#I’ve always been the dad friend

[heartsofminds]

being 21 is one of the most humbling ages ever like it’s always SOMETHING! literally always fucking SOMETHING!!! 🤩🤭

#this tag is legit just me complaining so ignore it lol #but my shitty brother having a shitty gf and always disrespecting my boundaries about her always being over at our apartment #her not liking me or his friends that are also my friends is the biggest red flag if I’ve ever seen one #and her causing drama with my parents and them putting me in the middle between them and my sibling #not to mention they’ve all been so mean to me lately! #also my dad’s side of the fam has been showing their true colors with me suddenly being an 'adult' but yet still too naive to know anything #and my friends using me for ranting and nothing else! 🤩 #and the guy I liked not even having the decency to tell me he’s not into me and just leaving me on seen #like what is up with people just being mean and rude??? #my heart is literally breaking and being tap danced on and no one seems to care #I’m being a huge baby about it but i have feelings too #literally need to curl up into a ball with a heated blanket and cozy pjs and a bradley there to snuggle me and put all his weight on me #but alas! i’ll have to settle for a shitty throw blanket and my pjs ripping apart at the seams #god I just love it here!!! (obvious sarcasm if you can’t tell from the nature of this post)

[binders-and-beanies]

Doin bad again folx

#might delete later I’m just wide awake and miserable #summer bill came out today and it’s $7100 not including housing which will be $2400 #literally dunno how im gonna pay for that and my dad is. adding to the emotional turmoil of it all #not able to get a loan at least not before the bill is due #able to get aid luckily but again who knows when or how much #my bday is tomorrow and for months I’ve been like please just let my bday be a good day i need one #i need some hope. not that I haven’t had good experiences lately bc I have. but nothing that lasts #nothing i get to feel good about for more than a day before a new problem drops #I need to enjoy my birthday without feeling this deep dark dread and fear and fucking guilt and hopelessness #I have fun plans for today And tomorrow and I’m grateful but honestly stressed about that too #bc it’s gonna be a lot + bc of all I need to do outside of that #+ I don’t get to spend my bday w friends the way I want like I have one friend Maybe coming w me #my bday is supposed to feel celebratory and instead it feels like absolutely forcing some illusion of choice or joy in my life #on top of it all. the most peaceful I usually ever feel is in bed w my partner and now my body won’t even let me hold or be held by them #currently laying next to them not touching them so I at least don’t keep them up w how physically miserable I am rn #I’m literally always physically miserable at this point and it feels like spring is never gonna come and provide any relief #but it’s like can I at least be cozy w them. nope instead I’m wide awake facing various horrors #despite being permanently exhausted and falling asleep in class after 40 ounces of coffee #Im just. so fucking unhappy in life rn dude I don’t want life to be like this forever with the constant threat of it getting much worse #fucking shred of joy in this godforsaken world: the sleep noises they r making rn #mine #txt #vent post #suicidal ideation tw #<- cry for help

[silvercaptain24]

Growing up is weird

#silver rambles #vent #that post about the ‘how you knew someone else came from money’ is just. sticking with me #mostly cause as a kid I didn’t realize how bad off we were #like. I didn’t realize we got groceries from the food bank run by the church my dad worked at until I was a teen #it just. affected me subtly I guess #being worried about a $2 difference in shoes when I needed new ones because I liked the more expensive ones #and my mom having to convince me that it was fine #it still sticks with me #it’s really hard sometimes to not think about cost if my dad and I go get lunch or something #I’ve never been to another country #meanwhile my friends would go to Rome and Sweden and India and Greece and Mexico for their 12 year old trips #I stayed in the same state for the one with my mom and only went a state over for the one with my dad #but like #yeah. I always sorta knew #I just. couldn’t have told you that I knew #all the little things you didn’t know growing up #I didn’t know about the groceries thing until yeah. I was…16-17 I think #and now we’re much better off and I have my own job (technically two) but like… #hhh. #why is my brain fixating on this? idk #sorry #needed the thoughts out

[figuerockfaeth]

I NEED TO MOVE OUT NOOWWWWWWW

#i woke up at 3 pm bc this was my 1st day ‘off’ in forever #and when i went to grab something to eat our back door was fully open and my car was nowhere to be found #cat* #so i freaked out and started looking outside but when i realized she wasn’t there and my roommate also wasn’t recently outside #i knocked on her bedroom door and she was like ‘oh sorry i was asleep do you want me to help look’ #YES i want you to help look what are you talking about #eventually i found her bc my cat is the best girl in the world and never left our yard- she was in the crawl space under the house #but not only am i pissed she let my car out then took a nap #but we don’t live in the safest city in the world and while we were both sleeping our door was fully 90 degrees open #so now not only do i feel like kevin (cat) isn’t safe here but I don’t feel safe sleeping here anymore #the lease is up in july and i finally get to leave #this girl is a random roommate my former roommate found to replace her #and the whole process/experience has been awful #i just have to survive 4 months #during the summer i might keep paying rent but fully leave and go live with family #bc my school isn’t in driving distance of any of my family #now i’m thinking about asking someone if they’ll take kevin for a couple months bc im so sorry about her #but my dad has a dog that doesn’t love cats and my best friend is allergic and my mom lives in another state #personal #delete later #also this is unrelated BUT every weekend without fail she does laundry at an insane time in the morning #and our washing machine is the loudest washing machine i’ve EVER heard #and of course it’s right against the wall of my room #not hers #i only get two days a week to sleep past 630 am and she almost always ruins it

