#I may just be severely mentally ill

[ghostb0o]

I've been seeing people say people here are being more optimistic about the state of the qsmp

Bitch wh e re

On a more serious note I have so much empathy for quackity rn. Irl I recently just had had a community event I was helping plan ("helping", it was mostly me :///) fall through and it fuckin SUCKED. Similarly enough it was due to me naively trusting people to do their jobs without 247 oversight. Thankfully it was just group project shenanigans and not like financial embezzlement or whatever the hell is happening over there. I felt and feel like a shit failure for my thing and I don't even have masses of people on Twitter to deal with so I respect the guy a lot for not imploding and booking a trip to Niagara

#I may just be severely mentally ill #but for real I need to tune out qsmp stuff for the time being cause this situation is so upsetting and discouraging to see #such a cool project falling apart so soon after a project I was involved in had #Both of which i was really passionate about #its disheartening too because my confidence in myself and my ability to get shit done has tanked #and I get to see this and be like “this is what could happen if you ever shoot for something bigger. dont do it :)” #Again I may just be severely mentally ill #and grasping onto whatever can make me feel worse about my abilities #I dont wanna say I feel horrible for the guy because of the business side of things that I dont understand but I do #the dissapointment is palpable #It might ruin some friendships too ayy just like my thing ayyy #cw dark humor #cw negativity #qsmp neg #<- for blocklists. I really hope that tag doesn't attract weird people

[not-poignant]

Jesus H Christopher, Pia. Your writing load is insane.

Maybe you should cut back on how many chapters you release for certain stories? Like Stain and Palma (since these stories dont equal income) until UtB the other Underline stories are almost done. Just a thought

Because I feel burnt out just by thinking of writing that much, so I can only imagine how you feel. Please take care of yourself

Hi anon,

TL;DR: My brain is stupid, which is why I can't do this, even though it makes sense and is logical.

Unfortunately the fanfiction is what often makes the original fiction possible, or more enjoyable.

If I lock myself down into too much schedule and rigidity, or if I only focus on writing for money, I actually start to hate writing, even if I love the stories. There is nothing like 'will this earn money, do people like this, would people pay, what if they all decide to stop paying for this, why would they pay for this, would I pay for this, how much would people pay for this, is there any incentive for them to pay for this, actually if I wrote a ton of different tropes maybe I'd make more for this, but that's depressing, but I need the money, shit what do I do, what if I lose my income, what if it all stops tomorrow, I need to write more, I need to write more, I need to write more' that is actually very exhausting and makes writing not much fun at all.

And to deliberately break out of that headspace as much as possible, I write fanfiction. Because that headspace (the one I wrote about above), on its own, even if I'm only writing two stories, can and has led to burnout and depressive episodes. I don't recommend it.

In a way, one of the reasons I can write so many stories right now (ADHD meds aside) is that I am letting myself break out and just have fun with fanfiction, and remember that my original writing is meant to be fun too. But without fanfiction, I lose sight of that very quickly.

Fanfiction means that when an original story chapter does super badly, generally there are still excited comments elsewhere that keep me going. That's how I survived The Ice Plague, and that story would never have been completed without fanfiction, because that was my worst performer of any story I've ever written. It also means if a lot of subscribers leave at once, I don't feel like The Worst Writer In The World. So having fanfiction behind me was like...a literal safety net or my security blanket.

If I have to discard my security blankets or use them less often in order to keep writing the original stuff, I might as well just stop entirely, because my longest hiatuses from Patreon (i.e. one lasted 1.5 years, many have lasted 4-6 months) have been when I'm mostly just writing original fiction, and am not writing much fanfiction, or not deliberately finding time for it, and finally get so stressed out re: money I literally have to stop. I'm on a (partial) Disability Pension.

A long time ago some professional people told me I probably shouldn't be working at all because of my mental illnesses and then paid me money because of the severity of those mental illnesses. My dumbass brain be pretty fragile, actually, and keeps chugging away because I make bad business decisions and write stuff I enjoy instead of writing to market, or doing rapid release, or releasing more novels (or novels). Writing does ironically help when I'm stressed, but not when I'm stressed about making money because of writing.

I will cut at my income before I cut at my love of this job, and unfortunately fanfiction keeps me going in this job, which means I can't really cut at that first.

