#I have so many thoughts about 5x18!!! | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

masterwords · 8 months

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it's here in the ashes

Summary: Sam Cooper was many things. He was an exemplary leader, an intuitive field agent, a brilliant mind. He was a calm presence amid a raging storm, someone who always knew what to say and when to say it...but more importantly, when to keep quiet. He was many things, but if you asked Hotch he’d probably just say that Sam Cooper was a great friend. This is just a snapshot of that friendship. (Coda to 5x01, my usual haunting ground)

Pairing: None (but you could say Hotch/Morgan...it's heavily implied but not explicitly said, basically just like canon)

Words: 5.6k

Warnings: religious (christian) overtones, church, stab wounds, medication, pain (post foyet stabbing y'know y'know)

Notes: I've wanted to write more about Hotch & Sam's friendship. Sam, if you don't remember, is from 5x18 - The Fight and the Unit Chief of the Red Cell team in the spinoff Suspect Behavior. I'll probably start a whole series dedicated to all these one-off characters that are so beloved to me so they're all in one place. Hotch needs friends, yo. And anyway, he's so cute with Cooper that I really need to explore more of that.

No one came to see him after he was released from the hospital.

The team were busy, they sent texts and more than once take-out meals so he didn’t have to cook, but no one came by. He knew it probably had a lot more to do with him than them. He could picture Garcia worrying herself sick over whether to pop by to check on him or bring him a plate of cookies, and he could picture Dave telling her to do what she thought was best. Well, that resulted in a lot of well meaning texts and nothing more.

He was fine with that, too. He didn’t particularly want company. Didn’t much feel like conversation, like being under the watchful eye, like being pitied.

Jessica was coming by, out of some strict (and utterly insane if you asked Hotch) sense of duty more than anything. She was angry at him for sure, angry and indignant but she helped him change his bandages and made sure he took his medications. “For Jack,” she muttered when he asked her one particularly bad night why she insisted on showing up every single day when he knew she didn’t want to be there. When he knew she had better things to do. Her neighbor was feeding her cat so she could clean up wounds on a man she could barely stand to look at. “Because he’s going to need a dad to come home to. Now swallow the damn pill and go to sleep.”

Her anger lasted about a week. She never had managed to focus on one thing for very long – her fire burned hot and fast. She’d picked him up from the hospital and brought him home, and for that whole week she was frustrated and short with him, asking him why he didn’t just call his mother or Sean to come and help because he was more or less incapable of just about every activity of daily living. He stubbornly maintained he could do it on his own, and for what it was worth, he did. Not well, and he definitely shouldn’t have been doing any of it, but he didn’t see as he had much choice in the matter. She knew it too, and that fact alone kept her coming back to check, afraid one day she’d show up and find him face down on the floor bleeding out. So, it was a week of burning anger and then slowly it melted into something not so hot. Not so sharp. She began sitting with him for an hour, turning on the TV or cleaning his bathroom, asking how he was feeling with more than just a clinical interest. Remembering that she did love him too, in spite of his rampant stupidity. In spite of his...well everything about him.

But he didn’t seem to make any real progress toward rejoining the living until Sam Cooper showed up on his doorstep.

“Hi,” he said, extending his hand to Jessica with the bright smile of someone who sleeps and eats and works out at regular, healthy intervals. Something foreign at the moment to both she and Hotch who had more or less become couch potatoes. She was eating enough for two (there were a lot of feelings to be stuffed into a bowl of cereal that quickly became two bowls at 10pm whens he couldn’t sleep), he wasn’t eating at all (meds and pain and stubborn refusal to do anything that resembled living). It wasn’t a great situation. “I’m Sam, a friend from work.”

“Sam Cooper,” she said with a tired smile. “I’ve heard stories. I’m Jessica.”

“Right. Ex-wife’s sister?”

“That’s the one. Do you need something from him? He’s asleep right now.”

Sam smiled again and shrugged. He carried himself with such a laid back swagger that she couldn’t help the way her own shoulders loosened in his presence. “Nah. I just wanted to check up on him. Thought I’d give it a week or so for him to be home before I came knocking. He can be a little skittish.”

“Oh, yeah, well...why don’t you come in? I’m sure he’d love to see you. Or anyone really that isn’t me barking at him.”

“Has he had many visitors?”

“Well counting you and me...two.”

Sam nodded and clasped his hands behind his back, fingers gently pulling at the prayer beads he kept around his wrist as he took in the apartment. He’d been here more than once, helped Hotch move a few boxes here and there. More to check up on him, support him through his time of need than actual help – he’d had movers do most of the heavy lifting. Ultimately the place didn’t look much different but it felt different. It felt wrong. He could see Foyet there by the washer, feel his presence as he got to know the intimate details of Hotch’s place while he was away...how long was he here? Did he leave anything behind?

The apartment smelled stale but clean, closed windows and bleach. There were banker boxes piled up where he supposed a china hutch or some nice piece of furniture might look better, and there were case files covering a table that was more for show than for eating. He thought about Jack, wondered if he might find some renegade legos stashed beneath the couch or a crayon on a bookshelf. He wondered if Foyet went into Jack’s room, if he dug through Hotch’s entire life while he was away.

“That’s about what I expected,” he said finally, as if coming out of a long trance.

“Really? I honestly thought that his team would be here all the time. The way he is about them, you know? That they’d be hanging around and getting him to work and…”

“I talked to Agent Morgan this morning before I made the decision to come by. He said he’s been texting with Hotch every day but he’s afraid of opening up too many lines of communication because Hotch needs to rest and heal, and his instinct is always to pour himself into work as quickly as possible.”

“So they’re protecting him from himself by not coming? Is that what they think they’re doing?” She couldn’t mask her disgust. He gave up his marriage for them and they couldn’t even bother stopping by to check on him.

“I said that’s what Morgan said. I don’t know about the rest of them, don’t really know ‘em. Morgan comes and works out in my gym every day. How is he?”

“Well. He’s lonely and grouchy. In a lot of pain and pretty angry about it.”

“How long have you been here?”

“All morning. I practically live here now.”

Sam continued his pass through inspection of Hotch’s place and frowned at the spot on the carpet that was covered by an out of place looking rug. Jessica wouldn’t look at it. “That’s where...I guess they couldn’t get the stain out…I brought a rug from my place. I know it’s stupid, putting that there. It’s a bath mat, it looks silly it’s just…they said it would be a couple of weeks before they could get someone out to replace that spot with new carpet.”

“You should go, take some time to yourself. Have some lunch, a nap, something. I’ll handle him when he wakes up.”

She scrunched her nose and he had the distinct impression that she’d known Hotch a long time, a very long time, and through her aloof exterior she cared very much and maybe didn’t want to leave. She was protective of him, that was for sure.

“If you want,” he followed it up with a cautious smile. “I only want to help.”

That made her features soften into a halfway smile. “I could use a shower.”

Sam busied himself by putting away all of Hotch’s case files, clearing off his table. It was a task Jessica had mentioned wanting to do but not knowing where to start. “I think he just leaves them there because they make him feel something. He doesn’t do anything with them. I covered a few up because the pictures were…” she shook her head in disbelief. “I covered them up. That probably makes me a terrible person.”

“You said they’re going to be a couple of weeks on the carpet replacement?”

“Yeah. I couldn’t let him come out here and see that every day. And I know it sounds stupid because they cleaned it really well but if I can see it...I feel like I can smell it.”

“Doesn’t sound stupid. I can smell it. I’m going to make some calls, we can get that taken care of.”

“They said that it got into the sub floor and all of the padding, the whole thing has to be replaced. He was there...it was…”

“I understand. I’ll take care of it.”

Sam’s presence was calming to her, and when she finally slung her purse over her shoulder and left she felt almost at peace for the first time in a week. (Had it only been a week since he’d been home from the hospital? It felt like a century, and maybe it was when you measured it in calculated breaths and medication timers and bandage changes.)

By the time Hotch was shuffling down the hallway with all the grace of a starved zombie, not the 28 Days Later kind but the long suffering Romero zombies, Sam had tidied up all of the files and moved himself on to perusing the bookshelves until he found something that was just dull enough to stare at until his friend woke. He didn’t want to get engaged in anything, he wanted something easily cast aside. Something that would hold his attention with only the lightest grip. Hotch’s book collection had plenty to offer in that regard.

“Look what the cat dragged in,” Sam said with an easy smile, setting the book open-faced on his thigh. Hotch stared at him, unblinking, sleepy-eyed, pale and worn like an old bed sheet hung out to dry. He’d seen Hotch in plenty of bad situations but he’d never seen him so listless, so drained. So empty.

“Where’s Jessica?” he croaked in a voice that hadn’t been used for much more than moaning or complaining in the last few days. Jessica said he didn’t string many words together, one or two was about the limit of his conversational skills – everything else was more or less a series of whines, whimpers or grunts.

“She needed a shower. I stopped by at the perfect time I guess.”

Hotch grunted his disapproval at being blindsided by a change in caretaker and resumed his shuffle toward the kitchen. Sam watched with some intrigue, wondering how capable he was of whatever he had set out to do. He knew damn well Hotch wasn’t going to ask him to help, and truthfully he thought it was probably better if Hotch did things for himself. He suspected that Jessica was doing more than necessary, either out of fear or guilt or love it didn’t matter.

It was a glass of water he was after, and he managed after a full minute of trying to figure out the best way to raise his arm (one side was easier than the other, it turned out) and then it looked like he was going to be sick after the first drink but he continued anyway. Sam watched with interest while Hotch seemed to forget he was there momentarily, hunching over at the sink, resting one hand against the ledge and dropping his head. Sam thought about stepping in, about asking if he could do anything to help, but he knew Hotch well enough to see the folly in that idea. He let Hotch come to him, instead. Slowly he made his way through the kitchen, eyes dragging with suspicion over his newly cleaned table. He didn’t like it. Sam didn’t care.

“Did you do this?” he asked, reaching out with one unsteady hand to grab hold of the back of a chair. It was as far as he could go, and he fell heavily into the seat with a barely contained groan.

“Looks like it smarts,” Sam said, ignoring Hotch’s question. He knew the answer anyway. When Hotch didn’t acknowledge his comment, he leaned forward, elbows on his knees and looked at him earnestly. “I know you don’t wanna hear it, and I’d rather not have to say it but I’m sorry this happened to you.”

“I know.”

“So you pushin’ everyone away who wants to help?”

“They have better things to do. Agent Reid is also out, they’re short staffed.”

“We’re pickin’ up the slack. I’m working with Rossi and Morgan to divert your case load. We got it.”

Hotch nodded appreciatively. “Thank you. I’m hoping to return within the month.”

At that, Sam laughed. Hotch didn’t find it amusing. “What?”

“A month?! Hotch. Come on. I saw the pictures and the hospital chart – now, now, don’t get your feathers all ruffled, Rossi asked me to take the lead on your case. He didn’t want anyone from the team doing it, and he was adamant that an outsider shouldn’t do it. I guess you could call this a professional visit…”

“Yeah?”

“Well. In a matter of speaking.”

