#I just wanna be healthy again

[abandoned-as-mustard]

Human body is so stupid because things like 'injuries that happen while compensating for another injury' is shit that keeps on happening

#myotherapist says my back is tight now :))))) #this started in one leg :)))))))))) #It's now in both legs too :)))))))))))))))))) #everything hurts :))))))))))))))))))))) #i just wanna be healthy again #area im pet sitting in has some good streets for potential skating #:// #why is this happening #God what's the reason #mustard whinges

[allieisacrybaby]

i’m literally gonna go to bed so early

#being sick is the worst #i just wanna be healthy again #whomp whomp #not gvf #personal

[wifebunnya]

To the 0.5 people and porn bots following me

I have been really sick and not been able to make the art The next art will be nnsg fan art again

#I just wanna be healthy again

[cyber--grrl]

trying really hard not to be angry about getting covid and ngl kinda failing

#text #i wear my mask and keep my distance as much as i can and all it took was one person deciding my health is an inconvenience to him #literally one person not wearing a mask was all it took #im really tired fatigued and bored and thats the perfect recipe for Emmy Rage so im trying really hard to find things to distract myself #i just wanna be healthy again #neon.txt

[corpsentry]

a love like burning

#my art #my stuff #art #comics #comic #original art #WOAH i have nothing to tag for this since it's just mine!!!! so cool #revolutionary concept even #already went ham in the instagram caption (@ corpsentry same username) so i dont rlly wanna ham again #i would prefer to Tofu Based Substitute in the words of the ideological west #tofu is really just its own thing i dont know why theyre obsessed with making it a Healthy Vegan Food #your Mom is vegan shut the fuck up karen #anyway . we will do a shortened version of it #i am from a place and community and society wherein being vaguely unintentionally homophobic Is the norm #i am also Gay #what this means is if i cut off everyone who was even a little in disagreement with my identity i would have like 1 person left in my life #and that kinda fuckin sucks. but i also love them. my grandma is cool af #And So. we Carry These Contradictions In Us And We Keep Peeing or whatever #ill leave you folks now adoo adeu adobe acrobat etc #its summer im drawing again! thats right baby #bye #updating this to say if you’re not from southeast asia and you call this hypocritical in any way ill cleave your ass in half with my tongue

[cerise-on-top]

Got any Farah, Valeria, & Laswell hcs? Anything, really- I'm dying for my girls 🤲🤲🤲

Hello! Yeah, I was able to come up with a few! I already wrote a few for Valeria here! Somehow, I forgot to put them in my masterlist, though, which I have since fixed! Thank you for making me aware of this, though :-) These are general Headcanons, though, since I had an easier time coming up with those and because you didn't specify, I hope that's okay!

Valeria, Farah and Laswell HCs

Valeria: She’s always had quite the temper, even when she was young. While she may not have been spoiled to hell and back as a child, she usually got what she wanted, as long as it wasn’t something extraordinarily big, her parents always took care of her like that. Valeria loved her mother, they got along very well with each other, and she also took after her, having inherited her personality for the most part. Her father was a bit calmer than the two of them, but that didn’t mean they didn’t get along either. Whereas her mother would encourage her to do most things, her father would try to talk sense into her if it was a bad idea. She often sulked because of it, which is why she didn’t like her father as much as her mother, but as she got older she realized he meant well. Sometimes she still thinks about his advice, but the both of them died a long time ago, so most things they’ve told her are a distant memory by now. Valeria may be successful with what she’s doing and doesn’t like being told what to do, but sometimes she does wish she could still eat some sweets with her parents like she used to.

