#I have never been relaxed ever

[skenpiel]

i filled a whole canvas with shitty little rose doodles te other day and this was the only one that came out even half decent LAWL. can u tell i lik e stylizing -_-

#my art #doodle #rose lalonde #WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME I PISTED A draAWING THAT WASNT LIKE. FOR ANYTHING. HUH????? #ages ages its been Ages #i havent like. drawn. like i used to for almost a full year now. idk wats up w that #but anyway mostly i make a lot of silly shitty low effort doodles nowadays #almost all of them will never be seen by anybody. the other ones from this drawing for example #or like. i drew alpha rose too. nobodys gonna Ever fucking see that. i think it makes it a little easier 4 me 2 relax knowing that #like just focus on having fun or whatever. maybe #also thats a lie 1 person has seen it and thhat was my friend matt. but thats only because he was sitting behind me as i was drawing LOL #anyways. its late and cold So im gonna go to bed bye forever everyone #i am every canon compliant homestuck character fans worst nigjtmare 💪💪💪

[willowfey]

starting to think maybe waking up with an anxiety stomachache every single morning and then needing to spend the entire day trying to get rid of said anxiety just to maybe have a few minutes in the evening of feeling relaxed before going to bed is perhaps not normal

#the first thing i do when i become conscious is check my phone to make sure nothing terrible happened to anyone i love while i slept #i never ever ever have plans and if anyone Else has plans i feel sick with anxiety until they’re back from them #if i have smth planned that week i feel completely tense and on edge until it happens #i didn’t used to be like this i hate hate hate it #i used to feel safe in my little house in the forest where i knew everyone in town and knew my way around with my eyes shut #it’s still the only place in the world i feel safe. that’s so unfair #my separation anxiety is ridiculous. if my mom goes to the store and doesn’t answer a text right away i start panicking #if my sister goes to a class or smth idk what to do with myself until she gets back #if i’m in the shower or have the fan on or headphones in suddenly i’ll think i hear someone shouting and i’ll have to quickly turn it off #ever since i moved here it’s been getting worse. i don’t feel safe here to begin with i feel so out of place it’s unreal #but then covid and trauma with my mother’s health and my uncle dying and multiple relatives getting sick and things happening to my friends #i know i have ptsd from very specific things that happened and i live on a hospital path so every day i hear sirens #and every time i do it fully triggers an anxiety attack in me for at least an hour. and my mom too #since being here my hometown burned and friends i thought would never grow apart did and my brother moved out #i know a lot of that is just Being In Your Low Twenties but also some of my worst trauma has happened in the last handful of years and now #now i’m just always scared. always uneasy. always worried. never fully relaxed. never feel fully safe. & idk how to be myself through that #i’m always paranoid and i never trust people irl anymore. ppl my mom or sister meet. i am so suspicious of them constantly. #if anything small changes at all i can’t handle it. my ability to deal with change has gone so downhill #in the last 5 years of being here i realised i was autistic which led to me unmasking a bit and that. comes with pros & cons doesn’t it #my own health has declined. my body changed a lot in ways i wasn’t prepared for and i had to get rid of most of my comfort clothes #sometimes i just wanna sit on the ground and cry about it and not have to also be the one that picks myself back up. y’know??? #but at the very least i’d love to just wake up One Day w/o feeling sick with anxiety already. just one day i want to wake up feeling rested #i want to be myself again but can i start with not being scared? not being tired? i don’t know what to do anymore #i just watch my comfort videos and read my comfort fics and stay in my daydream world

[countess-of-edessa]

“are the girls going to help you make pierogis?” well no one else is fucking gonna are they? no one else in this house has functional fucking hands apparently

