#I wish everything wasnt so hard

[y-vna]

　❘❙ 　✢ 　𝓛et 𝓜e 𝓢how 𝓨ou 𝓦ho 𝓦e 𝓐re　﹒　　⌅　 　◦ 　　◉

　❘❙ 　✢ 　𝓑atter, 𝓑atter, 𝓑atter 𝓤p 　⚾️　 @y-vna

div creds to @/plutism

# . ˚ ｡ ˚ ₊ ˚ ◦ ˚ ₊ ˚ ｡ ˚ #honestly i wasnt sure about babymonster's debut song. like i didnt even rlly listen to the whole thing #i wanted to like it but also like..not like it? #idk i just assumed it wasnt great from the short clips i heard #just the company reusing everything like its not even hard to tell they basically recycled bp to get babymonster “batter up” #but the song kinda slaps so good job ig #i just wish we would get like actual new material music. tho i do hope bbymnstr does become ig because i think they have potential + talent #kpop moodboard #kpop gg #kpop icons #kpop messy moodboard #aesthetic moodboard #kpop #kpop layouts #kpop gg moodboard #messy moodboard #cute moodboard #aespa winter #aespa winter moodboard #winter aespa #aespa moodboard #aespa messy moodboard #aespa messy icons #aespa messy layouts #aespa icons #aespa #new york yankees #white moodboard #blue moodboard #alternative moodboard

[opens-up-4-nobody]

The way that the sun hits leaves and clouds. I feel like I could watch the colors change forever. If I could slow down for that long.

#i keep forgetting a have a deck now. i can go outside and sit there #im doing that now. sitting in the corner of a deck full of empty chairs. staring up at a big pine tree where the sun is striking it gold #at the top. i like how thr light hits the needles. if the sky was black it would look like its on fire #theres a tree outside my bedroom window too. in the morning. after the sunrises it catches thr light and refelcts the most perfect shade #of green. the kind of green that flutters translucent like youre looking up from the bottom of a pool. the light the light its all about #the sun. everything everything is about the sun. when i start my project I'll be focused on understanding how organisms catch the light bc #its so incredible and complicated it would make my chest swell to bursting if there wasnt an empty bleeding wound in my gut. a #metaphorical wound of course. i dunno. its just difficult bc right now my mood is inflated by hormones. not even that much i think I'm #just at what shoulf be a normal level of happiness so i can be slow for a minute. but just a minute bc i kno it won't last long #sorry i cant shut the fuck up when im like this but i dunno i just feel like i havr to document these ephemeral moments before they're gone #its just difficult when you kno the world is so full of beautiful things but 95% of the time your eyes are too clouded to see it #everyone tells me i work too much but i feel like im just staring off into space being miserable 60% of the time. ive just done so much #damage over the past few years im coming into a new lab as damaged goods. ive got an albatross around my neck in thr form of data i #collected so self destructively that the idea of having anything to do with its publication makes me hate myself. everytime someone tells #me good job on collecting so so so much data it feels like they're congratulating me for breaking something within myself. like i slit my #wrists and bled out on a lab bench and theyre saying good job and theyre excited for me and i have to grin and bear it and pretend im #excited too. but im not bc ive burned everything inside me to ash. so when im elevated enough to be distracted by the clouds and trees it #feels like healing. like seeing angels. beautiful ephemeral beams of light. i wish i could slow down enough to watch them. but now thr sun #is hitting the horizon and the sky is going gradually dark and i should go inside. bc i have many things to do in the morning. so that's #what ill do. and ill try to get more thsn 6hrs of sleep but its hard when your body is vibrating over with energy #but at least i dont feel tired in the morning. something in my head must be on fire #unrelated #hm i should maybe add a tw to this #tw self injury #but its the kind thst makes u good at ur Job. its the kind ppl reward. so they don't understand when u say its destroying ur life #but im trying to get better. i say as i gear up for an insane semester lol but i do mean it

[silenthillbunni]

