#I felt empaty for you

[enyter]

when you find out that the dark and twisted character is not just misunderstood, but really dark and twisted...

#malevolent #malevolent podcast #malevolent john #I trusted you #I felt empaty for you #but you betrayed arthur #that was not nice #handing him to the police #after he helped you so much #fuck you john #memes #meme #AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

[cinemaspoppycornuwu]

[You and Sanji got married]

["MINORS DO NOT INTERACT" Header made by @benkeibear ]

This fic is originally made for my beloved friend who gives me unconditional support @syntheticseraton1n . But anyone who reads this can feel self inserted here. Nala, sweetie, I hope you like the wedding I prepared for you. And readers who don't like NSFW, it is okay, cause the first part of the fic is actually SFW! Just a fun wedding and meeting of friends 🥰

But still, I think I messed up with the whole fanfic and ruined it. Sorry, One Piece fans. Sorry, Sanji simps 😭😭😭

╭──────────.★..─╮

Wedding OST 🎶 (might add more sooner or later, dunno)

1. Nupcial march [violin] (When bride comes in);

2. Barbie 12 dancing princess theme (Couple dance);

3. The wellerman [violin];

4. Hey Brother [cello] (Avicii);

5. Wake me up [cello] (Avicii again);

6. Angel eyes (Abba);

7. YMCA (Village People);

8. California Gurls (Katy Perry);

9. Work (forró version - Rihanna);

The list goes on but it would take too long to put EVERYTHING!

╰─..★.──────────╯

Honestly, you couldn't be more thankful when you met the strawhats. Everyone there is so cheerful, almost looking like a daycare of children but grown up. Your captain, Monkey D. Luffy was the most childish but he had an empaty ability. Luffy always had that sense inside on his heart to know when people were good or bad.

And then there was your beloved Sanji. The guy who would marry you in that sunny and bright day. Blonde has always been supportive and gentle with you, especially when he joined the crew. Everything in him was so charming. His greyish-blue eyes, the way he lights up his cigarrette to smoke away from you (to not bother with the smell) and makes sure the smell fades away later so he can be closer, his heart shaped eyes when talking to you (well, honestly, for any woman). When he genuinely confessed to you in a wonderful night, your heart did a backflip. It was the very first time you felt like that: butterflies fluttering in your stomach, trembling a little bit, teary emotional eyes, cheeks as red as the most stunning rose. And when Sanji proposed to you? Gosh, it was a disaster because Luffy ate everything Sanji has prepared for both of you. But you accepted him with no hesitation.

Today, was your wedding day. Nami was helping you get ready to get married in the amazing Thousand Sunny. Of course that the ginger one and Sanji thought of marrying somewhere else better for you. But Thousand Sunny has given all of you guys great memories and it meant so much for you, just like the resting in peace now Golden Merry. The gold digger young navigator stopped and helped you dry your tears.

—Just look at you, S/O... You are so wonderful! - the dress was a strapless white one with laces on it. Nami also chose good jewerly to put in your ears and in your neck, giving a special touch on it. Your hair was decorated in an elegant messy bun with flowers on it. Your makeup wasn't that heavy but very perfect for the ocasion. And so were the heels. Not too tight but made you look a little bit taller to kiss Sanji.

—I've... I've never been so beautiful... Oh, Nami, this means so much to me!

—Hey there, it is okay! Just don't cry or the makeup will run! - she said, containing her tears as she gave a friendly kiss on your forehead - Are you ready?

—Of course! Our captain must be waiting for us since he for sure is hungry - the both of you laughed at the comment about the captain - Let's go.

—Just one more detail - Nami stops and gives you a bouquet of fake flowers. Since you guys spent more time in the ship than in the lands, Nami made sure to buy fake flowers for the wedding before the trip to the island where you guys would stay. The flowers may not be real, but the reciprocate love between you and Sanji for sure was.

When getting out of the cabin, everyone was waiting there. Robin was reading her speech to make the cerimony happen, Luffy was already stuffing his mouth with meat, but what had surprised you the most was seeing Zoro being Sanji's wingman. Everyone knows they fight a lot but deep inside, care for each other just like brothers. Speaking of him, he was impecable! Sanji wore his best suit and even put a red rose as a decoration.

—You look amazing, ma cherrie... - Sanji says with a weak whisper as his eyes get filled with tears. You, in response, comfort him with your healing touch.

—Everyone, except for the main couple, sit please - Robin said - Strawhats, we are here together to celebrate a very special ocasion. It isn't everyday someone gets married in a ship. And this is a very special one. We are here to celebrate not only their love. But also their companionship as well. This time, the couple destiny predicted was Sanji and Y/N. I gotta speak some words by myself as well. I was hoping for you two get married and look at everyone now - she laughed - You guys even managed to get our captain all dressed up.

—Robiiiiiiin! This itches! Can I take it oof? - Luffy said impatient.

—The bowtie isn't that tight, Luffy! - Nami growled before noticing Robin adjusting Luffy's bowtie with her devil fruit.

—Back to the cerimony, I want you two to know that this whole crew loves you both!

—Chopper, the rings, please! - Robin called and the tiny reeinder came all happy and proud. He even stood in the point of his hooves to give you both the rings, but the raven haired beauty gave him a little help as well - Now your vows, please.

—Sanji, you are my everything. My moon. My sun. My stars. My whole world. I, Y/N, want to be loyal with body and soul to you. You own my heart. You had saw me at the worse of the moments, saw my deepest fears and I am taking the best decision of my life right here, right now. We finished one chapter of our lives and we are starting a new one - you had to use a mini stair to reach Sanji's cheek so you could kiss it gently, leaving the blonde with goose bumps. He helped you go down

—I, Sanji, promise to always hold your hand and never let go. To comfort you when sadness comes, And the most important: be loyal and loving you no matter what happens. I'll be your light, always - he spoke softly but still with all certain in the world while holding your hand as if you were made of porcelain, kissing softly your hand - And of course, do your favourite meals.

You giggled at the last part.

Everyone was so happy for the two of you and all of them with no exception helped in the decoration of the wedding party. Chopper even did a special chocolate candy. Even Luffy did part of the decoration even though he slept while doing it. You could see Franky crying hard while blowing his nose. He got emotional, someone please give the capitalist cyborg an hamburguer later. And Usopp was in the very same state as Franky. Both held hands while imaging a life like that.

—Sanji, do you accept Y/N as your‐

—Yes.

—And, Y/N, do you accept Sanji as‐

—Yes.

Robin snorted and let out a laugh before finally saying as clear as crystal:

—I happily announce you two as husband and wife! You can kiss now!

—Come here, mon coeur! (Come here, my heart!) - Sanji held your waist, lifted and pulled you closer for a passionate and loving kiss.

There were petals thrown by Nami, Robin's multiple arms due to her Akuma no Mi, Luffy and even Chopper. Let's be honest, he was trying his best in his daily form (boi was sparing rumber balls for important ocasions). Zoro even let out a laugh and said:

—NOW LET THE F*CKING PARTY BEGIN! CHEERS! - he grabbed the first alchool bottle and chugged down half of the bottle.

As soon as the magical kiss ended, Sanji adjusted a string of your hair behind your ear and gave another kiss, but this time, in your cheek. His greyish-blue eyes filled with emotions that he couldn't speak but you understood him better than anyone else.

The party was absolutely amazing! Brook already got his violin on point for the first dance of the night between you and Sanji. Your knight held your waist gently within one hand and with the other, your hand. He had whispered some words before you felt like you were on a fairytale during the song.

—I don't deserve you...

You replied by giving a soft quick peck on his lips that said more than words. Once it ended, everyone clapped and Luffy said automatically to put on a more cheered up music which literally made him drag Usopp and Chopper to dance. You decided to dance with Nami and Franky just for funsies while Brook danced while playing his violin. Sanji danced with Nami, Robin, Chopper (honestly, these two were so adorable together) and even Zoro. Only booze to make them feel like that sometimes. You guys danced and singed for like, 4-5 hours straight. And of course, Luffy ate his daily meats in a corner (some angel had prepared for that monster).

—Attention everyone, the bride will throw the bouquet! 1... 2... 3... Whooo! - and the lucky one to got was... Usopp! (THIS WRITER SHIPS USOPP AND KAYA, OKAY? 😭)

—Sanji! Y/N! Come here!

—Hm? What happened, miss Nami?

—I got a room for the two of you in the hotel.

—Of that lesbian couple of old ladies? - you asked.

—Those two! I talked to them about your wedding and guess what? You two will sleep in the best room!

[HERE BEGINS THE NSFW PART YOU ALL BEEN WAITING FOR, YOU HORNI ONES]

While the whole crew rested on the ship, Nami had reserved a special room for you and Sanji spent the night as a couple. If you know what I mean. Sanji carried you in the most gentle bridal style way and when the door was finally locked, leaving the two of you, both of you were impressed! Nami actually chose a great suite! With even a frigobar, special bathtub with candles, a very comfy bed and anything a newly married couple could want and get in a room. The ginger navigator even included the best breakfast for the next morning.

