#I mean sure Andrew has Bee which is absolutely amazing and I love that for him | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

nobody-knose--archive · 3 years

Text

so guess who bought complete demos today on a whim

yeah i wasn’t expecting this one to be over as quickly as it was either. have your liveblog

-complete demos. i bought it today & already forgot the tracklist. listening to it on the mp3 player i got for hmcrmshcidshdamsth because why not. makes pausing/typing easier that's why

-who the heck just coughed

-good lord the mixing is. and boy that's steve drumming isn't it. wow

-i mean we've got the stereo panning just like ever but this is incredibly rough. they are true babies aren't they

-oh those flutes are amazing what the hell. can people stop yelling in my individual ears

-and there's the rough megaphone. it's so incredibly clear that these aren't studio recordings but like. still tally hall!

-i think i'm finding many of these a little too funny but gotdam you're pitchbending your own voice do you really expect that to not sound so goofy at such a high pitch

-oh we're not slowing down at all, this is the same tempo as before for sure

-the flipping around audio channels is very not good at all when it comes to disguising the cuts between takes

-a sculptor you say? (is that one in the later versions? i don't remember it at all)

-nothing but rob's voices in the background and maybe 1 or two from red. no ross bits whatsoever. that's wild

-quick move into the greener intro and even quicker movement into greener itself

-well those are extra harmonies. interesting that they removed them for later versions because they're not bad, maybe a little out of place though

-honestly the biggest difference in steve vs ross drumming seems to be more a difference in the quality of the drums themselves. or the recording software but that applies to everything in this album

-it's painfully obvious that everything was recorded in really different circumstances & not mixed professionally and yep. complete demos alright. not inaccurately named in the slightest

-reminds me of the beta versions of g&e songs we heard live before they appeared on the album, makes me wonder if we could've gotten an admittedly complete demos for g&e somehow

-anyway these little different synths-

-hello there rob. alternate bridge. i have remembered this is a thing. something about tissues? a shoulder to cry on? cool

-yeah the little different synths do capture my attention from time to time

-and a basic piano for the outro? huh. sure gives it a different tone alright

-hm? who's that right at the end there- ooh! wtth time! and this still has steve in it doesn't it?

-generally more enthusiasm when it comes to that T, wonder what lost him attention in later years

-boy is that beatboxing weirdly mixed.

-lawn

-well this chorus is actually rather snazzy. the vocals seem better mixed than anything else i've heard in this album

-"who's to blame?" that's like the 4th time now i've heard someone's random voice that i can't recognize. ...it couldn't be steve, could it? i am now aware i have absolutely no clue what his voice sounds like but that seems like it could fit. hm

-zubin sounds really unenthusiastic here. just faintly unenthusiastic all over the place. still sounds more like "badiggle" than anything else

-oh shit they're falling down a well

-red's bit is hella unchanged other than the direct invasion of my individual ears & extra megaphone useage (i really wish the megaphone became more of a tally icon than it did but that's neither here nor there)

-it's rather more barebones though. less andrew keys in general. the calliope-reminiscent synth he uses is different i suppose.

-they did more stuff with funny crowd voices i think i've noticed. playing around with falsetto, as a college band dude might do

-ok yeah steve is a worse drummer. don't ask me what made me change my mind but i did

-wow a crowd that can consistently clap on the 1-2-3-4? how utterly unrealistic

-no wonky wild & weird intro to taken for a ride because i don't think it's on this album. understandable, i can't imagine what sort of wild hell the vocoder would be if it was attempted this early in its lifespan

-1st 2 piano chords of just apathy has me thinking of i know your name (deporitaz ver.) which is certainly as good a start to a song as any

-extended piano intro has me thinking of the ending of mold en mono but nope here's rob's voice to completely knock that impression out of the water

-ohoho? rob cantor swearing momence? i hadn't realized there'd be this many lyric changes

-interestingly enough this track doesn't seem horrendously mixed so far- nevermind that guitar/piano together is way too loud

-the guitar itself does have a pretty cool unique sound. obviously they hadn't had any access to string instruments at this point so given that those're the main thing separating this song from your average sade rock ballad there aren't a whole lot of notable differences here other than said guitar

-very different tone to this lil bridge. faintly reminiscent of weezer but it's not like i know anything about weezer

-sounds like the same synth from wtth being used in the bg there. what, did they have just that limited a selection so as to need repetition that frequently, or did they really like how it sounds? hard to tell with 200 (uhhhh) 4 college band dudes

-and right into two wuv. yes i had heard there's no haiku in this one but i forget what else will be missing. not sure if anything else will other than hidden in the sand. they would have ruler of everything, right? and a track that appears here but not any other albums? something like that i think

-more of that piano in the bg and more of mildly unenthusiastic zubin singing. different melody for said singing but it's not much of a secret that these guys were more untrained vocalists at this time

- .subsides?

-this chorus sounds significantly more laid-back than the later version

-the extra piano part sure moves this piece way further away from "rock love song" & way closer to "andrew horowitz song", especially that lil flourish where a bee buzzing might otherwise be

-ooh! andrew! he speaks! so does zubin! this song's two olsen boys coming in for a weird bridge bit! hell yeah oh this is adorable

-"because there's 2 of them :}"

-hm. are they actually just removing various parts because they don't have the technological capabilities to do a straight fadeout here? got dam

-i suppose letting zubin do a final solo-ish cadence works too

-uh- say it ain't so‽ w. no this is stationary love, the song that appeared here & nowhere else. cool, cool. strange but cool i guess

-i guess that can explain the multitude of weezer comparisons made for these lads. it's certainly there. honestly andrew was the only thing keeping them from being true weezer successors

-pure acoustic guitar thus far. this is my first time hearing this song of course & it seems like a pretty typical rob "homophonic heterophobic" cantor song

-nothing but acoustic guitar. nothing but rob vocals. nothing but alloromanticism. guess what! it's not my cup of tea! however i can't help but think if this song was worked on more, fixed up a la either mmmm release, with some more andrew/red touches, i could enjoy it some more

-not even any drumming. the simplicity could easily explain why it wasn't played live very often at all

-so the next thing i expect is some very funky & very weird spring and a storm which should highlight steve's (worse) drumming more than anything else i'm sure

-nevermind banana man's just getting slapped directly in here out of order compared to the later mmmm releases. this version i have indeed heard before because it's the version used in the music video

-therefore i have very little to say about it i haven't said on any of the other banana men. or other tracks on this album. the intrusions of vocal harmonies seem jarring because they're not mixed professionally, an effect that's only enhanced by the stereo panning & intense reverb

-this song really didn't change all that much over its lifespan, did it? vocal flairs were redone, but relatively few harmonies were added/removed, i don't think things like the bridge(s) were modified severely. not as noticeably as any of the other songs, at the very least

-i'm pretty sure i can hear andrew's voice in there but beyond that this is severely unsettling

-back to the chorus wahoo. relievingly familiar territory

-get out of my left ear hawaiian guitar- wait a minute are my earbuds on wrong

-no i'm good

-oh holy shit i forgot this had to be somewhere didn't it‽ i know it's just the same! ok ok

-i've heard this one but only because i had no idea it was from complete demos, it's like rather polished too so i had never considered it would be on an unpolished album like this. i also had no idea that was goddam steve drumming in there too hot damn

-and this is the only recording of it‽ that's wild i always thought it was redone at some point & just kinda. manifested in one of the vague ways miscellaneous high quality tally hall songs do

-it's another romance one but the guitar arpeggios and extra layers give it a pass in my book. man i should watch the music video for it shouldn't i

-i still think it's utterly wild how tally hall played this at an actual high school's homecoming once. wouldn't that just blow your mind

-there's not a major difference between how it's performed here & what i've heard of it in from the occasional live performance, which is making me realize i should watch more live performances of this song

-angstier prequel to hidden in the sand

-or sidequel maybe. depends really. we can tell whatever stories we like

-did my hidden in the sand sotry come out of the queue yet? i feel like i queued it a while ago but also like y'all would've said something if you'd seen it

-bit slow paced innit. much like everything else in this album, it would have gained much from a professional studio treatment, but its mixing & general quality is still surely the best out of everything i've heard so far

-working your falsetto there aren't you my dude? ooh boy

-ruler of everything.... so no spring & a storm? >{

-yeah. ok. weird glockenspiel. almost sounds like a music box

-no vocoding either! i just realized that's a thing here! curious. and... those are some heavily wonky sfx in the background