At that Hotch smiled. Sort of. It was just a little twitch at the corner of his mouth but it was something, probably more than he’d done in a while. It looked unnatural and stiff. “Thank you.”

“Don’t thank me yet. I’ve got something I need you to do with me. You up for a walk?”

“Do I look up for a walk?”

“You look like a ghost. You can’t haunt this place forever. You need some good old fashioned vitamin D...come on. Three blocks.”

Hotch knew where they were going, and he wanted to protest. Not for any real reason in particular, he’d been thinking of going himself. He loved it for the same reason Cooper did – it was peaceful there. Quiet. He could sit and hear himself think without the echoes and ghosts in his apartment, or he could sit and do nothing but stare up into the light refracted through brilliantly colored stained glass windows and marvel at the way that made him feel.

Small, it made him feel small. That’s what he’d tell Sam, if asked. And no, that wasn’t bad. In fact, as the world swirled around him, as his team texted him and people whose names he barely knew delivered flowers and baskets of well-wishes and foods he wouldn’t or couldn’t eat (but his neighbors would, and Jessica would) all he wanted was to feel small and insignificant again. Foyet had robbed him of many things, and right now if he could just feel small he might be able to see his way into the next day and the day after.

“You know where I’m taking you,” Cooper said, affecting a slow pace. Much slower than his usual clip, and still it wasn’t really slow enough for Hotch’s sluggish body. His bones were heavy, poured with concrete. He wasn’t really walking so much as dragging himself down the sidewalk. It was a strange lumbering walk, no real grace to it, stiff hipped and hunched at the shoulders. “You know exactly where we’re going.”

“I do,” Hotch replied, pushing his hands deep into the pockets of his jacket to hide their tremble. They shook a lot lately, maybe medication side effects, maybe nerve damage, maybe just that he was scared and hungry and sick all the time. The reason mattered very little to him anymore. It just was.

“Have you been already?”

“No.”

Cooper hummed and slowed his pace one click more, a welcome reprieve. Hotch slowed to match and took a deep breath.

Three blocks, only three blocks, but Cooper stopped and took a seat on a bench beside the bus stop a little over a block into the walk and Hotch followed. They didn’t speak while they sat, just stared across the street and watched the little coffee shop ebb and flow with the day’s patrons. Children being dragged in by their parents while they prattled about something that was very important to them and of little import to the parents on a mission for caffeine. A couple holding hands. A group of school aged girls. Some of Hotch’s neighbors, elderly couples that had formed a sort of walking group in the last few months. He’d joined them once or twice after being badgered relentlessly at the mailboxes for being a shut in. The problem, he told them, was that he spent so little time in his home that he desired the luxury of being a shut in. Still, he did need coffee so he reluctantly agreed.

After a few minutes, Cooper looked at Hotch expectantly and stood.

They made it to the church without saying another word, and Hotch stopped at the base of the steps and turned his whole face toward the sky. He stared at the steeple as it rose into the clouds, touched the heavens. He sucked in one quick breath and grabbed the railing before hoisting himself up one step at a time like he was climbing Mount Everest.

The last time he’d come, it was Easter. He had Jack’s little hand in his, it was his holiday weekend and they didn’t have a case. It wasn’t his first choice of holidays to have his son, but Haley wanted Thanksgiving and Christmas and since those are family holidays and Hotch didn’t care for spending much time in the company of his own, he’d taken Halloween and Easter. Well, that had been almost half a year before and he’d walked by these steps plenty of times and thought about coming in but he never did. There was plenty of guilt associated with that, just add it to the pile of guilt he lived with over everything else in his life.

It was creeping up on October now, and he knew in his heart that he wouldn’t get to have Halloween with his son. He might never get another holiday again – did he appreciate Easter for what it was? Maybe the last? He didn’t think so.

“Need some help?” Cooper asked when Hotch was halfway up. He shook his head and set his features with determination.

“I’ve got it.”

“Good.”

Hotch would have been content to sit in the back pew and stare silently forward, he had the best view of everything from there but Sam moved toward the front and he followed. This was Cooper’s adventure, after all. He’d done nothing but wake up and go to sleep, exist in a medicated half-life for a week now and if this was the way to regain his life...well he was willing to try it.

“It’s peaceful,” Sam said sitting down. Hotch took the seat beside him, close but not too close. Sam scooted closer to him, until their shoulders touched and he leaned himself back casually. Like this was his sofa at home and they were all set to watch the football game. “You made it.”

“Did you doubt me?”

Sam smiled. “I did, actually. You look like a man who hasn’t walked more than twenty steps in a week.”

“I am. I guess it’s like riding a bike.” He found that the smile he offered Sam wasn’t forced this time, and that lightened the tight feeling in his chest some. It was amazing the power some people held. That just Sam’s presence and faith in him, in his ability to still be the same man he was a week ago, would almost make him believe it too. Sam had always had that effect on him.

“Can I ask you a question?”

His answer was always yes, but he hesitated for a moment and then nodded. “Sure.”

“Did they ask you if you wanted to head up a Red Cell? Before they gave it to me? You were the natural choice.”

That wasn’t the question Hotch had imagined he would ask, but now it made sense. He was thinking about Foyet, about how all of this transpired and wondering if Hotch had any regrets about being so visible. About heading up the A team when he could have gone under the radar.

“They did.”

“And you said no?”

“I did.”

Sam leaned forward, fingering the prayer beads now dangling from his hands. Hotch watched in a sort of trance, the way his thumbs moved over the beads was rhythmic and enthralling. Hypnotic.

“Why? You like the red tape or what?”

He was in a church, and as such, he felt compelled not to let a lie dance on his tongue. Not to entertain those types of thoughts. Sam deserved his honesty. “I need rules. I need the red tape, even if I mean to fight against it sometimes. I need checks and balances. Sometimes I’m afraid of what might happen if I don’t have them.”

Sam could respect that answer, but then, he found it wasn’t hard to respect most of the things Hotch said or did. He needed rules because he feared his own darkness, and knowing what he did about Hotch’s past it made sense to him. Still, knowing Hotch as well as he did, he expected that he’d do just fine without the red tape...he didn’t trust himself, but he should.

“Do you regret it?”

“You mean do I regret it now that I’ve been victimized by the very thing I just said I needed?” That had been on Hotch’s mind. The rules. Arrest Foyet for what he did, make it right. Do what Shaugnessey didn’t, you hunt him and you catch him. But then...how long did that last? And was playing by those rules just playing into Foyet’s hand? This cycle was endless and it was killing him slowly, seeping from him what little sleep his exhausted body would allow him. And now he waited to see if Foyet killed again, and worse, who it was if he did. He was watching, Hotch knew that much. So was the FBI, he knew that too. There was a car parked on his block 24/7 with some poor low level Agent sent on an endless mission to stare at his apartment building as if Foyet would come back there. And were he and Cooper followed down here to the church? Maybe. Maybe not. Maybe Cooper cleared this whole adventure before even showing up.

“Not exactly, but sure. That’s where your mind went, I’d love to follow that rabbit down the hole. Assume I mean it that way. Do you regret it?”

“I hadn’t really considered it. Truth be told, I haven’t thought about much except that night.”

“Would you like to talk about it?”

“Absolutely not.”

Sam laughed. He did so with his whole body. “Fair enough. Morgan said you weren’t talking to anyone about it. But you know, you will have to talk to me about some of it...at some point. I am the official Case Agent.”

“How much have you spoken with Morgan?”

“Everything I just said and that’s what you take from it? Are you jealous?”

Hotch frowned, not sure how to answer that. Especially in a church with a man holding prayer beads. He trusted Sam Cooper implicitly, but his stomach lurched painfully.

“I’m teasing,” Sam said, as if Hotch didn’t catch that part. “He comes by my office every day. He’s struggling, Hotch.”

“Comes by your office for what?”

Sam definitely detected a hint of something in Hotch’s voice that sounded like jealousy. Not the kind that holds hands with suspicion or anger, just the kind that makes bedroom eyes at hope and despair.

“He’s coming to work out. To blow off steam. I’ve been training him in Kali, if you must know. He needs an outlet.”

Hotch smiled at that. “Better him than me.”

“You’re next.”

“I’m not cleared for strenuous activity or lifting more than 5lbs for at least the next three weeks...sorry.”

“I’ll mark it on my calendar. You need to double down on your hand to hand training.”

That didn’t sit well with Hotch and Sam could tell he’d crossed a line, if only unintentionally. He hadn’t lost the battle with Foyet because he couldn’t fight hand to hand, Foyet had the element of surprise and a gunshot that deafened and disoriented him. He had it all planned out.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to imply you could have done anything to prevent what happened. The man was in your home waiting for you, there was nothing more you could have done than what you did. You stayed alive.”

A woman’s voice echoed from somewhere above them, and then a man’s voice followed. Nothing more than sound waves bouncing off of statues and stained glass, not real words, but Hotch’s attention was drawn to the origin of the sound and he felt the hot sting of tears welling up in his eyes. Sam placed one hand on Hotch’s shoulder and the prayer beads fell against his chest, making a small wooden rattling sound that he felt deep in his bones.

“You stayed alive, Aaron. Maybe that’s why I brought you here. I nearly lost a friend, and I’m eternally grateful that I didn’t.”

“Why?” Hotch rasped around the thick feeling of emotion choking him. Why did Foyet want to keep him alive? Why had Foyet chosen him? There were no answers he could find in any of those files. Nothing he could use to make sense of what happened – what Foyet did to him, the parts that were in the file and the parts that wouldn’t be. The parts he remembered and the parts he didn’t.

“That information is above my pay grade, I’m afraid.”

“Has Strauss said anything to you?”

“You know she doesn’t want anything to do with me, not since the Director said my team reports directly to him. She felt slighted and I don’t blame her but I sure am glad. She asked me to help your team out. That’s about where it ended.”

“I think she’s hoping I won’t return. That I won’t pass a physical.”

Sam hummed and stood, beckoning for Hotch to follow him back out into the sunlight. “You’ll pass. I’ll make sure of it. I just need you to do something for me.”

“What’s that?”

“Call Morgan.”

Hotch looked at the stairs and grunted, reaching out for the railing. It was hot, the sun had baked it in the time they were inside and it burned against his palm as his fingers curled around it.

“For what?”

“Check up on him. Ask him how things are going. Ask him to meet you for dinner at that restaurant you both like, the little pho place across town.”

“I’m not cleared to drive.” It was a pitiful excuse, weak and lacking all feeling. He would drive if he had to.

Sam took Hotch’s arm and helped him down the long bank of stairs, much harder to maneuver down when he was tired than it had been to get up. His legs felt like jelly and more than once he nearly tripped.

“Then invite him to your place for dinner. Surely you can order a pizza. Or are you just opposed to seeing him?”

“I’m not...opposed...I’m just…”

Sam stopped and turned Hotch toward him. Anyone looking from the street might get the wrong idea. It would be easily read as a moment from a Hallmark romance.

“You need him, and he needs you. If you think that his opinion of you has somehow changed because of what happened, I’d say you’re not giving him enough credit.”