🐰🩹🧸🏨

#i hate being in pain like this #bc it completely takes over my life. like im incapable of thinking of anything else #im incapable of relaxing or enjoying anything. i cant do important things. cant do anything else but sit still nd be in pain #it just renders me completely useless and makes me stop functioning properly #im just a hopeless mess made of anxiety nd sadness. idk why but i just hyperfixate on it and i cant 'let go' or relax or not think abt it #idk how other ppl do it.... i wish i wasnt like this bc it's awful. it's like the only thing that exist nd ever will exist is this pain 4evr #im dramatic i know but ​it genuinely feels like my entire life is over and i'll ever know is pain nd nothing will ever get better again #im so caught up in it i cant see anything else but my pain. i cant think of the future bc do i have one?? i dont know #im just not feeling good at all. and everything feels bleak and depressing and i dont want it :(( #i cant have any fun or nice moments at all and im just tired of life #i feel so fkn stressed abt all the things i need to do nd all my responsibilities and idk how i'll do them when im in this pain #i just hope it can calm down soon i just want it to be a little bit easier just a little bit #getting thru each day now is so fkn hard i barely sleep but when i do i wish i never wake up #i hate everything and it feels like my future is fucked #which makes me wanna die!! but it also makes me sad bc there is actually sm i want to live for #i dont want it all to be ruined bc i want to try to live!!!! :( #and yess im know im being dramatic but i cant help it. im weak nd im terrible at dealing w pain nd issues #im not a strong person who can withstand everything nd finds ways to live either way. maybe it's bc my will to live isnt that strong #idk. i just hate this i want it to be over. it's taking over my life nd idk how to still function like this

[fagboyfriend]

cool party, man

[ID: A colored pencil drawing done on green toned paper. The image has a select color pallete, with the main tones in the image being pink, magenta, crimson, greyish green, a very pale light green, and a deep viridian. Six characters interact at a party. In closest veiw, a face of a smiling person with butterfly locs and glasses takes up a large part of the bottom corner of the image. Moving back, two people, a pink haired pale person, and a south asian man with forearm crutches lounge on a couch. The man seems to be the center of the page, and is smiling, others around him appearing to be laughing at something he said. He has a star shaped symbol covering one of his eyes. Behind the couch, another man with shaggy white hair and a phalloplasty scar stands frozen, holding a drink. He is looking at the lounging man, and he also has a star covering one of his eyes. Behind them, two women, a hijabi wearing a shirt that reads ‘butch dyke’ and a black woman wearing pink overalls talk. All of the people stand in an apartment, the walls covered in paintings as well as a large fireplace. end ID.]

#wanted to draw a very queer party with a disabled person as the center of attention. #some little details that were hard to translate bc for this assignment i wasnt allowed to go very big #so its pretty small physically. so the colored pencil drowned out some details BUT. #the guy behind the couch has a phallo scar and is wearing hearing aids #there is repeated star and celestial imagrey in the image (tho i wish i added more!) #the two girls in the back were originally also supposed to have the symbols signiying attraction but i thought it would be too distracting! #this was done on green toned sketch paper with a small handful of colored pencils #but everything is either a magenta or a desaturated green of some sort #i rlly love the sketch for this one so ill post that in a rb but a lot of the detail was lost in the transition bc yknowZ #colored pencil is hard to be very precise on a small scale with #artists on tumblr #trans artists #queer artists #ocs #mlm #trans art #cripplepunk #colored pencil #traditional art #art blog #my art #art #illustration

[dollar-store-sparklez]

i miss dominion smp :(

#also i wanna be in one of legs videos i couldnt be in the undercover one bc when i try and log in on my wifi i jsut insta crash #this used to not happen when i joined legundos server but now it does bc verizon wants me dead ig #like that GOT one looked SO FUN fr #like im a silly goofy guy! im good at the game! i could be an asset! #this isnt relevant to the post at all i just got instantly distracted #except like. only patrons and like. really active members are prolly ever gonna get to be in those #and i had to cancel my patreon membership for a little while so i could save money #so im only a patron until october rn after having been a patron for. many months #im kinda sad about it fr #legs you follow me if you see this. hi. sorry i had to stop being a patron im also not happy about it but i had 20 dollars to my name #ill rejoin later i prommy #also viking if you see this. start a patreon nerd i wanna be a member when i have more money #what was i talking about? OH YEAH videos players can be in #they look so fun i was in the ryan one recently and im super excited for it to come out #even tho i wasnt a big part of the story besides getting my ass kicked that one time #it was still fun. wish my group hadnt continually had everything we owned burned down. that sucked really hard #very excited for that video tho i wait w bated breath #i should go rewatch the got video