-who's singing those aaaaas anyway? it's not a chorus which i thought could surely be handled and there's really minimal reverb too; strange considering not only is reverb a jh trademark but easily doable here

-the piano synth used is mostly identical to the 05 mmmm- oh holy shit there's different lyrics & they're being beamed directly into my skull

-even more nonsensical & it's because you can hear them hella easily too. that backwards segment did not need to go on as long as it did. also

-so no zubin vocals? >{

-slapping 5 billion vocal effects on doesn't make up for a lack of the best singer in this damn band

-especially because he sounds reminiscent of goddam fred. being fred before fred was even a thing. oh how accursed

-quiet down your guitars when you're singing shouting through a megaphone if you please

-and there's the earstrain-ass reverb + vocoding on the flibbity jibber jabber reprise. i feared as much would happen. doesn't sound horrible i just need to turn down the volume on my mp3 player

-honestly thing whole thing isn't bad at all in the sense that it's mostly just strongly different from the later versions & lacks zubin

-lease stop yelling though my dude schwiggling your voice like that isn't always a good thing at high volumes

-is that the end? are we.... at the end? i heard that's the name of some song from like sketches or something

-no. how silly of me to assume as much. anyway my dude needs to fix up his ukulele this one sounds like shit

-no vocal effects makes me realize how few times we got this one live-

-now what would you call a wonky little transition like that? puts a smile on my face, even if it does take me by surprise at the same time

-but at least one of the times this was done live featured casey shea

-now for the love of god i already hate the ending of something glowing (view-monster) for its weird-ass asmr finale don't reverse someone's cough & twiddle your ukulele strings directly into my right ear to end an otherwise really nice version of hidden in the sand if you please. oh mama mia. good night

#tally hall #loolin liveblogs #joe is mentioned sometimes but not by name fyi #tis i #as usual it's recommended that you listen to the album in question as you read to get a better idea of the context #because 9 times out of 10 i won't tell you it #i feel like i come off as slightly negative for much of this. what can i say complete demos is an album of amateur demos #the songs aren't as good as their later counterparts by nature & that's all i ever have to say #to the world and back again

4 notes · View notes

fallingin-like · 4 years

Text

november 5

paper skies by @allforthebee [requested by @annawrites]

see which other fics i’m reviewing this month! / my review request post!

this is a fic with absolutely amazing descriptions and imagery. featuring librarian!andrew and a lot of introspection. the writing is so beautiful, i could not possibly capture how it made me feel in words. this fic was so so good.

this fic is so beautiful. i was intrigued by what you meant by it being a love letter to Bluets but now i understand. i’ve started to read a free preview of Bluets (on google books) and i think i’m falling in love with it too. it’s the kind of book that you need a physical copy of. i immediately looked up where i could purchase a copy. the cover is so nice (i’m seeing the one that’s all blue with the square in the middle) i was disappointed that none of the stores within a reasonable distance stock this. i think i love the colour blue too. it seems everytime i read something about it, i feel it. this fic, Bluets, and one other fic, “where everything is good”. it also seems to fit andrew well.

parts that i especially liked (it’s almost embarrassing that i’m almost quoting the whole fic):

”he stares at the seam for a moment, before deciding he likes it. he makes a mental note to tell bee. she likes when he tells her things like that.” i like that this version of andrew lets himself like things. i like that he knows bee well enough to know what she likes and i like that he wants to do things that he likes. i especially like that he acknowledges that he is capable of doing things that other people like. sometimes i find that people in the fandom (myself included) are guilty of forgetting that andrew experiences emotion. that he experienced it before meeting neil and he experiences it after (even when neil is not around). it makes me feel like this is a softer version of andrew, but i realise that this is just andrew. we don’t know what he’s thinking during the series but even though he doesn’t emote often, he must have thoughts like these.

”he doesn’t understand why books aren’t organized by colour. andrew could tell more about a book by the dye of its sleeve than the content of its pages.” can you imagine? this would make a library so beautiful. i really like this

”he moves onto fiction, starting with z because sometimes going backwards is less overwhelming.” YEs

”he doesn’t trust the blues that can’t decide whether or not they want to be blue. they leave behind a residue, and andrew feels the weight of them long after he’s washed his hands” the way you describe this is so good. i feel this even if i don’t fully understand it

”he’s not the type to have a collection of blue coloured things at home, but if he sees a particularly striking bouquet of forget-me-nots, or the rough swells of cobalt sea, he’ll pause and allow himself the moment to exist” this feels very much like andrew. i love the last part of this. i think i need to practice this as well, seeing something that is lovely and pausing and allowing myself the moment to exist.

”because, in the twenty-six years andrew had been alive, he’d come to find that blues hurt the most. because, in a world that insists nothing meant anything unless you let it, andrew had been quick to learn everything meant something whether you want it to or not.” this makes me hurt, too. sometimes things are too beautiful, you love too much, you let yourself fear, and it hurts more for it. the wording of this is so nice.

“post-google dust rises from the shelf, and andrew makes a face” this is a great example of the amazing humour that you incorporate in this fic. it’s funny and lightens the fic, but doesn’t feel out of place.

”three years ago, andrew sat across the table from a boy who looked just like him, only to walk out and leave him behind” i really really like the way you wrote this, but i can’t describe it. the words you chose are perfect.

”he didn’t know how disappointing andrew could be” oh no andrew. (but also, this hits a bit different bc it’s too close to what my own inner monologue sounds like sometimes. it makes me feel exposed and raw and also not as alone as i previously felt)

”oh, andrew thought. this is what blue feels like” THIS HURTS.

”and so he bounced from house to house, painting himself with bruises, in the hopes that he would find someone out there who loved the colour blue” ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhHHhhh

”if someone tears a line into their carpet and no one is there to witness it, does it still hurt?” if someone tears lines into themselves and no one is there to witness it, does it still hurt? (i do not know the answer to this.)

”he starts to fidget when he stays in one place for too long, like he’s afraid his bones will sprout leaves if he’s rooted in one place” i don’t want be too bold in my interpretations of your work, but to me this feels like something andrew has learned from his time as a child. the longer he stays in a home, the deeper his roots are, the more hopeful he becomes, the more it hurts when he is forced to move.

i love your descriptions of the sky. they’re gorgeous.

”there’s a song in his head, but he doesn’t remember the words” i really like that you added this sentence.

”summer lightning shatters the sky, and andrew shivers electric blue” this imagery is amazing. you have such a way with words that something so simple has such impact

this concept of the difference between liking things that don’t change vs things that stay the same. i see myself in this. ever since i was a child, i’ve been very resistant and afraid of change. i think i do prefer things that don’t change, but i’ve never thought about it this much.

”after all, if all you’ve ever known is change, then that’s staying the same, no? and, from what you’ve told me, blue is always changing.” oh

”andrew’s mouth goes a little slack. pretty.” THIS MAKES ME FEEL SO SOFT.

i cannot believe that neil walks in, andrew immediately thinks he’s pretty, then absolutely refuses to respond to him. what an icon

”there’s intent in labels, and andrew doesn’t want for anything” ahhh

ANDREW STAMPS THE SAME CARD FIVE TIMES

“neil josten, he mouths, tasting sea water” i read this and just marvel for the thousandth time at how good you are at writing

”andrew debates painting the walls with blue glitter-glue” CAN YOU IMAGINE. ANDREW ON A LADDER PAINTING THE WALLS WITH BLUE GLITTER

”i’m pretty sure i learned the alphabet in kindergarten” neil, you’re killing me.

andrew’s library must be so beautiful! it has stained glass? amazing.

”makes me feel like more than i am” this is how this fic makes me feel.

