a good show but the others almost always have totally fake backstories.

After the others wake up and a while of mostly fake panic, the new guy Sneeg mentioned opens the door. Everyone instantly switches to pleading for their lives and for him to get all of them out. Eventually The Puzzler has to come in because someone (probably Sneeg) broke the TV and explains that Ranboo, so that's his name, gets to pick someone to come with him and the rest die. So Ethan starts to explain his case. He wants to get out, to get back to Turner (is Turner real?), that he lost everything in the 2008 recession (is that why he was sent here?), that he's unemployed (technically true), his fiance left him (Did they really leave? That doesn't sound right), that he's bad at math (didn't get a full education), but he's good at other things (he knows how to be useful to the show, how to be entertaining, how to appeal to the audience). He's cut off and after some issues with the carousel controls, they move onto Austin. And what Austin says nearly breaks Ethan. He claims to have a wife and kids. The group tells him he's lying and pressure him to admitting that it's a lie, but Ethan's the most adamant about it. He hates to hear that and after his confession, its so much worse. At some point Charlie is rolled in, his stomach cut open and his guts visible. Ethan notices his mouth watering and stops himself. The cycle continues on and the audience votes. Picking Niki and Sneeg. The audience has to do a puzzle and then they're gone. Even the Puzzler and the Rats have left. But they weren't killed. There's silence. And later, Ranboo comes back through the room and the pleading starts up again. He goes into the room he originally came from and brings back a game piece. Apparently they're playing Mousetrap. The Hero leaves and all is silent again. Two gunshots are later heard and Vinny is unbound and ushered to the next room. And still they are not dead. They still have use. Charlie stopped moving and talking a while ago, probably died. So that leaves only Ethan and Austin strapped to the carousel. The cameras are off with no sign of turning back on and so Ethan attempts to do something risky. He tries to reach and grab Austin's hand. But his hands are too tightly bound. He can't reach. And so he looks away and hopes Austin didn't notice. But what Ethan didn't know was that Austin had noticed. Some time later, they're brought into a room that looks like a huge closet. The clue The Puzzler gives them is vague and none of them have any clue what to do so Ethan suggests something.

"He said looks can be deceiving so what if we deceive him with our looks?" The others don't have any better ideas so they try that out. But Ranboo is clearly controlled and Sneeg got put further under at some point too so it's mostly him and Austin trying. Ethan hopes his idea might jog Austin's memory since he's still very insistent that he has a family. It sorta works. Austin's at least more comfortable in himself and is now wearing a wig and heels. The Puzzler comes back and they do a small fashion show but that wasn't the puzzle so they take all the stuff off and start looking around the room again. They find two buttons that turn on the blacklights which illuminate drawn arrows and words. It's too obvious and the group doesn't trust it. The Puzzler comes back and leaves again and Ethan thinks he knows where the Puzzler left through. He tries to pick a shoe off of a shelf and it begins to turn. He yells that is the way out before he's turned enough to see Security. He screams as Security behind to tear into him and he doesn't know why. Maybe it's because he basically did drag and tried to get Austin to as well. Maybe they found out about his feelings for Austin. But he's being killed and he's bleeding out. He can hear Austin screaming about the blood and begging for the others to react to it. And then nothing.

Little did Ethan know that this was enough to make Austin remember. Little did Ethan know that Austin realized how much Ethan was trying. Little did Ethan know that Austin was so distraught he could hardly think.

#sorry the voices #merry crisis #merry crysler #this took me like a day

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thealleydog · 8 months

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LONG LONG LONG STORYTIME ABOUT HOW MY LIFE GOT FLIP TURNED UPSIDE DOWN THIS PAST WEEKEND (tldr at the bottom)

Guest starring @wint3r-h3art ~! 💖💖💖

This is chisme. Gossip. Personal life stuff. But I am, still, very much unemployed.

This wasn't on my 2023 bingo card. I didn't know this was gonna happen when I ate those grapes under the table of a New York dive bar. But sometimes you gotta get your heart broke before you can shake some shit up.

My mentor and close friend owns the tattoo shop we work(ed) at. He taught us how to tattoo on top of some real-life lessons. And if people were to ask me, I'll always credit him for getting me to where I am now. But this bitch is a severely traumatized, unmedicated bipolar who ends up taking it out on the people closest to him. Amazing man who wants to be a good person to his people. But - untreated and refuses therapy.

And while he can be a good man, he will put your ass THROUGH IT. I'm telling you, my homie, Fabian, and I literally had almost quit our apprenticeships because we were helping him build that shop, and it was STRESSFUL. But it made us tough. Instead, I settled for a full mental breakdown along the shore and stared at the lake for an hour or so.

(Side note, why does crying clear up the face and make you look beautiful??? That's no makeup right there?!?!)

