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agent-8449 · 6 months

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Agent Logos CJverse chatroom summary.... REAL!!!!

Clears throat. This may be a long post, be warned. Actually, yeah. Bwoink.

The OG AU: Voice of Reason

Whole: Dead as fuck. Sort of. Way before the events of the comic, their Whole 'died'. We refer to not-dead Whole OOCly as 'Hope', but he also sort of exists afterwards as a figment of himself-- the 'shadow' called Cast. Cast can only speak in song lyrics, and currently resides in... the TMAverse, as a cursed item. Woaw.

Heart: Would kill you if you called him Heart. Ozzy/Oz/Ozymandias is a real piece of work. Sourceless guilt incarnate, magically influenced by a cursed mirror to eat it, in a symbolic attempt to erase himself. He's so chill. So fine. So cool. Definitely not so close to collapsing at all times. Got glasses though.

Mind: Tinker/Ulysses. So violently soggy, but hides it under his inexplicable British accent and polite demeanour. Made the transmitters that allow Thirds to traverse between their Surrealities. He half-regrets this. The only one of the three fully aware that Cast is an actual sentient guy. Hid his Soul's trident in his hand after the comic, and so that hole is very much still there <he's 'fixing' it atm...>

Soul: Coda. Coba. Coba Cola. What a disaster. After the comic, it <he/it> was kept in his room as much as possible. Then Oz left, and he completely lost it. It was a big storyline, so feel free to ask about it. Coda is really fun because he's not sane

Me-only AU 2: The Negatives

Whole: Eris... also known as Chase. The Negatives are a sort of "reversal of personality". Eris is a shitty content farm-making YouTuber, and generally hates this too. He also has to deal with the Cold War he sort of constructed with his own Thirds. He remembers what his Thirds do, which is good because he split <past tense> often... like. Every day. They called it 'shifts'. Yeah.

Heart: Phobos, ahhhhh my horrible boy Phobos. Personification of egoism, self-aggrandization, imagination, and intrusive thoughts. Green. Mean. A bitch and a half. Generally sadistic. The de-facto leader of the Negative Thirds. Wears crocs. Idolises Whole.

Mind: Deimos. That is all. Personification of logic, reasoning, and thinking ahead. He is also an absolute goon and pushover. All too happy to be Phobos' lackey.

Soul: Nemesis, though he hates that nickname. Personification of 'cringe culture', self-doubt, second-hand embarassment, and critical thinking. Basically ignored by the other two. Does all the work in the Vessel. Clinically annoyed by everything all the time. Very spiteful.

ASSORTED GUYS <from co-op AUs>:

Allen: Soul from Voib, Andy, Shade and I's AI AU, also known as Reification Initiative: Apotheosis. Yeah I came up with that. My bad. Allen is shitty. So very shitty. Ran away. That's all I can say for now.

Valentine: Heart from WAAAILSSSSSS IT'S ONLY ME BUT HIS COUNTERPARTS ARE ALL DEAAAAD. The Bachelor AU, a 'Lonely' AU. He is trying to live his life now that he fucked up and he's alone. He committed arson. He has to go to government-mandated therapy. He is beloved.

Nyx: Whole from Xanadu AU. Haven't done much with him, but he's in space, and he's an idiot.

Vlinder: :>

Thyme: Mind from the Aonaran/Apocalypse AU. The world ended. It be like that sometimes. And the stress got to their Whole. Thyme killed multiple people.

Pursuit: Heart (2) from Voib's Labyrinths AU. He is big kitty cat lad. Does eat people. Tries to maintain the status quo. Genuinely satisfied with the state of things.

Magna: Mind from Demersal AU. Basically, he got pitted instead of Heart for being a delusional little shit. He did not get any less delusional. Conspiracy nut, drowning 1/4th of the time, and generally horrible person.

Brevity: Soul from Voib and I's Syncopation AU. Olde Mann. No legs, they froze off. He is not mentally well at all, but he's got to keep it together if he wants to continue being 'him'.

Crawl: Heart from the Asides AU. Fourth-wall breaking eldritch horror. Collector of things. Collector of extinct things. Full name 'Crawl of the Horizon'.

"Quinn": Soul from Good Day. Very new AU with me, Voib, Q-ott, and Ledge <@/nitroish>. Meant to be close to album guys. He's denying his halves exist and matter atm.

There you go! Not including the alternate timelines because jesus christ

#GASPS FOR BREATH #cjverse chatroom #voice of reason

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dzpenumbra · 1 year

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3/16/23

It's 4:15 AM. I just got done with my stream. I started streaming around 11:30ish, I was planning on just doing a quick little stream I guess. "Quick little Rimworld stream." Riiiiiiiiiight...