SORRY ANDREW PUSHES NEIL AROUND ON HIS CART THAT’S SO ADORABLE

can you believe that andrew kept neil’s license in his pocket for WEEKS. he must have changed pants during that time and just, ‘whoop gotta bring neil’s id bc what if he visitssss’

i can’t believe that you forced me to look at the standard error of regression slope and standard error of difference of sample means with my own eyes. what terrible formulae. i like math, but these are really just The Worst

”andrew’s world has been reduced to a rainbow pack of post-it notes, and somehow, he couldn’t bring himself to miss blue”

”andrew feels raw, like a blossoming bruise. he gets this way after his sessions with bee. the truth is a dirty fighter, and it leaves him ugly and sore for days. he should’ve known blue always comes back” there are no words that exist that i could use to sufficiently respond to this. i can only say that this is so special, these are the kinds of sentences that stay with you

”they stay like that for a while, neil kissing away the taste of blue until andrew’s left tasting bright orange” !!!

did you know, my favourite type of gummy bear is the blue ones?

i love the integration of quotes from the book into this fic. they work very well in separating the fic in sections and help establishing the tone. there are so many good quotes/numbers in Bluets, i’m curious how you chose which to include? and of these, how did you choose what part of each number to use?

this fic is amazing. i’ve read it before in the past and now that i’m coming back to comment on it, i do not know why i have never commented before. this is something special. you have humour that fits so well with your style of writing. you make writing seem so easy, it’s as if the words have always existed and just needed to be written down. what a pleasure to read. my brain is not good at producing imagery while i read, but it seemed like i watched this fic play out instead of reading it. everything is so vivid and realistic and you pick out just the right details, you add just the right sentence. it makes me more aware of what i am feeling and the absence of feeling (i repress a lot of emotions lol) this fic makes me want so bad. this is the kind of fic that i will think about long after i have read it. it’s so raw and intense and real and it feels very true to andrew.

one of my favourite parts of this fic is how you use your word choice, tone, pacing, and quotes. you are a very skilled writer. when i read this everything around and inside of me goes quiet.

thank you so much for writing this.

#paper skies #aftg fic review #raelle writes

18 notes · View notes

vroenis · 4 years

Text

Circa 2009 - 2019

Lede with a picture, righto...

In true style, that’s going to deter the lot, but gotta stay on brand.

To have this discussion, we’re going to need a list. A musical timeline of sorts with the exception of four key events;

2002 Balance 003 (compiled and mixed by Bill Hamel) 2008 Jóhann Jóhannsson, Fordlandia 2009 Telefon Tel Aviv, Immolate Yourself 22nd January - Charles Cooper dies Tosca, No Hassle Hildur Guðnadóttir, Without Sinking

2010 Jóhann Jóhannsson, And In The Endless Pause There Came The Sound Of Bees 2011 Bon Iver, self titled 2012 Bat For Lashes, The Haunted Man 2013 13th January - Kentucky Route Zero Act I is first released Andrew Bayer, If It Were You, We'd Never Leave Darkside, Psychic The Haxan Cloak, Excavation 2014 Siavash Amini, Til Human Voices Wake Us 2015 Björk, Vulnicura Siavash Amini, Subsiding Jóhann Jóhannsson, Sicario (original soundtrack)

2016 The 1975, I Like It When You Sleep, For You Are So Beautiful Yet So Unaware Of It 2017 Björk, Utopia Siavash Amini, TAR 2018 9th February - Jóhann Jóhannsson dies 29th June - Bill Hamel dies Andrew Bayer, In My Last Life The 1975, A Brief Inquiry Into Online Relationships Siavash Amini, FORAS Skee Mask, Compro 2019 Siavash Amini, SERUS Apparat, LP5 Telefon Tel Aviv, Dreams Are Not Enough

While I’ve added a precursor of two albums to give context to two of the events that happen in the timeline, it is effectively book-ended by the two most recent albums from Telefon Tel Aviv. These albums form a frame in which so many things have happened - in my life, and seemingly in the lives of others. Some clearly in the events so evident and unavoidable, painfully so and still lingering in the minds and emotions of those they directly affect and us in the periphery who only have the most faintest of contact yet still seem to perceive ourselves significantly touched. By this I mean the death of Charles Cooper - if I feel devastated, having only ever been had an impression of his character via the channel of his art, there isn’t a universe in which I can possibly imagine what Joshua Eustis’ daily experience is, so I can’t and won’t speak to it.

And I guess that’s where the story begins.

In 2009 my best friend who remains so to this day plays me Immolate Yourself for the first time - bearing in mind they and I are slightly different people, probably me more-so than they. Our tastes in music have always been fairly broad. We’ve never been haters of pop-music at all, they’ve always embraced pop more than I but I’ve always appreciated pop. In by brief stint industry-side when I was professionally working, I did form an appreciation for the labour, but in general I still maintain a high appreciation for the craft. In any industry there will always be a valuable critique of culture and bad culture exists everywhere. We must always work to protect the vulnerable at all times, no excuses, and erode imbalances of power.

Back to 2009. The album blows us both away and I’m fairly confident in speaking for us both, changes us forever. We both have immense music libraries having purchased music constantly from young ages, but no matter what we cycle through or have in rotation, Immolate Yourself has always been evergreen. Not to say it’s in daily rotation constantly - it’s not exactly that kind of album. It’s highly emotionally charged and a demanding listen, and sometimes I am listening to it once a day for a given period, but it certainly is highly mood-dependent - more-so than some of the other music in my collection which is completely fine in that not all art has to be hitting at that level.

I remember our conversations about Charles, how shattered we were, our conversations about suicide, mental health - please be aware that at the time, it was rumoured Charles Cooper’s death was due to suicide but later several reports ruled that it wasn’t. That’s that. The purpose of bringing it up is to give context to R and my discussions. Some years prior I had my own mental health diagnosis clarified and had seen some improvements on and off with my personal management, but the rigours of life still presented challenges significant enough to cause extreme frustration, anger and anxiety. I’d say these days, in the year of our Synth Lordz 2020, I’m doing much better and on better medication management and that would still be true.

I don’t go looking for articles or interviews with Joshua Eustis about what his life has been life at all or how things are for him now. I do follow him on twitter and we’ve had a few great, unrelated exchanges. When I bought and had my first listen-through of Dreams Are Not Enough last year, I told him I wanted to delete the rest of my music collection which of-course is hyperbole and he knows that, but as I’ve mentioned elsewhere (this almost always means Instagram), I always want to have these extreme responses to art. It doesn’t have to be all the time, but it has to be at regular intervals, even if they’re separated by long periods of time. Art is so important to me. Sometimes I joke - love you don’t have to work to receive, but art takes labour. Maybe I’m not joking (typical artist wank :P )

Apparat (Sascha Ring) was one of those artists I never bought back in 2009 but he was always in the playlists, always at the festivals. Maybe he did remixes? Or his music was being remixed. I dug his stuff, it was pretty cool, but back then he was probably in the periphery for me. He, like many for me, faded into the background. Because I follow Joshua/Telefon on Twitter, I randomly see a retweet or an exchange between him and Apparat, probably about software or plugins etc., and think far-out, Apparat’s still around... and he released an album in March (2019). I’m going to go have a bit of a listen and if it’s good HOLY SHIT...

To help me characterise what I hear when I listen to LP5, I’ve included a very important album from Tosca, interestingly released at the beginning of our bookend; No Hassle. I don’t really know what the zeitgeist is on this album, but my completely uninformed instinct is to say it’s not popular. For me, tho, No Hassle is absolutely divine. It’s an astonishing listen because it’s in some ways *unexciting* - it’s a severely sober listen. There’s next to no energy in it at all, even when Richard and Rupert dare to tilt into a major key, they’re still listlessly meandering along as if they got up too late or are still sitting in an old sofa or are just happy enough to be strolling and the conversation is good enough at a moderate level before we head back down as the sun sets and the night swallows everything up. It’s an album I listen to almost exclusively in the car during night drives, or in either my house or in hotels, airports, any other environment but always when it’s dark. Cheesily I call these works “Midnight Albums”, and I tend to characterise them as serious listening, when I’m feeling meditative, pensive, neutral, dead-sticking, however you may wish to describe the sensation.

LP5 is along very similar veins for me and it strikes me as extremely interesting. Sascha didn’t exactly disappear for 10 years, his wiki page lists two other albums in 2011 and 2013 respectively as well as other collaborations and work, but to me, just the sound of this album strikes me as particularly unique to being distinct from the years gone by. That sounds like a redundant statement - that might be true of everything altho with art I often don’t think that’s the case at all, but when I first heard LP5, I thought Sascha - shit’s happened to you. I don’t know what it is, but then I figure...

Shit’s happened to us all.

Anyone well inducted into the Anjunabeats cult (lol it’s a joke, you can laugh - I’m a fellow cultist) of trance will be familiar with Andrew Bayer. A good thing the Anjuna label seems to be doing and more of of late, is funnelling some of their phat stacks of cash to their talent so they can actually record full albums if they wish, a venture which I’m sure isn’t profitable for them in any way unless they go on tour, contingent of-course on the material being shoppable. I’m sure that makes Spencer Brown a darling - not having a go at him, I love both his albums to death, they’re amazing, but I genuinely don’t think there’s any pressure on the artist to produce tourable music. I feel Andrew has the latitude to do whatever he wants, and he works at the shoppable remixes because it’s fun for him and they have a wonderful community of talent in constant contact with one another so the opportunities are there.

