#I'm all about introspection and emotional damage now

[nyxthejinx]

it’s mE bUBBLE ANON . since you can’t see it i think i’ll switch to this one 🔮?? Lmk

but omg , i absolutely loved your continuation to my ask. It’s to good not to keep the train going >:)

i apologize in advance bc i’m about to focus on my main kaeya , i love him to much and he needs some attention and love.

i imagine how hard it must have been before the scarf incident to gain readers trust again. You mentioned how he stayed around the mansion when he first heard she was there. He probably just stayed in rooms he knew she would go in and just sit there to make his presence known. He knew that she would probably just walk right back out but at least she wasn’t leaving the mansion. He knew it would take a while but he didn’t care about the wait ( diluc hasn’t kicked him out cause he’s not even there , to busy avoiding a certain someone smh ) . He wanted to show her that he would wait for her not matter how long it took, he wasn’t going to forsake , abandon or desert her. Never again would he leave her behind.

( it’s like one of those youtube videos where the person just stays in one place to make the bunny or cat comfortable lmao

an emotional game of cat and mouse

It takes weeks but reader finally throws him a bone and stays in whatever room he’s in to talk here and there( he actually started to get through to her but she’ll never admit it … he knows better tho). the bOOM reader takes his hand , they finally talk about what happened that night and the road to finally repair their relationship begins.

After that , the begin to take trips together, exploring places they use to go to as children to add new and better memories. You mentioned that they capture crystal flies together ! It’s cute that they capture them together. He was probably the one who brought up the idea to leave some in dilucs office and she begrudgingly agrees lmao .

Ok ok so to build a bit more of story before the scarf incident. What if kaeya helps reader with her hand phobia ( more angst for diluc , could potentially lead to fluff for him , who knows LMAO) but but they by start by linking arms , then pinky’s and then sometimes hands. When they camp out while exploring , kaeya let’s reader trace the the scars in his hands while he tells her where he got them from. ( IM SORRY i think siblings holding hands is the cutest shit ever, it’s also them making up for lost time… it’s also my soft spot for kaeya)

OK FINALLY at the scarf incident. They both don’t ask questions about each others cover up ( eye patch / scarf ). so the day diluc finally mans up and comes back , and like you said her scarf comes lose, she tries to cover up because she’s scared of anyone seeing. She feels ashamed of them. Kaeya tried to offer her his jacket but before he can take it off she hides in his chest . He freezes up before instinctively goes into big brother mode and hugs them. Think of it like a melting hug !! ( diluc being a witness of it all since he saw the scar he left on her neck)

what if … after this … she gets a bit of the glow back in her eyes bc deep in her heart she now knows that at least one of her brothers is here to stay for good.

I SPOKE TO MUCH LMAO , im sorry i love kaeya so much. feel free to include more of diluc and i can continue the train to talk more about him. if you’d like 😈

-🔮 anon !!

*lies knocked out cold on the floor* can you believe I couldn't stand Kaeya for almost two years LOL- I mean, we got to know him at the beginning of the game and I used to skip every dialogue/not understand what was going on. But now I just want to pat his head 😭

+ I'm sorry you had to change your emote, but my dumb phone can't recognise it, smh.

There's that part in reader that needs him, though they hate his very being during the early stages of their reconciliation. He's willing to be the brother they needed, fix whatever can be fixed, and reader doesn't want to admit it/realise it, but they need his presence.

It doesn't feel normal- familiar at all, it's a jumbled mess of nameless and unknown feelings. They want to hate him so bad, to hate Diluc, the winery, mondstadt. They want to hate Teyvat because maybe all that resentment would finally leave their body and stop burning.

It's exhausting to be mad, it's exhausting to loathe.

And no matter how much the fatui pushed them to draw strength from such feeling, it's not in their nature. They just wish time could rewind and mend what's broken. Their hydro vision is not enough, not anymore.

But a clock doesn't tick backwards, and the closest they can get to their past is to hold hands, brush fingers, link arms, all while reminiscing.

When Kaeya sees they chose to hide in his arms rather than his coat he feels indescribable relief. It's the most tangible proof that he's doing the right thing and regaining their trust, because they feel safe in his hold. It's a different bond, one that doesn't taste like their childhood, but rather a new flavour to be discovered.

Diluc sees it all. Thinks that maybe they don't need him, or any more of his deleterious actions and feelings.

Perhaps the hole he left wasn't caused by his absence.

Perhaps his presence dug that hole in their heart.

What do we do with him, do we give a happy ending? LMAO

#You can tell I've finished a 1000 book in 3 days #I'm all about introspection and emotional damage now #fuck the first trilogy of shatter me #and that dumb warner bitch #jk ily pls don't leave in the next three books #| 🔮 anon | #| genshin impact 🌓 | #| nyx answers ✨ |

[doumadono]

DOUMA LEARNING ABOUT HUMAN EMOTIONS

MASTERLIST

At first, Douma is skeptical about the idea of human feelings. He sees emotions as a weakness and doesn't understand why anyone would want to experience them!

However, as his significant other patiently explains the nuances of human emotions to him, Douma starts to become more interested in the concept. He begins to see that there is more to life than just killing and causing chaos.

Douma's significant other teaches him about love, empathy, and compassion. They show him that these emotions can be just as powerful as fear and anger, and Douma is surprised he didn't understand that earlier.

As Douma starts to experience human emotions for himself from time to time, he becomes more introspective. He begins to question his own motives and decisions, wondering if there is more to life than just fulfilling his own desires.

Douma's significant other becomes his confidante as he learns about human emotions. He turns to them when he's feeling lost or confused, and they help him work through his feelings, even though it's hard sometimes because Douma doesn't know how to differentiate between the emotions, and he's unable to describe what he's feeling.

Although Douma still enjoys causing chaos and destruction, he starts to develop a moral code. He becomes more selective about who he targets, and he tries to minimize collateral damage whenever possible ("you know, love, I've been thinking... I made a decision! From now on, I'll eat half as much women as I used to. It's not only called mercy, but first and foremost it's about compassion. I'm full of compassion lately, isn't it lovely?")

Douma becomes fascinated by the concept of love and begins to study it. He reads books, and observes people in love to try and understand what it means. As he learns more about love, Douma starts to feel it for himself. At first, he's not sure what to do with these feelings, but he's drawn to them nonetheless.

As Douma's understanding of love grows stronger, he becomes more protective of his significant other. He would do anything to keep them safe and happy ("my dear, I just felt something! It's so strange! The warmness within my chest, it's overwhelming. Fascinating! Is this what you call love?")

Douma quickly becomes curious about fear and starts to experiment with it. He tries to scare people and observe their reactions to see what happens. As he becomes more adept at scaring people, Douma starts to understand the feeling of fear himself. He realizes that it's not just about being scared, but about feeling powerless and vulnerable.

As he learns more about jealousy, Douma starts to see the ways in which it can be used as a tool. He starts to use jealousy to manipulate and control others, making them do his bidding. Despite his growing understanding of this strange feeling, Douma is still largely emotionless. He doesn't feel jealousy himself, and he doesn't feel empathy for those who do. Or maybe he does? ("My love, where are you going? Will there be other men there, hmm? You know I'm not fond of letting you go alone, you pretty, little thing. You're too precious to me, my petal.")

Douma's pursuit of happiness starts to become a problem as he becomes more and more obsessed with it. He starts to prioritize his own happiness above all else, even if it means hurting others ("Oh, no, my little pet, I'm not vicious! It's called treating yourself well and taking care of your happiness! I treated myself with just two more women, and I've never felt any better! Oh, how happy and satisfied I am!")

Overall, Douma's journey towards understanding human feelings leads him to become a more well-rounded and ultimately dangerous being for he knows how to act and what to do to touch what's invisible yet the most important for humans - their emotions.

#douma #doma #kny doma #kny douma #douma headcanons #demon slayer #douma demon slayer #kimetsu douma #douma imagine

[saphig-iawn]

Day 6 of Turning me into Me

CW: homophobia, mention of suicide

Today was good. With how I feel, you wouldn't have thought that I came out to my parents yesterday but I just feel... not nothing, but not an absence either. Just a neutral feeling, and I think it shows the damage they did to me when I first came out. With every person I've come out to so far, I've left that conversation with such feelings of elation and relief. But I'm just, whelmed.

Anyway, onto today. A friend wanted me to go and visit them because they had news. I know, I panicked too, but their news was both positive and scary. They were beginning to enter a whole stage of their life that they couldn't have predicted would happen, they opened up about so much and then they came out to me. I was so proud of them, and not just in a "heeey congrats on the gender and sexuality" but more in that they felt that they could be themselves to me. It is so hard but so rewarding to be able to be introspective and honest with yourself, but then tell someone... I gave them such a huge hug, and I wanted to tell them how proud I was of them.

But growing up I was made to feel that emotion and support weren't things that a "man" did. There was no room for vulnerability. It didn't help that my parents kept calling me a sensitive kid, both positively and negatively. I was "sensitive" because I cared about someone, I was "sensitive" because I cried when I got shouted at for something that wasn't my fault. Eventually my parents called me a good kid who followed the rules, but all that meant was that I could tell each parent apart by their footsteps, or where they were in the house by the sound of shutting door. I learned how to avoid conflict. Then comes high school, and in a working class all-boys school, oh boy did my instincts have to work double-time. Any non conformity was weaponised, any vulnerablility became a target. The moment you acted like a human to anyone it was met with shouts of "Eeerrgh are you gay?" "Are you batty?" "Gaylord!". I couldn't show my friends that I loved them. I couldn't show excitement for my interests. I couldn't even show pride in accomplishment. Standing out meant placing a target on you. The school was complicit. "Oh lets get you boys in here together and talk it out." Mediation meant nothing in that school but the promise of future violence. There are kids from that school who are no longer with us because of that place.

I'm so glad I started to transition when I did because I learned to love. I learned to praise. I learned to share. I used to bottle so much up, but now I squee at cute clothes with friends. I shoulder their burdens with love. I listen when no others will.

I do all of this because no one was there for me when I needed it, and no one should go through any part of life alone.

#saphi's journey #transition timeline #transgender #transfem #trans #mtf trans #girlslikeus #transisbeautiful #mtf #coming out #lgbt #transfemme

[bardic-inspo]

I’m equally intrigued in you WIPs “Dhampir Dreams” and “Memory Games” 👀✨

Thank you so much for this! 💜😊

[WIP List Ask Game]

Dhampir Dreams started as a sort of poemy stream-of-consciousness thing about Astarion being horny and thinking about how Tav's body would change if/when he got her pregnant. But because of who I am as a person, it now has a heavy helping of angst at the beginning and has turned into more of an introspective Astarion character study. I wanted to explore his thoughts on creating unlife (a vampire) vs. a new life with his love:

Astarion’s never wanted to make another vampire. In the rare moments the notion occurred to him, he shoved it to the far back shelf of his mind so as not to waste himself on an exercise in futility. What did it matter, after all, while Cazador still breathed? Still. Nothing spurs needless yearning like a choice you’re not allowed to make. More than anything, Astarion yearned to see Cazador’s blood pour. In his mind’s eye, he’d watch it pool across the floor, not unlike the way he'd seen so much clothing puddled at so many heels. The lake he’d make of Cazador would be wide enough to swallow the garments of all who’d stripped bare before him. Every sweat-soaked night Astarion found himself bound to another moldering mattress beneath someone else’s weight, rocking through the motions that left his stomach sour, he’d fill his mind with such sweet dreams as Cazador’s death. Whether Cazador would allow Astarion to drink his blood before being relieved of it varied with the fantasy. The dream changed as often as the hands on Astarion’s hips. It mattered little to him, whether Cazador’s end came with true vampirism or not. As long as he ended. 

Memory Games is a multichapter WIP featuring Ascended Astarion and Vampire Bride Tav. They're having a happy time being an evil power couple together. All of that is upended when Tav is targeted by a Modify Memory spell, resetting her memories back to pre-tadpole, before she even met Astarion. Astarion has to re-romance his spouse, explain their vampirism to her in a way that doesn't deal massive psychic damage to them both (they have a telepathic/emotional link as bride/sire), and get to the bottom of who's behind the attack.

I'm mostly in the outlining phase, but I've previewed some bits of this here and over here. Here's some random dialogue dwelling in my notes:

“You were testing my reaction,” she says, shame sinking in her gut with the rise of heat to her cheeks. “No, darling,” Astarion laughs breezily, batting her accusation away as if it were a harmless fly. “but I can’t deny I am truly delighting in it.” “You did this on purpose!” “Oh please,” Astarion sighs. “Pay me just one scrap of faith, won’t you?” “I don’t know you,” Naomi hisses. “But you want to,” he purrs, drawing another step closer while Naomi falls another back. “You want to know what it would be like. To be mine. Sweet thing, you already are. Just say the word and--” Sharpness sinks into Naomi’s palm. The glass shatters in her chokehold, crystal shards pattering across the toes of her shoes.

Astarion’s smirk only swells, the points of his fangs peering past his lips. His gaze grows heady, his whisper reverent. “Mm, Our bond may be muted, my love, but I can read every delectable crime of passion written clear as day on your face.” He leans near enough, Naomi feels the breath he doesn’t need to take tickle her ear. Cool fingers come to tuck her hair behind it. She downs a shiver with a hard swallow.  “Just remember,” he rasps, “it’s your choice to sleep alone.”

Her stomach swoops and settles around a hollow, vacant kind of ache as he leans away and leaves without another word.

#thank you for the ask 💜💜💜 #my writing #memory games #dhampir dreams #wip ask game #astarion #ascended astarion

[bestfriend491]

Introspection | Part 2 of 2

A Former Red Room Assassin Story

Nakia x Female Reader

Summary: Now that you're free, Nakia helps you do some introspection while doing some of her own. You start to heal and your feelings become clear.