People... showed up. I got 3 new followers! Some dude came by and chatted and I introduced him to Rimworld and gave him the lowdown, it was really nice connecting a new person to the game. And a guy from my past, from literally a past life (different username, back when I'd get really high and play Wreckingball in Overwatch QuickPlays), he dropped in and reconnected. Literal fucking strangers from 4 years ago dropped by my stream and my "friends", shit... my own brother who also games... wouldn't. I guess that's why they're... ex-friends, eh? Enough mourning that shit, I'll save my grief for those who actually wanted to spend time with me.

Today was just... super different. A very different vibe to it. Like light was shining into my life. Like... I had this golden light pouring into my apartment in my preview cam on Betterhelp today, and it caught my eye. And that feels very symbolic of my day. My new desk came today. It is really cool, it's electric and it saves certain heights, so I can press a button and switch it from sitting desk to standing desk. Super fucking fancy, big thanks to my mom for splurging on that one as a christmas gift that literally just got here. I spent most of the day putting it together and relocating my computer. It's weird having the whole desktop tower sitting on top of the table, but I think I really need to do that... because I don't know how I'm going to have the cables rigged if it's on the floor... so it can still adjust, you know? I don't know, it works for now, that's the important part.

In therapy, I talked about grief. About how I haven't really had the opportunity to grieve my cat the way I grieved my dog, no one to really process it with. And those around me haven't really treated it with the same delicate nature they did when Cerry passed. People near me were thoughtful and gentle then. This time, not so much. At least it feels that way.

I tried to communicate that... like... I haven't really let myself engage with the loss feelings as much with Max. Which sucks. I'm just... very geographically far away from anyone who might even pat me on the back, you know? And it's hard to be emotionally vulnerable in that way... even with myself... when comfort is not available if the grief gets too deep. Like existential-freakout-deep. Maybe I'm reading into that too much. That, in itself, feels like a PTSD response. And I think it is.

This whole "I can't let myself feel sad unless I have someone around to comfort me" thing. Why? Because of Spring/Summer 2019. When I didn't give a fuck. When I didn't let Fear make decisions for me. When I made a blood oath with myself in my Zen garden to never let Fear make decisions on my behalf ever again. And then Fear consumed me, like I challenge the God of Fear himself. Ironically, Phobos is the greek god of Fear/Panic... accompanying his brother Deimos, god of Terror/Dread. Both moons of Mars, and sons of Ares, the god of War. Perfectly natural that both anticipatory dread and frenzied panic would be born of war. And, interestingly enough, I was going to name Maxine "Phobos". That was initially going to be her name, when I originally got her... until I decided it was a bit too dark, and not really fitting to name such a friendly and confident cat as her after Fear itself. I came up with Max as a backup, which just fit a bit better. Then, when the vet gave me an impromptu gender reveal... the name was going to change to "Phoebe", but the name just didn't fit either. And when the vet asked what to put on her records? We went with Maxine, and it was kinda serendipitous that my backup name happened to be androgynous.

I am seeing very clearly now why there are two gods there - panic and terror. They are different feelings, aren't they? Panic being like... being on a battlefield and needing to flee. And terror/dread being... impending doom, anticipation, the unknown, something lurking outside your door. And I have definitely gotten a healthy dialogue going with Phobos. For a while now. And I can stare that fucker in the eyes and have a chat with him now. Much better than before. But Deimos and I, on the other hand...

It seems like that's really my problem. It's not that I'm in the middle of a freak out right now and I want to run the fuck away. It's that I'm scared of putting myself in that situation... and not having the proper tools... or having it go very wrong. And I don't even have a clear image of what "wrong" looks like there. What... I get really sad and my heart feels like a black hole and I cry uncontrollably and I just want someone to hold me and reminisce on how cool of a cat she was... and how hard it was to see her suffer so much... and... there's just no one available to do that with? Like... that's right now. I literally just did that... and the world didn't end... Why the fuck am I so scared of it? Why will I avoid grieving... just to avoid acknowledging that I am forced to grieve alone? That I have no choice but to grieve alone.

I guess it's avoiding that reality.

I connected that intuitively to 2019, that was when I still had a friend or two in the bank. Or at least the losses were very fresh, at least it felt like I had friends in my back pocket. By the end of that summer, I had run through them all. I reached out AA-style to literally everyone. My good friend I met through Minecraft, who I was Best Man for. My college friend who I was also groomsman for. My former best friend in college, whose daughter I was godfather to. Her husband, who I was better friends with than I was with her... My ex-girlfriend from college, the only one I ever really - I typed "loved" and deleted it, I don't think it was love, it was very intense infatuation. Love is mutual. My former best friend from highschool, who was a deadbeat mom of 5 working at an audio company that catered concerts and shit, living with a boyfriend she was clearly using to pay her rent for her while she spent all her cash buying cocaine and fucking local wannabe rappers. (Don't worry, things worked out great with that plan, last time I saw her she was homeless, lost like 100 lbs and was being summoned to court on charges of accessory to trafficking fentanyl across state lines). I even reached out to my old bandmate in college, who used to be my actual best friend... who blew me off time and time again, and that time was no exception. I mean, I reached out to everyone. I even reached out to my most recent ex, at that point, it was probably about 6 months that we had been broken up and she still lived in the same small town. Everyone.