#every Christmas i think about the time we came home from mass and my father said “finally! now we can relax.” and sat down at his computer #and played video games for the next three hours while my mother and sister and i stood six feet away from him in the kitchen making #200 pierogis. #it’s crazy considering the amount of stuff he gets done for him on a daily basis that I would never even think would be done for me by anyo #like bed made for him/all meals/all dishes/food put on his plate for him because he refuses to do it himself/pretty much all errands #whenever he wants tea he just says that want out loud and it gets brought to him by magic #i mean or anything else! he once said “did you say we were having cappuccinos today?” just to no one in particular and we all knew no one h #had said anything of the sort. and then he was given one! #of course he goes to work from 8-6ish every day but other than one day a week it’s remote and has been for years and i can hear him #he is pretty much never not on the phone gossiping with someone #and i don’t begrudge him having a not physically intensive job or anything but im just trying to think of the things he has to do #he makes my mother mow the lawn. i do it when i am home because i think that’s disgraceful. #if my mother begs hard enough he'll do the least amount of yard work possible if it’s something we can’t physically do by ourselves. #but on a daily basis it’s just go to work/eat the breakfast brought to you/eat the lunch brought to you/come downstairs eat the dinner made #for you/play video games until you go to bed in the bed that was made for you in the morning #and on non work days it’s just eat/video games/bed #and like all this to say #he complains more and has a worse attitude than anyone I have ever known in my life #whenever he encounters a minor inconvenience he's talking about how it never ends and he never gets a chance to rest for once #literally any day that’s not spent in complete and total stagnation is considered a failure #he hates when my mother and sister and i are happy like we can’t even play music and laugh in the kitchen while we cook and clean up after #meals because it distracts him from his video games and his YouTube videos about video games and the war in Ukraine #he gets mad when we laugh too much lol like dude you’re pretty lucky you have daughters who can have fun while doing the dishes #considering you haven’t done them in like 20 years #word to the ladies out there btw: my parents used to clean up after dinner together when they first got married. so watch out lmao

[tenderflint]

it's awesome how they designed ikea stores specifically for autistic people. quiet mellow music, neutral lighting, open non-claustrophobic floorplan, clear directions, fun things to look at and touch. better than target

#bestie and i took a trip today and lord #we were both like i've never been this relaxed in a store in my life #if i ever have brand loyalty it's to ikea #not because of quality or anything its just vibes #ari rambles #ikea

[lucifer]

I’ve legitimately had a rotten day today. :(

#it’ll get better probably but I’ve been close to tears all day and I’m not really a crying person #never cry ever but today has made me want to pull my hair out! #I wake up late for work and then I go to close the door to my kitchen and the HANDLE falls off #had to move everything from my living room to the kitchen because there are workers fixing a part of the wall #forgot my headphones #get to work and my manager just randomly decided to switch everyone’s seats for the fun ig but like #I have issues with change and routine and blah blah also he sat me next to a dude that makes me uncomfortable #so I asked to move and then we had to move all the pcs around and all the cables were messed up #chest hurts my asthma is acting up and I still don’t have an inhaler #got into a fight with my bf over something stupid and almost cried in public #(all is well it was a silly fight) #didn’t get to get the hot chocolate I wanted because I was upset over said fight and just walked back to work #I go to get lunch and the place closed early somehow when they never do that #I am almost completely broke #get home to relax and the workers are STILL HERE even though they were supposed to be finished hours ago #it’s all a lot of silly small things but I do feel as if the world is against me today #bf is going to buy me pizza for dinner and also I have a rp reply from Simon I can distract myself with so all will be well soon!!!!

[herd-reject-arts]

Here I go to spend several days by myself in the North Carolina wilderness. Wish me luck. Never gone camping alone (but I have my dogs, and I trust them more than any people I know), so that's intimidating. Hopefully I don't have to fistfight a bear over whatever I'm cooking that night. Not looking forward to no toilet or shower until Monday, but it is what it is. I absolutely have to do this, for my mental health. I'm losing so much money taking the time off work to just have mountain time to myself. But I gotta. My life has been such a chaotic mess for over half a year now - everything that could go wrong, has - and I've never felt so close to just letting myself snap. I can feel it boiling right under the surface at any given time.

But yeah. Should be a time. Might post pictures upon my return (provided a bear doesn't decide I'm on the menu). Wish me luck!