We two and our other homie, Primo, have been there for the beginning. I'm talking as soon as quarantine was lifted enough that shops in the city were allowed to reopen and could cut our hair again. (I got a shaggy mullet.) So that's three years of our lives to give to this shop and him. Everyone else that came in and was with us to the end are literally amazing people. Like the social circle we had there was something we don't wanna let go of. And he was almost like our dad in a way.

Anyways! So this summer hasn't been the best and in an effort to get new blood and clients into the shop, four of us decided to work a booth at Anime Magic and represent the shop. There was a whole row just for tattoo artists and we knew a handful of them from other shops. (The community is surprisingly small.) We spent about a month worrying and preparing and buying supplies. It's mine and Mari's first con, but Fabian and David knew what to do and we passed inspection.

All's good, right? I'm excited. I booked @wint3r-h3art and her husband! They came all the way from Boston to get stabbed by me. (Which oh my god I'm still humbled someone would do that!)

So I'm tattooing my first internet friend I get to meet in real life...

Then Mari stopped tattooing and showed me the mass text we got from him.

Bro.

My heart fell into my ass and I felt the world crumble. It was so embarrassing. Had to pull up my big girl panties and knock out these tattoos though. I ain't no punk.

At the end of the night, Fabian and I try to call him, trying to see where his headspace is at and if he's okay. He didn't answer at first, but he called back. I didn't say anything because I was sitting all quiet, full of disappointment and crying a bit. Fabian tried to tell him we are here for him and we love him - only for him to hang up on us.

So we head to the shop to check on every still there. The mood is just...

Everyone is heart broken and disappointed and scared even. But the kicker is the lady who does the office paperwork felt safe enough to tell us how he was acting lately. How he'd talk shit about us and vent his frustrations to her. But he'd act more than okay with us. Even when we would talk to him, he never showed his feelings about anything he vented to her. His mental health was definitely getting worst and with four of us at the convention, all he wanted was for something to go wrong that Friday.

And it did. One of the artists has to go back to her home country for surgery because of a numbness that has been bothering her for three years. She told us she was gonna put her two weeks in and work a little at other places until she had to leave. So when she holds his hands and begins to tell him "I have to leave -"

"Okay then go. Pack your stuff immediately."

Didn't give her a chance to explain or talk even when she begged him to listen. Had to pack her stuff into garbage bags.

Then he sent that massive text that morning we were at the convention.

Mind you, we are a crew of nine people, including two baby apprentices. We think we ain't got jobs. I was able to not think about it the rest of the night because Linda and her hubs were so awesome, and I got to eat and drink something for the first time since 8 or 9 am. (But for real, you guys are the highlight of my story so far!) Anxiety? Betrayal? The streets??? On an empty stomach, good Lord. ⚰️

Day 2 and Day 3 go by. We're still tattooing. But now people are starting to ask questions. So we tell them our situation. It's like blood in the water.

"Come work with us!"

"We got spots!"

"You should come by and talk to the owner of our shop."

Apparently our shop has a GOOD reputation. And all the artists do good work so people want us to work for them.

The now Refuge Gang decided on Sunday night to go to shop and just clean out our equipment, which would leave the owner with a very empty shop on Monday. We just didn't want to deal with him anymore considering he was being very manic with his texting and how he was responding to people in the shop. Gave no illusion that he would change his mind.

That night I felt empty and lost. I felt terrible about that this had to happen with him. He really saved me by teaching me. But this was abusive. With a heavy heart, I was the last to leave my key in the office. Wasn't expecting to cry.

We ended the night with Korean BBQ, plum wine, and several shots of shochu.

I think everything is gonna be alright. He tried to call me twice during this whole thing. But I ignored it because I'm not going back and I need space from him for a long time. Still love him, but that was something I won't tolerate anymore is people abusing me in any shape or form. Even cherished friends.

I have a job lined up not too far from my place and I'll be apprenticing one of the babies from the old shop as part of the deal! Even though she's like my age, but Dani's awesome as fuck. Gotta step my pussy up and guide her and myself on this wild unknown road!

Fingers crossed I just need to meet the boss this Friday to iron out the details. But this one is set up where I could actually... have a life. I can be an artist again. A real, piece of shit, beautifully grotesque, smut artist that I've been! (Check out my Instagram and scroll down, you'll see what I mean.) The Refuge Gang have started a group chat to support and look out for each other. We're making sure everyone will be working again and stable. Someone us even got into some real Chicago staple shops! I'm proud of all these talented hoes.

AND and, HOPEFULLY, because we liked each other so much and we're all incredibly talented - Fabian has spearheaded an idea and is in the works of starting an artist collective! Working on getting funding, investors, a building, THE WORKS. That way we can be artists AND tattoo artists. We'll be our own bosses. If everything goes well, we should have everything organized by the spring. It takes fucking forever for shit to happen in Chicago, but we'll be having meetings to talk and work together on this project.

