The Ultimate Zagene Masterpost
as promised, i’ve gone through every official try guys video from the past few years to compile all the Zagene moments (this post also includes The Podcast™). i’ve provided dates and will link to gif sets/tumblr posts for specific moments (because i’m Extra As Fuck). i’ll try to keep this updated with new videos, so check back often (also, please let me know if i forget anything!)
under the cut, because it’s looooong.
DISCLAIMER: i don’t mean to imply that i know anything about zach and eugene’s personal lives, or that most of these moments aren’t just things between two close friends. was literally just complying this list for a bit of fun, and because i was bored. pls don’t come for me, y’all
another disclaimer: i’m australian, so some of the dates i use could be a bit off bc i’m something like 18 hours ahead of these two lol
also: i know initially that i said i would include instagram posts and other, non-buzzfeed videos on this list. unfortunately, i did not end up doing so. i’m maybe thinking about doing a part 2 where i include these things? no promises, this list took so much out of me as is
without further ado...
Nov. 13, 2014 - Guys Recreate Kim Kardashian’s Butt Photo
literally first video with these two together (?) and eugene’s already lowkey checking out zach (roughly 0:45-0:47). oh boy.
Nov. 19, 2014 - American Guys Try European Swimwear
zagene riding in the backseat together
“your dick might be huge” - eugene to zach (2:58), followed by eugene staring at zach until he makes a joke. um. ok.
zach checking up on hungover eugene (3:11)
December 30, 2014 - The Try Guys Test The Legal Alcohol Limit
eugene instantly goes to break up the fight between ned and zach (4:41)
during the little bits where they’re testing how drunk they are these two will not stay away from each other… at 4:56 eugene walks from one side of zach to the other to get in between him and everyone else lmao
5:38 eugene reaches out to put his hand on zach’s back for no reason
6:37 (again at 6:54) zach has his arm around eugene, sorta leaning into him. no complaint from eugene “i hate hugs” yang
eugene’s little dance on zach at 7:00
January 18, 2015 - The Try Guys Shoot Guns For The First Time
the boys sittin together at lunch, bein judgey (0:27)
(1:10) whenever i see this, i always think of this post, so it’s making the list
January 25, 2015 - The Try Guys Try ’Fifty Shades’ Style BDSM
the boys beside each other again, this time holding hands! (5:46)
February 23, 2015 - The Try Guys Taste Test Jerky
zach’s lowkey super fond looks at eugene from the backseat throughout the video
March 6, 2015 - The Try Guys Try Magic Mike Stripping
2:15 eugene is sitting on the floor facing zach, rather than keith who he’s actually talking to
“i’ve given lap dances drunk” eugene i’m not even remotely surprised (3:15)
March 11, 2015 - The Try Guys Try Makeup Tutorials
“eugene your hair’s blocking me. eu-eugene? eugene, your hair” (2:27)
April 1, 2015 - The Try Guys’ Naked Sushi Prank
zach stopping to wait for eugene (0:24)
1:05 - ok… love this little bit. eugene smiling, the high five, eugene hitting zach’s glasses off his face, zach’s little giggle. presh.
April 10, 2015 - The Try Guys Try UFC Fighting
0:00 - not even a second in and already into it. “we love you eugene”
(0:23) - eugene is fully straddling zach. and like… bouncing on him
(0:35) “i feel like zach might squeal like a little piggy and it really excites me”
(2:24) “can we all kick zach real quick” weird way of flirting but if it works for u bud
(3:40) little hard to see but eugene’s leaning on zach
when jessica’s throwing eugene around zach looks thrilled and worried in equal measure
“didn’t come here to fight eugene! he’s fucking crazy” (8:57)
“i landed some pretty solid punches on eugene’s beautiful, beautiful face” (9:12)
eugene like… lifting zach off the ground by his legs? (9:26)
eugene leaning down over zach’s face; keith: “now kiss him like you mean it!” (9:37)
May 6, 2015 - The Try Guys Try Pregnancy Bellies
(4:52) - group hug, but eugene’s got his arm around zach and like,, kinda leans into the back of his neck?