[roughentumble]

There is no justice for Junpei since his gf trapped him in a murder game twice and never apologised for giving him horrendous PTSD and somehow it feels like everyone except for me is just chill with it

[999/zero escape spoilers for anyone who cares]

i am actually also one of those people that thinks its fun and sexy that akane is off the walls and a conspiracy theorist and trapped him in a death game, sorry 😔 but i agree that he literally does Not get enough love or attention from the fandom, i really like junpei's character, and akane literally couldve picked ANYONE to be the pivotal person but it was junpei she knew, junpei she trusted, it was junpei who cared enough to pull through. he kept fighting no matter what!!! he was funny and nice and tenacious. like she was a little tiny baby girl who was going to die and she screamed out to the universe for help, and he heard her and he reached back for her.... even tho he was about to die too........ how could junpei's love for akane not rewrite your brainnnnn it was so GOOD. that's jumpy!!!! my best friend jumpy!!!!

#spoilers tag #999 spoilers #zero escape spoilers #i think part of why the ptsd never gets addressed is cuz a lot of ppl didnt like the writing for ztd #so it's hard to really play around with any of the character concepts when you dont like how any of it is written #easier to just throw the baby out with the bathwater #but tenmyouji was so INTERESTING and i LOVED that glimpse into an akane that was so far gone and a junpei that was ultimately on #a different path now from her. #even though they still love each other so fucking much and he's been looking for her #it was so interesting and COMPELLING and the way he spoke about Doomed Timelines. and how he doesnt think it's right #to just erase everything. to just abandon it. #that those people still had to pick up everything and keep living......... #it was some of the most compelling and interesting writing in vlr(a game i rather enjoyed)!!!! #AND THAT WAS JUNPEI SAYING IT #it was junpei!!! he was the lynchpin of the first game he was the introspective of the second!!! he COULD have been interesting in the 3rd #junpei my fucking friend junpei #i still wish he wasnt boring in the 3rd game because i found Everyone boring in the 3rd game. but like. gods. i just #junpei..... my friend jumpy....... #after everything. she still uses the password jumpydoll. that's still the defining thing in her life #that's still the one moment EVERYTHING is based on #and it's because of how good and kind junpei was...... #akane my beloved junpei my beloved 999 my beloved

[keptthepieces]

just another diary entry obvs

#i still feel so sad #yk i mean i take things very deeply very personally im sure some people remember may '21 lol #but this is just very hard for me because im so confused #why would you let resentment build towards someone about something they dont even know theyre doing to bother you #to the point that youre hurting the other person and they dont even know why for the longest time #it hurts a lot it wasnt even addressed at all until i brought it up bcs i couldn't stand not knowing and yet feeling so hurt and confused #i needed to know it wasn't in my head and i was right #but now im second guessing everything they talked to me so normally said they care about me all the way up until the day before #but ive felt the distance for a while so do they love me like they said or was that not true #if they dont then im such an idiot i really care about them i really respect them and love them #idk im really hurting very badly #really stupid for a 25 yr old to feel so hurt because they annoyed someone #but i just wish it was addressed sooner and for someone who prides themselves on being open and honest and direct.. #it feels like they maybe just didnt care enough to talk to me about it. #so yk maybe they dont care about me. #which also feels like an offensive conclusion to come to about them when they dont lie and value honesty and openness so much #i dont want to think they dont love me bcs i do think i know them pretty well i do think theyd never lie about that #but maybe ive only convinced myself of that because it would hurt far worse if they didnt #whatever anyways im so stupid and i know i must have fucked things up by being too much again. #ill leave them alone and the hurt will ease up eventually #their friendship has meant a lot to me theyve done a lot for me i dont want to lose it completely i really dont #i just dont regulate well how much i care for my friends and its too much sometimes its one of the worst things about me #but i genuinely want my friends to know theyre loved and thought of and cared about and i mean it #and i cant always tell when i hit overbearing so i fuck things up. #anyways i am sorry i made someone i care about feel overwhelmed and i regret that i made them uncomfortable for i dont even know how long #im hurt but thats the worst thing i couldve done #okay ill shut up now stop talking about it its just still fresh to me obviously cant talk abt it on twt and they dont follow me here #i needed to vent without my irl friends 'fuck them' attitude bcs theyre a good person and friend and it does feel like its only my fault #for the most part anyways minus yk the communication bit #but we'll circle back to the do they even count us friends doubts and we dont need that ill move on now needed to get it off my chest

