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ziracona · 4 years

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Dwight/Jake wedding headcanons maybe? They deserve it.

For sure!

It’s a couple years down the road. They’ve been living in the Indiana house with Adam, while the others orbit in and out from Springwood and Lockport and Haddonfield and Indianapolis and Bloomington and New Jersey and Missouri and New York and such every few days. It’s peaceful and fun there for them. Woods, big house, familiar smells and people and memorobelia and Ron’s grave and markers added nearby for Vigo and Alex and Lisa and Sujan and the person from the lab with no name and the survivors who came before them and never got to be buried. It’s home. They’re just chilling, Dwight and Jake talking with intent but also very relaxed about something while Adam edits a sequel in his easy chair, deep in edit mode, when Jake calls over, “Hey Adam, do you want to be a best man, or do you want to marry us?”

Which Adam hears the wrong homophone for for a second and almost takes him out before he realizes they meant the other version of ‘marry’ and remembers how to breathe again.

He stutters out a, “Well, I, uh—I mean, I can do whichever you’d prefer, but I’m not ordained. In. Anything. I know I did Min and Nea’s, but—”

“—Yeah, we know, but we just need it to be legal,” Jake shrugs, “and we don’t want a stranger at the wedding period, so someone’s getting ordained.”

“I think you can get ordained online in like an hour,” adds Dwight helpfully, “and we’re not religious either, but—and now that I’m saying this it was Meg so that means I should make sure becuase sometimes her memory for numbers is uhhh bad, but she told me like a week ago you only need ten people to officially get your new religion recognized. And we could be ‘the survivors’ or something. I don’t know I believe in much, but I believe in that.”

Jake nods. “Whatever is true, this group of people can rip a hole in the fabric of the universe for each other. I’d ascribe to that.”

“I kind of like that,” says Adam, “I would too. But if we have a spiritual ‘leader’, wouldn’t Ace be a better choice than me? Or Jane?”

This is considered a good point and they debate between Adam, Jeff, Tapp, Jane, and Ace for a bit, [Philip is also briefly considered, but they realize just as fast he’d be overwhelmed and stressed by having to do it & mercifully swap him to another role], then decide on Ace, who’s always been the kind of...not exactly dad, not exactly uncle, but not not those things, and certainly some kind of an early spiritual or morale core for them, parentish figure, and a comfort and hope leader for them all. Also, they know he’ll get a fkn kick out of being ordained for this.

Dwight takes Quentin as his Best Man, Claudette his Maid of Honor, and Jake takes Nea as Matron of Honor, Andrew as Best Man, and Meg as Maid of Honor. They decide fuck it, and it’s kinda Parks & Rec (an argument used by and against Jake many times the next few weeks) anyway, and also both take Adam and Philip as Best Men because fuck it, it’s too hard and also wedding rules are arbitrary and made to be broken, and so then Jake adds Kate as a bridesmaid, Dwight adds Laurie, they realize the number of survivors is dwindling dangerously and decide fuck it, our wedding is for us might as well be fkn weird and cool, and add David, Min, Tapp, Jane, Jeff, and Laurie as groomsmen and bridesmaids too. This still leaves Michael, Anna, Sally, Benedict, Susie, Jeff’s three Legion kids, and everyone’s families which is like fkn a lot of people, to be audience party (sans Nancy, who is pleaded with to be wedding party and run the music pre-reception because the number of people that they want involved /and/ who won’t give in to or be tricked by Meg into some kind of terrible flash mob stunt is very small, and in fact, basically is just Nancy. She is happy to do it and thinks their desperate reasoning is hilarious).

They break the news to Meg and Claudette and Ace first (after Adam), ask Ace to marry them, and tell Meg she can run post-weddding/reception music however she wants, except the songs for a couples dance & parent dances. She is /thrilled/. Claudette is very happy and cries. They call up Quentin & Nea to add to the conversation and Jake says Nea and Meg and Susie are in charge of setting up the wedding because he knows they’re gonna fight him for the role anyway, but they have to throw whatever they can together with only the stuff they own already and $50, they want only family & the other survivors/their families at the wedding, the service short and sweet, and to have it at the cabin, by the river. Meg loses her mind with indignance and joy together, and goes buckwild. They hit thrift shops for fairy lights and streamers and more.

Everyone is thrilled to be asked, Jane says “about time,” and Philip can’t think of anything to say and gets overwhelmed emotionally and taken off guard to be asked to be a groomsman. It’s sweet. Everyone with fashion sense takes everyone else shopping or through their wardrobes for fun wedding clothes and to at least have accent pieces that match a color theme. (Complimentary blues, yellow/gold, and pinks to the grooms’. More on that). It’s super fun & they make a fashion show of it. There’s no matching in form, just color, which is just the best version anyway there’s really no goddamn reason to spend thousands of bucks on a wedding when you could just have a funky cute good time with the people who love you & no stress.

Jake picks a deep blue hanbok (bc the hottest Jake I’ve ever seen is the one @eggchef did for lunar new year & the note in the tags about an actual hanbok has been banging around in my head ever since), and when they’re going through stuff for Dwight, he comments a pink one is surprisingly nice because it’s not the color he’d expected to think about, and Jake remarks offhand that if they do deep blue and pink they’ll be stealing their girls’ looks, and the second he says that, they both know there’s no other choice now. Dwight gets a light pink suit and a tie that matches Jake’s blue. They’re adorable and both look exceedingly handsome.

The wedding is short and perfect. Ace does a great job, it’s a nice day, and Meg works wonders with her $50 budget and (notably obscenely large) preexisting store of party supplies, + help from her mom who is passing down the legacy of being the best tiny budget party planner on earth. It’s very open, but with near arches and dangling glass and prisims that cast rainbows everywhere, lots of meaningfully chosen for their blessings and symbolism flowers and flower chains from Claudette. It’s a little reminiscent of the birthday decorations Min and Nea did plus the prisims, and that accidentally makes all the survivors super emotional like 1 minute in.

Only the moms get to speak in the wedding (besides Ace and the grooms), and Andrew and Meg and Nea and Quentin and such all gotta save their roasts for the reception. It’s sweet. Ace knows them super well and it shows in the best way. The grooms write their own vows, and both echo their statements in the hatch tunnel without knowing the other was going to do so too. Jake starts with an “I am deeply, unendingly, ridiculously in love with you,” and Dwight brings in a, “I wouldn’t be who I am without you.” They end it with Dwight saying, “Will you still stay with me, now that it’s all over? Through whatever we’re thrown to next?” And Jake replying, “Wherever you go, I’ll always follow.”

I cry.

The reception is a party by the house. It’s just a huge prepared buffet made by the family who can cook, so no one has to sit and wait. Meg starts the music with Cascada’s Evacuate the Dance Floor because she doesn’t “want to see people dragging their feet like a bunch of fuckin weenies, I want asses on that dance floor!” There’s a lot of 90s and early 2000s pop, but also many many classic dance songs. Lots of ABBA. Lots of it. Everyone has great fun. Min, Nea, Susie, and Meg made the playlist, except for a few of the specific dances. Muriel Fairfield’s mother-son dance with Dwight is to Song For Ten by Neil Hannon because he knows she’s a sweet big emotional nerd and it’s the song she wants, and he’s willing to do it, and she sobs and is a mess but also the happiest she’s been since the day she got the call he was alive.

They have literally zero idea where they’re going when they drive off for a honeymoon. They’re like “Uhh so I’ve been looking at our complete and utter lack of wedding structure and planning as a good thing? But we might have overstepped that a little here....”

Dwight drives while Jake searches the web for LGBT safe honeymoon locations because there’s nothing that would ruin a trip more than that not working out, and reads off a list and Dwight is like, “Wait wait holy fuck, I though you meant what US cities or maybe Canada. Switzerland? Do we even have cash for the plane fare somewhere like that?” And Jake just looks at the page silently for a few seconds, shuts the laptop, and without expression says, “...I really hate this, but I’m gonna let myself be a rich boy, just once.”

They take Andrew’s jet to New Zealand (Jake calls him and listens for 2 minutes then just monotone goes “Okay but you owe me for being a dipshit for fifteen years,” and they get the ride). Jake picks a relaxed pace and some scuba diving, some hikes, but no overnight camping. Lots of just seeing the world and holding hands and grinning at how absolutely breathless and shocked Dwight is at every chunk of nature like nothing he’s seen before. They are disgustingly, blissfully happy.

#ask #anonymous #dead by daylight #in living memory (fic)#in living memory #ILM spoilers #long post #parkfield #dwake #Jake park #Dwight Fairfield

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cali-holland · 5 years

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Teenage Love Story, Part One- S.M.

Pairing: Shawn Mendes X Reader

Prompt: The summer of 2015 was the summer that you spent with your sister, Taylor Swift, on her 1989 World Tour. It happened to also be the summer that you fell for the shy new singer Shawn Mendes.

Word Count: 4100

Featured Song: Wake Me by Bleachers

Previous Parts: Teaser

~~~

June 2015

“Y/N, you’re here!” You were caught off guard when you were suddenly enveloped in a large hug from your older sister.

“Hey, Taylor.” You smiled, hugging her back tightly. She pulled away from you and you admired her tour outfit consisting of a black top and a colorful skirt. “I love the look.”

“Thank you. It’s very shiny.” She replied, doing a small spin. “I can’t believe you’re really here for the summer.”

“I know, it’s going to be the best summer ever.” You were happy for your sister, and you were even happier that you were able to join her for a few legs of her 1989 tour while you were on summer break from school.

“I have to go because I’m due on stage soon, but I’ll see you afterwards. Pittsburgh’s going to be incredible.” She hugged you one last time before rushing off through the backstage.

“You’re really pushing it with a delayed flight.” Your mom teased you.

“I know, I know. Who knew Nashville to Pittsburgh would be so troublesome?” You laughed. The two of you began to head off towards your special viewing area in the crowd. Turning a sharp corner backstage, you were suddenly hit by another body, making you tumble to the ground.

“Whoa, I’m so sorry.” The person said, holding out a hand to help you.

“It’s alright.” You replied, looking up at them as you took their hand. You quickly recognized the face of Shawn Mendes, the new singer that was Taylor’s opening act. He seemed to freeze once he had helped you up.

“Thank you.” You said, smiling at him softly. He went to say something in a reply, but then nervously turned and scuttled away. You looked at your mom with a raised eyebrow, “Did I do something wrong?”

“He’s shy.” She stated. “If there’s one thing I’ve noticed about him over the past few weeks, he doesn’t do much talking to pretty girls his age.”

“Wait, he’s-”

“Sixteen. He’s got talent.”

“Wow, that’s impressive.” You let out a small laugh. As you and your mom continued your way through the stadium, you couldn’t help but think of the young star that you now so desperately wanted to talk to.

~~~

“So,” Taylor said, sitting beside you backstage a week later. Everyone was gathered around the large open room, talking amongst each other. Your eyes landed on Shawn, who sat by himself in a corner softly playing his guitar.

“So?” You raised an eyebrow at her, wondering what she was on about.

“You know, Shawn’s kinda cute, isn’t he?” She playfully nudged your shoulder, following your eyes over to him. He looked up and, upon seeing you and Taylor looking over at him, he quickly ducked his head down and returned to his guitar.

“Mom said he’s shy.” You teased.

“Yeah, I heard you had a literal run-in with him the other day.” She said, “You should go talk to him. I know he’s single.”

“Taylor, you did not seriously invite me on this tour just to play matchmaker, did you?” You asked with a small laugh.

“I’ll never confess.” She stood up from the couch, “He’s not coming with us to Europe so you won’t see him again until July.”

“You’re unbelievable.” You said as she walked away to talk to one of her dancers. You looked back over at Shawn and sighed. You stood from your spot and walked over to him. His fingers stopped playing his guitar when you sat beside him.

“What are you playing?” You asked him, a smile forming on your lips.

“Just a song I’m writing.” Shawn replied.

“What’s it called?”

“There’s Nothing Holding Me Back.” He said. He turned back to the guitar and began to strum the notes of the song. When he stopped, he looked back up at you sheepishly, “It’s not finished yet.”

“I’m sure with lyrics it’d sound pretty great.” You teased.

“I’m still working on those too.”

“So, why are you over here by yourself? Everyone’s socializing and you’re literally in a corner.” You asked with a playful tone.

“I just, I get nervous because everyone’s so much older than me and much more experienced.”

“Hey, that’s what I’m here for. Us teenagers have to stick together, right?” You nudged his elbow with yours.

“How long-” He cleared his throat as his voice cracked a bit, making him blush nervously, “How long are you here for?”

“I think I leave when we’re in Canada, like Edmonton or something.” You said.

“You know, I’m, um, I’m from Canada actually.” He said.

“Really? I’ve never actually been.” You replied.

“Well, I live near Toronto. It’s on the other side, but if you’re ever in Toronto, I could give you a tour, or something.” Shawn trailed off at the last part.

“I’ll let you know if I ever make it to Toronto.”

“That’s cool.” He paused and you could tell that everyone was getting ready for the concert. The fans were beginning to enter the arena, it was just about time. Shawn bit his lip nervously, searching for something else to say.