Hotch didn’t have a response to that, but the look on Sam’s face and the way he continued to lead him down the stairs and back to the apartment told Hotch it wasn’t necessary. It was food for thought, not a set up for an argument. His beads were in his pocket now, the outline could be seen against the denim, and Hotch noticed that Sam checked his watch. It was the third or fourth time he’d done that since they sat in the pews. He’d noted it as odd, but his mind was too hazy to focus for any length of time on small details like that. Now he was suspicious.

“Are you late for something?” Hotch asked, staring ahead at his building as it loomed. Grew closer, larger, the thought of his couch and his bed growing in strength. His legs burned like he’d run a marathon. It was amazing how quickly physical status changed, how fast he could go from peak performance to broken.

“Right on schedule,” he said, slowing his pace a little and smiling. Hotch didn’t trust it. Something was happening. Something outside of his control, just like everything else lately.

Sam held the door of the building open to him, and Hotch entered with some apprehension. Something was waiting for him and he didn’t know what but he didn’t enjoy surprises. And Sam knew that. It didn’t seem to matter.

The door wasn’t locked. Hotch frowned. He knew he’d locked it on the way out.

“Trust me,” Sam said, nudging the door open. Hotch just stared at him, wondering what was going on and not liking anything his mind came up with. “I asked Jessica to come back to let a friend in. Don’t worry.”

Don’t worry. His apartment was broken into just a short time ago, a blink of an eye, and Sam says don’t worry. Hotch found he had a few issues with that statement, but Sam smiled at him and he had no choice but to try.

It was Derek, Hotch knew it right away. Before he saw him. The minute he stepped into the doorway he could smell Derek’s cologne.

Derek was in his apartment, on his hands and knees, smoothing out the last of a piece of carpet with a seam roller. The stained piece was lying nearby along with the discarded pad, the last real physical reminder of what happened that could be removed and replaced. The rest Hotch would carry with him forever as a part of him, there was no seam roller that could smooth the edges of Foyet’s masterpiece. Hotch stopped short and found it hard to breathe at the sight. Sam just nudged him inside so he could shut the door before helping him to the couch. It was clear that the day’s outing had exhausted him, a sad thing to witness in a man who was previously fit enough to give just about anyone a run for their money. One night, one man’s evil and it was all undone. For how long, Sam didn’t know. Couldn’t tell. One minute Hotch seemed motivated to bounce back and the next he seemed too far gone. Still, he had faith.

And that faith started here, with Derek. That’s all Sam knew for certain. These two, they’d always been tied together. Hotch was Hotch and Derek was Derek, but when they were together they were unstoppable. Derek would make Hotch want to come back, that was the simple truth.

“I ordered you a pizza, it’ll be here in twenty minutes. Let me take that to the dumpster on my way out.” Sam indicated the stained carpet remnants eagerly. Derek balked but eventually decided to hand it to him, brushing his hands on the thighs of his paint stained jeans when it was out of his hands. Like he was wiping Hotch’s blood from his palms. “Hope you like Vito’s.”

“Rossi would kill you for ordering from them.”

Sam laughed and nodded. “I suppose that’s true. He can come by my office if he has a problem with my pizza choices. He knows where to find me.” Slowly, Sam turned to look at Hotch who was solemn on the couch. Trying to reawaken himself or settle himself, it was hard to tell. “You too. Three weeks, it’s on my calendar.”

“How’s it look?” Derek asked, the first thing he’d said to Hotch since they showed. He was looking pointedly at Hotch, and in that moment Sam decided to slip out silently. Hotch noticed but turned to look at the carpet, knowing Sam would rather not have any fuss about him leaving. His work was done, but they both knew he’d be back. Probably a lot. He was the Case Agent, after all. Hotch’s return to duty was securely in his hands.

“It looks…” he said quietly, searching for the word. He didn’t have one. Maybe one didn’t exist. Was there a word in the English language (or any really) that said what he felt looking at that spot and knowing what had happened there but not having to see it anymore? “Thank you.”

Derek grinned and nodded, beginning to pick up the tools he’d set all around his workspace. They hit the old metal toolbox, the top engraved with the initials HM, with a crash. Metal on metal as he tossed them into place – he’d organize it all later. Right now, he had to clean up. They had pizza coming, and he was about three days overdue for sleep, but he was here in Hotch’s apartment and that was exactly where he wanted to be. Where he needed to be.

“I’ll take it.” He kicked the toolbox out of the way and admired his work for a moment before letting out a contented little sigh. “I’m gonna go hop in the shower. I’ll be out before the pizza gets here.”

“Derek?” Hotch whispered, clamping his hands over his knees. He made eye contact with Derek and held it earnestly. “Thank you for coming.”

“Ah, don’t mention it. There was pizza involved and I didn’t have to cook or buy. Easy decision.” He paused after grabbing his go bag, filled with something clean to wear and toiletries, and smiled. “It’s good to see you.”

“You too.”

#aaron hotchner #sam cooper #derek morgan #criminal minds #hotchgan #criminal minds fanfiction #jessica brooks

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homerforsure · 2 years

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All Tomorrows Come From Yesterdays

A 5x18 Coda

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As the sun goes down and twinkle lights blink to life all around Hen and Karen’s backyard, a pleasant spring chill sweeps in. Buck can feel goosebumps rising under his suit jacket, but he tips his face into the breeze anyway and it almost feels cleansing.

Across the yard he can see the brides swaying, pressed together at the center of the dance floor, looking like they’ll never let go and like they know they’ll never have to. “I will choose you over and over again. Every day. At every opportunity,” Hen had said at the altar, making everyone in earshot start to cry. No one harder than Karen who stamped her foot and said, “That’s not fair. I didn’t even have time to write down anything to say.”

“You can just say I do,” Hen suggested.

“No wait, wait, wait, I got it,” Karen said, drawing a trembling breath. “Henrietta Wilson…”

She recited word for word the vows that she’d written so many years before and Hen started crying with her as soon as she recognized them. “I can’t believe you remember that,” she said.

“I could never forget,” Karen replied. “I’ll make that promise to you every day.”

Buck wiped his eyes on his sleeve and applauded with everyone else as his friends kissed and sealed their renewed commitment to each other. And then he kept crying, maybe a little longer than appropriate, but he couldn’t help himself. The vows were a reminder, one he so desperately needed, of what was possible. Of a love that could be chosen and chosen and never be a mistake. That joy could be a habit and not just fear. And he wants it. God, how he wants it.

His bottle is almost empty and the night is almost over so Buck tips back the rest of it, planning on saying goodnight to the bartender and seeing everyone else at work in a couple days. Before he can set the bottle down, though, someone else joins him at the bar.

“How long are you going to mope over here by yourself?” Eddie asks.

“I’m not moping.” Buck made sure not to. He danced with everyone who asked, laughed at every joke, told a few of his own. He hadn’t even mentioned the breakup, deciding to save it until Monday and let everyone think that Taylor didn’t want to make a scene after everything with Jonah.

“Of course you’re not,” Eddie says. “One more for me and one of whatever he’s having,” he says to the bartender with enough of a question mark at the end to allow Buck to turn him down if he wants.

Buck nods and fresh beers appear in both of their hands. They clink the bottles together in cheers and Eddie leans back against the bar just like Buck is doing to take a sip.

“So when did you break up?” he asks.

“Did Maddie tell you?”

“Why would Maddie tell me?”

“Then how did you-”

“You’re not that hard to read, Buck,” Eddie says, turning toward him with a smile in his eyes. “Kinda seemed like just a matter of time when you came over the other day.”

“Kinda feels like it’s been a matter of time since it started,” Buck replies, the bitterness he’s been containing all day finally sneaking out as he takes another drink. Taylor was kinder to him than he thought he deserved at the end, leaving his apartment to couch surf with a friend from the station and find a new place to live. It surprised him. And then he’d hated that he was surprised because the two things that Buck had always known about Taylor were that she was pragmatic and that she cared about him. It was the reason he hadn’t been able to resist hitting “restart” each time they crashed and burned, hoping they might be able to make it just that little bit farther with practice.

“Yeah, I know that feeling,” Eddie replies. “But you don’t know til you try right?”

“I guess,” Buck agrees.

They stand together in silence, drinking their beers and watching the remaining guests all twirl together in the soft happy light. The kids are all inside with plates of cake and video games. Bobby and Athena are ensconced together at a slightly hidden table. Ravi and Lucy were collecting abandoned bags of Jordan almonds and Buck thinks that Lucy was trying to teach Ravi how to juggle them (with some kind of shots based punishment for dropping one), but he also finds it best not to worry too much about what either of them are up to.

The wind blows and Buck shivers and Eddie doesn’t try to hide his smirk.

“Shut up.”

“You’re awful delicate for a northern boy,” Eddie replies. “You want my coat?”

“Fuck off,” Buck answers, trying and failing to keep from smiling. He doesn’t think he’s imagining Eddie shifting just a little bit closer, positioning himself to try and block the wind. Maybe he just always feels a little warmer when Eddie’s nearby.

Tipping his beer toward one of the tables, Eddie asks, “What I want to know is what’s going on there?”

Maddie and Chimney both swore they were leaving hours ago. But there they both are, an empty chair placed strategically between them, talking and laughing like smitten kids on their first date.

Unable to help the smile that rises to his lips as he sees them, Buck says, “They got lunch the other day. Maddie told me it was not a date.”

“So what? They’re just going to keep not dating until they realize they’re still in love with each other?”

Buck shrugs, “It worked for them last time. Why mess with a good system?”

It feels inevitable to Buck. He thinks maybe Maddie thinks he’s naive, that not everyone gets a happily ever after, but he’s heard his sister talk about love. Buck knows that she longs the same way he does for a home and for a family and for a solid foundation. As a kid, he couldn’t imagine ever finding anybody worthy of her. But Chimney is. He’s the fairy tale that Maddie deserves. Not that Buck could ever, ever say that to him. Two people who love each other that much. How could they ever stay apart?

“So what about you?” Eddie asks.

“What about me?”

“Well, you’re single again. Back out on the market. Given any thought to what comes next?”

Picking at the label on his bottle, Buck says, “I don’t know. All I ever seem to do is fuck it up. Maybe… Maybe I just need to give up on all that, you know? Focus on work. Focus on my friends. Leave the romance to somebody else.”

“Is that what you want?” Eddie asks in that irritating casual way he has of asking questions he already knows the answer to.

From across the yard, Karen’s laugh rings out loud and jubilant and Buck finds her with her head tipped back, laughing without restraint with Hen’s hands on her waist. They’re so happy.

“I want that,” he says quietly and Eddie’s gaze follows his own. “I know I’m not supposed to. I’m supposed to be okay on my own and be a complete person by myself, but fuck, Eds. I want that so bad it hurts sometimes. And I don’t think I’m ever gonna have it.”

He doesn’t say that he thought he had it with Taylor. Whatever else they’d been, Buck had known, somehow he’d always known, that he was settling for what he thought he could have. He was grateful. He loved her. But it didn’t stop the longing.

