#I want Cain in some inconsequential role too

[elliewilliamsblunt]

(¯`·¸.-~*´¨¯`*·~-. 𝕋𝕙𝕚𝕟 𝕚𝕔𝕖 .-~*´¨¯`*·~-.¸·´¯)

Notes!: hi guys! So I tried to listen to the comments on my last post, wanting longer chapters and that's what I did! May have taken me a minute but it's here. But! This chapter will be in Ellie's Pov. Starting the outlook on her relationship with reader and god like an opposite approach for Ellie's backstory. (Which is a bit of a long start.) One thing clear is that Ellie resents the Christian/Catholic faith and you'll see why, which also leaves a small gap between her and the reader being close! :) she also isn't phased by being gay so teehee

Summary: she was never a fox…but another lamb awaiting the slaughter. A new sacrifice to his sins…please don't ruin her…

TW: self-image issues, identity struggle, trauma, ptsd, religious trauma, homophobia, internal homophobia, attempted SA (!NOT FROM READER OR ELLIE!)

*If you don't like dark themes, angst/horrific reads!!DO NOT INTERACT!! If you get mad at me I warned y'all.*

Chapter one, chapter two

Past tense= italics

Present= Normal

↞chapter three↠

“I was too young to notice, that some types of love could be bad.”

⛧°。⋆༺♱༻⋆。°⛧•𓆩⚝𓆪•⛧°。⋆༺♱༻⋆。°⛧

Ellie POV

If there was one thing that was clearly apparent in Ellie from a young age, was that she wasn't pleasant. The girl wasn’t sweet, nor angelic from her very birth. She was a whiny baby and an even more stubborn tot. Something that would have been cute in the eyes of other adults. But her parents weren't fond of children, and Ellie certainly wasn't a blessing. Just a very taunting mistake every time she opened her mouth.

While you had the comfort of cozy bedrooms, fulfilling thanksgivings, and a stable spot to live. The copper-headed girl's roots lay in the hazy landscape of a trailer park, barely overseen by her inebriated parents whose faces she could never remember. Walls adorned with faded paint exuded the stale aroma of nicotine and weed, while unwashed dishes amassed, breeding a newfound aversion to insects within Ellie. Nights often greeted her with gnawing hunger, exacerbated by merciless seasons when the air conditioner succumbed to its demise. These were the trials Ellie grew accustomed to when she was young. Because it was the only comfort of a family she had at the time, even if her parents treated her like a leashed mut weeping on a sweltering lawn.

Though her memory was always quite fogged, what she could trigger were either agonizingly loud arguments or suffocating silences that left her to fend for herself for days. Clumsily prouncing around the cluttered trailer in faded t-shirts that swallowed her whole. Desperate for even the slightest acknowledgment from her parents, she often found herself longing for their gaze or a meager morsel of attention causing her rowdiness. Even now looking back on those tumultuous times, she sometimes wished her parents had beaten or screamed at her. If it meant she could have some form of feedback. Yet, such hopes remained unfulfilled, as Ellie was deemed purposeless and inconsequential in her parents' eyes, a mere shadow within the blurred backdrop of their drug-induced existence.

Home, or what she could’ve called it, didn’t last much longer. For the one afternoon she could remember clearly was when it all ended. Confined to her room once more, she listened as her parents' arguments escalated into relentless strife throughout the night. Such nonsense was hardly unexpected; her 'father' had always assumed the role of aggressor, juxtaposed against her mother's perpetual state of hopeless romanticism. The woman was horribly dependent and weak, striking a source of frustration in his eyes, but he never did resort to physical violence towards Ellie. But instead left her to endure her own anguish. Locked up in her room wailing until exhaustion lulled her into unconsciousness, dissolving her fear into a tranquil gentle calm.

When she awoke, the familiar silence was punctuated by a new sound—the sound of weeping from the living room. Intrigued by the unusual disturbance, she dragged herself off the carpet and ventured down the narrow hallway. There, she encountered her intoxicated mother, tears streaming down her face, abandoned by Ellie's father. The scene, now marred by shattered glass, overturned furniture, and faint traces of powder beyond Ellie's comprehension.

"Momma?" she ventured tentatively, prompting her mother to cast her gaze upon Ellie, truly seeing her for the first time in what felt like an eternity. It was a fleeting moment, yet it etched a single memory of her mother's worn visage into Ellie's mind. Her mother appeared weary and prematurely aged, with dried blood caking her nose, a bruise marring her cheek, and one eye swollen shut, smudged with remnants of old eyeshadow. "Hey, Els..." her mother murmured in response, attempting to offer a forced smile amidst her tears. Ellie, Oblivious to the gravity of the situation, Ellie beamed at the attention, too young to harbor any ill thoughts toward her caregivers. "Why are you crying, Momma?" she chirped cheerfully, watching her mother's dreadful stare stiffen shifting gears from her feigned amusement. Hinting at the girl's bleak future ahead.

"How about we go to church today?”

༺♰༻

Ellie couldn't remember the last time she had been outside, or when she had been normally dressed. Well if you considered stained baggy jeans and a thrifted t-shirt decent. But she couldn't complain really, the breeze was nice and the sun was lovely on her freckled neck. Walking hand in hand with her mother, it felt almost like a rebirth or what a birthday felt like had she ever had one. She didn’t really understand the simplicity of it or well any normality in a way. Which made her gears turn in suspicion seeing as her mother hadn’t ever shown her this much attention let alone affection before.

"Where are we going, momma?" Ellie would inquire, but the silence stretched on, her mother's expression unyielding. While they strolled down a gravel road for what felt like hours till they reached the town's edge. Passing by grassy fields and scattered countryside homes before coming upon a grand chapel teeming with playful children and vigilant nuns. The sight filled Ellie with anticipation; she had rarely encountered other children outside of television. "Why don't you go play over there?" her mother directed breaking the silence, prompting Ellie to beam with excitement as she dashed toward the group.

Like a dream, the day unfolded swiftly and hazily. Yet, as with all dreams, the afternoon gradually descended into a bittersweet conclusion. The little girl's smile would wane as exhaustion set in, and her lungs stilled aflame from the fervent play. The sky slowly painted itself in hues of orange and pink, and the church bell tolled, signaling the end of the day's reverie. The children, obedient as most lambs, gathered under the watchful eyes of the nuns. But Ellie remained rooted in the tall grass, her gaze scanning the field for her mother, whom she couldn't see.