“Do you want to exchange numbers? I’ll need someone to talk to when I’m in Europe, and, who knows, I might end up in Toronto at some point.” You smiled as he rushed to get out his phone. It took a week and you definitely liked the awkward boy in front of you.

~~~

“Are you sure you have everything?” Your mom asked for what seemed like the millionth time.

“Yes, it’s just a few days, mom.” You reassured her, holding onto your suitcase and purse. After texting and sometimes calling him throughout the entire European leg, you were going to visit Shawn for a few days following the Montreal show. Taylor had a few days off and Shawn would be opening for her again in East Rutherford, so you had planned on seeing him for the few days you were off before returning to the tour.

“You’re making her worry.” Taylor said, coming up to you and giving you a hug.

“Oh please, this is nothing compared to you at sixteen.” You teased.

“Have fun, and don’t do anything I wouldn’t do.” She replied.

“Y/N, are you sure you’re okay going alone?” Your mom asked- it was another question she had repeated to you over the past few weeks of planning this small trip.

“Yes, Shawn’s just going to show me around Toronto. I’ll even call you all two and a half days that I’m gone.” You answered.

“Say hi to Shawn for me.” Taylor told you as your mom hugged you one last time.

“I’ll see you in a few days.” You smiled, waving goodbye before getting in the car to take you to the airport. You really liked Shawn, and you could only hope that he somehow felt the same, so you were looking forward to this trip.

When you got off the plane in Toronto, you followed the signs for the exit. You smiled upon seeing Shawn waiting for you near the baggage claim.

“You made it.” He smiled, giving you a tight hug. You were surprised by the embrace, it was the first time he had hugged you, but you leaned into it.

“Just about killed my mom to let me leave, but yeah I’m here.” You said.

“Let me grab your stuff.” Shawn stated, reaching for your suitcase.

“Shawn, I got it-” You stopped yourself short as he took the suitcase from you anyway.

“Let me be a gentleman and carry it.” He teased. He led you out to the parking lot and came to a stop by a mini van.

“Is this your ride?” You teased while he unlocked the car.

“Technically it’s my mom’s.” Shawn replied, placing your stuff in the trunk.

“Thank you for picking me up.” You told him as the two of you entered the car.

“No problem, I’m still trying to think of what to show you exactly. Toronto’s got a lot to see and we only have a couple of days.” He said, starting the car and pulling out of the parking lot.

“I’ll be happy with anything. It’s better than figuring out something to do in New York City.”

“Is that where Taylor’s off to?”

“Yep, back to her place in the big apple.” You paused for a moment. “So, what’s your family like?” From your spot in the passenger seat, you admired Shawn while he spoke about his family, his eyes lighting up as he recalled details about them.

“I was thinking we could just hang around Pickering today. There’s this place that has the best coffee ever.” Shawn said as he pulled the car into his driveway.

“Sounds amazing.” You replied. Shawn turned off the car and the two of you got out. He rushed to the trunk to get your suitcase out before you even had to opportunity to try.

“Your family’s going to think I’m so pathetic for not carrying my own luggage.” You teased.

“They’re going to love you. Come on.” Shawn used his free hand to grab yours, leading you into the house. He still held onto your hand as he called out for his family.

“This must be Y/N.” Manny smiled, coming into the entryway to greet you.

“We’ve heard so much about you.” Karen said kindly.

“Mom,” Shawn warned with a blush on his cheeks, quickly dropping your hand when he noticed he’d kept hold of you.

“Well, it’s not a lie.” Aaliyah stated, coming into the room.

“So, Y/N, this is my dad, Manny, and my mom, Karen. And this is my little sister, Aaliyah.” Shawn smiled, introducing you around to everyone.

“It’s so nice to meet all of you.” You replied.

“Shawn really has told us a lot about you, by the way.” Aaliyah said teasingly, making you laugh much to Shawn’s dismay.

“Anyway, I’m going to show Y/N the guest room.” Shawn stated, ignoring his sister’s comment. He led you down the hall.

“So that’s my room,” He pointed to one of the open doors. He quickly shut the door, not before you saw the clothes strewn out all over his floor. “Sorry, I’m packing.”

“It’s fine. I’d be surprised if you had a clean room.” You joked as he playfully rolled his eyes at you.

“And here’s the bathroom, and then the guest room.” Shawn said, showing you into the bedroom. He set your suitcase down by the dresser before smiling over at you.

“Can I change before we leave? I kinda don’t want to wear airplane clothes all day.” You admitted sheepishly.

“Oh, yeah, I’ll be in the kitchen.” He replied, closing the door as he left the room. You smiled to yourself as you changed into another outfit. Making your way to the kitchen, you heard Shawn talking to his mom about you.

“She’s incredible, isn’t she?” Shawn said. You stopped in the doorway as he spoke, his back turned to you. He went to take a drink of his water when his mom spoke up.

“I’d say she’s girlfriend material.” Karen stated, making Shawn choke on his water. As he turned around to cough, he realized you were standing there. He turned beet red as soon as he saw you.

“I’m ready to go.” You said, letting out a small laugh at his actions.

“Right. Coffee.” Shawn nodded, setting down his cup. He waved goodbye to his mom and rushed you out of the house awkwardly.

“I don’t know how I’m ever going to step foot in there again.” He said, starting up his car.

“It’s okay, Shawn,” You laughed, placing a hand on his bicep, “I’d say you’re boyfriend material.”

You couldn’t stop yourself from giggling at him blushing from your words.

As Shawn showed you around Pickering, you found yourself fully enjoying yourself, wanting nothing more than to just be with him. It all felt so sudden, but you were so sure about him. At the end of the day, he was driving you back to his place, the radio playing faintly in the background as you took in your surroundings.

“I love this song.” You smiled, turning up the radio as you heard the familiar tune of Wake Me by Bleachers.

“I’ve never heard this song.” Shawn let out a laugh at your reaction.

“It’s the best driving song. Can you open the sunroof?” You asked. He nodded and clicked the button to have it open. You sang along to the song, in pure bliss. As the bridge came up, you stood up through the sunroof, much to Shawn’s dismay.

“Hey, Y/N, that’s not safe.” He said, worried.

“If you’re lonely, lonely, lonely, wake me,” You screamed the lyrics out passionately into the night, ignoring his calls. The bridge ended and you sat back down. Shawn immediately closed the sunroof.

“I didn’t know you could sing.”

“Did I disappoint you for actually hitting the notes?”

“You’re something else, aren’t you?” He smiled over at you.

“And you’re cute when you’re worried.” You teased. He blushed again, taking a moment to come up with a response.

“And you’re cute all the time.”

“Aw, look at you flirting back.” You joked, “I’m so proud.”

“You’re definitely changing me, that’s for sure.” He pulled into his driveway and looked over at you with pure admiration in his eyes. The moment was cut short as Aaliyah came outside, beckoning the two of you inside.

The next day went by smoothly with the two of you exploring Toronto, and Shawn even took you to a Raptors game. You were enamored by the way he got so into the game. He even went as far as explaining the game of hockey to you; you didn’t have the heart to tell him that you had actually seen many hockey games before. The last day, his mom scolded him for not being done with packing, which led to you lounging on his twin bed while he packed.

“I’m sorry your last day is spent like this.” Shawn said, sheepishly. “I swear I was almost packed a few days ago.”

“Shawn, it’s fine. It’s fun watching you try to sneakily smell your shirts before deciding if they go in the laundry or not.” You laughed, and he immediately flushed.

“I’m messy.”

“It was cute.” You replied. He smiled at you before quickly turning back to his suitcases. Your eyes drifted over to the few guitars he had out, leaning up against his wall. “Can I play one of your guitars?”

“You play?” He looked back at you with a surprised look on his face. His expression changed to fondness before handing you one of his guitars, “Here, use this one. It’s my favorite.”

“It’s lovely.” You said, gently taking the guitar from his hands. You started to strum random notes as he went back to packing. “Okay, guess the song.”

“Alright.” He laughed, listening as you began to play the guitar. His laughter continued as he recognized the song, “Imagination by that one super annoying kid.”

“Yeah, that one kid with the squeakiest pre-puberty voice.” You teased.

“Hey, I have-” Shawn stopped himself out of embarrassment.

“You know, Imagination is the first song I ever heard of yours.” You stated, bringing him out of his worries.

“Really?” He sat beside you on the bed while you kept playing the notes softly.

“It’s probably my favorite song. It’s sweet and innocent, and everything a love song needs.”

“You actually like it?” He looked surprised by your confession.

“Well, maybe There’s Nothing Holding Me Back will change my mind.” You smiled.

“Oh, I finished it. Do you want to hear it?” Shawn asked.

“Of course.” You handed him the guitar and he took it before playing the familiar notes. You watched him get lost in the moment as he sang the lyrics; you’d never seen him look so comfortable. He finished the song and looked over at you, anxiously awaiting your response. “I love it, but it doesn’t beat Imagination quite yet.”

“If you love it, then it’s good enough for my next album.”

“Your next album?” You raised your eyebrows at him, leaning in closer to him. “Guess I’ll be first in line to buy it.” Shawn leaned in closer to you, his eyes ducking down to look at your lips. You felt yourself falling closer to him when there was a sudden knock at his bedroom door.

“Oh, was I interrupting?” Aaliyah asked, biting her lip to hold back a laugh. Shawn sighed and moved away from you to glare at his sister.

“What do you want, Aaliyah?”

“Mom wanted to know how packing was going. I’ll let her know you’re preoccupied.” She bounded off down the hall despite Shawn’s calls. He nervously looked back over at you and found relief when you were blushing just as hard as he was.

“She kinda ruined it, didn’t she?” He asked sheepishly.

“Kinda.” You laughed. You could tell Shawn was attempting to work up the courage to try again when his sister came back into the room.

“Dinner’s ready.” She stated, ignoring Shawn’s death stare. He coughed awkwardly before getting up from his bed and setting his guitar down. You followed him out of the room to the dining table, where Karen and Manny were waiting.

“So, packing,” Aaliyah started, raising her eyebrows at Shawn accusingly. You let out a giggle as his blush was still very apparent.

“Yeah, I’m packing.”

“Looked like you were close to kissing Y/N.” She teased, making Shawn and her parents call out her name as a warning.

“Mom, can you make her stop?” Shawn asked, pointing to his younger sister.

“Shawn, you can’t really be that surprised. Y/N’s the first girl you’ve ever brought home, first girl you’ve even talked about.” Karen said, making you hold back a laugh.

“I’m so sorry for my family.” He stated, turning to you.

“You’ve met mine, it’s much worse.” You laughed, “Actually, you haven’t met Austin yet, have you?”

“Who’s Austin?” Manny asked.

“My older brother.” You replied. The sarcastic smile on your face told his family enough of why it was a rather good thing for Shawn to have not met him yet.

When you and Shawn returned to Taylor’s tour in East Rutherford the next day, you felt uneasy about your friendship with him. Though you’d only known each other for a short period of time, he was someone that you cherished and, ever since his room last night, you were unsure of where that left you two. It was clear that he returned the feelings, but, while getting back to the reality of the tour, you just didn’t know what to think anymore.

“I missed you.” Taylor smiled, pulling you in for a hug the second you arrived to the arena. Shawn was instantly taken away to rehearse for tonight, leaving you basically alone with your sister.

“I saw you like three days ago.” You teased.

“I can still miss you.” She replied, “What, did you not miss me?”

“Of course, I missed you.”

“Okay, I want to hear everything. Did he kiss you?” Taylor asked, a glimmer of hope in her eyes.

“Oh my god, no!” You exclaimed, embarrassed.

“So close, damn.” She shook her head at you. “Did he at least try?” You playfully shrugged your shoulders with a small smile on your face, and her eyes lit up in excitement, “Aw, he did!”

“Well, he tried twice, but his sister kept interrupting.” You stated, “But, come on, Tay, I’m not going to kiss and tell.”

“You didn’t kiss yet so,” She trailed off at the end. “Come help me pick out my outfit for tonight.” She grabbed your hands and whisked you off to her dressing room. You laughed at her lightheartedness, knowing she was just going to push you even more towards Shawn.

“Which skirt?” She held up two of her entrance skirts, one purple and one blue.

“I think blue tonight.” You said, and she nodded approvingly.

“So, I was thinking that you should ask Shawn out during my show because we both know that boy won’t do it on his own.”

“Taylor, I came to help you with fashion decisions.”

“You should know by now that that only means I’m pressuring you even more into dating Shawn.” She shrugged teasingly, sending a wink your way.

“I’ll think about it.” You told her as she went behind her curtain to change into the outfit.

“Your loss.” She stated as if it was a simple fact. You let out a small sigh, trying to decide what to do that night.

Later that night, Shawn had gotten off of the stage and Vance was now up there. Taylor was gone ‘preparing’ and so that left you with Shawn. You began to question if this was even a good idea, if he’d even say yes. You knocked nervously on Shawn’s dressing room door.

“Yeah?” He answered the door casually but then immediately stood up straighter when he realized it was you. The small change made you blush. “Oh, hi, Y/N. What’s up?”

“I was wondering if you wanted to, um, to go out and get something to eat? I’m kind of over the catered food here.” You asked. Before he replied, he blinked a few times as if trying to process that this was reality, that you were in front of him asking him out.

“Y-yeah, I’d love to. Let me grab a jacket.” He said, before shutting the door and disappearing into the room. You swore you heard a shout followed by a crash and then a swear. You were about to knock and ask if everything was okay, when he opened up the door again.

“Ready?” You asked.

“Ready.” He nodded, almost breathlessly. As you two walked down the hallways of the arena, you heard the audience grow louder, signaling that your sister had just made her way onto the stage.

“Where are we going?” Shawn asked, following you to one of the cars.

“There’s this ice cream place that’s supposed to be really good. I thought maybe we could go there.” You offered. “Is that okay?”

“That sounds great.” He replied. A member of Taylor’s security team drove you two over to the shop and kept a safe distance from the two of you. With Taylor headlining the world’s biggest tour at the moment and Shawn’s career increasing every day, security was a necessity.

“I watched your performance. You were really good.” You told him as the two of you sat down with your ice cream cones.

“Thank you. I feel more confident every time I’m up there.” Shawn said, “Taylor’s been an incredible help with everything.”

“I got lucky. She’s the best sister in the world.”

“She’s done so much for me, and she introduced me to you.” He stated, nervously scratching the back of his neck.

“Correction, you ran into me.” You teased, making him laugh, “And then I had to go talk to you first.”

“Okay, well, if it wasn’t for her, then we still wouldn’t have met.” He tried to reason with you.

“I guess you got me there.” You shrugged playfully.

The rest of the night went on with conversations being made between the two of you. When you arrived back to the arena, it was during Taylor’s encore. As the two of you walked around the halls, you noticed his hand kept brushing against yours. You were just about to confront him about it when he finally just grabbed your hand in his.

“Finally.” You let out a small laugh.

“Was that too much?” Shawn asked, ready to pull his hand away.

“No, I was just wondering how long it’d take you to finally hold my hand.” You teased him.

“Oh, so this is okay?”

“Yes, this is more than okay.” You replied, “So, since I planned the first date, does this mean you’re planning the second date?” He looked at you with a happy, yet surprised look on his face.

“Yeah, I can plan that.” Shawn smiled.

“Good, I can’t wait.” You leaned in and gave him a soft kiss on the cheek. As he stood there, flustered by your actions, Taylor came off the stage, cueing you it was time to head to the hotel.

“I’ll see you tomorrow.” You leaned in and kissed his cheek.

“See you tomorrow.” He replied, letting go of your hand as you walked away to your sister.

“Did he kiss you yet?” She teased quietly.

Part Two Part Three Part Four Part Five

~~~

Tag List: @peterparkyourassonme @someinsanefangirl @kbearr12 @learning-howto-be-myselfx3 Let me know if you’d like to be tagged

#shawn mendes #shawn mendes imagine #shawn mendes x you #shawn mendes one shot #shawn mendes x reader #shawn mendes fic #shawn mendes series #shawn mendes fanfiction

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johannesviii · 4 years

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Top 10 Personal Favorite Hit Songs from 2019

The last list, for now. It’s been a wild ride.

Not the best of these lists, but some really refreshing stuff charted that year, and what was good was super good. And also, here’s a barely elligible #1 that nobody seemed to care about for some reason.

Disclaimers:

Keep in mind I’m using both the year-end top 100 lists from the US and from France while making these top 10 things. There’s songs in English that charted in my country way higher than they did in their home countries, or even earlier or later, so that might get surprising at times.

Of course there will be stuff in French. We suck. I know. It’s my list. Deal with it.

My musical tastes have always been terrible and I’m not a critic, just a listener and an idiot.

I have sound to color synesthesia which justifies nothing but might explain why I have trouble describing some songs in other terms than visual ones.

In 2019, my finger was fixed, I dropkicked depression in the garbage bin (with a little help from Eurovision because it was super good and full of hilarious shit), got married, and went on a roadtrip on Vancouver Island (BC, Canada), and that was my first real travel in 13 years. Met a lot of great people, seen amazing places, trees, bears and whales. And planes are also part of the adventure when you’re not used to them (you can watch movies on little screens from your seat now?? I had no idea. I watched so many movies). It was very exciting.

I also saw VNV Nation live in February, for the third time in six years. This time I had enough budget to buy a tshirt. I wasn’t expecting that concert to be even better than the previous two. At that point the new album had only been out for a couple of months and we still knew the lyrics of most of the new songs and Ronan’s face was constantly broadcasting a kind of “...........how” expression (face it guys, we like you. A lot). And they finished with All Of Our Sins and let me tell you, half the club was ready to start a revolution by the time that was over. Super intense.

Ok. 2019 albums! First, let’s talk about some negative things. Coldplay released Everyday Life at the end of the year. It was... uh. It was basically how I stopped loving their new stuff. That’s a very sad conclusion (for now) to this saga. This is exactly what I feared would have happened after Viva La Vida, aka them trying to go back to their earlier sound - except in the meantime we’ve got three fantastic albums with songs full of energy and joy. So I’m not too mad about this, just disappointed.

Within Temptation released Resist, and it wasn’t very good either, but I appreciated the general aesthetic of it. More SF-themed albums in symphonic metal, please. NF released The Search and while I’m still not a fan there’s a song on it that would have been #1 on this list if it had been elligible, so that’s something. And Carly Rae Jepsen released Dedicated and it was super good so why isn’t she getting new hits. Why. It feels unfair. Oh, and Avantasia made Moonglow and that’s the first time I’ve cared about their stuff in like a decade or so. Ghost In The Moon is super good, check it out.

But the big event of the year music-wise, as far as I’m concerned, was the return of two bands I thought we had lost forever. Of course My Chemical Romance reformed, but they don’t have new music yet, so the main event for this post is the return of Tool with Fear Inoculum. It’s not even their best album, but having a pretty good new Tool album in the year of our lord 2019 wasn’t at all something I was counting on. Of course, the hardcore fans are still as insufferable as ever (insert the “you need a pretty high IQ” copypasta here), but it didn’t spoil my enjoyment of it. Come on! Their first album in 13 years! 80 minutes of hypnotic heavy rhythms and weird shit, an album that trolled me when I opened it by playing a music video while I was looking somewhere else (yeah I jumped), and they even managed to land a track for one week on the US hot 100! Again, Tool! On the hot 100! in 2019! Unbelievable. Are we starting to return to the good timeline? I certainly hope so.

Unelligible songs, now. The Search by NF would have topped this list super easily. Might be one of the songs I listened to the most in 2019, actually. Now That I Found You by Carly Rae Jepsen, again, should have been a hit, and I beg you to watch this music video if you’ve never seen it. The 1975 released the super unexpected People, which was still good, and also Frail State of Mind. And most unexpected of all, three artists I didn’t care about at all teamed up and made absolute gold: I Think I’m OKAY, by Machine Gun Kelly, YUNGBLUD and Travis Barker. That would have been the second slot on this list if it had been elligible. Or maybe the first, even? Not sure. I’m just so happy this kind of angry but uplifting music is starting to become popular again. I just love everything about this song.

Here’s a short list of honorable mentions!

Roi (Bilal Hassani) - I don’t like this song a lot, but I do like it, I’m glad it was our song for the ESC 2019, and Bilal is a very nice and endearing person, and everyone who disrespects him on twitter is free to come fight me in the pit, where I’m still waiting with that tambourine from my 1992 list.

Con Calma (Daddy Yankee, Katy Perry, Snow) - You already know I liked the original Informer a lot, so I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t pleased to hear this clone of it on the radio.

Breathin’ (Ariana Grande) - Here’s the usual “if I had better taste this would be higher” honorable mention.

Summer Days (Martin Garrix) - In the absence of any new hit song from Macklemore this will do in a pinch.

Circles (Post Malone) - The fact that everyone seems to adore this and I’m over there saying “it’s ok I guess” probably means I will never love Post Malone nor understand the hype about him, and that’s okay, I can live with that.

High Hopes (Panic! At the Disco) - Still elligible. Still good but too borderline annoying to make the list.

How Do You Sleep (Sam Smith) - This year Sam Smith pulled a Viva La Vida and decided to stop making boring music all of a sudden and I’m LIVING FOR THIS. I certainly hope they continue in that direction.

And now, the list.

10 - La Grenade (Clara Luciani)

US: Not on the list / FR: #55

The only semi-filler on the list. I still like it a lot. Don’t have anything to say about it, though.

9 - Panini (Lil Nas X)

US: #40 / FR: Not on the list

Wasn’t too impressed by this at first and it took a while to grow on me, but the chorus is a nice little earworm, and “hey panini, don’t you be a meanie” has a tendency to pop in my head when I read hateful comments on the internet now. And Lil Nas X is just too endearing to be ignored. We’re so lucky to have someone who became famous so quickly and instantly decided to dress like a Jojo character and have the geekiest music videos possible and still be super nice and humble. We don’t deserve this guy.

8 - Dance Monkey (Tones And I)

US: Not on the list / FR: #6

I’m super glad the US are finally getting on the hype train in 2020 because this is a ton of fun. If the voice was juuuuuust a little less grating this would be even higher. Impossible to get it out of your head and somehow in this case that’s a good thing.

7 - Dancing With a Stranger (Sam Smith & Normani)

US: #14 / FR: Not on the list

As I said in the honorable mentions, Sam Smith pulled a Viva La Vida and decided to stop making boring music all of a sudden and I couldn’t be happier about that. This song is still a bit too calm for my taste most of the time, but when I’m in the right mood, it’s just fantastic.

Again, I hope Sam Smith continues in that direction, because if you had told me a couple of years ago that I would start to like their stuff one day, I would have laughed out loud.

6 - Bad Guy (Billie Eilish)

US: #4 / FR: #16

Duh.

I’m not as enthusiastic about When The Party’s Over as a ton of people are, mostly because, well, it’s a slow emotional song with little to no colour in it and by now you’re already aware I tend to have next to zero interest in that kind of songs. Bad Guy, on the other hand, is half hilarious half scary in equal doses, and even if I’m not super fond of the weird outro, it’s still a fantastic, weird as shit song, and I’m really glad Billie Eilish exists. Can’t wait to see where she goes from there.

I’m super glad this song didn’t come out when I was a teenager myself though. Come to think of it, I’m not sure I would have survived if the musical landscape from 16 years ago had been as depressed as it currently is. Thank god music is slowly getting more energetic again in 2020. Let’s stay on that track.

5 - Hey Look Ma I Made It (Panic! At The Disco)

US: #61 / FR: Not on the list

I follow several music critics on youtube and over the course of 2019, I’ve seen undiluted vitriol and hatred against this song (Spectrum Pulse even made a list of his “worst hit songs” of the decade and put this one at #10! TEN!!). And... I don’t really get where it’s coming from? Maybe I’m too literal-minded to see what the problem is with a sarcastic song saying “look I sold out and now I found success again! And it’s not that great!”. I just think it’s a lot of fun. Thank god Todd put it on his best list, at least we can agree on one thing for once.

It is hilarious that after putting so many Fall Out Boy songs on my lists, the one that I love the most from Panic! is the sellout song. Not sure why this was huge while the even better Say Amen wasn’t, though.

4 - Sunflower (Swae Lee & Post Malone)

US: #2 / FR: Not on the list

I usually don’t get the “chill” songs that tend to be successful these days but this one, unlike most Post Malone songs (bar Circles), has lovely pastel colors and a cloudy texture and it’s a really good vibe. It took several months to grow on me but it sure did.

In about ten years, people will listen to Sunflower and be submerged by nostalgia, mark my words.

3 - Old Town Road (Lil Nas X)

US: #1 / FR: #1 (see, everyone agrees for once)

Everyone on the planet already wrote a thinkpiece about this song and yet I’ve only seen maybe one out of five mentioning, just in passing, that the entire song is based on a Nine Inch Nail track from Ghosts I-IV, superbly re-used to make a weird and insanely catchy country hip hop song out of it. Ghosts has been one of my go-to albums to listen to while I’m painting for about ten years now. I’m saying all this because hearing a track from Ghosts on the radio for months was absolute bliss for me, especially in a new and improved version.

Thank you Lil Nas X for everything you’ve been doing and I wish you a long and successful career. You deserve it. I love this and I love you.

2 - Bury A Friend (Billie Eilish)

US: #73 / FR: Not on the list

Hello again, Billie Eilish.

This song is absolutely terrifying and that was before I even saw the music video. This is the soundtrack of your nightmares right there. I’m not even sure it deserves to be so high on the list, but frankly I’m too terrified to care. Maybe Old Town Road should be higher. I don’t know.

Also you have to know that when I’m super tired I go into echolalia mode and automatically repeat words or entire sentences that my brain considers interesting, like “potiron” (pumpkin) or “dramatique” ; and recently, my brain decided “when we all fall asleep, where do we go?”, sung exactly like it’s sung in this song, was its new favorite sentence. So. Hearing yourself saying that to an empty room while you’re drawing or folding clothes or cleaning plates is not a very pleasant experience, and it makes this song extra scary to me.

And now, here’s the last #1 of the last one of these lists (for now), and I’m glad to announce it closes this series of posts in a super fitting way.

Check this out. It’s so perfect in every way.

1 - Walk Me Home (Pink)

US: #99 / FR: Not on the list

Nobody seemed to care about this song over the course of 2019, and it's barely elligible, and I still have no idea why. The music reviewers I follow only either talked about it super briefly when it came out, or not at all. The rare ones who were making top 100s at the end of the year instead of top 10s usually put it somewhere in the middle of their lists. And yet it’s the elligible song I’ve listened to the most.

If you’ve been reading this series of posts for a while now, you probably already know exactly why it’s here, but here’s a quick recap.

The second album I ever bought in my life was Pink’s Missundaztood in 2002, and I loved her music a lot:

I was still really fond of her stuff in 2007:

Then she started to become less interesting and I basically ignored her apart from a brief blip on my radar in 2017:

Meanwhile, in 2012, fun. made some of the best songs of the entire decade before vanishing instantly, and I’ve been mourning them ever since:

And in the middle of last year, here I am, listening to the radio, and suddenly I hear something that sounds exactly like a fun. song, except I’ve never heard it before and it’s sung by a female singer, and, most importantly, it’s 2019 and fun. broke up more than six years earlier. And I’m like, what’s going on. This is so good. What the hell. What is this.

And I hear it a second time weeks later, and I google it, and I discovered that 1) it was Pink singing this, which made it my favorite Pink song in literally more than ten years, and 2) it was, indeed, written by one of the guys from fun., among other people who’s influence is less obvious.

I guess the main lesson from 2019, between newcomers making great music based on dead trends, old groups reforming, and this song, is that nothing’s gone forever, and things you used to enjoy can come back at the most unexpected time and in the most unexpected form.

There’s always, always gonna be new music to love, and it’s just a question of time.

Quick note

And with this, these lists are over... for now.

I don’t regret making them even if they were a ton of work, because that was super useful for a lot of different reasons.