#not vc sorry #camping #going to pisgah in case i never return and y'all gotta help direct the cops #should be back online sometime next week #really hoping there's no phone service so no one can bother me #i WILL hike the mountains. i WILL return to the dirt and moss from which i came. #i think it'll be good for me to just fuck off for a while and hang out with my puppies #it's just been shit after shit for so long #like. starts off with me getting fired over a false police report that no one cared was obviously fake #then the only person I've ever given a shit about says he's had a massive thing for me for years and just ghosts me? #then my mom started getting worse and is constantly blaming me for all her problems and breaking my stuff etc #like. she tells my 15 year old brother he's a failure and won't be shit at least once a day. blames me for his behavior. #then I'm getting constantly fucked over at work. treated like I'm an idiot. paid less than the guys despite doing the same work. #my physical health isn't great but what do i even do about that? #i have no control over anything in my life. it's all going to shit. #but you know what i can control? where my gay ass subaru is driven. and it's driving me to the mother fucking mountains. #and i WILL chill and relax and not stress over shit that's out of my hands!!!!!!! #it's supposed to rain a lot but who cares. just means less likelihood of other people camping near me.

[jupiter-nwn]

Mutuals I think I might have ocd

#/srs :< #Like I'm not mad or sad or saying this to vent cause like rn I'm fine and the suspicion has been there for a long time #But everything I read about ocd with the not being able to let thoughts go and the moral ocd which sounds exactly like the trains of thought #I've had that have led directly to delusions #Like yk? #I spend my days unable to let go of stuff and it sucks bc for example we had an exam the day before these holidays and I'm going crazy #Simply revising everything I wrote in the exam in my head and I can't relax at all ever because my brain won't STOP #Like I can never sit down and relax and yk that thing of remembering embarrassing shit from years ago in bed? #Like that but all day long

[imabiscuitinthousandworlds]

learned another lesson of don't judge a book by its cover today

so i signed up for this one thing that's like, social work, in a way, not gonna get into specifics, but that first meeting was today to get it all cleared up n stuff. and there were professional social workers there explaining everything who're gonna be going along with us bla bla bla, and with one of them i was a little wary bc, white old man, you know, though he was really nice with older people it's always a bit tricky to figure out if i can tell them i'm genderqueer?

anyways, i didn't get myself to say my whole "not a girl so he/she/it idc" stuff when we introduced ourselves but i did write my name tag as "biscuit (he/she/it)"

and then later during a break, this guy (?) asks me if, personal question but if he may ask, if my parents are or were punks too. so we get talking about that, apparently he hangs out with various punks (i could def hear that in his speech once i knew tbh) and stuff, and then he notices my name tag.

and then. And Then. he and the other social worker who was sitting nearby like, asked a bit about my gender, listened to my rambled explanation of how i just don't feel like a girl anymore, and they both understand that essentially i'm just me, and the man is like "so your gender is just human" which, yeah :D

and then he goes on that if he could, he'd have his id just say "human" as gender bc really that's nobody's business but his own. and then makes a joke abt how having a rainbow flag outside his house in a small village with conservative farmers is An experience, like when someone asks if he's "gay now" and he just responds "haven't i always been?" and they stare at him in shock

and i, for one, could not he happier. now, mind, i have no idea if he's queer or an alley or just plain cool as fuck, but i know i feel very safe there (the entire group was super chill actually) and his stories are like. fucking superb

also he went to my school so that really just proves how superior it is

#theres four certain schools in my town who have Beef if anyones wondering at the last comment #especially mine and the one across the street #were right about it tho that other one SUCKS #a biscuit's rambles #anyways this was supper cool today #that project seems less nebulous than before for sure #its a pretty good thing too #ive never been so relaxed in an all new group so fast ever before #i mean. we did spend 7 fucking hours there #i am so so so tired #idk how we all actually managed to stay focused the entire time #even with regular breaks and group projects/discussions #but yeah its a good group and its good adult social workers and im feeling pretty positive abt the whole thing

[milo-is-rambling]