TLDR: My homie got me and the Refuge Gang fucked up but we're wily. Tattooing isn't for punk bitches.

#STORYTIME #tattooing is wild

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destinyc1020 · 8 months

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So if he had an issue with Joey, how on earth was he okay dating Z? 🤔

Like most men he was prob thinking more with his eyes, Z is pretty, seems like she has a good personality and maybe he thought he could overlook her being more successful. Once he knew she was single he went to Z then dropped Cari. While he was with Z he knew Kaia n was prob getting more attracted to her bt was still dating Z, seemed to get tired of her, they broke up for watever reason and then somehow the 1st time he was seen with another girl it was Kaia, and prob rinse and repeat wen it came to Olivia too

Hmm.... Yea, maybe you're right. Or, maybe since he had already booked Euphoria, he was feeling less insecure. 🤷🏾‍♀️

I think for some reason, for some men, it's hard for them if their woman is super successful, and they're unemployed... or UNDERemployed.

I don't even think it's about "jealousy" for most men, I think it's more so that they feel useless/worthless. 👀 We all know what ppl think when they see a man who's not as successful as their woman lol. 🤭

But yea, I've always kinda had the impression that had he met Kaia first, he probably would have gone after her instead. But see what happened was, he had already worked on set with Z on EU, and obviously Z is pretty and they were friends, so after it was clear that Tom was caught with Olivia after the breakup, I think that's when JE started sniffing around, and he and Z went on that trip to Greece. But almost like a month or two later, he ends up meeting Kaia at this fashion event. 👀

I think if he had met her sooner, I'm not so sure he would have ended up with Z. Cuz it always seemed weird to me that he was busy up with Kaia and her friends all the time, and for a guy who's in a rlshp, that just seemed weird to me that he was always with her at these events (she was SINGLE at the time) and her friends 👀 Now, you NEVER see them at these same fashion events. 👀

Idk, maybe it was just me though🤷🏾‍♀️, but I never trusted that.

He's always kinda struck me as an opportunist. NOT that every guy who dates a famous or successful woman must be a clout chaser (no way!), but it just seemed like he was going after these girls who were way above his "level".

Maybe his rlshp with Olivia Jade has lasted so long because she's NOT more successful than him lol 🤭

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stellaluna33 · 11 months

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I saw the post about your mom telling you that you’d been a bright child and the potential people knew you had, how she likely meant it and how you interpreted that. Trust me I get not feeling as though you live up to this “potential” and the life you could be living, but are you relatively happy (or at least somewhat content) with your current life?

I know I don’t know you and I’m a) not trying to push any amount of toxic positivity on you b) aware that anything you share online might not be true and also isn’t always the full picture

However, of what I’ve seen you share about your life, you seem like such a talented and cool person! Your belle époque gown was phenomenally crafted! Working in a field that at least marginally suits your interests. What you share about your family, makes them seem great. Maybe not, but you’re probably a great parent and you and your husband seem well-suited together and respectful. Even if it’s not what you expected/wanted/whatever else, are you overwhelmingly disappointed or upset about the majority of factors in your life that you had a choice in?

Again I really know nothing about you, but I have a lot of respect for the person you have shared. If you see this, I hope it doesn’t come across poorly or upset you at all; and if it does, I’m really sorry. Have a good day and hope for still waters ahead!

This is so kind of you! 🥺 You are of course right. I DO have a lot to be thankful for! And I don't hate my life. We have our issues and arguments just like any human beings, but I am genuinely happy and in love with my spouse, and while I don't think I can say whether I'm a "great parent" or not (I'm certainly not perfect, and I know I make mistakes), I certainly do TRY (my kids do tell me I'm a good mom, but they're young, and I feel like I'm bracing myself for when they're older and say, "You ruined my life!" 😅😭)... But I'm unemployed right now (partly to spend more time with my kids, but partly for a variety of mental and physical health problems) and technically a "housewife," and like... I SEE the things people (mostly other women, honestly) say about people like me (I'm a "leech" or a "whore" or a "kept woman" or a "tradwife" or some kind of tragic victim) and sometimes I feel embarrassed and ashamed of it. But I SHOULDN'T! There is nothing ACTUALLY shameful about the life I have! But I live in a society that only values people if they're making money, and I am not.

When I was younger, I always sneered at the jokes about women going to college to "get their M.R.S. degree," (aka find a husband) but the cold, hard facts about my life are that I did meet the love of my life in college, and that I ended up dropping out because my mental health just fell apart. And I'm EMBARRASSED of this. (Should I be? Intellectually: no. But I am.) All my friends from college went on to have thriving careers, and I always feel "less than," and when we catch up, I feel like I have nothing to say about myself that they would respect. (Do they actually feel that way? I don't actually know) I know I talk a big game about "not caring what other people think of me," but I do. I TRULY and PASSIONATELY believe that human beings should not be defined by their "productivity," but I guess I have a hard time believing it about myself.