And I struck out.

So... that fucked me up. My panic and dread went haywire after that. Because I learned first-hand that if something bad happened, if I needed a friend, anything... no one was coming. It was a weird transition. It used to be "I don't want to bother them", or "they've got enough going on". Now? Uh-uh. Nope. That anxiety of "shit is hitting the fan, you need to call someone"... that number is getting dialed. Only... there's no number to dial! XD

So yeah. I guess that's a complicated emotion to engage with. And it makes me avoid really big, difficult things... because I know at a very intuitive level that if something goes wrong, I'm on my own. And that's risky. Like... detoxing off of meds. I would actually keep myself on meds I hated, that I really wanted to be off of... just so I could buy time to get someone into my life to create a safe environment for me to detox off. Not just physically, but emotionally. I would just... not detox... rather than detox alone and risk my life or my sanity. Because I've had it go bad before.

But with this... I just... I can't. I have to let myself go there. Like... the dream journal the other day. I hate recording nightmares in a dream journal. I have to make myself do it. I have to force my hand over to grab it and start writing. I want nothing more than to just forget it. But those are the most important dreams. And I keep... forgetting that. I keep forgetting that really important lesson. The dreams you want to forget, that repulse you and make you feel really uncomfortable and disturbed. They're the most important. Maybe not literally, but in their message. Emotions themselves are not bad. They are just different degrees of feeling. Anger is not innately bad. Fear is not innately bad. Depression... well... we're not gonna talk about that one, that's the exception, the rule applies to the rest of it! Grief is not bad. It's what you do with it that determines whether it becomes something harmful or helpful.

And I think I've been stuffing my grief down. And avoiding it. And waiting for a person who isn't coming to process it, to engage with it, to talk about it. And... that is never healthy. Repression is never healthy. Fighting yourself is never healthy. My self looks at the bathmat where my cat was hiding in her last days, and remembers her, and wrenches my heart. My self sees the particles of litter on the banjo case next to my desk that she loved to sit on when I was gaming. And when I see those things, and feel the pain and loss that comes with it... I turn away and say "not now". "I can deal with that feeling later." But there has been no "later" for over a month, nearly a month and a half now. There was no later. I guess... later is now.

And I'll tell ya. It's not that bad. The initial shock of it is kinda the worst part. And I really hate that I'm running from her memory like this, it feels so fucking unfair to her.

Like... picture a ghost movie, right? I fucking love this analogy because it's so accessible. Any ghost movie, take your pick, but like... a true "lost soul" haunted house ghost movie. It's always someone who died unexpectedly or of tragic means. It's rarely granny who passed peacefully in her sleep. They are usually trying to communicate, and really frustrated that they can't. They don't even know they're dead half the time. They're like... stuck in time. And these memories, these visceral memories of my cat on the bathmat and on the banjo case, and sitting in her cat tree. They are my ghosts of her... er... her ghost to me? And they are trying to communicate with me, to interact with me, to engage my memory. The spirit of my cat. The essence, the memory, the remainder. And what do I do with that memory? I reject it. How fucking cruel of me. That poor girl suffered so fucking much, and I reject her memory?! -_- I feel selfish.

I hope I can just... remember. Remember that the first bit is the worst part. That you have to ride that memory roller coaster, and make sure it covers the good memories too. Don't just cling to the trauma memory, or block out all memory to spare the difficult ones. Erasing one's existence is... kinda overkill, and kinda not something kind to do to one that you love. I think, at least. So... I hope to, eventually, get to the point where I can look at the bathmat and go "that's where she hid when she was about to die... but also where she would prepare to jump up on the sink to get water, and where she'd rub up against me when I was brushing my teeth, and sit in the sink waiting for me to turn it on, which she did since she was a tiny little kitten." And that first memory will be painful, but it's isn't the end-all be-all of the thought pattern, it's the entryway to a beautiful tapestry of memories. An access point to her whole story. Not just the tragic end.

Deeply overdue for a vibe reset. The Rimworld playthrough is getting really good. The story is forming itself in really miraculous ways, as only Rimworld can. And I've already impressed several new people with my storytelling, it meant a lot to me. Like... someone told me they could see it as an "actual sci-fi story" that I was writing, which... I mean, technically I'm co-writing, but... like... that's exactly what I'm doing in front of you, bud! XD Good read! It's always very heartwarming and confidence boosting to have someone openly appreciate your skill set. Hopefully it engaged them enough that they return!

I'm going to go to bed, it's past 5 now. I'd say worth it.

#diary #journal #online journal #stream of consciousness #stream of thoughts

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