May 7, 2015 - The Try Guys Change Dirty Diapers
just generally stood suuuper close together the whole video
May 17, 2015 - The Try Guys Try American Ninja Warrior
“right zach?” (10:14)
10:33 - eugene reaches out to take the towel (offered to zach) to dry him
May 31, 2015 - The Try Guys Hit 90 MPH Fastballs
“goddammit eugene” followed by soft smile from eugene (3:22)
(5:40) eugene reaches out to pull zach’s robe back in place lmao
June 20, 2015 - The Try Guys Try Wedding Dresses
(0:51) “this is my day” - zach, while pointing to eugene, who nods, smiles, and his eyebrows look kinda raised too lol
(1:01) “eugene’s gonna look prettier than any of us”
(1:32) zach’s just like… casually stroking eugene’s legs
(2:27) could they BE pressed any closer together
(2:46) goin in for the smooch… iconic
June 26, 2015 - The Try Guys March In The Pride Parade
the boys at pride…. bless :’)
i have no real specific moments from this vid i just love it so much
June 29, 2015 - The Try Guys Try Not To Die Alone
(1:24) zach: “that’s some good ash.” eugene laughs at this like it’s the funniest thing he’s ever heard
(11:23) legendary hug/tackle…. the best, unbeatable, iconic,
July 12, 2015 - The Try Guys Try Irish Step Dance
(0:28) shoulder pat
also dance partners, holding hands, bless
(1:55) “i feel like my butt is tauter” zach turns and raises an eyebrow
(3:15) they go in for a group hug and eugene instantly goes for zach. when it’s clear he won’t reach zach, he pulls away from them all. interesting
August 1, 2015 - The Try Guys Watch Anime For The First Time
(1:17) zach compliments eugene’s hair
(3:06) zach: “yeah i guess we’re having a good time again.” eugene has the biggest smile on his face
(4:51) another compliment for eugene’s hair
(5:07) zach says something, then eugene repeats it enthusiastically and like.. kinda bites his lip?
(5:28) eugene leans over ned so he can talk to zach
these two are so in sync in such little ways like.. correcting ned’s pronunciation (6:03), leaning forward to laugh at ned’s joke (7:10), the hand gesture (7:14)
7:33 holding hands :))
August 3, 2015 - The Try Guys Cosplay For The First Time
8:41 - the boys dancing together
August 29, 2015 - The Try Guys Try Extreme Swimsuits
(4:57) eugene casually checking out zach (”i just saw zach’s penis” “yeah i accidently showed eugene my dick already” “i can still see your dick”)
zach’s eyes go straight (haha) to eugene’s butt when he walks away (5:11)
September 12, 2015 (from some time in August) - The Try Guys Imitate Each Other
“so, the one thing i know about zach is that- besides being adorable-” (0:47)
“i’ve been to many bars with him” (0:53)
“i have never been so attracted to eugene” (1:07)
ok but zach imitating eugene LMFAO
(3:30) zach crashing into eugene for a hug
September 23, 2015 - The Try Guys Watch K-pop For The First Time
(2:16) eugene like… reading zach’s mind
September 25, 2015 - The Try Guys Try Korean Cooking
the boys cooking together
(0:36) “so eugene’s gonna be my mom” “i am not gonna be your mom” “so i got mom here to help me-” “i am not your mom” “so mom what’s the first step?” “i am not your mom!”
(1:10) eugene feeding zach (”thereee you go”)
(1:41) “you fucked me hard”
(1:47) “eugene’s a mean daddy”
(1:52) hand on the shoulder
(2:42) eugene just looks SO done
(3:04) “we’re a great team” :’)
(6:18) arm around the shoulder
September 26, 2015 - The Try Guys Recreate Korean Drama Scenes
(2:04) iconic…. zach going in for a kiss. when will ur fave ever
September 27, 2015 - The Try Guys Try K-pop Dance Moves
(3:15) zach: *sniffs eugene* “still smells good”
(3:49) zach (lol and the others) wearing eugene’s clothes
(5:46) “let’s smell him again”
October 29, 2015 - The Try Guys Try Childhood-Ruining Costumes
(4:58) zach’s got his arms wrapped around eugene, trying to pull his costume off
November 1, 2015 - The Try Guys Get Prostate Exams
(2:46) “i’ve never had anything up my butt- well” ???????????
eugene looked like he enjoyed the exam way too much LMAO
December 13, 2015 - The Try Guys Try Therapy
the boys opening up to each other (just all of them in general) :’)
(6:17) as soon as eugene holds out his hands for the others to touch zach immediately reaches out, even before eugene was finished talking
(7:25) “now hug us!!”
eugene tries to wave off the hug until he sees zach’s arms then kinda reluctantly shuffles over
(7:28) ok zach is FULLY cuddling eugene at this point
December 19, 2015 - The Try Guys Break Into A House
(1:18) boyfs ridin off in style
Febuary 7, 2016 - Sexy Edible Lingerie Taste Test
(5:18) zach chose his nipple as the place for eugene to lick, despite presumably knowing it’d give him away bc of all the hair. go big or go home i guess
Febuary 28, 2016 - The Try Guys Play F***, Marry, Kill
(2:06) eugene noticeably reaches out to touch zach, pulls away, then moves his arm back over to grab zach’s arm
(2:17) eugene pats zach on the back
also… not zagene but……. eugene in glasses…………………
March 6, 2016 - The Try Guys Test Their Sperm Count
(5:47) eugene puts his hand on zach’s back again
March 16, 2016 - Which Type of Alcohol F*cks You Up The Most?