Author's Note: I've split this into 3 sections so we can digest it better. 🫣 I highly suggest rereading Introspection Part 1 so your memory is fresh when you read this. I really hope that you enjoy this one. 🥹

Word Count : 12.5 k (this was supposed to be the shorter one 😭)

Tags: @izrinmabel1, @ashleyrosetto , @mybonafidefeelings, @phantomnmsblog, @iinkonde, @como731, @hi-to-all,

Healing, Comfort, Hurt, Angst. Soft

Warnings: Mentions of past violence, trauma processing, mature sometimes

INTROSPECTION- the examination or observation of one's own mental and emotional processes. 

Section 1: I'm home and everything is worse now

{ BREAKING NEWS: A previously alleged dead Wakandan woman was spotted being brought back into Wakanda over 20 years after her ‘proclaimed death’:  King briefs the nation. }

Your hands tightly gripped the edges of the soft bed that you sat on as you looked up at the TV screen. It was the only form of entertainment that you had in the room that you’d been staying in for the past 2 days. 

Ironically your news story was the one thing playing when you’d woken up from sleeping.

You watched a reporter sitting at a table with T’Challa for a briefing on the ‘breaking news’ that had swept the nation by storm only hours before. 

It was more for damage control: T’Challa had told you. Just a short interview to keep the journalists waiting for information on the situation away from the palace. Away from you.  

You were assured that details on your past weren't going to be mentioned in it. Or at least, not for the night. 

“King T’Challa. Earlier today information leaked about you and the Wardog Nakia returning home from Italy, with a Wakandan woman that was declared deceased over 2 decades ago. Are these allegations true, and if so, what can you tell us about this story? " The presenter opened the floor for T’Challa, the King, to speak.

“I can’t give you too much information regarding details on this case, “ he emphasised, “But I can confirm that some parts of the reports are true.” 

“Which parts?” 

“We did go to Italy to investigate a possible missing person's case.” 

“And what did you find?”

“We found a woman - a friend - that we thought we lost many years ago. She has grown up and is very much not dead.” 

“Was it Y/n L/n?” your breathing hitched at the mention of your name. 

“I’m not going to confirm that it is. That would compromise the confidentiality of the people in the case.” T’Challa tried to clarify.

“With all due respect, my King. There aren't many other ‘friends’ that you have who died around that time. Are there?” 

‘Here it goes’ you thought. 

They knew already. Of course they did. Why wouldn't they? 

You hadn’t been promised that your identity would remain anonymous.

And if they knew that, then it was only a matter of time before they found out everything. Who you worked for. What you’d spent your time doing over the last  23 years. Who you’d killed. 

Suddenly you could feel your heart palpitating. Your lungs weren’t getting enough oxygen and your chest was tight. 

The world in your head was catching fire, then slowly turning black. 

You felt yourself beginning to get light headed, struggling to stay up. 

You let out a call for help. A whimper, really. One that would never reach anywhere past a few metres away from you. 

You were sure that this was the end. It would surely be a good representation of your life in general. Not really the climactic happy ending that you were hoping for. 

You heard the faintest of voices outside. 

“Help.” was the last thing you said before passing out, into someone’s arms.

“Y/n!” Nakia held your limp body as you nearly collapsed onto the floor. Shuri was quickly right beside her as her heart raced getting you onto the bed. 

“What’s wrong?” Nakia turned to the young scientist.

She didn’t respond, rather getting to work on actually figuring out what it was. 

“How is it even possible that a 12 year old could be declared dead and then found alive and well 23 years later, My King?” The noise from the TV rang through the room, sending a sharp halt through Nakia’s brain. 

She’d left it on before leaving.

“Bast damn me.” she breathed out, turning it off and returning to you. 

Shuri was hard at work, trying to get you to regain consciousness while checking you for any possible medical emergencies. 

“I thought it might've just been an anxiety attack that put pressure on her heart,” she started, “but, something’s wrong. Can you call someone to help us take her to the lab? I have to do further testing.” 

They got two Dora Milaje to help carefully get you to Shuri’s lab. Nakia hovered over you, making it clear to them that if they dropped you there would be consequences. 

“As I was saying before. Something's not right here. Her heart rate is far too high. It's having an abnormally hard time trying to pump blood.

“Is she having a heart attack?!” 

“No.” Shuri rolled her eyes at the question. “It’s something more minor than that. I’m just testing for any conditions. Why do you have to jump to such wild conclusions.” 

“Shuri, I don't have time for jokes right now. You said her heart is struggling to pump blood. Why wouldn't I assume it might be a heart attack.” 

“Maybe because I didn’t ’t say she was having a heart att-” 

“-Nakia! There’s a situation at the front of the palace.” the General, Okoye, walked into the lab.

“What kind of situation?” 

“A journalist situation. They’re saying that they won’t leave until they get to see the ‘reincarnated woman’.”  she spoke like the senseless words physically pained her.

Nakia scrunched up her face in confusion and annoyance. “What reincarnated woman?” 

Okoye shrugged, “Some news publications claimed that the woman who was found in Italy is actually a reincarnation of the girl who died. Not the actual person.” 

Nakia scoffed, “A reincarnation that’s the exact same age as she would have been?” Okoye shrugged. 

Letting out a groan, Nakia left the room to go deal with the situation. Okoye followed quickly after giving your still unconscious body a once-over.

You felt yourself begin to wake up again, moving your arm to shield your eyes from the bright light that blinded you. 

“Sorry.” came a soft voice as the light disappeared. You waited for your eyes to adjust to being open before you saw that it was T’Challa’s sister. 

“Shuri.” you reminded yourself. 

“Mhm?” 

You shook your head, “I didn’t mean to say that outloud.” She smiled at you, letting you sit up.

“Where’s Kia?”

"She had to go handle some press outside."

"Press?" You questioned.

"Some journalists took some out of context information and made a story about you being a reincarnation of the girl who died." 

You stared at her, eyes wide. Then a sort of smile crept onto your face. You watched her examine a holographic image of your heart. 

You said, "That's a shame. They missed the perfect opportunity to say that I resurrected. Now that would have been perfect. Maybe I should tell them that when I see them." 

She stopped, looked at you and stared for a moment. After seeing your smile, she couldn't help but let out a laugh. She tried to cover her mouth, not wanting to laugh too hard at your weird sense of humour. 

"I'm so sorry. What they're doing isn't right." She cackled out. 

You added on, "I really thought it'd be worse. I've come to learn that logic and journalism in this world don't always go well together. Why not just add more to make the story better? Missed opportunities." 

That made you chuckle to yourself. Reincarnated. You could only wish. That would be better than the truth.

Distracting yourself from the thought, you paid more attention to the hologram in her hand. 

"Is that mine?" 

She nodded. 

You didn’t know what was specifically wrong with the image, but seeing her expression, you came to your own conclusion. That wasn’t how a normal heart was supposed to look. 

“Um,” she cleared her throat. “Do you mind me if I ask you about what you usually ate?” 

You were a bit thrown off by the use of past tense. Still getting used to knowing that whatever you consumed then was in the past now. 

“Not much, really.” 

“And drinking.” 

You paused, hesitant. You just looked down, not elaborating any further. 

She didn’t pry. Instead taking that information and moving on to scanning the next part that she thought was a possible cause. 

She was in a state of flow in her lab. Just like the state of flow that she was in back in Italy. It was admirable really. 

You sunk into yourself at the thought that you didn’t really have a state of flow. Your killings were coordinated, if that meant anything to anyone. Which you reckoned it didn’t. 

You didn’t do much besides that so there wasn’t anything to grade yourself on.

Ballet was a coping mechanism, so it didn't feel like you could include that in your accomplishments.

Sleeping was something everyone did, so you couldn’t count that for anything. Even if you could, your sleep was no resting game. It was usually worse than being awake. It was the reason that you… did things that weren’t fully approved by him.

“That’s everything I need.” Shuri’s voice came again.

“You’re doing better than expected, but I need more time to figure out a few more things about your heart’s condition. I’ll come and tell you if I find anything later on today.” 

“So you are the smart sibling?”  

“I wouldn’t say that, but if you could repeat that to my brother the next time you see him, that would be great.” 

You laughed, getting up from the chair. 

“I’ll ask Aneka to take you back to your room.” 

“Thanks.” 

She left the lab for a minute, and when she came back she was with a Dora Milaje. Aneka, you assumed. 

“Wait,” you stopped before leaving ,”How long am I allowed to stay here?” 

“As long as you need to. This is your new home until you feel ready to go. But you can't leave for at least 3 months. I need to keep track of your heart.” 

Nodding, you left with the Adored One. 

Shuri smiled as you left the room, but as soon as you were gone, her face turned worried. She examined your heart's results again, not liking what she saw. 

Footsteps came through the door, and she looked up to see Nakia. 

“I finally got rid of them- wait, where's Y/n?” she asked. 

“I asked Aneka to escort her back to her room and stay there until you were back.” 

“Did you figure out what was wrong?” 

Shuri didn’t say a word, her face answering for her. 

Nakia visibly deflated, “How bad is it?” 

“It’s not good.” 

On your way to your room, everything was moving quickly. A lot faster than you remembered. 

Aside from Aneka, every Dora Milaje was doing something in a hurry. Speed walking to cover up windows. Running to get outside. 

The news had definitely spread around. And you couldn’t feel more guilty about the mess you had caused. Maybe it was better when you were at your apartment in Italy. At least then you were only disturbing a few people’s peace. At least then you only lived life wondering if anyone cared about you. 

Now that you knew that they did, it was overwhelming. Now you were beginning to mean something. Meaning something meant that you had to be something. All that you knew that you were was a murderer. Who would love that?

“Do you want it on?” Aneka’s voice came through to your ears as you came back to reality. You turned to see her pointing to the TV. 

“No.” 

She nodded, sitting down on a chair while you sat down on your bed. 

The two of you let the silence take over the room for a while, Aneka not being sure what she could say or ask, and you not knowing what to do to make her feel more comfortable. 

“ I'm sorry you got stuck babysitting me.” 

She smiled, “I don’t think that that is what this is.” 

“You’re right. I’m a bit too old to use that word, aren’t I? I’m sorry you got stuck taking care of the person who’s caused a stir in your home.” 

“It’s your home too.” 

“Is it?” you asked. You'd been repeating that same question every few minutes since you’d been back. 

Was this really a Kingdom that you belonged to? Was it really your home? You didn’t have much proof of it. 

The ones that created you preferred running away without you over taking you and the one that raised you sold you. With that just being the surface of your suffering, you couldn’t help but question; did you ever really have a home?

You only realised that you'd been speaking out loud when Aneka responded.

“I think that you can make a home from anything that means something to you.”

You laid flat on your back and sighed, “What means something to you?”

“I have a person,” she smiled and looked up, clearly imagining them. “My person.”

You smiled at her, happy to see that someone had that. You watched her gaze up for what felt like centuries. When she came back down, she apologised, “Sorry.” but you could see that there was not one ashamed bone in her body. You liked that. 

“Tell me more about this person.”

So she went on. Telling you about Ayo, another Dora Milaje. The one she had met and immediately fell in love with. She lit up as she talked about their entire relationship. The ups made her swoon, and the downs made her tear up. 

Hearing her talk about where they were at that point made you happy. But you were interrupted just as she was talking about where she lived. Her beads lit up slightly. 

“What’s wrong?” you asked, becoming tense again.

She sensed the panic in you, going in to touch your hand to reassure you. “Nothing’s wrong. Queen Mother Ramonda just wants to see you soon.”

“Oh.”

You let that information process for a moment. You had yet to see her since you returned. All you’d heard regarding her was the passing of King T’Chaka. You shed a few tears when you’d heard the news, but had been fairly okay dealing with the news for the last day. 

“So, where do you 2 live now?” you reverted back. 

“We live in a house in the river province now.”

You grew silent again. You didn’t want to ask for a more specific area, fearing that your former residence would come into conversation.

Some things were far out of reach when it came to your memory of your earlier life, but your house remained in your dreams for years after you were taken. 

A thudding noise came to the door and you lifted yourself up. Aneka stood to see who it was. 

Nakia entered as soon as the door creaked even slightly ajar. 

“Y/n. You’re okay.” she let out multiple relieved sighs, engulfing you in a tight hug. 

“I am.” You said, “And I also can’t breathe Kia.” 

“Oh! Sorry.” she let go of you. 

When she saw Aneka, she crossed her arms in respect, but it was clear that she was ready to dismiss her. 

Aneka, knowing that she wasn’t fully needed anymore, tried to explain; “Ramonda plans to-”

“I know. I’ll let her in when she arrives.” Then she moved to her, giving her a hug. “Thank you.” 

Aneka accepted, letting go of Nakia to get to you. There you hugged her. “Thanks for the glimpse of what life could be for me one day.” you whispered. 

“You’ll get there sooner than you know. I’ll check on you later. Or maybe you can come to training when you’re cleared to and we’ll see each other then.” she returned. 

You nodded, letting go of her and watching her go. 

When the door closed, you let yourself back down onto the bed, feeling tired. Nakia sat next to you, her eyes doing the same thing that they had been doing since you’d reunited. Inspecting you for problems. Trying to see what was going on in your head.

“She’s one of our best Doras.” 

“I could tell.” you looked at her. 

Then you smiled at a memory, “I see you stood strong on not wanting to become one of them.” 

She let out a soft laugh. That was the first reference you’d ever made to remembering something. 

It meant that you weren’t fully gone. There was still a part of you that remembered who you were before- everything. 

“I did. I chose the Wardog path in the end.” you hummed in understanding. 

“I-” she paused, wanting to tell you that it was really because of your disappearance. She stopped herself though, seeing that you were having an okay day besides the heart thing. 

There was no reason to try and bring up the bad stuff so soon after your return.

It was better to just let you rest. 

Especially because of: the heart thing.

That, she couldn’t avoid. It was something she had been reeling for answers for since Shuri told her. It was the reason she was so eager to get you alone in the room in the first place. 

