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james-is-here · 2 months

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oh? OH? 👀 ��

Part two

Blogs: @heartbinn

Tags: Angst, my first hurt/no comfort cause I have a soft heart and could never go through with it, Chan is the one not getting comfort, Members forget Mn, Made the manager...attached to Mn? He's just as sad to see you go.

Lmk if any other tags are needed. Feedback and comments are welcome, it makes me so happy seeing how you thought of my writings.

You realized something was off when you were 'forgotten' for the second live stream in a row. You don't know when it happened. How it started. You just started noticing more and more that you were being left out.

"Sorry, Mn, I thought you were busy. Didn't think to invite you." They always thought you were busy.

"Hectic schedule, I'm sorry." You guys have the same schedule, that's not an excuse.

"I'm sorry, Jagi, I thought that was tomorrow." Even Chan forgot things.

You never use to be like this. You were all once connected, always talking, always hanging out when there was time. They listened to your feedback, they agreed with your inputs, and when they needed, they'd go to you for comfort.

Now it's like you're a ghost. Present but not visible. You look like a deer caught in headlights when they talk about stuff that you haven't been caught up on. There was one time in the choreography that you were to catch one of the boys and you stood around aimlessly and ended up getting yelled at. You yelled right back because they never tell you anything and you didn't know you had to catch one of them. It wasn't fair!

"Mn, you could've hurt Jeongin! Why didn't you catch him?!" "How could I have caught him if I didn't know that was the next move! You guys don't tell me anything anymore!" "Yeah we do!" "Christopher, Don't lie! You are doing it too!" "Mn!" You didn't care that you disrespected him and used his full first name. You were annoyed.

Your breaking point was two things. The first was when you had to find out about an upcoming album through your manager. He had sent you a preview photo of the album cover and you flew into a panic attack. New Album? When? How? They decided on things without you? You're apart of the group too, how could they not have realized you weren't there?!

The second was when you were waiting...and waiting...and waiting in Chan's room. He had promised a movie night for your anniversary and yet four hours later than when he promised, he still wasn't there. You just left his room, red eyed and absolutely pissed. That night, he didn't even check on you when he came home.

It took a couple days but you had officially left Stray Kids. You couldn't take the neglect anymore, it was unfair, uncalled for. Your manager was sad to see you go but he understood, even he noticed the others neglect but it seemed that when he told them off it went through one ear and out the other.

You packed at night, taking about half an hour to debate if you wanted to take memories of being in the group but instead you just took down the photos of you and the boys and cut yourself out, leaving just the boys along with the few albums and photo cards you kept on your desk, throwing the pieces of you in the waste bin underneath.

Tears streamed down your face as you packed your suitcase. Midway, your realized you folded the two hoodies Chan gave you. You lay one on your bed but decide to keep the white one as you zip up your luggage and start packing your other one.

Leaving in the cover of night let you leave without seeing their faces, without seeing possible confusion or pity pleads to have you stay. In the days it took to be out of the group, you also managed to get accepted into another company. You would've stayed at JYPE if it didn't mean you'd still see the boys that once brought you joy, if you stayed you'd have to put up with them trying to talk you back into the group. You just can't seem to trust them anymore.

You ex-manager was nice enough to take you to your home where you're staying until you can properly integrate into your new company, possibly into a new group. You heard that the company knew you and would be helping you to try and join a group or even help you become a soloist.

That morning, the boys went on with their lives, completely oblivious. It wasn't until after practice and recording that they were finishing up and getting ready to leave the room they gathered in to discuss the album when Chan looked around and finally noticed. "Wait...Where's Mn?" Their manager looked at Chan and the others before sighing. "Really? Haven't I yelled at all of you to stop ignoring him? It took you almost all day to realize?" Your manager felt really bad for what they were doing to you so he did get a bit heated.

"What do you mean?" The manager sighs before guiding the boys out. "Let's get to the dorms." Is all he says. When they get there, the manager makes them sit on the couch, hands on his hips. "Have any of you really realized that you were excluding Mn? I asked him about the album cover and he told me that he didn't even know a comeback was planned to happen. He also told me that you yelled at him for almost dropping Jeongin but you guys never told him or showed him the choreo, how could he have caught him if he didn't even know what was going on?"

With a deep sigh, the manager looks down at the floor before delivering the news. "Mn signed out four days ago..." He looks back up to the boys, staring at him wide eyed. "What?" "He's gone, Chan. I took him home last night." "W-Well, we'll see him at the company at some point right? So he's not-" "He's moving to KQ. He thought that if he stayed at JYPE you guys would stop him at any opportunity to try and get him back. They're already looking to either put him in a group or help him be a soloist." Han was the first to move, running past the manager to run to your room.

The others hear him cry out a moment later then return with your cut photos in his hands. "He's gone..." A few others run to see it for themselves as Han drops the cut photos next to Chan and slides down the nearby wall to cry into his hands.

Chan picked up one of the photos. A picture of you and him, a selfie with him hugging you from behind with his chin on your shoulder. He remembered the negative space where you were, you had your head turned, looked at him with so much love and a bright smile that matched his.

"I'm sorry, Chan...but he was tired of being just a shadow. I wanted him to reconsider but I saw everything and I knew it would be worthless." He saw in the corner of his eyes some members trying to call you only to huff when they got your voicemail.

Years later, they still felt hallow. They were happy and working well but they still felt empty. They know you've blocked them but they still texted you or tried to call you even after this long.

Telling Stay was really hard, they just told them it was for mental health issues but some Stays also noticed the neglect and pieced it together, especially when some fans noticed you in another group.

They were backstage getting ready to preform at the award ceremony the main title from their new album, decked in pirate like outfits with layers and accessories but still dressed a minimum amount to be able to dance.

Chan was helping Felix with his headset when Felix caught something out of the corner of his eye. "Mn!" His eyes widen as a smile took over his dropped jaw and the others turn in the direction Felix is looking. You stop hearing your name, turning to see who it was only to stare at the group of boys unmoving. Felix's hand hesitated before waving at you with a gentle smile.

It's been so long that you were honestly thrown off by how much they've grown and how handsome they've become. You see Jeongin smile at you and you notice his braces are gone, Hyunjin has grown his hair out along with Felix. These little details are forgotten the moment you feel a hand on the side of your face and you turn back around. "Hey." You smile, Seonghwa completely taking your attention as you watch him smile in return, your hands resting on his waist. "Come on, Jagiya. We've been waiting for you." He says, leaning forward to give you a quick peck but you pull him back to you for a slightly longer kiss before you take his hand and he takes you back to the table.

You heard their gasp when you kissed Seonghwa but honestly, you didn't care. You were seen in Ateez, heard and included way more than you ended up becoming in Stray Kids.

Chan's heart was crushed, he honestly had hope that you guys could talk it out but also knew there was no way but he still hoped. His tears blurred his vision as he let a sob left him, he tried not to let them fall, he had to go on stage soon, but it hurt. He had lost not just a member but someone he actually truly loved. He didn't mean to forget him, he didn't mean to push him away. The regret of not realizing sooner still weighed heavily on his shoulders after this long.

The way you held Seonghwa was the same way you'd hold him. The smile and shine in your eye you gave the other idol was the same you'd give to him, the same one in the taped photo that still remains on his desk after he found the other half. The members also have the other photos, taped as well and put on the fridge.

What crushed Chan the most in that moment?

You didn't look back as Seonghwa took you away.

pssst, I would write more Ateez but I don't fully know their dynamics and personalities completely so I'll probably just insert them like I did in this fic 😁

#random #bleh #stray kids #straykids #stray kids x male reader #bang chan #bang chan x male reader #seonghwa x male reader #ateez #ateez x male reader #ateez seonghwa #stray kids bang chan #seonghwa

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shepscapades · 3 months

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HI IMPULSIVE UPDATE POST <3

HI everyone i know i've been like (wiggles fingers) a ghost lately-- for anyone who doesn't know I'm in my final semester for my masters degree and i have a freaking 100 piece show i'm putting up in two months!! (screams really loud) so all of my art brain is being consumed by my personal projects/comics so i haven't had any brain space for dbhc or posting art or anything :(

i definitely haven't abandoned dbhc though, or destruction, or anything like that! and I really want to put the master post together but its like such a big task in my brain and i haven't gotten around to finding enough motivation to tackle it :( so i apologize to all of you who've been asking for master posts and dbhc stuff <3 i have not forgotten about you or this blog i promise!