(3:28) “bye eugene” “where did he go?” “where does he ever go :(” why does zach sound so sad omg
these two actually weren’t super touchy in this vid which is weird when u look at the last vid where they all got drunk together
March 27, 2016 - Extreme Asian Food Challenge
(1:25) “do you wanna feed each other?” eugene gives a Look to the camera- “…sure”
(2:17) for the life of me can’t work out what eugene’s doing here. is he abt to put his arm around zach? put the phone in his pocket then quickly change his mind? touch his butt? we may never know
(5:19) zach’s “are u being for fuckin real” look still manages to be incredibly fond
(5:49) “keep your screaming to a minimum” “ yEaH eUgEne We’lL KeEp ouR ScrEamiNg to A miNimUm”
April 19, 2016 - The Try Guys Get Style Makeovers
(3:15) “first person who comes to your mind when you think of a well-dressed guy” “eugene” (same)
(8:29) eugene looks lost for words
(9:40) “it’s workin on me”
(12:22) “you look like a deleted scene from cowboy bebop” “that’s the nicest thing anyone’s ever said to me” “you’re welcome”
June 17, 2016 - The Try Guys Try Not To Die At Sea
(0:40) eugene helping zach into the water
(1:22) while eugene’s fixing his hair; “i think you look good”
(2:06) eugene holding zach while he pees over the side (one hand right on his butt). good job being supportive?
August 5, 2016 - The Try Guys Try The Ancient Olympics
(2:43) zach’s rubbing oil into eugene’s butt, which totally isn’t suggestive at all
(3:34) pretty much leaning into each other again, this time while fully naked
(11:15) eugene comforting zach after he kicked him lol
zach has that same worried/thrilled look he has when eugene’s fighting ned that he had during the UFC fighting ep
also unrelated to zagene entirely but steven’s in the background during the wrestling?? omg
(13:54) back to zagene zach goes to help eugene off the ground when he has his ass handed to him
(15:50) eugene shoving zach when he’s being a little shit. i’m also like 90% certain he said “zachary!”
August 27, 2016 - The Try Guys Danish Food Taste Test
(0:19) ok not super zageney BUT i did use this moment in this post (#shamelessspon)
(1:48) “i think we should lady and the tramp this” “no” instant cut to them lady and the tramping the food
(2:47) “i like watching you eat! it’s like watching a little baby eat”
September 12, 2016 - The Try Guys React To Their First Videos
(3:21) zach and eugene sassing ned
(5:06) “look at that big boner i had” “that was NOT your boner” alrighty zach
(5:44) “i didn’t want to hurt you...”
(8:56) zach’s got his leg lying on eugene’s
(9:13) leaning into each other
(9:12) “promise you if we get to 200 videos we’ll fuck each other” can’t wait for The Try Guys Try Guys (i’m definitely not the first person to make this joke)
November 4, 2016 - The Try Guys Try Distracted Driving
(5:11) zach gently brushes hair off eugene’s forehead
(8:47) eugene and zach smiling at each other so softly i’m....
December 12, 2016 - The Try Guys Crash Cars Into Each Other
(1:35) zach’s giggle at “demolition derby is basically backing dat ass up”
(12:34) eugene gives zach the most adoring look
December 17, 2016 - The Try Guys Try The Weirdest Beauty Trends Of 2016
(4:57) eugene’s got his arm resting on zach’s shoulder
February 17, 2017 - The Try Guys Prank Each Other
(2:05) “you pick the stupidest pranks zach” eugene sounded so giggly here aw
(5:05) eugene absolutely cracks up at zach’s “stupid prank”
(6:13) eugene cracking up at one of zach’s pranks again. genuinely love how happy he seems in this vid
(8:30) eugene leans right over zach to point at his screen and zach doesn’t even think twice about it. doesn’t flinch when eugene touches his face to steal his glasses either 🤔
(8:46) zach’s fond (yet exasperated) face and eugene’s kinda giddy laugh
(8:49) highkey looks like eugene was going for zach’s hand. he settles on his wrist
(8:53) zach’s hand goes to eugene’s to try and pull him away. and then cut to eugene halfway across the room??
(11:11) (make a wish) eugene and zach noticeably walking apart from the others
February 21, 2017 - The Try Guys Try Virtual Reality
(3:10) eugene hugs zach from behind and looks thrilled with himself
(4:38) eugene leans towards the back of zach’s neck to whisper something to be a lil shit again (”back, demon!”)