My life did not go the way I planned it. But what I have is Good. I was going to be a Professional Artist! But... my brain broke. I've been told that I have musical talent and a beautiful singing voice! But I've choked at every single audition I've gone to. 😂. I do have talent (and thank you for reminding me), but it only benefits myself and my immediate family and friends (I include YOU! 🖤). And my life isn't over! I want to go back to work when I can (though it would probably only be for minimum wage) and maybe I'll finish my degree someday, if I can get past my academic trauma... Who knows? Maybe I'll be like Grandma Moses or something. 😂 But... In the meantime, I have a quiet life with people I love, and get to use my creativity to bring joy to my friends. And that is no small thing. That is a Good Life. Thank you for reminding me! 🖤

#Sorry for the ramble and the navel-gazing!

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lhenn · 3 months

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Tag "9" people you want to know better

Tagged by @alma-amentet thanks! Always fun to take part in these

3 Ships

1. Zoro & Sanji (ZoSanZo) (One Piece) (and per extension my D&D OC Kaze and an NPC from the campaign named Muharib, they reminded everyone of them)

2. Soul & Maka (Soul Eater) (I'm not really obsessed over them, I just think they're sublime and have a special place in my heart)

3. Idgie & Ruth (Fried Green Tomatoes, they have all my heart and more and there isn't a single time I don't cry with them)

(probably should have added Erik & Christine, but even though I love them, I think the ones I mentionedhave sticked with me for far longer)

First ship

Well. Tough one. Since I became interested in fandoms? My first interaction with a fandom was due to Naruto being super gay with Sasuke, then either SasuNaru or NejiTen.

If not counting interacting with fandoms, earlier I really liked maybe Usui and Misaki from Kaichou wa maid-sama!

And from when I was a kid, I'm really not sure, but probably Eragon & Arya or Westley & Buttercup. I really liked them then.

I'm not really a "shipper"?, I have my preferences but I don't usually become focused with many of them.

Currently reading

Two years ago I started re-reading again (3rd time) Seven Realms Series by Cinda Williams Chima (I really adore this saga), but stress with university, switching from reading in Spanish to English (not being so used to it then), got me into a block soon after starting The Gray Wolf Throne.

Since then, I've read many manhwas/mangas/mangwas, some of them still not finished (Define the Relationship, Under the Green Light, Thirst...) (Mature content, be wary)

I also tried to go back to reading by beginning Treasure Island... it didn't quite work. I've read 4 chapters or so. Will go back to it in a few weeks probably, after exams.

Currently I am properly reading When the longing returns and Squirrel Girl, plus some D&D stuff from the campaign I'm currently playing.

Last film

Funny 'cause it's Treasure Planet xD

Last song

Well, this is a tough one, when I began writing this I was listening to "Hey, Little Songbird" from Hadestown and then "Todo Arde" by Juan Navazo, 6 songs later, right now Phantom of the opera (cover by Reinaeiry and Chloe Breez) is playing xD

Currently craving

Another D&D session for sure. I'm starving, I don't think I'll make it 'till the 25th

I mean, money, always money. I'm a currently unemployed broke student and living with my parents is driving me even more insane. Hopefully I'll land a job this summer coding as a still studying junior, the same one I intend to do my internship at next year. I won't make much, but I might be able to pay my part of a shared appartment with some friends once I've finished my current studies.

A hug, hormones have been driving me mad these past two days and I've been so so soft. Still am. I would like to drown in a big embrace, but honestly, right now, I don't have anyone I would like to give me that kind of hug. Am I weird? Haha I'm just not really a "touchy" person.

Time to draw and write, lately I haven't been able to.

Tagging: @night-unfurls-its-splendour @birdstooth @carpeossa @dross-the-fish @erik-carierre @gee1puu @jenjanart @muirin007 @royalavera @rose-margaritas @tondroom @toastjadan no pressure to join, and anyone who sees this and would like to participate is more than welcomed 😊

#tag game #ships #personal #about myself

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ladyaislinn · 9 months

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"I lived in New York a few times and loved it, but it wasn't a particularly healthy or happy time for me. Not really. The time that I've had in Los Angeles has been happier, accepting that being mundane is actually quite pleasant." When I wonder what he does when he's not working, he tells me it's an odd thing to ask, "because when I'm not working is more than 50% of the time, so what you're talking about is my life". He says he used to tell people he liked photography, but he's stopped saying that because it made him sound as though he spent all day mooning around with a camera, and he does a fey little mime. "I've ended up running, getting fit, because if I have months between jobs, it's a project. Now what I do when I'm unbelievably broke and unemployed is, I go, 'Right, I'm going to be so unemployed, I'm going to get a fucking six pack!'" Rufus Sewell, the guardian 2013