Since i've been working so much on my studies and teaching, i've actually been playing a lot of pokemon in my downtime (my background hyperfixation surfaces!!) so if theres anyone who would be interested in my posting that or streaming it or anything i might consider it :]

(or honestly, if anyone would be interested to see me working on my exhibition stuff! its an original mc-rp inspired comic series set to a playlist so its just been a bunch of comic work :3)

but yeah just wanted to give a little update and apologize for virtually disappearing!! <3 love u all okay byebye

#hermitcraft 10 is also serving to fill my art video time i love these buffoons so much #i have a little list of stuff i occasionally add to every time i get an idea for a moment to redraw in dbhc #who knows if i'll ever get to them but theyre still in my brain <3 #OKAY I SKEDADDLE AWAY WITH MR KRABS WALK SOUND EFFECT

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minustwofingers · 6 months

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love is a laserquest p.1

masterlist

pairing: rockstar!ellie williams x reader

request: @thatgiraffefromtlou so kindly included me on a post about writing something inspired by these beautiful edits :) thank you !

summary: after a serious of unfortunate events, columbia grad y/n y/l/n finds herself using her hard-earned journalism degree interviewing vapid stars and writing articles that she's convinced are rotting her mind. ellie williams has just dropped the album of the year and it's all anyone is talking about, but all she wants is to be off the press train. a certain interview with a certain interviewer might change this.

warnings: no cws, but i will say that i don't know anything about this career path so i apologize if i'm totally butchering it!

a/n: see ? see? i promise i haven't forgotten about you guys/this blog/this request. this is admittedly a short installment, but you've all been so good about waiting and i had a little itch to write tonight. hopefully more of this will be posted soon. i hope you enjoy!

tags :) @intrnetdoll @dazedshoon @lovecaraya @pctcr @sariyaflowr @loser-keiji @prettyplant0 @666findgod @sawaagyapong @rystarkov @buzzybuzzsposts @addisonnie @galacticstxrdust @elliesbabygirl @pinkazelma @ariianelle @lu002 @blairfox04 @sparkleswonderland @elliesflower @muthafuckingstargirl @elliewilliamsissubermommyoml @eviestevie-14 @quicksilversg1rl @guacala @crtcrp @overtrred28

wc: 1.8k

enjoy!

“Hi. I’m Y/N.”

You sit and extend your hand, smiling as diplomatically as you can manage to the girl sitting across from you.

She ignores you.

“I said hi,” you repeat.

One painted eyebrow arches the slightest, but she doesn’t look your way.

You grit your teeth. A question list that you’ve meticulously prepared is memorized and tucked away in your mind, but now you’re just furious that you spent so much time preparing for an interview with someone who wouldn’t even look you in the eye.

While you wait for the camera crew to get ready, you sit and observe the room—movie posters behind both you and Lina, bright lights that are already making you sweat shone down from above, and a homey oak wood coffee table between you two to give the air of casualness.

God, you hate this. All you want to do is go home.

“Ready?” a cameraman says from the side.

You send a game smile his way. “Ready.”

“We’re rolling.”

“Hi!” said the girl across from you, suddenly laser-focusing her attention on you with so much bubbly energy that it made you feel like you’d gotten whiplash. “It’s so good to meet you. I’m so glad that we were able to do this.”

“Me too,” you respond, saccharine sweet. “You have no idea how excited we are to have you, Lina! It seems like all anyone wants to talk about nowadays is your role in Ontario.”

The interview’s length is oppressive and mind-numbing. By the time you ask your last question and Lina sends you her last dazzling smile, you’re already on the brink of offing yourself on the camera for all to see.

“And cut,” said someone over your shoulder.

You relax, letting out a long breath. That was the last one for the day. You got to go home now.

But since you were a normal human being, you give Lina one last try to redeem herself.

“It was great having you,” you say in a way that you hope reads as genuine. “Thank you for coming in.”

Lina doesn’t respond—she’s already back on her phone, intent on ignoring you.

The drive home is awful and long and full of LA traffic. It was something you’d never quite forgive your younger self for—not advocating for yourself sooner. If you had, maybe you would’ve already been taking the subway alongside all the other New Yorkers, surrounded by serious people wearing serious clothes and carrying serious things around in their briefcase.

Instead you got the quirkiness of Southern California, all arid air full of cigarette smoke and lost aspirations. When you first came to LA, naive and blithely optimistic about your prospects as a journalist, you thought that living near Hollywood would be exciting, all the energy and dreams like firecrackers to the social scene.

Then you got off the plane and realized it’d all been a lie. There’s no hope in a place like Hollywood. It’s the most hopeless place in the world, knowing that all your servers and Uber drivers and retail employees are all working 3 other jobs to make up their rent as they chase a dream that will never happen.

Because no one ever makes it big. Well—no one really. One year into your life at PopNow! has made you interact with more people who have, you suppose, “made it big”, and each interaction is dependably more absurd than the last. Like Lina. God, you hate Lina.

You reach your apartment right when the sun is kissing the horizon, the royal purple of the night descending upon the sky. That was another thing you missed—the stars. You’d missed them when you were at Columbia, but that was when you knew you went back home to the midwestern countryside. Now you’re stuck in the light-polluted hell of California, and there’s no way to know when you’re going to get out.

You should have turned the job down, you think to yourself as you get ready for bed. The face wash you rub into your skin obediently forms into silky little bubbles. You should have just done whatever you’d had to do to stay in New York, even if it meant being unemployed and living in a broom closet with 3 other people.

But you’re a writer. And you’re getting published, and that’s all that matters.

Or at least that’s what you tell yourself.

The assignment is in your inbox when you wake up the next morning at a prompt 5:30am. As you go about your normal routine, you let the words in the message sink in.

Alyssa’s in the hospital. Emergency appendectomy.

Alyssa’s the most senior writer at PopNow!, regularly netting the juiciest recorded interviews.

…interview today that needs to be completed…

You angrily beat your legs back into scissor kicks as you run through the motions of your favorite apartment-friendly pilates routine. Today was supposed to be your day off.

…musician Ellie Williams…

…2pm…

…great opportunity…

You have no fucking clue who Ellie Williams is. She’s never been mentioned on NPR or the New York Times, the only two news sources you bother to follow, so she can’t be that relevant. Or at least not relevant enough to warrant you losing your one day off. But that’s what it’s like to be working in showbiz. Your days don’t belong to you anymore.

By the time that you’re in the studio, hands folded and question list memorized, you feel like you know all you need to know about Ellie.

She’s got everything you need to be a world-wide sensation. Humble, small-town beginnings? Check. Sympathetic backstory that makes even the most hardened viewer’s heart soften? Check. Conveniently conventionally attractive features, well-placed tattoos, and a certain swagger that seems so natural it has to be somehow hard-coded into her genes? Check, check, and check.

You’ve interviewed hundreds of Ellie Williams. You’re ready for this.

Jan from production sets out glasses of water on the table in front of you, one for you and another poised in front of the empty chair.

“You ready?” she asks, not unkindly. “Don’t be nervous. I know that this might be a bigger one than you’re used to, but there’s a reason why Stephen asked you to fill in for Alyssa. You’ve got this, honey.”

“Thank you,” you say. The smile you send her back is tense, because as much as you hate to admit it, you are nervous. It’s ridiculous how something you don’t even care about for an industry you think is bullshit is capable of getting under your skin, but you’d done very few recorded interviews. When you imagined what kind of hard-hitting journalism you’d be doing back when you were at Columbia, it was nothing like this.

You sit and wait, bouncing your leg and hoping the rest of you looks at ease. The set is as corny and soulless as always, one tall houseplant shoved half-heartedly between the two blue cushioned chairs like an afterthought. There’s a stack of magazines on the coffee table between you two, as if you’d crack open People mid-shot.

You hate your job so much. You always feel so bad thinking this way—there are people out there who would probably actually kill for the chance to be rubbing elbows with the celebrities you did on a regular basis—but whenever you start feeling too guilty, you think of how you ended up here, your dream internship getting whisked away by fucking nepo baby Becca, and then you let yourself be angry again.

A door slams shut, and suddenly you’re all business again.

The first thing you notice about Ellie Williams is that she’s actually very tiny, especially in comparison to the burly camera man that she squeezes by to make her way on set. She’s looking a little preppier than she does on stage, donning a pair of wide-legged black trousers, chunky black docs, and a haphazardly buttoned forest green shirt with the sleeves rolled up just enough for you to see the entirety of her arm tattoo.

“Hi.” You rise from your chair to offer a hand, feel the pressure of her fingers gently gripping yours. “I’m Y/N.”

Ellie blinks. “Uh, hi. I’m Ellie.”

“Is everything alright?”

“I thought Alyssa was going to be interviewing me,” says Ellie. She drops into the chair opposite of you, crossing a leg over the other thigh.

“Emergency appendectomy,” you supply.

The way Ellie reacts makes you regret this immediately.

“Oh,” she says, cringing. “Shit—oh, can I swear in here?”

“We’re not rolling yet,” you say gently.

“That’s, uh, really too bad,” she says. Her tattooed hand reaches up to scrub the back of her neck. “I’m so sorry.”

Now it’s your turn to blink and stare at her blankly. “Um, thanks? I don’t really know her.”

“Right, right.” Ellie lets out a long sigh that you take as an offense. The interview hasn’t even started, and the languid way she reclines back in the chair reads as already bored with you. “So, do we just go ahead and…”

“Yes,” you say, feeling the heat rise in your cheeks. “Uh, yeah, we’re ready.”

Brilliant start.

The interview begins in earnest, and for once in your life, you’re actually rattled by this girl, by the way she tilts her head at your questions, tongue running over the flat of her front teeth. She has freckles sprinkled across her nose that didn’t show up in any of the photos you’ve seen of her on stage. The ones where she’s awash in blue light, guitar slung over her shoulder and hair sticking to her forehead. It’s disquieting, honestly, how she could just spring a surprise like that on you.

By some miracle, you manage to get through your list of questions without forgetting anything, but sometimes you stutter on your delivery and have to fight to keep yourself from grimacing. Nothing that she tells you is ground-breaking, nothing you don’t already know. In other interviews, you’re normally able to slip into a sort of conspiratorial voice, prying out information and digging a little deeper than your interviewees intend. But with Ellie, you’re paralyzed, stuck straight to the script that had been sent over to Ellie’s publicist for approval.

Not like you’d get away with anything when it came to Ellie, either. She has bags under her eyes that you can see concealer creasing in. It’ll wash out post-production under the bright studio lights, but up close it’s obvious that she’s not interested in entertaining any bullshit.