You could feel your husband smirk in a devilish way and you were right. He started to attack your neck with teasing kisses, starting to get you ready for what you two are about to do.

—Sanji! C-Can we have a bath first?

—Of course! Plus... I know this dress makes you like a queen but I guess tonight it would look better on the floor~ Hm~? - that was everything he said before seeing you fully red. He gently placed you on the bed before removing his fancy suit and put them in some wardrobe. He noticed they also had put robes and towels. Man, for sure these people are prepared.

—Sanji, I can't reach my back. Can you help me? - before you could even think of anything else to speak, the dress was off, revealing the white lacey underwear that Nami also bought you.

—My~ I am trully in heaven~ - he whispered as he removed his pants and then his socks. And finally, his underwear, revealing his dwong, slightly hard and you were impressed of how his pubic hair was slightly blonde as well. Anime logic? Fanfic logic? Where? Logic? What is this? Is it to eat?

As soon as both of you emerged in the bathtub all naked, you reached to get the soap so you could wash your body.

—Soft... - he said as he placed a kiss on your shoulder but quickly cleaned his mouth because it was with soap as well. You laughed at his reaction - Oh, it is like this, then? Already wanting a little punishment in our first night as a couple?

—Oh, you're such a tease~

—I can't help if my love is looking so sexy right now~

—Hehehe~ Let's go once we finish here~

Even though Sanji was excited for the moment, he still helped you wash the body like the gentleman he is with no rush, just loving and appreciating the process. Once he finished, he got a towel to dry both of you and by your surprise, he picked you up like if you were a potato sack and ran to the amazing comfy bed. Now he could begin properly. Sanji started attacking your lips.

His kisses are normally sweet outside (and even with the) sheets. But this time, he was desperate, starving, as if your lips were the last thing that could keep him still but at the same time, weak on his knees. He then went down to your neck, giving small but loving hickeys to remind you how much loved you are for him. With each kiss, your heart increased the beatings. When you less noticed, blonde cook was already in your most sensitive area: your cherry.

—Well... Bon appetit. For me~ - that was his only warning of what it was about to come. It is like that his tongue does magic with your clit and pussy. He knows exactly where to stimulate you and at which speed. Not too slow for you not be teased but also not too fast for you to come quickly, he wants you to enjoy the moment but let's be real: he is enjoying way more for sure. Your fluids were like the best tea for him.

—San... San... Ji...~♡! Aaah~♡

—Don't need to be shy, love~ Just let me hear that sweet voice~ We have the whole night for ourselves... - he lost his composture as soon as you gently touched his head as a sign for you to go further. That was more than enough to get his motor going working harder.

—I'm... I-I-I'm...

—Hm...?

—I'm close!

—Yay! - he let out an "yay" just like a cute adorable kid who had recieved the best chocolate bar. But it was only a gentleman eating a pussy. And you are the wife of that gentleman now - Go on for me, princess~

With one more yelp, Sanji thanked mentally for the tea and made sure to not miss anything released.

—What a yummy meal, my love~ Now, I guess for being such a good girl, you deserve the main part~ Just let me get the condom—

Your hand slapped his gently which made him widen his eyes like "wtf". You spoke softly:

—It's okay... I asked for Chopper to make something for me...

—And how did he reacted?

—He got embarassed. I need to apologize to him once the honey moon ends... Poor fella - you sighed.

—Hey, it's okay. Maybe one day he will ask for his partner in some future ahead use it too.

—SANJI! - you both didn't hold the laugh.

—What? It is true!

—Why don't you come spend some... Energy with me instead thinking of Chopper's future life?

—Sounds amazing~ No condoms?

—Not this time.

With a big smirk, Sanji positioned himself between you.

—I'll go in, okay? - he whispered as he held your hand. You nodded and my, Sanji fitted perfectly on you. About his dick size, he is normal but perfect! Not too thick cause it would hurt you, not that long, but fits inside perfectly. And no matter what size he would have, he would know how to use that sword. Plus, for Sanji, sex isn't only "banana in, banana out, banana in, banana out". It is a loving moment where he can spend with you and be romantic. Sanji absolutely hates quickies and wants give all of his love to his beloved one. It didn't took that long for him to start moving inside with that "ploc ploc ploc" sound coming as well.

—Sanji...

—Shh... Just relax and let me please you... - he couldn't help but groan and let out some soft moans with you. His magical hands stimulated your exposed nipples, bringing more pleasure to your smaller figure - F*ck... But if you keep squeezing me like that I won't handle that much~ So tight...~♡

—San... I... I love you...

His heart did a tiny dance inside his body at those sweet words of yours.

—I love you too, Y/N... - he squeezed gently your hand before kissing your forehead. And it was in that moment when Sanji got a little bit more of speed on his movements, making you moan more and more. You couldn't think of anything else but Sanji loving you intensily - C-Crap... I'll release...

—Me too...

—Together... - that's all he said before kissing you intensily. In some minutes, one of your most intense orgasms finally came. Blonde, panting, kissed your forehead and stayed some minutes still inside of you before finally removing it. God blesses for whoever will clean those sheets. And may the boss give some extra pay for them.

Your husband picked you up and took to the shower just to do a quick clean before finally sleeping in bed. As soon as you two were spooning, he pulled you closer, face to face and whispered:

—The first of many of our nights as a married couple...

—Yup... Sanji, today was amazing... Not only this moment of ours but - you gigled - Our friends finally reunited as well. Even Zoro was happy!

—That marimo. He knows how to have fun sometimes as well.

—You missed him laughing and being like that as well, hm?

—Not that much.

—You admited it! I know you two are besties!

—Y/N...

—Sowwy~ Hehehe~ Let's just... Rest for a while... I got tired... Goodnight, my love...

—Bonne nuit, mon amour... Une dernière chose: je t'aime ♡ (Good night, my love... One last thing: I love you ♡)

🎶["POST-CREDIT SCENE" OF THE REST STRAWHATS WHILE SANJI WAS DOING LOWVE WITH HIS WIFE]🎶

"Take more 4, Luffy" (Nami)

"Nope" *lands one more +4* (Luffy)

*laughs and lands one more +4* (Robin)

"Yohohoho!" *purs two +2* (Brook)

"Not with me!" *puts one +2* (Franky)

"Neither me!" *puts +2* (Chopper)

"...fuck you guys..." *gets +20 cards of Uno* (Zoro)

The couple was just cuddling and being sweet in the next morning, don't worry, fellas :)

(And yes, you guys wrote a letter for princess Vivi about the wedding. She cried because she missed that moment but was so happy for the crew)

The end.

#Vinsmoke Sanji x reader #Sanji x reader #Sanji scenarios #One Piece character x reader fanfic

[cchollygolighty]

I can’t wait to meet me again in a year

To be proud, no matter what! We should be proud about the small things, small achievements, they make us strong

Even the darkest of times are blessings, and I sure felt that

You never learn from good and happy times, you learn from the nasty ones

I failed such an importante person for so long, me! I didn’t let people fail me, I did that to myself…… I was betraid, broken, left alone, made fun off, violated, and so much more, and I suffered it all in silent….but no matter how broken I got, I needed it! Life is not meant to be enjoyed, yet to be survived. I went to fucking hell, and survived. Yes hell, and yes, survived. No matter how bad every day was, I survived it, the best I could, and I should be proud of that.

2 years ago, at this exact day, I learnt that my mom had cancer, and I told no one. NO ONE! Not even her! I just heard what I wasn’t supposed to hear. Didn’t felt real at first, but I knew what I had to do. I had people to protect, no matter the sanity and things that cost me. So I pretended, everything “was fine”. I told my ex 3 week after, he wasn’t an ex back then, my guy best friend 3 months later, and my girl best friend 6 months later. Since then, I live 24/7 with the “pain” from it, and all the shit that came along the way. My 2 best friends, God be good, and I do not believe in God, I know them since 2010, and when I met them, I fell in love with them right away, yes love, cause you have love for friends right? And everyday, they moved moutains for me since then. From Pedro calling me at 3 am only to check if I was “breathing” at least 3 times a week, to Anastacia being there on every panic attack I had, and they were so many. These 2 are for life! There were so much shit I had to “survived” this past 2 years, besides my mother’s health, that almost killed me a month ago. The pain and the shit that happened to me and the people that I love on the course of these 2 years were so unbearable that my body alone started to shut down. From my skin to a kidney failure, my mental health was literally killing me from inside out. I lost myself so much that I had to get mental help, went to a psychiatrich, and I am on my second week of treatment.