They helped me get a better understanding of my own life’s chronology. That may sound stupid but I tend to link events to the music I was listening to at the time, and putting all that music in chronological order helped a lot.

I rediscovered a ton of songs I had completely forgotten about, and a lot of new ones. My playlist is much richer now and I’m happy about that.

I also discovered a few artists I knew nothing about.

It forced me to analyse two depressive episodes in my life and just because everything was now in exact chronological order, it accidentally helped me pinpoint what caused both of them. Better and cheaper than therapy. Impressive.

It made me realise how important some bands and artists had been in my life, and I relistened to some of their catalogue while making these lists. For some it was really obvious (Indochine, Placebo, Mylène Farmer, My Chemical Romance among some others), and for some others (Moby, Linkin Park, Mika in particular), it was a real surprise.

It made me realise that Placebo might have been huge in France but weirdly enough not that huge in the UK nor in the US. It’s especially striking when you look at their wikipedia page in English then in French and realise how detailed the French one is compared to the English one. Can’t believe Sleeping With Ghosts was a n°1 album here and basically nowhere else. That was the band where that discrepency was the most obvious but it wasn’t the only one like that. Really puts stuff in perspective.

It also helped me realise how cyclical popular music is. 1) trends tend to die near the end of every decade and the worst year is usually somewhere between the 8th and the 9th year. 2008 and 2018 tend to confirm this. 2) For the same reason, some new & interesting stuff appears at the beginning of every decade, and reaches its high point of quality between the 2nd and 4th year of the decade. 3) Basically I’m saying we’ve now passed the lowest musical quality in recent memory and 2022-2023 will have some exceptional music.

See you in December 2020. I have no doubt there’s a ton of great music coming up in the near future.

#Johannes’ bad not good pretty terrible music lists #music #long post #the last one #I can't believe this is over #I loved making these lists #spider tw #eye contact tw

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gundamthey17 · 5 years

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How to write a fear of heights

by an actual scared of heights person!

Okay, here’s the deal. I’m sick of seeing fear of heights portrayed completely inaccurately in movies, books, basically everything ever. So hopefully this little guide will be helpful to anyone looking to write a character with this phobia.

What it isn’t: It isn’t vertigo. Vertigo is a feeling of dizziness or loss of balance, which can be a symptom of acrophobia (more on that below), but it isn’t the same as acrophobia itself. I’m assuming this confusion comes from the Hitchcock movie, where the main character suffers vertigo as a result of his acrophobia.

It isn’t aerophobia, which is the technical name for fear or flying/being in planes (lookin’ at you, Minyard). A person can have both, but they don’t have to. In my case, I’m perfectly fine with flying. Why? No clue. Phobias are by definition irrational, they don’t have to make sense. More on that later.

It isn’t rational. The relative amount of security often has little effect on how scared a person is. (Obviously if it’s up high and unsafe, it’s going to be scarier.) Wall climbing/ropes courses, ziplines, roller coasters, all these things are more or less just as scary to me as being in a really tall building, the nosebleed section of a stadium, or balcony seats in a theatre. It doesn’t matter that I’m fully safe in a harness, or behind a railing, or in a building. And reminding me how safe I am isn’t going to help, it’s just going to annoy me.

What it is: Acrophobia is, quite simply, the extreme and/or irrational fear of heights. People experience this in a range of intensity. For some, it’s only an issue on the top floor of a skyscraper. For others, even standing on a chair is terrifying. Relative height does matter, but only to an extent. The eighth floor is scarier than the second (the second is still scary), but at some point it all becomes the same terrifying sensation. It’s like I hit full on panic, and there’s nowhere left for me to escalate. If the 15th floor makes me feel like I’m gonna die, the 30th floor literally can’t be any worse. Additionally, the perception of how high I am matters. If I’m in a skyscraper, but I’m in a room with no windows, I’m probably fine. If I’m in an open-layout building looking over the second floor railing, I’m pretty freaked. That said, your body can to some extent, sense how high you are, so it isn’t always possible to trick yourself into not being scared.

Symptoms: A person can experience a variety of physical and mental symptoms when they are put in a situation that triggers their acrophobia. Not everyone experiences all these symptoms, and they don’t necessarily experience them all at once.

Vertigo – a feeling of loss of balance

Lightheadedness/dizziness – different from vertigo, this is the feeling that you are about to pass out

Shortness of breath

Hyperventilation

Shaking/trembling

Crying

Panic attack – kind of a combination of all of these symptoms; the person will likely be hard to console, having a hard time breathing, lightheaded (as a result of feeling like they can’t breathe), shaking, etc.

Behaviors: How a person with acrophobia may react to being up high.

Get low – We often experience the urge to lower our center of gravity, and may crouch or sit on the ground to feel better

Hold onto something – An inner wall or railing is best, something solid that is away from edges or windows. Holding onto a person works, but isn’t ideal, because the person can move. A railing/wall/window that is on the outside might work, but conflicts with the next point…

Avoid the edge/windows/etc – See the above note on the perception of height. The further back you are, the more secure you can make yourself feel. (For example, I once stayed on the 20-something floor of a hotel with floor-to-ceiling windows, and I stayed at least 2 feet away from the windows the entire time.) This may create dissonance with the need to hold onto something, if the only option is a window or railing on the edge. I have dealt with this by reaching out to hold the railing, but leaning my body inward, away from the edge, as much as possible. It looks ridiculous, but it helps a little.

Close your eyes – Again, this has to do with perception. If I can’t see how high up I am, I might feel a little better. (But as stated above, your body can often sense how high up you are, so you might still be scared.)

Things we won’t do: I’m sorry, but the trope of an acrophobic person going someplace high because they feel depressed or despondent is just not true, at least in my experience. All that’s going to do is make me sad and panicky. (I can’t begin to list all the places I’ve seen this trope. Venom is probably the most recent – although the rest of the movie handled Eddie’s acrophobia fairly well.) (Andrew gets a pass on this one because he’s got Issues.)

Potential triggers: Here is a brief and certainly not exhaustive list of places/situations that trigger my acrophobia. Some of these are obvious, but some you may not have considered.

Ladders

Balconies

Stadiums

Wall climbing/ropes courses/rock climbing

Ziplines

Ski lifts (up high and it’s moving and there’s nothing holding you in place are you fucking serious)

Bridges (This can be anything from the Golden Gate Bridge to the highway overpass. Walking is worse than driving, but just because you’re in a car doesn’t mean you won’t be scared. I had a panic attack on the bridge from Detroit to Canada, and I was the one driving.)

Amusement park rides (Not just roller coasters, although those are awful. The Ferris Wheel is literal torture. The London Eye? No thank you.)

Escalators

Glass elevators (whose dumbass idea was that, for the love of God)

And because I think it’s counterintuitive and weird, my list of activities that I’ll never do in order from least to most terrifying is: Skydiving, bungee jumping, hot air balloon. Yes, that’s right, a hot air balloon ride is one of the scariest things I can possibly imagine and my stomach hurts just thinking about it.

Avoidance: Obviously facing your fears can be good, and exposure therapy is a thing, but just like any other phobia, most people with acrophobia take steps to avoid the triggering situations above. This includes:

Picking seats that are lower/closer in a theatre or stadium - I am forever weighing the cost of seats vs how uncomfortable I’m going to be. It’s worth paying a little more if being up too high is going to make me too scared to even enjoy the show.

Excuses – Saying that you get motion sick, or even that you just don’t like rides, in order to not go on them without looking like a coward in front of your friends

Honesty/asking for help – Sometimes I just have to swallow my pride. I have no qualms asking coworkers to climb a ladder for me, simply stating that “I don’t like ladders” or “I don’t like heights”. If I know I’m going to be facing a triggering situation, I’ll usually tell my friends beforehand so that they know what to expect

Things to remember: Be supportive of your acrophobic friends. Let them hold your hand/arm/backpack if they need to. Let them close their eyes. Comfort them without saying “but you’re totally safe!” (Try “I’m right here. I won’t let go of you.”) Additionally, just like any panic attack, it won’t last forever. I can and do acclimate to triggering situations, like balcony seats, if I’m there long enough. Eventually the panic subsides and you calm down. (Standing up or moving too much can trigger it again, so once I’m calm I’m probably going to stay put as much as I can.) And at the end of the day, it is “just” a phobia. We may freak out a bit, but we’re used to it, and as long as we aren’t in genuine danger, we’ll be fine.

Hopefully this is helpful to someone. I would love to see more accurate portrayals of this common phobia!

#stuff i say #long post #writing #fear of heights #acrophobia #fanfic #venom #aftg #andrew minyard #reference

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notthecanadianaverage · 5 years

Note

for the 50 questions, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5 ,6 ,7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35, 36, 37, 38, 39, 40, 41, 42, 43, 44, 45, 46, 47, 48, 49, and 50 :)

LET’S DO THIS

1. What’s your favorite candle scent?

Honestly? I’m a basic bitch xD I love vanilla scented anything. Wooden wicks are the BEST. I want to find a candle that smells like fresh cut grass and a candle that smells like lumber. Those two scents, especially together, remind me of my grandpa who worked in a lumber yard and repaired lawn mowers. I treasure those memories so much omg.

2. What female celebrity do you wish was your sister?

Does Amethyst count? I actually don’t know xD I honestly can’t even think of any celebrities that I like??? I’ll say Jenna Marbles!

3. What male celebrity do you wish was your brother?

Again, I’m not really someone who goes nuts over celebrities, heh. I don’t know how to answer this D:

4. How old do you think you’ll be when you get married?

I mean, I’m 22 now and my fingers are crossed that it will happen soonish. The boyfriend lives in California and I think it might make things easier if we get married? Then he can come here!

5. Do you know a hoarder?

I don’t think so??? I mean I could be wrong.

6. Can you do a split?

I have tried for YEARS and I CANNOT DO IT ASLAJBODUBFODSUFNODSUBFLJDBFUBEF I FUCKING WISH I COULD

7. How old were you when you learned how to ride a bike?

Fuck if I know... Damn... I remember learning when I was... I think I was... 4? Maybe? I was super young.

8. How many oceans have you swam in?

I’ve only seen one ocean, the Pacific Ocean. I don’t know if I’ve swam in it, though. I know I’ve touched it and waded in it a little, but I don’t know if I’ve actually gone swimming...

9. How many countries have you been to?

2! Just Canada and the US. I’ve always wanted to go to England and Indonesia, though! I love Harry Potter, I always have (fucking fight me) and I decided when I was little that England was a must for me, that I had to go see Hogwarts. And Indonesia, my inner volcanologist NEEDS to go! That’s where my favourite volcano, Krakatoa, is located.

10. Is anyone in your family in the army?

I hope not! I don’t think so. Or... Maybe? I think my cousin Austin is. I don’t know. I don’t remember the last time I saw him. We don’t really talk about him? My boyfriends dad was, though. That’s all I know.

11. What would you name your daughter if you had one?

OO OO OO!!!! So, my boyfriend and I have discussed this! I have a set of dog tags that I always wear that have our names and our kids names on them! We want two girls who will be named Raven Zaidee Trujillo and Dexter Rosie Trujillo. Dexter’s middle name was originally going to be Bonnuit (French for good night) but one of his best friends was sadly murdered earlier this year and he wanted to honor her memory.

12. What would you name your son if you had one?

ANOTHER QUESTION I AM EXCITED TO ANSWER!!!!! Our little boys name is going to be Blade Wayne Trujillo!!! I’ve always had a thing for the name Blade and Wayne was his dads middle name.

13. What’s the worst grade you got on a test?

Ffffffff I can’t even remember what I did yesterday... Um, I think it was a flat out 0 because I didn’t even do the test. It was a physics test. I was scared of the student aid lady at school so I never switched out of physics and I literally used that block to sleep and play on my phone. I never even showed up to write the exam.

14. What was your favorite TV show when you were a child?

Sailor Moon!!! I fucking LOVED that show!!!! I also loved Little Bear :D When I was 12, though, I was OBSESSED with this show called Disasters of the Century. It was a documentary style tv show about natural disasters and plane and train crashes and it was SO COOL. I LOVED IT SO MUCH. I used to wake up extra early before school just to watch!!

15. What did you dress up as on Halloween when you were eight?

Ummm…. I think I was a ninja? I remember I wore my karate gi out one year. I lived in Alberta at the time so there was like 2 or 3 feet of snow on the ground so I had to wear a snowsuit under my costume which was a HUGE disappointment because I was turned into a marshmallow rather than a ninja. Either that or I was Harry Potter. It was great! People always asked me though if I would rather be Hermione because I was a girl and my parents essentially told them to fuck off because I was HARRY FUCKING POTTER.

16. Have you read any of the Harry Potter, Hunger Games or Twilight series?

YES. My apartment is almost entirely Harry Potter. I have an Expecto Patronum tattoo and my ratty memorial tattoo on my leg is also Harry Potter. I am a diehard fan until the end. Fucking fight me. I also read and own the Hunger Games trilogy. Such good books omg. I was in the Amazing Book Race club in school and one year we had to read The Hunger Games and we even did a book trailer for it! I still have it! We showed my boyfriend when he came out in April xD The books are MUCH better than the movies.

17. Would you rather have an American accent or a British accent?

British! Does my Harry Potter loving ass need to say more?

18. Did your mother go to college?

I don’t think so? I’m not sure. I don’t know if anyone in my family has.

19. Are your grandparents still married?

Kind of? Not really. My Papa passed away from lung cancer in 2010.

20. Have you ever taken karate lessons?

Yes xD I started when I was 5 and I stopped when I was 13 I think? I got injured in a biking accident and had to leave. I was going to go back but as I was getting ready to, I got a really bad knee injury and I just haven’t been back. I really want to go back, though! It was fun and I don’t get nearly enough exercise.

21. Do you know who Kermit the frog is?

I sure as fuck hope I do!

22. What’s the first amusement park you’ve been to?

I think it was Playland, my parents would have taken me when I Was super young. But the first amusement park I remember going to is Callaway Park in Alberta. I loved that place! I remember throwing a temper tantrum because my dad told the lady was 6 when I was actually 8 and I LOST MY MIND.

23. What language, besides your native language, would you like to be fluent in?

Any language! I speak French but I would love to learn Michif which is the native language of Metis people as I am Metis c:

24. Do you spell the color as grey or gray?

I think I alternate, actually xD

25. Is your father bald?

Yes, he is!

26. Do you know triplets?

I was about to say no, but I think I met triplet babies once who I may or may not be distantly related to? I’m not actually sure anymore.

27. Do you prefer Titanic or The Notebook?

I’ve never actually seen either! I feel like the Titanic would be a no go for me, though, because I have issues with big boats and the fact that it’s real fucks me up and also James Cameron almost killed his cast by actually making them sit in ice cold water for the sake of hard nipples and realism????

28. Have you ever had Indian food?

I have had very badly made butter chicken once. It was so bad, WAY too much curry. And I think my boyfriend and I once ordered from an Indian restaurant. I ordered from the kids menu because that was the only place where there was non-spicy options xD

29. What’s the name of your favorite restaurant?

Umm... Hmm... White Spot? Maybe... But I also enjoy El Grullesays Grill... I slaughtered that name ;_; It’s a Mexican restaurant in California that serves meaty fries! God I miss meaty fries... They’re like nacho fries! They have mozzarella cheese, sour cream, green onions, and shredded steak :3

30. Have you ever been to Olive Garden?

I actually don’t know. I think maybe? But I was too young to remember it. I think I’ve gotten leftovers, though, from when my grandma went.

31. Do you belong to any warehouse stores (Costco, BJ’s, etc.)?

I’m too broke for that shit ._____.

32. What would your parents have named you if you were the opposite gender?

Pfft beats the fuck outta me. We never talked about that.

33. If you have a nickname, what is it?

Bug!

34. Who’s your favorite person in the world?

Honestly? My boyfriend xD He is one of the very few people in this world who doesn’t tolerate me because he loves and embraces all of my weirdness xD Him and G are my favourite peeps.

35. Would you rather live in a rural area or in the suburbs?

I actually can never remember which is which and I mean, I’m not picky. As long as people leave me alone and I’m in a safe area, I’m happy xD

36. Can you whistle?

Yes! Can you hear me? I’m doing it!

37. Do you sleep with a nightlight?

I do not. I used to want to when I was little. I have one in my bathroom, though.

38. Do you eat breakfast every morning?

Pfft. No. I’m not a breakfast person. I work nights so I get home at 7 in the morning so if I eat before I go to bed, no joke, I will just make a box of macaroni.

39. Do you take any pills or medication daily?

I do! I take medication for my ADHD so that I don’t eat everything in my apartment and I can function somewhat normally.

40. What medical conditions do you have?

I am ADHD, I struggle with depression (it’s not nearly as bad as it use to be luckily), anxiety, I suspect BPD. I have a few joint injuries that will never really properly heal but other than that, nothing.

41. How many times have you been to the hospital?

Hehehe…. Um… For me? Food poisoning… injuries… suicide attempts… hmmm… 11 or 12 times? All but one in the last 10 years. What can I say, I’m clumsy as fuck xD

42. Have you ever seen Finding Nemo?

Yes! I love that movie!!

43. Where do you buy your jeans?

Pennington’s. I am THICC. It’s the only place I can get jeans that fit without destroying what little confidence I have. Sadly though they are NOT cheap so I currently only own 2 pairs that fit me and the thighs on both are destroyed so they are being held together by denim patches from an old pair of shorts, fabric glue and some mediocre hand stitching.

44. What’s the last compliment you got?

I have vibrantly coloured hair. Right now, it’s green. I’ve had very brightly coloured hair since I was 15 I think? My natural colour is brown. I’ve only had brown hair once since I started dying it and that was when I went to go visit my boyfriend for the first time because he had never seen me with my natural colour. I just said that I looked weird with brown hair and he said “No, you look incredible.”

45. Do you usually remember your dreams in the morning?

Hmm, sometimes. Most of the time, I do. Been having a lot of nightmares and stress dreams lately, though, so I wish I didn’t...

46. What flavor tea do you enjoy?

I absolutely prefer herbal teas. My favourite is Just Peachy from DavidsTea!! I also REALLY love White Peach omg

47. How many pairs of shoes do you currently own?

Ahh…. Hmm…. I have… 8 or 9? I think? I’m not home so I can’t check.

48. What religion will you raise your children to practice?

None. I grew up Atheist. I knew of religion, obviously. My grandma is religious. But I just never understood it. My understanding was that there was a God and that he lived in the clouds and I remember looking at the sky one day and there were no clouds and I was concerned. I also didn’t understand Heaven or Hell because neither have been seen and the lack of tangibility fucked with me so hard. My grandpa got really sick in 2009, he had lung cancer. I remember when he was in the hospital I really tried to look for something, anything, to turn to for comfort because everything was falling apart around me. He unfortunately passed away and I was angry because if God is real and if he actually loved us, why would he let us suffer the way that he did, the way that I was. How dare he?! That was honestly the last straw for me. If my children want to explore religion or they want to go to church and see what it’s all about, I will absolutely support them in doing so, but I will not raise them in any specific religion.

49. How old were you when you found out that Santa wasn’t real?

That was something I just kind of grew out of. I was never exclusively told that any of that was fake. I actually have a memory from when I was 3 or 4 of sneaking out of my room really late at night and peeking into the living room where I could hear my parents talking and I saw Santa and Mrs. Clause? I also remember one Christmas night where I couldn’t sleep (this is when I was maybe 10 now) so I was watching the snow fall outside and seeing if I could spot Santa in the sky when I heard someone walking in the hall. I lived in a bit of an abusive household so I had learned what everyone’s footsteps sounded like and the footsteps were heavy, MUCH heavier than my dads (who was very overweight at the time), it definitely wasn’t my Uncle, and they were wearing shoes (or boots). I was too scared to go look outside while they walked away but after the house was quiet again, I checked, and my stocking was outside my door, so I still don’t know how to explain that...