When it’s over, you’re sure your face is on fire with how hot your cheeks feel. Ellie looks just as nonplussed as ever.

“It was nice to meet you,” you squeak out.

She takes her time answering you, busy with draining the glass of water Jan had set out in front of you both and, once it’s empty, fiddling with the buttons on her sleeves.

“Likewise,” she says, and then before you can think to say anything else, she’s gone.

#ellie williams x reader #ellie williams x you #ellie williams x oc #ellie williams x y/n #ellie williams imagine #ellie williams self insert

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whousestypewriters · 22 days

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my wips: the silent court | the cartlen college series | the shattered series | the fall of midnight | the hurricane girls

requests are open!

rules:

ᯓ★ i wont be writing smut, incest, age gaps or anything like that ᯓ★unless specified i'll revert to fem!reader for x reader posts. i wont write for male! as im not comfortable doing that ᯓ★ please be respectful of my limits ᯓ★ if it takes me a while to get to don't worry! i promise i haven't forgotten you <33

what i write:

ᯓ★ fics/oneshots, blurbs, hc's smau, au's and moodboards ᯓ★ x reader and character x character [eg: jameson x avery]

who i write for:

tig ★ ships - averyjameson, grayson x lyra, xandermax, nashlibby, bex x thea x reader - jameson, grayson, xander, nash, [basically anyone in the fandom]

shatter me ★ ships - warnette, kenji x nazeera x reader - aaron warner, kenji kishimoto

the naturals ★ ships - deancassie, michael x lia, x reader - dean redding, michael townsend

boys of tommen ★ ships - johnnyshannon, joeyaoife, gibsieclaire x reader - johnny kavanagh, joey lynch, gerard "gibsie" gibson

powerless ★ ships - kai x paedyn x reader - malakai azer

miscellaneous ★ ships - evangeline x jacks x reader - jacks of the hollow, phineas 'finny smith', evangeline fox,

pjo ★ i have a seperate secret side blog for this if you want to know just send me an ask!

if someone you want me to write for isn't here just send me an ask and i'll let you know!!

love ya, emma

#intro #my wips #the inheritance games #shatter me #the naturals #pjo #f1 #boys of tommen #powerless #if only i had told her #if he had been with me #once upon a broken heart #ems writes ᯓ★

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bvidzsoo · 4 months

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Love Me Like A Rockstar (4)

Chapter 4: Comatose

Author: bvidzsoo

Pairing: Song Mingi x female reader

Warning: cussing, mentions of a panic attack

Word count: 8,129

Summary: Love. You wanted none of it. You had already been heartbroken very badly once, you didn't wish to go through that ever again. But the Universe works in intricate ways and, somehow, you found yourself webbed up in a local rockstar's life, Song Mingi. He was everything you expected him to be, yet nothing like you imagined him he would be. What happens when you find mutual understanding and have heartful conversations? Will he be able to break down your walls? Will you be able to chase away his darkness?

A/N: Hello, lovelies! The long awaited 4th chapter is here and omg I'm so sorry for the long wait! I haven't even realized it's been a month since my last update...but I had a lot of stuff to do for my University and just didn't find the time to write, but here I am now, and I'll try to update next week or after that! I promise you'll have lots of Mingi next chapter *wink wink*, but I hope after reading this chapter Yn's attitude will make more sense, and that she won't be so insufferable anymore to you all reading. Please listen to the fourth song Comatose before or while reading this chapter! Yes, I have totally made Mingi wear his waterbomb outfit in this chapter because waterbomb Mingi shall NEVER be forgotten, goodbye. Please leave feedback, I truly appreciate it! Enjoy now! I have a surprise coming next chapter, hehet^^

Taglist: @orshii @or5i @lovely-red2 @juicy-red @scarfac3 @sunaswifes-blog @voicesinmyhead-rc @teez-the-time @maru-matt @kyeos4ng

⟨Series M.list ↭ Previous Chapter⟩

♫Playlist♫

『I don't care enough to miss you

After all the shit we've been through

My heart's comatose, comatose』

The blinking of the cursor was staring back at me mockingly, a reminder that my fingers haven’t moved in the past ten minutes. No thoughts connected to the theme of my project came to mind, no matter how hard I tried and how many articles I read. My mind seemed to be blank at the moment and it seemed like it wouldn’t get any better anytime soon. To be honest, I wasn’t feeling well. And that usually reflects in my work and influences my whole mood, and even day. I thought I would have a very productive day as I got ready this morning and went to the library to finish my art assignment, however, the little kick I had, came crushing down the second Mingi decided to sit with me. Well, perhaps that one small factor wasn’t the real reason which ruined my mood and brought me to the brink of a panic attack, and the current void and emptiness I have been feeling in my chest ever since. Perhaps it was the mention of Jeong Yunho and the reminder of how little I have always meant to him. My lower lip quivered again, and I allowed myself to fall back in the chair I was sitting in, staring up at my white ceiling in desperation. Why did it have to be him? Why did it have to be Yunho again? Was the Universe having a laugh at me? What were the chances that this Song Mingi was the same Song Mingi Yunho never shut up about while we were dating? It was frustrating. It was maddening and it was…mocking. I couldn’t help but feel bitter the longer I allowed the image of Mingi and Yunho laughing, hanging out, falling all over each other, linger in my mind. Their hearts filled with joy and their time spent with endless conversations, late night trips to the convenience store, random road trips and the overall feeling of knowing that you always had one person you could rely on no matter what. What did Mingi have that I didn’t? What did Yunho see in him that he never saw in me? Why was Mingi better than me? And why…was I suddenly feeling this vial jealousy creeping up in my chest like an ugly monster, the whisper of thoughts I have always tried to push to the depths of my mind after Yunho’s sudden, but heartbreaking, departure from my life?

『Straight coats and empty cabinets

Ashes from all the mess you left

New lease without you

I confess that I'm happy you're gone』

What was it about Song Mingi that Yunho was so infatuated with? What was it with Song Mingi that everyone seemed to like and gravitate towards? All I could see was the arrogance and self-centeredness rolling off of him in waves any time he entered a room. The need to shine and be the center of attention, to be the only person anyone was able to see, to focus on. The constant smirk or grin on his lips, almost always mocking or just an awful reminder that he was better than you—it was subtle, but it was there. The mischievous glint in his eyes as he watched your every move, hiding behind a wall of emotionlessness, sharp eyes watching but not giving anything away. There was no honesty in his expressions or in his actions. But why did nobody else see that? Why was I the only one picking up on how insincere Mingi actually was? Why did nobody question what he hid behind those dark and sharp eyes? His face so often void of any emotion. And then, to further prove my confusion, the Mingi I talked to today was—why did he feel different? Everything staring from his appearance to his behavior was unlike the infuriating person I have come to know. He portrayed a calm and collected nature, albeit still mischievous as he had taken my sketchbook without my permission, yet it was so clear on his face that he didn’t have any mal intentions. What prompted him to approach me out of the blue and why did he look almost…lonely? What drew him to smile so much and so freely? It certainly couldn’t have been me; I have done everything I could to make him feel unwelcome and uncomfortable, yet he…stayed. He talked without a care in the world, almost as if he forgot I would be judging his every move and sentence. He almost looked curious of who I was, trying to make conversation in which I did not want to engage in. What was it about Yunho that made his eyes sparkle so much? Why did Yunho have so much of an influence on Mingi? Why did it have to be Mingi? Why does Yunho have to be everywhere around me even after he leaves? Does Yunho really mean that much to Mingi? Just how deep is their bond? But the most jarring thought amidst the spiraling of my mind into a place I did not wish for it to go, was a very simple one. Why do I care about Song Mingi all of a sudden? Why do all these things matter to me all of a sudden? Who is Song Mingi to me to send me into an existential crisis, into a state of nervosity, and restlessness, and so much bitterness? He’s just a guy. A guy who is very irritating, arrogant, self-centered, and a pushover. A guy who only wants attention and is superficial. A guy who forgets about you the second he’s turned his back to you. A guy who only likes you until you’re new and exciting. When you start becoming boring, what does it matter anymore? Why would he keep you around for longer? Perhaps him and Yunho have more in common than I would have thought at first.

『So used to pain that it's my remedy

Easy to hate, I gave you everything

Funny that you're the one that ran away

You left me first』

I couldn’t do this anymore, I had to stop thinking. I needed my brain to shut up, to stop torturing me more than I was already hurting. I refused to reach my breaking point again just because Mingi mentioned that Yunho was his best friend—why was I giving him so much power? Trying to snap out of it, I groaned loudly as I rubbed my eyes with the heel of my palms, sitting up straight again to try and focus for the last time on my project. I had to get this done in two days, I really couldn’t slack off anymore. So, I opened the previous tab I was reading from and scrolled up in order to start reading the article from the beginning once again, hoping that the words in it would finally stick. But despite my attempt to finally focus on the only important task at hand, the loud ping of my phone quickly pulled my attention away from it. I jumped at the loud sound and cursed silently, having forgotten to put my phone on ‘do not disturb’. My eyes snapped down to it mildly annoyed, but quickly furrowed when I realized it was a message from an unknown number. I stared at it for a few seconds, eyebrows furrowing in suspicion.

Unknown: are u coming to Outlaw tonight?

Before I could really control myself, curiosity overtook me. It must’ve been someone who knows me since they were asking about Outlaw. They must have seen me there last time.