Do you know what hurted the most? I pitied myself, for months. What a shame. Stupid bitch. I should be proud, I am still here, I didn’t quit, I took a “pause” and went for help, cause we all suffer in different ways. Thats amazing you know? Admitting to things, feelling, thats my favorite type of people, the ones that admit are hurting, you start lacking empaty when you hide your pain and feelings, doesn’t make you strong, makes you even more weak, makes you full of yourself, stupid, dumb. Wouldn’t the world be so much better if we share our battels? Even the little ones, the “stupid ones”? It’s not stupid to feel, it’s unnatural to not feel.

These past 2 years, I lost people, I’ve met people, some I know already that will be for life, and a lot I will never be part of it again! If you didn’t want me, care for me, demand of me, not even tried to understand me or reach to me just to check in, get the fuck out. And don’t come back! Those, are not welcome anymore. I put up with so much shit, I am a really good friend and a fucking good person.

These 2 years were hell, but above all, were a blessing!

I am the type of person that learns from mistakes, insecure but kind, I know my worth, I forgot about it for so long, but I had to, I needed to….I needed to fall to grow, to rise, and to fall hard, because the next time, I will be prepared, and I will learn even more. Knowledge, and knowledge is power, and always stay humble.

I hope in a year I meet the love of my life, the one that I should have met years ago, me! And I will love her, care for her, and never abandone her again.

A quick reminder, a simple text matter, a simple call, a simple “hi”, a simple meme, just an emoji, and a sorry means the world. Do and say what you feel, the world needs people like that. Always be kind, and remember, you never know the answer until you ask, even if you don’t like it, at least you didn’t die wondering.

[wizardessshit]

Randy's Sequel Review

SPOILER ALERT, of course

I can’t believe that when I just ended playing Randy’s route, the Sequel was relased. IT MUST BE DESTINY.

In this route, I kind of related with Liz and Randy, both. Liz was hesitating about her future career, and Randy was losing his identity.

About Randy/Serge, in his sequel we could see how the whole petrification subject was making him lost his true self. Not just because he pretended to be someone else, but also because he sacrificed himself for others.

Like, too much.

And he was kind of going insane for that, and I liked how everyone, even Azusa (well, kind of) adverted him about that.

I really liked this sequel, because actually makes you think. Not think like in a mysterious way, but to think about you, and people you love.

Randy felt the need to constantly sacrifice himself at the point that he was unable to distinguish if he was doing something for him or for somebody else, and he almost forgot what was the things that he enjoyed to do before all this. He forgot about himself, and that made him feel lonely, because nobody knew what he was going through, and he wasn’t capable to talk about that, because it was “selfish”, and the he lost confidence in everything.

But, Randy was not alone. He had Liz, who was looking how he was sacrificing himself, and in one point, she felt that she needed to do the same.

Liz, (I missed to screenshot it but) she said "I want to (become a magical creatures medic) but I feel like I need one more thing", because actually she was losing herself because she thought that she needed to adjust her life to others.

Ugh. I think that mostly everyone relates to this. I felt empaty towards her hesitant emotions, but seeing how she grew up and stood straight, and seeing how she made her desicion FOR HER and not for other, made me think “Wow, I want to make clear my goals like her”

And then she changed Serge’s mind too. Like the Headmaster said; “(She) truly have grown from that young girl who simply came here looking up to Serge. She found her path and now she’s trudging foward.”

When I saw Liz and Serge supporting each other, I thought that how many people around me would be lying to themselves, and trying to act like everythings was okay?

I knew that Azusa would help them, but I was surprised to see the gang of good boys helping them. I know that the whole school was in danger, and that's why they appeared, but I really love when other characters help in other routes. Also, that scene, to me, was like a message to know that, even if you think that you are alone, you are not.

More things that I liked about this route:

When Serge said that he loves her, and how Liz, in place of thinking that she was afraid that it would be their last time to hear that, she just replies with the conviction to hear it once again when that get out of that mess.

TO SEE THE TRUE POWER OF THE LEGENDARY SERGEEE

Seeing Headmaster with more participation in the story

That they added scenes of the prequel, like the dance scene

That they added an extra scene to the very last part of the precuel

When the signature in the journals changed from Randy to Serge

To see how much Randy knows about Serge, and how he melted his heart, like what Serge is trying to do to Azusa.

And this constant message:

I questioned if really Liz was going to be able to Queensblade or not, because I was wondering how would be the rest of the routes in Sword of the Queen series. Like, this sequel takes before Liz becomes a prefect, that means that she hasn't met the night class. But if she goes to Queensblade, and doesn't become a prefect, then she'll never be able to see them or characters like Caesar, Alfonse, and Lucious. So, their routes would be take in a parallel universe?

You see? The time line it's a mess!

Also, if she transfers, the rest of the characters won't be able to live together with her, so there would be a bunch of new characters? I don't like when old character get pushed away because of the new and more popular ones tho.

In the scene where she goes to the interview, the Queensblade Headmaster didn't have an image or a shadow figure, so I was really questioning if she was really going to be accepted, or things would turn to make her stay in Geodelune.

But I'm happy for her and I look forward to know what would happen with Geodelune. I wonder if it's vinculated with the vision of the future that Hugo showed in Lucious's route?

And to end, my favorite scenes include:

Oof, sorry for taking so long. I hope that you enjoyed this review! Thanks for reading!

#shall we date #wizardess heart #randy march #serge durandal #liz hart #review

[ceritayolis]

Toxic Positivity Eats Me Alive

Apa itu toxic positivity? Mungkin ada yang sudah tahu, tapi tak jarang juga banyak yang belum pernah mendengar istilah itu sebelumnya, termasuk aku. Setelah membaca banyak tentang toxic positivity, aku sadar that i’ve been a victim all of this time. Dikarenakan ketidaktahuan tentang hal ini, banyak diantara kita telah menjadi ‘korban’ atau bahkan ‘pelaku’ toxic positivity secara tidak sengaja.

Pada gambar di atas sudah cukup mewakili dengan sangat jelas bedanya toxic positivity dengan empathy yang sesungguhnya. Di sini aku tidak akan membahas definisi mendalam tentang toxic positivity itu sendiri, yah kalo mau tau lebih lanjut silahkan googling atau baca literasi yang sesuai.

Di sini aku cuma mau bilang bahwa aku telah menjadi korban toxic positivity. Hal ini baru aku sadari selama beberapa bulan belakangan ini, dan sebelum menyadarinya my life felt so wrong like there’s no such thing i could do anything right. Well, it’s not like nowadays is much better either but at least now i realize that i wasn’t and am not at any fault.

i have been bear all my pains only to myself, i can’t talk to anyone about my problem because i have trust issue and anxiety toward other people. Tapi ironinya ketika aku mencoba mengungkapkan perasaanku di sosial media, adaaaa aja orang yang nyinyir like dude! it’s my OWN social media, terserah aku dong ah mau share apa, kalo ga suka ya feel free to unfoll aja sih. I’ve been told like i’m too sensitive, baperan, cry baby, or “don’t you tired of crying?” or “banyak yang lebih parah dari kamu, nyantai aja ga usah stress” or “kamu kurang bersyukur” daann masih banyak lainnya. Seriously people, i quit facebook and blogging years ago because of the same reason, dan sekarang terulang lagi di IG. So, i’ve been telling to shut my sadness off, stop my tears, and just smiling like nothing happen. Yeah, literally people told me to wear a fake smile and don’t feel anything. No, thank you I’ll do what i want on my OWN social media.

Aku merasa manusia jaman sekarang sudah tidak bisa membedakan antara toxic positivity dan empati yang sesungguhnya. Atau bisa jadi karena tuntutan dunia yang semakin keras sehingga empati pun semakin berkurang di muka bumi ini? Aku hanya berharap akan semakin banyak manusia yang mulai sadar akan pentingnya rasa empati. Please, prove to me that the humanity is still alive. Kami hanya ingin didengar tanpa diceramahi apalagi dihakimi. Kami hanya ingin dipeluk, dicintai, dan diinginkan. Jika kamu tidak mengerti rasa sakit ini, tidak apa-apa justru bagus itu artinya kamu tidak pernah merasakan yang aku rasakan. But, just because you don’t understand it that doesn’t mean you can judge me. Unless you are a God, you can’t judge other people. It’s not about what’s wrong with me, but it’s about what happened to me.

[faangirl101]

All you need, Prologue

Avengers x reader, Tony stark x reader

Summary: It was not meant to happen, but it did. There i was, on the steps of the stark tower, in the pouring rain. I dont know why Tony let me in, maybe it was the tears down my cheeks or maybe the wet clothes clinging on my body. Thats when i met the avengers, a bunch of train wrecks huddled up in seperated rooms with crippling deppresion and anixety. I think they saved me, but they think i saved them. Maybe they were to long gone for my fixing or maybe all it needed was new baked cookies and a movie marathon.