Joining the military actually wasn’t her first choice of career. She tried many places, but no one would take her, so she opted for the military, which welcomed her with open arms. She got paid. Not well, but she received the money, which was important since her parents couldn’t leave her with too much. They didn’t have very much either, so there wasn’t much to be inherited. Because she’s a woman, a few creeps tried to harass her, but she had none of it and beat all three of them up herself and on her own. Ever since that incident she wasn’t a big fan of the military either, but no other place would take her. However, it showed just how capable she was and earned her a lot of respect. A few other men would try to make advances towards her, but she shot them down every time. However, whenever another female soldier would jokingly flirt with her, that’s when she’d give it her all, making it her goal to fluster her beyond all hell. She’s spent a few evenings and nights with a few female soldiers, but was always willing to rip a male soldier’s dick off if he was being too friendly with her. During her time as a soldier she also realized that she preferred women.

She didn’t always hate Alejandro, actually. Back in the day, they got along very well. He was a man, yes, but he had enough respect for her. It wasn’t a given, even if it should have been, but she appreciated it. Whenever they sparred he gave it his all as well and never looked down on her. In his eyes, the two of them were equals and it showed. Valeria could appreciate that. She liked him, she spent a night with him but realized she hated that sort of stuff with men. He was the final realization for her that Valeria does not like men. It didn’t make her hate him at first, though. Only when he insisted on the two of them being a thing did she develop some form of disdain for him. Once she told him that she could never feel the same way, he stopped. However, he also started treating her a bit differently since he was in love with her. As he rose in ranks, he was a bit harsher on her than the other soldiers, usually dissatisfied with anything she did. He didn’t even notice that, but Valeria did. Therefore he became just another scum to her.

Farah: Before her town got attacked, she actually had a pretty happy childhood. She was sweet and kind as a kid, she got along well with her parents and her brother and she had a few close friends. Farah loved going outside to play, sometimes even inviting her parents to make potions with her in a bucket filled with water, sand and rocks. Her parents were always afraid of the Russians invading and tried to keep their children safe regardless of what happened, but in the end they were unable to. It hit Farah pretty hard, she loved her parents. Even now she misses them dearly since they always took such good care of her and her brother. At least she still had her brother. Farah knew she was the younger one out of the two of them, so she likely should have been the one to be protected, but once her town got attacked she became determined to make sure her brother would stay with her. Drastic times called for drastic measures, so she actually has killed people just so her brother could stay alive. It was around that time that other people realized how she was a very caring person still and could be trusted. Slowly, through that realization, she was able to gather a small force that could help her.

Farah is a pretty good leader. The people she works with adore her because, under that rough exterior, she’s still a good person. All her brothers and sisters know she can be trusted with just about anything. She rarely ever says no upon hearing a request of one of her people, knowing fully well what it’s like to need something. As she’s been through a lot herself, she always has an open ear for her brothers and sisters. While there’s not always time to listen to everyone’s concerns, if she does have time she’ll listen to you intently. Farah knows a lot more about her people than she lets on, that ranges from how the latest battle has gone to how her sister’s family is doing. She’s never one to turn down someone in need, always offering food and shelter. I know she may seem stern, because she has to be in order to be a good leader, but deep down she’s still the same kind girl that she’s always been. Her people would give up just about anything for her, and they do. One day, Farah dreams, Urzikstan will be free, it will be safe and it will prosper, its people won’t have anything to fear anymore. Trade will continue, the people will be happy and she can finally lay down her weary head and rest for a bit. But until then, she swore she’ll fight and fight until everything is finally over.

She’s never actually been in love. When she had the chance to develop a crush she was too young. Now that she’s older she doesn’t have time for anything lovey dovey in the slightest. Alex was the first person she ever developed a crush on. He may have seemed like an enemy at first, but it quickly enough became evident that that couldn’t be further from the truth. He was a good man, someone who could be trusted no matter what. He was loyal to a fault as well, which Farah could appreciate. However, she never told him, swallowing her feelings down instead no matter how intense they became. Yet, she sort of did always look forward to his small gestures of affection. Alex is a physically affectionate guy, so he’d sometimes pat her shoulder, put a hand on her shoulder or gently bump her arm to show he liked her. Farah is severely touch starved, so it made for a good combination. One time, he asked if she would like a hug, to which she said yes. To this day, Farah thinks about that hug since it was the first one she had received in seven or eight years. It may not have seemed like she was swayed at the time, but she was very content afterwards.