#ladyaislinn #rufus #sewell #rufussewell rufus #rufussewell #ladyaislinn69

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pulsedemonremastered · 25 days

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real question, looking for advice if anyone's got any, asking for jobs advice. been unemployed for over a year now . (not straight thru, had a few lucky months at a bowling alley)

under a readmore for dashboard courtesy. it got long and yeah im pissed about the situation. bitching here and there, especially near the end

&rbs are off, if you have an answer please put it in the replies <3 . please read the whole thing before that though

what's a good way to consistently make at least enough money to help around my house with small bills and groceries (a hundred, two hundred a week maybe?), when im stuck walking and biking everywhere, &my handmedown laptop will threaten to blow up if i try to run anything too powerful

if you suggest me something that sounds like some kind of a scam i will delete it though

& nowhere's hiring around me (i live surrounded by a bunch of schools, they like to hire as many freshman to college aged part timers as possible out here) and when they ARE & ive applied, i get emails back saying someone else had better qualifications or something.

the yardwork, babysitting/dogsitting etc etc scene in my area is dominated by the kids in my area, too. everyone's already got someone doing that stuff, i checked. figure it's because people never pay kids much, i imagine it's the same with the companies around here

and when somehow i do land an interview i make sure i smell nice look nice i sit up straight. etc. i talk as clearly & confidently as possible, got a good firm handshake. and i still manage to flub it.

i'll call twice a week at minimum asking to talk to a manager, to follow up with my interview and get told they'll call me back & i get ghosted. i call em back again and it's always the same shit

trying to sell my art, trying to make myself marketable has always made me queasy, &besides being supremely burnt out right now, i don't have an ounce of artistic consistency in my body. i am NOT in control of how it comes out looking. i considered commissions and like. i'll do it, if anyone's interested. but i'm worried they wouldn't go well

like im gonna keep hunting !!!!!! im not giving up my local search, im not. super fit. im willing to bike around 5miles at this point, even in the TX summer, even at risk of injury. im sick to death of being broke and having nowhere to go and nothing to do.

i don't have anybody "irl" to talk to, either, no friends in my immediate area to ask about this.

no close friends in my immediate area at all, actually. i can count the people i was in school with growing up on one hand. and everyone's moved away to other states besides my girlfriend, & she lives 30mins away & has her own job & shit going on. can't ask her to drive me around all the time

it's all starting to feel hopeless. like, i haven't given up completely, im not JUST complaining about it. i'm still working on finding something

& im lucky enough to have a mom that isn't mad at me or anything. i'm lucky she loves me enough to have put up with this with me for so long. i'm lucky enough to not be life-or-death levels of desperate

(which is why i won't make a donation post unless it's important)

but she doesn't have any advice for me, either. she has hundreds of facebook connections in her industry.

sometimes shit's tight, sometime's the fridge is bare & we apply to food stamps, the lights turn off & my aunts, or one of her friends helps us out. but she keeps a roof over our heads. & she's always got ten to twenty people putting her name in, when she's out of work

but i don't have that. &im hanging onto my last thread here for dear life

#vent post #<- more or less just for blacklist #delete later #maybe . i don't know. i don't like complaining about my personal shit online too much #& if i had anywhere else to go with this. i swear to god i would #long post #it's long enough on desktop so on mobile it will probably be abysmal

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that-kid89 · 1 month

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03.26.2024

numb the pain. <- song of my day

but like a happy day for me? tbh definitely ended on more of high note, a spark of hope after being unemployed for a week now.

i feel like i could write 15 sentences at the same time right now.

madness, insanity, sickness, disturbed, panic.

ecstasy, highs, journeys, toys, wanderlust.

modest, numb, emotional, passive.

literally just writing random words that pop in my head. feels like gonzo clarity. check me if it's narcissism. too much pride.

daily average for screen time on my iphone is 3.5 hours for the 3 days this week.

read and skimmed all the back to my opener post. i initially felt bad, sad, and let down. reading my thoughts of love for heather, but more so my feelings towards my self. talking to myself in this blog, scolding him nearly. listing my needs and realizing where i sit that i made not one attempt at getting those things. were they really needs or just fantasies though.

kinda feelin like fuck all that shit. maybe its the beers and esteem boost from my first hearing back on one the applications i sent out in the last 7 days.

whats always wild to me, is how i can drift off into my dreams, when i'm awake. the rare night where i just daydream and not even sleep. its so crazy to me, and i dont recall talking about that seriously with someone. wish i did with heather. but also the stimulation i get from twist my hair into knots. sometimes it hurts so good. but i get mad when it's really knotted, and i gotta rip it apart, usually with hair being ripped out. insane.