(8:22) eugene wanders over to be a shit again, a reoccurring theme for this vid
(9:47, but also earlier (i forget when)) when eugene’s standing with his renditions of the try guys, he has his arm around his version of zach
March 5, 2017 - The Try Guys Take A Friendship DNA Test
(2:42) uh the whole dominant/submissive thing? what kind of kinky shit?
March 12, 2017 - The Try Guys Sexy Alcohol Taste Test
just the fact that these two were paired together for this kind of video
(1:20) “did you put your sex inside my drink, eugene?”
(1:48) eugene leaning right into zach’s personal space
(3:09) eugene looks so challenging when he’s describing the blow job shot. he’s READY
(3:13) “gene i noticed that yours is girthier than mine” eugene’s Look. also the nickname
(3:34) zach is so wide eyed when eugene takes the shot. also eugene definitely looks like he’s showing off
(3:45) “oooh yeah, i’m blowing your job...” “...just take the drink Zach, don’t think about it too much”
(4:04) eugene guiding zach’s head to take the shot???
(4:12) “this is the worst blow job i���ve ever gotten” and all that follows
(5:41) eugene like full-on bites
(6:15) “to zach’s tiny, fuckable body” “ahh... one day”
March 26, 2017 - The Try Guys Wear High Heels For A Night
(3:22) sitting beside each other at dinner
(5:47) eugene’s got his arm around zach, hand kinda on his neck
(6:44) ok... i know some stuff on this list is a bit of a stretch but DEFINITE heart eyes from eugene here
(7:36) eugene’s got his arm behind zach on the wall, leaning into his personal space
(8:25) zach leans into eugene to say something to him
(8:26) eugene’s reluctant to tap out bc he wanted to last the night, so zach suggests they call it a night so eugene can take the heels off without feeling bad
(8:41) eugene has his hands on zach’s shoulders, lets him lead him out
(8:43) eugene’s arm around zach’s shoulders again, hand kinda bunched in his shirt (also, “tonight zach carried me home”)
April 1, 2017 - The Try Guys Drunk Fast Food Taste Test
(0:12) eugene - “when people are drunk, they’re more honest than ever” hey so i wonder why u two get super touchy whenever ur drunk 🤔
(0:17) “my pants are still wet from the other video” “no one- no one wants to see that zach” eugene says, while staring at his butt
(0:39) “don’t eat without me, motherfucker”
(5:30) zagene being all cute and giggly at the end
April 15, 2017 - The Try Guys Take A Lie Detector Test
ok before we begin... #shamelessspon here and here
(1:48) eugene leaning over zach, one arm on either side of him
(2:18) eugene looks so goddamn fond here i’m dead
(4:35) when it’s revealed zach’s made out with a coworker, eugene looks pretty damn smug
also eugene looking progressively more annoyed the more coworkers zach’s said he’s made out with lmaooo
(5:22) eugene wants to fuck zach. literally have nothing to add, it speaks for itself
(6:09) zach reaches out to grab onto eugene’s arm
(7:44) zach grabs onto eugene’s arm again
(8:13) zach reaches out to grab eugene’s shoulder again
(8:35) hey so guess what zach’s doing, yet again
(8:54) eugene wraps his arm around zach’s shoulders
(8:59) eugene’s leaning heavily on zach’s shoulder
May 20, 2017 - The Try Guys Take An Ancestry DNA Test
ok before i begin i absolutely love this post by @foundghosts which might be worth a look if ur into reading body language (i think it’s super cool, which is a surprise to no one following this blog)
June 13, 2017 - The Try Guys Re-Create Photos Of Their Dads
(1:51) supportive bf shaving zach’s chest hair
also zach talking abt finding someone in the voice over when eugene’s the only person in the shot with him?
also this ask that i got
July 29, 2017 - The Try Guys Try The Japanese Tablecloth Trick
(5:33) “just take your pants off”
(6:43) zach and eugene driving everywhere together gives me life
(6:49) mocking each other like 5 year olds smh
August 5, 2017 - The Try Guys Try Cuban Miami
(9:36) sitting beside each other for a coffee break
(10:35) teamwork on the cigar wrapping
(12:11) eugene’s arm is wrapped around zach
August 12, 2017 - The Try Guys Ski In Speedos
(0:29) [”i see eugene, i click”] zach: “i click! i click!” eugene just looks fond and exasperated
(1:53) eugene is giving definite heart eyes here (also his fucking HAIR Y’ALL I’M SCREAMING)
(3:41) zach reaching forward to run his fingers through eugene’s hair (living the dream if we’re being real)
August 26, 2017 - The Try Guys 12-Mile Wilderness Adventure
(3:21) zach calling eugene tf out
(5:04) what is this cutesy couple-style photoshoot going on here
(7:40) eugene and zach walking together behind the others
(11:41) during the group hug, eugene has one arm fully around zch while his other is kind of just awkwardly patting keith’s shoulder lmfao
September 2, 2017 - The Try Guys Throw A $300,000 Bachelor Party
(3:27) sitting together in the back seat (literally incapable of driving anywhere if they’re not sitting together i swear)
the shots dotted throughout the video of zach and eugene talking to themselves or the camera and leaning towards each other a lil
(18:15) definitely got arms around each other, also eugene’s smile aw
September 9, 2017 - I Have An Autoimmune Disease
(3:37-3:55) eugene messing around with zach
(8:10) eugene was with zach the first time he got his shot (other try guys at least weren’t there)
September 16, 2017 - The Try Guys Get Makeovers From High School Girls
(8:21) eugene looks pretty flustered when he sees zach in his bad boy get up
(8:35) “nice meme reference!”