Eddie doesn’t respond right away and Buck feels a flush crawl up his neck. He’s so stupid, desperate, vulnerable. All the sad feelings he’d told himself to leave at home are waiting right there to crawl out into the dark and Buck tries to beat them back. “Aaaand that’s one drink too many for me,” he says, setting his mostly full bottle back down on the bar. “Sorry. I thought I was doing better than this.”

“You’re allowed to want it,” Eddie says finally. He says the words to the ground but then he looks up to catch Buck’s eye and Buck has to catch his breath from all the warmth he sees there. “You know Frank, right? He’s a real pain in the ass sometimes. But one of the things he’s been right about and one of the things I’ve been-” he sighs- “trying to be better about is letting myself want things just because I want them. We don’t win any prizes for suffering.”

The words sound so strange coming out of Eddie’s mouth, so wonderfully, delightfully strange, so far from the Eddie that he tried to rescue in the middle of the night, that Buck can’t help but smile. “I’m proud of you,” he says.

“Stop.”

“No really,” Buck says. “I know how scared you were and how hard you’ve worked and now you’re out here quoting affirmations to me. I just- I’m so proud of you. I know it wasn’t easy.”

“Yeah, well.” Flustered, Eddie takes a drink and then takes another. “I’m proud of you too,” he says at last. “For moving on.”

And… Buck knows Eddie’s not going to be the only one to tell him that. When the news finally gets out to the rest of the team, to the rest of the station, he’s going to see more than his share of congratulations. At least half of them are going to be accompanied by variations on “Ding dong the witch is gone.” But from Eddie, it doesn’t feel like it’s about Taylor. It feels like he only cares about Buck.

“It just feels like I keep making the same mistakes over and over,” Buck admits. “I know I need to try something new, but I- I don’t know how. It’s like I’m starting at square one.” Square one with nowhere to go but the same path he’s trod for 30 years. The prospect is exhausting.

The wind kicks up again, colder somehow, cutting right through Buck’s thin suit and making him wrap his arms around himself.

“Fuck’s sake,” Eddie mutters and then he’s wrapping Buck under his arm, tucking him in close. “I hope you haven’t taken the flannel sheets off your bed.”

“I, uh, put them back on as soon as Taylor moved out,” Buck says. He can smell Eddie’s cologne from here. Something comforting and spicy. Something he wants to bury his nose in.

“Good,” Eddie replies.

Buck has the feeling like he should move. Eddie’s just teasing him about his thin blood like he always does when the temperature drops below seventy. But he doesn’t want to. And Eddie doesn’t seem like he wants to let go, sipping his beer with one hand and holding Buck tight with the other. Maybe he’s just a little too sad and a little too tipsy. But Buck wraps his arm around Eddie’s waist and leans into his warmth. He’s probably imagining the way Eddie holds him just a little tighter.

“What about you?” he asks. “Making progress in therapy. Coming back to the 118.”

“That’s not official yet.”

“Only because Bobby hasn’t been in to file the paperwork.”

When Eddie doesn’t contradict him, Buck says, “So? What about you?”

Eddie doesn’t answer right away, but it doesn’t feel like he’s evading as much as he’s just thinking. He rubs his hand on Buck’s arm, trying to warm him up and he tilts his gaze just a little bit to study the side of Buck’s face. If they were any closer, they’d be standing with their heads pressed together and the image of it almost flips Buck inside out. Pressing his face to Eddie’s throat, letting Eddie’s warm arms encircle him completely. He doesn’t know where the thought’s come from. He’s never had it before. It makes his heart race all the same.

“I think I’m ready for something new too.”

Something about the whispered response makes Buck shiver again. When he looks up, Eddie swallows and his eyes sweep over Buck’s face before darting away and back out to the dance floor. Buck has the wild thought that if he reached his hand up Eddie’s heart, he’d find hammering in time with his own.

Reaching back with his left hand, Buck picks his bottle up off the bar and holds it up to Eddie. “To new beginnings,” he says.

“New beginnings,” Eddie echoes, holding Buck’s gaze as he clinks their glasses together again.

They slip into silence as another slow song plays and couples continue to spin across the lawn. Eddie doesn’t let go of Buck and Buck doesn’t try to pull away, going as far as to rest his head against Eddie’s shoulder. He doesn’t know what the future holds. But Buck knows that he has this. And whatever comes next; he won’t be alone.

#911 #911 fox #911 spoilers #technically #5.18 coda #starting over #evan buckley fic #eddie diaz fic #buddie fic #I’m barely awake so if this is gibberish I apologize #allison writes

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canonicallyobserving911 · 1 year

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Buck & Eddie: Buck defined love

Also, still here and still waiting!

Will Buck ever be allowed to talk about his definition of love again like he did at the end of season 5? Buck finally defined love and what it means to him in 5x18 “Starting Over”. His definition came after girlfriend #3 broke her promise to him, Ravi’s statement about the importance of one having their partner’s back and his discussion with Maddie about a victim who ended up with amnesia after a car accident. Talking about the victim’s diagnosis led to their discussion about a “Rom Com” movie (possibly “50 First Dates”). Buck asked Maddie if she remembered the movie where a woman’s brain kept resetting to a year ago every time she woke up. She responded the type of amnesia the woman in the movie experienced was different from the type of amnesia the victim experienced. Then Buck said, “Still sounds like a nightmare. Starting over every day, always doing the same thing, making the same mistakes. Never having a chance to learn or make a different decision. Like a hamster on a wheel. That was a comedy”. Maddie explained how the movie was supposed to be “romantic” and continued with how the guy should have been seen as working hard every day so that he could make the woman fall in love with him over and over again.

Buck reluctantly said, “So that every day is the best day ever.” He followed his comment by retorting Maddie’s commentary on the movie when he asked her “Is that really love? Right! Shouldn’t it be when you’re at your worst, they’re at their worst, you have every reason to give up and you still decide you want to try again?” Maddie thought about it and then she agreed with his definition when she said, “I guess it is.”

Buck’s definition of love and what it means to him didn’t describe any of the women he’s ever dated. His first two girlfriends abandoned him and the third one broke a promise she made to him, she betrayed him and his found family for the second time and she continued to put her career above their relationship. The only person who has and continues to fulfill Buck’s definition of love is EDDIE! They agreed to have each other’s back after they got out of the ambulance in 2x1 “Under Pressure” and their trusted relationship has continued to grow for almost 5 years. It’s been 8 months since Buck defined what love means to him but he still hasn’t verbally admitted that Eddie is the only one for him. It’s likely he hasn’t said anything else about love and what it means to him because he’s afraid.

He’s afraid of losing Eddie because he’s almost lost him too many times and Buck knows his heart will not be able to go on without Eddie. Every time he was faced with the possibility of losing him, Buck panicked and his fear became more intense. The issue is they’re both scared and neither of them are willing to risk losing what they already have but they haven’t realized the longer they continue to delay their confessions, the longer it will be before their dreams and fantasies can become a reality. They still haven’t discussed all their shared traumas but it’s possible that once they’re allowed to have that conversation, it could be the thing that causes them to realize life is short, tomorrow is not promised and then maybe they will finally admit there’s no one else in the world who will love them more than they love each other. Buck and Eddie are soulmates who share a love of my life, I can’t live without you type of love. Will Buck and Eddie be allowed to start their journey of being together forever during 6B or will their confessions continue to be delayed? Only the showrunner(s), writers and producers know the answer to that question.

#buddie #eddie diaz #evan buckley #911 fox #911 on fox #911 meta #911 #911 season 6 #911 s6 #911 season 6 speculation #maddie buckley

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chenfordspiral · 2 months

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Ever since Lucy came back from uc school I fell like she’s doesn’t want to it anymore because she didn’t seems happy to come back and honestly I hope she doesn’t do uc because I can’t see the show doing deep cover uc things because that would be big time jumps and I can see Lucy being a training officer

Hi anon! Sorry I waited a day to respond, I honestly thought I had posted it already.. whoopsie.

In total honesty.. ever since Jackson's death, I've had the feeling that Lucy hasn't been as interested in UC as she seems to be now. There was no talk about undercover for all of season 4, not until the finale anyway. She seemed hesitant in 5x02, but there was so much other stuff going on, so who knows why exactly she was so hesitant. It was likely a culmination of everything. Either way, I've gotten mixed feelings from her in season 5. She didn't seem happy early on in the season, totally agree. Afterwards, it became a bit more murky (to ME) and wasn't explicitly talked about again until 5x19 when she suddenly said she wanted to be a detective with narcotics or whatever the second thing was so she could work undercover.

To me, that came a bit out of nowhere. Yes, we had her go under in 5x18, but up until that episode, I was sure she was rethinking her decision or at least not explicitly planning on becoming detective to be UC. Maybe that was wishful thinking on my part because I’ve always had a hard time wrapping my head around the fact that people person Lucy Chen would actually, for real enjoy being away from everyone she loves and cares about. Ignoring show logistics here (for a deep cover, long term op), I just don't think Lucy really has thought about how much years of deep cover ops would impact her and her life in the long run. That's precisely the reason why I've always hoped they'd do a long term op over the hiatus between seasons so the finale and premiere (and possibly more eps) could be about that and how Lucy would actually feel then.

I also don't like that the shortened season takes away a lot of room for something like that because they have to make conscious decisions about what kinds of stories they want to tell. Although at least this way, the whole issue can't be ignored for half a season and has to be addressed.

Anyway. Whatever other career choice there might be for Lucy, because I don’t want to speculate even though I would kill to see her as a TO, we all know she'd kick ass. We've seen her deal with so many different tough situations, like when both Grey and Tim were in the hospital in 5x05 and she was Acting Watch Commander, or when she dealt with the domestic case with Kyra in 5x11.. she'd excel in every department and I need someone to tell her that. There's nothing wrong in setting your mind on one career path, but there's also nothing wrong with changing your mind.

At this point, I'm just gonna try and sit back and wait to see what they have planned. From all the BTS we've seen so far, season 6 promises to be a good one, with lots of good stuff to come. And while the whole UC thing won't be easy, I'm glad they're finally starting to actually talk about things instead of just brushing them off. They've still got a ways to go, but it's a start.

That was a long winded answer, geez. I'm sorry, anon haha. I hope at least some of this made sense.

#anon ask #asked and answered #the rookie #lucy chen #I could write more but I honestly don't want to get too involved again with this topic because otherwise my brain will break

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tenisperfection · 2 years

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Watching the pilot when the last episode of 911 I watched was 5x18 means that I had many, many thoughts about how much all of these people have grown as individuals and a unit:

Bobby is just. God, he was so sad and so traumatized and so lonely and full of anger and 5x18 showed us that these parts of Bobby we saw in the pilot will always be there somewhere, because trauma builds on itself and contemplating one part of it often gives you a window into the parts you long buried. But with love and family and support and healing, maybe you can be better than you ever thought possible when inside a church wondering why God is punishing you by keeping you alive after taking everything from you. Maybe you can pour that bottle of whiskey down the drain when another time, you could not have. This man's arc is just. I could write dissertations on it. I just love Bobby so, so much.

