#I just wish my brain would shut up

[running-in-the-dark]

I've gotta go to the dentist again tomorrow. I got two fillings done on Thursday but they feel really rough and it's hurting my tongue (plus my brain doesn't stop noticing something like that so I'm constantly aware of it and it's exhausting), so I've got to get that fixed.

this time I have to drive myself, so I can't take any Lorazepam. I'm pretty sure it's gonna be a quick visit anyway, at least this kind of thing has never taken long in the past, so. it should be fine, I know that. but I feel so shitty anyway. it's like the anxiety/fear is there right below the surface but it can't quite come out (probably thanks to the anxiety meds) so I just feel off all day. it sucks (though I much prefer this over the actual anxiety, that completely ruined the days leading up to anything like this).

#plus I've been extremely tired all day so that doesn't help #I should go to bed but I don't want to #then I'll wake up and it'll be tomorrow and I'll have to go there and it'll be scary and I don't want to :( #it's so weird that going to the dentist used to be one of the things that DIDN'T scare me. or at least not any more than just regular #everyday stuff #but now anything medical that involves anything being DONE (so not just a visit to talk about something) is fucking terrifying #i just don't want to struggle anymore. I want to get up every day/most days and just feel alright and for everything to be neutral #everything feels so difficult and like I can't do it and what's the point anyway. if I can't do this at 31 then it's never gonna get better #right? how could it #ugggh #I'm so fucking scared of being done with uni. if I get a job I don't know how I'll cope. I already can't handle life and I don't do #ANYTHING right now 😭 #I just wish my brain would shut up #for a little while at least #personal

[kyluxtrashpit]

Okay I need to talk about death and specifically pet death and that’s not a thing a lot of people like to talk about but with old cat’s time left being unknown, I’m trying to make decisions and. I thought I knew what I was going to do but I’m second guessing it now so. I’ll actually use a cut this time so read on if you like, don’t if you’d not

I’m trying to plan ahead as much as I can considering I don’t know what’s going to happen and when. I’m hoping I can get another month or two with her but we’ll see. But I want to know what I’m going to do beforehand regardless so I don’t need to make any decisions in the moment

Originally, I was deadset on having her euthanized at home. Because she really doesn’t like the vet and then I don’t have to drive home all emotional and it just seemed like a good idea for everyone. I still need to call the place that does that and ask some questions but. I’m having doubts now

Her last 2 vet appointments actually went really well and she wasn’t nearly as upset as before (probably cause of gabapentin but. Can’t see why I couldn’t do that if she’s dying anyway. But she didn’t even growl or hiss, she did SO much better. So maybe she doesn’t hate it as much anymore? I’m not sure). But I know the vet still isn’t a place she likes to be so. I was thinking at home would be best for her

But at the same time. If it happens in my home, whether in her bed or on the couch or wherever… am I going to be able to see that spot as anything other than the place where she died? Am I going to be able to see this apartment as anything other than the place where she died? Is it going to make it harder for me to move on? And how will it affect new cat? Would it be better or worse for him to literally see it happen? And would doing it at home even be less stressful for her, given that they do need to set up the catheter and everything to deliver the medication? Or would she be just as upset even though it’s at home? Perhaps even more upset, as it could feel like a betrayal, a violation of her safe little home that she never expected?

And am I selfish for thinking about my comfort and my ability to move on when it’s the last moments of her life? Or is that reasonable, given I’m the one who has to live on without her? She always knows when I’m not feeling well and she comes and purrs on me - she doesn’t like it when I’m sad or sick or whatever. Would she, if I could tell her, understand if I did it at the vet given that she’s had a great life? Animals often can tell when it’s going to happen - will she know, will she forgive me? Would she prefer it that way?