In 2013, Andrew Bayer releases his album which upon hearing I instantly buy. It’s a pretty neat departure from all things trance - it’s beaty, synthy, broken samples and pushing at ambient at times. Then I get to the amazing last track titled “Closing Act”. This is 100% without question inspired by and styled after the music of Jóhann Jóhannsson.

On the 9th of February, 2018, Jóhann Jóhannsson dies.

I’ve just come back from stepping away from this writing for about two hours. I appreciate people interact with art, artists, performers and people of varying level of exposure (read: celebrities) in different ways so let’s just bypass any discussion of how other people behave. It’s fine. As for me, I try to maintain what I believe to be a healthy sense of distance from people of cultural note. They’re still people; human beings, and I don’t know them. Actors and musicians had died before, artists I’d “grown up with”, admired etc., but Jóhann‘s death struck me with force. It still haunts me.

Why?

I don’t know him. I never knew him. For all I know, he may have been an arsehole to everyone around him. I had to and still interrogate my emotional response and I very much do it with the greatest of intent. Is it stupendously capitalist? Am I so entrenched in my lust for his music? His product? That is literally all I can say I know of him; what he produced - what he gave, what he offered. Is it because I want more? No - not really. There are artists still alive who have chosen not to offer more and I have no problem accepting this. There are artists who have more to offer and aren’t able to due to the economics of power and the power of economics and I’m certainly angry about that while they’re alive. I grieved for Jóhann. I was so upset. I shut myself in my studio and cried.

In some way, regardless of not knowing anything at all about the circumstances of his death, I felt that we had all failed.

Knowing even in the smallest element that mental health was a contributing factor to his life and death leads me to make assumptions about the kind of world he may have existed in, what his experience may have been. Regardless of whatever differences there might be between his experiences, now finite, and my own, I still believe there is justification to draw parallels. Not because he’s semi-famous, but because we are both humans, and that it is known he struggled with mental health. It is as much about known, documented and shared stories of services, medications and social experiences as it is about everything that is unspoken that all people with mental health concerns know. We may not know to what degree we might have commonalities, but the one thing we may have in common is that there are so many things we cannot share - speak, or expose, and there are things at times we feel we must not expose in order to survive. It is at this point I must emphasise that health professionals will always dispense such advise as “You’re never alone/you never have to carry burdens alone” etcetera etcetera and I value the intention in such actions. I’m here to appreciate the goodwill behind such advice, but purely by nature of existence, we are each of us alone - this is not an emotional fact, this is simply reality. You cannot inhabit our bodies and minds and live our lives for us - nor can you overcome our physiological concerns internally on our behalf. You can offer us medications but it is still we who have to bear the process of evaluating whether we can endure the experience of synthesising them.

Professionals need to always respect that fact and never forget it.

This is key when I interrogate my emotional response and reaction to Jóhann Jóhannsson‘s death. I don’t know what treatments he may have been receiving but I also don’t know what his life experience was, because treatment in and of itself is less than one half of the equation, perhaps not even a third. The total texture of a human’s experience is woven from so many fibres; and one of them is the cultural response of the people surrounding them, from the immediate individuals to generalised language in use within earshot to advertising unwillingly overheard to adopted via accepted use over time to idioms adopted when people have literally no idea what words mean and what they can mean and how they can directly affect others.

Am I blaming this nebulous spectre of Society? Of-course not. Am I wanting to focus a microscope on the microcosm of communities within this idea of Society or induce guilt on individuals? Also no. But there is still a sensation of endemic guilt and carelessness that we do not make better attempts, perhaps not even to approach a comprehensive understanding of mental health, but at least to triage some of the casual damage we do by being completely careless with it with poor cultural practice. It’s such a difficult thing to speak to because the terms are at one moment so specific and yet the next so generalised. What are we to do? How can we improve when it’s no-one’s fault and yet everyone’s fault? How can we be effective if we want to discard useless, terrible and outdated ideas like blame and backwards accountability and yet we haven’t even begun to understand how the shape of our behaviour is having such devastating effects?

The cost is literally human life.

The interrogation goes further. Why only Jóhann? Why don’t I mourn every death? At the risk of diverting to whataboutism, it’s still worth asking, because it’s clear I valued his life because of his art, and it can’t be avoided that I list Bill Hamel for the same reason. Balance 003 is for me the best collection of minimal trance in history and there has never been another since, the genre has evolved and as yet has not been revisited. Bill himself joined with some friends to work on some more upbeat and detailed music but then himself died in June of 2018, but I wasn’t to find out for months and again, was shattered. I didn’t know Bill either but there were more anecdotal accounts of his personality available online, and they certainly were glowing and positive, and that’s how I think of him - fondly, regardless of not knowing him.

Later in 2018 Andrew Bayer released his next album. It’s a collection of vocal pieces, and the final song is titled End Of All Things. Eerily but welcomed, many of its musical stylings begin to resemble Jóhann Jóhannsson‘s, and Alison May lends her voice to lyrics that include the following;

Roll down the aisle You were bold to go first With a fist to the earth

I don’t like to quote a lot of lyrics, and you can look the rest of them up if you want, but if you do, like me, you might interpret the song to be about death. I don’t know if Andrew Bayer wrote this for Jóhann Jóhannsson, or only for him or at all. He probably wrote it for someone else entirely, probably someone he actually personally knew. Maybe he just wrote it about death in general. It doesn’t matter because for me it was the first catalyst in musical form for processing Jóhann Jóhannsson‘s death in some dimension. It wouldn’t be until much later, when Justin/Telefon Tel Aviv retweeted Siavash Amini that I’d find art as powerful as Jóhann's and Andrew’s and of-course Justin’s own, but each artist is their own texture and I listen to them all in different ways when in different moods.

2019 - Dreams Are Not Enough

There is so much more writing I can do with this short list of albums. I’m at 2800+ words and I’ve barely scratched the surface. That first, dull image at the top of the piece is the directory structure of my music collection, replicated on the hard-drive that goes into my car and on my personal music player - I don’t use my phone for music. While I do listen to music from every directory over time, of late I’m gravitating more and more to two main folders; Ultimate and Survival, and almost all of the music from the list in this piece comes from those two directories with only one or two exceptions.

I’m a bit miffed I didn’t get to write about The 1975, there’s some great stuff to be said about their work and I’ve written about them before, but I have so much more to say, especially culminating with Love It If We Made It as a generational, cultural proclamation. We’re on the verge of the new album tho (time of writing is 29th February 2020) so who knows, maybe I’ll get the opportunity to be topical with that but knowing me, I’ll still bury it behind a wall of text but that will be for the better, I’m sure.

I need to close on Dreams Are Not Enough, tho, and also Kentucky Route Zero. I think I’ve mentioned it before - completing Kentucky Route Zero was the catalyst for me to start writing again, and it’s there in the timeline that the first act released in January of 2013. Last tumblr entry, I briefly touched on being in a holding pattern until KRZ was completed by its developer, Cardboard Computer, and since completing it, I’ve gone off socials which means I’ve greatly diminished my activity on social media and returned to long-format writing. This entry and the last on tumblr are very much evidence of that. Way back in 2013 when I first completed that first act, Kentucky Route Zero was one of those seminal experiences I felt was made just for me. After years of playing all sorts of traditional video games, I’d grown tired of their play dynamics in many senses. I still liked traditional games, and in some ways still do now, but I will always hunger for boundaries to be pushed, for greater things to be said, for things to be said and done in conjunction and in parallel; in layers and simultaneously; artfully, with complexity and subtlety, or with simplicity but with great humanity and maturity. I remember watching Serial Experiments: Lain, the first episode and feeling like it was made just for me, and then that feeling being amplified a million times over with Haibane Renmei and Texhnolyze. There are reasons these works are so rare and so unpopular. Again - I’ll reaffirm I still love a lot of pop and there’s nothing wrong with generalised and widely celebrated art at all, a lot of it’s cool. But when you find something so unique that speaks so much to your experience in a way that’s powerful to the point of dialect...

That is what Kentucky Route Zero and Porpentine’s Howling Dogs are to me.