“Y/n,” she began.

“Yes?” 

“I have a question to ask you.” 

You looked at her more intentionally, sitting up. You had a hunch that she knew what was going on. 

“Go ahead.” 

“When did it start?” she asked. 

You didn’t need further explanation. You bowed your head down in momentary shame. 

There was a lot that hung in that question. Answering would lead to more questions about it. Like how it started, or how you were able to keep it secret. 

It would also bring up the origin of the story. The woman who raised you. 

“It started a long time ago.” you went with that, though it didn’t satisfy you, and it definitely didn’t satisfy Nakia. 

She tried a different approach. “When was the last time that you-” 

“-Last week.” you cut her off, then immediately feeling guilt for it.

You sighed, letting the nerves move more equally around your body instead of accumulating around your heart. 

“I didn’t drink when it got closer to the day of my missions.” 

Nakia’s eyes raised in shock. “Were you gonna do something-.” she stopped herself. “Was he gonna make you do something in a few days?” 

“Today, actually.” you answered. 

Nakia was breathless. Speechless. Motionless. 

She wanted to hug you tightly enough to protect you from all possible harm, but you weren’t reacting to what you were saying so she didn’t want to be the one who triggered you. 

“‘Why are you bringing this up?” you went on to ask. 

“Y/n. Shuri says you have Alcohol-induced Cardiomyopathy. It’s putting strain on your heart.”

It was your turn to be breathless. Speechless. Motionless.

“Y/n? Y/n!?” Nakia asked. 

You were unresponsive. 

4 days later..

A cold breeze came through your clothes making you shiver as you stood outside in the palace.

It was late in the night. Probably just past 2 am if you were to guess. You’d been out there for 3 hours, trying to catch a break. The 4 days that followed your 2 health scares were filled with check-ups, invasive questions and Nakia guarding you like a hawk. 

When you’d found her asleep for the first time since that first day that you were back, you took the opportunity to get some fresh air. 

You could have gone with her, but you really wanted her to get some rest for a few hours. 

If you were being honest, you wanted to be left alone for just a short while too. 

Luckily, the reporters didn’t camp out in front of the palace at night, leaving when evening came. So you were free to go out without fearing that your face would be captured and spread all over the country. 

You hadn’t been fully keeping up with the news but you were sure that the media still had plenty of questions regarding the story. 

When you were seated on a bench, you heard footsteps approaching. Assuming that it was Nakia, you confessed already, “I just needed a break from all of the chaos.”

Instead of her voice, you heard a different woman’s voice. It wasn’t hers but it was still very familiar. “It’s not usually this busy.” 

Queen Ramonda. 

Or rather Queen Mother Ramonda now. You weren’t sure how to approach this, But there she stood, watching you look at her, not answering her. You must have looked completely lost. 

“Ma’Ramonda?” you decided to say reluctantly. 

“Y/n. my child, come here.” she opened her arms for you. 

You stood up, walking into her arms and letting yourself be held by someone other than Nakia for the first time since your return. 

“I-” you started, but got choked up in the process, tears rapidly forming and falling not just on your face but onto her shoulder. Embarrassed, you tried to release yourself but she didn’t relent, continuing to hug you. 

“I missed you.” you finally said when you were calmer. “I really, really missed you.” 

You laid your head on her shoulder, hearing sniffling from her at your words.

Ramonda was in her own state of shock. She had lost you, grieved you and eventually came to be at peace with you being gone. 

Seeing you in front  of her so long after it happened was the scariest thing she’d ever experienced in her life. Knowing that you’d gone through so much. It was a lot to come to terms with. 

“I thought you were gone. If I'd have known; trust me Y/n we would have been searching harder. We would have found you sooner.” she pleaded. 

Letting her go, you looked at her, tears in both of your eyes. “I know you would have.” you cried. You knew that it was true. She would have probably parted the oceans looking for you if she had known, but as far as you knew; Nakia kept her search for you secret for as long as possible. 

There was no way that she could have ever known. 

The two of you sat down, still letting a few tears flow down. 

“I was beginning to think you didn’t want to see me again.” you laughed out a bit.

“I tried to see you sooner, but people from all over the world have heard the story and want details. We had to make a plan on how to approach everything in a way that didn’t hurt you while still informing the countries involved.

I should have tried harder though. I already failed you once, the least I could have done was see you.” 

“Don’t put too much pressure on yourself. I understand that you were busy. I was saying that as more of a joke.”

She seemed to be thinking about the older part of your conversation. “Not seeing you is one thing. Not confirming that you were indeed dead is another. I failed you with that one. There must have been clear signs at the time.” 

You fell silent there. Your resentment for everyone’s lack of observance had faded long before. There should have never been a reason for everyone to look out for a child in case they were sold by their mother. You knew who the real one to blame was. 

"I can't fully blame you. The mastermind behind it all must have put up quite a stellar performance at the 'funeral'. She could fool even the smartest people." Then you leaned your head on Ramonda’s shoulder.

"She fooled me for 12 years, anyway,” you sighed, “Made me think she loved me. Now I’m not sure if that’s even possible." 

“Hey,” she took a hold of your chin, making you look up at her. “You are more than worthy of love. In every capacity of love that there could possibly be, you are worthy of it. I will never forgive myself for not being there for you and being a part of the people that make you feel like that.”

More tears left her eyes as you broke down in her arms. You did the same, crying as you thought back to what emotion it all led up to. 

Over time you became more and more accustomed to this emotion. It made you feel just like you did when Shashi was dragging you to the helicopter. Fearful, and helpless.

You were scared. 

For 23 years you thought that when you'd eventually get back it would all go back to normal. But it wouldn’t.  It couldn’t. 

You were home, and everything was worse now. 

Section 2: When Trials Begin…

50 days into freedom

"I'll never forget!" 

Shashi mouthed something to you, but you were in the vehicle before you could see, going for your necklace, you realised that it was gone. You'd lost the matching necklace that you had gotten with Nakia. 

The tears started to flow, your need for saving setting in. 

'Nakia was right.' You thought. 

Slowly fading out of consciousness, the man turned to you as you sat in the helicopter and you flew off. 

"My name is Dreykov." 

The seat you were forced into was cold, and worn out when you became conscious again. 

It was no longer night, but rather early morning. You looked around and realised that you were tied onto the seat. 

Then came the horrid smile from before. Dreykov. 

He was looking at you while he flew. His smile pressed into you from where he was. 

"You're up!" He chirped.

You stayed silent, fear surrounding you. You were stuck in an inescapable situation. Even if you were able to get out of the knots that he had put on you, you were far too high in the air to try and break through a window and jump out. 

Even adrenaline couldn't help you survive. 

There was only one thing you could do. 

Keep your mouth shut so he didn't kill you. 

When you got down on the ground, he untied you observing your reaction. You were tired. Too tired to try and execute an escape plan. 

He still gripped your hand firmly as he walked you to a secluded building. 

Your breathing quickened at the thought of what was in there. You were young but you were well aware of what people who bought and kidnapped little girls did to them. 

"No." You let out, tears falling as you tried to get his grip to loosen. The fear was becoming more than just an emotion. It was a warning. 

It told you that you didn't want to see what was in there. 

He stopped and gripped onto you, taking you by the shoulders with both hands. 

"There's nothing bad in there." 

You stood there as he breathed his words into your face. Your heart beating was all that told you that you were alive.

"If you listen and do what you're told to, you will live a good life here. You'll become something special." 

You relented, letting his strength overpower your will to live. 

In many ways, it really was the day that you died. 

You woke up with a start. Tears falling down your cheeks as you tried to compose yourself. 

‘It was just a dream’ you thought to yourself.

“Just a dream.” you whispered. But as you said that, the walls came down. You let out sobs, your insides melting out of you, leaving only a shell of a person. 

“No, no, no!” you let out the one thing you wish you had screamed that night. 

“No, no, no!” 

Again and again and again you imagined what would have happened had you not relented. It was your third bad dream that week. Flashbacks of the first days at the room haunting and taunting you as you tried to navigate your new found freedom. 

You were no longer distracted by withdrawal symptoms and people checking up on you every few minutes to see if you were okay. So your mind had everything it needed to make the nightmares vivid. Like you were reliving them over and over. 

Sweat attached you to your clothes and your clothes to your bed, making it virtually impossible to get out. 

“NO!” you screamed out, feeling a touch to your arm.

“Y/n!?”

“Huh!?” you were suddenly conscious of Nakia standing up from her position on your room's chair to get to you. You sat up seeing her in that worried state. 

She approached you, as you tried to wipe your face and act normal. 

“I’m fine,” you sniffled, wiping your nose, “Sorry for waking you up.” 

Nakia tilted her head at you, moving closer to you. “You had another one?” 

She opened her arms to you, and you couldn't help but lean into it, not wrapping your arms around her. Just laying your head against her stomach. She held your head as you cried into her shirt. 

She tried to calm you down, your body shaking uncontrollably in fear. 

"I was back in there again." 

"You're not there again, Y/n/n." She spoke softly to you. "I know that it feels like you're back there but you're not. You're here in this room with me." 

Drawing circles on your back, she breathed with you.

In. 'You are safe.'

Out. 'You are safe.'

In. 'You are safe.' 

Out. 'You are safe.' 

"Thank you." You mumbled.

She planted a kiss on your head. "Who was it this time?" 

"Just him. It was just after we left Wakanda." You spoke of Dreykov, letting go of Nakia as you stood up. 

Nakia knew most of what happened that day. You, having told her some of the details a couple of weeks before.

"Again. I'm sorry for waking you up." 

"You barely did anything. I'm not even tired." She lied. You could tell but didn't mention it.

"The reporters have been slower lately. Maybe you should go out for a breather." She suggested.

"Am I ready for that?" 

"We can just go to the training grounds." 

You smiled at seeing her look excited about something for once. You weren't completely oblivious to the fact that she had barely left your side since you’d been back. 

She didn't tell you much about what life was like before she found you. It was a topic of discussion that she often danced around. 

"We can go." You said.

She breathed a sigh of relief at the answer. 

The sun hung over you as you walked outside of the palace walls. 

It showed you everything you had missed when you went out in the dark. The place that you once knew well was completely different. 

The building was the same structure, and you expected new technology to have changed the way things operated, but everything else was different in ways you couldn't describe all that well.

It was different in a way that showed that the place had moved on without you. It felt strange knowing that if you asked when a new feature came in most people wouldn't remember it not being there before. 

You felt forgotten in a sense. Like there were only 2 people who would help you if you were drowning with a million other people there. But you also felt selfish for feeling forgotten.

You felt selfish for having a twinge of resentment towards the people who were there when it happened and didn't do anything.

Sure, they didn’t ask questions where it was clear that they should have, and didn’t listen to the people who were asking them. But you couldn’t say you were mad at every person who fell for the con.

You were just…

Disappointed. 

You would be forever grateful that you were out of Dreykov’s control, but you were disappointed. After all, your struggle wasn’t instantly gone when he was gone. You still had to do the extra work to make sure that you didn’t go crazy. 

Distracting yourself as often as possible to avoid thinking about everything that happened. 

It was hard. Your memories of the red room were slowly coming back and it was scary. 

You’d never had to remember much of what happened when Dreykov controlled your mind. All you did was the dirty work. He did the clean up.

Now you were being left to do the cleanup, and if you were being honest you weren't the best cleaner. 

 You felt a body rush up to you, a hand gliding into yours. 

Nakia. The one person who never had a single doubt. You owed her the world for what she sacrificed to find you. 

She could very well have permanently painted herself as a crazy woman looking for an impossible miracle to happen. But she never gave up on you. 

You would never stop giving her your thanks. You couldn't even imagine the mental toll that that had and was still taking on her. Being told that you were crazy for that many years. 

As she smiled softly at you, you wished you could give her a piece of the world big enough to make up for being the reason she lost more than half of her life. 

If you thought about it too much, you’d start sobbing again, and that would only make her take you back inside. 

She needed this breather far more than you did. 

You walked around for a while, not really looking at where you were headed. Soon you were at the training grounds, Nakia following you along without question. 

“Do you want to go in?” she asked.

“They’re probably busy.” you answered. 

She tilted her head at you, something that you realised she did more often now. 

“Okay.” you hesitated. 

The two of you entered the main building that the Dora Milaje trained in. It was quiet. Mostly empty. 

“Y/n!” you turned around at the call and saw Aneka standing at one side. You smiled, waving with your free hand. 

Then you felt Nakia gently release her hand from yours. You looked at her, and she smiled at you. 

“Go talk to her.” 

“You make me sound like an anxious kid when you say it like that.” you scoffed playfully. 

“Aren’t you?” 

You didn’t answer, going instead to speak to Aneka. 

Nakia went in the opposite direction, towards where Okoye usually was. 

“Okoye.” she said when she reached her. 

“Nakia!” Okoye greeted her with a hug.   “You’re outside!” she laughed. 

“You have jokes.” 

Okoye couldn’t deny herself one good laugh, leading to Nakia reluctantly joining her for a chuckle or two. 

The two went where they could sit. 

“Where’s Y/n?” Okoye asked. She’d met you not long after your return. And though you aren't close like you and Aneka, you liked each other. 

Okoye knew that you had to be close. 

“With Aneka in the next room.” 

“It was a bad morning so I suggested she get some fresh air.” 

Okoye observed Nakia’s body language. “Are you sure you’re not the one who needed fresh air?” 

“What?” 

“When was the last time you slept a full night?” 

“I don’t know. A few days ago. A few weeks, maybe.” 

Okoye looked at her with an astonished expression on her face. “A few weeks?!” 

“What? It hasn’t been that important lately.” 

“Nakia,” Okoye placed her hand on one of Nakia’s, “You spent 23 years looking for Y/n and you've been her primary caretaker for over a month now. You’re stretching yourself quite thin here. You need to take a break."

“Okoye, I’m fine. Stop being so paranoid.” 

“Am I? You look exhausted. Just take a break for a few days.” 