Laswell: Laswell’s parents didn’t really care too much for her. Don’t get me wrong, they provided for her physical needs, but they barely looked after her in any other regard, thinking she was happy because she had everything she could ever need. Laswell may have been strong because of it, even then, but she did wish her parents had cared more about other things as well, such as how she was doing emotionally. There were quite a few things that hurt her during her childhood, but she barely had anyone who would support her during her rough times. Her parents only ever wanted to see her happy and content, but barely made any effort to actually keep her as such. Laswell knew fairly early on that she was a lesbian and did come out to her parents, but that’s all that happened. It was never discussed again afterwards, even if her father would sometimes say that she would “find the right guy eventually” while talking to other people. Laswell has called him out on it numerous times, but he always made it about him and how he was the victim for saying something that made his daughter uncomfortable. Laswell didn’t stay in contact with her parents for very long once she moved out.

Even back when she was a child, Laswell knew she wanted to do something more exciting than be a hairdresser, waitress or cook. She wanted to do something with plenty of action, but at the same time she wanted to study and go to university. And thus she combined her wishes and started going to university at first. Afterwards, sometime in her twenties, she started to work for the CIA. She wasn’t treated with very much respect there at first, being a woman working there and all. But she didn’t let that disrespect get her down. In fact, on the outside, she stayed professional, but on the inside she took mental notes on who treated her badly and who didn’t. It soon enough became evident that Laswell knew what she was doing, even if her master’s degree should have been proof enough that there was some intelligence in that noggin of hers. However, soon enough she was transferred. In fact, she was transferred many times before she became a station chief, but it only showed just how competent she was in her field. Laswell has since saved thousands of lives and is proud of it. To her, such a thing is her calling and she wants to continue doing so for as long as she can, all the dangers be damned.

Laswell adores her wife. In fact, “Laswell” isn’t her original last name, she took that of her wife. At first they played with the idea of combining their names, but Laswell wanted fairly little to do with her parents at that point. Plus she wanted to show her father that she never “found the right guy”. So her being named Laswell is purely out of spite. While she may not be at home all the time, or very often, for that matter, she makes sure to bring her wife a gift every time she comes home. It can be something small, such as a souvenir she found while she was abroad, or it could be something along the lines of a golden ring that unfolds into an astronomical sphere. She needs to pamper her wife like that and make sure she knows Laswell loves her to the moon and back. Money isn’t an issue for her, she gets paid very well. Even if the biggest reward for her doing what she does is seeing her wife smile. Every time she sees her give her a big smile she’s reminded of why she does what she does, and that’s the most wonderful thing for her. Even so, not many people know about Laswell’s wife, only a select few do. It’s a safety measure since she knows people will target her. Although she’s a diplomatic kind of person, if anyone ever were to hurt her wife, then that person can be certain they’ll never walk freely among the sunlight again.

#cod #valeria garza #farah karim #kate laswell #if it was up to me I'd make Valeria and Laswell lesbians. and so I did because this is my blog #and because I wanna kiss them and cook them a nice and healthy meal that reminds them of me! I can't cook to save my life but I'll learn ho #Farah is into Alex so she isn't a lesbian in my book! #“a gay person's straight ship is the most powerful thing in the universe” #you can't tell me Alex wouldn't treat Farah right though! she deserves a guy like him who's hopelessly in love with her #sometimes I think about a poly relationship with the two of them because I love both of these characters dearly #just think about it: being hugged by two strong people at once! what's not to love about this concept? #cooking them a meal and receiving a kiss from the both of them oh god please someone wife me up already #Alex would get all three of you something cute and matching! like plushies! #he'd get a nice dog plushie. Farah gets a cat plushie. you get a plushie of an animal that reminds you of him that's still cute! #like a small bunny or a small birdie! #and just so you know both of them are good at hugging! they're both really strong and good at making you feel protected! #man I love Farah and Alex! they're such good characters! Alex was the first character I truly liked when watching MW1 #I was so sad to see he wasn't in mw2 but!!! he's in MW3!!! My boy is back in business! #can I also just mention that you can play as Farah in MW3? isn't that also just so cool? again I squealed! #I squealed every time at the cafe I stayed at when I saw you could play as one of the girls! good thinking activision!