But she didn't shed tears or utter a scream; instead, she simply waited and muttered a faint whisper…

“Momma?”

༺♰༻

What Ellie didn't grasp back then in her abandonment, was that her stay in the orphanage wasn't going to be a short-term. Which was a hard subject for the little girl to grasp during recess times when she'd stray from the nun's view just waiting longingly by the gravel road every day. Only to return to the older women with a snotty nose and damp cheeks. Ignoring the caregivers' pleas for prayer or companionship, she remained fixated on her mother's absence. Because she wasn't interested in anyone's attention besides her mother's. She grew even more stubborn by the day trying to battle her frustration and betrayal. Screaming at the nuns to leave her be, beating the girls who mocked her mother's disappearance.

Until one day the pastor took note of the stray after he finished the morning sermon lingering behind while the others dashed outside. There Ellie stood with a pitiful frown just peeping by the door uninterested and going out much more. “What happened?…you always seemed to be quite eager to get out” he teased. He was tall and had a pale slender face with some patchy facial hair. His eye bags were an odd irritated pink while his hair was overpowered with gray. Undeterred, he chuckled at her defiance. “If you'd like to stay inside…I have somethin’ to show you.” he offered, gently tousling her coppery hair. Causing her eyes to light up with interest as he turned away walking down the long halls.

After a few moments of quiet contemplation, Ellie followed the man into his dimly lit office. With its closed, imposing windows and small framed Bible verses, it exuded a somber atmosphere. “Not much of a talker are ya?” He'd joke. But in reality, Ellie was quite loud, despite the past few weeks she just didn't want to amuse him or explain. “Your mother wasn't much of a talker either…or that's at least what the nuns told me.” Unperturbed, he delved into the task at hand, rifling through his cluttered desk until he unearthed a handful of weathered and stained documents. “I don't want to break your spirit much more than it has been…but there's no use for moopin’ on a woman who doesn't want a darlin’ like you around.”

Ellie's brows knitted together in confusion at his statement, her eyes darting quickly to the papers in his hand. Even trying to yank them from his grasp. Before being swiftly denied as he raised them out of her reach. “Easy there, this is important stuff ya hear.” he cautioned, before delicately unfolding the documents in front of her. "I'm afraid there's no note or anything of the sort," he explained gently. "Just your birth information and hospital records."

That final blow caused Ellie’s silence to break, while freckled cheeks flushed red with anguish. She couldn't help but sob, starting to tug at her choppy hair as salty tears streaked down her face. Her heart torn apart and her hope shattered, she uttered incomprehensible pleas through her sobs. W-what?! N-no no no! You're wrong! My momma is coming back!!” she’d wail. Alarmed, the plasterer gently pulled her wrists away from her head, his voice tinged with urgency. “My god! Child don't punish yourself for her! That woman doesn't deserve your tears," he insisted sternly, trying to console her as she looked up at him, her agony palpable. “Come on….it ain't all bad here. You'll start school, and you'll find a new kind of family. It'll be alright.” But Ellie shook her head in return. “B-but I don't want a new family!” she choked.

“Careful now girl. You don't raise your voice like that.” The man would quickly interrupt causing Ellie's tears to pause and her face to lose some of its color.

Maybe then….should have been the first sign….

As quickly as his stern demeanor had dissipated, the pastor extended a tentative smile and reached out to gently rub Ellie's cheek. "Maybe we got off on the wrong foot," he began, his voice softening. "Names David and I promise I'll help you settle in." Ellie met his gaze with a small, timid expression, her name barely a whisper as she sniffled softly. "Ellie," she murmured in reply. “Ya know, what you remind me of Ellie?”

The girl shook her head ‘no’ in return waiting for David to go on. “Ya remind me of a lil fox cub….got Auburn hair like em…young like em.” He’d murmur tenderly adjusting her untamed hair, causing her to tense slightly with the unfamiliar touch. "Fox cubs are born blind and deaf," he continued softly, "but with guidance, they learn to see and hear. Maybe if I and the other nuns can help you open your eyes and ears to God you’ll see, it ain't so bad here." Though, even at that tender age Ellie couldn't believe a word he said. So, unwillingly she nodded in response earning a smile from the off-putting man.

“Don’t worry, I’ll take care of ya lil girl.”

༺♰༻

"Wake up by 7 am, breakfast at 8, morning sermon at 9, classes until noon, lunch at 1, followed by Bible study and afternoon classes until 4, then free time until 9, lights out by 11." This rigid schedule would soon become Ellie's bane by the age of 10. She'd venture every hall, read every verse, memorize the insignificant prayers.

Ellie was bored with her life…

But, her disdain for the routine was mostly rooted from the incessant bullying she endured. In her eyes, Catholic kids were nothing but "prissy, egotistical dicks," Or that's at least what she'd claim. Not that she was wrong, she just remained oblivious to the other side of the coin. She couldn't ever understand the girls who obsessed over magazines they stole from the nun's offices. Or the hypersexual boys she was growing up with.

Ellie's awkward demeanor and biting sarcasm only served to isolate her further. Even attempts at humor with older kids resulted in a bloody nose and lectures from the caregivers. And while you may think adoption could give her a glimmer of hope, living in Wyoming felt more like being marooned on an island—sparse and distant, frequented more by the elderly than young couples. But even then when they'd show, they were much more eager to take home a cute tot not some washed-up girl with anger issues. Left with little choice, she had to acclimate to the orphanage's dreary routine. Even if meals were tasteless, or television was practically non-existent. The boundaries of the orphanage felt like prison walls. Like she was being constantly mocked by god that she should be grateful for this bullshit. Sometimes, she even considered the feeling that the trailer she was born in offered more comfort than the institutionalized existence she endured, now that was melodramatic.

Because it wasn't all bad, she went to bed with a full belly, she slept in silence, and at least she had David. Though he was first and foremost the pastor, not a friend per se, he was the closest thing she had to a father figure. He was the only one patient enough to tolerate her bullshit. Teaching her about the ways of god, or at least trying to. But even if he was a bit…odd sometimes or the way other girls would avoid his gaze. She found him to be surprisingly decent partially because he was the only one who was kind to her. And didn't degrade her for being unpleasant. Sometimes even watched with a smile when she'd clumsily dance around outside with her walkman. He kept up with calling her ‘his little fox.’ Humiliating enough, Ellie let slide without a thought about it because it felt…sweet…and caring. The guy also went out of his way to gift her a journal to jot down her thoughts. After getting her shit rocked by some stuck-up “Claire” chick. When she sat in the chapel steps in the rain, taking the journal into consideration.