Warnings: Mention of almost abuse

                                                   MASTERLIST

                                                 {Prologue}

I pounded on the door, my heart racing like crazy. My breath was stuck in my throat, blocking all access of air. I was glad it was pouring heavenly behind me so the tears running down my cheeks were as good as invisible. I felt the urge to give up, to turn my heel and leave, but i stayed. I needed shelter, i needed somewhere safe. Just when i was about to start running in the rain a click made the door open slowly. The inside looked expensive, like the rest of the house. White and modern. The otherside of the heavy grey door was empty, leaving me in a state of confusion. Who opened the door? I had to get inside either way, i was freezing my ass out here. I slipped inside, letting the door hit my backside as it closed. I bent over, resting my hands on top of my knees. “Who are you”, i whipped my head up just to be met by silence. “I”, i opened my mouth, trying to push down the lump “my name is y/n”. It took a few moments until it clicked, it wasn't a real person but just robot. You know, like alexa or siri. i let out the breath, hugging the jacket closer to my shivering body. “Your body gives off extremely high stress levels and your heartbeat is dangerously high”, the voice almost sounded british in a way “you're in shock”. I nodded, not sure at where i was supposed to nod. That's when the door in the end of the corridore opened and a older man stepped out. I recognized him, but it was hard to put a name on the handsome face behind my blurry eyes.

A perfectly trimmed beard covered his chin and his dark hair was a mess on top of his head as if he just woke up from a nap. He was dressed in a loose pair of grey sweatshirts and a vintage iron maiden shirt.

“Hey, hey”, he had a calming voice as he moved closer to me. I backed away in instinct, my back hitting the door behind me. “Mr stark, her heartbeat is raising”, the robotic voice stated. The man kept eye contact with me as he answered the robot “yes, Jarvis, i understood that. Is she cold?”. Jarvis hummed, and you figured he was scanning your body. “Yes, i'm afraid she might catch a cold if she doesn't warm up immediately”. The man nodded for himself as he moved slower to me with careful legs as i he was nearing a  dangerous predator. “My name is Tony, are you alright?”, he asked, his chestnut eyes scanning your tears striped rosy cheeks. You dried your nose, trying to calm your shaking hands “I'm sorry to… just barge in”. He smiled sweetly “Its okay, you looked like you needed some help.”. I nodded, stepping closer even if my whole body was begging me not to. “I recognize you”, i looked down my wet sneakers “you're the smart rich guy, stark”. Tony chuckled and rubbed the backside of his neck “Yeah, the one and only”. I met his eyes, trying not to break down in tears at the soft look he was giving me. “Stark means strong in german”, i muttered and now i was just a arm length from him. His hand slowly made its way to my upper arm to give it a soft squeeze “well i'm not that strong”. I snorted in disbelief and he chuckled. “Come”, he gave me a soft smile “lets get you warm”.

I sipped on the apple cinnamon tea Tony had given me, enjoying how it  warmed the depths of my stomach. The blanket on my weak bruised shoulders didn't feel so heavy anymore but rather….. nice. I looked down at the clean and dry shirt Tony had given me, a shirt with the text “are you my appendix? because i have a gut feeling i should take you out”.

I chuckled for myself, taking another big gulp. I moved some of my wet hair behind my ears and looked up as i heard steps getting closer. I looked up expecting to see Tony return… but he wasn't alone. Behind him, quick in his steps were a group of people i knew i had seen before. On television, youtube, the newspaper and always as a relevant topic in all conversation.  The avengers.

“Are you alright?”, captain america, aka steve fucking rogers, asked me with a sweet careful tone. This guy was a legend, a national hero. I remembered getting taught about his great success for america in the second world war.He wasn't wearing his normal suit but some tight jeans and a black t-shirt. He had some beard growing along his chin iv never seen on pictures but it suited him. “Ay ay, captain”, i said quietly, scared my voice might crack. Steves whole face lit up like a christmas tree and i saw him try to hide the smug smile. “are ya ready kids”, i heard someone mumble quietly behind the crowd of people. I leaned to the side to see a boy around my age with wavy curls and an iron man shirt looking down his fluffy socks. He was adorable, and there was just something about him that made me want to wrap blankets around him and braid his hair. “Ay ay captain”, i repeated, too well familiar  with the meme, which in any case seemed to please the boy. He wasn't as good as steve to hide the smile.

Tony sat down next to me while the rest of the people stood almost awkwardly next to the couch. I recognized most of them. Black widow, Thor, Clint and bruce banner. He was a legend as well, they were all legend. And me? i was just another boring mortal. It was odd seeing them without their normal chose of clothes but just instead saturday night type of clothes.

“What happened?”, Tony laid an arm around the back rest of the couch, his fingers centimeters from my shoulder. I took a shuddered breath, trying to push down the sudden anxiety threatening in my chest. “Um”, i look down at the patterns of tea in the bottom of the mug “i was walking home and i got jumped. They had a gun and…… and they tried to take off my shirt so i just, just kicked them in the nuts and ran to the closer building”. The room feel quite, uncomfortable quiet. i was to scared to look up from my mug. of course they would think i was weak, here i was almost sobbing from a failed robbery while all of them have been through so much more traumatic shit daily. A hand on my shoulder made me flinch back to reality. I raised my head, ignoring how my entire body would rather just fall asleep. All of the faces that met my was dipped in true empati and some anger. Black widow was the first one to break the silence with a whistle “kick em in the nuts? attam girl”.

I couldn't help but to smile. Black widow was talking to me, i was freaking out. “I will kill these foolish men for daring to touch ms pretty human girl”, Thor raised his hammer in the air, some bolts shooting lightly from it similar to spark. Steve grasped around Thor's thick arm “No one is killing any one”. he then turned to me “Trust me, i know how it is getting jumped in alleys, but yours must have been more traumatic. You can crash on my bed”. I blushed, admiring his honest kindness. Tony snorted “i know you wanna be a gentleman and all that, captain spandex, but i'm literally a millionaire. I own like 15 guestrooms. You can crash for as long as you like y/n”. I smiled at him before looking down my pale hands “i don't wanna be in the way for the mightiest heros of earth”. i heard some snickers, and tried to hide the smile. “Please”, Bruce smiled nervously behind his glasses “we would need some normal company around here”.

And that's how i started living at the stark tower.

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[urfa-qurrota-ainy]

negative vibes part 1

source

“To become a good swimmer, first you have to trust the wave.”

Saya pernah mengalami masa-masa yang sulit bagi emosi saya selama berbulan-bulan. Dan saya tidak ragu untuk mengakuinya di sini. I felt so depressed and anxious that I wanted to have a long sleep but too afraid to close my eyes. Tapi di saat lain, saya bisa tidur seharian meski setelah bangun tetap merasa lelah. I cried like a baby. A lot. Jantung saya berdebar kencang tiap kali melihat jam, kalender, atau kapanpun ketika saya merasakan waktu berlari, hari berganti, dan mati bisa datang kapan saja. Saya enggan melihat foto-foto masa lalu, kenangan-kenangan yang diingatkan Facebook, atau kenangan yang saya simpan dalam memori sendiri karena semua itu bikin saya sedih. Karena itu bikin saya merasa hidup saya sia-sia. Tapi, saya juga tak mampu merencanakan apa yang harus saya lakukan esok pagi, dan esoknya, dan esoknya karena saya keburu cemas sebelum memikirkannya. Rasanya seperti terimpit di antara kandang naga dan medusa, bahkan lebih buruk karena keduanya hanya makhluk rekaan, meanwhile… my feelings were real.

Saya mengingat lagi pelajaran-pelajaran yang saya dapat tentang cara menenangkan diri, afirmasi positif, dan sebagainya. Berhasil….sebentar. Lalu mereka datang lagi.

Saya ngga bisa menjelaskan bagaimana semua ini bermula, kenapa saya merasakan hal-hal itu. rasanya ibarat tertimpa gunung yang longsor, runtuh begitu saja. 

Saya cerita ke pasangan, dan itu malah bikin saya malu, karena merasa hidup saya terlalu negatif dan ngga layak menyusahkan hidupnya yang positif. I spread negative vibes, and I felt guilty for that. Cerita ke orang lain apalagi. I would be a shame.

Di penghujung masa sulit itu, saya berubah. My heart was numb. saya ngga lagi punya ketertarikan pada hal-hal bertagar positive vibes, saya sangsi pada kata-kata bernuansa optimisme, saya alergi pada motivasi-motivasi positif, saya ngga bisa lagi menikmati ide-ide tentang pikiran positif, bahkan jika itu pernah keluar dari mulut atau tangan saya sendiri–dalam bentuk tulisan atau perkataan. saya alergi pada status, caption, bahkan sosok (maya maupun nyata) yang extremely positive. sesuatu yang saat itu saya anggap sebagai bagian dari Pollyanna syndrome: kecenderungan untuk terus menerus merasa optimis, senang, positif, tapi seringkali tidak realistis.