[the-somwthing]

Welcome to my little meta analysis essay called

Why do we misremember Flower Husbands as being “nicer” than it was?

Disclaimer: I’m not here to talk about whether or not FH is “toxic” or anything like that. It’s just a fact that many old fans rewatching FH POV and new fans who are watching it for the first time after seeing fan content tend to be surprised at how they actually behaved in the series compared to how everyone remembered them being back in the day. This will NOT go over whether or not I think FH is unhealthy or whatever and instead just discuss why I believe this phenomenon has happened.

So, if I try to make this a fancy well written essay, I’ll be here all day, so I’ll just get to the point. 3rd Life came out during the DSMP era of mcyt. MCRP has been around for ages, but the DSMP style of RP (which I’ll be calling “smp rp”) was pretty much popularized by DSMP, mostly towards the end of 2020. For reference, 3rd Life started early 2021, so there’s about a half a year between these two events, and DSMP kept going for years so 3rd Life was absolutely happening during the golden era of DSMP.

But what does DSMP have to do with this? Well, it sort of created this idea of “lore” and only specific things being “canon”. You can make fun of me for the way I worded that, but you know what I mean, DSMP was weird about that stuff. I don’t really blame them as it was kind of a new style of RP they accidentally spawned, but still, it was a confusing time for SMPs.

3rd Life was actually less like DSMP and more like the modern SMP RPs, where there’s no (known, lol) scripted events and the fandom itself deciphers what is or isn’t “canon” rather than it being told to them, with mostly everything being considered canon. HOWEVER, I do believe that DSMP’s style did still affect the fandom, specifically with the topic of this essay, Flower Husbands.

But why would it only really affect Flower Husbands? Now we get into a rough topic: shipping discourse. Back in those days, shipping in the mcyt fandom was heavily frowned upon. Moreso than it is today (I know it’s still around, but it was a lot worse the earlier we go lol). I’ve even seen old relics of ppl saying flower husbands should only be portrayed as platonic cuz it’s wrong to ship them, despite their team name literally being husbands. But more importantly, for A LOT of people, flower husbands was the One Ship people felt “allowed” to ship, BECAUSE it was canon. So they would allow FH and shun every other ship.

My point isn’t actually that, with it being the only “acceptable” ship everyone tried to make it more wholesome, though I suppose that could be a contributor. But my ACTUAL point is where all the things I laid out finally close in on each other:

Ships were a Dangerous territory in mcyt fandom, and ships being “canon” was something a lot of people weren’t prepared to deal with. People don’t want to get too close to RPF territory, but back in the day their ideas of c! vs cc! wasn’t as great, so they default to the DSMP Rule of “if it’s stated to be roleplay, then it’s canon to the characters, if not, it’s noncanon and just the CCs hanging out”.

You see where I’m going with this? When trying to follow this rule for a character relationship where they don’t explicitly state what is or isn’t RP, they hear “we’re married” and instantly mark that as canon to the characters since it clearly isn’t true to the CCs, and tend to block out anything else, otherwise you’re risking it not actually being true to the characters. Especially when it’s things like Scott saying something mean about Jimmy; that directly contradicts the “these characters are in love” thing, so it must not be canon, right?

But wouldn’t people still remember that these things happened, or did they actually straight up not process any of it? My answer to that is: of course everyone was paying attention, but with the context that it’s the CCs playing a video game, all of the teasing and other behavior seems WAY less serious. It just looks like average friends playing a hunger games smp together. And as I explained earlier, the fandom was ONLY processing this as a CC thing, so Scott’s treatment of Jimmy never stood out because that’s just how it is playing games.

