#I’m just so tired of grieving

[zadzunny]

I don’t think any words can describe the amount of grief rage and exhaustion I’m feeling after the sh00ting in tx

#I’m just so tired of grieving #I refuse to become numb #I’ve cried off and on since the first news came out #it’s truly hopeless feeling when you can already see government officials brushing this off already #the bodies are not even cold yet and they want us to move on #I refuse to move on I refuse to be numb I refuse not taking action

[applespider]

Ok so watched Quackity’s vod from today. It was a punch to the gut. About ten different times. “Orita no. Orita no.” “I need you to leave. I need you to leave this general area. Please.” Him going to Slimecicle’s base with TNT and leaving without placing a single one. He fell asleep inside Tilìn’s grave, curled up next to their dead body. God. Slimecicle was righteous anger. This just hurt. “Y te lo dejaste. Y te lo dejaste.” He just bulldozes through any suggestion that Tilìn is dead, then as soon as it sinks in. Just. It’s like every bit of life left him. He doesn’t even have the energy for revenge. Just total calm. Everything’s shut down. Fuck. That made me cry. Not just tear up. That made me cry.

#qsmp #and Roier is so lovely #he’s just calmly explaining over and over to Quackity what happened #that Tilìn is gone #and him telling all the children to come along and leave Quackity to grieve #and Bobby leaving him a flower #Roier and Jaiden are the MVPs of this server #fuck #Slimecicle bursting and a Quackity shutting down #and now I’m thinking of Slimecicle’s quiet “fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck” at the end of his stream #I’m way to tired for this shit imma start crying again #God.

[barkbrained]

You have to think things will get better, otherwise what is the point!!! You have to hold out hope that things will get better and then maybe one day things will feel safe and be cool and everything will be fine (at least as fine as it can be)

#misc #rbs okay #I’m just so tired of the state of the world and I’m so tired of feeling unsafe every day #so tired of being tired. I have to hope my body will heal and I will feel better but it’s so hard #change has to come at some point and I have to hope I can make it to that point #I’m having a terrible time coping with the pain and fatigue and mental strain covid has left me with #I want to feel okay again so badly #all I want in the world is to make art and experience art and music and movies and live a little life with my partner in some place nice #I’m scared I’ll never feel okay enough to have that and I’m scared the world won’t ever feel safe enough again to have that #I just keep telling myself something has to change and trying to believe it so hard #if I make it through this pandemic with any semblance of health and stability I will be happy #I don’t even want to think about how much trauma the pandemic has given me and will continue to give me #I grieve everyday for the world that could’ve been and the person I will never get the chance to be because of this pandemic #my health anxiety has skyrocketed in the past four years and just keeps getting worse #I can’t hear people coughing or sneezing or sniffling without panicking for a few seconds every time #I already had emetophobia before 2020 but now I have the same panicked feeling from anyone exhibiting any signs of illness #it’s exhausting T-T everything is exhausting #sorry for vent-ish post on main ik it’s not very professional but whatever this is my blog #covid tw

[ace-no-isha]

feeling deeply unlovable and then remembering that luffy could love you no matter how horribly damaged you are is a lot of emotions

#mixed emotions of how comforting luffy is as a person and grieving that it’s not possible irl #but also not having limitless mental strength for your loved ones is normal luffy is a fantasy character for a reason #and it’s not just cus he’s a rubber man #just a little heartbroken nothing new #this is so bpd of me lol #i can say that now with my chest cus it’s going into my chart #but yeah no. i’m clinging to this piece of comfort idc it’s been an awful week and i’m so tired #and luffy’s warmth is the only thing i want to come home to right now #my sunrise #he makes me believe in living #just straight up living and staying alive #and lord knows some days it’s hard #luffy is a miracle #cus genuinely when there’s nothing left luffy will still be here #luffy i miss you #vent blog #close ur eyes lol this is so normal of me

[singlethread]

I need to go into the ocean and scream underwater for several hours

#I’m not okay and this is not 911 related #I’m just so fucking exhausted and tired of constantly grieving this year

[novelconcepts]

I think I'm in shock about Paper Girls. Like I feel like I'm gonna throw up.