But I still feel guilty for even considering doing it at the vet because I feel like I’m doing it for me and not her, though in some ways it might be the same or even better for her too. And there’s just no way for me to know for sure. But she deserves the best possible send off I can give her. I just. I don’t know what that is. And I know I’m running out of time to decide. And it’s also possible the time will come very suddenly and I won’t be able to arrange for it at home regardless, and the decision might be made for me

I don’t know. I know this is a highly personal decision and no one can make it for me. But if anyone has dealt with having to put a cat that dislikes the vet to rest and has any thoughts to add, I’d love to hear them. Or just any thoughts from anyone. I thought I knew what I was doing but the longer I think, the less sure I am

#I just #I don’t know #and my brain keeps going in circles #I don’t know what’s better for her #and I don’t know what’s better for me #and I don’t know if thinking about what would be better for me is selfish or not #and even if it isn’t I fear I’ll feel guilty forever if I make the ‘wrong’ choice #ugh #I wish I could talk to her just once and ask her what she thinks #but I can’t and it’s all up to me and it’s so hard I just don’t know #any thoughts or considerations would be appreciated even though I know I have to decide for myself and that no one else can do it #text #misc #shut up nerd

[cursedfortune]

Welp it's going on 8AM and I still can't sleep. But what I can do is think about Mortem kissing someone at sunrise and how poetic it is.

It's mostly due to it signifying the new day and all the potential that exists. So it's cute if it's a partner she has already. I can see it as a routine little thing since she tends to wake up early. But if it's a new partner and that's their first kiss shared I'm like-- weak. Gives me the same feeling as Mortem on the beach or Mortem on the beach with another and what it represents with potential, too.

#i'm just saying if you're not sharing a smooch (friendly or romantic) with mortem on a beach at sunrise #what even are you doing with your life. #let her bless you with good fortune and adoration and also get blessed in return with a smooch #other ppl one the beach: o-o #mortem being very tempted to curse them anywhere but the beach sdgfdhgfjhgh possessive beach goer mortem lmfao #ooc #i wish my brain would shut up because this shouldn't be making me laugh so much

[gregmarriage]

can’t tell if i’ve fucked up this courtship and we won’t get back to where we were and how nice it was, or if i’ve just woken up in a bad mood and i’m being overdramatic

#it’s probably the latter #i do half regret what happened #but like i had to communicate my feelings #and we’ll probably be fine and be okay again #i’m just being impatient for it bc i’m stressed #idk i wish my brain would shut up #genuinely feels like whenever i do it’s gonna object #literally idk what my brain thinks is worse #abject loneliness or dating somebody #bc i know it’s not just the girl #it’d happen #for whoever i was seeing #it’s so stupid!! #currently i seem to care too much or too little #also my brain is tricking me like in the two days we’ve been seeing other people she’s gonna have met someone and leave me #i think that’s also just old insecurites bc uhh fun fact: this has happened multiple times so my fears aren’t entirely unfounded but also i #know i’m being paranoid a lot of the time in relationships and that completely ruins everything #but tbh i can’t be mad bc we’re not even dating properly and like i’m a mess imaoooo #so dating somebody else would probably be good for her #idk i’m just saying words at this point #but anyways lol

[takeaguessbuddy]

why do so many people think animation is made specifically for little kids and why am i not allowed to talk about it :(

#like seriously it makes no sense #adults are the ones making animated stuff #why is it assumed animated movies are made with only kids in mind #kids watch fucking skibidi toilet and content farms on youtube for christs sake they’ll watch anything #if that were the case there would be no good animated movies or shows because little kids will watch anything that’s funny or colorful #there would be no animation without animators shut the fuck up and use your brain #buddy’s buzzing #vent #kinda #i’m mad because my mom who is not an animation obsessed creature like me said wish was allowed to be subpar bc it’s for kids supposedly #and then when i tried to talk she made me shut up because i was getting too excited and was stimming with my hands and she doesn’t like tha #i don’t even stim that much because i’ve been masking it all my fucking life #and you’re getting annoyed that i‘m shaking my hands because i’m excited #i just won’t talk to anyone about it ever again sorry to inconvenience you #add that to the list of reasons why i have an anxiety disorder #it’s bad to express any emotion ever #sorry i was under the impression that i could be myself around you but nope guess not