Back to DSMP, I’m not active in that fandom anymore but I’ll see snippets sometimes, and I’ve seen the claim that beeduo was actually boring in canon and the fandom was the one that made it interesting. I feel like this is exactly what happened with FH. Nobody was actually expecting anyone to go hard into romantic roleplay, so the fans just take whichever pair says they’re getting married and fill in the blanks themselves. And that was normal back then, it wasn’t fans making stuff up for no reason, it was kind of expected of us.

So yeah, I personally believe that this whole confusion about FH is a result of its time. Whether you want to finally look at the actual substance of the relationship rather than following weird rules about what is or isn’t “canon”, or you believe that since FH was from a time where romantic RP was confusing and weird it would make the most sense to take into account the time period it came from and ignore the less appealing bits in favor of the fanon, I don’t really care honestly. But man isn’t this an interesting situation.

#trafficblr #life series #flower husbands #again this is NOT about whether or not FH is healthy. it’s only about the meta. #if you want to ask me my honest opinions on if FH is toxic you can ask but not on this post lol. #I do stand by my last paragraph that I honestly couldn’t care less if some fans choose to ignore canon due to the time period #tho I personally lean more towards ‘maybe now we should ACTUALLY look at what happened’ #I still think ppl have a right to focus more on the fanon. cuz that’s just how weird FH was. but I wanna focus on the canon personally. #this all sort of just comes back around to that ‘what is or isn’t canon is entirely different depending on who you ask’ #it’s usually pretty decently consistent what ppl consider canon or noncanon but FH was stuck in a weird situation so it’s the exception #like I said in an old post that still gets notes. regardless of ur opinion on FH it had to break thru so many walls for us and we should #thank it. the fandom would’ve PROBABLY made it to this point EVENTUALLY but without FH it would’ve been harder. thank u FH ur so weird.

[skrunksthatwunk]

aurghhh ok still rewatching '97 and the way guts and casca only have the room to breathe and really come to understand and care for each other in griffith's absence because he has such a strong hold over them both.... and the way their mutual dedication to him is what causes them to bicker for years (casca thinks he's not serving him well enough, guts thinks she doesn't get that he cares/how much he cares, casca's jealousy over griffith's feelings for guts, how he won his heart without even trying or being aware of it or doing anything with it) and is also a big part of what brings them together (earlier when guts deviates from the plan to save griffith and she commends him, in the cave casca opening up about griffith and her's past, showing that vulnerability, while it's mostly confrontational, leads to guts kinda getting her better, and his efforts to save and protect her (falling off the cliff with her, taking on the 100 men so she can escape, encouraging her to return to griffith so she can help him because it's what she feels she's meant to do (her dream, the direction in life guts shares and yet is questioning because of griffith's speech at the fountain, whether or not it's enough to serve him if it means he'll never be a true friend in griffith's eyes because he's not an equal), supporting the idea of her being with griffith/being his most important person like he won't because he doesn't view it as a competition like she has been since day one) leading to her realizing that he's kind of not that bad a guy and they have a lot more in common that she thought. and how the bonfire of dreams conversation is guts opening up to her in kind, the answer to her talking about how griffith saved her, how she feels. how neither of them ever call it love but it's something they know they both have for griffith. how it's something they're beginning to have for each other, different in ways they couldn't put a word to. because they're equals this time. the way griffith kind of becomes less and less important as they find other reasons to live and fight, as they become less singularly obsessed with him. how griffith is unable to stand it, guts' personhood, that agency and peer-to-peer equality he claimed to want (and perhaps truly did) that disappeared guts from his life, his plans, his side. how it barely even matters to griffith how casca changes because he never wanted her like she wanted him. god i can't fucking stand their shakespearean nonsense drama (<- hopelessly in love with their interpersonal dynamics)