“And who would be there for Y/n?” Nakia whispered, defensively. 

“Everyone would. The two of you aren’t in your old world where you only had each other anymore. There are people here willing to help you and her. I’m here to help the both of you.” 

“Look, I know you mean that but I’m fine. Y/n is finally doing better and I just want her to feel safe again. I don’t want to leave her to go ‘take care’ of myself.” 

“Well if you don’t then who will, Nakia.” 

“Okoye.” Nakia sighed. 

Okoye held onto her hand a bit more forcibly, “Nakia!” 

“Okoye! I can’t just leave her. I-” she felt herself choke up, “I don’t know who I am when I’m not taking care of her.” 

That was the first time that she admitted it. For the first few weeks she refused to but it had been settling in on her for the last few days.

She wasn’t going to tell you, but there was less tension in her chest knowing that at least one person.

“I know that you love her,” Okoye paused for a while. She wanted those words to settle in. 

“And that you want to be there for her whenever something bad happens, but you need to trust that she’s capable enough to call you if she needs to. Or ask someone else for help if you’re busy. I’m sure she’ll be more than okay with letting you rest-”

Okoye stopped when she realised that Nakia was no longer listening. Instead she was looking outside of the room, where yours and Aneka's voices had fallen silent. 

She sighed, but let Nakia stand up to go find out if you were okay. Nakia walked to where she last saw you, and was relieved to still see you there. 

Seeing her, you placed your index finger on your lips telling her to stay silent. 

Aneka faced the other way. Eyes closed as she held her sword in its smaller state. 

Okoye walked in right after Nakia and she watched in confusion. 

Suddenly Aneka was rotating on the ground while lifting and maximising her spear. It was a fast movement that neither Okoye nor Nakia had ever seen before. 

When she got up and finished the move, you smiled. “You did it!” 

She opened her eyes, and ran up to you giving you a huge hug. 

“Did the two of you see that?” she said excitedly when she saw the other two people in the room. 

“We did. What was it?” Okoye asked. 

“It was a move that Y/n suggested that I try.” 

The two of them looked at you, and you avoided their gaze. 

Okoye’s because you knew she’d want to know more and that wasn’t what you were interested in, and Nakia because the smile plastered across her face would make you start to feel your cheeks blush up.

Even with the avoidance of eye contact, Okoye started, “Can you do that?” 

“No.” you shook your head dismissively. 

“She can!” Aneka went. You gave her a look of disbelief. 

“I mean I can, but I won’t.” 

They all stared at you with pleading eyes for a while; their collective peer pressure making you give in. 

You agreed to do it one time. 

“It works better with guns but I think I can work with other weapons.” You looked around, finding a spare spear on the floor.

You proceeded to do the same thing as Aneka, but with much more skill. You went down on your knee in one swift move, maximised the spear and were able to get a few good swings out of it before you minimised it and finished your turnout again. It was a split second move. One that Okoye barely believed had happened. 

You were just happy to not have stumbled in between. It hadn’t been that long since you’d trained regularly but it had been longer than usual and you’d taken a lot of new medications that could have easily thrown your skill off balance.

It was a lucky chance that you were still in fairly good shape. Lucky enough that Okoye and Aneka convinced you to do a few more demonstrations, with Nakia joining in only when asked to. 

With all of you in a line doing that one move, it felt like when you were still in the red room practising the rotation with your fellow widow’s, only now it was less tense.

You allowed yourself to stumble every one in a while. You weren’t scared of some unruly punishment when you didn’t do it all the way right. 

When the energy in the room hit below the ground, all you were left to do was struggle to catch your breath.

“You’re good.” Okoye huffed out, trying to remain less obvious about her struggle to breathe. 

Aneka wasn’t as hard trying. Bending over, panting while trying to keep herself up.

You were in some pain, seeing as your Cardiomyopathy was still in its recovering stages.

Nakia was the best one out of the 4 of you, her composure being commendable. 

An entrance through the door got you all standing up straight, trying to be natural. 

Ayo and a few of the other Dora Milaje walked inside. 

“What’s going on here?” She asked. 

“Nothing, beloved” Aneka lied through heavy breaths. 

Ayo didn’t ask anything else. Just shook her head and went about her business. 

“We should go.” Nakia laughed. You nodded, pulling yourself together before saying your goodbyes and leaving with her. 

When you got out, it was still early afternoon. 

“You’re impressive.” she took hold of your hand again.

“I’d hope so. 23 years has to be good for something.” you tried to approach it in a lighter way, but Nakia’s face clearly showed that she didn’t see it like that. 

“That was supposed to make you laugh.” 

“Oh, you were trying to make a joke?” you nodded, not realising that you were becoming the subject of sarcasm. “I would have never known. It was so good I forgot to laugh.” 

You shook your head, “Okay, I get it now. It was not received well by the crowd.” 

She laughed at that. Then an idea popped up in her head. 

“Come with me. I want to take you somewhere.” 

You followed her as she pulled you around, making you run at some points on your journey. For a while you had no idea where you were going. 

“Nakia, where are we going?” 

“You’ll see.” 

“The last time I waited to see, I was sold and flown out to Russia in a helicopter.” 

She stopped then, giving you a dead stare of warning. You were trying it. 

“That was the last one for today. I promise.” you said, allowing her to continue walking.

She made you close your eyes when you realised that you were in the River Province. 

You trusted her not to take you anywhere that you’d feel unsafe, but you didn’t remember much besides your old house.

“Okay, stop.” she said, holding you back.

You heard water, so you had an idea of where you were. 

“Open your eyes.”

You obliged. Opening your eyes to see the river of water in front of you. You looked at Nakia.

“Is this where we used to-”

“Yes.” She grinned, “We came here almost every day.”

“I hope you don’t expect me to get in there in my condition.” you remarked.

“I don’t”, she laughed. “We can just sit here for the rest of the day.”

You mouthed an ‘okay’ before finding the best place to sit on the ground. You stared at the flowing water, breathing in its pure scent. 

“What did we do here?” you asked. 

Nakia sat down close to you, laying her arm on you. 

“We mostly just played around. Sometimes I'd convince you to let us go in for a swim. But we usually sat down like this. Talking about our futures.

When T’Challa would join us we would see who could hold their breath underwater for the longest.” 

“He always lost.” you remembered, making Nakia grin. 

“Mhm. And he was such a sore loser too. Always blaming us for messing up his strategy.” 

You laughed, remembering that too. Some of the best moments were slowly coming back to the surface. 

You remembered once pretending that you had gotten lost when the two were bickering, forcing them to figure out where you were together. 

You remembered having one of your birthday celebrations there, and complaining to Nakia about your mother forcing you to invite everyone in your class, even the people that you didn’t like. 

Images of you dancing with Nakia whenever new songs came out, and her splashing you with water when you weren’t looking. 

A tear started to form at the feeling of finally remembering. 

“I wish there was something like this when I was in the room. It would have saved me a lot of tears. I used to imagine the river when I wanted to escape the life that I had there. It was what I dreamt of the first night that he brought me there.

I dreamt of that day this morning. Only the beginning, though. I didn’t get to the part about the river. I always wake up when that happens. ” 

“Maybe I'll get to that part of that dream today.” You offered comfort to yourself.

Nakia listened attentively. “Maybe you will.” she whispered, her throat blocked from her uprising emotions. 

“Did you come here when I was gone?”

“No.” Nakia was very closed off about much of what happened when you were gone. She didn’t tell you much except that she kept looking for you every chance that she got. 

Nakia knew that she had been concealing some information. She was just so used to wanting to let you talk about what you went through. She didn’t feel like her journey to finding you was worth any conversation. 

But really, she just didn’t feel like she was all that ready to talk about it. When you took her hand, holding it close to your heart, her mind went to the one place she tried to avoid. 

“My mother and aunt took me here the day we found out that you were gone.” she started. 

“It wasn’t right here. It was farther off, but it was still by the river. After that day, it was hard for me to want to come here. I felt like it would be selfish coming back here when you couldn’t.” 

Tears develop in her eyes, Nakia trying her best to wipe them away. “I don’t know how you’re able to talk and joke about what you went through. ” 

“It’s the only way I can make myself believe that I’m human.” 

“Human?” 

“I was trained to think that I was a dangerous machine. Not a human. Humans get scared. They get hurt and they’re imperfect. I couldn't be or do any of those things.” 

“But you know you’re human now, right?” 

You didn’t answer. You didn’t want to lie. 

“Right?!” she nudged you to answer. 

“Kia, I’m not a good person like you think I am. I had to do a lot of terrible things just to stay alive.” 

“Tell me.” 

“I’m not going to tell you.” 

“Tell me, y/n! If I can trust you with my burdens then you can trust me with yours.” 

“I killed people!” you let out with a heavy breath. 

“It wasn’t just outside assassinations that we did. That was only after we graduated. Before that, I had to hurt girls to protect myself from being hurt. I had to kill them so I didn't get killed. There’s nothing human about that. There’s nothing good about that.” your face was freshly coated with tears. It was frustrating because it felt like they were never-ending. 

“But that wasn't you, Y/n.” she tried to explain, “I know who you are and that was NOT you. “

You shook your head at her , “But it was. I did it too many times for it not to have been. I made people feel safe and then killed them when I had to!” you sobbed. 

“Y/n, I know it’s still fresh in your head and I’m not going to rush you. Your mind hasn’t settled to see the evil that surrounded and controlled you yet, but I am telling you; That. Was. Not. You.” 

Suddenly  the morning’s events were being replicated. You cried into her shirt as you tried to pull all the remaining parts of your identity back into the shell that was you as a person. 

With the day being so intense, Nakia felt like going to her childhood home was the best option for the night. 

Nobody was supposed to be there, so it would let the two of you sit with your unspoken words without feeling pressured into talking. 

“Did I bring gifts for someone’s birthday here once?” you asked at the memory of you carrying a large load of gifts. 

“Not technically. You just bought the gifts as a thank you one day. It wasn’t anyone’s birthday.” she replied. 

‘See? You’re human.’ she wanted to tell you, but she didn't. Instead, close the front door and switching on the lights. 

‘See? You are human.’ you thought to yourself.

The two of you cooked and ate for the first chunk of the evening. Not many words being exchanged between the two of you. 

You both feared that you would be brought into another hard discussion.

You were the first to break the silence. 

“Thank you for staying with me.” you said. 

Nakia nodded, but stayed silent. 

Then she let out a breath, “We used to have a saying.”

You looked up at her, begging for more information. 

 “You would say love is beautiful-” 

“-And you would say, friendship is better.” 

You both brought your pinky fingers up locking them together. 

“Y/n/n, You were, are and will always be my favourite person on this planet, and on any other planet beyond us. I’m going to be here for a long time.”

"What if I hurt you?”  

“I’m good at defending myself too. If anything happens, I'll be fine." 

"That's only gonna work if you give yourself a break, Kia. Whether you want to admit it or not, I am not the easiest person to constantly be taking care of. You still deserve a life outside of me." 

"I'll do that." She said, reluctantly. She didn't want to start every hard-hitting conversation in one day. 

"Good. I'm going to try and get some sleep."

When she tried to follow you, you stopped her.

"Only come with me if you want to sleep here." You started. 

She nodded, waving you a good-night whilst she went to sit down and watch TV. 

As soon as she switched it on; "In the latest news about our returned Wakandan woman; The adoptive Mother of the teen found to have been human trafficked 23 years ago is set to be put on trial in 3 months from now. This comes just over 1 month after she was arrested by Wakandan police. Sources say that she is struggling to find a legal team that will defend her." 

Nakia smiled at that revelation, letting herself get comfortable for the first time that day. 

That night, you got to see that part of your dream, hearing the sound of the river. 

3 months later. 

The sun rose at the palace, telling people that the day had begun.

You stood in the garden, taking in the beauty that was the sunrise. 

Just as you got to a state of peace, you felt a push at the back of you. 

“Ow, T’Challa!” 

“It wasn’t me.” he whined like a child, “It was Nakia. She stood on my foot” 

“It was an accident!” she defended herself. “What are we doing hiding behind here anyway? I thought we were going to watch the sunrise after climbing the tree. ” 

“We’re looking out to see if anyone else is out here.” you explained. 

“Exactly, Nakia! How would it look to others seeing 3 grown adults sitting in a tree like kids.” T’Challa added.

“You’re just trying to protect your Royal integrity.” Nakia said. 

T’Challa turned to her. “Maybe I am. What would you be able to say? We’re actually leaders of the nation now.” 

Nakia pulled a face at him, causing a stir between the two of them while you stayed watch. 

You let the two of them bicker, and continued on your quest. After a few cycles of not seeing anyone in the distance, you carefully started climbing the tree, the two behind you following you as they continued bickering. 

The tree in question had a nice base in the middle that allowed space for all three of you to sit. 

The three of you sat, T’Challa in the middle with you and Nakia on opposite sides of him, and the three of you watched the sunrise. 

The two loud ones stopped bickering and it fell silent in the tree. You all just sat admiring the work of the universe. 

It was a new day for everyone. And you were all starting to get used to being like this again. Not scared of losing another one of you. 

You were the chaotic trio again. 

When the sun was fully up, you were already separated. 

It was day 4 of the trial, and Nakia and T’Challa were obligated to appear. 

You had gone for every other day. Today was your day to rest from seeing Shashi. 

You were gonna take it to do anything but think of her. 

You made your way to the training grounds. 

You weren’t there to train with anyone. It was just a stress relief for you. First you’d do light warm ups, then you’d put on the new ballet attire that you’d been bought, and you’d dance for a while. 

It was still a coping mechanism for you, but you no longer went out of your way to hurt yourself more in the process. You were less rigid and detailed, just doing what your body told you to.

You also stopped dancing on worn out shoes. Instead making sure to be aware of when they could no longer support you anymore. 

You tended to lose yourself in dance, feeling like a human for once. 