[just-rogi]

.

#like I’m sorry #I love my best friend so so so much and she’s perfect and kind and has gone above and beyond to be rational and to be there for me #and I get it she’s an autistic woman and has faced adversity and has had to go on medical leave and that’s hard #and I’m not being dismissive of her struggles #but it makes me so angry because her parents unconditionally love her and her siblings and have always made her feel that way #and has never worried about money as a kid #and yeah her relationship with her parents isn’t perfect of course #but she literally cannot understand domestic violence beyond just reading about it in a book #like she did everything she can to understand and relate #but sometimes I want to scream because I feel so alone #because no one in my life fucking understands why I’m the way I am #and I’ve been struggling the past two months really badly with coping #I’ve had to go to the doctor to ask about PTSD and not like the tik tok OWO kind #but the I was in a car crash as a kid with my dad as a drunk driver and I keep getting flashbacks in my daily life to being a small child #that are impacting by daily life and interactions #and like I feel so fucking alone #and to hear from my friends ‘your right this is horrible and toxic but lots of people go through this’ ISNT FUCKING HELPING #I don’t want to hear that it’s normal I want to feel fucking safe in my bedroom without my mother blowing up my phone or calling the cops #I am unwell and I’m so stressed and I’m so sick and I can’t cope with this and none of the therapists I’ve tried to find handle ptsd #especially not therapists of color #I’m angry and I’ve been getting worse over the past two months #and not that it matters but due to ^^^ reasons my birthday has always been insanely fucking bad for me #like depression watch bad. when I turned twenty I was vividly hallucinating while walking around campus for a week straight having #flashbacks in class and I had to be taken out of the auditorium because I was physically unwell and couldn’t stop crying and shaking #and I told my friend I didn’t want to celebrate I just wanted to sit on her couch and not be alone and she fucking ditched me #because an emergency with a different friend came up the night before #like I have a history of suicidal ideation traumatic flashbacks eating disorders and self harm and I’m asking you to be with me on a very #upsetting day and you call me the night before telling me we have to cancel because another friend is having a bigger crisis #and like you don’t even feel a little bad about it?? #I’m just upset and scared and I’ve got a doctors appointment tomorrow and I’m not in reality right now and that’s scary

[sombreset]

.(slight abuse mention/personal stuff)

#after almost 30 years. I’m finally recovering #I’ve lived almost all of my life in fear of someone #whether that be my dad or a partner or a friend there’s always been someone #I’ve constantly been paranoid about where I go who I talk to what I’m saying #I’ve been physically emotionally mentally manipulatively abused by people over and over and #I clearly said ‘this is ok’ because it kept happening. sticking up for myself never felt worth it when #the paranoia and fear was right there to tell me it was better to stay quiet than risk more panic attacks more stress more hiding #I said ‘this is ok’ for years. because it kept happening and I didn’t realize it doesn’t Have to. #I can have friends. #I can have partners. #I can breathe and I can do this #there’s going to probably be long lasting impacts of me living this way for. #years. 5? 10? probably #but I’m so happy. #I’ve been told I’m loved by the people who love me #and I can’t wait until two weeks from now when I can just be. #hugged and held and told that I’m being good to myself for once #I’m love my friends and I can do this!!!! #i love my friends!!!!!! #and they love me!! #and things are so good #and I feel so understood #I can’t wait!!!!

[sampilled]

When she reposts videos about how no one is there for her but she leaves you on read constantly >>>>

People aren’t there for you because you are a bad friend!!!! who doesn’t put effort into your relationships!!!