50. Why do you have a youtube?

AHAHAHA SHAMELESS SELF PROMOTION!!!! I obviously have my personal YouTube but I don’t generally post anything, I just use it to watch shit. BUT MY OTHER YOUTUBE… I use YouTube @RatPotatoez to post videos of my rats! I will also soon use it to post my podcasts!!! RatPotatoez can also be found on Facebook, Instagram, SnapChat, Vent, basically everywhere! You should go follow me everywhere so you can see the cuteness that is my rats c:

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dreamerology · 7 years

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anon…..…u asked for it heres 1.2k on Some of the reasons why i love minhyuk :((

oh my gosh i dont even know where to startdsjfgjdfj i guess i’ll talk abt what i was gonna talk abt the other night which is how minhyuk is literally made for the stage?????????????? he looks so Alive whenever hes on stage…..he just glows and hes so happy and ecstatic and his eyes sparkle a bit more and u can just tell how happy he is to be there!!!!!!!!! like the fancam of the rush comeback stage where he smile the whole time? GOOD SHIT!!!! u can just see how much he loves it!!! he gets like. Extra Confident when he’s performing……sometimes he just goes tf off,,,hes so dangerous he truly thrives on stage and i love it. i cant wait until they come to canada and minhyuk kills me behind a tim hortons

i cant believe im abt to expose myself but also i feel like i might have talk abt this before kskjdfhksjdhf do u wanna hear abt the worst thing thats ever happened to me and im never gonna be allowed to live it down?? so…….i associate minhyuk, the human personification of the sun, with the colour yellow ofc right….this took place like when the teasers for beautiful were dropping i went on a trip and i Cannot handle plane rides i get motion sickness nd claustrophobic mixed w the usual anxiety so its always a bad time. Anyways i had taken not only gravol (which my friend calls me a lightweight……half of one can knock me Out usually but it wasn’t working so i took a full one) but i also took ativan when i started to have a panic attack like half way through the flight…..I WAS SOOOO OUT OF IT THAT NIGHTJHSDJFH BUT so we got to the place we were staying and i go to my room and the bed sheets were yellow dsjfhdsfhj so i started texting my friend (who knows nothing abt kpop) abt how it was a sign and mh was watching over me dsfjhsdjfhkjhdfh bc clearly yellow = minhyuk. i passed out right after that i forgot everything abt that night until i got home like a week later and she brought it up and i had no memory of it djfshdjfhsjfhsdh that was months ago and she still teases me abt it i hate me dkhsdjhfkjhdfkhd

anyways minhyuk is the literal sun???? ? hes always positive and happy and just the complete opposite of me in every way tbh,,,,i just rly love that abt him like no matter how many things get him down hes able to get back up and try again and keep going and keep a positive attitude and i know ive said this before but he genuinely inspires me to be a better person…..like im such a pessimistic person but i wanna be able to be more positive and radiate warmth he Never fails to cheer me up like watching videos of him being bubbly nd happy makes me so happy!!!!!!!!!!!!! I hope hes able to feel that happiness forever he deserves every second of it!!!! i feel like it has to be tiring being that positive for that long but somehow he does it and it amazes me??? his personality was the first thing to draw me too him….its true opposites attract

AND OH MY GOD HES SO CARING!!!!! like it sorta goes w the positive attitude but hes so observant of the others nd makes sure theyre ok and he’ll make sure theyre included nd hes just a pillar of support for them!!!!!!!!!!!! i love family!!!!! i remember wonho saying he wasnt confident enough in himself and he didn’t feel comfortable unless minhyuk was next to him :((((( and half the time he wouldnt even have to say anything minhyuk would be the first to approach him and ask if he was ok nd offer comfort and :(( it just makes my heart rly warm. like he makes sure hes there for the others and makes sure theyre comfortable enough to approach him and is just there to love and support them… i love a caring man :((( reason number 3532 why minhyuk makes me want to b a better person!!!!

also i absolutely adore how goofy he is sjfhksjdfhjdsdf hes like literally a 5 yr old……what a fool i love him. one of the things in the beginning that i found rly…..endearing??? thats not the right word but i can’t rly think of it rn is that fuckigndsfjhs dolphin noise/high pitched squeal he makes when he gets rly excited sdkfhskjdfh s like its????? So Cute idk why its also hilarious and literally never fails to make me laugh but….yeah i love it hes so weird. and yeah hes smart but that boy can say some of the Dumbest shit dskfjhdkjfhksdhfjh anyways im gonna just leave it at that for now but yeah. hes so funnie he always makes me laugh and cheers me up!!!

i saved the best for last (not that this is a complete list but….i doubt anyones actually gonna read all this to begin w so….ill shut up after this but. this is my fave thing abt him i think) I COULD RLY TALK ABT THIS FOR HOURS BUT. his voice!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Oh ym god my favorite sound it the world!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (mayb only second to his laugh which. Dont even get me started i could write an another entire essay just on his laugh n smile) ANYWAYS HIS VOICE…it was the first one i was able to pick out when i first got into mx. its rly distinct and its just. So Calming to listen to?????? like idk if its weird but a lot of the time if im rly anxious or cant sleep i’ll just listen to some of his solo vlives…..like his voice is rly pretty and i could listen to him talk for hours. he can be so Loud sometimes but it can also b rly soft when hes not yellingjghjshdjfh and no offence but he’s rly got the prettiest singing voice too…..not 2 b biased but hes got the best voice in mx?????? god idk if its bc im fuck deep in l*ve but lately whenever one of his lines comes on it just knocks the breath out of me!!!!!!!!!! i just,,,,immediately start tearing tf up whenever i hear his voice now!!!!!!!!! hes improved so much its so crazy to hear??? like rewatching no mercy u can just Hear how much his vocals has improved…like he was good back then but now!!!!!!!! holy fuck i love a man hes so talented and hes got the most beautiful voice in the world. also in this vlive when he was just singing along or humming it after without the lyrics……i love a man my heart is so warm nd soft hes so cute :((

this isnt even half of it i didn’t talk abt his smile or his laugh!!!!!! or how cute his ears are or how much he loves mbb or how cute he looks in a hat or glasses or how humble he is or how full of love he is and how he never misses a chance to shower his members in love :(( hes so sweet i love him so big im gonna shut up and go now i cant believe i just wrote 1.2k on why i love lee minhyuk the Actual Angel instead of writing my paperdsfjdhsjfs it b like that sometimes

if u actually read all this sappy rambling………id die for u

#IM SO SORRY IF UR ON MOBILEIJFDJSHKJGHDJ #oh my god i didjnt mean for it to get this long wtf #This anon is why i dont talk abt my biases dksjfhkfjhdf i never know when to Shut Up #i was gonna do them togther but i guess ill make a seperate one for kihyun later tonight i need to go do some homwork now #💌

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winglesscrows · 5 years

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Power to Perform ch. 2

Chapter 1 I 2 I 3 I 4 I 5

Yuri!!! on ICE I T I Yuri P. & Victor & Yuuri I 17k WIP

"Yuri could have cried at the music choice. He could have cried tears of actual joy. Unless Viktor was playing an evil prank on him (which was unlike at best), Yuri would be skating his short program to his favorite rock song by his favorite artist. Viktor’s smug smile at Yuri’s expression (which he himself couldn’t quite tell what was, as he was both surprised, happy, in disbelief and actually floating on a cloud at the same time) told Yuri that this was definitely his music, and when Viktor stopped the song, he honestly had to stop himself from just dropping to his knees and thanking him for the wonderful music choice."

In the summer before the Olympic season, Viktor presents to Yuri a short program which end up being the cause of drama, fights, blood, sweat and tears - and that is all quite literal.

Read on AO3 I Patreon I FF.net or under cut

2. skating skills

Yuri sank into his seat and looked out of the small plane window. Even though Celestino mainly coached in Thailand these days, the training camp took place in Detroit - at Yuuri’s old training facilities. Yuuri had made sure to give Yuri a list of all the best restaurants, while Phichit had provided a list of the best entertainment places - all suited towards minors of course. Yuri hated that he couldn’t fault Phichit for that, as he had (by American law) been a minor all the years he had lived there. A quick scan of the list told Yuri that he wouldn’t be going to any of the places, and if Phichit or anyone else tried to invite him, he would fight his way out of it.

Spending two weeks in America was not the worst thing Yuri could think of - but it wasn’t the best either. Skating aside, he had to endure Phichit for a full week. Yuri could honestly say that he had all the respect in the world for Yuuri, because if Yuri thought a week was hard, then how on earth had Yuuri lived with him for two years? It truly was a mystery to him as to how they got along so well. At least when Yuuri was sober. He imagined that Phichit and drunk Yuuri were quite the duo.

But even Phichit was preferable, hell, even desirable, in contrast to the other evil. JJ. And he would be there throughout the entire camp. Yuri sank a little further down in his seat. Both Leo and Guang-Hong were attending the training camp as well - according to Yuuri they always did - and Yuri quite liked Guang-Hong. They’d met quite often in junior competitions, and had turned senior the same year. They rarely spoke, but they tended to drift towards each other, especially when they had both first turned junior and their English had been rocky at best. It had been comfortable to have someone close who was just as confused as yourself.

Another horrible thing about this training camp was that Yuri would miss the first couple of days of Yakov’s summer camp. The camp itself was irrelevant, but Otabek - the one skater (other than Yuuri) that he actually liked talking to - was attending, and Yuri would be stuck in America with fucking JJ. It truly was unfair. Of course, when Yuri had told Otabek that he’d be in America, Otabek had tried to convince him that JJ wasn't’ that bad. Yuri had promptly blocked him for the remainder of the day for such insolence.

Yuuri put on the music for his short program as the plane took off. If he had to attend this training camp, he might as well make the most of it, and as he listened to his music over and over again, never once tiring of hearing it, he began thinking about the small details he could incorporate into it to make this song his own. It was the challenge Viktor had set him, and Yuri wasn’t done growing.

Yuri had been very careful to not let Phichit figure out when he was landing, because he did not need to be picked up by him. If Phichit was only giving him a ride to the hotel he would be staying at, then it would have been fine as it would have saved him the money of a cab ride, but Yuri knew Phichit. Before going to the hotel, Phichit would drag him somewhere, and then they’d run into some fans - and most of Yuri’s fans were actually crazy - which they wouldn’t be able to get out of ever, and Yuri just wasn’t in the mood for any of that (and honestly he never was). So Yuri carefully navigated the airport by himself, making sure to keep his hood up, whenever it didn’t seem suspicious, and generally avoiding getting recognized.

He managed to make it all the way to the taxi stand having only signed one autograph for a cashier who had recognized him as he was buying a cute cool tiger keychain that had caught his eye, and relaxed as soon as he was on his way to the hotel.

With half an hour to kill, he opened his phone and looked through the barrage of messages, he received as he disabled flight mode. There was one from Yakov, asking if he’d landed in Detroit yet, and Yurio send a cat emoji as a confirmation (Yakov didn’t have emojis on his phone, so the square box that would appear instead was sure to confuse him). There was also a message from Yuuri asking the same question, and for him Yuri send a short video of the fading airport. He also promised to say hi to Phichit for him. From Otabek there was a cat video with the message: for when you land in Detroit, because Otabek knew how little Yurio was looking forward to it. And then there was Mila who had sent him a picture of a special brand of chocolate which she wanted him to buy for her. Yuri put in his notes that he should get her a rip-off brand, because when she had last gone to Canada, she hadn’t bought the candy that Yuri had requested she get for him, and Yuri was nothing if not petty and full of spite.

As it turned out, the only bliss to be found was the taxi ride, because as Yuri set foot in the hotel’s lobby, the first person he saw was JJ’s fiancée, Isabella.

“Yuri!” She greeted, and Yuri didn’t hide his frown, “I didn’t know you would be here as well!” She was always super cheerful and sociable, and with her good looks and sweet personality, Yuri would never understand why she had chosen to marry someone like JJ. She could have chosen probably anyone, and yet here she was, having made the worst mistake of her life.

“Well, I am,” Yuri said and trotted past her to check in. If she was in the lobby by herself, then JJ was soon to come and if he could avoid JJ, then he would. Unfortunately, he wasn’t so lucky.

“If it isn’t Yuri!” JJ’s voice boomed from the other end of the lobby, and Yuri had fight to not yell something at him as he was giving the receptionist his information, “Want to come to lunch with us?”

“No,” Yuri growled, and then quickly thanked the startled receptionist as he got the keys.

“Well, we’re going to spend the whole training camp together, so we should get to know each other better,” JJ reasoned, and Yuri turned around to face him.

“I already know enough about you, thanks,” he said with fake politeness in his voice, and then promptly turned around, got on an elevator, leaving behind the engaged couple.

The skaters attending the training camp were supposed to meet up at the rink at ten in the morning, and Yuri hoped that he could avoid people until then. By now he should have known better.

“Yurio!” Phichit sang as he pulled Yuri into a hug. He had barely stepped foot outside of his hotel room, so Yuri could only assume that Phichit had been waiting to ambush him.

“That’s not my name,” Yuri said in response, already having accepted that Phichit would keep on calling him Yurio, but it was worth a try.

“Eh? But that’s so confusing,” Phichit whined, “And Yurio suits you.”

Yuri rolled his eyes, and wanted to retort, but Phichit took him by the wrist and dragged him along. Yuri hoped they were going to breakfast because if he was busy stuffing his face, then less conversation was required.

Phichit did drag him to breakfast and Yuri was quite happy to see that they would be eating with Leo and Guang-Hong (possibly the only sane people attending this training camp), and while Yuri was somehow forced to sit beside Phichit at their four-man table, he still only made conversation with the Chinese skater, who had always been easy to talk to.

“Do you know what we’re gonna do today?” Yuri asked Guang-Hong half-way through breakfast, seeing as Yuri was the only one around the table who had never once attended Celestino’s training camp.

“Oh, you don’t know?” Phichit joined in and Yuri rolled his eyes.

“I didn’t ask you,” he said not quite as angrily as he would have had Guang-Hong not been there. The Chinese skater had a way of always soothing Yuri’s temper. Perhaps that was why he liked him.

“Anyway,” Guang-Hong said, answering Yuri’s question, “Usually on the first day we’ll do run-throughs of our programs. It doesn’t have to be our new programs, but that is most beneficial if you have gotten your programs for next season. You will then discuss a goal, either with Coach Celestino or Satsuki, which you will try to reach by the end of the camp.”

“He expects results within two weeks?”

“It’s not like the goal will be learning a quint or something,” Leo explained with a carefree laugh, “But it definitely won’t be easy.”

Yuri smiled a little. He liked a good challenge: “Sounds fun.”

As they all gathered in the rink for their run-throughs, and were lacing up their skates, Yuri rummaged through his skatebag only to learn that he had left his gloves back in the hotel room. He turned to Guang-Hong, who was lacing up his skates beside him.

“Hey,” he said softly to grab his attention, but not have too many people overhear of the small mistake he made, “Do you have an extra pair of gloves. I forgot mine at the hotel.”

Guang-Hong looked through his bag, but came up empty handed. “Sorry,” he whispered softly, but Yuri assured him that it was okay. He’d just skate without gloves. It wasn’t a problem.

Celestino grabbed their attention as the skaters were still sat at the benches, the assistant coach, Satsuki, standing by his side with a notepad in hand.

“Good morning,” Celestino greeted them, “As some of you know, we’ll start the camp with a run-through of a program of your choice. After everyone has skated, there’ll be free practice until one o’clock, where Satsuki and I will discuss with you individually what you should focus on during this training camp. After two weeks, we’ll have another set of run-throughs to see if you have improved. Who would like to skate their short program?”

Phichit, Leo and Yuri all raised their hand and Celestino nodded, “Okay, then Phichit you will go first, since you’re not technically taking part in the training camp, Leo will be second and Yuri third. Then for the free skates it will be JJ and then Guang-Hong. We’ll give you a six minute warm-up before we start.”

There was a muffled sound of acknowledgement from the group before they all took to the ice. There were already a couple of people on the ice as the five of them began their warm-up, so of course the pretend competition set-up wasn’t super authentic, but it wasn’t so crowded that they would have to be very cautious of colliding with other skaters. Yuri quickly made note of the people skating and they all seemed to fairly routined, so Yuuri assumed that they were all juniors, or maybe even novice skaters. Perhaps some of Celestino’s? Regardless, Yuri decided to treat this run-through like a competition, wanting to show the best version of his short program so that he had the best chance of improving it by the end of the camp.

The warm-up was quickly over and the four of them left the ice as Phichit got ready for his run-through. Yuri wasn’t entirely sure why Phichit had to go through this with them, since he was leaving in a week, but perhaps he was just here to set the tone, or have something to work on as he went to Russia. It occured to Yuri then that Phichit might be taking part in Yakov’s training camp as he arrived just as it began, which meant that even if he didn’t have to spent two weeks with Phichit here in Detroit, he would still see him when he got back to Russia. Great. At least he would be occupied with spending time with Yuuri, and if Yuri just spend his time with Otabek, well, it might work out after all.

Whatever the reason for Phichit skating, Yuri was secretly grateful for the opportunity to watch him in person. Yuri had only attended two competitions with Phichit, and during none of them had he watched the Thai skater live and in person, having been too focused on himself as his skate had still been coming up. But after hours and hours upon watching and learning from Phichit through videos, Yuri needed to see him skate in person to learn more about what made Phichit the performer he was.

Yuri stood next to Guang-Hong, who was already in awe at the presence Phichit had on the ice (he was a fan after all), and rested his arms on the boards, his head resting on his hands and watched intensely as Phichit began to skate. It came to no one’s surprise that Phichit was re-using his The King & The Skater program for the Olympics. Yuuri had mentioned many times what this program meant to the Thai skater, and since Phichit was already very comfortable with the familiar program, the presentation of it was already guaranteed to be of the highest quality.

Despite the warhorse program, Yuri felt himself drawn in by Phichit from the very first movement. The charisma Phichit usually emitted somehow exploded into a cloud of confidence and showmanship of which Yuri now knew could hardly be rivalled by anyone. Yuri knew without even feeling bitter about it that he himself could never reach that level of atmospheric control that Phichit owned as he skated. Phichit easily made eye-contact with the small audience he had watching him, making sure that they were all part of the experience, almost making Yuri forget that this was a pretend competition where they were using real competitive programs until Phichit flew into the triple axel that opened the program, as if Yuri didn’t feel that Phichit had enchanted him long ago, when really it had only been fifteen seconds.

The flow between the jumps, the spins, the steps and the choreographic highlights was something that Yuri could recognize and immediately remembered the short program Yuuri had skated just before Yuri had left for Detroit. Yuri didn’t know if this was a trait of Celestino’s students or if he had just been lucky to find such natural performers to train under him, but the fluid skating of both Phichit and Yuuri, and the way they delivered a program in such a touching way could hardly be contributed to coincidence alone. Despite Phichit’s loud and sometimes annoying personality, Yuri felt himself slowly becoming a fan in the same way he had quickly fallen for Yuuri’s skating during his disastrous first Grand Prix Final. Perhaps Yuri should make it a tradition to always attend this training camp, because as good of a coach as Yakov was, Celestino clearly had something in his training regime that he didn’t, and Yuri wanted it too.

As enchanted as Yuri felt during Phichit’s performance, he did pick up on the fact that the layout of the program has been altered slightly, making the quad in the second half part of the combination, raising the technical base value of the program to make it more competitive as he only has one quad in his repertoire. Because despite being a natural performer, Phichit was also a competitive person who knew that his chances of medaling at any competition were high, and with a higher technical ceiling, he became a bigger threat than during the previous season. It made Yuri excited to improve himself.

Yuri seemed to go through the same experience he had had with Phichit when Leo took to the ice and began his short program. Though not as skilled technically as Phichit, Leo was a different kind of beast when it came to program component scores. As Leo’s program was also musical based, it would be interesting to see Leo and Phichit’s battles throughout the season as their strengths and styles were both similar and distinctly different. Phichit was the more charismatic of the two, but Leo was good at highlighting the music he skated to, while giving his own unique interpretation of a well-known piece of music. Though the program was very distinctive to Leo, Yuri saw a hint of the influence Viktor had obviously had on the American. Yuri wondered briefly if it was because he had spend so many years watching Viktor skate himself that he could point it out, but though the influence was there, nothing about it looked like a Nikiforov program. Yuri quickly came to understand why both Viktor and Yuuri were such huge fans of Leo’s skating.

As it became Yuri’s turn to skate, he smiled confidently and got ready. He felt fully awake and energized, and since JJ was skating after him, he wanted to skate lights out and blow the audience away so that no matter what JJ did and how he skated, he simply couldn’t compare to Yuri. There were gasps of surprise from the sidelines as the music began, the few spectators clearly not having anticipated this style of music, all of them likely remembering the controversy of his last exhibition piece. The high energy of the program was feeding off of Yuri’s energy, but he didn’t tire and the opening quad toe was almost too easy. He knew the instant he landed the jump that this might become his best showing of this program yet, and the realization only made him more pumped and he felt refreshed anew as he moved further into the program. The energy he was feeling even after the combination and the spins was very refreshing, and even as he went into the second half, he didn’t feel exhausted.