[skypiea]

I think I would like sta.mpede a lot more if it. wasnt associated with tri.gun and was its own thing

#kite.txt #all the stuff I like abt stampede is more its original stuff #and all tne stuff I rly dont like is the manga ideas its rushing and kinda butchering #+ the simplifying and reduction of characters like vash and meryl #+ removal of the angelic alien stuff in favor of much more stock standard looking scifi designs #so like everything I dislike abt stampede is all the things it changed for the worse from other trigun media #in the end I wish it was an original project that wasnt in a position where it kind of has to be compared #bc it will come up short inevitably #do not want these showing up in the tags bc im NOT trying to be a hater. glad lots of people are liking it #I am just finding it rly hard to 😔😔😔

[bulkhummus]

maybe this mac and cheese at 10 am will heal me

#hmmmmm #i wish i wasnt so hard on myself about standards and limits i create myself #i dont think thats the way toward progress but i also dont think whatever state i am in right mow os a way forward either #i think my body is just deeply tired and stressed with everything going on #and its hard to go to bed and hard to wake up #idk i am making cheese though and its a sunny day and im going to take a bath later (finally) #all will be well and ill take care of myself #personal

[dalkyeom]

this august must’ve been so bad for my perfect imaginary world to crumble in front of my eyes

#that 1% positive braincell fought her best #wow the colors are turning black and white :’( #and the urge to remove myself from existing is back again #I wish I wasnt so scared of failure and being a disappointment #and I wish I could brush everything off #i’m so bad at asking for some words of comfort or an ear #bc these problems sound so silly if I didn’t care enough #i’ll delete later I’m trying not to think too bad but that’s hard rn #chia.diary

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

#ugh. i dont kno what to do. im about to reap what ive sown bc Tomorrow is the start of the 1st real week of class #and i have cell mechanics and biochem tomorrow and i can already tell the class is gonna b a lot #like it would b one thing if we were just reading and discussing papers but there r summary assignments and exams #and like u dont understand what it takes for me a read a paper. it takes so much pain. and this class is centered around eukaryotes #and i study prokaryotes so like its not really that relavent to me but like i didnt kno what else to take #everyone does eukaryotic stuff. general genetics was full. the microbial evolution class conflics with another class #and everyone tells me ill know everything anyway but im not sure thats true. and if it is i think it would still b fun #so idk. i could drop the class and pick up extra hours for research instead. like use the time to read relevant papers #its sorta hard bc i already have a masters so its like where do u put me? not in stats. i kno how to do a lot of things so idk #i think i saw a plant evolution class. if i wasnt intimidated by the teacher and ever took botany maybe i would go for it #but so it goes. idk. im meeting my advisor on Tuesday morning so maybe ill bounch ideas off of him #and like i kno it sounds like im being a bitch over having to take 2 3hr classes but ive got to ta and do research and somehow find time #to work on my existing data. so like i could justify only taking the one 3hr class i think #ugh. i just wish i could read. and i wish i could sleep #maybe the class tomorrow wont b so bad. or maybe it will. idk i just really wanna take the microbio course #my eyes r all swollen from crying. bleh. i was not designed for this. for reading #unrelated

[dreamcast-official]

guess who cant fall asleep cause its too busy being sad!!!! me bitch

#eli.txt #this is abt me being bitchless still. #i just. i tried so hard to fix it and make it work but i guess i just wasnt good enough. and i dont even blame em for that lol #i miss them. not even in a i miss being in a relationship with them but they straight up will not talk to me #despite saying they still wanted to be friends and i feel really bad. bc maybe again i am not good enough to put in the effort #i WANT to be their friend i WANT to talk to them but everytime we interact i want to cry bc i just KNOW that i was not good enough #we were such good friends before we started dating and i want to be good friends again but i dont know if we can bc #i just fucked up too bad too many times AND NOW THEY WILL NOT TALK TO ME #its not like they need me. they have better friends than me and a better partner and a better everything and im nothing #they dont need me. but i still feel like i need them and this fucking sucks so bad. #theyre better than me in every way too so idk why i ever felt like i would be a good partner. i dont have anything to offer and never did #i was just being dumb the whole time i guess. idk i feel so bad. i wish i could be their friend again without going through all of this. #this sucks