I lost my connection with positive pole. I moved to negative pole. I lived there for weeks and met them: darkness, bad things, bad feelings, hatred, pessimism, depression, illness, and couple more things.

hal-hal yang sering dicampakkan. dianggap racun. dianggap sebagai penghalang kebahagiaan. dijauhkan dari anak-anak. diperkenalkan sebagai musuh bersama, tidak diterima, tak juga mendapat sekadar “Hello”.

poor negatron

dalam situasi yang demikian, saya merasakan empati yang luar biasa pada orang-orang di luar sana yang sedang mengalami ‘kekalahan’. mereka yang diasingkan karena berandal, mereka yang dihukum karena kriminal, mereka yang tak mendapat apa yang motivator janjikan: kemudahan hidup dan kebahagiaan sejati. sedangkan di sisi lainnya, orang-orang sibuk dengan ‘cahaya positifnya’ sendiri-sendiri, membangun menara ‘kesenangannya’ sendiri-sendiri, memoles ‘kemolekan’ dirinya sendiri-sendiri di media–yang seringkali palsu. apa artinya semua itu jika tak menjadikan kita lebih peduli?

hanya karena seseorang terlahir dari lingkungan buruk, dari keluarga yang pecah, dari pendidikan yang minim, dari kondisi keuangan yang melilit, or just simply mengalami nasib buruk dalam hidupnya, yang membuat hidupnya jauh dari jangkauan frekuensi positive vibes, yang membuat mereka berkawan dengan perjuangan yang keras, kesendirian, keperihan, depresi, pikiran negatif, bahkan keputusasaan, bukan berarti mereka kalah dan boleh ditinggalkan.

bad things happen to everyone, everyday, always. no requirement needed. no terms nor conditions applied. no algorithm can save anyone from it.

setelah itu, saya jadi berkawan dengan dunia di kutub negatif. melihat berbagai hal dari sudut negatifnya. saya merasakan negative vibes dalam diri saya.

apakah negative thinking itu selalu buruk? ternyata tidak juga. 

berpikir negatif sebenarnya kan unsur penting dalam proses antisipasi masalah yang akan terjadi. kalau polisi bisa mencegah perampokan atau mengungkap pelaku pembunuhan, itu juga karena peran pikiran negatif. 

tentu berpikir positif punya dampak baik terhadap kesejahteraan mental. tapi, terlalu ‘positif’ juga ternyata ngga selalu bagus. maksud saya, ya sudah, kita alamiah saja. hal buruk pasti terjadi, itu kenyataannya. kita ngga selamanya merasa happy, kita juga perlu merasa sedih, marah, jijik, takut. kita bakal kacau kalau menghindar dari pengalaman dan perasaan negatif. kita ngga bisa mengendalikan semua masalah. 

terlalu ‘positif’ yang ekstrem, justru bikin kita susah hidup dalam realita. berpikir positif malah bisa kontraproduktif kalau itu membuat kita menolak mengakui hal-hal yang menyakitkan dalam hidup yang tak bisa dihindari (akan dibahas lebih lanjut di tulisan bagian 2).

selain itu, terlalu berlebihan dalam menampilkan sisi positif atau terlalu berlebihan dalam usaha meyakinkan diri bahwa ‘hidup akan baik-baik saja selama saya berpikir positif’, bisa menimbulkan ekses yang ngga kita duga: mereka yang sedang merasa gagal dalam menggapai hidup yang baik-baik saja akan semakin terpuruk dan menyalahkan diri mereka sendiri karena tidak bisa tampil seceria dan sepositif itu. alih-alih menyebarkan positive vibes, yang tersebar bisa jadi malah vibes seputar kompetisi, seperti, “Look, I’m positive, I’m the inspirator, my life is fruitful, what about yours?” sejujurnya, untuk orang-orang dengan self-esteem (penilaian tentang seberapa berharga diri sendiri) yang rendah, kalimat-kalimat sepositif apapun ngga bisa memperbaiki self-esteem mereka, malah bisa berbalik jadi bumerang buat mereka. itu malah bisa mengingatkan mereka soal kegagalan yang pernah mereka alami, berapa banyak tujuan yang tak tercapai, berapa banyak kekecewaan yang ia hadapi, dan berapa kali ia merasa dirinya tidak berharga.

tapi, yah. kita ngga punya kewajiban menyenangkan semua orang juga sih. menampilkan sisi positif yang berlebihan di media sosial maupun di hidup yang nyata adalah hak semua orang. perasaan iri, tertinggal, kalah, atau apapun namanya, yang dialami orang lain karena melihatnya bukan urusan kita lagi, toh kita kan ngga bermaksud bikin orang iri, ya? salah sendiri merasa iri dan tertinggal dan negatif dan terpuruk dan depresi dan putus asa. kita mah membangun menara ‘kesenangan’ kita sendiri-sendiri aja. hm, yang kalimat terakhir kayak pernah baca. di mana ya? de javu~

tulisan ini masih panjang, karena itu akan bersambung ke bagian 2: tentang cara pandang alternatif terhadap pengalaman dan emosi negatif juga terhadap negative vibes, tentang percaya pada ombak alih-alih memberontak dan tenggelam, dan tentang bagian akhir soal masa sulit yang saya ceritakan di awal tulisan.

bagian kedua sudah diunggah, silakan baca di sini.

#manusia dan keunikannya

[camullia]

harmless thing (that can be harmful)

akhir-akhir ini i learn things in a hard way sampe mengubah beberapa cara berpikirku tanpa aku sadari. 

aku sadar tidak ada salahnya menjadi abu-abu dalam banyak aspek. objektif, yang berarti bersikap sesuai keaadan yang sebenarnya tanpa pengaruh pendapat pribadi, menghargai a hingga z. tapi entah kenapa justru hal tersebut membuat aku menjadi lemah dalam berempati. berteori pada hal yang aku tidak pahami karena tidak pernah mengalami.

beberapa jam yang lalu abis diceritain sama satu sahabat mengenai hubungannya. suatu hal terjadi. kutanya apa yang ia rasakan mengenai itu. jawabnya: resah. secara otomatis terpikir olehku yang umum terjadi di dunia bahwa ada A dan B untuk dipilih demi menyelesaikan keresahannya. such a jalan pikiran yang masuk akal. A sahih in some way, B sejati in some way. meski begitu harus ada yang dipilih, A yang juga cacat in some way atau B yang juga janggal in some way. namanya juga pilihan.

sambil menunggu ia menyelesaikan keresahannya, aku memikirkan ulang reaksi yang belum kuutarakan tersebut. disini aku baru menyadari sesuatu. selama ini (terhitung dari akhir-akhir ini) aku cuma menggunakan kepalaku, tidak ada empati. memilih objektif. abu-abu. yang sebetulnya sangat lack of emotion. aku tidak mempertimbangkan perasaanku utk hal itu, pun perasaan temanku yang harus memilih. aku hanya fokus pada teori, terutama ketika ia sudah tau what the options are. memilih tentunya tidak mudah. akal dan perasaan harus dilibatkan. untuk masalah perasaan rupanya aku ignorant, ga mau tau tentang perasaan apapun. saking abu-abunya sampe ga sadar kalo sedang mengarah ke apati. dan wow, betapa “tersadarkan”nya aku kalo aku sudah melakukan ini beberapa kali (yang artinya banyak).

am i objective, or just don’t care?

jauh di alam bawah sadar aku memutuskan bahwa relationship is dumb, blind, ribet, buang-buang waktu. that’s what it is kalo aku cuma pake kepala aja, karena semua pilihan dalam hubungan itu jadi terlihat sama. makanya waktu aku denger temenku ini resah/bingung, aku ikutan bingung “hah ngapain seh bingunggggg ayo milih tinggal milih aja?” meski aku tau apapun pilihannya itu adalah yang terbaik buat dia, menyupport their choice. padahal kan dalam memilih dia MESTI menggunakan hatinya. katakanlah A bener nih, bisa dipilih kalo mau mencapai suatu tujuan, tapi apakah itu artinya B layak untuk tidak dipilih, padahal B tuh yang bisa membuat dia merasakan sesuatu, yang jarang banget bisa kejadian di selain B. ya kalo akusih akan ku kembalikan lagi ke kamu ke hatimu. hati knows what’s best for you even for the most tidak masuk akal things. jal ndasmu kon milih meh milih seng ndi jon ngelu.

untuk itu, aku merasa bodoh dan aneh sekali dengan statement bawah sadarku mengenai relationship. yakalo gitu ngapain aku sendiri juga pengen ketemu dan berhubungan sama manusia lain, such a dumb, blind, ribet dan buang-buang waktu thing. i don’t wanna use any feelings or emotions untuk membuat hubungan sama orang lain. see the stupidness here. hubungan itu kan bukan cuma untuk bikin pilihan-pilihan yang tepat doang, tapi harus dipilih juga. gamau feeling anything berarti tidak menggunakan hati. kalo begitu ya sama robot saja. sama bot kerang ajaib di android. maybe i AM the robot wkwkw. 

akhir-akhir ini i learn things in a hard way sampe mengubah beberapa cara berpikirku tanpa aku sadari. aku memilih ngga menggunakan hatiku selama beberapa saat. mungkin agak lama, sampai-sampai aku lupa gimana cara makenya. sebetulnya ini mengagetkan, lho. apakah begitu kuat diriku sehingga aku tidak melibatkan emosiku? atau sesimpel apakah aku tidak mau hatiku terlukai? hal yang kulihat, kudengar, kubicarakan semua tak lempar ke kepala. ya betul sih aku jarang sakit hati. wkwkw jadi tau kenapa kepalaku sering sakit.

mungkin juga aku jarang make hati karena jarang ngobrol sama Yang Punya :) reminder for me untuk berdoa.

p.s at the end of our chat, i told them what i felt towards them and their relationship, forced a bit of my feelings to come out and made sure i only wrote the sincere one. and i did. and i also expressed my grateful feelings to them, their story brought me a very important part of my life i have forgotten.