yo but the things zach says when ned comes out in his clothes... u sure ur straight bud
October 7, 2017 - The Try Guys Try Immigrating To America
(0:05) eugene immediately looks to zach after making a joke (looking for validation?)
(4:06) “i think i have a crush on... iranian eugene” “don’t have a crush on fake me”
(5:10) “you’ve been recently widowed” “that means i’m single”
October 14, 2017 - The Try Guys Try Roller Derby
(2:04) eugene glances at zach a couple of times, looking incredibly fond
(2:31) eugene skating towards zach to hold his hand is still the cutest thing ever
(3:03) eugene skating towards zach to make him jump out of the way
(8:06) eugene reaches across ned to touch zach’s hand, for seemingly no reason
October 28, 2017 - The Try Guys Test Who Is The Most Attractive
(2:20) “you’re doing great sweetie”
(20:11) eugene “i hate children” yang: “but think of our children, how successful they’d be”
November 4, 2017 - The Try Guys Become Groomsmen For Keith’s Wedding
(2:06) “take your clothes off, zach”
(8:17) “ok umm... just think about zach naked” this is such a weird thing for eugene to have said and yet i’m not remotely surprised
(13:08) the Look
November 11, 2017 - The Try Guys Bake Bread Without A Recipe
(9:57) great minds think alike :’) (also eugene apparently just lurking around behind zach)
ok also adding on the little smile eugene does whenever zach smiles at him. i’ve noticed this before but i don’t think i’ve brought it up yet
(11:08) zach mutters something to eugene, shared smile
(14:25) eugene’s classic adoring smile
(17:16) “i’ve been asking for hugs all day!” says zach, looking sulky
November 18, 2017 - The Try Guys Feed Wild Animals In Alaska
(2:26) adorable teasing
(3:49) leaning into each other a little
(6:44) more teasing
also y’all we’ve rlly gotta hand it to zach for not checking eugene out in the clips at the place they’re staying, even if he is straight. like bitch i’m a lesbian but oh boy.....
December 2, 2017 - The Try Guys Make The Ultimate Holiday Calendar
(9:08) eugene confirms he’s lgbt, to the surprise of absolutely no one
(10:22) zach FULLY checking out eugene’s dick
(12:42) eugene adjusting zach’s scarf thing around his shoulders (i’m not jewish lol there’s probably some jewish name for it) - EDIT: it’s called a Tallus or talit
(15:30) “touch my butt” “i’ll hold his butt”
16:52, 16:54, 17:23 zach tries to kiss eugene
(17:23) “wow gimel that’s three kisses!!” “noo! that’s not how it works!”
December 11, 2017 - Not Too Deep Podcast with Grace Helbig
(19:10) “yeah we hang out more than’s probably healthy at this point” [what percentage of your weeks are spent with each other] “um, approximately the amount of time you’d spend with a significant other” “i was gonna say 80, it that too high? like my waking hours” [and sometimes when you’re sleeping!] “it has happened, yeah”
(20:09) (grace brings up zagene) zach: “i love this podcast already!!” eugene: “you know, zach loves that”
(20:20) zach wants to do a try guys recreate fanfic video. eugene is more reluctant. read into this as you will
(21:04) “he’s a classic bottom, i’m a more prototypical top”
(26:48) zach is “obsessed” with the idea of a fanfic recreation vid
(29:13) another example of zach offhandedly mentioning how hot he finds eugene
(33:34) “you’ll get married, you’re a romaaantic”
(35:57) great minds think alike :‘)
December 16, 2017 - Male Sex Symbols Throughout History
(6:46) ICONIC ass slap
and eugene’s winning smile immediately after
January 27, 2018 - The Try Guys Race Dune Buggies
(2:31) why do they literally sound like parents arguing abt who has to tuck their child in LMAO
zach also puts his hand on eugene’s back a second later
(2:40) eugene’s resting his head on zach’s shoulder as he leans forward
(5:05) eugene doing a mini photo shoot of zach kills me every time
(13:14) eugene initiates the group hug, but doesn’t extend it to ned and keith when they come over
also side note but zach fits into eugene’s arms so well it’s adorable
February 10, 2018 - The Try Guys Race Dog Sleds
(3:59) watching them goof around together is so sweet
(6:04) zach’s like got his hand fisted in eugene’s jacket
(7:03) why is it whenever we get a candid shot of these two they’re always standing suuuper close together
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The return of my blog or something idk
Looks like in my last blog I said I’d not post my semi-private stuff here, only to a private blog.