I wish I had friends near meeeeeee to distract me from my brainnnnnnnnnn

#need to talk to anyone irl who isn’t related to me or dating my mom or my therapist #anyone else near me please I’m losing my mind #nature isn’t healing me sleeping in a fully dark room all day isn’t healing me how do I magically fix this without having to put any work #into it oh I can’t oh u have to do the work okay how do I do that. therapy once a week. oh. okay. yup. #can I speedrun it? oh no? I can’t. oh damn. okay fine whatever. therapy once a week. AND I HAVE TO ACTUALLY LISTEN AND DO WHAT SHE SAYS. bro #what the hell okay fine #well here I am !!!!! where is the fixing where is the feeling better I feel like all I do is stir up all these touch emotions from every #part of my life at once and then she sends me off to rot for week before I come back and talk again #I just feel like I’m losing it!!!!! and ik it’s extra bad bc birthday countdown is on in my brain and im stressed and i feel like a huge #fuck up that can never be fixed and like I will die having done nothing with my life except weigh other people down and so exhausting and my #brain won’t ever shut up like yes I get it years and years and years of built up shit that I never properly dealt with and still hold blame #for constantly and I feel like I will never be fixed like I CANT be fixed like this is a losing battle and I just am struggling today man #idk what I was saying I just took my morning weed hit to try and relax my back a little and now my brain is like scrambled eggs #which is good that means it’s working #I’m gonna try to take a nap maybe cause I only slept four hours and it was like choppy thru the night and then maybe I’ll go to the lake #later I’ve been feeling the need to be in a body of water recently

[histoireettralala]

Aftermath of a coup: dealing with Marie's and Concini's creatures

Louis XIII dealt with Marie's and Concini's ministerial creatures exactly the way he wanted: according to his scale of political crimes and punishments. Mangot was the most innocuous of the triumvirs; hence, he was merely ordered peremptorily by the king's messenger to hand over the seals of his office, and was not allowed to see his monarch. In sharp contrast, Barbin was immediately jailed and his financial records seized. Ostensibly this action was to facilitate the trial against the Ancres, but it clearly reflected the king's belief that he was guilty of criminal negligence. Marie tried to intercede with Louis, first through Luçon, then at her own leave-taking with her son, and finally by letter from Blois. Barbin was kept in prison for sixteen months, then banished forever from France. Neither his own later appeals to Louis, nor those of Déageant and Luçon, succeeded in restoring his reputation and confiscated assets.

Luçon's fate was more complicated than that of the other triumvirs, reflecting a contest of wills between a hostile Louis XIII and a temporizing Luynes. From the king's perspective, the future cardinalminister Richelieu had three strikes against him: his closeness to Barbin, his indebtedness to Concini for his office, and his terrifyingly bright, authoritarian manner. The monarch revealed all his adolescent distrust on seeing the bishop of Luçon try to join the other secretaries of state after Concini's fall: "So! Luçon! I've finally escaped your tyranny."

Luynes immediately objected that Luçon was not all bad, pointing out the bishop's offer of loyalty before the coup. The king's favorite seems also to have suggested that the cleric's diplomatic skills and influence with the queen mother could help to keep her under control. Louis was sufficiently impressed to let Luçon act as Marie's temporary bargaining agent while she was incarcerated in the Louvre, and to let him accompany her to Blois. The bishop, however, departed soon after for his diocesan residence, probably in anticipation of royal disfavor. Explicit royal orders then sent him further away to the papal territory of Avignon.

These successive exiles undoubtedly reflected Luynes's second thoughts that Luçon was too dangerous a rival to leave with Marie. But they also bear the mark of a suspicious young Louis XIII, terrified of double manipulation by an imperious priest and an irrepressible mother. For his part, Luçon put the best face on his fall from secular grace in his memoirs, doctoring the sequence of events to suggest that the king bore him only good will.

A. Lloyd Moote - Louis XIII the Just

#xvii #a.lloyd moote #louis xiii the just #louis xiii #claude mangot #claude barbin #still stuck with everybody's shit the poor man #cardinal de richelieu #marie de médicis #charles d'albert de luynes #richelieu: i am fine extremely fine i have never been more comfortable in my life ever #louis: oh god you're the worst actually i should kick you out of france #luynes: can everyone maybe calm down ? #richelieu: i am the picture of calm and relaxation

[shingekinomyfeelings]

I think something everyone should keep in mind during online interactions is that people who are unfamiliar with you personally will, most of the time, make the most bad faith interpretation of whatever you say, regardless of your intended tone - if an unfavorable connotation can be taken, assume that it will be; if a negative insinuation can be drawn, it will be.