“What’s this?” She’d ask the older man while he smiled shrugging his shoulders. “A Journal.” He remarked. “For what?”

“Anything really, for ya thoughts…even stories, or maybe you could take up art I bet one of the nuns would be happy to teach ya,” David added leaving the girl surprised over his consideration. “Really?” Ellie asked softly earning his chuckle. “Just don't go tellin’ the other kids I gave you a gift.” Ellies gaze softened with a nod before she sighed. “You…don’t really gotta worry about that.”

“I don't see why you let 'em get to you girl, nothin’ wrong with bein’…..different” The paster would mumble making her stir with annoyance. “You’re not the one getting hit for it are you?” she’d hiss. But to her surprise, David remained amused. “Believe me, kid, I know all about bein’ different.” He murmured in return reaching out to brush a bit of dried blood off her chin.

“Get cleaned up and come inside, it ain't right for a pretty girl like you to be in the cold.”

༺♰༻

By the age of 14, Ellie found herself grappling with the tumultuous onset of puberty, an experience she likened to being "kicked in the ass," as she often put it. In contrast to the other girls who were psyched to have curvy figures. But Ellie didn't think much of it, awkward and self-conscious, especially in comparison to the other girls.

Her flat chest and tomboyish appearance made her a target for more of the girl's gossip, leaving her to grapple with her insecurities late into the night. Staring at her reflection in the dormitory's unforgiving mirrors, she couldn't shake the feeling of being too scrawny, too rugged. The sight of herself in the uniform nightgowns only intensified her discomfort, fueling the relentless taunts she inflicted upon herself.

Along with her new intrusive desires when she'd stare a little too long at the other girls. Watching them dry their hair or simply wash their soft faces. Often leaving Ellie stumped with shame and shyness. Not to mention the longer stares from David that shifted her into a brief distance. Taking time to consider the girl's rumors especially when he’d reach out to toy with her choppy hair and whisper. “It’d look nicer neat…”

Only soon she’d cut it off with a glass shard while her stomach churned seeing her reflection in the mirror….

Unsettled and a bit tense, she decided not to think about it. But things, only got worse when she got her first period because she didn't have the graciousness of a mother. But instead an elderly nun far too fucking cheerful for her liking. Spouting nonsense about womanhood and fertility instead of actual information on cycles. “Don’t go lusting now! Stay away from the boys save yourself for marriage!” she’d holler in conclusion humiliating her in front of the other girls as she left the infirmary.

“I don't think you'll ever need that will you lesbo?” Claire would taunt her chuckling with her friends. Leaning on one of the dusty walls of the chapel only to be interrupted with a scoff. “Oh shut up Claire don't you have lunch to hurl?” A girl would taunt in amusement making the brunette flush with utter embarrassment. “Screw you, Riley!” She squealed storming off while her friends mindlessly followed.

Leaving Ellie shocked and her brows furrowed in confusion as she took in the sight of the new girl. With her brown skin, captivating hazel eyes, and a cascade of curls, she exuded a quiet confidence that immediately left Ellie flustered. Summoning up the courage to speak, Ellie tentatively inquired, "Are you new here? I've never seen anyone shut down Claire like that before..." She questioned slowly. “N-Not that I'm mad I mean if anything thank fucking god,” Ellie added mentally cursing herself for being so scrambled.

The corners of Riley's lips curled into a snarky smile as she responded, “Hey watch your language…I mean we are in God's home.” she’d humor before going on. "I guess I'm a bit new. I arrived a few weeks ago, but I guess you've been too wrapped up in your own world to notice. It's like that journal of yours is your lifeline," she teased, causing Ellie's heart to race with a mixture of embarrassment and intrigue. “Oh? I didn't know you were so interested in my life?” the younger girl countered back.

“You wish…” Riley hummed before shyly laughing. “But it's not like there's anything else to do..”

That was the first time…Ellie felt it….in a long time.

Pure happiness….but something else too….something she couldn't pin down….

༺♰༻

Skipping Bible study, dozing off during sermons, and sharing sacramental wafers with Riley for a snack became Ellie's new routine as she transitioned into her teenage years. It was a schedule that didn't sit well with the nuns, especially David. Who'd silently glare at the girls in a horrific way that even made Ellie stir. But the girl couldn't care less, because she had Riley. If that girl was anything she was cereal at night, of the sun through storm clouds. She was the ride-or-die that Ellie couldn't bear a moment without. If anything she stopped her from going “Batshit crazy.”

However, their friendship seemed to fuel Ellie's rebellious streak even further. She pushed boundaries by sneaking wine and cigarettes from the nuns' quarters and regularly escaping to the nearby lake with Riley. Where, Riley patiently taught Ellie to swim, sometimes playfully pretending to dunk her underwater until they were both drenched, their laughter echoing across the water.

As they lounged on the sun-drenched grass afterward, their bodies pressed close, they shared tender, innocent kisses, their fingers intertwined in sinful affairs. "Do you ever think about leaving?" Riley's voice was soft, her smile gentle as she posed the question. Ellie shrugged nonchalantly, a small laugh escaping her lips. “Course I do….I mean…I just…wouldn’t know where to go…how to start.”

"Well, anywhere would be better than this... staying here, becoming a caregiver... I'd rather die," Riley joked, her laughter contagious. Ellie playfully nudged her shoulder. "Please! You becoming a nun? After everything? That'd be a miracle," she teased, earning a playful smack in return. Their banter faded into a comfortable silence, the weight of their shared dreams and uncertainties hanging in the air, but Riley had another thing in mind. “What if we ran?” She’d suggested dazing up into the trees.

“What do you mean?”

"What if we left... tonight?" Riley's voice was filled with excitement, her eyes shining with anticipation. "The nuns are busy with the younger kids, and David's caught up with the remodeling. If you could just... sneak into his office and grab our records, we could maybe ditch this place..." Her words hung in the air, charged with possibility, but Ellie's expression shifted to one of worry.

"What? No. Hell no, I can't do that," Ellie protested, her concern evident in her voice.

"Come on, Els! He likes you the most! Even if you got caught, what's the worst he could do?" Riley pleaded accompanied by a gentle squeeze of Ellie's hands, which inexplicably sent her heart racing, drowning out the voice of reason.