Of course, the added energy made him mess up on his timing and speed for the triple axel, and he hand to put down his hand to keep from falling as he badly overrotatoed the jump. As his bare, ungloved hands touched down, he felt a sting from the cold ice for just a second until he was back on his feet. That’s what he got for forgetting his gloves.

He finished his program, paying no attention to his hand and got a small applause from the skaters at the rinkside. He bowed respectfully out of habit before moving towards them. As he glided towards the barrier, he examined his hand that was now beginning to sting. The cut wasn’t deep, but he had still managed to draw blood, and watched, unbothered, as a drop of blood trailed from the cut and down his palm towards his wrist. There were many specs of blood all over his hand - and even a few on his wrist - from the many times he had closed his fist, but Yuri didn’t think too much of it. He had cut himself on the ice before, but found himself happy to be in Detroit instead of St. Petersburg, because, unlike Yakov or even Lilia, he was certain that Celestino wouldn’t yell at him for getting injured. Even if it was just a small cut.

Yuri was quite right about Celestino as the coach upon meeting him at the barrier immediately took his hand to examine it.

“Not too bad...” he muttered, “We’ll discuss your program after you’ve been cleaned up. Satsuki,” he called for the other coach, “Can you take care of Yuri?”

Satsuki was already ahead of him, ready with a first aid kit, which made the whole thing seem much more serious than Yuri felt it was. She gestured for Yuri to follow her, and they sat down on one of the benches, still close enough to the rink for Yuri to follow the run-throughs. Yuri, of course, didn’t pay much attention to JJ, much preferring to not watch him skate, but he was curious as to what his program was and kept his eyes on the Canadian before giving his attention to Satsuki who was currently cleaning all the blood specks off of his skin.

Yuri felt his soul die a little bit when it turned out that JJ’s new free skate was a Romeo and Juliet program. The familiar music was more than enough for Yuri and he looked at his hand to see that the only blood left was what was coming out of his cut. That also meant that Yuri could now see the full extent of the damage. The cut extended from just below his index finger and diagonally across reaching almost all the way down to the bottom of his palm. It looked worse than it felt.

Satsuki threw the blood stained wipes away and pulled out a small bottle from the first aid kit.

“The disinfection will sting a bit,” she said as if Yuri hadn’t had ice cuts disinfected before, but he simply nodded and let her continue. He hissed a little as the alcohol solution came in contact with his open skin, but she finished quickly, clearly having done this many times before, and was soon bandaging his hand to keep the wound from getting infected. Of course, due to her quick first aid, by the time Yuri was all bandaged up, JJ was still not done skating.

Yuri thanked Satsuki for her help with a light bow like Yuko had taught him a couple of months ago, and returned to his place beside Guang-Hong just as JJ finished.

“How was it?” Yuri asked and Guang-Hong’s face fell a little before answering.

“Unfairly good,” he said and the two sighed together, before Guang-Hong replaced JJ and readied himself to skate his new free skate.

Yuri tried his very best to ignore the fact that JJ came to stand beside him, and he would probably have succeeded had JJ not begun to speak to him halfway through Guang-Hong’s program.

“I have a pair of extra gloves,” he mentioned and Yuri shot him a look as if to say that he wasn’t interested in anything that came from him, but apparently JJ was too much of an idiot to catch up on it and still offered: “You can borrow them if you want. The might be a little big for you, but with the bandage that might be perfect… at least for your right hand.”

“No thanks,” Yuri growled, keeping his eyes fixed on Guang-Hong and clapping lightly when he landed his triple axel.

“Come on,” JJ continued, a hint of teasing in his voice, “We still have a lot of practice left. Might as well make sure you don’t injure yourself more.”

“Huh?” Yuri hissed, growing more irritated and sent JJ another death stare. This time he got it.

“Joking, joking,” JJ said defensively, putting up his hands as if Yuri was going to attack him. It was a tempting action to take. “But seriously, take my gloves. It’s just for today.”

Yuri gritted his teeth, “Fine,” he said at last, mostly hoping it would resolve in JJ shutting the hell up, “lend me your dumb gloves.”

Yuri expected JJ to leave and get them, but instead the asshole pulled them out from his pocket, having known that Yuri would lose the argument, and Yuri pulled them out of his grip with his good hand, not wanting to refuse at this point, because that would be accepting defeat on a whole new level. As it turned out, the gloves fit perfectly over his bandaged right hand, and was a little loose on his left, but not to the point where it was annoying.

It was apparent on JJ’s face that he wasn’t expecting any words of gratitude, which tempted Yuri to just say thank you but before he convinced himself to do so, Guang-Hong finished his program and Celestino concluded the run-throughs, and had everyone get on the ice for practice, calling them one after the other to discuss what to work on during their training camp.

As Yuri waited for his evaluation, he practiced his triple axel, feeling relatively agitated at the fact that it had been the only element of the short program that hadn’t been perfect. He had just completed his tenth axel - to perfection of course - as Celestino called him over.

“How’s your hand?” He asked as Yuri skated up to him by the barrier.

“Fine,” Yuri said, anxious to get something to work on.

“It seems that Viktor made you quite a program,” Celestino mused, going through some notes, which Yuri couldn’t see what were, “I’d say that the most important thing for you to focus on what be your skating skills. Of course, there is only so much you can do in two weeks, so here’s what I’ll suggest. Since your program focuses so much on speed, it is difficult for you to complete all the elements required for your step sequence. In your run-through, you would only have hit level two,” Yuri frowned at this. He usually got a level four - three if he was feeling a little off. “So how about setting your goal for hitting a level three without losing any of the speed?”

“But my content is planned for a level four,” Yuri protested, “Shouldn’t I aim for that instead?”

“I have no doubt that you could easily skate a level four step sequence right now if I asked you to, but your program is not only very complex but is based on the high pace of it. If you focus too much on the technicalities, you will lose sight of the program. Your task is to find a balance.”

Yuri wanted to protest again, but Celestino’s words seemed final, and it wasn’t like the season began when this training camp ended. He would complete Celestino’s task no matter what.

The following hour, Yuri did multiple run-throughs of his step sequence, as well as all those boring skating exercises Yakov loved to make him do, and whenever he got tired of that, he would work on his combination, which was so much more fun.

By the end of the session, Celestino was on the ice, gathering up everyone who was still there, even skaters who weren’t part of the training camp (Yuri assumed that they were juniors skating under Celestino, but he had no way of confirming it, as he wasn’t willing to ask anyone). It seemed that like Yakov, Celestino was fond of skating exercises, and had everyone do them together. The difference between Celestino and Yakov, however, was the level of those exercises. Yuri always felt that he could complete Yakov’s exercises with relative ease, but with Celestino he felt that he could hardly keep up.

Yuri had started in the back of the group, and from his spot, it was clear to see who had been skating with Celestino the longest. Phichit was skating like he could do these exercises in his sleep (and Yuri thought that perhaps he could actually do just that), while Leo and Guang-Hong who had trained with him pretty regularly before were also doing pretty well. While JJ seemed to also have some difficulty with the exercises, it didn’t look like he was struggling like Yuri was, and it made Yuri even more determined to put his all into these, seemingly simply, exercises.

The following three days were pretty much the same. Celestino mostly made Yuri work on his basic skating, and by the end of the practice session they would all go through the same skating exercises. Yuri had kept JJ’s gloves, because his own didn’t really fit on his bandaged hand. It would heal soon enough though. Yuri had had a moment of thinking he should get gloves like these until he had had a minute to further inspect them - why ask JJ where he had bought them when he could just spend even more time trying to figure it out himself right? It turned out, unfortunately, that the gloves were part of JJ’s own clothing brand, and the signature JJ logo on the inside of them had Yuri doing angry quad salchows for a good ten minutes. Fate sure was cruel to him.

Yuri was allowed to take the bandage off after five days, and with it he gave JJ back the gloves.

“Thanks, or whatever,” Yuri said as he threw them onto JJ’s lap, while the Canadian was lacing up his skates.

“You can keep them if you want,” JJ offered with an annoying smile, but Yuri refused. His own gloves were perfectly fine now that his right hand wasn’t bigger than usual.

Yuri sat down next to JJ - of course still with a considerable amount of distance between them - and began lacing up his skates too.

“You know people will say you’re copying Viktor by skating to Romeo and Juliet?” Yuri said as he tightened his right skate.

“Viktor never skated to Romeo and Juliet,” JJ replied casually.

“I meant the style. You said it’s for your fiancée, right? That’s exactly what Viktor did last season,” Yuri knew the internet. The comparisons would begin as soon as JJ showed his new program. Everyone always compared any skaters programs to Viktor just because, and this was simply too easy of a comparison.

“That’s true, but so did Katsuki, who was my inspiration for the program.”

“Yuuri?” Yuri looked up in question, “You got inspired by Yuuri?”

“Well, just like you, I’m a fan of his. More so than of Viktor.”

“Who the hell said I was a fan of Katsudon?”

“Just assumed,” JJ shrugged and gave no further explanation as he left and went on the ice for his warm-up.

The day before Phichit was to leave for Russia, he invited forced them all out to dinner. Yuri could probably have resisted by locking himself up in his room, but Phichit had promised to pay for the entire meal (likely because during his stay in Russia, he wouldn’t have to pay for a thing, save the flight). Therefore, Yuri met up with the rest of the training camp squad in the lobby of the hotel.

“I can’t believe you make us all go to dinner with you, and you’re just on social media,” Yuri said as he walked towards Phichit and Guang-Hong who were currently the only two who had arrived thus far.

“Just passing the time,” Phichit smiled, “By the way, a lot of your fans are dying to know why your hand was bandaged for the past five days.”

“How do they even know? I was wearing JJ’s stupid gloves the entire time,” Yuri said in a low growl. Honestly, did his fans have nothing better to do than stalk him?

“You may or may not have appeared in the background of a couple of my photos with said bandaged hand,” Phichit said nonchalantly, “But that’s a minor detail. I’m doing a Q&A and someone asked, wanna share?” Phichit said and stuck the camera right in Yuri’s face, while putting an arm around him so that they were close enough to both fit into the frame. He hadn’t pressed record yet, because he knew if he recorded Yuri without permission, he might lose a limb.

“Fine,” Yuri said, and Phichit instantly pressed record, the footage going directly to instagram.

“So Yurio,” Phichit said, still using the nickname, “What happened to your hand?” Phichit asked dramatically, as if trying to uncover, or maybe just document, a murder mystery, and Yuri eyed him skeptically before answering.

“Didn’t wear gloves, ice is sharp, be careful when skating,” Yuri said in a monotone voice, but Phichit of course made a face of interest as he continued with his documentary voice.

“Yuri Plisetsky, giving some solid advice to any aspiring skaters out there. Wear gloves!” And with that the recording ended and Phichit finally let go of Yuri, going back to Guang-Hong who was also updating his social media.

“I’m surprised to hear you give advice to your fans,” Yuri heard JJ say and turned around to see him and Leo walking towards them.

“I’m just saying it like it is,” Yuri replied, and greeted Leo. With all of them having arrived, the five of them made their way out of the hotel, following Phichit to whatever place he thought was great. From the list of restaurants Yuuri had given him before leaving, Yuri had a pretty good guess as the where they were headed.

“You could have thanked me for lending you my gloves,” JJ teased and Yuri frowned, wondering how he had ended up walking with JJ at the back of the group.

“And plug your dumb brand? Don’t be an idiot.”

“You must have liked them to check the brand. I don’t recall telling you I made them,” JJ said, and Yuri could not believe his luck. How had JJ figured that out?

“What makes you think I didn’t check because I hated them so much that I needed to know what never to buy myself?” Yuri shot back, but JJ just smiled at him. Yuri knew he had lost the moment he had started lying. He should have kept his mouth shut, but that was hard with JJ around.

“Come on, if you really hated them that much, you wouldn’t have used them for more than a day. Maybe I’ll give you a pair for your birthday.”

“Fuck right off, JJ,” Yuri said as he sped up, linking his arms with Guang-Hong to ensure himself some better company. As he looked back, he saw JJ looking amused as Leo fell back into step with him and struck up a conversation about some new song that had just been released.

As expected, the restaurant they were eating at was the one that, according to Yuuri, had been dubbed the best Thai restaurant in Detroit by Phichit. They easily found a table that fit all of them, and Yuri snuck himself in between Guang-Hong and Phichit, sitting as far away from JJ as possible (not that it was that far since they were sitting by a round table, but whatever). It turned out to be quite the pleasant evening.

“So, Yurio-” JJ addressed Yuri for the first time during their dinner, but Yuri quickly interrupted him.

“You have no right to call me that,” he said and gave him a look that gave JJ no room for even arguing or protesting.

“Right, Yuri,” he said, and Yuri reluctantly listened to him, “Why aren’t you practicing the quad loop?”

“Huh?” Yuri snapped. Was JJ mocking him?

“Ah! Don’t take this the wrong way. I just assumed that it would be right up your ally, and with the Olympics coming up-”

“And with the Olympics coming up, Yakov doesn’t want me to try out new jumps,” Yuri growled, more annoyed with Yakov than JJ at this point, “I’ll probably go for it next season.”

“Have you tried it yet?” JJ asked, sincerely curious, and Yuri found himself quite engaged in this conversation, which would be a first with JJ involved.

“A couple of times, but it’s hard to get the timing right,” Yuri confessed, downplaying slightly how many times he had tried and failed. He had probably tried more than a hundred times, and landed roughly three of them, but JJ still nodded in agreement.

“That’s true. In the beginning you pop most of them.”

“You’re doing it this season?”

“I would be offended that you didn’t watch my free skate during the runthrough if it wasn’t because I knew you hurt yourself, but yes, I can’t very well back down from it now, can I?”

Yuri frowned a little. With the loop, JJ had four different quads, Viktor also had four and was, inexplicably, working on a fifth (also the loop), and Yuuri was planning on putting a quad lutz in his free skate if he could get it consistent enough. And Yuri still only had the toe and the salchow. He was aware from Yakov’s lectures, Viktor’s winning streak and instance, that quads weren’t everything, but Viktor and Yuuri were both strong skaters regardless of how many quads they could land. It had not been due to luck that Viktor had taken silver at Europeans last season with just a single quad in his free skate. But Yuri knew that his natural strength lay in the jumps. If he wanted to contend for that gold medal at PyeongChang, he needed to do something that could boost his score a little more.

“Hey, Yurio!” Phichit said suddenly, pulling Yuri out of his trance, “Who do you like more, Yuuri or Viktor?”

“Come again?”

“Yuuri or Viktor, choose one.”

“Why?”

“For fun! Come on.”

“As a skater or a person?” Yuri questioned, not that his answer was going to be different anyway.

“A skater,” Phichit clarified.

“Then Katsudon.”

“Yes! I vote for Yuuri too, so that’s two votes,” Phichit said enthusiastically, but Leo protested.

“Phichit is biased and his vote shouldn’t count,” he said slyly and Phichit protested until all four of them agreed that if Viktor skated the program of his life and Yuuri took a nap on the ice, then Phichit would still say Yuuri should win and that would be unfair.

“Fine, then,” Phichit said defeated, “What about the rest of you?”

“I’m voting Viktor,” Leo said, and Phichit frowned.

“This is why you didn’t want me to vote, you traitor. I can’t believe you call yourself a friend of Yuuri.”

Leo chuckled, “I’ve always been a fan of Viktor, I mean, who else does their own choreography and makes it look so easy?”

“You say that as if you don’t do the same thing,” Guang-Hong pointed out, “But I’m voting Viktor too.”

“Both of you are traitors,” Phichit hissed, and the duo laughed.

“Well, I’m voting for Yuuri, so that ties it up,” JJ commented, and Yuri smirked. Take that, Viktor!

“So Yuuri wins,” Phichit said, and the Viktor fanclub protested again.

“It’s a tie,” they said in unison, “Besides, does it matter?”

“Not really,” Phichit smiled and instantly forgot about the weird competition the conversation had evolved into, “I was just curious.”

As Yuri had said, it was quite a pleasant evening.

The last week of the training camp went by quickly, but Yuri could feel the improvements as he skated through his step sequence once more the day before they’d do full run-throughs again. Although he knew he still had ways to go before he would have the easy skating Phichit had showcased throughout the first week, he knew he would be repeating Celestino’s exercises when he got back to St. Petersburg, because he had already learned so much. When they all ended the training with the collective skating exercises, Yuri felt more relaxed than he had the first time, and he kept up better than before. It turned out Yakov had been right when he had said that going to Detroit would be beneficial.

“Nervous?” Guang-Hong asked the next day as they got ready for their run-throughs.

“Not really,” Yuri muttered, but he still felt his heart beat a little faster than usual. It was the second time he was doing a run-through of his short program and had something to prove. First it was a fight to keep the program and now it was a fight to show that he had improved in the short span of two weeks. And Yuri knew that he couldn’t just focus on the steps. Everything had to be excellent for him to complete the task set by Celestino.

They skated in the same order as they had at the beginning of the training camp, although in the absence of Phichit, Leo was the first to skate. Yuri had no idea what any of the others had been tasked to do, and wondered how Leo could improve his skating in just two weeks. He had seen Leo attempt a couple of quads over the course of the camp, but nothing that suggested that he would put it into the short program. Yuri was almost certain that Leo’s task had been technical, since he was pretty much perfect in all other areas, so it came to no surprise that the triple axel that had been Leo’s opening element before had been replaced with a triple flip. The triple axel being moved to the second half.

As Leo finished an almost clean short program (there had been a small mistake on the combination), Yuri got ready, wanting to give both a clean performance and show his (hopefully) improved skating skills. There was some cheering at the boards as Yuri took his starting position, and it made him smile as the music began and he got into character.

Yuri knew that the task had been to improve the step sequence, but skating skills were applied all the time, and Yuri was eager to show off everything that he had learned. The deeper edges helped generate speed, and Yuri already felt more comfortable with the fast paced program than he had when he had arrived. The two quads and the spins were as easy as they had been the first time, but Yuri was feeling a little anxious about the triple axel, not wanting to make a mistake like he had last time. He sacrificed a bit of the transitions Viktor had so carefully choreographed for him, making sure that the triple axel would be the best it could and landed it without issue, before moving onto the everso important step sequence.

Yuri knew that he needed to just trust the exercises he had been doing for the last two weeks, because if thought too much about it, then he would inevitable lose some his speed and that would mean failing the task. So Yuri trusted the many hours of pure skating he had done with Celestino, and simply let the flow of the program guide him, as he kept up with the tempo of the music. As the sequence came to an end and he entered his final spin, Yuri honestly had no idea how it had gone, but he sure had felt good while doing it. He finished his program and heard a small round of applause from his fellow skaters, and made a little show out of bowing to them as he left the ice.

Celestino didn’t give them any feedback until the Guang-Hong had finished his run-through, but as it turned out, they had all passed with flying colors. Yuri had still not managed to gain a level four on the step sequence, but he had gotten the level three Celestino had requested without sacrificing the essence of the program, and Yuri called it a victory. He still had until September before his first competition and by that time, he could definitely get to level four without sacrificing any part of his performance.

Although the run-throughs were over, they still had a whole day left of practice and Yuri memorized all the skating exercises they did at the end of the day to take with him back to St. Petersburg. Perhaps he could get Yuuri to skate them with him when they got back.

All in all, Yuri could count the two weeks as successful.

#long post #Yuri on ice #yuri on ice fic #yoi fic #Yuri Plisetsky #power to perform #chapter 2

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atravelersseoul · 7 years

Text

Flight and First day in Seoul

6.24.17~6.26.17

Our flight to Toronto left Columbus around 10:30. It was a fairly small flight, seating no more than 50 people. It was a pretty fast and easy flight, which was lucky because the bathroom was broken on that plane, so that could have been disastrous.

We got into Toronto and the airport may have looked small from the outside but the inside was very big, fancy and artsy; they had mini art galleries and shopping boutiques; there was a coach store and a Victoria secret store. Our connecting flight to Seoul was delayed by about 25 minutes so we all decided to get some snacks and whatnot since we were all hangry.

After about an hour and a half we boarded the connecting flight to Seoul and the take off preparations/safety instructions were very interesting; they were repeated in about 5 languages: English and french because we were in Canada, and then Korean, Chinese and Japanese because we were flying into Seoul. i can’t really remember, but there might have been Spanish too, for some reason. For about the first few hours we were very excited about the flight: the food, the mini television screens that had everything you could want on them. We all watched a movie together but towards the end of that one I was starting to doze off every now and then. During that movie we got our first meal which was a dinner. It was surprisingly very good, especially for being airplane food. The main part was rice with marinated beef, cabbage and lettuce. There was also a salad, bread, and a brownie.