[perenlop]

always feel kinda weird when i make a canon character “worse” than they are in canon in my own hcs but also like hyness was a literal cult leader who exploited the sisters and hit zan onscreen and literally used her and her sisters bodies as tools in his boss fight so like. canonically he is a horrible person who’s actions just get sweeped w a vague “oh he might have been corrupted actually theyre cool now” ending. so i guess its not that strange to just lean into him being abusive in my hcs

#like i get it star allies is the friendship game where everyone and everything becomes a friend in the end #but like... he literally gives me lusamine vibes lol #im not saying hes gotta be this one dimensional evil guy bc like he very well could have meant well and did genuinely #save the sisters lives and in my hc he does take in baby mag out of goodwill initially #if partially out of spite towards the ancients but he still initially wanted to make sure he had a parental figure #and part of why hes got so many followers is bc hes very convincing and frighteningly. genuine? to some degree? #idk tho this is all very loose hcs in a game that didnt really focus too hard on the specifics of their backstory #i think its just that hes convinced himself hes right no matter what and what hes doing is 100% ethical #like he thinks hes helping zan by keeping her from her sisters and hes helping mag by attempting to turn him against his ancestors #just in a constant state of denial that eventually drives him to hurt people and makes him lose everything #and ik none of the characters are extremely complex and well developed bc a lot is up for interpretation at the end of the day #but man. idk the dlc ending bugs me to this day i wish so bad it wasnt just shrugged off w ''oh he was possessed actually idk'' #echoed voice

[pessimisticprincess]

i honestly do not know how i’m going to get through today

#nightmares and broken sleep has me waking up feeling like i cant think straight and that mothing will ever be okay again #definitely going to be a mental breakdown in the bathroom at work kind of day #wish i wasnt constantly on the verge of getting fired so i could just stay home and hide in my bed until some of this passes #so tired of how hard everything feels but its no ones fault but my own

[mare-the-silly-scroingle]

sometimes i wonder if my mutuals notice me slipping away and i wonder if they know that it’s not intentional and i wonder if they still resent me anyway

#every reaction would be fair #whether they notice ornot whether theyre upset ornot #or you i guess. i dont know #i wish i wasnt like this but i dont know how to like. be a friend #its already hard with people i am forced to see daily #but online? how do you do that #how do you form these deeply forged relationships #the vast majority with a few exceptions of my online b est friends ive ever #(1) not talked to at a consistent rate in 2 years #or (2) we talk regularly but never at a level that indicates deep friendship #some of my best friends online i know fucking nothing about #and i dont mean in the online friend way #of internet privacy i mean in the everything #and it hurts but its exactly what i expect? this always happens #at this point befriending me is such a bad idea that i wish people on this site thought i was drama prone or negative or mean #so that people would stop coming because i can't like. i can't handle that #and this isn't me saying i hate my online friends i love them i love you all so much #but i don't know how to do this #no matter how much time passes its like im talking to a brick wall #and we're both hanging on for dear life #and i don't know what people must be seeing in me that i can't see in anybody including myself

[farlooms]

i wish i wasnt so fucking stupid & i wish that i didnt crumble under the even SLIGHTEST hint of something unusual or different or whatever tbe hell im so sick of it

#kage rattles #WHY is it. that i can cook so well when im alone or at my eommas #but the MINUTE im in an unfamiliar space or theres people. i crumble & cant do shit and it feels like im being judged super hard #nothing even happened im just THINKINGGG i hate this #i wish my life wasnt sabotaged by both the people i was raised around and myself. g*d. i hate this so much #i just want to be on my own. i wanna see my real family whenever i want and be able to relax and be comfortable #amd not fuck everything up the MOMENT im not either home w my roommates or at my eommas #i hate coming to stay here bc it makes me realize how vastly inferior i feel everywhere else and how miserable my life is #its not even just cooking its fucking everything but cooking is sticking out rn bc i almosf burnt smth ive never fucked up before