[shopcat]

a clone is not a sci-fi miracle that's inherently evil or amoral just because there's (probably) no human cloning at this moment in history oh my god... we have made clones we've been making clones for years annoying rich people clone their pets all the time. you're just making a test tube baby from the dna of one person only instead of two it's not a moral failing you're not Barely Human you're a normal human being that was cloned. they'd probably even just squirt the cloning gunk into a surrogate bc the hardest part would be growing the baby i assume. if you found out you were secretly a ROBOT you would all run into the sea I know you're just lying for real... if you're a clone you just look like some other person which happens anyway. you just have an identical twin sibling who is older than you. and anyway you can just take hrt and then you won't look like them if it really is that horrible. unless you want to be a robot because it's cool i guess but otherwise you're all so dramatic 😑 i think being a clone would be cooler anyway

#🐾 #there are test tube babies already do you go around crying about how they're not real oh my god give me a break .. #i never got this thinking i never will it's not that dramatic. and the phrasing doesn't imply anything you're just MAKING AIT #MORE DRAMATIC #''ohhh what if there's hundreds of us and they didn't tell us and we're all part of a plot'' WHY WOULD THAT HAPPEN #ARE YOU DUMB? SHUT UP #''i don't want to share dna with something else'' do you not have family... what #you have your own damn brain and personality its literally just a lab made meat body oh my god #i WISH i was a clone then i could go ask someone how they manage the hereditary issues i have #also honestly you probably wouldn't even look that alike to every single other clone if there were more ... environment changes how you #look... not even identical twins remain identical their whole lives #anyway if i found out i was secretly a robot i'd find a way to kms sorry #i already feel subhuman i don't need the confirmation ?!

[bunnyb34r]

Gonna go get a UTI sitting in the movies for 3 hours 🥰 #TreatYourselfTuesday

#marquilla #actually i regularly go 4 hrs not going bc i hate peeing at work agdgdgdggd every time i do something happens #one time someone was brushing their teeth (coworker). another a coworker LOUDLY banged on the shared wall in the stall #asked who was in there (mind you we are the only people in this bathroom. theres other stalls. we're both in stalls) and after i #answered they loudly went 'MAR I AM SO SICK OF THIS PLACE!!!' like you didnt have to know it was me 😭 #another time the maintenance lady just started cleaning the floors while i was still in the bathroom and she knew i was there #and usually when i have to go/would be getting up to go thats when maintaince does their first cleaning of the day 😭 every time #i hate using it when we're open too like god people are animals what the fuck is your problem be nice to the bathroom stop smearing poop #on the wall 😭😭😭 i wish i was kidding #anyways im gonna go to the movies again finally even though i havent long enough that my brain is like eh im over that #like no! we are gonna go and have fun! it's only $6 for 3hrs of entertainment shut up brain

[princesslink]

…

#I wish my brain would just shut the fuck up for once

[findusinaweek]

watching playthrough of Amphipolis and Brasidas’ death for.... research....reasons....and whoever played this had Alexios and Brasidas at odds with each other. Arguing about loyalty before the battle. I cannot see this as them not just fighting about loyalty to Sparta, but some slight between each other. I want to shove them in a room and give them the time to talk things out.