At this point it already felt like it had been forever since we had been on the plane even though it had only been roughly 3 hours, so I decided to try and get some sleep even though we had all been playing on staying up so that we could been on the time zone when we got there. It was not a very deep or comfortable sleep but I did what I could. When I woke up I looked through some more movies and shows and found some episodes of the middle so I watched all of those. I then found an episode of fairly odd parents and watched that. With nothing much else to do I watched the latest bourne movie. Somewhere in the middle of that we got a small snack that had a mini sandwich, pretzels, some type of cracker/cookie, and I ended up getting some coffee to help me stay up. I finished the bourne movie and finally picked a Korean movie to watch. Id heard that it was really good so I decided to watch it…I ended up crying at the end, it was sooo sad…even though it was in the comedy section. towards the last few hours of the flight we got a breakfast and that was even better than the dinner. We got an omelet with sausage and potatoes and a spinach sauce. There was also a fruit cup and bread.

The descent and landing was a bit rough; there was a lot of turbulence, probably the most I have ever felt. There were a few times that you could actually feel the plane drop for a second or two and you could feel your stomach drop. It was almost like we were on a roller coaster. The landing itself went pretty smoothly though.

After we landed we had about 3 hours until the shuttle bus left to take us to the dorms so we exchanged currency, got some food and other little things we needed to do. at that point we were all just so exhausted and wanted to get back and sleep as soon as possible. once we got on the shuttle we had about an hour drive from Incheon airport back to the dorms which are about half an hour outside the very middle of Seoul. The drive there was very interesting, the way people drive here is insane, especially the bus drivers. People just weave in and out, and change lanes so fast and seemingly without a care. When we got to around the campus the driver had no idea where our specific building was or where to drop us off so he just stopped the bus in the middle of the road to call someone and ask where to go…that was very mind boggling. When we eventually figured out where to go, walking to the building was a whole other adventure in itself. I don’t think there is a flat piece of ground anywhere in this city, so we had to lug our bags up and down multiple hills to get to the dorm. On one very steep hill one girl accidentally let go of her bag and it went flying down the street and almost took someone out. that gave me so much second hand embarrassment, it’ll last me enough for a lifetime.

We got to the dorm around 10pm and had to do some stuff for check in and whatnot. Once we got to the rooms we realized there were several things that we were all missing, so we all went down to the convenience store that is right around the corner. Let me tell you, the convenience stores in America have nothing on the ones here, they are amazing. They literally have everything you could need and everything is so cheap. They have an entire section just dedicated to different types of ramen and they even have a ramen making station, complete with a microwave. They know what they're doing here. One big thing was that none of the rooms had toilet paper so we bought two giant packs to share with pretty much the entire hallway, but we have not really given them to anyone yet so I currently have about 15 rolls of toilet paper sitting under my desk.

Once we got everything we headed back to the rooms because everyone was pretty tired. I ended up just taking a shower and then going to sleep. Another thing that is awesome is the shower. The whole bathroom itself is pretty much the shower; the floor in the bathroom is about an inch or two below the floor in the rest of the room, and there is a drain in the shower but also in the middle of the floor outside of the shower door. That way, it doesn’t matter if you get water everywhere…it stays in the bathroom and drains.

Waking up the next day was kinda hard because we had to meet the program staff outside the building at 8am sharp to head to our orientation at the program office in the city. The trek there was the first time we were all going to be taking public transportation to the city, and the transit system here is very intimidating at first. In the Seoul metropolitan area, I believe there is a total of 18 subway lines and I don’t even want to think about the buses. Despite it being scary, the transit system is sooo nice and it works so well, so much better than in the US. To ride the subway and buses you have to buy a card, called a “T-Money” card. You basically just load money onto that card every now and then to scan and pay at the stations. Whats really nice is that if you need to take the bus after the subway, it doesn’t charge you for the bus if you get on it within 30 minutes of getting off the subway.

So getting to the office wasn’t too hard but it was really frustrating. The third party program that we went through that brought us to Korea University had a total of 66 students in it. taking 66 american students on the subway is very complicated and very headache inducing. Especially when a lot of these students are heavily reinforcing the stereotype of loud obnoxious Americans by being so loud to the point of being disrespectful. But we mad it there in one piece without being scolded so I guess that’s a mission accomplished. From the subway we had to walk quite a ways to get to the building and it was scorching hot. From what I recall it was around 85 degrees with 80% humidity: I was literally dripping sweat. While we were all dying of heat, there were so many people that we saw walking that were in pants or long sleeves that looked perfectly fine, not a drop of sweat on them.

Once we got to the building they told us that the office was on the 11th floor, which was somewhat shocking. That is one very cool thing about the city, everything is just stacked on top of each other. Since Korea itself does not have a lot of land, (apparently the entire country is smaller than Minnesota), things are built upwards instead of outwards. The building however only had one elevator and only took like 6 people at a time, so at some point we just decided to take the stairs, which was a bad idea. By the time we got to the top, I felt very American. I was sweating buckets, breathing like I’d run a marathon and it made me realize how long it’s been since I last exercised.

The orientation itself wasn’t too interesting, just going over stuff we needed to know about classes and safety and whatnot, and it lasted way too long. After we got done, they took us to Gwanghwamun market that was nearby for lunch. We didn’t have a lot of time so we found a little place to just stop by and get some food at. We got some ddeokboki which is spicy rice cake and I got naengmyun which is a buckwheat noodle soup. It took longer than expected so we had to leave before we could finish all the food so we felt pretty bad, but we were gonna be late if we didn’t.

after lunch we headed to Gwanghwamun square that is a big plaza in the middle of an eight lane highway that leads up to Gyeongbok Palace. In the square, there are two statues, one of Admiral Yi Sun Shin and one of King Sejong, who invented hangul, the written alphabet during the Joseon dynasty. Across from the square in the main gate of Gyeongbok palace, which was the royal palace of the Joseon dynasty and was built in 1395. It was really just incredible to see this beautiful old palace right in the middle of the city among huge modern buildings. Inside the palace it was amazing to see a lot people in hanbok, which is the traditional Korean dress. It seemed like a lot of people, especially couples go there to take pictures in their hanboks. The architecture was absolutely breathtaking and it was hard to take in how big the whole place was. It really made me wonder about what it would have been like when it was built and what life was like inside of it. everything about it was just so beautiful and incredible, it was so amazing to be able to walk around and experience it.

one funny thing was we actually met someone from ohio while we were walking around. We wanted to take a group picture next to one of the buildings and the person we asked to take our picture was from here. He was actually a part of the broadway tour that was performing the musical Chicago in seoul, so that was just very interesting to meet someone coincidentally like that.

After touring the palace, we went to a shop that rented out hanboks and had sessions for people to try them on and take pictures. It was definitely a new and interesting experience, but it was towards the end of the day so we all were tired and sweaty and probably smelled really bad. but after we finished there, we were done with group activities so they just released us into the city to do whatever and then find our own way back. Amanda has a friend who lives in seoul and owns a brewery/restraurant so we headed to one of his restaurants in Hyundai Mall for dinner around 6. I ordered some chicken and ended up getting what seemed like 2 whole chickens, I think there was around 20 wings, so I definitely did not finish them all. While we were eating we saw a mini stand that was serving drinks in lightbulbs. It was the cutest thing and we simply could not pass it up. It was called “Bulb Smoothie” and for some reason that just cracked us up. The guy working the stand was very cute and charming so that made it even better hehe. We ended up staying until the mall closed at 9 and then made the long ride back to the dorms and pretty much knocked out as soon as we got in our rooms. We had early morning the next day for another orientation so we all wanted some good sleep.

I think i’ll save the next day for a different post so this one doesn’t turn into a novel, although it’s already pretty long by now. So if you made it this far, all the way to the end I applaud you.

-Bea

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rhettsooo · 7 years

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Friday, January 13th to Saturday January 14th, 2017- Gili Air, Mt. Bromo, Yogyakarta

It's on this day I say good bye to the enchanting Gili Air and begin to squeeze in more of Indonesia - or at least as much as possible in my remaining 6 days of travel. Next stop is East Java where Mt Bromo is, the next mountain I want to conquer... but first I have to figure out how I'm doing that... with a twist: while I'm literally traveling there. What I mean by this is; I have no concrete plans on how I'm going to get to Bromo, but the goal is to do it on this night, to technically see sunrise. All I have sorted so far is the ferry off Gili Air and a bus on the other side to take me to Lombok International Airport, where I've seen online many flights departing that work in my favour, so I'm taking my odds and going in just a little blind. The ferry was the easy part: a short 20 minutes on a 20 person fishing-like boat. Nothing like the 'fast boat' we took to the island-- in fact the exact opposite. In the harbour on the other side, it was a slight panic as locals greeted the boat asking arriving passengers if they needed transport, which was me, but I had transport pre-arranged as part of shuttle bus, so I struggled for a couple minutes cutting through the noise to hear what was relevant for me and found MY guy pretty easily. An older couple, maybe 50 years old and German, were also on a similar trajectory. They ended up with MY guy too, but their struggle was laughable and entertaining to watch. He (of the couple) had a face that was permanently grumpy (imagine grumpy cat, but on a man) and the woman would always look to him for guidance or direction, but he hadn't a clue. His grumpy face would sometimes gain an injection of confusion or difficulty as he tried to manage their huge piece of luggage off this little fishing boat and on to the beach and then finding THE guy he needed. I think I got such entertainment from this couple because they seemed like the 'all-inclusive resorts' type; you know the type that wants everything done for them and wants to just relax without stress. Thus, they weren't ready for the spice to life island life brings ;) We (myself and this German? couple) wound up with the same GUY, who directed his friends(?) to grab their luggage - since they were struggling - and we all went to a horse-drawn carriage that we maxed out with us four bodies (our GUY, this couple, and myself) and our luggage. It was pretty funny. Especially when the couple didn't want to tip the dude carrying their luggage for him. Shame on him. So we're all in this carriage for about 20 minutes as we trust that this GUY is legit and actually taking us to our bus...which he did :) We waited for the bus for an hour, which was great because I could get some breaky and find some WiFi to figure out how I'm getting to Bromo. I found some tours that included airport pick up, hotel, trek up Bromo, and drop off where ever I wanted, so sent maybe 6 email inquiries hoping that one of them would reply by the next time I reach WiFi, and not to mention could pick me up in like 10 hours at this point. The bus to the airport was long. Very long. I tried to relax, but the windy roads quintupled with the crazy driving wouldn't allow. Did I mention that drivers pass other drivers at any moment. Regardless of lines, corners, oncoming traffic, etc, they'll give warming with a tap on the horn and somehow pull it off. At the airport I found the ticket office for LionAir, the cheaper of the airlines I uncovered earlier, and bought a ticket with a sigh of relief. Now to figure out what's happening on the other side of this flight. I found WiFi and welcomed two replies in my inbox, so now it was a race between them to see who I can confirm first....and with two hours to spare before my flight departed, I confirmed a driver to pick me up and the whole nine yards. WOO WOO Yes the price was a little more than what I would've liked, but I got exactly what I wanted and nothing more or less-- my itinerary was perfect. Since I had some stress free time before my flight, I started thinking about the other side of Bromo, so what the fuck I was going to do tomorrow after the sunrise trek and essentially where I was going to be dropped off. I knew I wanted to go to Yogyakarta in Central Java next, but hadn't a clue how I was going to get there, so I did some digging and found a train! At a fraction of the cost of a plane, but about 5 times as long, the train schedule lined up perfectly; I couldn't have planned it better. So in full, the day would look like this; 1) Ferry from Gili Air to Lombok 2) Shuttle bus from the harbour to the airport 3) Plane to Surabaya airport in East Java 4) Driver from Surabaya to Mt. Bromo 5) Driver from Mt. Bromo back to Surabaya 6) Train from Surabaya to Yogyakarta ^^fun note: this all happens within about 36 hours of each other. Crazy right! After the dull plane ride and the crazy drive from the airport in the rain and traffic to Bromo, I checked into my hotel at about midnight, so I'm now into the next day and have ~4 hours until we leave for sunrise over Mt Bromo. With nothing more than a nap, my driver and I left for a 20min drive to base camp for going up. It was dark. Wet. And cold. Like Canada cold, but luckily I knew what I was doing and bundled up with my touque and gloves and lots of layers. My driver dropped me at the trail and gave me some loose directions. Although it was just me - technically, there dozens of others trying to catch the sunrise from the top too, so I followed the path while keeping an awareness of what the other groups were doing to not go anywhere I wasn't suppose to. The first 30 min of walking up a gradual hill of gravel road was easy and spat out at the first of two view points. This particular one wasn't anything special - besides it being pitch black; you would just see the town below and the crater around the volcano. Oh yeah, Mt. Bromo is an active valcano. So I kept on keeping on up the next bit of the climb. It turned to steps, kind of, for another 45min or so to the top. But it wasn't really the top, it was a peak called Seruni Point. Yes, you could keep going up, but it would have been some serious bushwacking and very vertical. It was here that I chilled and watched sunrise. I found a good spot and struck conversation with this group of kids that had rode their motorbikes over night for 6 hours in the rain to catch the sunrise...crazy kids! I told them I/we are the same: going to crazy distances/lengths to catch the sunrise. The sun itself created a nice glow on the town below and the crater beside us. Although it was stuck behind the rain clouds for a bit, it showed its face and provided some good photo opps. I revealed in its glory, once again being reminded on a) how fucking fortunate I am to be enjoying this moment and b) how the fuck did I pull this off -- hahaha Now the sunrise wasn't the most exciting I had seen on the trip, it was the most illuminating, meaning now that it was light out, I truly got perspective: Although I thought I was going up Mt. Bromo, I had climbed Mount Penanjakan and gotten to Seruni Point, which is the mountain next to Bromo. The sun rose over Bromo and it's crater and the village of Cemoro Lawang below. The crater I was looking out to actually housed my hotel, among other buildings of the village. (An appreciation I didn't have until now and then to be reaffirmed by Dad via text later). If I wanted to check out Bromo, it would require a few more hours to not only descend Mt. Penanjakan and drive back to the village, but a walk across the Sea of Sand and only then be able to elevate myself on Mt. Bromo, physically. Now as much as I wanted to do all of this, it was beginning to rain like a mutha fucker (and if I've learned anything on the trip, it's that when it rains, it pours) and as ready as I was for rain - umbrella, jacket, boots, etc - I wasn't feeling it. And in actual fact, I was feeling like I had done what I came for: to see the sunrise and Mt. Bromo. *Looking back as I write this and read more about Bromo after the fact, I kinda wish I wasn't a big baby and just did it. But, now I have a reason to bring go back, but with company this time* Anywho, the sunrise ended and I have to check out of this hotel, but first it's time for breakfast and figuring out this train situation... Nowhere online would let me book a train ticket and no blog or equivalent was helpful, so I asked real people: first my driver, who had no clue, then the hotel desk, which also had no clue, but he asked his friend who said you can get them at the Indomaret (Seven Eleven of Indonesia). "OK, so the Indomaret eh, I can roll with that", I was thinking, so got my driver to make the stop en route to the train station. At the first Indomaret, there system was down, so couldn't help. The second Indomaret taught us that you can't buy train tickets on the day of departure unless you're at the station. Oooooooo kaaaaay, I guess I'm taking a leap and getting dropped off at the station hoping there's a ticket for me-- which there was! WOO WOO! Once I grabbed my ticket, I found a snack at Dunkin Donuts - which is super popular in Indonesia, alongside KFC - in case you were wondering - and hijacked their WiFi to find accomodation after this train in Yogyakarta. I found this quaint homestay 25min walk from the train station, in a relatively central neighbourhood at a great rate. Boom! I now had somewhere to sleep for the next few days, phew. The train was fun and really long. Like 7 hours long. But it was fun. There were lots of kids who took a fancy to me and I sat across from a young couple and their newborn, whom spoke English well enough for continued conversation. It gave me time to read and have a breath. Arriving in Yogyakarta at about 9pm in a slight drizzle of rain, I took to the streets on foot to get a sense of the city, the neighbourhood, and the people before calling it a night. My homestay turned out to be in an even-better-than-expected neighbourhood close to little street venders, big clothing stores, food, ATMs, etc, all the while being out of sight and very quiet. Although this place cost a few bucks more a night than a hostel, I had my own room, which was heavenly for a change. (I hadn't had my own room since Vietnam). And with that, I could sleep with ease! Especially since I'd never been more tired on this trip than now and felt like sleeping for an entire day! So I did! After leaving Gili Air 40 hours ago at this point which included 1 ferry, 1 plane, 1 train, two longs drives, a mountain, and shit ton of walking, I called it a night. BOOM! Another great series of adventure, wonder, and suspense :)

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freedomrecovery · 5 years

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Freedom from Food

I list 9 different ways why THRIVING in life is more important than living in shame, guilt and anxiety because of food!

Living in freedom is a subjective phrase.

You can be free from multiple things…finances, jail, a stressful relationship..the list can go on.

But I’ll be referring to the freedom from food, the scale, anxiety, and body shame.

These 9 steps to freedom we’ll be discussing will open your eyes into a life of bondage and unworthiness of someone who thought was living a healthy lifestyle but in the end realized she was causing destruction to herself mentally and physically. Here’s a little familiar scenario for you before diving into this book.

Numbers can warp and corrupt your mind.

Your mind can be corrupted so much that if your goal is to lose weight then your whole life can be consumed by numbers. “How many calories does this apple have?” “I can’t eat all of my food, because then I’ll run out of calories by the end of the day.” “I need to lose 5 more lbs! Five more lbs then I’ll finally be happy once I’ve made it to my goal!” Then all of a sudden you end up not losing those pounds…in fact, you actually GAINED 3 extra pounds on top of the 5 pounds you “had” to lose!

Earth shattering…I know.

So what does a typical female, who doesn’t understand the concept of loving herself where she’s at at the moment do in this situation?

Freak out, right?!! Duh!

After MANY times freaking out over the numbers, food, and the scale it was brought to my attention that I was NOT made to always be at war with myself. I was NOT made to always be looking for another way to change me. I was NOT made to always be wanting to lose weight.

To make your life a little easier I have found 9 personal reasons explaining just how more important your life is than being obsessed with losing those extra pounds or tracking to the exact calorie and/or macro.

Getting the full experience out of moments in life

People may argue that food has nothing to do with experiences, but I refuse to believe that and I will be the first to disagree. Picture this...sitting with your family around the table on Christmas morning. There are pancakes, waffles, biscuits and gravy, pastries, real sausage (not turkey sausage...), eggs (not egg whites), bacon (not turkey bacon), and juice. You name it, they've got it. Your senses are filling up with the aroma of the delicious and savory food sitting right in front of you. Your belly growls. You've been hungry all morning and it's finally sitting right in front of you. After saying the blessing everyone digs in! Sister is going for the waffles first and smothering butter and syrup all on top. Brother is reaching for the biscuits and gravy and the gravy is so thick it's dripping off his plate. Dad is definitely going for the pancakes (that would be my choice as well) and putting peanut butter on top (because he's a genius), then syrup. Then it's your turn. You look at the waffles and think to yourself that you can't eat waffles without butter and syrup, because they're too dry, but if I added those two together the carb to fat ratio would be out of this world. You obviously don't even think about the biscuits and gravy, because look at it...it's 90% fat anyway. No way. On to the pancakes. Well, if you ate one pancake it might be okay. That peanut butter looks awfully good though. Maybe just portion the peanut butter out to one tablespoon and melt it so it looks like you have a lot. But if you ate a pancake and peanut butter could you put syrup on top? Probably not. That would be way too many calories for this meal. What in the world would you eat for the rest of the day, right? Then after the argument and justifying which foods you should eat and shouldn't eat you grab a couple pieces of fruit, maybe some of your own oatmeal (that wasn't on the table) and water.

Do you see what I'm getting at here? I personally lived my life like this for 7 years. In the "health and fitness" world there are always people telling you, "don't lose your goals during the holiday season" and,"be mindful of what you're eating so you don't ruin what hard work you've already put into your body".

Do you think you're still fully experiencing life at this very moment by not eating the scrumptious Christmas breakfast that someone you loved made for you?

No, it's not! Everyone at the table is groaning, because of how amazing their pancakes are while you sit at the same table and have no opinion, because you're eating your fruit and oats.

Food is apart of the experience in most situations!