Me: who’s this? Unknown: mingi lol

My eyebrows instantly furrowed as I stared down at the message, my stomach doing a weird flip. My fingers hovered over the screen of my phone, tempted to just quickly block his number and forget about the past ten seconds, because what the fuck? How did he even get my number? I certainly don’t remember giving it to him.

Me: wtf? how do you have my number. Unknown: wooyoung

I blinked, mind blanching for a second. Wooyoung? That made even less sense as Wooyoung and I have met just once and I have not given him my phone number. I waited for a few seconds longer, waiting for Mingi to explain further, but it never came. No small dots indicating that he was texting anything else. I groaned and looked at my pale green wall for a second, trying to collect my thoughts and not throw my phone out the window. Why did he have to have my number? Was this Mingi’s way of getting on my nerves even more? And now I had to figure out how Wooyoung got my number—oh. I tsked in disbelief, eyes zooning in on the picture of Seulgi and myself I had on display on my desk. Of course, that little bitch. Why would she ask me first before giving my phone number to a complete stranger—even if Mingi wasn’t that, I still didn’t want him to have it.

Me: whatever, i’m blocking you. Unknown: so, are you coming then? Me: no, mingi, i am not.

I rolled my eyes at Mingi’s insistency of getting an answer and blatant ignorance towards my threat of blocking him—which wasn’t as menacing as I wished for it to be. But it only took him seconds to answer, and I tried not to think about how quickly he was responding.

Unknown: ok

My eyes narrowed at his simple—and sharp—answer, fingers hovering over the keyboard to fire an insult at him if he went ahead and started leaving more messages, wanting to remind him that I was not in any shape or form curious to hear any more of his bullshit. The bitterness was quite strong in the back of my head, jealousy searing through my body—I couldn’t help it. A minute or two passed, but Mingi wasn’t typing anything else and I huffed, irritated by his antics. Why was he even asking if I would go to Outlaw? I hated it the first time—well, maybe that was a little lie—and I still hate it now, so therefore I had not one reason to go and watch him perform again. Not one particle in my body wished to hear his raspy voice accompanied by a guitar, bass, and drums. I was quite content by going to bed early tonight and forgetting about the whole day, hoping that my chest would feel less heavy in the morning and the green monster would be gone from my head. And yet, despite my better judgment, my fingers worked quickly, before my mind could even register what I was doing, and I was saving Mingi’s number. There was no desire in me to have his name in my phone under any shape, so I stopped for a second to ponder over the many options I could be calling him, such as: idiot, dumbass, jackass, prick, mr. arrogant—were sounding rather pleasing to my ears—and yet, despite the wicked grin I had on my lips, my mind seemed to settle for a simple ‘I hate him’. His number was saved in my phone without putting more thought into what I was doing, and I was placing my phone aside, attention going back to my project. Now, there was nothing in the world which could disturb me again—but then my phone rang. I groaned loudly and felt like pulling on my hair, staring at my cursed phone heatedly. I was half expecting Mingi’s number to pop-up, but thankfully it wasn’t him. That would’ve been the last straw for today, I certainly would’ve gone crazy. Instead, it was Seulgi calling and I knew she had something important to say if she wasn’t texting. I picked up, albeit with disdain.

“Hey!” She sounded cheerful, excited. Very much the opposite of my mood right now.

“Hi.” I muttered and started tapping my forefinger against my desk, staring down at the article I had opened in front of me.

“You sound like you want to kill someone.”

“And I do.” My answer made Seulgi laugh, making me sigh. And that person was Song Mingi, of course.

“What’s got your panties in a twist this time, huh?” Seulgi’s voice was playful, and unfortunately, it was only building up my irritation. She didn’t have any bad intentions, but I couldn’t handle her cheeriness and playfulness at the moment. I needed to be alone. I needed to not think and just get shit done.

“Why did you call?” I preferred not to answer her question as I asked another one, voice not snappy just tired as Seulgi remained silent for a second on the other end.

“Noir Zenith are performing at Outlaw tonight,” I knew where this was going, I just gulped realizing Mingi had asked the same thing of me just mere minutes ago, “Do you want to come with me?”

“No.” My answer was too fast and harsh, I quickly tried to mend it, “I’ve got a family thing—issue, I mean. I’m sorry, but I can’t come because of it…”

My voice got quiet as I trailed off, not particularly fond of lying to my best friend, but I really didn’t want to go out tonight and I knew if I told Seulgi the real reason she would complain and complain until I finally gave in, her tactic of coercion working just fine on me. I never stood a chance in front of her when she would start complaining and whining and bringing up all the times I have bailed on her in the past.

“Oh,” It wasn’t hard to hear the disappointment in her voice, and if I weren’t in such a bad headspace at the moment I would have felt awful, “it’s fine, I get it. But…you do know you can tell me anything, right?”

I sighed loudly, “I know, thanks Seulgi, and sorry. I’ll make it up to you somehow.”

“Don’t worry about it,” She was smiling now, adding a small chuckle too, “We all have bad days, I’ll see you at university tomorrow?”

“Most certainly.” A small smile made it onto my face and Seulgi quickly bid her goodbye as we hung up, silence enveloping me. I didn’t forget to press the ‘do not disturb’ button this time as I placed my phone on my desk, next to my laptop, and faced the article taunting me. Not finishing this project today wasn’t an option anymore, and so, I quickly dove in, the torturing thoughts finally silent somehow.

The hours went by quickly and despite my mind struggling to focus on the task at hand, I made it. I finished the project in about four hours and it definitely gave me a little confidence boost, which I desperately needed after the emotional turmoil I was forced to face today. My mind was a mess. I was tired and I needed to sleep. I didn’t even care how early or late it was as I got into bed, forgetting to wash my face or even change into my pajamas, I just needed to lay my head down and close my eyes. And it was working well…until it wasn’t. The warmth of my thick blanket enveloped me and my head grew heavier as my muscles relaxed, the comfort of my bed bringing peace to my loud thoughts. It felt nice. To finally be able to forget everything that’s happened today, to just let go and…sleep. I really needed this; I haven’t felt this exhausted in a long time. I have never been good at dealing with my feelings, I usually pushed them away and ignored everything I felt…until they blew up in my face. Then, I would finally break and it was chaotic and messy. I knew it was the wrong coping mechanism, but I couldn’t help it. Nothing else worked, because I just couldn’t deal with the pain. I hated the overwhelming thoughts, the pressing heaviness and constant pain. I just simply didn’t want to deal with them. Drawing was a nice way of escaping my reality, but lately it didn’t help. It drew me up the wall, it was so frustrating. So many emotions had been steering hidden deep inside these past weeks, I didn’t know how to deal with them—I didn’t want to deal with them, actually. I needed them silent, gone.

And despite needing to sleep right now, eyes heavy and mind fuzzy, it wasn’t working. Nothing helped. My mind was silent, yet my ears were buzzing, whispers so quiet in the back of my head that I could barely hear them. My chest was heavy, it felt like I needed to cry, but my throat was closing in on me, refusing to let any tears to the surface. I could breathe, but at the same time I couldn’t. Turning on to my left side did nothing, but snap my eyes open. Why couldn’t I sleep? Why was this feeling returning? Why couldn’t I just rest for one fucking second?! I buried my head into my pillow and let out a silent scream, punching the soft mattress of my bed next to my head, legs trashing around as I needed to let out the creeping hysteria in my body somehow. Was I finally going crazy? Was my mother’s premonition finally blending into reality? She did randomly while watching TV, one month ago, tell me that I would soon face a challenging obstacle in my life, which would feel suffocating and relieving at the same time. Mind running per hour, I shot up in a sitting position and gaped at nothing in particular, recalling the memory of said night. But my mother said nothing else as she went back to watching TV, acting as if what she had said to me was totally normal. It wasn’t. But I was used to her quirky antics, she was a bit whimsical, but I loved her. Her intentions were always good and pure, she was a woman full of love and warmth…unlike me. Perhaps I was like my father…not that I could remember him, he’s left us while I was a little girl. We kept in touch until I turned approximately eight, after that…he never showed his face again. Something about moving to a new city and starting a new life, I couldn’t care less, he was never a pilar of support in my life. I didn’t need a man to bring me comfort, to make me feel safe. I had myself for that, and my mother—when things got too rough to handle on my own.

With a sigh, I reached over my bed and grabbed my sketchbook from my bedside table and turned on the small lamp, grabbing the pencil I had from underneath my pillow. Not one corner of my room was safe from my drawing supplies. I flipped the sketchbook open to a blank page and sighed, eyebrows lightly furrowing as I pressed the pencil against the soft paper. I didn’t have anything particular in mind as I started drawing. Maybe a small meadow with colorful flowers or a flower field, those sounded nice right now. It felt like they could fix my sour mood after today, like they would bring a little comfort to my overthinking brain at the moment. But I already knew I couldn’t control my hand when it came to drawing, and I wasn’t too surprised to find myself drawing the outline of a face. The lines were sharp and precise, darker around the brow bone and defining at the sharp and pointy nose. I added shading to the jawline before moving to the cheekbones, not making them too harsh. The sketch so far was looking like any regular face. It could turn into anything from here on. I could make it anyone I wanted it to be. For some reason my hand went to draw the lips instead of the eyes, usually those were the first thing I drew when starting a portrait. But this time, my brain focused on the dark outline of the plump lips and adding more depth as the Cupid’s Bow was deep and pointy. I licked my lips as I allowed my eyes to run over the eyeless portrait, subconsciously adding a small mole to the left side of its face, close to the jawline. I had a hunch where this was going, but I wanted to keep going—I couldn’t stop my brain from pushing me to just draw more. I allowed my pencil to run over the lines of the nose, making them sharper, lengthening it just like the person had it in real life. My hand hovered in the air for a second, reluctant to finally draw the eyes of the portrait, but I didn’t have it in me to stop right now. I always hated leaving my work unfinished—that was my excuse right now too, despite knowing who I was drawing once again. Yet not one particle in my body wished to stop right now, and I couldn’t help it as I finally drew lines sharp enough to accentuate the depth and glare in his deep eyes. The shading of them happened quickly and without even thinking, the small but dark mole sat comfortably underneath his right eye as I pressed my pencil firmly against the paper.