So strange seeing Chimney's apartment and not seeing Maddie in it. So sad seeing Chimney just put on a facade to get any semblance of a life with someone when we know what's coming and just how full his life is going to become.

Currently attempting to pick my jaw off of the floor as I marvel at Buck's character development from 1x01 to 5x18.

Hen is just always so willing to reach out a hand and we saw that from the very beginning. Even if she didn't particularly believe Buck had the discipline for the job at the time, she was the reason he got a second chance at the job he loves. She has always been here just doing the most and I love her for it.

I know we all laugh about Bobby saying this is not a family and then adopting every fire child in sight but in this pilot? They're not really a family. I think Bobby was drowning in his own grief, and everyone else, with the exception of Hen and Chim, just seemed a little disjointed as a unit. We see how much Bobby grows to care for Chim and Hen and Buck over the course of S1 but that comment he made in 5x11? When that team first came together, it was magic. This would not become true until Eddie comes on board. Seeing all of them in 5x18 back together as a team when they were still finding their footing in the pilot and S1 in general is just so, so beautiful and satisfying to watch.

#911 rewatch #911 fox

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englishstrawbie · 2 years

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Station 19 5x18

- That finale was not as suspenseful as I was expecting it to be - considering they knew that they have a season 6, I thought we’d get a big cliffhanger.

- I enjoyed the green card interview scenes. Of course Carina says too much about the night they first met and Maya keeps interupting - the bickering was cute and finally they felt more in character.

- Also, can I gloat for a minute that when I wrote the first chapter of Serendipity, I made the choice that they didn’t sleep together that night? Ha! (And at least I don’t have to worry that my story isn’t 100% accurate.)

- “We got married during the pandemic and yes my visa was expiring, but at the time we had been dating for a couple of years” ...um, WHAT?! There’s tweaking history and COMPLETELY RE-WRITING IT! 🤦🏼‍♀️🤦🏼‍♀️ (Or was she lying…???)

- One part that annoyed me: of all the questions for Maya to laugh at, I don’t think human trafficking was the right one considering how/why Andrew was murdered, but hey. 🤷🏼‍♀️

- The call out to the bus was decent, but you’d think Hazmat would have a quicker response time than 15 minutes.

- I rolled my eyes when Carina said that Jack could be there when she took the pregnancy test. “I don’t need to be part of everything” - no, Jack, you don’t and I’m glad someone finally said it! 👏🏻

- Is Jack gone? Does that mean we get some peace next season? (After Carina gets over her distress at him not being around, obviously.) Jack leaving means there’s a spot for Andy at 19, so what happens if he comes back? As much as I haven’t liked his role in the baby-making story, I’ve been interested in his (own) family arc and it doesn’t feel like he got a proper resolution to his story. Where is he going? What’s he going to do next? Will he get to know his biological family? I have so many questions!

- Are they stepping back from the baby storyline a little? Jack gone, no pregnancy test, a chance for something to change... do we get our hopes up that there are conversations happening behind the scenes about how to tell this story in season 6 or am I a clown? 🤡

- So Travis is going to run for mayor, can he do that at the same time as working as a firefighter? Tbh, I’m not looking forward to this being an add-on to the show next season. Give me fires and scary rescues, please! 🔥

- Maya threatening Chief Ross to get her job back feels like a bold move, not necessarily a good one, but then what choice does she have? Playing by the rules - which is fundamentally who she is - hasn’t got her anywhere, so it’s interesting to see this side of her and I’m curious about what that means for her next season.

- I’m glad they wrapped up Andy’s storyline and there’s no drawn out trial.

- Enjoy the hiatus, folks! 🥂

#station 19 #maya bishop #carina deluca #jack gibson #my rambles

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lovecolibri · 1 year

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SaL anon here bestie and I'm afraid it's time. It was bound to happen at some point during the hiatus, but I feel like now that it's here we should rip the bandaid off and talk about all the reasons the sperm donor arc is some if the stupidest shit I've ever seen. So let's start with what really pissed me off this week which is KR's comments about this storyline. Can't remember the exact quote but something like "Buck needs to be happy with himself, figure out what he wants, it's important to

do that before being happy in a relationship, blah, blah, blah" to which I thought "Why indeed KR this is true which is exactly why WE SHOULD HAVE SEEN THIS HAPPEN LAST YEAR WITH THE WHOLE TAYLOR RELATIONSHIP!!" This is exactly how that story was set up, constantly showing Buck's misery, his half-hearted ily, the chance to realize he needs more than just a person that doesn't leave to be happy. And absolutely nothing came of it. We spent a whole season with this BS only to have it end with no growth for Buck. And NOW you think it's time to address this 🙄🙄🙄??!! Also this leads into my second bitchy observation. Part of the appeal of having a break up growth arc was it was relatable. Maybe we haven't all experienced it but I'd argue most people can relate to the idea of leaving (or being left) a relationship that isn't bad but isn't what you want. Eddie's breakdown arc last season was relatable, not because we all know what PTSD like but we can all appreciate the idea of bottling up hurt and pain because we don't want to face it or keep a brave face for those we love. What exactly am I supposed to be connecting to with this donor BS?? We all don't have an innate desire to have kids, or do a big favor for a sorta friend we once knew. I have a complete emotional disconnect from this storyline and don't see that changing. So next let's talk about how fucking illogical every part of this story is (on a side note I laughed at the fans out-googling the 911 writers on so many things, reminds me of my science RNM science sin compilations). Anyway, just why would anyone approach their friend they barely keep contact with to do this particular favor (maybe they explained but honestly I've blocked so many of those scenes from my long term memory)?? Why not a close friend (or relative even)? If you're going for emotional distance why not just an anonymous donor? The whole premise feels so contrived. Probably gotta leave it here for now since I'm getting sleepy. But i'm not close to being done (i'm not even done with this one point) so i hope ypu're ready for more of an inbox full later. Feel free to respond to what I do have because honestly bestie, this may take awhile.

My friend, as always your thoughts are perfectly on point! First, YES that growth was what SHOULD have come out of Buck having a relationship where he recognized he was clinging to something that wasn’t fulfilling for him and being the one to call it quits. But with the cheating added into the mix and then the Jonah mess, Buck didn’t end the relationship on “his” terms, he was pushed by her actions and needing to protect his friends. And ya know what? It might have worked if they had it end in 5a, and then spent 5b with Buck figuring out how to be happy with himself and what he wants. Also, what TF was 5x18 if not TWO instances of it being stated what Buck wants?! First with the Maddie “isn’t that what love is?” conversation and then the firefam “someone to have your back” conversation.

ANYWAY, fine, Buck still needs to learn what the key to happiness is, but please tell me why after how much we had to suffer through that BT mess, we are having yet another season of Buck clinging to something that isn’t right for him and won’t make him happy, just because he thinks doing something to make someone else happy is important even if it hurts him. If the WHOLE point of the BT mess was showing Buck being a “settler” and a “clinger” then why are we right back in the same place with him settling for being a donor not a dad, and clinging on to this couple like he’s going to be ‘fun uncle Buck”? You KNOW that couple isn’t going to want a constant reminder of how they “failed” to make a baby “on their own”, or risk their kid (or Buck) getting too attached. Not to mention how awkward it would be for them to explain their sperm donor just being around all the time. Also what was the point of Hen asking if he could have a child out there and walk away, if he can JUST be a donor and nothing more, if the storyline is showing him constantly acting like he’s going to be fulling involved in this kids life? How is ANY of this helping Buck figure out how to be happy with himself when he’s still putting himself and his needs behind other people’s who are using him for parts? What happened to him figuring out the right “couch” and how to be “at ease” and Lev’s death being something that hit him super hard and made him start thinking about his life? Because all of that got abandoned in favor of this soap opera level pointless “drama”. Thanks, I hate it.

As far as connecting to the storyline, I don’t even think it’s just about some people not wanting kids and therefore not being able to connect, it’s about the way this story is being told. Because you’re right, even people without war-related PTSD could relate or at least emotionally connect to Eddie’s arc. But with Buck, we aren’t given enough/consistent info about his thoughts and feelings to connect with! He seems unsure when he talks to Hen and that “donor not dad” line really seemed to throw him for a loop. So the audience was prepared to see him struggle with this decision a bit, maybe saying “let me think about it” and then an episode or 2 later (after some interactions with a call and/or Eddie/Chris, or Maddie (and maybe Jee) make him re-evaluate things), he tells them no, because he’s realized he can’t just donate and walk away. (Even weighty arcs like the lawsuit and Eddie’s fighting arc only lasted a couple episodes so this would be easy to wrap up within the confines of 6a) Instead he says “yes” immediately without talking to Eddie, Maddie, or Bobby or taking into real account what Hen said. Okay, fine, so he’s said yes, now it’s time for the family history to come into play or a talk with Eddie or Maddie or Bobby right?! Wrong! It’s time to forget about it for a month! Then, when it finally comes back, it’s got two conflicting things happening at once. Thing one: It’s all a big joke! Buck is telling Hen about his masturbation habits (which as everyone has pointed out is actually NOT what you should do which Buck would know if he was doing all that research on what to eat and everything, but that would require the WRITERS to do that research and OPP! Either they didn’t bother, or decided this was “funnier” than the facts 🙄). Buck is getting cock-blocked by the sperm bank! Buck’s firefam is eavesdropping on the reveal when Buck get’s accosted at work and they get caught staring! How funny is that?! (🙄🙄🙄 NOT actually funny but of course it’s never addressed) But then we have thing two. Which is the fact that despite the writing playing this off as a joke, they’re also making sure Buck isn’t telling anyone besides Hen, and makes it clear he doesn’t want her to tell anyone else. Why not? Why would Buck keep this a secret from his sister that he always goes to for a listening ear? From his best friend who isn’t afraid to give him tough talks when he needs them? From his father figure whose advice he respects? The answer if this was in an earlier season with better writing would be that he knows he’s not making the right choice and isn’t ready to confront the truth. But we don’t get any indication of that either! Just Buck desperate to do his donation, apologetic to the couple when he can’t get it done and doubling down on his commitment and excitement to do this for them, and a continued joy in the whole thing, with no indication that anyone is gearing up for a big talk with him. So why was Buck sooo desperate to not let anyone know? The audience is being given two different messages at the same time! Buck is super excited about doing this in his words, and Buck is also super concerned about the people closest to him finding out that he’s doing this in his actions. But since we don’t see him expressing that worry, and we don’t see the team expressing any worry behind his back about it, the audience doesn’t know how they are supposed to be emotionally connecting to this story. I know you’ve got another ask planed on how we’re past the point of being able to satisfyingly wrap up this arc now that a baby has been made so I’ll save some rant for that, but just focused on what we have seen, the arc doesn’t make any sense on what Buck is truly feeling and therefore what the audience should be connecting to within the storyline.