[senantiyasa]

Kutipan dari “Match Point”

Match Point karya Saufina.

“That’s the whole point of life, you know? To meet new people.” -Sherman Alexie (hlm. 7)

“If you want to forget someone, never hate him/her. Everyone that you hate is engraved upon your heart.” -C. Joybell C. (hlm. 19)

“Between what is said and not meant, and what is meant and not said, most love is lost.” -Kahlil Gibran (hlm. 43)

“Gimana rasanya saat satu-satunya tempat lo bersandar, memilih pergi dan memberi lo luka yang lo sendiri nggak tahu kapan sembuhnya?” -hlm. 59

“Kalau seseorang sudah percaya untuk berbagi kisah paling pahit dalam hidupnya kepadamu, artinya dia juga memercayakan hatinya untukmu.” -hlm. 61

“True love doesn’t need proof. The eyes told what heart felt.” -Toba Beta (hlm. 72)

“Well, sejujurnya cinta itu bisa datang dari rasa empati.” -hlm. 81

“Mulut lo bisa aja bohong, tapi hati bisa sekeras batu, sekali terukir satu nama, nggak bisa dihapus gitu aja.” -hlm. 82

“Letting go doesn’t mean you don’t care about someone anymore. It’s just realizing that the only person you really have control over is yourself.” -Deborah Reber (hlm. 94)

“Keep going, your hardest times often leads to the greatest moments of your life. Keep going, tough situations build strong people in the end.” -Rey T. Bennett (hlm. 101)

“Kepingin punya prestasi yang sama kayak idola memang boleh. Tapi mengubah dirimu sendiri demi menyamai dia, jelas salah.” -hlm. 115

“Kalau usaha kamu hari ini belum berhasil, coba lagi besok, besok, dan besoknya lagi. Kamu nggak akan pernah kalah dan permainan belum selesai selama kata nyerah nggak ada dalam kamus hidupmu.” -hlm. 115-116

“Lawan yang lebih tangguh dan barangkali susah dikalahkan, tapi bukan berarti nggak bisa.” -hlm. 117

“Show the world that we deserve to be the one, but first, we must fight our fears.” -hlm. 121

Edward: “I don’t have the strength to stay away from you anymore.” Bella: “Then don’t.” -Twilight (hlm. 122)

“Setiap manusia di muka bumi memiliki bahagia versi pribadinya masing-masing. Aneh rasanya jika seseorang mengukur kebahagiaan orang lain dengan memaksakan parameternya sendiri.” -hlm. 154

“Tinggal lo mau yang mana, batu sandungan yang bikin lo nggak pernah sampai karena beda tujuan, atau batu sandungan yang searah sama mimpi-mimpi lo. Meski bunyinya sama-sama batu sandungan, jelas akhirnya bakal beda. Kalau jenis pertama, bukannya sampai tujuan dengan selamat, lo justru cuma jalan di tempat dengan masalah yang nggak ada hentinya. Sedangkan yang kedua, meski harus berdarah-darah ngadepin rintangan ini-itu, pada akhirnya lo sampai dan meraih impian.” -hlm. 167

“Saya percaya, nggak ada impian yang sulit digapai kalau kita tahu cara menikmati luka sambil tetap berjalan perlahan, bukan berlarut-larut meratapi kesakitan hingga lupa caranya berdiri.” -hlm. 232

[dreamanddance]

I'm triggered.

Jadi beberapa hari yg lalu di Twitter ada seorang influencer yg ngetwit gini:

Dan tiba2 aja gue ngerasa sedih dan kesel.

Gue ga nyangka dan agak not-proud with my self karena bisa ke-trigger sama sosmed influencer yg beginian karena deep down gue tau orang2 ini cuma pengen nyari sensasi dan caper aja 🙈 bahkan gue ga tau dia siapa sebelum rame2 ini. Tapi yaaa namanya jg ke-trigger, kadang2 ga bisa dikontrol.

Jadi sebenernya gue udh liat ini berseliweran di timeline twitter sejak kemaren2, tp baru bener2 baca thread nya tadi sore.

Yg paling bikin gue ketrigger adalah, dia banyak bales2in orang yg kontra sama dia sambil ngegas. Selain itu, yg dukung dia jg ga sedikit!!! Ini sih yg bikin sedih. Orang2 yg di sosmed yg melabelkan diri sebagai "no-bullshit-people" atau "ceplas-ceplos" atau "pendukung freedom of speech", mengatasnamakan hal2 itu untuk mengutarakan semua opininya, PADAHAL pendapatnya itu downgrading, ga pantes, ga punya empati, dan bikin jutaan orang di dunia ini merasa worthless.

Kayak gini contohnya:

Kenapa gue ketrigger banget sama topik ini? Let me tell you abit about my insecurity.

Jadi, sejak Februari kemarin gue mulai ngegym. Saat itu gue berada di titik berat badan terberat seumur hidup gue. Dalam 2 tahun, berat badan gue bertambah 15 kg, baju gue ga ada yg muat, I always felt sad whenever I saw my body - I was ashamed everytime I took a full body photo. Gue inget banget di hari pertama ngegym bareng sahabat gue, dia foto dulu badannya di cermin yg ada di locker room, ceritanya buat liat before after. I remember thinking "gue ga mau foto", tp karena sahabat gue insist, akhirnya gue di foto pake hp dia - dan gue ga mau liat fotonya sampe skrg.

Gue selalu anxious setiap kali pilih baju buat ke gym. Entah apa yg gue takutin, gue jg ga ngerti. Tp selama bbrp minggu (smp akhirnya gym ditutup karena corona), gue pelan2 bisa mengurangi perasaan anxious tersebut. Toh ga ada jg yg ngeliatin lo di gym. Toh lo ke gym buat olahraga biar sehat, bukan buat nyari jodoh.

Tapi twit di atas bener2 bikin anxiety muncul lagi. Dan gue yakin, ga cuma gue yg ngerasain ini setelah baca twit si mbak yg nulis "polusi visual. perih bener."

Terus, yg gue ga abis pikir, dia bikin thread panjang explaining why she wrote those tweets. Dan isinya lebih hurtful lagi.

You don't fucking know how hard it is for some people to lose weight. How stressful it is when you've been dieting and working out so hard but you still gain weight.

"Menolak keras fat acceptance"????? Are you kidding me????????????? 😭😭

Dan menurut gue yg paling parah adalah twit ini:

"Don't blame me for your weak mentality"

Such a bully..... I can't 😭😭😭😭

So, if in anyway you might come across this tumblr, please... PLEASE.. stop being a so-called influencer. Ga ada yg bilang pendapat lo ga valid, opini tetep opini, mau positif atau negatif. TAPIIIIIII, ga semua hal harus lo update di sosmed for God's sake!!!! Tulis aja di diary, atau obrolin di private chats sm temen lo. Jangan ngomong kayak gitu di ranah publik karena there are too much bad things happening already. Jangan lo tambah2in lagi dengan omongan hurtful & degrading - atas nama freedom of speech :(

[lordavanti]

Imagine you and Ivar being the powercouple of the army

Request: Can you do one where the reader and ivar are a badass couple and everybody adores them, even his brothers and parents? Notes: Yes, Ragnar and Aslaug aren’t dead! And there is smut, a littl ... and violence. Words: 1794