That’s what these albums are to me, and Telefon Tel Aviv’s albums somehow have book-ended this period in my life. Each album captures a facet of turbulence, of emotion, probably a little bit of joy, or chaos and a healthy dose of hedonism too, but I have other music for that and I tend not to talk about it much. I’m sure joy and euphoria can be complicated for others and that’s cool, but it’s not something I feel drawn to discuss.

All of this art, this Art Worth Dying For, seems to be the only thing I can engage with at the moment, in the wake of completing Kentucky Route Zero. I have shooty shooty games sitting on the Playstation that I once did really enjoy and probably will again, I don’t know. But right now I can’t bear the thought of booting them up. I think about some of the films I was keen to see some months ago and right now they look like noise, indistinct, boring to the point of textureless, falvourless null-space. I don’t mean to insult these works in any way at all, I’m not trying to diminish their value by saying by comparison to KRZ, they’re bad. Not at all. I don’t seem to be able to process them. The closest thing I can describe is the kind of mood disorders, dysthymia being one of them, doctors used to try and diagnose me with before they knew I was bipolar; a literal chemical barrier that’s preventing me from comprehending and interpreting the data I’m being presented with. I’ve lost hold of the cultural frame I’m supposed to have to understand how to place these objects in reference to my sense of entertainment and engagement.

So instead I come here and talk to myself with barely an objective in mind, other than to perhaps share my thoughts with you. And some music that I’m hoping you’ll buy. I know I’m a pain in the arse for that, and I know buying music is an immensely privileged thing to be able to do - I get it. You don’t have to buy everything right away, but if you want me to make a case for it, let me know and I will, I’ll even make a case for small steps i.e., even when you can’t afford much and how to spend a really tiny amount. Otherwise proceed as normal and click onto the next visual diary, nothing to see here.

#chrono #2020 #music #Jóhann Jóhannsson #Bill Hamel #Telefon Tel Aviv #Apparat #Andrew Bayer #Kentucky Route Zero #mental health #psychiatry #language #art worth living for #art worth dying for #Dreams Are Not Enough #writing about music

0 notes

nickireadstfc · 7 years

Text

The Raven King, Chapter 9 – Spooky Scary Bonding Times Send Shivers Down Your Spine

In which the monsters go costume shopping, Neil forces everyone to have Fun Squad Hangs, we learn Things™ about Matt and I start to realize Andrew cares about 24601% more than he’s trying to show.

Sounds good? Then it’s time for Nicki to read The Raven King.

Finally, the much needed breather chapter is here – it’s Halloween!

Our monster squad takes this as an opportunity to go hang out at everyone’s favourite Fun Drugs Party joint, commonly known as Eden’s Twilight. Before they can go, though, Nicky makes me relate to him yet again by doing something I’ve been doing for years – pressuring all my friends into Halloween costumes.

(And carnival, and cosplay, in my case.)

“You wouldn’t trust me to pick out your costume, would you? I’d probably make you a French maid or something.”

Except you’ve kind of picked out outfits for him in the past, for y’all’s club adventures, and you always picked clothes you thought he looked super hot in?

So basically, what this is trying to tell us is that Nicky has a drag kink.

Nice.

An animatronics raven flapped its wings and cawed at Neil as he approached. He pushed it to the back of the shelf and moved a glittery Styrofoam skull in front of it.

Bahahaha. This is such a tiny detail, but I love it.

You can never escape the ravens, Neil. N E V E R.

“People don’t really wear these, do they?” Neil asked and (…) pulled the next one off the rack. It was a milk carton with a cutout for the wearer’s face and a bold “Have you seen me?” printed beneath it.

“Oh, that’s perfect, Neil,” Andrew said. Neil sent him a dirty look.

PLEASE TELL ME THERE IS FANART OF THIS. I am in tears.

And next: Neil, my boy, my dude, my son – does this.

“We should invite the others to come with us,” Neil said.

FUCK. YEAH.

Neil starting to bring the team together!!! Everyone slowly bonding and becoming friends!!!!!! It’s the fuck happening!!!!!

I am so, so beyond here for this, have I mentioned that already?

“We need them,” Neil said, keeping his eyes on Andrew. “Talent alone won’t get us to semifinals. (…) You have to stop breaking this team in half.”

YOU TELL EM, MA BOY.

“I’m not asking you to be their friend,” Neil said. “I’m asking you to give an inch.”

“Give them an inch and they’ll take a mile,” Aaron said.

“You really think they’re strong enough to take a mile from Andrew? You think he’d let them?”

My dude has a point.

My dude has all the points, in fact.

GET YOUR ASSES TOGETHER EVERYONE, ALRIGHT.

Nicky, however, raises the fair argument of how they treated Matt last year, yet when Neil asks how exactly they treated Matt last year, Andrew tells him to ask the dude in question – and also agrees to let the rest of the Foxes join their Halloween extravaganza, which surprises everyone so much it ends the conversation.

Well. Best to tell Dan and the squad the good news immediately, no?

Dan stepped out into the hall with [Neil] and pulled the door closed behind her. (…) “We’ve got a visitor. He came by a little while ago looking for Andrew.

(…) This is Officer Higgins of the Oakland PD.”

Weeeeeeell shit. I knew that dubios phonecall thing was going to come around again.

Neil heard the doorknob creak in warning as Andrew twisted it further than it was meant to go. It was a startling giveaway considering Andrew’s wide smile and the breezy tone of his voice.

“Oh, I must be imagining things. Pig Higgins, you are a very, very long way from home.”

I knew it. That whole affair stinks. Andrew is not nearly as cool and chill about this whole situation as he pretends to be.

What is happening, I’m so intrigued by this.

“We were looking at the wrong person, weren’t we? (…) The other kids won’t speak up. They don’t trust me that much. You’re all I’ve got.”

That got Andrew’s attention. “Kids? Kids, plural. You only mentioned one last time, Pig. How many has she had?”

She? We were talking about one of his foster fathers last time – but Higgins said they looked in the wrong place.

A foster mother, then? And a fair amount of child abuse, as it seems. Once a-fucking-gain.

“How many kids, Pig?”

“Six, since you,” Higgins said.

Six instances of child abuse, then, probably seven including Andrew.

Hell to the fucking no. Andrew, you stubborn shit, help those kids.

Also, apparently the foster mom’s name is Drake. Probably a family name. Will keep that in mind.

After that conversation, Higgins leaves again before we can get any more interesting information. Ughhhh. Why must there be suspense, I need to know now.

“Why are the police looking for you?”

Andrew tilted his body towards her and smiled into her face. “I’m in no trouble, oh captain my captain.”

Alright, first he references Les Misérables and now Dead Poets’ Society – Andrew, stop being a goddamn nerd. <3

Neil then goes to do what he came to do in the first place, which is informing the squad of their incredibly luck of getting to hang out with the monsters on Halloween.

It goes about as expected – meaning, everyone’s mind as blown.

“How the hell did you talk Andrew into this?” Dan asked, staring at Neil.

“I asked,” Neil said.

Genius. Amazing. How has nobody had this idea before.

“He implied you were the harder party to convince,” Neil said.

Oh, yeah.

MATT BACKSTORY TIME, BABES.

Let me sum this up for you. Matt’s dad – asshole extraordinaire – got him into drugs, as he wanted his son to fit in with the rich kid party scene in New York. Matt tried getting clean, but was a wreck when he arrived at PSU, hiding from any party people who might tempt him again by camping out on the girls’ couch – which, might I add, is an adorable picture, no matter how angsty.

Andrew ‘King of Unorthodox Helping Methods’ Minyard saw how fucked up Matt was and promptly gave him speedballs INSERT WIKIPEDIA HERE, which are about one of the most fucked-up drugs you can have (it’s cocaine and heroin together and it kills people on the regular. Fun!). But plot twist! Turns out Andrew had done everything with Mommy Boyd’s permission and his plan succeeded in bringing Matt into rehab and back into a normal life.

I have………… so many questions. Also, respect for Andrew. Also, what the fuck??

Also, MATT MY SON LET ME PROTECT YOU WHAT THE HELL. <333

“I don’t know if they’ve talked to you about Aaron’s history, but you understand Andrew’s, don’t you? He’s not allowed to fight his addiction. Watching Matt struggle was very hard on them both.” (…)

Andrew said they’d picked up the [cracker dust] habit for Aaron’s sake. (…) Chances were cracker dust was a paltry substitute. Watch Matt crumble under temptation would have wrecked hell on Aaron’s own sobriety.

Neil was starting to rethink how apathetic Andrew was about Aaron’s life.