(Also from a business perspective, it's actually a very good funnel to the original stuff and then subscription. Most of you wouldn't be here if you hadn't read one of my fanfics first and then gave the original stuff a try - I try not to think about that too much because I need fanfic to not be about money, but the fact is, I would not have this career without fanfic).

I do have plans to take two weeks off in January from posting chapters (I can still post rewards in the second half of January) and that's not too far away.

And the reality is that I probably would have kept going okay if real life hadn't imploded on top of everything like the world's worst bukkake party.

#asks and answers #personal #pia on writing #i am not a smart business owner #i'm an emotional fragile mentally ill one #who has to make decisions that keep me wanting to do this job #because at the end of the day #my severe treatment-resistant mental illnesses #do not do well with the pressure of making money #and feeling like a failure #so i need to actually do things that aren't about money at all #to remind myself that i don't need to have a breakdown #over never making a minimum wage #(i'm getting closer though which is probably why this burnout came on) #(i've been pushing a lot harder than normal because... well... i'd like to make #an average income one day) #(i may not be smart enough or well enough to do that) #(but i will keep trying) #i just have to keep trying as someone with a very broken mind #who copes with that brokenness through working hard #breaks are stressful and i have to think hard about what's best

[icewindandboringhorror]

a quite simple outfit, trying to use the little blue and white apron thing (which is actually a dress I think, that I just leave un-buttoned in the back and added an apron-like tie to lol)

#self #mori kei #jfashion #NOT really but like.. it's.. adjacent I guess.. forgive me .. I may try using tags again though I kind of got out of the habit ghhj #I need to be... Seen to some degree. I want to start selling clothes and sculptures again to recoup the costs of having to euthanize my cat #and stuff . but that won't be very successful if I have like.. 15 people to sell to lol... #the eternal Hermit Conflict where you hate attention and Being Percieved in general yet in todays capitalist society it is nearly #a necessity to have some form of social network or media presence especially in creative fields. etc. etc. ... kicking screaming wailing #sobbing so on and so forth.. tearfully punching the cold mossy stone walls of my evil wizard tower... #I was also thinking of maybe opening a few sculpture commission slots and maybe Tumblr Blazing that post or something #but.. again.... sobbing crying interacting with the general public oughhf ouuch -500 HP #why can't I just be approached by some wealthy 65 year old woman who is nonsensically infatuated with my art for no #reason and gives me like $10.000 a week for food and art supplies and etc. and I can go fuck off into a cabin in the middle of nowhere #in the uk and just be left alone to work on my projects without even needing to build any form of connections or social presence because I' #already set for life and can just get funding and connections whenever lol.. WHICH not to be ungrateful like obviously I still appreciate #anyone who follows and interacts with my posts. I dont mean it in a 'grrr fuck all of you imbeciles I wish I could delete my blog!!!' or #whatever hhjkjk.. I just mean it more in a like.. I am very socially inept and my mental illness gives me severe social issues so any situ #tion where I'm expected to self promote or network or interact with others generally is nightmarish and stressful for many many reasons #and if I could somehow skip that part and just go straight to being a famous author or somethin.. that would be cool. Which I know EVERYONE #hates networking and stuff but I mean like.. on a level most people could not possibly comprehend.. I am not just an 'introvert'. I am like #doctors declare me incapable of functioning in general society very poor mental health prognosis probably should have a caretaker at #some point type Hermit lol.. ANYWAY ghbhj... alas.. I also feel weird about the sculptures in terms of what to charge for them #and always have which is part of why I stopped selling them. If I charged a fair even like $15 an hour many of them would be like #close to $150+. and nobody is going to pay that for a decoration. that doesn't even factor in like.. supplies or time spent communicating/s #etching the concept (if a commission) etc. etc. I thought it'd be better to just auction them then and let people pay what they want inst #d of a set price but etsy doesnt allow auctions and is it weird to just.. link people to an Art Ebay or something lol.. #AAAANYWAY.. the outfit.. I still love these shoes. they're nice and a little Older Style looking. always into pastel florals too lol #(everything is thrifted as usual. excited about the shirt because it's so puffy! it was in the halloween section though ghjhj.. like when i #s october and they make the special aisle in goodwill for 'Costume' clothes even though theyre all just normal stuff I would wear ghg)