Same. There are so many layers to how I feel about it. Furious, to start. It was SO well-received, by critics and fans alike; the problem was marketing. The Twitter tag is full of people who didn’t even realize it was a show until it was cancelled. Hell, I didn’t know it was happening until a trailer hit my dash by chance like a month before it dropped. Apart from the SDCC panel (which, let’s be honest, I’m the right kind of nerd to have noticed, but lots of viewers wouldn’t have known about), it got very little promotion. Which like. Bro. It’s been out less than 50 days. Fifty days to give a first season before you take it out back and shoot it? That’s madness. I said it in my other post, and I’ll say it again: giving a show 3 weeks to hit (and having sky-high perimeters for what “counts”) is a one-way ticket to killing art. It gives no time for growth, for it to find its audience. It kills me how little streaming cares for shows.

Then there’s just the devastation of having this gorgeous, character-driven show with Chinese, Black, Jewish lesbian, and masc lesbian rep, and KNOWING they had a plan. There was so much love in every frame. These girls knew their characters backwards and forwards. They were so lived-in, so authentic. And the fact that Amazon couldn’t bother giving them even just two seasons (which I do believe would have been enough to get the whole story out, if they knew they had only that)? After a competitive bidding war to get the rights in the first place?? Fuck that noise.

Genuinely, I am on my knees for Legendary to successfully sell it to another distributor. It’s a good sign that they instantly got the rights back and announced they were shopping it, but they shouldn’t have had to. If you option the rights to a pre-existing IP, you ought to believe in it enough to let it run a minimum of two seasons. This show is a fucking gem. It’s beloved. It’s just that it got drowned by lack of marketing, another “similar audience” show dropping immediately after (and don’t get me started on how it feels like they pit a historical queer sports show against a coming of age time travel show—two completely different genres that shouldn’t HAVE to compete), and Amazon giving all their money and attention to their New Big Thing. It deserves so much better. I’m so. So upset about this.

#ask #paper girls #and then to watch the four leads—who again are STUNNING in these roles #have to navigate the loss of this thing they loved making while STARTING SCHOOL and trying to be polite on social media about it #is gutting. this whole thing is gutting. #I’m loosely hopeful apple or someone will see the promise and pick it up but like. again. they shouldn’t have to #just. woof. on the one hand it feels silly to grieve a show so hard #but on the other it’s indicative of SO many problems with streaming #not least of which is the idea that female led narratives (especially queer and POC ones) are worth less than anything with dudes #it’s killing me. there’s no way to win. these stories deserve to be backed and told and loved #and streamers time and time again are telling us that isn’t true #so yeah. I’m sick and tired and angry and so fucking sad #and I hope Vaughan and Chiang are able to get it off the ground quickly with another distributer #because I don’t want another version. I don’t want a reboot. i want this show to get its due. #I want these girls back in the roles they are so perfect for #and I’m so bitter that it came to this. and so fucking fast.

[transphilza]

i’m just now realizing how much of my comfort tag and my comfort playlists are techno

#vent in tags #and like clockwork i feel sick again #i feel really afraid. scrolling through it. i feel really afraid that these things that brought me so much comfort will turn into something- #-that makes me really sad. i feel really scared of the fact that nothing will ever be the same again #that’s just grief #watching his videos tonight helped me realize that maybe it doesn’t have to be like that #cause yeah i kept on crying but he also made me laugh and he made me smile even though i was sad #just like he always does #i just don’t want to let go #so many days when i was tired or anxious and so i watched his streams. i’m just really upset that my grief might be so overwhelming that- #-i’m never able to do that again. it’s hard enough trying to reconcile that there’s nothing left for me to wait for #it’s a whole other thing thinking about how this will change how i see him and how i talk about him #it’s a whole other thing trying to switch to typing in the past tense without feeling like throwing up #i miss him so bad #i miss him so so bad #and the last time i had to grieve it was just as horrible. worse cause it was personal #and the only thing i learned from the last time i had to grieve was that grief never ever gets any easier it never gets better #it never stops hurting not for a second you just have to learn to work around it. you just have to pretend like it isn’t there #making a void out of you #i’m still not over that and i never will be and i didn’t want to have to grieve again so soon #it doesn’t feel very different #the first time it was personal and this time it’s a content creator but it doesn’t really feel very different #it’s all the same void #i appreciate you all being here. i am sharing how i feel because maybe someone will feel less alone when they read this #and it’s easier to write it out than to speak it #don’t worry too much about me i will take the breaks i need and i’m trying to take care of myself #i don’t know how older people who have seen so much death can survive #i don’t understand how you can live with this void #i didn’t understand it the first time and i don’t understand it now. i don’t understand how i’m meant to cope with this over and over again #how is anybody meant to deal with something like this