Are you telling me Andrew got them all into cracker dust just to protect Aaron while he worked on getting Matt clean?

And you’re telling me Andrew doesn’t care about anyone or anything?

Bull-fucking-shit.

Andrew, you seriously have so many problems and you are so problematic like 80% of the time but dude – I love you.

“What’d you guys get [for costumes], so we don’t double up on anything?”

“I’ll ask. I’m hoping Nicky was joking,” Neil said, getting to his feet. (…)

It turned out Nicky wasn’t joking, but at least a zombie cowboy was better than a milk carton or a cow.

NEIL THE ZOMBIE COWBOY.

Again, please tell me there is fanart of this. I NEED IT.

And before you know it – it’s Fun Bonding Party time!

Apparently, ‘party’ means a few hours of the most awkward social interaction ever – Aaron refusing to talk to anyone except his family, Andrew being annoyingly energetic and rude, and Nicky trying to make up for his asshole cousins by talking So Damn Much – but you know, it’s a start.

Kevin shifted in his seat enough to pull his hand in his pocket. The rattle of pills against plastic was so soft Neil might not have noticed it if not for Andrew’s reaction. (…)

“Don’t make me hurt you,” Andrew said. “I don’t want blood in my ice cream.”

Ah yes, thanks, I had momentarily forgotten how EXTRA Andrew is.

Kevin also finally solves the question of why he has Andrew’s pills when Andrew off his meds – it ensures Andrew won’t take them in the first flash of withdrawal. Alright. I would have expected some bigger explanation for some reason? Idk. Maybe there’s more here, maybe I’m just seeing things.

Onwards to more fun things – Betsy makes a surprise reappearance via text!

“Just Bee!” Andrew said. “Bee being stupid. Bee being, ha. Look.”

Andrew tossed Nicky his phone. Nicky took one look at the screen, laughed, and reached across Aaron to show Neil the phone. (…) It was a grainy picture of Betsy Dobson wearing a bee costume.

What level of PRECIOUS. I love this woman.

It turns out Andrew and Betsy are texting BFFs, which is something I absolutely did not see coming.

Apparently, Andrew likes her considerably more than Neil does.

“Andrew goes through shrinks like he’s trying to break a world record only he knows about. She’s his eighth one at least.”

“Thirteenth,” Andrew said. “She made sure to ask me if I was superstitious.”

Uhmmm precious.

“Some insane number. But when Andrew waltzed ut of her office at the end of his first session with her she was right on his heels and completely unfazed. Pretty impressive, right?”

“No,” Neil said.

Nicky sighed. “Eat your ice cream, jerk.”

Eat your ice cream and learn to start appreciating Bee Dobson for the gift to Foxkind that she is, jerk.

Time for a change in scenery – from Fun Ice Cream Times to Fun Club Times!

Seriously, this club does not get any less suspicious to me. I resent every time they go there. That first night has me pretty much scarred for life and I wasn’t even the one who was drugged and kiss-raped. How Neil is so ‘meh’ about going there again all the time is beyond me.

Then again, ‘meh’ just about describes Neil’s attitude towards most things that aren’t Exy or survival. So there’s that.

When they arrive, Dan – understandably – raises the question of whether or not it’s safe to let Andrew be clean for a night, to which Nicky has to say some things.

“Trust me, you’d know if he was clean. It’s, uh… (…) it’s unmistakable. You’ll see next summer whether you want to or not. He’s off his program in May and should finish rehab by the time we start June practices.”

This is the point where I wonder how long the AFTG books will stretch, time-wise. The first book started in May and ended in August, the second started in August and we’re now – halfway through the book – in November. If we keep up this pace, TRK should be finished around January/February and TKM should end just in June – meaning we will see Andrew off his meds probably?

HECK YES.

10 bucks says Andrew has to come off them for some reason earlier anyways. Don’t ask why. It just feels like it should happen, for suspense reasons or something.

And once everyone is settled in the club, most of them go dancing, having fun, doing normal people stuff – except for our favourite antisocial ‘Help I don’t know how to human’ dudes, who once more engage in an unexpected heart-to-heart.

“I’ve never been in a position where I could get to know people,” [Neil said.] “I know I have to let them in if we’re going to make it through the season, but it’d be easier if they were just names and faces. How have you stayed disconnected for so long?”

“They’re not interesting enough to keep my attention.”

Yeah, hi, this is Nicki speaking, is FUCKING BULLSHIT there, I’d like to call them?

Seriously. As if.

“What about Renee?”

“What about her?”

“She’s not interesting?”

“She’s useful.”

“That’s it?”

“You expected a different answer?”

Is Neil trying to slowly find out whether Andrew like-likes Renee or not because that may be a wonderful, wonderful thing.

Also, “she’s useful” for fuck’s sake, stop blowing holes in my platonic goalie BFFs ship.

“Yes? No? It should be – it is – irrelevant, but…” (…)

“Sometimes you’re interesting enough to keep around. Other times you’re so astoundingly stupid I can barely stand the sight of you.”

I’m interpreting that statement as either:

1) I’m gay, you fuckwit (most likely)

2) I’m interested in you, you fuckwit (probably not likely at this point in the story, not yet)

3) I’m ace and could really give less fucks about this whole dating shit, you fuckwit (an enjoyable headcanon, but unlikely as we know that Andreil is #endgame)

Neil scowled at him. “Forget it. I’ll ask Renee.”

“You’ll have to stop avoiding her first.”

Yes, please do. Preferably immediately, next chapter, get on it, chop chop.

I need more Renee content always.

[Neil] went alone to the railing overlooking the dance floor. (…) He had to trust that they were all there, safe and having fun. He was content to watch and imagine.

Lonely, too, but there was nothing he could do about that.

Except for, y’know……… Making friends…….. Having them teach you healthy social relationships…….. A wild concept, I know, but just consider it………….

Deep sigh.

If you like what I do here and you want to help me continue writing, please consider buying me a coffee! Thank you so much <3

#nicki reads tfc #tfc #trk #aftg #the raven king #the foxhole court #all for the game #nora sakavic #I'm a day late because I was busy yesterday wheeeee! soz #//hurls chapter @ you and leaves in a swoosh of cape

101 notes · View notes

berrysbestbloggityblog · 7 years

Text

13th February 2017- All for the Game series

Author: Nora Sakavic Genre: Thriller, sports, relationship Rating: This is the only series ever to challenge Harry Potter as my favourite. It is incredible Favourite Quote(s): (You should be lucky I narrowed it down to five) ‘Fight because you don’t know how to die quietly. Win because you don’t know how to lose.’ David Wymack, The King’s Men ‘Is your learning curve a horizontal line?’- Andrew Minyard, The King’s Men ‘I’ve been a problem for nineteen years. I’m too tired to be one tonight.’- Neil Josten, The King’s Men ‘Don’t look at me like that. I am not your answer, and you sure as fuck aren’t mine.’- Andrew Minyard, The King’s Men ‘I won’t be like them. I won’t let you let me be.’- Neil Josten/Andrew Minyard, The King’s Men

I’m going to warn you now, this is going to be long, and spoiler-y, and probably make little structural sense.

So I hate sports. Any kind of sport. I just about tolerate swimming, and never just doing lanes.

I would also probably sell a kidney to be able to play Exy.

This series, quite honestly, has changed my life (and not just about sport). It features; diversity, therapy, alcohol, abuse survivors of all kinds, not enough playing the actual sport, torture, the MobTM, extreme character development, my OTP and too many chess references.

I will start, quite appropriately, with Neil Abram Josten, the many named man. I will not lie and pretend that one of the main reasons I love this series is not because Neil is the first canon demisexual character I have ever read. As a demisexual, this representation was something I didn’t even know I had been craving until I got it. His character made me more secure in my identity; he meant that I wasn’t making it up, that I was real and valid and there wasn’t anything wrong with me. I wasn’t picky or just ‘hadn’t had enough alcohol yet’ (thanks mum); what I felt was different but it wasn’t bad. For all the demisexuals out there, Neil was a godsend.

(For clarification on Neil’s sexuality I recommend reading SpangleBangle’s one-shot ‘Swinging Along the Z Axis’ on Ao3.)