talking about today now. woke up late, but earlier than i thought after falling asleep around 3am. tried not to drink but caved last night and had a few swigs of casamigos followed by a lovely beer. technically counts as today! well i suppose only the events beginning at 12:00am. fuck it, yeah so i woke up, and funny i keep checking my phone for all kinds of notifications. first thing i read was a message from christian on insta about the boat hitting the bridge in baltimore. this is recent to the mass shooting in russia, god damn dark news. still seeing a bunch of posts about necann. i'm glad i've been to events, but felt i had no place going this year. i don't think i've been when working in the industry, but definitely when i was younger. took a much needed shower today and trimmed up. then went to whole foods and petco. nearly bought the exact same things from each store, from i got yesterday. took the amg out though, and always get excited to drive that beast. let it warm up right, cold start was rowdy as always. deffs got some good pops and bangs. fuckin car is so quick too, and so exhilarating. however i did get this great beer as well called "termination". spent a lot of time looking at crafties to get, and ultimately chose this one although it being a triple ipa. 10% abv and damnnnn smooth. i'm on my second one tonight. sipping out the duvel big round chalice that i got from an xmas yankee swap one year. but anyway, getting a hit back on an application from only yesterday was an esteem boost. seems like a company tha could really use my help, and that they'll have a lot of work cut out for me. falling in love a bit quick as i do my homework on them. keeping in my mind that its only a teams meeting planned for next week but was still the first i've heard in a week. this last week has felt like freedom. but also emptiness. i do miss my last job, and still trying to get a good understanding of how it ended. but it feels a lot like the lat time heather and i broke up. i had reached my breaking points with them months ago, and never recovered. but they cite a recent mishandling of a heroin related customer incident at the store, which i can see how they perceive as mishandling, but damn it really felt good to get fired. i just walked out they of my term. instant relief, not much to finalize with them either. anyway

running out of steam with my writing. im glad i did. btw, song of the day came from nowhere. i somehow had the song stuck in the head, and i searched a rough idea of the lyrics with xxxtentacion and nailed it. i've had it on repeat all day since. had it on loop in the car, and had it on loop during this whole session. a classic way i've listened to my favorite x songs, a repetitive lyric design with just guitar chords or sample. feel like he's here with me, just sharing his emotions with me.

came to love his music after a distinct memory of mine, being when i shurgged off his death as i read him to be an abuser in his relationship. came to realize he had remorse in his actions, and was on a mission that i never would found out myself. this girl told me he was one of her favs, and that's when i got into him. his music still took time to grow on me, but ive now listened to most of his music, and i think all of his albums, all the way through, multiple times. 17, ?, skins, bad vibes forever, and some of his early stuff from mixtapes and singles. but yeah, quite a learning and growing experience. ending sentences on the 4 beat, or like a significant strum or beat, just feels so good.

rest in peace jahseh.

thank you for helping me open up my mind in so many ways.

here's to me, and the life i've lived and will continue to complete. excited to see where life takes me. for now, a nostalgic night of no responsibilities, weed and beer.

signing off.

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loki104-uwu · 2 months

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Please help me rehome my four female cats.please consider skipping coffee today and donate $5 to get a safer place for them and food.Am unemployed and one of them is very sick and I dont want to throw them back to the street.we live in an area with apot of aggressive cat eating and killing dogs.please any donation will be of a high value to us.Am having a target of $300 that will help both safety and food.

I'm so sorry but i'm broke as a joke right now

I hope you get the money you need though

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blueempty · 3 months

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Its been cool foggy out the past two days

I will allow myself a little bit of complaining on here today cuz I'm frustrated again that two of the five people I regularly talk to somehow still dont understand that me and my partner are busy all the time even though I repeat myself constantly. I keep having to explain that we arent playing toys with them because we work full time jobs in order to barely afford our lifestyle and theyre like well just get to toys faster when you get home. Unemployed person and guy who works 4 hours a day

Anyways!!!!! In positive news I love my partner so much, also I played some Fairune Blast again before work and my scores are getting kinda shnasty. Although I really should get back to playing the first two games to get faster. And I still need to do Origin in under 5 minutes. Im playing a lot of games just to get better at them right now and I'm enjoying it a lot. Gotta finish Star Ocean too though

Im getting a little better at drawing on my phone but I cannot draw right eyes for shit. I gotta figure out how to flip my canvas. Im sitting around trying to make character designs while also fighting Medibang mobile and its weird select tool lol. But in my mind manga the trans characters father has accepted her and its such a beautiful moment wish u could see it

Overall kinda frustrating day but I've had worse. I need to work some longer hours soon or I'm gonna be broke again next month bweh

Live Long and Prosper

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leewritesthings · 5 months

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This sucks.

For reference, I'm currently unemployed. I'm not at the stage where I'm b*gging internet strangers for money... yet. Maybe several months or now, if there are no crises.

Anyway, it's been stressful, to say the least. My SO is an absolute darling by insisting I'll get every job I get an interview for -- even if my outlook is much more bleak. I don't have an offer until I'm staring one down in the face. I've been rejected at the final stage so many times now it's actively painful to count.