"Okay, but even then, what about money?" Ellie's practicality interjected, her mind racing with the potential consequences.

"Donations, probably somewhere in his office," Riley replied quickly, her confidence unwavering. "Come on, Ellie, it's a solid plan! Please?" she pleaded, her eyes pleading for reassurance.

Ellie's lips tugged into a shy smile, her resolve softening under Riley's relentless persuasion.

"Okay”

༺♰༻

There was a sneering chill on Ellie's skin, now pickled with goosebumps. When she finally returned to the church it was around 6 pm. The nuns were busy watching the little ones, and David was out front chatting with the two brothers giving the church a fresher layer of paint. Giving her just enough time to sneak back in with Riley still guiltily soaked from the brief escape.

"I'll grab your stuff, then we'll head out, okay? Meet me behind the chapel after." Riley whispered hastily, and Ellie nodded timidly, bidding her a silent goodbye.

Before she ventured down the chilled, dimly lit halls, her heart racing with unease as she approached David's eerie office. Thankfully, the door was unlocked, allowing her to slip inside and close it behind her in a panicked rush. Immediately darted over to his cluttered filing cabinets, frantically sorting through them for any records she could find. But just as she located her and Riley's records and shoved them into her back pocket, she heard the jingle of the doorknob and David's voice echoing through the room.

"Hello? Hey? Who locked this?! Who's in there?" His tone growing increasingly agitated as Ellie's ears picked up the sound of him retrieving a key. Racing against the clock, Ellie hurried to the window near his bookshelf, pushing it open as quickly as she could and preparing to make her escape. But she was too late. In an instant, David seized her by the hips, causing her head to collide with the window sash before she was forcibly dragged back inside.

“Damnit girl! What the hell are you doing in my office!” He sneered pushing her against the bookshelf roughly causing her to hiss in pain. “I wasn't doing anything!” She hissed in return earning a fierce glare from the man. Before his hand reached to grasp her cheeks roughly. “Don’t lie to me now! I know you got something!” He yelled in return before letting his other hand pat down her body disgustingly while she jerked. Until his hand reached over her bottom tugging the folded papers from her pocket. Causing him to dryly chuck holding them to her green eyes tauntingly. “What the hell is this Ellie hm? Where did you think you were gonna run off to? Where you really just gonna go off with that little Riley girl huh?” He questioned sternly.

“It’s better than this fucking place.” Ellie huffed glaring back at him as his nose flared with a heavy breath. “I think I've had it with your mouth little girl. And that Riley girl ain't a good influence on ya either-” David started before she quickly interjected. “She didn't do anything damnit!”

“Like I'd believe that,” He’d huff in feigned amusement. “I see the way you two girls act…even look at each other… it's sickening. And under God's roof? What happened to my little fox…” He questioned longingly, letting his calloused fingertips trail down Ellie's cheek while her jaw tightened. “I’m not anything to you, fucking perv…” She whispered.

The was a still, and horrid silence between the two. Leaving Ellie to watch David's eyes darken and his brows to furrow in betrayal. Until he slowly leaned in to whisper. “I think I outa’ set you straight.” Immediately making the girl’s heart stop in pure fear. Once she felt her back hit his desk and her wrists above her head by one of his tight gasps. Everything was so quick…so repulsive as try screamed and tried to push him off while he lewdly grinned working off his belt. “S-stop! Please! Stop! N-NO NO!!! PLEASE! STOPPP!!!” She howled earning harsh smack across the face. “Now now! You keep it down girl! I don't mind a fight but you better stop squirming or I'll make it worse!” He demanded in return.

That's when it finally kicked…Ellie wasn't a fox….but another mourning lamb….no mother to be found…left bare to the sickening reality of the world…to the vial desires of a man who vowed to be a saint….

A decent of god….

She struggled and sobbed begging to get him off, kicking and pushing as he tried to tug down her shorts. Until the door opened…

A tall man dressed in a aged flannel, and baggy sunbleached jeans supposedly thrown on. Aged but imposing, with a rugged yet undeniably charismatic countenance marred by wrinkles and gray strands infuriating his square beard. But for a fleeting moment, his eyes were wide and he stood frozen gazing upon the loathsome scene. Before he quickly closed the distance, his knuckles delivering a resounding crack to Davids's nose.

It felt good…like sun on your skin….or breath after a long mile….he was her savour…

It felt so fucking euphoric to watch…listening to the pastor's pleas and treated drown out with each blow the man threw. Leaving him barely conscious…his face battered and bruised. Painted with purple….speckled with iron droplets.

Sick fucker…

After a few deliciously blissful moments…he rose from where David laid, choked up on his blood. The stranger's knuckles, now throbbing stained in his own crimson fluids..like a grim trophy of justice. His gaze shifted back to Ellie, a now ghost of a girl. With blown green eyes blurred and irritated from her sobs and her knuckles white gripping her shorts in a still lingering terror.

“You alright kiddo?…” The older man would question in a gentle murmur. Tentatively reaching out to rub her shoulder in assurance, but only making her flinch. And all she mustered was a silent nod rubbing her tender cheek….still aching from Davids's blow.

“Tommy get in here now!” the stranger yelled out ducking his head in the window Ellie wished she escaped from. Before turning back to her with a pitiful look…Ellie resented…

“It's alright…I’ll get you out of this mess…” He whispered slowly reaching to pull her into a dreadful embrace she didn't give into….

That's when Ellie decided….there was no god….

༺♰༻

A few days later…

The ride was enveloped with a silence broken only by Joel's brief introductions. Despite Joel's attempts to welcome her…However, she wasn’t fond of it really, since she heard from his bother ‘Tommy’ that he'd lost his daughter recently. Giving Joel a replacement on a silver platter, and her an ‘abandoned kitten look’. Feral, and shaken up from the harsh world they couldn't fathom to understand. Ellie despised that look….she despised pity…and David for that matter.

She had no desire to be anyone's "little girl" again, nor did she crave novelty. She cherished the familiarity of sunny mornings and the solace of the field where she had once shared conversations with Riley until daybreak. Her heart belonged to the sketches of deer she had etched behind the church, symbols of the roots she had grown, and the passage of time she had weathered. Leaving meant abandoning these comforts, bidding farewell to Riley, perhaps with nothing more than a fleeting kiss.

And as she stared down the gravel road, as Joel led her out of her hometown. A pang of nostalgia made her feel six years old again, yearning for the return of normalcy. But fate had never been kind to her…Especially when that pastor got off scot-free….