It only takes one bad faith misreading to derail any discussion and the ones that follow, so while I think everyone should choose words pretty carefully, I also think a huge majority of people seriously need to try to give each other the benefit of the doubt.

#speaking from experience #it doesn't help that frequently when you realize you've been misread #and you clarify that you didn't mean the more negative interpretation #a lot of people simply won't believe you #and will assume you're just backtracking #tldr never relax around anyone ever =P #I love having word choices held against me long term even after explaining what I really intended #doesn't burn me up at all folks

[scaredofmyocs]

I love it when i accidentally stay up on the night im supposed to be catching up on sleep it totallly doesnt make me feel horrible all week long

#talk post #i love this blog i want to live here #I cant!!! i just cant!!! go to bed at a normal fucking time istg #but noooooo the wild grinders wiki no some stupid bullshit no one has ever cared about before #WHEN I DONT GET ENOUGH SLEEP MY MENTAL HEALTH GETS WAY WORSE!!!!! IF I DONT FIX IT WE ARE GOING TO GET TOO SILLY #(yelling at a mirror) #seriously bothers me tho that Im always worried about how intense my negative feelings have been lately #and im like “oh ill just get more sleep” and then immediately fuck it up the next night making me tired all week #making me feel SO bad in the mornings and at night and increasing my paranoia and other such thoughts #and in trying to tune it all out just forget about it again leading to me fucking it up again #this is a bit dramatic its only happened 2 weeks in a row #but that feels like a lot because thats like 10 nights where i felt like i blinked and i had to wake up and go to school #and not only deal with my shitty social skills but the results of said thing #and also try to fight the thoughts that are like “this shits pointless im not doing this” LIKE PLEASE pretend to be normal for one year #and also that one teacher i have who demands every students attention while he teaches like i already finished the work sheet shut it #like i do well in that class just let me do what i want im not being distracting like girl i have at least an 87 dw about me #PLUS most of the time im not even on my phone he just really wants me to look at the board but girl as i said I ALREADY DID WHATS ON THERE #i feel like i never get to relax but i do all the time so i dont know what i mean #i keep saying “its ok as long as i can bury all my thoughts and just keep going while filling what free time i have with things i enjoy” #but things only work for so long #i hate the passage of time #anyawy erm wrong my guitar is in my mind (stupid ass guitar riff) #walks over to my bed and trips on the way falling asleep on the floor #ramble #hit post

[arlo-venn]

GI says next plan re: my pain spreading across my abdomen and to the spleen area is to do chest and full abdominal x-rays 🩻 I hope I can schedule them for before the gallbladder surgery.

#bc I don’t want a second surgery if something is wrong #he also doesn’t seem to think it’s normal for me to be carrying pain around my gallbladder for as extended periods of time as I am #(which is almost always) #I thought that was normal for gallstones but he seems to be saying that it should only hurt soon after eating and not for more than 15 mins #I say it seems bc the message was confusing- I think his assistant was typing it as he said it and she kept switching yous to shes and back #with little to no sentence structure lol #idk if he means that it should only be extremely painful after eating or if he means #that there should only be pain at all after eating #he said spleen and intestines won’t show well on ultrasound so- xray #I’m worried if the xrays don’t show anything then he may stop believing me about the pain #and not decide to proceed to CT #he says insurance won’t approve MRI without abnormal xray or CT results but #my insurance has literally never questioned a single order a doctor has sent #I’ve definitely had MRIs for things without abnormal results from other tests #but that’s ok #I love MRIs tho they’re so relaxing 2 me #Makes me feel like I’ve been abducted by aliens #in a good way lmao idk #the only thing I’ve ever even had to get prior authorization for was when I could only have name brand adderall #if you live in Ohio and have Medicaid I promise you CareSource is the best option they have #if you’re on a different Medicaid plan and they give you trouble you should def switch to caresource