Honestly, I can’t remember the name of the private blog; let alone the login/password. I think I only made one post there, to zero followers, and kind of lost the point of doing it. So fuck it, lets just go back to being here.
Days since last post: 614
Todays date: 30th September 2019
Start time: 20:39
Well, I guess we have some catching up to do.
I don’t know how many people on here were following me before. So, I guess I’ll start with a sum-up. My previous blog was just me ranting about anxiety/depression related things. It was a good platform for me to vent my thoughts without real life friends knowing; I had a few RL friends who followed it which was great as they could give me some support, but most of them didn’t know about the blog, which was also great as they then didn’t know a side of me I’d generally prefer to keep private.
That blog was deleted in early January 2018, when the drummer from my then-band found it. I had made some comments about my frustrations in the band which were true, and I stand by them - but naturally it caused drama. I deleted the account, and instantly regretted it - I only had maybe 50 followers, but now I have two, so yeah.
Life since then has been... chaotic. Not specifically in a bad way, just a lot of things happened. When the blog ended I was;
- Single
- Playing guitar in a band
- Working a dead-end job in a Warehouse
- Had no ambition/drive to progress life
Three of those things have since changed; I’m still single (not for lack of trying but whatevs). I guess I’ll cover a timeline?
Jan 2018: I deleted my old blog, and made this one, and a second one with a more secretive/anon name. I made a couple of posts on each, then abandoned it. Instead, I started relying mostly on just one friend to help me.
May 2018: I got a new job, working for a games developer. It literally changed my life. Anxiety/depression started to clear up a lot, things just generally improved.
June/July-ish 2018: I left my band. There was an argument about the fact another band was using our space for free, after we had offered it to them at a split rate and they declined. I instigated the argument, other members didn’t see eye to eye with me, so I quit. It was a final nail in the coffin kind of thing, but it was certainly the healthy thing to do. The whole situation had been kind of toxic for a little while, but I now get on just fine with all of them - I think if I had stayed much longer, that might not be the case. Our vocalist left very shortly after me as well - I don’t know the reasons why, but it seems the terms were... less happy.
September 2018: I started taking Japanese classes. Met a girl, had a crush on her for a bit, it didn’t go anywhere as usual. No biggie.
December 2018: Depression came back a bit, as it always does around then. Not much I can do about it so I just power through.
February 2019: I got made redundant from work. I was cool with it, I could see it coming for a while and there was like 12 other people too, my boss had fought hard to keep me but the game wasn’t doing so well, so I totally get it. I got a nice redundancy pay (which they by no means had to give me, so I’m super grateful).
I applied for a job with another studio; quite a big one called Jagex. They were far from me so it would’ve involved moving and stuff, so quite scary. I made it to the final stages, but didn’t get it.
I now had a fair lump of cash (I had been saving for a house anyway), but not quite sure what to do with it. Followers of my previous blog can probably guess what I decided to spend it on...
April 2019: I went back to Japan! My mental-health-reset trip mark 2. I spent about two and a half weeks there (despite fucking up and accidentally buying a ticket to return mid-may... whoops). I got detained in China on my way home too but that’s a whole other story (it was all sorted and fine in the end).
While in Japan, I had time to clear my head and think. I decided I wanted to go back to university, so started thinking about how that would work. Here in the UK, we get a student loan to pay for university. It’s a bit complicated, but the way it works is you get your course length plus one year of funding. The day you set foot on campus, you use one year of funding. Now, I had already been to university previously - I studied music production. Totally dead industry, I dropped out about three weeks into my second year. That meant, I only had course length minus one year’s funding left available.
So I have to pay the first year of university myself. At a cool £9,250.
My dad agreed to pay one term, so one third of that. I managed to save up another terms worth by working over the summer. I’m sat in my uni dorm right now, still not quite sure how I’ll pay for the third term... but I’ve got 6 months to figure that one out.
May 2019: I returned to my original job, back in the warehouse. Picking and packing sacks of bird food, so much fun. My mental health naturally slipped again, although everyone was really friendly to me while before it was kinda like I didn’t exist, so that was nice.
Around this time, I also joined an Overwatch team. It was a pretty big team with maybe 14-15 members, it was cool to make some new friends. Except one guy, was a dick. This OW stuff is like a whole side story from hereon...