The breath which left my lips was sharp, and I gulped as my grip tightened around my pencil. I knew what I was doing this time, yet I didn’t stop it. Why? Why did I allow myself to draw—Mingi. His sharp and expressionless face stared back at me and I didn’t know what to do. He wasn’t mocking me, he didn’t have any twinkle in his eyes, he was just…there. On my paper, in my favorite journal-like sketchbook. And my heart was beating faster the longer I was looking at it. My stomach was twisting in a foreign way and I felt like I needed air. Fresh air. It felt like my room was closing in on me, I felt like I didn’t have enough space all of a sudden. The blanket falling on my lap suddenly felt too warm, like it was burning my body up. Without a second thought, I threw the sketchbook off from my lap, together with the blanket, and sprung out of bed, racing towards my closet. I threw it open and grabbed the first thing which came into view, a grey oversized jumper, as I stepped out of my slippers and slipped my phone into the pocket of my grey sweatpants, headed for my closed door. My throat was squeezing itself and it was a little hard to breathe as I frantically moved down the stairs, desperate for fresh air at this point. The light was on in the kitchen and I realized it wasn’t even ten pm yet as my mother was tinkering around, listening to some jazz music. I must’ve been loud as I almost crashed into the wall, struggling to put on my sneakers.

“Honey?” I heard my mother’s voice coming from behind me as I turned to look at her. Her ginger hair was a mess as her curls stuck out in all directions, her eyebrows furrowed in confusion, “Everything alright?”

I nodded, fearing what my voice would sound like as I quickly wore the jumper in my hands, “Are you going out? It’s a little late…”

I hummed, licking my lips nervously, hand reaching for the doorknob, “I won’t take long, I promise.”

“Call me if you need me.” My mother had an understanding look on her face, it made my lips tremble, “I’ll pick you up.”

“Didn’t you drink?” My voice was slightly shaking as my eyes went to the wine glass she was holding in her right hand. My mother glanced down at it as if she had forgotten about it and quickly pushed it behind herself.

“We could always ride my electric scooter; I haven’t used it in quite a while.” My mother giggled at her own suggestion and I couldn’t help but let out an amused chuckle, the tightness in my throat lessening a little bit. How badly I wished to pour my heart out to her, to let my feelings finally loose, but I couldn’t. That would mean having to face what I was feeling. That would mean everything was real and not just made up by my useless brain.

“I’ll be home in an hour, don’t worry.” My mother just hummed as she watched me leave as I took my keys and closed the door carefully behind myself. The crisp air of the evening was a harsh wake-up call that I should’ve worn a jacket as well, but I didn’t have it in me to walk back inside my warm house. I couldn’t. I needed to walk. I needed to clear my mind. I had to get rid of this awful feeling in my chest. And so that’s just what I did, I walked. I took off towards nowhere particular as my feet carried me down the sidewalk, the streets illuminated by the lampposts, creating just enough light, but not too much. A few cars passed by then and now, the neighborhood relatively quiet at this hour of the evening. The cold air was biting at my cheeks and I buried my hands in my pockets, taking a deep breath before releasing it slowly. It felt nice as the cold air traveled through my throat, deep down into my lungs. It was refreshing, it was just what I needed. As I took a left turn, I left my neighborhood and realized I was headed towards the city center, more people on the road now as it was the main one. Groups of teenagers passed by me and I shivered at the sudden cold breeze. I looked around and watched as it picked up and blew the branches of the trees apart, more leaves falling to the ground, creating a blanket of orange and burgundy underneath our feet. The leaves crunched under my shoes and I felt myself smiling as I kicked into a smaller pile gathered up on the sidewalk by the wind, memories of my childhood fresh in my mind. My mother would always gather the leaves in our small backyard and then she’d take me outside and we’d play around for hours in the leaves, giggling and laughing as we’d pretend that I was a princess and she was the leaves monster trying to kidnap me from my kingdom. Despite my mother struggling at times, my childhood never lacked anything, and it was filled with many happy memories. Sometimes I wondered what changed that I turned into such a moody and sour person. There were remnants of my old self when I was with Seulgi or with my mother, but I was pretty bad at opening up to strangers, at letting others in…especially males. I couldn’t help but think they had other motives and were only waiting for the right time to fuck me over, to abandon me. My attention was brought to a couple as the girl screeched and ran past me, the boy chasing after her while holding something in his hands, giggling loudly and calling out her name. I couldn’t help but glance after them, the green monster back in my head, as the guy caught up with her and tackled her into a hug despite the girl’s loud complaints. I have realized, the guy was carrying dirt in his hands and the girl’s cheeks were already smudged with it, probably. My stomach clenched and it got harder to gulp as I tore my eyes off them, trying to take a deep breath, trying to push down the memories threatening to resurface.

But I couldn’t help it as Yunho made it to the forefront of my mind, our many dates stored away in a little treasure chest in my heart. We used to go on so many dates, Yunho loved trying out new things and visiting new places. Every second weekend he planned something new, he surprised me with something. I thought I was the luckiest girl on Earth. I thought I would never find anyone else who could love me and cherish me as much as Yunho—and perhaps I really never would. Because Yunho was special, because he made you feel like you were the only one in the whole world he could see, he could love. A small part of me still wished he loved me at some point. Of course, it did, I was so hopelessly in love with him once that everything was about him. I couldn’t breathe, I couldn’t live without him. He was the only thing I could think about, I could talk about. Everyone told us how well we matched; how perfect we were for each other. The both of us always smiling, always so nice to others. Before getting abandoned by Yunho, I was—I wasn’t like this. I smiled, I laughed, and I joked around a lot. I was happy and I loved life, I loved everything around me and I had this urge to discover everything life had to offer me. I couldn’t stay put in one place for too long and I always had everything planned out, each step of mine—my life next to Yunho. The promises he made were still fresh in my mind, I could still remember them despite being it a long time ago—but perhaps it wasn’t long enough, I have suddenly come to the realization of it. It was hard to breathe again as my favorite moment with Yunho was suddenly too fresh in my mind, too easy to recall. We had gone to a movie he really wished to watch, something about a girl who had to pretend she was a boy in order to make it onto the university’s football team to get revenge on her ex, it was actually a re-run as the movie had come out a long time ago, but Yunho loved it and he really wanted to watch it at the cinema. Of course I went with him, I wanted to see the movie too because Yunho loved it. And what Yunho loved, I also did. It was an easy watch, lighthearted and cheesy and predictable, it didn’t surprise me that it was one of Yunho’s favorites. But once the movie was over Yunho wanted to get ice cream, and as someone who loves ice cream—mint choco is the best flavor, fight me—I was eager to go with Yunho. But our peace of mind didn’t last for long as it started raining cats and dogs in no time, forcing us to take shelter somewhere—except that we didn’t. Yunho pulled me out into the pouring rain and he made us dance, he acted out cheesy scenes from Dirty Dancing, raising me up and flipping me around clumsily, almost dropping me in the process not even once, making me shriek and clutch onto him for dear life. I have never laughed more in my life than that night and I have never felt more loved that in that moment. Yunho’s eyes were shining with so much warmth and happiness, it was also the first time he said the words. ‘I love you.’ I couldn’t tell whether it was the rain or happy tears on my cheeks, but the sudden clenching of my heart and overwhelming feeling in my chest made me flung my body against his, holding onto Yunho’s tall frame like my life depended on it. And in that moment, I knew—I knew that I also loved him. But I couldn’t say it, not yet, not when everything felt like it was too much, so instead, I pressed my lips against his pouty ones and smiled as Yunho started giggling, only to pick me up and twirl me around in excitement before asking me to hop on his back, only for him to take off running towards his house. It was my favorite memory of us, for various reasons, but perhaps the main one was because Yunho was so sincere in that moment. Because I couldn’t hear any doubt in his words like the other times he said that he loved me.