As for why they asked Buck, his buddy said it was because Buck was a good, kind, selfless person and you can’t tell that from a genetics facts sheet at the sperm bank. Which is....a) grossly manipulative, especially for someone like Buck which dude HAD to know, and b) isn’t even a tiny bit factually true! Yes kids have their own personalities and what they like and enjoy may not always line up with what their parents do, but your child being a good and kind person is sorta down to you teaching them to be good and kind. It isn’t going to just *happen* because of “genetics”. My guess is they approached him because he IS good and kind and they figured he would say yes, with the added bonus of him being a physically healthy person with on the surface level, probably “good” genetics.

Anyway, I tried to give this storyline a chance, just like I did with the impending BT breakup, but just like last season, it’s reached a point where pretty much whatever they do is going to result in Buck being the “victim” again and being the one to be “left behind” instead of being able to make the choice himself to leave a situation that isn’t good for him, meaning again, no real growth, and more of Buck being stuck having scenes and arcs entirely outside the firefam/his job. And as we saw with 4x14 and 99.9% of s5 and the BT relationship, KR doesn’t like anyone in the firefam being involved in Buck’s personal arcs. (Probably because if they WERE, he might actually learn something and be able to grow a little and we just can’t have that.)

#my sweet nonnie friends #sleeping at last anon #911 #911 spoilers #evan buckley #anti bucktaylor #bestie i am already SO tired of this arc i cannot do another half season of this #we suffered enough with the bt and L mess dragging out forever #we don't deserve this!!#BUCK doesn't deserve this!!#his firefam his best friend his sister his father figure ALL deserve better than being cut out of this arc #or just used for laughs and not to have a real conversation with him #once again the potential was there and kr had to swerve HARD lest she actually allow buck some growth #i have SO much salt about this storyline so keep the asks coming! I need to scream into the void about it #so i don't commit A Violence

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frozen-heart · 1 year

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Protect my boy Félix at all costs!

I can't stop thinking about what he said to Kagami and Adrien in 5x18.

"We're free and together! Aren't you incredibly happy?! [...] What's there not to like? What's the problem? [...] Look! Isn't it great, just the three of us? We have everything we need to be happy!"

Like, he genuinely thought that's what would make Adrien happy. That's probably what would make Felix happy too. Just being with Kagami and Adrien (probably his mom too) is all he needs T_T

As Chat Noir speculated back in s3, he probably doesn't have many friends, if any at all. So his world is relatively small, making it easy for him to get rid of everyone. Adrien on the other hand has many friends. Many people who he loves and many who love him, therefore making his world a lot bigger and he probably had a lot more positive experiences.

"I created a better world, my favorite cousin. A world where you are free. Everything I did, I did for you."

(Reminds me a bit of his debute episode in s3, where he tells Adrien in the end that he's gonna make up for the mess he caused. But I'm probably reaching-)

#felix graham de vanily #felix fathom #miraculous felix #miracolous ladybug

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stagefoureddiediaz · 2 years

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Hey Kym! Hope you're having a great week. Costume question about 5x18. I know you've talked alot about Eddie's watch but I thought it was really interesting how prominent Buck's watch was during the breakup. Do you think that was intentional and if so, what do we take from it? Or am I just reading too much into it! As always, love your work! ♥

Monique!!!

Bucks watch is so interesting to me so I'm glad you asked about it!! I'm still ploughing my way though my full costume plot for all the mains, so I don't have fully formed thoughts or a theory on it, but something I've noticed about Buck and his watch is that he doesn't seem wear it outside of work (that we can see) generally. so if he is wearing it outside of work, then it gains more significance. It's almost like its a physical manifestation of the idea of time - its the same idea we see with Eddie and his watch - not having time, or not feeling like he has enough time - that he's constantly racing against the clock. Eddie nearly always has a watch on and we see it more prominently when Eddie feels time is racing. With Buck we get the same concept, just presented slightly differently, so with Buck we get him wearing a watch outside of work only when he is in scenes where the idea of time is important in that scene time is moving on, or when he is with people for whom time is running out. This is why we see him wearing a watch around Taylor a lot but less frequently with Eddie or Maddie.

With Eddie and Maddie it tends to be more when there is change or evolution in their relationship - so when Maddie moves out of Abbys place and into her own, or for Eddie when Buck takes him to get Chris after the earthquake (the beginning of Buddifer), or the shooting and the will scene (also when Buck tells Chris about Eddie being shot).

Like I said its not a fully formed theory at the moment, but there is definelty something interesting going on with Bucks watch - especially in relation to his romantic relationships and also Eddie!!! so its something to keep an eye on in S6 (although there are so many things to keep an eye on that I'm not sure I can see straight anymore 😂)

#kym answers things #monique asks #finally getting round to my asks!#911 on fox #911 fox #911onfox #911 #evan buckley #buck #bucks watch #watch theory #the theory of time

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honeyeddie · 2 years

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how do you realistically see buddie going down in s6? slow realization of “oh we’ve been dating this whole time”? or sudden aha moment because of jealousy / life threatening rescue / someone make an assumption that they’re together? who realizes first? who makes the first move?

obviously there are so many wonderful head canons but my brain can not settle on a version that could actually play out in the fox 911 world

hi anon!!

this is a difficult question because i feel like it could go sooo many different ways, which is part of the reason i’m so excited to see how it Does happen yk.

but to answer: i think eddie will realize first and make the first move. i could definitely see it happening because of a life threatening moment, since it’s been a while since buck’s been hurt and we’ve never really seen a strong reaction from eddie with a buck injury. i think in 5x18 when buck is giving his little speech to maddie about love that something clicked for him in that moment, not necessarily about his love for eddie, but how love should be and i feel like that’ll be the start of his journey. bc i think he’s so good at being in love with eddie that he doesn’t even realize it, and i think with all of eddie’s therapy and growth that we’ve seen and have yet to see that it could lead to eddie knowing first. esp bc eddie needs to choose and buck needs to be chosen!! so.. those are my thoughts for NOW i feel like they change all the time 😭

#anon ask #reply #911 fox #buddie

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konako · 2 years

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It might just be me but there is not nearly enough conversation about that werewolf hunter guy that kidnapped Snow in the episode "Heartless" in season 6. "Must be the Woodcutter. A bounty hunter who usually specializes in hunting down werewolves," says Snow.

It's not just you, my dude. It's.... It's true. We are overlooking this. Because... Look. I recognize canon has made a decision, but given that it's a stupid-ass decision, I've elected to ignore it.

It’s too much to even attempt to—

There’s so much wrong with that.

To have— To have Blue— BLUE— OF ALL PEOPLE—

Deep breath in, now...

THE FUCKING BLUE FAIRY?!!! REALLY? Really? Oh really?!!!

Hmmmmmm!!!!

Look. Full transparency: I haven’t watched a single episode of season 6 or season 7 (though I’m told the last one is not as bad). I was barely conscious during season 5, only holding on to the promise of seeing Ruby again. I was entirely checked out after 5x18.

I’ve just watched that episode. Just the scene with the Woodcutter. Just so I can understand what’s going on and, seriously?

Taking a step back out of the universe and looking at the writing objectively, as a consumer?

You can tell it was not supposed to be Blue there. She’s painfully out of place (and time) there. She’s not Snow White’s fighting buddy. She’s never been. She’s the shady one. Blue was not the one for that place by Snow’s side. It was the other color.

But Meghan wasn’t available to bring in Red for this storyline — Which is a shame, because that would have been a juicy storyline for her. But I get it, she was done with the show, the show was done with her. It actually pains me, that it was the case.

It’s a tragedy for the story.

It truly is a great loss. We missed out on having Red Snow (first of all, an excellent dynamic that could have made for thousand more fascinating storylines!) facing, for a brief moment, A Werewolf Hunter.

Sit on that for a second. Red Snow vs. A Werewolf Hunter.

Think of the potential there!! The expansion of the world! The depth of that story, the many possibilities to be explored for Red Snow pre-curse, pre-Charming. The weight it would have added to Ruby’s past, present and future and for Snow’s character by association! What a great way to evolve her angst into something even bigger!! Wow.

(But this is OUAT and, by season 6, we had learned that having potential is not a guarantee for a good thing. Sometimes, it’s quite the opposite).

It is truly sad. My grumpy entitled little inner child feels cheated, robbed of a great thing.

But my adult brains knows better. OUAT has always had great pieces, but often couldn’t put them together (or keep them together for long).

That’s a deception I have to live with, thoughts and prayers for me please.

What I don’t understand is: (two things, real quick, as brief as I can be)

1) Why make it explicitly a Werewolf Hunter, if the implications of that wouldn’t be explored further?

I mean, before I get into why I’m bitter about it, let me be clear: thank you! Honestly, thank you for that! I’m grateful. I’m not even kidding! That’s precious and I appreciate it, thank you for that addition! My headcanon was starved and I needed that!

Because now I know that hunters specialized in werewolves are a thing in the Enchanted Forest (and maybe beyond) and that’s another rant on its own (you can hold me to that). File that in the special folder in my headcanon drawer, Jessica.

That’s an excellent detail to introduce, so the story has yet another layer and can (could 💔) later branch out into interesting confrontations, character relations and dynamics. That’s good!

But... it went nowhere. Not only it wouldn’t be explored further and the one werewolf we know and care about wasn’t there to react to it, but the next best thing: The Werewolf’s BFF had no particular reaction to this.

This is a man that specializes in HUNTING WEREWOLVES FOR A LIVING. He has a nickname, he’s known for it, so we’re to assume he’s good at it, has been doing this a while, has a decent reputation and people call him when needed.

The existence of this character implies that there are people weaponizing silver, studying werewolves and their patterns, learning to recognize them in human form to better kill them, finding ways to imprison them and/or selling them off to buyers with nefarious intentions. Does that mean there is a market for werewolves? For silver weapons? Are there people teaching others in the art of killing a werewolf? (I COULD GO ON!!!)

Not only that, but SNOW WHITE acknowledging The Woodcutter and taking the time to explain it to Blue means that at least she’s (THEY, and by THEY, I mean RED SNOW OF COURSE!!!) ran into him (or hunters like him) before.

What does that mean for Red Snow as a friendship, as An Outcast Partnering With A Fugitive? How does Snow feel about it? Surely she would outlaw that practice, once she’s Queen. And, most importantly, what about Red? What kind of impact does it have on her life, her self-image and self-esteem? On the way she interacts with people, with the world, on the people she decides to trust with her secret or not. (FOLKS WEREN’T EXACLTY UNDERSTANDING) How does she cope with that? (I COULD GO ON!!! 2)

ALSO (AND THIS IS ME BEING BRIEF, MIND YOU!!)

2) WHERE THE FUCK IS RED!?!!

“There’s nothing holding me here”, said Snow.

BUT EXCUSE ME? What the fuck. Where is Red. Where is RED?? (I know where Meghan is, but here is RED?) That’s the question that OUAT has never attempted to answer: Where is Red, while this is happening?

It’s one thing for them (RED SNOW!!!) to part ways after Snow meets Charming and gets into fighting Regina and all that. But here?! She knows Blue already, she’s not yet met Charming, I’m guessing. So, in this moment in the timeline, WHERE IS RED?!??? What the hell is she doing? Is she in hiding because of the werewolf hunters? Could be! I don’t know!!