Eat the freaking pancakes and chill out!

Hanging out with friends/family FREELY with no restrictions

Do you remember the last time you were invited to get some drinks after work or froyo on a Sunday afternoon or you were invited to a strange restaurant you’ve never been before?

Did you go or did you opt out, because you didn’t have enough calories to eat what you wanted for dinner AND have a couple drinks with friends, or you weren’t sure how to exactly calculate the froyo into your MyFitnessPal app, or the restaurant your friends were wanting to go to didn’t have any “healthy” platters so you had to spend valuable time out of your day to look up the menu and choose the least calorie filled plate? If you have done one or all of these to get out of having fun with friends…you’re not alone, and you’re not crazy. Okay, maybe a little crazy, but that’s why you’re reading this!

Now picture getting invited to one of these places—drinks, froyo, or dinner—and immediately saying YES! You’re not having to count, measure, or weigh anything. There’s no need to look at the menus, because you’re going to eat what you want and the world will still be spinning, you’ll still be alive, and when you wake up the next day you will look exactly the same, and you will have more memories then if you decided to be a hermit and not go out with your friends!

For some of you saying yes to these invitations is easy breezy, and you don’t understand why I’m taking the time to even explain why someone would do this. But for the others reading this, and myself, this WAS (or still is) us. This was how I would go about my everyday…trying to track, fit, and count every single morsel or food and macro that entered my mouth. Spontaneously getting invited to parties, dinners, or any event made me anxious. Literally, sometimes I would even have a panic attack. I would look up Youtube videos on how to accurately count froyo on my MyFitnessPal app, but just in case it wasn’t accurate I wouldn’t eat full meals before the outing, because I didn’t want to go over in carbs. I would spend so much time looking at the menus of the places my family and friends wanted to go to so I could already plug the numbers into my macro calculator to make sure if I should only eat 1 piece of bread…or maybe none so I could have half a sandwich, and soup…or I could eat a piece of bread with no butter and just eat the soup…but of course I would get the vegetables as a side, and ask for no added butter. No way, Jose.

Lets take a glimpse into the present tense. Every invitation I receive from my friends or family dealing with what used to scare me, I say YES! I say yes, because I don’t want to say no to life anymore. The freedom of going out with friends and feeling “normal” and not waiting for someone to touch the rolls first is one of the greatest feelings I’ve ever experienced and I want everyone who is dealing with this issue to experience it too. Because you deserve to feel FREE and you deserve to have 2 rolls at dinner, with a side of baked beans and not go home and stare at yourself in the mirror and cry, because of the “bad” decision you made! You’re better than that!!

Go eat a roll!

TRAVELING

I remember traveling to Canada by myself when I was in high school, and I had to stay the night with one of my sisters since she was going to drive me to the airport. She was such a great hostess that she made me a goody bag I could take with me full of a whole bunch of fun food. I glanced in the bag, said thank you, rolled it back up and stuffed it in my bag. “Who was she to think I would eat this crap?” “She knows that I’m better than that!”

We were leaving for the airport at 5 A.M. and coincidentally that’s when Krispy Kreme opened. Great. She pulled into the parking lot and we walked in. The smell of freshly made donuts filled my senses and I for sure thought I had died and Krispy Kreme was heaven. Anyway, she told me that when she leaves her house in the early mornings she makes her way over to Krispy Kreme and she figured I would want one too. DUH! DONUTS ARE MY FAVORITE! The man started to hand me a fresh, hot, donut right off the conveyor belt…”No thanks.”

I literally said, “no thanks”, to a FRESH donut! How stupid, right?! (insert rolling eye emoji here). My sister kept asking if I was sure I didn’t want anything, and I kept refusing…trying to show her my true self discipline and motivation to remain “healthy”, while wishing I could just eat one.

Just eat one, but I knew if I had the rest of the day would mentally eat me up. Knowing how many grams of sugar, carbs, and fat that was in that donut was my main concern…not the fact that my big sister thought it would be nice to feed me before I went on a 3 hour plane ride to California. Makes sense, huh?

Selfish.

The very first traveling experience I had with no prepped food, no weighing mechanism, and no on board snacks was in 2015 after my first (and only) body building competition. My family and I were heading out to a family reunion in Iowa so we packed up the car and drove 8 hours to see people I didn’t even know. I felt vulnerable, not prepared, alone, and just really really open to the world…not in a good way. I was stepping into a whole other dimension that I’ve never been apart of before. I ate fast food for the first time in years. I had several helpings of Kringla (Norwegian cookie…made from heaven), and so much breakfast food it was outrageous. This was the start to a long road ahead to recovery. When I say long road…I literally mean the longest road I’ve ever been on in my life. After this trip I suffered with depression on how and why my body was changing. Yes, I was happy I ate what I ate, because I missed those foods so much, but I felt guilty and shameful for spending that time with my family and just 'letting go' and doing what I wanted with no restrictions. Although there were no food restrictions, there were mental restrictions that I had to conquer later in the journey.

My most recent venture was in 2016 to California to visit friends. All they could talk about was the food. Food this, food that. They kept telling me about how California food was the absolute best and I would love it…the burritos, Mexican food, and burgers…everything was the best. Do you know my reaction to this?

“HELL YEA! Let’s eat it all!"

You see, by diving in with both feet when I knew that the life I was trying to lead wasn’t the life people needed to look up to and realizing there was an issue, now I’m able to travel and experience the world with no regrets, no excuse to not try a certain food, and no restrictions with my food or mental being.

Peace of Mind

I explained above that the people who have been living a life of restrictions are a little crazy. Don’t take it too personally, because I’m the one writing this, which means I’ve had my moments of craziness too. Like…a lot of crazy!

So what do we do about the crazy?

1. Breathe

2. Don’t overthink it

3. Take a step back and remember that life is too short to be so restrictive and grumpy about food

4. Make the decision of what you and your body want…not what you think your body needs or what other people think you need. What do YOU want?

5. Stop being crazy!

How to stop being crazy:

First, you need to accept that the way you’re living is NOT the way you were designed to live. God did NOT make you and place you on this earth to go to bed and wake up every morning being anxious about food. Anxiousness does not add years to your life, in fact it shortens your life.

Secondly, after you’ve accepted this fact ACT on it. Don’t mope and bask in self pity because there’s something wrong with you. Put your big girl britches on, read some self help books (great job with this pick, I think it’s pretty awesome myself) talk to someone who actually cares for you and will help you out, and DO SOMETHING. Do something proactive that will HELP you in your recovery. You can’t expect the anxiousness and the craziness to just disappear one day, because it won’t, I promise. You have got to put in your 100% and dig deep to reach peace of mind and mental freedom.

The baggage that insecurities have on women is insane. When I would get into a conversation about physical features I would mentally curl up in the fetal position and cry until the subject changed and I could be apart of the conversation again. This is a subject that women feel uncomfortable talking about, because they don’t want to be vulnerable and truthful about what they think about when they’re at home all alone or when they couldn’t fit into any of the clothes they could wear in college. Your mental health is priority number one. Without your mental health you will not be able to fully recover from this way of disordered thinking. Make up your mind today that change is here and you will do whatever if it takes to break through the walls of insecurity so you can live a life having peace of mind.

Mind and Body communication

Once I threw away my food scale and text my powerlifting coach and told her that I couldn’t go through with the programming, because of how strict I had to be with counting macros, I was lost. This was the first time since seventh grade I wasn’t on some sort of plan or diet. I had no idea what I even liked or disliked or how certain foods made me feel. I had even forgotten what it was like to feel hungry and satisfied/full. See, through many years of restriction, planning my meals out, eating “clean”, and especially counting macros I never gave my mind a chance to listen to my body and feed it the foods that it really needed. No, I’m not just talking about to train, but the kinds of foods I just wanted during the day. It was such a struggle not counting macros, because I didn’t know what I wanted. I couldn’t necessarily tell anyone about this struggle, because how weird would it have been if I was like, “my stomach is growling…should I eat or should I wait until later?” I journaled everyday for a few months trying to figure out this whole eating thing. After a few months went by I started to feel so good. My digestive system was finally working again (it hadn’t since middle school) and after a full year of not having a period because of the disordered habits I finally had a period. My body was FINALLY working optimally again. I couldn’t remember the last time I had felt this healthy!

What I’m saying is simple. Counting calories and counting every macro doesn’t give your body the choices it needs to work optimally for you. There were several situations to where after my macros would run out for the day (meaning I had eaten all the food I was told I could eat) I would still be hungry. This would also happen vise versa. My body wouldn’t need anymore food, but I would have 120 more carbs left…well I’m not hungry so why should I eat?

Well, you shouldn’t!

In conclusion, you can't be in control of everything, especially what you eat every moment of every single day. Let your mind and body connect and eat what feels good at that moment!

Enjoying GOOD food——without guilt

Do you realize that the health and fitness industry is a multi billion dollar industry? This means they have found exactly what people ‘think' they need, weight loss. They’ve taken it and ran with it.

They promote the "normal" things people do...(i.e. eating and exercise) and have corrupted it to the point to where people are labeling themselves as "bad" because of the food they've eaten or the workout they haven't completed.

I used to be this person, while staring at donuts or eating more than my designated macros, "I don't want to be bad today, but I want them so bad and I'm still hungry. Maybe I'll eat it now then be good tomorrow!"

I would also be the one posting on social media, "Cheat meal!! I love eating bad food!"

The association between the words “guilt”, "bad" and "good" shouldn’t even be in the same sentence as the word "food". Food is here to nurture and sustain us physically, mentally, and emotionally. We hear that emotional eating is bad and we shouldn't do it. Well, you know what?!! If you're sad and you think a candy bar will help...guess what? Go out and eat a freaking candy bar! Give yourself permission to nurture yourself emotionally and mentally.

I promise you that everything will be okay!

Eating kale isn't good nor bad (in my opinion I think it's freaking nasty so I won't be eating it). Eating a Subway sandwich is neither good nor bad, eating 2 rolls as an appetizer and eating your whole meal isn’t good nor bad.

I hope this makes sense to you.

There's no such thing as eating "good" and “bad" food. If you label foods this way then once you decide to eat out of these labels your mentality will be challenged and you will realize that you will feel guilty for eating amazingly yummy food.

Food is food. There is no good or bad.

And that’s it.

Your body is MADE to do so much more than lose weight

When was the last time you were thankful you could walk?

When was the last time you thanked your body for creating new life?

When was the last time you could hold your baby without any complications?

You see, our bodies were put on this earth for numerous other reasons than to lose weight. We weren’t made to step on the scale every morning and punish ourselves constantly by trying to lose extra pounds.

Our bodies were made to MOVE! We were made to hold children, and to conceive life!

Mother, I challenge you to really really think about your body and how INCREDIBLE your body truly is. Look at your baby and remind yourself everyday that YOUR body created that little person. If that isn’t miraculous then I don’t know what is.

Our bodies were made to travel. To hike up the mountains with friends and watch the sunset.

Our bodies were made to dance. To dance with your new husband on your wedding day.

Our bodes were made to feel. To hug a loved one who needs you the most.

Our bodies were made to free fall. To go sky diving or ride a roller coaster.

Don’t be a slave to the metal thing in the bathroom that flashes numbers in your face.

Go out and MOVE!

People are watching...

When I say 'people are watching' I am pertaining to the little people.

No, not midgets or Munshkins…#duh.

I’m talking about your children and the children around you!

Nine times out of ten parents (mostly mothers) don't realize how much of an impact their talk makes on their children (mostly their girls).

"We can't eat that. We don't want to get fat."

"I need to lose weight."

"There are too many carbs in that. We should find something different."

"I don't like my body...I really need to change."

"Let's go run off that ice cream we ate last night."

By saying things like this in front of children you're inevitably setting themselves up for failure.

The truth sucks sometimes, but it's true.

These little girls around you will start to think just because mom needs to lose weight I need to lose weight. And because mom doesn't like her body then I shouldn't like my body either.

She'll associate eating with exercising and burning calories.

*side note: the definition of exercise has NOTHING to do with burning calories!!

Exercise: "any activity that improves health and fitness."

Why do you think we hear SO many adolescents say negative comments about the way they look?

It's all they hear their favorite actresses on T.V. talk about. Then they think if the actresses are saying those things about their bodies and they're famous and everyone “likes” them then that’s how they should feel about themselves in order for them to gain a well known social status.

The only talk children should hear you say should be positive and uplifting things especially when it comes to your weight or your children's weight.

If they hear mommy saying she hates her body or even talks about dieting those little ones are going to grow accustomed to hearing those negative words and they will start to act on them. Have you ever wondered why young children ask if they’re fat or tell you they’re fat? Though society plays a huge roll in the influence of your children you also have a great influence.

Here’s a great example. My mother was the perfect definition of health in my book. She loved to move! She loved her potato chips and ice cream, but also loved her nutritious foods that fueled her body. We would go on walks together and lift together. She gave me the love I have for the gym. My mom never once talked about her body, but celebrated the fact that she could eat and she could move.

Once I got into middle school I would ask her why I was bigger than all the other girls and she would always tell me that I was just big boned and I still had baby fat and I would grow out of it. Well I didn’t realize that that was her way of comforting me since I was actually bigger than all the other girls! She would also say that I was definitely my father’s daughter due to my physical statue. All through middle school I would be confused as to why my older sister could eat like she did (we called her the garbage disposal), but when I would eat a normal meal I’d feel like I gained 20 pounds in a matter of minutes. She always told me that I could eat like my sister if I was as active as she was…this is when I really starting exercising for the caloric burn instead of enjoyment. "The more calories I burned the more I could eat!”, I thought. This thought process would lead me down a road of destruction mentally and physically.

There were times when I would ask my mom how I could get rid of my belly. She said if I stood up straight then I wouldn’t have a belly and it would become flat. I tried telling her several times that even when I would stand up straight I would have a belly but she never believed me until she corrected my posture one day, because she could see my belly and I proved to her that I had been standing up straight the whole time…I just had a belly! She turned back to her computer and didn’t say a word.

That day is burned in my memory because that’s when I correlated “being good” with not having a belly. She would always compliment me on my legs but when it came to my midsection there would always be something wrong.

Now, if I could ask her about those conversations today I know she would say that she didn’t mean anything negative or hurtful by her comments, but to my little ears at the time all I was hearing was, “You’re fat! You have a belly and that’s disgusting! If you want to eat today you’ll have to burn several calories to EARN your meal!.”

All I’m saying is that words are very very important! I look to my mom for the perfect definition of health. She was so proud of her body and what it could do. It was never about the outward appearance! Be careful with the words you choose to describe yourself, others, and your children.

The seeds that are planted in their little minds now will be harvested when they’re older.

Lets make their harvest fruitful and plentiful!

YOUR WORTH ISN’T IN YOUR WEIGHT

Lets get our orientation and mindset around the simple word “worth”.

: good, valuable, or important enough: deserving of:

: the value of something measured by its qualities of by the esteem in which it is held

: usefulness or importance

: an amount of something that has a specified value, that lasts for a specified length of time, etc.

: the value equivalent to that of someone or something under consideration’ the level at which someone or something deserves to be valued or rated

Now think about yourself. Do you consider yourself to be of worth?

If you answered YES, great. You can skip this section.

If you answered NO, great. Keep reading.

Think of some ways you consider yourself NOT to be worth it.

So you can get a better understanding I’ll list a few ways I didn’t feel worth it a few years ago.

- I never felt good enough because I was always corrected and/or my parents were never ever satisfied with my work.

- I felt like my body wasn’t good enough.

*I was an athlete but I didn’t look like all the other girl athletes (straight body, no boobs, flat stomach) so I always thought I was doing something wrong.

- I felt ashamed for who I was. On the outside it looked like I had everything together but once I was alone I would rip myself apart with my words and physical harm.

I did not feel worthy enough to take care of myself!

I did not feel good enough to not let the lies of society mentally shatter me and break me down.

Instead of finding my worth in MYSELF and in God I found it in my physical attributes. I let how I looked decide on the attitude I would have for that day.

Think of all the times you spent obsessing over your weight, weighing your food, counting every calorie, saying no to plans with friends because you weren’t sure where they were going to eat and you didn’t want to feel “tempted” to eat “bad” food. Now think of all the times you could’ve been spending on YOUR passion, family, or friends. Maybe starting your own business or going out with friends. Whatever it may be choose to do what YOU want to do and shift your mindset and L O V E into the things you need in life.

My one and only request is that you will take these 9 reasons and implement them into your daily life so you can experience freedom from the scale, the numbers, and the war between your mind and body. Remember that if you want this new freedom you must be all in and set these reasons into play today. I promise you that if you give your 100% you will experience the chains being lifted from the bondage of the number game.

Be Relentless and always be moving forward!

Thank you dearly,

Bethany Michael Langland

email: [email protected]

IG: betsmichael

FB: relentlesstraining16

0 notes

mindasvastasspace · 6 years

Text

Reunion with Mom, pt 1 (self para)

Boarding the plane, Kylar’s mind was racing with so many scenarios of how things were going to work out the moment he stepped off the plane and reunited with his mother. Given their...colorful...past together, he’d been hesitant to even bother to show up this year for Christmas, seeing as she’s been one of the main sources of his childhood traumas he’d had the burden of bearing his entire life. But he’d sensed a change in her over the past month or so, over texts and phone calls to one another—as if she’d finally realized that he was her SON. Her family. Her one child she’d been given to as a miracle. That change is what had convinced Kylar to come back home for the holidays. If they hadn’t been talking and getting a better understanding of each other over the past month, Kylar would’ve stayed in Florida, or taken Mason up on his offer to go to Canada for Christmas. After getting off the plane, he sent his mom a quick text to let her know he’d landed safely and headed right down to baggage claim to grab his now-overly stuffed luggage, thanks to his shopping and “father-son”bonding weekend he’d had worth Gerard (who at this point was a better father than his own flesh and blood.) He’d planned out to meet his mother around baggage claim, so he picked a spot where he’d be easy to find, set his suitcase down and played around on his phone for a while, texting his friends to let them know he was okay, and to the few he trusted explained how he was actually feeling, considering the situation. Nervous, anxious, happy and excited; all lumped into one emotion he honestly had no idea how to categorize. But it was making him antsy. Completely on edge. Enough to have him standing with one hand in his pocket and playing with his fidget cube and typing with the other. After a few more minutes, he heard a familiar voice calling his name, and felt his heart freeze.

“Kylar!!” He looked around, not knowing where that voice was coming from. He felt his heart racing faster, the fight or flight reaction he got every time he spoke to his mother once again taking over his body. If he ran, he could easily get away. But no. He had to face his fears. He wanted things to change between them. When he finally saw her, his jaw dropped.

His mother looked completely different. Her hair was more tame, was what he first noticed. It wasn’t the way-too-perfectly sculpted, Christian stepford wife do up she’d always had that he’d been so used to seeing. It was dyed blonde, straightened, and honestly framed her face very well. Instead of pastel sweaters and slacks, she was in a nice red pea coat and black leggings, a white scarf around her neck and tucked into her jacket, with a matching beanie on her head. She looked like a completely different person. Enough for Kylar to not even recognize her at first.

“M-Mom...?” He spoke slowly, pocketing his phone and bit his lip. Her smile was the same it’d always been, and that was what made him realize it was actually her. “H...hi, I didn’t even recognize you.”

“Ky...” she walked a little closer, unsure as to go in for a hug or not. They’d never been that close.

“Yes, Hi, Mom. It’s me. Your gay son. Hello.” Kylar said flatly, pocketed his phone, slung his backpack over his shoulder and grabbed his suitcase. “You look different. Can we go now?”

“Kylar. I know what you’re thinking and we have a lot to talk about—“

“You have no idea what I’m thinking right now, honestly. Im cold, Im tired and hungry and I just wanna get home, okay?” He paused, realizing he might be being a little too harsh. “I’m sorry, I’m just. This is really, really hard hard for me, Mom. But I’ll tone it down. I don’t wanna be angry right now. You really do look great.”

“I know. I get it. And, um. Thanks.” She smiled back, seeming like she took the compliment to heart. “Let’s go get you something to eat.”