『Straight coats and empty cabinets

Ashes from all the mess you left

New lease without you

I confess that I'm happy you're gone』

I came to a stop as my phone buzzed in my pocket, mind hazy as I tried to shake off the memory which felt so alive in my head. I could almost see it playing out in front of myself. If I reached my hand out, I could almost touch Yunho—but he wasn’t here—and I was allowing myself once again to live in the past, a very bad habit of mine. I unlocked my phone after I crossed the road, the sidewalk littered with various shops, most of them already closed as it was almost ten now. I had been walking for twenty minutes without even realizing it. Looking down at my phone, I realized Instagram had sent me a notification that Seulgi posted a story after a while. She was probably at Outlaw still, watching Noir Zenith perform. I pressed on her story and it opened to show a close-up video of the three boys performing, the camera focusing on Wooyoung for a few seconds longer before it was moved away, zooming in on playfully on Mingi. I had the volume down, I couldn’t hear what he was singing, but his eyebrows were furrowed as he was leaning forward, mouth moving in a fast way as his eyes were half-closed, veins protruding on his neck, expression almost like he was angry, almost like feelings were overwhelming him as he held the microphone in his left hand tightly. My eyebrows slightly furrowed, but I quickly pushed any thought of him away as I realized he was slightly…wet? His white shirt, the top buttons unbuttoned until they reached his chest stuck to his body and had turned almost see-through, but it didn’t seem like it bothered Mingi as he continued on performing. Heavy chains lay against the base of his throat and a blue sheer sunglass was sitting on his tall nose, almost sliding off of it as he was bobbing his head furiously to the music, his bass abandoned somewhere. As my eyes focused on the huge bracelet on his right hand and the blue and white scarf wrapped around his left wrist, both hands decorated with thick silver-colored rings, the video cut off. I remained unblinking for a second, eyebrows twitching as I realized Seulgi had posted the video not even half an hour ago. So…the band was still performing and…Mingi was looking like that. Suddenly I was glad I wasn’t there to witness him being all indecent and acting like a—something. I most certainly wouldn’t hear the endless praises if I were there and the constant screaming of his baboons—perhaps calling them his fangirls would sound nicer, but I wouldn’t give him that satisfaction—and with my current mood, that was the last thing I wanted to see and hear. Mingi was detestable and I wouldn’t give him the satisfaction of going to any of his other performances, finding them useless as I wasn’t even into their music. I started walking again, aware that the wind had picked up more, rustling the branches and leaves harsher, making me shiver in my underdressed state, reminding me that I should head home now. I said I wouldn’t stay out for too long, my thoughts seemed to have cleared just a little bit, besides, the cold air was enough to knock me out once I got to lay in my warm and comfortable bed.

『I don't care enough to miss you

After all the shit we've been through

My heart's comatose, comatose

I don't care enough to miss you

After all the shit we've been through

My heart's comatose, comatose』

However, the second I wanted to exit the app and put my phone away, a new story suddenly appeared in Seulgi’s spot and I gulped realizing who it was. Yunho’s happy and smiling face was taunting me in his profile picture, and before I could control myself, I pressed the icon, opening his story. The username Yuyu followed by a sunflower flashed for a second on the screen and then—and then everything around me stopped. There was no wind, there was no sound of cars passing by or people talking as they walked by me. It wasn’t cold anymore. My lungs failed me once again, but my mind went silent. Completely silent. There was a rumble in the distance, but I couldn’t say what it was. A girl, much smaller than him—and a lot cuter than myself—was laughing in the boomerang Yunho had posted, her black hair falling around her shoulders nicely, the white coat barely hiding the short lavender colored dress she was wearing. And Yunho—he looked so happy, he looked—whole. His face had gotten fuller, yet features sharper since the last time I had seen him. I have forgotten that I was still following him on Instagram. He had his arm around the girl’s shoulder and was actively pulling her into his side as he was smiling brightly too, his protruding front teeth showing as he had his eyes on the girl only. He had tagged her too and I was clicking on her name fast, before even thinking about what I was doing. Her profile was public and she had many posts. Most of herself, but there were some of the places she’s traveled to as well. But her most recent post—was with Yunho. The two sitting on a bench, then a selfie, and then a picture of the place they had been at, with the caption of: ‘Luckiest girl in the world!’ I gulped and closed the app, taking a deep breath, realizing that I had started shaking.

『You wasted all my fucking time

Were never really in my life

You were further than I could imagine

I love you, but fuck you』

Why did my legs feel like jelly all of a sudden? Why did the heaviness in my chest get even worse? Why was I reacting like this? It made no sense. Yunho broke up with me three years ago and I was over him. He hurt me more than anyone has before, but I was over him. I have let go; I have released the feelings I have felt for him. But then why did it bother me so much that he found happiness with someone else? Why did it leave a bitter taste in my mouth? Suddenly why was the green monster back and making me clutch my phone tightly in my hand? If he was able to find someone, to be happy again, why wasn’t I doing the same thing? Why was I incapable of loving? Of being loved? Of opening up and letting in new people? Why was I forcing myself to wallow in my own misery? Why was I punishing myself by constantly living in the past? What more could I want? Why did I still wish for Yunho to return and apologize for everything he’s done, for the gap he’s left in my heart? For the turmoil he’s caused in my head, for the ache that never really went away with his departure from my life? And it hit me lick a wall of bricks, that something was hitting my flaming cheeks. Another rumble, and I realized it was thunder. Head tilting back, I realized it was raining—pouring. Washing away the tears which were making my eyes burn. When did it start raining? Why did everything hurt so much? I couldn’t help the sudden sob which wracked my body as I put my phone in my pocket as a futile attempt to keep it dry as my clothes were getting drenched the longer I stood unmoving on the sidewalk. But my feet felt heavy, rendering me frozen to the spot. Nobody was outside anymore. I was alone. Just as always. No matter how many people cared for me, I was still alone in hurting, in dealing with the mess I was. And it hurt. It made me cry harder as I pressed a hand against my mouth, trying to muffle my pathetic sobs. But it felt good—so good to finally let it all out, to just finally allow the misery to come to the surface, to acknowledge that I couldn’t deal with these feelings anymore. My chest hurt, my heart ached, my throat was getting more and more restricting, lungs burning for air, but I couldn’t fully breathe, gasping for air caused by my violent sobs. But the wind was picking up again and my body started shivering, and I realized I couldn’t stand on the sidewalk anymore bawling my eyes out as I got drenched in rain.

So, I looked around and found a place open not too far up ahead and took off running towards it, trying to get the strands of hair out of my eyes as they stuck to my skin. The diner was small and still open, the big windows showed nobody inside besides the girl behind the counter. I didn’t consider the way I looked as I threw the door open and stepped inside, alerting the girl as the doorbell chimed. She looked up and for a second we stared at each other, her eyes widening as her eyes wandered all over my body, making me sniff. At least I wasn’t sobbing anymore, just heaving for air. I must’ve looked horrible as I took off towards a table in the back, closer to the restrooms, but I couldn’t bring myself to feel embarrassed over my appearance. I fell against the cushion of the bench and tried to regulate my breathing, biting my lower lip as I realized my eyes were burning and my skin was ice cold. I couldn’t believe I was stupid enough to stand out in the rain, when it was so cold. I would most definitely catch a cold now and that was the last thing I needed right now, but it was due to my own stupidity. I wiped my face with my hands, which were slightly shaking, as the girl from the counter came over.

“Uh,” She shuffled around awkwardly as I looked at her, “Can I bring you anything? Or uh, help with anything?”

A slap in the face to wake me up to reality would possibly be the biggest help she could be offering right now—but I thankfully didn’t say to her. She already looked uncomfortable by not knowing how to react to my current state. I sniffed and went to reach for my wallet before I would look at the menu, I had no idea how much money I had on me. But I quickly realized I had only grabbed my phone before leaving, sitting inside a diner never being in the plan. So instead I went to check on my phone if I had any money on my card, but my phone wasn’t working. Nothing. No matter how much I pressed the button to start it, it didn’t work. Fuck, I forgot to charge it before stepping outside.

“Uh,” Now I felt embarrassed as I averted my eyes from the girl, “I don’t have any money.”

“Oh,” She sounded surprised, “Well, then…I mean, I don’t want to sound rude, but uh—I will have to ask you to leave, really, I have nothing against you, it’s just that—”

“Don’t worry,” I forced myself to smile as I looked up at her, her cheeks red from embarrassment of having to kick me out, “I get it. May I use the restroom before I leave?”

“Sure, of course!” The girl almost exclaimed as she pointed towards the little hallway which led to the restrooms, “But we’ll be closing in about fifteen minutes, so don’t stay inside for too long.”

“Yeah, I’ll just patch myself up a bit and then go on my way.” I muttered as the girl nodded silently and walked back to the counter while carefully watching me, making me roll my eyes. Okay, I might have been looking like a mess, but I wasn’t a walking bomb—no need for her careful gaze on me. It just made my blood boil as I tried not to stomp while I went inside the restroom, glad that I was alone inside. It was colder in here compared to the diner and I shivered as I realized the window was open. I headed towards the sink, eager to warm up my hands with a little warm water, but I gasped once I saw my reflections in the mirror. Jesus Christ, I looked horrible, no wonder the girl was looking at me like that and asking me to leave—even if the reason was me not having money on me. My hair stuck to my face and looked matted in certain spots. My cheeks were completely flushed with the tip of my nose red as well, and I had dark streaks running down underneath my eyes. I forgot to take off my eyeliner and mascara before going to bed and since they weren’t waterproof—here I was, looking like a character straight out of a fucking horror movie. I chuckled as I turned on the faucet and instantly sighed at the feeling of warm water against my hands, warming my freezing limbs a bit. I quickly gathered water in my palms and splashed it against my cheeks, warming them up as well, sighing in content. I was still shivering, my toes frozen, but this was helping.

『I don't care enough to miss you

After all the shit we've been through

My heart's comatose, comatose』

I let the warm water run as I ran my fingers through my hair, easing the knots in them and trying to make it look presentable as I basically brushed the wet strands back on my head, my hair already curling naturally. The next step was to get rid of the mascara and eyeliner streaks underneath my eyes and even cheek, so I quickly washed them off before turning the faucet off and grabbing some dry towel paper from the holder, drying off my face and hands. I took a deep breath and exhaled slowly, realizing that my chest felt so much lighter, there was nothing squeezing against my throat anymore.