#When Alexios asks to prove his loyalty he has this look of desperation #and my smut brain engaged. Like no Adrian this is not the time. This is a TRAGEDY. Alexios can't just fix this by [REDACTED] #I thought we were friends? Yeah uh they are more than friends. #ONE OF THE OPTIONS IS TO SAY I AM LOYAL TO YOU instead of I am loyal to Sparta. #I don't think I've ever had this option WHAT #I AM HEARTBROKEN. MY STOMACH PHYSICALLY HURTS. I MIGHT PUKE. #also wearing the ares armor? I see we are pregaming for the post-death rage that overtakes Alexios #I always have Alexios put on that armor and just cut across Greece. #then I get sad and think this is not what Brasidas would have wanted so I restart the game. Again. #I can only finish the game as Kassandra. I become far too hopeless with Alexios. There is too much grief. #a bad day for athens a glorious day for sparta? BOY ARE YOU WRONG #its a bad day my friend #you want war? no deimos I want you to go to therapy. #I take everything so personally? Yeah I'll show you personally. #deimos my beloved #Shut the everliving fuck up #I wish they made it a possibility to choose whether to chase Kleon or to return to Brasidas side. #I wish they had made a choice where you kidnap Brasidas and he kicks and screams but lives. #you can hate me all you want my love but you will not die today #Sparta does not deserve your loyalty #ok sorry but I just had a lot of feelings for the 10000th time

[chocoenvy]

shatters your door im taking vampire reader n running w it. lil bastard vampire reader/darling/tsaritsa 📣

bc what's better then one toxic yandere partner??? TWO.

you go from a menace that does as they pleases, terrifying local villages and making a name for yourself, to a glorified pet of all things.

the tsaritsa and darling just picking you up while in the middle of no where like your a stray 😭

you try to cause problems and get them to think your too much work but they just think your escape attempts are cute. the other acolytes do not.

you are constantly causing problems for them n bullying them but they can't do anything bc your favored by Darling.

also reader constantly trying to bite darling + the tsaritsa when their being affectionate but they just think your play biting bc its like being stabbed by a wet noodle. keep doing it long enough and they'll start biting back though. gonna walk out looking like you just got mauled

also darling only letting you feed from them or the tsaritsa. they say it's bc you deserve only the best of the best, but your 99% sure it's because their blood, and the tsaritsa's to a lesser extent, makes you drowsy and docile. it's addicting too.

you managed to run away a total of once, and the moment you tried to drink any blood other then theirs, it made you sick.

so now you just angrily seethe in darlings palace while they coo about how cute it is when you pout. everything you do is cute to them. biting?? just play bites. your fangs aren't even strong enough to break their skin, and theirs are so much bigger then yours. they just find it adorable. most of all they find your blood drunken state directly after feeding adorable too. they get to pamper you and be as affectionate as they please without you biting and twisting about. if you drink darlings blood, doubly so, as you seek out affection. nuzzling into their palms and being so sweet for them..

Uh Oh this got out of hand n i wrote too much already so im cutting this short 🤸‍♂️ - eros

"cutting this short"- YOU HAVE MORE? EROS GET BACK HERE-

i've read this at least five times already and im frothing at the mouth yandere tsaritsa and darling x reader is the best ship ever bc i said so AND THROWING VAMPIRE READER INTO THE MIX TOO?? IT'S LITERALLY PERFECT

this is rotting my brain so badly i can't even put into words omfg i love this im keeping this in a locket so i can stare at it all the time and people will be like "oh is taht a picture of someone important?" "No its vampire reader x yandere tsaritsa x yandere darling- why are you looking at me like that?"

#choco.asks #*~frequent customer #i really wish i had more to add but my brain is actually rotting this is <333 #sorry i just love darling and the tsaritsa and both of them with vampire reader #im going insane :) #picking you up like you're a stray #they're such fucking menaces i love them #darling saw you and was like 'that thing is causing problems for the people of snezhnaya but they're kinda cute' #and they just fucking pick you up and you try biting at them and kicking and screaming but they just fucking laugh at your struggles #i feel tsaritsa would take some time to warm up to you and would come damn close to just knocking you out #but she grows to love you and adore messing with you #also shut up i adore the thought of the tsaritsa or darling biting at their wrist or smth so you can suck from it #bc your teeth can't break their skin #so you literally rely on them to keep you alive #because im convinced that your escape attempt was planned #and as you said darling and tsaritsa get jealous at the thought of someone else's blood on you #so i think it was planned to show you how yucky everyone else's blood is #you should just stay with them :) let them provide you with all the blood you need #and and when they start biting back i just- #tsaritsa is gentler me thinks she just nips back at you playfully (and also she'd kill you if she actually bit you) #while darling gives you NO WARNINGS you bite at them and they're biting you with the same ferocity you bit them #AND YOU SOUND LIKE A KICKED PUPPY WHEN THEY BITE YOU CAUSE GODDAMN THAT SHIT HURT #they're laughing with your blood running down their face but you're over there pouting in tears with your blood smeared everywhere #OKAY I'LL SHUT UP BYE