#god they're the only healthy part of this unholy mind-palace love triangle/throuple aren't they #they could have been the worst qpr/throuple in your social circle. like just insufferable when they're not getting along #if griffith hadn't [oh god oh fuck oh jesus christ] all over everything even remotely good in his life anyway #poor casca's in love with a gay man and then falls for his not-quite-boyfriend and when not-quite-boyfriend reciprocates said gay man fucki #g. Does The Eclipse Stuff. at least partially to get back at you two. oh my godd #i'm sorry i'm so not normal about them. it's starting to leak out into the blog bc i'm finally having a Berserk Moment since starting tumbl #but whewwwww. gotta get this outta my system #hope this wall of text makes sense oops <3 #berserk #berserk 1997 #how do i even tag their thang. their disastrous just horrible agonizing 3 guy dynamic. hm. #gutsca #griffguts #don't even know if anyone tags for griffith and casca. fair because 1) he raped her. yikes 2) he just straight up isn't into her #and i don't know if there's a tag for the three of them but trial and error led to nothing #but i wanna talk about their dynamic. their. (gestures wildly) whatever. it's not about thinking griffith should kiss anyone it's about lik #the agony. the pining and the torment and whatever miura so beautifully crafted for me specifically. sheesh #hope it's clear that i Don't Want Them To Be An Uwu Little Polycule Bc Casca Should Not Be In A Cutesy Throuple With Her Rapist #it's more that i think they kind of are or almost are part of this (gestures wildly again). Thing. with each other and i wanna talk about i #same with griffguts like oh man they should NOT be in a relationship. but i have this deep intense Need to study them and frankly they're #kind of crazy about each other for a while. like they care about each other so so much it's crucial to all three of their characters. #so it's kind of unavoidable. and i wanna talk about it. and have this read by people who also want to talk about it. yeah? yeah. #(and yeah i think griffith raping casca was about her and guts. like 'fuck you for making him okay with leaving me' type of vibe. even #though it wasn't her fault he's just. god. but it sure as hell isn't Mostly about casca because griffith's making eye contact like the Whol #time with guts. he makes him watch. it's just. shooooooooooo aughhhhghhghh fucking. jesus christ. that or it's the fear that his two most #important pawns are going to leave him Together and he just. can't deal with that. especially after the torture internment thing. #he's so weak and he was so close to his dream and now it's falling apart and they're leaving him and he can't even move. it's about making #damn sure they can't escape him or forget him ever again. #or maybe it's even a 'you can't have her she's mine' to guts but it's still largely like. spiteful/about possessing her as a soldier/human #because i don't think you could convince me it's about having her as a lover or about controlling/hurting/possessing her body.)

[skunkes]

#ppl who struggle with food how do u try new foods... #i wanna try new foods so bad but im Scared #i hate throwing up and when i was a child introduction to foods would always lead to that #so im still like. scared. #talkys #also insane moment but mfw i wanna resolve this bc i realize weird eating isn't Desirable. its a big Flaw #it makes socializing so hawrd ...and also i want to become healthy eating ... #i want to do it... #came to restaurant was the only one in my family that didnt eat [food] and it feels Bad but idk how to just Try It....augh #i should have tried it since it was in front of me! now idk how to try it again what if i buy some and i hate it #and its a waste ykwim... #i just wanna be normalll

[symbioticsimplicity]

Y’all what if Lilith didn't choose to take a vaycay in Heaven? What if she got redeemed?