“You’re fine,” I whispered to myself, gulping, “Fuck, you’ve got this, you’re okay, Y/N, you are okay. You’ve been pushing your feelings away for too long, of course they blew up in your face, you stupid bitch. I really have to stop doing this to myself, ugh—”

I rolled my eyes as I threw the used towel paper in the trash bin and then looked back at myself in the mirror, narrowing my eyes at myself and pointing a finger threateningly at my reflection, “Stop being a sappy bitch, alright? You’re better than this. Yunho’s got his shit together, why can’t you do the same, huh? Just go out there and find a fucking boyfriend, it’s not that hard—wait, no, actually don’t do that! I don’t need no man, got it? Got it.”

I nodded once firmly, a small grin forcing itself onto my lips, making me scoff at myself—sure, of course, bring Yunho into your peptalk, Y/N, very smart—but I just couldn’t help it. At least I was feeling better now, almost laughing at myself at how stupid I was as I stepped back and pulled my shoulders back, nodding at myself encouragingly. I got this! But now I had to run home in the pouring rain, that thought alone was enough to make me cry again, but I willed myself to stop. No more crying. No more sobbing—especially not because of the pouring rain. It was my mistake that I didn’t check the weather or bring an umbrella. I should’ve just gone to bed when I planned to, damn these stupid thoughts. With a last glance at myself, I decided that I was ready to leave the restroom and head home, my mother probably worried sick about me at this point since my phone wasn’t working either. I walked up to the door and grabbed the doorknob firmly, yanking it open a little bit too enthusiastically, but as I went to step outside, the male’s restroom door right across mine opened as well—and I paused, surprised.

Song Mingi was staring back at me just as surprised as I was.

❱❱ Next chapter

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bunnyhatty · 9 months

Text

at the sight of you

cloud strife x you!

hiii okay i havent forgotten this blog promise!!! (i check it every other day to giggle at the attention my writing gets) so uhm i decided to like. just post this really old writing. mind you when i wrote this i barely knew anything abt this game and my friend who played it was my only critic lels... so ooc warning for cloudie?? :33 and also rlly corny angst bc.. whatever as always, gn reader (lemme know if theres any mistakes on that) >__< anyway! thx for reading!!!

cloud was filled irritation and annoyance at the sight of you.

cloud was normally a man who kept to himself, spoke when needed, interacted with people he approved of and yet, you seemed to be unaware, or maybe ignored, his boundaries.

you greeted him whenever he entered the bar, slid to the seat next to him and talked with your voice he dreaded hearing everyday. you laugh and it felt like nails on chalkboard, you clung to him like there was no tomorrow. usually things like these barely fazed him but you annoyed him, made him irrationally angry. he was confused as to why, he never felt so negatively about someone yet there you were, causing a miracle(a curse?).

not that cloud observed you or anything, but lately you've been... distant. quite a shocker for the man who was used to your antics. you barely looked up to give him a greeting, your smile faded and forced. he didn't say anything as usual, but he noticed your disheveled look and your shaky hands as you wrote in a journal.

you haven't shown up for two weeks now, tifa teased him about his restless state and him missing you. that wasn't true, was it? why would he miss you? he never associated you with anything positive so what could he possibly miss about you?

in truth, a lot. he missed so much about you. he missed you.

cloud tried to call out your name like you did with his. he tried to smile like you, laugh like you, love like you. but he couldn't. he felt terrible and heavy as your cold body laid like needles against his arms.

"it's not your fault," you told him, but if it wasn't then who took you away from him? everytime he remembers your smile your cold face blurred with it and he felt sick. cold. empty.

cloud was filled with despair and regret at the sight of you.

#cloud strife #x reader #˚₊· ͟͟͞͞➳❥ six's writings #x gn!reader #final fantasy 7 #final fantasy vii #ff7 #ff7 remake #ff7r #ff7 tifa #ff7 cloud #tifa ffvii #cloud strife x reader #cloud strife x you #˚₊· ͟͟͞͞➳❥ six's ff7 writings

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nrilliree · 5 days

Note

Tom and ewan did this photoshoot for a magazine. It has nothing to do with house of the dragon or promotion to house of the dragon.

And slutshaming is never ok. It’s their body and if they feel comfortable taking those pictures then that’s their right.

Why are you hating on two young talented actors being successful?

I’ve been following you ever since you opened your blog because I’m TB and enjoy your takes on the show. But this is not aegon and aemond, this is actual people and it’s just wrong to talk about them like that.

Unfollow. Do better.

Okay, if you show me at least one my post in which I hate actors (actors, not the marketing of the series), I use slutshaming (and I'm not saying that marketing uses sexualization) and - again - I use hate towards actors, I will apologize and even delete the blog. I can promise this, because I know you won't find a single post of mine containing something like this. I never hated the actors, I only expressed negative opinions about HBO's shallow marketing, which is based on queerbaiting and excessive promotion of two actors who made controversial comments (for me) for the purpose of promotion. I haven't even written any posts about these two myself, I'm only responding to what people send me.

And yes, please, stop following me and don't read my blog, because I don't need people who make false accusations that they can't back up.

Oh, and in case anyone was wondering what the hate is, it's probably this huge insult:

"Maybe HBO is quietly changing the series to "The Adventures of Aegon and Aemond and the rest of the family we don't care about" and that's how they prepare us for it, so the rest of the cast is forgotten :P?"

#house of the dragon #team black #anti team green #pro team black #anti team green stans

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exandrothinadresseveryday · 1 month

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DAY 126: I wanted to try some live commentary but I was really rambly so you just get a speedpaint instead. I promise I haven't forgotten about dresstober!! Just wanted to do something casual because I think I've set my standards way too high for a blog that's just meant to be silly :P

#the dress of the day #also i fucked up the recording quality sooo sorry. well. whatever.

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ffsg0jo · 2 years

Text

[13:23] - MIYA ATSUMU -- masterlist

‘raise your voice at me again atsumu,’ you said calmly, way too calmly, painfully aware of all his teammates cautiously watching on from the sidelines, trying to be as subtle as possible, but failing. ‘go on, i dare you.’ the confidence in your words being a huge contrast to your appearance, with your eyes watering and your figure shaking.

atsumu stood a few feet away from you, unblinking in shock, his mouth open and scathing remarks dying on his tongue. he didn't mean to shout or raise his voice at you. he didn't mean it at all. the stress from underperforming in practice and your unexpected arrival, trying to persuade him to have lunch with you had triggered something in atsumu that he didn't even know could be aimed at you.

he regrets every single syllable that had managed to sliver out of his mouth, and the shameful look on his teammates faced only heightened his guilt and shame.

all atsumu wanted to do was apologise and bury himself in your arms and warmth because today was not a good day for him. he had woken up late, just about had enough time to shower, missed breakfast and forgotten his lunch at home, which was why you had decided to make him an extra special, extra filling lunch for him to enjoy in your company.

but instead atsumu had thrown that back in your face by not only outright refusing you, but by embarrassing you in front of all his teammates as well. he knew you meant well, but he needed all the practise he could get if he was to make it to the starting line-up in the national team.

but he shouldn't have shouted at you like that. never in a million years.

tears had started outlining atsumu’s golden brown irises, out of sadness, frustration and hurt, all his emotions piling into one, as he stared at your crestfallen, teary face and wobbling lips.

‘i’m sorry,’ he whispers out, not trusting his own tongue to portray his true feelings. ‘i- i didn't mean it, i swear.’ you sniffled in response, his words doing little to soothe your embarrassment and hurt. he moves closer to you, gently cupping your face between his shaking palms, testing the waters and forcing your eyes to meet.

a tear drops from atsumu’s eyes and melts into your skin and you instinctively try to blink away your own. you wonder if things would be okay after this, after the things he had said.

but even with the blurriest of eyes, the earnestness in atsumu’s face, the regret and sorrow could not be mistaken. with a wobbly, teary smile, you reassure atsumu, that he was okay. you haven't forgiven him just yet and he’d have to work for it, but your relationship was okay. and that was enough for atsumu. he returns your wobbly, teary smile and reassures you, that he loves you and appreciates everything you do for him, promising to join you for lunch after he packs up.

* this is a repost from my old blog with minor edits !! *

#🌻.sunspell #🌻.haikyuu #haikyuu #hq #tahonet #tht.sinta #spirithub #haikyuu x reader #hq x reader #miya atsumu #atsumu miya #atsumu x reader #miya atsumu x reader #atsumu miya x reader

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eatommo · 1 year

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Regalia [d.d]

cw: fully clothed vs naked, helmet comes off, PRIMAL PLAY, cat and mouse, themes of stalking, smidge of brat taming, praise kink, pinv, mando'a, unprotected sex, use of restraints, sensory deprivation, pussy eating (from the back), cream pie, Din is also a big softy but won't admit it per usual

a/n: Hello! This might be the nastiest thing I've written for Mr. Din can, I did get a Frank/Matt/Reader request that I am working on so if you see this anon I haven't forgotten about you I promise! As always like/reblog even feel free to message me! I don't bite I promise. This is also loosely inspired by some of my favorite authors who inspired me to come back to writing, and being this is a little over a one year anniversary for this blog I just want to say thank you to these @pastafossa @no-droids @absurdthirst @wardenparker (and many others in my near dead brain) lovely people who contribute so much to my life in so many ways <3

wc: A brief but nasty 2k

You don’t know if it’s his elevated tone or his body language, but you know that he is irritated. His shoulders are tight, and his posture is iron as you storm up to him, feet thundering and kicking up blizzards of snow with each step.