[writeouswriter]

Hmm brain just conjured up another fictional little guy; at this rate, I am eventually going to run out of room to accommodate all of these fictional little guys, they will have to find a motel or something

#writing #writeblr #writer things #his name is tommy because that is the first name that came to my head #dark curly hair tanned skin hooked nose and dimples and dark eyes #an easygoingness and just genuine passion about him that's contagious #he may be a mechanic and wears loose oversize clothing a too long red button up with the sleeves rolled up #he smokes more out of habit and boredom than wanting to do it he hates it #he's got that classic awkward nerdy but strangely appealing best friend in a movie or show kind of vibe to him #except instead of being in that standard best friend role he is currently trying to usurp the role of love interest in my mind in the vague #new wip i had been thinking about making #though maybe i should make a new wip as this other wip is already new and has different vibes but... #i have made three new wips in the span of the last few days i am not making another i am not i am not #shoe meet horn #he's also mentally ill and the narrative is going to be f*cking normal about it #alright maybe i'll make a new wip #god am i going to make a new wip #my other brand new characters staring at me as i barely even got them off the ground yet like really come on dude #but don't worry oh god I remembered a 4th wip from the past two weeks don't worry bennett i haven't forgotten you #and the several hundred others up there #hmmm thinking about tossing him into a scifi #yes he looks suspiciously similar to some of my other ocs but different maybe i'm pulling a t*m b*rton #and hiring the same actor for all my movies

[kaeyaphile]

if anyone knows anything re: filing for disability (or whatever the proper term is) in the usa i’d appreciate any help or advice because i just got fired from my job and it has gotten to the point that i think i am way too chronically ill to work for the time being and i honestly have no idea what to do

#kayleigh.txt #i have an appointment with my rheumatologist on halloween so i may just wait and ask her honestly #but like. i have been severely depressed and stressed for months and it is taking an astronomical toll on both my physical and mental health #and now i have been fired which. is making everything so much worse #because stress + chronic illnesses = death basically especially in my case #i plan on reapplying to the job i just got fired from once i’ve gotten shit under control #but it has been a downhill spiral all year and i genuinely want to die lmfao #definitely do not want to be on disability permanently but i need SOME form of income while we figure out actual treatment plans

[gassybots]

I really do wonder if anyones made fetish content with a bloated engie, i can't be the only one who wants to see him like this

#I'm severely mentally ill #i just want this good ol texan boy to be stuffed bloated and belching IS THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK 😩 #i may need to make it all myself which is what I had to do with saltbaker #he was easier to draw tho #suede.txt

[nostalgia-tblr]

I had another fic idea and the brain was like "no, that's too fluffy and romantic and YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO WRITE NICE THINGS, PEOPLE WOULD JUDGE YOU" but then I went "but what if it was kind of... comedy fluff?" and brain went "...yeah, okay, if you really must." Which I fucking HATE! Why can't I write nice things, brain?! Everyone else is allowed to! FFS, it's fanfiction, it doesn't have to be ~deep~ or any of that shit!

This has actually been a bit of an issue when I'm trying to write The WIP because while I told myself yeah sure go ahead and write the massively self-indulgent epically long (by my own odd standards) fic but still sometimes I get stuck because I'm not "allowed" to write something that appeals to me and my own sometimes niche interests??

Like angst I can do because that's "proper" somehow? WTF is that about? It's not proper! It's still daft! And comedy I'm allowed because I dunno apparently if it will make someone laugh that means it has "value"? It's very annoying, I don't like it.

Do other people have this? How do you deal with it? You'd think after all this time I'd be okay with writing any old shit that I want to. If anything it might be worse now. I remember years ago I could tell myself "Look, if you've spelled most of it correctly then it's already in like the better half of all the fanfic on the internet" which isn't really TRUE but I could go along with that and let myself write whatever-the-fuck I wanted to.

You know how many of us go "I'll write this fucked up thing... but I'll post it as Anon"? I get that with fluffy fic ideas as well. Or with things that are "too shippy" (WTF?) It's just such a stupid and weird form of self-criticism and it bothers me a lot.