It was like some kind of a dance, it went way to swiftly and you enjoyed it to much. A battlefield didn’t supposed to look like a dance, but doing it with Ivar was just more than that. He trew his axe into a body and you finished  the job if the enemy wasn’t dead. You pulled out his axe and turned around to him. His eyes grew in so much temptation, seeing you standing there with his axe covered in blood killing of the enemy. But much time to look at each other you hadn’t, they kept coming. You ducked underneath a sword, pushing the man towards Ivar who slitted his throat like it was nothing. See, like dancing, the both of you perfect synchronized with each other. His horse moved restless and you threw him his axe back when his horse started moving. You grabbed a random sword from the ground and when further in your fight. It filled you with so much adrealine, so much joy and consuming power their wasn’t really somewhere else you wanted to be … except from on top of Ivar on a occasion of two. You hand slipped a little by the blood it was soaked in, the enemy kicked it right out you hand, smacking you on the ground. You hand went swiftly for your beld, taking your knife, piercing it through his heart. His dead body dropped down on you, his blade leaving  his mark in your arm. You groaned, tighting your muscules to push him away and get from underneath him, it so far the dancing, without Ivar right beside you something like this always happened to you. You stood up, looking to the deep wound you had in your arm. Luckely for you, you were as good with left as you were with right. You picked your sword back up, holding the wounded arm a little against your body you looked up. And there he was, the man you needed, the leader of this group of enemies. You fighted your way towards him, he was twerling around with his sword. They weren’t much of his man left, how could it, nobody beated the army Ivar stood in front of. That man was so focusted on the man in front of them that you slipt behind him and slit your knife in the back of his one leg causing him to fall on his knees. ‘Kill me already.’ ‘If it was that simple I would have done it already.’ You smiled down on him. Somebody tied up his arm, knotting a rope around his next when Ivar in his chariot arrived. ‘Your prinsoner my lord.’ You greeted him, holding up the rope with your good hand. ‘It’s your lucky day today.’ Ivar smiled to the man before he looked to you. Knowing you pretty well his eyes traveled down to your arm. ‘You’ll live.’ He said without much empaty, not that you expected some. He tightened the rope, forcing the leader to stand up, he limped and Ivar chuckled. ‘What don’t you understand under the word unharmed?’ He asked you amused. ‘Like you wouldn’t do it.’ You said with a short grinn, jumping behind him on the chariot. His small army surrounded his chariot, balding for their leader. Yes, Ivar The Boneless was quite the warrior and leader in Kattegat, something his father was proud of. He clicked his tongue and it was like he didn’t only commanded his horse to go forward, the whole group reacted on it. He dragged the limping leader behind the chariot, he could hardly keep up with that wound he had. ‘So, I’m a Lord now?’ He looked over his shoulder to you. ‘You are many things. It just fitted the occasion.’ ‘Do you know what fits the occasion to?’ He asked you. ‘I’m about to learn I guess.’ Gazing down in his bleu eyes you knew the answer already. ‘Me turned on by your captivating beauty.’ ‘It’s the blood that turnes you on.’ You laughed, already just to his honest words. Sometimes he was just to honest. ‘If I had a change I would take you here, right now, on my chariot.’ He didn’t look at you. He make dit sound so airy and normal but for you. You felt already impact of those words. ‘Why not?’ You asked him challenging. Ivar looked over his shoulder to his prisoner. ‘I’m not giving him the pleasure of seing you screaming my name.’ ‘Who says I would be screaming.’ You whispered in his ear. Ivar opened his mouth, a arrogant grin slowly spreading over his name. ‘You will be screaming.’ He promised you. And only the darkness in his bleu eyes and those words already maked it warm between your thights. When you arrived in Kattegat, Aslaug and Ragnar where already waiting. ‘There they are.’ Aslaug smiled. She liked you, you maked her son “happy”, but you didn’t like her. Lucky for you you were a good liar. Ivar worked with his father, Ragnar was to damn old to battle so he left his son in charge of the army they had. ‘My king and queen, your prisoner.’ You bowed, pushing the man in front of you when you jumped from his chariot. ‘He is limping.’ Ragnar noticed, looking with some humor up to his son who only pointed right back to you. ‘It’s good to see you both in once piece.’ Aslaug smiled, folding her hand around yours, squeezing it a little. You only forced a smile on your face before she walked further to Ivar. ‘You represent my army good, the both of you. When you gonna get married?’ Ragnar asked. ‘Never.’ You and Ivar said on the same time. You looked over your shoulder to him, only to see that eagerness in his eyes when he looked back to you. ‘You still alive brother.’ Hvitserk asked while walking out of the great hall. ‘It’s not that you gonna die anytime soon if you keep hiding behind father.’ Ivar shouted back. There they go again, throwing with insults like it was nothing. You arm started to work against you and when you looked down to the wound you catched Aslaug looking at you. ‘You’re wounded.’ Aslaug noticed. You looked up to the sky for a moment, when she grabbed your arm to look at your wound. ‘She will live.’ Ivar reacted. ‘That’s not a way to treat your girl Ivar. What if she is your wife?’ ‘Alright,’ he sighned. You looked over your shoulder to him. The both of you were just to be wounded, a little schratch like that didn’t do much fort he both of you. ‘I will make her feel better in no time. Y/n, you coming?’ Ivar asked. ‘Son,’ Aslaug itterupted him. ‘It’s alright queen Aslaug. I’m not dying.’ You tried to comfort her. ‘Yet.’ Hvitserk winked. Aslaug gave her other son a short glare before she away from you. You walked to Ivar his chariot where Ragnar stood awaiting you. ‘You know a king can’t stand without his queen.’ He complimented you. They admired you, as the only woman in this army and as Ivar his right hand you where as a daughter for them. ‘Don’t give her to much credit.’ Ivar said while you jumped on his chariot. ‘Take care of her.’ ‘I sure will.’ Ivar whispered with a promesing look towards you. Ragnar stepped back and Ivar commanded his horse to get foward. Ragnar didn’t use his old farm anymore so Ivar lived there half the time. You jumped from his chariot as soon as he stood still. ‘Where do you think you going.’ He stopped you right in your movements. You turned around to him, confused. ‘Come back.’ He commanded you. It took you a moment to remember his words earlier today. ‘You were serious?’ ‘Have I ever been not serious about something that involves you.’ He reacted. He had turned on his seat and as soon as you were within his reach he pulled you back on his chariot. His eyes traveled down to your arm, he tilted his head while he looked to the deep cut in your arm. ‘You alright?’ He asked. You looked down to him smiled softly. ‘I will live, nothing some love can’t fix.’ ‘Let me see for that.’ His arm slipped around you waist pulling you closer. You gasped by the brutality he pulled you closer. You fingers stroke his jawline, still covered in blood and dirt, before you pushed you lips against his. He groaned in the kiss, taking your lip between his teeth and biting it. Nothing between the two of you went easy, really nothing. You pushed your body closer, his hand looking for the bare skin above your trousers, but instead of that he found the knot that held you trousers up. ‘If you drop down I punish you for it.’ ‘In the good or bad way?’ You asked out of breath. His eyes looked up to you while his fingers slowly lowered. Your lips partened a little when you felt him there. You totally forgot what he just said, lowered you head a kissed him again while he hands circled over your female parts. And  just like nothing he thrusted in and you hissed his name against his ear. ‘Ivar,’ you moaned by the ruthless movements of his fingers in your body. You needed to hold your body up to his while he maked you ruthless ready for him. But screaming, you didn’t give him the pleasure. ‘Come on, y/n.’ He grunned in your ear. His teeth scrapped over your throat making you to moan again while he brought you to the highest point. And than you screamed, out of frustration because he pulled his fingers out. ‘Told you.’ He teased you. Bringing them slowly back in. But you were so close to that point you just broke down, against him, totaly out of breath, shivering from the enjoyment he gave you. You let you head rest on his shoulder, trying to catch some breath. ‘Ivar,’ ‘Yes?’ He asked amused. ‘When it’s my turn?’ He did so much to you, brought you so much derise, joy, pain and he hardly wanted anything back. ‘The only one worthy of me and my chariot is you my queen, so’ He said, his lips lingering above your colorbone, heat spreading over your skin.You looked to him, in those bleu dark eyes and you forced a tired smile on your lips. ‘First, get inside so I can take a look to that wound.’ He commanded you right back in his arrogant and dominant mood. You smiled, offcourse ... Could be oneshot ... or maybe I make it a series. Don’t know yet?!

#vikings imagine #ivar imagine #ivars heathen army #ivar x reader #vikings #ivar #ivar the boneless

[sitanindyaswari]

12 Januari 2018 16:18

Hari ini dan jam ini seharusnya saya mengerjakan sesuatu yang berfaedah, namun akibat wi-fi di tempat ngopi mendadak error dan saya gak bisa kerja tanpa internet (millennial banget kan), maka saya akhirnya memutuskan untuk menulis. Sebenarnya udah cukup lama saya ingin menulis mengenai suatu hal yang mengganggu saya akhir-akhir ini, tapi entah kenapa memulainya selalu sulit karena saya selalu ujung-ujungnya merasa emosional. Bukan, bukan emosional mau marah.. ha ha, tapi lebih ke arah feeling blue. Yagitude.

Sejak 22 Desember 2017, saya resmi meninggalkan zona nyaman saya setelah 6 tahun bergelut di sebuah kantor yang telah memberikan saya banyak sekali pengalaman berharga. Sure, it was not an easy decision and many people were surprised with my decision. My boss even could not say much when I took him into a meeting room, explaining my resignation plan.  My boss and the human resources manager tried best to bargain, but I’ve made my decision and did not accept any offers. Tapi yang paling penting, saya ninggalin kantor tersebut bukan karena adanya konflik dengan siapapun.