More than that, Neil’s character just broke my heart. He’s haunted and hunted and desperate not to let anyone else get caught in the crosshairs. He doesn’t always do the smart thing, but he does generally do the right thing, and never takes the easy way out. He’s scarred and easily triggered and in some ways damaged, at least when he first arrives at Palmetto, but never, ever broken. Not even Baltimore or Evermore could break Neil Josten and while he’s sometimes regarded in the fandom as the soft to Andrew’s sharp, you’ll never find the Foxes thinking that because Neil is sly and underhand and play’s dirty when someone he cares about is on the line. If Andrew had to be the one to cut the deal with Ichirou, he would never have gotten out of that car alive.

He asked Andrew TO HIS FACE why his ex thought Andrew was tying him up, and didn’t clock for a single second until Andrew literally told him he’d blow him. He asked Nicky if they were friends because he’d never had any before. He is about as quick to get a social cue as I am running. He is so respectful of Andrew’s boundaries even before he found out why, even before their deal. He left Andrew, a person whom nobody had ever admired, whom no-one had ever been grateful for despite Andrew giving up EVERYTHING for them, with “thank you, you were amazing” and figured that would be enough to cover the destruction his death would bring. He chose being tortured by Riko on the off-chance it might spare Andrew some pain, and he chose to be taken to quite literally his worst nightmare, giving up his life and his freedom and everything he’d managed to accomplish that year to keep his Foxes safe.

For the first canon demisexual, he’s certainly setting the bar high.

I’ll save Andrew for last, so let’s get on to the rest of the Foxes.

I’m quite sure I could write an essay on each of them (except maybe Seth. Sorry. I just. Hated that guy). For your sake I’m going to keep it short, but feel free to ask me for a full character eval I’ll be happy to do it.

Matt Boyd- Literal sunshine, saw actual homeless child Neil Josten and decided immediately he would die for him, half of the brOTP of the century, you just KNOW he’s so sweet and attentive and respectful of Dan because she’d never go out with him otherwise. He canonically has a white and orange themed wedding… I actually can’t. He didn’t blame the Monsters for forcing him to go full cold turkey even though he knew Andrew didn’t do it for him and he was ready to fight to keep Neil after Baltimore.

Dan Wilds- Absolute BAMF, can and will kick your ass, the only female captain in Class I Exy and she’s had an uphill battle on her shoulders for years before Neil or even Matt arrives at Palmetto. She has short hair and probably wear gym shorts 90% of the time but she’s still allowed to dress up without everyone being like ‘omg wow dan in a dress’ like it would be in any other book. She was a stripper and she owns it because it’s what she did to survive and it was selflessness not ignorance or anything else that’s stereotypically attributed to strippers, that drew her to it.

Renee Walker- Basically a flower, if it was a flower that could also slit you from neck to gut and plaster on a serene smile a second later, she’s an accepting Christian who isn’t gay herself (*cough* EXTREME RENISON SUBTEXT THO *cough*), she’s working her way through her trauma in a way that is healthy, she wants to put her past behind her but she’ll bring it out to protect/help her friends. She’s the only person that stays with Andrew without some kind of deal between them and she doesn’t do it out of pity.

Allison Reynolds- will slay anybody with her look, refuses to let her grief break her, came through being cut off by her family for not being picture perfect and an eating disorder with confidence and grace and sass. She’s brutally honest in a refreshing way and I think that post King’s Men, with all the secrets out of the way, her and Neil can become much closer.

Aaron Minyard- oh he’s an asshat but he still wheedles his way into your heart. He loves Katelyn more than he probably thought possible, and he’s so snarky I love it. He also killed Drake despite training to be a doctor which I think is something everyone always forgets. I think the thing that annoys me the most about him is not that he’s mean to everybody but that he doesn’t even try to understand Andrew; he just immediately blames him and hates him but not enough to let Andrew go.

Nicky Hemmick- ‘let’s get this straight: I’m not’, nobody really talks about how horrific his childhood being raised in such a homophobic household did to him. They sent him to CONVERSION CAMP and only falling in love with Erik managed to save him from that dark place. His parents refuse to love him on account of his sexuality and then they manipulate him in order to set up Andrew for rape. Obviously it’s Andrew who gets hurt the most here (well I mean Drake dies but like that’s a good thing) but Nicky, like Neil, has to live with that guilt for the rest of his life. He’s a constant ray of positivity despite everything, despite his cousins never thanking him for doing this long-distance mess from his home just to be there for them.

Kevin Day- oh Kevin, Kevin, Kevin. Kevin comes perhaps the farthest of all the foxes over the course of the series and it makes me feel so proud. I screamed in delight and had to put the book down to do a little victory dance when he got his Queen tattoo. I worry sincerely about his liver. He’s a sad little history nerd who has made Exy his LifeTM and an actual asshat on the court. Probably about as good as Neil at knowing how to make friends and he shows he cares through Exy references only but I still love my toll bean.

Ok. Deep breaths. We’re onto Andrew.

Sometimes I think about his character and it just makes me tear up slightly? He’s an apathetic shitty midget who hates Neil and sits on tall buildings because he’s scared of heights for the AestheticTM. Basically everyone on this Exy team is some shade of LGBT+ and yet there’s no similarities between how they express their sexualities. Andrew is gay and a sexual abuse survivor and a foster kid and ex-juvie, but he’s not stereotyped into any of the boxes any other series would put him in.

I know too many people who have been sexually abused. Any other time that I’ve read a book where someone was sexually abused it was either liberally ignored/easily overcome or the person was driven to committing suicide. Neither is particularly helpful to survivors in my opinion, not that I am any kind of expert, and therefore Andrew’s story blew my mind. Andrew is never going to ‘go back to normal’. He is always going to have boundaries and yes or nos and triggers. He is never going to smile often or take Neil off on romantic dates or care about more than his minimum. And that, that is ok. There is no checklist for trauma survivors that they have to work through to be counted as better. Even more brilliant than Nora allowing Andrew to be changed permanently by his trauma, is the way he has an active and encouraged approach to his own recovery. His relationship with Bee is something I truly treasure. I am lucky enough to have not ever gone through something similar to Andrew, but that doesn’t mean I can’t be extremely happy that other people have that representation. Recovery is a slow process, with setbacks and bad days, which is also shown in this series, but it’s possible.

I like that Andrew didn’t always somehow magically know to go and get therapy. He survived Drake through self-harm and while he doesn’t encourage it, which is good, he also doesn’t completely demonise it like some people do. I will be the last person to condone harming yourself, but wanting to be able to make choices in an otherwise choice-less situation is completely understandable.

Proust trying to ruin his scars makes me want to vomit.

He was put on meds after he attacked some men for attacking his cousin and everyone thinks he’s dangerous? And manic? And out of control? Neil is perhaps the first person Andrew lets in enough to understand that everything Andrew does has a reason, and while it’s not always a good one it is also never a selfish one. Their relationship was a trust-build for two and a half books and it makes it so much more powerful. By the time they progress to anything physical, they’re already tied by something unbreakable, not that Andrew’s likely to admit it any time soon.

This is already like five pages long oops so I’m going to round off now.

This series made me laugh, and cry, and I quite literally screamed into my pillow when Andrew finally kissed Neil but I think most importantly it opened my eyes to lots of previously not-thought-about topics and I’m a better person for having read it.

z��_�

#the foxhole court #all for the game #the raven king #the king's men #books #my review #nora sakavic