#ranting at myself #writing stuff #possibly this is a mental illness thing but i don't think it is but it might be? #i am Quite Mad but it usually manifests related to fic as the usual “you suck!!” or irritating OCD things about wordcounts or such #this is a VERY SPECIFIC thing and i don't even know where it came from? #maybe i'm just pretentious? do i look pretentious? i might be? #(the fluffy thing was sylki fic where spinning off on the 'oh no unable to express feelings!' they have to pass each other notes) #(the comedy element was that this is Bloody Stupid and also Mobius attempts to Help (oh no) and etc) #(will i ever be able/“allowed” to actually write that thing? dunno!) #the Frigga thing also suffers from “that bit is despicably adorable you should be ASHAMED of yourself” #.The WIP? currently stuck at “okay now he needs to Hold The Baby. this is an important bit you can't skip it. but babies are Too Twee” #“so you may NOT just write someone Holding The Baby because that's like something people might actually want to read!” #“the murders are fine you can write murders. murder isn't twee. babies are VERY twee though.” #PROBLEM: there are several babies in this fic and the next chapter is like... ENTIRELY baby-based #(the end of the entire fic is already written and it's Too Twee as well but i've kind of gone immune to that because it's existed a while) #(oh no did i just spoiler a Happy Ending?!) #(SPOILER: kind of. it depends who you backed in this race and whether you wanted them to Become Better People) #anyway am gonna post this now before i change my mind as i probably should #fic related

[elytrafemme]

top 10 funniest mental illness bits in my life is getting into arguments with my therapist repeatedly over not getting a diagnosis for something debilitating me and then going to college and taking an online test (with her encouragement, and on a zoom call WITH HER talking over every question and its accuracy to the condition etc) that says You kind of have this condition. and she was like yeah you might have tendencies. and despite literally insulting her over this very topic before i just go Oh okay that makes sense ^_^ and then i no longer believe i have these tendencies at all. girl WHAT ?

#nightmare.personal #Carriers of mare lore may recognize this is about the BPD thing #we took a test and it was like yeah you deffo have parts of this but NOT diagnostic enough #and i guess college just completely flipped my perspective because i just did naurt care #but at the same time Im now like lowkey convinced i dont have any symptoms but we did prove that i had that #like we did take a test together and she told me her direct input. So um. Win! #this is what im telling y'all my mental illness symptoms do NOTTTT fucking last #did we not talk abt this when i had a system and i was like These bitches r going to leave me THEN THEY DID ? #like my ass cannot keep a mental illness & ik im healing rn but i cant tell if im also like. Severely in denial. #also just found out my family might have bipolar tendencies DOES NOBODY TELL ME ANYTHING HERE #my brother........ like hey this kind of explains prom 2022 No worries if not though. im going to chew on that man

[direful]

no loan and it’s saying i’m still months out this is ridiculous

it cannot possibly take people 2 full weeks to listen to a 15 hour book that’s fucking nothing dog I crush 30+ hour audiobooks with time to spare it’s just the silmarillion and there’s multiple copies in circulation Where Is My Book

#I have been waiting since april. #TO BE CLEAR. I own several paper copies of the silm I just want to listen to the audiobook on my walk to/from work #may have to yo ho ho this one unfortunately I need to go silm insane it’s been a couple years & the mental illness is wearing off #hurgle hurgle

[chaiaurchaandni]

my brain after making me engage in excessive and life-altering acts of self-sabotage: this is what we call self-care darling mwah 😘😘😘😘😘😘😘😘😘

#me after spending the entire summer in my bed doing absolutely nothing #i think i may have several mental illnesses #therapy is for rich people and losers and I'm neither wohoo guess ill just talk shit on the internet until i get banned #almost made a side blog to talk and vent ab my mental health struggles but then i was like #why should i hide my messed up brain from you guys #self sabotage