Snow could throw an axe like that, so I’m guessing she’s had some fighting training (first with Red, then with the dwarves I guess), she’s selling stuff, she’s thinking ahead, still in hiding, she’s smart and she’s fast making decisions, so she’s been at it for a while, she’s not the young naive Snow we met during Red Handed. She’s a bit hardened already: SHE’S MAKING PLANS TO LEAVE. ALONE.

What about the cabin in the woods? WHAT CHANGED? WHY IS SNOW PLANNING ON LIVING THE KINGDOM? ALONE? WHERE IS HER GODDAMN FRIEND?

Deep breath out....

#RS HC #rant 9201832019832109

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antigonewinchester · 2 years

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been thinking about Demon!Dean, as one does, and how his demon cure went down. I’d previously assumed the main reason the full demon cure wasn’t shown in 10x03 was writing shortcuts & general continuity laziness: we see Sam consecrate the ground at the start of the ep, we see Sam doing the purified blood injections, and so the audience is meant to assume Sam also does the final ‘putting blood on Dean’s mouth’ step, even if we don’t actually see it happen.

however, the more I thought about it, the more I realized the visual of ‘Dean with blood on his mouth’ is not only an image that goes far back into the show, it’s also one with pretty negative associations & a certain subtext for him. considering that the final step was the only part of the cure that wasn’t shown, I think it’s likely the writers intentionally avoided this visual because it would’ve brought an ambiguity, if not outright negativity, to Sam curing Demon!Dean that would’ve conflicted with the otherwise positive framing of that moment within the story.

if we look reverse-chronologically, we start at 9x23, with Dean succumbing to the Mark and coughing up blood:

there’s 9x01, when Dean is beaten up by the angels looking for Cas. which makes the beginning and end of s9 into bookends: in the first ep, Dean’s being attacked by angels who want to get revenge on Cas, versus in the last, Dean is himself being overtaken by the Mark driving him towards violence / revenge & tried to kill the angel Gadreel. (this one I was a little hesitant to include, since Dean’s kind of generally beaten up in 9x01, but I do feel it ultimately fits & particularly with how it connects to the end of the season):

there’s the infamous 6x05 moment, with Dean having been turned by a vampire and soulless!Sam having looked on / not stopped it. this was actually the shot that first jumped to mind when I thought huh, maybe the writers deliberately shied away from the final step of the cure to avoid evoking any visual similarity:

a minor moment in 5x22 after Lucifer!Sam first punches Dean when Dean tries to talk to him:

another minor moment in 5x18 when Cas beats up Dean in the alleyway:

and then the earliest example I thought of was Dean hurt by Azazel!John in 1x22, both in the cabin & the shot in the car afterward:

I suspect part of these visuals comes from the practical visual storytelling aspect, with blood in the mouth / spitting up blood being an easy way to show that a character is badly hurt without a lot of other injuries or needing more intense makeup sfx. there’s Dean coughing up blood in 9x23 to show the Mark overtaking & hurting him, and the same thing happens in s8 during the Trials to illustrate Sam’s physical deterioration. for the 9x01 moment, we see the angels getting ready to attack Dean, it cuts to a Sam scene, and then we go back to Dean’s beat up face; we don’t see the assault but can tell Dean’s taken quite a few hits. the little moment in 5x22 seems like a brief Oh Shit pause for the audience, where we were hoping Dean would be able to reach Sam but see that Lucifer’s still in control & willing to hurt Dean, which then leads into Lucifer!Sam really wailing on him. 1x22 implies some kind of intense internal bleeding & that Azazel!John could have killed Dean if he’d kept going.

setting aside the practical underpinnings for these scenes, what’s very interesting to me from a story perspective is how many of these moments are not just bad times for Dean, but specifically times when he’s been hurt by family / friends, or at least their bodies, given the possession / soullessness aspect (besides Cas being all Cas in 5x18). all the moments from s1 - s6, 4 out of the 6, fall into this category. the ones that are different are from s9, with Dean being hurt by enemies or the outside force of the Mark.

given that the narrative frames Dean’s demon cure in 10x03 as a definite good thing and as Sam curing / returning Dean back to being himself, it would make sense for the writers to avoid a visual that evokes quite a negative context for Dean and particularly associations with Dean being hurt by family. not what they wanted to imply or the tone of 10x03. and so, the final step of the demon cure is omitted and instead the audience sees Dean losing his demon eyes and returning back to his regular old self like so:

imagining this scene as it would’ve been with the full cure - Dean turning from demon to human with blood on his mouth - does seem more ambiguous to me as compared to the actual scene we got, with the focus on Dean’s normal and un-bloodied, if slightly confused, face. (I do think Jensen’s acting adds some ambiguity to this moment, and implies that Dean isn’t totally happy to be cured, but that’s an acting choice as compared to what’s in the script.)

maybe I am reading too much into this, and it was just laziness or lack of continuity with the worldbuilding and lore. I’m fine to be totally off-base here and the writers weren’t thinking about any of this and just wanted another chance to show off Jensen’s pretty face. it’s just that the sidestepping this imagery & breaking continuity feels revealing, esp with the rest of the cure being included. would there have been a way to include the full cure without emphasizing the final step? I think so. have it happen but don’t linger on it, or have Dean make a joke about it. but instead the narrative avoids it entirely.

(if they’d really wanted, the writers could’ve followed this visual thread and made the demon cure a much more ambiguous thing, maybe even delved into the recurring theme of Dean being hurt by his family / friends and all that messy, complicated stuff. and it’s not all surprising that they didn’t, they have the story they want to tell & that’s what they did, but it does feel like the writers choosing the... the easy or expected story beat over something a bit more complicated.)

#i started this waffling as to whether i thought this omission was intentional but i'm pretty convinced now tbh #there’s just a little too much here to think it’s only the writers / showrunner being lazy or forgetful with continuity #and if it was just laziness or forgetfulness it's a very nice coincidence for them #also if i missed a moment here i'd def like to know; spn being so long & dense makes analysis hard sometimes lol #anyway. add this to my list of topics i casually daydream abt discussing with jensen. esp because he directed 10x03 #was this step ever in the script? did he notice it wasn't? what were his thoughts? (i mean prob he wasn't thinking abt it but i am curious)#dean #demon dean #meta personal #season multi #cw blood

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canonicallyobserving911 · 2 years

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Buck & Eddie: Eddie’s Heart-Reference #20

Is it possible the CANON references to Eddie’s heart started before season 4? Heart Reference #20

There were many references to Eddie’s heart included at the end of season 4 and they continued throughout season 5. But what if the references began during season 2 and continued through season 5? Let’s review the twentieth reference to Eddie’s heart which deals with Eddie starting over after the other half of his heart, Buck, became single again and he returned to the 118.

5x18 “Starting Over”

Eddie and Buck were repairing the walls in Eddie’s bedroom after Eddie punched holes in them during his breakdown. They had a conversation about the way Bobby felt guilty for hiring Jonah. Eddie explained it wasn’t good for Bobby to take responsibility for something he didn’t do because it would cause him to lose sight of who he is and Buck said, “I just wish I could…” and Eddie interrupted him and said, “Fix it?” Buck then replied, “Yeah, yeah. I know I’m the guy that likes to fix everything”. Eddie noticed Buck was about to start spiraling so he told him, “Hey it comes in handy when you have a bunch of holes in your wall” and Buck smiled. Eddie suggested that Buck needed a reason to be there with him and Buck said, “Uh, yeah. Taylor and I are still avoiding each other” and Eddie hummed. Buck explained how he knew that he and Taylor needed to talk but he wasn’t ready yet because he was angry with her and he didn’t know how to approach the topic without it coming across as him being mean. Eddie said, “You can’t put it off forever. You keep that anger and resentment bottled up, eventually you snap”.

Eddie approached May at the new dispatch center and asked her if she had a second to talk. She congratulated him on hitting a million followers and he explained how that was due to the ladder truck falling over a cliff. He asked her how Bobby was doing and she asked him why he wanted to know. He then said, “Probably the same reason you’re looking at me like that”. She explained how she went to their house and how Bobby acted weird after he dropped a glass. Eddie asked, “Why was that weird?’ and she replied, “Because of the way he acted when I came in. I felt like I was interrupting more than just a broken glass”.

Eddie went to Bobby’s house to talk to him about the Jonah situation. Bobby let him in and Eddie told him that he couldn’t stay long because he had to pick up Christopher. Eddie then said, “I wanted to say, Jonah wasn’t your fault” and Bobby said, “Eddie...” but Eddie continued with “I spent the last few months trying to put away a lot of things from my past and move on. What I’ve learned is you can’t carry someone else’s weight; it will take you under”. Bobby tried to explain how as the captain it’s his responsibility…but Eddie said, “Is your team. He was on the 118 for what a few weeks? You barely knew him. You think you missed something. All the other cities, other houses, everybody missed something.” Bobby tried to explain how Claudette’s death happened while Jonah worked at the 118 and how there could have been several other deaths they don’t know about yet. Eddie explained how Jonah thought he was a god but he’s not and neither is Bobby because neither of them are all seeing or all knowing. He told Bobby he was a good man and Bobby said, “I’m not. I am not”. Eddie then said, “You saved my life and my son’s. So whatever responsibility you take for Jonah, you make sure you take some credit for me. You earned it”. Eddie said he needed to leave but Bobby asked him if he couldn’t stay for dinner and Eddie said he had to help Carla since Christopher had some friends over. After Eddie left, Bobby went into the kitchen and poured a bottle of alcohol he purchased down the drain.

Eddie and Christopher were preparing to leave the house and Eddie reminded Christopher that he had an appointment that afternoon and that Carla would pick him up from school. They both said OK to acknowledge they understood the plan and Eddie exhaled a large breath causing Christopher to say, “Remember talking about it makes it less scary”. Then Eddie nodded and said, “Let’s go”.

The alarm sounded and the 118 began walking towards the trucks, Eddie slid down the fireman’s pole and joined them. He was back by Buck’s side as they prepared to leave the station to respond to a call.

Parallels

Fix it

Eddie’s heart was still healing after he started taking therapy seriously and since Buck is half of his heart, them working together to repair Eddie’s bedroom walls illustrated how it was the perfect point for both of them to be at to start over (read blog post: “Buck & Eddie: Buck said, “This is Eddie’s house, I’m not really a guest” for information on how Buck will be living at the Diaz house after he and Eddie become a CANON couple). Buck always wants to fix things for everyone else but he rarely recognizes when he should fix things in his own life and that’s something he will need to deal with in his own sessions with Dr. Copeland if he returns to therapy. Eddie realized Buck still wanted to fix things for other people after Buck explained the guilt Bobby had been carrying after the Jonah situation. When Buck said, “I just wish I could…” and Eddie said, “Fix it?” and laughed. Buck then said, “Yeah, yeah. I know I’m the guy that always likes to fix everything”. In 5x4 “Home and Away” Eddie told Buck during their conversation about Maddie and Chimney, “You’re the guy who always likes to fix things. But maybe this isn’t something you can fix”. He was trying to help Buck understand that he can’t fix everything and even though some things can be fixed, it’s not always his responsibility to fix them. The conversations they have with each other illustrate how well they know each other (read blog post: “Buck & Eddie: Intimate Conversations” for information on how well Buck and Eddie know each other) and that’s only one of the reasons why they will be great at communicating with each other after they become a CANON couple.