Though few people had actually seen you dancing, it was known to everyone that if you were in the training grounds, that is what you were probably doing and you shouldn’t be disturbed. 

That’s why you were so surprised when a knock came at the door. 

Going to open it, you found Aneka waiting for you to answer. 

“Aneka!” you said happily. 

“Sorry to disturb you. I thought you might like to join us today.” 

You eyed her questionably. She never asked you to join her when you got into that room. She knew that you were dancing.

“The General asked if I were to ask you to join us today.” she confessed.

You nodded in understanding. 

You packed up your things and changed into something better for the type of training that you’d seen them do. 

When you got back to the main room,, you were greeted with an entire group of Dora mIlaje  in the room. It must have been nearly all of them. 

“You summoned me, General Okoye.” you said, crossing your arms in respect as you approached her. 

She did the same, grinning at you. She was up to something for sure. 

“I heard you were free today and thought that you’d want to join us.” 

You scanned her face for lies, and spotted a few. 

“Is that so?” you said, hoping that she would realise that you had caught on. 

She did.

“We actually thought that you could help us with spear training.” 

“Me?” you asked, pointing to yourself and looking around you to check if someone else was behind you. 

“Yes, you.” 

Then you looked at the rest of the Dora in the room and you realised that they were all already holding their spears. 

“Are you all trying to use my ruthless Widow training to your own advantage?” you asked everyone. 

A  loud “NO!” unanimously came through the room. 

“Yes!” 

Almost unanimous. 

You turned to the only one telling the truth. Aneka. The others glared at her. Including the General. 

You knew what your decision would be, but you had to let them sweat for a while. You pretended to think about it. Then you did a half turn like you were going to leave, but you continued into a full 360 turn and smiled at them. 

“What do you wanna do first?” 

8 hours later Nakia and T’Challa were back at the palace. The day had been long and tiring. 

News reporters from all over had submitted questions after the court session, making the interviews after the session only 10 times longer. 

Nakia was so exhausted, she didn’t realise that you weren’t at dinner until almost halfway through. 

“Where’s Y/n?” 

“In her room. She came in not too long ago, looking like she’d had quite the day.” Raminda said. 

“Did something happen?” Nakia asked, panicked. 

“No. I think that she was training with the Dora today.”

Nakia laughed, “Y/n? Training with the Dora?” 

Ramonda smiled at her. “Ask Okoye. Apparently it was quite an eventful day.” 

Nakia took that with a grain of salt, finishing her food and making her way straight to your room. 

“Y/n” she said entering your room without knocking all the way. It was basically your shared room. 

“Nakia!” you said happily when you saw her. 

She saw you wrapping your hand and was instantly by your side. “What happened?” she asked. 

“It’s just a few blisters from training. Nothing’s wrong.” you almost laughed at her. 

Still she went along and helped you wrap your hands. 

“I’m getting better, you know. I’m processing things just like you said. I’m going through them instead of trying to step around them.” 

She knew that, but she didn’t want to admit that she wasn’t processing as quickly. 

“You are. And I’m proud of you.” 

When she was done, she kissed both hands. 

Not long after, you laid in your bed,  in her arms. 

“How was training today?” she asked. Your back facing hers as you talked.

You didn’t say anything for a while, letting the subtle sound of wind from outside occupy the conversation. Then you tried to distract her, “You looked good today.”

Nakia felt her cheeks grow flushed, but she knew what you were doing.

“That doesn’t answer my question.” 

You groaned, “Training was good.

Almost too good. Okoye’s been pestering me about a job offer.” 

“To be a Dora?!” Nakia asked excitedly. 

“No! I wouldn’t be able to do that. She wants me to become the Dora Milaje’s combat and weapons trainer. I would find the best ways to train them, maybe travel around for inspiration sometimes.” 

“That sounds incredible!” you could feel the excitement radiating off of her body. 

“Yeah, I’m not taking it.” 

Nakia sat up, throwing you off of her.  “What!?” 

You looked at her and could almost see the rage smoke leaving her ears. Albeit you knew that she wasn’t mad, just shocked. 

“Nakia, I know that you’ll hate me for saying this, but I still don’t think it’s a good idea for me to be handling any weapons.” 

“Y/n,” she started.

You were ready to hear her give you the usual speech. But she didn’t say a word. Instead, she just held you closer, and gave the side of your head a kiss. 

“You have amazing things to offer this world.” she said. 

The next morning there was a box by your bedside. You opened it to see a familiar item of jewellery. 

When you looked closer, you realised that it had changed only slightly. 

It read: ‘Friendship is beautiful, Love is better.’

It matched the one that Nakia had been wearing the day before. 

You just hadn’t noticed.  

Section 3: What Happens After?

One year of freedom

{BREAKING NEWS: Shashi Jarenu pleads guilty to 10 criminal charges after 23 years of lying to authorities about daughter’s supposed death. She faces life imprisonment: Y/n L/n tells her truth.}

Nakia stared at the TV that sat in your room, watching your early morning interview on the news. 

You and the interviewer came onto the screen. 

“So Y/n. Before we begin, can you give an introduction for the people who might not know who you are. “ 

You looked into the camera, your smile making Nakia smile back at you through the screen. 

“My name is Y/n L/n. A lot of people might know me as the reincarnated 12 year old who was found in Italy 23 years after her death,” you joked, making Nakia roll her eyes while the interviewer laughed with you.

“But on a more serious note. I am not a reincarnation. I was the 12 year old adopted daughter of Shashi Jarenu, who allegedly died 24 years ago." 

"But you didn't die?" 

"No, I was sold"...

WAIT! 

SOMETHING WAS OFF. 

Nakia woke up with a bit startled. She checked the news to make sure that she knew what was true and what wasn't.

She sighed in relief. Shashi's criminal charges were real. 

After scoping everywhere, and turning the TV on, she laughed at herself.

You had refused to do the interview just a few days ago. You said that you didn’t want to be a part of the media attention pyramid like the journalists wanted you to. 

It had become a running joke of yours and you weren’t willing to let it go. 

Realising that you weren’t at an interview, she was surprised to see that you weren’t still in bed. 

She was usually the first one up. 

Her mind sifted through the things that could have led you to leaving so early and it all came to one conclusion. 

The kiss from last week.

Nakia had gotten ahead of herself one night in the previous week when you were having a really good day together. She kissed you and you didn’t say a word for the rest of the evening, only smiling nervously at her. 

She had planned to talk to you about it for days but you didn’t act weirdly about it until then. She got up and tried to call you, the call not even reaching your beads. 

Frantically, she got ready. Calling and calling. 

Something in her heart told her that something was wrong. She couldn’t lose you again.

She went around the entire palace looking for you, or anybody who had seen you, but unluckily she didn’t find anything. 

When she saw the general passing by, she stopped her. 

“Okoye! Have you seen Y/n?” 

Okoye shook her head. “I haven’t seen her since training yesterday.” 

“Training yesterday?” Nakia didn’t know that there was training. 

 “Didn’t you hear? She finally agreed to be the Dora’s combat trainer.” 

Nakia shook her head. “Did she say why she changed her mind?”

“She said that she wanted to spend time helping others be better able to defend themselves. Even if it meant defending the monarchy who-”

“-are under no threat most of the time.” Nakia finished the sentence breathlessly. Just like she said all those years ago.

Okoye looked at her with questions written all over her face, but decided not to ask them.

Deciding to ask the more important question. “Why are you so eager to find her?”

“No reason.” Nakia said bluntly. 

“Nakia. What’s going on between the two of you.” 

“I kissed her last week.” Nakia wanted to kick herself for saying it so easily. 

“You only just kissed last week?” 

“Yes.” Nakia dismissed the tone of her last sentence. 

“Okay, so what’s the problem?” 

“The problem is that I’m not sure what that means for us.” Nakia started breathing deeply, trying to keep herself calm. Okoye joined her in support. 

“Nakia, you’re overwhelming yourself.”

“I don’t know if Y/n will love me now that she’s gotten her life back.” 

“You think that Y/n only loves you because you’ve been there for her when her life was a mess.?” Okoye asked. The Wardog nodded, seeing good reason for her to think that. 

“Sister, Y/n has loved you since the very beginning and she still loves you. It’s not just because you’ve been there for her this past year. She genuinely loves you for you. If you’re worried about what you are, just ask her.”

"Okay." Nakia nodded.

Okoye gave her half of a hug, being called somewhere before Nakia could thank her. 

Nakia ended up pacing around for another 4 hours trying to call you. Still there was nothing. Fear started to creep up again. 

What if she lost you again? But this time not because of you being taken far away from her, but rather due to you choosing to leave her. 

She had slowly been driving you away and you were probably sick of her. 

Her thoughts had her wrapped up so deeply that she didn’t realise that she was finally getting a response back from you. 

“Y/n/n?” she asked when she answered. 

“Kia. Are you okay? Aneka called me after I left her house and told me that you had called her nonstop.” You asked her, feeling anxious about why she had called you 45 times in the last 6 hours. 

“Where are you?” she sniffled out.

“I went to Shashi’s house.” you said.

Nakia’s blood froze.

“I’m coming. Don’t move.” 

In 45 minutes Nakia was at the door of Shashi’s house, practically banging the door down. 

“Nakia?! What’s going on?” you asked her as she searched your face for any injuries. 

She spun you around a few times making sure that you were completely intact. 

“I’m okay.” you said, smiling as she finally seemed to calm down. 

For what felt like the millionth time that year, tears formed in her eyes. They were happy tears though. Tears of relief and joy. You opened your arms to her, allowing her to come into your embrace as the tears came in waves. 

You kissed the top of her head. “I’m okay, sthandwa. I’m okay.” 

She lifted her head at the term of endearment, but got distracted by the bigger question in her mind. 

“If you’re fine, why are you here?” 

You sat her down on one of the chairs that sat in the living room and told her about what you had been doing. 

You told her about going to look for a house of your own with Aneka around where she and Ayo lived, having liked the houses there for months. When you were finished searching and Aneka left to do something important, you’d decided to take one last trip to the house where it all started. 

“I came here to see it for the last time.” you breathed out. 

“I found some of her stuff still here. I found the phone that she used to use to call him. It had calls. Texts. Emails. Just a whole lot of conversations between the two of them from the same year that she adopted me all the way to the day I was taken.” 

Nakia tried to keep up with what you were telling her but she was stuck at one point. 

“You’re moving out of the palace? Why didn’t you tell me?” she asked.

You hesitated for a second, not sure if you wanted to have that conversation at that moment. Deciding that you did, you took one of her hands, “I didn’t know what would happen to us. What would happen to you.”

“What would happen to me?” she questioned, nearly taking her hand away at the implication that you were making. 

“I just mean that I didn’t know whether you’d want to come with me or stay.”

“Why wouldn’t I want to come with you?”

Another pause stood between your conversation. 

"Y/n," she repeated, "why wouldn't I want to come with you?"

“Because your world seems to revolve around me.” 

“No it doesn’t” 

“Nakia…would you have become a Wardog if you weren't looking for me?"

Nakia paused, stumped "I…I don't know." She sighed. “Why does that matter anyway?” 

"It matters because I love you, Nakia. I love you, and I think you love me but I'm not sure if I can trust that you really love me or just don't know who you are without me. I've taken up most of your life with being gone. You never allowed yourself to find out who you were outside of being my protector. I don’t want to keep dragging you along with me if you’re tired. I want you to have a life outside of me.”

Nakia understood that. "What happens if I don't like who I am without you?"

"I'm not going anywhere. If you're struggling with finding out who you are, I'm gonna be here just like you were with me. I love you." 

"You love me?" She asked. 

“I do.” 

"And you'll stay with me while I figure it all out?" 

You nodded, "I'll stay with you as long as you'll have me." 

2 years later- The Epilogue. 

What happens after? 

What happens once the person you've been looking for all your life is found and there's nothing else to do?

What happens after your life stops being a deadly situation?

What happens after you've found home in yourself again? After you've started to see yourself as human again. 

What happens when the main driving factor for you waking up is no longer out of reach. When you've got everything to live for, but nothing to fight for?

Nakia questioned herself everyday. Who was she when there was nothing to fight for? Or nothing to prove.

She spent decades fighting for the same thing, getting it and only noticing then that that one thing wasn't her whole being.

Having to find out what life without you meant to her was more than challenging. She had to rethink all the decisions she made while you were gone. Going deeply into finding out why she made them. Whether it was for you or for her. 

She spent weeks away from you, trying to find out what happened next.

When she got back, she was still unsure. But that was okay. There was always more after to come. If this after didn't work, she would find another one. 

Nakia's jet came down from the sky, arriving back home after 3 months of going around to help with Wakanda’s new outreach centre's. 

Getting out of it, the ground felt softer and the air clearer. 

She smiled.

She was home. 

Where the sky glistened both in the day and night. 

Where she could take a break and be alone. 

Where she was all of herself. Not a single piece missing.

She walked down the busy paths on her way to where she lived. She did it slowly. Letting anything distract her. 

There wasn’t a timeliness for what she did anymore. She didn't need to walk like the world was chasing her. Now, she was a part of the world that she'd so long felt separated from. 

She was free to go where she pleased without any guilt. 

That's why she ended up going to the river instead of straight home. 

The water was a part of her before, holding her fondest memories worthy of cherishing. But it was also going to be a permanent part of her after. It would hold better memories. Ones that she could think of without feeling guilty.

She didn't stay long. Wanting to get some sleep for once. 

She went to her house, expecting it to be empty. 

She was right. 

It was quiet when she entered. Nobody was there. 

She went to her bedroom, settling in bed. 

She had people that she could call when she woke up. That’s if she wanted to  go out. It had been a long trip back, so she would have to see how she felt when she woke up. 

She slept for a few hours, waking up only when the sun was going down and she felt the need to get up.

Sitting in her living room, she heard a click at the door. Smiling, she stood up from her chair. 