No evidence my fucking ass…and having the nerve to put Joel in jail for assault…those bastards-

“Pretty ain't it?” His gruff voice interrupted breaking her stare. “Wyoming is just farms and grass…there really isn't much to it..” She pessimistically answered causing him to chuckle. “That’s true…but you'd be surprised how many places look like this…cities are mostly for the rich..” He added with a small smile. But Ellie couldn't return one just turning her head back to the window while the older man's lips softened.

“Well…maybe you'll grow to love it in time…”

༺♰༻

Ellie never knew how cold winters could get…or how old public schools were…or even how quite it was without Riley. But she enjoyed the fact Joel was a simple man, he believed in god. But he wasn't like David, or chapel girls. He didn't resort to violence or cult morals…He was a morally right soul…she could…be a kid…she didn't have to worry about death…and sin.

She could just be herself…

Life after leaving the church was,—though "normal" felt like a stretch for Ellie, who found solace in simple comforts. Despite Joel's shit coffee, she relished having her own room and meals that actually tasted good. Her new ‘lair’ consisted of a bedroom, complete with a boxy TV and a dusty PS3, a far cry from the institutional life of the orphanage, even if it wasn't exactly luxurious. Joel wasn’t a money-making man, the man worked in construction she really wasn’t expecting much.

And although she still bore the scars of her past, she was still a bit wary when it came to trusting Joel completely. But she couldn't deny his kindness, even if he vehemently denied it himself. Taking her to museums, letting her rant about shitty high school, even renting her books about astronomy. He oddly seemed particularly pleased with Ellie's tomboyish nature, a refreshing change from his past struggles to understand his own daughter's phases, particularly her Twilight obsession. Though, he still questioned her nature when she pleaded him to teach her hockey in long winters especially since it wasn’t a…girly sport.

"Why aren't you out with other girls from your school, cheerleading or something?" he'd grumble one afternoon, his head pounding from a long day. While Ellie, in her typical fashion, would retort while debating which action movie to watch, "Why would I hang out with preppy sluts or the pigs? I'd rather watch Kill Bill." She snorted scrunching her freckled nose. Partially trying to cover up the fact she was a bit of a loser….

"You really are an odd girl... You're tellin’ me there isn't one kid you like at school?" Joel persisted, prompting Ellie to tense up. "There's... Cat, I guess," she mumbled softly, her embarrassment palpable.

Joel simply hummed in response, not dwelling on it. "Why don't you go hang out with her then, instead of talking my ear off?" he teased, a hint of amusement in his voice. But Ellie's reaction was unexpectedly fierce, her eyes flashing as if his suggestion was outrageous. "I-I can't just... I can't just hang out with Cat!" she whined rubbing her flared cheeks.

"Why not?" Joel prodded, genuinely curious. "You just don't get it... I'm not that bold, I guess?…I don’t know Joel! It’s just weird..”

"So you can walk around this place like you're tough, but you can't talk to a girl...?" Joel's suspicion lingered in his tone. "Shut it, dinosaur..." Ellie scowled.

"Whatever you say, kiddo…”

༺♰༻

It wasn't until the approaching end of senior year that Ellie finally mustered the courage to talk to Cat, a girl she had been gwaking over since junior year. With a nudge from Jessie, who insisted she’d ask Cat out to prom. Luckily Cat found Ellie's awkward front adorable eagerly accepting. Especially since queer girls weren't a common thing in town. But the girls quickly spun into late-night dates, study sessions, and parties as the days counted down to the dance. Joel wasn't thrilled about it, but Ellie felt like she was finally living out her teenage years. Like she starred in “10 Things I Hate About You,” where her nerdy ass somehow managed to pull the gorgeous “Bianca.”

Her first real girlfriend…

And when prom night came and she was met with the pretty girl on her doorstep. She couldn't ever forget the pretty blue eyeliner and her lacey black dress, paired with the leather jacket Ellie had lent her. Along with Joel's shocked yet embarrassed look on his face when Cat greeted her with a sweet peck on the lips, his presence catching them off guard in the living room. Fortunately, Joel didn't seem to mind much, only offering a quiet plea that they refrain from such displays of affection in front of him, if only for his own dignity. Pondering the “friendship” he was proctoring those weeks.

Life was well, senior summer was lively filled with Dina, Jessie, and Cat. Traveling across Wyoming, getting tattoos, basking in the short summer of the country. Until then bitter start of fall faded in…and it was back to school…

Even if she had no interest in college she’d go for Joel’s sake. Though it seemed pretty fucking difficult seeing as expensive it’d be even for just in-state…ontop of that he didn't have much funding to send a kid to college, with his daughter gone most of his money went into his own hobbies.

Joel was retired….Ellie was grown now…she needed to get it together…

But fuck it was hard…and she was a striving pessimist… Well until she saw the checked-on scholarship offers, her eyes lighting up over the email.

“Girls hockey! Financial aid and insurance offered! See details below”

༺♰༻

Present…

“It’s fucking bullshit Joel!!” The auburnette hollared into her phone, storming out the sink early. While chilled winds brushed her cheeks as the reddened. Not exactly pleased with the news of being a rookie babysitter. When she could be spending time taking shifts at the records store, or hanging out with her lover. “It ain't that serious Ellie…” the older man grumbled annoyed with her stubborn complaints. “Are kidding?! Maria just taking in some newbie who can barely skate! If she keeps up with this bullshit we won't even reach nationals!” She cried out in frustration feeling her chest tighten. “Then it’ll be local games and t-then the team will be useless and broke and-”

“Ellie!” Joel huffed in return. “What?!”

“Now look here, you are far to old to be havin’ a goddamn tamptrom over some new girl. With that attitude I'd be surprised if you made it anywhere! But if you keep crying rather than helping this girl out what do will happen to the team?” The older man scolded causing Ellie to sture with embarrassment. “S’ still bullshit..” She retorted earning a sigh. “Just…be nice for Christ’s sake I’m sure you know what it's like to be alone…”

“Whatever….”

“And quit giving your aunt a hard time before she actually kicks from the team.”

“You know she's bluffing.” Ellie hummed, as her anger faded and her lips tugged into a cocky smirk. “Still…can you be less of a smart ass?”

“You’re killing me dude..”

“Love you too kiddo.” Joel snorrted before hanging up. Leaving Ellie to sigh in silence but there was still one thing clear….