She also constantly reposts fatspo and thinspo and I need to unfollow her and block but we’ve been friends since we were 14/15 so I can’t but it hurts tbh :(

#like she messages me to complain about her and boyfriend broke up but ghosted me for 2 weeks after I told her my dad tried to kill himself #and like I know she’s got problems so I’ve always been really forgiving but I’m so over it #this last time I told myself would the last time #I’m only putting in what she does and if she ever decides that she actually wants to stop being self centred and put work into her friend #ships then I’ll be here for her #but till then I’m over it #personal #tw ed

[yellobb]

Oh to be able to do a good southern accent…

#m rambles #I’m from the SOUTH #I should be able to do a SOUTHERN ACCENT #my dad was literally born and raised in Baton Rouge Louisiana #my entire dad’s side still lives in Louisiana #I’ve always lived in small town Virginia #my best friend’s entire family is from Alabama #so why can’t I do a southern accent?!?! #I’ve been scammed y’all #I don’t even know what it sounds like when I try I just know that it’s Not Good #side note: tried to say Baz’s name in my best southern accent and it’s making me cry laughing

[yay-depression]

the repressed neurodivergent experience of thinking “no one will ever love me with all of my neurodivergency the way i love them with their neurotypical-ness.”

#me my whole life: got made fun of for exhibiting ND traits among other stuff #me in middle school: well if i simply pretend i am neurotypical people will stop disliking me for being ND #spoiler alert: i was not very good at faking neurotypical-ness #me now: very very good at faking being neurotypical to the point that i am perceived as having very few distinguishable traits #my family my entire life: you are weird (aka neurodivergent) stop being weird #my family my entire life: if i simply do the thing that my child hates maybe they will grow out of hating it #another spoiler alert: no the FUCK i did not #tldr my entire life i’ve essentially suppressed most of myself to make the people i love comfortable bc that’s what they wanted from me #and in response they routinely ignore some of my most important boundaries and still try to act like they’re helping me #my therapist keeps telling me that one day i’ll get a family even if it’s found family #because sometimes found family is the best kind of family #but no one i’ve met is willing to actually put up with who i am as a person and not abandon me #every non-familial person in my life anytime i’ve shared deeply personal things with them: nope no thank you goodbye #and the deeply personal things were always just like ‘i’m actually pretty insecure in friendships and i feel deeply lonely’ #it wasn’t even traumadumping bc they always seemed fine with that!! bonding over shared trauma was like a group activity #and then anytime i was like ‘hey could i maybe get some validate that y’all don’t hate me?’ everyone would be like #no. why would you need that we never said we hated you stop being over dramatic #my dad pulled that last one all the time!! except he added the ‘how could you even think i hate you when i’ve been nothing but good to you!’ #come to think of it my friends did a lot of that too actually #anyways i have a core belief that i’m actually just unloveable and people just tolerate me and it’s been confirmed repeatedly

[waugh-bao]

*

#the older I get the more I’m floored by Charlie’s ability to do his job as he did while having a migraine issue #I have a congenital migraine disorder #and even though I haven’t had an attack in a while #when I took a train down to [redacted big city] to visit one of my best friends on Monday #I woke up a 1 am Tuesday morning thinking I’d had a stroke or something #because an entire side of my face wouldn’t move #then about 30 seconds later the burning pain and nausea came and I knew exactly what it was #which is how I spent the next 8 hour passed out on her bethroom and bedroom floor as every pain med we tried did nothing (my prescription #migraine meds stopped working about 4 months ago) #and then I. a 23 year old woman. had to call my mom at her work and ask her to send my dad the 3.5 hour drive to pick me up #I’ve been in bed ever since we got home #so the fact that he was not only able to work through that. but to never miss a show when he was the one playing a percussion instrument #and always sitting next to Keith’s (the loudest player’s) amps #is insane to me #no wonder Keith mentioned it in Life #it’s just entirely another level of dedication

[cr0wc0rpse]

Today has been. A lot. We had to take one of our cats, tooter, to an urgent vet. He was getting worse for the past almost week. They did vitals and other tests. It’s really bad. Nothing we can do will help enough. He’ll make it only a few more days. We’ve decided to have him put to sleep tomorrow. I don’t know how to feel or act

#he’s my younger brother’s cat. I don’t know how he’s feeling. he’s been out w friends all day #my parents came home early from their vacation #we’re all just going to spend time with tooter #this just. sucks. a lot #I’ve choked up a few times but haven’t cried #my mom has been a mess. my dad is struggling. again I don’t know how my brother is holding up #I don’t really know what to do #he keeps moving around to lay down in different spots. not near us. we still pet him. he doesn’t like it much though #it hurts to see him like this. not eating and barely drinking and always laying down and wobbling when he moves #I don’t know what to do or how to feel or how to act #dead text

[justinefrischmanngf]

this is exactly what i moved here for and it’s a good thing like 98% of the time but oh my god i’m literally all alone in this city……….