Of course, my life has decided that I shouldn't be exempt from my share of drama. It doesn't matter if the actual event happened long ago, or if it didn't involve me to begin with -- it involves me now, apparently, because I exist in these circles. Did I mention I'm unemployed and broke for all intents and purposes?

One of my fellow underemployed (not unemployed) friends highly insinuated to me that I should buy them a game to make up a thing that happened years ago and... you couldn't ask this months ago, when I wasn't monitoring my credit card like a hawk? When I'm having to justify every single goddamn purchase to myself, as if there's anything I can do to avoid food. Or worse, meds.

Another one of my "friends" (I think I may be using that word too liberally. I hope I'm wrong.) insinuated that by telling another friend they should talk to a mental health professional, I was somehow being... ignorant? Like, no, buddy. That's not how any of this works. I'm well-aware that I'm not any sort of mental health professional, and neither are you, for that matter. And dealing with this is currently out of my realm of expertise. I've hurt myself, and others, by trying to be a therapist when I'm not remotely qualified. That's why they should talk to someone qualified. Not you, and not me.

But that's not really the thing, though, is it? People enjoy playing the hero when it comes to mental issues -- for some goddamn reason -- without any regard if they're helping or actually hurting or worse enabling the person in question.

Anyway, that's two -- count them, one, two -- friend groups that I don't feel comfortable associating with currently. I don't really have much beyond that, which is why I'm writing here. It... really feels like no one cares, besides my SO. And that has to be enough, at least for right now.

I just wish I could have somewhere -- some time -- to relax and enjoy my friends. I hate the holidays. I hate how sad winter makes everyone, even if I enjoy hiding my gender with hoodies and sweats. I hate the pressure every year of getting people presents. I hate the pressure to bake, the pressure to get people together, the pressure to be happy and joyful... when there's so little to be joyful about.

I'm also trying to separate myself from the Chr*stian supremacy we see in the US. December throws a wrench in that plan, of course. Just the whole damn month.

I don't really know where I'm going with this. I suppose that's the point of a journal entry.

#journal

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irastayshome · 5 months

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Change requires courage, but not changing doesn't signify the lack of it. There are reasons beyond what my own thoughts can rationalise as to why I can't bring myself to hire a maid.. or continue in this job.. or move in with my parents.. or finally admit I am now single and behave like it.

A book I've been trying to read - keyword 'trying' because my mind can't seem to focus on anything cognitive for long these days - had a profound perspective. The unconscious mind has wisdom far beyond what the conscious mind dictates. If I were to give voice to some of these wisdom, it would sound so odd and misplaced, maybe even stupid. Like if I were to say that I do not wish to hire a maid to solve the daily struggle I have in getting enough sleep before going to work the next day because I was up doing dishes and laundry.. and justify it by my assertion that this space, confined by the walls that witnessed his decline and his demise and our arguments and our reconciliations and all the quiet moments that could easily be lost and swept away in memory.. it is sacred.

I know we do not bring anything or anyone to the ground with us when it is our time. To Him we belong and to Him we return. But allowing a stranger to step in, clean the mess and carnage left behind, someone who has no idea the significance of every receipt or broken household item or anything else one might sensibly decide to throw away without question.. it is too risky. We are still in a bubble.. where the slightest curve in the breeze makes us all unhinged and anxious about when it will all pop. When he will fully be gone from our lives.. when we will finally be forced to move on, even if we aren't ready to let go. How else would I explain all that sensibly, other than how I just did? It sounds like big allegories that may seem empty, but it really isn't.. not for me. Its even more concrete and real to me than a simple "a maid would solve all your sleep and caregiving struggles". The unconscious mind has a far more powerful effect on the will than the conscious mind. Its wisdom commands more respect than most of us are willing to give.

The job.. it's just a job honestly. Its for bills, and for escape, and for some semblance of achievement to keep me from spiraling into despair. But if I'm being truly honest, it's also to fight the loneliness I feel deep in my core. Not the kinda loneliness that makes me wake up heart racing after dreaming about being kissed so passionately and embraced so intensely that it broke my heart a little when I literally woke to reality - though this kind of loneliness I must admit is getting a little too much for comfort. The loneliness I feel deep down is not having anyone to hear what I feel about the genocide in Palestine, or about the political satire in PAP lately, or about my worries for AI taking over, or what I honestly feel about my 6 Yr old falling "in love" with his classmate. Its having a mate.. to laugh with, to muse with, to watch things you don't wanna watch alone with. Someone who just gets you, and accepts you wholly, and calls you out when necessary because they want you to win.. while they're right beside you.