You better not fuck up what she has…

⛧°。⋆༺♱༻⋆。°⛧•𓆩⚝𓆪•⛧°。⋆༺♱༻⋆。°⛧

Notes!: HIIII, thank you for reading! I hope the end didn't feel tooooo rushed, I might edit a bit more later but I'm happy with this! The next chapter picks up with training 🙏 (sorry I keep writing emo shit) but i do want go make this series long so! Please give me feedback if the build up is too slow!

Taglist: @vqxen @shiimer @a-little-bit-of-everybody @bready101 @cloudywithachanceofcrisis

#Spotify #tlou2 #tlou #ellie williams x female reader #ellie williams x reader #ellie williams smut #wlw #ellie x fem reader #slow burn #angst #ellie tlou #eventual smut #lbtgq #ellie x you #lesbians #angst with a happy ending #wlw concepts #wlw yearning

[casimania]

Lucifer AU inspired by Control: Chloe is Jesse and Lucifer is Polaris, except Lucifer and Chloe with time learn to converse and Chloe starts to actually see Lucifer as some sort of apparition. He also still gives her cool powers. Maybe Dylan is Trixie?

I want to say Dan at first thinks she’s gone gone and thinks Chloe’s weirdness with Lucifer is her also grieving but then she keeps looking for her and sort of repels bullets or grows wings or something and he’s like “The fuck” but still minds unsure about the whole daughter kidnapping, but his ex wife is possessed, why not believe there too. Once they’re inside The Oldest House she becomes the Director and he gets hired but as some regular grunt with a gun, while Chloe goes around flying and punching weird apparitions around. Ella is definitely Emily, the Hiss is sort of Michael? He’s been chasing Lucifer for a while. Charlotte is Langston maybe, I want her in charge of something. Linda is still Linda, I guess she’d have a lot of work at the Bureau with all the shit going down. Not sure about Amenadiel, can’t see how to make him related to Lucifer here. Maze too, as a human maybe she’d be something like Arish? It’s hard seeing her as restively normal, but more knowledgeable about paranormal stuff than Chloe and part of security can fit.

#talking tag #luciblogging #maybe she could be a parautilitarian?? #maze I mean #I want Cain in some inconsequential role too #like he does shit with a rock #or he’s still immortal #working for the bureau doesn’t get old or boring at least #but he hasn’t got any particular powers #so until Chloe gets there’s they’re pretty much knees deep in shit #he could be like Marshall maybe

[alittlewhump]

Unbidden - Act 2, chapter 8

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Content warnings: None

Morgan followed the sound of voices through the archives. He'd taken a more familiar route this time, one that skirted closer to the markets than he'd liked. Blaise and Cain were discussing something, but Cain stopped mid-sentence when he spied Morgan.

"Morgan! It's good to see you again, friend, though I had not expected you so soon." Morgan allowed himself a small smile. He'd missed Cain and his stories, his easy friendliness.

Blaise spun around to face him. "What are you doing here? You-" She seemed to lose her train of thought briefly as her eyes lingered at the collar of his shirt. "You should be resting."

"I want to make up for the time I've lost," Morgan said, growing serious again. He didn't feel tired, exactly, and anyway there was no respite to be found in his shared room. "There are demons seeking the tomb of Tal Rasha as well. Time is of the essence. What is it you've found?"

He couldn't read Blaise's expression as he came around the table to look at the books laid out across it. It turned out that finding the tomb would only be half the problem. There was a specific artifact needed to open it, and it had been split into pieces. A staff, which Morgan recognized from a tour of the local museum, and an amulet, which Blaise had already managed to recover from the demons who had held it. But it was not as simple as just having the pieces; there was a strange device required to bind them together, and that was guarded in yet another tomb by magical traps set by an ancient order of mages known as the Horadrim. Cain was familiar with this order, luckily enough, and was certain that he would be able to use the device once they'd located it, and it looked like Blaise had already eliminated several options from a long list of possible locations for that tomb.

It was growing late in the day, though, and Blaise flatly refused to start a new expedition before the morning. "You might be fine," she groused, not sounding as though she believed that to be the case at all, "but I'm hungry and tired. I'm going back to the palace. You can come with me, if you want. You could probably use the rest."

Morgan didn't want to go back, not yet. He looked down at the map on the table in front of him. Most of the marked locations were far enough from the city to be troublesome, but within a reasonable distance of a waypoint. Potentially good ways to keep himself occupied, to make sure his skills hadn't suffered too badly from disuse. Unfortunately, he'd never accessed most of the waypoints. He would need help with that.

"I'll stay here for the night. I can catch up on research." He paused. Perhaps someone else could act as a guide, someone he wasn't already deeply indebted to. "Is there someone who could show me to these waypoints?"

"Yeah. Me. Tomorrow." No luck there, then. Blaise put one hand on her hip. "Are you really sure you want to stay here?"

"Yes." He'd fled his room for a reason. If he didn't have something useful to focus his attention on now, he was going to come apart at the seams. He just needed to occupy himself, and that was going to be much easier here.

"All right, fine. But I'm not going to take you anywhere tomorrow if you haven't gotten any rest."

Anger flared suddenly hot in Morgan's chest. She kept insisting he rest, as though he hadn't just lost - how much time exactly wasn't clear, but it was certainly at least a few days of precious time, while she apparently picked up the slack. Did she still think of him as a child, someone who needed to be taken care of? Just another responsibility to shoulder? He slammed his open hand down on the table, growling "I don't want-"

He caught himself there, squeezed his eyes shut. Took a deep breath. Control. She had every reason to see him as an inconvenience, and that wasn't important. How others perceived him was inconsequential, he reminded himself. The only thing that really mattered was the Balance. His most important task was to find and stop the demons intent on upsetting it, and he wasn't going to get any closer to that goal by antagonizing a person who could help him. What he needed was her cooperation, not her respect.

"I apologize for that outburst," he said, opening his eyes but keeping them deferentially cast down. "It was not called for. I have had my fill of sitting idle, but I will rest when I need to."

Blaise was silent for a moment. "That's... whatever. Fine. See you tomorrow." She left without further comment. Morgan smoothed down the paper he'd rumpled in his childish show of temper. Not counting the claw vipers, it had been a long while since the last time he'd let himself get agitated to the point of lashing out. He was still on edge, not feeling quite settled in his skin after all that had happened. How long was it going to take him to get back to normal? He would have to focus his meditation on regaining emotional control for a while. This type of behaviour was totally unacceptable.