[vulpixelates]

oijeaofi i am so tired of being sick 😩👎

#sorry i need to complain about how sick i feel and didn't want to bother anyone 😭 feel free to ignore this #turns out that blueberries are my NEMESIS and i only found this out after eating them for three breakfasts straight aofeijaoi #so my entire body is inflamed and my intestines are trying to kill me every time i eat even if it's the most low fodmap food ever #i hope things sort themselves out soon aeoifaj i've been trying to ween myself off of taking so much ibuprofen but like #i'm just in so much pain all of the time 😭😭 #unless i eat like. the blandest food in the world and also lay flat on my back all day and stare at the ceiling which makes me want to die #i had been in kind of a good place where i wasn't getting tummy sick as much but lately it's been so bad #i've quit all caffeine now too hoping it will help so i'm exhausted from that aeofiaoijf it's just a disaster #and i've been having cold-like/allergy symptoms for like a month lmao awoiefajoi it's just never ending!!! #even my period gives me flu-like symptoms #i need to go to a doctor about it but there's not much they can do for half of the things that are wrong w me aoijefaoi #i feel like the most they'll do is give me muscle relaxers for the tmj and i don't want to be on heavy duty meds like that aiewojf #uuuggggghhhhhhhhhhh #*dykeposting

[revasserium]

It's been ages since I wrote a chaptered fic. The last time, I think I was around 17-18. My word count was much lower though. My dilemma now is that my word count is significantly higher and right now I'm covering like, a "back story"? Like covering what happens before the main plot takes place. I wanted to keep it to three chapters, covering each year for school. But it's looking like I have a lot of stuff in the last chapter.

My question is, how do you break sections apart in a chapter without it looking too messy and all over the place? I considered breaking it up into smaller chapters but figured it might mess up the flow somehow.

Hm... so, this is going to be a longer answer so I'll put it under a read more :)

I think the "skill" of writing well comes not from being able to format a story so it doesn't look messy, but rather to write it well enough that it doesn't read as messy. i'm really lazy with this so when i don't wanna put in the work of like... making good transitions, i'll do the thing where i number parts of a fic and then just write like... vignettes basically LOL

for me, MOST of the time, it's me being lazy, and i'm alright with that. if this is just for funsies and you just wanna get from point a to point c without having to worry too hard about continuity or point b, then just do that, have a physical line-break!

if you wanna do the HARD thing, then you gotta like. reevaluate the chapter and ask urself, are these physical visual breaks needed because you were too lazy with your writing to lay down the foundations in text? because any good editor will probably tell you that you should lean on visual/physical things last in the medium of text/storytelling. not that you shouldn't or that there aren't fantastic instances of the layout of the text being just as important as the actual text itself (read: house of leaves) BUT, the text itself should do most of the heavy lifting, right.

so yeah! that's how i'd look at it. if you wanna do the Good Writing for urself, then you're gonna have to edit your story to make the writing better. if you wanna do the Fun Writing (which can also be the Good Writing; they're not mutually exclusive LOL) and it's literally just for u to like enjoy the content and not the form, then do whatever you want! leave it messy if u don't wanna do physical layout things!!! it's literally up to you :D

#and pls take this with a grain of salt lmfao i am literally a rando on the internet who happens to like writing silly lil fics #what i think is Good Writing is purely based on the things that ive been taught and have consumed so it might totally be off base #for some and very aligned with others -- moral of the story is -- do what you want! :D it's all for fun and hopefully a relaxing thing! #now if you're like writing a thing that you're pitching to editors and publishing houses that's a totally different thing LOL #and i would be very ill-equipt to give you advice there bc i have never pitched anything to a traditional publishing house ever HAHAHAH #all ive ever done is writing vaguely worded smut for phone games #🌧 raindrops

[protonpowered]

No thoughts, head full of nefarious

#not even anything i can fully articulate rn #been having a lot of witts nef thoughts #like when the do finally get together #at first he isnt quite sure what to do with it #with himself #but then he slowly relaxes into the comfort amd security of having and being in a relationship #and then he never ever wants to leave it #the man is starved for both touch and positive social connections #ofc he is going to latch onto to someone anyone who respects and treats him well #damn i wish i could draw better