[opens-up-4-nobody]

God. The Terror. I could watch those wretched Englishmen suffer and die over and over and over. Forever. And I will. And I do 🖤

#i have compiled a list of every reference to god within the dialog of the show. bc im normal and i think the picture it draws is #interesting and ive written half a script to talk abt it. i just wish i knew how to edit videos. i would make so many terror edits #but i have literally no idea where to start with all that. also reading the scripts is so so so so good #like there r so many things that make more sense to me now. despite having watched the show like many many times #but then there r things where im still like. hey wtf does that mean??? hello??? what the fuck??? #i guess most of that comes from the episodes with as unreleased scripts but like the hodgson catholic church monolog like like unfathomable #to me. i mean like i think i get what theyre going for but also like i dont understand. probably bc im not actually v good at literature #analysis lol. i need someone with an less purely analitical brain with extensive terror knowledge to like double check me lol #also. fucking mr Hickey. idk what it is abt him but i truely hate him in a way that is unmatched. hes insane. murdered a man for a trip to #Hawaii and ended up freezing in the arctic for 3 years. clown behavior 🤡 #idk i just love the miniseries so so much. i was talking to my dad for a sec abt reading the scripts and he was baffled and i was like oh #yeah no one gives a fuck. shut up lol #amc the terror #terror rambling

[msdk-00]

my sleep schedule is so fucked because once again i got super sleepy and fell asleep around 8:30 so you'd think maybe id wake up like 3/4am after like 7-8 hours. no i'm awake 10:30. and i will be awake now until at least 4am i'm afraid. i cannot physically sleep before 2am anymore it seems. no matter how tired i am. why is my sleepy time like 6-9pm and after that not at all until my body is so exhausted it gives out

#melatonin did not work and neither did um magnesium and some other vitamins i took which was supposed to help but maybe if i take regularly #i fear ill have to be strict and not ever lay in my bed unless i'm about to sleep #but this means forcing myself out of bed every time i don't fall asleep within 20 mins #but my sleepy body will not want to get up #the problem isn't that my body isn't sleepy. it's that my mind does not let me sleep. #that's where the exhaustion comes in. only when my body is not just sleepy but exhausted does my brain finally shut the fuck up #i wish miss ma'am would stop thinking #time to make bedtime routine and not eat 3hrs before bed and not go on phone for hour before and workout in mornings and journal to get #thoughts out and meditate and eat healthier and do everything ever #self

[transbee]

having did and being online in any capacity is so fucking exhausting because you literally can't go anywhere without seeing the most heinous takes about your existence or validity it's like. can we be normal. can we please be normal and Chill for like two seconds.