The door opened, and you walked into your home, looking down at the door in confusion. You hadn’t left it unlocked. 

You looked up, and saw her. Nearly dropping your things. 

“My love.” she said with a smirk, seeing the expression on your face.

“You're home!” you said, putting down your things. 

You nearly fell over yourself trying to get to her. You took no time going to hug her. 3 months without her had been torture. 

You held her head softly, as she held yours.

“I’m home.” she whispered, feeling the emotions coming up. 

It had been the longest 3 months of her life. It had been good for her, but it was still the longest. 

“I missed you,” she said. 

It was the 3rd time that she’s gone on the same trip, so you were more prepared than the first 2 times. You knew that it was the best for the both of you.

But it was just as hard. You were glad to have her back in your arms. 

“I missed you more than I've missed anyone in my entire life.” you said. 

Looking at her, your lips met in a tender kiss. 

You let her take the lead, holding you like she’d never let you go ever again. 

You tried to keep up, gasping for air in the middle. With her arms around your waist, she whispered. “I love you.”

She let your lips linger.

“You look good in that.” she said. 

You looked down at your trainer uniform, laughing. It resembled the Dora Milaje uniform a lot, but there were a few differences in colour. Yours had more green and blue in it by your request. It was to represent the river. Your strength in your after. 

“I do. Don’t I?”

The two of you sat outside in your porch swing , looking out at your water. 

Nakia looked at you wide eyes as you updated her on what you were doing while she was gone.  

“So you left and they just stopped training?” she asked. 

You nodded in dismay. “When I asked them what they had worked on while I was gone, one of them tried to show me something she learned 4 weeks before I left.”

“How long were you gone?”

 "3 weeks!” you ranted, making Nakia cover her mouth with her hand as she chuckled. “If they become Dora’s by spring, I’ll be surprised.”

“They're  almost as bad as you were when we were younger.” she said. 

You eyed her, “I remember being better than a certain somebody” 

“Better than who?” she questioned, testing to see if you were willing so go there.

“Do you really want me to answer that?” you asked with a smirk.

“I do, actually.” 

“I think that I was better at-” she looked at you sharply. She was ready to get up to pin you down.

“YOU. You were better at combat.”

“That's what I thought I heard.” she said, happy with that. You didn’t argue. 

She had your heart. You had hers. 

You were her after…

And she was yours. 

#Spotify #black panther #wakanda forever #okoye #dora milaje #nakia black panther #nakia #nakia x reader #nakia x female reader #nakia fanfiction #x female reader #x reader insert #x reader #aneka #the red room #dreykov marvel #general okoye

[yuv4na]

Harmonies in the Cosmos: Exploring 'The Dark Side of the Moon,' 'Twin Fantasy,' and 'Anveshna' – A Sonic Odyssey

Hello there,

I'm that person who always has her headphones on (yes, I'm listening to music right now). From bouncing between various music phases, I've evolved into the "everything" listener. Lately, I've been drawn to albums with meaningful themes that thread all their songs together. It just clicks, you know? So, if you're someone like me, here are a few albums with beautifully woven themes that deserve a spot in your playlist.

1) THE DARK SIDE OF THE MOON - by pink floyd

So, "The Dark Side of the Moon" by Pink Floyd? That album is like a deep dive into the human psyche, you know? Released back in '73, it's like a musical journey exploring life, time, and the not-so-sunny sides of being human. Time is a big player here – tick-tocking clocks and all. It's like a constant reminder that life's ticking away, urging you to ponder how you're spending your precious moments. And then there's "Brain Damage" shining a light on the fine line between sanity and madness, delving into the mental health rollercoaster. But it's not just introspective stuff; they take a swipe at society too. "Money" and "Us and Them" throws shade at the dehumanizing grind, the rat race, and the whole conformity circus. Pink Floyd was like, "Let's talk about the real stuff," you know? And like a cherry on the top, the songs flow seamlessly into one another, creating a continuous musical experience, so get ready for a fully immersive experience. It's an album that hits you in the feels and makes you think – a timeless classic for sure.

2) TWIN FANTASY - by car seat headrest

Twin Fantasy is like a musical rollercoaster through the twists and turns of love, relationships, and self-discovery. It's like Will Toledo decided to spill his heart out on every track, creating this coming-of-age masterpiece that's basically a soundtrack to the messy, beautiful journey of growing up. The whole album feels like a personal diary set to music, you know? With the title "Twin Fantasy," it's like Toledo is playing around with this idea of duality, maybe reflecting the internal tug-of-war we all go through when trying to figure ourselves out. There's this mirrored quality to the narrative that adds this extra layer of complexity. And the lyrics? they're like a direct line to Toledo's soul. It's like he's baring it all – the struggles of getting close to someone, the impact of mental health on relationships, and the whole messy business of trying to figure out who you are. Something I love about he album is that It's not just a bunch of tracks; it's a cohesive story. Each song is like a chapter in this novel of emotions. And the vulnerability! It's refreshing how honest and raw Toledo gets. Listening to "Twin Fantasy" is like taking a deep dive into the complexities of relationships and self-discovery. It's relatable on so many levels – like Toledo is narrating the soundtrack of our own messy, beautiful lives.

3) ANVESHNA - by arpit bala

"Anveshna" isn't just an album; it's a journey through the labyrinth of human emotions, skillfully crafted by Arpit Bala alongside Sangeetkir and A.O.D. The very essence of the title, meaning 'to find something,' sets the stage for a narrative that delves into the story of a lost soul going through a heartache. Arpit Bala seems to have poured his heart and soul into this creation, turning it into a personalized exploration of obsession, heartbreak, and self-doubt. It's like he's inviting you to step into his world and feel every chord, every beat, and every lyric as if they were tailor-made for your own emotional journey.What makes "Anveshna" truly exceptional is its seamless storytelling. As you listen, you can't help but be swept away by the cohesion of the four tracks. The beauty lies in how each song flows effortlessly and gracefully into the next.In essence, "Anveshna" is not just an auditory experience; it's a personal odyssey. This album is like an invitation to feel, to reflect, and to find something within yourself.

#Spotify

[mischas]

one of the things that really stands out to me in mischa's recounting plus what we see from ben is that both then and now, she demonstrates greater emotional maturity and actually compassion. first in actually being the one to end the relationship - regardless of brandon being his own shitshow, it actually demonstrates a level of maturity to recognise you're not ready for a relationship with your 8 years senior co-star.

her account of it now really shows again a lot of maturity in calling out the ways it was damaging and hurtful, but not becoming petty and vindictive. even now, she actually had enough compassion/emotional understanding to recall there was something genuine there which translated onscreen (by no means advocating their relationship but life is complex with multiple, sometimes conflicting, emotional truths!) meanwhile, ben, the man who should have known better, doesn't seem to have moved past whatever grudge he held, to demonstrate any real empathy or introspection! and to think ben was always viewed as mr nice guy and she was the ungrateful diva - mischa deserves justice!

I know right, I keep going back to this quote from CHD:

"You just kind of know what you don't want, you don't know what you do want."

It's really powerful and such a good way of describing what it feels like to be young and not have all the right tools just yet. And she emphasizes again and again that so many of her firsts happened in this era. I think this relationship was quickly becoming her entire world and that was not only a lot but something she realized she didn't want. Mischa was the only actually emotionally mature one in this whole mess including producers which is downright insane. And to think they held it over her head not only in set treatment but in the writing! I knew they hated her bad but man alive....

And you're right. I think Mischa shows him grace to not lay every single thing wrong with the situation at his feet. It's complicated to revisit something like this 20 years later with all the various contexts that we know and some I'm sure we still don't. For her to say there was, at some point, genuine friendship and love underneath everything else at the end of the day says a lot. This relationship didn't exist in a vacuum and it's also not something that fully ended when it actually ended either. Your mention of "life is complex with multiple, sometimes conflicting, emotional truths!" is right on the money here. I actually think she was way nicer about him than she could've (and should've) been. But her saying it at all is really brave because literally no one involved thought she would, least of all the man himself. And it's such a great move on her part. I'm so proud.

Also yes, whack him for me. I've been over his self-righteousness for a while now, especially considering how the show let her take the fall for 20 years for basically every problem the set ever had.

#ask #anonymous #mb tea

[laceratedlamiaceae]

Ed, Olu

(character ask game)

ooh okay I'll start with Oluwande and put Ed under the cut because I can't help being a bitch about him sorry

how I feel about the character: I used to not really like him that much because I thought he was too nice, but I've since gotten into the awkward energy of lines like "I'm gonna try to undo some of the damage from that interaction" and now I think he's pretty cool. OTP: Tealoranges, of course. (Is that the generally accepted ship name for Jim/Oluwande? it's the one I've been using). OT3: I'm intrigued by Jim/Oluwande/Spanish Jackie. NOTP: Honestly shipping him with anyone other than Jim would just feel wrong to me, but I guess the worst would be Oluwande/Stede. favorite bromance: Frenchie. Their whole thing in episode 5 was so good. favorite family dynamic: When the whole crew unanimously votes him as captain. He was only captain for like half a second but I love the way they all trusted him to lead them and we'd better get more of that in season 2. favorite canon thing about them: I'm not quite sure how to put this, but he just has good vibes. Whenever he's on screen it just feels nice to see him there. So I guess my favorite canon thing about him is just that he's there lol. favorite headcanon: He was trying to get with Jim for months before they killed Jackie's husband and the two of them had to run away, they just didn't pick up on it at all until they were in a life-threatening situation. Like there's no way he would be good at flirting and you know Jim would be into mortal peril.

how I feel about the character: I hate him. I've actually done a lot of introspection as to why and I think the main reason is that I envy him--why does he get to be such a whiny, emotional, annoying, sad, pathetic, crybaby little bitch and still be loved when I never did? I know that's wrong and I'm trying to get over it though. (that being said I do also just find his general mannerisms annoying too. that bit in episode 4 where he's trying to show Izzy the model ship when Izzy obviously doesn't care is so grating on me) OTP: That post I reblogged a while ago going "I love blackbonnet because I wouldn't want to inflict them on anyone else" was so true. OT3: The only option I can even think of is steddyhands, and while I used to be kind of into them I'm not anymore, so I'll just make one up and say Spanish Jackie/Ed/Jim because he needs two terrifying people to keep him steady. NOTP: I'm tempted to say blackhands just because Izzy is my favorite character and I don't want him with my least favorite, but I do sometimes get into the tragedy of them so I think I'll go with Ed/Frenchie, just because I've actually seen that one and it does not do it for me. favorite bromance: uhh I guess the friendship that once existed between him and Izzy in my mind? favorite family dynamic: I love how his mom tried preparing him for the harsh realities of life and ended up unwittingly reinforcing harmful beliefs that would haunt him well into middle age. That was so real. favorite canon thing about them: He is very sexy with the beard and the leather, I'll give him that. favorite headcanon: He, like Frenchie, is deathly afraid of cats. I just think that would be funny.

#once again sorry for being an ed hater i don't like it either #asks #ask game #oluwande boodhari #edward teach

[silenthillmutual]

7, 12, 17, 23, 29, 78

sorry i'm answering so late the adhd hit me hard yesterday!!!

Post a snippet from a wip.

Harry counts backwards from five, swallowing a bubble of air. Wrong move; his body rages against the pocket making its way down to his stomach, threatening to heave up all the contents that have yet to settle. In through the nose, out through the mouth. Everything is fine. “I could ask you the same thing,” he says evenly. “Is there a hospital in Brahms? We have to get you checked out, make sure that thing didn’t do any lasting damage.”

from my harry mason wip :) i have no idea where i'm going with it, but then again most of what i've written for silent hill has just been introspective

Do you outline your fics?  If yes, how detailed are your outlines?  How far do you stray from them?

i outline some of them! there's a vague outline i'm working on right now for the next bloodborne fic i'm gonna write. i tend to write my outlines for fic similarly to how i wrote papers for school, but they're really just a guideline to give me an idea of what to write where. the most detailed outline i wrote was for honey & venom because i was trying to write the longest fic i could, so i really needed that guidance.

Do you have a writing routine?

not really! writing is one of those things i can do whenever, wherever. it doesn't always turn out good, but i like to try a variety of things throughout the day to try and get some writing done. maybe a routine would help me?

Is writing the beginning, middle, or end of the story easiest? Hardest?

oh... i think maybe the middle is the easiest. that's when i tend to get into the flow of writing, without being as self-conscious about what i'm writing. it's the ending that's hardest for me, because i have the worst time determining how to end fics. i try to let them find a natural end, but it usually feels so lackluster to me.

What’s something about your writing that you’re proud of?

i'm proud of the way i write characters in emotional distress. i've worked a lot on descriptions, trying to explain what it's like to be going through an episode or what have you, and i think i usually pull it off pretty well!