Cain cleared his throat. "Shall we continue? I believe I have at least another half hour in me today." He smiled warmly and Morgan relaxed a little. He could count on the scholar to leave well enough alone, to focus on the task at hand as he so badly needed to do.

"Yes, please."

Cain dedicated the better part of the next hour to filling in details about the Horadrim and their role in imprisoning Baal. He had managed to put together a diagram of the runes he suspected would be holding the demon lord in place, which Morgan set aside carefully to memorize later. He also had a general idea of the area where the Horadric cube, the device required to reunite the staff, was located, and what manner of traps would be securing it. The trouble was that the desert landscape had shifted over the intervening years, so none of the nearby landmarks were there any more. It was in this general area that Blaise had been concentrating her efforts, having gotten clearance from her superiors to pursue the lead. She had made impressive progress. Hopefully she would still be willing to work with Morgan after he'd repaid her efforts with nothing but a short temper. She didn't tend to accept apologies well, though. He'd just have to work harder at making himself useful.

After Cain retired for the evening, Morgan settled into what felt like a reasonable pattern of alternating between study and meditation. He had to ease himself into it at first; the urge to focus all of his energy on the problem of finding the cube was very strong. But the longer he studied, the more he realized he did need to rest himself properly. Once he passed the initial hurdle of forcing himself to stop and meditate, it was actually a relief to do so. It was good to meditate with peaceful intent again. The familiar, uninterrupted mental exercises were calming in a way he'd sorely missed, and it felt like a luxury to be able to sit in a comfortable chair again. Of course, everything felt like a luxury, compared to... well. It was nice to have a fresh appreciation for the small things.

By the time the sun was coming up, Morgan was satisfied that his understanding was at least adequate. Blaise and Cain found him leaning over the table comparing two maps, trying to pick out notable landmarks from the older one that might still be recognizable in some way.

"Good morning," he greeted them, looking up from his comparison a few seconds later. Both appeared to be in reasonably good spirits.

"Morning. So, do you still want to go out today, or do you want to keep studying?" Blaise lingered at the threshold while Cain made his way around the large table.

"I'd like to join the search today. I've rested," Morgan added quickly at the expression that flickered across her face. "More than I expected. I can keep up."

"Right. Get your gear and some breakfast then, we should go before it gets too much hotter."

Morgan flinched as a hand came down on his own. He'd almost forgotten Cain's tendency towards this sort of casual contact. The old man patted his hand twice, smiling encouragingly.

"Do stay safe out there. Good luck."

"Thank you," Morgan said, sliding his hand away. "I'll meet you at the waypoint," he suggested as he headed past Blaise. She didn't agree or refuse, instead following him out of the archives wordlessly. She only broke her silence once they were outside.

"You know you don't have to do this," she said, uncharacteristically quiet. Morgan searched her face, but couldn't identify the expression on it.

"No, I do. I can't just stand by and do nothing as evil gathers its forces. As a follower of-" he caught himself, remembering they were out in public. "I am obligated to do everything in my power to ensure that Darkness does not triumph over the Light," he explained instead.

"After all you - I mean, don't you think you've done enough by now?" Her unreadable expression didn't budge. At least it wasn't anger, he decided. That was a positive.

"No. There is no 'enough' until the Balance is righted. And even then, there will always be more to do." It wasn't a single task to be completed, it was a duty that extended past the definition of 'lifelong' as most people knew it. Long after his body was dust, even long after his spirit faded, there would still be more to do. It just wouldn't be his to do any more. But since there was still life in him in this world, he had to keep working toward the larger goal.

Blaise seemed unsatisfied with his response, but they had reached the waypoint. "Well, I guess I'll scout ahead while you get yourself together. If I'm not here when you get back, just wait for me."

"Very well." He turned to head towards the palace. If he was fast enough, he could get equipped and still visit the marketplace before it got too busy. There was a vendor who sold nuts and cheeses, good nutrient-dense foods that would be suitable for eating while travelling. It would save time if he could avoid larger meals altogether.

Morgan was relieved to find his room empty when he reached it. It wasn't that he didn't want to see Jemali, exactly, but he wasn't looking forward to it either. Not before he managed to get a handle on his emotions. To dismiss the lingering ache of disappointment that he'd invited in by allowing himself to believe briefly, stupidly, that the kindness he'd received had been anything other than a transaction. Of course he knew better, but it had been a moment of weakness. Nothing to do for it but try to get stronger.

His equipment was still as he'd left it. Despite not wanting to keep Blaise waiting longer than necessary, he let himself fall into an easy rhythm of tightening and checking buckles, running his fingers along the edges of the straps to find any thinning or splitting spots. It was a pleasantly tactile exercise, and the familiarity was a comfort.

The small bag of trinkets had been placed back with the others. It was tempting to go through them, to satisfy his vague curiosity about the cost of Jemali's service, but he'd already spent more time than he intended here. It was time to move on to the marketplace, then the desert. Yes, it was good to have an itinerary again.

#my writing #story: unbidden

[thesffcorner]