#my manager was talking about how he and his bestie and their friend are going to their friend’s in laws’ for eid tonight #and my manager was saying that that friend of theirs doesnt have any family in this city (and tbf idt my manager does either??) and so him a #and his bestie are always there for whenever he needs them #and idk it just hit me how enormously alone i am here #i’m not even religious so idk why eid was the thing like of all the times ppl have mentioned their friends #i need to get out of bed and do my laundry and i have a msg from my dad i havent opened so i shld reply to thaf #esp if i’m feeling like this but idk. it’s the first time i’ve rly felt like . struck by it in a way that has been bad #like i’ve missed people and i’ve been struck by the fact that i’m alone #but never in a negative way or a like . idk . oh i wish i had people way #but idk maybe i do wish that a little bit rn……….. #i think . idk i think a lot of things and it’s not the time for self analysis on tumblr #being in a place where i am alone was and is important to me rn and i think good for me #but i don’t have anyone in this city who i can put down as my emergency contact for anything and so it’s still my mum even for things she #doesn’t know i’m doing #and that’s very very weird #idk why i’m so emosh i’ll probably see my family at the end of this month for this family event and i’ll want 2 be free of them all #IDK MAN ITS JUST A LOT!!!! idw do my laundry

[delta-piscium]

I put it in my tags but your steddie walking ficlet is what made me realize my best friend does the same thing to me I just thought he liked walking a lot

this is absolutely delightful to me, thank you so much for letting me know and I hope I didn’t ruin it by making you realize that

I wrote that because I tell myself I don’t need to go on walks and I absolutely do or I will loose my mind a bit

then like once a week I’ll go on a long walk and be like “oh wow I feel great, rejuvenated, whatever could it be?” and the cycle repeats and I’m so tired, I need someone to take one for the team and take me on walks, I’m about to start chewing on the furniture

anyways your best friend seems great, truly what a guy

#hey hey I am jealous do you wanna share your best friend? I promise I’m a kind person #no but actually the snort I let out at your tags- I knew that because people have done that to me and I miss it #whenever I visit home my dad will be there hovering over me like ‘been outside today? seen the outside? you gotta leave the house’ #and I’ve always been annoyed but like man he is right #I gotta leave the house #I’ll call my parents and be like ‘I went on a 1h walk today are you proud?’ at my age of 24 and living by myself and all #and like actually they’ll be like ‘yeah wow that’s great super 👍’ #your best friend is a real one but also yeah I’ve had that of ‘I thought you just really liked walks’ and they’re like ‘…sure…’ as they #watch you abandon your fourth project in ten minutes #ask #peenor

[cinewhore]

Having to remind yourself that nothing is personal until it is = a true skill

#the people who i thought would send a message to wish me a happy graduation didn’t #like my own dad did not call or text lmao #and i always get in my head like did i do this? do they not care for me anymore? #and it’s such a bad place to because you make up scenarios that just aren’t true #i get stuck between ‘i shouldn’t be mad because people have their own lives’ #and ‘however if you were important to them then time could’ve been taken out of their day to day something’ #two things can be true #i always question myself too like when do i get to draw that line between the two? #idk but I’ve been surrounded by family and friends today which is all that matters #my brother called and he even cried on FaceTime telling me how proud of me he was #we don’t speak often so knowing he’s watching just makes me happy #nothing is personal until it is

[lilgynt]

gonna start crying bc my day off yesterday was taken up all by my dad and todays shaping up to be the same

#personal #i was helping my mom at like 2:30 with my dad and then he’s like hey #go sleep in the living room for packages for ur dad #it wasn’t even 8 yet #and i’m just sick of it i just want a day off #i just want to sleep in my own bed i just want to relax in my room #i’ve had no time off save sleeping at my friends house since i got off work TWO FUCKING DAYS AGO #and i know my moms dealing with it even worse #although is she. she did leave me with dad for like two plus hours just to come and be like keep watching so i can clean without asking me #at all #and it’s just waiting for some packages but it’s always fucking something #i just want to sleep in my own bed. im in so much pain and i just want time to myself live i’ve been promised for months #it just keeps getting worse and it’s never gonna get better #and my mom keeps complaining and it’s like you made this choice for all of us #i get it it’s probably the best choice for dad but for fucks sake this is literally fucking killing us #i know this hasn’t been healthy but this shit is literally ruining my health and no one can do anything but say it’s gonna get better

[camscendants]

Had a meltdown :/

#I think a might have a bit of autism #I’ve been diagnosed with adhd #I really think these are meltdowns #horrible #I’m exhausted from it #happens like every month or so #things start building up and then Boom #the worst ones like this one are around people #especially since no one knows how to help my brother told me to stop being a baby and to calm down #they always boil it down to me being overly dramatic about what the final straw was ‘it’s just a show’ cause the thing that put me over the #edge was finding out I was gonna miss the premiere for toh #like I scream and cry kick and hit things throw things pull my hair and hit my head #and idk if it’s not a meltdown then I’m just stupid and throw stupid baby tantrums #I think all my friends hate me my dad and brother keep going out to get food without me Halloween costume issues I’m losing things and #things are breaking so many stupid little things just built up to be too much and toh just toppled it all #I’m sad and tired #bye gonna go cry myself to sleep go to school then work #:(