[queerhoodies]

this year was inarguably the worst of my life yet i’m so scared of actually letting go because every year it just keeps getting worse

#i guess after you’ve hit rock bottom you can just go uphil from there so that’s something #it’s so scary to go into a new year alone after you’ve lost the most important person in your life #and i don’t want to exist in a new year when they won’t #but also i’m looking forward to some things so it’s not all awful #and i’ve been so busy and tired lately i didn’t even have time to unpack all of that and now i’m panicking #i’m very torn rn #or just high #al rants #my new year’s resolution is to come up with a better personal tag #also i want a tag for my queue #like a fun pun or wordplay that a lot of people have #i think that i’ve actually never used the post queue in all of my time here #there’s many things i’ve never used here before and at this point i’m just too scared to ask #like side blogs #they always confused me #i used to just have multiple different blogs and log in and out of them #wait how did i go from a grieving depressive post to this #maybe i am high yes #to the new year !

[oh-katsuki]

I hate working a fucking job all the time. it was a mistake to finish the quarter and then immediately start working every single day. it could be the greatest environment in the entire world and it’s still fucking soul sucking. I hate coming home after working a retail job and being too exhausted to even fucking to devote time to my hobbies and passions.

#I barely have the energy to shower lately #let alone write or draw #this past week has been somewhat excruciating and I’ve got another full week with no days off in front of me #I’m so fucking exhausted #and I don’t even hate my job #my job is fantastic and my coworkers and bosses are cool #I am just so fucking tired because I’ve not had a real moment to breathe since October #and when I DID have a moment to breathe over thanksgiving #I didn’t even feel rested because I had to go to a friends fucking funeral #like I just… idk I’m so tired and I feel like I didn’t even have time to grieve jamo’s death #let alone processes it between school work and my actual job #and now that the quarter is done #I am working every fucking day because it’s the busy season for my store #and this morning I woke up with a stomach bug #and STILL went to fucking work as soon as it cleared up bc my boss needed me there #the new guy at work sucks #and now I’m home… have to shower.. go to bed.. #and then get up tomorrow morning and go to fucking work again #and in perspective my schedule is not that busy #like if I had the energy I could write in the hour I have in the morning or the hour after work and chores #but I don’t have the energy and idk why #and I’m a lucky gal. my family is good to me and I’m financially stable. I’m lucky. but I’m still fuckkng exhausted #I feel like I shouldn’t be exhausted #but I am and I have no idea what to do about it #everything is overwhelming #I’m so tired #vent

[aphroditestummyrolls]

I’m having A Time™️

#the real recovery is recovering from whatever grad school did to me #tw eating disorder #tw anorexia #tw body horror #tw identity crisis #like I am fine when I have a distraction but when one thing sets me off I start fucking grieving my entire life #like #shame is my emotional constant that is the baseline I feel like a failure all of the time what am I supposed to do about that??? #the endless push and pull of ‘I should be better to myself I should treat myself with the same grace I give others’ and #‘if I do not lose 20 lbs in the next week and go home with actual plans for my life’ is just really fucking tiring #but I can’t seem to let go of either of them #and i want to peel myself open and power wash my viscera until I’m small and clean and I don’t really know what that means but I hate who I #I am so grateful for everything I have and everyone that still chooses to be around me #but I just can’t stop cycling through these fucking THOUGHTS AGAIN AND AGAIN

[labyrynth]

jc core transfer salt re “medical ethics”

this absolute clown really wrote 2.1k words to illustrate the most piss poor understanding of medical ethics and informed consent you never thought was even possible

jiang cheng really does rot people’s brains 😒 gdi jc

#salt is salt #mdzs talk #moi #like christ just leave jiang cheng alone #this person adamantly claimed they don’t care about jiang cheng #and then they made an entire blog to talk about how much they hate him #like jfc wwx you could have given jc more than like a week to not only grieve for his parents and his sect #but cope with his very recent torture and newfound disability #there is a very important parallel being drawn between wq & wwx that has to do with autonomy and consent #and this ignores ALL of that in favor of a framework that Really Should Mot Have Been Applied To Begin With #i’m so fickinv #tired man

[wormsdyke]

when will they create a cure for girls who have trauma regarding the Holiday Season™ and have to shove their feelings about it in a deep dark hole so other people aren’t uncomfortable