What motivates you during the writing process?

usually it's wanting to share what i've written with others, but i've been trying to change my reasons for writing so that i don't focus so much on the potential for getting attention. that hasn't been healthy for me. instead, i'm just trying to write for the joy of writing, and if others like it, then that's great!

thank u for the questions :)

fic writing asks~

#icarus.txt #squid pro quo #yahargulian

[sneakerdoodle]

it's the New Year soon (one of my favorite things ever!!!!) and that's making me introspective so i'm gonna be Sappy about my personal life and my Love life and like, overshare a lot and hopefully not feel embarrassed about it and just be excited and happy about all the good things in my life, and there is no like big statement here i'm just gonna gush!!!!! yeah!!!!!!

it's been a year and almost 8 months since Fleur and i got engaged, (about a year and a half since we were like, "yep, we're engaged in a Gay way" fgdhjdshdjk) and it's been about 5 years since we became friends, and it was actually on a New Year's eve that i first reached out to them directly and we started talking a couple of months after that, and it was a Weird Weird very hard time in my life! the first half of 2017 was just really heavily loaded with a lot of personal realizations, pain, trauma processing, subtle emotional estrangement from my family as i came to be more acutely aware of my lgbtq+ identity, realizing i was stuck in a VERY bad damaging friendship and dreading any way of getting out of it, all the works; just, a HORRID time all around. and we weren't talking that much yet, but this like... weird cocoon of scared scary isolation was being breached a little bit by this person who i genuinely thought was SO SO COOL choosing to interact with me however casually, and it meant a lot... and then when i got through the scariest most confusing parts of it and created more space for Myself to exist in my own life, i just, got slammed with this HUGE weight of not-yet-fully-processed trauma that felt like it literally shook the very foundations of my life, and Fleur was the first person i talked to about it and their unwavering compassion and acceptance literally meant the WORLD.

i was like. are we friends is this my friend now!!!!! oh my god! and it was absolutely LIFE-CHANGING cause all the factors combining, like the very bad friendship experience and the newly processed personal realizations made connecting with others so WEIRD. there was a time when i was genuinely terrified of the idea of making a new friend because i was so deeply convinced friendship was so supposed to hurt and be absolutely exhausting and heartbreaking, and then i realized some things about the world and myself that still make it both so so so hard to trust other people OR feel like they would genuinely love me if they actually knew me, and i spent the December of 2017 with this acute, persistent, haunting feeling of complete disconnect from the world and other people, like no connection i could make would actually count, like i could not possibly occupy a meaningful place in others' lives, like if i died nothing would have changed for anyone because i was so easily replaceable. because i just came out of a state in which i was treated as completely irreplaceable, treated jealously, held captive by another person's emotional stability and both hailed as their savior and despised for not being enough to make things truly alright; and having to break a bond this intense made everything else feel just so much... flatter, disconnected, like no one who didn't try to make my entire life about themself actually wanted me that much or in any way that mattered. and through that, still, i had Fleur to talk to, and that meant so so MUCH. i had another friend group that i regularly closely interacted, but unfortunately i wasn't very very good at being Friends with them because of everything that made processing Friendship and Connection so hard; to this day, it's hard, i never feel comfortable taking up space, i never feel comfortable sharing my pain, i never feel comfortable asking for things, and it's really really hard to process the idea of someone really Caring about me, and i am still far too afraid of letting people Know things about me and unable to believe they would genuinely like me if they did. and at the time, i would just... not be able to process the fact that i would talk to someone a lot and know personal things about them as us being Friends, however cold that sounds.

but with Fleur there was always just this!! ease... it felt right to message them first and it felt right to talk to them and tell them all the little details of my day and not feel like i was bothering them; it felt right to request comfort from them, and it meant the world that i could trust them with like, Everything in my life. every bit.

a lot a lot a lot a lot of things have happened in our lives since then, and many things happened between us, but through it all our bond was always just so... unparalleled. before the big damaging friendship i moved through my life very faintly aware of myself, and there was little intense emotional honesty i would find anywhere, be it with my family (who mostly just made their big emotions my problem rather than a point of connection and a reason to communicate) or with my childhood friends with whom i couldn't really connect on a personal level because there was so much i didn't understand and so little emotional maturity and relationship experience i possessed. then the big bad friendship came along, and it was a stark contrast to Everything else, because of how intense and open and Bleeding with emotion it was, how it demanded my full presence, my entire heart, how Alive and Awake it made me feel and how aware of the world. but there was still little space in it for myself, and the intensity came at too high a price, and there was little communication and emotional growth happening there, either.

and i don't really like, possess Dating Experience outside of a few months with someone who wasn't a bad person but wasn't a good friend to me. we knew each other long enough before starting to date but there was little like, vulnerability and emotional security in that relationship, they didn't really Know me and these days i am completely dumbfounded at the fact that i didn't feel extremely intimidated by and insecure about maintaining a very involved close relationship with someone i didn't have a direct and tried channel of communication with; it was truly just extremely amatonormative (in the sense that, i was interpreting the meaning of romance from general expectation and formalities of it and celebrating it on those grounds because it was exciting to be liked and flirted with, but i wasn't really inspecting whether there was a good relationship basis to that specific romantic experience and what I wanted from my partner other than, "being my partner" lol). there was no desire to really know me, including through the uncomfortable parts, there was no readiness to pause to talk things through, no honesty and openness and desire to communicate, no intent to hear me out and do the hard things that would keep me safer and happier, like inspecting certain life choices or confronting actions of other people, etc. and i guess now that i know we weren't such close friends to begin with it makes sense that person wouldn't want to do all of that for me! but it's just so Weird that i wanted to date someone who wasn't a close friend of mine or someone who Wanted to be a closer friend of mine and was committed to building a good, strong relationship with me. i feel like the way they saw me was just... very soft and mellow and nice, and i wasn't being used or anything but i wasn't being Known as a person.

all of this is to say: i've never had a good, solid, close relationship before meeting Fleur; everything else was either detached and surface-level and arising from me and the other person generally not minding each other's company, OR was intense to a destructive degree and equated emotional openness with devastating codependency. so like. i'm not actually good at having friends OR being in a relationship and i still really struggle with connecting with people and am generally very very isolated as a person;

but i AM good at being friends with Fleur, and being in a relationship with them... there is a lot a lot a lot a lot that i'm learning; a year and 8 months is a long time, and one would Think we would've settled into a routine by now, but so much keeps changing. my country is changing horribly and drastically every day. our plans keep changing, getting disrupted, delayed, we keep fighting and fighting to get a chance to just, live together, and it keeps getting ripped out of our hands, and it's Hard and rocky and uncertain. i was lucky enough to spend 5 whole months sharing a house with them, and, gosh, it felt so wonderful to settle into a domestic routine with that, but now we have to get used to being apart again, and it's like we're just... wobbling and wobbling and wobbling and waiting for a time we can just, start Living our Life and learning the true shape of it... but i'm just really really grateful for everything i am getting to learn about what living and being together means, and so impatient to start doing that full-time without a timer over our heads...

and it's just!! so weird and special because this relationship we share is the most magical unexplainable Unparalleled experience of my life that doesn't compare to anything else, and at the same time it feels like... the most Normal one. it's emotional and involved and honest and intense but in a way that is like... softer, caring, and has the context of this... good domestic life we share every day. the hard emotional parts require Work and the work isn't always like, dramatically romanticized, sometimes it's just Hard and sometimes scary, but that's just like... normal. in a way that doesn't shy away from the hard things but doesn't let the hard things destroy the love and care we always always hold for each other. and i feel like... that's life? i feel like i was never allowed to live Life, it was either muted and the harsh parts of it overlooked, or it was so oversaturated with defiant abandon that left no room for love and softness and hope, or for my needs and feelings, and both of those are just... such weird, detached representations of it. and now i'm learning what Life is, and gosh, sometimes life is just... really really hard, and at some point you become unable to glorify your way through the very messy parts of it; but that's the life i'm supposed to be living, and it feels... normal. like it has a future, like it has meaning, like it's sustainable and right and gives me time and space to figure out what i want it to look like. i am just so so grateful for having a relationship that can envelop Both of us fully, the soft parts and the silly parts and the hard parts and the sad parts and the mushy gay parts and so on :' ) and at the end there is no one word to describe it cause it's just, Life, and that can be so so weird sometimes but it's never Wrong

Fleur if you're reading this i love you very very much, and i cannot wait to start truly living together in every small physical expression of it, without having to wait and guess and deal with all the uncertainty of it <3

#emotional abuse mention #trauma mention #like i said!! oversharing!!!! but it feels right somehow!!!

[farons-kokiri]

Bro, I need to know, what's the rundown on your reforged au? Cause it looks super cool and I wanna know all about it

thank u for asking wehdhehd 🥹 I'm glad you think it looks cool! I'm gonna try to summarize as best as I can !

For the most part it all centers around a character I made, his name is Non. He's a Hylian blacksmith and sorcerer, or properly, was- he died. Slain by a reincarnation of Link during one of the cycles in a BotW-like version of Hyrule. Though he isn't quite a villain or evil at his core.

In his life, he was promoted to castle blacksmith for his skill in the forge, but also his ability to enchant weapons and use magic. He was tasked with repairing the Master Sword but he had a secret project he was working on at the same time. He was reforging his own divine weapon, a sword with a spirit inside, the demon great sword that once belonged to Demise. Unfortunately, the sword spirit he tore reality to obtain never woke up during his lifetime, but in time he certainly did.

As a sword spirit, Ghirahim is naturally inclined to serve the person he's loyal to annnnd since he was completely reforged at the hands of a now long-dead blacksmith, clearly this meant he had some work to do to bring his master back to life. Resurrecting a divine requires another divine essence, but for a mortal? Yeah it didn't take half a century, a tornado, several fights with a resilient teen and travelling back in time to complete the resurrection.

To say dying humbled Non is an understatement, it did lethal damage to his body, mind and soul. Now that he was alive once more, in a semi-immortal form with magic gifted to him by the old gods that could destroy Hyrule, he spent the first few years of his existence in a stormy lagoon of his own self-hatred and regret. Literally. Just floating in an ever stormy, murky lagoon created by his own emotional and magical temperament.

After some much needed, but definitely more than necessary, self reflection and introspection, he started to mull over his nigh-immortality. He had worked his whole life only to die how he lived, alone and unwanted. Non decided he wanted to try to change, to make friends, allies, and to be (somehow, in his own way) happy. He created a master forge of his own in the abandoned depth of Hyrule and began searching for entities he could... Befriend.

Along the way, he plucks a certain defeated wind god from the binds of the dark realm, the spirit of a wandering Yiga blademaster in search of her blade, an usurper Twili king tricked by Ganon and besmirched by his people, an otherworldly volatile mask spirit, and a few others ! Mainly, this is as much Non's journey to reclaim who he was as much as it is the other's.

This was much longer than I thought it would be and I even cut it down 😓 wegdhhshdd it's ok I'd be happy to answer other asks too about this since idk how much content I'll be able to create and post

EDIT:

I forgot abt this but you can see Non's death scar in this comic, it's the little triforce mark !

#reforged au #legend of zelda #yeah 🧍 #plot summary for the people bc i want to make more content but i 🥲

[angelayag]

Bandaged Damage: An Introspection Behind the Anthology “Lockdown Litanies: Countless Untold Stories”

Oprah Winfrey says, “Turn your wounds into wisdom.”. As we travel through the walks of life, we may fall and get hurt. Life is taking its toll on us, causing damage to our mental state. However, putting this pain into words may serve as a bandage to help us heal. According to psychology, transforming one’s emotions into words has therapeutic effects on the brain. Furthermore, we can observe ourselves as we channel our emotions into literary works. In this paper, we delve deeper into this anthology to identify the author(s) and our own introspective stance as we align the insights from what the author is trying to imply and how we interpret it from our own perspective as we attempt to tie it to songs. 

While reading the first part of the anthology, "Dear Diary,", it somehow felt reminiscing as the author expressed being stuck inside, which could be a metaphor for what we experienced during the quarantine. The author appears to have undergone various events in life over the span of 2 years, which led to misfortunes. It is reflected in the poem that the author falls into a deep despondency. From what I’ve gathered towards the end, the author is now attempting to move forward and recover from these setbacks, as evident from the line "Until then, I’ll forego myself, move away and discover a world on my own." The first poem reminds me of Content, the first song from Bo Burnham's Netflix special "Inside." Similar to the themes I’ve mentioned, Bo discussed the glum he experienced and how he's trying to get back up again, as reflected in the line "And so today I'm gonna try just getting up, sitting down, going back to work, might not help, but still, it couldn't hurt". Both works set the tone for their respective mediums by introducing what to expect or feel while consuming both pieces.

Upon reading the second part of the anthology, "The Tale of a Modern Sisyphus'', the first half of the poem appears to have a resemblance to this year’s election. As the colors of the gown from the poem suggest, it could be a symbol for both leading presidential candidates. Similarly to the election results, the undeserving candidate was declared the winner. It is evident from the lines “Holy! Haven’t seen a woman who’s clearly a ten—let alone the judges; they chose a far less seven.". The second half of the poem seems to talk about the resiliency of Filipinos, as evident in the line "And so we witness a life of a modern Sisyphus not defined by her defeat, but of being gracious—Gracious to push the boulder up the mountain and start once again like nothing happened." and how we, as a group, can conquer the challenges along the way, as reflected in the line "To the human condition, we are not inherently alone. A burden is less felt when carried together yielding a boulder collectively on our shoulder.". The themes mentioned in this poem remind me of the song Di Matitinag by Calix featuring Blkd, such as the unfairness of the competition which is evident in this line "Pagkat lamang mo lang naman ay ang laman ng 'yong bulsa't ngalan", the Filipino adaptability mentioned in the line "Walang alam na sa kalam ng tyan ay lalong tumatapang ang alab ng puso ng masang lumalaban" and the overall teamwork needed in order to progress as seen in the line "Kapit kamay, ang pagbago magsisimula sa pagtutulungan". It seems like I got it all figured out, though I still can’t wrap my head around the last line of the poem, "Only to realize, are we not Sisyphus after all?". It makes me wonder if it’s because of the disappointing outcome of the election or just how we act as Filipinos that we don’t align with Sisyphus.

In the third part of the anthology, "O'Yayi", the narrator appears to be telling the story of this person named Yayi from his point of view. The narrator seems to love Yayi, as reflected by this line: “I picked her up. Married her. Eased her pain. She received all the comfort and luxury a woman could ever get from a loving husband.” it appears that the narrator did not fail as a partner. But she doesn’t reciprocate this love back despite everything he has done for her as she is still hung up on her old lover. If we are to look at it from the perspective of Yayi, her emotions are parallel to those in the song Glimpse of Us by Joji, as evident in the line “Why then, if she is so perfect, do I still wish that it was you?” Though the narrator of the anthology appears to have good qualities for a husband, he cannot compete with her longing for her past relationship, similar to what Joji is implying in his song by referring to his current partner in the third person and his ex in the second.