[vzajemnik]

looking at pics of myself from a year ago makes me so sad lol

#🗞️ #the cissona was real ....... #but like. you can be trapped in a cissona but you can make the cissona gay. somehow ive straightened myself out to a point of where+ #my new friends seeing those pictures of me r like thats not u that person is literally straighter than me (i dont have many queer friends-_ #& im like. 😬😬hahaaa....... #i wanted to say idk why i even trapped myself like that but i was literally helplessly in love with a straight dude #to whom i was just the other woman #& i wanted him to just bear my existence bc we didnt click at all. so i wanted to be as attractive as possible to him. #STUPID!!!!!!!!!!!!!! #and also my inner monologue looked like. i know i could be happier but id rather be a fraud and attractive than true to myself & ugly. girl #me 2021-2022 get help......... what even is that mentality............. #anyway now im better i think. its a recent development i literally stopped going after straight guys at the end of may. so. #then i read stone butch blues and now here we are. very confused but at the end of the day. the cissona is gone #if im being honest im scared ill bump into that guy bc of whom i developed this severe of a cissona bc although its been a year since #we havent seen each other. im still so down bad. we havent talked in a year and a half💀 #and ill put on the cissona again #ahnywayz hope you all are having a good night

[the-official-account]

My obworbo.... @deathbydyingpod

[ID: a digital painting of the obituary writer standing in a small kitchen. He faces away from the viewer, but turns to look back over his shoulder as one hand rests on the open door of the fridge in front of him, and the other is half raised, implying motion. He wears a white button up shirt and blue pants, and has his black hair shaved on the sides, top slicked back. He is surrounded by three cats, a black and white one asleep on a Persian rug, a orange one crawling up OW's legs, and a brown on resting on his shoulder. In the fridge is a gallon of milk, a cartoon of something, a heart submerged in liquid in a jar, a plastic box of greens, a beefsteak tomato, and an individually wrapped banana labeled "bogo". From the left side, orange light fulls the dim kitchen. End ID]

#hope you dont mind the taaaag im fairly sure this is a normal interaction to have but nobody ever gave me the rulebook #obituary writer #MY BELOVED HE'S A WIERD LITTLE FUCKER AND I RESPECT THAT #bogo banana was very funny to me. #i just have the mental image of charlotte raiding his fridge being like ''oh your almost out of bananas'' #and hes like ''no i have one right there'' #''yeah but only one'' #''Ive had it for months ill be fine'' #which may be ooc i binged this show very fast but either way its been sending me at random moments for several hours #edil draws

[celepeace]

There's this weird thought I see pervading some leftist spaces that mental illnesses are only ever the result of living environment/capitalism (e.g. treatment resistant depression doesn't exist, you just live a life that causes depression that isn't fixed by treatments; SAD doesn't exist, your job just takes up all your daylight hours) and while these things are certainly true for some people it really seems like another example of people being completely unable to comprehend nuance. Or perhaps propagating half-truths to further their cause, which is really common in both right- and left-wing spaces.

Like it sucks but even if all of someone's material needs are met and they live a life that in all regards should be making them happy, some people will still be mentally ill. Treatment-resistant depression is real. SAD is real. ADHD is real. I have two of those things and I'd still have those things literally no matter the circumstance I was in. Reducing disabilities to political rhetoric is kind of an asshole thing to do, especially when you're just blatantly spreading falsehoods about them.

#also SAD can be in the other direction and make people depressed in the summer #which kind of blows a massive hole in that theory by itself #and before anyone says ''i think they weren't saying EVERYONE with those things only have it cause of capitalism'' #i have in fact seen people say that those diagnoses only exist bc of capitalism #i think what happened was like. they saw ppl talking about how living environment can cause x mental illness (true) #and how you can't always help your living environment due to things like living paycheck to paycheck (true) #and concluded that those mental illnesses must then only ever be caused by that (patently false) #also hate the ''adhd isn't a disability we just live in a society that makes it into a disability'' #like that may be true for you personally but my adhd would be and is quite literally extremely disabling in pretty much every environment #i cannot pay attention to someone speaking to me for more than 3 seconds and my short term memory is SEVERELY impaired #among other problems that would apply equally if i lived my current life vs if i lived 200000 years ago

[ohitslen]

Confession time: I’m just at chapter three of Trigun, the first volume OANSNKW

I meAN, I’ve been meaning to read forward, but I know it’ll leave a gaping hole inside my heart and I need to FUNCTION you know, I have to pull the last push of the semester and Trigun is already occupying too much of my mind, can’t imagine what will happen once I read the manga. So that is that.