#if she got redeemed and it got hidden by Adam and Lute #then having Sir Pentious pop up in front of Sera and Emily would have been also to keep that possibility from being hidden again #not sure what deal she would have made with Adam in that case #other than maybe to keep the exterminators from cleaning house altogether once they learned it was possible?? #maybe give a double meaning to Adam's line about no one learning the truth??? #and it would make sense Lilith seemed by all accounts a good wife and mother as well as a good queen who wanted the best for her people #so it stands to reason she could have been redeemed especially considering her sin wasn't like...huge #maybe she got taken out during an exorcism since she wasn't technically hellborn she would have been fair game #and it would make sense that she'd want to spare Lucifer the pain of finding her dead so she slunk off somewhere??? #only to then find herself alive in heaven with no means of telling her family #it would also explain why she's just sitting alone on a beach instead of interacting with people when she's clearly a people person #she doesn't wanna be there so she'd rather be left alone #and if her deal was to help spare the rest of hell it would make sense as a perspective for having her go talk to Charlie #plus it gives a chance for her to be a rebellious little shit and tell Charlie her idea works and not to abandon it #if viv wants her and Luci to still be a thing and a healthy thing this would be a hell of an angle to hit it at #as well as giving Lucifer more motivation to take an active role in things #and maybe earn redemption for himself too?? #idk but i think that would be really interesting especially with the fans expectations leaning so far the other way rn #hazbin hotel #hazbin hotel theory #hazbin hotel lilith

[bunnihearted]

🐰💬

#sooo now when the surgery is 3 days away im starting to get very nervous nd anxious T-T #i know it's like a minor surgery nd i mean im gonna get to go home the same day so it's not supposed to be super bad #and the recovery time isnt supposed to be that long either. so like i know this is an easier surgery #im still sooooo scared nd nervous omg. i've never even broken a bone so this is like crazy for me sksksk #but i try to think positively #and i try to focus on the positive: many ppl say that they 'get their life back' after gallbladder surgery #so i can hopefully start feeling better and more normal again. nd regain my physical health #i miss going for long walks everyday. i miss being able to eat. i miss not being scared of the pain nd feeling uncomfortable everyday #so yeah.. trying to focus on that instead of being scared of the surgery itself. but i cant help it im just an anxious person #i just rlly wanna live normally again. i wanna go to the gym. i wanna eat well nd also yummy nd healthy. i wanna go for walks. #i wanna not be depressed anymore nd start writing again nd reading more nd watch shows nd be able to work on functioning as a normal person.

[batshikns]

i just realized- 6 more months exactly until my birthday- that's... depressing- 😓

#tw: vent(ish?) in the tags #i still feel a year younger #i feel like i didnt do anything this year..- #😵‍💫 #idk i need to find smt to feel good about and i feel so close to it... #i feel so close... #but it's just not in reach and idk what to do abt it #the things who make me who i am haven't changed for the past year #im still the kid who likes drawing bsd and music #the kid who everyone knows but doesn't have that many close friends #😮‍💨 #mid-life crisis as a teen 🙌 #dying in my twenties 🙌🙌 #(/half joking) #i just wanna hug #but i dont really know how to ask for one #(pretty sure my mom would wonder what's wrong and my brother would look at me weird) #ik i should probably just start making healthy life choices but i cant be bothered #just three more months of school... #then a month off... #then half a month later im back in school to start it all over again... #i just wanna go Home #batrambles #batdiary #sorry this is so long and so weird(if you even made it this far)-

[xhanisai]

I do kind of feel a bit spoilt with how the fandom pre-pandemic would share my work easily (fics getting hundreds and even thousands of notes on tumblr and on AO3 immediately and arts getting thousands of notes too). Back then, my work was so eUGH compared to the work I create now which is so much more polished and well thought out.

And now? It’s such a struggle for my art to reach even a hundred notes on this app alone and my fics take a long time to accumulate some attention on ao3. At first I thought it was because my creations have gotten WORSE lol but then I realised it’s been happening to all my friends too online.

Kinda sad tbh.