#it has been many many years since i have not felt utter dread from november first to february first #it’s like a full time job. i’m so tired #i wish i could just for one year not have to try so hard #i wish they would let me grieve. #i’ve been trying to grieve this for so long but it’s hard to do any kind of healing when you’re always having to compartmentalize #i understand why it’s like this but it still doesn’t feel fair #anyways. listen to holy war by rainbow kitten surprise

[bonafidehero]

So I haven’t really said anything about this but just wanted to let all my mutuals and friends know that things are not going good right now. My sweet baby boy Grisly is in heart failure and is getting worse every day. It’s extremely draining and heartbreaking watching the little creature you’ve had since you were 19, who’s been there with you every step of the way in your life, die right before your eyes.

He was a relatively healthy senior dog just a month ago and now he’s declining rapidly. There are good days and bad days, and I’m just trying to make it through everyday without a panic attack. Every little change in his condition is torment. 😔 Truly, I don’t think I’ve known grief until this, anticipatory grief is no fucking joke.

So I’m sorry I’m extra quiet 🖤 thats just how I deal with things and I’ll hopefully feel up to socializing soon.

#tw: death #tw: pet illness #we also recently had a big health scare with one of our cats #we’ve had a million vet visits #pills and medication #surgeries #completely gone into debt with one of our credit cards #and thats just with the pets! #so to say the least I’m fucking tired #and feel like I’m already grieving before it even happens #my dog is literally my best friend #hes been here with me since even before my husband #HES MY GUY #MY LITTLE BUDDY #MY SHADOW #I love him so so so so much #it’s tearing me apart #(Lisa) #some days I’m okay and some I’m crying all day #It feels like a part of me (and a stage of my life) is ending #my parents are gone #and now the last remnant of my ‘old’ life is leaving too #kind of like my young adult life is ending #idk #anyways I’ve never had to deal with the death of a pet how the fuck do you manage? #anyways x2 thanks for coming to my pet grief ramblings/ted talk #I wanna get back to some semblance of normal so I’m gonna try and post more #will just fill my queue up because scrolling on here makes me happy

[amity-thesequel]

Feeling tempted to leave tumblr and discord

#I’m so angry and tired #god I just need to go to sleep and probably I’ll feel better #and I’m breaking out so now I feel ugly #even tho I’m a bad bitch fr #I went shopping today and got some cool sweaters #also my uncle who raised me died yesterday and I’ve never dealt well with grief #hot bitches don’t know how to grieve #I want to flip a table or something cool #I feel like Johanna from the hunger games #‘WELL FUCK THAT! AND FUCK EVERYBODY’ #period babes kiss me rn ily #damn this are all over the place #no but fr some of the people on here make me want to gouge my eyes out

[blurglesmurfklaine]

it’s hard to be home it’s hard not to be home it’s hard to be in San Antonio it’s hard not to be in San Antonio god what the FUCK

#personal #blurgleshutthefuckup #I’m like. just so tired #and I have so much to do #but I need to spend all this mental energy and time worrying about other people #and I have to be there for them #and I don’t GET to grieve the way they are because it’s not ABOUT me #and I forgot my fucking meds #I’m fine

[buck-yyyy]

i feel Very Weird

#i’m not. sad #i’m…….. mourning? grieving? scared? #i wish i could be a girl and i wish i could be a happy like that #i hate this weird in between state where i don’t fit in on either side #and i really hate having to hide but god i don’t want people to know #i’m scared shitless of my brain and the stupid halfway eating disorder and the paranoia and the hallucinations #i spent yesterday scratching and smacking at my skin because i kept feeling spiders that weren’t there crawl across my arms #one went from behind my ear to on top of my eye. it was awful #and the worst part is that i have to deal with all the random assorted symptoms and i can’t even get help to figure out what’s wrong with me #because how do i go to my parents (the people who are convinced that anxiety and a lack of appetite are the extent of #my mental health problems) and say ‘hi mom hi dad i hear and feel things that aren’t there and i’m paranoid nearly constantly and i have #these awful terrifying episodes where i lose my grip on reality. sorry for not telling you sooner’ #i can’t do that #i just. can’t. #and my memory is getting worse and i can’t interact with my favorite genre and it just makes me want to sob my eyes out because i want to be #who i was who never had to think about this shit. i don’t want to be this fucked up disaster of a person that i am now #i’m just so tired #tw vent