#trigun maximum #Trigun #trigun manga #honestly though I have the sht spoiled out of myself so um yeah #in a banana fish way yk #like I know some key points but not the plot plot entirely #which will hit me like a truck I know it #I REALLY want to read it but I’m too mentally ill to just read it casually #so yeah this means I’ll only be able to indulge it fully till the end of may when my semester ends #I’m really that useless at enjoying stuff and being functional at the same time #to be fair I do have adhd with a severe executive dysfunction and my hyperfixations get bad #so really restraining myself so far is an accomplishment of it own #lenssi rambles

[schwazombie]

On the one hand, I'm glad my psychiatrist is fucking awesome enough that she believed me when I said none of the meds I was taking worked and got me in on a blood test to figure out wtf was up -- turns out I'm biologically interesting so a lot of meds don't work on me because my body breaks them down so well and it takes twice the normal high dosage of them for me to even feel them -- and afterwards was able to prescribe me a med that does work, for the most part, except for half the month when I have PMS and my period. Then it's like... am I even taking meds.

Honestly I just wish I could take my whole damn uterus out. Just yeet the whole thing. I don't think I should have to wait another twenty years or more to no longer deal with my period making my brain crazy, but apparently feeling like shit and barely functioning half the time isn't reason enough to take out the damn cause of the problem

#zombie thoughts #menstruation #depression #hysterectomies aren't voluntary here like you can't just decide you want one #i know it's difficult in the US as well because you have to have your husbands permission blah blah blah but at least then Huband could sig #off on it and we'd be good to go but here i can't even do that. there has to be a severe enough medical reason to do it or they won't do it #at all and mental illness isn't a reason that's accepted as far as i know #fuck. i may ask anyway. just tell my psychiatrist that i feel so bad it's like my meds aren't even there and i want to take my uterus o-u-t

[inmirova]

spending the small hours of the night thinking about how hdb views the mere act of caring for him as inhuman.

#like. even the kindest doctor i have ever had let me withdraw from multiple antipsychotics mood stabilizers and antidepressants alone #trying and failing to figure out how to taper down safely from the internet. most things suggested getting smaller scripts filled #our society wasnt built for people like us. it is so so tiring to be poor and disabled in this world and its tiring to love someone who is #so eventually we're abandoned. the people who loved us get tired of it. especially once youre safe enough to stop posturing #to admit that everything hurts and you dont want to get out of bed or you cant pick up the dog or youre just too fucking tired #because youre no longer what you were. these things constantly change you. #yes i loved to swim and to ice skate and to climb trees and sit and survey the world around me. no i cant do that anymore. #does it make me less interesting? does it make me harder to love? #how much is changed when im sitting on the shoreline and youre in the ocean? #this got away from me. it feels hard to be loved in a body like this-in a mind like this. it must be saintly. angelic. innocentic. to do so #tomorrow night is my favorite holiday but it leaves me thinking a lot about devotion #about ruth clinging to naomi- the realization that what you have found would destroy you should you lose it. #where you die i will die and there i will be buried may the lord deal with me be it ever so severely if anything but death separates us #it's so hard when the thing that separates you is your punishment already #dream dora talks about his depression and how he gets too sad and phone dora tells him hes drunk no matter what he says #the resentment of his mental illness and addiction. his poverty too- i doubt the line where she calls him a poverty-stricken fuck is real #but the emotion behind it was definitely in her #all of the reasonings my ex fiance gave for leaving boiled down my mental illness (blatantly said it a couple times too) #but ik physical disability stuff bothered them too #it's fucking hard #the parts of you that everyone resents are finally accepted and embraced and then used to blame you for the end of something #yes of course there were things i did wrong as a person and things harry did wrong as a person. #that doesnt stop the things about ourselves that are already distressing from being paraded as a moral failure by someone we trusted #all of this to say. sometimes it feels like waiting for the other shoe to drop. #humanity has abandoned the poor disabled addicts of the world. when will you? it's inhuman to care. history shows that to be true. #idk. i have to be up in 3 hours. im sure ill have more coherent thoughts about this after work tomorrow. rn I'm just. here's a mess lol #or maybe not! i have to put the finishing touches on my cheesecake before sundown. #ill make dinner and celebrate shavuot with my sister who is still a human despite caring for me #and things will be. as they are. or ill rotate these thoughts in my head and wont be able to fall asleep all night and ill ruin tomorrow. #who knows!