#delete later #i know that X amount of likes or notes on work doesn't necessarily mean that it's great quality #but i like seeing and knowing that people out there on the internet are enjoying what i put out #and i want more people to see what i can do if that makes sense? #my mentality is a little fucked right now because in the past i created mainly for me and i enjoyed what i did to an extent #but now i'm at that stupid stage where i hate everything i draw and get bored of my own writing and i don't like that #so validation online sort of helps with that mentality to go away #i can't keep up with internet art trends to get the attention on my work that i want that is not a realistic and healthy way of life #and i refuse to touch any salt or negativity in the ml fandom just to get the hivemind to find my work #my most popular work on ao3 is only popular because of lila karma and that makes me so mad because i write 100000x better than that LMAO #but people just wanna see a 14 yr old italian nightmare girl get expelled from school over and over again and i'm just tired af of it #as for art with twitter it's a bit of a russian roulette #you don't know what will be a banger and what won't unless you pay special attention or have a decent following or are always grinding #i don't think my art is for tumblr #i do appreciate the few people who always love and reblog it but i've always known from the start that my art isn't what would be popular #on this hellsite #oh well it is what it is #also don't worry i'm never gonna stop drawing nor am i ever gonna stop writing those two are literally my only outlets of my life #and the only way i can get emotions and feelings out of my body without exploding #and i am still madly in love with ML and will always be obsessed with it #i just miss how the prepandemic fandom would interact with my work and let me know what they thought and all the asks they sent about the #aus i created #it was a good period on this hellsite for me

[lucyvaleheart]

ohh this is gonna be. such a bad idea i can tell (: (: (:

#heavily depressed drinking wooooo lets goooo #im so mentally healthy wooooo #wooooo i. iii #can't think of any more jokey ways to say that #bout to take a bunch of shots so i stop feeling like i wanna kill myself again yaaayyyy #.....sigh #...i just hope it works honestly #christ. i. ugh #i hate myself so much

[hyunrun]

tw ed in the tags !!

#im feeling sooo awful abt my body today its crazy #i dont wanna relapse but also i have prom and grad coming up so its very very tempting #silly side note but ive been friends w some moots on edtwt longer than I've known some of my irls and that's crazy to me #anyway i was looking at tweets of me being so majorly uber excited abt final hitting 45 kg T-T like man omfg #feb 23 me was the skinniest id ever been and i was thriving !! #and i highkey wanna be that again #was my hair thinning and did my face look so gaunt it scared me at times? yes #did i also feel my prettiest + have the most external validation from strangers etc ever? also yes !! #i feel fat and ugly rn but I'm also just very averagely weighted #but i have a naturally broader built but i feel like i look bigger even if I'm not ?? 9ufdkjhjs #anyway its scary looking through old tweets bc I'm talking abt skipping lunch like everyday and stuff like that's scary !! don't do that #but also it makes me wanna do it again like if i could look like that again... id genuinely kill myself for it #i was kinda also p healthy back then LOL only ate god food #cardio every evening + muscle training every morning #anyway teehee thats all i very much dislike my body rn and i hope i can lose a bit so i don't feel like dying <3 #i have hope bc im only 5kg off what i used to be so !! shouldn't be too hard yaaya if i can just get back in the 40s ill be happy like a 47 #i got this !! hopefully will not destroy myself in the process yay #tw ed

[bbreaddog]

.

#personal #health is scary and frustrating and pain is constant and confusing and every test is coming back with nothing which apparently means #nothing is wrong except for the fact that everything is wrong #i wish i could live like i did back in the before times #I’m so glad my students cancelled this coming monday #I’ve been put through the fucking blender with the lid off this week #i need all the rest i can get #I’m so. I’m so frustrated at how my parents can witness me attending appts 4 days a week. and still wonder if I’m better yet #or still think I’m healthy again #whatever the fuck that means #even if i was healthy i don’t think I’d be as healthy as before #i certainly can’t do as much as before #i just wanna go back to before #i don’t wanna be in pain anymore #i don’t wanna see doctors anymore #I don’t wanna be sick anymore #at the very least i just wanna know what the fuck is up with me #of all the pain and bleeding and exhaustion #not knowing the cause of it all is the worst part #i may become a hermit for a little while #queue will keep running