He followed her to the car, without another word, lost inside his own thoughts. He knew he had every right to be heartless to her, but that’s just not who he was at all. He did have a grudge and a lifetime of resentment towards her, but. It just wasn’t in him to be so cold. He literally did not have the capability to be angry for more than a few minutes at a time. The last time he saw his mom was on his 21st birthday, where she was nowhere near in control of herself. She’d always seemed fine on the outside, what with the usual church-lady attire and bright sunny demeanor. But when it came to her son she’d always been nasty. Verbally abusive, cold, and ignorant. Completely unaware of the abuse she’d been dealing him his entire life, always hopped up on pills and downing booze the moment the clock hit noon. But now she seemed like a completely different person, and Kylar didn’t know how to process that. Was she just fooling him? Manipulating him to try and get him back? Or was she actually in this with his best interest in mind? He had no idea, and that was part of the reason why he’d been so nervous and anxiety ridden ever since his trip back to Chicago had been set in stone.

The car ride back was, for lack of a better word, awkward. He didn’t speak, his words still spinning around in his head every time he tried to grasp at something to say. She didn’t speak either, so between the radio and the sound of the road under them, it’d been pretty silent. The house looked all-too-familiar once they parked by the curb, and again, Kylar felt that surge of anxiety course through him. This was the house that he’d spent his senior year in, the old, run down little townhouse in the heart of south side Chicago that he’d tried to forget about the past two years. The scene of the crime, he thought. This relic of the past was the last thing he’d looked at before he packed up and left. Part of him regretted it, but the bigger one knew it’d been the right thing to do at the time. But here he was now, nearly 3 years later, and it looked exactly the same as it always had. Old, run down windows, slightly peeling paint on the sidings, and a short flight of run down stairs leading up to the barely-crooked front door. As he got out of the car, he looked up at the top left window, the one he’d snuck out of so many times in the past. A tiny remnant of the makeshift rope ladder he’d crafted years before was still visible hanging off of the windowsill. Seeing that made him smile a bit. A smile which faded away the moment he remembered why he’d snuck out countless times in the middle of the night.

I have to see him while I’m here,he thought. His ex. The one person he knew that was in town that never judged him for who he was. Dean was coming back in a few days, but until then? Nobody. He’d promised he would meet up with his ex, since they were still extremely close and obviously still had strong feelings for each other. but that was a whole different train of thought Kylar forced himself to log away for now. After taking a slow, deep breath to calm himself, he walked up the rickity steps, careful to avoid the rotted wood on the third step up and waited for his mom to open the door, expecting to see the same old, far-too-clean OCD interior he’d been so familiar with growing up.

“Welcome home.” His Mom said, opening the door for him and let him step inside first. He watched his feet as he crossed the threshold, stopping in his tracks the moment he looked up. The house was somewhat the same, with furniture in the same exact places and the stairs leading upstairs to his right. But something felt different—he couldn’t quite place it, but it felt more homey. Less stepford kind of creepy. His mom had apparently decorated before he got there, with tinsel and multicolored lights lining the hand rail of the stairs, christmassy decorations hanging on the walls and scattered around the kitchen and living room. She actually had a tree for once, which was new to him. All they ever could afford before was skimpy, run down spruce trees that nobody else would buy from the lots but this? This was a real, tall pine tree, the aroma coming from it somewhat soothing to Kylar.

“Wow...you went all out didn’t you?” He offered a smile, this one actually genuine. She returned it with a nod as she took off her jacket and hung it next to the door.

“Eh, it’s nothing really.” She replied. One of the phrases Kylar had inherited. “I just wanted you to feel welcomed back. Since , well.” She huffed. “it’s been a while.”

“Yeah....” Kylar silently replied. “So I’m gonna go put my stuff in my room. I’ll be back down in a bit.” Without waiting for a reply, he hopped up the stairs by two and walked down the hall to his old bedroom, not surprised that a single picture of him was on the walls. He expected that. But what he didn’t expect was that his room had looked exactly the same as it did when he’d up and left. The band posters on the walls, anime action figures lining the shelves where he could fit them between his books; his sewing machine against the wall and the vinyl record player in the corner next to his TV...everything had been preserved exactly like it was before. Even his sheets were the same black and grey striped ones, just washed for once and neatly tucked under the bed. His little Stitch doll was even still on his pillow, exactly how he’d left it.

“Hey, Stitch...” he couldn’t help but smile as he dropped his suitcase on the floor and went to sit on his bed, put the Stitch doll in his lap and played with the oversized ears. Looking over it, he saw the stain on the doll’s hand from when he’d spilled black dye on it when he’d changed his hair. There were some good memories in here, he thought, and once he realized that, he actually felt glad he’d come back home. Fighting back some tears, he set Stitch back down and took out his phone, laid down on his neatly made bed and texted back some friends, letting them know how he was doing. Because he honestly was, deep down. Still a little anxious, but less so now that he was in his safe space. The one room in the house he couldn’t be touched or hurt in. Halfway through replying to Olly, he remembered something. He set his phone down, shifted to look under the bed and blindly reached around until he pulled out a cardboard box, and immediately felt a huge grin form.

“Oh my god...” he said aloud, pulling the box out a little more before picking it up to put in his lap. all this old, prototype, amateur photography was still in here. All the Polaroids of him and his friends from Detroit before he moved, along with old ones with him and Dean. A million of himself and his ex, which was a pretty harsh sting to the heart. and some of his friends from Chicago as well. That really hit him hard, and he couldn’t stop the tears this time and just started sobbing, enough to have to set the box aside as to not ruin the memories of his past and just let the tears fall. Hearing his mom coming up the stairs, he quickly sat up and wiped his eyes with his sleeve, smiled, and looked up right as she walked into the doorway. He figured she knew how he was feeling, seeing as she didn’t ask questions.

“Um. I made some cocoa if you want some?” she smiled. Kylar nodded and wiped his eye of a stray tear, smiling back.

“Yeah. Thanks. I’ll be down in a minute.” He replied. She nodded, and he stopped her as she turned to leave. “Hey, Mom?”

“Yes?” She turned back, almost with a hopeful look on her face.

“Thank you...for letting me come back. I know we weren’t on the best of terms and we still aren’t exactly but—”

“Kylar, shh. You don’t have to say another word. You’re welcome, honey.” He looked up at her. She’d never in his life called him that before. Admittedly, that did make him feel a little warm inside. Standing up, he hugged his arm to himself and bit his lip, as if not knowing what else to say at the moment. Before he knew it, he felt himself practically falling forward, unable to control his body and hugged his mother for the first time in years, the tears escaping him once again.

“Fuck, I’m. I’m s-sorry I left. I’m so f-fucking sorry...Mom. I just felt so trapped, and hurt, and unwanted and I thought you hated me and I didn’t know what else to d-do and, and—” He managed to let out a jumbled stream of words before he could even think about what he was saying. Feeling her hug him back made the tears fall even harder, a small wail and a deep inhale escaping him.

“shhhh just take a deep breath.” His Mom replied, somehow a lot calmer than he was. Like she had had plenty of time to think of exactly what to say. “you have nothing to be sorry for. You did exactly what you should have done.” she pulled him away so she could get a good look at his face, holding his head in her hands, tears forming in her eyes as well. The same big, brown eyes she’d given to her son. “I’ve been absolutely awful to you. Horrid. And beyond wretched and unfair. There’s not even a word for how horribly I’ve treated you and it. It took you leaving for me to realize that.” Kylar was speechless, and could only respond with another gasp for air and a nod, hugging her tighter. “There’s nothing in this world I can do to ever, ever make up for the things I’ve done. The things I’ve said to you. But I’ll be damned if I’m going to try, baby. I love you. You’re my son. My only son. and I’m sorry it took me this long to realize that, Kylar. I can’t change who you are. I never should have tried. And I’m proud of you. Im so fucking proud of you.” Kylar let out another muffled sob against her shoulder. “And I know sorry doesn’t mean anything, I know that....” all those words were exactly what he needed to hear. What he’d waited for her to say for the last decade. She’d been emotionally manipulative in the past to have things go her way but this. This was different. something resonated in her tone for him to realize that she most likely did mean every word she said. And that meant the world to him. It felt as if a weight had been lifted off his shoulders after years of it constantly being there, keeping him down and burdening him.

After a couple more minutes, Kylar finally collected himself and let her go, smiled sheepishly and wiped his hands over his face.

“God, I probably look like a mess...” he managed a haughty laugh, sniffling quietly as he wiped his eyes dry. “That cocoa sounds really good about now.”

“Awww...” his mom ruffled his hair, just like she’d always done when he was a kid. But this time it wasn’t menacing. It was actually a comforting gesture for once. “C’mon. We’ve got a lot of catching up to do.” With another sniffle, Kylar nodded and let her lead the way downstairs.

Over multiple mugs of cocoa, his mom got Kylar up to speed. After he’d left, she’d been upset. All the calls he ignored from her, the unanswered texts and emails...it had taken her a long time to realize just how her son had felt, but when it did hit her, it hit her hard. She realized without him, she was completely alone. Her husband had walked out on them a year prior to Kylar leaving, and got together with a younger woman. Whom she’d found out he’d been cheating on her with for the last couple years. Kylar had seen that one from a mile away and even commented, into a drink of cocoa, “fucking called it.” After that realization of hers, she’d turned to the church and found Jesus, as she always did. Kylar wasn’t religious at all, so he kind of tuned out at that part of her story and let his mind wander as he half-listened, half processed what was actually happening. She prayed, begged for forgiveness, and started on her own journey of personal reflection and reformation. She quit drinking, stopped downing Xanax like candy and changed her appearance,ultimately becoming a better version of herself. And when she was finally satisfied with that, got back in touch with her son and insisted he come home for Christmas. Kylar let her talk with no interjections besides the occasional “asshole” and “dickless fucktard” when his father was mentioned, each time gripping his mug a little tighter. Ultimately, they had a nice, lengthy chat, catching each other up on their lives. This was probably the most meaningful conversation they’d ever had between the two of them, and for once it didn’t end in a huge argument and him storming off upstairs to hole himself away and dissociate. He told her about Florida, and school, and hid new apartment. About how close he was to Magic Kingdom, and how he’d scored his job at the studio thanks to a very, very close friend of his he considered a sister he’d never had. He told her about all his other new friends he’d made, famous or not, and now he was tight with the “emo guy from fall out boy” and the “eccentric artist of my chemical romance”. Both of which she was in awe of, seeing as they were all he talked about all through his teenage years. He still had posters of both of them up on the walls of his bedroom and had no intentions of ever taking them down.

“My, my, my little boy’s all grown up.” She smiled at him. Kylar just shrugged and took another drink of cocoa.

“Eh.” He replied. “Where it counts I guess.I still don’t know what the fuck I’m doing half the time.”

“Uh huh. You still doing that, um. Cos...play? Is that what it’s called?”

“Yeah, what you used to call glorified dress up. Remember? You said that any hack could do it because it’s the same as Halloween?” He replied with every amount of sass he could possibly put into words. He could see the pain in her face as she heard that and it was, admittedly, satisfying to see. His smirk proved that.

“Yeah...that. I don’t even remember saying that.”

“It’s okay, Mom. You’re not the only one that thinks it’s weird and a waste of time. But it’s fun, and elaborate, if you wanna make something that means something to you. And it takes a lot more effort than you think. You should see some of the stuff I’m working on now. Been sewing and drawing them out for weeks now.”

“I would love to.” She smiled back, nodding. That response made him feel pretty good.

“Cool. My friend Olly took some pictures of me as Sora at Disneyworld so I can dig those up and show you later?”

“Sounds great, Ky.”

“Cool.” He felt another smile grace across his face. “Listen, um. I’m exhausted, it’s been a long week and I’ve cried more the past few days than I have in months so I really need to sleep for a while. But we can talk some more later? Grab some lunch?” He got up from the table as he spoke, rinsed out his mug and set it in the dishwasher and started headed toward the stairs, stopping on the first one as his mom responded.

“Of course. I did promise you ice skating, after all.”

“Oh yeah, no, I didn’t forget about that. You’ve got like two years to catch up on, Mom.”

“I know. We’ll get there.”

“Yeah. Yeah, we will.” Kylar nodded, smiling to hold back another wave of emotions and headed back upstairs to his bedroom. As soon as he closed the door behind him, he stood in place for a moment, still trying to wrap his head around what an emotional, eventful morning it had been, and finally found it in himself to flop down, face first, into his bed, and cuddled up with his beloved Stitch.

“It’s gonna be okay, little guy.” He said aloud, hugging the doll tightly. Within minutes, he was fast asleep, with a single tear slowly trailing down his cheek.

0 notes

ohmyknit · 7 years

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Going with God to #OML2017

So I thought I would give you guys a little background info on my personality so you can understand my thoughts and actions better. I am a very shy person and I tend to hide that fact by being confidence. I am the last of five kids so I'm use to being part of groups where I never really had to do any the talking, figuring things out, etc. I don’t go out very often. I rather stay in and make, read, or watch anime. That being said here’s what’s was going through my mind when I went to attend the Our Maker Life 2017 Toronto Canada event.

Thursday (July 13, 2017) I left everything I knew behind to head to a country that I never been to, to meet a bunch of people I only knew from an online site. And although it was scarey it was an amazing experience. It had it's ups and downs but mostly a lot of firsts. It was the first time I took public transportation, an uber, and attended a knit night. This weekend I met complete strangers who turned into friends and people I felt like I known for years; only through their social media pages! What really loved about the whole experience was that everyone was exactly how they were online. Down below are my thoughts and feelings on the whole trip. Well at least my before and afters.

Pre-trip thoughts:

I’m really looking forward to going on this trip. I’ve always wanted to travel but I never had a traveling partner. I’m hoping by going on this trip alone I will gain the confidence I need to start traveling on my own and also reach the point where I can live on my own in another state or country with minimal problems. It’s kind of weird going to a place where I don’t know anyone and will be on my own most of the time. Of course, there are the other makers that will be there but I have not met any of them offline before. It seems surreal to me that in an hour I’ll be on my way to the airport then eventually on a plane and leaving behind all that I’ve come to know in these last 17-24 years. It feel almost as if there will be a part of me that I’ll be leaving behind to die because when I get back I feel as though I will not it recognize it and it me. “The old has pass away.” My sister, Andie, said to me once, and I’m paraphrasing; “Living on your own is hard but you learn and experience so much. That makes it all worth it.” And my mentor told to me, “Being on your own is a bit surreal. Out there you’re all alone. Just you and God.”

My family is panicking because I am the youngest of the bunch and we usually always travel together. They’re worried and I just keep telling myself that, that’s what they are suppose to do. After all, they all love traveling in groups. I, however, found out that I love being alone so traveling alone seems like something that’s completely obvious, it’s funny because I didn’t find that little fact out until just last year. A lot of stuff changed last year;

2016:

Jan - I started going to a new church

July - I went to a concert out of town with a friend

Sept - I went to a concert out of town on my own while visiting a friend

Nov - I met up with a small group from my church to go a concert

2017

Jan - June - Attended a bunch of different events my church was hosting; I haven’t made any friends yet so I’m usually alone. (Don’t get me wrong everyone at the church is sweet and helpful. I just haven’t found a buddy that I can hang with regularly.)

July - Going out of the country on my own to meet up with a group of friends

The Lord has guided me through all the new experiences and I believe that he will guide me and make my path straight to get to where he wants me to go. And the best part in the midst of all of this is that I am enjoying life. He has come to give us life to the fullest! No matter where you are. For I have plans for you declares the Lord. Plans to prosper you and not to harm you. Plans to give you hope and a future.” Jeremiah 29:11.

I did have to give myself a pep talk when I got nervous when I was in Canada though you can read about it here.

Pre-Trip Exceptions:

Weather: Cool but not freezing. Says it’s suppose to rain maybe. I brought an umbrella just in case.

Plane Ride: Long but I will keep myself entertained

Hotel: Nothing fancy and no wifi but it’s a great deal though. All I need is a roof and a bed.

Knit Night: I won’t know anyone and I might not make any new friends. But I will give lots of hugs.

Meet up: I should take notes. I’ll bring a notebook I might need to bring a bigger bag though. I will give lots of hugs.

Last Thoughts: So excited to go on this trip. My greatest fear is forgetting something but it’s okay because I can also buy what I don’t have. But still why buy when you can save?

Post Trip thoughts:

It was loads of fun & I wouldn't trade it for the world. I definitely feel more confident with traveling on my own. Whenever I was nervous about something I simply prayed about it and that calmed me down. It almost felt like I’m been traveling for the longest. It felt so natural. I was able to easily communicate with people; even complete strangers! (That’s really big for me!) I checked in the hotel, I took public transportation; a bus and two trains to downtown all on my own! & I didn’t forget anything. The only downside was that I didn’t plan any sightseeing. Other than that I had a fantastic time. I even started planning my next trip as I was getting off the plane from Canada. I’m thinking at least one trip every 6-7 months.

Post Trip Reality:

Weather: It was really nice. Not nearly as hot as Florida it was more of a dry heat; which is so much better than a wet heat. It was chilly when the sun went down but nothing that I needed a winter coat for. Also no rain!

Plane Ride: Ascending sucked because my ears popped like crazy. The descent wasn’t too bad. I had my knitting with me so they time flew by. When I was flying back t; maybe it’s because I haven’t flew since 2008. Coming back was a breeze though; I was asleep (or trying to sleep) for most of the time; my flight was in the AM.

Hotel: There was wifi and my room was amazing. & I had it all to myself.

Knit Night: As soon as I sat down people started talking to me and I made good friends. It felt as though we knew with other even though we didn’t follow each other on Instagram. I suppose it’s because we had things in common.

Meet up: I took a few notes.The notebook fit into my smaller bag good thing to because we receive so much swag. The swag bag were seriously so big. I’m thinking I’ll contribute to next year’s swag. I also fangirled at everyone I knew.

Last Thoughts: Basically had the best time of my life. I’m seriously already looking forward to next year & planning out my vacation. Praise God that I can say all of this. Seriously God has blessed me and built me up to this point and He deserves all the glory.

Now enjoy these fabulous pictures:

My first ever Knit Night! These ladies were so welcoming! Shout out to Courtney (@ilovetinderbox), Ania (@creativecolourfuldreams), Zoe (@knitbyzoe), Lauren (@amenagerieofstitches) and Luna (@luna.craft).

Sarah from @repeatcrafterme was the first one I took a picture with. I was talking with her for a good 5-10 mins and it wasn’t until we exchanged social media handles that I knew who she was. She is amazing!

Jewell from @Northknits She knew who I was before I even introduced myself. She’s the founder of OML & a great speaker. You should listen to her Instagram lives!

OMGOMGOMG Brittany of @bhooked I fangirled so hard. She sounds just like her podcast. If you haven’t listened to them here’s the link. She taught me how to shop good deals for yarn.

Chantal from @Knitatude She’s real you guys! & she’s exactly as she is online.

Alison from @la.reserve.designs She’s the reason I block my projects, y’all.

Ashley of @ashleyerikadesigns was sweet.

I can’t believe I got to meet Emily of @thebluemouse_ I wish we got to talk more!

Vanessa (@vanessaknits) and I are the same size! She was also the first one I hugged when I got to Canada!

From left to right: Vanessa (@vanessaknits) Chelsea (@chelsea_knit_photography) & Tristan (@theartrist) These ladies are amazing and so kind!

Twining is wining! Love this picture I got to take with Kelly of @Knitbrooks

Last but not least. Toni from (@Tlyarncraft )Shes does it all guys. She’s a big part of the reason Ohmyknit.com exist today!

Now for the fancy pictures. I stole this from Our Marker Life’s facebook page, shhh.

Speaking with Toni. #bestillmyheart

When I won one of the giveaways. It was literally my first time winning a giveaway. (Did I mention that I made my cardigan and skirt. Both knitted.) Cardigan is a longer version of the Cropped Raglan Sweater by Lion Brand The skirt is of my own design.

Talking with Ashley and fangirling. I see you too Courtney! Courtney (@ilovetinderbox) was my Toronto “tour guide” I had Indian Food for the first time with her and Lauren (@amenagerieofstitches)

Caught me off guard in this one. #forevertouchingmyhair

I saw this one coming lol. It’s @knitterei beside me! Can you believe I was sitting beside her for hours and didn’t know until I saw her social media handle on her name tag.

Group shot, groups shot! Can you spot me or any of your favorite makers?

Here they are, the OML Dream Team! From left to right: Alison (@la.reserve.designs) Kelly (@Knitbrooks) Jewell (@Northknits) Nathan (@loopnthreads) & Kathleen (@country.pine.designs) I got to take pictures with 3 out of the 5. Next year for sure I will take all the pictures!

#OMK #OhMyKnit #Small business #Etsy #Etsy Seller #Etsy Shop #Etsy Owner #Business #Knitter #Crochet #devotion #devotions #traveling #oml2017 #ourmakerlife

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