4 notes · View notes

george-divel · 6 years

Link

The Ravens have some pretty clearly defined needs and spots that could definitely use some touching up. I like our chances at actually be a competitor next year and i want to do a deep dive into our off-season outlook.Expiring contractsTo start, lets look at who we are potentially losing.Mike Wallace (5.75m)Ben Watson (3.5m)Ryan Jensen (1.8m)Terrance West (1.8m)James Hurst (1.2m)Michael Campenero (1.2m)After these losses the Ravens will have about 11m left in cap room. That is assuming we dont retain any of them and we tender Alex Collins. Now to get a little more flexibility.....Possible CutsBrandon Carr- Seems very likely, with our depth at CB, his performance late into this season and the fact that his cut would add 4 million to our cap space.Ill move along the rest of the offseason as if we only cut carr and ill give us some room to say we cut one of the guys mentioned below; I could also see us moving on from... Austin Howard (3m gain), Webb (1.7m gain), Jeremy Maclin (5m Gain).Free AgencySo now with around 15m in cap space its time to start looking at possible additions.We have a lot of needs but I think the biggest is WR, TE, OL, ILB, DL and QB. So a look at our FA options for each spot.QBObviously the Ravens arent looking for a high price guy, but even past that Mallett's contract is up and we could be looking at a cheaper option to back up Flacco and maybe give him competition. I do think this is something we address in the middle rounds of the draft but no sense in not looking here.Drew Stanton- Stanton is a career backup with some experience and overall pretty below average play. His price could become decently expensive just because teams are more and more looking for a consistent back up.Tyler Bray- The big arm former chief enamored scouts before the draft with his arm strength but it never really materialized in the NFL, I could see us taking a flyer on him for >1m.Colin Kaepernick- We could be looking at a guy here for way under value, because the interest is down and because he hasnt played in a year we could be looking at a value pick up top compete with Falcco. im thinking 2-3m.WRArguably our biggest need headed into the spring with the questions surrounding Wallace and if he will stay with us. this could definitely be a position we address not only in Free Agency, but also the draft.Allen Robinson- I think this could be our biggest addition, he could drop in value after a sub-par 2016 and a torn ACL in week one of 2017, but he has a ton of talent. If people focus around Jarvis Landry or Sammy Watkins I could see us sweeping up Robinson for 6.5-8.5m/yr.Brian Quick- A big body WR that Joe loves and could be a poor mans Boldin for us. he has a lot of the same traits and i think he could be valued around 2-3mKaelin Clay- This Panthers' WR made a couple of small waves late in the season becoming one of Cam's best targets and I could see him replacing Camp as he has been with us before.Donte Moncrief- another big body WR that I think could fit Joe, he's has a down year without Luck, but I think there is still talent there and we could grab him around 4-5mTEOne of Joe's favorite weapons on the field and losing Watson will hurt us. He needs to be replaced somehow and I dont think Nick Boyle or Maxx Williams can bee counted on quite yet.Trey Burton- The Eagles back up to Zach Ertz has shown some great flashes when being out there to replace the injured Ertz. He is a really solid receiver and one I would be really excited to get if we could get him for under 4.5mAnthony Fasano- the veteran journeyman could be a good option for the Ravens as he provides a good blocker and is pretty good around the goal line. his price tag would probably be close to 2m.Luke Willson- Could be a good option with Boyle because they are so vastly different, he is one of the fastest TEs in the NFL, but his blocking leaves something to be desired.OLOverall a really poor OL class in free agency, the Ravens will probably still find a few pieces to go after.Andrew Norwell- A guard from Carolina, Norwell had a great 2015 season and has been up and down since failing to find consistent play, but not being horrible. I could see the Ravens being interested in a 2.5-3.5m pice tag.Joe Berger- Could be a great replacement for Jensen, Berger was an amazing player in 2015 dropped off slightly and then was pretty much replace by Pat Eflin in 2017. But I really like Berger as an undervalued inside lineman.Donald Stephenson- Pretty gifted tackle that has never put it together for Denver and has put together bad season with some flashes and I could see him being a decent back up for us. Maybe a James Hurst replacement.DLAlthough not a huge need for the Ravens, I would rather not have Carl davis and Willie Henry get as many snaps as they did last season and we could definitely use some more depth. Especially with how good this DL class is.Haloti Ngata- Yes, Ngata is a free agent this season and I see a lot of reason to bring back the veteran, he would play Carl Davis' role and if we could get him for cheap (2.5-3m) Haloti might be back in purple.Tom Johnson- Another former Viking, Tom Johnson is a guy who has a quietly great season for Minnesota, but with their absurd depth at DL I could see him become available. With the names available in the FA class (Poe, Louteliei, Ansah, Clayborn, Peppers) I could see his price dropping below value and he could be a really good pickup for Baltimore.Sheldon Richardson- This one would cost us but if we wanted to have a real terrifying defense, it could be a good pickup, Richardson is young and a great pass rusher at the interior defensive line spot. The only hope if that the other DL in this class push his price down.ILBChances are we address this in free agency, and chances are we would look for a run stopper because they are cheaper in today's game and would be good next to Mosely.Paul Pozluzny- Poz is a Daryl Smith type signing, but probably with a higher price tag. He is a perfect complement to Mosely and probably would be priced around 5mNavarro Bowman- One of my favorite free agents this season, Bowman has never been much a coverage option but alsways great against the run. His price has a very wide range, he wasnt amazing last season for Oakland but by no means was bad. My guess is he falls around a 6-7m price tag anything cheaper I would pull the trigger.Terrance Garvin- A hometown guy who started for Seattle last season could be a good option eve if we signed one of the 2 above or drafted a ILB. probably a 1-2m price tag.DRAFTThe Draft will be a big point this offseason for the Ravens, more so than years past because we have so many veterans and so many spots that could use some depth. Obviously its really hard to pinpoint where guys will go before even the end of the college season but ill try and mention some guys id like to see the Ravens make a play for.QBWith one of the best QB classes we have ever seen I dont think the Ravens flirt with the idea until late round 3. And thats at the absolute earliest.Luke Falk- With so many options at QB, I could see all the QB needy teams get their guy before Falk and he could teh odd man out and maybe fall to the late 3rd or 4th. If its not him I could see the Baltimore targeting whoever is the odd man out of the stacked QB class.Quinton Flowers- The Ravens love these type of guys, Troy Smith, Keenan Reynolds, or Kenneth Dixon. Guys that made waves in the college game but for whatever reason arent appreciated by the NFL. Flowers could be an exciting young QB that the Ravens want.WRThis is a position that the Ravens need to look at early and often. We need a consistent WR out of this class.James Washington- The big play threat from Oklahoma St. is a average size decently fast weapon that can just be an okay target. I would look at him more as a 2nd round option rather than a 1st round one but nonetheless a good receiver.Calvin Ridley- In our dreamsDeon Cain- Another Clemson product with all the skills one could ask for. I really like him if he is available at any point past the 2nd.Hunter Renfrow- The walk-on has quietly turned into a solid late round prospect, really good hands and could be exactly the weapon Joe needs. Eric Decker and Boldin come to mind with him.Arden Tate- a big body WR with such obvious comparison to Alshon Jeffery is a great 2nd round option for Baltimore.Courtland Sutton- a 1st round talent, where if he drops could be a great value, he has all the tools and the type to fight for the football until the play is over, this kid has star written all over him.TEHavent looked too much into the TEs this draft but one really stands out as a threat for a while to come in the NFL.Mark Andrews- The big body Oklahoma TE is exactly the type of weapon i want fro Joe. Sure handed and a big target, really good route runner too. If he drops to the 2nd round look for him to be Raven.OLThis is where I think the ravens go in the 1st round. This is a pretty good class for OL and the Ravens can take advantage of that.Orlando Brown- This guy drops to us and I dont think we hesitate, the technique is there, he might not be the most athletic tackle in the class though. He could start out at guard for us, Lewis at RT if we need to or he could play RT, either way we are not gonna force him into a LT spot which would be scary for him.Isiah Wynn- A versatile OL from Georgia, this guy is fast and has played every lineman spot for Georgia, I could see him dropping due to his size but he could be a good steal late.Desmond Harrison- Off the field issues shoud drop him past the 1st maybe past the 2nd. But this guy has all the size and all the tools to be really good in this league. he was kicked off of texas for failed drug tests and excelled at west georgia. If he is available in the 3rd I would love this pick.Quenten Nelson- A guard from Notre Dame is a good piece for Baltimore if we can get him. This move could replace Jensen really well and Nelson reminds me of former fighting Irishman Zach Martin with his type of mauling blocking.Sean Welsh- a lighter more fast guard from iowa that could eventually progress into a tackle. I like his versatility but his size is a worry.DLMarcus Davenport- A big DL that could add to or replace a piece in the rotation of Davis and Henry. Davenport is a small school DLineman with a lot of height at 6'7.Josh Sweat- The FSU pass rusher had a tough year in 2017 with just no production but he had a lot of promise coming into the year. This guy could be a flop or a steal and i dont see much in between.ILBRoquan Smith- In our dreamsMalik Jefferson- A Texas ILB that I have liked for a while. He has good athleticism and size and i might be missing any issue on the kid because he is a projected 3rd rounder but I would happy with him as a 2nd round pick.Kendall Joseph- At best Joseph is Deion Jones of Atlanta, at worst he doesnt use his speed well and ends up as a Kwon Alexander of NYJ and can never tackle. But one thing is for sure the guy is fast as a LB can be.Anyway, those are a lot of my thoughts for the offseason, ill probably make more of these throughout the offseason, but those are some guys in free agency and the draft id like to see the ravens target. Thanks for reading! via /r/ravens

#Ravens #Divel

0 notes