Ravi asked Hen a question specifically but posed it to the whole team, while they were inside of the firetruck discussing how Karen stood up to Hen’s mother, Toni about how hurt Hen had been when Toni didn’t show up for their wedding. Ravi said, “I mean isn’t that what we all want in a partner? Knowing they have your back?” His comment parallels with the way Eddie and Buck became trusted partners in 2x1 “Under Pressure”.

Eddie said, “You’re bada$$ under pressure brother” and Buck responded, “Who me?” Then Eddie said, “He!! yeah. You can have my back any day” and Buck replied, “Or uh, you know, you could have mine”. The concept of having someone’s back means they trust each other and that’s one of many things Buck and Eddie established right after Buck got over feeling threatened by Eddie. The bond they have with each other can’t be matched by either of the relationships they’ve had with women. Buck couldn’t trust Taylor, Abby or Ali. Ali and Abby, both abandoned him. Eddie couldn’t love Ana and his marriage to Shannon was tumultuous at best because they spent 99% of their time arguing instead of talking to each other. Buck is the only person who can make Eddie talk about his feelings and not hide behind Christopher when he’s doing it. Eddie is the only person who truly listens to Buck, even when he’s spiraling and talking about something that makes others act like he’s annoying them. Eddie can also make Buck smile whenever he’s about to spiral about something (read blog post: “Buck & Eddie: Eddie takes care of Buck” for information on how Eddie takes care of Buck). The way they treat each other illustrates how they are the only option for the other one when their endgames are discussed (read blog post: “Buck & Eddie: Buck and Eddie are each other’s ENDGAME” for information on Buck and Eddie being each other’s endgame)

Is that really love?

Buck is half of Eddie’s heart and not only do they mean a lot to each other, they are the loves of each other’s lives. They’ve established a relationship that was built on trust first and after that they started building the family, they both chose together and it is outside of their found family with the 118. Not long after Eddie started at the 118, they saw an example of a couple who had experienced a lifetime of love together in 2x8 “Bucktually”. But it was Buck who talked to Thomas and learned from him that one doesn’t find love, they make it. While Buck listened to Thomas describe the way he and Mitchell loved each other unconditionally, after Mitchell died from being crushed by their SUV, Buck said, “I’m sorry, I really am. I guess I can only hope to find something that good” and Thomas replied, “You don’t find it son, you make it”. That was Buck’s assignment, to “make it”, meaning he is supposed to make a relationship with the person he loves and not try to find it. After Thomas died holding Mitchell’s hand, Eddie was there too and he comforted Buck by placing his hand on Buck’s shoulder. Buck looked at Thomas and Mitchell and said, “That’s love”; therefore he learned what love was that day but he still thought he had to find it for himself. That’s why he kept trying to find it within the relationships he entered after talking to Thomas but he didn’t realize he had already started making it with Eddie.

Maddie and Buck had a conversation while sitting on Buck’s balcony about a couple the 118 treated following a car accident and the husband suffered from a form of amnesia. They started discussing a movie that included a woman who woke up everyday but couldn’t remember the things she had done the day before. The man she was dating spent every day trying to impress her and win her love for him over and over again. Maddie thought the movie was supposed to be romantic but Buck didn’t agree. He said, “Is that really love? Shouldn’t it be, when you’re at your worst and they’re at their worst, you have every reason to give up and you still decide you want to try again?” Maddie agreed with his definition of love.

It took Buck more than four years to finally realize what love is even though Thomas told him that he couldn’t find it, he had to make it in 2x8 “Bucktually” (read blog posts: “Buck & Eddie: Buck Misunderstood the Assignment” and “Buck & Eddie: Eddie’s Heart-Reference #1” for more about Buck’s interaction with Thomas). Buck kept trying to convince himself and other people that he loved Taylor but obviously he wasn’t in love with her because it took him several years to define what love meant to him. It wasn’t until he explained his definition of love to Maddie that he realized what he needs love to be for him and he didn’t have any of that with Taylor. If he had found real love with her then there wouldn’t have been a reason for him to break up with her. People can have love for different things, i.e. cars, houses, food, etc., but someone saying they love someone or something doesn’t equate to them being in love with that person or that thing. One can love a hamburger but they can’t be in love with it. Therefore Buck may have had love for Taylor but they weren’t in love with each other. It takes two people to be in love and for Buck, the romantic love he’s tried to give to other people has only been reciprocated by Eddie.

Buck’s own definition of love illustrates how his heart has belonged to Eddie since they told each other they would have each other’s backs in 2x1 “Under Pressure” and after Buck stepped into Eddie’s life to build the family they both chose. They’ve seen each other at their worst and never gave up on trying to heal the other one. In 5x2 “Desperate Times” Eddie said, “You never give up do you? I’m fine Buck” after Buck was trying to get Eddie to tell him what was wrong. Eddie relented and told Buck about his panic attacks. That was one of Eddie’s worsts but Buck didn’t give up. They’ve seen each other at their worsts several times over the past four years (read blog post: “Buck & Eddie: Eddie said, “You never give up, do you?” or 6 times Buck wouldn’t give up on him & Eddie” for more information on how Buck won’t give up on Eddie).

Eddie saw Buck’s leg get crushed by a ladder truck in 2x18 “This Life We Choose”; he saw the embolism that resulted from his leg surgery in 3x1 “Kids Today”, he saw Buck depressed after he quit his job and he saw Buck all battered and bruised after he and Christopher got caught in the Tsunami in 3x3 “The Searchers”.

Buck saw Eddie after he swam his way out of The Well in 3x15 “Eddie Begins”; he saw him after he was shot by a sniper in 4x13 “Suspicion”; he saw him after they were both held hostage by two escaped convicts in 5x6 “Brawl in Cell Block 9-1-1” and he saw Eddie after his mental breakdown in 5x13 “Fear-O-Phobia”. They even made up after Buck filed a lawsuit against the department and Bobby in 3x4 “Triggers”; after Eddie yelled at Buck inside of a grocery store in 3x5 “Rage” and after Eddie participated in an illegal fight club in 3x5 “Rage”, 3x6 “Monsters” and 3x8 “Malfunction”. They never give up on each other and the romantic love they have for each other transcends everything and everyone else. They talk about almost everything with each other except for the thing that scares them the most, the thought of losing one another.

Talking about makes it less scary

Christopher is half of Eddie’s heart and whenever he’s hurting, Eddie hurts too. In 5x10 “Wrapped in Red” after Christopher woke up screaming from a nightmare and Eddie and Carla rushed in to check on him, Eddie said, “Sometimes talking about it makes it less scary”. His statement parallels with Christopher’s comment to him in 5x18 before Eddie returned to the 118. It wasn’t shown but it seems like Eddie was preparing to go to another therapy session with Frank and Christopher wanted to encourage him so he said, “Remember talking about it makes it less scary”. Both conversations illustrated how they’ve both grown and talk to each other about the things that are bothering them. They don’t hold it in and try to make the other one believe they are ok.

Eddie should use that same logic with Buck when it involves the conversation they need to have about the thing that scares them the most. The Shooting was one of the scariest days for both of them because they thought they were going to lose each other. They haven’t talked about it yet and even though Buck has tried to talk to Eddie about it twice, Eddie just turned his head to avoid having the conversation. They aren’t ready to talk about it because once they discuss it, there will be nowhere to hide because all of the feelings they have for each other will be on full display (read blog post: “Buck & Eddie: The Will & Legal Guardianship” for information on why Buck and Eddie aren’t ready to talk about The Will). Since Eddie has returned to the 118, they will eventually have to discuss the thing that scares them because it’s only a matter of time before one of them is faced with another life-threatening situation while the other one has to watch in horror like they’ve already done so many times in the past. It’s different now because they know they won’t be able to go on if something happens to the other one.

He went back to the 118

After months of learning how to be better for himself, Eddie followed his heart right back to the job he loved at the 118. He returned to active firefighting and he was partnered back with Buck, the other half of his heart. Buck looked ecstatic that Eddie had returned but Eddie looked apprehensive while they were walking towards the trucks. His apprehension could be related to the conversation he had with Christopher about things being scary. Based on the appointment he told Christopher he had that afternoon; he may have had a therapy session with Frank to prepare for his return (read blog post: “Eddie Diaz: "I'm going back to the 118!" for more information on Eddie’s return to firefighting). Now that Eddie has followed his heart back to firefighting and he’s working alongside one half of his heart again, the next logical step would be for him and Buck to finally start their CANON relationship since they are both single again like they were in season 3.

Eddie had several heart wrenching experiences over the past several months but he’s also had some experiences that helped his heart start to heal. He had panic attacks that were caused by his repression, he broke up with his girlfriend after he finally admitted to himself that their relationship wasn’t going to work, he distanced himself from Buck and the 118, he quit his job and he had a mental breakdown. All of those things led to Eddie wanting to be better for himself. He no longer hid behind Christopher when he discussed his own feelings and he even had a conversation with his father in an attempt to mend their broken relationship. Eddie told Ramon in 5x17 “Hero Complex” that he needed his dad to be there and after they talked, Ramon told him that he didn’t want to miss out on anymore of his son’s life (read blog post: “Buck & Eddie: Eddie’s Heart-Reference #19” for information on Eddie and his father Ramon).

Will Buck and Eddie finally discuss all their shared traumas during season 6? If so, how will they discuss it, i.e. in therapy or during a conversation that only includes the two of them? Will Eddie tell Buck how he feels about him and their relationship? Only the showrunners, writers and producers know the answers to those questions.

Additional references for Eddie’s heart will be posted daily.

Links to “Heart References” posts

“Buck & Eddie: Eddie’s Heart-Reference #1”

“Buck & Eddie: Eddie’s Heart-References #2 & 3”

“Buck & Eddie: Eddie’s Heart-References #4, 10 & 16”

“Buck & Eddie: Eddie’s Heart-Reference #5”

“Buck & Eddie: Eddie’s Heart-Reference #6”

“Buck & Eddie: Eddie’s Heart-Reference #7”

“Buck & Eddie: Eddie’s Heart-Reference #8”

“Buck & Eddie: Eddie’s Heart-Reference #9”

“Buck & Eddie: Eddie’s Heart-Reference #11”

“Buck & Eddie: Eddie’s Heart-Reference #12”

“Buck & Eddie: Eddie’s Heart-Reference #13”

“Buck & Eddie: Eddie’s Heart-Reference #14”

“Buck & Eddie: Eddie’s Heart-Reference #15”

“Buck & Eddie: Eddie’s Heart-Reference #16”

“Buck & Eddie: Eddie’s Heart-Reference #17”

“Buck & Eddie: Eddie’s Heart-Reference #18”

“Buck & Eddie: Eddie’s Heart-Reference #19”

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