Anyway, I said to my squad leader (We’ll call her SN) that this guy is a dick. She said ok and she’d go talk to him. She said do you agree you’re being a dick, he said no. She said do you acknowledge one of the squad members thinks you’re being a dick? He said no again. Some other stuff I don’t know happened, and he got kicked off the team. He turned a load of people against her, caused loads of drama, and everyone blamed her when it was 100% my fault. So that was fun. The only reason I didn’t leave the team right then is because if I had, the entire drama would’ve been for nothing.
June 2019: My old boss who didn’t work there appeared at the end of may. I have a job for you. Ominous... but ok.
Turns out, there was a new system being implemented on another contract. As I had experience with QA, and had done some IT stuff for them before, they wanted me to help with the testing and implementation. It was a job that would test my brain, while requiring little physical work - it was perfect for me. I really enjoyed it. It was supposed to be a four week thing, but we found lots of niggly little problems in the system... as far as I know, it’s actually only just gone live - but may have been delayed further.
While working up there, obviously there was downtime while waiting for fixes to be implemented. “What, you want this label a different size? oof, that’s gonna take about three weeks”. However, I got to stay in the office, doing odd jobs and stuff. One of the “odd jobs” ended up being a full on Android app, that my boss and me developed together. It was super fun to work on and really rewarding. That was worked on on-and-off between June and August.
July 2019: an interesting month. There was a major incident at work where a shelf holding very heavy metal shit stirrers collapsed. (The contract was a water treatment etc company, who provide all the clean water and water recycling for my local area. The things on the shelf literally stirred shit.) No one was hurt but it was a lot of drama, which was kind of entertaining to me as I was totally bunking off for the whole week where it happened. Not just the occasionally check Facebook on your phone at work kind of bunking off; I literally just messed about on Discord and worked on Minecraft mods for about two weeks straight. They had given me quite a big project to do, I automated the process... gg ez.
Around this time, the game I had been a part of before was to be officially cancelled. My old work invited me down to the studio to be a part of the formal funeral for the game, which was a big honour. I even got to fly the sky-whale which was awesome. It was bittersweet though, as the game meant a lot to me and had literally changed my life.
August 2019: haaaaaa august was a meme. I’d gotten kinda close with a girl (we’ll call her AP) in my Overwatch team. Like, we’d arranged to meet up at the end of August anyway but yeah, she was the first crush in a long time who actually knew I liked her. And she had certainly implied she felt the same way... like she’d been sending lots of hearts and stuff and talking to me 24/7, tagging me in “X has to take you on a date to Y place” memes and so on.
Anyways, so SN had apparently picked up on the fact I liked her, and started getting super pissy with me. I was pretty good friends with SN and we got on well, but in August she suddenly started getting crazy angry with me over tiny things. It all came to a head when I let AP kill me in a game (long story). Turns out, SN was like in love with me... despite breaking up with her boyfriend of over a year like 2 days before this conversation. So yeah, she told me to fuck off and that was that, she left the team etc, which thanks to chain of command meant that I was then in charge. fun.
Anyways, get to the end of August, and I was due to meet AP. We met up, it was pretty cool. We hung out at a gaming festival, then suddenly like half way through she was like “lets split up for a bit” and I was like ........ok thats weird but alright. We didn’t meet up again until literally when she had like 2 mins to go, but it seems like she had a lot more fun without me being there. Clearly I’d done some major fuckup, which I still don’t actually know what it was. I had an anxiety attack before I even reached my car... and not a little one either. It’s quite possibly the biggest anxiety attack I’ve ever had, I barely made it to my car before having a total meltdown. It was the first one I’d had for about a year and it hit hard. It took me about 30 mins to calm down, then I headed home.
I messaged her that night and asked her what happened, and she replied with “oh I never said I liked you”. It hurt a lot, like I’d been totally lead on. But hey whatever, that’s my life in a nutshell right? “Oh you want this happiness? this happiness right infront of you? HA nah”.
She said in the same message that I “seemed cool” and she’d like to hang out again sometime. But literally within a week she was clearly interested in another guy, so yeah whatever. We’re still friends and play games from time to time but I know she likes this other guy, so yeah. I still like her but whatever, not much I can do about it.
Work was a meme as well. I got taken off the fun and interesting projects to do paperwork. Literally, my job was to scan 35,000 documents because they couldn’t find a couple of bits of information. I suggested much better and more efficient ways, but the boss of the contract was like “no thats bad do it this old fashioned way we don’t want any fancy apps or anything” (I had suggested a spreadsheet or database). It took me about 3 weeks of just standing by a scanner which would jam up every 15-20 sheets in. It was mental health hell, especially in the last week after all the AP stuff had happened.