So, in that manner, no. This job does not fight off this loneliness. It drains my bank accounts even more because my impaired mind keeps making lots of financial and ethical blunders, costing us so much more than if I were just unemployed. In terms of achievement and helping the less fortunate, nothing feels satisfying when your own house is on fire and you're not able to save your own family first. That's just how it is for me. Those boys are more important than anything else in the world now, and I'm completely replaceable at work, but not at home.

Sigh. Who are these musings even for. Are you reading this yang, somehow? You've always hated long texts from me.. why would you start liking it now right.. I really do feel like I'm going crazy sometimes.

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speakfreely000 · 2 years

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Today's Topic: Simplicity

Today's topic comes from the great book I have been reading nearly every day, "God is in the small stuff" by Bruce and Stan. This topic is something that most of us want so bad, and somehow feel like we are never achieving it. I have been having a hard time grasping this lately, because I'm so bored with not having a job, I didn't get it until I read this part of the book.

Now, this doesn't mean to put so much pressure on yourself to make your life simple. This doesn't mean to stop paying for your bills or throw everything away because that's what it means to be simple. That's just plain ignorance. Can you imagine someone saying, "Oh well, no bills, no stress." You'd probably think that person was smoking something they shouldn't. This concept is basically removing things you don't NEED in order to gain simplicity. You do not need to think of simplicity as "lowered ambitions", like the book states.

I am definitely in need of some simplicity in my life right now. As I've mentioned before, if you've been following, I am unemployed, no money, and going through my first couple weeks of sobriety from weed. That's already enough for me, and I have other things I deal with that make my life more complicated. But, like the book also states, "The reason our lives are so complicated is that we're too self centered." Now, I would never like to be looked at as self centered by anyone, even myself. But I do see where the book is coming from.

A lot of us think, "Why ME? Why is MY life like this?" Not realizing that if we just stop stressing and give it to God, we'd be better off. We can't do everything ourselves. When I've given my shit to God in the past, fully, I noticed my life was peaceful and productive. When I sit and stress about things, the days drag on and I feel worse than dog shit. Why would I want to continue on like that? Why would anyone?

It's easy to sit and worry about what we don't have. But like the affirmations list that we do, prayer and faith, we can do all things through Christ who strengthens us. We have to "clear out the clutter" like the book says, and make room for God to do His work in us and our lives! "Satisfaction begins when comparison stops." I always used to tell my boyfriend, we have to be faithful over the little and appreciate it, so God can bless us with many and more. We have to stop comparing ourselves and our lives to others and appreciate what we have, because there's people out there who would kill just to have clean water or food; Just the basic things. This is why I can't stand social media, and that most of us look to these stars who we think "have it all together". In the book, it states that the poor dream about being wealthy and the wealthy just want simplicity. Like the opposite of "No bills, no stress", it's "More money, more problems". I guarantee anyone who is wanting to be rich and famous probably would be broke in their first year if they weren't smart. The grass isn't always greener on the other side honey. Even the wealthy want something simple, think about that! Us middle and lower class kill ourselves every day to be apart of that bracket, and even the top dogs don't want all of everything. (Even though some do). Start being satisfied with what you have currently, and make your life simpler than it is!

It's been hard for me to grasp this concept because I know life is hard right now for me. I know that things aren't changing YET. I have hope, but the positivity is low leveled right now and has been just because my attitude can be one thing, but what I see in my life is the opposite, and it's hard to maintain the happy go lucky tude.

But I have a plan to simplify my life and that is remaining in prayer, changing my way of thinking, going to NA meetings, going to church consistently, and just doing productive and positive things that will feed me the same things I'm feeding you readers right now. Simplifying might be hard, but it's worth it. God does not complicate our lives, we have a way of doing that shit all on our own. Quit being your own worst enemy and help yourself simplify what you have already, and be prepared to get blessed with more. But just remember with great power, comes great responsibility.

Exercise for this topic:

I am actually going to do this exercise right now, because it definitely needs to be done. Remove clutter from your house, bedroom, bathroom, garage, anywhere you know there's things that you are not using or going to use, remove it. I know some of us sit there and say, "Well maybe I'll need it one day!" Well how many days has it been sitting there and you hadn't used it. NEXT EXCUSE!

This is going to simplify your life a lot by just removing things that don't need to be there, that have no purpose. I know when I'm depressed, and things are dirty and not picked up, it worsens my depression. I also think, "Man, I gotta clean a lot of shit." Why not just clean a small portion? Instead of a whole pig-sty.

Do you feel like your schedule is jam packed and you don't have time for the people you love and care for? Learn how to say no. You don't have to be a yes man to everything. Especially if it's taking time away from your loved ones or friends. Learn to prioritize. Learn that things are replaceable, people you love, are not.

Thank you for following this blog and reading today's topic. Feel free to DM me with any topics you want covered or email me directly at [email protected]

Have a great night everyone, and HUG YOURSELF!!!!!!!!!!

Mariah

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