Honor Among Thieves

Honor Among Thieves is the first novel in a YA sci-fi duology written by Rachel Caine and Ann Aguirre. It follows Zara, a teenager who lives in the slums of futuristic New Detroit, who in spite of her criminal record, and problems with drugs, gets selected to become an Honor: a human who will go on a year long journey inside the body of a Leviathan; whale-like sentient aliens who have helped Earth come back rebuild after being on the brink of collapse. Becoming an Honor should be the greatest achievement, but for Zara it seems too good to be true; and it just might be. The way I remember being pitched this book, was a heist set in space. That is absolutely, not the case. It’s actually kind of hard to describe what it is and a big reason for that, it’s that it feels like it’s actually 2 books in one. Part I of this book is spent on Earth, and it fools you into thinking that the plot will be very different from what it actually is. When we meet Zara she is living in New Detroit as a thief, which naturally lead me to believe that this book would involve a heist. We also quickly establish that she is a drug user, that her family is dysfunctional and that her best friend/boyfriend is likewise a thief and a drug addict. Zara steals something she shouldn’t and to escape the people after her, she enrolls herself in a rehabilitation center, where she’s approached for the Honor’s mission. Now, I want you to understand, just how inconsequential and unrelated this whole first third is, to the rest of the book. First, we have a lot of set up: Zara’s backstory, the world’s history, we are introduced to a gang boss who’s apparently all-powerful and all-reaching. All of it is stuff that could be interesting, but it never gets properly explored. Firstly, though I liked the slums of the Zone in New Detroit, they were very similar to most iterations of Detroit I’ve seen/read before; a bit of Robocop, a bit of the Zone in The Big Sheep, just a very typical cyberpunk setting. Zara herself is built up to be the typical cyberpunk protagonist; she has a tragic backstory, has illegal yet useful skills like stealing and fighting, and she’s even a casual drug user. I expected that we would see her overcome her addiction, or that it would stay a permanent part of her character like Case or Takeshi Kovacs; instead once she enters the Honor program, her addiction immediately disappears, and it’s never brought up again afterwards. We likewise spend a lot of time focusing on the thing she steals and on the mafia boss who goes after her; it’s pretty much Zara’s entire motivation for going into rehab. However, this subplot is so generic, and so completely inconsequential to the rest of the novel, that I genuinely forgot it existed, until just now when I sat down to write this review. If Zara’s addiction, and how it ties with this recipe for a synthetic drug is completely irrelevant, and New Detroit is never a location we visit again, than why did we spend so much time on this subplot? There had to be a better way to get Zara off the streets; she could have been arrested, or betrayed by her crew… I just don’t get it. There is another subplot that also goes nowhere, and it’s you guessed it, tied to the plot-cul de sac of New Detroit. Zara’s father was abusive and religiously fundamentalist; this helps inform a lot of Zara’s later decisions, and some of her personality, but we again focus so firmly on the religious aspects, and yet it never comes into play afterward. Why was it necessary that her father was religious? Why was he trying to hog the microphone at the press conference? We never get an answer, and likely never will because the book isn’t about that. So what is the book about? Well, it’s mostly about aliens, loneliness and trust. Once we get to space the entire plot and tone of this book drastically shifts. At first, I had a very distinct Hunger Games vibe; the train ride to New York, the training facility, Marko’s entire character (we’ll get to it). But then, as soon as we enter space we shift to something I can only describe as… Farscape. The Leviathans are sentient beings; they are the size of spaceships, look like whales, can survive in 0G and the void of space and they feed off of sunlight. The Honors get assigned 2/Leviathan and they complete a Trial that lasts a year, after which they can chose to go to a Journey with a Leviathan from which they never return. Supposedly, it’s done for scientific and cultural exchange, but it becomes very clear early on, that something more is going on. Zara gets assigned to Nadim, along with a Brazilian girl named Beatriz. What follows is what I can only describe as a romance between Nadim, the whale/Leviathan and Zara. it was such a dramatic change of tone, pace and even genre that the first few chapters I got whiplash. However, this was the part of the book that hooked me hard, because the relationship between Nadim and Zara is so fascinating and strange, and yet so understandable and immediately engaging. I was rooting for them from the moment she got on board and I found the way the authors managed to capture both their immediate attraction to each other, as well as the slow build of their trust and fondness perfectly executed. There is a scene where the two bond completely, and it was probably the strangest, most unsettling and yet somehow engaging scene I’ve read in awhile; I almost still can’t believe this is a YA book. Nothing is explicit, don’t get me wrong; Nadim and Zara have an entirely spiritual connection, but the way it’s written and just the sheer oddity of a love story between a girl and an alien ship was so not the thing I was expecting with that start of this novel. I almost wonder if one author wrote the beginning of the book, and another the rest; they are so distinctly and jarringly different that I’m genuinely wondering if I switched to a different book mid-reading. If it weren’t for the first chapter where we are introduced to Nadim, I could have sworn these were meant to be two separate stories. The last third of the book is a lot more action packed, and we find out more about the world, the reason for the Journey and the Leviathan’s arrival and what is actually happening. There were a few scenes that were difficult to read, mostly pertaining to physical abuse, which is strange to say since the abuse isn’t human. But it was still written very well and rather graphically and it was hard to read, I found the ending very interesting and I’m sad I don’t have access to the second book immediately, because I want to know what happens next. Briefly, I’ll go over the characters. I don’t have much to say about Chao-Xing and Marko; they were very minor supporting characters, though I expected Marko to play a bigger role than he did, especially since he’s so prominent at the start. The fact that he was Serbian was a weird shock to me; I don’t think I’ve ever read about a character that’s so close to my nationality before (though like most of these sci-fi books, ethnicity and race are oftentimes incidental and don’t actually inform the characters at all). There was also one part that made me cringe into oblivion, where he’s described as having a “Slavic point to his chin”. WTF does that even mean?? Beatriz was a fine character; she’s the more toned down, bookish type to serve as a foil to Zara. I liked that she had a bond with Nahim that was different from Zara’s but she still cared about the Leviathan. Her being musically inclined was also fun, but she just didn’t have a strong enough personality to grasp on. Nahim was surprisingly, in spite of being an alien, the more interesting character. I absolutely loved the way the authors wrote him as both this foreign, non-human entity, while also experiencing a lot of the same emotions like jealousy, humor, fear and even pride. He was a very trusting character, and his push and pull with Zara was really engrossing. There were many points in the book where I felt like Zara did; that if anything happened to him I wouldn’t be able to handle it. Zara was a very typical YA protagonist; she’s spirited, she’s angry, she’s dissatisfied, afraid of being stuck or being controlled, afraid of trusting people and getting hurt and pushing the ones who care about her away. There was a lot of Katniss in her; she has a lot more of a mouth than Katniss, and I liked her quips a lot of the time. She actually reminded me of Takeshi Kovacs more than once throughout the book, which was probably all the bravado hiding pain and insecurity. She was also a black character, and that’s made clear with several descriptions of her skin and her hair. I appreciated this; I feel like I don’t mention that often enough in my reviews, because I don’t feel equipped on judging what representation is good representation, but I overall found Zara to be a well rounded and motivated character. I rooted for her, I wanted her to make it, and I really appreciated that she always stayed suspicious and never backed down from learning the truth. Overall, it was a book that surprised me more than once. It’s not perfect, but I enjoyed it immensely; it would be a full 4 star if the beginning hadn’t been that disjointed from the rest. As it stands I can’t wait to read the sequel; I think this was one of the best executed relationship developments I’ve ever read and I’m really glad I picked it up. If you like aliens, you’ll probably like this too.

#honor among thieves #honor among thieves review #moni talks #book review