September 2019: I had one week left at work. I finished the hellish scanning project on Monday afternoon. “Oh as a thanks for your massive hard work we’ll make sure to find you things to do for the rest of the week” No it’s fine, I’m happy to just finish a few days early so I have more time to prep for uni. “No no no, we’ll find you stuff to do”
They did not find stuff for me to do.
I literally sat there, with nothing to do bar a few odd jobs “hey can you fix this printer”, for four days. It was incredibly mind-numbingly dull. The only thing ticking me over was “hey, maybe they wanna give me a card on my last day or something to say good luck and bye and thanks for doing this literal £20/hr job for half that because you’re agency staff”. But nah, a few people said cya later, but a lot forgot I was leaving entirely. So that was a fun way to finish what had mostly been a decent job...
I then had two weeks of freedom, before moving to university on the 21st. I was nervous; who wouldn’t be? but it was cool. I finally moved out of my house, and had a place where I could make a lot of new friends (LOL). On the day I moved in, I met up with someone I’d spoken to online a few times who was living in the same building as me, we’ll call her S. She was nice, we got on well, and it was kinda cool to have a friend who was a girl that for once I didn’t have a crush on (coz I’m still totally hung up on AP). We ended up going to a club in the evening which I’ve literally never done in my life, and she brought me out of my comfort zone a lot. She was great for my anxiety and really helpful. We’ve hung out a few times since, but I kind of feel like I was just a “filler friend” until she made new friends. She actually totally blanked me when I walked past her today, so that was fun. She has my Switch atm too coz I let her borrow it, I’ll probably just get it back later this week and then be done, its like I put in all the effort to be a friend and she couldn’t care less.
Anyways, so as I said I moved in on Saturday. I met one of my four flatmates on Saturday and another on Sunday, but hadn’t seen the other two at all. It gets to Thursday and I’m tidying the kitchen a bit, my mum’s about to pick me up so I can move in my last few things, and one of the mystery people appeared - she hadn’t actually moved in yet and was just unloading her stuff. She had loads of kitchen stuff, seems she’s really into her cooking.
Anyway, mum picks me up, we go to get my stuff, then we’re driving back, and my phone starts blowing up.
S: Are you in?
Me: No, why?
S: Your building’s on fire.
Me: lol nice joke
S: no really *picture of everyone evacuated with fire engines outside*
S: It’s your floor too, idk which flat.
I wasn’t far out, so found her outside when I arrived. I’ve seen people going in, not being funny but one of them looked like [one of my flatmates]. Shit.
A few mins later, the girl who had just moved in came over. You know it’s our flat right?
Shit.
Turns out the extractor fan on the cooker malfunctioned. I won’t share the video itself coz one of my flatmates is in it, but yeah it just started spraying molten something all over the hob and surfaces. (They said it looked like molten metal, and they were there - but I don’t see how it would’ve gotten hot enough to melt any metal. My best guess is fat that hadn’t been cleaned from last years tenants)
So yeah, we got moved into another flat. The open cupboard right there was my one - I rescued my custom cup from it that the games studio had given me. It’s no good to drink from now, but it still looks ok so I’m glad I can keep it for decorative purposes at least. The rest of the food is waste, and I have to wait for the plates etc to get cleaned. I’m currently eating ready meals out of their cook-in containers, because I don’t have any plates, and only one fork and spoon. I bought some paper plates today though so I’ll use those from tomorrow, but I still don’t have any saucepans or anything.
I wasn’t around when they sorted out the replacement accommodation. Because of that, the other four from my flat went to the same new flat together, with one new person. I was put into a different flat which also had one other person in, my building manager assured me they’re “really nice”. I asked if they knew I was coming, BM said “they’ll know when we get up there :)”.
That was Thursday, today is Monday. The only food in the kitchen is mine, I’ve not seen anyone. I’m 100% positive I’m alone in this flat.
And so yeah, that’s my uni experience so far. I had my first lectures today, it was cool because I already knew all the stuff so I got to feel smart (I’m doing computer games programming, and it was mostly about design docs which I read through extensively while working at the studio, so I knew exactly how they worked etc). But, I didn’t really make any friends. I kind of joined in with a couple of other people in each lecture, but it seems like they weren’t really interested, so whatever. I had an anime society taster this evening as well, and it was when I was on my way to that that S blanked me and I just got hit my like a wave of loneliness. I didn’t make any friends at the anime society, so I kinda just gave up and came back to my flat, and started writing this. As I was getting the fire picture from above though someone asked me if I wanted to hang out, so guess I’ll see how that goes. Not holding out much hope tbh and I’m at the point of becoming a full on hermit... I mean hey, at least I’d get a perfect score on my degree if I just focus on that and eliminate any social aspect right?
Finish time: 21:38
Length: 3,302 words/16,759 characters
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