“Which one of you decided that the inside of the Cave was a good idea?” You pointedly speak at the wall of metal in front of you, knowing that he’s just as irritated as you are. “Because I will be lucky if I get out of here with the tip of my nose.”

“The kids' ears are turning grey.” He retorts body only growing stiffer as you retreat to the safety of the crest. “So don’t act like you’re the only one suffering.”

You glance down at the hovering pod, the baby sound asleep but his forehead scrunches as if deep in thought. You feel slightly guilty, you don’t know how good beskar is at keeping him warm but you’d imagine there’s a good chance Mando is uncomfortable as well. “Yeah, well maybe if you actually listened to me instead of insisting on finding a bounty that’s probably buried in permafrost.”

“I’ll remember that the next time you ask me to get you caf in a marketplace. Credits don’t come from hyperspace.” His tone is as biting as the wind. “I’m getting real sick of your attitude.” He turns his head real sharp, not a hitch in his strong pace, “How was I supposed to know the fob would lead us to the wrong place?”

You grit your teeth biting back an angry retort as you gaze into the blank slate of his visor, “Maybe you’re just losing your touch.” Putting on a false sense of acceptance in your voice is the best way to get under his skin, and for just a beat of your heart, your resolve falters as silence falls between you. Did you go too far? He’s the least deserving of this attitude, you know that.

“Okay, once we get off this hellscape I’ll show you just how good my touch is sweet girl.” His cadence immediately washes away the smirk on your face and kickstarts a familiar warmth in the pit of your stomach.

Oh.

Oh no.

You’ve never seen so many trees. There are groves upon groves of thick-rooted trees that have practically slowed your head start to a literal crawl as you duck down into a crouch.

Even with a late start, he’s seemingly tracked you down in what feels like a matter of minutes. The unmistakable heavy steps crush leaves and debris as he snakes through the ravine, getting closer and closer as you do your best to stay quiet. Your breath comes quickly as if the atmosphere is thin. He’s instructed you to run, not to hide, but fear is creeping up your spine and you scramble to find purchase after the footsteps fade away.

There’s a brief moment of relief, as you approach a brook, hoping to use it to disguise your trail. You remove your clunky beat-up boots and step into the clear, surprisingly warm water. You take a few steps across the sandy bottom of the creek, the unusual feeling of wet sand between your toes grounding you at the moment with a smile and a small laugh.

The lack of cover doesn't even occur to you until it's too late, just a flash of silver in your peripheral and you're launching yourself downstream, soaking the thin fabric of your pants.

His footsteps grow louder until they sound like they're tearing down every tree in his path to get to you. You divert your path, deciding to truly make a final break for it, as you drop your shoes on the bank. You climb over roots that are taller than your hips and duck under any that you can fit beneath, but the further you get away from the water the more tangled and frequent the trees become.

Swearing under your breath, you find purchase on a branch, testing its strength before using it to help bolster your other leg over the root. The hair on your neck stands straight as a flash of red light shatters the branch you're using to support yourself, sending you back to the ground firmly. You feel the muzzle of Din’s blaster nuzzle into the small of your back.

“Easy.” Your breath is coming in pants, and your heart is racing out of your chest, does he expect you to fight? But again his voice runs down your spine, calm and his breathing even, “Do I have to restrain you? Or do you think you're ready to surrender?”

You chew on your lip, the longer you hesitate the harder the blaster digs into your back, and you begin to feel the weight of his body trap you to the root. The wood is surprisingly soft under your palms, “I yield.”

You feel the sound before you hear it, a great and deep rumbling in his chest of pure satisfaction, of possessiveness, like a vulptex guarding their catch. “Good.”

There's an increasing amount of pressure on your body, shoving you until you're practically bent in half over the wood and he’s pulling your hands behind your back. You feel the weight of something encapsulate your wrist and then the other before you can even protest your wrists are bound tightly together behind your back. You stammer in surprise “I said I yield.”

“I know, this is more for…” The vocoder cuts, and you wonder if he’s turned it off or even changed his mind before the next weighted words settle deep in your core, “leverage.”

Your body involuntarily shutters, fighting the urge to moan as he begins to strip you from your clothes. “This is what we were doing?” Confidence suddenly bolstered by the neediness in his movements, practically tearing your trousers down your legs. “I could’ve been naked this whole time.”

He’s practically growling over your shoulder, as he tosses his gloves onto the thick branch, “Next time.” He uses his knee to nudge your thighs apart and plants a hand on the wood next to your hip lining himself up, you wince in anticipation knowing the stretch will be painful.

Instead, you heard a curse, and his body’s warmth is gone for a moment, all you can listen to is metal on metal as he tears the rising phoenix from his back, and he takes the cape from his shoulders, and lays it on the wood beneath you in one fluid motion.

Kriff, in the heat of a chase and what's likely going to be the roughest fuck of your life, he’s still worried about the roughness of the wood on your soft skin. Under your breath, you mumble a quick “Thank you.” that he dismisses with a soft caress down your spine.

He feels the tension in your back beneath his palm, as frantic as the need to fuck you is and his normal urge to make it hurt just a little bit not waning, he is aware of just how big his cock is and decides to drag this whole charade to both of your wit's end. “Eyes shut for me C’yare.”

It’s usually unlike you to do as told, but there’s a cutting-edge of a promise in his tone as if he is trying to encourage you to comply for your own benefit. So you do, and in an even more unlikely turn of events, you hear the hiss of his helmet unlatching. Before your scrambled adrenaline-riddled body can even comprehend what's happening it is being lowered over your head. Barely cracking an eye open you realize your vision is null, there is nothing but black for your searching eyes to find.

Your heart beats away in your chest, and the thrill of being caught is now only amplified in a different sense. You begin to wonder why he decided to take this risk when he is usually so careful, so painstakingly stubborn, but then his hot tongue licks up the seam of your core. You curse, his stubble is rougher than usual, and it tickles the back of your thighs, as he tortuously licks into your slit, drinking up each bit of arousal he earns.

“You’re so beautiful for me.” He uses his fingers to separate your lips, displaying the flushed skin of your cunt to his visor-free eyes, “Mesh’la.” He plants a single lingering kiss on your clit, letting his nose nuzzle against your entrance teasingly.

Your knees buckle as you picture yourself laid out for him, pathetically draped over a root and grinding back on his face naked and desperate, while he is dressed in his full regalia, minus the helmet that he places so trustingly upon your head. Swallowing a whine, you start to rock your hips against his mouth in a silent plea for something, anything.

In contrast to his profession, he can be incredibly gentle, at least in the beginning. He suckles and licks at the supple skin of your pussy, coaxing pleasure out of your body with a languid accuracy.

The sudden change from running for your life to being walked to the edge of orgasm is enough to give you whiplash. “You’re doing so well for me.” You know he likely can’t see you but you nod anyway, the praise coming from right against your skin as if he can’t bear to leave your pussy for a breath. “Cum for me so I can take my prize,” Another lingering kiss, “Sweet girl.”

You continue to rock your hips against his face, and he nuzzles deeper sucking your clit into his mouth and shaking his head back and forth, gently but with haste you can feel vibrating through his own body. Your climax all but wrestles you to the ground, knees giving out as you practically sit back onto his face, riding the waves of the orgasm with shudders and cries.

Unable to stop himself he nips at the curve of your ass as he stands up, his cock heavy in the flight suit and weeping against his much cooler skin. You take the moment to try and catch your breath, chest heaving and body still vibrating more than you ever thought possible. The smell of him is surrounding you thanks to his cape, barely making it past the helmet's defenses.

He’s lined up at your entrance within a matter of moments, whatever patience and grace he’s shown you thus far is gone as he plunges his thick and painfully hard cock deep, striking up another fire in your belly.

The plates of beskar adorning his thighs dig into your skin, undoubtedly leaving bruises for him to apologize for later, but the pain only adds to the delicious resonating pleasure with each punishing thrust of his hips. You can hear the root of the tree creaking with his efforts, threatening to break with each slap of your bodies joining together. The pace is inhuman, he’s fucking into you like he wants you to lose the ability to walk, scrubbing so deliciously against that spot that makes you see stars. Then he remembers the cuffs.

One of his hands leaves your hips and wraps tight around the link joining your hands, he starts tugging you back onto his cock with each thrust, fucking deeper than you ever thought possible.

You start to clamp down around him, and as your body goes limp against him he growls, hunching down to bite on your shoulder. The cool shock of his chest plate mixed with the feeling of his teeth in your skin is enough to send you barreling over the edge.

The feeling of your pussy baring down on him draws that delicious tingle at the base of his spine up until his brain and his endless praise are scrambled with the white heat of his orgasm. His hips stutter a few more thrusts, as he pumps ropes of his hot cum deep inside your pussy.

He manages a loose fist against the log so that he may trail some kisses down your back and across your shoulders, it’s not often that he gets to have these moments with you, “Eyes closed again C’yare.”

In the afterglow of your orgasms, he gives you the most gentle and loving of kisses on your mouth, before he returns to being the iron-clad hunter you’ll never doubt again.

#din djarin x reader smut #din djarin smut #din djarin x reader #din djarin #mandalorian smut #the mandalorian #the mandalorian x you #the mandalorian smut #the mandalorian spoilers #star wars fanfiction #pedrostories

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