#HEADS UP: this accidentally turned into a huge rant/vent feel free to get the hell out el oh el #i try reallly hard not to talk about it too much here because you can. offhandedly mention the mere concept of did or osdd or any #dissociative disorder and its like. people will not shut up about how its not real or how its people being delusional or kids being cringe #like. can we go. two seconds without treating people with mental disorders like a spectacle. please. you dont have to have a ''take'' on it #idk and i also avoid online did communities bc theyre the most exhausting spaces you can ever be in and theres constant fighting about #literally anything and everything. like. maybe i would like to find a space to meet other people with similar experiences to my own. #and we dont get that!! we literally cannot get that. and this goes for a lot of mental health related stuff but like my god #and im very lucky to have other people i know in real life who also have did so i can in some amount have that support system (hah.) #but it is EXHAUSTINGG that people cannot go literally a day without saying something stupid about systems #or i can be following someone for years and unprompted they will saysomething heinous thing about did and hide it behind something like #get a load of how weird and cringey kids are getting online these days. #and CHRISTT thats a whole OTHER issue i REALLY dont wanna talk about because it has its own whole set of nuances but like jeeeesus #is it really so hard for people to grasp that brains when exposed to traumas at a young age will be affected by it in weird ways. #idk man ive been seeing a lot of offhanded disregard for systems recently and it's so normalized and it's starting to get to me i guess #i wish people could just go well this is something i dont understand and dont need to have an opinion on and move on with their lives. #what the hell ever this is all to say having did has impacted my life in a lot of complicated and intricate and hard to explain ways and it #sometimes painful and awful but other times is an incredible experience and ALSO. most IMPORTANTLY ! #i should be able to make jokes about BEING FRIENDS with SHADOW THE HEDGEHOG!! in REAL LIFE!!! #and not have to deal with SUICIDE BAIT IN MY INBOXX BECAUSE OF IT!!! #WHATEVERRR !!! RANT OVARRR I HAVE NOODLES TO MAKE AND EAT #.... WITH my friend SHADOW!!! #.txt #and btw this isnt about anyone ik here so dont worry im not upset with any mutuals etc etc and all that. #in fact i love getting the chance to chat about it n it can be fun to teach stuff to people who know how to like...be normal about it LOL #<3

[iridescentspacewhale]

hah

#really just mentally unwell right now i think i might say and do things i regret i feel so awful and sad and upset and i know my brain is #messinf with me idk if its my meds or just my disorders fuckings wirh me #really life is sure somethinf #i keep thinking about suicide and its something i dont wwant to be thinking about especially right now but my brain its just #its just controlling me and idk how to stop i feel like i need to talk about this with people but i feel like i have 1 or 2 people i can #talk to that wont see me as a freak but also i dont want to put everything on them #but also who do i talk to i know it will help me to talk but i also know using socials as a diary isnt good but its always what i have done #i also know some mutuals probably wish i would shut the fuck up and i shoukd i really should hah #idk its my blog who cares but also i scared of upsetting people and talkinf about wanting to kys upsets people #idk whats goinf on im sorry #if you read all this lol hi

[toribookworm22]

Alright, so because I'm still a little jittery and anxious about posting 1D etc. things, I've decided I'm just gonna post fics and fic recs. That way it's all still writeblr stuff and my brain will stop throwing a fit, right? Right.

#post schedule #seriously i wish my brain would shut up #i am an adult #this is my blog #i can do whatever the hell i want #im gonna post 1d stuff and my brain is just gonna have to get over it mkay? #mkay brain? #wow i really need to get my mental state together before classes start #i also need sleep if you couldnt tell 🙃

[bo0zey]

mentally ILL?? more like mentally LLIving my best life😎😎😎😎

#it’s LLIt out here!!!!!!!!!!!!!! -me taking my meds again after being off them against my psychiatrist’s wishes #my friend gave me a berry immune drink packet mix it tastes like how those flintstone vitamins tasted from childhood #i’m trying not to let that thought enter my brain tho bc it makes me wanna puke but like i wanna drink the drink i think sooo….. #idk y i keep forcing myself to eat n drink stinky not good tasting things #it’s bc i have like no food lol or like no food i wanna eat smh but i am such a snacker #how am i a snacker w no snacks……MAKE IT MAKE SENSE🙄 #anyways idk why i’m talking abt this #i just realized i haven’t taken my meds yet today hmmm i woke up at 4:30am so i was trying to like wait until the actual day started #i’m gonna take them w that nasty gross drink beverage mmmm 😋 #shut up cianna #edit: just tried drinking the drink i can’t do it it’s literally like someone took those flintstone vitamins crushed em up into a powder #then said directions add water and i’m pissed bc i just wasted some #britta filter water on that nasty packet #oh well i’m dumping it out idc i would literally rather drink regular water than that dusty chalk fake berry shit ugh