The fourth poem, titled “Two Red Laces on the Wonderwall”, appears to have sexual innuendo attached to it. The narrator seems to have been manipulated by the person they described in the poem but continues to engage in intimacy, as evident in the line “I fell in your words. You, vindictive. I did what you said and leaned forward” followed by the lines of metaphors about lovemaking.  The use of Two Red Laces in the line "Maybe you should get yourself tested" could have a connotation, as the Two Red Laces could be a metaphor for two red lines in a pregnancy test or being positive for some sort of sexually transmitted disease. But it may be just a farfetched theory that I have regarding the poem. Back to my main point, the overall theme of the poem reminds me of Melanie Martinez’s song Teacher’s Pet, as she describes the protagonist of the song engaging in some sexual activities despite feeling controlled by this “teacher” figure, as evident in the line “She's feeling like a spider in a cage. You liar, you were her desire”. 

Moving on to the fifth part of the anthology, "Umbilical," is a poem metaphor for childbirth told from the child's perspective. This poem reflects the difficulties of motherhood as they attempt to bring another human into this world. As the child sees the hardship on their mother's face, which is draining her life, they plead to save her, as repeatedly expressed in the line "Lilom, Lilom, I beg. Spare her for me." This poem reminds me of XXXTENTACION's song before I close my eyes, which has a similar theme of not letting go and asking for a chance to live, as evident in the line "Before I lay me down to sleep, I pray the Lord my soul to keep. I hope it's not too late for me".

The sixth part of the anthology, "RE:Paper", feels like an academic research paper transformed into a poem. I’ve discovered here that the K-12 system isn’t even fully curated, but it was insisted upon to be part of the curriculum. It is reflected that students struggle with their studies as they rank below the list of various bodies of knowledge. This poem has addressed the issue in our educational system in the hopes that it will open someone's eyes to the situation that we are in. This poem emphasizes the importance of teachers in shaping the excellence of students, as evident in the line "If we keep on insisting quality education for students, why not allow teachers access quality to their extent? Help teachers help students." We’re All In This Together, a song from High School Musical, comes to mind as I explore the themes of this poem. Reflected from the song lyrics: "We're all in this together. When we reach, we can fly; know inside, we can make it" shows that everything is possible as long as everyone cooperates to achieve a common goal, such as obtaining a quality education. 

Moving on to the seventh part of the anthology, “3 A.M. Awakening”, the poem seems to revolve around Harper as they try to contain themselves. Harper appears to face judgments from others, which is reflected in the poem. As Harper tries to calm down, they count up to ten with each line representing gloominess. This poem reminds me of Mars Argo’s Angry as she describes her pent-up anger, similar to the theme of the poem. The tune of the song towards the end is chaotic just like the counting part of the poem, but in the end, music stops as Mars acapelled the line "Fuck it, I don't feel okay but tomorrow's going to be another day" on which warmth and calmness were felt towards the finale, parallel to the closing line of the poem "Ten— THUD. (Finally, peace will be on its way.)". 

The eighth part of the anthology, "My Frail Lady", mentions metaphors about suicide in such a romanticized way that compliments the source material of the poem "The Most Beautiful Suicide." The connotation of this poem reminded me of the song Arms Tonite by Mother Mother, in which the phenomenon of suicide was conveyed in an upbeat tune. Both have expressed a dark topic such as suicide in a captivating way. It seems like some of the lines from the poem are parallel to the song. One of the lines in the poem "Her suffocating words whispered out of relief tightness ‘round her throat." implies the person was free from her misery as she falls at the brink of her death, which is similarly described in the song lyrics "I died in your arms tonight. I slipped through into the afterlife. It was nice". Both perfectly encapsulate the theme of suicide in a manner that some people have felt going through with it. 

Upon reading the last part of the anthology, the poem has an unusual aspect to it, such as the placement of the first and second verse, which are cleverly written. The poem appears to be inspired by tarot reading, and the narrator seems to be the tarot reader. As a result of this poem, I now understand how tarot reading works. The narrator draws six cards at random, each representing a different personality and future prediction. The poem ends with the line "And so you went in wonder and surprise, for you have seen what lies ahead, through your palm into my eyes." as it concludes the tarot reading, parallel to the song lyrics from Song of the Witch by S.J. Tucker, "Backed with a drop of the future to hand; it's when we are human that you must take care, but wonders will come to you, darling, if only you dare!". It is clear from both lines that we have the freedom to explore as we take note of what the future holds.

Reading all the literary works from this anthology feels like a rollercoaster ride. I read masterpiece after masterpiece. It was all beautifully put together. It goes so deep into every topic discussed that I may just scratch the surface level of each part in regards to my interpretation. Reverting back to the quote I’ve mentioned from the beginning, it was indeed turning wounds into wisdom that can truly appreciate the art of our own struggles. I thought I was the one getting to know the author(s) behind the literary works but it turns out I’m just making an introspection about myself. Every interpretation that I have may have just been pertaining to me as I try to relate it to the nearest song I know. The complexity of this anthology has left me wondering as I look at it through the lens of self-actualization. From this anthology, various human experiences were discussed to teach us a lesson or imply that we are not alone, as some of them hit close to home, causing such damage, but as I tried to piece it all together, it left an impact as I was bondage from the pain of my misery. 

Link of the anthology: https://drive.google.com/file/d/1qCTIOjeAeI06_aZ4spcwT6PxOAaCdr9M/view

[haarute]

sorry that this is late but for that long list of ask me things #4

4: What do you think about most?

okay this will be a lot

i don't have a particular thing i think about throughout the day as i usually get distracted by whatever i come across with work, hobbies, social media, etc. so what i think about the most would have to be a recurring thought in the long-term, which for me, is almost daily constant introspection.

without getting into too many details let's say i hit a major depressive episode i never fully recovered from at age 15 and just kinda shut down. i ran away from the things that hurt me (which historically is a recurring bad habit of mine), leaving people close to me behind when i shouldn't have because i wanted to be alone.

but since humans are social creatures, after a while i tried to meet new people and get along with them, but in retrospect those relationships were shallow and desperate. it's incredibly easy to just say nice things to people who need to hear them until they like you, but you're not actually forming a connection because you're not a real person, and often times, neither is the other party. you're just leeching off of each other with the illusion of kindness.

eventually that led to a another episode followed by the thought that i kept hurting people by not being able to keep my emotions in check and just acting out of selfish impulses. so i decided to completely dedicate myself to "improving" my person so that i wouldn't have to hurt anyone again.

i'm a few weeks away from being 27 now, and i've spent almost 10 years essentially running therapy sessions with myself every day. going over all of my life events, my feelings, my actions, and how to best minimize the amount of "damage" i inflict on others which has mostly led me to a hermit lifestyle. but let's be honest, that's also partially an excuse because i'm afraid of getting hurt again.

now the problem with that mentality is obviously thinking that suppressing my ego is somehow a good thing and not an incredibly damaging thing to do not only for me but for anyone that might care about me, which is not something i have any control over.

this is a mentality that i am just finally starting to grow out of almost a decade later, but it's really hard and i still default to seeing myself and any of my wants or needs (or even other people's) as something inherently bad. desire as something inherently selfish. and we could tie a plethora of gender issues imparted onto me by my upbringing and immediate family into this, but let's not go there today.

ultimately the place where i land now is one where i'm realizing how much of my life has been lost already, and how much of my decisions have been super damaging for literally everyone involved. which to my surprise, and even if i try to be as alone as possible, goes beyond only me.

so now i'm starting to actually allow myself to express my true feelings a bit more. i try to be a bit more outspoken and reach out to others and maybe even make friends, except this time i'm like a real normal person and not someone running simulations in order to be liked. fun fact, i believe i may be autistic and would like to get a diagnosis sometime this year.

however, circling back to the original question (because there was a question at the beginning of this), i have done this for so long that it's almost impossible for me to stop the way my brain works now. i think i've forever been rewired into analyzing everything and trying to problem solve my humanity, which is something that is unquantifiable. but i am always trying, if anything, to be a better person, except now i can tell that i shouldn't suppress my own self for that goal. but it is very much a daily process for me.

in a different life, i probably would have been a buddhist monk.

#only click read more if you want to read long personal stuff #thanks for asking!

[paradife-loft]

nearly 12k words and this fic is still not done. what have I done to deserve this.

*beats head slowly against the table*

#there's barely even a plot they just won't shut UP ;_____; #stop being excessively polite and having emotional damage and just FUCK ALREADY #content is for other people #I vacillate wildly btw being rly pleased w myself and thinking this is utter pointless trash it's gr8 #....possibly I should. spend more time looking at the fic that I (& lots of others!) think is good and actually noticing how much is just #dialogue & introspection & a little bit of plot context to make it all hurt #bc that's like... the main thing I'm insecure about tbh #just imagining people reading through and going 'wow this is dumb can something actually HAPPEN' bc obviously that's SO common among readers #but now I'm just whining tbh and should get back to writing #(seeking pity after doing all these things is just the kind of person I am /shrug)

[heyitsdoe]

Okay, so, I'm working on a little something (not sure if I ever get to truly commit to it, though), but it has to do with the protagonist being undercover within a pirate crew. Now my question; how would Kid, Katakuri and Marco react if their s/o turned out to be a member of the marines/world government? It's up to you if it was all a game for the s/o or if love changed her mind. >:3c

Let's see...here's how I think that would go!

WARNINGS: None/Angst? G/N Reader

Marco The Phoenix

Out of the three mentioned, Marco may be the most willing to forgive the fact that you lied to him throughout the relationship with him.

He won't do it quickly, and there will certainly forever be a small amount of distrust between you, but he has invested a lot into a relationship with you after all this time and hates to see it all be ruined.

If you truly do love him (like he wants to believe) and it isn't for the sake of your mission, then he will try giving you another chance. Don't think for a second you won't have to earn that chance, though. You're on a fine line, and you both know it.

Marco suggests reeling back a lot of progress that the two of you had made in the original relationship to begin with. You're essentially starting from the ground up. After all, how well does he actually know you?

And boy, do you cause a lot of doubt in Marco. He'll feel partially responsible for all this mess, simply because he didn't see your dishonesty coming the moment you joined the crew. You could have done all sorts of damage to his family of pirates, and he's appalled to find out he was such a bad judge of character.

There's a lot of self introspection once your secret comes out, which might cause him some grief.

Eustass Kid

Really? You're honestly trying to justify yourself to him, after he finds out you've been lying to him for the entire span of your relationship together? Sweetheart, that's not how this works...and Kid is keen on showing you that.

You can beg. You can plead. Hell, you can bring him forth all the evidence in existence that you've turned to his side, he will not listen. The fact that the only reason you are in his crew to begin with was originally to deceive him...that's all the proof he needs that he can never trust you again.

Figures that if you turned sides once (from the WG to his side) there's no guarantee you won't do it again, this time not in his favor.

Realistically, there's a good chance Kid will outright kill you when he finds out you're an undercover agent. Doesn't matter if you say you love him and mean it, he has ZERO trust in you now. There's no recovering anything of what you two had.

He'll let himself grieve the relationship lost later. The fact that he could have come so close to losing a member of his crew or the ability to pursue his goal of Pirate King shakes him a bit. He's angry more than anything, which is why he'd be the most violent one of the bunch in reaction.

He will refuse to even speak your name. The rest of the crew is forbidden from bringing you up either. He'll punch them in the face if they even try.

Charlotte Katakuri

Katakuri had certainly hoped that his worst fears wouldn't prove to be correct, but with any relationship that he pursues, he remains cautiously optimistic. Always holding a small part of his heart to himself, just in case things did turn out this way.

Why would you even do this to the precious donut king? He already has enough self-esteem issues, but finding out everything he knew about you was a fabrication to put you in a position to infiltrate his family? Absolutely crushing.

Will you see any of that happen? No. The moment the truth comes out, he cuts you off from any emotional response he might express. Just as before, his true emotions are under a tight leash, and suddenly someone he thought a friend is now an enemy.

There is no hope for the relationship to continue. Katakuri can't risk further emotional pain from you, nor the chance that you are still being dishonest and will one day harm someone in his family. He just...can't. Another failure on his part would push him over the edge.

He knows he should kill you. It's what a good Charlotte son would do, remove threats that may harm his family in the future. But he can't just ignore the heartbreak that is crippling him internally. So there is a possibility he will let you go. He won't assist your escape from Totto Land, but he won't try to stop you either.

Your actions will cause further damage to his state of mind. Please do not cause the mochi man pain...

#Marco the phoenix #marco #kid #eustass kid #katakuri #Charlotte katakuri #opfanart #one piece x reader #one piece hcs #jester-junk #request #ask #askbox #Marco x reader #Katakuri x reader #kid x reader

[phoenixduelist]

Which unpopular archetype are you?

the killer

you got fucked up something awful. sorry. i dont know why or when it got so bad for you, but now that heat feels so true to you that it’s hard to imagine a you without it. there’s nothing grand about the damage you do. it isn’t the kind that people write stories about. for this reason, it’ll be a while before anyone stops you, if they ever come around to it. it’s all the more likely that you’ll have to dig your own way out of this pit. one day you won’t even remember how blood tasted. the rage won’t keep you warm forever, killer!

personality: intense, introspective, edgy counterpart: the dark horse

Tagging @ashortdropandasuddenstop because I'm curious👀

(Thoughts: accurate. Painfully so. But when someone has to live with the people who beheaded her father after fighting for the country's and people's freedom, then flaunted around Europe as entertainment & a 'look we are merciful! She's alive and can do what she likes!' political excuse THEN tortured for 2 weeks starting by taking away the ability to fence, the passion which kept her sane...I'm not surprised the way she turned out. She's vicious. She's cruel. She is willing to do almost anything to get her revenge even if it is the last thing she does in her life. And she is in peace with that. However, she is still capable of positive emotions, forming bonds. She's not downright evil to the core, but chose this path in response to the trauma.)

#🩸 personality 🗡 | before the fall; even the devil was an angel