Di masa-masa menganggur, saya punya banyak waktu untuk berpikir. Hm, gak punya banyak waktu pun saya udah tipe pemikir, apalagi kalau punya banyak waktu. Bisa dibayangkan, betapa banyak hal yang saya pikirkan. Hal pertama yang saya sadari betul adalah, kemandirian dalam membuat keputusan. Sejak orang tua saya meninggal (terakhir Bapak saya, tanggal 22 Juli 2017 lalu), saya mau gak mau harus bisa membuat keputusan sendiri dan bertanggung jawab sendiri atas keputusan yang telah saya ambil. Mungkin ada yang berpikir bahwa ada teman ada saudara, kenapa merasa segala hal ditanggung sendiri?

Well, sure I can share all stories and feelings to my inner circle. Tapi pada akhirnya keputusan tersebut kita yang ambil, kita yang jalani, dan kita sendiri yang menanggung risikonya. Saudara pun tidak selamanya bisa diandalkan, because they definitely have their own business. Mereka tentunya akan mendengarkan jika kita bercerita, but that’s all. Suatu hari nanti, mungkin kamu-kamu akan merasakan betapa signifikannya peran orang tua kandung terhadap hidup kita. Mungkin sekarang ini, banyak yang berkonflik dengan orang tuanya, beranggapan bahwa mereka mahluk annoying yang selalu ingin ikut campur urusan anaknya, yang cerewet kalau kita pulang malam, yang pesan singkat atau teleponnya mengganggu kita bekerja. I have been there, guys. Merasa annoyed dengan perhatian yang orang tua saya berikan, padahal maksud mereka jelas-jelas baik. Saya pun pernah melewati masa-masa malas pulang ke rumah karena merasa bahagia dan merdeka hidup terpisah. Bapak dan ibu terlalu banyak memaklumi tingkah saya yang malas pulang ke rumah ini, dengan beranggapan saya sibuk dan sudah waktunya saya sibuk mengejar mimpi.

Ketika saya kehilangan Ibu saya tahun 2013 lalu, saya sudah merasakan ada separuh jiwa saya yang hilang. Kerinduan akan sosoknya itu selalu meghampiri setiap hari, terutama malam hari sebelum saya tidur. She was my best sharing partner, best listener, dan super perhatian. She always made sure that I eat well, live well. Ibu selalu siap membantu dengan cara apapun jika saya menghadapi suatu masalah. Yang selalu saya ingat adalah betapa Ibu saya teramat sangat tulus mencintai anaknya, dengan melihatnya selalu menangis ketika memanjatkan doa. Segala keberuntungan yang saya alami selama hidup kemudian saya sadari adalah jawaban dari doa-doa Ibu yang beliau panjatkan di setiap shalatnya, Bersyukur itu pasti, tapi juga memikirkan hal itu membuat saya sedih disaat yang bersamaan. Perasaan bersalah yang terus menerus muncul tentang andai saya meluangkan lebih banyak waktu bersama Ibu saya, andai saya lebih sering menemani Ibu saya berobat supaya beliau lebih semangat, andai rejeki yang saya miliki saat ini bisa dinikmati oleh Ibu saya… dan banyak hal lainnya.

Tahun lalu, saya harus mengalami kehilangan lagi. Sebagai anak perempuan yang dekat dengan sosok Bapak, kehilangannya menjadi patah hati terberat yang pernah saya alami seumur hidup. Kehilangan kedua orangtua membuat seperti ada lubang sangat besar di hati yang entah dengan cara apa bisa menambalnya. Jiwa seperti kosong, semangat menjalani hidup untuk menunjukkan yang terbaik pada orang tua seperti padam. Saya tidak menyangka sama sekali, bahwa saya akan kehilangan keduanya cukup cepat. Sungguh, saya belum banyak membalas budi mereka. Sungguh, masih banyak waktu yang ingin saya habiskan bersama mereka, Saya kehilangan dua sosok terpenting dalam hidup saya. Keegoisan saya yang lalu-lalu membuat saya semakin merasa bersalah dan menyesal. Memang, mendoakan mereka adalah satu-satunya yang bisa saya lakukan. Tapi, kerinduan yang dalam akan kehadiran mereka adalah hal lain yang memang akan sulit dipahami orang-orang yang belum mengalami hal ini.

Tentunya saya tidak merasa bahwa saya mahluk paling tidak beruntung sedunia. Enggak. Saya tau betul bahwa di luar sana banyak orang-orang yang jauh lebih tidak beruntung dibandingkan saya. Dan rasa empati saya terhadap orang-orang tidak beruntung itu semakin besar, karena saya tau betul rasanya. I can imagine the loneliness they should bear every night. I can imagine how hurt they are knowing that there is no one treating them with full of sincerity like their parents did. I can imagine how stressful they are knowing that there is no one they can rely on like their parents did. And I truly and sincerely wish you all to keep being positive and optimist toward life.

Di saat-saat jatuh seperti itu, satu-satunya hal yang bisa menolong kita adalah perhatian dari orang-orang terdekat. Just be the best listener. Tidak semua orang yang sedang jatuh menampakkan kejatuhannya dan kesedihannya depan orang-orang, tapi jadilah teman yang peka bagi siapapun temannya yang nyata-nyata sedang struggle dan berjuang dalam hidupnya. Saya adalah tipe orang yang jarang bercerita. Saya cenderung menyimpan segalanya sendirian. Saya hanya berbagi kepada segelintir orang yang saya percaya. Sungguh saya sangat berterimakasih kepada teman saya yang gak perlu saya sebutkan namanya disini, yang benar-benar menjadi teman yang baik saat saya sedih dan bahagia. Kamu hadir, tanpa saya harus mengatakan I’m not alright, coz you already know that I’m not alright. You always try to convince me that I’m not alone, that I can pass all these trials, that I shouldn’t give up. Thanks loads, buddy.

Disaat yang sama, saya juga merasa kecewa dengan beberapa orang yang pada awalnya saya anggap bisa membantu saya bangkit, ternyata didn’t even do something to at least comfort me. You never know how much, the feeling of a (depressed) person who tried to send the codes of asking a help but did not get any feedback as expected. Mungkin dianggap caper, lebay, mengada-ngada.. atau mungkin merasa bahwa saya akan baik-baik saja dan lambat laun akan sembuh. Those unresponsive acts at the end made me become more secretive. You don’t know how much the feeling I should bear when I felt not valuable, wasted, and experienced very deep loneliness though surrounded by many people and when I saw no way out except just ending all the hurts. Tapi, saya juga paham bahwa saya gak bisa menaruh ekspektasi berlebih atas hal apapun dan pada siapapun.. and I’m okay with that now.

Saya banyak menelaah diri akhir-akhir ini, mencoba menolong diri sendiri. Mencoba berpikir bahwa hidup tidak perlu kita pikirkan apa maknanya. Seberapapun jatuhnya saya, selalu pada akhirnya ada titik harapan. Saya belum sepenuhnya pulih dari segala perasaan dan pikiran yang berkecamuk, namun, ada satu hal yang membuat saya ingin bertahan, yakni mengingat perjuangan kedua orang tua saya sampai titik darah penghabisan.. sampai akhir nafas hidupnya…untuk membesarkan saya hingga saat ini. Mereka tidak melahirkan dan membesarkan saya untuk menjadi orang yang gak berguna. Ada banyak rencana di kepala yang ingin saya realisasikan untuk membantu orang-orang yang seperjuangan dengan saya. Mereka yang tidak memiliki orang tua atau bahkan tidak mengenal orang tuanya siapa, mereka yang gak punya tempat berlindung, dan mereka yang sedang jatuh.

Saya ingin siapapun tidak menganggap orang depresi bahkan yang sampai ingin menyelesaikan hidup adalah manusia bodoh dan gak berharga. Menganggap remeh hal kecil yang kita tidak pernah tau bahwa hal sekecil apapun bisa memicu seseorang merasa sedih, jatuh, dan terluka. Saya setuju bahwa, “jika tidak mampu berduka dengan kematian mereka, setidaknya tahanlah mulut, jarimu, dan sikapmu agar tidak mendorong mereka yang sedang terjatuh untuk terjun ke jurang keputusasaan”. Dan saya percaya banget, bahwa lima menit saja waktu kita dan sedikit ketulusan hati kita akan selalu bisa menyelamatkan seseorang. I’ve been there, and feeling very much better after having a deep talk with a friend. Meski ada orang-orang yang mengecewakan kita, percaya aja bahwa there is always someone out there who loves you more than you love yourself. Dan coba lebih sering mengatakan hal positif ke orang-orang sekitar yang sedang merasa lelah-lelahnya sama hidup: You did well and you’ve worked hard.

Semangat!